Friday, October 12, 2012


Hair and Morality

1. This is ridiculous but I can't stop thinking about it, and I apologize in advance if I sound like a jerk. Or, I guess tell me if I'm a jerk. There's this guy I know who is sort of on that threshold of friend/romantic whatever, but I can't stand his hairstyle. He's very middle-of-the-road otherwise, style-wise, but this hairstyle. It's not even that crazy, I just really hate it, and he's always adjusting it. He likes it. He's a good looking dude, too. If a guy asked me to change my hairstyle, I'd be like "screw you!" but then I'd freak out privately and probably change my hairstyle. :-/ And resent him. But anyway I know you can't ask someone you're not in a serious relationship with to change their hair, but I feel stuck, and like I would be more attracted to him if his hair were different? I can't even believe l'm typing these words. Am I just using the hair as a reason for why I don't like him as much as I wish I did?

I used to have a crazy big, long, pointy Unemployment beard. I was kind of fun for a while. I started a new job and I was like "The beard should probably go away. There are old croutons in the beard. I think I've taken this as far as it can go." And I shaved it off. There was a lady at work who was so horrified. "You have to grow it back! Etc!" And I was like, gee, I wonder if this means she's interested in me. She wasn't, she just likes pointy beards. If this guy has some kind of art piece on his head: a mullet, a mohawk, a leaning tower of Pisa or something, maybe let it go. But at some point he may grow tired of this hair gesture eventually. The actor in the "Eraserhead" movie got so tired of always having to have all that hair. So maybe he will grow out of it. I think hairstyle is usually the thing I like most about some women. I thought I was in love with a woman once but then she grew it out and I was like "I am no longer in love with this woman." She wasn't in love with me either.

I don't know what it is about hair. But it does make a huge difference. And you might use your wiles to get this dude to cut it. But you better really like it and him after that. I mean, you broke him and you better like him. I just don't think it's that big a deal to ask for the things you want from people. Getting someone to cut their hair for you would be a powerful rush, I'd imagine. Or just getting them to stop playing with it. You should at the very least find out if you are that powerful. Will he resent you? Maybe. Will he refuse? Maybe. Will he cut his hair and do whatever the hell else you want him to do with himself? Probably. You are pretty great. Any man would cut his crappy hair for you. And you deserve a man who will disfigure himself in every possible way just to be with you.

If you feel like a haircut is the key to making this man a masterpiece, start with like "Have you ever thought of cutting your hair?" Maybe he gets defensive or tells a joke. Inside he's wondering "Maybe I should cut my hair!" You just grab a bunch, whereever it is offending you. "I'd cut this off." Purr that line, like you are trying to lure a cat from a tree. "And maybe do something over here." Be explicit. You want this guy to know exactly what you want. He may hem and haw. "It's no big deal," assure him. "I just think it would look so handsome." On "Handsome" you should really be sure to look directly into his eyes with the cutest look you got. You have to shine your soul right at him. I think that would work. You could also just get him a wig. Halloween is coming up. "I bought you a wig! Ha ha! Just put it on! Just for a second." And then you never let him take it off, ever. 

2. I'm curious your thoughts on moral failings. I did something recently that was morally wrong. Not like, murder, but I slept with someone who has a girlfriend. Then things all got messed up. I didn't know he had one at first, but then I did, and I slept with him again. I had always thought of myself as someone who'd never do that, but then I did. And I don't really feel bad. It's over, it was brief. They are apparently breaking up, which he said was coming, etc., whatever, we don't talk. People have different stances on what you're in charge of / responsible for regarding fidelity. Like, since it's not *MY* relationship, it's "okay," but in my heart I know this will come back around to bite me in the ass. What do you think?

You shouldn't really feel that bad. You didn't know about the girlfriend. And when you did know, I don't know. The damage was already done. It doesn't really make a difference if it was once or twice. I don't really get all hung up about sleeping with someone in a relationship. I only slept around with someone I was with once. And I felt crummy. And I didn't let it go on forever. I've slept with people's wives. And it's not ideal. But if it's not something you're doing spitefully, to harm the dude's relationship or to get back at the lady, I wouldn't worry too much. Do you mean like, you worry about karma? Or cosmic payback? You may be participating in the cosmic payback to someone else, it's tough to know just where the universe is coming from most of the time. And if you want to do something really nice for someone to make it up to the univese, go ahead. It may be tough for you to realize that You are Capable of sleeping with someone who is in a relationship. This may shatter some sense of self. But you're not the kind of person who yearns to sleep around with taken people. We're capable of all kinds of things we never thought we would be. That's just part of growing up.

You are more than you imagine yourself to be. You do not know every part of yourself yet. It is nice to think that sometimes you can surprise yourself. This sounds overwhelmingly enjoyable on your part, and I wouldn't feel too guilty. The dude should have told You. Only carry your own crucifixes.

3. What would you do if a girl farted while you were going down on her? Or, what's the weirdest or most interesting thing you've ever observed a girl (or whomever) do in their sleep?

I don't think farting while someone is going down on you is that big a deal. It's a little gross, but sometimes sex gets gross and messy. Whatever. I think it's weird women don't fart in front of men. That makes me nervous. I mean, if you're gonna take a dump on the bed every time someone goes down on you, I guess that's a problem. Unless you're into sexy diapers. Then by all means. But I've farted while women are going down on me. It's embarrassing, but when you start sucking on things down there who knows what's going to start happening? What would I do? Laugh. Girl farts are cute. They are a little smelly, but whatever. I like giving head a lot, so this wouldn't really throw me off too much.

In terms of the weirdest thing, I don't know. I dated a multiple personality woman, who would turn into different people sometimes in the middle of the night. Some of whom didn't like me very much. There was a sleepwalker who would like disappear for a while. That was a little disconcerting. The woman would threaten suicide right after sex all the time. But actually while asleep? There was a talker. The cutest ever is the thumbsucker. I sucked my thumb until I was like 30. Sucking your thumb is cool.

4. Can you write a short story about something good that happened to you recently?

I don't know if I have any great short stories that have happened to me of late. I wore this pair of pants to work that apparently made me look bigger downstairs than I normally am. I don't know what the deal was, but this woman noticed and remarked on it. Then told everyone at work. And now everyone thinks I'm massively manly or something. People whisper to each other in Spanish. Men nod with respect. It's really taken on a life of its own. I can't ever wear these pants again, the expectations are off the charts. And I don't think what I have is really all that whatever. I'm probably going to have to find a new job. Because sooner or later there will be a Christmas Party and people will be drunk. They will want to see this monster. And I barely have any personal borders as it is, if people want to see it they can see it. Whatever. But the letdown will be so gigantic. I don't think I'll be able to handle that much disappointment. I don't know what the end of this short story will be. Maybe I get a larger penis implanted just so I don't let everyone at work down? Merry Christmas to us all!

Previously: Loaner Shirts and the Meaning of Sleazy.

A Dude is one of several rotating Dudes. Do you have a question for A Dude?

Photo by magicinfoto, via Shutterstock

251 Comments / Post A Comment


This dude has taken advice-giving in an...interesting direction.


@Kristen Interesting as in bad?


@Kristen yeeeeah. I feel like this was a piece of performance art and I'm not hip enough to get it.


@Kristen Yeah this feels very Cary Tennis to me.


@Kristen I for one kinda love it! This dude is fun.

lasso tabasco

@Kristen He sounds like a highly questionable person that I hope I never meet/know/date/sleep with.


@JuiceBox Yeah I came down here to say how much I like this dude! I don't think his advice was bad as much as carrying a subtext of "I dunno, who cares, just live your life!" Also: "On 'Handsome' you should really be sure to look directly into his eyes with the cutest look you got." This is extremely useful advice. I only recently discovered the magical powers of using the word "handsome" and cute girl faces separately, let alone in conjunction; I wish I had learned of these long ago.


@PomoFrannyGlass I'm sorry to say I once sold a watch to an impressionable young man by telling him it looked hot.


@iceberg You sold him a watch and gave him a lesson. That's a solid deal.


@Kristen Best Dude Yet!! Definitely.


@bookbike I was on the fence about this Dude until I pictured Matt Smith as Eleven delivering all this advice, and then it all made sense. Now I'm cool with it.


@Scandyhoovian Ha, that just makes it worse for me!


@lasso tabasco Sadly, halfway through this I actually wondered if it was possible that this was a particular someone I used to date! Ughghghghgh my liiiffffeeee.


This dude has taken variation of sentence structure in an interesting direction (like down the straight and brief road to Monotonytowne maybe).

tea tray in the sky.

@Scandyhoovian I did that too! Bowties are cool.


@tea tray in the sky. Yes! When he said "sucking your thumb is cool" it all made sense.


@iknowright i did the same thing...


@paddlepickle not bad ?
paket pulau tidung


gotta luv it.@m


Well, I suppose that "imperfect advice" disclaimer has to be exercised from time to time.


@Emby I'm reasonably convinced that this "A Dude" was Edith in drag. Ed.....ith.


Well ... that was weird and hilarious.

Slightly more reminiscent of this (http://network.nationalpost.com/NP/blogs/theampersand/archive/tags/Extremely+Bad+Advice/default.aspx) than normal hairpin advice.

Reginal T. Squirge

Karma: not a thing.


@Reginal T. Squirge However, generally attempting to not do things that hurt people: Definitely A Thing.

Reginal T. Squirge

Oh, definitely. We should all be good people and Do The Right Thing because that's better for everyone. But doing the right thing because you are worried that doing the wrong thing is going to come back to you because of cosmic justice (like Galactus?) or whatever is ridiculous.


@Reginal T. Squirge The Living Tribunal will come for us all.


@Reginal T. Squirge You gonna come back as a hungry ass ghost if you keep that attitude up son.


@Reginal T. Squirge Ultimately, as long as people are doing the right thing and not taking it to extremes (hard to take karma to the extreme, save for My Name is Earl), it doesn't matter what motivation anyone uses.


@Reginal T. Squirge Thank you, I thought so too.


@Reginal T. Squirge
Also, dad was a Hindu.
Even if it is a thing? Not actually what everyone constantly uses it to mean.
So annoying!


@Reginal T. Squirge maybe this is addressed in the downthread, but I took "it will come back to me" to mean she's worried that her friends/people she dates in the future/something will be more wary around her/maybe question some of the things she does more strongly after knowing about this? I think she was looking for advice about how to deal with that. That's what I'd worry about probably in this situation. I'm interested in whether people think this is a "you reap what you sow" situation or that she's right to be worried, if this is what she's worried about.

Lily Rowan

The first two questions were apparently from me in college! At least, a guy shaved his mustache for me, and I helped another guy cheat on his girlfriend. I thought the first guy looked weird without the mustache, and the second guy married the girlfriend.

The end.


@Lily Rowan

I have the power to make men marry the women they are stepping out on as well! I wish I had the power to make men shave/cut hair/stop wearing those disgusting running shoes, but maybe I will develop that later in life.


@City_Dater I have the power to make exes marry the very next person they date after me!

This power also includes exes finding that person while they are still with me, though thankfully being honorable enough to not cheat on me. It's super, y'all.



Oh, I have that power too! I'm like the Anti-Girlfriend. Happily, my reaction has always been, "THANK GOD. Thank whatever benevolent spirit is making him marry her and not me!"


@wee_ramekin Pretty sure there's a movie based on your life.


@garli There is! It is called Good Luck Chuck and stars Jessica Alba and Dane Cook. Ask me why I've never watched it.


@wee_ramekin Are you me? I feel like I should wear a sign: "Men of New York, if you date me, you will find your soul mate*

*not me"


@wee_ramekin Ah, yes. I can't stand Dane Cook and romo-cons in general so....I skipped it. I fully support your decision with what ever motives as well.

Lily Rowan

@City_Dater I'm pretty sure I have lost the power to get people to change their personal appearance, because I realized how rude that is! And also generally stopped sleeping with people I wanted to insult to their faces (it was flirting!??).

Anyway, my point is that I'm sure you could still do it, if you really want to.


@Lily Rowan My husband has very thick hair and he used to wear it longer than he does now. It often fell over his forehead in a Ted Koppel-esque fringe, which annoyed the crap out of me but I never asked him to do anything about it because the rest of him was so freaking awesome.

(Except on our wedding day, when I made the groomsmen promise they would put some mousse or something in his hair so I wouldn't look like I was marrying Ted Koppel.)


@Bittersweet I think that's legit. Like, you want nice pictures/nice time for grandma/whoever. Also, everyone can have their things. Except by everyone I clearly mean, not me. I do not take criticism well, and I'm in grad school, so I deal with it enough in my professional life...


@wee_ramekin I also have this power! ahhh, the power to make a partner mary the next person they go out with after me... twice they have also been friends with the person while with me. Best friends. 'She's like my sister! You don't have to be jealous'. Dear God. at least it's nice to know other people also have this cursed power!


I am really relieved that a few of the comments thus far seem to reflect the...bewildered feeling I'm experiencing.

The Lady of Shalott

@yeah-elle Yes. That was....different.

dj pomegranate

@yeah-elle Yeah, I read this in my RSS feed and then was like, "...?...uhhh..." before thinking, "Ah, to the comments!" And I feel like the comments so far cam be summed up as "...?...uhh..."


@yeah-elle yeah I was all http://i.imgur.com/ZKeto.gif

Roaring Girl

@dj pomegranate
Dear Hairpin Advice Givers: Stop with the bizarre rambling answers, I can't handle it right now. Seriously, I'm so sick and fuzzy-brained, and trying to read this stuff makes me think I've taken a serious turn for the worse.


@Roaring Girl yes. be more like dan savage. I don't always agree with him, but he only goes on pro-gay marriage, pro-voting Democrat, pro-being a reasonable human rants, so I'm down with that.


What the hell? This advice is universally terrible.

LW1, it sounds like you are only mildly into him. If you were head-over-heels the hair wouldn't be that big a factor. Leave his hair alone, and keep things casual.

LW2, it wasn't an ok thing to do, but that doesn't make you a terrible person. Forgive yourself and don't do it again.


This A Dude is awesome! " You have to shine your soul right at him. " is the best thing I've heard in a long time. Also, no, you can't ask this guy to cut his hair. Either you love him or you don't and something as petty as hair cannot be a deal breaker.


@cowgirlinthesand I disagree about the hair. It's so super-irrelevant, why wouldn't a guy modify it to accommodate his lady? I've had a haircut that a certain man prefers for years and years, and I just feel like...who cares?


So I agree with you (and no one else, apparently) that this dude is awesome?

But I disagree with you on the hair-cutting thing? My feelings about people change wildly when they make changes on their hair! What are you going to do, go through your whole life letting other people's bad decisions about their own hair ruin your hopes for love?!


@cowgirlinthesand Yup, it totally can. I will never again date a dude with a beard. Ever. I hate them. They are gross (in my mind). I have only ever seen one beard I liked and it was on someone who was so put-together that I believe he trimmed and combed it every day. So either bring that level of fastidiousness or do not try to date me, dudes with beards. OK, got that off my chest.

So it's not necessarily petty to say, "I don't like your style, can you change this?" But then it's totally up to the other person to respond. They might say, "Love it or leave it." That would be an acceptable response, or "Step off my hair, crazy person." Whatever. You can have preferences when dating and express those preferences. This guy might have a dorky haircut cause he honestly doesn't give a damn about his hair or it's a deeply personal choice that he would never consider changing. Can't know without asking.


@Rock and Roll Ken Doll THIS (is perfection).


Yeah, I don't like beards either, but I have one because C. insists? It's only fair--she does all kinds of similar things for me.


Hooray! a compliment from an Australian!


@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Some dudes and ladies (many of my meatspace friends, actually) prefer beards [and hairy chests, if the 'pin is to be believed] so I guess that's conceivable. It boggles my mind, but different strokes for different folks, as they say.

all the bacon and eggs

@adorable-eggplant Also! Even if you are not dating someone, if you are friends with them, it is ok (perhaps even a good idea?) to let them know if their haircut is not flattering.


@cowgirlinthesand I LOVE a good fuzzy beard! I think they feel neat and as long as the dude maintains it properly they can look quite sexy!



@all the bacon and eggs It depends. I like to have a good mix of tough and unconditional love friends. Sometimes I need to hear that my hair looks stupid, but not from everybody I know really.


@Exene How uninterested in a dude do you have to be that you won't even make a move before he cuts his hair?


@ReginaSavage Yup, I love beards on men.
But I would be personally offended if a guy asked me to change my hair. So I wouldn't try that on someone I care about.


I also liked this dude, several days like. Maybe I'm just into people who have the attitude of "giving advice is stupid" being the ones to give the advice.

The advice columns are generally taken way too seriously. THERE. I SAID IT.


@theharpoon So I agree with you (and no one else, apparently) that this dude is awesome? But I disagree with you on the hair-cutting thing? My feelings about people change wildly mobila si marfa when they make changes on their hair! What are you going to do, go through your whole life letting other people's bad decisions about their own hair ruin your hopes for love?!


This makes me wish I could read an advice ("advice") column of just Edith and Jim Behrle searching each others' souls/confusing the hell out of the reader.


@Reginal T. Squirge I ship it. But really, what Pin people would everyone ship?

Nicole Cliffe

I am actually in love with Alex Balk, fwiw.

Reginal T. Squirge

Me and (secretssecretssecrets).

evil melis

Cool, I guess my Jim Behrle dibs don't mean anything then.

evil melis

Consolation ships I will accept: Maria Bustillos, Balk's Mom (not Balk), Jolie, Jolie's crack brownies, Relationshapes, Edith's interview with Chris Evans (not Edith or Chris, though), in that order. Nicole and I are canon so that's not really a ship.

Nicole Cliffe

"[Nicole] goes to bed with [Normal Melis] and wakes up with [Evil Melis]" - Rita Hayworth

evil melis

Sorry, I forgot Jeff Barea in there.

Reginal T. Squirge

@evil melis

Ok, the "Behrle Ives" line is genius.

Jolie Kerr

@evil melis I can knock off three of those. (I'm Balk's Mom. I tried to log in as her but apparently the long-promised universal Awl Media commenter accounts are still TK.)

Jolie Kerr

@evil melis Oh no, sorry, you can't have Barea. He's mine. You can ask Choire even.


@Jolie Kerr oh man, Barea. All of a sudden it's 3 years ago all over again.

evil melis

@cherrispryte to be super honest i think about him on a weekly basis AT LEAST

Tacy Kelly

@Jolie Kerr Is Ask a Clean Person ever coming back? Did I miss an announcement? I missssssss it.


@Nicole Cliffe Since TMFTML. Swoony swoon over Balk.

maybe partying will help


I ship me and melis. Whatevs.


@Probs I've thought about this question extensively but the answer is there's too many combinations, each more infinitely full of wonderful possibility than the last.

Basically I ship myself with all the rest of you is what I'm saying.


@redheaded&crazie There are an embarrassing number of relevant gchat logs about this very subject that I could, but will not, share.


@wallsdonotfall oh yeah totally ... gchat ... I have lots of gchat conversations that are awesome and super secret and really awesome too


@wallsdonotfall real response: there are an embarrassing number of relevant fantasies I have had about this very subject that ... etc


@Probs Me and Leon. I know he's a commenter and not a writer, but I don't care. Me and Leon FOREVER.


@Gussie Fink-Nottle commenters count, yeah.


Is there a way to erase GChat logs so that no one can ever find them ever? Asking for a friend.

My friend is a white guy, if that matters...

evil melis

@maybe partying will help Are you on the West Coast? because I'm pretty sure I made out with like four people at the one Pinup I went to so never say never


@Gussie Fink-Nottle - Well, it's a good thing I read the open thread before this one then, isn't it? Or THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWKWARD.

Also? Alumin(i)um and "A Pigeon".


@wallsdonotfall Oh, hairpin comments. How I have missed thee.

Lisa Frank

This dude seems like the kind of person that I would like to laugh with on tv or the internet, but that I would not like to know in real life.

Also in regards to LW1, are they white-person-dreads? White-person-dreads are never ok.

Reginal T. Squirge

Oh, nooooo. I was just imagining something Wall Street-y at first but now that you mention this...

It can't be, though. The whole point of dreads is to never have to touch them.

Lisa Frank

@Reginal T. Squirge Unless they make your scalp itchy?


@Lisa Frank

If the hair is question is white-person-dreads it's just a symptom, and there are a whole host of problems hiding under there that cannot be neatly trimmed away.


@City_Dater also if it's white-person-dreads, LW1 probably should consider writing to yoisthisracist.com next.


@Reginal T. Squirge I was picturing Beiber hair in the eyes.

Lisa Frank

@stonefruit Yo, white-person-dreads are racist and wack!


@Lisa Frank yesssssssss

they are hell of racist *and* wack.


I'm imagining the bad haircut to be a Bieber-esque one, that the guy keeps adjusting to hang in his face.


@remargaret Yes, I'm picturing some sort of floppity, carefully styled 'do that requires products and adjustments, much like the hairdos I see on many of the stylish young men about town lately. As a person who prefers her men to be wash-'n-go with minimal fashion sense, I hate those floppity cool-dude 'dos, so LW1 has my full sympathies.

maybe partying will help


Now I am too. Merci beaucoup!


@remargaret My coworker just got an unironic mullet that I'm having a hard time adjusting to, so that's what I'm picturing.


@remargaret ahh, I was thinking greaser pompadour but this makes more sense


@remargaret My manfriend just casually referred to my particular style of foof hair as a mullet because it's business up front and party in the back. I may beat him later.


I don't know, I liked this A Dude & his advice. Some of it got fantastical, but I really like the advice to LW1. Sometimes...you CAN tell a person what to do with their hair. And I think he did a good job talking the I Slept with Somebody's Boyfriend woman down from her guilt spiral. Bad shit happens sometimes & sometimes you are the one making it happen.


@fabel I liked this dude too. Then I realized that liking his post made me create a mental image of him that was very good looking. Which seems like a nice illustration of how liking something about someone can make them seem physically attractive -- I literally didn't have to see him to think he was good looking. I just projected those good looks right into the ether.

That said, it's probably just as well that he didn't get (or pick) any super-serious questions to answer.


Not sure about the advice, the story was gold. Can the column be changed to 'Penis anecdotes from strangers'?


OK, alternative A Dude advice:

1. I think you nailed it with your last point. It frankly sounds like you're trying to find reasons to not become romantically attached. You like the idea of being with him, but not him himself. And that's problematic and probably means it's not going to work in the long term. Sometimes we really want to like people for various reasons: They're nicer than our exes; they're objectively hot and we'd like the kudos of dating them; it seems realistically like a "good" match, etc. At the end of the day, if you're sweating something fairly trivial like hair before an actual relationship is even in place, I'd recommend you move on and find someone you have fewer qualms about dating.

2. And so you've discovered that it's easy to talk a big game about never doing X, but that reality is much more confusing and complicated when you're actually in those shoes. Treat this like a learning experience: You recognize that you did something you morally don't approve of (for good reason!), so try to figure out why you went down that path. Was it just because you were horny and you'd already had sex with the guy once, so why not again? If so, take that to heart and remember how you feel now, and try to practice better impulse control if a similar situation arises in the future.

3. That very thing has happened to me, and I laughed about it. She was pretty mortified, but it was funny because the human body does funny things. We laughed for a minute, made out for a while to get back in the mood, and then I picked up where we left off. No biggie.

4. I was about to start scanning my groceries at a self-checkout machine when I realized I forgot something. And there was a huge line behind me. The grocery store attendant told me to go get it and she'd scan my groceries in the meantime, and so I was able to get my forgotten item and not hold up the line in the process. Super win!


@Emby Beautiful.


Jim Behrle? Anyway, I've been going out with my girlfriend for four years, and found out recently that when one of her best friends met me, she said "nothing wrong with him a pair of scissors can't fix." I get where she was coming from these days, but sometimes you gotta go through there to get here, hair-wise, and "there" was giant white guy hair and even mutton chops for a while. So I'm glad my haircut didn't turn my girlfriend away, but wouldn't blame her, looking back.


@Probs That's a good example of why it probably wouldn't matter if she was really into him, though. My ex had truly disastrous fashion habits when we met but I thought he was super cute and we connected really well so I didn't much care. If I'd had a chance to replace his cargo pants secretly in the night I would have, but it wasn't anywhere near approaching a dealbreaker. The hair is a stand in for "not really feeling it" for this girl.


@Probs I know that Edith is not a dude (& thus unlikely to be posing as A Dude), but doesn't this:

You could also just get him a wig. Halloween is coming up. "I bought you a wig! Ha ha! Just put it on! Just for a second." And then you never let him take it off, ever.

...seem like a totally Edith thing to say?


@paddlepickle yeah, totes, you're right. I think this was a case of someone answering their own question by working out via the letter, then sending anyway, because why not?

@nonvolleyball I could see that, for sure. My money would still be on Behrle if there were some sort of Hairpin underground betting thing


LW2, karma is bullshit. Especially the white kid variety that leaves out the reincarnation part and just nods knowingly when something bad happens to someone they don't like. What evidence do you see that people are repaid by the universe for their bad behavior. Seriously.

I do not mean that people should not do what's right. I mean that all around you, every day, you can see that bad people do not receive comeuppance. You can feel like they ought to, but you can see that they don't.


@junkle I saw some dumb girl I went to high school with recently post on Facebook "Karma's a bitch just make sure that bitch is beautiful". It was like, not only does that word not mean what you think it means, but I have absolutely no idea what you might think it means based on that statement.


@junkle Yeah, it's predictive Just World Theory when karma is described this way.

How about, don't do wrong things 'cause you shouldn't, and if you do, forgive yourself because it's not all about you? Also you will save yourself from meandering, drug-dreamy internet advice.


@junkle Oh. I can answer this for you-- that line is from a Lil Wayne song.


Oops, & that ^ was to @paddlepickle


(& might as disclose that...I love that song :( That's why I know.)


My husband has a pair of pants like that, and it makes me so happy when he wears them. I'm basically constantly checking out his crotch and ass. Every man should have at least one pair of dicky pants.

Miss Maszkerádi

My ex was always giving "helpful suggestions" about how I should wear my hair. And how I should dress. And what kind of shoes I should wear, and why it was insulting to him if I didn't wear nice enough things. This was all, in fact, extremely helpful, as it helped me to realize just how much I needed to dump him.

LW1, I think you answered your own question when you ask if you're focused on his hair because you're not actually as interested in him as you'd like to be. It sounds like that to me, like the hair rage is serving as an unconscious metaphor, or as a concrete Reason your subconscious has latched onto to make sense of a vaguer sense of disappointment. (Sorry if i'm projecting, I may have been in similar scenarios...)


@CountessMaritza I agree. It's one thing to see a guy at the bar, think he's pretty hot, but be too turned off by his hair or his shoes or whatever to give him your number. But once you get to know someone, you get past it. For example, I've been seeing this guy. When I first met him, at a friends' house for a party, I thought he was nice. But he had a mustache, which I generally don't care for and wore dad jeans (he's in his 40's, me in 30s). Initially, huge turnoff. But the more I got to know him, the more I didn't care.


@Countess Maritza

your ex: blargh.


I just waited until a dude got rid of a TERRIBLE haircut/dye-job, and then I asked him out, and 4 years later I married him. Soooo I think Dude's advice on LW1 is good, because you're just speeding up the process maybe? Sidenote I've seen SO MANY dudes that would go from meh to hnnngggghhhh with just a haircut.


Whenever I see a guy with a ponytail I inwardly cringe and think WHYYY are you doing this to yourself, stranger guy? It sets my teeth on edge. But I've never actually told a guy he should cut his off, even a good friend.

The Lady of Shalott

@Amphora I knew a guy in my grad school cohort who had long stringy hair he wore in a ponytail, and he constantly wore a fedora everywhere with a feather in the band. And he clearly thought he was Hot Shit, and I always wanted to be like...ehhh....why....and then one time he was wondering aloud "I wonder if I should change up my style now that I'm thirty?" and I really wanted to float a "how about losing the ponytail" but I couldn't bring myself to ACTUALLY say it.


@Amphora Oh! My theory on this is that it has nothing to do with gender-normative expectations about hair length, but rather the fact that long man hair rarely (RARELY, but sometimes it does) looks as nice as long ladies hair. Because they don't generally take care of it the same way because (again exceptions etc.) they aren't really rasised being taught how to care for long hair, and have different grooming habits, expectations, etc. Theres more to long hair than just not cutting it. It needs trims, it gets drier at the ends than short hair, other issues like texture matter more than with short hair. You need better conditioner, any conditioner, really). So it just rarely looks good and I generally hate it too!


@Punk-assBookJockey Yeah, I've known a couple guys with fabulous long luscious locks, but for the most part it seems like if you're gonna be so lazy about your stringy, dry or greasy ponytail, why not just cut it off so you have less hair to deal with!


@Punk-assBookJockey Yes! I was just talking to my boyfriend about that the other night because he was joking about growing out metal hair. I've heard more than one guy say that guys who do this take great care of their hair like it's a *thing* and that's why it looks so cool when they wave it around (does it look cool? does it, really?). I was all "have you seen their ends?!" and finally,"as a person with years of experience taking care of long hair..."

After we broke up my ex grew out a ponytail and every time I saw him it made me *so* glad we broke up. He had this incredibly fine red hair that just looked greasy no matter what. But yeah, it is very obvious on most long haired dudes that they have no idea how to take care of it.


@The Lady of Shalott I knew *stringy ponytail guy* in grad school (didn't everybody go to grad school with that guy?), and this really cute normal girl started dating him for inexplicable reasons and within 6 months he got a haircut and turned into a completely normal person. I would scoff and tell you it was an urban legend if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. Never underestimate the love of a good woman.

The Lady of Shalott

@chevyvan OH my god, the worst part of Ponytail Fedora Man was that he already had a long-term girlfriend who was equally annoying. She used to bring salad to class in old pickle jars and eat it noisily. And she called him "Babe," loudly, in public, all over the place. Like if we were at a house party and she wanted his attention she'd yell "Babe! BABE!" across the room. AND she used to randomly lend me clothes, but nothing that I ever wanted or needed...so she'd be like "Here! I really want you to borrow this dress!" and I'd have a dress hanging in my closet for six months that I never wanted, asked for, saw before, or liked in any way. AND one time she turned up to class and said "Oh! I've got something for you!" and rooted around in the bottom of her backpack to hand me a rumpled-up balled-up black skirt covered in cat and dog hair. "Here! I want to lend this to you!" And it was from Bluenotes, which is a Canadian chain for teenagers. And she was at least 30.


tea tray in the sky.

@The Lady of Shalott Oh man, sounded like she wanted so badly to have close girl friends. But jeez what a weird way to go about it.


This A Dude is definitely Jim Behrle and that is why it is so appropriate and delightful that the comments are full of people (including me) going, "...I don't get it?"

evil melis

It's like the Relationshapes of advice columns.


@AuntAgatha My first thought was Joe MacLeod, but re-reading it does seem pretty Behrle-esque.


My boyfriend dislikes my hair, as do most people, actually (it's dyed an unnatural color). He manages to keep his disappointment under control, however, probably because I took a firmly "like it or lump it" stance. Don't try to change this dude's hair unless you get the sense that he really doesn't care about it. Then I guess it's fair game.


I love this man.


Also I appreciate that there's leniency in regards to people who are not the cheatER but are still technically involved in that. Yes, it's not a great idea to get involved with people who are involved with other people, but it happens and I think it should be ultimately up to them to deal with the consequences.


@lauraruth Yes, and when it's a girl sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend, there's so much societal hate for the OTHER WOMAN that is not present when a guy sleeps with a girl who has a boyfriend. I know someone who was the Other Man recently, and you know what? That's not even a thing. The girl's boyfriend is pissed, but nobody else is.


@cuminafterall whaaaaaa? I'm pissed.


@cuminafterall Yes with a but -- agreed that the double-standards vilification of the Other Woman is poisonous, but I also think "do not do things that you know are going to really hurt someone else" is a pretty fair standard. (Pretty sure we all agree on that, but as a recently-kinda-cheated-on lady who is directing 95% of her negative emotions at the Man At Fault but still has some "Not Cool, Lady Who Knew About Me" feelings left over, I am being a teensy bit defensive.)

fruiting body

@cuminafterall I am so glad you wrote this because I had never, ever questioned my own assumptions about the "other woman" and even realized I applied that double standard. I like to think of myself as a reasonably conscientious feminist so I can't believe I have never thought about it before! Ack. At least I am thinking about it now.


LW1: Constructive criticism can work. One time a boy started ironing his pants for me. They were really wrinkled and I said, "Have you ever thought about ironing your pants?" Now he irons my pants, so that worked out well.

However, the most critical thing I will say about his hair is that it looks "dumb but cute," and I will only say this when he asks my opinion. Dudes can be touchy about their hair.

Also, if he is adjusting his hair for reasons other than it being a nervous tic or hanging in his face, he's probably a douche and you shouldn't date him!


@cuminafterall Hiiiiiiiiiii

tea tray in the sky.

@cuminafterall Re: contructive criticism: The only reason my ex is ever going to get any action ever again is because I convinced him that wearing antiperspirant=good (what is this "natural musk" shit? Seriously?).

Future ladies, you're welcome.


I love when the hairpin turns to discussion of large dicks. I realize it's not popular with everyone but IT IS POPULAR WITH ME. Feel free to castrat- I mean castigate- me for this opinion.

A R 3287

@redheaded&crazie It is popular with me, too (unless you meant just the discussion thereof, not the . . . thereof) but I feel guilty about it as I am, apparently, tighter than average (sorry to brag - it sometimes even creates problems so it's not always a good thing! I do get compliments though!) and I feel like I should leave the appreciation to girls who aren't so vaginally unique or whatever.


@A R 3287 Hahaha humblebrag. It's hard for me to watch American Idol, because I have perfect pitch.

Jolie Kerr

@A R 3287 We're like vagina twins! Also I looooooooooooooooove a big dick. Love love love yes let's talk about big dicks! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


@Jolie Kerr I'd ship you and me for this comment alone Jolie but I don't think I have what it takes. :'(


@remargaret It's hard for me to watch American Idol, because there's a water bug on my channel changer.


@Pyxis I listened to "Bossypants" as read by Tina Fey on a road trip recently, and lol'd alone in the car!


@redheaded&crazie That's what toystores are for.


@redheaded&crazie I bought the book for my mom, then borrowed it. Borrowed in this use meaning "never to return again". Tina Fey is my favorite!


@Jolie Kerr My attitude is one of sheer appreciation - like, "Oh, well done, Your Genes. That's just a lovely large cock. How nice!"


@Pyxis probably you don't need to know about my problems, but i rewatched that scene about ten times and every time i just about hyperventilated.


LW1: I think the official term for the haircut issue is "bonerkiller". Bonerkillers are important to heed. I recommend against romanticizing with this guy.


@teenie I'm a fan of "clitwilt" to describe this problem.


OK, you are allowed to have an opinion on your sexytimes partner's hair but I don't think you are allowed to make them do anything about it. Like, my ex had hair preferences for me, but I didn't follow them unless I felt like it. I hated it when he buzzed his glorious curls cuz he was too lazy to use product, but couldn't really stop him so I didn't get too worked up over it.
However, you are totally allowed to make them shower/brush their teeth if they are gross, though I feel like poor hygiene when you want to get it on isn't really good manners, lol.

The Lady of Shalott

@Megano! I feel like HYGIENE-RELATED issues are a You Must Do This, and if your sexytimes partner is pressuring you to do something Hygiene-Related (WASH, brush your teeth, WASH YOUR CLOTHES, whatever), then you are Obligated To Do It. But if your sexytimes partner is pressuring you to do something not hygienically necessary (cut their hair a certain way, use product, wear only the finest overalls, whatevs), then you are obligated to Consider It Only.


@The Lady of Shalott Wear only the finest overalls! How many times have I pleaded? Countless. It would probably be crossing the line to give a pair of overalls for christmas, but sometimes I wonder: what lengths are reasonable to go to to see a hot dude in overalls?

I will strongly consider requests from sexytime partners who I know love me for who I am and all that jazz and who are making requests that are not out of character for me (e.g. wear that flannel shirt you wear when we go camping, pleeeease, vs. wear makeup like eyeliner and stuff).


@The Lady of Shalott HOOOOOOOOOWWWW do you tell a grown man to brush his goddamn teeth? I broke up with someone for not doing so because I shouldn't have to tell a man over 30 to brush his teefs! Why? Why would anyone not?!!
Ok, the teeth weren't the only reason, but it's something I wanted to mention because he's an otherwise lovely person. I didn't know how to say so without being super blunt about it. Buying him his own brush for my place and hinting about it at bedtime DID NOT WORK.

The Lady of Shalott

@Slapfight I DON'T KNOW, but I have a companion story! I was TAing with this guy who was my age, 23 at the time, and he would CONSISTENTLY turn up to 9:30 AM lectures WITHOUT HAVING BRUSHED HIS TEETH. Oh my god. And then he would drink coffee and talk with me. And the SMELL was just HORRIFIC. Imagine someone who has not brushed their teeth and then drank coffee and then BREATHED on you.

So naturally whenever I refer to "Mike" now to anyone else I know, their response is "The guy who didn't brush his teeth?" AND HE HAD A LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND!!!! I don't understand it!!!!! HOW CAN ANYONE NOT BRUSH THEIR TEETH AND THEN GO OUT IN PUBLIC AND INTERACT AUGHGHG


@The Lady of Shalott Oh maaaaan did you TA with my ex? His was pukeworthy (I have a very sensitive sense of smell)! I was just blunt about it, though it didn't really do much good, cuz he is an asshole. I even suggested he see a doctor, because even brushing did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and it can be a sign of ill health.


@The Lady of Shalott Oh God. That sounds like my own personal hell. Normally I'm blunt but this dude was nice so I didn't know how to say it in a way that prolly wouldn't have hurt his feelings. People, brush your teeth! At least twice a day!


I love this A Dude!

The haircut thing...I dunno. My husband likes my hair long and curly. But the thing is that I look like an idiot (true story) with long and curly hair. So I cut it into a pixie. He wasn't crazy about it, but he signed off on such a big change. Now it's blonde. Which I wasn't crazy about, but he really wanted to see. So I signed off on it and figured "It's hair; it'll grow, I can change it."

We also have a standing deal: If I never get my nose pierced (he hates the look), he can never grow a beard (he looks like a used car salesman IMO).

Point being that yeah, okay, I'm in a committed relationship and LW1 isn't. But these are things you gotta be able to talk about, because (like it or no) appearance is important. I love my husband, but I'd be less ATTRACTED to him were he to have that ridiculous beard. I don't really agree with other commenters that LW1 is just using the hair thing as a copout...I get that seriously, she really likes this guy, and it bugs her that she's less attracted to him than she could be, given that normally liking someone comes hand in hand with attraction to them. So it makes her question whether her feelings even are romantic.

Saying "tell him to cut his hair and who gives a fuck" sounds harsh, so how about "you gotta be able to talk about what is and isn't cool in terms of appearance, so how about gently broaching the subject and asking what he would think if you'd want to give him blow jobs if only he had better hair"?


Ugh, I'm kinda bummed out by the number of people down with dictating their partner's appearance. The most I would ever be okay with someone saying is something along the lines of "You know, I like your hair this way, but I miss being able to grab it in the back". If a dude or lady friend told me they wanted me to change my hair I would be out the door in a heartbeat. This includes hair all over! I don't shave and if you don't find that sexy, don't get with me. Similarly, if you don't like the aesthetics of my hairstyling, don't get with me. It doesn't seem that hard. People's bodies are their own, if you don't dig them, don't fuck them.


@tales I mean, imagine your partner asking you to wear makeup all the time or something. Not cool.


@tales I think there's a difference between dictating & just saying shit, though? Like...I'm biased, I guess, because I'm always telling my boyfriend to grow his hair & his beard out so he looks like Jesus. He won't ever do that, & that's okay. But I will tell him to on random occasions.


@tales I've totally bounced because someone tried to get me to shave my legs. Dude, they're my legs. But about things I don't care about? Sure fire away with the constructive criticism. Elsewhere I've mentioned my no-beards rule. Seriously, can't handle them. If one day a dude decided, I know this is a dealbreaker, but I want to grow a beard more than I want to be with you, I would totally respect that.

I think it's one (terrible) thing to get into a relationship and then begin a not-so-subtle nag process to turn the person you're seeing into the person you want to be seeing, and a whole other (not problematic) thing to express a preference from the start and then let the other person decide if it's something they're flexible on or not.


@fabel Ahaha, I might break my no-beards rule (briefly, torrid one-night-stand style) for a '70s jesus flowing hair look.


@adorable-eggplant But how do you know that the thing you're asking the person to change is something they don't care about? Confession: I'm hyper-sensitive to criticism (Virgo, natch), so honestly, if someone I was with suggested I change any part of my appearance, I'd be really offended and put off. Especially if that person weren't even my partner yet! I'd be like "Where do you get off?!" and then I'd punnily yell "Not with me!" and then I would stomp away and go cry into my pillow.


@fabel I'm with you. My husband used to cut his hair super short and I don't even remember how it came up but I said something about him looking cute scruffy and he grew it out - and damn, he's got these great curls? And now randos are always telling him that he's got the best hair ever. I wouldn't leave him if he went back to short (duh) but he's an infinity more adorable now.

Also I'm not a big make up wearer (only for fancy occasions and then only minimal) but there's stuff I know he hates (red lipstick) so I just don't wear it. Not that big of a deal.

Reginal T. Squirge

Are you saying that I could be dating this hair?


@wee_ramekin And then they cry on their pillow for having been rejected by someone with sparkling wit? And you've won really, because you wouldn't want to date someone shallow and clumsy and judgmental.

I've definitely had conversations that went up in flames and/or included a lot of cursing when people have suggested shaving my legs or makeup. But if someone said to me, "You'd look cute with glasses." I'd probably table the 'you don't look cute without them' implication and go straight to "yes, I have always secretly wanted them and I used to go to optometrists and browse for the perfect frames, but I cannot get myself to wear clear lenses because that is ridiculous, but sometimes I wonder if maaaaybe I need reading glasses, which would honestly make me really happy."

But yeah, there's no way of knowing. Something that helps (for me) is thinking about it as a reflection on the person who is making the critique. I've got a near horror of beards, but many people love them. Most things are like that, so anything someone might object to, another person would totally dig.

Also, I've got a pair of bff's who are into style and constantly bemused by my sneakers with skirts approach to life, and yet they still love me, so it has helped hone my h8ers gonna h8 thick skin.


@fabel but would you bone Jesus, if he had a girlfriend?


@tales - I feel like it's totally fine to tell a dude to look different (Within reason - i mean, not like "wear contacts that make your brown eyes blue" or "be a differently shaped person" - those are bad, but like "haha i think it is cute when you dress like sailor picasso") because I mean, look, dudes have more look-based-pressure than we sometimes admit/discuss, but so infinitely much less than las mujeres, it is kind of a different thing when a lady asks a dude to change his hair than vice-versa?

Also because, for virtually all dudes I know, if they had a lady-pal who was a cool friend, and might want to start nakeding up w/ us if we told the barber "oh, the middle left on the poster" instead of "top right", there would be cartoon dust clouds and racecar noises of them running to the barber immediately after they said "hahaha whatever i'ma do what i want" to the lady and she rolled her eyes and walked away. So it's really less idealogical, and more like, eh. NBD for most guys.

I know a dude who popped his collar for like, 3 weeks after ONE LADY told him it looked nice. We told him he looked like a doofus and he said "YEAH BUT A LADY LIKED IT." So we had to convene panels of other ladies at bars to convince him to cut it the fuck out. We're just like that, a lot of the time.


@tales I agree with you for LW1 and for other not-actually-in-a-relationship-yet situations, but once the person is your boyfriend/girlfriend I think you're okay to offer a little input. Casually stated, nothing super-drastic or hugely far afield from their general look, and don't be a dick about it, but I don't see a problem with "Have you ever thought about growing your hair out? I think it'd look cute," or "I'm not sure that beard really flatters you, hon."

(Admitting my bias: I have said that line about the beard, pretty much verbatim. He shaved it off and we got married.)


@leon s " I feel like it's totally fine to tell a dude to look different ... because I mean, look, dudes have more look-based-pressure than we sometimes admit/discuss, but so infinitely much less than las mujeres "

Yeah... fuck that noise, how about we strive for an equality where the world is less shitty towards women instead of shittier towards men.


@Onymous So you're objecting to an assumption with another assumption? (that being, of course, that the statement was somehow anti-male)


@Amphora I don't really think mysandry is needed to make "it's cool to [shitty action] [group A] because people [shitty action] [group B] way more" a fucking awful thought process.


@Onymous lol misandry

Jolie Kerr

People whisper to each other in Spanish.

<3 <3 <3


I feel like if I hung out with this A Dude in real life it would involve a lot of smiling politely and secret eye rolling.

No you can't tell someone to change their hair for you. Gross. Come on.

It doesn't matter what a stranger on the internet thinks of your moral compass. You need to decide how you feel about yourself and your decisions. Own it, learn from it.

I farted with a boyfriend for whom farts and poop jokes were a constant, and I was still super embarrassed even though he laughed and thought it was cute. Sex is weird. But if a guy thinks you're gross or doesn't want to sex you anymore maybe get rid of that guy because he doesn't want to sleep with humans.

I just ate two Jello chocolate mousse pudding snacks. One with raspberries added. There have been many times this week where I doubted my right to call myself an "adult" but this one was not one that I minded.


I'd like to know what brand of pants they were, that made a Dude look so impressive. Bonobos?


I'm glad I'm not alone in digging this Dude. Not all advice has to be from someone trying to sound like a major Font of Wisdom. Sometimes it's cool to just get an honest perspective from a real live person.


I loved this Dude too. People aspire to be so hypermoral all the time, and it just isn't realistic. Yes, you should make some effort not to hurt other people, but we all screw up (and life would be really, really boring without some of those screw ups).


@NotTheJetSet Exactly! I loved this dude, too.

evil melis

Dear _____,

I did a mundane and shitty thing and now it's harder for me to maintain an image of myself that has little to no basis in reality. What should I do?

you're a regular boring jerk like everyone and you too will die; try to be better next time


@evil melis you have no idea how comforting it is for me to read this


@evil melis are you the hairpin god/dess? because awesome.


@NotTheJetSet now i pretty much agree with YOU but DUDE never said the "you should make some effort not to hurt other people" part.


"Sucking your thumb is cool"

Damn straight.

Oh the thumb-sucker's thumb
May look wrinkled and wet
And withered, and white as the snow,
But the taste of a thumb
Is the sweetest taste yet
(As only we thumb-sucker's know).

-Shel Silverstein

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

"I thought I was in love with a woman once but then she grew it out and I was like 'I am no longer in love with this woman.' She wasn't in love with me either."

Hahahaha, I feel like I'm getting too much enjoyment out of this section. And I'm not entirely sure if I'm laughing because I "get" what he's saying, or if I'm laughing at him for saying it.


LW 1. Guys and Dolls would say "Marry the man today and change his ways tomorrow" but that is actually terrible advice. We all have preferences for what is/isn't aesthetically appealing (my gentleman friend used to have long hair but cut it off well before we started dating and I am SO HAPPY about that). But I find that when a little thing is a dealbreaker, it means I'm just not that into the guy. I'm looking for reasons to not pursue the relationship, and those reasons are often superficial. So, yeah. You could try to passive-aggressively encourage him to change his look, or you could just move on.

LW 2: I suspect that many 'Pinners could tell you stories that would make you feel better. You did a thing that was not awesome. Now you feel bad. Go forth and never do that thing again. The Catholic Church has a lot of failings, but I do like the whole Reconcilation process: you do a bad thing, you admit it, you get forgiven, and you try not to do that bad thing again. That's just life. Sometimes we do things that shouldn't be done. Ask yourself why, in case it is indicative of a deeper issue (like, you sleep with taken guys because you are afraid of commitment or something) and don't do it again.


@Blushingflwr yes. this is why religion is helpful, because it has been around long enough to develop rituals to deal with everyday experiences. (The united church in Canada, probably our country's most liberal denomination, has rituals for actually everything, not just happy things. so useful. and, because they pretty much don't ask you to believe anything, they might help non-religious people too.)


I enjoyed this only because I'm pretty sure it was written by my friend Kevin. If you're not my friend Kevin, then I apologize, but still, I chuckled. I am glad that none of these people were really asking serious questions, though, because that would have been a waste for them.


Not, sorry Mr. Dude girl farts are not cute.
At least this girl's farts aren't.
I think my bf is still kind of amazed at some of the things that come out of my ass.


@ReginaSavage Yeah, my farts are generally heinous.


@frigwiggin I am terrified of farting while receiving head. His answer did nothing to assuage my fears.
That said, I still heart this Dude.

oh! valencia

@ReginaSavage This Comment! With your photo! Is making me LOL in my heart!


Listen. You think 'oh, hair can't be THAT BAD and we shouldn't ask them to change' etc.

THEN you meet a sweet dude with a MUSHROOM CUT

LISTEN TO ME. MUSHROOM CUT. Like Leo in 1995. Arron Carter circa "As long as you love me". The most GODAWFUL of styles, along with something that can only be described as a 'lesbian shag' thing going on in the back. Two tiny prongs of hair in the front framing a round face.

And you know what? He was cool. Cause he hadn't actually changed his hair since he was 10. Dudes! They don't think about their hair the way we do.


@JadedStone in these parts we call that the "Moe"

evil melis

Don't you try to fucking pin your boyfriend's shitty decisions on lesbians. We won't take that responsibility.


@evil melis yes evil melis. you are right. (sidebar, I think sometimes all people should have an image that expresses their identity. many people such as myself could take lessons from people whose hair is a form of self-expression.


I wonder about #1 sometimes, because my boyfriend of 5 years apparently had a terrrrrible mustache right before we met, and I hate mustaches. But on the other hand, there are certain things that he's improved a lot since we got together (like brushing his teeth) and I'm not saying I had anything to do with it, but I'm still like, hm! I'm surprised these weird things didn't bother me. (Except for when he would wear a hoodie without his arms in the arms. Like, a cape with just the hood on his head. I told him that was absurd, and he kept doing it until at some point he agreed with me.)


@frigwiggin Also, since I dye my hair approximately every 6 weeks, I'm totally up for taking his opinion on what looks good and what doesn't. He wasn't big on the idea of a full head of orange hair, and it turned out I only had a weensy amount of orange in the bottle anyway, so it turned into black hair with an orange streak! I guess collaboration is a little different than dictation, but I'm happy to know what he likes. (Of course, his favorite color was the accident that happened when I got in trouble at work and had to dye over hot pink with drugstore brown, and it turned out kind of purple? I don't think I can recreate that.)


@frigwiggin Those kinds of things are odd. Like, I REALLY like beards, to the extent that basically every guy I have ever dated has a beard, and when I first met my ex he didn't have one; and apparently, he tried to flirt with me but I totally blew him off and had no recollection of meeting him before when a couple of months later I met him at a party and was all 'whoaa who's the hottie with the beard?!?!' It is very odd to me that I had no interest in him when he had no beard and fell head over heels for him when he had one. Once we were together I still thought he was hot without it, but. . .yeah. Still weird.


@frigwiggin i knew my boyfriend for a long time before i had feelings for him and although he was a dear friend of mine, i always thought he was totally gross because of hygiene and lifestyle-related things. also he was practically skin and bone. since we've been together he's actually improved a bit - he eats better and brushes his teeth and acts like an adult and stuff, even - but at first he didn't, and yet i was suddenly attracted to him when i first allowed myself to be, despite the bad teeth and tiny body and everything. idk. love makes a lot of stuff not matter.

Annabel McShane Wulfhart@facebook

i thought this was awesome and i think i am in love with this dude.



@Annabel McShane Wulfhart@facebook Me too! Sometimes the dudes are too super sweet and moral for my tastes, I like my Dudes with flaws and apparently also a liberal springling of "whatevers." Although, I am always a little squicked when lady oral is referred to as "giving head" but I'm not sure why.


@shantasybaby i feel the opposite! i make a point to say that instead of "eating out" or anything else..i like that it levels the playing field

my boyfriend literally says "cunnilingus". also "breasts"


I don't see anything sinister in investigating whether or not a guy is interested in experimenting with a different hair cut. I think in many ways it's less fraught suggesting that he change his hair as a friend than as a girlfriend.


I like this dude.

Lw1- I did not like my dude's hair really when we started dating and I subtlety joshed him about it about it. One day he mentioned how confident it made him feel and I instantly started liking it. Then he changed it, to please me, I think, and now I'm kinda bummed.

Jim Behrle@twitter

Dude!! Show us your penis!!

Wendy L. Smith@facebook

@Jim Behrle@twitter I knew it was you! I knew it first!!


Am I really the only one getting Cary Tennis vibes from Dude?

Betsy Murgatroyd

All of these answers seemed like there were different dudes answering each question. Or maybe it was multiple personality dude?


"Do you mean like, you worry about karma? Or cosmic payback? You may be participating in the cosmic payback to someone else, it's tough to know just where the universe is coming from most of the time."

I will post this on my fridge. Love this Dude. May not agree on the hair thing, but whatever. He is cool.


I love this dude, though I don't know how useful the advice is. Hilarious awesome read, but the answer to #2? Not so much. And kind of apathetic. Why give advice if you're apathetic?


I appreciate all you have done for myself and my family. My name is harry and after contacting so many fake spell casters that only played with my heart you´d got what I wanted: my family back. Your sincere kindness and thoughtfulness inspires me. You have touched my heart deeply and I will forever be grateful that you got rid of all the negative influences that surrounded my wife and I. Now we are back and my son is very happy again, with his parents together... Thanks ANTOGAI antogaispelltemple@yahoo.com all my gratefulness


I think this Dude might be drunk?


LW2, you will burn in some proverbial hell, and A Dude, you likely will also.


Look, I've contemplating doing what LW2 did, and I was shocked to find my attitude was, "if their relationship is that bad that he would sleep with someone else, it's not my lookout." Previously, I had been all about sisterhood and not enabling someone to break someone else's heart, etc. I never actually did it (lack of opportunity, mostly, but who knows if my conscience would have won out). I'm neither proud nor defiant about it. He'd already told me about his relationship, and on the evidence, it was awful. Sometimes people do bad and unskillful things. I don't see why the promise of punishment or "karma" has to come into it. I've already been through emotional hell for vast portions of my life, and through it all I've been an exemplary gentleman. (I am a woman, but that's my word for it.) I guess I felt like if a little happiness and excitement and diversion was going to happen, I was going to grab it without looking too closely at the consequences. It's human, it's not the moral thing to do, but it's not always a case of "you are evil and are going to hell." That's rather facile.


i really like beards and general disheveled-ness, and almost every boy i've dated has started growing one when we first get together (without me asking, just upon learning this about me), and i feel all special, and then was like "fuck that" and shaved it off like two weeks later/looked however he wanted for the rest of our duration


I thought the title was Hair and Mortality. I don't know.


I'm so glad to see others were rather dismayed at the advice. It was...off.

The thing about the hair question: I can totally see where his answer sounds valid! I mean, it sounds pretty darn romantic, and what's wrong with a guy changing his (bad) hairstyle to prove his love or whatever? It does sound like sense, on some level. But what if the shoe was on the other foot? What if this were a guy asking if he was right to ask a girl to change her appearance to better suit him somehow? I think a lot of us would be offended. I know I would. It would feel blatantly wrong and sexist. Which means, the whole situation IS in fact wrong and sexist. Not in a horrifically damaging way, no. But it is, nonetheless, though to a smaller degree in the grand scheme of sexism. So no. It's not okay to have someone change their appearance in order to suit your own personal tastes when they are already happy with the way they look. I don't think so, anyway. I mean, if he actually asked you, "Hey, what kind of hairstyle do you think would look good on me?" then sure, feel free to tell him. Otherwise, leave this guy alone as you are probably right and you're not all that interested in him after all. If you were, his hair wouldn't be a deal breaker.


"And you deserve a man who will disfigure himself in every possible way just to be with you."

While he didn't do a fantastic job answering questions, I enjoyed his sense of humor. Possibly have him write a fake advice column. I think the first one was answered as dryly as it was to point out how crazy and manipulative the thing she wanted to do was, and it worked. Good job, Imperfect Advice Man.


Yeah, this is a really weird Dude and I was equally offended by his lack of sentence variety as I was by his apathetic, jokey advice... it was funny at times but if you don't care about these questions, why are you writing an advice column?

LW1, you don't like him! The tone of the letter sounds so mehh... "There's this guy I know... why I don't like him as much as I wish I did..." Wanting to like him, or thinking he deserves to be liked, is not and will not ever be the same as really truly liking him. If you did really truly like him, the haircut would not be a dealbreaker! I orchestrated a massive overhaul of my dude's appearance within the first few months of dating, but I had already fallen in love with him despite the dorky glasses, awkwardly poofy hair, and lame chin-patch beard before I began to make my suggestions. Now I find him irresistibly gorgeous and our friends have even commented to him that he looks so much better than he did before we were dating. But in this situation, I highly doubt you'll like him much better if he alters his hair, and then when you finally decide that you really just don't like him Like That, he'll have to cope with a rejection on top of the loss of his beloved hairdo.


With regards to question one: read Hemingway's Garden of Eden. It will make anything haircut-related squick you out supremely and you will never want anyone to change their appearance for you ever again.


This has been my favorite Dude, in the history of all Dudes. I feel like reading that hair section on repeat.


The hair thing: all you do is say to a gossipy mutual friend "Gaaaah I totally want to bone Todd, he's so smart and funny! But his hair is so bad. I know this is silly, because he's such a cool dude, but I wish he'd lose the rat tail. I just can't get past it, and unless it goes, I'll probably never get with him." Then have this friend relay this conversation to Todd. If he's into you, he will cut his hair. If he's not into you, he won't, but you guys weren't happening anyway. PROBLEM SOLVED.


This is my favorite thing ever. And I am encouraged by the fact that this was not Ask a Married Dude. So Dear This Rotating Dude: Let's fart and go down on each other and I'll tell the whole office that those pants could never capture the glory of your downstairs.


Honestly, this was good advice and totally hilarious at the same time. Guys will be guys, they don't always think like us so we can't expect their advice to be what we thought it was going to be. Plus, that would ruin the fun!



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LOL why dont you like it? I think that kind of hairstyle is not that sucks or bad, because that style is really simple. Many guys like a short hair because sometimes a long hair feels uncomfortable, and it feels hot too. But is okay because everyone has their own assessment. Anyway thanks for sharing.
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Xa Hoi@facebook

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