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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

135

For My Daughter, on Her First Birthday

Hey, baby.

It's a little challenging to come up with meaningful advice for you, because you're only a year old. If you were, you know, twelve, I'd be great at this (ignore those bitches! flip 'em off! there is no such thing as a "permanent record," not one that involves grade school niceties, at any rate). I've got your back, though. My cousin and I were talking the other day about how much being a tween sucked, and she remembered that one day she told my mother that other girls were mean to her, and my mother (your gran) said: "POINT THEM OUT TO ME, AND I WILL GOUGE THEIR EYES OUT WITH MY FINGERNAILS." And it really meant a lot to her, even though she didn't want to actually sic my mother on a pack of bitchy little girls. So, just so we have it in writing: point them out to me, and I will gouge their eyes out with my fingernails. Unless, of course, you're the mean one. That must happen! I bet there are moms all over the country who assume their child is sweetness and light, and in fact, their child is a real asshole. Don't do that. There is nothing less important than being popular with idiots in grade school.

Why am I even bothering to say that? It's like in graduation speeches when speakers say "what other people think doesn't matter!" as though this were helpful. I'm sure it would be completely liberating and wonderful to not care about what other people think of you. It sounds like it would be something that might happen to you if you were a character in a short story who had a terminal illness. It's just not plausible. They might as well say "have millions of dollars!" That being said, your best bet is to pick a small cabal of people whose opinions DO matter to you, and then try to live authentically towards that aim. They don't even have to be real. Sometimes I'm at at the supermarket and plan my trip through the aisles in hopes of impressing Sherlock, as portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch. You should try it, you'll never wander through bulk cereal twice because you forgot you needed oatmeal for cookies.

Oh, the body things. I tremble, I honestly tremble to think about the body things. I hope that we are just heads in jars by the time you get there, but since my car's trunk sensor opens even when not in park, despite what the manual claims, it seems unlikely. I do not have an answer about the body things. You are very beautiful, and I will do my very best to always act as though I believe myself to be very beautiful, and perhaps this will be sufficient? Right now you have skin like the inside of a September peach, for what it's worth. I don't know. Let's table this question for another year, maybe I'll have figured something out by then.

Love is very important. Domestic felicity is the most important thing, possibly, that there is? That may not be how you feel, which is fine. And, oh, man, please make sure I don't try to make you be gay just because I'd be so happy if you were gay, so I could be AWESOME about it for you. You're already gay! Or not! Or gay-and-trans! Or straight-and-trans! See how embarrassing I'll be for you? Horribly embarrassing. "Look, I'm hip with the kids and their Tumblrs. Oh, you have something else now? In my day, it was Tumblrs."

You'll loathe me for a bit, it's okay. Maybe we'll go away for a weekend together just as puberty dawns on the horizon, and have a great time, and I'll tell you: "We're not going to get along for a few years. We can't. We have to separate, and then gravitate back together. It's okay. I know you don't mean any of the aggravating shit you're going to say to me. It happens to almost everyone." Let's plan on that?

I promise I'm not going to write about you. I feel like I got a pass on that until you were out of my body for the same amount of time you spent in it. (Gross!) And that's not because I'm a good person, it's because I don't want you to write about ME afterwards. Okay? No books. No novellas. Your potty training stories will go to the grave with me. You're just starting to be a person now. I can already tell a bunch about your personality, which leads me to think that you are not going to wanly wispily drift your way through an excessively bookish childhood like me. Which is great! Be a freaking bruiser, you know? Agitate! Refuse to say the Pledge. Make it hard for me to bullshit you.

But please do be bookish. I go back and forth on this, because your dad is a physicist, and it's made his life a lot easier to be an intensely numerate soul. Jobs and schools and stuff. It would be hard, for me, though, if you didn't cry over books. That's about me, not you. Do both! Or, be terribly attached to books and change the world such that people are all "WHY, A YOUNG WOMAN WHO READS NOVELS! WE NEED HER IN OUR ORGANIZATION TO TELL US ABOUT THE ROLE OF CAPITAL IN HENRY JAMES!"

I hope you are always conscious of how good your life is. You will almost certainly have a better standard of living than 99% of the people who've ever been alive. It's important to think about that when things piss you off, like the Gap being out of your t-shirt size. You have clean water and a college fund and a dog and a cat and two parents who will at least consciously try not to mess you up psychologically. That's a lot! That's a really good deal for you. I have subscriptions to baby sites, and everything. One just sent me an email this very hour called "11 poisons babies get their hands on." Jesus Christ.

Look, I love you very much. I hope you had a nice birthday. We got you an ice cream cake.

Mom



135 Comments / Post A Comment

Anne Helen Petersen

Loved this, Nicole. And the easiest way to make your child bookish, of course, is to just surround them with books that are lovely and let things take their course. (I don't think this will be a problem for you). That's what happened with me and my mom, and suddenly I was 7 and in love with Francie Nolan and The Secret Garden and Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Decca

@Anne Helen Petersen Yes to this! I completely credit my bookish parents for me growing up into the type of person who's all over Hairpin book posts like my life depends on it.

And Nicole this was so, so lovely it made me cry and plan a phonecall to my mother!

Anne Helen Petersen

@Decca PS TOTALLY JUST SENT THIS TO MY MOM.

wee_ramekin

@Decca @AHP Yes, definitely this! My mother cultivated a *huge* collection of books all through out my life (everything from old science textbooks to Roald Dahl to books about the British monarchy), and all of her children are Readers.

My bookish cousin once said the nicest thing about my mother. She told me that she loved coming over to our house and seeing it chock full of books. Her house wasn't like that, and she said that she always admired this about my mom.

Mariajoseh

@Decca @Anne Helen Petersen yes! my mom is/was super bookish and my house was just full of books all the time. Now, everytime someone congratulates her for having 4 well-read daughters she says that it was not A PLAN. Just the only way she knew how to live(my granpa was The Most Bookish)

frigwiggin

@Anne Helen Petersen

Plus, introduce her to the library! Some of my most vivid memories of being a kid are going to the library with my mom every week and smelling the library smell and reading most of the books in the children's section but being intimidated by the largeness of the non-children's section (and then upgrading finally and reading most of the books in the SF/F section).

Angry Panda

@frigwiggin +1 on going to the library with your baby. My mother took me to hers and set me off on my journey to being bookish.
Plus, you can totally be a physicist and be bookish at the same time!

Anne Helen Petersen

@Angry Panda My mom used to take me to the library (around age 2-4), put me in a chair with a pile of books, and go find her own books for the next 30 minutes. 1983: before baby stealers were invented.

wee_ramekin

@Anne Helen Petersen insert SVU CHUNG CHUNG noise

kellyography

This was lovely!

@Anne Helen Petersen I do hope that strategy works for Nicole, but it really didn't for my little sister(s). I was always at the library as a kid and read several books a week, and under the same influence of our mother (another bookworm), my little sisters just kind of don't care about reading, especially now that they're in high school. One refuses to read at all outside of school, and the other maybe picks up a book every once in a while, but isn't a voracious reader like I was/am. Sometimes, kids will just be who they are.

ayo nicole

@Anne Helen Petersen Yes, books & the library! We had tons of books, in almost every room in our house, and I was determined to read every single one. My mom also took us to the library all of the time, and signed us up for the kids' book clubs, and I thank her for that all of the time.

cocokins

@Anne Helen Petersen YES! The library! It's a wonderful place, and they usually start out with programming for kids as soon as they are born (Infant Storytime...my favorite part of the day!). Some libraries start when kids are 1 or 2. It's a great way to meet people in your neighborhood, and it's a great way to get your kids to love the library.

cinnamonskin

@Anne Helen Petersen my mom took me with her to college classes in a little frame backpack, and her favorite story to tell is how I ate books at the bookstore. So, literally devoured them.

Emby

This made me just text my mom, even though it's not my or her birthday. Just made me grateful. Thanks.

julia

The body things is a thing I dread about future children. How to protect them from the body things. It seems like you have a good start, so let me know if you figure it out.

SarahDances

@julia In conjunction with actual talking about it, I plan on lots of trips to the banya/Korean spa/whatever I can come up with so that they grow up knowing about the infinite variety of human bodies and that all of them are wonderful.

sarah girl

@SarahDances Hell yes! I love when parents bring their little ones to the Korean spa, it gives me such hope for how those kids will turn out.

SarahDances

@Sarah H. Even as an adult, as someone who has been bestowed with a lifetime supply of body image issues, this is one thing that helps keep the Body Feelings Balrog (thanks, Megan Dietz!) quiet. "See? This is what human bodies actually look like. And so is this, and so is this, and so is that, and oh so much more. You are fine."

SlightlyOverboard

@SarahDances Okay, I'm not from the US and my culture is pretty much cool with nudity (you know, in changing rooms! showering at the gym! where you're doing completely normal things that just happen to include nudity) and once I was at a spa. I watched a fully grown (American tourist) woman lock herself in this teeeeeny tiny bathroom in her bathing suit and emerge fully clothed. I felt so sad for her.

Verity

Happy birthday to your daughter! This is a lovely message. She is very lucky to have you as a mother.

sugar cubism

This. Oh this is so lovely. You're a really good mom, Nicole! Seems to me that you're quite lucky to have one another.

wee_ramekin

I DO A LOT OF THINGS* in hopes of impressing Sherlock, as portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch.

*Like, all of them.

frigwiggin

@wee_ramekin Thinking about it in this moment, he would probably find me extremely contemptible, what with my sieve of a brain and utter inability to remember not to leave my keys in the front door. Sigh.

wee_ramekin

@frigwiggin I just try to be super-BAMFy all the time, like John Watson as portrayed by Martin Freeman.

mari d

@frigwiggin
Me too. My fantasy is telling Sherlock my mystery-problem and getting all the way through the explanation without him shouting "BORING"!

Bittersweet

@wee_ramekin I can't even tell you the number of times I rewound the DVR and re-watched that scene in "A Study in Pink" when Watson plugs Evil Bad Guy through the window and then steps out of view. I kind of wish he'd had more chances to be that BAMF in ensuing episodes.

wee_ramekin

@Bittersweet I also wish he were more BAMF-y! It's extremely attractive to see mild-mannered Martin Freeman go into beserker-mode. Let us have high hopes for Season 3!

Lexa Lane

@wee_ramekin Oh, you *know* he's going to punch Sherlock when he finds out he's alive. I mean, I'm looking forward to the rest of the episode (START FILMING ALREADY, PEOPLE), but mostly I just want to see him punch Sherlock.

wee_ramekin

@Lexa Lane Well...punch him and then make angsty, passionate love to him, yes.

Renleigh

@wee_ramekin I feel bad that Nicole wrote this lovely post and I just wanna be all SHERLOCK! But yes. Punching and sweet, angry sexing.

Nicole Cliffe

IF YOU EVEN KNEW THE POST I AM WRITING FOR YOU AS WE SPEAK.

wee_ramekin

@Renleigh Hahahaha. I felt a little bad, but then I figured that Nicole probably feels the same way or she wouldn't have mentioned him.

It probably *would* be impertinent to link to any Johnlock slashfic on this post though, so I will refrain (*just...barely...*).

antarcticastartshere

@wee_ramekin Sherlock fandom makes me sad I'm an adult and it's probably not appropriate for me to spend my time making fanvids out of Morrissey songs.

Also I am going to be Sherlock for Halloween squeeeeeee.

Renleigh

@wee_ramekin I can only hope that whatever Nicole's working on WILL be appropriate for Johnlock slash links. Because I do not get enough opportunities to discuss this topic in real life and it is kind of ridiculous how much time I spend thinking about this.

polka dots vs stripes

Re: how good your life is

This is so true, and so easy to forget - I've had a rough week or so, and laid in bed last night and just thought about how lucky I was to even have the types of problems I was having and how, really, I have a pretty good life.

This was really lovely Nicole, happy birthday to your daughter!

nonvolleyball

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

russell brandom

Obligatory Randy Newman reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCa8YSxP0Tc

Also, lovely!

sarahmarian

Beautiful, Nicole! She's a lucky gal.

dtowngirl

I love this. I wish all children everywhere had mothers who wrote beautiful things like this, or even mothers who wanted to write beautiful things like this.

frigwiggin

Awwwww. I am going to text my mom because we haven't talked in a few days.

Also, I never went through a rebellious phase as a teenager, and I never really had any problems with my parents, or fought with them or anything. I feel a little bit like I missed out on some great life thing by being the easy child (my brother was and continues to be the difficult, worrisome one).

This is my new username

@frigwiggin Neither did I. I got along fine with my parents as a teenager. I was however a MONSTER as a toddler. I was that kid throwing loud fits in public places, with my poor mother dragging me out to the bathroom/car/home depending on the circumstances.

simone eastbro

@frigwiggin I don't think you missed out. I think your parents did a good job of helping you to separate yourself from them and individuate, a little at a time, so you didn't need to rip yourself away later.

SoBeana

Lovely!

And remind her to play with everyone at the playground! My preschool son always find someone to play with there, but as he gets closer to elementary school age girls drop him the second another little girl steps foot on the playground.

evil melis

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NICOLE TWEENS AREN'T REAL

lyzl@twitter

I love this! Happy birthday, baby!

Gwdihw

Don't worry, Nicole: you and your baby really *are* beautiful!

HereKitty

Nicole, it's a couple of days from my **ahem**th birthday without my mother, and this beautiful, wonderful letter makes me remember to appreciate her even more than I miss her.

Happy birthday, baby, from one daughter of an awesome mom to another.

TheBelleWitch

This is so great; I was trying to pick out a part I loved to highlight but I love it all.

Also, I would like to lobby for more references to Sherlock, as portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch, on the Hairpin and the internet as a whole really.

cherrispryte

@TheBelleWitch You need to come to Tumblr. The Sherlock abounds.

TheBelleWitch

@cherrispryte Oh my. Unlike Nicole, I am clearly not hip to the kids these days and their Tumblrs.

wee_ramekin

@TheBelleWitch Oh Jesus. Take cherri's advice and GO TO THERE. You don't even need to have your own Tumblr; I don't. SO. MANY. GIFS.

That? That's from Tumblr.

AniaGosia

@TheBelleWitch Oh my. I just keep looking at this.

TheBelleWitch

@wee_ramekin hellooooo

fondue with cheddar

@wee_ramekin I never understood all the love for Cumberbatch...until this gif.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@wee_ramekin The little lip twitch...ungggg. I need a minute.

wee_ramekin

@fondue with cheddar Yeah, Benedict Cumberbatch is an attractive guy, but I think he photographs poorly. I sympathize, as I am also not as unattractive as every photo of me that exists would lead one to believe. When viewed in Sherlock - or any time he's on camera, really - it's easy to understand his appeal.

Renleigh

@wee_ramekin Hey, this is the exact gif I used to convince my friend he was attractive! Now to spend a few more minutes watching it.

topanga_lives

@wee_ramekin

photographs weirdly but OMG his voiiiicceee

benedictcumberbatchreadingthings.tumblr.com/
highlights: Jaguar ads, Ode to a Nightingale, The Little Red Hen

fondue with cheddar

@wee_ramekin Yeah, I'm the same way. When I look in the mirror I think I look pretty decent, but in pictures? D:

@topanga_lives Wow, that's a sexy voice. Suddenly I feel the intense desire to buy a Jag-yoo-ah.

cherrispryte

@topanga_lives !!!!!!!!! thank you for posting this tumblr!!!

wee_ramekin

@cherrispryte GIRL. If you haven't listened to his 'Ode to a Nighingale' yet...well, you haven't lived. *shivers*

Reginal T. Squirge

Don't you mean, "We bought ourselves an ice cream cake that you will have a tiny piece of"?

cherrispryte

Please stop making it so hard for me to be a curmudgeon re: babies.

evil melis

@cherrispryte She's just gonna keep having cuter ones, you know. Like some sort of horrible, charming, Russian nesting doll scenario.

TheLetterL

This is beautiful, Nicole. And look! She's standing up, like a little Rory Calhoun!

honey cowl

Wow, I love this. So sweet and lovely.

ListenMaudie

This is lovely. You are a great mom! :)

The part about not getting along for a while but coming back together made me sad, though. My mom still tells me how "she lost her best friend that day" when I said I didn't want to go to a craft fair with her. I needed to figure out whether I wanted to do stuff like that for myself or because she expected me to. Even after I figured out that I wanted to go with her (a year or two later), she would never do stuff like that with me again. It still makes me really upset because she has never forgiven me, so it's really nice to hear that you won't hold it against your daughter. It makes me feel better, in a weird way.

wee_ramekin

@ListenMaudie :(

dontannoyme

@ListenMaudie Oh Maudie. That's so sad. But you needed your space and good for you for knowing that and being cool enough to come back as well.

permanentbitchface

Nicole,

Will you be my mom? This gave me all the sads about my mom. But I am so happy for you and your daughter, you are amazing and she will be too.

Kaitlin Solimine@facebook

Beautiful, and so true. Sending to my mom, and hoping one day I can be as great of a mom as you clearly are.

sam.i.am

Oh God. In the future I will have to explain Tumblr to my children. I don't know if this will be easier or more difficult than explaining what "Teen Spirit" is and why it matters that Kurt Cobain smelled like it.

Pyxis

@sam.i.am I'm a little worried about having to explain to my future kids why their mother wore pink skinny jeans with vans and a checkered belt. It was cool, I swear!

City_Dater

Look at that little girl standing up and being adorable! She's going to be fine -- her mother gives good advice.

(I hope we are NEVER heads in jars, though.)

fondue with cheddar

I don't have kids and don't plan to, but sort of wish I did and that they were gay so I could be awesome about it for them. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this way!

Bebe

@fondue with cheddar I also do not plan to have kids, but I always thought I'd be awesome with either a child who was gay or a teenage daughter who got pregnant. But hey, I have nieces and nephews and the children of friends - maybe I'll be awesome for them some day?

fondue with cheddar

@Bebe Yeah! My niece and nephew have it made if they're gay because they've got a gay uncle too!

SarahP

Nicole if you're not going to write about your baby anymore, does that mean we won't get to look at those awesome apple-y cheeks anymore? :( :( :(

AnnaBarenina

@SarahP Hairpin petition for Baby Number Two?

Roxy Throatpunch

My daughter is a year and a half and this is...just so great. It's so HONEST. I mean, I don't have any good answers about the body things either and I'm glad I have at least another couple of years before I have to find them. There are so many Mama blogs (ugh, hate "mommyblogs") - that I LOVE, don't get me wrong - where Mamas say lovely and smart and wise things about the body things and I feel like...but aren't you just fucking terrified about this? All of this, all the time?

I'm glad you shared this, is what I'm saying. Happy birthday, baby, and happy birthday to you too, Nicole. Realizing that we all survived the first year was kind of major for me, so I hope you're feeling good about it also.

Bebe

The pre-puberty weekend away and talk thing just made me call my mother and apologize for basically everything about myself at 13. Again.

Bittersweet

This was so lovely, Nicole, and encapsulates a lot of my thoughts about my daughter...who is now approaching the mythical tween era.

It also reminds me that I kept a journal for my daughter from ages 1-5, chronicling her growth and recording the ridiculously cute things she said. I'll have to get it out and share it with her now that she's almost 10. *sob*

paddlepickle

"And, oh, man, please make sure I don't try to make you be gay just because I'd be so happy if you were gay, so I could be AWESOME about it for you. " Hahaha, this is EXACTLY how I'm going to be. I am really excited to have kids for a lot of reasons, but a big one is that I'm really stoked to not even suggest the slightest expectation of what gender they'll be into, just ask stuff like "so, any crushes on anybody at school?"

Maryaed

I hope you write one of these every year so she can read them all later.

ayo nicole

This is so heartwarming. Thanks for sharing, Nicole.

She was a retail whore

Nicole, I cannot believe your baby is already a year old! What excellent advice you give. I'm 31, and my mom is still incensed on my behalf for the general shoddiness of another member of my Girl Scout troop. Seriously. It's been 25 years, and my mom would totally wreck this girl if they were alone in a dark alley. So, while reasonable daughters always turn down this offer, I know that I appreciate knowing that my mom always has my back, and I'm sure your daughter will feel the same way. Unless she tells you to start gouging. I'm not sure what you should do then.

ipomoea

You are so much more beautifully literate on your kiddo's first birthday! All I did was rhapsodize about the epidural after I had my third Pimm's cup and he'd gone down for a nap.

And oh man, Nicole, your daughter is ADORABLE. I kind of think they're all bruisers at this age, though? All the babies of a certain age (1-1.5 years) that I know all act like they're bulletproof and auditioning for Jackass. Why are you eating that? How did you get up there? Do not exit the couch ass-first!

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Petrus69

@fondue with cheddar Yeah, Benedict Cumberbatch is a gorgeous man, however I think he images poorly. I sympathize, as I'm also not as unattractive as every photo of me that exists would lead one to believe. When considered in Sherlock - or any time he is on digital camera, really - it is easy to know his appeal. test webcam

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