Close-Reading Your Boss’ Brief Emails: A Guide for the Anxious

“What do you do / with a B.A. in English? / What is my life going to be?” -Avenue Q

Yay, thank you!

You are crushing it. Or your boss is 22 years old, but you’re probably still crushing it.

Thank you!!

Your boss is very happy with you, but is also in a rush. When bosses are in a rush, they take the time to hit the exclamation mark at least twice. No one knows why. “Things are crazy!!!” “It’s a circus here today!!!!!” “I’ll be here until nine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Etc.

Thank you!

Business as usual. Well done.

Thanks!

Mildly-positive, but mainly neutral. You are unlikely to be fired in the next six months, but you’re also not, like, a rainmaker, or anything.

Thanks.

You should stop reading this website at work. And start eating at your desk. And send three work-related emails a week from your phone prior to eight am or after seven pm.

Ok.

Buy a Suze Orman book, start figuring out how to roll your 401(k) into a Roth IRA.

Okay, thanks.

Can you break your lease? Most people do, it’s not actually that big a deal.

Okay.

Roll your 401(k) into a Roth IRA. If that is not the kind of job you have, steal all the pens/ketchup packets. If THAT is not the kind of job you have, walk across the street to the unmarked car and tell the Feds you’re interested in entering witness protection.

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