Friday, October 26, 2012


No-Costume Costumes

Bring a guitar. Fire up a joint. Wear a cute dress. You are Taylor Spliff.

Wear your normal clothes. You are a slut (GOP definition).

Carry a bottle of scotch. Draw X's on your closed eyelids. Moan about brains in a British accent. You are Zombie Christopher Hitchens.

Use eyeliner to draw a thin moustache right above your upper lip. Wear your most garish shirt. You are John Waters.

Put on your frilliest Anthropologie dress. Add a white tulle veil. Carry a mason jar with a tea light in it. Say "I do" all night. You are an Etsy wedding.

Tape an empty paper towel roll to your forehead. You are a unicorn.

Put one arm inside your shirt (or, for those with dislocated shoulders, button your shirt over your sling). Carry a stick in your other hand. You are the drummer from Def Leppard.

Wear a Kangol hat. Lurk awkwardly. You are That Guy.

Hold your arms out from your body all night long. Have a friend pull you on a skateboard. You are Endeavor.

Find a friend who has laboriously created a scary witch/devil/zombie costume. Stand near him all night. You are the lesser of two evils.


Previously: A Pie for the Clumsy. 

Ann Friedman is asking you not to steal that Def Leppard idea because her left arm really is in a sling right now and it is her leading costume option.

106 Comments / Post A Comment

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

for years i would dress as myself and say im 'teenage angst'.


@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood I once trick-or-treated in all-black clothes with dyed red hair & got away with calling myself an "angsty teenage witch." I had stripey black & white knee-highs, which helped, but STILL.


@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood I've really honed my middle-class suburban mom costume. Like, it's pitch perfect.

so what?

@nonvolleyball This weekend I was leaving my apartment, in my normal clothes (i.e. black shirt, black jeans, black boots) and someone coming in asked if I was headed to a Halloween party. Nope... just like to wear black.


Hello BABAH!thats all i need to say@k


"Wear your normal clothes. You are a slut (GOP definition)."

Hahahahahahahaha *SOB*.


@wee_ramekin I am going to a small party tonight and I am half-considering doing that. Nothing like a good political joke!


Every day is Halloween when you're a slut (GOP definition).

These are golden, though. The "Etsy Wedding" made me stifle a chortle at my office desk.


Drummer from Def Leppard has a NAME, you know. (It's Rick Allen).

maybe partying will help


Is this the place to affirm that Def Leppard is still amazing live?


@maybe partying will help What has 7 arms and sucks?


Can I steal the Etsy bride idea? I just love it so.


oh man if I had a drumstick I would so be the drummer from Def Leppard

fondue with cheddar

@Danzig! You could always put your arm inside your shirt and teach people lessons.


@fondue with cheddar The only scary thing about a one-armed man trying to scare someone is the fact that he feels that his one arm is good for nothing but trying to scare somebody.

J Walter Weatherman

@fondue with cheddar I approve this message.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

The Etsy Wedding idea is hilarious!


@sudden but inevitable betrayal Don't forget to go barefoot!

Judith Slutler

John Waters would be way too fun!

Lisa Frank

@Emmanuelle Cunt Yeah, I'm seriously considering doing this. I'm just worried not enough people know who John Waters is?


@Lisa Frank

Just consider it a Teachable Moment.

Hot Doom

@Lisa Frank The ones who know who he is are they only ones who matter.


@Emmanuelle Cunt I'll go you one better: Do the pencil 'stache, tie that garish shirt up under your boobs, cut off whatever leisure-suit pants you're wearing into Daisy Dukes, and you are slutty John Waters.


Etsy Wedding, sweet lord. So wonderful.


My BF has to work the night of the party I'll be attending. My plan was to go there and say I am him... dressed as me. I'd totally win the contest, I think.

fondue with cheddar

@Hellcat You could always wear some of his clothes and be him.


Find a friend who has laboriously created a scary witch/devil/zombie costume. Stand near him all night. You are the lesser of two evils.

I want to do this SO HARD.


The Etsy Wedding is genius and also makes me think a Pinterest costume would be super easy too. Print out pictures or cut up magazines, safety-pin to shirt, ta-da!


@anachronistique Nice! I am going to a party tonight with all my web company co-workers (who hate Pinterest). Would you mind if I stole this (since I am lazy and don't have a costume yet)?


@olivebee Go for it! I have no plans and someone should put that idea to use.


The lesser of two evils, GOP slut, and etsy wedding ones? Very clever.


These were all great, but the last three were AWESOME. That Guy!


@SarahP I KNOW. unrelated, but once I threw a party where this guy was TOTALLY being That Guy, & didn't even stop once my (much older) friend was like, "dude, you're being That Guy. don't be That Guy." we ended up having to spread the word to everyone else at the party that we were going to fake ending it early, & everyone else (minus him & his two wasted friends, one of which seemed on the verge of vomiting) walked around the block & then came back so that we could continue having fun without him ruining it.


@SarahP A friend of mine went as That Guy a few years ago. Popped collar, spiked hair, visor upside down and backwards. A lot of us laughed, but a few people didn't get it. Awkward.

Lily Rowan

@nonvolleyball OMG


A couple years ago I attended a last-minute Halloween party with my boyfriend, and the host asked him to bring his camera so he could get pictures of everybody in costume. I made him dress in the only Hawaiian shirt he owns (from some theme day from when he worked as a grocery store bagboy) and voila, he was Dexter. (He pretended he wasn't, though, cuz he's a party pooper.)

fondue with cheddar

@frigwiggin My brother was Dexter last year! He already had the kill shirt.


@frigwiggin Once my friend shaved his beard, put on a Hawaiian shirt, and went as "Hitler on vacation."

That's What She Said@twitter

Add carrying your Ortho Tri-Cyclen to the GOP slut costume and be a Legitimate Whore.


@That's What She Said@twitter IUD earrings!


Someday, sometime, I'm going to get someone to go with me as Gary and Elaine.

fondue with cheddar

Wear normal clothes and walk around with a confused look on your face and be an undecided voter.


@fondue with cheddar Add a Kent State tshirt and be an undecided Ohio voter.

fondue with cheddar

Or write BALLS on your face and be Zach Braff's character from Garden State.


@fondue with cheddar He's a real motherfucker.


This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac--they look just like everyone else.


@meetapossum I was just logging in to say, "I'm a psychopath, they look just like normal people" (especially because I have to work on Hallowe'en and all the waiters get to wear costumes.)


@meetapossum Well played, Halloween Movie Twin.

Hot Doom

@meetapossum i read that in my mind as "hamicidal maniac" which made me leap to one who bludgeons with frozen pieces of ham. So, an alternative, if you need to defrost a ham.


Bit Zomney. You're welcome. Requires some effort, though.

(I may be going as Lit Romney... stoner version.)


@whateverlolawants Zit Romney?

gingerbread ham

Ohhhhh, I want to take it up a notch and go as Zombie Etsy Bride.


@gingerbread ham that would be a funny twist on the classic "bride of frankenstein" costume.

femme cassidy

I had a real costume planned out, but today I opened my wig from Party City and it is FUCKING TERRIBLE - just a mess of tangles and hair sticking out at all angles. Original costume doesn't work without the wig and I don't have time today to buy another one (or money for one that doesn't suck), so I'm thinking I'll bring a day planner to the party tonight and be The Gay Agenda.


I'm going as Amy Pond (complete with Silence tallies) for a work party. It's easy and gives me reason to buy converse and a plaid shirt.


@lobsterhug I was at an early Halloween party last night where a friend of mine did the Amy circa Silence costume too. Very cool.
I put on a purple wig and got a friend to do something like this (http://youtu.be/JPtmVXfD9Oo) to my face. Nobody really got it, but it still looked cool (albeit slightly drag queenish).


@yarabollocks Oh my god that is amazing! The art history major in me wants to do that! Too bad I work for a science museum :P


Hahaha, I am totally telling people I am #2


Dislocated shoulder is so painful! To be a stickler, I'm assuming it was back in socket but all sore/weak from your tendons/ligaments getting all stretched out. Ouch, I just made myself shudder.


Glasses, blazer, plaid blouse/shirt, danskos/loafers or other "lady shoe", say "blerg" and "nerds" a lot, and loudly. You are Liz Lemon. Be sure to get SUPER PISSED if people don't know what you are. (They won't.) Added bonus: your hot Republican looking friend/BF/husband/gay husband need only have neat hair, be clean shaven and wear a suit and a red tie, and act condescending. He is Jack Donaguey. He can fake laugh super loudly when anyone doesn't know what he is. I've done this 2 years in a row and it is hilarious. B/c I sort of look like Liz Lemon and also LAZY. And I love Liz Lemon. It also gives the hubs a chance to yell "Liz LEMON" like Oprah, which he enjoys.

apples and oranges

@Olivia2.0 This is amazing.


@Olivia2.0 Did it last year. I did all the above and carried around a bag of Cheetos with a "Sabor de Soledad" label on it. People all night long were asking me if I needed a bowl for my Cheetos. I certainly did not. Blerg!

Miss Maszkerádi

@Olivia2.0 Well, my Halloween has just been decided. One of my best friends already calls me "The Liz Lemon of the music world" so there we go.


@LMac THat is an excellent addition to the costume! Also, a giant sandwich would be good too.


I've decided to bathe in curry and go as a cumin being.


Friday is going as Miss Havisham's housecat.


@plumb-bob Very late to the party, but OMG that's fantastic. I just snorted laughing.


I was going to wear bike shorts and go as "Lance Armstrong without performance enhancing drugs" but I convinced my girlfriend to get us matching bee costumes when I was drunk. So now I'm going to get her a tiara ("queen bee") and I'll wear my cap ("worker bee") I guess.


@stuffisthings Oh my god I am totally stealing the Lance idea. AH HA HA HAAAAH AAAAAA


@stuffisthings hahaha I just love the sentence "I convinced my girlfriend to get us matching bee costumes when I was drunk." Lance is a great idea. Topical!


I love this THANK YOU

Tomatoes. Clorox.

A few years ago I had to come up with something in a pinch; I wore my gardening get-up and a lengthy wig: voila! Hairy Potter.


Love this. I haven't been liking The Hairpin on a theme since I can't get into Halloween this year since my actual life is a nightmare, but this is very useful. I was going to be Uma Thurman in Kill Bill for a movie star themed party but um, I can't spend money on a jumpsuit and a wig. So these ideas are awesome. I might actually use the GOP slut idea.

input this URL:

( http://www.b2cstore.us/ )

you can find many cheap and high stuff

Believe you will love it.



I wonder how I could go as "legitimate rape?"

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@darklingplain Find a Republican man to walk around with you and tell everyone what you are?

Kit Whelan@twitter

My partner went as one-armed Def Leppard drummer a few years ago when we went to a music industry themed party in LA thrown by musicians. NO ONE GOT IT. I was so disappointed.


Had to google "kangol hat"... Ew.


this year i wanted to find a guy to do a crossdressing couple costume with me. i would be "that guy" probably in a fedora, wearing shades all night, lurking creepily in the shadows and shoddily hitting on drunk girls, and he would be "the drunkest girl at the party" drinking fruity neon colored drinks, with smeared make-up and messed up hair, stumbling all over making a fool of himself. this would of course end with us going home together, as that guy and the drunkest girl at the party traditionally do. unfortunately my preferred man friend candidate is already going as "mormon missionary on a tallbike."


I have a dislocated shoulder too! I must get surgery in like 8 weeks and am constantly worried it's just going to fall out of it's socket! My idea was to go as J. Walter Weatherman from Arrested Development and velcro a fake arm (made w/sock and glove) to the outside of a cardigan (that has it's arm tucked into my sling).

So much damned solidarity - dislocations are the worst worst ortho injuries, I'd rather break my arm in half all over again, for real.


I went to a Halloween party last night dressed as a Reverse Cowgirl -- got the idea from a Hairpin Halloween costume thread last year. I won best costume! The prize is two gift certificates for flying lessons!


@Mel_not_Missy That's such a cool prize! Dare I ask what you wore?


@TARDIStime I wore a cheapo straw cowboy hat, a pearl snap shirt, a red bandana, a belt, jeans, and cowboy boots. I wore the shirt, belt, and hat backwards. I also wore a length of rope from Ace Hardware on my belt as a lasso and carried metal flask. I definitely had to explain my costume, but it was worth it!


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