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Thursday, September 13, 2012

241

The Purse Pie

Previously: The Next-Hug Pie.

Ann Friedman is not a mom on the go.

241 Comments / Post A Comment

mustelid

Have you been going through my purse...?

LacunaKale

70% hateful accounting texts
10% pencils/pens
5% Smarties (american)
2% lip balm
And a swirling iridescent hole that sucks up grocery lists, and occasionally spits out bits of fur and polaroids of hands. I call it Ol' Bluey

PistolPackinMama

@LacunaKale Don't forget the extra-dimensional further 70% of Mysterious Crumbs.

swirrlygrrl

@LacunaKale Wait, there are American Smarties? I thought those were called M&Ms!!

Ophelia

@swirrlygrrl We have a separate candy called Smarties (in addition to M&Ms, which are like your Smarties) - they're these: http://bit.ly/PmHRop

oh! valencia

@Ophelia - we call them rockets. It's so stupid that they're different.
(I have them in my purse too. They're good for bribing small children to be quiet at appropriate times.)

Springtime for Voldemort

@swirrlygrrl What are not-American smarties, and what do they have to do with M&Ms?

evil betty

@papayalily not-American Smarties are the food of the Gods. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smarties

Springtime for Voldemort

@LacunaKale Those do sound delicious!

HermioneDanger

Did you steal my bag?

aliceandstuff

I gave up the hopeful condom when I switched to my latest purse. Also it was four years old. Yeah.

parallel-lines

a ball of straw wrappers that I stow there when I can't find a garbage can and don't want to be a litter bug.

My purse is 30% straw wrappers right now.

BoozinSusan

@parallel-lines Hello, myself.

New Hoarder

Oh! This makes me miss the purse-dumping posts that used to be on Fridays(?)! We all enjoyed knowing others had wads of tissue and gum wrappers in their bags (except for the immaculate Jolie).

New Hoarder

@New Hoarder Which also reminds me that we played this game once at a DC 'Pinup. Play it early in the evening, ladies and gents, as it is a dangerous game and requires full concentration. And adequate table space. Which is not easy to accomplish in a bar. I probably lost a tube of something lippy but like I could tell from my purse stash.

supernintendochalmers

@New Hoarder I miss those too!

Ophelia

What, what about the 10% kleenex that have fallen out of their "pocket pack" and now just form a grayish ball of lint in the bottom of your purse?

Ophelia

Oh, and the miscellaneous band-aids (5%) and tiny Ikea pencils (3%).

WhiskeySour

What about weird sand-like grit? Somehow my purse always accumulates this grossness at the bottom. Where does it come from?

The Lady of Shalott

@WhiskeySour God, I really want to know. I always need to like, vacuum out the bottom of my purse. It's filthy. How???? It's not like I'm carrying around rocks!

MilesofMountains

@WhiskeySour Is it sand? I always hope it's just sand. I suspect it's something grosser, though, because I don't know the last time I was in a position to get sand in my purse.

The Lady of Shalott

@MilesofMountains Where does the sand come from??? I live fifty miles from the ocean!!!

WhiskeySour

@MilesofMountains I haven't been to a beach, playground, or other sand-bearing location in years. I guess it's just one of life's (disgusting) mysteries.

olivebee

@WhiskeySour The worst is when the cap falls off the lip gloss or chapstick, and then the sand-like stuff gets stuck all over it.

narwhalsandwich

@WhiskeySour YES. I must know this. I hope it's not the other-peoples'-hands-grime-that-has-turned-to-powder from all my spare change.

WhiskeySour

@olivebee Or when the cap doesn't fall off but the grime somehow embeds itself in the teeny tiniest gap where the tube and cap meet and even though you're not spreading detritus directly onto your lips, you have to throw it away because you know it's there, mere centimeters away. (Get rid of your purses, seriously, they are revolting?)

LilyMarlene

@WhiskeySour I have a layer of sesame seeds, numerous Adderalls and dog hair swamping around the bottom of my purse, overlaid with a massive constitutional law textbook. So, my Adderalls taste like slightly nutty justice, with a fibrous finish.

@narwhalsandwich GAAAAAH THAT IS LITERALLY LIKE MY WORST FEAR.

zoe
zoe

@WhiskeySour what? mine IS sand... at least, I always just assumed it definitely was sand, since I live at the beach and swim almost daily, and often have togs(bikini) tossed in my bag.. but now I'm wondering, you guys. :/ Mystery! get our sand under a microscope and lets find out!

tandemkas

@WhiskeySour strangely enough I recently got rid of my purse and traded it in for a backpack and it never, NEVER has mystery sand in it! It only has the things I put in it, in it. It's a strange new thing.

Nocs

My hopeful condom was a Trojan Magnum. So it was hopeful for BOTH me and Hypothetical Hookup. I threw it out last month. Farewell, hopeful condom and hypothetical big-dicked guy who was going to wear it!

RNL
RNL

@Nocs The very worst is throwing a magnum and needing one soon after. This has happened to me. Led to a broken (regular sized) condom. Alanis may want to weigh in here.

Stevie

@Nocs Ha, imagine the performance anxiety of this hypothetical guy when he sees you pull out the Magnum.

Nocs

@RobotsNeedLove "It's like 10,000 Durexes, when all you need is a Magnum?"

Emby

@Nocs For a long time, I didn't get how anybody could comfortably wear condoms. They were so damn tight and fucking impossible to get on and just really, really uncomfortable. And then one day, I tried Magnums and they fit! And didn't feel like they were trying to strangle me! It was what I imagine it must be like for women who've been wearing the wrong bra size for their whole lives.

iceberg

@Emby #humblebrag

PistolPackinMama

@iceberg And yet, a cheering #humblebrag

Emby, go out an cause some consternation for the lady that just chucked her magnum!

Emby

@iceberg Eh, it wasn't even very humble.

Nocs

@PistolPackinMama I, erm...yes, that is a good idea you have there.

RNL
RNL

@Stevie It's a real "if you build it, he will come" situation.

AmandaBunny

@Emby Is it bigger than a pledge can................ ?

fondue with cheddar

@Emby I had a FWB a few years ago with a guy, and he was extremely girthy. I cringed when I saw him struggle to stretch a regular condom over his penis, partly because of the obvious discomfort for him, and partly because it didn't seem very safe. I asked him why he didn't use Magnums, and he said he didn't even know they existed! I bought him a box of XLs, and he was much happier!

Honestly though, they were still too tight. I did a lot of research, and apparently those are the largest ones on the market in width (the big Lifestyle ones are longer but a little narrower in the shaft, but they have a bulbous tip for the head, which is nice). I've seen bigger ones than that guy in porn. What the heck are they supposed to do? It made me think of when Magic Johnson contracted HIV. He's a pretty tall guy, so it stands to reason that he's well-endowed. People criticized him for not using protection, but maybe he just couldn't?

AmandaBunny

@Emby Also, I'm genuinely curious as to your thought process here... what was the mental path that led you to think that coming to a women's website (to a post about purses no less) and leaving an off topic comment about how big your dick is was a good idea?

fondue with cheddar

@AmandaBunny My FWB was nearly as big as a ladies' shaving cream can. Kind of scary.

And I didn't see @Emby's comment as off-topic. This is a thread about condoms, specifically Magnums. And he compared wearing the wrong condom size to wearing the wrong bra size, so he related to to women.

Stevie

@AmandaBunny Way harsh, Tai! It wasn't off topic, and this is a free space.

Emby

@AmandaBunny Seemed relevant to the comment at the time. Looking back at it now, I regret it. Wish I could delete. Apologies.

acid burn

@Stevie And in such a "free space," she gets to point out the grossness of Emby's "wasn't even very humble" humblebrag.

PistolPackinMama

@jen325 I don't particularly think about what condoms feel like. Mostly because I am all "this is the one thing aside from vasectomy that dudes can do to help prevent pregnancy, so suck it up with the complaining already! You try pill bloating/ IUD pain/ pregnancy scare festivals of pee sticks and get back to me."

But you know... the wrong bra. Oh my god, they are the effing WORST. WORRRRSSTTT. They dig in under the breast and leave marks and pinch! They ride up in the back! You spill out and look hoochy when you aren't attempting to look hoochy. (Situation specific look, yo.)

When someone finalllllyyyyy points out bras have a FIT and you can be FITTED and then GET THE RIGHT SIZE OF THINGS THAT FIT it's So. Nice. So nice. It's not as easy to shop for bras, because odd size fitting etc. But still.

I am feeling more "why is this so awful?" sympathy about wrong-sized condoms now. Aside from safety I mean. Because... hard to concentrate, yo.

FURTHERMORE for the good of ladies and gents and gents and gents, I just... where is our education that people have to be all WHY DOES THIS SUCK SO MUCH WHAT IS WRONG before they learn there are bigger (and smaller, I expect) barrier protections if you need them?

Ugh. I am just so frustrated that stuff like this doesn't make our sex ed curriculum. It's a safety issue! And yeah. Okay. I feel really badly if something that is supposed to be *giggle fun bounce chase spank nuzzle muffle snerk* is awkward and straight up confusingly uncomfortable OVER SOMETHING UTTERLY TOTALLY FIXABLE AND NOT A PROBLEM IF YOU HAVE INFORMATION.

But nooooooooo, sex is shameful, no one should look at your genitals closely enough to see what size your penis is, nor should they have had another partner against which to compare it, because SLUTTY SLUT SLUT. Nor should you see anyone think about your genital size in relation to average condom size or whatever.

And it's not supposed to be enjoyable anyway... it should be grim mechanical sex with an unwanted unneccessary shiver of something that is pathological if it feels good at the end.

WHAT NO OH MY GOD.

So anyway. Not off topic in my opinion. Useful, in fact.

Also hilariously humblebragging, but also not because, well, I've said around here that I have a Significant Rack. And unless I am supposed to be somehow proud/ashamed of that (depending on if my rack falls in the "so large as to be grossly udderlike" or "just right for mainstream porn fantasy standards), as opposed to neutral on facts... I dunno. Penises. They come in different sizes. So. It's just information.

/rant

fondue with cheddar

@Emby It was relevant, and it had an appropriate tone. You weren't all HEYYY LADIES I WEAR MAGNUMS WHO WANTS MY DICK?

This is a women's web site, but there are regular male commenters such as yourself who are respectful. Lots of us are guilty of oversharing, and you've just overshared, too. The difference is that your overshare comes across differently because you're talking about your penis size, which is a tactic some men use as a come-on. I don't think you were using it as a come-on. If you'd said what you said in person at a 'Pinup that would be completely different, and inappropriate.

Emby

@acid burn Perfectly fair.

fondue with cheddar

@PistolPackinMama I had a coworker who had never seen her husband naked in their entire 30-year marriage. They always undressed and had sex in the dark. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

Emby

@PistolPackinMama That was mostly what I was trying to get at; that there's very little to no discussion about what's a right size condom, and you'd never know unless you bought and tried them all. But at this point, it just seems like digging my hole deeper.

Nicole Cliffe

@Emby Aww, I kind of enjoyed it. (That's what (s)he said!)

RNL
RNL

@Nicole Cliffe Me too.

My FWB recently tried to tell me how embarrassing it was to buy Magnums ("I feel like a douche"), and I just laughed and laughed at him, but it's nice to hear men talk about their penises. I want to know.

acid burn

@jen325 I keep thinking I might someday find one single place on the internet where dudes do not talk about the size of their penises, but I guess that's probably too much to hope for. OH WELL.

Nocs

@acid burn Buuuuut it was actually kind of relevant? Now I feel weird because it was my comment that started off this whole thing. In fairness to Emby, I was the one who brought up penis size in the first place, and now here we have this Whole Big Thing happening. Which is funny, because I actually kind of prefer non-huge penises?

fondue with cheddar

@Emby It's true, though. It's definitely a problem, probably because penis size is taboo to talk about. Men are socialized to believe bigger is always better even though most women either don't care about size or prefer average ones. The only people who talk to men about the size of their penis are their sexual partners, and when a woman tells a man his not-big penis is good enough to satisfy her, he may think she's just saying that to satisfy his ego. And the giant monster cocks of porn do nothing to dispel the myth that big ones are the only worthy ones.

I mean geez...if my former FWB (a progressive, intelligent, and open-minded dude in his thirties who had been around the block) didn't realize there were different sizes of condoms, what does that means for the more sheltered and naive guys?

redheaded&crazy

@Emby sounds like you need to dig it wider too!

*wink* *fist bump* *WINK*

fondue with cheddar

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll "I am angry. What was wrong with Velcro Batman? It had many pockets and was warm. I miss my friends and I am lonely."

That was great. I especially liked the part about Vending Machine Pepsi.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@jen325
yep seriously why isn't simon rich my boyfriend?

Ophelia

@Emby Honestly? It was kind of funny, but it wound up sparking a pretty interesting discussion, so I say roll with it. Also, I like that, while this is a space 'for women,' it's also a space where women can interact with guys who genuinely like them as people, and no one has to share their gender unless they want to. I dunno. That went off-topic a bit, but...

rowrow

@Nocs i've been stocking magnums for the guy i've been dealing with lately, but i'm en route to see a different/new guy (this is all above board!) and have no clue "how to prepare". i could just buy another size and have both, but carting around two sizes in my purse would make me feel... empowered. right, empowered.

Emby

@Ophelia I understand, but I'm also hyper-cognizant that this is a female-oriented site, and that comments like mine, intentional or not, can negatively affect people who didn't expect or didn't want to see male-centered content. I'm glad to see something productive may have come from it, but I still consider it a slip-up on my part.

Nocs

@rowrow If I don't know what a guy's packing, I leave it up to the guy to supply condoms the first time. if there are subsequent sexytimes with the same guy, I bring whatever kind he chose for himself the first time.

redheaded&crazy

@Emby ladies he's a sweetheart AND he's got a big ...

sorry sorry i'm working on my hyper-cognizance. i will show myself out.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@redheaded&crazie
He does have a big heart, and it's nice of you to say so.

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie i feel especially awkward about this comment as my excel spreadsheet of hairpin relationship statuses tells me emby has a girlfriend BUT my overhwelming urge to be That Guy compels me to leave it up.

fondue with cheddar

@Nocs I will supply them if we're at my place when things are going down for the first time. If I get the chance to assess his size first, I'll offer whichever seems appropriate, otherwise I'll offer a regular, and if it turns out he's bigger than that I'll say, "Hey, I've got a Magnum if that's more comfortable." But I won't let a guy see that I have Magnums in my drawer unless I've already confirmed that they're his size because I don't want to think he's not big enough, or smaller than the last guy, or whatever.

Ophelia

@redheaded&crazie I hope you meant to say that in the voice from Love Actually, where the guy goes "Look out, America. Here comes Colin Frizzle, and he got a big NOB."

Faintly Macabre

@redheaded&crazie Never change, RH&C.

@Ophelia That storyline makes me sad because it reminds me that I react similarly to British accents as do American girls in the movie.

Reginal T. Squirge

@redheaded&crazie

Wait, do you really have a spreadsheet of Hairpin relationship statuses?

This is important.

redheaded&crazy

@Reginal T. Squirge noooo and i felt progressively creepier as nobody seemed to question its existence!

I do however run a high-stakes wager on which 'pinners are most likely to get together, if you're interested in participating in that.

Reginal T. Squirge

Participating as a hook-up or as a bettor?

redheaded&crazy

@Reginal T. Squirge oh you've already been entered as a hook-up so I guess as a bettor?

slutberry

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll oh man OH MAN that was great

Emby

A wallet examination:

-A modicum of cash that I need to get me through next week until I get paid
-Membership cards to all the local grocery stores
-Random business cards from people I don't remember meeting
-Metro card
-Various insurance cards
-Car insurance card from like 2 years ago
-Library card
-Two (2) Starbucks gift cards with indeterminable balances
-Driver's license
-Debit card
-Credit card

New Hoarder

@Emby I have far more "membership" cards (Panera, grocery stores, DSW, Anthro, aquarium, parks, Express, Godiva, Aveda, Hair Cuttery, Sephora, Ulta, etc. just to name a few!) and coupons for those places that I do actual money, or cards with money "in" them. *sigh*

BUT my library card, insurance cards, and license all are a very good value!

Ophelia

@New Hoarder Wait, you can be a Godiva MEMBER? What are the perks??

Emby

@Ophelia What Lady Godiva called 'em on a chilly day! zing!

Beatrix Kiddo

@New Hoarder And what about those cards where you need 10 stamps to get 1 thing free, but they all have only 2 or 3 stamps and you don't even go to those places anymore?
I have have just thrown a bunch of those away this morning.

New Hoarder

@Ophelia Free piece of chocolate from the case each month (including truffles, sometimes even alcoholic!) with or without purchase, and sundry discounts. I have a few chocolate drawers in my life, as well as a chocoholic husband, so this is very valuable to me.

New Hoarder

@Beatrix Kiddo I threw away my smoothie card from a local deli with only left until my free one. DAMMIT.

But I hate those cards because they stress me out AND cause me to overspend!

New Hoarder

@New Hoarder *only 1 left

frigwiggin

@Beatrix Kiddo Ugh, I have two of those for a comics shop two hours away...one has nine stamps, but then I temporarily lost it and got a new one, so that has two or three stamps on it. I wonder if I went back there if they'd let me combine them. Or if they even honor them anymore. I just want my $10 off!

Yahtzii

@Emby Okay but what's in your PURSE?

bocadelperro

@frigwiggin I have three separate pinkberry cards. Each one has three stamps. Had I kept it all one one card, I would be one yogurt away from my freebie.

Ophelia

@Yahtzii His masculinity.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Ophelia He carries it in a purse? Man, he really does need Magnums.

anachronistique

Don't forget the miniature pharmacy! (Benadryl, sudafed, advil.)

New Hoarder

@anachronistique I keep mine in a tiny mermaid tin! Claritin, Lactaid (for Mr. (non-)Hoarder), Bayer aspirin, Motrin, generic aspirin (I enjoy aspirin)... I can fit a lot in that little thing!

christonacracker

@New Hoarder I keep mine in a pac-man ghost tin! It's basically a full pharmacy though -- I am prepared for errything.

New Hoarder

@christonacracker I somehow have become that way too, and I don't know how. My friends say I have a mom purse but I am the furthest thing from being a mom (that would imply responsible, adult-like behavior).

I have a cache of various-sized Band-aids and Neosporin in a hermetic baggie. Varying iterations of hair ties. Deodorant. Mini sewing kit. Godiva chocolate balls for a pick-me up, multiple gum packs for stress. Mini nail files. Mini emergency water bottle. Often an extra pair of socks and underwear. The usual charger, phone, Kindle, iPod, book, pads. Mini umbrella. Extra contacts & eyedrops. Scarf for an extra layer...

I could go on. I am a bit paranoid about being stranded on public transit without power/ communication in very high or very low temperatures due to some experiences. ALWAYS BE PREPARED. III

New Hoarder

@New Hoarder Okay, I do sound scary here. I don't even think I consciously accumulated all this stuff; I carry seatbelt bags, not big ones, but they're strong (think Mary Poppins purses). I guess anytime I've needed something, in the bag it goes, and on to the next bag, never to leave the bag realm EVER. AGAIN.

New Hoarder

@christonacracker Oooh, where'd you find that? I got mine on Etsy! I was very lucky with my specific "mermaid pill box" search.

ellebean

@New Hoarder You don't sound scary! My purse is the same. Wallet, book, umbrella (in winter), tissues, various pharmaceuticals, little emery boards, chocolate, lint roller, lip gloss, hand sanitizer, sunglasses, toothpaste, etc. (OK, maybe I'm scary too? It's fiiiiiine.) People make fun of me, but then they always need something. Also, I don't ask anyone else to carry it and don't complain about it, so I feel like everyone can STFU.

tessamae

@anachronistique Oooo boy. How about a Costco-size bottle of AllerClear (their house brand Claritin) that lost its cap and so now my purse is filled with about 300 tiny white pills? Which I still happily consume each day. What's wrong with me?

PS- The capless, empty bottle is ALSO still in my purse. Natch.

Better to Eat You With

@ellebean You people who can carry around chocolate without eating it immediately amaze me.

teaandcakeordeath

Sometimes, I just stop using handbags as theyve become lined with a mulch of receipts that got mashed up in my handbag and im too ashamed/incompetant to clear them out.

I promise to try and be a real grown up one day.

Renleigh

@teaandcakeordeath SO MUCH TRUTH UP IN HERE. I tried to make myself clear out my old purses last weekend and gave up after like five minutes.

New Hoarder

@teaandcakeordeath Every now and then I take just my wallet out of my bag and dart off to buy Doritos across the street. As I walk back to work, I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if things were always so simple?" and then fall back into the abusive pattern of carrying my overly stocked crutch I mean handbag.

HeyThatsMyBike

@teaandcakeordeath So at those stores where they're like "Would you like a paper receipt, or for us to email you a receipt?" I typically look at them like they are monsters and then ask for a paper receipt. But when I get to this same point (having a bag that is full of receipts I don't want to go through), I suddenly understand and respect them. But then forget by the next time somebody asks me that, and the cycle repeats itself.

parallel-lines

Is this the part where I admit I had a used band aid stuck to my iphone earbud yesterday when I fished it out of my purse?

I also spilled an entire shot of tequila in there over the weekend. That handbag is a den of horrors.

Ophelia

@parallel-lines But wouldn't the tequila just clean everything up? Right? Right.

The Lady of Shalott

@parallel-lines I found a used band-aid stuck to the bottom of my laptop. I don't know how long it had been there.

iceberg

@Ophelia mmm, sterilizey.

WhiskeySour

@parallel-lines Please tell me the Band-aid had been used on your own person and was not a mystery Band-aid. Because one's own used Band-aid? Gross. Someone else's used Band-aid? Screaming forever.

redheaded&crazy

@WhiskeySour used band-aids are truly TRULY The Grossest Thing. did i tell you guys about that time a friend found one at the bottom of her salad ...

'scuse me i'll be over here screaming forever

parallel-lines

@WhiskeySour YES OF COURSE*

*I have no idea, god I hope so.

parallel-lines

@Ophelia My friend bought me a shot of tequila that I really really did not want to drive, so as I got up to sneak it to the bar, I tripped and all of it went it my purse.

It may be clean, but it smells like Senor Frogs in there.

swirrlygrrl

@WhiskeySour Just wait till your horny, you'll be willing to roll in a mountain of used (by others) bandaids.

redheaded&crazy

@parallel-lines way to make the responsible choice not to drive the shot of tequila!!!

New Hoarder

@redheaded&crazie This reminds me: time to add some airplane-sized bottles of booze to my emergency stash in my handbag. Maybe even substitute my baby water for some.

parallel-lines

@redheaded&crazie hahah oops. I think I just got secondhand re-drunk from sticking my hand in there for a piece of gum.

Angry Panda

@parallel-lines I forgot a banana in my bag for weeks and found it when I was fishing around for my wallet...twice. And this is after weeks of complaining that everything in my bag smelled like banana.
I am so gross.

KatieBarTheDoor

@redheaded&crazie Hah, when I read that I just assumed "drive" was some kind of slang for "take a shot" that I hadn't heard before.

redheaded&crazy

@KatieBarTheDoor dude that is genius. that is my new slang for taking a shot.

this shot of tequila isn't going to drive itself home!

KatieBarTheDoor

@redheaded&crazie Right?? "Who wants to drive some tequila!?" Seems appropriate to me.

Gracefully and Grandly

Also, bobby pins. Bobby pins wedged on receipts.

Nocs

@Gracefully and Grandly Are they the kind of bobby pins you can no longer use because they have gunk from unwrapped gum, or that exploded bottle of hand sanitizer I keep forgetting to clean up? Because I have those.

Gracefully and Grandly

@Nocs They're also the kinds that no longer have the rubber tip so they're more mini pricking devices/weapons than bobby pins.

Nocs

@Gracefully and Grandly OH MY GOD, when I read the email notification of your comment, I momentarily thought this was on the thread about condoms. I was so confused and so grossed out until I realized this was about *bobby pins* with no rubber tips.

daisicles

@Gracefully and Grandly I have so many bobby pins in my purse and I don't even *use* bobby pins. I suspect stealth breeding programs... or possibly the hair clips I do use are just transforming since THEY disappear from my purse two seconds after I put them in.

New Hoarder

@daisicles I haven't used bobby pins since I was about 8 (why I used them then, I'll never know, since I have the boringest hair ever), but I have random ones floating around. The normal bobbies, but also the clippy things you see gymnasts tuck their flyaways back with. I even once found a tiny, bedazzled-with-light-blue-gems one and admired it like it was The Heart of The Ocean.

Gracefully and Grandly

@Nocs ahahahahaha! You know, as I was writing rubber tips I was thinking "hmm, this sort of sounds like I'm talking about condoms. Oh well!" My comment would be a little terrifying if I were actually talking about condoms (condoms as weapons? scary). But how else do you describe the rubber end part of the bobby pin?

crane your neck

@Gracefully and Grandly Yes!! And there's no way to throw them out, because what if you lock yourself somewhere and need to pick your way out? Purses must store survival tools.

Jinxie

@daisicles Oops, sorry! Those bobby pins are mine. I've almost always got at least 5 in my hair, plus another 5-100 backup bobby pins floating around in my bag and then I leave some behind me everywhere I go. Anywhere I've been, you will find at least a few pins. I figure if I ever get lost I can probably find my way home by the trail of pins.

iceberg

Switched to a new handbag the other night and had to clean out the old (filthy, tattered) one in the process. So many receipts! Also like four tampons stashed in different pockets.

Nocs

@iceberg But where are the tampons when they're actually needed? NOWHERE.

PistolPackinMama

@Nocs I think they are in The Other Purse Dimension, falling out of someone else's bag while they are, like, in line at the library or grocery store. Which is how a brand/size I never use got in my bag once, I swear.

Better to Eat You With

@Nocs Stuck in the torn lining.

JessicaLovejoy

Loose pills, none of them the fun kind.

christonacracker

@JessicaLovejoy The bottom of my purse looks like the intro to Nurse Jackie, but with tylenol and generic prilosec.

TheLetterL

@JessicaLovejoy In the immortal words of Jane Christie, "I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises!"

Renleigh

Question for everyone: what do you do with the gum-money? Do you clean the gum off? The annoyance of trying to do that is not worth 12 cents to me, but it's not like you can throw money out. (I mean, you could, but then won't the treasury show up at your door and arrest you? That's the only logical end result.) So what does that leave?

Ophelia

I suppose you could recycle it?

Canard

@Renleigh Throw it in a fountain? As the water dissolves the gum, you'll get your wish gradually, as though you took it in a time-release capsule.

Megasus

@Renleigh I'm poor, so those suckers get cleaned off.

Renleigh

@Canard Oooh, I really like this time-release wish idea.

joana

@Renleigh Belated response, but, I throw them in the dishwasher. In a bowl or something, mind. But it seems to get most of the gunk off, and then I turn them in at the bank for bills and/or account deposit

cuminafterall

Lots of stray ibuprofens (I had a bottle explode in my handbag 2 weeks ago) and band-aid wrappers.

yeah-elle

Kleenex. So many crumpled kleenex, some new, some used. I'm so sorry (and snotty).

Sassafrass

@yeah-elle I am also this person. And it's so gross. Allergies are my nemesis.

Cawendaw

@yeah-elle Handkerchiefs. They are gross and unsanitary, but on the other hand, pocket space!

jeffersonia

You missed the slurry resultant from an exploded tube of zit cream, ripped salt packets and a pulverized parking ticket. Oh, never mind, that's a tampon wrapper.

area@twitter

Leather change purse covered in irretrievably ground-in filth. Hand sanitizer, hand sanitizer everywhere. Copy of library book (A Brief History of Time). Cheap but glorious Target sunglasses. The saddest tube of breathmints.

PistolPackinMama

Used insulin syringe, spilled bottle of used glucose strips, as opposed to new ones, that I keep when there is no trash nearby. And so, so many receipts.

katiemcgillicuddy

Oh, that condom went from "hopeful" to "mocking" some time ago.

Megasus

I don't even have a hopeful condom!
Also most of my purse is lip products, I won't even lie.

New Hoarder

@Megano! Yes! This what I enjoyed discussing in the purse-dump posts. I have a lip gloss, lip balm, and lipstick for every country, season, occasion. How they're not all melted from being pressed up my feverish heaving bosom I'll never know.

katiemcgillicuddy

Piece of paper alerting me to the prices for both a dozen and a bushel of crabs (SUMMER WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME, I SWEAR I CAN CHANGE) one plastic harmonica, 2 beer bottle caps (Fat Tire and McSorely's, respectively). A sea shell.

Blackwatch Plaid

There's a nice mix of some loose gummies from a packet that exploded and a bunch of mineral makeup from a compact that broke riding around with me right now. I've had this purse for 3 days.

annveal

@glittercock It is the worst when a compact breaks! One broke in a peripheral pocket in my purse months ago. It has become "the pocket that we neither speak of nor open. ever."

ask an ex-radiator about anything

A lone, fingerless moose mitten from last winter that somehow migrated into a new purse I bought in the spring. Yeah.

LacunaKale

@ask an ex-radiator about anything Does it know where my penguin hat went?

eringthatsme@twitter

So I just got my First Ever Grown Lady purse last week-before that, I was using a batik grocery tote my mom sewed me. So pretty! But also, not meant to schlep around stuff all the time, and had no shape whatsoever. So now I have things in there like a LIPSTICK POCKET and a CONTAINER FOR BOBBY PINS and books in the center pocket!

I predict this lasting exactly four more days before the kleenex and straw wrappers and gum stuck to loose change revolt.

fondue with cheddar

@eringthatsme@twitter I LOVE POCKETS AND COMPARTMENTS. I will not buy a purse that doesn't have them, no matter how much I love it.

Jinxie

@jen325 A CONTAINER FOR BOBBY PINS OMG YOU ARE A GENIUS WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT?? Gone are the days of leaving a trail of bobby pins behind me.

TARDIStime

@jen325
I have mixed feeling about pockets and compartments.
Pro: easy-to-access everything!
Con: easy-to-access everything (for thieves)!

fondue with cheddar

@TARDIStime I suppose it depends how the compartments are laid out. My current purse has two outer pockets, one with a snap for my phone, and one with a zipper for my wallet. The phone one is admittedly easy to access, especially since I leave it open a lot. But the zippered one is kind of a pain because it goes up and around instead of straight across. I don't know that a thief could get in it without my knowing. I don't live in a place where that commonly happens though, so it's never been much of a consideration.

Nutmeg

@Jinxie I had a bobby pin container, but then the top broke and now I have an empty bobby pin container and 100 bobbypins

polka dots vs stripes

A Moleskin page-a-day day planner
Kindle
At least 2 notepads
Misc to-do lists (some completed, some not)
30% writing implements

Yes, my purse weighs 15 pounds and I always have something to write on, why do you ask?

olivebee

@polka dots vs stripes I keep a notebook and pens in my purse, too. You never know when you'll need to write something down! (Say the smart phone havers: type it as a note on your phone. Says me: I have an 8-year-old flip phone).

I also keep to-do lists written on post-it notes in my purse. Then I forget about them, and notice the crumbled remains like a year later.

yeah-elle

@polka dots vs stripes Yesss, I also have to carry my Moleskine page-a-week planner and another tiny notebook, at all times. Sometimes when I go out, I have to convince myself not to put them (plus at least 2 pens) in my clutch. I feel naked without them.

Also I use the little notebook almost entirely for writing angry, bored messages to myself while I am waiting for the bus/appointments/late friends.

polka dots vs stripes

@olivebee Also, what good does my smartphone do if I need to write a note AND GIVE IT TO THE PERSON WHO DIDN'T HAVE A NOTEPAD?!?! HMM??

polka dots vs stripes

@yeah-elle I have a miniiii notepad and smallish pen I usually put in my clutch, unless I'm going to like, a wedding. Or anywhere with really truly heavy drinking, because in that case, I'm not going to be able to read what I wrote anyway.

Nocs

@polka dots vs stripes And what if you have to write a note that says "Learn how to park, asswipe!" and leave it on someone's windshield? I'm not gonna leave my phone on the windshield of some Land Rover that's parked in three stalls at Target!

New Hoarder

@polka dots vs stripes I always have some little snap notepad (currently the one I am carrying has penguins on it) and Bic 4-color pens (the usual, but also the girly colors), BUT I recently found out how to text/ email/ FB someone the lists I create in my Notes App. AHHHHHHHHHHHH

fondue with cheddar

@olivebee I have a smartphone but I still have a small notepad because sometimes it's just more convenient. And you can give it to people.

I hate carrying a purse so mine is small, but I always carry lip balm, tampons, a hair tie, and a pair of nail clippers. And lots of receipts, of course.

Pygmalion

@yeah-elle My moleskin planner has 10% homework and 90% intense doodles and lists of places I'd rather be than class. And I also feel very uncomfortable if I don't have a notebook with me at all times.

Ophelia

@polka dots vs stripes ....Are you Harriet the Spy?

catspajamas

@polka dots vs stripes I relate to you soooo hard! I feel like I am naked if I don't have something to write in/on and a book. So, in my ebay sourced vintage(70's) coach bag you will find....
One bulgy wallet (receipts don'tcha know)
one kindle fire (I mention this because it is the awesomest external hard drive eva! Get rid of your depo transcripts. Seriously, they're revolting!)
4 lip products they just move from bag to bag
Ball of Keys
Metropass
Small sanitizing hand lotion (genius!)
Travel size advil
Digital camera
Phone and charger
A fold up whiteboard (Loved yet never used. However, I just know one day my fold up whiteboard and I will change the World!)
And a measuring tape that has a level in it.
Writing this out has brought home that this may in fact be a sickness. I am going to press send anyway and share my shame.

redheaded&crazy

i hate how even when i say "no thanks i don't need the receipt" it gets printed out anyway. GRRR SO WASTEFUL. or even worse is when you have a gift card to say, tim horton's, and on top of displaying the balance when you swipe it, they feel they have to also give you the receipt. dislike.

Blackwatch Plaid

@redheaded&crazie In defense of poor service industry workers such as myself, most POS systems print receipts automatically. We have no say!

redheaded&crazy

@glittercock Yes! I realize it is the Evil Machine and not the service person who sees an entire shift's worth of waste and would no doubt prefer to reduce it as well!

Blackwatch Plaid

@redheaded&crazie Oh my god don't even get me started on waste. I used to work for Panera and the way they wrap things (while claiming to be a "green" company) is sickening.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@redheaded&crazie
AND receipts have BPA on them! So I at least try not to touch them. Sorry, @glittercock

sarah girl

My friend once pulled a single raw potato out of her purse. What.

sarah girl

@Sarah H. This is the same friend who kept a literal alarm clock in her purse because she was too lazy to buy a watch (this was pre-ubiquitous cell phones).

Nocs

@Sarah H. I had a teacher in elementary school whose husband had a shoulder replacement surgery. Then that joint failed so he got his replacement replaced. She chucked the first replacement shoulder joint into her purse and just sorta forgot about it. I have yet to meet someone else with a shoulder joint in her purse, but a potato is also extremely wtf.

lisma

@Sarah H. sometimes I microwave a potato for lunch, so sometimes I have a potato in my purse. Economical! Healthy!

Sara E Anderson@facebook

@Sarah H. When I'm at the grocery store to buy just a few things, they may end up in my purse. I show up at work with a tomato or onion in there sometimes.

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

@Sarah H. I like your friend!

Blackwatch Plaid

@Sarah H. I once stole a fake lemon from Crate and Barrel on a dare and carried it around for months.

Ophelia

@glittercock I once snuck into the movies with a goldfish in my purse.

olivebee

I carry an umbrella in my purse at all times, which sucks because it makes it so heavy, but who has two thumbs and never gets caught in the rain? This girl.

annveal

@olivebee Fellow Vancouverite? Perhaps?

frigwiggin

I used to keep little toys in my purse (tiny plastic dinosaur, tinier plastic Optimus Prime), but I felt too much like a hipster so I no longer have them. I miss them sometimes.

New Hoarder

@frigwiggin If I can dig up some of my authentic Micro Machines, you bet your sweet ass they'll be going into my purse.

Amphora

@frigwiggin Aww, my friend does this so she can take them out and put them on the table at a restaurant during an awkward silence.

sherbet

@frigwiggin Your friend is awesome.

martinipie

I just got a new bag so everything is cleeeean! But once, after this winter, I dug out my "summer bag" and discovered a pair of underwear AND a bra in there.

Then I remembered that was because I'd been sleeping with someone a year ago and got sad :/

New Hoarder

@martinipie NO, extra underwear is good! I often have a stash of some, but not for exciting reasons. Its so I can spend the night anytime anywhere... with friends after drinking. (Usually Mr. (non-)Hoarded is with me). So good.

sherbet

@martinipie I need a new bag so bad! Mine is looking just as sad on the outside as it is on the inside. I can't seem to find one that I like quite as much, though.

meetapossum

Receipts + napkins/tissues

I also always carry an umbrella, because YOU NEVER KNOW.

TARDIStime

@meetapossum
If you buy Rainbird brand, that shit is good for summer AND winter (UV protection for the sunny days!)

RNL
RNL

I looked. Sequinned bikini top (no bottoms). Kale, blueberry, and hemp protein smoothie. Thai baby powder. Large bottle of sunscreen. Mystery pebble (probably meaningful). One earplug. I'm ready for anything, folks.

lisma

To my dismay: CAT HAIR.

Blackwatch Plaid

@lisma SAME. And I don't even have any pets.

LilyMarlene

@glittercock Dog AND cat hair, all up in my purse's business. It comes out in a giant cloud whenever I pull something out of my purse, so am hoping it will go away via attrition. No luck so far. :/

Kate Kane

@lisma I have cat hair from my parents' cat in my bag - and on several pieces of clothing that I didn't wear to their house. How?

TARDIStime

@lisma My own hair. Also my mum's. Shedding is genetic and it's the most apparent in/on:

-mum's car seat
-computer chair in the "home office"
-the floor of my house (mainly the hallway?)

bocadelperro

a ballpoint pen that magically disappears whenever it is needed, but still manages to break and leak all over the lining?

martinipie

@bocadelperro So accurate.

supernintendochalmers

I don't mean to be a Cathy cartoon but my God, I wish society would make man bags acceptable and ubiquitous because I am so sick of carrying my bf's shit around all the time. I already have half my goddamn apartment in my purse "just in case" (hi Type A here), I don't need to add your ten pound book too, while you walk around carefree with everything you need fitting nicely in your pockets. GRRR!

itiresias

@supernintendochalmers I felt this way until my boyfriend started biking everywhere. Thus, wearing a constant backpack. Thus, my tiny purse will be just fine no matter what.

TheUnchosenOne

@supernintendochalmers A few weeks ago I just said "Fuck it!" and started carrying my messenger bag around everywhere and I could not be happier I did it. "Where am I gonna put my headphones now that I've arrived at my destination?" Throw that shit in my bag! "If I carry Chapstick in my pockets it gets kind of melty and gross, what do I do?" Throw that shit in my bag! "oh dang I need a pen, does anyone have one?" No worries, got that shit in my bag!

leonstj

@supernintendochalmers - They are! I have a nice brown leather one which is technically my laptop bag, but I carry when I go out whenever I need more stuff than my pockets allow. Current contents:

-Umbrella
-Nicorette Gum
-Loose Change
-Mets Ticket (last night, not too old yet)
-5ml cologne (Bvlgari Man, from this months birchbox)
-Little notepads
-Waiter's friend
-Pen
-Earbuds & Phone Charger
-New Restoration Hardware Catalog (TOOO BIG, RESTO. But I love you.)
-some business cards (mine)

BAGS! Fun for ladies and men!

Megasus

@supernintendochalmers It's called a messsenger bag, satchel or backpack. There are tons of acceptable man bag options! And also just refuse to let him put stuff in your purse (that's what I always used to do)!

TARDIStime

@Megano! +1! My partner is a backpack man, though - he's gently teased by his mates for not having a stylish man bag.

Sara E Anderson@facebook

My New Year's resolution, to which I have stuck, was not to let receipts build up in my purse.

Dirty Hands

@Sara E Anderson@facebook "to which I have stuck" :)

sadiejo

Several pins that always come open and stab me in the fingers when I go digging for my keys. Thank you, Hairpin, for inspiring me to finally rid my purse of stabby things.

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

I miss the "What's in Your Purse" feature that used to be on the Hairpin. Can you bring that back, please?

My Purse:
Papers dealing with the Graduate Thesis
Some kind of Engineering Textbook associated with the Graduate Thesis
Lip Gloss/Balm
Tampons
Index Cards
Pencil Case
Wallet
Keys
Cellphone

LilyMarlene

@EngNaturalBeauty@twitter I just cleaned out my purse yesterday, and it's still somehow a total catastrophe. Contents include:

- Enough highlighters, pens, pencils (mechanical, ftw), white-out, etc. to choke a horse/draw on everything forever.
- Self-care implements; i.e. tweezers, metal nail file, lip gloss, lip balm, clear and red nail polishes, menstrual supplies, this weird little sheet thing that you run under water and it becomes soap.
- Constitutional law textbook
- iPad
- Divorce papers for three discrete couples
- Phone & charger
- Earplugs that I bought with the intention of wearing to bed every night to keep bugs from crawling in my ears, but are still just sitting in my purse, all like "Oh haaaay, got any bugs crawling around your brains yet? 'Cuz we're still in here, dummy."
- A single to-do list, consolidated from about ten to-do lists scrawled on various bits of paper (the best feeling ever, until you realize how much shit you actually need to do, usually due last week.)
- My old and new passports
- Wallet, bristling with receipts and with all of my various cards just jammed inside rather than in their pockets. The cards are probably no longer there, actually.
- Gum (in blister packs, because gum wrappers give me the heebie-jeebies)
- The clusterfuck of sesame seeds, brain craziness drugs, paracetamol, ibuprofen, dog hair, headphones, hair pins, hair elastics, binder clips, paper clips, loose change, etc. that I looked at, screamed silently, and piled all of the above on top because I couldn't deal. Hahaha.

sherbet

@EngNaturalBeauty@twitter I love this! Here is my purse:
-a mug of coffee (HEY!!! I had forgotten about this! Now I have coffee to drink!)
-the boring stuff (wallet, keys, chapstick, phone, planner)
-two ipods
-journal (I really should take that out, what if I lose my purse and a stranger gets to read my deepest thoughts??? Or worse, someone I know?!)
-my boyfriend's college transcript?? why??
-a handful of to-do lists
-a cat toy
-skittles (loose in the bottom, ew)
-an army of menstrual products (divacup, tampons, and pantyliners. Which seems ridiculous, but I think I'm trying to make up for the countless times that I've been the one begging my classmates for a tampon!)

There is an amazing lack of receipts, but still a lot of random papers.

TARDIStime

@EngNaturalBeauty@twitter
That is truly amazing - may handbag would scare you and then eat your handbag, it's so hungry for MORE STUFF!!!

Pygmalion

Bringing a condom in my purse for a night out is a 100% guarantee I won't get laid (jinxing it is a thing!). The sex gods punish me for my modern woman confidence! But then there's my adopted boy scout's mantra of "Always Be Prepared" so it's really a conflicted approach.

catalina

@Pygmalion Same goes for me and body hair removal.

Dirty Hands

So much packaging!

like a rabid squirrel

As far as I can tell, my purse contains a vortex that sucks up one earring from every pair I put in there, promising myself to take them out as soon as I get home.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Always a million binder clips when I'm digging around for my keys.

No binder clips at all when I need to clip papers together.

calamity

One Hopeful Condom is totally my next band's name.

fabel

How DO the tampon wrappers always become partially unwrapped?? They always do!

Better to Eat You With

Sub a wad of used Kleenex and a crumbled cigarette for the New Yorker and you've got purse my mom always made me dig stuff out of for her when I was little.

Kate Kane

I'm proud to say I currently have NO receipts in my bag. ...Please don't look at my desk. ::nudges stack of receipts behind stack of mail::

TARDIStime

@Kate Kane
I have a drawer with every payslip I've ever received since being employed at my company in it.
When the drawer stopped closing properly, that's when I started applying for new jobs because that's how I knew I'd been in the one place too long.

Kate Kane

@TARDIStime That is making me feel much better about having paycheck stubs back to 2004! Possibly 2003, I refuse to go look.

TARDIStime

Hmmm...

in wallet alone:

-2 Burts Bees lip shimmers (rhubarb, watermelon)
-glass nail file
-clear lip gloss
-$15 notes
-lots of coins ($unknown)
-coupon for $5 burritos that just expired (but was used regularly)
-priceline card (used sporadically)
-at least 10 old train tickets + 1 valid train ticket
-Learner drivers license (barely used!)
-library card
-Mastercard Debit Card
-Medicare card (which I will marry when we get Medicare Dental in Oz)
-Business cards (for the natural therapies practitioner I work on weekends for)
-paper with my account number and BSB on it (this has come in so handy, so many times)
-member cards to at least to NSW Clubs (one expired that I'm tossing now)
-old cabcharge stub.
-a million useless receipts

TARDIStime

@TARDIStime
*member cards to at least TWO not "to" NSW clubs

TARDIStime

@TARDIStime
Just actually checked my wallet: $5 note, not $15. *sigh*

darklingplain

@TARDIStime I also have two Burts Bees lip shimmers! Raisin and fig, in my case.

zoe
zoe

@WhiskeySour what? mine IS sand... at least, I always just assumed it definitely was sand, since I live at the beach and swim almost daily, and often have togs(bikini) tossed in my bag.. but now I'm wondering, you guys. :/ Mystery! get our sand under a microscope and lets find out!

evil betty

@papayalily not-American Smarties are the food of the Gods. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smarties

Maryaed

Little kid underwear, with stars on it (currently). Because I am the mother of a sometimes incontinent person.

And the sand and filthy unwrapped tampons and receipts everyone's talking about, and some pseudo-Starburst candy from the Japanese grocery, and a pen that probably doesn't work, and a number of bill stubs. I used to always have a book or Kindle when I bus-commuted, but now, alas, not.

Never-used lipsticks in the zipper pocket.

orejitasmiamor

I seriously hope that those hopeful condoms wandering around in your purses are not loose. They can get torn or squashed and the pressure could unseal the packing. Or your nail file/keys/bobby pins/pens could puncture it. And then the condom is no good anymore, even if it is unexpired. Put them in a hardcover case, and don't leave your bag in hot cars or very cold places for long periods of time, that's not good for condoms, either! They even make condom tins! You could get a classy cigarette case! Even a reinforced coin purse might work. Just don't leave them loose in your bag because ick.

Barry Grant

So the consensus items seem to be receipts.

Why?

dennishobson

It’s hard to find knowledgeable people on this topic, but you sound like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks madeira palsticaoL

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