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Monday, October 1, 2012

58

Get This Look: Royal Ladies

The 'Sexy Victoria'

While the end of her days found her majesty so corpulent that she required an elaborate system of pulleys and levers to gain egress from the royal horse-drawn carriage, in the flower of her youth, this spunky minx enjoyed nothing so much as romping with her spaniels, spirited waltzes, and mad bang-sessions with her favorite Saxe-Coburg and Gotha-born Euro-hunk, Prince Albert.

To get this look: leather knee-length a-line skirt, lace tippet, open-crotch nude body stocking, and micro-bustle.

The ‘Mad Like a Castilian Fox’

Joanna of Castile was so smart, rich, attractive, and well-born (her parents paid to have America discovered) that she bagged a husband named Philip the Handsome. Repeat: he was so handsome it was literally an adjectival added to his given name. Sadly, he was also a dirtbag who broke her heart with his cheating ways (due in large part, no doubt, to his surfeit of handsomeness) and then had her locked away for insanity, in a nunnery, so he could get his hands on her sizable birthright.

To get this look: vintage petticoat, handmade distressed gray and black denim corset with tulle, and ballet flats.

The ‘Lost Princess’

The Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia met her end in 1918 along with the rest of Tsar Nicholas the II's family, at the hands of the Bolsheviks. While the tragedy of their deaths marked a turning point in Russia's political history, Anastasia herself stands out in memory for the rumors about her escaping murder, having a voice not unlike Meg Ryan’s, and socializing with an embittered John Cusack while evading Bartok the bat. (See: Disney’s Anastasia.) While these were all ultimately discredited, the grandeur of Imperial Russia paired with the striking images of the lost Duchess continue to inspire brunettes the world over.

To get this look: Bologaro Trevor Ombro Dress, vintage ushanka, and school boy loafers.

Next Week: Fascists.

 

Previously: Desk Excavation.

Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn. She's an editor at Fempop, and spends a large amount of her time pretending to be a mildly evil cat on the internet.



58 Comments / Post A Comment

Ophelia

I'm not sure it's intentional, but "Next week: Fascists" is probably THE funniest thing that could've come after Anastasia.

Megasus

This is amazing.
But Anastasia's should have included a dress like this one, because at 26 year old, I still want one.

Bittersweet

Make sure you hide some jewels in the lining of that ombre dress, in the interests of historical authenticity.

(It took all my self-control to watch Anastasia with my daughter a few years ago without pausing it after every scene to lecture her on What Really Happened.)

noReally

@Bittersweet Yeah, sew two corsets together, with pounds of jewelry in between. Wear it for six months straight, including three sweltering months of Siberian summer. Heavy enough to repel assassins' bullets, so they have to use bayonets.

The Lady of Shalott

How do I get someone to buy me that ombre dress? I NEED IT. I would look so good in it. I MUST HAVE IT.

I will accessorize it by draping myself in vintage jewelry, also selected for me by the Hairpin.

frigwiggin

@The Lady of Shalott I like it! It's, like, super-classy but could also double as a Halloween costume.

MilesofMountains

@The Lady of Shalott I have absolutely nowhere to wear it, but I want it so bad!

Alice Winn@twitter

Glad to see "Joanna The Mad" well represented.

LacunaKale

I love that the weird lingerie site with the micro bustle has a banner a for food stockpiling. 1 year supply of corned beef? Check. Peek-a-boo underoos to help pass the time in the bunker? Also check. Anyone to share the canned and cut out funtimes? Perished in the first wave of llama attacks.

anitabath

@LacunaKale Also, "waitng." With all this fun, fantasy and adventure in store there was surely no time for spellcheck!

SarahP

Philip the Handsome!

Don't google image him. You will be disappointed.

teaandcakeordeath

@SarahP
Too late. Dang.

Megasus

@SarahP BAHAHAHHA

Sella Turcica

@SarahP Philip the Inbred.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@SarahP I get the distinct impression that back in the days before modern medicine and sanitation, all you need is both of your original eyeballs, a nose, and at least one tooth, and you're automatically the handsomest in the land.

SarahP

@werewolfbarmitzvah Philip the Symmetrical-Featured With No Open Sores

Megasus

@werewolfbarmitzvah I think that head of hair had something to do with it too.

PistolPackinMama

@SarahP And maybe he was also Phillip the Guy With Relatively Mild Halitosis?

He looks like a juicebox.

redonion

I really, REALLY hope this is an ongoing series, because it sends me down my favorite internet, time-wasting rabbit holes - revisiting the tragic lives of historical figures and browsing for clothes I can't afford/would never actually wear but adore.

sceps yarx

@redonion That's what I like to do on the internet toooo! One tab open to Wikipedia, one tab open to polyvore.com.

fruiting body

I REALLY want that ombre dress except I think I'd look like The Bride Who Sweat Blood

squishycat

Anastasia is not, in fact, a Disney film. It's a Don Bluth/Fox feature.

anachronistique

@squishycat I am so glad that not one but two commenters beat me to "ANASTASIA IS NOT A DISNEY MOVIE." My people!

Rebecca Stokes@facebook

@squishycat oh snap, was it really? NOTED! Now let me quietly reflect on the general awesomeness of the Bluth cannon and weep while watching clips from the Rats of NIMH.

squishycat

@Rebecca Stokes@facebook The first movie I can remember making me cry ALL THE TEARS was All Dogs go to Heaven. Bluth, WHY SO AWESOME?

Bittersweet

@squishycat For his next feature, Mr. Bluth offers us, "The Princes in the Tower," in which brave little Edward and Richard escape a terrible fate in the Tower of London in 1485 and must make their perilous way to York to safety with their kindly brother-in-law, Henry VII. All the while they must combat the evil spirit of dead hunchback usurper Richard III and his wise-cracking ghost horse, called My Kingdom.

chrysopoeia

@Rebecca Stokes@facebook And Thumbelina, which I may or may not have sobbed to recently. Hello, the mom is sung by BARBARA COOK.

squishycat

@Bittersweet Thank you, I am am frightening the cat with my laughter yet again.

Rebecca Stokes@facebook

@squishycat DUDE. You speak truths - weirdly, Thumbellina gets me every time too! When she's underground? And she thinks the prince is dead? Thank God for Charo. That's all I have to say. Ever, really.

Rebecca Stokes@facebook

@Bittersweet for added levels of delight - let's cast Dom Deluise as Richard. Revel in it, you guys.

Bittersweet

@Rebecca Stokes@facebook Extra humor points if his hump keeps falling off.

whimseywisp

@anachronistique I WAS SO GOING TO COMMENT TOOOO :D.

lora.bee

@Rebecca Stokes@facebook Dom DeLuise makes me so happy.

Kate Kittenheart

Wasn't that Anastasia movie Don Bluth for Fox, not Disney?

teaandcakeordeath

Disney's Anastasia was ultimately discredited? Gasp! *clutches pearls*

maybe partying will help

I have to say, me wearing that ushanka would be a great thing.

Maghrebi

If "Fascist Ladies" does not include Diana Mitford, I will be very disappointed. Bitch had style. So did Olivia Rossetti Agresti, except there are no photos of her. :(

Rebecca Stokes@facebook

@Maghrebi GET OUTTA MY HEAD!

PatatasBravas

@Rebecca Stokes@facebook I HOPE YOUR CAPSY REPLY INDICATES THAT THERE REALLY IS A FASCIST FASHION WEEK COMING UP.

permanentbitchface

The "handmade distressed gray and black denim corset with tulle" is hilarious. I mean I feel bad that someone obviously spent so much time on it, but damn. That is one hot mess outfit.

wealhtheow

@permanentbitchface
THANK YOU. I felt like I was taking crazy pills. That thing is downright hideous.

Priscilla Peel

I love this! And now I want to know where I can find a modern version of Elizabeth I's sea serpent skirt.

Chrestomanci

@Priscilla Peel To get this look, take one wagon wheel...

gobblegirl

How can you mention Joanna the Mad without reminding us that she is said to have had her husband's corpse preserved and carried it around with her as THE ULTIMATE ACCESSORY?!!?!

Rebecca Stokes@facebook

@gobblegirl HOW IS THIS NOT A FACT I KNOW?! Cue the opening bars of the seminal Hall and Oates classic "I Can't Go For That!"

sceps yarx

@gobblegirl I suggested mounting our Jack Russell's articulated skeleton when he dies, and my husband was like, "nooooooooooooo!!!!!"

PistolPackinMama

@gobblegirl I seem to recall that happening to a Spanish lady, as well. Was that a thing people did then? Or am I mis-remembering?

itiresias

I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time putting together my Cersei Lannister halloween costume, so this post is extremely relevant to my interests right now. Jussayin.

Megasus

@itiresias Regular Cersei or Drunk Cersei (please say Drunk Cersei, and you go around all night with a goblet yelling "MORE WINE!" and telling random people about rape)

martinipie

@itiresias That is the best costume idea ever. Her golden breastplate in the Blackwater episode was the awesomest. Ugh she is so *~fucking fabulous~*

itiresias

@Megano! Obviously beginning as regular cersei, and slowly morphing throughout the night. I'm planning to buy some sort of goblet from Goodwill and sneak it into a bar with me if I go out.

Megasus

@itiresias omgggggg I am so excited for you!

descie

I hope you all realize that Anastasia was 20th Century Fox, not Disney. Egregious error, and I will never read the Hairpin, never again!!

wee_ramekin

@descie Hey, look. If I can learn to do it, you can learn to do it...

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