Tuesday, October 16, 2012


Interview With a Fake Nobel Prize, Conducted by a Jar of Nutella

Nutella – You're not a real Nobel Prize. You're just something they invented in 1968 because economists are both pushy and insecure.

Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Science – Well, you're not really a breakfast food, so I guess we're both a little misunderstood, huh?

Nutella – Whoa.

Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Science – It can be easier to dish it out than take it, Nutella. I used to be like you. I had a real chip on my shoulder. Let me tell you, I spent a long time talking to Peace before I stopped spinning my wheels. A lot of prescription meds, a lot of lovers. Being the old guy at Burning Man. Being the young guy at Esalen.

Nutella – Look, it's not that I'm really so angry, I just don't always know who I am, you know? I'm not a nut butter, really, even though I'm banned from 98% of preschools. And I'm not a dessert, either. Or am I a dessert? Was my father a dessert? Was HIS father? Would he have defined himself as a dessert, or just...as a jar with edible contents?

Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Science – But always something to be consumed.

Nutella – (uncomfortably) I guess? Heh, who's conducting the interview here?

Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Science – Maybe we both are. Maybe our parents are. Maybe neither. Maybe we're just two souls, talking. Why define this?

Nutella – (cries quietly)

Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Science - It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

(they kiss passionately)

26 Comments / Post A Comment

Lisa Frank

Wow, they have some good weed in Canada.


I had to stop reading mid-sentence and come down here to shout: ESALEN. ESALEN!


@meatcute That's exactly what I was coming down here to do. Esalen!!


LOVE this. LOVE it.

Tragically Ludicrous

Nutella is great, is what it is! Just be yourself, Nutella! (You could also think of yourself as a snack. Snacks are good.) (Also in Holland they eat chocolate sprinkles on bread for breakfast, so you're not so unhealthy, really.)


The jig is up, Nutella; you're a dessert, your father was a dessert, and his father was a dessert. DESSERT.


Oh, Nutella don't cry. No one ever licked a Nobel off a spoon. So at least you have that.


@City_Dater: No one ever frosts a banana muffin with economics.


@laurel That sounds an awful lot like a euphemism for a sex act, so I wouldn't be too sure.


This is exactly how Nutella would behave if it were conscious.

fondue with cheddar

I've never had Nutella. I'm afraid my meager willpower will be no match for it.

tea tray in the sky.

You're Nu-tellin' me!



"It's how a get my kids to eat healthy foods. I slather chocolate sauce on a slice of wheat toast and call it a day."


Nutella just needs to move over and let cookie butter have its day in the sun already.

miss buenos aires

@frigwiggin I respectfully disagree. I tried Cookie Butter and it was okay. Between me and my husband, it lasted about a week. But we cannot have Nutella in the house for longer than three hours.


This conversation pretty much happened in my kitchen yesterday... except it was more of me eating a spoonful of Nutella while my boyfriend ranted about the Fake Nobel. So, Nutella, you definitely got more love in that interaction.


That is SOOOO what it's like to date an economist.


OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW TODAY AT THE STORE? NUTELLA-TO-GO. It comes with bread sticks for dipping. I am beside myself.

Ten Thousand Buckets

@Aphrodite In case of a Nutella emergency.

George Templeton Strong

Having read this, I'm not really sure I exist. I studied Economics (a very thin thread, now discredited, strain of Economics) in Europe and ate more than my fair share of Nutella. When (not if) I win the Nobel for my groundbreaking research into the Economics of Reading About Nutella and Economic Research I will donate some of my prize winnings to the Hairpin. You're welcome.


You guys, I bought my first jar of Nutella a couple months ago and within hours of eating it was super nauseous because I was getting the flu.
Is it ruined forever?!? Because I haven't been able to bring myself back to it. Just like those stupid Peppermint Patties in first grade...


They deserve each other.


I gathered useful information on this point as I am working on a business project sports psychology online degree

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