Quantcast

Monday, September 10, 2012

57

Things That Are Used More as Murder Weapons Than For Their Stated Purpose

1. Ice picks
2. Heavy glass paperweights
3. Legs of lamb
4. Cheese wire
5. Piano wire
6. Candlesticks
7. Fireplace pokers
8. Strychnine
9. Cyanide
10. Cricket bats
11. The pointy part on top of sundials
12. Fire extinguishers
13. Tire irons
14. Lead pipes
15. Crystal decanters
16. Paper knives
17. Trained birds of prey



57 Comments / Post A Comment

RK Fire

Do people really use cricket bats as a weapon? I thought that was only used in case of zombie apocalypse.

Lucienne

@RK Fire At least one person has died from getting hit in the chest with a cricket ball.

Not a bat, though.

Megasus

@RK Fire I would if I have one. I currently have a wooden katana next to my bed in case I need to brain intruders.

TARDIStime

@RK Fire
Absolutely. Watch "the slap" for full repercussions!

puncturedbicycle

@RK Fire My English husband keeps his under the bed to deal with intruders. I'm American, so of course I keep a rifle behind the door just as my forebears did.

Myrtle

@RK Fire One can also use the bat to trash one's hotel room.

area@twitter

"17. Trained birds of prey"
Party Falcon?! NOOOO!

redheaded&crazy

@area@twitter Party Falcon!!!!!!

Myrtle

@redheaded&crazie Lol. Exactly! Party Falcon, come home! Timmy's fallen down a well!

wharrgarbl

How many people are getting murdered with legs of lamb that it outstrips the number of people devouring legs of lamb because lamb is delicious? How is this even happening?

stuffisthings

@wharrgarbl Who said they were mutually exclusive? Isn't that the whole point of using an edible murder weapon?

TARDIStime

@stuffisthings touche!

TARDIStime

@stuffisthings In addition to murder weapons like this: icicles.

Daisie Huang@twitter

@wharrgarbl I would think that the stated purpose of a leg of lamb is for lambs to stand on. That's gotta be the most-popular function of lamb legs :P

wharrgarbl

@Daisie Huang@twitter Pfft. It's not like they need all of them to remain upright.

jacqueline
jacqueline

I love Lamb to the Slaughter! Every time I think about the perfect murder, I remember that story.

Wait. How often am I thinking about "the perfect murder"? Forget I said that.

bloodorange

@jacqueline YES.

Decca

The pointy part on top of sundials = the gnomon. Big up for Jimmy Joyce for teaching me that one!

JessicaLovejoy

@Decca Am I supposed to be pronouncing that "nom nom?" Because I am.

Gawd, I could go for some lamb.

kingstitcher

Wait, what else would you use a paper knife for?

kingstitcher

@kingstitcher Ahahahaha, I was thinking of a KNIFE made of PAPER like in PRISON. You probably mean a letter opener.

wharrgarbl

@kingstitcher I assumed the same thing. Like, if you're going to the effort of making a knife out of paper, I can only assume it's for nefarious purposes.

SarahP

@kingstitcher I was all confused too! I've only heard it called a letter opene before.

ejcsanfran

@kingstitcher: Death by a thousand paper cuts.

wharrgarbl

@SarahP I think the old-timey paper knives were also used to cut apart the pages of books. Since books come pre-sliced (or, I dunno, beamed straight into your brain) these days, the only thing they're used for is opening letters.

SarahP

@wharrgarbl It could also be a regional thing, like how no one says "supper" anymore except upstate NYers and southerners.

It was the butler in the foyer with the trained birds of prey!

JessicaLovejoy

@S. Elizabeth If he'd chosen the crytal decanter, he could star in the opener of ID's "Classy As Fuck Murders."

nyikint

The woman stayed where she was, listening to them speaking among themselves, their voices thick and sloppy because their mouths were full of meat.

“Have some more, Charlie?”

“No. Better not finish it.”

“She wants us to finish it. She said so. Be doing her a favor.”

“Okay then. Give me some more.”

“That’s the hell of a big club the gut must’ve used to hit poor Patrick,” one of them was saying. “The doc says his skull was smashed all to pieces just like from a sledgehammer.”

“That’s why it ought to be easy to find.”

“Exactly what I say.”

“Whoever done it, they’re not going to be carrying a thing like that around with them longer than they need.”

One of them belched.

“Personally, I think it’s right here on the premises.”

“Probably right under our very noses. What you think, Jack?”

And in the other room, Mary Maloney began to giggle.

Anna Jayne@twitter

@nyikint I just quoted the last line of this story to my roommates last night. LOVE U ROALD

Tragically Ludicrous

@nyikint maybe childhood exposure to that story is why I love watching Deadly Women so much.

LacunaKale

Don't forget the venerable cast iron skillet. Good for frying brains, and braining ne'er do wells.

JessicaLovejoy

@LacunaKale Know what I need to read again? Daughters of Eve.

miss buenos aires

@JessicaLovejoy Are you talking about the Lois Duncan novel about the consciousness-raising group? I read that SO MANY TIMES as a... nine-year-old? The best part was when one of the moms says to her husband that maybe their son could do some housework and he says, "I was in a bar once and this guy was singing Judy Garland songs, and he sounded just like her. Do you want our son to turn out like that?"

I was fascinated by the hints at something that made no sense to me whatsoever. Was there some kind of connection between doing housework and singing? Judy Garland had such an amazing voice, wouldn't you be happy if one of your kids could sing like she did? Is he worried that his son will take to drink if forced to clean the bathroom? And a question that only occurred to me much later: what was the dad doing in that bar?

Slutface

Bookends in the shape of the Statue Of Liberty.

JessicaLovejoy

@Slutface WHEN I AM THROUGH WITH YOU!

Slutface

@JessicaLovejoy Only a few more episodes left!

olivebee

With how much Crime Library I used to read while putting off homework, I would think tire irons would be much higher on the list.

Ophelia

@olivebee Or if you make a combined tire iron/crowbar category, perhaps. "Metal sticks" just doesn't have the same ring to it, though.

frigwiggin

BUT WHAT DID PATRICK DOOOOOOOO

That drove me crazy when I was younger. I know it's not the point of the story, but ahhhhhhhh the mystery of it all.

Anna Jayne@twitter

@frigwiggin do you mean to deserve being murdered? I thought he asked for a divorce.

darklingplain

@frigwiggin Yeah, he was going to leave his pregnant wife (for another woman? That bit's a little unclear).

frigwiggin

@Anna Jayne@twitter @darklingplain

But there's that whole part where he's explaining to her something that he's done (the reason he's leaving? it's been a while), and as the reader we don't get to find out what it is!

darklingplain

@frigwiggin Well, this is the passage:

"“This is going to be a bit of a shock to you, I’m afraid,” he said. “But I’ve thought about it a good deal and I’ve decided the only thing to do is tell you right away. I hope you won’t blame me too much.”

And he told her. It didn’t take long, four or five minutes at most, and she say very still through it all, watching him with a kind of dazed horror as he went further and further away from her with each word.

“So there it is,” he added. “And I know it’s kind of a bad time to be telling you, bet there simply wasn’t any other way. Of course I’ll give you money and see you’re looked after. But there needn’t really be any fuss. I hope not anyway. It wouldn’t be very good for my job.”"

It's never explicitly stated, but I always assumed he's just telling her he's leaving her/has fallen in love with another woman.

frigwiggin

@darklingplain I guess I always assumed it was something much freakier and more interesting than that precisely because it remains untold to us. Imagination being more horrifying than anything explicitly stated etc. etc.

Beatrix Kiddo

Wait just one minute. A wrench is equally as likely to be a murder weapon as a lead pipe or a candlestick, according to my calculations.

Decca

Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky? / He got an ice pick / That made his ears burn

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

gonna call shenanis on tire iron.

fata morgana

@ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS My cousin actually was murdered with a tire iron...

fata morgana

@fata morgana Not to drag down the mood or anything.

darklingplain

Isn't the point of strychnine/cyanide to kill people? I know they have other uses, but I think of poison as their primary one.

kingstitcher

@darklingplain I had to Google these, too. Cyanide is used in mining; strychnine is primarily a pesticide, which makes its inclusion on this list suspect since its main use is still killin'.

sovereignann@twitter

The heel of a high-heeled shoe? I seem to remember this from something?

stonefruit

@sovereignann@twitter oh G-d that horrible Single White Female movie with Jennifer Jason Leigh. D: D: D: D: D: D:

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@sovereignann@twitter: 'Stiletto' is both a heel type and small assassin's dagger

Yatima

18. A vial of ricin concealed behind an electrical outlet
19. The racehorse Silver Blaze

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account