Tuesday, September 4, 2012


The New Problem Areas

Insufficiently glossy nipple hairs.

Already peplum-shaped hips.

Hand instinctively clawed into perfect taco-holding shape. Possibly psychosomatic.

Your boyfriend's workmate's stellar rack.

Ingrown sense of self-righteousness.

Spectral body of previous owner of car.

Hysterical pregnancy baby bump. 

Tumor housing fingernails of congenital twin; shaped just like bust of Lincoln.

Jaw that does that popping thing every damn time you eat a bagel.

"TEAM JEN" tattoo.

Post-grad neck fat imprisoning hemp necklace from undergrad.

Hole in your heart resulting from death of Gourmet.

The weird muscle thing that pops out when you flex your left ankle but not when you flex your right.

Itchy "Like" finger.

Melissa Albert is a writer and editor in Brooklyn. She usually blogs for teens, but you'll do.

70 Comments / Post A Comment




@SarahP I already have Bagel Jaw.


@Bittersweet my ankles definitely do that (she even got the sides correct)


@Ophelia Substitute "fat globule" for "muscle thing" and...me too.


@Bittersweet I have a soft globule thing only near my left ankle, too. But I never thought about it because I was examining my patch of melanin on that foot shaped like Scotland and England (no Wales).


@SarahP Shit. I had been congratulating myself on that...

Beatrix Kiddo

@Bittersweet I do too, and I don't even eat bagels.

hahahaha, ja.

@Beatrix Kiddo: Same! It happens all the time, whenever I open my jaw. Multiple makeout partners have commented on it out of concern. "I'M FINE, DID I SAY YOU COULD STOP KISSING ME?"


@hahahaha, ja. THE BAGEL JAW!!! It made orthodontia a lot more annoying. (On the plus side, the orthodontist said that I had one of the most symmetrical faces he's ever seen?)


@PatatasBravas (possibly the only positive moment I have ever had in a dentist's office)

(also possibly the only positive moment of my fifteenth year)



Anne Helen Petersen

Lyrics to Dave Matthews Band c. 1999 permanently etched in brain tissue

Daisy Razor

@Anne Helen Petersen Right next to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song.


@Daisy Razor The license plate said "FRESH" and it had dice in the mirror!


@Daisy Razor If this is a problem then everyone from my generation suffers from it.


@bitzyboozer Yeah...I thought that was a TALENT.


@Daisy Razor HAVE YOU SEEN...sorry, ahem...have you seen the Grahm Norton Show with Will Smith on it? Find it. I am serious. Find it. AH-MAY-ZING! And you have to watch it all the way through to the end because of the girl in the red chair.

Daisy Razor

@sovereignann@twitter I HAVE SEEN IT. And it is glorious. It was great to discover that both all of England and Will Smith himself still know the lyrics.


@Daisy Razor I sometimes forget how charming and seemingly just friendly and normal Will Smith is. He is such a good egg about stuff, you know? The move he makes to keep the girl from being tossed out of the chair...ah well...yeah, that one hung out on the DVR for a while so it was there for a quick pick-me-up.


@sovereignann@twitter Another reason to like Will Smith: his philosophy on his daughter's hair.

"We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little girl, it's like how can you teach her that you're in control of her body? If I teach her that I'm in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she's going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world. She can't cut my hair but that's her hair. She has got to have command of her body. So when she goes out into the world, she's going out with a command that it is hers. She is used to making those decisions herself. We try to keep giving them those decisions until they can hold the full weight of their lives."


@sovereignann@twitter Hilarious! Just watched it. I think almost every single person I know can sing this song.


@whateverlolawants whoa. I knew Fresh Prince was "cool", but I had no idea Will Smith was that cool.


@whateverlolawants Thanks for this. I'm happy to know he is as awesome as I want him to be. I sent this to my sister-in-law who is a counselor.


My nipple hairs are extremely glossy.


@OhMarie I consider this a sign of good health tho


@OhMarie What conditioner do you use? Are you one of those Mane'n Tail people?


"Hand instinctively clawed into perfect taco-holding shape" doesn't sound like a problem at all; I'd consider it an upgrade.


@mysterygirl annnd now i want a taco


@mysterygirl My mother and I both have this -- we call it "claw hand", and it is especially evident in photographs where we have been, um, imbibing. I thought the claw hand was just a physical manifestation of my desire for another highball, though I now realize I was foolish and I simply need a taco.


@gigglefest I have the same thing! Mine is oriented to arch over tye rim of a pint glass, but still.


@redheaded&crazie That taco pic up top looks sloppy + spicy. Splicy.


this is all good, but "ingrown sense of self-righteousness" is brilliant.


Pulsing twitchy feeling in side of neck whenever door between quiet workspace and noisy communal area opens unexpectedly. Comes with occasional involuntary sideways glares.


@Scandyhoovian oh those sideways glares are DEFINITELY voluntary


My "like" finger is itching something fierce!


Lots of extra elbow skin.


Teratoma or fetus in fetu? Who cares, what's not to like?


@themmases Aaaaand now I'm quoting the lady from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, talking about her "bibopsy".


I have a folder of Gourmet cover images that feed into my screen saver slideshow. The only reason I have a screen saver activated at all is so I can see the Gourmet covers once in a while.

Hot Doom

@laurel I seem like a hoarder because I have filing cases of Gourmet issues from 2006-demise. Maybe because I am a hoarder. A hoarder with a hole in my heart.


On humid days, clavicle mistakes itself for a clave, clicking in an Afro-Cuban rhythm that coworkers find charming at first, but grow to hate by lunch time.


@Probs My busted clavicle can predict rain with a 65% degree of accuracy.


Permanent/Prominent forehead wrinkles induced by loan/debt stress: one for every $1000 that I owe.


Sorry, which Jen's team am I supposed to be on?

Oh, squiggles

@Inconceivable! All of them! Be on everyone's team, and you never lose.


@Inconceivable! Aniston?


Plump, dimpled, Diana-Barry-like elbows no longer in fashion. :(

Drink All the Coffee

Is that an AoGG reference?

You'll be sorry Jo March

@suiterkin They're always in fashion at my house!


When I ride my bike a lot I get a bad case of Weird Thumb, where nothing hurts but my thumb just feels WEIRD. And then, because I'm looking at my Weird Thumb, I notice that my thumbs are different sizes and I become paralyzed and cannot discuss anything else for at least 20 minutes.

So, that's one.


@paddlepickle I have different thumbs too! One is wide and short and the other is "normal" (according to everyone else -- I wouldn't know which, if either, was "normal" by looking at my own hands.)


The taco-holding claw is the perfect way to make use of my mild case of carpal tunnel!


I have a blister on my ass from the rowing machine. Maybe I have a prominent tailbone?


I want tacos now.
Also jaw popping everytime I ate a bagel is exactly why I had to have $10,000 woth of orthodontics, so that is actually something you should be concerned about (means your jaw is not in the right position, will mean horrible life-altering headaches done the road/lockjaw when you try to brush your teeth).


@Megano! I haven't had that much in orthodontics, but I pay stupid amounts of money to let a guy who is built like a small rhino MAUL the muscles of my shoulders, neck, jaw, and face. (It could also me that your muscles work on your jaw unevenly.) Either way, it is a bitch that will bring you to mind-numbing pain and hunger as you struggle to open your mouth wide enough to even get a straw inside.
I'm not kidding. There was a week that all I could eat were smoothies, and even that was a massive struggle


@TheDragon Have you gone to see a TMJ specialist? Cuz even if you don't have a huge underbite/overbite like I did (and didn't even know, cuz it just seems normal) you could also be grinding your teeth really hard which is stressing the muscles that badly, and they could help you with that. Because that sounds awful and I was totally on the road towards that, and I'm so, so glad I did something about it even though it was expensive and braces suck.

Kate Kane

Is it a problem that my brain immediately inserted "wine" before rack in "Your boyfriend's workmate's stellar rack"?

Oh, squiggles

Yes to all of this. Being human is so, just...ugh.


Having a weird popping-out vein thing in my right calf. Not a spider vein, but big and lumpy and bulgy. My legs look smooth and dare I say toned and sexy and then OMG WHAT IS THAT?! I asked my doctor if it was going to explode and kill me, and he said no, so I guess it'll have to stay put for now. I would probably get it removed/lasered/dealt with in some way if I had insurance and/or more money, but until then it will continue to startle my acquaintances.


@NiceDress I have a weird popping-out vein thing in my left calf and no insurance! *high five?*


@sandwiches Um... yes! *high five* for uninsured weird leg veins!


Just having a peplum shaped middle section really. Peplums came out of nowhere and I'm all set to see them leave.


I have hysterical pregnancy baby bump. :-/ Come ooooonnnnn period.


AHHHmagad my fucking jaw. Seriously. What do I even do about this. I constantly worry about it which stresses me out, and then the stress causes me to constantly clench my jaw so....Where do we even go from here? I guess we go to only eating halves of extremely fresh/soft bagels at a time instead of the full bagel sandwich experience. FML.


@retrovertigo Ortho, chiropracter, massage therapist. STAT.
It's worth it. (see Megano and Dragon convo above)


ahahaha - this is fantastic; thanks

the little c

To all the clicky-jaw sufferers on this thread, acupuncture is also wunderbar. No really. I'm such a skeptic but ever since I've been going my TMJ has been like, 75% better at least.



Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account