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Friday, October 19, 2012

887

Friday Open Thread

The week is over! And hopefully your weekend will be pleasant.

Tags:

rain, open thread



887 Comments / Post A Comment

fondue with cheddar

It came to my attention this week (via the "follow" thing in the sidebar which I never look at) that someone I know likes The Hairpin on Facebook. This person is close friends with my ex husband and his wife (with whom he had a long-term affair while we were married).

I haven't stayed in touch with person-who-liked-The-Hairpin-on-Facebook because I've pretty much stopped associating with people who associate with my ex and his now-wife. I've moved on with my life, and part of moving on was leaving that circle behind. I let a lot of friendships go, including some which were pretty hard to give up, but that's just the way it has to be.

I have talked here about the situation to a great extent, spread out among many comments. I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of her reading these comments, and as a result, my ex possibly reading these comments. I've never said anything here that's a huge secret that would be devastating if it got out, and I don't much care if they know what's going on in my life or if they read what I said about that whole mess of a situation. The thing is that it's a little misleading. I've talked a whole hell of a lot about that stuff, which would suggest that it's something I still dwell on.

But I don't. It's a huge event in my personal history for sure, and no matter how much time passes it will always be part of who I am. It has lost some of its significance since everything came to a head 5 1/2 years ago and will continue to do so as I have new experiences that overshadow it, but it will always be there. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't make me angry, and I'm comfortable talking about it. When the conversation turns to related topics I chime in. It's reassuring to find people who have been through the same things you have, and if my experiences can help shed light on something someone else is going through, that's great!. Also, I won't lie…it's a juicy and entertaining story! But it's not much more than that, and hasn't been for a long time.

I don't know why I feel the need to explain this. My former husband and my former friend are not part of my life anymore, and what they think of me really doesn't matter. But I guess it's just a basic pride thing. You always want your ex to know that you've moved on, right? (Well, unless you're hoping to get them back.) I don't know what my other estranged friends think of me, either. None of this should matter, but it does a little bit. I'm only human.

Anyway, I don't know whether she is a regular commenter or just reads the posts or somewhere in between, but knowing her I wouldn't be surprised if she were a regular commenter. I guess I just want to know if she is, because 1) it's weird to think that one of you is someone I know but not know who it is, and 2) it would be nice to know if what I say could potentially be read by people who know me personally. So if you're her and you see this, can you say hi?

Inkling

You share your experiences to help others understand their own. That's nothing to be ashamed of. Obviously you don't pine over your ex, and you just like to talk about parts of your life with us. That's totally mature and normal, and anyone who reads into that would be pretty silly.

Danzig!

@fondue with cheddar That's totally natural! We like to imagine other people thinking of us, even if we don't care WHAT they think of us. There's a certain amount of romance in being remembered.

I've briefly dated a 'pinner or two (hey there! hi!) but I don't know who they actually are on the site, and that's fine. I've probably revealed worse about myself than you have about yourself ;) don't sweat it.

Lit Drunkard

@fondue with cheddar I'm not her, but I'm sorry you're going through this. It's never enjoyable when the past makes it way to the present

fondue with cheddar

@Inkling Thanks, I'm sure you're right. Most likely nobody even cares. They've moved on, too. But it would be nice to know if I'm talking anonymously to strangers (and Internet Friends!) or if I'm talking to people I know in the physical world with whom I have a history.

katiemcgillicuddy

@fondue with cheddar Just cause she liked it doesn't mean she reads the comments to any great extent. I know there are plenty of lurkers out there who do (assuming she's not a commenter), but I'm sure there are plenty of people who check it pretty casually (which, their loss). Don't let it stress you out.

fondue with cheddar

@katiemcgillicuddy Yeah, I know there are lurkers, that's why I asked. But this is a community I can totally see her participating in. I'm totally not stressed out about it, I just want to know if she's here, that's all.

Imagine if you were at a costume party where everyone was wearing masks and you thought they were all strangers, then you found out someone you knew was maybe going to be there. Wouldn't you want to know if they were there and who they were?

RNL
RNL

@fondue with cheddar Completely. It's stressful to think about!

I've shared things I don't share with my IRL more casual friends on purpose (for instance, that I'm secretly sleeping with a member of my social circle). And then realized that, should anyone care, there are plenty of identifying details in my comments. And because my friends are like-minded, they read the 'Pin. And then... little panic.

No helpful advice, only some empathy.

katiemcgillicuddy

@fondue with cheddar Oh, absolutely. I know a few people who read the site and I'm a little thrown knowing that (and most of my comments are just bad jokes, so).

fondue with cheddar

@katiemcgillicuddy Haha. But I like your bad jokes! :)

Yeah, I normally wouldn't care, but this person is a close friend of the ex and his wife, so much that I think she may have known about the affair before I did. Maybe not, but either way I can't help but wonder whether or not what I've said has reached her eyes.

katiemcgillicuddy

@fondue with cheddar Ha! :) Yeah, I'd be super curious, too. Ah, fuck em all, eat some nachos and be done with it.

Gwdihw

@fondue with cheddar
Didn't you change your username? Is it possible she doesn't know you changed it? If you get no reply to your comment from her, that might be a contributing factor?

255
255

@fondue with cheddar Wanted to say that you're inspiring me with how centered and expressive you are. Thanks for writing all of that. I'm going through a divorce and 2 weeks ago I broke up with the boyfriend that followed my husband (husband had an affair), a pretty significant relationship for me. I'm pretty lonely and depressed. Sigh. I need to bury myself in my work but I am unmotivated and lonely. Some days are better than others, but god the weight on my shoulders fucking sucks.

I want nachos.

HeyThatsMyBike

@fondue with cheddar Keep in mind that unless you've been naming names, she may not make the connection even if she read every single one of your comments. Because your comments come from your point of view (which I'm guessing she may have considered in a general way, but not necessarily at length or in a more detailed way), which she probably hasn't heard before, she's less likely to be like "OMG I BET THAT IS SO AND SO." The shitty truth is that people have affairs and friends get all caught in the middle, so again, I doubt she'd jump to the conclusion that you are you.

And BECAUSE the shitty truth is that people have affairs, I hope that you won't just stop mentioning it, because your perspective may help others going through the same thing (like @255 above!). You've got your shit together, and people who are where you were 5.5 years ago may find a lot of hope in that.

fondue with cheddar

@l'esprit de l'escalier I did change my username, but left the (formerly ___) for awhile. A month?

@HeyThatsMyBike I get what you're saying, but if she read all my comments she would absolutely know it was me. Even as I made a lot of the comments, it was always in the back of my mind when I made them that if anybody I knew read it they would know it was me. I've given lot of specifics—not names and places, but so much happened (beyond the cheating) that even an overview of the situation is a pretty unique story. And besides, my former username was my first name and birth day/month, which is kind of a dead giveaway even if she weren't sure.

I won't stop mentioning it. As I said, there are no big secrets from me (the secrets are all on the other side). A friend of mine went through something similar about a year after I did, and my perspective helped her a lot dealing with it. If I can help other people then I absolutely will!

@katiemcgillicuddy Yeah, nachos are the correct answer to most questions. :)

fondue with cheddar

@255 Aww, you're welcome! I'm sorry you went through it too, and I'm sorry about the breakup also. HUGS

I got into a serious relationship about a year and a half after separating, and we broke up after 2 1/2 years. When you're on the heels of a failed marriage, your next breakup is extra difficult, isn't it? If you're going through the divorce now I imagine it's maybe only been a year or so? Sounds pretty tumultuous. But...

It does get better!

There's always sadness when something ends, and it's important to mourn significant endings and feel your feelings. But I've found that the best way to get out of the dumps is to try not to think about it as a loss. With change, there are always losses, but they are of both the good and bad varieties. And there may be positive gains, too. Think about all the aspects of that relationship that were less than ideal. Now you don't have to deal with those things! Maybe you have more time on your hands, which some see as a bad thing but it can definitely be a good thing! I find alone time to be pretty valuable. When I break up with someone, even if I'm unhappy, I always enjoy that alone time which was lacking before. Loneliness sucks, but freedom is wonderful.

I know it's only been two weeks, so this is probably hard to swallow. But you will feel better as time passes. Please feel free to talk to me via this comment thread. I'm glad to lend an ear!

And I hope your divorce is not a messy one.

255
255

@fondue with cheddar The significance is more than I anticipated, being flooded with so many dark feelings, and in the midst of a moment where I've had to cut back on therapy which was my only steadfast support. I don't have to deal with those negative things yes... though I still love him and I miss our dynamic, the parts that worked... and I wish he was not certain ways, including going out immediately and dating, or having dated through the last throes of our relationship, but I ahve to see that as not a shameful reflection on me. But it was right to end, more time is among the much needed things I was lacking. My brain has just been processed to use him as a crutch for all the painful things going on in my life. He was my happiness, my levity, in the midst of this nightmare.

It has only been 2 weeks, I have to remember that for realss. This will take a good while to get over for me, even if for him, who knows what's going on with him that he's running around dating so fast. I predict it will just make him feel empty, though I am getting better at not caring, and I keep telling myself that he has to live his life of his free choice, and make his own mistakes.

Thank you for lending an ear. This thread has helped me when at times I would probably been thinking of him. I need courage, I am so filled with fear. OK this has been a pretty dark comment, hope you all don't mind.

The divorce I have emotionally been ok with, I take good care of myself, though it is a rough one. But I have never really been alone. I don't know how to do it. This morning I had some good revelations, but I had a horrible night of sleep last night and just want to chill and not go back to those thoughts from this morning. Just need some good TV.

fondue with cheddar

@255 I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I've had your comment open in a tab in my browser all week, but I wanted to wait to read and respond to it until I really had the chance to focus. Unfortunately the only good place I have to do that is work, and I've been pretty busy. I haven't forgotten about you. :)

That stinks that you had to cut back on therapy. I've had to do the same thing during hard times, and it's a tough thing to do without when you need it.

You're probably right, dating so soon after a significant breakup DOES feel empty. Even when my marriage ended (which felt good and right), dating felt empty for awhile. It's hard to just stop caring about someone when they've been such a big part of your life, probably impossible, but the longer you distance yourself from him the less it will occupy your thoughts. Heck, I still care very much about a boyfriend I broke up with in 1996, but I don't think about him nearly as much as I did in the immediate aftermath.

As for being alone, I thought of this video as soon as I first saw (skimmed, admittedly) your comment days ago, and I wanted to watch it again before posting it. I've had the experience of both being fearfully lonely and being blissfully alone, and I think this is profound and beautiful. Even if it doesn't resonate with you now, bookmark it and watch it again in a week, and again a week after that, and as time passes you might see it differently. I hope it helps. How to Be Alone

People have been through much worse and have come out on top. I don't say this to belittle your feelings or experiences; just because someone has suffered greater hardships than you does not invalidate your suffering. My point is that you can get through this. You will get through this!

jhonsons

SUPER THANK YOU@j

Charismatic Megafauna

Well, I broke my toe last night when my foot slipped off the wet pedal in a sudden downpour. I'm still on the hook to go camping/hiking/leaf-peeping all weekend with friends, even though I doubt I'll be able to hike or even walk very much. As the trip was at my suggestion (nay, insistence), should I call it off? Will my immobility ruin this autumn delight for everyone? Should I send them hiking without me while I find a spot to sit and fish? (Previously unplanned, that would require a heroic packing effort right now, including getting rod, reel, and lures ready to go.)

This is what I get for being a strident, all-weather bike commuter. People are not impressed, they are annoyed, and - it turns out - somewhat rightly.

Megasus

@Charismatic Megafauna Yes! There are so many tiny bones in your foot, and being on them all the time makes it really hard for them to heal. You really should be making every effort to stay off your feet if possible.

empathicalist

@Charismatic Megafauna As much as it sucks, yeah, you need to bow out. I mean, they can go if they want, but don't abuse your poor toe - they're quite useful, you know!

laurel

@Charismatic Megafauna: Hail to you, all-weather bike commuter. If you'd enjoy sitting by the water, reading a book solo while your friends go hiking, by all means go ahead with plans to camp.

fabel

@Charismatic Megafauna Yeah, stay off the foot & rest! FO'REAL

-the girl whose pinky toe is now crooked because she smashed it into a door frame at full-speed after leaping over a pile of clothes, & then decided it was still okay to go out dancing that same night in a pair of high-heeled boots.

Charismatic Megafauna

@laurel

RELATED: I should at least go equipped with some good ghost stories. Suggestions, please?

Blondsak

@Charismatic Megafauna Yeah, you should cancel/say you can't make it. I broke one of my big toes last year, and it took 2 months for the bruising and 7-9 months for the pain to fully go away. I fully attribute this to being in my sister's wedding two days after breaking it. Sure, I wore flats, but DAMN being on my feet that much right after it happened was killer.

laurel

@Charismatic Megafauna: Excellent idea. I don't know any, but here's a whole bunch of links.

255
255

@Charismatic Megafauna Don't put your health and future walking AND RIDING at risk for fear of something that might actually not happen. Life sucks and things happen, be honest, be apologetic and say how you even thought about going anyway, but this is what real life looks like. As shocking as it is to change your mind after planning all of this, changing perspective is hard, but I think denying it is kind of unfair to yourself and your friends, your friends wouldn't want you to hurt yourself further. I mean maybe your friends will want to be there for you! Maybe it won't bother them at all. Trust that things could be totally ok if you bow out and let yourself heal, for awhile.

You seem like a total badass so I know resting is probably hard, but give it a shot. It's just life practice, you can redo it next time you break a toe if staying home turns out to suck.

SarahP

I am just coming off of a week-long depressive spell and while I'm not sure I'm at 100%, it is AMAZING to have my brain back.

And this weekend I will actually have a chance to do the yardwork I've been planning to do for a month AND I am going to a 2-year-old's birthdary party AND go 80s dancing! (Ooo, I should post an open invite to that below...) So yeah, I am SO glad it's Friday and that I am back!

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@SarahP I feel ya on the joy at being 'back'. It's such a weird feeling when depression makes you feel like you've lost yourself. Or, even worse, when it persuades you that your happy self is a big lie and the depressed feelings are The Truth.

Any particular triggers for you? No worries if you prefer not to talk about it. I still find it frustrating that after so many years I cant identify the triggers, or even if they exist, leaving me in fear of an episode descending at any time without warning

terrific

@SarahP Aw man, I'm fighting my way out of one / an anxiety spell right now, too. Luckily I have an appointment with a new therapist after a looonnng break on Monday, so I have that to look forward to.

SarahP

@Speaking of cake, I have cake My triggers are like 90% seasonal changes, which I never remember until I'm a couple days into feeling like a terrible waste of space and realize, Oh yeah, it's Autumn (or Oh yeah, it's March).

Also, you know, the feeling that people are incapable of ever truly understanding one another, the heat death of the universe, etc.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@SarahP Ah yes, universe heat death is a doozy. The seasonal thing must be true too. Which is a shame, cos I actually like autumn

255
255

@terrific I too am depressed not least because due to finances I had to cut my therapy down to every 2 weeks, instead of every week. I am going through a divorce and a breakup of the guy who followed my husband and I am doing ok, but the loneliness and pain can be crushing right now. I don't actually know how to be alone, or I don't remember my awesome alone self. Ugh. Exercise helps but not always.

area@twitter

Started my new job this week; it's going well so far. My new office is on the waterfront. Actually on the waterfront- the other side of our street is the harbor. There is a pirate ship that ties up literally thirty feet from our door and I heard a great deal of lusty booze-inspired yelling a few hours ago as they set off on a cruise. I'm choosing to interpret this all as a good omen.
Happy weekend, 'Pinners!

Lit Drunkard

@area@twitter PIRATES? I'm so intensely jealous it's not funny. And not just because I work in an office park

RK Fire

@area@twitter: Damn. Are you guys still hiring? I think I can guess which part of the city you work in, although I have no idea what your new office is.

Lit Drunkard

I'm not her, but I'm sorry you're going through this. It's never enjoyable when the past makes it way to the present

Lit Drunkard

@Lit Drunkard huh, this isn't where it's supposed to be. Sorry all!

Dancercise

What's the best decision you've made all week?

adorable-eggplant

@Dancercise Making beer bread with the leftover beer from the party, rather than just drinking extra beer all week. My house smells so good!!

Jane Err

@adorable-eggplant I love beer bread because I love it when beer does work for me! Like making my belly rounder and my opinions looser!

sarah girl

@Dancercise Decided to go ahead and give my move-out notice at my apartment complex so I can move in with my boyfriend!

New Commenter Name

@Dancercise
Ooh! I made peanut butter crispy bars and oh god they are SO good. It has been the best part of my emotionally exhausting week. Better yet, I brought them to work and shared them and doing that made me feel slightly better.

Hellcat

@Dancercise My best decision this week was hitting the "buy" button as fast as I could when I found out the Jeffrey Campbell "Ving" boot, which I've been coveting for a year now, was finally back in stock in my size. While I'm sure that makes me seem horribly flighty and shallow, I maintain that it was indeed the best one... if only because everything else I've done this week seems, in hindsight, like the antics of a crazy person.

leonstj

@Dancercise I appear to have begun going to the gym, as well as signing up for salsa lessons on a whim this morning. It turns out that the gym is kind of awesome? I never expected it, but it's the best.

Kulojam

@Dancercise Deciding to date guy I was on the fence about last week. He's great; I'm smiling because of him. Whate about you, Dancersize?

katiemcgillicuddy

@Dancercise To have another beer.

KeLynn

@Dancercise I bought a battery-heated vest so I can go skiing, hiking, etc. during the winter without bitching about dying of cold

area@twitter

@Dancercise Having baloney sandwiches for dinner all week. NO REGRETS

TinyNinjas

@Dancercise Went out for pizza last night and at a boatload of wings, pizza, and split a brownie with friends. After 3 workouts, it was well deserved girl time!

Dancercise

@Kulojam Buying giant pomegranates at the grocery store!

stonefruit

@Dancercise on Tuesday night I decided to make my own hazelnut butter. WINNING.

polka dots vs stripes

@Dancercise Bought a pair of teal-ish, blue-ish skinny jeans at Marshall's. Planning on wearing them all day every day.

professionalmess

@Dancercise I made waffles for lunch the other day and put peanut butter chips in one and it was so so good.

ImASadGiraffe

@Dancercise Making out with the cute boy from my gym. IT WAS THE BEST.

planforamiracle

@Dancercise going on a friend date to a free screening of HUGO at my neighbourhood rep cinema! it was in 3D! I loved it.

Brunhilde

@Dancercise I have only made poor decisions this week.

Snicker-snack!

@Dancercise Busting out the credit card so my bf and I could buy some life-improving Ikea stuff.

Faintly Macabre

@Dancercise Taking my sublet! The day after I told the lettor I'd take it, I found out I could live with a friend-of-a-family-friend for free until my real lease starts. Guilt ensued, but after 3 weeks of sleeping on couches, I'm so happy to have my own space!

plumb-bob

@Dancercise I quit my job. Uh-huh (uh-huh) uh-huh (uh-huh). Actually, I think that qualifies as the best decision I've made all year. Now I just have to decide what to do next. At the moment, finishing my proclaimers-inspired job-quitting song lyrics is top of the list.

anachronistique

@Dancercise Buying tentacle socks!

OwlOfDerision

@Dancercise Making friends with my new roommate's cat! She (the cat) LOVES me and likes to wake me up by licking my face.

leonstj

@anachronistique - Why does an octopus need hosiery?

Judith Slutler

@leon s Just think of the amounts of hosiery an octopus would need!

anniemal

@Dancercise Not contacting the ex I was supposed to see Louis CK with tonight. I really wanted to ask if he still had a spare ticket me for because Louis is THE BEST. Still incredibly bummed about not seeing Louis but at least I'll be avoiding awkwardness. Yay??

anachronistique

@leon s To keep their tentacles warm, duh.

Hellcat

@anniemal I commend your resolve on this matter! The lure of the Louis is a tough one to deny!

anniemal

@Hellcat Thank you!! I have been quietly simmering with rage (not at ex, but at missing Louis) all day, and sort of feel like the bratty little girl in Willy Wonka who is demanding a golden egg. "I want to see Louis and I want to see him now!"

Hellcat

@anniemal Anyone would feel that way about that Louis! If it makes you feel better, I think a bunch of his stuff is available at Netflix -- and George Carlin too!

I think my favorite thing Louis CK has ever said -- and I have no idea why this is so funny to me -- is, "Can I have raisins?!" while ranting about having to be nice to other people's kids when they come over to play.

anniemal

@Hellcat Sorry Hairpin if this is inappropriate but here's one of my favorites from Louis:

‘She’s an angel…and I want her to drown in my cum.’ That’s the closest we can get to a poetry in our hearts. We love you. We really do. We think you’re angels….and we want you to drown in our cum. We want to drench your angel wings that take you to heaven in our sticky, gooey, disgusting jism. That’s what we want. I’m sorry, that’s just the way we are.”

It's not that it's gross or cliche about men but the way he says it. It's like he's saying "I am trying, I am but this is all I got." Anyway George Carlin is someone I need to get more familiar with, thanks for the suggestion!

Lexa Lane

@Dancercise Inviting my work friend out for drinks and then coming home and making myself microwave brownie in a mug!!

Lexa Lane

@Dancercise Inviting my work friend out for drinks and then coming home and making myself microwave brownie in a mug!!

PistolPackinMama

@leon s Word. It totally is, isn't it? Weird. 45 minutes of time to just let your mind wander, listen to History of the World in 100 Objects podcasts, and get high from endorphins.

Also, dancing is so very much fun! And nice dudes who like salsa dancing are a precious contribution to the world. I hope you love it.

Cawendaw

@Dancercise Learned to play "Maybe This time" from Cabaret.

Hellcat

@anniemal Yes, check out George (RIP, we miss you!). Sometimes even just the faces he makes are enough to make me laugh for 20 minutes.

Maladydee

@Dancercise making spur of the moment plans with a friend I've been feeling kind of iffy about- we ended up having a lot of fun.

SarahP

BOSTON PEOPLE: Come to Heroes (80s New Wave/some pop [Robyn!]/some gothy music) at TT the Bear's in Central Square on Saturday night! I generally get there around 11 and will be dancing A LOT. Tomorrow I will post what I'm wearing so you can come up and introduce yourself if you don't know me.

Bittersweet

@SarahP Wow, that sounds amazing! I would so love to meet you too, which hasn't happened yet because I haven't managed to get to a Boston event in way too long I can't go this Saturday night (symphony tickets) but will keep it in mind for future fun-having. Is it every weekend?

SarahP

@Bittersweet It IS every weekend! I only make it about once a month, but I recommend checking it sometime out regardless of whether I'm there :)

SarahP

@SarahP In case anyone wants to come out, I'm wearing a black halter dress with small white polka dots and black off-brand converse. I might get there after 11, but I'll be there!

JessAndNo21

anyone have a baller recommendation for an undereye circle concealer? i think jaaaaaane said dermablend but that's kind of expensive? i am resigned to the fact that these gems are epically, epically unmovable/hereditary and can't seem to be vanquished.

Lisa Frank

@JessAndNo I think the most important thing is to find one that is peachy so that it balances out the blue tones of your under-eye circles. The Bobbi Brown concealer set is good.

stonefruit

@JessAndNo I recently learned that when people with allergies have those dark circles under their eyes, doctors call them "allergy shiners."

Allergy shiners!

Briar

@JessAndNo I've been using Makeup Forever's full cover concealer for quite a while now. You can also use a yellowish color corrector under regular concealer if you're a makeup adept.

lisma

@JessAndNo I have read a lot of things about the facial palettes from here: http://www.coastalscents.com/makeup/palettes/face-palettes.html
You get lots of different colors to help camouflage the redness/purpleness/whatever color you need to cover up.

New Hoarder

@JessAndNo I don't have major undereye circles, but I have noticed that as I get older, and also when I get less sleep (what, it's primetime TV season), my undereyes (?) look a bit dark. I actually have just been using ELF underye concealer, which I also use on spots. It's a dollar, isn't oily, and seems to work really well for me. I have fair skin with freckles and peachy undertones, and I use the little tube of apricot beige.

Hopefully something like that would work for you for a quick fix, but I personally can't recommend any more than that!

area@twitter

@JessAndNo I know that feel, friend. ::hugs:: My mom gave me a really nice concealer from Dior last year (the Skinflash radiance booster pen) but it is pretty expensive. :( (Thanks Mom!) Something that helps for me, too, is to use a very pale eyeshadow on my brow bone and at the corners of my eyes; that seems to lighten the whole eye area up and make those dark circles seem less glaring. (And I mean a really, really pale eyeshadow; the nice lady at Sephora put a silver-white shimmer on my admittedly fair skin and it worked like a charm.)

New Hoarder

@New Hoarder Sorry, can't do the fancy links! http://www.eyeslipsface.com/elf/face/concealer/tone_correcting_concealer

And I was wrong- this is just "concealer" and the actual "undereye concealer" is $3, and I wasn't as impressed with it!

New Hoarder

@area@twitter I have that pen, too (Dior makeup whore, here) and while it does a good job, the $1 ELF concealer actually works better for me! Who knew.

KeLynn

@JessAndNo - There's one by Maybelline called Instant Age Rewind that is SO GOOD. It's not technically a concealer, but it's an "under eye brightener" that is better than any concealer I have ever tried (and I have wasted a lot of money on that crap). And it somehow, miraculously, doesn't settle into fine lines (at least, not as much as other concealers). It comes in a hard plastic twist tube with a red band near the top and a fuzzy ball applicator.

New Hoarder

@New Hoarder Okay so that $3 one has some white stuff that does what area@twitter was saying. I just couldn't figure it out! =-/
http://www.eyeslipsface.com/studio/eyes/concealers_and_primers/under_eye_concealer_and_highlighter?wm_lpID=43965354&wm_ctID=366&wm_kwID=26604683&wm_mtID=1&wm_c

New Hoarder

@KeLynn Ahhh I have something similar- http://www.origins.com/product/3846/10999/Makeup/Daily-Essentials/Eyes/Eye-Brightening-Color-Stick/index.tmpl. That thing. Silvery white, and it really does make you look more awake. Just do not use if you plan on slathering your face in bronzer. I sure don't do that or anything.

area@twitter

@New Hoarder awesooooooooome! :D I'm looking for a good replacement for when the Dior pen finally runs out. Can't beat ELF.

Also, I linkified that awesome ELF stuff here. I <3 u, html tags.

lindsayishere

@JessAndNo ooh I have the hereditary ones too. Even in my portraits from when I was two and three years old, there they are, making me look sad and tired! It's really hard to find a concealer that a) lasts all day, b) doesn't make my not actually crinkly just dry-tending skin crinkly, and c) is fair enough. I've been using this one for a few months. It was good; I recommend it! Lasted reasonably long, non-drying, good shades. But I somehow lost it yesterday, so may go test some at Sephora tonight.

New Hoarder

@area@twitter I bow down to your internet capabilities and tools! My HTML "skill set" is probably circa 2000 (did it even exist then), and my office browser's from 2003 or so. YAY.

And then I am too tired and lazy to figure it out when I get home. =-D

Kulojam

@JessAndNo The Laura Mercier one is pretty damn amazing - the one that comes in a little pot with setting powder? It isn't cheap but lasts a really really long time and is a repeat buy for me despite its price. Also, the little concealer brush they recommend is really really breat and helps other concealers work better. here, the concealer and the brushes are in this kit: http://www.sephora.com/flawless-face-kit-P214230?skuId=1098789

anachronistique

@JessAndNo I really like the Benefit Erase Paste, which is notable because it stays on my greasy face and doesn't settle into lines. Expensive, but a few of their kits come with mini versions of one shade and those will last forevar.

Beaker

So a friend of mine posted a link to a tumblr on her facebook (http://mansplained.tumblr.com/)

And this is what a male peer of ours responded: "With out more context, a few of these stories don't appear to be sexist, but just a story of someone (not the submitter) who is just awkward or a jerk. For some stories, seen (or experienced) analogous things said between two guys."

Laughing/crying/totally not surprised.

RK Fire

@Beaker: The only appropriate response is to take a screenshot of the conversation and submit it to the tumblr.

all the kittens in the club gettin nipsy

@Beaker Someone should start a tumblr of men mansplaining how mansplaining is imaginary.

(Actually that tumblr probably exists already. As do all possible tumblrs that a mortal brain could ever conceive of.)

RK Fire

@all the kittens in the club gettin nipsy Jorge Luis Borges knew what he was about when he said in The Garden of Forking Paths:

This web of time -- the strands of which approach one another, bifurcate, intersect or ignore each other through the centuries -- embrace every possibility. Whether it is pictures of cats captioned with unusual versions of English, or the ability of a person to discover the latest exploits of a former lover, this garden is a monument to the absurdities and the follies of mankind.

My apologies to J.L. Borges, as I haven't read this story since I was a teenager..

Queen of Pickles

@all the kittens in the club gettin nipsy
One of my male friends mansplained mansplaining to me recently.

"There's this thing, it's called MANSPLAINING..."
"Oh, I know, I was reading this article abo-"
"And it's when MEN talk about things as if women don't understand them..."
"...Yes, I was just saying that I-"
"Wait, am I... am I..."
"Yes."

adorable-eggplant

@all the kittens in the club gettin nipsy It's like a line from an updated beatles song: "There's nothing that can tumble that hasn't been tubmlred."

RK Fire

@RK Fire: I should've added that once it gets posted, you should post a link to the screenshot on the status message.

MEMECEPTION

polka dots vs stripes

Reasons I love my boyfriend: He sent the mansplaining Paul Ryan tumblr to his mother, but asked me to define mansplaining to him so he could make sure to explain it to her properly.

I agree with RK Fire's response wholeheartedly.

all the kittens in the club gettin nipsy

@RK Fire I prefer to think of it as an in-process scale model of the many-worlds hypothesis.

Miss Maszkerádi

@Beaker Meh, I personally dislike the term "mansplaining." I feel like in 99% of cases one could describe the situation equally well by saying "being condescending" or "patronizing", which have the bonuses of (a) being actual words and (b) not as prone to ascribing a person's rude behavior to their gender.

geek_tragedy

@Queen of Pickles

Your friend sounds almost self-aware, for a mansplainer, I mean.

VDRE

@Beaker Yeah one of my fb friends posted this and all these guys I kind of know were like "the most sexist thing about this tumblr is all of these women that automatically assume that those guys were talking down to them because they're women" and I wanted to say "no the most sexist thing is you" but I don't know them well and it would have been awkward :(

entangled

@CountessMaritza You sound like my husband. I see all these horrible examples of men being very clearly sexist in their patronizing behavior and he doesn't shrug it off, but he HATES the term (granted, he hates all portmanteau words and that's part of it). But he also feels like it's overascribing to gender... and I don't know. I think he's not checking his privilege enough but I also feel like I don't really get mansplained to much (I am loud and impolite and quick on the verbal draw so I tend to cut off guys before they really get started). I also have a tendency to lecture him about things he already knows in an unnecessarily condescending way. Which I'm working on, but anyway. Point being - I'd like some sort of definition/reasoning I can point to besides a bunch of anecdotes from people he doesn't know because I do think a lot of guys have issues taking female intelligence and women's points of view seriously.

area@twitter

@entangled @CountessMaritza I'd have trouble giving "mansplaining" up totally, but I like the alternate term "condesplaining"- I think it's more broadly applicable.

Jane Err

I needed this week to be over so badly. Fall is in full swing and I want to spend my day doing fall things like knitting and nothing.

I started my blog back up again this week, and I feel an intense self-inflicted pressure to maintain it this time. We'll see!

Also, I have not heard back from my PinPal in months. :(

Lit Drunkard

@Jane Err I hear you! Fall should be spent doing appropriate activities, not working in front of a computer. Bah.

Good luck on getting your blog restarted- I am trying to maintain one myself, so if you need commiseration, I have it!

Jane Err

@Lit Drunkard What kind of blog do you have? I'll share if you do!

adorable-eggplant

@Jane Err Ooo guys, I haven't posted on my blog since september, and now I'm feeling guilty!

Lit Drunkard

@Jane Err I'm trying to write more essays, and to take my poetry more seriously (applying for grad school, and I've written for the Rumpus) in an adult like fashion. It's not going well. Perhaps I'll just revert to my Tumblr and continue posting pictures of seals.
http://brynndowning.squarespace.com/

Jane Err

@adorable-eggplant Don't feel too guilty! I hadn't touched mine in a year. So now I'm doing a kind-of overhaul.

@Lit Drunkard I also resort to re-blogging pretty pictures on Tumblr way too often. It's so much easier. And then two hours go by and I feel ill. But all the pictures of people holding hot mugs of tea!!

www.thisisunnecessary.wordpress.com

Lit Drunkard

@Jane Err Exactly! And pictures of boots! And scarves! It's fall! I have to burrow now!

Cat named Virtute

@Lit Drunkard I love The Rumpus! I googled, but I couldn't find your thing there. Link? I wonder if I've read it.

Lit Drunkard

@Cat named Virtute it hasn't posted yet (next week! eek)- it'll be a poetry review on "the Girls of Peculiar", I'm working on another one now (slowly. so slowly). I'm excited- but really nervous, which is weird, since they already have it. Not like I can change it

Cat named Virtute

@Lit Drunkard I'll keep an eye out; can't wait! I'm sure it's excellent.

()
()

@Lit Drunkard

I'll keep an eye out for it!

Everyone, go read yourselves some Catherine Pierce!

"Want is ten thousand blue feathers falling/all around me, and me unable to stomach/that I might catch five but never ten thousand." - Catherine Pierce, Because I’ll Never Swim in Every Ocean

Lit Drunkard

@Cat named Virtute aw shucks, thank you!

Lit Drunkard

I went to the Lord Huron show last night and met a guy who seems nice and has good taste in music and beer, and said he wanted to hang out. He also thought I was 5'7" (I'm 5'2") so clearly his depth perception is off, but he seemed otherwise pretty compatible. I'm probably overthinking this (and getting overworked over a small event- yay OCD!) but it’s been a long, kind of shitty week, in a long, kind of shitty month, and it’s been a looong time since I had a guy interested in me.

Otherwise I plan on spending this weekend baking cookies, reading and procrastinating on my grad school apps.

how about you o 'Pinners?

olivebee

@Lit Drunkard Did you exchange numbers so you guys can hang out? If so, woo! Hope it goes well!

Also, too bad you can't mail me some of those cookies, because I haven't had dessert in the house for two weeks, and I am going nuts.

Lit Drunkard

@olivebee we did exchange numbers! I'm trying to remind myself that I can call him first, but I'm gonna wait a day and see. Thank you!

I'd be up for mailing cookies- I never heard from my pin pal, and I have so much-stress baking/cooking to give!

I don't keep dessert in the house for that reason. Well, that and I have limited self control.

olivebee

Can we talk about the Project Runway finale?? SPOILERS AHEAD!

I really liked Dmitry throughout the season, and I think he is an excellent designer, and I am happy for him for winning. BUT I am absolutely heartbroken for Fabio! I don't think I have ever loved a PR contestant in all 10 seasons as much as I love Fabio. Not necessarily his designs, but his personality. He must seriously be the kindest human being on the planet and has such a lovely spirit. Plus, I thought his final collection (thought not stuff I would personally wear), was the most unique and fresh and the most like a fashion show. Anyways. It was a good season.

Scandyhoovian

@olivebee I kind of loved Dmitry, honestly. I came to call him "Fashion Snape," because I can't NOT nickname people on reality shows, apparently. I'm still mad he lost the Rockettes challenge. Total disagree there.

And YES, this season was fantastic. One of the better ones, I'd say. I don't know that I'd buy it on DVD, though (I TOTALLY OWN THE ONE WITH SANTINO).

terrific

@olivebee I don't know why I disagree with everyone, but I never had any strong feelings AT ALL for Fabio. I thought he was interesting, I guess, but thought most of his clothes were completely not up my alley. Dmitry, though... Dmitry I ADORED. Honestly, I thought the win was gonna go to blandino Christopher no matter what, so I'm just happy it didn't.

thebestjasmine

@olivebee I adored Fabio by the end of last night too. And while I found Dmitry a hoot, I thought his clothes throughout the season were either borderline tacky or totally tacky, and his collection was just terrible. I am so confused that he won. I mean, I didn't think that any of the final collections were great, so I'm not outraged like when Gretchen won, but it was confusing. I'm hoping for all the best for Fabio!

yeah-elle

@olivebee I loved Fabio too. Ugh, it was like he just radiated his gentle, sweet, kind self out of his face. His designs were not necessarily up my alley, but he had a well-defined style and I agree with you, his collection was more a show than any of the others.

alannaofdoom

@olivebee - So, when Dmitry would say Elena's name it would sound very close to my name. For weeks it was like that sales technique where they just repeat your name every sentence. IT WORKS. Guys, I'm pretty sure I love Dmitry.

(Slightly more) seriously though, Fabio was my favorite *person* but Dmitry was my favorite designer.

BUT can we talk about how, over the course of the season, Gunnar and Christopher basically switched personalities? Episode-1-Gunnar was trying sooooo hard to be catty and just being *mean* to everyone, while Christopher was cheeky and snarky and fun. I turned around on Gunnar when he was so kind to the "real people" in those challenges. And in this episode Christopher was a whiny, petulant little brat. "They act like they're doing me a favor pushing me forward." BECAUSE THEY ARE. YOU ARE COMPETING FOR A PRIZE THAT YOU HAVE TO EARN, NOT SOMETHING YOU'RE ENTITLED TO BECAUSE YOU HAD A FEW GOOD CHALLENGES. Ugh. Pull it together man.

Hellcat

@Scandyhoovian ME TOO (regarding Santino)! I loved him and his song stylings so much.

Megasus

@Hellcat I am convinced that Dmitry is Dracula, and his trio of beautiful blondes who came to the show DID NOT HELP THIS THEORY AT ALL.
Also it perfectly explains why he tends to style really matronly.

PatatasBravas

@olivebee Haha I loved Fabio as a person throughout the show, but when he did the fashion week show, that was the first time that I was like Ahhhhhh okay, this is fun and interesting and beautiful. I was glad that Dmitry won, though. It felt like Fabio had a huge breakthrough during the finale episodes, and I'm sure his career will get a boost for it. But Dmitry's work had been more consistently high-quality/interesting/beautiful/whatever my matronly taste is?

Megasus

@PatatasBravas Oh I like Dmitry's designs. It's not his designs that are matronly, it's how he accessorized them and paired them together!

dale

This week was dreadful! Or, at least the at-work parts, where I was inundated with questions from people who should already know how to do things properly.

Also I can't figure out how to thread my serger properly (in my defense, I've never touched one before) or if it's just in need of a servicing. The drawing in the manual and on the machine itself are TERRIBLE for showing you where the thread should go. Maybe I'll win the lottery tonight & can just buy myself a self-threading one.

sarah girl

@dale Youtube has absolutely everything - might it have a tutorial for threading your serger, or a similar one?

bitchycrosstownexpress

@dale I had to wait until my mom visited me to get my sewing machine threaded properly. Turns out I was putting the bobbin thread through a big hole (that the picture seemed to be pointing to) when it really needed to go in the tiny slit next to it.

Also I spent my week rescuing coworkers from themselves, so I feel you on both counts.

Tuna Surprise

@dale
Ooo, youtube ususally has great videos on this kind of stuff. Search your make/model and see what comes up! It's so much easier to watch someone else do it!

dale

@all you are Very Wise. I did not think of YouTube. Maybe I'll give that a try tonight & that will help me figure out if I need a servicing (tension seems to be off on one of the threads as it keeps breaking, and I'm getting knots a-plenty).

VolcanoMouse

@dale Oh, dawg, man, sergers. A sewing studio (now closed) near me offered 'give me $15 and we will give you an hour of instruction on whatever you need' evenings. I am STILL kicking myself for not bringing along my serger and paying someone in person to show me how to thread it.

dale

@VolcanoMouse There's something like that a suburb or two away from me - though it's more expensive - and I keep thinking I should go, and then forget. I don't understand why the diagrams have to be so terrible, though. If someone has drawn this by hand, why not draw it larger-scale? Or enlarge what they did, and maybe colour-code the thread on its path? THIS IS NOT BRAIN SURGERY, SEWING MACHINE MANUFACTURERS. Actually, if it was, there would probably be better diagrams.

allofthewine

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY ALLOWANCE?

Danzig!

@allofthewine buy a phonograph and some vinyl

withatwist

@allofthewine Save it!
But I also want to see good ideas of what I could be spending my money on.
Communal bargain bin time?

RK Fire

@allofthewine: Buy nice underwear? You can never go wrong or have too much underwear.*

*this is probably untrue

Danzig!

@allofthewine get one of these http://www.amazon.com/Halogen-Infrared-Convection-Countertop-extender/dp/B00573VYZ0/ref=pd_bxgy_k_text_y

frigwiggin

@allofthewine Buy those orange loafers from the first-phone-photos comments because I can't/shouldn't!

adorable-eggplant

@allofthewine I'm a little obsessed with Kron by Kronkron, this dress in particular: http://www.kronkron.com/index.php?acao=itemDetail&type=&brand=53&item=3186

Blushingflwr

@allofthewine contribute to Jane's honeymoon fund.

OwlOfDerision

@Danzig! Wax cylinders are where it's at now.

christonacracker

I got my hair cut yesterday and giggled throughout the whole shampoo process trying to imagine it as sexy-shampoo time.

Passion Fruit

@christonacracker I'm going to get my hair done today! I am pretty confident that the shampoo person will be making a pass at me -- I mean, why would they be rubbing my scalp like that?

Seduction, that's why.

allofthewine

@Passion Fruit SEXUAL FEELINGS is why

MilesofMountains

@christonacracker My hairdresser is my boyfriend's sister. I don't even know how I'm going to handle the shampooing next time I go for a cut.

Passion Fruit

@MilesofMountains "How dare you! I'm dating your brother!" she hissed, hair sopping wet, smock all asunder.

chevyvan

@christonacracker I had my haircut this week too and was hoping for a mind-blowingly sensual shampoo, but it was just a regular really nice shampoo. My stylist is adorable and straight but not my type. He does give fantastic blowouts (that sounded really sexual, but it's not. I swear!) that are so relaxing and we have a deal that if I win the lottery I'll hire him as my personal stylist and he'll just blow dry my hair every morning and then he can lounge by the pool for the rest of the day.

Summer Somewhere

@christonacracker OH my god, I did the same thing!

frenz.lo

@christonacracker It was too late for me to respond relevantly to that post, but I'll respond to yours. Not trying to brag too much guys, but I'm a professional shampooer. (Ideally not forever, but now, the bulk of my job duties involve shampooing and similar services.)
Anyway, people get REALLY into their shampoos. People moan, gasp audibly, hum involuntarily, compulsively lick their lips, and say things like, "That was amazing!" or "Can I take you home?" after I'm done. "You have magic fingers," they say.
I don't want to bone pretty much any of them. It turns out it just feels good to get your head rubbed.

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@christonacracker I have had all those things said to me as a shampoo girl too.

Cat named Virtute

I finally made in time for an open thread! Today was a half-day with work, I found my missing headphones, I got a letter from a friend, and tomorrow I get to hang out with Ladyfriend all day. We're going to see Rae Spoon and I'm meeting some of her friends. Yay weekend.

Also I have a job interview on Tuesday and I am nerrrrvous. If I get it I'll be able to keep my existing awesome bookstore job, but also make MUCH more money working half-time as a library assistant. Things I need to do before then:

-buy a blazer! Canadian 'Pinners, any leads on where I could get a cheapish blazer I could wear with a purple-y grey pencil skirt and black blouse/shoes/hose?

-practice interview questions because it's been a million years since I've actually had one and I SUCK at them. Librarians, what do you tend to ask your potential circ/ref assistants that I should prep for in addition to the normal stuff?

-figure out a good way of addressing my unfinished MLIS that isn't "I was super depressed and broke and had a crisis of confidence about whether I actually want to do this." I'll probably just go with financial reasons, but any brilliant insights here?

Cross your fingers for me! This job would make things in my life SO MUCH EASIER.

redheaded&crazy

@Cat named Virtute blazer: Smartset?

The Lady of Shalott

@Cat named Virtute RW&Co?

lora.bee

@Cat named Virtute Good luck!! H&M has cheap blazers?

MilesofMountains

@Cat named Virtute There was the prettiest blue blazer in the world at GAP last time I was there. So pretty. It was too short for my torso, but maybe it'll work for you? Also, Jacob has some under $100 blazers

MilesofMountains

@MilesofMountains ooo, Jacob has a green blazer on their website for $50, or a navy blue pin striped one for $45

phlox

@Cat named Virtute As I recall we mostly asked basic interview questions (strengths, weaknesses, how you deal with coworkers) and then some situational stuff- how do you deal when it's busy, how to address privacy concerns, how to deal with difficult patrons, how to do a proper reference interview, stuff like that.

As for the unfinished degree, "Circumstances in my personal life don't allow me to continue the program right now." They really shouldn't ask more than that, and that answer could indicate anything from mental or physical health to money issues, or whatever. You could also add that you hope to go back and finish, if that is true.

geek_tragedy

@Cat named Virtute

I've had great blazer luck at Value Village! Especially the one at Bloor and Lansdowne (if you're in Toronto, that is.)

Also, Rae Spoon is great!

Cat named Virtute

Thanks all! Excellent suggestions. I'm gonna check out that cute blue Gap blazer, that sounds perfect!

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@Cat named Virtute Ahhhh have so much fun at Rae Spoon!

Cat named Virtute

Thanks everyone! The interview went okay, I think. I was a bit hesitant on a couple of questions (whyyy did I forget to prepare for a question about a time I made a mistake! ugh, but I winged it decently), and my answers about my reference philosophy and multitasking were good I think. And I was able to borrow a snazzy green blazer, though I will probably be investing in one from one of your suggestions anyhow.

And @Kira-Lynn, Rae Spoon was GREAT. To quote my friend, "More like Rae SWOON, amirite?" They were so nervous but so charming and adorable and I got to talk to them afterward and they signed my cd!

Scandyhoovian

My RSVP-by date was this past Wednesday and I have tracked down my entire guest list minus three people. Two of them are parents of another guest who is confirmed attending so I have asked him to confirm their attendance or non-attendance, but the last is someone who sort of falls into that group of "Friends close enough that you should expect they would be at your wedding barring death or severe illness," except that she hasn't responded to anything I've sent her in the last two weeks? I am suspecting she can't make it but feels terrible and doesn't want to have the conversation, but I just... I will totally understand if she can't make it, I just want her to TELL ME so I have an accurate head count. I feel that the outreach I have made thus far for an answer is sufficient and if I start asking again, I might cross into "obnoxious badger" territory. What would you guys suggest? Count her as a "no" and just leave her alone? Count her as a "yes" just in case? Arggggghhhhh.

Also, any suggestions for bouquet toss music that isn't "Single Ladies"? Everything I come up with might read like "my single friends are desperate and/or I am a mean person" ("Help!" and "Jump Around", so far).

Also, I know I said this a few months ago when I first heard it, but Tori Amos's "Night of Hunters"? IS THE VERY GREATEST.

Bittersweet

@Scandyhoovian "Jump Around" is an awesome choice for a bouquet toss song.

I had something similar happen for my wedding, when a close college friend never RSVP'd despite numerous attempts at contact. He actually went dark for 16 years after that, until earlier this year when he friended me on Facebook out of the blue. If you've tried several times to get a response, chalk her up as a "no" and move on.

Yay, your wedding is coming up! So exciting.

Baby Fish Mouth

@Scandyhoovian If you generally enjoy Beyonce, let me recommend "Diva" as an alternative.

New Commenter Name

@Scandyhoovian
I feel your pain re the RSVPs. I've been married a long time but still remember the frustration of trying to get a definite YES or NO from some invited guests.
(public service announcement) Pinners: please be sure to always send your response card!

thebestjasmine

@Scandyhoovian No song. No bouquet toss. Easy! There is a reason that all of the songs come off like that, the whole bouquet toss does.

And yeah, I'd mark her down as a no, especially if she has to travel, because if she does she'd have already bought a ticket. If not, that's just weird.

Ellie

@thebestjasmine Nooo the bouquet toss is fun! I think it's a fun performative gender thing. Nobody HAS to anyway (more of a chance for me . . . but based on my experience the bride's little sister always catches it, anyway)

Baby Fish Mouth

@thebestjasmine I like your advice better than mine. I don't remember why I decided to do one because I initially did not want to but I think my five bridesmaids (4 were sisters) insisted that they wanted one so I didn't have any weird feelings about it being a judgment on them.

Also - I'm still horrible at RSVPs even though I swore I'd be better after my wedding but what I'm still bitter about is the people who RSVP'd and then didn't show up.

thebestjasmine

@Ellie To me, the only thing worse than the bouquet toss is the garter toss (especially when the groom takes it off the bride in public, ew ew ew). There is so much gendered nonsense at weddings, and I love weddings! I don't think I've ever thought there was such a thing as a fun performative gender thing, and I'm a lady who loves all of the general lady trappings like makeup and dresses.

Scandyhoovian

Well, I've already decided to DO the wedding toss, so nixing it isn't going to happen at this point. If someone doesn't want to participate in it they don't have to get up for that part.

She IS long distance, though, so I'm inclined to just write her down as a "no" and move on with it. I just feel like if I resign myself to doing that she'll show up and not have a seat. Just my kind of luck!

etheline.

@Scandyhoovian I so hope the same doesn't happen to you, but that reminded me that in planning my Sept. 1 wedding, I got a reply from someone I would put in the "friends close enough that you should expect they would be at your wedding barring death or severe illness" and ... she included a very curt note informing me she would not be attending, due to "personal reasons." The hell? I never found out what those reasons were, despite numerous attempts at contact, and then never heard from her again. After being bummed about it for a few days, it dawned on me to focus on the people who WERE happy to be attending, but it was still bizarre. Weddings, man. They bring out some not-awesome dynamics. (Oh, and as a point of reference: another mutual friend ended up dropping this girl after being so appalled she ditched it with no real reason, so I don't think it was crazy?)
I guess what I mean is ... there are people who will break your heart in the way they don't share in the happy moments, but you'll be blown away by how genuinely touched people are to share in your memories.

Charismatic Megafauna

@Scandyhoovian

I got married not long after moving to the place where I now live, and not having a lot of local friends, all our guests had to travel. Made it a small wedding, but all the nicer for the effort and expense people took - that's some serious friendship.

Anyhow, one of my dearest friends visited about 2 months before the wedding to hang out, do some wedding-planning stuff, get to know my fiance, etc. It was okay, but actually my fiance and I fought like terrible, bratty, horrible, whiny, immature people the whole time. It was really shameful. (I am/was ashamed of our behavior. Just stressy acting out, I guess.)

Anyhow, when RSVP time came, radio silence from my friend. We had not even thought twice about her coming, it was just assumed. But a few days after the deadline, we got a very brief note. "I'm sorry I'll be unable to make it to your wedding. Best of luck always." Shocking!

But, I immediately knew she had serious reservations about our relationship - well-founded - and this was her most polite way of saying that she couldn't in good conscience attend and "support" our marriage which, after all, is the thing you are asking guests to do!

About a year went by, and we went back to the old home town and had a visit. No hard feelings. It wasn't the end of our friendship. In fact, deep down, it was a loving, respectful thing to do. My husband and I are still happily married, and my friendship is as good as you could want with many years and miles between us.

I guess this story is just to say - there may be some hard-to-express reasons why your friend is unable to attend, but try not to take it as a personal affront or insult. It's probably harder for her than it is for you, so play it cool, and you may ultimately find you have a great, lifelong friendship.

Bittersweet

@thebestjasmine The best garter toss story happened at the wedding of my husband's best friend from high school. She was marrying a guy with a whole posse of frat brothers, most of whom (at the time) were recalcitrant bachelors. Among the PG-rated bachelor party gifts were a pool skimmer and a giant Mr. Potato Head.

When it came time for the garter toss, the groom had to drag his buddies out to the dance floor and make them stay there. One of them brought the pool skimmer. When the groom threw the garter, it landed on the floor because all the guys moved away. Then guy with pool skimmer brought it down on the garter, started shuffling it around the floor, and voila! Garter hockey.

anachronistique

@thebestjasmine Oh god, at the last wedding I went to they did the awful thing where the dude who catches the garter is supposed to put it on the lady who caught the bouquet, and she was having none. of. it. Like, crossed her legs under herself and tucked her dress under them on the chair. I was kind of impressed that she just refused to participate.

frenz.lo

@Scandyhoovian My now-husband and I asked a friend who had moved to a far-off state to officiate our wedding, and offered to pay her airfare for the trip if she was willing to do it. She responded enthusiastically that she'd love to, and it was so nice of us to pay, because it meant that she'd be able to afford to bring her husband, too. Since she was involved a lot in the planning (from a distance), we never got a formal RSVP, so we marked her and the husband down as yeses. It was only when we were doing some final logistics a couple of days before the wedding and she mentioned when she'd be coming in, I asked something about her husband, and she said, "Oh, he's not coming."
And then another person cancelled extremely last minute, so we "waved in" a couple of friends who had become closer to us since we'd originally made the guest list, and it was fine.
Put her as a "no," is my point, because although there is some tiny chance she may show up and have no seat, there is a very great chance that somebody is going to no-show on a yes RSVP, or cancel last minute.

TheLetterL

@Scandyhoovian No new advice re: your friend, and I know what you meant by this phrase, but I like the idea of an Obnoxious Badger...it's like the opposite of the Honey Badger: He gives too many shits!

For the bouquet toss, my advice as a bouquet toss hater (but DO YOU) is go with something like a generic drumroll or something kind of retro-campy and wink-wink, like "Going to the Chapel."

harebell

@Ellie
You say this, but I have memories of hiding in the bathroom with the sole other single lady at a wedding where single ladies were apparently in shortage, and hearing both of our names *paged*! over the microphone! for the bouquet toss.
[Of course no Pinner would do that at their wedding, but it was still pretty awful! Eventually they held the bouquet toss without us and one of the girl children caught it].

This is my new username

@Scandyhoovian Awwww I also like Bouquet/garter tosses! Especially now, because they have a special place in my heart. My boyfriend and I caught the bouquet AND the garter at a wedding and then the next day he pulled out the ring he had been carrying around on our trip for that wedding and proposed and it was this lovely, weird story for us. I also had made a rather flippant comment earlier that night at the wedding about how I probably would not catch the bouquet because I had no intentions of being an elbows out fight for it, which was also kind of funny in the end.

lynzillla

@Scandyhoovian I did mine to Milkshake http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGL2rytTraA

phlox

@Scandyhoovian My cousin didn't have a song for the bouquet toss, but it was the least embarrassing bouquet toss ever - every unmarried lady there, from my four-year-old cousin through to my uncle's 50-ish lady-friend, had to get in the group, and after someone caught it, the bouquet was taken apart and everyone got a flower. (It was all gerbera daisies so they looked cool on their own.)

Daisy Razor

I went to New York Comic Con last weekend. I had fun, but I would not recommend it if you have a fear of crowds/packed rooms (WHICH I DO).

Danzig!

@Daisy Razor Oof. Yeah, I dislike cons. And rush hour subway trains :(

Biketastrophy

@Daisy Razor Get any good swag/comicon exclusive items?

Daisy Razor

@Biketastrophy No, because both times I walked the floor, I was afraid I was going to be trampled to death.

There was definitely also a lot less free stuff than the last con I went to (SDCC 4 years ago)

Megasus

@Daisy Razor Yeah, FanExpo was like this for every day but the first day, pretty much. The main plus side to having a press pass was being able to ask security to cut through a roped off area, lol.

Danzig!

@Daisy Razor The proliferation of fuckoff huge superhero movies and blockbuster video games have more or less ruined cons. imo, of course.

Daisy Razor

@Danzig! Eh, as someone who rediscovered comics and cons through fuckoff huge superhero movies, I can't say I really agree. I'd rather organizers either planned a little better or sold slightly fewer tickets.

Summer Somewhere

@Daisy Razor Oh no! I wanted to go to that next year. It seems like a lot of my favorite comics artists that used to show up to my favorite small-press show (Stumptown in Portland) go to NYCC now. I also have a fear of crowds, so I guess that's a no-go.

I don't understand in general why so many nerds swarm on events like comic conventions and PAX. Aren't we supposed to be a socially anxious bunch? D:

t-square

I have been waiting all week for this so I could tell you all that last weekend I went to the fancy bra store and a lady looked at the old VS t-shirt bra I was wearing and then brought me all the fancy bras to try on, and IT REALLY DOES MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE! I was wearing 34A bras because I have always had little boobs, and now I am wearing 34Cs and they are about one million times more comfortable and even slightly more flattering, I think! Everyone should go!

dale

@t-square Agreed! My trip to La Senza was very helpful too.

Girl Named Jack

@t-square Last week I bought myself a push-up underwire bra for the first time in forever, since I was going to a wedding and wearing a wrap dress. Made such an enormous difference. Uh, literally? Honestly, I have never gotten so many compliments on my appearance in my life, including at my own wedding.

breakfast ambassador

@t-square I did the same thing last Friday at Nordstrom! I had the exact same experience size wise (who knew I was a 34C?) and have been trying hard to keep my bra-related excitement to myself. There isn't a shirt/dress I wore this week that didn't look more awesome on me than it did before. Magic!

Summer Somewhere

@t-square I spent $98 on an amazing bra last weekend and I have no regrets. There is no item of clothing that feels so glorious to me as a good-fitting bra.

Megasus

@t-square Anyone know a good shop in Toronto that does fittings and has like, reasonably priced bras? (I can afford a $50 or $60 one, but probably not a $100)

baked bean

@t-square Dude me too. I realized I'm not a 34A at all, but probably like a 34B or 32C. My boobs were being so squished in that 34A. But the cheap bra I got in 34B doesn't fit quite right :(. I need to go to an expensive bra store and get some shit made for my boob shape.

This is my new username

@t-square Oh man, a good fitting bra is so awesome isn't it? I did not go for a fancy fitting, but I did decide to go bra shopping and try on basically allllllllll the sizes, after reading a ton of stuff about proper fitting bras on the interwebs. I ended up going from a 32B to a 32D which was crazy pants in my mind. I have always thought of myself as being rather small boobed, so this discovery blew my mind a tad. But the bras I bought in that size are so much more comfortable and I look so much better!

garli

It's beer fest at a park with in stumbling distance to my house tomorrow.I am stupid excited to drink too much beer and walk home and maybe stay away and watch a meteor shower and talk about THINGS IN LIFE. (That's how I do when it's late and I'm drunk.)

Cat named Virtute

Oh, also. I got my haircut this week, and it's not what I asked for at all, and while it's not objectively hideous, I HATE it. What's the protocol on dealing with this with my hairdresser? I've seen her three times and am usually happy with her work. Can I call her and ask her to fix it (haircut was three days ago)? Should I mention it next time I see her? Should I just stop seeing her? I got spoiled getting perfect haircuts from my former roommate, and now I don't actually know how to deal with hair stuff at alllll.

allofthewine

@Cat named Virtute You can totally call her up and say, "You know, I tried to give this cut a chance, but it's really not working for me. Do you have time Saturday to fix it?" Since you're a loyal customer, it's in her best interest to keep you happy.

Summer Somewhere

@allofthewine I have done this, and it works.

Faintly Macabre

@Cat named Virtute Yup, tell them! When I got my hair trimmed/cut 2 months after my first haircut with a guy, he asked how I'd liked the first one. I told him I mostly really liked it but had trimmed/layered some of the front myself a few days later. (I have very unpredictable curly hair.) He was apologetic and said that I should have called and come in so he could get it right. It seems like this is pretty standard practice for decent hairdressers; people probably just don't take advantage of it much because it's kind of awkward.

frenz.lo

@Cat named Virtute Yep, you can call, and your hairdresser will fix it. Be prepared to be very specific about what you hate in the cut, and be willing to hear it if they tell you that what you want it to look like is not going to be possible until it grows a little more (or whatever.)

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@Cat named Virtute They should fix it for free. Maybe not on a Saturday. Also, have you tried styling it differently?

Cat named Virtute

Thanks guys! Have an appointment today at four. I'm assuming tipping is appropriate here? I normally tip $10 on a $35 haircut; should I do the same in this case? #badatbeingagrownuplady

I think I am going to ask for BANGS. This is either going to be awesome or terrible, but I'm excited.

lisma

A few weeks ago I asked if 'Pinners could share Long Distance Relationship Success Stories. Now, I have to ask you to share stories of people who are still really in love breaking up and it working out later. Please help, because my heart is just all broken up.

Alternatively, please share stories of how it all gets better with time.

Alternatively, please shares stories of how you don't break up if you're still in love. (Or not. That would make me sad.)

JadedStone

@lisma Aw girl.

watch this: http://youtu.be/Q0h0a27_jPQ

Kulojam

@lisma Oh, hon, it does get better with time, I promise. Everyone says that and it doesn't really help in the moment, but just try to have some faith in the certainty that you WILL feel better eventually. I don't have any particularly inspiring stories to share, just plenty of devastating breakups that left me shattered. But I have always, always been able to put myself back together with the help good friends who are willing listen to lots of heartache talk, running & yoga to get me out of my head, and plenty of staying busy busy busy. You'll get to a happier place, and that may be in your relationship or not - but you will be healed, this i promise.

Angry Panda

@lisma Awww, I am so sorry. I am in the same boat, so I have no story for you. But things will get better for both of us, one way or another. Hugs!

chevyvan

@lisma Oh, baby girl, I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself. Say what you need to say to him. But prepare yourself to move on. You don't have to move on right away. Think about him, dissect your relationship, talk it over with friends and family, listen to Joni Mitchell's A Case of You on repeat, feel magnanimous one day, angry and resentful then next day, take up running.

This too shall pass.

lisma

@chevyvan I totally feel magnanimous and then right over to feeling so mad and hurt. SO many feelings all of the time and it's exhausting. I feel totally despondent then kind of hopeful, then grossed out by the thought of us moving on and apart from each other. And any time someone is nice to me (like this thread!) I feel like crying.

realtalk

@lisma My parents fell in love when they were 19. At the end of college (3 years later) they broke up - they needed room to grow up without each other for a little bit - and then two years later (25) they got back together, and they've been together ever since. This year is their 25th wedding anniversary. So it CAN work out.

But the other thing to keep in mind is that YOU WILL BE OKAY, WITH OR WITHOUT HIM. Seriously. I promise it hurts less. My guy and I parted ways in May, after two years together (9 months long distance). He was my best friend, and I really thought he was a forever thing? And I still love him, and I probably will for a long time, and I still have these moments where I just physically miss him so much I can't breathe or I'll start to cry. But they're fewer and farther between. And I'm getting more perspective on the ways in which we were good for each other and the ways in which we weren't great for each other. Long distance makes the breakup easier, I think, because it puts so much strain on your relationship that all the weak parts just fall apart completely, and your insecurities and his insecurities become vaaaastly magnified.

anyway that was all very pessimistic? I'm not having a great week with it, to be honest with you - I asked him not to contact me when we broke up in May, and I just reached out to him again like a week ago, so now we're sort of feeling our way into friendship again, slowly/painfully, but I know we're heading in the right direction, and I'm feeling more grounded in myself than I have for a year, really.

I'm very much still trying to figure a lot of this out, so if you process by talking and discussion (because clearly I do, oy vey), I'd love to email with you about it? My anonymous internet email is realtalk.hairpin at gmail. Sending you all the love. Feel all your feelings and be gentle with yourself, ok?

255
255

@lisma I am with you in the same boat. Sigh. We'll be ok.

I have gone back to boxing and that has been the only thing that helps with the pain. Yoga does not work for my pain.

In my situation it was totally right that we broke up, but I am in love with him, even though he is controlling and probably betrayed me. So I have this love for what amazing things we had and what he gave me at a time in my life that comes along only once or twice kind of lifebreak, and the pain of him being an ass.

PatatasBravas

@lisma

1. My bff and her darling bf broke up while still in love, because they figured the long-distance thing was going to eat them alive. Then, the long-distance-not-together-thing ate them alive, so they are making long-distance work sans bitey heart feelings. They are together now. It has been two years I think?

2. It does get better with time. There are all sorts of silly formulas for how long you "get" to mourn a relationship, and none of them make any practical sense. Wade around in those feelings for a while, and one day, you'll just sort of sit up and realize that you're only up to your ankles in that sadness, instead of up to your neck. That is a good time to start splashing in that puddle, breaking it up, and then just do your own thing. It will get better. It will take time. For me, it also takes lots of upbeat jams and significant amounts of walking?

3. I am always dropping this comic, but srsly YOU'LL BE IN LOVE AGAIN IF YOU WANT TO, there's not just the one: http://what-if.xkcd.com/9/

Laughable Walrus

@lisma I broke up with a girl I was falling in love with in January because we didn't want to try to do long distance, and it was/is so hard! It didn't help that we talked all the time when she was abroad and then she had a serious, life-threatening health crisis this summer, so I never really got emotional distance. One thing that helped me pull myself together and start dating other people was realizing that I don't have to stop loving her as a person to be open to loving someone else. Thinking she's an incredible person and cherishing the great times we had together doesn't preclude feeling the same way about someone else.

Hope you're doing ok! It really WILL get better with time.

lisma

@realtalk totally emailed you.

JadedStone

OH GOOD. THE FOT.

This has not been a productive week y'all. NOT AT ALL.

Anywho. I'm making a halloween playlist! What is your FAV halloween song?

And... GO

Jane Err

@JadedStone Werewolf Barmitzvah by Tracy Jordan, even though I only know the one part because I'm pretty sure that's all that exists. BUT, this is where the best music site ever comes in handy:

Songza!

katiemcgillicuddy

@Jane Err Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.

tea sonata

@JadedStone For what it's worth, The Misfits do a great version of the Monster Mash.

miss buenos aires

@JadedStone

This one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h03QBNVwX8Q&feature=related

miss buenos aires

@miss buenos aires

Just kidding, this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XU-O_uoe1Ko

My husband has a Halloween playlist that has just about everything you could imagine on it. (This is the same husband who made a list of 150 Essential Horror Movies. October is his time.)

chevyvan

@JadedStone Every Day is Halloween by Ministry...from back when Ministry was a synth-pop band...so adorable.

Hellcat

@miss buenos aires I'd love to see his horror movie list, if that's possible!

miss buenos aires

@Hellcat

Sure thing! I linked it here last week so didn't want to overload, but here it is: 150 Essential Horror Movies.

Hellcat

@miss buenos aires Oh thank you! I must have missed that link, but thank you, thank you!

Katastrophe

@Jane Err AH - just had to log in to tell you that's absolutely my favorite Halloween song too. AND there's a full version. Mazel tov!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=A6V2oCX3Hn4

Jane Err

@Katastrophe

!!!!!!

Thank you! You're a dear!

Mingus_Thurber

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday and found out that not only is my cholesterol high and my vitamin D horribly low, but I'm also anemic. Which is weird, since I cook everything in iron skillets and eat tons of peas/beans/eggs, if not a lot of red meat. Oh, and I have a sinus infection.

So I ordered vitamin D caps and a multivitamin with iron online, and ate red meat for the first time in who knows how long today. IT WAS SO GOOD, Y'ALL. I'm cringing a little at how good it was.

Also, sinus infections suck. Mostly because, if you have one, you can only be up and mildly energetic for about an hour at a time. Then you have to get back under the covers with the cats and sleep for two hours. At least I had the day off today.

So that's going to be my weekend: hang out at home, take lots of Sudafed and Cipro, and pet my cats. Livin' high on the hog!

lisma

@Mingus_Thurber Add wine and that's what I'd like to do for the weekend! Instead, my parents, my cousin, and her two young children are staying with me for a night! In my studio! What am I thinking?

Don't feel guilty about how good the red meat tasted!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@Mingus_Thurber Aw, I'm also anemic and D deficient. High five. On the iron thing, I've been getting in the habit of making smoothies for breakfast using hemp protein powder. It has 40 percent of daily recommended iron. I mix it with nut milk, a ripe banana and cocoa powder and honey. I definitely notice a difference in how I feel.

tea sonata

@Mingus_Thurber + Archer and you've got yourself a fine looking weekend, there, Mingus.

New Hoarder

@Mingus_Thurber Pretty much every female I know from age 20+ is told during their annual check-up that they have high cholesterol and a Vitamin D deficiency, regardless of lifestyle, weight, family history, etc. The Vitamin D deficiency is the new normal because we all have indoor jobs now with like 3 days of vacation time, and I surmise the high cholesterol is because of cheese. No, I don't care if you're vegan, it's because of cheese.

Mingus_Thurber

@tea sonata I'm not proud.

Mingus_Thurber

@OhMyGoshYouGuys Does the hemp powder taste like socks? Could I cover it up with, say, peaches, since I don't like bananas? I'm not gonna lie: smoothies taste like defeat to me, since that's all I could eat after surgery. Howsumever, if it keeps me off of prenatal vites-with-iron, I could give it a go.

Amphora

@New Hoarder I would extend Vit. D deficiency to everyone in the northern hemisphere. And it's one of those vitamins you can't really overdose on, so taking vitamins is a safe option for just about all non-desert-dwelling peoples.

lemonadefish

@Mingus_Thurber
I have to take a double dose of iron supplements, in addition to cooking on iron and eating all the leafy greens. Do not feel bad about that.
I also have high cholesterol, which is in fact not the fault of cheese, but of candy (something about sugar & triglycerides...) Anyway, fish oil keeps that in check nicely. Just a thought... Hope your sinuses clear up!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@Mingus_Thurber hemp powder tastes a little "earthy" but I've seen it come in chocolate and berry flavors, which I haven't tried yet.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Why don't the bad guys from the future just shoot the people in the future and limit JGL's job to disposing the body??

I am too bothered by this.

Girl Named Jack

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Because in the future when someone is murdered, some kind of technobabble happens that alerts the police that a person was killed and tells them where it happened. There was precisely one line of narration about this, that I recall. You'd think they would've hammered this point home a bit more.

meetapossum

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Oh nooo I didn't even think of that. I was too busy being distracted by the weirdness of JGL's Bruce Willis makeup.

Girl Named Jack

@meetapossum THOSE EYEBROWS.

meetapossum

@Girl Named Jack The missing top lip!

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@meetapossum
Yes it was even weirder than I'd been warned!

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll
Also, my favorite part was the effort the filmmakers put into making the near future look kind of different but not too different. Like, the '70s didn't look that different from now.

I bet the sky will be clouded with little drones in 2044, though.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll
Okay this whole thread is now me talking to myself.

Girl Named Jack

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Yes! Chips. I knew it was some sort of tech-y thing. I just couldn't remember if it was chips or genes or some other macguffin.

Girl Named Jack

@Girl Named Jack You're talking to yourself, and I'm responding to a comment that's gone. We're quite a pair.

Audley

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll My big problem was with how they killed Bruce Willis's wife despite the fact that the whole reason they use the convoluted time-travel murder method is that you can't get away with murder in the future.

SarcasticFringehead

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll What happens if the future police find a body that JGL killed in the past/present and use future technology like, I don't know, dental records or something to identify it? Shouldn't they send it to the future?

Girl Named Jack

@Audley I got the impression them killing her was an accident, and they set the house on fire to cover their tracks. I fully admit to being a total apologist for the loopholes in this movie, btw. I think I was seeing things that might only have existed as vague subtext. I don't care; I still loved it.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Girl Named Jack
I deleted my comment because I wrote it without (somehow) seeing that you had already answered and I didn't want to seem rude! Sorry!

Guys, I am just glad to be talking about this movie!

meetapossum

@Girl Named Jack I like how nicely they dealt with the problem of explaining time travel. "Too complicated! Not even going to try."

That way I didn't have to think about it all week like I did with Primer.

Girl Named Jack

@SarcasticFringehead JGL burned his bodies in the big factory thing.

Seriously, guys, I have no end of excuses for this deeply flawed movie that somehow I fell in love with. I feel like I'm dating a loser and have to keep explaining to my friends about how he's really great, no, really, he's awesome at home, you just don't know him, etc. etc.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@SarcasticFringehead
Maybe you CAN'T send things to the future?

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Girl Named Jack
re: justifying

I am right there with ya.

meetapossum

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll That makes sense, since time travel hadn't (hasn't?) been invented. I am very curious as to why Jeff Daniel's character seems to be fine when he mentions something about Future Seth's brain being affected by time travel.

Audley

@Girl Named Jack I still really enjoyed the movie, just because Joseph Gordon-Levitt! In suits! I sympathize with your position, here, though. A few weeks ago, I watched Sunshine with a bunch of friends and, while I was trying valiantly to enjoy it, my friends very quickly devolved into merciless snarking.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@meetapossum
Wait, what are you thinking of?

I just want to keep talking about this!

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Audley
Let's talk about Sunshine, too! I thought it was totally gorgeous (even aside from Cillian Murphy) but then it devolved into a quotations from slasher movies? WHAT? Why ruin a pretty good thing? Should have stayed with 2001-esque stylin'.

So, both really good in some ways and pretty lame in others?

meetapossum

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Joe comes in and talks to Abe while Seth is hiding out in his bunker, and Abe says something about Future Seth not really being able to get very far anyway because "time travel messes with your head" or something to that effect. In retrospect, he may have just been referring to what he had planned for Seth, but I can't remember the exact wording.

But Abe has been in the past for years and seems fine. Maybe he has more time travel experience?

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@meetapossum
Maybe you get over it after a few days? Maybe there's business-class time travel that doesn't mess with your head? All kinds of fun inventing justifications!

Girl Named Jack

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Ooh, ooh, maybe... he isn't "crossing" into his own timeline? Like, in the future he lives in Shanghai, but when he goes back he's basically just living it up in Kansas, which doesn't affect his future self? I mean, the Loopers are dealing with themselves, but he's not... so... um... reasons... wibbly wobbly timey-wimey?

Lit Drunkard

@meetapossum Ugh, that scene with FutureSeth driving. Ugh ugh ugh. It still gives me the heebies (and I just think of his future timeline being rewritten in his head so he has all of these memories)

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Girl Named Jack
I like your idea!

frigwiggin

@Lit Drunkard Ahhh, that scene made me feel ill. So effective, but so upsetting.

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll @Audley

I had such fondness for Sunshine at certain points, but the slasher parts were definitely weak. I think I just wanted it to be a beautiful tragedy about the end of the world, instead of what it was.

evil melis

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Let's talk about Sunshine a lot! The second best kind of movie is "something goes wrong in space." How does Sunshine relate to Moon on your list?

Lucienne

@evil melis Moon > Sunshine

frigwiggin

@Lucienne Really, with the titles they should cancel each other out. But I agree with you--I think Moon is what I had wanted Sunshine to be, plus it has the pro of multiple Sam Rockwells.

Lucienne

@frigwiggin I mean, I like Sunshine more than most people, but I think Moon is just amazing.

Fodforever

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Also, there's the whole time travel paradox thing. Like, the BIG ONE...

Spoilers Below!**********

If he kills himself to prevent himself from ever coming back to kill the boy, he doesn't come back to kill the boy... so he has no reason to kill himself... repeat to infinity...

Also the boy never gets all warped, which leads to the whole him becoming the new boss and "all the loopers are getting killed one by one" thing never happens...

There are so many other issues... but yeah, better not to think about it and enjoy JGL's kind of weird but still hot face.

In other news, I saw Moonrise Kingdom over the weekend and was so so so disappointed. How is it getting such rave reviews?! It was all Anderson quirk and no heart or laughter :/ ... I think maybe I only like his stuff when Owen Wilson is co-writing and adds some actual life into Wes' pretty cardboard world.

Whew, rant over.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@evil melis
Oooh, I had forgotten about 'Moon'! (I think I was really busy in 2009 and never got around to watching it?) I will check it out!

Ellie

I work at a university and live a block from the official extent of campus, where residents should have a reasonable expectation that they live in a semi-urban area near a high proportion of college students. We have one neighbor who has called the police several times about noise and believes our house is particularly noisy (he said this to one of my roommates, not knowing he lived here). As a counterpoint, we live directly over a retired police officer who has never been bothered by any noise. We have only had two or three "loud" gatherings since I moved in but we do have a really great sound system.

I'm having a Halloween party next Friday night that will probably go pretty late and I would like to make use of our great sound system. So I am worried about the above. My mom (a professor at the university I work at) suggested that I contact the campus police, or the city police, in advance to let them know that I would be having a party, it would be relatively civil, and that there is one neighbor who consistently objects to noise that other neighbors have not expressed any objection to. I'm also considering leaving notes for our neighbors à la "We are planning to have a party, be forewarned," which I know people do sometimes, but I have NO idea exactly what such a note should say or if it wouldn't make things worse. I want to be considerate and responsible, but I also want to be able to have a party a couple times a year on a weekend night near a college campus. Any advice?

meetapossum

@Ellie DEFINITELY let your neighbors know. Give them a guesstimate of how late it will be, and add your phone number with a note that says if it's too loud to CALL YOU. That way you can avoid any problems with campus/regular police.

garli

@Ellie Have the police ever contacted you about it? Or your landlord? I lived in a house that had parties like 3 times a year and one neighbor would ALWAYS call the cops on us (the other side of our house was our landlord who had small kids and said we were not loud so...we weren't that loud)

The cops would come out and tell us some one called them but also that we weren't too loud.

Which I guess isn't a very good story. But we never got in trouble and I just didn't feel bad. We also kicked everyone out before midnight, only did it on saturdays and got up early the next day to clean up. Some times you just live near cranks.

SarahP

@Ellie Unless you live in an apartment, I don't see a need to let next-door neighbors know about a party. (Above and below, might be nice.) But I agree with your mother that it'd be good to let the police know that you are going to have a small party at which there will be music and your overly-sensitive neighbor may call them. At worst, it will change nothing, but at best, it may avoid them showing up if said neighbor does call.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@Ellie It may be a good idea to post a note to neighbors that you'll be having a party. Part of the issue might be the guy complaining was startled by loud cool jams? But if he expects loud cool jams at a designated time, he can make plans and leave for the evening or put in ear plugs. Just make sure your note is polite and mentions you'll try to be respectful re: noise levels. And don't make it sound like an open invitation to other residents to stop by.

geek_tragedy

@OhMyGoshYouGuys

I don't know, I mean, I might just invite said neighbour. Killing the passive aggressive with kindness is often surprisingly easy, and fun.

baked bean

@Ellie When my nice neighbors throw parties they come over and let me know it's happening, invite me, and to let them know if it gets too loud. I think this is very courteous and really appreciate it.

Sometimes approaching the police about a too-loud situation is easier than approaching the people throwing the parties. Giving them an invitation to let you know if it's too loud will make them more likely to talk to you about it.
Unless, of course, this guy is hard to negotiate with and you think he's probably going to tell you to turn it down no matter what.

He could just be against parties, a pooper they call those people.

Ellie

I had a similarly-scaled party in June that the police came to apparently but I had already left the party and by the time they got there it was just some people sitting around or something. I don't think anyone has contacted the landlord ever, but I'm not positive. A friend who used to live in the house next door said some guy (apparently, a different guy) would call the police at the drop of a hat so it seems like a touchy neighborhood for noise complaints. Still trying to decide if it's worth reaching out to the police (and if so, campus or town) beforehand or just doing notes to neighbors.

like a rabid squirrel

@Ellie I know that in my former college town, the campus police were generally tasked with responding to noise complaints for student parties, and that registering parties with them was always an option. I might go with the campus police first if they have a similar role in your neighborhood.

Summer Somewhere

i am flying back home(ish) for a wedding this weekend! wedding guests include a group of people i haven't hung out with all at once in nearly 10 years, including my ex and his girlfriend. a few years ago, this ex asked me to stop calling him because when she heard messages from me on his machine, she got real upset. also, my girlfriend is nervous to meet him because she has only heard bad things about him from me, whoops. it's going to be ok right? what if she's weird???

KeLynn

@Summer Somewhere It's going to be fine! I think you can be polite and have a little "nice to see you" conversation and then move on to other guests. It doesn't have to be a thing!

Summer Somewhere

@KeLynn I just want to take advantage of the situation to hang out and chat with him. We were terrible lovers but we were good friends at one time. Also, I have never eeeeeeeeever been a threat to their relationship.

ETA: She is probably more scared of me than I am of her. I should just be nice, probably?

PatatasBravas

@Summer Somewhere I think this is when you have a twenty-second convo of genuine delight in his well-being and his girlfriend's beautiful choice of dress, then notice something/someone in the middle distance that you simply must attend to, toss your head back in a cheery wedding peal of laughter, and merrily make your escape with loving gf in tow.

Lather, rinse, repeat. No need for real in-depth chats and hang outs, because it's a wedding, and because he's set boundaries before. Be nice and funny and quick about it!

Summer Somewhere

@PatatasBravas I love the idea of tossing my head back in a cheery wedding peal of laughter. I didn't do that though. We were seated right next to each other and chatted the whole time! The four of us even ditched the wedding early to hang out at the hotel bar and other friends followed us back there later. Parts of the wedding felt awkward, but not the part with old friends, thank goodness.

jason049

Our record of number of people in a room playing Sims is 7.

High Pr blog comments

stonefruit

Sooooo after all my hopping up and down about getting Broken Harbor out of the library, and after staying up until a very ill-advised 1:15am when I had to get up at 6am that same day just so I could plow through to the very middle -- I was not so thrilled by it.

bah! It felt formulaic. And I spent all of yesterday in a haze of fatigue.

Girl Named Jack

I found out that someone I've had a crush on for years has a crush on me too! I mean, the crush-ee is married and I'm in a LTR, plus we live in different countries and see each other once a year at most, but still. I feel at least 25% prettier and wittier somehow. Thanks, crush-ee!

Passion Fruit

@Girl Named Jack Oooohhhh, yes, validation of a crush is pretty fucking good. Like, "I KNEW IT!!! You DID want to bone me! YESSSSSS. Smartest person alive, right here."

tea sonata

@Girl Named Jack Awww. Seconding the validation.

Summer Somewhere

@Girl Named Jack - prettier and wittier and gayer too, i hope.

Danzig!

Anybody into this "weird twitter" thing? I really like surreal humor, so I was really into it, until somebody wrote a not-particularly-noteworthy essay on the subculture and it kind of ruined it, with all the fantastic imagery grinding to a halt while all the boner- and weed-centric twitter accounts complained in unison.

There is one person 100% worth following, tho - if you're on twitter you should check out @petfurniture, she writes little poetic vignettes and they're beautiful, more often than not. Makes the service for me.

Personal update: Things still bad.

thebestjasmine

@Danzig! Can you explain this to me? I tried to read something about it this week but did not understand what weird twitter is at all.

Danzig!

@thebestjasmine It's a big hodgepodge of people - IRL standup comedians and writers (just a handful), "internet comedians", the odd radical feminist - who follow each other and toss off-the-cuff surrealist jokes on twitter. I can't tell where or how it started but https://twitter.com/dril seems to be one of the progenitors of the style, and a number of them have roots in the FYAD forum on Something Awful (which is unmoderated).

Like any internet subculture there are a lot of shared codes and cues. Shared slang and language style, lots of scatological- or weed-themed handles, and memes that people riff on. For example you'll see a lot of "Sext: X" tweets where X is some strange non-sequitir ("sext: yr head becomes fire and I slide down yr neck", etc). They have the DGAF attitude of internet trolls but they don't seem to engage in racist or sexist baiting and a fair number of them seem to be feminist or pro-feminist.

*NOW I remember who thebestjasmine is and why I followed her

evil melis

Apparently I am part of weird twitter, which I feel like is setting the bar pretty low.

Danzig!

@evil melis That's melis, tho. Yr evil melis. Who are you REALLY

Danzig!

@evil melis It's a problematic label, really, in that anyone on Twitter with an odd sense of humor can be tagged w/ it. It's not hard to imitate the "weird twitter" style either. The real delineation comes from the actual clique that exists, but it's more interesting to talk about the memes and mannerisms than the actual members of the in-group. Except for Dril, who rules

Oh and PS, that twitter account that bottled yr secret essence? That's me hahahaha *throws smoke bomb at feet, slowly crawls out window, wheezing heavily*

mittens blum

I quit my job and moved across five states to Boston! It remains to be seen whether this will make any future lists of "Smartest Life Choices" but in the meantime, I would be very happy to receive any suggestions for what to do/where to go/who to go with. Or just general suggestions for how to spend my now-copious free time. I might be able to develop a hobby now!

Alternately, I was super late to the Sherlock slash fic comment sidetrack earlier this week, so if anyone wanted to continue that over here.

Daisy Razor

@mittens blum Have you joined the Boston Pinners google group? There's usually something going on there. :)

ETA: A link would help, duh!

Decca

@mittens blum Listen to the Patty Griffin song, "Boston". It's the best!

mittens blum

@Daisy Razor I did! I was feeling woeful about its being quiet and just realized it looks like my email settings were borked. Oops.

Blackwatch Plaid

@mittens blum I live in Boston and like Sherlock slash fic. Be my friend?

thebestjasmine

I had a dream the other night that The Hairpin brought back the end of the day Friday "This is what happened this week!" link posts and I was so happy.

Daisy Razor

Oh, hey, does anyone have recommendations for light lamps/boxes for Seasonal Affective Disorder? Mine died last year and of course I didn't think to look for a replacement until two weeks before Daylight Savings.

polka dots vs stripes

@Daisy Razor I have no suggestions but would like to see what other people suggest. Which one did you use to have?

thebestjasmine

@Daisy Razor I know someone who has one that she loves, let me check with her for you.

etc etc

@Daisy Razor For my birthday almost three years ago, my mom bought me two (!) Verilux HappyLight 6000s (http://www.verilux.com/light-therapy-lamps/happylight-6000/). I LOVE THEM. I keep one at home and the other at work. I use them pretty much every day fall through mid-spring (I was living in New England and upstate New York, now I'm in the PNW), and the bulbs are still working. Plus they came with a little slip that let you replace the bulbs for free if they died in the first five years. Cannot recommend highly enough.

meetapossum

I gave my cat his first does of kitty Prozac today, and he was not happy about it. The vet said that liquid medication would be easier to dose than pills, but he was wrong!

I have a Songs About Death playlist on Spotify if anyone is interested. I would also be interested to hear other Pinners suggestions for Death Songs!

meetapossum

@meetapossum *dose. Ugh.

lisma

@meetapossum I hope your kitty gets better! Wrangling with a cat every day over medication sounds daunting, but anything for our cats, right?

meetapossum

@lisma Yes! It was much easier to wrangle him for one pill to toss in his mouth. He is much less happy with me squirting fish-flavored liquid in his mouth.

He's been stress grooming since before I got him, so I'm hoping this will curb the behavior and then I can take him off of it.

lisma

@meetapossum Cats never like anything and are always so contrary. Is that why we love them?

Cat named Virtute

@meetapossum I don't have Spotify, but I'm assuming you've got Elegies for Elsabeth and Night Windows on there for to best cry All The Tears?

Also Casimir Pulaski Day.

meetapossum

@Cat named Virtute I have Night Windows on there! Reunion Tour came out shortly after my grandfather died, so that song always reminds me of him. But only one song per artist as to maintain Unspoken Mixlist Rules. Here's the track list:
1. La Grande – Laura Gibson
2. Box of Cedar – Marissa Nadler
3. No Children – The Mountain Goats
4. My Boy Builds Coffins – Florence and the Machine
5. St. James Infirmary – Louis Armstrong
6. Uncle’s Sweetheart Pt. 2 – Madeline
7. Late – Ben Folds
8. Night Windows – The Weakerthans
9. Someone Has to Die – Maritime
10. Tell Laura I Love Her – Ray Peterson
11. The Curse – Josh Ritter
12. Opie’s Funeral Song – Sufjan Stevens
13. September – Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
14. Going to Your Funeral Part I – Eels
15. Henry Lee – Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (feat. PJ Harvey)
16. The Show Must Go On – Queen
17. Jessica – Regina Spektor

meetapossum

@Cat named Virtute And now I'm realizing that I could've done a list with death songs about girls named Elizabeth, but this one is a death song list with girls named Laura.

Cat named Virtute

@meetapossum Nooooooo, new ladyfriend's name is Laura. I can barely listen to the new Bat For Lashes song called Laura without losing my shit.

meetapossum

@Cat named Virtute I mean, to be fair, in one of them Laura doesn't die, just her boyfriend.

But my name is also Laura, so I guess they were morbid choices.

Cat named Virtute

@meetapossum Sometimes morbid is necessary!

*checks number of listens on Virtute the Cat Explains Her Disappearance, looks guilty*

lemonadefish

@meetapossum
Keep Me In Your Heart For A While, by Warren Zevon. It's on his last album, that he made while dying, and it tears me right up every time.

Also, it was long thought that my cat was stress-grooming his belly, but it turned out the poor thing had tapeworms (uuuuugh! So gross.) and just had a belly ache for months and months and months. YMMV.

redheaded&crazy

this dream I had this morning has been cracking me up all day so I'ma retelling it here:

I ordered icecream at a restaurant. They brought me a quart of icecream, which I ate. Having finished it off, I then complained that this was a ridiculous amount of ice cream to serve. The server apologized and brought me a complimentary ice cream cone as an apology gesture. Which I also ate.

I woke up with a headache, I'm guessing from the sugar rush.

KeLynn

@redheaded&crazie I love you.

Jane Err

@redheaded&crazie That's fantastic.

My favorite dream that I've ever had was the one where I was writing a children's book about moose.

That's it. That's all there was. The vague impression that I was writing a children's book about moose.

Alli525

I just started therapy!! After 26.5 years I finally felt like it would be a good idea to sort through all the shit I've experienced... and I'm really into the idea of it, and I think it will help me work through all the stuff that I have put in a figurative box marked "to deal with later"... so this should hopefully be good.

area@twitter

@Alli525 Hooray! Best of luck! Therapy can be hard work, but it's so, so worthwhile. Don't be afraid to switch therapists if your first one doesn't quite fit.

lindsayishere

@Alli525 congrats! I've been meaning to for forever, and am finally at the, "No really, this is a thing I need to look into this week" point. Where do people find good ones? The internet, I guess?

Umlauts

@lindsayishere I found my therapist using the Psychology Today directory: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

It makes it really easy to see their specialities, what insurance they take, etc.

Also you can email them through the site which was great for me becaue my schedule makes playing phone tag maddening (pun intended).

geek_tragedy

@lindsayishere

See last week's open thread, but I did a bunch of research. Also, I asked a friend about his super-cool therapist.

Megasus

Had to email AGAIN today about my cheque from August not showing up. Apparently it was sent TWO WEEKS AGO. And I live in the same city so WTF. So yeah, I am broke, and running out of food, and there is still a week and a half left of October. So I am on ration duty basically and it suuuuucks.
Also I maybe unwisely spent some money on books instead of food BUT ONE OF THEM WAS ONE OF THOSE GENDER REVERSED ARTHUR BOOKS BY JO WALTON THAT AREN'T IN PRINT ANYMORE so I feel justified in my purchase. And it was like $3.
Oh and I am apartment hunting and it is not going great, and I am freaking out because no one is getting back to me, and the one apartment I have gone to look at was the worst. Basically a tiny, sunless box. Just the worst layout you can think of.

tea sonata

@Megano! Is there a contact number you can ring to chase them up in person? Seriously. Emails can be ignored, deleted. Speaking to the humans might make them remember, and actually get off their ass and do something.

And you can always justify books. Never unwise!

geek_tragedy

@Megano! ugh I feel you on apartment hunting! That's some bullshit! I am apt hunting in Toronto the Good AND all the places I like are expensive. Except for the one with roaches. Which is right next door to the new stomping grounds of a serial sexual assault-er.

Also, re: your cheque. That's really not cool.

Megasus

@geek_tragedy I am also apartment hunting in Toronto! And everywhere is expensive and so small my couch won't fit.
I'm gonna wait to hear back from the editor who signed off on my cheque to see if she knows what's going on. I know they're not ignoring me, and they have had a pretty good track record before this (I interned at this mag in the spring, and temped another time in the summer, so I dunno what happened this time).

geek_tragedy

@Megano!

Aghhh yes! Also, I need a couch. I am borrowing a friend's for a bit, but that won't last forever. Hopefully this latest landlord accepts our application--my roommate spent forever charming him.

Also, if you're in Toronto and running low on the foodz money I will seriously make you a quiche or two! SRSLY for realz. Let me know. I was in the exact same situation this year with my employer and it SUCKED.

Megasus

@geek_tragedy Awww that is so sweet of you! I should be OK though, I really just have to wait until the end of next week for more money, and I do have an emergecny fund, I just have had to dip into it much more than I would like.

geek_tragedy

@Megano! I'm glad to hear that you have an emergency fund! STILL, should you need quiche, just let me know. I make that shit every day. And it's delicious and cheesy.

Queen of Pickles

It's my birthday! And my friends at work got me cupcakes!

And tonight I'm going to play pool, or watch others play it, and listen to live gospel, and drink liquor.

Lyssachelle

@Queen of Pickles HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Cawendaw

@Queen of Pickles HAPPY CUPCAKES!

olivebee

@Queen of Pickles Happy birthday! Enjoy your night!

lisma

@Queen of Pickles Happy Pickles!!

anachronistique

@Queen of Pickles HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Decca

Last week I was complaining about feeling like I'd no friends in this new city. Well! This week I joined a queer theory reading group full of fun, smart and chatty people, went to the pub with a different group of equally fun people, I'm about to leave to go to a party now, and tomorrow I'm going on a countryside ramble with a girl I went on an OKC friend-date with and all her friends. Success!

tea sonata

@Decca Applause for you!

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@Decca Glad to hear things are going good for you in the MA! Haven't managed to swing any more Dublin Pin Ups since that one time, but it's been in the back of my mind for a while - last time was fun. Hope the party was fun :)

whereismyrobot

Ladies, can we talk cheap, cute bras. I'm on a budget, but 35, Target bras don't cut it anymore.

Any ideas for cute bras on the cheap for a B cup?

Lily Rowan

@whereismyrobot If you're open to colors and whatnot, your TJ Maxx and similar has cheap bras. Although not as good as Filene's Basement (RIP).

bitchycrosstownexpress

@whereismyrobot JC Penney's bras have gotten a bunch cheaper since they went to that "no sales but cheaper overall prices" thing. I spent three hours trying on everything there when I decided to upgrade from my Target bras, and settled on Maidenform as my new favorite (they run about $20-25). Not AS cheap as Target but they seem like they might last a bit longer so it probably evens out.

The Lady of Shalott

@whereismyrobot Aerie??? They're not the best quality, but they usually have a zillion B's in stock at the store, and they have tons of cute prints and stuff.

If Aerie is too young (which not all their stuff is! They have a lot of lace, plain coloured bras, etc) have you looked at Gap Body? They usually have good deals and some cute stuff (some basics). And ALWAYS trawl the Nordstrom sale section online and Nordstrom Rack because DEALS, BABY, DEALS!

JadedStone

@whereismyrobot figleaves - sign up for their email and they're constantly having sales

KeLynn

@whereismyrobot - I bet places like Nordstrom Rack, TJ Maxx, etc. would be perfect for this

lisma

@whereismyrobot if you're near a Nordstrom Rack, they have clearance items from the brands that they carry in the main store.

RK Fire

@lisma : Jumping in to vouch very strongly for Nordstrom Rack. Nordstrom Rack!!

tea sonata

Ugh. Been ill all week, weepy Mon-Weds, finally got something to help me sleep, and though I'm still not quite back to normal (Phlegmville: Resident, me) it is so good to just Function More Normally. DickBrain is not quite as supressed as normal, though. Insecurities dribbling out. Hmmm.

In the meantime, it is Schubert weekend this weekend at college and I'm playing on the mainstage with my Trio and I'm chuffed about that, so 1-up to me! Then next day off is... November 2? What? Education, it's bad for ya, kids. How my housemates maintain relationships is beyond me, but I'm sure I can fit in a haircut somewhere.

laurel

@tea sonata: <3 U, Schubie!

adorable-eggplant

@tea sonata Ooo Schubert weekend! I'm jealous. :)

tea sonata

@adorable-eggplant Yup! It was Brahms this time last year, and it's all chamber music this year. Looking forward to hearing the Rosamunde Quartet tomorrow afternoon.

adorable-eggplant

@tea sonata Dang, that sounds awesome. And yay for quartets!! I heard the Miró Quartet do Dvorák last year and it was quite fun. :)

tea sonata

@adorable-eggplant Hopefully after the Schubert is done, we're going to look at Janacek's Sonata Number two... EXCITING.

AnalogMetronome

@tea sonata I am SUCH a Janacek fan! Have fun!
(Re: Schubert weekend, someone is playing the Cello Quintet, right?! It's only the greatest piece of music ever written.)

255
255

@tea sonata Phlegm needs for Mucinex (Guaifenesin). If I'm sick I use it with fexofenadine as well. They work together nicely.

Miss Maszkerádi

@MademoiselleML Janacek fans, we must unite, for our numbers are sadly few....

255
255

@CountessMaritza FEW? Murakami for one is a huge fan and J's operas are popular in Europe and regularly done in the US. A friend was just in a European production that was a zombie robocop design (not like I would want to see that but I thought it was hilarious). Jenufa is my second favorite opera (I am studying to sing the role too, yay) and while I'd rather have a better soprano singing it, this track is awesome and I am DEVASTATED I missed Mattila singing this at the Met this past year http://open.spotify.com/track/38qf0IkjqZdAItKx0BoaEt

tea sonata

@CountessMaritza He has quite a following here in the UK, his works are somewhat regularly performed. He's there if you know where to look, at least.

@255 I will look into that, thank you. Luckily it seems to be easing.

MilesofMountains

Anyone know how to catch a cat? Or maybe build a cat-trap? There's this adorable kitten who has spent the last week hanging around my boyfriend's house, but it's very very skittish and we can't get near it. He's build a little shelter in his carport for it with blankets and a windscreen and he feeds it twice a day, but it's getting below freezing at night now and we're worried for it. All attempts to corner it have failed, and this weekend we're trying a small mammal live trap but I don't know if a trap meant for catching rodents is going to work for cats.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@MilesofMountains maybe one of those live traps (wire cage-looking thing) that people use to catch skunks/raccoons? My parents' dog got caught in one in our neighbors' backyard because he wanted the old, dirty hotdog inside of it. Maybe set one and use cat food as bait.

dale

@MilesofMountains Is there a cat rescue org anywhere near you? They can recommend a type of trap, or even loan you one (we do this a lot).

MilesofMountains

@dale Unfortunately, I live in the boonies, so there's nothing cat-centric, but I'll totally try the animal shelter. They won't take cats, but my boyfriend's willing to keep it if he catches it, so they might help anyway.

dale

@MilesofMountains Yes - do that - or email a cat rescue. Even if it's further away, I'm sure they'd be glad to pass along tips to help a cat in need! Is your boyfriend keeping the cat once it's caught? A rescue might be able to sort out helping you arrange to get it fixed when it is time, etc.

rallisaurus

@MilesofMountains This sounds really weird (and there may be other reasons why you wouldn't want to do this), but my cat lady friend at work says that the smell of Chick-fil-A is irresistible to cats. Never tried it myself though.

redheaded&crazy

Also every comment I made today has typos in it and it is DRIVING ME CRAZY

Hellcat

Is is a faux pas to ask something here that I asked (perhaps to late to be seen) in another thread? (Or maybe no one had any info. Or everyone hates me!). Anyway, to try to keep trashy smells and trips to the big trash bin thing to a minimum, I want a garbage disposal in my new place. Are they as wonderful as I seem to believe they are, or not really worth it and present their own set of problems that I won't want to deal with? I've never had one...

Also, and this sounds so dumb, hair products that are not in spray format: is there a proper way to apply them? I usually put it in my hand, rub my hands together, and then run them through my hair (it's long) while hanging my head upside-down? I guess it works OK but last night I wondered if I am being completely nuts and if there's a right way that I don't know about.

Lily Rowan

@Hellcat I love having a disposal, but hear they are bad news. I've only rented places with them, so I haven't had to deal with plumbing issues, but I think I had to have the guy out once to fix it.

Hellcat

@Lily Rowan Oh, man--I kind of figured that. All I want is a place to ditch the food kind of trash without having to make 20 trios to the dumpster per week. I don't mean to be so lazy but it's excessive... and not very environmentally sound either. Plus, I can smell everything; it's like the second it hits the trash, it becomes absolutely heinous to my nose!

professionalmess

@Hellcat I feel like garbage disposals are somewhere in between. I have one in my current place and haven't ever had a problem with it (thankfully; the maintenance response here is awful), but it isn't AMAZING either. Maybe I'm under utilizing it?

Also, they still smell sometimes, but you can pour vinegar down there, or disposal a lemon rind, or get these packets of cleaner that shoot cleaning foam into it.

The Lady of Shalott

@Hellcat This is secondhand, but my parents have had a garbage disposal in their home for like 25 years now and have only had a problem like....once....and it was fixable by them at home. I think as long as you are sensible about using them (read the manual, only grind up grindable things, don't try to wreck it, run the water with it to drain it, etc) it's AWESOME because NO SMELLS!!!! But as always, your mileage may vary.

KeLynn

@Hellcat I guess it depends on the particular hair product, but if it's something that I need on my roots (like volumizer) I do it the way you described because I think it's easier to get at your roots hanging upside down. If it's something I need on my ends, I usually do it right side up.

Hellcat

@ All Y'all THANKS! If they're not crazy pricy, maybe I should go for it. Right now, I can fit only a small trashcan (with no lid) under my sink and I swear, I am always battling a smell (my BF doesn't even notice it, but I have Crazy Nose). And because there are bear sightings where I live, I don't know if it's always a great plan to run around the back of the building late at night just because of a smell!

@KeLynn Mine's usually a smoothing/shining kind of cream or serum that I feel like I have to "drag" through my hair with my fingers, sort of? So not much with the roots. I don't know why I'm so confounded by this but it's not easy to place it "just so" either.

KeLynn

@Hellcat - Hmmm with my shine serum I do it right side up and just smear it on my palms, and then like smooth my hands down my hair on the top layer from my ears down? Like I'm petting my hair? I guess I figure the top layer is all it has to be on but I've never really thought about this. I anticipate being extra conscious of what I'm doing next time I do my hair.

Hellcat

@KeLynn No, don't! You'll become a crazy neurotic like me!

Lily Rowan

@Hellcat Yeah, it sounds like it might be worth it for you to have the disposal. Just watch out for fiber, and do dispose of things that are crunchy, like even small bones.

Hellcat

@Lily Rowan I think I'll look into it. I'm not much of a cook and can't even think of a situation where I'd have bones to throw away, actually (plus the BF is fond of hurling stuff like that off the balcony into the woods. I don't know what I think of that but I suppose it's not hurting anyone?).

I looked up portable trash compactors too -- and, haha! I don't think so; those damn things are like $800!

Lily Rowan

@Hellcat Um, throwing meat/bones/etc. off the balcony would tend to encourage animals to come really close, no? This is why I don't live in nature.

Hellcat

@Lily Rowan Haha--I don't know either! Typically, he tosses the unfinished part of a sandwich or a pizza crust into his own yard and then happily watches when a squirrel finds it. He thinks he's helping. He also leaves trail mix for a gopher who lives under his neighbor's shed. The neighbor always blocks the hole the gopher uses to get in and out with a cinderblock, which my BF always moves.

Tuna Surprise

So I recently moved very far from home and my best friend from home made a huge show about how she was going to come visit me for Thanksgiving. I thought it was nice. I miss her and haven't made many new friends so it was going to be a welcome break from weekends alone. So now she emails me that tickets are too expensive. Except, they aren't expensive, they are regular priced (i.e., they don't really get any cheaper than that). Also, as a benefit of being her bestie, I know how much she makes and this is in no way a stretch for her financially. (Trust me - I know her wallet and it's doing very well).

So should I be beefed? She's always been cheap but this sorta makes me upset. I mean, she volunteered to come and made a big show of it but now she's basically flaking. I don't know why, but it is making me super crazy. Everytime I get an email from her that says 'checked flight prices again and they're the same' it makes me want to go bananas. Last time she said something, I wanted to snip back 'I know you don't want to come so stop b.s.ing about the cost'. Too rude?

Lyssachelle

@Tuna Surprise Maybe she's doing well financially, but is not so much with the budgeting? Making a buttload of money doesn't mean a thing if you don't spend it well.
You can always just ask her about it; not assume, but just say "Hey, are you sure there isn't something else going on? Because it doesn't feel like the ticket prices are the problem..." As bestie, you reserve the right to call her on her BS, though you gotta do it nicely.

BUT, you gotta be prepared for the answer. Because if she's honest and is like, "I met someone and I'd rather spend the holiday with them," or "You've been in a mood lately and spending it with you would be too much of a downer right now," you gotta be able to handle it since you asked for it.
Plus, is there any reason that she could give that will suffice, or is it the not-knowing? Cause in the end, besties are for life and sometimes they will suck. But you forgive them and love them anyway, so maybe this time she gets to suck and you get to forgive her and let her have her little white lie...

polka dots vs stripes

@Tuna Surprise I've been in a similar situation - have you told her that's typically the cost? If she wants to come, she'll bite the bullet and buy the ticket, and if she doesn't, she won't. If she doesn't travel often, she might not have realistic expectations of flight prices.

TinyNinjas

Anyone doing aerial arts or has ever taken an aerial arts/circus arts classes? I'm doing SO WELL on the static trapeze but climbing the rope is so foreign to my body! I can't get any further than a foot off the ground before the tops of my feet hurt and I just jump right off :( Any tips from any rope climbers greatly appreciated!

remargaret

@TinyNinjas That's so awesome! That's actually why i started doing recreational pole a few years ago, because it was a prereq at my local studio for doing aerial work. I ended up never doing the aerial, but would still LOVE to get into it. How do you like it? Please share :)

fruiting body

@TinyNinjas
(sorry for posting two days late)
I've only climbed the rope twice, but I do silks and static trapeze. The only advice I can offer is to keep at it. I feel much more comfortable on trapeze, but I think it's worth the effort to cross-train on two different apparatus. Does your studio offer silks/tissu? That might be a good way to learn some of the rope skills - it's a little more gentle. (Not all skills will transfer, but for things like climbing it can help a lot!)

Edited to add: you could also try wearing leg warmers over the tops of your feet OR those ankle braces like for when you sprain an ankle. If you keep up with trapeze you will end up wanting them for ankle hangs and the like.

I could talk about aerial for a million years... it is my favorite thing ever

Speaking of cake, I have cake

I cringe to ask, but can anyone share the shame of 'poor-little-rich-girl' syndrome? My parents have paid for me to study many times (my country doesn't have giant uni fees thank god) and supported me on and off pretty much my whole adult life. As in I've had jobs and my own money for spells - never longer than 2 years max - but I've always depended on them in some way or other for accomodation, car (which I still can't drive) etc etc, while I flail aimlessly from one career idea to the next. I don't ask them to do it, but I don't stop them either. I've had on and off depression my whole life too and I don't know if it's chicken or egg. I've always felt...emasculated is the only word I can think of to describe it, despite not having testicles. I am at the latest crisis of wanting to quit something they're paying for cos I feel like it's somehow not my choice, even though every time I've tried to strike out on my own it's always been a total disaster cos I get immobilised by depression. Ugh, I know so many people will legitimately despise me for having this 'problem' and I know the logical answer is 'grow the hell up' but there's all this emotional dependency issues caught up with it plus my own brain is such a seething mass of constant thoughtfarts that I honestly don't know what I really want or aspire to in life anymore. Anyone ever been in a remotely similar situation?

area@twitter

@Speaking of cake, I have cake I'm sorry. That's a pretty shitty situation that your folks have put you in; you've never been allowed to fail, right? So you've never known that you can recover from failure. And having untreated or undertreated depression is no small thing either; it makes it hard verging on impossible to rely on yourself. Ugh. Would it be possible for your parents to only pay for treating your depression? That way you'd be sure to get the care you need, but you'd still have the independence to experiment for yourself. And part of that treatment should include talking to a good therapist; s/he can help you walk through those steps to determining your own independence when you've got some major factors that make it easier to stay dependent.

redheaded&crazy

@Speaking of cake, I have cake I have a few thoughts on this - I also grew up in an insanely privileged household as I've alluded to in various places on the billfold. Step 1 is to show gratitude to your parents all the time. I also don't like the term "poor little rich girl" syndrome. It just icks me out. Don't use it.

- get into therapy. Hey, have your parents pay for it. I mean, you may as well. Use a therapist to help sort out your "thoughtfarts" and emotional dependency issues and depression and feeling immobile and wanting to quit things so you aren't dependent on them.

-The wanting to quit things because they're paying for it is particularly harmful in my opinion, because it's like ... rebellious rather than appreciative. If they are willing to pay for things, be appreciative. If they are saying "we are only paying for things we want you to do and here they are so you have to do them" well, I guess you have to figure out whether you actually want to do those things for yourself or what you want to do. I recommend creating a schedule, therefore putting aside a day of your week that you are committed to looking at job options. This worked really well for me.

- if you are living at home and working, you should be putting as much money into a savings account as possible. That way you will have some backup independence.

- if you live somewhere where you need a car, get your driver's license. Just get it. Just get it. Just do it.

Passion Fruit

@area@twitter I think that's a great suggestion! Have them contribute towards treating your depression. That way they can help and not feel negligent, if that's what they're afraid of. All other life stuff can be yours to sort out. If you don't have kids to look out for, you can be poor and independent. It'll put some hair on your chest (to match the testicles that you don't have? What?).

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@area@twitter Aw thanks. My poor parents really think they're doing the right thing; they don't really understand depression and while they have paid for me to see therapists before they get confused as to why the problem can't be 'fixed' like with a visit to a doctor.. Anyway I've had a couple of great therapists and they've helped a lot with me understanding myself better but I haven't yet had the 'thing' that will jolt me out of the kind of sad apathy that descends, if such a thing even exists. I've tried many meds too. It's so hard for me to try and say 'maybe I shouldn't be financially supported even though it will be hard' because the dominant message in my family is 'support is good and you'd be silly/difficult to refuse it', and while I can be confident in other areas the idea of trying to argue 'maybe I can do something that seems silly and yet still be a legit adult' still seems impossible to me.

Guh it looks so ridiculous typed out! But thanks for being kind - I wouldn't blame anyone for telling me to STFU and get a real problem :)

Miss Maszkerádi

@Speaking of cake, I have cake Yes, I can relate, mostly. I'm in my first semester of grad school, my (financially secure) parents pay my tuition, rent and monthly necessities money, and I am currently unemployed. And not actively looking for a full time job (I take gigs and school-based jobs whenever I can, but my actual businessy resume is a huge blank) because while my family has the means and desire to support me, they tell me NOT to get a job so I can really focus on school. I am also in music which like many artistic fields has a longer and messier "launching" period than more office-y careers. My parents started saving money for my education ten years before I was born and my plans for achieving independence are taking shape, but still, when I look around at all the other students who work three jobs and pull straight As and are getting married, and then look at myself - single, messy apartment, horrible at time management and sometimes just bloody lazy - I am without a doubt convinced that I deserve to be tied up in a crowd of actual worthy human beings to be vengefully torn to pieces and eaten. I'm a parasite. Worse than useless. Immoral.

redheaded&crazy

@CountessMaritza man I think you are being way too hard on yourself. And if I were your parents, I'd be kind of offended. They were fortunate enough to pass on this amazing fortune to you, I think you really have to push yourself to see it in a positive light. My parents also started RESPs (Canadian education savings plans) when we were born and obviously being able to contribute to that on a regular basis means having a well-paying job, but it also means being dedicated to saving. Saving money for your children's education is part fortune (large part fortune) and part determination and love and ability.

Also: maybe it will make you feel better to commit to trying to provide that for your children, if you have them. Or commit to taking care of your parents when they are old, or whatever.

redheaded&crazy

Also, I kinda find being overly apologetic for one's fortunate circumstances almost as obnoxious as being totally oblivious. I mean, obviously being apologetic is coming from a good place but it gets to a point where it just seems so self-serving to me. You've got privilege. Acknowledge it. Appreciate it. Try to do good things with it.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@redheaded&crazie Hahah yes, 'poor little rich girl' does sound icky doesn't it? Couldn't think of another way to phrase it - I think it seemed to fit cos it tied in with all those self-loathing-y feelings that @CountessMaritza described above. Excellent advice, though it all hinges on me being undepressed enough to think in a coherent, goal-orientated way. The good news is the depression isn't all the time, it's just flattening for about a week every couple of months and the rest of the time it's low-level enough to shove down and expend energy on useful stuff while the energy is at my disposal.
The driving thing - man! I have been on-and-off trying to learn to drive for SIX YEARS. The mental block is insane. I can drive around fine for 20 mins, then the effort of concentration drains my energy and I forget how to start/stop/change gears/navigate traffic/nearly cause an accident/have panic attack/flee from car/rinse and repeat. No fear of flying though? I think I'm more afraid or transport where I'm in control - apt metaphor for everything!

Miss Maszkerádi

@redheaded&crazie I get what you mean, I agree, I know I have a tendency to be too hard on myself, and I don't feel awful about myself all the time. I usually have perspective despite the everpresent lurking anxieties and insecurities that mortal flesh is heir to. OP asked if anyone could relate, I replied that yes, however irrationally, I can in some ways.

Also, no offense, but imho telling someone clearly anxious about not being worthy or deserving enough of their parents' generosity/good fortune that their parents should be offended by that anxiety is, to my mind, the opposite of helpful. Now i'm afraid that i'm offending my parents by worrying about if i'm offending them.....time for baking pumpkin things methinks.

redheaded&crazy

@Speaking of cake, I have cake Definitely agree that finding a therapist that clicks with you and/or getting on medication is a really important step to take. I hope I didn't come off as too unsympathetic, especially to the mental illness part of it, because it definitely has a huge negative impact on ability to ... do stuff, and I'm sure your family recognizes that. It's great to have a support system. I just think the best thing to do is appreciate it!

Also, cognition is something that can be very seriously affected by depression and often the medications for it are effective in helping mood but not cognition. So the driving thing ... may follow from the dealing with depression thing. Which I realize isn't ~that easy~

redheaded&crazy

@CountessMaritza Agh, I didn't mean it in a "create more anxiety" way although yeah, it is kinda harshly worded. It was meant more like, try to combat that negative thinking with positive thinking about your parents! Pumpkin baking does sound good, I didn't mean to add to your anxiety though, genuinely!!

I mean, I've had these thoughts too! And still have them. But anyway, I'm just trying to offer ways to combat that thinking with more productive/positive thoughts! That's all. :\

area@twitter

@Speaking of cake, I have cake Go into therapy again and TALK ABOUT THIS. Talk about this with someone who won't judge you, someone who is paid to listen to your problems, no matter how insignificant you may think they are.
And take steps. Take the smallest, tiniest steps. Find out how to get the booklet you use to study for your learner's permit. Look at different places to live on the Internet. Get to your next appointment on your own- via bus, or subway, or paying for your own cab. You don't have to freefall out into independence; start building yourself a bridge. I fight with depression and anxiety too, and I know; it's so, so hard to take any kind of step, because you're fighting so desperately to just stay where you are, and your brain thinks that doing anything at all would be futile. So you just huddle while while that voice in your head keeps muttering at you about how worthless and useless you are. You know what? Fuck that voice. Do something small. Do something tiny. Do something perfectly miniscule. Do it offhandedly, like it's no big deal; do it like you're about to jump into a bucket of ice and you have to tense every muscle. Do it because you deserve better than what you're allowing for yourself.

Miss Maszkerádi

@redheaded&crazie Nah it's fine, don't worry!! My parents are great and I really am grateful to and for them A few months ago I was way tied up in knots by all these anxieties but lately i'm doing much better. (My plans for the close to immediate future, it must be admitted, involve prolonged studenthood in a country where free tuition and stipends are a thing that can happen to me.)

area@twitter

@CountessMaritza Oh, hon. It's so hard to feel unworthy, isn't it? And a lot is being asked of you; if you don't succeed somehow, it doesn't just make you feel bad about yourself, it disappoints your parents. It sounds like you might have free time- are there things you can do for your parents that will reduce the sense of obligation you're feeling? Make dinner, drive them to see relatives, come by and help do chores? Or are there volunteer opportunities you can do through your music program? That might help you feel like you're contributing to something beyond yourself.

Cawendaw

@Speaking of cake, I have cake @CountessMaritza I can definitely relate, although I'm afraid I'm not in the "and here is what worked for me" stage yet. I'm currently living with my parents (cringe) who paid my living expenses during my last year of internship (cringe cringe) which I didn't get that much out of because I was too busy being depressed (cringe cringe cringe). I currently don't have a job (cringe x4), and I'm putting off applying to grad school (cringe x5) because the last time I tried I fell into a really bad place which I'm still climbing out of.
I'm getting therapy, but it's slow going and I keep sending myself into spirals of self-hatred about how I'm a horrible parasite and have been for ages and I'm too old to be living like this why am I not more ashamed etc. It's sort of hard to break out of them, since the thing I'm most ashamed of currently defines every aspect of my existence, so it's not easy to get my mind off it.
Sorry, I wish I had more encouragement and positive suggestions but that's not where I am right now.
And yeah, what is it about driving? It freaked me out every time I tried to learn in high school, and ever since I've either taken public transportation or just walked everywhere. I don't know, I think the prospect of accidentally killing someone freaks me out a lot more than the prospect of getting killed in a plane crash.

Cawendaw

@Cawendaw Wow, that was way more of a downer than I meant it to be, sorry! I guess what I'm trying to say is: @Speaking of cake, I have cake yes, I share your shame. And I don't think it's shameful for you to have your problems (as my awesome therapist once told me, "everyone is entitled to their own misery"), even though I am totally hypocritical saying that because I do think it's shameful for me to have my problems. But I don't think it's shameful for you to have yours! Let's focus on the positive! Is that a positive?
Oh, screw it. @CountessMaritza has the right idea. I have extra pie filling in the cupboard and it won't use itself.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@Cawendaw @area@twitter @CountessMaritza @everyone Hearing all your stories is really helpful! I can't help but feel that there may be a correlation between depression and feeling (perhaps irrationally, but feeling all the same) that your autonomy is somehow being taken away from you and because it's being done out of goodness you can't complain. So the only act of autonomy is non-action ie depressive withdrawal. Idk, that may not chime with other people's experiences at all, and of course I'm not for a second blaming anyone's family for their depression. Just something that I have thought about a lot.

Summer Somewhere

@Speaking of cake, I have cake - I've also felt emasculation w/o manparts, and I've never seen another lady person describe that feeling, so I appreciate that you used it! Also, telling yourself that you just need to "grow up" oversimplifies the situation while also shaming you, and neither one of those things is productive. Be nice to yourself, ok?

MilesofMountains

@Speaking of cake, I have cake Don't feel like there's something wrong with you if you want to refuse some of their help. I don't think I would be half as confident as I am if it weren't for all the times I've ended up having to deal with shit on my own, with no assistance, because every time that little mental voice says "you can't do this" and you go out and prove it wrong it gets quieter. It's hard for your parents, too, because my mom has told me that she's gotten off the phone with me or one of my siblings and just sobbed because she wants to go out to whereever we are and help but knows she shouldn't. I think area@twitter is right, start small, but do something and don't listen when that voice says you've fucked it up and should give up, because that voice starts up well before you've gotten anywhere near that point, and don't be afraid to tell your parents that you need to not have their help with something. You're still being appreciative of their generosity, but appreciating an offer doesn't mean you have to accept it when it's not what you really need.

Miss Maszkerádi

@Speaking of cake, I have cake This may be totally unhelpful, as the depression issues I've had to deal with are more "occasional bouts of dreary existential melancholy" than "diagnosable clinical depression" but I reinvented the wheel a few weeks ago and discovered that sports/the gym/exercise is TOTALLY helpful for lifting black clouds. I finally found a form of athletics that is both fun and challenging for me and my mood has noticeably improved even over the last few weeks. Can't hurt, might go a bit toward helping?

Judith Slutler

@Speaking of cake, I have cake Let them pay for things that will help you get to independence, like your license and therapy. I too have been supported by my parents for (imo) far too long thanks to My Fantastic Sparkly Year of Depression 2012, and it sucks to feel like that, but on the other hand they are doing this because they WANT to help you. Therapize yourself until you realize that this is the case (I sob into multiple tissues over my guilt/money issues once a week, so don't feel alone here!) You feel judged and you are judging yourself over things that are out of your control. If anyone calls you a "poor little rich girl" then just hand them a fancy bouquet of STFU because their perceptions of you are not your problem!

Also I realize this may be a loaded suggestion, but have you tried antidepressants yet? I've found them to be really helpful.

area@twitter

@Emmanuelle Cunt oh man, I completely forgot about meds. Yes. Paxil has been a major part of my Surviving Life tactics for fifteen years. (I've got a family history of depression/anxiety/related sleep disturbances, which makes it pretty clear to me that "hey, a lot of this is straight-up biology".) SSRI's don't magically make me feel better, but they keep me more stable and less likely to slide into that hole. They're like snow tires on your car- you still have to learn how to drive in the snow, but they give you more grip to work with.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@area@twitter @Emmanuelle Cunt @CountessMaritza I've been trying a lot of different meds for a while now, and none seem to have any major effect on me positively or negatively. I'm currently on Lustrul which is supposed to help with anxiety too. It doesn't give me side effects but doesn't stop the thoughts racing or doom descending unfortch. I know I should keep trying more until I find one that works but ugh the expense. And with a few honorable exceptions most doctors I've seen seem pretty clueless about mental health. I do exercise (not all the time, but reasonably often) and again
I've not noticed much effect on depression but it's great for other things so I'm happy to stick with it anway.
@MilesofMountains @Summer Somewhere thanks for kind words! I really should get back to therapy and talk about it. I just feel so burnt out with it going on so long that I want someone to present me with the Magic Solution cos all my baby steps seem to lead precisely nowhere. But I do understand that that's just my perception skewed by depression and in reality things are not what they seem to me.

The truth is, and awful as it sounds it is the truth for me, I'm kind of angry at my parents for never just stepping back and giving me space to work stuff out for myself and GASP maybe make mistakes and be broke and have to work out how to survive. I know that's petty and unreasonable, and I'd never say it to them because it's grotesquely unfair, but feelings are feelings and we're allowed think what we want in the privacy of our own heads. They;ve always insisted on me explaining my next life decision to them in full, and insist on paying for it in such a way that I feel like I don't have a choice and somehow my life decision doesn't feel like mine anymore. I've always resented that because underlying it is the assumption in my family that I'm 'fragile' and need extra care, otherwise I'll instantly fall to bits. It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. But yeah, I need to say all this to a therapist. I just wish said therapist would have The Solution, in one neat little package!

Audley

I'm going to be applying to spend a year abroad next year. I've taken seven years of French, so I want to go to a francophone country. My college has programs in Paris and Geneva and I'm having trouble deciding where I want to go. Does anyone who's lived in those cities or studied abroad or wants an excuse to tell stories about when they "lived internationally" have any advice?

Kulojam

@Audley I have lived internationally. But not in those cities. My advice: expect it to be hard, cultural shock is a real thing and I struggled with it. But hard doesn't mean bad, and a study program will probably help alleviate some of it. Whatever you decide will be amazing and rewarding and enable you to being all correspondence with that infamous line.

miss buenos aires

@Audley

Between Paris and Geneva, it is NO CONTEST. I spent a year and a half in Paris, and a few days in Geneva, so I am a little biased, but for me, nothing can really compare to Paris—it is a cliché for a reason. Plus French guys.

Unless you want to go into something like international diplomacy or watchmaking, then Geneva might be the place for you. But you should really do Paris.

Lit Drunkard

@Audley Oh dear. This is a dangerous topic for me.

I moved to Dublin for 6 months (ostensibly for study abroad, but since I transferred out of that school when I got to Ireland… it was mostly exploring Jameson and dancing, while interning for a women’s group) when I was 19. After I graduated from college, I moved to Bosnia for 3 months to volunteer, then Austria for 9 months to au pair. In those time, I was able to travel around quite a bit- Northern Ireland, Spain, France, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Lichtenstein, Italy, Croatia, Slovenia, Serbia, Hungary, Polan, Czech Republic and Slovak Republic.

It’s not Francophone, but I love, loved Bosnia. I’ve had friends who’ve studied abroad in both Paris and Geneva and loved them- but for separate reasons . What opportunities are available to you in each place?

As for most ridiculous story, either wandering into an IRA party in Dublin Easter Saturday (it lined to just before St. Patrick’s Day that year) and becoming moderately worried that we were going to be kidnapped after they fed us alllll of the cucumber sandwiches, or going for a fancy buffet dinner in Budapest with friends, all dolled up, and then realizing it was also ‘all you can drink’, and we proceeded to go to town (families in that restaurant that night, I am sorry).

[sic]

@Audley I've lived in Geneva for a few years and in Paris for the last ten, so obviously, I vote Paris! Unless, as @miss buenos aires said, there's some work-related reason you might prefer Geneva? But otherwise, Paris is better on almost every front: entertaintment, public transportation, even cost of living. Geneva is just so...sedate, in every possible way.

Faintly Macabre

@Audley I live in Paris, internaaahtionally, and it is great! Most of the time. Well, at least half the time. And most of the not-great is stuff you wouldn't really have to deal with as a study abroad person vs. work-visa-holder.

Is it definitely between Geneva or Paris? I studied abroad in a smaller French city and 100% think it was the best choice for me, partly Paris is its own thing, like NYC vs. smaller U.S. cities. However, my friends who studied abroad in Paris all loved it.

I have not been to Geneva, but every person I know who has says it's very expensive. Despite what all my French friends think, except for housing, Paris is actually not very expensive, especially for students.

HOWEVER. I would not say that French guys are a plus. I know two great French guys, and they are a gay couple. But if you are short and smoke and enjoy bizarre SMS conversations, maybe you will like them more than I do!

(If the above makes no sense, it is because it is my bedtime! Anyway, I did tons and tons of research in choosing where I'd study abroad and have lived here for a bit and 9 months in another French city, so I'd be happy to share any potentially useful knowledge.)

Bittersweet

@Audley Do you by any chance go to Smith? I did their junior year program in Geneva. A lot of people preferred Paris, but I really enjoyed the smaller, more "sedate" city. (I also lived with a horrible family in Paris for the first 6 weeks doing language training, so that didn't help bolster my Paris amour.) That's also me, though - I live outside Boston and much prefer it to NYC. Geneva is pretty expensive, but there are a lot of student discounts.

miss buenos aires

@[sic] Oh yes, if you can do a smaller French city, that might be even better than Paris. People are a lot more open in the small towns, and it's easier to make friends and harder to fall into the habit of speaking English all the time.

@Faintly Macabre French guys are great if you are lazy and don't want to do aaaaany work when it comes to getting hit on. When I got back to New York after two years in France, I was like, why are all the guys in this bar just doing their own thing? Why aren't they hitting on everyone? In retrospect, a little gross.

Audley

@Bittersweet I do, in fact, go to Smith.
@all Thanks for your advice, everyone. I do think it's very likely that I would prefer a smaller city, so I should look into whether it would be worth the inconvenience of having to go through a program my school doesn't run.

Faintly Macabre

@Audley Ooh, ooh, do IES Nantes! My school only had a program in Paris, and it was just as expensive as our normal tuition. IES was around half the price and really well-run, and Nantes is so beautiful. Of course, every school has different policies about transferring credits, but it was generally quite simple for me.

@miss buenos aires I suppose that's true, but then it goes too far in that direction! I had my number and a modest, kind of fuzzy photo on my profile on the big housing website here.

A few days ago, this happened:
"hi [Faintly] how re u?" (the rest of the exchange in French)
"I'm sorry, who is this?"
"Amine from Paris and you?" (and he used tu!)
"But you called me by my first name, so I don't need to tell you who I am" (I used vous, obvs)
"lol sorry I was at work when I called you by your first name, now I'm on the train so I don't remember anymore..." (tu again!)

I didn't respond, and a few minutes later he actually tried to call me! Since I've given my number to very few people and he spelled my first name correctly, my friend and I decided that he'd seen my photo and number on the site and thought he'd try using it as a dating website.

Laughable Walrus

@Audley ahhh! As a recently graduated Smithie, I got really excited to see another Smithie on here. For some reason, all of my friends who did francophone study abroad ended up in Geneva, and LOVED it.

Not to discourage you from looking into other programs, but Smith can be very bureaucratic about study abroad, especially considering how much the administration promotes it. Just a heads up that it can be an uphill battle getting them to approve a new program, especially for areas where there are Smith-run programs, because they really like to promote the Smith programs.

Audley

@Laughable Walrus That's the impression I got from looking over their website. Especially since I have to put in an application to do a non-smith program for a year by November 1st, which is almost certainly not happening.

Bittersweet

@Audley Is there a Smith program in Aix, or did I dream that/get it mixed up with another university?

Audley

@Bittersweet Dream/mixup. I suppose it's possible they had one at one time, but I'm certain they don't now.

Hot Doom

@Audley I just came on here to say SMIIIITTTHHHH. I went to Scotland for JYA (through the Butler University forwarding system), so I have no place in this conversation, but my fellow Smithie friends who went to Paris loved it, but what @Bittersweet says about French guys liking girls who are short and smoke and enjoy strange SMS conversations rings entirely true based on my friends' experiences. So there's that. But! I also had friends in Gov't majors who went to Geneva and they also loved it and ate tons of chocolate. This probably does not help at all, but I think both have their advantages.

Now that I'm 6 years out, I can say that where I went on my JYA (and based on the trajectories of my friends who went to Paris, Geneva, Florence, etc), it doesn't matter hugely where you go, it's just the experience of being elsewhere and the confidence of living in another country that makes the difference.

t-square

@Audley Late to the party to say HELLO SMITHIES. Class of 2002 and I did not go abroad - I did the Smithsonian program. I have several friends who LOVED the Geneva program, though - gov and psychology and other majors like that - and I didn't know anyone who went to Paris. Practically useless two cents, I know.

Lily Rowan

Am I getting another cold? I fucking hope not! Although I do hope to spend a lot of time this weekend catching up on this week's tv.

Umlauts

I can't wait for this pleasant weekend to start because I am going to GRAMERCY TAVERN tonight and I can not waaaaait.
It's my SO's birthday, and I've had these reservations for a month and I've looked at the website so many times that I noticed when they changed from a summer to a fall menu.
Have any of you been?? Is it the best? Is there a BETTER PLACE? What are you favorite fancy dining establishments???

Amphora

@Umlauts I've never been to Gramercy Tavern but once wandered into Bemelmen's at the Carlyle on 76th and Madison and had two of their $20 cocktails because they were so delicious. Then I loudly remarked on the grossness of the old man sitting at a table in front of me macking on his twenty-something date. I was also wearing an old t-shirt and jeans. Not the finest hour.

BUT last year for Christmas my husband took me to this super fancy molecular gastronomy restaurant and it was so much fun to pretend to be rich for three hours (many, many courses)!

Briar

I've been trying to make my commute better by listening to comedy albums. I've got Tig Notaro's Live, some Louis CK, and not much else. Last night on 30 rock Tracy mentioned some women comedians but I couldn't catch the names. My question is, who are the women comedians? Or male comedians who don't think rape jokes are funny? Also, I don't have comedy central. Podcasts are okay too, I suppose.
Oh! I forgot, love Gabe Liedman, too.

JadedStone

@Briar PETE HOLMES PETE HOLMES!

His album, impregnated with wonder, is HILARIOUS. No rape, misogyny, or racism.
His podcast is also good, but sometimes I want to shake him. But! He interviews other comedians, so it's a nice way to see if you'll like them too. Podcast is called 'You Made it Weird'

area@twitter

@Briar The Bugle: Audio Newspaper for a Visual World is two hilarious comedians with British accents (Andy Saltzman and John Oliver) riffing on the news of the day. I highly recommend it. ALSO: Hari Kondabolu is excellent. Witty, progressive, and progenitor of what might be the first feminist dick joke I've heard.

laurel

@Briar: Maria Bamford!

Lyssachelle

@Briar Can I recommend Hal Sparks? I found his "Charmageddon" ridiculously funny and I developed a crush on him, even after wanting to punch him on Queer As Folk. (But this is his only stand-up I've heard, so someone let me know if that's not true...)

And there's always pretty much any Eddie Izzard, super smart and hilarious. And stylish,of course, as he IS an Executive Transvestite.

adorable-eggplant

@Briar I like Mindy Kaling, Janine Brito, and Marina Franklin. I don't know if any of them have podcasts, though. But Mindy Kaling does have a book on tape that she reads herself.

Also, I totally second Hari Kondabolu!

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@Lyssachelle Eddie foreva! On a slightly related note, does anyone else think that Ewan McGregor is starting to look exactly like Izzard lately? I really didn't see that one coming

tea sonata

@Briar Dylan Moran. Always Dylan Moran.
Apparently Aisha Tyler does stand up... I believe there is some on youtube.
Also, Shappi Khorsandi. Sarah Millican. There are a good selection of comedians on a show called "Live at the Apollo", a list of which is on Wikipedia, as good a place to start as any.

stonefruit

@area@twitter, @adorable-eggplant third Hari Kondabolu! Plus he's friends with my brother :)

dale

@Lyssachelle Seconding Eddie, whether in English or French! <3

dale

@Speaking of cake, I have cake Ewan is a bit of a chameleon. I made an LJ post years ago where I put photos of him side-by-side with Orlando Bloom, Kiefer Sutherland, and Kenneth Branagh. You would be surprised (or not) at how similar they looked in each set.

Lyssachelle

@dale If you're going to be a chameleon, those are good ones to pick for imitation. (Branagh....*SWOON* I know I shouldn't, but I was influenced at a young age by Dead Again and Much Ado About Nothing...)

Lit Drunkard

@Briar Tim Minchin and Mike Bribiglia are both great, too!

Reginal T. Squirge

Julie Klausner's podcast! And Greg Proops! And Paul F. Tompkins! And James Adomian! I saw James Adomian last weekend and it was one of the best stand-up shows I'v ever seen.

dale

@Lyssachelle He was pretty adorable in Much Ado.

But also in Henry V.

Lyssachelle

@dale I still haven't seen My Week with Marilyn; Branagh as Olivier might make my ovaries explode.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Briar Like @laurel said, Bamford, Bamford, Bamford. Just check out her online show, it's amazing (here's the first episode, it gets better and better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFHmNrxkuFU). Chelsea Peretti. Jackie Monahan. For the boys, like others have mentioned, Mike Birbiglia and the "Male Tom-boy" himself, Eddie Izzard.

alannaofdoom

@Briar - Josie Long!

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@Briar I am seconding the recommendation upthread for Julie Klausner's podcast! She's funny, and she interviews loads of great comedians, so not only do you get a good entertainment value from the podcast itself, you discover a bunch of new standups/writers/etc that you didn't know about!

olivebee

@JadedStone Ohmigosh YES to Pete Holmes! I have seen him live(and met him) twice and he is amazing and so nice! He always just comes across so charming and wholesome (without actually being wholesome but not too vulgar, either), and I love his sense of humor.

Briar

@all
Welp, I'll be busy for a while. Thanks, everyone!

OhMarie

@Briar 90thing Maria Bamford. I also love Jackie Kashian and Josie Long.

frigwiggin

I think my insecurities are trying to take me down with them this week.

tea sonata

@frigwiggin That makes two of us. Lifeboat, where are you.

Danzig!

@frigwiggin innit?

frigwiggin

@tea sonata @Danzig!

What can we do to combat them and show them who's boss?

Danzig!

@frigwiggin One of these days I'm going to die quietly and out of sight. You should find some other method

tea sonata

@frigwiggin Not alcohol. I'm just gonna sleep til I feel better.
Or, y'know. Move to somewhere that has no people. I vote the Moon.

frigwiggin

@Danzig! @tea sonata

Aw, guys. I want to say something to help but I guess that'd be like the blind leading the blind, or some other less-ableist figure of speech.

tea sonata

@frigwiggin I think we could start with a sensual shampoo and go from there. I'd be up for that.

frigwiggin

@tea sonata Good idea! I also want to get some new bras, and make tasty food, and watch a funny old movie with my boyfriend. Because I am easily soothed by small comforts, at least sometimes.

tea sonata

@frigwiggin It's as good a start as any. Tomorrow I get a lie-in, I shall treat myself to some cake, and if it's good weather I'll coax myself to go for a walk, or something different. Small comforts, I forget about them. Which is stupid.

Judith Slutler

@frigwiggin STAB THEM IN THE FACE

frigwiggin

@tea sonata

For the record, I just rode the stationary bike at the gym at work for 20 min (before riding my real bike home, hah) and I actually feel a bit better! It stretched my muscles without making me feel wheezy and awful, and was a good time to just space out and read my terrible YA ghost story book.

tea sonata

@frigwiggin I might give a Pilates dvd a go... if I can manage a whole hour, it'll be more testament to my state of mind than my body.
ALSO. A long-awaited package arrived. Octopus related. Short, sharp relief.

leonstj

I had a dream I was walking down Bleeker Street in slow motion wearing an ill bespoke suit and Neil Young's "Mr. Soul" was blasting out of a million windows.

That's basically it, but it was kind of awesome.

PistolPackinMama

@leon s It's the bespoke suit part that slays me about this dream. I dunno why.

Kulojam

@JessAndNo The Laura Mercier one is pretty damn amazing - the one that comes in a little pot with setting powder? It isn't cheap but lasts a really really long time and is a repeat buy for me despite its price. Also, the little concealer brush they recommend is really really breat and helps other concealers work better. here, the concealer and the brushes are in this kit: http://www.sephora.com/flawless-face-kit-P214230?skuId=1098789

dj pomegranate

OK GUYS. Which couples Halloween costume should I do with bf?
1. The Shining twins (bf in drag)
2. Calvin and Hobbes (I want to be Hobbes)
3. Shipwrecked sailor and siren

Lit Drunkard

@dj pomegranate Calvin and Hobbes. Without a doubt

bitchycrosstownexpress

@dj pomegranate I vote Calvin and Hobbes, partly because of my fondness for them and partly because I was a white tiger once in a costume made out of sweats and it was the most comfortable Halloween ever.

Lyssachelle

@dj pomegranate Calvin and Hobbes. You will get so many hugs....

KeLynn

@dj pomegranate 3

phlox

@dj pomegranate Calvin and Hobbes, but I might have to use shipwrecked sailor and siren another year, because that's pretty awesome.

Chareth Cutestory

@dj pomegranate These are all so good! I kind of love the Shining twins idea, though.

apples and oranges

@dj pomegranate CALVIN AND HOBBES

katiemcgillicuddy

@dj pomegranate Calvin and Hobbes, without hesitation.

lora.bee

OH MY LAND THIS WEEK. I got offered a new job on Monday and accepted!! I am scared and sad to be leaving my current job, but it is the best thing for me right now. SO excited to be working in a field that I am studying!!

And then somehow, magically, I saw a listing for a really nice apartment in my price range, a fifteen minute walk from my new job. When I took a look at it the landlord said it was mine if I wanted it so...I TOOK IT. I'm moving December 1st!

Thank you Pinners for your help when I was asking about interview answers!

adorable-eggplant

@lora.bee Serendipity! That's awesome!

dale

Okay! So to make the week better for everyone, submit your pet pictures to the tumblr! I've been pretty slack about reminders, so, sorry about that!
pinpets.tumblr.com
pinpets.tumblr.com/submit <--super awesome submission page

Remember to select "Photo Post" from the drop-down, and please include your pin name in the text box (it doesn't always preserve the submitter, even if you are logged into tumblr on your own account).

Lexa Lane

Okay, facial care question that I'm hoping people can help with since I fear spending $100 on something that will cause my face pain and suffering: any Clarisonic users who love/loathe it? I have very fair, moderately sensitive skin that (aside from That Time of the Month) is mostly breakout-free, now that I've found things that work for my skin. (I get the occasional monster zit, but who doesn't?) (Yes, I know I'm lucky.) I do, however, have massively clogged pores all over my nose. To the point where it's difficult to see my (quite cute!) freckles because it's hard to tell them apart from the big ugly pores. Do we think the Clarisonic would be a good option here? I've looked at the less expensive versions (Olay, Ulta's version), but I'm wary of them because they don't have a "sensitive" brush, which the Clarisonic does. Thoughts? Experiences? Help, Pinners, I need data!

Passion Fruit

@Lexa Lane I have a Clarisonic, and it has not changed my life. I wish it had, though! If you buy one from Sephora, can you return it like you can all their other stuff? Or can you borrow one from a friend?

thebestjasmine

@Lexa Lane So I have the Olay version and I like it a lot. The brush is pretty gentle, and I use it with whatever cleanser I have. I also have moderately sensitive skin and it's just fine for me. I use it a few times a week, and my skin feels great.

KeLynn

@Lexa Lane - no experience on brushes, but if you are afraid of the cost, maybe eBay? (can you change out the brushes for a fresh one? I know nothing. But eBay is my first thought when I start a sentence with "I fear spending $$..."

Baby Fish Mouth

@Lexa Lane I have sensitive skin and mild rosacea. I stick to the sensitive brush and for the most part it doesn't hurt much but it will randomly cause a rosacea flare up, like once every few weeks. I don't know that is has really reduced the size of my pores but it has helped tremendously with the acne I had and just the way my skin feels. I think for the first 9 months I had it it felt like I was going to the spa everytime I used it.

Baby Fish Mouth

@Wiscowhitney Ohh also, when my skin feels a little more irritated I just use it for less time. Like just swipe it over my face once or twice and that's it and that does the trick. Sort of like tanning the lowest amount of time when you're super pale (not the best example but I can't think of a better one).

Slutface

@Lexa Lane I just started using these fash wash pads I buy at target for $2 and my skin has cleared up a TON in a week. I can't afford the Clairisonic thing and I know it's not the same, but these pad things have made a huge difference.

mirah

I am teaching myself how to knit socks after previously only being an "I can make scarves!" knitter!

A few weeks ago I learned how to make a simple, toque-ish hat (Holla Montreal!). This was the first project I ever did on circular needles. Now I am all about mastering the fine art of sock-making.

So let's talk knitting, i.e. my main relaxation strategy when I am not stressing over my grad program.

What are you crafty people working on? (Any arts n crafts projects welcome!)

polka dots vs stripes

@mirah I'm working on sewing kitchen-ware (placemats, coasters, etc) for my dad and his new apartment! He's all by himself and lonely so I made a set of everyday ones in his favorite colors, and I'm in the process of doing a Christmas set with sparkley gingerbread men.

After that is bibs, etc, for my cousin's to-be-born baby!

laurel

@mirah: I'm a third of the way through my first sock! I suck at knitting but I <3 socks.

mirah

@laurel

Courage, my friend! I learned from a great tutorial here: http://www.cometosilver.com/socks/

I don't have any sock yarn yet, and I suspect it's easier when you are practicing with heavy wool and size 7 needles.

mirah

@polka dots vs stripes

That sounds awesome. Lucky man!

remargaret

@mirah I am making felted wool candy skulls for halloween! Hereis the link, it is so rad i feel the need to share.

mirah

@remargaret

Wow, those are awesome! Felting might have to be my next project now...

professionalmess

@mirah Yay knitting! I am working on the second glove of a set for my dad's X-mas. I'm really excited about them because I never can think of a dad gift, so I just said "What kind of knitted thing do you want?" and at first he was very dad-like "Oh, anything, etc." but then he called back and said "Can you make gloves? I have enormous hands and they do not fit in store-bought gloves."

remargaret

@mirah Yeah! They're super-easy; I shaped (not decorated) 3 of them on my Metro ride today. Going to string them on a necklace for my halloween costume: rainbow barbarian.

mirah

@professionalmess

Hahahaha...did you have to measure his hands first? I assume no store-bought gloves also correlates with no pre-existing knitting pattern for gloves. What color are you doing them in?

Blushingflwr

@mirah I am sad this week because I cannot crochet because I have some sort of RSI situation going on in my right hand.
BUT, that aside, I am working on finishing a scarf for a friend (the leather pride scarf, complete with applique heart). Then I have lots of projects for Christmas presents, and then I want to do a DC flag scarf (I have a Nationals' one I was working on but the curly W is slightly off-center so I am considering starting again). I am also waiting (impatiently) for a shipment of yarn so I can finish a gorgeous shawl that I am working on for myself. And I need to go shopping for yarn (but not till payday) for all of these gifts I am planning.
And then I have decided that NEXT year, people will get handmade gifts for their birthdays, and everyone is just getting a card and maybe cookies for Christmas, because that will be less stressful.

I am also considering teaching myself how to knit, if for no other reason than to be able to make socks. I love crocheting, and I am pretty good at it (I technically sold my first piece two weeks ago, which is to say I donated it to a charity auction and lots of people bid on it) but there are things it is not well-suited for. I also want to learn to sew and embroider. And spin.

Chareth Cutestory

@mirah I recently finished a simple, slouchy, gray seed-stitch cowl this week (my first real knitted thing apart from a headband) and I love it! So, perhaps wayyyy overambitiously, I then decided to tackle learning both lace and double-pointed needles in my next project, these adorable legwarmers: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/some-cloudy-day

I think they would be really easy if I just bought a pair of small circular needles, but none of the stupid craft stores in my area have those, so I am attempting to wing it and learn to knit with dpns. But man, dpns, such a bitch! I kind of got the hang of them, but I've spent most of this week knitting and then frogging my failed attempts.

mirah

@Blushingflwr

Geez, that's a lot of work. I like that you referred to it as stressful because it's mostly the opposite for me!

It probably will be easier to space out your gifts instead of doing them all at once for Xmas. What do you usually make for people?

mirah

@Chareth Cutestory

I've noticed that DPNs kind of suck until you have about 3-4 rows going. Then the circle sort of takes shape and it's easier to manage. Oh, and they also suck when you are decreasing something to stitch it closed (i.e. hat, sock toes, etc.) and you only have a few stitches on each needle. Mine keep slipping right out!

professionalmess

@mirah I made my mom measure various parts of his hand while I was on the phone and then kinda extrapolated from an existing pattern. It wasn't too far outside the largest size (pattern was 9.25 inch circumference and his are 10). So I got to practice math!
I'm making them in some variegated sock yarn, so they are mostly grey, but there's some brown and blue in there too. Manly colors, I guess?

professionalmess

@Chareth Cutestory Those are so pretty! I am awful at lace, but when I see pretty lace things I always want to be able to make them.

mirah

@professionalmess

Yes, sometimes when I'm knitting, I like to think of it as KNITTING: Math for the Rest of Us.

..says the unrepentant former English major.

Chareth Cutestory

@mirah Yes! It does get much easier after a few rows. They're smaller needles than I'm used to so I keep dropping stitches and making other little mistakes I'm not sure how to fix, though. Oh well!

Chareth Cutestory

@professionalmess Thanks! I have zero experience with lace but I just need to have them!

VolcanoMouse

@Chareth Cutestory Was it this cowl?! That's the first (okay, only) thing I've ever knitted! I was immensely proud!

Changeling

@mirah
This week I made my own wallet pattern, because a friend requested a custom wallet. And he was my first etsy sale! Woo! Now I need to make more wallets to have an etsy inventory.

Chareth Cutestory

@VolcanoMouse It was indeed that one!! Isn't it great? I've been wearing it with pride all week.

professionalmess

@VolcanoMouse I seriously read that as "this cow" and was so impressed the the first thing you made was a cow.

area@twitter

@mirah I just learned how to knit and I'm working on my first real project now; it's simple, just a scarf in 2x2 rib, but it's in wonderful soft yarn that's the prettiest shade of purple. And I'm working on crocheting a string bag in awesome multicolored blues.

anachronistique

@mirah I am STILL terrified of socks, so go you, lady!

Currently I am working on a baby blanket for one of my bff's kids who was born... over the summer, because knitting in summer makes me want to die. Even though the yarn is a beautiful sage green cotton. And I just started working again on my first-ever lace project, this scarf. And a pair of gloves to go with it that I'm bastardizing from a couple of patterns and making the thumb and finger tipless so I can use my phone and ipod. Both of those are in a nice soft grey to go with my bright blue winter coat. I apparently have an utter failure to stick to one thing when it comes to knitting.

realtalk

@mirah i have knitted EXCLUSIVELY lace shawls for the past 5 years. it's incurable. I love them.

@all COME JOIN THE HAIRPIN GROUP ON RAVELRY!

mirah

@anachronistique

Try the tutorial I posted above! It's seriously good and breaks down a standard pattern into individual steps for sock-idiots, like me. I have now completed a practice sock of indeterminate size--which I worked from an actual pattern after learning the basics from the tutorial.

Knitting in summer = the worst! It's definitely a winter activity, even here in LA where we had a wonderful 95 F day last week.

mirah

@realtalk

I just joined Ravelry about two minutes ago. How do I find The Hairpin group? Could you post a link please?

Lace shawls are the best! Ultimate granny chic!

mirah

@realtalk

JK...I found it! Woo!

Blushingflwr

@mirah It's not really stressful in itself, I usually crochet about an hour a day , I'd say (either while on Metro or at home watching TV, or both). It's more that the existence of a deadline ca make me sweat a little.
Last year I made a couple of scarves with pictures in them, which were a big hit, so I've got at least two more of those planned for other people. Hats are super easy; I can whip up a hat in an afternoon and I gave at least three of those last year. But scarves can be time-consuming, just because of the length and if I'm doing colorwork, I usually only do that at home, at least until the pattern is done, so that means it takes even more time. But once the color work is done, it's pretty easy to just go back and forth on them whenever I get a spare minute.
My mom's gift is already done, it's a shawl she requested (and a matching hat, b/c I had leftover yarn). My Dad might get a scarf, I'm making some dice bags, and there's at least one person I want to make a shawl if I can find the right yarn. But spacing these things out would be easier on my wallet, too!

rallisaurus

@mirah I am slooooowly slogging through a double knit (arghh double the work!) star wars rebel insignia scarf for my fiance. He usually wants nothing to do with my knitted objects, but he specifically asked for this one and it's already been on the needles for a good six months. I've decided to has to get done by Christmas, HAS TO. I have finished exactly one repeat of the chart and I'm guessing I have to repeat it at least 7 times. Blargh.
Obviously there's a zillion other things I would rather be knitting and a wardrobe (literally!) full of yarn calling my name.

polka dots vs stripes

Pinners I totally thought I squandered a networking opportunity earlier this week but it has been salvaged!! This whole week has been kind of bizarre and it doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon (my psuedo-boss just told us when he finished his project this afternoon he was going to get a drink down the street and we should either "join him or get lost on the way there") but NETWORKING.

Next week will be crazy too (but at least I know it in advance) and it ends with me visiting my dad in Houston which I am super excited about.

Otherwise, Pin-ladies, I do have a question for you: does anyone know of field hockey leagues in Sacramento area? The nearest ones play at Berkeley or Stanford and I love FH but not enough to drive that far. Bueller?

The Lady of Shalott

My boyfriend is a huge video game nerd, and I'm always teasing him about it. (Most evenings we spend on the couch while he plays and I read.)

He got me NINTENDOGS+CATS and let me borrow his DS. Now I am stupidly addicted to this STUPID GAME with my VIRTUAL PETS and I ain't even mad, bro, I'm just addicted. It's so ludicrous that I can't even deal. It's cartoon pets! AND YET I CANNOT GET ENOUGH WTF.

Megasus

@The Lady of Shalott IT BEGINS.

hurts

@The Lady of Shalott i once became addicted to pokemon and when i got flu during this period i descended into a horrible fever dream of wading through long grass and FUCKING PIDGEYS just KEPT JUMPING OUT AT ME

SlightlyOverboard

I'm stuck in a book rut. What's your favorite cheesy chick-lit?

Hellcat

@SlightlyOverboard I just read Mindy Kaling's book. Not exactly chick-lit, per se, but cute and funny and entertaining.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@SlightlyOverboard Marian Keyes is awesome. Actually she's not even that cheesy, some of her books deal with pretty dark topics, but they're all hilarious. I'd recommend Rachel's Holiday to start with: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Rachels-Holiday-Marian-Keyes/dp/0140271791

Lyssachelle

@SlightlyOverboard Leans toward the romance, but I always enjoy Jennifer Crusie. Her characters are funny (in the for-reals funny, not in the "Oh, look, isn't my character so WACKY?!?!" funny), she has great side-characters that aren't boring and she started writing romance as an MFA candidate who was doing her thesis on it and then just fell in love with the genre. It's fun romance, very few pounding heart and pulsing members.

ThisLittlePiggy

@SlightlyOverboard Ooooo the entire "Something Borrowed" series. LOVE EM

Blushingflwr

@SlightlyOverboard I really like Jennifer Weiner. Also Sophie Kinsella.

redheaded&crazy

@Blushingflwr Sophie Kinsella is my favourite cheesy chick lit. Can you keep a secret? SO GOOD. Also the shopaholic books crack me up although I usually make noises of outrage/horror the whole time.

tea sonata

@SlightlyOverboard Kathy Lette is a popular one.
ALSO - The Blonde Theory - Kristin Harmel. Not the biggest fan of chick lit but I quite enjoyed this one!

Hot Doom

Ok guys, I would love to hear some thoughts from others on my current issue with my husband. tl;dr, I know, but halp.
I am from California and my husband is English. I live in England now, and we married here on a shoestring budget last May, with only our closest relatives (ie. one mom each and that's basically it) present and decided we'd have a bigger party for our friends later on, maybe at our first anniversary or a bit later (incidentally, I live here because he is finishing a PhD program here for the next couple years so it seemed better to marry and settle here rather than do long-distance for ages more).
So, he and I haven't really discussed the details of this bigger party at great length because I am unemployed and he's a student, so we really can't afford much at the moment or in the foreseeable future. This week his mum asked us to figure out a date for this party, so people could plan their vacations accordingly, etc, so they could make it. Here's my problem:
He has like 50 family members, and friends and people here in the UK to invite. I have fewer, maybe 30 or so, whom I would like present for a wedding/anniversary celebration. So far, it's being assumed by the husband and his family that the party will be in the UK, because of bigger family/more friends, and people can make it a potluck sort of thing for less of a financial burden on us, yadda, yadda. But it's actually a HUGE financial burden on my friends and family who are travelling here from the US, have to find accomodation, etc. I know it's equally not fair that his large family would have to truck it to the US to party down, but I sort of feel like they have him here all the time, he sees his family and friends all the time, and I'm the one estranged from my friends and family, all of the time. In that respect, it seems kind of unfair to says it's a wedding party, when really, it's going to be a party for his family and friends, but not mine, because my people can't afford to come over.
It basically feels like a one-sided destination wedding, and while he gets to have as many people as he likes, the people I care most about celebrating with won't be able to come. It makes me really sad and frustrated and resentful. This sounds petty, but in a way, I'd rather not even have the party, or at the very least, call it like it's going to be, and say it's a party for his friends and fam. I don't really know how to approach this. I've come out of a hole of depression and anxiety recently, and his mum asking us to pin down a date for the party the other day is triggering those anxious feelings again. I'm just so sensitive about missing my family and friends in the States. I can't afford to go back to the US for Christmas or Thanksgiving, and my fam can't afford to come back here. As a result, this issue feels bigger to me than it actually is, mostly because I feel like I'm missing the major holidays AND my wedding party with the people I care about, and it's making me cry and get all angsty about it, when I should be happy that people want to celebrate. I know I sound all whiny and me, me, me, but it also feels like a happy medium has not been reached.

Agggghhh, how should I try to approach this, do you think?

Blushingflwr

@Hot Doom
1) talk about these feelings with your husband. You guys are a team, this is something you need to tackle together.
2) Maybe work on planning an anniversary party in the UK, and then work on trying to figure out a way to budget so that you can also have a US-based celebration later on (maybe for your 2nd anniversary). Create an airfare tracker or something so you can look for flights you can afford, figure out what time is likely to be least expensive, and then you can have another party (maybe even potluck) when you get to go home to the States. It seems like the reality is that you can't have one party that everyone can come to, so I think the solution is to have two parties.
3) it is totally normal and reasonable to feel the way you are feeling. Living abroad is Hard, even when you are with someone you love. Find ways to make the holidays special for you and your husband, work on building ways to make new traditions with the new family you're building (and maybe also find a group of expats who will have Thanksgiving with you, if you don't want to just let it be any other Thursday in November).

JadedStone

@Hot Doom screw his mom. !! She's probably a lovely duck, but SERIOUSLY? NOT YOUR WEDDING. BUGGER OFF.

What's your husband's feelings in all this? Is he supportive? What does he think?

Here's my gut reaction: His mom is a bit pushy and wants you to be 'officially' married and have the party and put up appearances. I think you need to frame this outside the two of you as a couple and see it more as something she wants to do and you and your dude happen to be the figurine on the cake.
This isn't your wedding. This is her 'coming out' party, or something. You can't afford a real wedding right now.
And in a year, in 5 years, you're going to go to the Dominican Republic and party it up. You're going to invite your friends, and you're going to hit an all inclusive resort with unlimited booze and flan, and it's going to be amazing.
But this thing? This is MIL's thing. You smile and nod and accept the gifts. In the end, being married to your dude is the prize, right? You should hand over the planning to your husband and his mom, and sit back and smile.

If it were a party they were planning, I think you'd be able to enjoy it. If it's something YOU have to plan for people you don't even know? Bugger that.

Judith Slutler

@JadedStone THIS. And start saving money for an American visit, or ask for it for your wedding, idk, make sure that you get closer to getting back for a visit instead of farther away because you are being forced to shell out 1000s of pounds for bespoke teabags or whatever people spend ridiculous amounts of money on for UK weddings.

Hot Doom

@Blushingflwr, JadedStone, Emanuelle Cunt,

Thanks for your thoughts! I think you are all right: 2 gatherings has gotta be the way. I haven't talked to my husband about it in depth, other than we both say things like "oh, so yeah, sucks how our people live 5,000 miles apart, right? Right", but that's about it. I suggested waiting til our 5 year anniversary when I will have a job, and at least be more established, but he wants something earlier. You are also right though, in that we're a team, and it needs to be discussed, because no matter what, someone will have to compromise if we just do the one shindig, minus any holiday with my family. It's just been a difficult year because I moved here for my MA last year (not expecting to be married within the year), and post wedding, I had an entire dissertation to write. My depression and anxiety just spiralled out of control, so I'm even more sensitive than usual about it, which sucks, because newlyweds? Not supposed to be depressed! Ahhhh, international marriages, what are these things!?!?

George Templeton Strong

@Hot Doom Is the mother going to be throwing and paying for this party in England? If you're supposed to pay for it, Just Say No. But before you Just Say No: Do you like your husband's family and friends? Feel really close to them? Maybe they would host YOUR family and friends, if your kith and kin can come up with the airfare. A little cultural exchange, although on current British TV Californians are about as exotic as electric lighting. As a broke college student I attended a few weddings abroad and I always got put up in some household/apartment/dorm room where someone was approximately my age (and sometimes we didn't speak a mutual language) and I always had a blast. Is that an option?

TARDIStime

@George Templeton Strong Came here to say the exact same thing - staying with stranger-friends-family can be totally awesome!

Hot Doom

@George Templeton Strong I'm not sure how much of an option it would be to have my family and friends stay with his family and friends. I have met several members of his family and they have been very nice, but I think there is only so much space they could provide, maybe for one or two people in my fam. We'll see. I floated the two party thing with him over the weekend, and he agreed that that might just be what we need to do. He thinks his mum will help us out financially, but the impression I got was that she thinks everyone will pitch in a little with either funds, food or booze- which would be great, if everyone had money! We shall see! I will probably come back grumbling about this in future FOTs.

KellyStitzel

Eleven months ago, I lost the job I'd had for 8 1/2 years in education marketing (my company closed). I spent 7 months unemployed and worried about what the future hold. Four months ago, I was hired to work as an editorial assistant for a fashion retailer and now I get to write about designer shoes and handbags and I love it. I haven't been this happy in a job in a long, long time. I just needed to put that out there.

miss buenos aires

@KellyStitzel Yay!

sovereignann@twitter

@KellyStitzel Awesome! I love it when life works out!

Megasus

@KellyStitzel Ahhh! So happy for you! Now if only someone would hire ME as an editorial assistant...

KellyStitzel

Thanks, guys! A year ago, I never would've pictured myself doing what I'm doing now. I went from telling kids why they should go to college to writing and editing copy about high fashion. And somewhere in the middle there, I did stand-up comedy. It's crazy. Now, if other areas of my life would come together so nicely.

255
255

@KellyStitzel This gives me hope. I just need to get hired doing something amazing and that will and could happen and it will be awesome.

miss buenos aires

Weekend:

-dinner with old friend who just moved back to town
-book club (The Art of Fielding, anyone want to weigh in here?)
-movie with parents (Seven Psychopaths) and possibly a conversation about Operation Ice Floe (i.e. do my sisters and I need to take out a long-term care insurance policy for you guys?)
-interview with prospective applicant for my alma mater

A nice mix of intellectually demanding and non-demanding activities, I think.

What are you guys up to? Bonus question: what baseball-related snacks should I provide for book club? I am thinking homemade Cracker Jacks, cupcakes frosted to look like baseballs and veggie corn dogs.

Blondsak

@miss buenos aires I adored the Art of Fielding, and I don't even care one bit about baseball. Excellent story, excellent style... I was smitten. Would read it again in a heartbeat, if I didn't have a stack already up to my waist of unread books.

dale

@miss buenos aires
Cat shelter shift, household chores, sewing (I have three major projects on the go), watching a DVD from the library
For Sunday, several hours of local picture-taking, then back home for more sewing, then a new Once Upon a Time ep!

miss buenos aires

@dale Cat shelter, sewing, photography, Once Upon a Time... you are me in an alternate universe where I actually do all the things I pretend to do! Except for OUAT, I do manage to watch that. (But I'm still on Season 1.)

miss buenos aires

@Gussie Fink-Nottle I found it very... novel-y. Especially the end. I'm still not really sure how I feel about it. Definitely well written, but sometimes contemporary literary fiction is too... I don't know that word I'm looking for. "Novel-y" is as close as I can get.

dale

@miss buenos aires The best-laid plans...often get usurped by my partner's ideas of what we should be doing. So you're seeing my idealized list of this weekend, although I suspect to be delayed on more than one part of it by something else.

Danzig!

OH ALSO I'm going to be on a podcast? Choire talked up an Ask Roulette taping a few days ago on his 90-second announcement thing and I was looking for something to do that night so I said "what the hell", showed up, and my number got called. People laughed! But my question was kind of lame (the one I asked, not the one I was asked). Edith was there! She went on after me and she was NOT AMUSED.

I had never even heard of this podcast but I guess I'm now obligated to listen to it.

Reginal T. Squirge

Hook us up with a link if/when it goes up.

Danzig!

@Reginal T. Squirge I will

Danzig!

@Reginal T. Squirge I ended up getting cut (in more ways than one! hahaha ouch) :( but it's here if you still want to hear Edith be awkward - http://askroulette.net/pages/4

Reginal T. Squirge

Yup! Thanks for the link (and sorry you got cut).

KeLynn

One of my cousins always posts shit on FB about family issues (like if a relative is getting divorced or sick or some other awful thing is happening) and I want to slap her across the face. What is happening in and to people in our family is not the business of the entire internet, ESPECIALLY if the person in question isn't on FB (or isn't her FB friend) to know they are being talked about.

But we're not close enough for me to ACTUALLY slap her (verbally or otherwise...) so I just sit here and seethe.

baked bean

@KeLynn Man, I agree. Overshares on facebook are the worst. Slap her.

tea sonata

@KeLynn Absolutely NOT ok. It's inconsiderate, unnecessary, and on top of anything else why does she feel the need to air her dirty laundry in public?

How old is she?

beanie

@KeLynn ooh I have some cousins like that. I'm glad I never have to actually see them in person (since our grandparents are all dead, and our parents are the ones who ever get together), but yeah FB oversharing is a big peeve of mine. My way to deal is to make fun of it to my siblings and mom, who are all older and do not post on FB about personal issues.

KeLynn

@tea sonata - She is 24. Way too old for this shit. I can't decide whether it's just derpiness or attention-whoreness.

@beanie - Unfortunately I have to see her pretty frequently, although I think we mutually dislike each other so we keep it "icily polite." My way of dealing with her nonsense is also usually to make fun of it to my mom, but when it's big issues like that I'm afraid that telling my mom will just make the situation worse, somehow? Like, on top of the awful shit that's happening in the first place, I don't want my mom to have to deal with thinking about how it's all on cyberspace as well.

Sorry if my comments are nonsensical I've been drinking for about 9 hours straight now.

Miss Maszkerádi

Anybody else nervous about the upcoming Downton Abbey episode? I mean, do we really have to accept that that thing that happened last week really happened?

Lucienne

@CountessMaritza Isn't the thing that happened just the sort of thing we've come to expect from Downton Abbey, though? (Julian Fellowes: Gosford Park was so good! What's happened?!) I kind of hope this season it just implodes so that I won't have to watch next season. (But, ugh, knowing me I probably will because I love Mrs. Hughes.)

Cat named Virtute

@CountessMaritza Ahhhhhh, I have so many feels about last week. SO MANY. Just let Edith become an awesome lady journo, please, Downton universe, let me have this.

baked bean

@CountessMaritza Yeah couldn't they make some I don't like go away? Like.... the one who starts with M? I do slightly like that they did something unexpected, I guess.

I get kind of tired of the drama though. Wish it were a less dramatic drama.

The show already makes me mad because of so many miraculous events (people coming back from supposed dead, people learning to walk again after being paralyzed). I was going to be pissed had that event from last week turned into another one.

255
255

@baked bean @CountessMaritza my whole comment just got erased sad sad saaaaad. SO. When I saw the original post I literally said "OH HO MY GOD!" out loud. I cannot accept it. The best of the 3. I mean EDITH?? How am I supposed to caaare?? The Earl has become such a failure that I really do think Cuz Matt needs to take over. Why Mary is being all Queen Victoria "sit around and be bored you can't be involved even though you totally saved the day and I bullied you the entire way you can't possibly have a good idea on your own." She's become quite a lot like Granny but without the wit. I can't wait for the next episode. And I did think all the acting was so wonderful. I was up until 3:30 am I couldn't believe it happened.

Hot Doom

@CountessMaritza I literally couldn't deal with it and quietly wept my way through Lady Grantham's 'alone' chat. Waaaaaaah!

I just want Cousin Violet to live forever, that's all I ask. Otherwise, this drama shit is just too much for me. TOO MUCH.

Amphora

@255 Mary seems to be reverting to her old sourpuss days of Season 1 now that she's married and can safely boss Matthew around. How hard is it to be nice to your sad spinster sister, though?

baked bean

@Amphora Yeah I really don't like her. She is boring and dumb and mean.

Edith is cool I think, I feel for her, and I like that she learned to drive and wants to write and stuff, just wish she could stop being so miserable.

Or they could have made the Earl die, that would have been fine with me. They really could have made anyone die and I'd like it better.

I haven't rewatched the first season in a long time, but has this show gotten more ridiculous? Is the drama constantly less believable? I didn't really like the last season but keep watching anyway because I'm obsessed with the period clothing and stuff, and Sybil.

Lucienne

@baked bean Remember how Robert was a little old-fashioned but basically still good at his job and totally committed to Downton and his family in the first season? What happened to that? If I wanted to watch people being incompetent, I would watch Game of Thrones, come on.

255
255

@Lucienne I am watching the new one now after the worst day. One of the worst of days. I am so happy.

Bloodrocuted

What if you get preemptively invited to your friend's parents' house, to celebrate Thanksgiving, although it is more than a month away?
And a family-oriented holiday?
And about food you don't know a lot about, so what if you can't make anything fitting?

Edit: What if everything culminates in unnecessary panic :(

ThisLittlePiggy

@Bloodrocuted Just say, "omigosh, thank you so much for the invite, I just need to check with my family to see what our plans are and I'll get back to you by Nov. 10." or somesuch.

JadedStone

@Bloodrocuted ...do we want to go, hypothetically?

Blushingflwr

@Bloodrocuted
Follow-up questions:
How close are you to this friend?
Are you an American?
Do you have other Thanksgiving plans?

Bloodrocuted

@ThisLittlePiggy That sounds normal! It's good to know that I have until November 10 to make up my mind.

@JadedStone On one hand, it is a holiday for families, so it seems odd for me to be there. On the other, I selfishly want free food, because I am poor. I would only go for selfish reasons, but is it rude to say no?

@Blushingflwr
I think she is my best friend. However, today was the first I have met her parents. I moved to America a few years ago but originally I am not American. I was going to watch our apartments to make sure no one broke in. I don't have family here.

I'm sorry, I was not clear at all when I first posted. Thanks for your help!

anachronistique

@Bloodrocuted Personal perspective: My family often has extra people showing up for Thanksgiving - we go to my cousin's house, a family whose daughter is friends with her daughter comes every year, and guests have included my friend from grad school who couldn't fly across the country and a painter from cousin's home country who was stuck in New York and whose first Thanksgiving it was. It's a hodgepodge and it makes things a lot more fun especially since we have new people to subject to our old family stories.

So! If you want to go, say "thank you!" If your budget can stretch to accommodate bringing something it's always nice to offer - a side dish if you can cook, a bottle of wine or some nice beer or fancy apple cider if you can't. As far as "fitting," you can always talk to your friend; some people have super traditional meals and will not brook any alteration, others will trade things in and out and might be delighted to see something that's not turkey or stuffing. But there will probably be more than enough food and drink if you can't bring anything. I hope you have a great time.

alannaofdoom

@Bloodrocuted - you should definitely go! I say this as a "holiday orphan" who lives across the country from her family and works for a retail company so cannot go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So I've spent many holidays with families of friends, as an unofficial, temporary memberof the family. Don't be intimidated or stress about it. Ask if you can bring a dish - maybe a favorite recipe from your own family? - or just pick up a pie at the grocery store or bring a bottle of wine. And offer to help with the dishes - they probably won't let you help, but offering will win you major Guest Points.

And that's it! Go have a great time and stuff your face and be happy.

baked bean

@Bloodrocuted Don't feel embarrassed, my cousin has brought her Brazilian roommate to Thanksgiving, and she had a good time. Most families have had extras come over before and welcome them. It's common for people to 'adopt' those who are far away from their family to come and celebrate with them.
As for food, don't stress too much. Ask your friend if the family would be ok with a food item that's not traditional. Dessert of any kind is usually welcomed.

Bloodrocuted

@anachronistique @alannaofdoom @baked bean Orphan twins!
I wasn't sure of the expectations, but it makes me feel better that this is a normal practice. I can definitely bake some kind of pie. Thanks, everyone!

PistolPackinMama

@Bloodrocuted

People do this holiday a lot of different ways. In my family, the brothers and I and SO's and spouses all have the day, without our parents but with their blessing.

We LOVE having strays. People who didn't get time off from a med rotation, friends who have strained relations with family, foreigners who don't have Thanksgiving, friends who live too far away to go home or can't afford it.

It's the best. And we welcome any things people make and bring. But if no one brings anything, it's okay too. It's not like we ever run short. Bring a nice cheese for pre-meal nibbling, or wine, or a bottle of Scotch. Or nothing!

If they asked, they mean it. Being hospitable to people is part of the myth/tradition of the holiday. Go and have a good time.

Faintly Macabre

@Bloodrocuted If they've invited you, definitely go! For most of my childhood, we had Thanksgiving with my relatives up north, and it was JUST my relatives. Most of my extended family is nice, but kind of stiff, so Thanksgiving was kind of boring if my favorite relatives weren't there.

For the past few years, my family has stayed home and had local family and friends over. So much more fun! You don't already know everyone's life stories, and people who've done Thanksgiving can share recipes and stories while people who haven't really celebrated it can learn. And I know other families do it, too--my mom had a heart attack the night before Thanksgiving last year, and close friends who live nearby invited us to their Thanksgiving while she was in the hospital. They had a hodgepodge, too, and it was probably the best way for us to pass that time.

If you're going to bake a pie, I highly suggest America's Test Kitchen's apple-cranberry pie. I made 3 cakes/pies last year, and it was my favorite.

lemonadefish

@Bloodrocuted
Looks like everyone has reassured you about the family and food aspects - I would just like to add that it is in no way early for Thanksgiving invitations - I sent out the family spreadsheet of foods (we do pot-luck, but planned) a month ago. So many logistics! Go, have fun, bring pie.

Bloodrocuted

@PistolPackinMama I didn't realize the hospitality was traditional, but it makes sense with the original story of foreigners and natives eating together. I just won't refuse to leave their house afterwards.

@Faintly Macabre I hope your mother was okay after? That sounds like the best thing to happen in that scary circumstance.

@lemonadefish Spreadsheets, that's impressively organized! I like it.

You are all very helpful for this. I will practice making cranberry pies and bother you for conversation topics when the date approaches.

PistolPackinMama

@Bloodrocuted Conversation! If they are your usual American family (not all are, but if they are) that is dead easy!... ... ... Football! College football, all day. Orange Bowl, Sugar Bowl, Smoka Bowl (I made that last one up).

Possible game of flag football in the back/front yard! Recipes! Tell us about your holiday traditions from home! If you don't know how and they do play a family football game, ask for lessons! Ask younger people (teens, middle schoolers) in the family to take you for a walk around the neighborhood. Bring a deck of cards and ask someone to you a card game/ offer to teach a card game from home. We learned rudimentary Skat from a German exchange student one year. If you have a board game, do the same with that.

Offer to do alllllll the helping with the cleaning. Lots of people will say no. But in our house we recognize "can I help clear the table/ dry the silver" as "can I please do something social and not just sit here?"

In my family, at Thanksibling, we watch a whole lot of Doctor Who or similar television. A whole season, even, if we can manage it. We are not football people.

Faintly Macabre

@Bloodrocuted Yeah, she's mostly fine now, thank you! She is generally healthy/in good shape and got screwed by bad genes, so she bounced back quickly. She got released the day after Thanksgiving, and we had a second Thanksgiving with a whole jumble of people!

Bloodrocuted

@PistolPackinMama Wow, Thanksgiving sounds intense. Fun, though. Thanks for the information on what might happen!
@Faintly Macabre Oh good, that's great!

ThisLittlePiggy

I gave my two weeks notice at my day job exactly one week ago - my last day is Oct. 26. I am glad to be leaving - my office is not a very cheery place, my best work friend quit two months ago, and in recent months I got a new supervisor who basically doubled my workload, with impunity.

The question is, do I have free reign to start waltzing in late at this point? Waltzing out early? Foxtrotting out to lunch? Note that although I worked in a legit office, it's only ever been a day job to feed myself while pursuing art-y things, and my new jobs are in a totally different field - AND I did a swell job in the position during my three year tenure here, so I'm not worried about a bad rec or anything.

Girl Named Jack

@ThisLittlePiggy Ooh, so tempting! I would say if you're not really friends with anyone else at the office, go for it. If you are friends with your soon-to-be-former coworkers, though, seeing you come and go could be a teensy annoying/adding to their misery. In which case, I would just use the extra time you're not working to be on the interwebs, or reading Kindle books on your computer.

KeLynn

@ThisLittlePiggy - I kind of would be worried about a bad rec. Not that they're going to make up things that aren't true, but you don't want the last thing they remember about you being that they were annoyed you weren't taking it seriously.

stonefruit

@ThisLittlePiggy I think you should keep being professional. I totally get the "let's blow this popsicle stand" feeling, but this keeps your side of the street clean, so to speak, and you can leave with a clear conscience.

AKA I am boring.

Lyssachelle

@stonefruit I am also boring, with a nice shot of regular bad luck thrown in; so the one day I go rogue, it'll turn out that my current boss is sleeping with someone in my new field and one day during their pillowtalk, he asks her if she knows anyone worthy of this perfect project he has that will make oodles of money and she thinks for a minute and then remembers that I blew off work to do eat candy in the park and then she's all, "Hmm. No."

I also overthink things a tad...

TARDIStime

@ThisLittlePiggy There was a guy at my office who did the "swan in late, leave early" thing after handing in his 2 weeks.
He changed jobs and then decided he didn't like the new place and came back.
His first day back was very tail-between-the-legs...

remargaret

Going dancing with a cute beardo tomorrow, but I have a question: how do you dance *with* someone? Don't get me wrong, I dance AWESOME. I just don't dance well. It's a lot of large arm and knee movements. Suggestions? Youtube links?
I don't know what kind of place we're going to, so I am just assuming it will be like my last dancing experience, which was a lot of house music.

Lit Drunkard

@remargaret oh gosh, I don't know. I dance the same though- I await the advice of more experienced partner dancers.

Good luck!

apples and oranges

@remargaret The key to my being able to dance without fear and anxiety was realizing that dancing is inherently goofy and everyone looks a little silly, objectively, when they dance, so just have fun and don't worry! Which is easier said than done, I know, but a couple drinks will aid the process initially. And then once you're just in the habit of not caring, you can have a blast! If you're with someone who loves dancing unabashedly (my gentleman fellow is nuts about it), that can help because they'll be excited that you're dancing and not give a flip what you look like.

As for dancing with someone - do all the things you normally do alone but closer and sometimes touching and/or holding the other person. Make eye contact and smile or make faces at them.

remargaret

@kangerine Yeah, absolutely not anxious about it, because that's just the way I dance! I'm very glad to hear that it's other people make goofy faces, because that's pretty much my m.o. in a lot of situations.

apples and oranges

@remargaret One of my dear friends makes fun of me for not dancing with my eyes open 95% of the time.

professionalmess

Pinners, as always I need your help.

As background, I am going to graduate in December (!) and I'm moving several states away literally the day after I get my fake diploma. For the past 3 years, I've lived with my boyfriend, and come December, he is staying in our current city. We haven't talked about what this means for our relationship. When I asked him in August about what he thought would happen, he said "I haven't really thought about it." Since then, whenever I intend to have THE TALK, I chicken out and he never brings it up. For a number of reasons, which I'll spare you, I think long distance wouldn't work.

So my question is when should I make us have this conversation? On one hand, it sucks to spend the next 2 months thinking about "What will happen?" and if we are going to break up, I'm not sure I want to deal with that+finals+graduation+moving all at once. On the other hand, we live together and it'd be very difficult for either of us to find somewhere to go on short notice.

apples and oranges

@professionalmess Oh dear I liked this after sentence one and before the boyfriend-being-in-different-cities scenario.

I think you just need to bite the bullet and talk. I was in a similar situation, not of living together but we were going to be living in far away places for six months. I just felt like a anxious loon worrying about it. Talking helped, even if the outcome wasn't ideal. I'm sorry you gotta go through this though, it is really rough.

(But still, congratulations on graduating)

Jinxie

@professionalmess Oh girl. I am the QUEEN of avoiding Big Relationship Talks* so I know how not-fun they are, but for serious you got to have this discussion with your dude and you need to do it soon. December isn't that far away, and between graduation and the usual holiday stuff you will find many many distractions and you could easily find yourself on moving day having never brought it up. Since you're living together, I assume your relationship is pretty steady/serious; you shouldn't be afraid to discuss it with your partner. Good luck and congratulations! One way or another, everything will be fine.
*Seriously - I've been putting off the "Soooo us as a serious long term thing? Are you into that or no, 'cause as much as I love you, I'm 32 and someday I'd like to not live with roommates and maybe have a kid." talk for a YEAR, I guess hoping Mr. Reticent would bring it up on his own?

tea sonata

@adorable-eggplant Yup! It was Brahms this time last year, and it's all chamber music this year. Looking forward to hearing the Rosamunde Quartet tomorrow afternoon.

tea sonata

@adorable-eggplant Yup! It was Brahms this time last year, and it's all chamber music this year. Looking forward to hearing the Rosamunde Quartet tomorrow afternoon.

tea sonata

@adorable-eggplant Yup! It was Brahms this time last year, and it's all chamber music this year. Looking forward to hearing the Rosamunde Quartet tomorrow afternoon.

tea sonata

@adorable-eggplant Yup! It was Brahms this time last year, and it's all chamber music this year. Looking forward to hearing the Rosamunde Quartet tomorrow afternoon.

tea sonata

@adorable-eggplant Yup! It was Brahms this time last year, and it's all chamber music this year. Looking forward to hearing the Rosamunde Quartet tomorrow afternoon.

tea sonata

@tea sonata SORRY FOR SPAMMING YOUR FOT
I am too keen.

adorable-eggplant

@tea sonata Keen on Brahms! It's understandable.

Miss Maszkerádi

@tea sonata SCHUBERT HUZZAH

Angry Panda

I've been a terrible Pin Pal, because life has been awful lately. Emily R, if you're reading this, I am sending you a letter this weekend, I promise! And I am sorry!

katiemcgillicuddy

Fuck, Marry, Kill. Silver fox edition. John Slattery, Anderson Cooper, Clooney. (I've been playing the last hour and this is the only nice one I've had to decide.)

yeah-elle

@katiemcgillicuddy Fuck Slattery. Marry Cooper. Kill smugface Clooney.

katiemcgillicuddy

@yeah-elle I think I agree. Although, it seems like it'd be really fun to be married to Slattery, but then there's the whole, "not into sleeping with chicks" thing with Cooper, so yeah. And yeah, I still love him, but Cloon-dog really is a smugface.

lisma

@katiemcgillicuddy Fuck Clooney, Marry Slattery, Kill Cooper.
Mostly because Cooper wouldn't want to bone me anyway, in this hypothetical situation.

yeah-elle

I finished a book the other day...not even a new book, a book I was re-reading, and I was so sad that I finished it and didn't have any more to read that I just stared at the wall for about ten minutes. Like a total sadsack. Ugh, FEELINGS. WHY?

JadedStone

@yeah-elle which book???

yeah-elle

@JadedStone David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas. As each of the stories ended, I got more sad, until I finished the last and felt so stupid about it. I knew what to expect, this was my fourth or fifth time reading the book! I was just being silly.

stonefruit

@yeah-elle yeah girl. yeah. I am in the middle of re-reading the last Laurie Colwin book in my collection and I'm already a little wobbly-feeling that there's nothing of hers left to re-read after this.

miss buenos aires

@yeah-elle I can totally understand being sad finishing Cloud Atlas and thinking, "why aren't more books as good as this one?" Because that is how I felt when I read it not too long ago. Maybe try Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell? I felt a little melancholy when I finished that one, too.

meetapossum

@yeah-elle Lorrie Moore's Anagrams makes me cry a little bit every time.

yeah-elle

@meetapossum Ooh, I have that on hold at the library!

@miss buenos aires It's so gooood. Hence the multiple re-readings, haha. I'll look up those titles! Thanks for the recommendations!

@stonefruit Books are totally wobbly-feeling-making. I have never read something by Laurie Colwin and now I can feel a whole exciting new landscape of books stretching in front of me!

etheline.

There is nobody left in my office, and I am secretly watching Bachelor Canada (I know, but) at my desk.
I mean, I COULD go back to my apartment, but it's so messy, and I am so plagued by all-day morning sickness I've had no energy to deal with it. My husband has done a lovely job of taking sole responsibility for the domestic side, but ... I think I'm just gonna hang out for awhile and watch bad tv without feeling the need to be the kind of adult that contributes to the boring, daily household stuff.

Girl Named Jack

@etheline. I am doing the same thing. Half-heartedly poking at this powerpoint thing I'm working on, but basically just hanging out on the thread. It's raining here, and I can't build up enough gumption to actually go out.

etheline.

It's either sad or awesome that my office has become such a refuge. I'll go with the latter.

Lyssachelle

I just had a baby in July and had to put him in daycare at the end of September as I went back to work.
All is fine and dandy, but this daycare is my second choice; I just don't have a good vibe about it. Not a BAD vice, but not a good one either—I'm fine with leaving him there as I'm sure they're not throwing him in a closet, but I'm not sure they're doing that much else and although he's just now stopped being a little blob of a human, I still would like SOME interact, ya know?
The first day I dropped him off (nearly sobbing because I'm stereotypical like that) I really felt like I was dropping the dog off at the kennel for the weekend. And he's fine there, it's just little things; like how when I pick him up he has milk crust on his upper lip most of the time, or how they don't always stop gossiping when I walk in the room to drop him off. I just feel like that's stuff you do when I'm fully entrenched there and you have leeway because I know that stuff doesn't REALLY reflect the care my kid receives; when a new client shows up, you at least fake professionalism for a little while, right? Best face forward and all that?

Anyway, my first choice had a spot open up and even though it's more money per month, we're going to go ahead and switch him. I'm fine with this, happy even, although I've been doubting switching (because what if the new place is worse than the first?!?). But I'm biting the bullet, we're doing it, he starts Nov. 12, end of story.

But now I'm plagued with self-doubt. I hate having to switch hair dressers or doctors and deal with that occasional fall-out, so even telling the front office makes me all wiggy inside. Plus, the "Am I making the right decision?" doubts keep floating in. I'm supposed to trust my instincts and go with my gut because pooping out a baby is supposed to give me superpowers, but my gut told me to sleep in this morning and maybe have some beef jerky and cupcakes for breakfast, so we might not need to trust my gut.

dale

@Lyssachelle Not a parent, here, so grains of salt, but:
I think if you were having, not a bad vibe, but not a positive/upbeat vibe of "hey, babies are awesome and we really like spending our days interacting with them", then it's absolutely okay for you to want to switch. It's your little guy's comfort & brain development, when all is said and done, right? So you've got to feel okay when you leave him there. If this place leaves you feeling "...meh", then wash your hands of it.

Bittersweet

@Lyssachelle Totally agree with dale. Do what you feel is right for your little man. And if there's "fallout" from you switching him, well, that just gives you another signpost that you're making the right choice. It's not in a good daycare's job description to give you grief for making the right choice for you and your kid.

pearlforrester

@Lyssachelle Hi! I'm an early childhood educator, and I started my career working in daycare. You should absolutely switch to your first choice. Your relationship with your child's caregivers is incredibly important. You should feel good about them, and THEY should be actively working to foster a positive, trusting relationship with you. That means wiping his face, no gossiping around you, and lots of interaction during the day!
You are 100% doing the right thing for your family. it's awesome that a spot at the place you like opened up.

superfluous consonants

@Lyssachelle i work in small (though not that small) childcare, and parents switch their kids in and out all the time. unless they're REALLY unprofessional, i can't imagine the front office being anything but blandly supportive. not every place is perfect for every child, you know?

Lyssachelle

@superfluous consonants You guys are the BEST. Seriously, for some reason y'all's comments are more reassuring than anyone else I've talked to. (Does that say more about me or them?) Mostly because everyone else has been all, "*insert advice here* and because you're the mother, so you know best." Because I'm seriously still waiting for this mythical "motherhood" knowledge to snap into place and wherein I don't want to respond with something like, "OH YEAH? Well, your FACE is a mom...." or something equally stupid.

Anyway, I let them know I'm switching (emboldened with your support!) and no major blowback and everything seems as if it'll be fine.
Now I'm just waiting to pull him out of there in the next couple weeks, ESPECIALLY since I found out they used a saline spray on his snotty nose without my permission. (Seriously, it's not a big deal to actually use it, we have it at home. But how about you ASK ME before you apply something you had in your purse directly to my three month old's mucus membranes, HMMMM???? I don't know where that bottle has been and telling me "She didn't let the tip touch his nose" doesn't make me feel better.)

/end rant. Y'all are awesome and thank you for taking the time to comment and make a stranger feel better. I send you big, non-creepy internet hugs!!!!

Bittersweet

@Lyssachelle That mythical motherhood knowledge is just that...mythical. You take a deep breath, do what you think is right, and decide you did the right thing by how your kid is doing. There were some days early on when I tried to remember to tell myself, "My kid is still alive, not seriously injured, has been fed today and has on a clean diaper. Good Enough." Also glad you feel good about your decision!

Thanks also for giving me my new awesome comeback. "I'm in denial? Well, your FACE is in denial!"

geek_tragedy

I got my mix CD this week! I've been waiting all week to write this! I discovered it in my mailbox on...Monday? I think it had been there before but obvs I missed it. So, if you're reading this and your mix CD partner lives down the street from you in a certain east end neighbourhood, thank you so much! The mix was great, and I now heart Frente. Also, lady, you have graphic design skills. I'm dead impressed!

frigwiggin

@geek_tragedy Yay, I'm glad people are still getting their CDs! I'm also glad accidentally pairing up people living down the street from each other worked out, hahaha.

geek_tragedy

@frigwiggin

It was super because I am soooo bad about mailing things. SO BAD. I have the mailing DREAD I guess. And I used to write real letters. Shocking.

alannaofdoom

@frigwiggin Well that's my cue. No whining this week, though! I am calling down the wrath of the Elder Gods of the Internet upon my deadbeat swap pinner. May she be afflicted with daily papercuts and shoes that are half a size too small. It's been 9 weeks, but who's counting?

runner in the garden

@frigwiggin I finally sent mine but never got one :(

Audley

@geek_tragedy I got mine too! The mix cd exchange was a lot of fun.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

Pinners, I am having issues with my mouth. :( I've been having a lot of pain and even went to the dentist, who told me that the pain is not tooth-related. Which...yay! My teeth are not rotting out of my head! But it doesn't help the whole pain thing.

The dentist did ask if I ground my teeth, and at the time I said, no way never! But now I've been paying attention and I realized that I am clenching my jaw ALL. THE. TIME. Hungry? Clench. Tired? Clench. Stressed? Clench. Bored? Clench. When my mouth hurts from clenching my jaw? CLENCH. I've been trying to be mindful of it and relax when I noticed the clench happening, but...what else can I do?

Do any Pinners out there have experience with this? Did anything help? Am I going to need a mouth guard? Should I be going to therapy? (haha, trick question, everyone should be going to therapy) Helllllllllp :(

professionalmess

@sudden but inevitable betrayal I clench my jaw a lot too, mainly when stressed or sleeping. I told the hygienist when I was at the dentist and she said "Oh maybe the dentist will want you to get a mouth guard" but then the dentist didn't, so maybe that's not an answer? Or she just forgot?

geek_tragedy

@sudden but inevitable betrayal

This totes a situation that acupuncture can help with! I would try and see if you can get into a community acupuncture clinic. They're good with TMJ, etc.

apples and oranges

@sudden but inevitable betrayal My dentist told me to try a sports mouth guard and see if that helps because they're cheaper than the dentistry ones. They do wear out more easily if you're a teeth grinder, but maybe it's worth giving it a try? They're not too expensive/definitely cheaper than the other options, just to see if it helps, in case your a sleeping and nighttime clencher!

olivebee

@sudden but inevitable betrayal I, too, clench (and grind a little bit, but mostly clenching), and I got a night guard from the dentist. It is large and unwieldy, but it has never caused me pain or prevented me from sleeping. I am not sure if it's helping my jaw at all since I still have severe TMJ, but at least it's keeping my top and bottom teeth from destroying each other.

remargaret

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Low-profile mouth guards! I was wary, when living with the BF, of looking like a wrestler at night. These low-profile guards are awesome for grinding. For awhile they even helped me sleep, because I knew I could grind away and not be afraid to grind my teeth to dust (like in my dreams).

Megasus

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Ummmm definitely see an orthodontist, particularly one that deals with TMJ, they will be able to tell if you grind your teeth or not (though really, your dentist should too :/)

Briar

@sudden but inevitable betrayal I have the jaw-clenching problem too. What actually helps most for me is wearing my retainers, since mine developed originally because of an overbite. My orthodontist recommended massaging the jaw muscles regularly. Basically, do anything you can you be more aware of when you are clenching, and what you were doing at the time, and then focus on relaxing.

Ellie

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Get a mouthguard. I have really bad TMJ and I have one I wear at night. I have this one. http://www.cvs.com/shop/product-detail/SleepRight-Dental-Guard-Secure-Comfort?skuId=368526 They are pretty expensive and I chew through a few a year (ugh) but it's worth it. You will still have headaches, but you won't grind your teeth flat. It's supposed to also improve the headaches because it discourages grinding/clenching or something but that hasn't really worked on me.

I also recommend acupuncture.

seaview

@sudden but inevitable betrayal A friend who is a physiotherapist gave me a great tip. when you feel yourself clenching your jaw, push your tongue against the back of your front teeth. won't help at night (obvs) but in that annoying meeting, or when you're staring at the computer screen and getting worked up about something...\

sudden but inevitable betrayal

Thanks, everyone...looks like a mouth guard is in my future for sure!!!

This is my new username

Ughhhhh, I just ripped a hole in the ass of my pants while at work! :(

sovereignann@twitter

@This is my new username Oh Noooooo!!!!! I had that happen. I wish I could help you out. That's the worst.

olivebee

@This is my new username Do you have a long jacket or sweater?? I am always paranoid I am going to do the same thing and then not have anything long nearby to put on.

This is my new username

@olivebee I do not. I am just going to rock my holey pants until the end of day and try and stay sitting as much as possible. The day is nearly done. It is in the underbum sort of area so I think it is not super noticeable when I stand? I also luckily have been here for a few years and have decent relationship with people here, so I can kind of just be like “yeah… my pants ripped…”

apples and oranges

After holding out for a long time (aka not ever having enough sex to need it...), I recently started birth control and have been thrilled to not have the horrific side effects I was dreading. knock on wood. EXCEPT for mid-cycle, non-period spotting. Which went on for like a week and a half the first pill pack, barely two days the second pill pack, and now is back with a vengeance the third pill pack. It's as heavy as my periods have been on the pill. I know it takes 2-3 cycles for this to go away, according to the pill people and doctors, but has anyone else experienced this?
(and yes I am going to talk to my doctor. just in the mean time want to know I'm not the only one whose medicated uterus has betrayed her)

cuminafterall

@kangerine You're not! When I started the pill (Ortho Tri-Cyclen), I bled for THE WHOLE FIRST MONTH. It sucked. Then it evened out, then I started mid-cycle spotting. My doc switched me to a monophasic pill (all the "on" pills have the same amounts of hormone, not different amounts for each week) and that took care of it. Good luck figuring it out!

Also the pill isn't mandatory or anything, so if it's causing you agita there's no shame in deciding it's not for you.

elbows on the table

@kangerine i'm on lo lo estrin (hormonal migraine issues; this is the only bc i can take, ugh.) i bled constantly the first and second months - but it completely lightened my period, so much that i couldn't tell (except for the pill difference) what was normal period and what was just spotting. month three i bled for two days, super light (and when i say "light" in all these instances, i mean: too light for anything other than a panty liner - no way could i do a tampon.) this is month four, and no bleeding yet, so we'll see!

This is my new username

@kangerine Ughhhh, I have been having this issue for... awhile. I have tried Tri-Cyclen Low, regular Tri-cyclen, Alesse, and now I am trying Marvelon. I have only just started the Marvelon and i really effing hope if works! Guh, sometimes I hate my stupid uterus!

LindsB

@This is my new username I was on Marvelon for about 7 years before my body decided it had enough and started having a period every other week! Now I'm on Tricyclen and crossing my fingers. I hope Marvelon works for you, I really liked it and wish I didn't have to switch!

This is my new username

@LindsB I hope so tooooooo! I am sick of this bleeding all the time and at random times crap! It is the worst! I am also sick of having to keep going back to the doctor for a different prescription.

dale

I think I have eaten too much candy today.
O.o
(sorry, tummy)

Puppy in a cup

Yay FOT! I've been looking forward to it all week. I'm going to make two posts because the topics are completely unrelated, as you shall see.

I've been feeling very existential the past two weeks. Why are we here? What are we doing? It kind of seems like we just appear- no choice, we're just born and all of a sudden we have to deal with Existing. And everything we do is just to make our own existence (and hopefully that of those around us) better, while we wait for life to be over. This isn't coming from any dark, depressive place, and I'm not religious so it's not a question of doubting faith. I just, have been wondering. Are we just killing time? What do you say, Pinners?

tea sonata

@Fingers Crossed If you're gonna kill time, you might as well enjoy it while you can. I'm not a religious person, mainly because I had a Catholic upbringing, so! According to my calculations (and I don't speak for many, only for myself), if there is no Heaven, then it follows that our lives are not for a set purpose. Ergo, we make our own purpose, and the meaning of life is what you make of it. A scary prospect, yes, but ultimately a more satisfying one.

"There's only one rule that I know of, babies — Goddamn it, you've got to be kind." And Vonnegut was right.

sovereignann@twitter

So...going to Matt and Kim on Sunday and am EXCITED! But I have to work tomorrow which kinda blows but I’ll survive. Work thinks people are stealing time so supervisors and above have to be around if there are others working overtime. Great company, eh? Also, I was wondering…I’ve gone to therapy four times now and I don’t feel like there has been a ton of movement so I want to leave, but I know I shouldn’t. It’s just like weight loss. If I’ve been doing something for X amount of time there should be X amount of results so now I want to quit and have a whole chocolate cake. Thoughts? Because you know…effort when you are depressed and anxiety riddled is not an easy thing. Also I need meds and both my GP and my therapist are either dragging their feet or can’t get it together, I don’t know which. So beware ladies and gents! I think I would tackle you if I saw you with Lexapro!

Cat named Virtute

@sovereignann@twitter Caveat: I have yet to see my new therapist yet (three more weeeeeeks, attempt number three I sure hope you're worth it), but a lot of people have assured me that it's okay to switch if you don't feel a click or see future potential with a therapist, but also that sometimes it's useful to tell your therapist about your ambivalent feelings and lack of results and see what they say. Now, I am a wuss who is working on being afraid of hurting people's feelings all the time, but your therapist is a professional and can and should here it, and also maybe other people have better ideas on how to broach this. Good luck!

Faintly Macabre

After over a month of hunting, I found apartment(s)!! I am in a beautiful little sublet for the next month, then back to friends' couch, and then I move into a teeeeeny tiny apartment (9m2) in a neighborhood that seriously belongs in a movie or children's book. (Little squares full of children in expensive clothes! Cafes with murals! Alleys lined with artists' studios with big picture windows! Cluttered studios and music rooms with small children learning to paint and, grudgingly, play violin! Old ladies walking arm-in-arm!) The only hitch is that I moved all my crap into the sublet today and will still need to move it twice more, but at least it's temporarily preventing me from buying things I don't need!

Judith Slutler

@Faintly Macabre yay woooo that sounds fantastic! Sublets aren't so bad if you know you have a stable place on the way.

Puppy in a cup

Here goes my second post.

What are your favorite snugly-chic sweaters?? I have been searching for a warm sweater that is cozy enough for lounging at home, but "chic" (i'll also accept "presentable") enough to wear out and feel cute on a crisp day. All I can find are one extreme or the other, but nothing that's juuuust right. Any suggestions?

frigwiggin

@Fingers Crossed Ooh, I'm trying to think of an answer to this that isn't a sweater I got at the thrift store. My favorite cozy-and-cute sweaters are soft, with a non-restrictive turtleneck or cowl-neck, and are long enough that I don't have to worry about skin getting exposed when I bend over. [/unhelpful]

lora.bee

@Fingers Crossed I randomly found one at Sirens, for $20! It is one of the long, drapy style ones, with no buttons or anything. I can wrap it around me like a blanket, or wear it out with jeans & boots and feel tres chic!

255
255

@Fingers Crossed Oh man. This question makes me so sad because I always do this thing where I buy something too expensive and then I never wear it. Then one day I start wearing it and it comes to define me but the boutique and the brand no longer exist. So every day I wear it it's like death. I love my loungy chic perfectly 255 sweater. It's right next to me now and the brand is, get this, "sleeping on snow."

WAIT it exists on ebay! Though I don't see my chic sweater, only ugly ones http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_nkw=sleeping+on+snow

frigwiggin

I just got a spam comment on my blog that started out, "Hi, my loved one!" I am feeling lonely enough that I almost kept it. (Sad trombone noise.)

Danzig!

@frigwiggin :( you know I kept some sexts from a truly horrid woman for awhile because I liked to be reminded that SOMEBODY desired me? True story

Cawendaw

@Danzig! I once chatted with an AIM spambot about my anxiety and reverse culture shock in college. It was very non-judgmental, and I didn't have to worry about hurting its feelings.

Danzig!

@Cawendaw give a cat some treats and it will listen to you for as long as you've still got treats

Old Timey Dino

OKCupid question: I'm a short time user but I only ever receive messages from men who are ridiculously not my type (i.e. we have zero common interests), guys who send mass-messages just looking for any woman, or guys who I might be interested in but we're in a different educational/career situation.

I'm a law school grad (not sure about the lawyer part for another month, pending bar results). Am I a super douche for not wanting to respond to men who only have high school educations? Because that's all I've gotten today. Should I just delete my account? I'll just delete my account. Or message men who are apparently out of my league. Gah! Insecurities.

Danzig!

@Old Timey Dino message men out of yr league! It's worked for me, in the out-of-my-league women respond to me. They never stick around, but hey, one of these days right?

Man I am just mopey today

Lucienne

@Old Timey Dino You're probably a lawyer, what kind of dudes are out of your league?

That said, I deleted my OKC account when I realized that even messaging guys I pretty-much liked was a chore.

Old Timey Dino

@Lucienne I'm apparently hideous in the face? I read somewhere that 2/3 of the men on OKC message the top 1/3 of women in terms of physical attractiveness. Based on my own estimation, I'm in the 2/3 of women, so even the men who would theoretically be in my league physically don't respond to me.

I just messaged someone who was LITERALLY PERFECT, like, the guy with a personality spun from my dreams, and he didn't respond. It's not like he was a smoking hottie, either. Just an average attractive guy. It's so discouraging. It's a chore, like you said.

Old Timey Dino

@Danzig! Don't be mopey! I mean, I say that and I'm totally mopey. But you will find your Lady Danzig and she will stay!

MilesofMountains

@Old Timey Dino Message them! However, I noticed that men on online dating sites seemed to dislike being approached by women. I had guys who'd ignore me or turn me down find my profile a few weeks later, not remember me, then message me. I did not date any of them.

Danzig!

@Old Timey Dino That's nice of you to say.

FWIW, I would definitely encourage you to pursue dudes in the bracket of education you want, or at least dudes w/ careers. I'm actually told OKC and the like become much more fruitful as you get older, and it starts being populated with people in stable situations, who know what they want. Part of the reason nothing's worked out for me might be because I am a grad student living like a freshman, and all the women I've dated have been amazing, career-ascendent older ladies (older relative to me at least).

Old Timey Dino

@Danzig! Oh man, yeah, being a grad student is such an awkward in-between place, isn't it? I'm actually still in that position myself because I went back for another law degree. So I still feel like a child a lot of the time (well, not a child, but living like a freshman like you said). So I hear you.

Danzig!

@MilesofMountains I LOVE being messaged. Smart (as in wise) boys like attention. For some reason I've had a few women who've messaged me excitedly and then never return my reply, which is weird.

Old Timey Dino

@MilesofMountains Seriously? That's the dumbest. I keep reading comments from guys online who complain about how low their message response rate is. You'd figure that they'd be all over a woman who initiated the conversation.

Cawendaw

@Old Timey Dino I think you need to be pragmatic (err, as pragmatic as it is realistically possible to be when it comes to your love life; which is admittedly not very pragmatic) and think of it in terms of return on investment. If you have other methods of meeting people and OKC is mostly a net loss in terms of mental energy expended/dates got, it might make sense to delete or temporarily deactivate your profile. If you can message people out of your league with a relatively low investment of emotion/mental energy, do that. But if you get attached to every immaculately crafted message (which is totally understandable) maybe try another method of meeting people?
My story! I was recently in a cycle of "find really great profile->spend too long composing message->send->get one or two responses, then nothing->spend too long wondering whether I was being rejected or whether she was just busy->eventually assume I had said something emotionally shredding and she had cut contact for her own mental well-being->feel terrible and The Worst->eventually feel less worse->start over." My friend pointed out that this was not helping anything and that I should stop. So I stopped. Now I have one less stressor! The end.

Lucienne

@Old Timey Dino Oh, THAT kind of league. I know you know that kind of league is bullshit, but I also know that lots of guys don't. And I think it's an easier trap to fall into online because online you're ruling out the mysteries of physical chemistry - or, rather, postponing them, perhaps forever. It's tough. :/

Old Timey Dino

@Lucienne Oh, I totally know it's bullshit. I made a fake profile, grabbed some hottie's photos from Instagram (I know, creepy, I'm so creepy) and filled out the profile in the most generic way possible. I did not give this fictitious person a personality at all, but she looks 'right.' Completely not to my surprise, the guys who won't respond to my messages do message her.

Maybe, in retrospect, this is why people don't respond to me. They can sense that I am neurotic enough to make a fake profile to test my theories.

Old Timey Dino

@Cawendaw I understand what you mean completely. This isn't my first time on OKC. The first time, I got so sensitive about the lack of responses I was getting that I kept deleting and reactivating my account. This time, though, I'm determined not to let it get to me. I'm forcing myself to keep it up for two weeks and not let it get to me if someone doesn't respond. Or initiate a conversation or whatever. I have to be realistic and understand that I'm not going to find ten perfect guys in 24 hours.

Old Timey Dino

@Cawendaw Also, I'm partly forcing myself to keep it up because I don't have other options. I just moved to a new city and know two people. And I'm tired of sitting in a room with my cats every Friday and Saturday night.

Cawendaw

@Old Timey Dino Yeah, that sounds pretty familiar. I've moved at least once every year since '06, so I feel your pain. And unfortunately I ended up meeting most of my friends/social groups by accident, so I'm not sure how to make things better on purpose.
One thing, though: "Maybe, in retrospect, this is why people don't respond to me." <--please don't go down this road! This road leads only to self-loathing that creeps into other aspects of your life and leads you to question the wisdom and morality of having friends and trying to date in the first place. People don't respond to you for their own reasons, and if you try to psych them out (like I was doing lo so many weeks ago, O! how young I was then in those distant days of September) you only end up hurting yourself and also not increasing the number of dates you are getting.

PistolPackinMama

@Old Timey Dino I decided leagues be damned. I was going to email people I was interested in meeting, and respond to people who seem nice and interesting.

I figure... that means not getting nippy with people who email me that aren't my speed. I don't have to message them back, but hey. Good for them for putting it out there.

TBH, I think people don't act much differently online than they do in real life. Which means dudes are out there pursuing the 1/3 they think are the hottest in bars or wherever people go to meet people. Depressing or reassuring? I dunno, but still.

Also? There are dudes out there for whom (evidently) their top 1/3 is made up of short curvaceous not at all thin red-headed women with short waists and larger than acceptable busts. Not everyone's top 1/3 conforms to accepted mainstream beauty standards. You'll be someone's top 1/3.

And I act like I am everyone's top 1/3. If nothing else, I think dudes who feel entitled to the unattainable for most of beauty standards could stand to run into women who think that kind of attitude is ridiculous and don't mind showing it. It seems to make them uncomfortable, and I am fine with that.

Old Timey Dino

@PistolPackinMama Be my best friend!

PistolPackinMama

@Old Timey Dino But of course!

Old Timey Dino

@PistolPackinMama As I was reading, I was like, "Wait, how does she know what I look like?! What!" Cause we're basically twins. So now I just need to twin your attitude.

Laughable Walrus

@Old Timey Dino I'm trying to work OKC as well, and I like thinking of it as an ongoing experiment in social dynamics. Like in the past I've been too shy be upfront about being attracted to people, but in the safe bubble of the internet where at least things like availability and orientation are clear, it's easier to just test out putting myself out there. Sure, none of the girls I've messaged so far have messaged me back, but it doesn't get to me if I just think about it as a way to try out how to approach someone, which is actually pretty fun. Plus, like PistolPackinMama said, you're bound to be someone's top 1/3! I figure, the more you put yourself out there, the more likely it is that you're going to run into someone who thinks you're the bee's knees that you think is equally fabulous.

Plus in a way it's just interesting to try out being the approacher instead of the approach-ee. Just for reference, I'm a bi girl, and I tend to get approached way more by guys than girls, I think in part because guys are socialized to take the romantic lead. It gave me a lot more respect for what it takes to put yourself out there and message someone when I was the person painstakingly crafting messages to my ideal human being (I get huge crushes very easily) and then never hearing anything back. Gives me some perspective and makes me take everything less seriously - I mean, you really do never know why someone doesn't reply! Attraction is mysterious.

Basically, sometimes it takes some mind games not to get discouraged, but don't give up! You sound like a great person, and it's those guys' collective loss if they're not realizing that.

PistolPackinMama

@Old Timey Dino You are totally welcome to my attitude. And also evidently my shoe and clothes closet, should you need a date outfit.

@Laughable Walrus-- just so. It's hard to remember it's not all about you, even when it is all about you in your head, because dating! I will say, my self confidence and ability to create and enforce boundaries are both much improved as a result of online datin'.

This is my new username

@Old Timey Dino Can also, make the point that it miiiight be worth giving the odd guy who only has a high school education a chance, if they at least seem interesting. I totally understand wanting someone who you think is smart and interesting and has their shit together, and often that corresponds with someone who has a higher education, but there are also terrible, dumb dickwads with fancy degrees. This comes from someone who is engaged to a guy with only a high school diploma, but he is smart and interesting, and reads a crapload, and writes, and has all kinds of weird interests, and I feel like we are on a fairly even intellectual level, so it can happen? Or maybe he is a strange unicorn? That is also possible. ;)

WaityKatie

@MilesofMountains Late on this, but I have this too, on okc. Guys never ever ever respond to my messages. "Like, ever." However, they do often write me a message when I do that star-rating thing to them (they get a notification if someone rates them 4 or 5 stars). So....what is up with that, dudes? Are my messages truly that off-putting? Because it's a definite pattern.

Old Timey Dino

@PistolPackinMama Um. Is your OKC name the same as your handle here? And are you in Chicago? Because I totally just stumbled across someone in Chicago with that name. And I feel so creepy. SO CREEPY.

Danzig!

@Old Timey Dino If the profile pic isn't a lady with a baby in one hand and a gun in the other, preferably with a cigar clenched between her teeth, I will be crestfallen.

PistolPackinMama

@Old Timey Dino Sadly, no, it isn't, and I am not in Chicago. (But I will be for Thanksgiving, and hooray Chicago!) But stumbling on a profile isn't creepy. Is it?

Old Timey Dino

@PistolPackinMama Well, I felt a little creepy for being like, "IS THIS THAT HAIRPINNER? I KNOW, I'LL ASK HER." But since I did it anyway, I should just accept my creepy.

PistolPackinMama

@Old Timey Dino Eh. It would be creepier, I think, to OKC oggle without mentioning it, you know? (I know you weren't being a creepy oggler.) But you know. It's the internet, on a social network. We run into people we know. I hope my Chicago doppelganger is cool!

Old Timey Dino

@PistolPackinMama Oh, she is cool. She's representing pistol packin' mamas quite well.

frenz.lo

My workplace decided that our Halloween theme this year is "Reality TV Personalities," so I need to come up with something recognizable that will not drive me nuts during an active workday. In a perfect world, it can be something I can accomplish without buying a bunch of (any) stuff.
My favorite idea so far is to be Jillian Michaels, and run around yelling "Last Chance Workout" at people. I don't resemble her at all, though.

Danzig!

@frenz.lo get a fake beard and overalls and be a "(wetland creature) hunter"

lisma

@frenz.lo Roll yourself in cat hair and you can be someone from Hoarders.

JadedStone

@frenz.lo carry around a rose and sob.

Lucienne

I turned in my first grad school paper this week. I'm sort of worried they'll kick me out because it was so awful. (But they won't. I mean. Probably. They gave me funding, right, they'll at least try and get a year out of me. Probably?)

Anyway, I also bought bourbon this week so probably they'll cancel each other out.

MilesofMountains

@Lucienne I spent my first year of grad school terrified that they'd realize they made a mistake send me back. They never did, and I'm sure they won't kick you out either.

Lucienne

@MilesofMountains Imposter syndrome is the worrrrrrst. I've been like "oh, THIS is why everyone starts yoga in grad school" since I got here.

elbows on the table

@Lucienne oh man! my very first ever graduate school paper grade was this: √+/√-? (check plus/check minus question mark).

horrific.

Lucienne

@elbows on the table WHAT.

social theory

@Lucienne my professor didn't even grade my first paper. he just handed it back and was like, "um, can you just write 1 or 2 pages with a sociological punch line and tell me what is important." i still got an A in the class. so...hang in there!

wee_ramekin

YOU GUYYYYYYYYYS

D':

The TSG (Taco Shack Girl) moved away to Portland and she's gone foreverrrrrrr (*SOB*).

I will never love again. This ceramic heart has been broken.

Lucienne

@wee_ramekin Out of sight, out of mind!

No, but for serious: condolences. :(

dtowngirl

@wee_ramekin
You seem awesome. You'll find somebody awesome. S(he) may not work at a Taco Shack, however. Maybe check Burrito Barn :)

Danzig!

@wee_ramekin yr gonna love again so hard that you'll look back on yr past sadness and not even recognize the person you were

The Lady of Shalott

@wee_ramekin Noooo!!!!!

Can you find a new, even more adorable girl to fall desperately in far-away love with? Maybe at a Thai restaurant? Or a nice Indian place? (I'm kind of hungry right now.) I'm pretty sure all food tastes better when a super-cute girl brings it to you.

Cawendaw

@wee_ramekin Oh no, even your icon looks sad now! Someone, get the wee_superglue!

I want to join in the reassurance, but I always find messages of comfort and optimism weirdly discouraging in this sort of situation, so I'm going to be contrarian about this:
There is no time to find love because TOMORROW THE EARTH WILL BE DEVOURED BY A GIANT SPACE-SPIDER! There are more fish in the sea and you are awesome and lovable but it DOESN'T MATTER because all of the fish in the sea (and elsewhere) are about to be dissolved in arachnid digestive fluid and swallowed and eventually pooped into the sun!
As you await digestion, writhe in regret knowing that you didn't have the courage to put yourself out there with Taco Shack Girl, and you know that even if doom wasn't approaching on eight spidery space-legs, you would never have had the courage to approach any of the many swoon-worthy women you would have met in the future!
Oh. Wait, you totally did, and you totally would have. Hm.
Ok then, writhe in regret knowing that you would have met someone(s) who would have reciprocated your feelings, and that she/they is/are out there even now, but now you will only be together in the space-spider's stomach! Oh, terrible space-spider! Oh, cruel fate!

frigwiggin

@wee_ramekin

Aw, thus the Saga of Taco Shack Girl comes to a close. I'm glad we got to share it with you.

Cat named Virtute

@wee_ramekin :-(((

Time to rewatch all of Sherlock and have confusing sex dreams about Benedict Cumberbatch?

I'm sorry, I'm no help at all.

Danzig!

@Cat named Virtute what's confusing about sex dreams w/ Benedict Cumberbatch??

I'll tell you what IS confusing: I had a sex dream about my friend last night, saw her butt and when I woke up I was all "whoa she's got a nice butt", but the butt wasn't real, it was made up. What's up with THAT, I ask

PistolPackinMama

@wee_ramekin And so, we await, eagerly and with bated breath, to hear who takes TSG's job... and possible place in your heart/vagina.

Also, you should replace your broken @dieauflaufformchen with one of these:

petite coeur de creme

And you will be @la_petite_coeur_de_creme!

Cat named Virtute

@Danzig! Hahaha, I just feel weird about having sex dreams about celebrities, I guess!

runner in the garden

@Danzig! Don't feel bad; I have had basically the same dream

remargaret

@wee_ramekin Do you ride a bike? Do you go on the social rides there in ATX? (It is one of my favorite places so i remember when people say they live there) Because I always noticed mad-cute girls on the social rides.

wee_ramekin

@everyone

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, sympathy, and affection. I am sure I can patch up this this ceramic heart so it will beat for someone else again, especially since I have such lovely Pin-friends to nurture it.

And @cawendaw, I laughed out loud at your dramatic prediction of my/the TSG's/the world's fate. If we are all fated to meet in the stomach of the Giant Space Spider, I hope that we can meet up somewhere near the duodenum and trade bons mots.

All right, I'm off to heed @Cat named Virtute's suggestion and read some more Johnlock slashfic. Hope you all had a good weekend!

CubeRootOfPi

So as I said in the internet dating post, online dating isn't for me. However, how does one meet people otherwise? I've tried groups, incl. Meetup, but so far meeting both friends and theoretical possible dates has been difficult (scheduling issues, not meeting people that I "click" with, etc.). Getting attention from people who aren't at least 25 years older than me and not creepy would be nice.

Hellcat

@CubeRootOfPi I always ask myself the same thing. I mean, I have a wonderful BF now, and hope I keep him, but what if I couldn't? But what about that Match.com in-person system they now have? I laughed at the commercial when I first saw it because it was worded as if Match came up with the latest in dating techniques -- actually being in public with people -- which seemed to be the opposite of the point of online dating in the first place (I apologize if that made no sense). But then dumb me realized that the events were probably coordinated by Match based on whatever criteria the site uses to match people in the first place. I'm sure the commercial makes it look a lot more glamorous than it is in reality, but I'd probably try it. After thinking it over, it seems kind of cool (I'm also a person who didn't do well trying to gauge potential dates through an online profile and a few e-mails).

lemonadefish

@CubeRootOfPi
I went with make roommates bring colleagues home. worked well for me (but the roommate in question works at an enormous company, so there were many to choose from...)

meetapossum

Pumpkin bourbon cheesecake is now baking in the oven! Is anyone else being lame and staying in tonight?

255
255

@meetapossum MEEE! Not by choice. But I'm trying not to think of it that way.

Lexa Lane

@meetapossum I'm eating microwave brownie in a mug on my couch and watching The Cosby Show. :-)

255
255

@Lexa Lane Wow, you WIN! I still have work to do tonight before I find something on Netflix to stream.

meetapossum

@255 Mine is half not by choice. I don't really have much money at the moment, and I'm trying to save for a trip to England in February, so here I am! Sorry you have to work.

Cat named Virtute

@meetapossum I am! Soooooo nice. I am gonna finish going through the open thread and then get into bed with popcorn and coffee-flavoured porter and watch last night's Parks and Rec and 30 Rock and maybe start watching Elementary. I am SO JAZZED.

PistolPackinMama

@meetapossum HALLLOOOOOOOOO!

I needed a night in to myself in a big way. I made pork roast, Brussels sprouts, roasted potatoes and parsnips, and faux-cassoulet. Which is a lot of food for me and the friend who joined me. But whatever. It was good and now there are all the leftovers.

I am watching Wartime Farm on Youtube and loving it.

255
255

@Cat named Virtute Elementary is great! I am watching it now. I find LL a little rusty but the dude from Trainspotting is entertaining. Not as good as House but the whole set is nicer to look at. Then I'm going to have a peanut butter milkshake.

Cat named Virtute

@PistolPackinMama WHERE YOU BEEN, GIRL? Your food sounds amazing.

@255 I'm skeptical, being a diehard fan of the Cumberbatch version, but whatever, it'll be fun and then I can finally gossip with my friends about it. A peanut butter milkshake sounds AMAZING and I'm jealous.

meetapossum

@PistolPackinMama PPM, so fancy! My dinner was leftover pumpkin mac & cheese. (I'm basically that guy in the Grantland article, except I actually like pumpkin things.)

@CnV & 255 I've heard that Elementary is different from Sherlock in a good way! I've only seen the first episode of the latter, but I feel my internet savvy-ness allows me to form a solid opinion.

255
255

@Cat named Virtute DUDE no one is saying that it can hold any kind of candle ANY KIND to Cumberbatch/Moffat. "A Scandal in Belgravia" was absolutely incredible despite the naysayers about Adler's updating.

I've been losing weight due to the depression so the shake is also unglamorously for an attempt at gaining weight but lemme tell you, adding EVOO to a peanut butter vanilla milkshake is AWESOME. This is after adding more than 4 tablespoons of butter to the entire acorn squash that I roasted and ate. I ATE THAT SHIT. I will sleep like a baby dreaming of it all sticking to my ribs.

remargaret

@meetapossum I stayed in, and did not consider it lame. I started work on my rainbow barbarian costume, made a RAD hand-stitched horned helmet, watched "Tucker and Dale vs Evil," and drank Dales Pale Ale. Stay home on a Friday night and be rad alone, there is no judgment!

Cat named Virtute

@255 I just want you to know that while my proportions were a bit off, I made and ate the shit out of a peanut butter banana smoothie this morning and it was pretty great.

255
255

I am going through a divorce, 2 weeks ago broke up with the guy that followed my husband, my best friend here then freaked out at me a week ago and we haven't spoken, and my other friend here looks to have shut me out since we were chatting the other day when I wasn't paying attention and I think I was a bitch though didn't mean to be, just missed the changing tenor of the chat conversation. I apologized but to no avail. All this will pass but right now I'm lonely and this sucks. Writing about it helps, enjoy my ME time or something. I could go out and make new friends but honestly I should be paying more attention to my work. Advice would be nice, but I just wanted to put this out there. Cheers!

Cat named Virtute

@255 Oof, that is a ROUGH load. Best of luck to you. I certainly hope things straighten up with your friends soon. Hard dude times and hard friend times and hard times indeed.

255
255

@Cat named Virtute Thanks Cat!

PistolPackinMama

@255 Restorative bourbon, lady. Or brandy in apple cider, and documentaries on TV. You sound like you could really use some serious downtime.

255
255

@PistolPackinMama I guess that is a much better way to look at it. That I NEED the downtime, alone-time. And bourbon... I never did get to the BevMo to get me some Basil Hayden's or Four Roses. And there is a lot of PBS I need to catch up on.

PistolPackinMama

@255 Let me suggest Victorian/Edwardian/Wartime Farm or Victorian Pharmacy. Then come back here and we can discuss! They can all be found on Youtube. Or Worst Jobs in History. Or Harlots, Housewives, and Heroines, about women in the Restoration.

cocokins

I became a sustaining member of my local NPR station! For the first time! I've never donated before and I feel really good about it. So, all that guilting during the fall fund drive works.

dale

Okay, fellow Canadians. Do you try to stream shows on ctv's site? Is it me, or do they have terrible, terrible lag in the streaming? As in, every few minutes it stops again. I don't get these kinds of slowdowns on youtube, or anything else, really.

Cat named Virtute

@dale TERRIBLE. I've just given up and switched to more nefarious streaming because it's just too exasperating.

Megasus

@dale Nope, their streaming sucks. CBC's is alright though. CityTV is also alright.

dale

@Cat named Virtute @Megano! Ok - it's not just me then! My g/f asked if it was sucking because we're with Telus, but I said it seems to be ctv's problem.

(I was told a couple of years ago by one of our IT guys that Telus's actual bandwidth shouldn't be an issue, because they're T3 cabling? For whatever it's worth..)

redheaded&crazy

@dale cityTV is good! I only used to watch glee on CTV so I guess I never did it that often. cityTV has all the gooood shows.

now if only it were possible to get hbo. what is the canadian secret to hbo? I know, it's torrenting. BUT I DONT GET ITTTTT

coconuts

@dale I usually just go straight to the not so legit streaming sites because the legit ones either freeze all the time or play too many ads. And the volume of the ads is always so high!

Megasus

@redheaded&crazie There is HBO Canada, (it comes with The Movie Network, and i think The Movie Network still plays some HBO shows? It's confusing). I dunno if they have streaming though. I don't really stream anymore, torrenting usually is much less bandwidth, and I can watch it on my TV.

LindsB

@redheaded&crazie If you have Rogers, I think HBO is now available On Demand. If you don't subscribe to The Movie Channel, you can still watch HBO shows, but for a fee. I think it's something like $6 for 3 half-hour episodes.

Fwuffy Kitty

Is there room in this thread for a sad kitty? I ended my long distance relationship a couple of days ago because things just didn't feel right. I now have a banked-up list of constructive things I should be doing, like cleaning the house and working on my thesis, but all I want to do is curl up on the couch and eat cold pizza and have Feelings. Would welcome tips on soothing the ouchiness.

Cat named Virtute

@Fwuffy Kitty A compromise! Definitely take your dime to eat pizza (maybe warm it up? or not) on your couch and have feelings, but perhaps with a funny movie or show for company (Community is great if you're feeling really wretched or surreal, season 2 or 3 of Parks and Rec for something more gentle and soothing). Tomorrow cleaning while you listen to good music or distracting podcasts or just put more tv on. Then thesis. It'll all get done, but it's okay to take care of your ouchy heart first. I'm sorry about your break up. Hugs to you.

elbows on the table

@Fwuffy Kitty one thing i found about my last major breakup was that i had to allow myself time to be human and have the feels - but to keep it from happening all the time, i basically scheduled it. like, i'd find myself thinking/dwelling, and would tell myself that i was allowed to do that only between a set time of day (say 6-7pm). then during that time, i totally moped, cried, played sad songs, watched sad movies, whatever. but at 7 i had to put it away and get on with Real Life - knowing that the next day at 6 i could do it all over again if i needed to (and i did, for a while.)

elbows on the table

@elbows on the table the other thing: definitely do not do this right before bed. you need something else more benign to distract you before sleeping, so give yourself a cushion of time to do something not-sad right before you sleep.

Lexa Lane

@Fwuffy Kitty Give yourself a designated mourning period where you don't have to be functional. Be a mess. And then start with tiny productive activities and work your way back up to the big ones.

Fwuffy Kitty

@Cat named Virtute Thank you for advice and hugs. Will give it a try, put on some music and just do little bits and pieces of things until it's all done. Hugs to you too!

Fwuffy Kitty

@Fwuffy Kitty And internet hugs to @elbows on the table and @Lexa Lane too! Thanks for helping me get through this.

elbows on the table

@Fwuffy Kitty the greatest comfort sometimes is just time. right? time passes, even if it feels like it won't.

elbows on the table

@Fwuffy Kitty and definitely hugs to you, too!

PistolPackinMama

@Fwuffy Kitty Anchovies on pizza are underrated. Bourbon on sad feelings is never overrated. And being sad on the couch for a weekend before stiffening one's upper lip and killing the thesis is always okay.

255
255

@Fwuffy Kitty I am in the same boat. Sending you lots of yummy food and good tv and good movies and no thoughts of painful relationship emptiness, and lots of relaxation. Gentle on yourself!

par_parenthese

@Fwuffy Kitty I found that I needed, in addition to Time and Grieving, equal parts Truth and Distraction. So I would remind myself of the reasons the breakup made sense and then sit for a couple hours watching silly British television and drinking lots and lots of bourbon, or I'd call a friend and ask them to tell me some good things about me/being single/this decision and then go hang out with another friend and snuggle her baby girl while watching YouTube videos of kittens. Forcing myself to find things to laugh or be happy about was so essential to remembering that as much as it sucked, that breakup didn't define me or encompass my life or the whole world.

Also realtalk: I wrote a lot of shitty morose poetry which helped. YMMV. ;)

elbows on the table

hairpintariat! mr elbows on the table gets home from a two-and-a-half-week trip monday! i am super excited (understatement.) the nature of his job means he takes trips overseas very often, so this is a regularly-occurring thing... never easy, but the coming-home part is always the best ever!

tell me what's happy in your lives?

PistolPackinMama

@elbows on the table Fall weather! And pretty clothes. And nice friends. And smooches with a very smoochable person. Adorable students. Family who are awesome. So many things!

Cat named Virtute

@PistolPackinMama Aha, SMOOCHES! So that's where you've been.

My happy things are Twin Peaks dates with my ladyfriend, regular X-Files watching nights with my pack of undergrad ladies, my wonderful job with great colleagues, red wine and stout-drinking weather, and a fabulous roster of concerts coming up in November.

coconuts

@elbows on the table I have a lot of people trying to help me out right now and it makes me happy. One of my old profs said he would write a letter of reference for me, another has given very specific pointers to make about cover letters, and another is always keeping her ear to the ground in case she hears about any great opportunities. It's really nice to feel like people want me to succeed.

sarantium@twitter

So, an organization I run is eligible for $2000 to spend on a "retreat". We have about four people that reliably show up to meetings. What would do you for a "retreat" if you had four people and $2000 to spend? Since most of the people are really busy, we can't do much more than a weekend. Do Pinners have good suggestions on how to best spend $2000?

(It turns out that for that price, you can get to Napa from where I live, and go to one of the best restaurants in the world (French Laundry). I am seriously considering this option.)

255
255

@sarantium@twitter Esalen?

sarantium@twitter

@255 While the organization in question is a student-run library of science fiction books, it is also made entirely of scientists. Esalen is a bit woo for us.

255
255

@sarantium@twitter So not an actual retreat which = woo, you mean a vacation, a trip. I think the Bay area has tons of fun stuff. I would do something like a rock climbing weekend.

baked bean

Is anyone here a fan of the band Shearwater? I saw them on Tuesday in KC and it was AMAZING!
So yeah, if you don't know them, look 'em up. Their new album, Animal Joy, is awesome.

Preachin' the good word.

Danzig!

@baked bean It's too bad that THOR is no longer with em, but if I got asked to join Swans I'd certainly drop everything in my life to do so.

meetapossum

@baked bean Yes, yes, yes, yay! Also related: Okkervil River and Will Sheff in general.

baked bean

@Danzig! I thought he was still in the band, just not touring with them this time around? At least that was my understanding.

Danzig!

@baked bean AFAIK he's a full-time Swan, but he may very well still record! Still got his roots in Austin.

yeah-elle

@baked bean Yes! Holy crap, this thread! Shearwater, Okkervil River, Will Sheff, Jonathan Meiburg, allll of them.

Antonius Block

@Danzig! Aww yes, I was hoping you'd be in this thread talking about music, because you sent me a marvelous mix for the mixtape exchange, and I haven't responded or sent you a mix back because I'm the worst. So, I'm sorry! I've enjoyed your CD so much, and when grad school allows me a minute to breathe, I will book it to the post office and put a disc in the mail.

Danzig!

@Antonius Block Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Don't rush yrself on yr own mix though. They don't call it "snail mail" for nothing ;)

baked bean

@yeah-elle Dude I was sooo close to Jonathan Meiberg but was too scared to talk to him. My bf went up to him when I was doing something else and talked to him.

255
255

Oh right guys, I am renting the extra room in my apartment if you know someone who is looking for a cheap but beautiful room in the East Bay, SF area. Lots of outdoor space, 2 lovely kitties, garden too.

carolita

OMG, when I clicked on this post, do you know how many comments were on it? 666!!!!!!
I've saved it from the devil by adding this one, the 667th. Phew.
:)

redheaded&crazy

@carolita no carolita, that means you ARE the devil!!!!

Amphora

I made Nanaimo bars for the first time this week, after years of Canadian husband requesting them. Now I'm about toslipintoasugarcoma...

tea sonata

@Amphora I don't know what they are, but I hope my google-fu will be up to it. INTRIGUE

coconuts

@Amphora Mmmmm, Nanaimo bars are my favourite!

Amphora

@tea sonata No-bake cookie bar-type things with a sort of graham cracker layer, then a custardy layer, then a chocolate layer on top. I used a pound of sugar and a half pound of butter for one batch. Hoping they freeze well!

EpWs

@Amphora Don't see why they wouldn't, unless there's a ton of dairy in the custard. They sound delicioussss.

coconuts

I have two things to talk about so I'm going to make two posts. First off, Toronto pinners! I missed the last meetup. Will there be another one happening any time soon? I really want to meet some local pinners!

redheaded&crazy

@coconuts probably! are you in the fb group? that's where most stuff gets posted.

If you have any idea for something you should post it! I have a terminal inability to say no to things so ... yeah.

coconuts

@redheaded&crazie I had no idea there was a FB group. Thanks!

Megasus

@coconuts There will probably be another Hairlequin in a few weeks! But yes, the FB group is where most of the action happens.

coconuts

And now my second post. I just quit a very hellish job. I didn't even make it to the end of my third week. I was afraid of throwing away a paying job in this economy but I was starting to get depressed (for real) and realized it wasn't really worth it, especially since it was minimum wage.

And suddenly it's like, immediately after quitting a bunch of good things have happened. First off, both my parents were completely understanding and supportive. And also I asked my friend about applying to a specific job and she gave me a ton of pointers for my cover letter. Another friend said she is still trying to see if she knows of anyone who might have a relevant job opportunity for me. And one of my former profs who used to work for a great ad agency said that he would write me a letter of reference. I think things are looking up! Heck, I may even try to submit a story on here.

whateverlolawants

I had my birthday and a vacation in one of my very favorite places, New York. I happened to see a fox and the president. I got chatted up by two male models. And those are just the immediate highlights! :)

Unrelated question: does anyone know how to disable the auto-refresh that this site does? I generally use Chrome. I'm looking around the web but can't find anything too helpful.

par_parenthese

@whateverlolawants Oh man, I'd love to know the answer to that too. I listen to my local public radio station all day at work and every time this site auto-refreshes it janks the sound because the internet at work is from 1998.

social theory

tomorrow i will be having an Adult Discussion about whether to start a long-distance relationship. if you have advice for being a proper Grown-up during conversations like this, i'd like to hear it. relevant info: i feel relaxed, hopeful, and i want to do this right/be respectful. i'm taking it as a sign that i'm willing to be irrational/not pragmatic, a rare thing for me.

par_parenthese

I AM SO LATE TO FOT. It always goes up when I'm on my way home from school, grump grump grump.

Two things:
1. I'm 300 pages into Les Miserables and it is out of hand. I thought about posting all the spine-tingling quotes on Facebook but I would LITERALLY GET NOTHING ELSE DONE.
2. I finally found the perfect picture for my profile. WOOOOOOOOOOOO Par_ out.

Cat named Virtute

@par_parenthese Fuck, I love Les Mis, and it gets EVEN BETTER SO MUCH OMG.

katiethegreat

@par_parenthese Ah man, I am about to start reading Les Mis for my skype book club and I am so excited! Which translation are you reading (assuming you're reading it in translation)? I have heard good things about Julie Rose's but not sure how much difference it will make.

par_parenthese

@katiethegreat I'm reading Julie Rose's translation and it's nutso good. Just the bits I've read of other translations make me think they're maybe... not as vibrant? But I want to make out with Julie Rose, because it is so sexy and amazing and beautiful and ADJECTIVES, ALL OF THEM.

PistolPackinMama

MELIS! Is quoted on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me this week. Can't tell if they get she was kidding. Then again, Peter Segel occasionally seems to think people less famous than himself are also less funny, so maybe it was a deliberate not getting it? Nevertheless. I love Wait Wait and MELIS!

Reginal T. Squirge

Is there a link? Hopefully? Maybe? Or is it just in the radio waves ether right now?

PistolPackinMama

@Reginal T. Squirge If it's not there yet, it will go online in the next 12 hours or so.

http://www.npr.org/programs/wait-wait-dont-tell-me/

melis

"That Time Carl Kasell Read My Joke Aloud on Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me and No One Laughed: The Mallory Ortberg Story."

PistolPackinMama

@melis Well, you know. NPR listeners. We are kind of old and conventional sometimes, so there's that opportunity for obtuseness going on. I want to know what intern over there reads the Pin, follows you, and was all "hey... that's... not quite how I would have read it out loud?"

Lily Rowan

@PistolPackinMama That's fantastic!

Reginal T. Squirge

LOL @ "someone named Mallory Ort-berg."

EpWs

@PistolPackinMama I just got my podcast downloaded and FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT.

frigwiggin

Something in the house is emitting a pumpkin-pie-spice smell when there are no pumpkin-pie-spice foods to be had. Could it be...the Ghost of Halloween???

HeyThatsMyBike

@frigwiggin Unrelated, but I bought that cute Target dress you posted in the bargain bin a couple weeks ago (except in turquoise/teal-ish), and IT IS THE BEST FALL DRESS.

frigwiggin

@HeyThatsMyBike Haha, good! Unfortunately for me, the Medium was too small and the Large was too big, so I had to return both of them. It's so cute, though, I'm glad it works for other people!

HeyThatsMyBike

@frigwiggin Oh noooo! Curse Target's wonky sizing! I will continue to wear mine way too often on your behalf.

PistolPackinMama

@frigwiggin I have a little pie punkin in my house, but no pie smell. Maybe my squash is able to transmit his future smell alllllll they way to CA?

HeyThatsMyBike

I realize I am a little late to the party (both with this comment and with its content), but I saw Argo last night. It was so great! I want to read like 30 books on the whole thing now. Especially the part that was so well-explained at the very beginning. I know embarrassingly little about our midcentury involvement in that part of the world, and even those few minutes were both humbling and informative re: the context of why Iran is the way it is today.

Blushingflwr

@HeyThatsMyBike I saw it today too! And yes, my knowledge both of Middle Eastern history in general but also US history from basically Kennedy to Reagan is not very good.
And now I want to read alll the books/articles about this story. And the intro was great, and should be part of the curriculum for everyone.

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@Cat named Virtute Ahhhh have so much fun at Rae Spoon!

mrbuttons

is it really that weird or lurkurish to read the comments but only comment once in a while? i just want to see what other peoples reactions are to things. like advice columns. am i a freak?

Audley

@mrbuttons I do that too. I wouldn't worry about it. It's the internet. It's not like the comments are private conversations.

HitchedUpKids

So I'm commenting for the first time and have no idea if people read things this far down the thread, but yesterday I impulse bought a pair of thigh high wedge heeled blue suede boots, only now I'm kind of getting buyer's remorse. I need some reassurance that the fact I impulsively bought an insanely impractical pair of shoes doesn't make me a bad or irresponsible person. Unless you think I'm a bad person and should return them. I currently value those suggestions too.

redheaded&crazy

@HitchedUpKids those sound incredible! I feel like they will be like a fancy dress, you won't wear them every day but every now and then the perfect occasion will arise and you'll be like YEAHHHHHHH BLUE SUEDE BOOTS.

I wish I could see pictures.

Bloodrocuted

@HitchedUpKids No, that's cool! At one point, you must stop buying things in neutral colors for practicality and start buying your favorite colors for happiness.
I have dark red curtains! I know.

remargaret

@HitchedUpKids Reassurance: you match my blue suede couch! Also you're like 1/3 of the way to a Smurfette Halloween costume.

PistolPackinMama

@HitchedUpKids Hell yeah, blue suede thigh high boots. WEAR THEM! ALWAYS. (I wish I could see pics.) And depending on how high the thigh high part, I can think of all kinds of ways to wear them in the everyday. Grey and black feature heavily in this mix, in my head.

Chrestomanci

@HitchedUpKids Wear them with short shorts. Hot!

HitchedUpKids

@redheaded&crazie @PistolPackinMama
I can't really straight up post pictures, but they're these ones. and they reach to just over the knee, the pictures aren't super clear about that. As for wearing them, I haven't experimented much with outfits yet, because I've had them for two days, but I'm kind of thinking over grey or black skinny jeans with a baggy sweater, or with over the knee socks or tights and a black/ grey/ brown mini skirt. If you guys have any other suggestions I would love to hear them, because I have decided to keep them (YAY), and would love ideas for how to wear them!

anachronistique

@HitchedUpKids Basically the only reason you should regret it is if you can't walk in the boots. Otherwise, WEAR THEM ALWAYS.

Audley

@Bittersweet Dream/mixup. I suppose it's possible they had one at one time, but I'm certain they don't now.

loren smith

Hey, late to the FOT here, but I have a question! What are the iphone/ipad apps you would most recommend? My husband was given an ipad for his birthday and we're not exactly sure what to do with it.

Blushingflwr

@loren smith it depends on what you envision using it for. I have an iPod touch, and I use it mostly for entertainment. I have Angry Birds (of course), a Words with Friends app, Pandora, Hulu Plus, Netflix and NPR apps. There are also some word processing and spreadsheet apps out there if you want to use it for work stuff.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

I'm a little late with this, but hey hairpin what's up, and...

Is 90's-era Gwen Stefani a good Halloween costume or a BEST Halloween costume?

par_parenthese

Once in awhile something happens that puts your problems in perspective. I've been bitching about this and that all weekend. And then my friends' baby died. And now my inconveniences don't seem worth thinking about, much less complaining about. And I'm going to hug every baby I see for awhile.

*sobbing*

This is my new username

@par_parenthese I'm so sorry. Hugs. That is terrible. My friend also lost a baby this year and it is terrible and hard. My thoughts are with you.

255
255

@par_parenthese That is horrible. I am so so sorry. There's nothing really to be said. Thank you for sharing this... I've had some hard times myself and to know that there are worse pains in the world helps, even if I never want anyone to be in that hell.

CubeRootOfPi

@par_parenthese Oh no! I'm so so sorry. Hope she and you are ok.

255
255

It's in no way friday anymore but I don't know where to put this. I think The Hairpin should have election parties! Especially in my town of SF! That's my idea.

fondue with cheddar

@255 That's a great idea! You should definitely post this in the open thread tomorrow!

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