Thursday, September 6, 2012


They Had a Tablescape Competition at the Fair

"Fahrenheit 451 Lunch" by Suzanne Goyette

Score: 94.

"A sizzling presentation... coffee spoon on saucer is appreciated."


If you're not familiar with the art of tablescaping, then you're not familiar with our future First Lady of The New World Order, Sandra Lee. She hosts the best television show — no, seriously, I will fight anyone on this fact — Semi-Homemade Cooking With Sandra Lee, and dates New York governor, Andrew Cuomo. She made this insane cake once, her eyelids go half-mast every time she sips one of her signature cocktails (usually made with five parts Hpnotiq or vanilla "vaka", two parts something else), and she closes each episode with a "tablescape." It is not a real word! It's not even a proper portmanteau, if you ask me. Table and landscape? That would involve foliage and a water feature; hers are themed, but typically made up of a table cloth, napkin rings, chargers, place cards and their holders, flowers, and a giant centerpiece or five. All just table stuff, but so over-the-top and expensive that no one watching at home would ever make their own, or so I thought... 

Utter disbelief was followed by an urgency to pee when I stumbled upon a tablescape competition at the Los Angeles County Fair yesterday. There were no tablescapers around — judging must've happened this past weekend when the fair opened — but everything was still on display along with scorecards. Here are my faves, with scores out of a possible 100 and select notes from the judges. It was hard to find the proper names for all of them, so a few titles in quotes are best guesses.

"My Fair Lady" by Brandi Thomas

Score: 80

"Dessert fork is too large and facing the wrong way."

"20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" by Brittany Olivieri

Score: 85 [Ed. – Robbed!]

"Rope legs are a great touch... Tea spoon should be on saucer and the tablecloth should be rectangular, not oval."

"Candy Land" by Cathy Goyette [Ed. – a second Goyette in the house!]

Score: 75

"Who could eat the meal with all of this candy present."

"Game of Thrones" by Patty Cass

Score: 90

"Serve ware carries the theme well."

"Motocross Race Viewing Party" by Christel Schoenfelder

Score: 90

"For symmetry, a knife or spoon on the right side would be appropriate."

"Gone With The Wind" by Bonnie Overman

Score: 100

"Makes you want to read the book again."


And then, outside, the Axe Women Loggers of Maine were doing this.

178 Comments / Post A Comment




I saw the word "tablescapes and I knew I would see videos of Sandra Lee and you did not disappoint me


@melis YES YES YES. Did you ever see the one she made where it's an outdoor table that looks like a giant swamp full of Spanish moss? I can't find it anywhere online, sadly.

Oh, squiggles

"Tropical fruit juices"
"I bought this because it matches my tablescape perfectly"
"I call this my Ocean Breeze cocktail" *Pours strange blue liquid straight, over ice.*
"This one for me now, this one for me in just a little while" *two fists the cocktails*
"Aquorium" *blue liquor begins it's takeover of her power of speech*
Holiday ornaments that work year round=glitter covered sea life
*Lovingly strokes blue glass bowls*

Nothing about this video is not perfection. 996 internets for everyone!


@melis That tumbler of blue drank she tablescaped looks absolutely wonderful, where can I download the recipe?


@Exene 7-11, if by "download" you mean, "get it out of the slurpee machine."

Jane Marie

@melis i get so sad when my DVR runs out of her.


@Exene It boggles my mind that she didn't even say what it was. Hilarious.

Michelle LeBlanc@twitter

@supernintendochalmers she rather pointedly didn't turn the label to the camera at all, I'm guessing someone wouldn't pay for promotional consideration? I think it's this http://0.tqn.com/d/cocktails/1/0/3/1/-/-/hypnotiq.jpg

Ten Thousand Buckets

@Michelle LeBlanc@twitter You are correct. The "Ocean Breeze" is absolutely a Hypnotiq on the rocks with a couple blueberries dumped in.


how to create an amazing wedding tablescape? @t


They have something like this at the New York State Fair as well, but as far as I can tell it's just setting a table with a centerpiece of usually not-real flowers. They're always across from the weirdest themed flower arrangements (one was based on text messages and another was supposed to be themed somehow around Mars and rockets). No interesting judges' comments either. Just plates and fake flowers, etc.


Is that a link to the Kwanzaa shitcake? I'm not clicking that link because it is too fucking early for the Kwanzaa shitcake, you hear?

Oh, squiggles

@JessicaLovejoy It's the culinary world's version of a rickroll.


@JessicaLovejoy thank G-d my work blocks streaming media. KWANZAA CAKE, my eyes/brain/sensitive constitution.


@JessicaLovejoy oh man, I love the Kwanzaa cake! I can't see an angel food cake now without thinking of it. And the Hanukkah cake! PIPE CLEANER STAR OF DAVID!


@JessicaLovejoy Kwanzaa Shitcake would be a great name for a band, except that it would be a horrible name for a band. But it's a great name for Aunt Drunky's dessert, I agree.

raised amongst catalogs

Definitely Willy Wonka, on account of the Fizzy Lifting Drinks.


@vanillawaif Yup, and the Willy Wonka candies on the rack in the back - I spy Nerds and Runts. That table was robbed! It was the clear winner.

Jane Marie

@Killerpants They lost points for not having any silverware.


@Jane Marie Who eats candy with a fork?

Valley Girl

Our county fair had a grownups AND a kids tablescape category! Only one had a 50 Shades of Grey themed table.

(never enough Sandra Lee snark)

Sella Turcica

@Valley Girl I would be terrified to eat at a 50 Shades-scaped table. What are you going to do with the wax from that candle? Where have those napkin rings been? Why does my napkin look so much like a blindfold?


@Delighted by User ...is that a rotisserie spit, or...

Heat Signature

@Delighted by User The word "Argh" artfully carved from native hardwoods...


@Delighted by User Why does my napkin look so much like a blindfold. I love you.


I CANNOT believe the Motocross one scored higher than the 20,000 Leagues one.


@SarahP I was so shocked that the Motocross tablescape scored so high! They used sippy cups for God's sake! I think the scoring was unfairly weighted because of the puns on the menu.


@SarahP It doesn't even have a knife!


That said, the judging comments would wither me if I had put so much effort into something and then didn't turn a damn spoon the right way.


@meetapossum Right??? It looks like a half hearted picnic.

Disco Sheets

@EternalFootwoman Christel must have bribed the judges. THE MENU IS HANDWRITTEN!

Judith Slutler

@SarahP ummmm also is that a motocross course CAKE on there? A cake designed to look like dirt and sit on the table for the entirety of the meal? what


@SarahP I kindly disagree, as I would've scored the table 100 points alone for "Travis Pastrami Sandwiches."


There was a tablescape category at the Philadelphia Flower Show this year! The theme was Hawaii. One table was actually a surfboard. Another tablescape included flip-flops trapped in creeping lava, as if the owner had run for dear life.


Our fair also had a "Holiday Tree" competition. There were some great, traditional Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day trees!


On Fahrenheit 451, do you think that pile is made of books that have been banned by public schools? *swoon*

Judith Slutler

@Inkling @Inkling Personally if I were going to have a Bradbury tablescape, I think I'd go with There Will Come Soft Rains and have little robot hands that would come out and set the table, clear the table, set the table, clear the table, over and over again, plus corroded silverware, a moth-eaten tablecloth and chipped old china. Plus a tape recorder that would play nice dinner music once the table was set and shut back down when the robots started clearing the table.

Thematically appropriate because nobody is EVER going to eat food at these tables, too!


@Emmanuelle Cunt
I am in lust with the idea of a tape recorder that turns on and off by itself.


I feel like her show pre-empted the inevitable drinking games by having her get hammered while she films the episodes.


@Scandyhoovian Probably to avoid lawsuits from viewers.


What if Andrew Cuomo gets the DNC nomination in 2016? First Lady Sandra Lee? This would be the world's best alternate universe reality show.


@travelmugs Think of the tablescapes she could make with the resources of the White House at her disposal!

Tuna Surprise

Think of how much the professional event staff at the White House will hate her!

Lily Rowan

@travelmugs Does she get to be First Lady if they aren't married? (I love that the Governor of New York lives with his girlfriend.)

Judith Slutler

@travelmugs First Lady Sandra Lee is truly an amazing thought. What would the White House seder tablescape look like? Or the inaugural tablescape? Would everyone have to drink vanilla vodka "creations"?


@Emmanuelle Cunt The iconoclast in me is giggling frantically with delight.


@Lily Rowan There is some precedent of the First Lady not being the president's wife--Buchanan wasn't married and his niece did all of the stuff that first ladies did back then (which, to be fair, probably has 0% overlap with what first ladies do now).


Fancy ladies need to invite me to their dinner parties more often. I'm a sucker for themes.

Daisy Razor

I love that county fairs appear to be the same everywhere (although those tablescapes are way more hardcore than the ones at the Martha's Vineyard fair). My Mom's cross-stitch won second prize this year.




@frigwiggin Also known as A Mother's Real-Time Reaction To Any Reply Of "What Are You Planning To Do With Your Life?"


@frigwiggin OMG that's amazing. And somewhat comforting to know that even she thinks her creations are disgusting.


"Yeah, I wanna be an art major!"
... siiiiiip ..............

Tammy Pajamas

@frigwiggin That just made my week, thank you for that! Laughing so hard I'm crying and now have a stomachache!


@frigwiggin Mr. mustelid and I have an annual Christmas cocktail party where everyone brings booze/mixers/garnishes for a cocktail of their choice.

LAST YEAR MY FRIEND BOUGHT LEMONADE/VODKA/HEAVY CREAM UGH. I tried it. All said, it was horrible, but not nearly as horrible as I expected it to be. On a horribleness scale of 1-10 it was like a 7.8 or so.


@mustelid just...how does it not curdle? 'cuz that would make me yak.


@frigwiggin Oh wow. That was really special.


@mustelid Is there something so wrong with vodka and lemonade that heavy cream needs to be put in there? I just don't understand.

And I *love* heavy cream, so that whole drink sounds like something I would have made as a child if I had known what vodka was and liked it. "It's all things I like, how could it not taste good?"


@Ophelia Uh.. it kinda does. Sorry. Please don't yak.

@KatnotCat Yeah, adding heavy cream just makes no sense. "Here's a perfectly good drink, but you know what would just make it even better? If it had little chunks of soured milk floating around in it!!" Don't understand the thought process.


I really hope that Suzanne and Cathy Goyette are sisters (or in-laws!) with a simmering rivalry that erupts every year in the county fair tablescaping contest. There should be a Christopher Guest movie about them.


@boysplz Yessssss with Jane Lynch as Suzanne and Jennifer Coolidge as Cathy

Oh, squiggles

YES! I would watch the fuck out of that movie.

Lily Rowan

What's up with the butter sculpting movie that is a real thing?


@frigwiggin Jennifer Coolidge totally made that Candy Land table!

Oh, squiggles

Her show needs to be just tablescapes and cocktails.


Sandra Lee is not impressed.

Heat Signature

GAME OF THRONES TABLESCAPE, you guys. If I was the tablescaping type, I would totally run with this. Also, I am living here in Maine and didn't realize we had axe-throwing women (professionally, I mean...lots of women here throw lots of different things, including axes, but then the police become involved and so forth) and that they are awesome. So proud!


@Heat Signature: The GoT table missed out on some epic seating opportunities, if you ask me.

The coins on the My Fair Lady table are cracking me up.


@laurel Also, to go with the epic seating opportunities, passive-aggressive/manipulative placecards would've been great.

Heat Signature

@laurel Definitely needed more levels, like a dais (dias?) or something.


@Heat Signature: And an astrolabe as a chandelier?


It HAD to have been fixed - that Gone with the Wind table in no way deserved 100! I mean, yeah, sure, it was well put together and pretty-ish, in an expected way, but it was SO BORING.


@Jinxie Right? I'd only give it 100 points if there was someone sitting there wearing the drapes.


@Jinxie I agree, sort of boring, but great touches! Mini-paintings of Ashley(?) and Charles (?) ! The curtains to make the curtain-dress! If only the tablescape had come complete with bottles of cologne to freshen one's breath after imbibing.


@BlushAndBashful It's Ashley and Rhett.


Brb, redoing my life to look like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea - it's really the porthole that I can't get over.


@highfivesforall: Needs more giant squid.


@laurel Re...lease the Kraken?


I have dedicated my tumblr (blue-ribbon-piggies.tumblr.com) to the magnificence of rural county fair exhibitions, but I am apparently missing out out on a goldmine of artistic expression by skipping the big leagues!


Pouting because it's lunchtime and Mammy isn't imploring me to eat my vittles (chicken salad sandwich) at the GWTW table.

~~eat like a field hand, gobble like a hog.~~


I won second place for an Easter-themed tablescape when I was in second grade! Kid's category, of course. I put my bunny snowglobes to good use, and made a tablecloth and napkins out of some lavender plaid material I bought with my mom. I had to learn where utensils and dishes "go" on a table, and then set the table all by myself. I was very proud. This seems like an appropriate exercise for, you know, a six-year old.


Is that the Iron Throne made of popsicle sticks on the Game of Thrones table? Is the table runner a map of Westeros? Is that menu illuminated? Um, clearly this should have won!


@WhiskeySour they were Robbed.


Haha oh, Crazy Aunt Sandy you are The Best. Also, the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea one lost to the Gone With the Wind one? Please.


Oh man I thought nothing would top that Hypnotiq "cocktail" (as the first youtube commenter says, bitch, that is Hypnotiq in a glass), but then I got to the Axe Women Loggers of Maine.

Axe women loggers of Maine, you are the awesomest!!!!


@OhMarie Why aren't more people commenting on PRECISION AXE HURLING?


@anachronistique Maybe they got to the 20,000 leagues under the sea and then skipped straight to comments without getting to see BADASS AXES?


@OhMarie I admit, that's pretty much what happened with me. Maybe we can find a way to combine the two? Underwater axe-throwing? Harpooning?


The meal is candy, you damn fools!

Willy Wonka designer has my full support.


Oh man, I don't think tablescaping has made the rural Ontario fair circuit. I'll have to ask my relatives, they are all about entering the fairs. Also the GoT and 20,000 Leagues ones are clearly the best.


One time I was watching Willy Wonka on tv and it was pretty sweet, but then I looked out the window and this old man who lives on my cul-de-sac had died and slumped over in his porch rocking chair. All in all, probably a nice way to go, but it's all I can think about now when Willy Wonka comes up. That is all.


The floral arrangements at the Topsfield Fair are amazing (Topsfield, Mass., north of Boston, but if you're from the area obviously you KNOW and have been). Complete with I-will-cut-you comments from the judges. A few years ago I was reading the comments with friends and one of the judges was there and informed us that it wasn't just snark—in fact some of these terms were technical judging terms, and that they work with a very strict set of criteria. Who knew! We thought they were just being mean for the sake of being mean!


Any sentence that includes the words "at the Los Angeles County Fair" can only lead to good/fabulous things.

Dr. Iris Puffybush

When I was a young'un in 4-H, I used to enter place settings in the fair. As I recall, they tended to involve hideous conglomerations of dusty mauve and geese. It was Wisconsin in the 80's--"country" decor was huge. I don't think I ever placed very well. I was not aware there was such a thing as competitive tablescaping. I am sad (and kind of shocked, frankly) that this doesn't happen at the MN state fair. I need to find a place in the upper Midwest where one can tablescape competitively, because I think it's time I graduated to this insanely awesome art form. I think I could do a lot better now than I used to do with those place settings, but I fear I would be endlessly paranoid that my spoons were in the wrong place.



1) Since I started going to county fairs around age 5, tablescapes have been my favorite. part. When I dragged my boyfriend to the county fair for the first time in his life I made him wait twenty minutes while I inspected this year's crop. I genuinely love tablescape competitions and cake decorating. Nobody else has ever understood me until now.

2) I can't believe I missed out on opportunities to trade Sandra Lee clips. The best tablescape in history is for her fancy Italian meal where she spraypaints and mounts an entire antique chair in the middle of the fucking table. "Pass the spaghetti, please OH WAIT YOU CAN'T THERE'S A FUCKING CHAIR ON THE TABLE" Sandra Lee is a national treasure.

ahahahahaha here it is


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They have something like this at the New York State Fair as well, but as far as I can tell it's just setting a table with a centerpiece of usually not-real flowers. But Good luck to you. Actually, best of luck. escortes à bruxelles


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