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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

102

Answers to "What's That Thing on Your Baby's Head?"

1. "It is a large collection of blood vessels pushing through the scalp which will be gone by the time she's four." (This is the one you say out loud.)

2. "Oh, that? It's a clump of uterus that will just NOT come off, darn it!"

3. "Oh, you're so sweet. You didn't realize the whole thing is a cunning little hat, hair included."

4. "The propeller fell off."

5. "It's an ingrown hair. We're going to use TendSkin going forward."

6. "It's a Life Alert button. If we don't press it firmly every morning, the paramedics come."

7. "All indigo children have them."

8. "Oh, bless your heart. Are you the Make-a-Wish representative who's meeting our plane? We can't believe she's really getting to meet her hero, Dov Charney."

9. "They call it pediatric mammarian envy. In laymen's terms, a sympathy nipple."

10. "She's a never-nude, so we had a tiny tiny pair of jean shorts grafted onto her skull."

11. "She's half-Klingon."

12. "Trust me: if there's a sign telling you not to feed the seagulls, don't feed the seagulls."

13. "It's a punishment from God for being lesbians." (if the person traveling with you is a woman)

14. "It's a punishment from God because my husband isn't her real father." (if the person traveling with you is a man)

15. "We missed a spot with the sunscreen."

16. "We owed Suge Knight a lot of money."



102 Comments / Post A Comment

Carrie Murphy@twitter

ugh. people are such busybodies. how about "where are your manners?" or "why do you have such a big mouth?" or "she's an ALIEN!"

beatrix

like that. @l

sovereignann@twitter

The man in the last one...He is a real "He who must not be named" I have a fear he will know I'm talking about him and come for me and my family.

tmsteele2000

@sovereignann@twitter Word. I ain't got nothing bad to say about Suge Knight.

itiresias

i'm such a busybody...i'm now googling this condition because my hick cousin's sister-in-law has a baby with a weird thing on his head and she whores it out via facebook photos so often, i can't help but not look and wonder what the fuck it could be. here's to hoping i've found an answer.

juksie

they are clearly jealous that their baby is never going to be as cute as yours because WOW is that face killer or what?!

Katy

I was routinely asked if my baby was a (hushed voice) preemie. People are the worst. I had a friend with the same thing as your baby and she wanted to murder everyone. Hang in there.

DandelionTacy

@Katy When I was born, I had very light blue eyes that were crossed, and my mom says people used to ask her all the time if I was blind. Of course, Mary Ingalls had just gone blind on Little House, so I'm sure it was in vogue.

SuperGogo

I was initially distracted by the Onslaught of Cuteness from your baby (gaw, those cheeks!), but now I must know: WHAT is on that throw on the couch??

nonvolleyball

@SuperGogo I think it's the album art for Sgt. Pepper. (do I win something if I'm right?)

Nicole Cliffe

@SuperGogo I have a fondness for weird throws. That one is the Sgt Pepper's cover, we have a Freemasonry throw upstairs.

SarahP

@SuperGogo What're those things on your baby's face? WHY, THE CUTEST CHEEKS EVER!

SuperGogo

@Nicole Cliffe Fantastic. My friend had a throw in her living room of a giant galloping bay horse. I have a feeling you wouldn't mind a similar one.

fondue with cheddar

A WIIIIIIG!

whizz_dumb

@fondue with cheddar (formerly jen325) Do they make baby wigs?! This is a million dollar idea. Someone make baby wigs so people can mess with their babies and make them extra ridiculous, I can't because my job (I'm grateful for) takes up too much of my time.

Grundoon@twitter

@fondue with cheddar (formerly jen325) BABY WIG http://youtu.be/kQU0qO7JSFI

fondue with cheddar

@Grundoon@twitter AAAH I forgot about that! I loved that show.

@whizz_dumb Honestly, I wasn't even thinking about baby wigs. I was just making reference to this fabulous B-52's song which you should all listen to right now.

SlightlyOverboard

I have some extra growth on my right eyelid. Perfectly harmless, had it since birth. Once the woman waxing my eyebrows asked me if I had thought about having it removed. Suffice it to say I never went there again. Ugh, people.

living internationally

@SlightlyOverboard Insert "under my left eye" instead of "on my right eyelid" and "mother" instead of "woman waxing my eyebrows". JESUS.

sarahf

"All my life, I had a lump at the back of my neck, right here. Always, a lump. Then I started menopause and the lump got bigger from the "hormonees." It started to grow. So I go to the doctor, and he did the bio... the b... the... the bios... the... b... the "bobopsy." Inside the lump he found teeth and a spinal cord. Yes. Inside the lump was my twin."

RK Fire

@sarahf: AHHHH FETUS IN FETU

PoBoyNation

@sarahf I loved that scene at the time, and then my dad pointed out that someone whose first language was Greek would not have trouble with the word "biopsy."
@RK Fire yesssss fetus in fetu!

forensicRN

@sarahf A dear friend recently had some lady problems. It was a tumour growing on an ovary. They discovered once removed that it had teeth and a few hairs!!! Don't recall the medical term.

tachycardia

@sarahf Was it a dermoid cyst? Those are cray.

whizz_dumb

@forensicRN holy. shit. Why does the dead stuff grow first?

angermonkey

@forensicRN Teratoma. Usually totally harmless, just rando genes getting turned on (teeth and hair follicles tend to be the first...)

whateverlolawants

@angermonkey Oh god. May that never happen to me.

New Hoarder

@forensicRN EW, I had that. It was softball-sized, never knew it was there until my annual lady exam, never had pain, and the surgery to remove it got me out of work for three weeks IN A ROW. I keep praying I get another one so I can have a proper vacation!

I told my husband that despite taking birth control my body wants a baby REAL BAD, with or without the proper horomones, sperm, etc. so we need to be super super careful when I take antibiotics for my sinus infections!

HeyThatsMyBike

My mom has a little flat spot on the top of her head that, while totally not noticeable now, was apparently noticeable while she was a baby. My grandma used to get a lot of questions about it.
The reason she has it? When my mom started crowning, the doctor hadn't yet arrived to the hospital, and the nurse was brand new, and didn't know what to do and started freaking out. So she eventually just yelped aloud and decided to slam my grandma's legs closed so that my mom wouldn't come out. This left a little dent in my mom's soft baby head.
I find great joy in picturing my grandmother telling this tale to strangers who asked about my mom's noggin.

cecil hungry

@HeyThatsMyBike Oh, that's perfect!

tmsteele2000

@HeyThatsMyBike I have a BIG flat spot on my skull. I make friends feel it. It's like my party trick except I don't really have to do anything. The story is: My mom wanted me out - I was 3 weeks late - and she pushed like a mofo and I hit her pelvic bone at one point and dented my skull.

I can never shave my head. I would scare people. I know I invite this question by letting people feel my head, but EVERYBODY always asks, "Holy shit, were you dropped on your head?" Hardy har.

bpdubs

@HeyThatsMyBike My boyfriend has a palm indendation on his head from someone (a doctor, perhaps) grabbing him by the skull when his mom was giving birth. When he gets buzz cuts, you can see it - finger grooves and all.

HeyThatsMyBike

@tmsteele2000 @bpdubs Man - both amazing tales! Moral of the story here: Baby heads! They are fragile and smooshy!

forensicRN

My daughter was born with a "strawberry" on the back of her tiny head. Some stupid friend of said baby's dad asked "are you going to have that removed?" It sucked itself back in during her first year. I still don't like that jackass!

lavender gooms

@forensicRN I was born with a strawberry on the top of my head and one on my right side. They faded completely away to skin colored within the first year or two. I can still feel them, but they are basically unnoticeable. (Particularly since I have hair on my head.)

I got bitten by a dog in the same area as the one on my side, so now it kind of looks like a planet in orbit. So that's kind of neat.

Lily Rowan

@forensicRN My friend's baby had one right on her forehead, and my friend didn't take many pictures of her for MONTHS because she was embarrassed about it. Her adorable baby! I felt so bad for my friend, but eventually she did recover from the post-partum depression, which I realized was the cause of most of her weird behaviors.

Anyway.

noReally

Your baby and I are leg twins!

SarahP

The hypochondriac in me is shocked that this is the only Hairpin piece using the "weird red lumps" tag.

Scandyhoovian

That picture, to me, looks as though your baby has overturned the laundry basket, and upon being asked what she had done, gave you the most righteously adorable "I dunno, YOU tell me what I've done" face.

Megasus

"Her father is a unicorn"

frigwiggin

Man, if I was too polite to ask a family friend about their dog's weird head tumor several years ago (that thing looked like a wad of chewed gum), there's NO WAY IN HELL I'd ask about somebody's baby!

evil melis

INDIGO CHILDREN

TheLetterL

@evil melis "She's just a little more ascended than you, that's all."

HelloTitty

Is it a hemangioma? Pleeeasse say it's a hemangioma so your daughter and I can bond over freaking out the hair washing lady at the hairdresser.

Nicole Cliffe

@HelloTitty It is!

wee_ramekin

@Nicole Cliffe Is that a "caul"? You know in old books when babies were born with cauls? What even is that? AGH I want to knooooow.

damselfish

@wee_ramekin A caul is a part of a membrane (what the membrane is can be variable, like placenta or amnion, people who know more about birthing babies can probably describe it better) that's over the baby's head. Like a hood.

This lesson brought to you by my Russian fairy tales class, when I learned about sorcerers.

D.@twitter

@damselfish Being born with a caul usually meant you had The Sight.

rhapsody in bleu

@wee_ramekin Being born in the caul means you are born with your amniotic sac still intact. Most of the time, the amniotic sac ruptures at some point during labor (i.e., your "water breaking"), but sometimes (rarely), it doesn't. And yes, those babies have The Sight, obvs.

HelloTitty

@Nicole Cliffe I was born with a huge hemangioma on the top of my head. It grossed out my mother so there are no pictures of me as an infant. She wanted it removed immediately, but a doctor told her she'd have to wait until I was a year old for that. So the day after I turned one I was trucked straight over to the hospital to have it removed. Problem was, this was the day of JFK's funeral and the hospital was on a skeleton staff so my father was pressed into service to hold me down while they removed it. One slice later with blood everywhere my dad passed out. My dad loves this story. I still have a large dent where the hemangioma used to be that aches when it rains, freaks out hair washer girls, and is referred to as my "ugh" by my sister.

lora.bee

"You'll never guess what loud applause this cunning hat receives."

Decca

@lora.bee And you'll never dream the things that you could hide within these sleeves!

lora.bee

@Decca A string of pearls, with a suit of tweed...started quite a riot!

area@twitter

@lora.bee And if you must wear fox to the opera, Dame Fashion says "Dye it"!

SarahDances

@lora.bee Black is best when you're in court; the judge will be impressed.

lora.bee

@SarahDances Buuut whiiiite is riiiiight when you're a briiiide...

evil melis

AND YOU WANT

TO BE

WELL DRESSED

okaycrochet

@lora.bee Anyone for tennis? Well! THIS will make them cringe!!!
(If you're going to strike fear in the hearts of your opponents, do it with your strange headband and shapeless sportsgear. Lord knows you aren't, you know, athletic or talented.)

area@twitter

@okaycrochet Did anyone else really want the dress Kathy wears when she pops out of the cake? She could throw candy from that weird pocket on her hip! And her hair, oh my God, her bobbed hair. All of my want.

LooseBaggyMonster

@lora.bee I love all the "beautiful girls" in this thread.

SarahDances

@area@twitter No, I would like to have all of the dresses from that movie. But especially the green one Cyd Charisse wears during the Broadway melody sequence. Yummmmm....

Decca

Stare 'em down and intone "A repository for your immortal soul.".

sprayfaint

I was halfway through the comments before I realized that this wasn't about a funny hat.

TheRisottoRacket

@sprayfaint I did too until I went back and reread the first one.

iceberg

Ugh people are SO RUDE. I think what you should do is go really wide-eyed and then start crying hysterically while the other adult you're with hugs you and shoots dirty glances at the asker.

(Because one day that rude asshole will ask a question that legitimately provokes that response, and we might be able to prevent that)

Megasus

@iceberg Haha, tell them it's cancer, that'll shut them right the fuck up.

beeline96

@Megano! Cancer's no joke, yo.

TheRisottoRacket

Look at that sassy face she's making!

Alli525

My favorite baby in the daycare I worked at in high school had a strawberry! She still had it when she was 2.5-3 and I left Charlotte for good... and I still wonder about her. She was so gorgeous and the strawberry was in the middle of her forehead just like a large bindi and it was just the cutest. I do hope it went away, though - that's a pretty awkward spot to have such a large mark.

City_Dater

That face! You could just teach her to yell "NOSY!" while making that face and you wouldn't have to say a thing. Hilarious baby.

Trilby

So, not the hat?
There's something under it?
I'm not too sharp today. Not as sharp as y'all, that's for certain!

Stacy Worst

Is there a way to hide all posts with a given tag (BABIES)?

wallsdonotfall

@Sister Administrator Try rubbing a little butter on your mouse wheel. You'll be able to scroll past them faster and save all that time you'd spend leaving needlessly snotty comments!

(Unless you have an intense and debilitating phobia of baby pictures, like some people do with spiders, in which case I think Googling browser scripts would be more helpful.)

Stacy Worst

@wallsdonotfall :(

wallsdonotfall

@Sister Administrator That was maybe a little harsh. But f'real, isn't it easier to just... not read it?

Stacy Worst

@wallsdonotfall Well, joke's on me... here I am lingering in the comments.

evil melis

@Sister Administrator just consider yourself lucky wallsdonotfall saw this comment before i did, sister

Roaring Girl

I have a crazy huge birthmark, basically a splotchy tan area that wraps all the way around my hip from waist to thigh on the left side, and I have not-so-fond memories of strange adults freaking out over it at the pool and feeling like they had to have a conversation with my mom about it. BIRTHMARK, PEOPLE. BIRTH. MARK.

superfluous consonants

can i hijack the thread for a second to talk about the fact that i found out i'm pregnant this weekend (since i can't talk about it with anyone i actually know yet)? and got that way after, like, A WEEK of being off the pill? i think part of me believed there were two kinds of pregnant people: teenagers who get pregnant the first time they take their pants off with company, and old people who need to take their temperatures every day and have sex on a rigid schedule for a year in order to get anything to happen. that's obviously insane, but this seems altogether too easy.

also: i had my first ultrasound this morning, trans-vag style, and man, if i didn't hate that pre-abortion ultrasound policy before (which i did), I SURE DO NOW. i asked for this, and that sucker was still MAD AWKWARD.

Canard

@superfluous consonants Congratulations and mad envy! Gestate like the wind!

theotherginger

@superfluous consonants lady, congrats. also, trans-vag sounds horribly awkward. I hope you felt/will continue to feel comfortable with your technician.

lynzillla

@superfluous consonants congratulations!! i got pregnant that way march 2011 and have a 10 month old. i just got off the pill again and should be ovulating tomorrow... hopefully i am as lucky this time as i was last time! enjoy it :) :) :)

superfluous consonants

@theotherginger IT WAS. the technician, who was very sweet and personable, suggested i insert it myself. so as to make sure it didn't hurt, i guess? but given that i was already nude from the waist down, sitting in stirrups in the strange company of my husband AND a complete stranger, it was actually just the awkward icing on the awkward, untasty cake.

miss buenos aires

@superfluous consonants Yay! I need to get one, but am waiting to see if my insurance will... I can't even go into this, it's too rage-inducing.

When is your due date?

theotherginger

@miss buenos aires does PP do them if your instance won't? Or maybe they can help you (I love PP. If you don't have them in your area, I've got nothing)

superfluous consonants

@miss buenos aires based on my unscientific calculations, early/mid June. and good luck with your insurance struggles! i wish you a minimum of shenanigans.

miss buenos aires

@superfluous consonants

Thanks! My due date is June 2nd, so if we know any of the same people... dibs on their baby stuff!

Will look into PP, theotherginger, thanks for the tip!

Alison Caplan@facebook

My little boy, born in June, has a strawberry on his head. This post is awesome! Thank you!

sycofan

Baby is giving us all the stink eye. Gorgeous.

Bittersweet

@sycofan I know, I love baby 'tude. You know she's mentally saying, girlfriend, what's that on your head?

geek_tragedy

Not to be one of those childless people, Nicole, but....

My sister had a hemangioma as a kid. And now she dates Republicans.

But at least it was successfully and easily removed by a doctor when she was no longer an infant! That's gotta count for something...

D.@twitter

What is the hippo best friends with? Are those...chickens? Pigeons? Francolins?

Psychbucket

One of my nieces was born with a very large strawberry mark on her shoulder and it disappeared within a year. I have several little ones that I've had all my 50 years, but they are in privileged spots that only very special people get to see. :-)

iwannabekate

I had a strawberry mark on my right butt cheek until I was about 13! 12 years later, there's no trace of it. I loved it when I was really little because my parents always made it seem like something unique that I should be proud of (leading to a lot of weird "want to see my birthmark??" offers as a kid), but I'm really happy it's gone now!

sprayfaint

Oh my god! I just looked at a picture and realized that THIS is what I had, as a kid... I never knew what it was or thought about it until now. Thanks for the diagnosis, Nicole! It was on my scalp and actually started growing *more* when I was older, so I had it removed around age 13 or so. Now I have a bald spot on my scalp, which they promised at the time wouldn't happen. It means that I can never wear pigtails :(

Regina Phalange

I HIGHLY approve of venomous use of "bless your heart."
As a child, I had a seven- or eight-head, and consensus is that I mostly resembled "a skinned potato."
Your baby is completely adorable. In fact, I spent most of this article wondering if I could pull off that hat. (No.)

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