Friday, October 5, 2012


Being Tom Hanks

"Most days, he can be found at the local McDonald’s using an internet connection to post online appeals, while drawing the sympathy of doting locals, who have been circulating petitions to get him back home. He’s living a sweaty Pacific island version of “The Terminal,” the movie in which Tom Hanks plays a traveler who loses his citizenship and is stuck in an airport."

Oh, man, let's get that guy a state to call home. No one wants to be Tom Hanks in The Terminal. Hey, there's a thought! Let's figure this out.

We Would Be Happy Being Tom Hanks in...

1. Real life (obvi)
2. Splash (sign us up!)
3. Bachelor Party (oh, to be young and carefree and a little gross again)
4. Sleepless in Seattle (eventually)
5. Apollo 13 (if we knew it was gonna work out)
6. That Thing You Do (peppy!)
7. You've Got Mail (even before you win Meg Ryan's heart, you have a lot of money)
8. The Da Vinci Code (you're super smart and your cardio would be through the roof by the end)

We Would Be Sad Being Tom Hanks in...

1. The Terminal (obvi)
2. Philadelphia (you would get to hook up with a young Antonio Banderas BUT...)
3. The Green Mile (you would not get to hook up with a young Antonio Banderas)

4. The Bonfire of the Vanities (bag of dicks)
5. Joe Versus the Volcano (it gets better for him, I guess?)
6. Saving Private Ryan (can't even WATCH the Normandy landing without a Xanax)
7. Cast Away (do not want)
8. Road to Perdition (too much rain)

We Can't Really Tell if We Would Be Down With Being Tom Hanks in...

1. Forrest Gump (can we talk about how the secret message of Forrest Gump is THE COUNTERCULTURE WILL GIVE YOU AIDS? Be bumbling and sweet and things will work out?)
2. Big (we're leaning towards "would be happy," but it's tough to say, right?)
3. A League of Their Own (it seems like you'd have to put in a few decades of being a sad drunk person before Geena Davis gets you back on track, and then you never hook up with her anyway)
4. Toy Story (being a toy is a little too "Velveteen Rabbit" for comfort)
5. Toy Story 2 (debating whether you would choose immortality is pretty rough)
6. The Polar Express (uncanny valley)
7. Toy Story 3 (again, surprisingly heavy decision-making for a plastic cow-person)
8. Cloud Atlas (biding our time on this one)

99 Comments / Post A Comment


There is a movie of the Bonfire of the Vanities? Is it good or terrible?


@SarahP Ugh, nevermind, looks terrible.


@SarahP Never seen it, but it's notorious for being horrible. It was that generation's Waterworld (that is an ancient reference... I'm not sure what THIS generation's Waterworld is).


@Megoon John Carter of Mars, maybe?


@Megoon OMG, in high school German Club we tried to watch Waterworld in German. The teacher was kind enough to realize her mistake in less than 30 minutes and just let us play with gingerbread.

polka dots vs stripes

@SarahP I tried to watch it....managed about 30 minutes. It's terrible.

Lush Life

@bitchycrosstownexpress Speed Racer? But, yeah, John Carter cost more than twice as much, so probably. Although I liked it just fine!


@Lush Life
Ditto; I know John Carter is the equivalent, numbers-wise, I thought the movie's quality was pretty okay, as opposed to the not-so-okay waterworld. I've been wondering if Battleship makes a better comparison, but didn't that one eventually turn a profit after all the global markets are factored in?


lol, this is hilarious.@l

Emily Rae@facebook

One thought: In Forrest Gump it is not cancer I do not think.......


@Emily Rae@facebook Right? I thought it was AIDS...?

Nicole Cliffe

Ugh, and I was so attached to the alliteration.


@Nicole Cliffe Do we really think that's what the hidden message of Forrest Gump was? It wasn't "Having a shitty dad who beats and sexually abuses you makes you liable to make poor decisions about life/men"?


I rewatched it as an adult and realized that: the hopeful ending is when liberal America dies of AIDS, leaving stupid-yet-brave-and-entrepreneurial America to raise their intelligent symbol of the future.

I was like, "You have it backwards! It's the liberals who have an unrequited love affair with conservative America!" Hence the trucker hat.


I mean, you're probably extraordinarily right. (Didn't mean to be argumentative as much as excited to not be alone in my overly political interpretation of films.) To be fair, I also saw The Big Lebowski as hopeful story about how Generation X could end the culture wars. ("Walter, this is not Vietnam!") I rewatched that recently and the optimism saddened me.

Beatrix Kiddo

@Sorbee I thought so too.


@Sorbee Mind = blown.

fondue with cheddar

@Emily Rae@facebook His mom was cancer.


I remember reading somewhere that the producers did want Dottie and Jimmy to hook up in A League of Their Own, filming at least a kiss scene. Related: the IMDB trivia page for the movie is kind of awesome. I remain in awe of Geena Davis.

Gracefully and Grandly

@TheLetterL I love A League of Their Own (clearly). I never knew the older Dottie and Kit were different actresses - I always thought they were just Geena Davis and Lori Petty in make up. Something I just learned from the trivia page!


@TheLetterL She's pretty great....as is anyone who starred in Beetlejuice, aka one of the greatest movies of all time.


@TheLetterL You know, when I was younger, I was really sad that they didn't consummate anything, but now that I'm older, I really like that they didn't have the main female character compromise her morals/marriage just to provide some romantic fodder for viewers.

The Lady of Shalott

@iknowright Beetlejuice is so great! Whenever people say things that aren't true like they WANT them to be true, I have to bust out with "Saying things doesn't make them true! Life is not like Beetlejuice!" and NO ONE EVER GETS IT.


@Gracefully and Grandly But I think they use Geena Davis's voice? Maybe? That's what I heard.


@The Lady of Shalott I'd get it! Another one who loves a League Of Their Own. (I thought it was the same actresses in makeup too!)


@Gracefully and Grandly I watched the shit out of my League Of Their Own VHS as a kid. It's still one of my favorite comfort movies. I love that they had all the real players at the end.


@iknowright She is totally fabulous and inspiring - award-winning actress, Olympian, Mensa member, feminist, and activist (for which she has received an honorary doctorate). You know, no bigs or anything.

@schrodingers_cat Oh, it is one of the very best comfort movies.

many things do not fly

As a You've Got Mail aficionado, I have to say, I would not want to be Tom Hanks in that movie (or at least the first part). Parker Posey as the worst girlfriend ever? Having to live with your cranky dad on a boat? I would take Dave Chapelle as a best friend, however. Hmm...


@many things do not fly "Patricia makes coffee nervous."


@many things do not fly I thought they had their own boats.
A friend and I watched that about two weeks ago and decided it's a cute movie, but creepy if you think too hard about it.


The Money Pit: No
Bosom Buddies: YES!


Turner & Hooch: Yep!
Volunteers: Nope!
The Burbs: Double nope!


@SuperGogo We bought my totally stoic dad the DVD of "Turner & Hooch" for Christmas last year, after remembering how much he liked it when it first came out. He laughed so hard he cried.


@Shanomalous@twitter Have you ever seen the movie that inspired "Money Pit", 1948's "Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House"? It stars Carey Grant but is disappointingly depressing and unfunny. Accidentally or subversively, it's a window into several problems of the era.

all the bacon and eggs

Bag of dicks. Absolutely.


Philadelphia = haz a sad.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

I've been so annoyed at his casting in Cloud Atlas that I completely forgot I ever liked him in anything. Thanks for the reminder, Nicole...!


That Thing You Doooooooooo yes please give me a 60's pop group to lord over.


@eraserface I want something peppy, something happy...I want something snappy!

Ugh, I could go on. That is in the running for most quotable movie of all time. I put it up there with the Princess Bride and the Big Lebowski.

Pariah Carey

@eraserface I read somewhere that the original script was much longer, and included more Tom Hanks character development (including, if I'm not mistaken, allusions to homosexuality, and the remaining scrap of that plotline is his somewhat fraught relationship with lead singer Jimmy that cannot be wholly attributed to Jimmy being a dick).


@Pariah Carey Interesting. Jimmy's still a giant dick though. Who wouldn't want to get with Liv Tyler, like all the time? I hope the original script also involved more Charlize. She is surprisingly hilarious in that movie (i.e. to laugh at, obvi)

polka dots vs stripes

@eraserface I am not even ashamed to admit I a) own that soundtrack b) it is always on my ipod (my ipod can only hold like, 1/8 of my music at any given time) and c) regularly listen to it to perk myself up at work.


@yrouttasight "There he goes, off to write that hit song, Alone In My Principles."

@Pariah Carey There is a scene on the director's cut where Mr. White and his boyfriend/partner are leaving the hotel just as an extremely drunk Guy returns from the jazz club. It is amaaaazing.


@anachronistique "Oh, I'm not here with these fellas. I got a pig in competition over at the livestock pavilion, and I am gonna win that blue ribbon!"

Now see, you got me going.


@Pariah Carey @anachronistique This is exactly the sort of thing I usually know, how did I not know this. Who am I, now?

Reginal T. Squirge

@Pariah Carey @anachronistique @Lucienne

The deleted scene bf of Tom Hanks is former NFL player/current commentator Howie Long! It's a really sweet scene!


@yrouttasight No no, keep going!



@eraserface "See, you gotta be quick! You gotta be quick with me! I'm from ERIE, PA!"


@SongToSing Table nineteen, your pizza is ready.


@yrouttasight Preeeeesidential flash cards?


@lisma "Asshole... just broke his arm..." AND THEN THAT WHEEZY LAUGH


@SongToSing They're marionettes, that's what they are.


@lora.bee "Hey, isn't that our fan?"


@SongToSing We got movie stars in my hotel!


@lora.bee "They're musicians, actually."


@SongToSing Not too early in the day for one of these I hope?
I'm thirsty!


@lora.bee @SongToSing As in I wonder what happened to the oh-need-ers.


@alamuzmo Which reminds me, how you sleepin?


@alamuzmo We're not the Wonders, we're Cap'n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters.


@anachronistique Well, they are one of my musical influences.


@lora.bee "So, how long have you been working here?"

"How long you been wearing such tight pants?"

"If that's a pick up line, we're a match made in heaven!"


@SongToSing "Skitch....how did we get here?!"

"I have brought you here sir, for I am Sparticus."


@yrouttasight "Good news, guys. You get to keep your outfits."


@yrouttasight With other stars of the Playtone Galaxy.


@lora.bee "You're talkin' gibberish!"

(Sidenote: I say this quote alllll the time. I don't think anyone ever gets it, lol)


I just saw Apollo 13 on TV the other night and it is so good, you guys.
My boyfriend: "Wow, you're really into this, aren't you? You know how it ends, right?"
Me: "Yes! But I like seeing HOW it happened!"

The Lady of Shalott

@whateverlolawants I have Apollo 13 on my computer and I'm ashamed to say how many times I've seen it. No, I'm not even ashamed. IT'S GOOD.

polka dots vs stripes

@The Lady of Shalott I have it on my computer, on DVD, and I WILL stop what I'm doing to watch it on TV. That, and Clueless. I still get nervous about whether they'll make it back in!

I am ashamed to admit however, that it was only yesterday that I realized Apollo 13 Ed Harris and Game Change Ed Harris are the same person.


@whateverlolawants I've seen that movie at least two dozen times and it's suspenseful every time! That movie is The Best Movie. Tom Hanks! Gary Sinise! Ed Harris! Baby Kevin Bacon! "He'll be home on FRIDAY!" Magical. I watch it every time it's on TNT.

The Lady of Shalott

@Mira And it's SO QUOTABLE! Surprisingly so! "I don't feel like cleaning up. Let's sell the house." "Okay."



Brings me to tears every time.


@The Lady of Shalott Ugghhh, I know! "Are you boys in the space program, too?" Apollo 13 is kind of a flawless movie. I'm totally unashamed of my love for it.


"If they could get a washing machine to fly, my Jimmy could land it."

The Lady of Shalott

@Mira I KNOW I KNOW. "Why 12?" "...it comes after 13."

LIKE LIKE LIKE going to watch this brb


@Dancercise "...was it the door?" KILLS ME DEAD.


"This'll be the worst disaster NASA's ever experienced."
"All due respect, sir, I believe this is going to be our finest hour."


Reginal T. Squirge

I re-watched it for the first time in a while about a year ago and I just kept thinking, "I can't believe they got Hollywood to put all this money into such a nerdy movie."


@polka dots vs stripes Also the same Ed Harris from The Right Stuff!

The Lady of Shalott

I watched Apollo 13 today and IT WAS JUST AS GOOD AS IT ALWAYS IS, GUYS! Watch it.


As long as I never have to be Tom Cruise.

Pariah Carey

Being Tom Hanks in Catch Me If You Can? Ehhh, maybe? If you want to make catching one check forger your life's work? His glasses are pretty sharp, though.

Reginal T. Squirge

Those glasses are my glasses!

Best username ever, too, btw.

Pariah Carey

@Reginal T. Squirge Thanks! Everyone here is so punny, I just couldn't stick to my usual username fare. Also, were it not for superstardom, I really believe Mariah Carey would be kind of unable to function within many of society's parameters. I mean, have you seen her MTV Cribs episode?!


slightly off-topic, but a couple years ago Forrest Gump was on TV & I had it on in the background--& then it ended, & the Terminal came on, & I turned the volume down.

this resulted in what I like to call Forest Gump 2: And Then, Sadly, He Spent the Rest of His Life in an Airport

dracula's ghost

kind of emo that The Terminal is based on a real life story of a guy who lived in Charles de Gaulle airport for like 26 years. He finally left in 2006 only because he was taken to the hospital. I assume he is dying horribly of eating nothing but McDonalds and pain au chocolat for 26 years.

so this post relates a real-life nightmare to a movie about a similar nightmare, but it turns out that movie is based on another, even worse, real-life nightmare! ULTIMATE NIGHTMARE


darker wikipedia page


dracula's ghost

@dracula's ghost And in the real-life version of The Terminal let me tell you there is no charming love story involving Catherine Zeta Jones and the funny Indian man from Rushmore acting as a hilarious plate-spinning butler.

Can you imagine the real-life guy actually watching The Terminal?


I think I only want to be Tom Hanks in That Thing You Do because that movie is awesome and has a killer wardrobe. Yes I am pretty superficial.
I actually wouldn't mind The Terminal either cuz I don't mind hanging out at airports. DUTY FREE GUYS.


@Megano! You guys look fabulous in the black suits, have I told you that?

sarah girl

I don't care what anyone says, the last 20 minutes or so of Forrest Gump always make me cry like a nursery full of babies.


Best use of "uncanny valley" in a Hairpin post! (Hi, I'm Megan, and I'm a theory nerd).


That picture of Tom Hanks makes me feel like weeping into a pillow.


erm, The Man with One Red Shoe? so underrated. i think i unconsciously always compare Current Tom Hanks to the Adorably Clueless Tom Hanks i first met in TMw1RS, and CTH always, always loses.

living internationally

Ehm, I wish so badly that I was Tom Hanks in Big ... but that might be Monday morning in my non toy executive job speaking.


You actually make it appear really easy along with your presentation but I to find this matter to be actually something that I believe I would never understand. It seems too complicated and very wide for me. I am having a look forward to your subsequent put up male enhancement pills


I was reading through some of your content on this internet site and I think this web site is real instructive! Continue posting. male enhancement


A person necessarily assist to make severely posts I would state. This is the first time I frequented your web page and up to now? I surprised with the analysis you made to create this actual put up incredible. Wonderful task! vigrx plus ingredients


Hi, I found your documents very interesting. You have a amazing skills of writing a brief content. Thanks for talking about this, it is really a useful for me. I am going to preserve this.
world population day slogans

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account