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Friday, September 7, 2012

920

Friday Open Thread

Well, how'd it go?



920 Comments / Post A Comment

Queen of Pickles

Pinners! What are you looking forward to? What are you excited about?
This weekend, this month, this season?
Here is my list:

1. Renaissance fair. (My first. God help me!) This Sunday in Tuxedo, NY.
2. Cleaning my room! (Yes, I am excited about this.)
3. Karaoke with my awesome coworker friends (in a few weeks). Honestly, I have the best coworker friends. I co-wrote a sestina with one of them earlier this week when we were bored at work. We are ridiculous ladies.
4. All my houseguests and in-town friends are gone! I’ve been hermiting, and it’s been wonderful. Friends, I love you, but I’m relieved! I can sleep in my own bed without having to wake up and make someone else breakfast… fall asleep early without having to wait up after midnight to let someone into the house… cocoon myself in a healing nest of blankets, grumpiness, cheese and old movies once in a while instead of hanging out with a new lovely friend each night when I’m dead tired, because they’re only in town for one day! An embarrassment of riches, I know. But I’m a much nicer/happier person if I get my Alone Time, and I’m several weeks in debt to myself.
6. Fall, aka the season for poetry, apple picking, sweaters, sweater tights, melancholy, tea, romance, heedlessness, toast, selling clothes/books back to stores, birthdays, and making soup on Sundays.

EpWs

@Queen of Pickles I am SO EXCITED for things to get cooler outside. FALL.

I am also excited because I am getting an actual real mattress this week and I cannot wait to sleep on it.

TheDragon

@Queen of Pickles
I'm excited for it to be cold enough to wear my fabulous knee high, whiskey colored riding-type boots. But that's still probably a good two months away or more, with where I live.

churlishgreen

@Queen of Pickles I was going to post a comment asking whether anyone had tips for snapping out of an unwarranted, days-long bad mood, but I think you've done it.

ETA: I am looking forward to the end of the fetid heat/humidity wave, and the cocktail I will be drinking soon, for starters.

Thanks, (less) churlishgreen!

chnellociraptor

@Queen of Pickles AHHH GIRRRL, HAVE SO MUCH FUN AT THE RENAISSANCE FAIR! I haven't been to one since I was a kid and always wanted to go as a legal-drinking-aged adult!

Queen of Pickles

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I love being excited about sleeping because it DOES NOT DISAPPOINT and frequently is even better than expected

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@TheDragon : Do they have buckles, straps or rings on them?

meetapossum

@Queen of Pickles I just planned our annual apple-picking excursion for the first weekend in October! Pumpkin bourbon cheesecake will also be made at some point, I'm sure.

However, I am not looking forward to wearing pants again.

TheDragon

@ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS
They have four buckles right at the top, by the knee. And they are actually knee height on me! Most "knee high" boots hit me about 3 inches below the knee.

alpacasloth

@Queen of Pickles My birthday is this month. Fall is the best because it means we can stop using the A/C nonstop every day and start wearing pants again. And I am going to Paris for Christmas, so that is the major life event that I am looking forward to.

OhMarie

@Queen of Pickles Sweater tights!! I am totally buying either a pair of sweater tights or a pair of thigh-high socks TODAY.

Porn Peddler

@Queen of Pickles Fall and winter and sweaters and snuggles and warm drinks and volunteering at my scuzzy hippie friends' bakery and my man's new job!

Nocs

@Queen of Pickles I feel you on item #4. Last time I moved, I made the mistake of inviting over a friend for a whole week. By the end of it, I just wanted to be alone to Nest in my new place!!

Queen of Pickles

@Porn Peddler Your list of things just made me so happy! Oh man. Time to go to the Winter Boyfriend store.

Cat named Virtute

@Queen of Pickles Yesssss, I am so excited for fall! Tea and sweaters and perfect spooning weather and fall tv starting and all the elm trees in my city turning the most beautiful yellow gold and pumpkin beer and Thanksgiving and Halloween and all that gorgeous autumn prairie air in my lungs.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Queen of Pickles Oh man, Renaissance fair is the besssst. Getting drunk, eating turkey legs and watching jousting matches? That's heaven. You better believe I try to go every year. Have fun!!

MilesofMountains

@Queen of Pickles
Hiking this weekend on a (I'm told) beautiful trail that leads up to a glacier that's only accessible for a few months a year, and also canning the bags of carrots and beets my boyfriend's sister gave me! I love love love fall so much.

dale

@MilesofMountains Ooooh, where's the glacier?

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@TheDragon : *thumbs up, nods approvingly*

TheDragon

@ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS
Thank you, good sir.

MilesofMountains

@dale Northern BC, east of Terrace. I love glaciers! I can't get enough of them, they're so old and pretty.

Judith Slutler

@TheDragon Boots! Yes! I am excited for my boots.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

These are the only boots I own.

dale

@MilesofMountains ...I assume that is the root of your username?

Sometimes I think about moving away to another part of the country, but it's pretty hard to get mountains + ocean anywhere else, so here I remain.

TheDragon

@ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS
I own two pairs of fashion boots, two pairs of cowboy boots, a pair of hiking boots, and ski boots. I am a boot-a-holic

TheDragon

These are my boots that I'm excited about: http://photos.yournextshoes.com/2011/09/steve-madden-styles-september-2011/steve-madden-miidori-cognac-leather/

MilesofMountains

@dale I just moved from the ocean to the mountains a couple of years ago. Not going to lie, I'd go back to the ocean in a heartbeat if I could, but mountains and glaciers are a pretty good consolation prize. The only place I've found that "has it all" is Stewart, BC/Hyder, Alaska. It's a port town ringed by crazy beautiful mountains covered in glaciers. It's really too bad it's a sketchy, sketchy town that spends half the winter with all road access blocked by avalanches.

Lexa Lane

@TheDragon I miss my boots so much. Every time I open my closet I look down at them and sigh wistfully. I have my Fryes (Harness), my Doc Marten lace ups, my black-with-a-brown-top flat riding boots, my brown suede fuck-me boots (not that anyone's ever taken me up on it, but that's what they are)...come on, weather! Cool off just a little bit more! Boot season is the second most wonderful time of the year!

dale

@MilesofMountains Ha ha, Stewart, yeah. I worked for an occupational health clinic that had dealings with a company based there (they would need entrance medical exams for workers & we were the organizers of that part) and based on the things our liaison would say, I knew it was a dodgy, dodgy place.

I think I could probably be convinced to move to Prince Rupert, though. Or Haida Gwaii, or Sointula, if I was a little less worried about the potential for the ocean water to rise and sweep away my home.

schrodingers_cat

@Queen of Pickles You will have so much fun at the Renaissance fair. They are amazing.
Things I am looking forward to:
1) 2-week road trip with my plate tectonics class. 2 weeks of gorgeous landscapes, being a greaseball, and looking at rocks.
2) Sweater dress season. I love sweater dress season.

sherbet

@Queen of Pickles I am SO excited about Fall, too!!!! I can't wait to be able to turn the oven on and bake something without feeling like I'm making the whole house into a sauna. it's been in the 80s here, but I keep wearing jeans and hoping the weather will cool down. I also LOVE apples, but have never been apple picking, so I really think I need to make that happen.

Here's my "things I'm excited about" list:
1. I just moved into my boyfriend's house, I'm excited to get all my stuff settled in and to finally have a place that will be home. Also, to get to spend more time with him, because he works nights so weekdays have always been hard.
2. NEW JOB. Oh god, I am having ALL the feelings about this. I am excited, but also pretty terrified.. this my first job in my new career (I just finished school last week!), so, um, excited and anxious all at once. AAAHHH.
3. Making all the money at the new job so that I can buy all the yarn I want and knit allllll fall/winter.

Springtime for Voldemort

@Queen of Pickles Renaissance Festival!!! Have sooo much fun!!!

1) Eddie Izzard!!!!! He is coming to my campus, even though I live in the US!!! He is my biggest heart/vagina feels, of people I do not know in real life, except for maybe Natalie Portman.
2) Even though apparently Ugly is what's in this season, I just found the most adorable sweaterjacket and shall wear it everywhere and look cute.
3) Fall is here, for the entire two weeks before it shall snow, then become 90/100 degrees again, then blizzard, then 90 degrees... We do not so much have fall and spring, so much as alternate winter and summer, which is sad because they are my favorite seasons. Except for a glorious two weeks, which is now!

JaneDoe

@papayalily
OMG Eddie Izzard!! I'm so jealous! He's my favorite comedian!

Springtime for Voldemort

@JaneDoe I know!!!! I do not even understand it - on his page, it does not anywhere say he will be state-side, only European (oh, excuse me, "world" tour...). And yet!

They only had student tickets, with this "must present student ID for entry", and so now I must scheme ways for my friends who are not students but who totally are coming with me to gain entry, perhaps through bribery or flashing. (Or, student ushers who do not give a shit.)

vittoriama

is so awesome...@v

TheDragon

This week was rough. But next week will be better.

Right?

EpWs

@TheDragon God I hope so.

TheDragon

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
<3 you, Everpresent!

professionalmess

@TheDragon It has to be, right?

JadedStone

@TheDragon if it's not better next week, I am quitting.

EpWs

@TheDragon <3 u too, Dragon!

romastrega

@TheDragon If it's not, I'm screwed.

area@twitter

@TheDragon Right. It's going to be better. (And if it's not, there's always the option of Fire(tm).

TheDragon

@all
Let's just all run away together. Can I kidnap my cute, smart, funny vertebrate TA and take him too? He, my dog, and my best friend have been the only bright spots to this week, and I'm ignoring my crush on him so hard cause he's my TA! (Control yourself, Dragon.)
But he wouldn't be my TA if we left...

MilesofMountains

@TheDragon Law of averages says yes. Right?...right?

TheDragon

@area@twitter I do feel like I have a leg-up on this Fire thing.

area@twitter

@TheDragon I walked into work this morning saying to myself "use this rage, channel it and use it."

Maryaed

@TheDragon Yes, but I call dibs on the invertebrate TA.

TheDragon

@Maryaed Works for me. For just a moment I read that as "verebrate TA" and was like, "OH MY GOD I AM THE ONE KIDNAPPING HIM, HE IS MINE!"
I am apparently as good at reading comprehension as I am at sharing.

TheDragon

@area@twitter I directed mine at the kid who kicked my laptop off my desk in class. I think my prof is now afraid of me.

TheDragon

@area@twitter You're a bad influence.

I like it.

TheDragon

@area@twitter

umm where did your comments go? I look crazy.

I swear there was someone replying to me, you guys.

Maryaed

@TheDragon I like them floppy. Your spine-having guys are safe from me.

PistolPackinMama

@TheDragon It seems like this week kicked the asses of a lot of people. WHAT UP UNIVERSE?

TheDragon

@PistolPackinMama Seriously. It especially needs to back off a certain couple who have my heart. I think you know of who I speak.

MoonBat

@TheDragon Yep. And that's why I am not even bitching, just sending good vibes out into the universe in hopes that they will receive A BREAK ALREADY and get to enjoy the bond that has been strengthened by all of this adversity.

TheDragon

@MoonBat True. I feel like I would take on a few more troubles if they could just catch a freaking break. Cause my troubles are really not that bad.

Reginal T. Squirge

@TheDragon

Nope. It never gets better. It just gets different. Count me in on the running away. I think the only solution is to just leave the country forever.

Emby

Going to the Found Footage Festival in Arlington tonight!!! It is annually one of my very favorite events! Oh man. I am so happy.

Queen of Pickles

@Emby Found Footage Festival? That sounds amazing! Like, home videos? Old PSAs? Do they set any of it to music?

Emby

@Queen of Pickles All of the above. ALL OF THE ABOVE.

PistolPackinMama

@Emby !! That does sound fab. Oooh.

melis

oh my god please read the second to last comment in the "Love Letters" article and then come back here and help me pick my jaw up off the flooooooooor

evil melis

I TOO AM SPEECHLESS

melis

"Exes? On MY Hairpin?"

Daisy Razor

@melis Whoa. Huh. Yeah, I got nothing either.

redheaded&crazy

@melis only my greatest nightmare

Gertrude

@melis it's more likely than you think.

Lustful Cockmonster

@melis Holy Cannolli...

melis

@Gertrude OH MY GOD WHICH ONE OF MY EXES ARE YOU

punkahontas

@melis Someone is cyberstalking you! Wow. And so hidden down there as the last commenter.

melis

@punkahontas AND IT'S ABSOLUTELY THAT EX because only they would know it was in an envelope with gifts! Which leaves me with the following questions (among others): how great is it that now someone has said "BUT I NEVER GOT YOUR LETTER UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE" too me? also how terrible is it that this was not SHOUTED AT ME THROUGH THE RAIN but left in an overwrought pseudonymous blog comment??

tealily

@melis Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!!! This makes me so happy and sad. It is exactly the right thing, I think.

Megasus

@melis It should definitely go in the screenplay!

paperbuttons

@melis pseudonymous blog commenting is the new shouting through the rain.

Reginal T. Squirge

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO RESPOND. NEVER.

punkahontas

@melis Yeah, that's true, it could have been much more cinematic!

Do you feel a sense of closure? Or new "what ifs"?

dj pomegranate

@melis Which comment which comment can someone please provide a linkkkkkk thankkkks! #rubbernecking

Reginal T. Squirge

"It's not too late for you to become a person of substance." - Frances McDormand to Billy Crudup in Almost Famous

katiemcgillicuddy

@melis are you maybe thinking about talking to him?

EpWs

@Reginal T. Squirge "It's never too late for now." - Pete Hornberger to Frank Rossitano in 30 Rock.

highfivesforall

I am basically hyperventilating, over here.

SuperGogo

What, I'm supposed to just leave Hairpin for the weekend now and not know what happens next??

melis

@katiemcgillicuddy ahahahahahahahahhahahaha no.

katiemcgillicuddy

@melis Ok FINE. I was just hoping maybe the whole "shouting in the rain" scenario could still happen.

PistolPackinMama

@melis *speechless*

(rarely happens, but when it does...)

Jennifer Culp

@melis "@Gertrude OH MY GOD WHICH ONE OF MY EXES ARE YOU"

SEAN K.! SEAN K.!

katiemcgillicuddy

@Jennifer Culp This made me go lolz.

EpWs

I need to find a dress to wear to my boyfriend's friend's wedding. There will not be alcohol and I won't know anyone. It's in early October, indoors, and the ceremony is at 4pm. DRESS ME, HAIRPIN. (Or just give me hints on how to handle/dress for this thing. Currently the plan is: look hot. I have no idea how to achieve this.)

(I really want the Anthro dress from today's bargain bin, but it's backordered and I'm not sure it would fit!)

Megasus

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher well what sorts of dresses do you like?

JadedStone

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
no.
alcohol.

.... Does this affect the dress? Must you wear sleeves?

Blushingflwr

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I would say casual to semi-formal and colorful. Is it in a church or other religious building? What's the dress code for that building (e.g. do you need to cover your limbs/cleavage to a certain extent)?

I would probably go for a knee or mid-calf length dress, in blue or red or purple, but I don't know your coloring. And cute shoes, but that goes without saying.

EpWs

@Megano! Nothing too terribly girly (if a dress can be such a thing--mostly not so much into ruffles or collars). Simple, with interesting details like architectural structuring or the pretty pretty ruching (rouching?)/draping from that Anthro dress. Jewel tones are best on me, and I'm short and hourglassy so things need to hit above the knee and be able to handle hips/boobs. I'm open to prints or solids!

JadedStone

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/

EH VOILA

Daisy Razor

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Have you tried eShakti? They have some lovely jewel-toned dresses.

EpWs

@JadedStone I don't think sleeves are necessary. YOU CAN TAKE MY COCKTAILS, BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE MY SLEEVES. (I prefer straps to sleeves anyway.)
Also. That website. JAWDROP.

Megasus

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher How's about this one: Link text Bonus you put in your height so it won't be too long.
OK I still don't fully understand linking but it works so whatever.

EpWs

@Megano! I don't see a link! If you want to just paste in the url that's totally fine.

katiemcgillicuddy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Make sure to dress yourself with a nice flask. Seriously, weddings without booze, I vote no on this.

EpWs

@Blushingflwr Wedding's at a church, reception is in the reception hall of a local seminary-and-Christian-college. I don't think sleeves are required.

EpWs

@katiemcgillicuddy Amen, sister.

Megasus

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Ahhh wtf it was totally working before I edited the post!
http://www.eshakti.com/Product/CL0024357/Colorblock-twill-dress

EpWs

@Megano! There it is! (If you edit a post, it smashes any and all of your html to smithereens.)

Also, PRETTY!

theotherginger

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher dry weddings are not the most fun. The last one I was at had no flasks, but it saved me from a hotel out of town. So, that was a win. Flask if at all possible. I'm sure you will make friends. But suss them out first.

HeyThatsMyBike

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I first read this as "Boyfriend's wedding" and was so full of questions. Don't know what your budget is, but I love some of the dresses at Last Call NM (lastcall.com). Wait like...3 days and they will have a 30% or 40% off sale. And they ship lightning-fast.

EpWs

@HeyThatsMyBike HAH. "Hairpin, what do I wear to my boyfriend's wedding that I am going to WITHOUT ALCOHOL?"

(Answer: NOTHING, or A FLASK.)

Also, that website. I am dyyyyying.

HeyThatsMyBike

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher They seriously have a 40% off sale like every other week, so it becomes quite affordable!

katiemcgillicuddy

@HeyThatsMyBike Haha, that's how I read it at first, too.

Megasus

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher http://www.lastcall.com/p/JB-by-Julie-Brown-Belted-Kimono-Dress-Dresses/prod12190018_cat000001__/?eItemId=prod12190018&cmCat=search&searchType=GUIDED&icid=&rte=%252Fstore%252Fcatalog%252Ftemplates%252FP4E.jhtml%253FparentId%253Dcat000001%2526itemId%253Dcat000001%2526N%253D4294967142%252B4294967292%2526menuPath%253Dcat000000_cat000001 :O
Holy fuck that is a long link

katiemcgillicuddy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Hallelujah. If you don't have a flask (or like me, couldn't find it in time for the ball game the other night and ended up buying 8 dollar beers) just buy one of those lil fella bottles that are almost flask sized.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@katiemcgillicuddy Again, it's hard to pick a dress for someone without knowing style or what flatters them, but... this dress is the best-ever shade of green: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/break-into-a-scallop-dress

annagram

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Ruffles? I don't know how long it would take from Australia but, pretty! And there are loads of other nice things in that store.

EpWs

@Megano! So gorgeous and comfortable-looking, but I think I'd feel like I was wearing a bathrobe all night? I mean, I can rock a bathrobe, but I think I'd need booze. DAMMIT ALL.
@Rookie SUCH A GOOD COLOR.
@annagram Ruffles aren't really my thing, but that is lovely!

Thank you again, everyone, for your phenomenal good taste and advice. Keep it coming. :)

WhiskeySour

I got really (kind of embarassingly) excited about the embroidered journal quilt squares from earlier this week. I love crafty things. And I know other 'Pinners are artsy/crafty/talented, too. It got me thinking, maybe it would be fun to start a Hairpin craft group? Partially just to share what we've been working on or ask for advice, but maybe to also do craft-alongs or sew-alongs in the future? I just thought that I would throw it out there and try to gauge interest. Would anyone be interested?

olivebee

@WhiskeySour Interested!

Queen of Pickles

@WhiskeySour Yes! Do you live in New York? Can there be a crafty meetup? Could it be at a bar? (Possibly I am inspired by your username...)

redheaded&crazy

@WhiskeySour we are talking about embroidery thread and crafty projects over at the fashion google group right now JUST SAYIN

WhiskeySour

@Queen of Pickles No, I'm not in NY. I was thinking more of an online-style thing, which is clearly not as awesome, but still fun?

professionalmess

@WhiskeySour Yes! Do it!

Lustful Cockmonster

@WhiskeySour This is relevant to my interests.

Anna Jayne@twitter

@Queen of Pickles I am in NY and I would be down for crafts and also pickles. And also whiskey sours.

WhiskeySour

@WhiskeySour Okay, did it: Hairpin Crafters Google Group I hope this works properly - I'm learning as I go along.

MilesofMountains

@WhiskeySour I uh, may have gone out and bought embroidery supplies yesterday. It's been so long since I've done any embroidery! I'm totally up for a group.

bocadelperro

@MilesofMountains I haven't done any embroidery in about a year, and I'd also be up for a group!

redheaded&crazy

@MilesofMountains art supply buying twins! I bought so much embroidery thread yesterday! although to be honest i've never done anything with it except friendship bracelets hahaha summer camp guys!!!

MilesofMountains

@redheaded&crazie It's just so pretty! I want all of it! All the shiny colourful thread!

baked bean

@WhiskeySour I'd join!

Changeling

@WhiskeySour
woooo I'm joining this group!

phlox

@WhiskeySour I am in too!

katiemcgillicuddy

You guys! So, ok, you guys. I am kind of freaking out a little cause I am doing Tough Mudder tomorrow and I'm half convinced it will actually be what kills me (I always hoped for hail of gunfire after a high speed car chase, but whatever). Has anyone done it? Is anyone doing it tomorrow (the Mid-Atlantic one)?!? Am I going to surely perish?!

EpWs

@katiemcgillicuddy PLEASE UPDATE US, you will not die and you are amazing! I've got a group of friends who all want to do it at some point int he future. You are a badass!

terrific

@katiemcgillicuddy AHH, it will be amazing! I have not done Tough Mudder but it's a Huge Thing in my boyfriend's group of friends and they all love it and are obsessed. You're gonna do so great! It looks really fun!

katiemcgillicuddy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher IF I AM NOT HERE MONDAY IT IS BECAUSE I WAS NOT LONG FOR THIS WORLD.

Seriously though, thanks. Yeah, I'm just nervous, I was pretty okay about training but I went on vacation and backed off a little, and then I got a goddamn sinus infection last weekend, but I think I'll be fine. And hey, my 125 dollars gets me a free beer and a t-shirt which, exciting! (I really, really want the t-shirt so I can wear every day for the rest of my life.)

katiemcgillicuddy

@terrific It does look fun but also, yikes! But yeah, thanks!

katiemcgillicuddy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Oh and if you have friends who want to do it at some point, tell them it gets more and more expensive the longer you wait to sign up (cost one of my buddies like $175 as opposed to $125). I signed up the very last day for the original rate of $125 and that was mid February. So the sooner the better!

PistolPackinMama

@katiemcgillicuddy Guess who will be doing one NEXT WEEKEND? Report back and reassure me.

billie_crusoe

@PistolPackinMama Good luck gals! I kind of want to do one now? but I need about 10x more upper body strength than I have now.

katiemcgillicuddy

@billie_crusoe I've been working on the upper body strength (I'm like 5'2", buck 13, so yeah) but I have a bum right elbow, motherfucker will fall right out of the socket if I pull it the right (wrong) way (but it hasn't done it in a long while). Makes me nervous. So I know there will be much falling in the muddy water for me. Which is cool, I can swim pretty well. The best thing I bought to train was an 8 pound medicine ball, AMAZING. Bout 20 bucks, totally worth it. Definitely helped the upper body strength. If you're gonna sign up (like I said up-thread) the longer you wait, the more expensive it is, so check it out! It seems pricey, but basically I paid $125 to force myself to get in shape. Gyms are way more, and not nearly as fun or heartening! And much of the proceeds go to "Wounded Warriors". Pretty worth it. Go make a team and sign up! Go buy a medicine ball! (And you get a t-shirt that says you are a "Tough Mudder" so you can be like, "whaaaat, look at my tshirt")

katiemcgillicuddy

@PistolPackinMama I will report back, assuming my mother isn't planning some sort of terrible Irish wake for me because I had a heart attack when I was shocked with 10,000 volts of electricity. GOOD LUCK IN CASE I DON'T MAKE IT OUT ALIVE. (Have you ever done one before/this is my first).

billie_crusoe

@katiemcgillicuddy I do have a 10 pound medicine ball I bought at the beginning of the summer that I should definitely use more than once a week. I like it a lot! Do you do any particular exercises you find helpful? I'm still trying to figure that part out. I'm doing my first half-marathon this fall, and if that goes well I'm going to do a tri in the spring, so next fall could be a good time to try the tough mudder. After I hear from you and PPM how terrible it is :P

katiemcgillicuddy

@billie_crusoe First, I will just spin it around my waist as I walk around (I drop it sometimes, so be careful). I play catch with it (with myself and with my buddies I train with). But as far as a specific and quick regimen? We play catch for as long as we can without getting ridiculous (10 minutes?) and then 1.) with one of those giant rubber ball guys, I have us do 5 sets of 20 "crunches" (left, right, left, right, so much more effective with the rubber ball) and in between sets we throw the medicine ball as high as we can 10 times. Then, while one of us does pushups, the other spins the medicine ball as fast as possible around their waist. We also run with weights, which some people aren't fans of, but I think it does more good than bad. We run with them and do sets of 10 pushing out, left, right, up, down. Take the medicine ball in one hand, and throw it right up in the air and catch it with the other hand. Go slowly if you need, you'll adjust to the weight. And you've got 10 pounds so, hey, way to be a badass. We also "run laps" on the playground where they have pretty decent equipment (monkey bars, crazy climb things, balance beams). Do crunches with the medicine ball. Ankle weights. Football, basketball. I do "push-ups" on the kitchen counter corners when I cook. Basically, take the stairs, work out whenever you can, and carry heavy things. Oh, and sprints, and the quick foot drop (go back and forth between each foot stepping up and down as fast and you can, then hit the ground on your front, and then get up and do it as many times as you can, count to 5 or 10). Oy.

katiemcgillicuddy

@katiemcgillicuddy And if you're wondering what I call this? It's "The Aristocrats"!

OxfordComma

@katiemcgillicuddy : BOOOOOYAHHHH!!!!!!!

I'm running the Zombie 5K in October, and I am also totally freaking nervous about it.

You can do it!

billie_crusoe

@katiemcgillicuddy Damn, girl! I think I need to print this out! I am lucky and have a university gym right now, but I feel like I hurt myself less with the medicine ball than I do with regular free weights or machines. I am good at getting my cardio every day, but I have trouble motivating myself to do strength training.

@OxfordComma AH I wanted to do that! But it's expensive and the one closest to me is Atlanta, which is still far. Have fun!!!

katiemcgillicuddy

@billie_crusoe Oh, medicine ball is so forgiving and so efficient. And it sounds a little much, but we do the whole thing fast, and then we go have a drink or six. It's fast, quick, and workable.

katiemcgillicuddy

@billie_crusoe @OxfordComma Thanks! Medicine ball crushes free weights. Ahhh, thanks!! :)

themegnapkin

@katiemcgillicuddy Fun!! I have done two. They're definitely hard, but fun and manageable. For the ones I did (Pocono Mountains, PA in early spring), the cold was the biggest obstacle. You get wet early and stay wet, which is hard when it's around 40 degrees. Following that, the running. I'm a runner, but the first time the hills got to me, and the second time I was coming off an injury, and by around mile 10 I wanted to curl up in a ball.
You can skip any obstacle you want. I skipped monkey bars both years. The first year, the mud pit underneath was too shallow, so folks were breaking bones when they fell (they've since remedied this issue), and the second time, I think I could have done it, but my fingers were so numb, I didn't trust them to operate.
My advice: SKIP THE ELECTROSHOCKS. I did it once, and it was so strong it nearly knocked me down. I'm about your size, so that may have something to do with it. My teammates didn't feel the effects so strongly, so ymmv, but never again for me. It made me cry.

katiemcgillicuddy

@all Holy. Actual. Shit. I did it. I'm kind of stunned. I really thought I might have to skip a couple obstacles but I did every. fucking. obstacle. Ice bath (that was how we STARTED the thing), electroshocks (which, I really have no words), jumping 15 feet into pitch black water (oh man that was scaaaary) fell into the water at the monkey bars and balance beam but whatever, whole nine yards. I can't even. SOMEBODY IS GOING TO MAKE A DRINK RIGHT NOW, OH YES SHE IS. (anyway, thanks y'all for being so supportive:))

And PPM you'll crush it next weekend, and I can't tell you how SATISFYING it will be.

katiemcgillicuddy

@OxfordComma Haha, we ran through where the do the Zombie 5K and there was all sorts of zombie stuff already, it was entertaining. You'll kill it in October.

katiemcgillicuddy

@PistolPackinMama Couple pro-tips: Go waterproof gear, obviously, and bring masking tape for your shoes. When you get to a particularly muddy obstacle tape them up, and then when you finish, remove tape. Keeps em from gettin' too caked (I forgot to do this and I was fine, but it would have been nice). Oh, my shorts were like, straight falling down at times from the weight of the mud and water, shorts with really, really strong elastic will make things more comfortable. And enjoy the view during the after party when a rack of hot guys are standing around without shirts on, soaking wet. Just, yes.

EpWs

@katiemcgillicuddy OORAH. Knew you could do it! Now I'm hyped for my hypothetical future Tough Mudder--the masking tape is a good idea!

PistolPackinMama

@katiemcgillicuddy YAY! Well done you!

Also, tape what part of it? All of the shoe? Or just... where? I am having a hard time envisioning this...

katiemcgillicuddy

@PistolPackinMama Wrap tape around the whole shoe. Point being that it guards the bottom of the shoe from the mud. Mud WILL get caked up on your shoes, so this way it gets caked up on the tape, you take off the tape and voila! You can't wear cleats or spikes, so tape won't affect the grip of your shoe. Just wrap it around it, from the tongue to the tip (that's what she said/I will show myself out).

(Oh, and you are going to love the cuts and bruises, they are aaaaamazing. I should upload a picture, I look like I got mugged, twice. Honestly though, I am so, so, soooo happy I did this. It was absolutely, positively insane. Despite the pain, I feel phenomenal. I will absolutely do it again.)

katiemcgillicuddy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher OORAH! Thanks!! Gotta do it man, it was incredible. I knew it was crazy, I knew what I had to do, but until you get there? Oh, you have no idea. But what an experience. To say I recommend it highly is a massive understatement.

katiemcgillicuddy

@PistolPackinMama Oh, and! They are a little notorious for screwing up registration. Guess who had to go to information to figure out their stuff. Yeah. Me and about 100 other people (unhappy people) who signed up in February, at the beginning of registration. My buddy signed up like, a month ago, but they had his stuff all set. So. Ultimately it was fine, they found my info right away, but they found it literally at 7:58 and our start time was 8 a.m. Just make sure you get there at least an hour before your start time, the staff is friendly and they work hard, but they do have a habit of screwing this up.

katiemcgillicuddy

@PistolPackinMama And the later you start? The earlier you need to leave to get there. We were in the first wave, so we were cool, but we ran by traffic a number of times and it was so, so bad. I bet many people started *at least* an hour after their scheduled time.

gobblegirl

I start my grad program on Monday. I am so excited, so excited, so excited, so scared!

soul toast

@gobblegirl Oooh, what type of program?

gobblegirl

@soul toast An MA in international and intercultural communications! I am going to study advocacy strategies for public policy!

soul toast

@gobblegirl That sounds so awesome! Good luck!
Also, in my experience, and from talking to other grad students, the first term is usually pretty intense. I think they do that to make sure that everyone who goes through is focused on the subject. If it's hard, just remember that you can do it!

gobblegirl

@soul toast I am mostly excited, hardly scared at all (though maybe that's foolish)!

katiemcgillicuddy

@gobblegirl Obligatory Jessie Spano reference. (But yes, good luck, it'll go great!)

billie_crusoe

@gobblegirl Good luck / Yay! That sounds cool / interesting! I just started grad school again 3 weeks ago, and I actually really like grad school! I also liked grad school when I was doing my master's, so I think it will hold :)

Daisy Razor

I got my wisdom teeth out this morning. Ow. Also: Vicodin is a massive disappointment so far, in both the pain-killing and entertaining-narcotics senses.

Please spam me with pretty things, cute animals, Avengers fanfic, or the most awesome thing you saw on the internet this week. I need to stay conscious long enough to finish my Campbell's tomato soup.

Lee Van Queef

@Daisy Razor How about THIS! Maybe you too will get uncontrollably sleepy!

sophi

@Daisy Razor http://archiveofourown.org/works/414165 <- Adorable Avengers fanfic that deals with Steve moving to Brooklyn and having to deal with hipsters. It is, possibly, my favorite thing in the world.

(Also, I got my wisdom teeth out last summer, so you have ALL MY SYMPATHY. Vicodin just makes me really sleepy and itchy and nauseous, it is no fun at all.)

maiasaura

@sophi Vicodin is not my friend either, so when I had my wisdom teeth out, I asked for demerol instead, which is how I learned that demerol is AWESOME. A+, would take again.

Cat named Virtute

@Daisy Razor If you're into Project Runway, this made my week: http://academictimgunn.tumblr.com/

katiemcgillicuddy

@Daisy Razor Have you ever watched the British show "Misfits"? It is genius and perfect for recovery time.

Cat named Virtute

@katiemcgillicuddy Omg, loooooove Misfits. SAVE ME BARRY.

(I swear, when I'm not mooning over a girl or being depressed, all I do in open threads is quote Misfits and Arrested Development)

katiemcgillicuddy

@Cat named Virtute "WE WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!" It's the best. I can't wait to download it illegally (haha kidding, legally, obvs) in November.

Cat named Virtute

@katiemcgillicuddy Is that when season 4 starts? Ladyfriend and I were trying to figure it out to no avail the other night.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Cat named Virtute I think right around Thanksgiving? I've been waiting for months.

Changeling

Soapwalla deodorant, day 1 report: Full day of hot, sweaty work on the farm, and I'm not even the tiniest bit stinky. Well, not from my armpits anyway.

Valley Girl

@Changeling Ooh, I've been alternating Trader Joe's deodorant with my usual Mitchum mega stuff and I'm definitely feeling rank as hell on the TJ days. I might have to get over my aversion to using a cream if Soapwalla is really all everyone says it is.

Canard

@Changeling Yesterday was my first day using Soapwalla too! My report: After a long day and some nervous sweating from teaching,
my armpits were damp but smelled totally fine, as though I'd lightly spritzed my shirt with tap water. However, in the evening they started to burn like crazy, and this morning they're a little red and sore. I'm going to give it a couple more days, but if the irritation doesn't get better, I might have some Soapwalla you can have. :(

frigwiggin

Final notice for a while: if anybody wants to do a mixtape swap, email me at figwiggin[at]gmail[dot]com! I know interest in this is dying down, but I have two people in the queue who need partners (one US/Canada, one international) so if I can at least get two more people interested, then we're good! Send me your address, whether you can ship internationally or not, and any info you'd like to include about your musical taste, and we'll boogie!

(I finally sent my three mixtapes out last night, so look out for them, ladies!)

KatieBarTheDoor

@frigwiggin I sent my swap partner a CD 3 weeks ago and haven't gotten one back, so now I'm worried my mix was so lame that she hates me and isn't going to bother. :(

geek_tragedy

@frigwiggin

I would! Check yer email!

Also, Happy birthday! I just saw what you wrote below. I hope you have a superexcellent day.

yeah-elle

@frigwiggin I just rushed here to say I just got my mix in the mail and I am so excited! I haven't even listened to it yet, because I just got home, but I'm sure it will at the very least be awesome to see what someone else put together. Mystery-mixer, I have no idea what your name is on here, but expect yours in the mail soon!

whizz_dumb

I'm in. So glad I noticed that this is happening.

redheaded&crazy

@frigwiggin I bought my embroidery thread! I am getting my friendship braceleting on!

alannaofdoom

@KatieBarTheDoor - me too! I was out of town for two weeks so I made sure to get it out before I left, and I thought for sure there'd be something in the mail when I got home... Maybe our mixes were just so awesome that they are unfollowable? I think that's a better explanation.

anachronistique

@frigwiggin I STILL have to buy a blank CD, and all the office-supply stores are overrun by crawling hordes of students. :( I AM THE WORST. But I haven't forgotten! (Also I haven't received mine! But no bigs.)

Plant Fire

@KatieBarTheDoor Maybe she's just slow? I say this because the day I got my mixtape partners I painstakingly spent the whole day creating a mix cd...and only just know realized I forgot to send it. Fortunately I haven't received a mix either so hopefully we're on the same page but maybe yours is still coming in the mail.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@frigwiggin
I put mine in the mail today, though God knows how long it will take to escape the Chicago postal service...

frigwiggin

@KatieBarTheDoor @alannaofdoom

Hm, I'll send out an email to everyone reminding them to make sure they get their CD in the mail. Some people are just slow at this. (I know I was, because blah blah Dad came to visit blah blah could only burn them at work blah excuses.)

If more time goes by and anyone hasn't gotten their CD, drop me a line and I'll contact your partner to see what's up. I want to make sure everybody who makes a mix gets a mix!

MarioLopezSucks

@frigwiggin I'll send you a mixtape! I love creating people cd's that they can't help but jam in the car to.

Audley

@frigwiggin I was just working on my liner notes for my mixtape (lots of opera, so lots of translations). I just mailed a letter to my mixtape pal assuring her that I'm mailing the cd tomorrow. Which I am. (Fortunately, she hasn't sent me hers yet, so I don't have to feel too bad about taking forever).

olivebee

I was thinking last night about embarrassment within context. I was babysitting the 9-year-old girl I have been babysitting for four years. She got this neat app on her iPod touch that allows you to film music videos using all these crazy video effects, and she wanted to make some. And she wanted to do it outside in the front yard where there was room to dance. So, I basically danced around and lip synched like a crazy fool while dozens of people walked & drove by (and probably looked out their apartment windows at us). It dawned on me that it was only the presence of a child that allowed me to break down the wall of "OMG people are staring" insecurity that I would have in any other context (aside from weddings). Even if I was drunk with my best friend in my own front yard, I don't think I would be able to overcome that insecurity. I'm sure part of it was "well, people will just assume that I'm doing it to make the kid laugh, so they won't judge." But, I don't know....maybe kids just bring out the lighthearted in us (or me, at least). Anyways, it was fun and freeing, and I'm very glad there are 9-year-olds out there with ABBA on their iPods.

baked bean

@olivebee Yay for children helping you feel lighthearted and not embarrassed! Love it!

I find that the older I get the less I care about what strangers think. And if I know people, then they know me, so I don't really need to worry about impressing them either. It's great.

chnellociraptor

Having just moved back into my parents' house post-university and jobless, I have applied to work on a cruise ship for six months. I have an interview next month. Any y'all work on a cruise ship? Should I be excited/scared? Is this potential material for my young adult novel or my therapist?

olivebee

@chnellociraptor Sounds like a goldmine of writing material. Good luck with the interview!

schrodingers_cat

@chnellociraptor I do not work on a cruise ship, but a friend does (warning: a friend I met while both of us worked at a resort one summer) and she enjoys it greatly.

Dandyliongirl

@chnellociraptor I have not, but I have been considering applying for a job on one myself. It is a terrifying but exciting idea!

frigwiggin

It is my birthday! And I am leaving right now to go to San Francisco to see War Horse and get a fancy dinner! So I am glad the FOT came up before I had to go! Wheeeeeeeee~

Queen of Pickles

@frigwiggin Happy birthday!!! San Francisco is the best present. I hope it gives you all of the cake.

TheDragon

@frigwiggin Happy Birthday! Get ready to CRY your eyeballs out! In the best way. Have fun, and eat yummy fancy things for me!

EpWs

@frigwiggin Happy happy birthday! We love you!

olivebee

@frigwiggin Happy birthday! Have fun in San Francisco (that's where I went for my 21st birthday)!

Daisy Razor

@frigwiggin Happy birthday!

dtowngirl

@frigwiggin Happy birthday! And many happy returns.

Anna Jayne@twitter

@frigwiggin Yay! What a fun trip! And yes, bring every kleenex you can find because WOW. Crying forever.

katiemcgillicuddy

@frigwiggin Cheers to you! Happy birthday!

Cat named Virtute

@frigwiggin Happy birthday, Frig! Have so much fun!

VelourFog

@frigwiggin Happy birthday! I hope the Waaaarrr Horse likes your dress.

frigwiggin

Awwwww thank you guyyyyyyys I feel so happy-birthdayed!

My boyfriend acted like kind of a brat for part of the day but it was overall good, and Waaaaaarrrrr Horse was pretty great; puppets = amazing, dialogue = hit and miss. My friend and I spent all weekend shouting "DAMN THIS WAR!!" to each other when we were frustrated over trivial things like being out of butter. Also during the end, when they're about to shoot Joey, and the audience was dead silent, a girl two seats away from me gasped, "OH MY GOD" so loudly and seriously the actors probably heard her onstage over the music, and I immediately burst out into laughter. SO GREAT.

terrific

Ohaiguize, I posted this a few weeks back in the Open Thread but it never got any responses. BLOGGER PINNERS: How do you get ideas? How do you find cool things to write about? I'm good at photography and writing and I'd like to start a blog (I love sfgirlbybay, Not Martha, etc.) but I am so bad at keeping up with it and getting ideas for posts. Help?

Megasus

@terrific I read EVERYTHING.

terrific

@Megano! I follow eight thousand blogs but don't want to be the person that steals all the content from them! I want to find and create it as well. Which I can't figure out how to do.

churlishgreen

@terrific I am not a blogger but I edit the newsy section of a print mag and am always desperate for ideas. I use Twitter (mostly passively) to great effect for this purpose. You constantly find new people/organizations to follow, leading to more interesting ideas.

I also cosign @Megano's "read everything" strategy.

Good luck!

Megasus

@terrific It's not to find content to put up verbatim, but also to find ideas for stuff to put your own spin on them. And also so you have some idea of what other people are talking about so you can dd your opinion. But I am a sci and tech editor so reading stuff all the time is really, really important to keep up.
I also find twitter is a really good place to find ideas, either from other ppl's feeds or by talking to them.

katiemcgillicuddy

@terrific I'm starting to try and "seriously" write now. I try to set a word count each week (I have YET to make it, but it's been vacation time, so). I sometimes start with a single sentence/word and build it slowly from there. Write ANYTHING that pops into your head. Buy a little notebook (be a cliche like me and buy Moleskine). Kind of a revelation for me, though, was pulling a poem out of an email I had sent. It was a serious email, and I liked what I had written initially, but I didn't think much of it til about a week later. You can write something in one context (a short note, and email, whatever) and pull things out of that. Keep your eyes open. It's made a big difference to me. Hell, for once, I actually had the balls to show a couple people some stuff I'd written. It's scary but it's thrilling. Write. Things. Down.

charlesbois

Depressing: The "fat" bride's wedding dress in that new Bachelorette movie that 2 skinny girls get in and rip, yeah that's my wedding dress.

MORE depressing: That asshole judge in Arizona that TOTALLY victim-blamed and gave a FIRED cop NO jail time.

Those 2 things make me ragey. Thank god I have Friday open thread. I think going out for Chinese or Indian tonight and then listening to the DNC speeches I missed this week will cheer me up.

terrific

@charlesbois Oh god. I read about that Arizona story earlier today and haven't stopped raging.

charlesbois

@terrific there's a Change.org petition. I normally don't get on Friday thread to spread the word, but this is an exception.

WhiskeySour

@charlesbois Your wedding dress is really pretty!

charlesbois

@WhiskeySour aw thanks! It looked and felt like a dream. Wish I could wear it for everyday wear.

EpWs

Celebrating my nine-year [dating] anniversary with the boyfriend on Sunday, though the anniversary itself is actually Monday. But Monday we can't stay home all day and do, erm, things.

We started dating when we were teenagers and just kind of, um, never stopped? This never works in real life (so I've been told), so I'm mostly just really proud of us. We still like each other!

/endmush. Tell me about your anniversaries, Hairpin!

olivebee

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Happy anniversary! Everyone tells my husband and me it won't work, too, because we started dating as teenagers as well. We started dating at 17, got married at 23, and just had our one year wedding anniversary last week. So, go enjoy being those people that never stopped liking each other, because it's a wonderful thing to have.

katiemcgillicuddy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Congrats! One of my best friends married the guy she started dating at 15 two years ago at the age of 24. It made me nervous for her at first because we *knew* they'd get married one day but then, after a few years I realized they were perfect. Perfect and just super lucky to have found each other so young. They are one of the happiest couples you could ever meet and their 1 year old son is my favorite person on Earth. So it absolutely works in real life. Enjoy Sunday. :)

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher: 6 weeks is exactly how long it takes for a girl to lose interest in me. So I've not gotten beyond that. What's the one month anniversary? Balsa wood? ABS plastic?

EpWs

@ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS Cheesy poofs.

OhMarie

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Me too! It's not as uncommon as one might think. We just passed 11 years of dating (ELEVEN!?) in Spring and are coming up on 6 years of marriage in October.

We don't do anniversary presents, but we like to go out for a fancy dinner. Last year for our 5 year we spent the weekend in New York and went to a broadway show and ate and drank.

EpWs

@olivebee Happy anniversary! Yayyyy.
@OhMarie I have DROPPED THE BALL on anniversary presents this year, so I went the many-small-things-some-of-which-are-silly route, as opposed to the big-and-meaningful route. (We'll do big next year.) But hey, walking into a comic shop and going "Pick a book" is a good present, right?
@everyone I love these stories! Keep 'em coming.

the roughest toughest frail

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I met The Mister at 18 and we married last year at 25. We're no longer in that "honeymoon" phase, but I honestly can't imagine life without him. He's my best friend and my romantic partner and we're still enamoured with each other after all these years.

We're (as in all of us!) the lucky ones.

baked bean

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher That's adorable! And I'm glad to hear that first loves can work, becuase that's something I stress about. That I'm not "supposed" to settle down with current bf because he is the first love/serious one. Even though we've talked about it and it seems right other than society's expectations. But those "supposed to" things always get me. I need to let go of them.

EpWs

@baked bean Having heard about relationships of all lengths, sizes, and starting points, I'm learning that statistics are bunk. You go with what works, you never really know what's going to happen, and you do what makes you happy.

That's all I've got.

bocadelperro

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I met my mister at 15. We were high school sweethearts, kept in touch through college, re-connected romantically a few years ago in our late twenties, and now have been married two years.

PistolPackinMama

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher My brother had a crush on his someday-wife all the way through high school. They started dating in college, and got married 10 years after that.

My dad pretty much decided on my mom, as far as I can tell, when he was 16 and they got married (42 years last week!) 9 years later.

It does happen.

EpWs

@PistolPackinMama It totally does! Happy happy anniversary to your mom and dad, that's adorable and heartening. :)

A friend of mine's parents got married when they were 19 and 20, and 32(ish?) years and three kids later they are one of the most adorable, happy couples I know. It does happen.

pearlforrester

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Congratulations!

I have been dating my partner for just over three years. Our first anniversary was spent with him in California and me in New York, where I lived at the time.

Our second anniversary was spent with him in the hospital, undergoing cancer treatment. I made him soup, which he was too sick to eat, and sat by his bed in a fancy dress and pearls, drinking a plastic picnic glass of wine while he fell asleep. Fortunately, his nurse that night was understanding.

For our third anniversary, we made pancakes, went for a walk in the park, and went on a GOD-DAMN DATE like NORMAL PEOPLE. It felt like a triumph.

EpWs

@pearlforrester Man, that is a rough track record there. So glad you got a pancake-ful anniversary this time around! (And, I am assuming, that his cancer treatments were successful to the point that you guys can have parks and pancakes. Always, always good.)

Reginal T. Squirge

My parents! They met when my mother was 19 and Pops was 20. They're on 35 years now. They are both completely insane and a complete mess but he still does a whole heap of gentlemanly things for her and they kiss all the time (but not in a gross way).

raised amongst catalogs

@Reginal T. Squirge I thank you for adding "a whole heap of gentlemanly things" to my collection of little phrases that bring joy to my heart.

sophi

I hate everything in my wardrobe right now. I am going out soon with a former boyfriend who I possibly might be getting back together with, and as if that were not nerve-wracking enough by itself, I also have absolutely no clue what to wear. Should I try to be fancy? Show him what he's been missing? Wear something super casual and pretend that it is nbd and I don't even care? I am lostttttt.

JadedStone

@sophi the trick is to wear something that's casual and no big deal but still look smoking in it.

so... boobies! necklace that plunges. etc.

where ya going?

Queen of Pickles

@sophi I say, wear something that you feel like a badass in. Cold and aloof and impressive!

Then act friendly. But reserve the right to be cold and haughty and impressive at a moment's notice!

Basically, be like this owl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ang2_nQ9OVQ

EpWs

@sophi I'm going to use Pistol Packin Mama's line here in case she can't get here before your date:
RELENTLESSLY CHEERFUL AND ICILY POLITE.

sophi

@JadedStone I have no idea where we're going yet! I'm finding out my work schedule later today, so it will depend on that. Probably nowhere particularly special, though.

vunder

@sophi Boots. Wear boots. The rest barely matters.

PistolPackinMama

@vunder Wear boots and nothing else, and nothing will matter.

Yeah, I feel like you could graciously BAMF in cutoffs and a v-neck T or a pretty cocktail dress, just depending on where you go.

Wear what you love to wear and that makes you feel so great. Wear something you don't get to wear nearly often enough so even if the date is meh, the pants are not.

(<3 u EPWS)

sophi

@vunder I wish I could wear boots, but it is still way too hot in Texas1 If it were December this would be so much easier because I could wear my favorite boots and my favorite jacket and feel like I could kick anyone's ass, but it's going to be 92 on Monday, so... not so much. I want it to be fall already :(

I did, however, go to Marshalls just now (allegedly to buy soap and underwear), and came home with two new dresses, one of which I might be able to wear? I have to try it with a few different things, but I think it has the ~vibe~ that I am going for.

PS you guys are all awesome, thank you. Obviously, I will be back with a full report next Friday.

Emby

Also, I drew this at work this week!

Queen of Pickles

@Emby I think there should be a thread of Things People Did At Work This Week.

Besides, you know, faxing and documents and things. Work.

Emby

@Queen of Pickles Here's what's amazing: I can't draw. Like, at all. This is the very best thing I have ever drawn. It was like the ghost of Picasso was guiding my hand. Spooky.

Blushingflwr

@Queen of Pickles I could post pictures of my awesome shawl that I worked on all week with my office door closed.

Mira

@Blushingflwr Please do! Which one is it?

Queen of Pickles

@Blushingflwr Yes!! And I could maybe post the sestina!

WhiskeySour

@Emby This drawing has me grinning. I love it - the under-tail strap! The very serious facial expression! It's just so adorable

fb100003964691892

@Emby That's fantastic! The expression is killer.

Speaking of things at work: a short story about ghosts and hostage negotiators. For reasons known only to the Void In Between.

HeyThatsMyBike

@Emby For some reason this immediately made me think of the pterodactyl song off The Oatmeal. Great work!

PistolPackinMama

@Emby I think... I think I might have just felt a flame of love ignite in my heart for you just now.

Reginal T. Squirge

Things People Did At Work This Week:

Who wants to see my fund accounting reconciliation spreadsheets?

theotherginger

@Queen of Pickles make this a feature, hair pin

wharrgarbl

Let's be friends elsewhere on the internet as well as here. Post your blogs, tumblrs, google groups, twitter feeds, pinterests, etc.!

wharrgarbl

@redheaded&crazie My own tumblr is here in case anyone wants to trade comics and movie fannishness.

redheaded&crazy

@wharrgarbl i also started a blog thing. I'm trying to motivate myself to write more! but ... there's only one super boring post there, so I think I'll see if I can keep it going before I uh, publicize that more.

or should i get a tumblr instead? tumblr is like the new cool hipster livejournal right?

meetapossum

@wharrgarbl meetapossum everywhere! Except, sorry Pinners who follow me on Twitter! I am bad at it!

wharrgarbl

@redheaded&crazie I like tumblr, but it's got some really stupid drawbacks. You might want to make one and try it out for a while and see if it works for you, but I hesitate to be all "It's the best thing ever!". There's a really low bar to entry, though; there are a ton of themes and no html necessary.

Anna Jayne@twitter

@wharrgarbl here is my tumblr that we use completely incorrectly to talk about star trek fashion.

wallsdonotfall

@Anna Jayne@twitter Yours is my FAVORITE TUMBLR. Just sayin'.

somuchsugar

@wharrgarbl here's my blog! http://somuchsugar.blogspot.com

punkahontas

@meetapossum I'm terrible at Twitter too. I think I need to start using Tweetdeck or something.

Anyway, I'm punkahontas everywhere, but mostly at punkahontas.com which is mostly beauty stuff. (Though today is a rant about fashion and beauty writing! And Wednesday was about cookies.)

Megasus

@Anna Jayne@twitter I LOVE YOUR TUMBLR TOO I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE HERE
Oh and my twitter is @mk_patter

dale

@wharrgarbl Me on twitter: kiranmartin

I don't have a personal tumblr, but remember the PinPets tumblr!
pinpets.tumblr.com
pinpets.tumblr.com/submit <---super-awesome submission page

paperbuttons

@wharrgarbl yay! I love new blog time! Mine is Paper Buttons

laurel

Follolowed, all. My tumblr is mostly about animals and Devo. Apparently.

Priscilla Peel

@wharrgarbl I have a blog about old books (including the one I stole my name from): The Bamboo Bookcase

anachronistique

@wharrgarbl I'm 100% serious when I say your posts about Thor have been one of the highlights of my week.

I have Tumblr and Twitter under this username! I complain a lot and have feelings about superheroes!

wharrgarbl

@anachronistique I'm glad you like them. Poor Avengers-Thor. He's there to help, but man, was he misled about the availability of punch and pie and teammates who aren't complete trainwrecks. If it weren't for all the personal growth in Thor, Avengers would have been like half an hour.

"I'm not your broth--" "Nope!" *hammer* "My beaten-unconscious-with-a-hammer brother and I are going home." "But the tesseract!" "Not my problem. Nope, nope, nope." *hammer hammer hammer* "Takin' my girlfriend and goin' home. Good luck with that." "But the Hulk!" "I said nope, sir!"

anachronistique

@wharrgarbl To be fair, I would also watch the shit out of that movie. But you are 100% correct. He's trying so hard! He came back to Earth and he doesn't even get to see Jane! Nick Fury, worst cockblock of all time.

raised amongst catalogs

@wharrgarbl For those who want to see just what kind of tweeting is done by two women without smartphones, The Everpresent Wordsnatcher and I are still/mostly/valiantly liveblogging the San Diego Zoo's polar bear webcam at twitter.com/YourDailyBear.

miss buenos aires

@wharrgarbl I'm so late on this one, but I love peeking at others' blogs throughout the weekend and maybe others will find this amusing on a slow Saturday or Sunday afternoon...

Dressopotamia

I thought I would be done by now, but somehow I have a lot more dresses than I thought. Maybe they are taking advantage of the closet's darkness and privacy to reproduce when I am not looking. Or maybe I have been buying more, either one. Really impossible to tell.

EpWs

@vanillawaif (It is mostly @vanillawaif doing this because my internet is kind of terrible and the live feed is funky for me. But she is doing great and I hop in when I can! Mostly she is just awesome.)

raised amongst catalogs

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Pshhhhh -- girl, please. You're just awesome, and now I am going to sing to you a really beautiful version of "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" by the Hollies.

frigwiggin

@miss buenos aires Ahhhhh, I got Bluey in the mail yesterday! It was like a birthday present. :3 And it fits wonderfully! (Although I have to get used to the lovely high neckline, which makes me feel a little bit like I'm being very gently strangled.)

miss buenos aires

@frigwiggin Oh yay! When you posted about your upcoming birthday I wondered if it would get there right on the day. How fun! Don't worry about the strangling, it's just so that your face matches the dress. Accessorizing!

Maladydee

@Maladydee oh god how did I fail that link so badly? I am the shame.

buttercup empire

I AM GOING ON VACATION!!! I leave in one hour. This has been the slowest day ever. Hurry up time!

charlesbois

@buttercup empire Have a great time. Here's to safe and unrestricted travels!

buttercup empire

@charlesbois Thanks! It is my first ever solo trip. I'm giddy with excitement.

ambrym

Hi guys. I've got a question about personality and competence at work, and I'm using a different commenter name because it might be identifiable.

Last week I had my first-ever performance review, which was overall fine and a surprisingly useful process. One of the pieces of constructive criticism I received is that to some staff members outside our department, I can seem very cold--apparently I am "too serious" and "too authoritative."

I was surprised by this, but I'm trying to think about it seriously and not get defensive. I didn't think I'd ever talked to anyone for long enough to seem like a know-it-all, and I swear I'm not a bitch--just shy, if anything. My supervisor told me not to worry about it too much, because she thinks I'm overcompensating for my youth/inexperience and will mellow out as I feel more comfortable. But does anyone have experience with getting better at something like this? How do you act warm at work while staying professional and doing your job? (I assume these comments were related to professional interactions, not just water-cooler chat.)

Thanks so much, y'all.

Mira

@ambrym I have also received this "criticism" (which I took as a compliment because I'd rather have people discover I'm nicer than they thought than discover I'm more competent than they thought) and the best way I've found to seem friendlier is to ask a couple of bullshit questions at the beginning of every meeting (how was your weekend, where did you get that necklace, etc.). Not during the meeting, but in that liminal space when people are in the room but the work hasn't started yet? I think it gives an impression of warmth so that people feel more comfortable around me.

Is your office very formal, or more laid-back? I think a lot of this stuff is very dependent on the culture of the organization. Either way, "too serious and authoritative" is...kind of not a bad thing. At least in my opinion.

dabbyfanny

@Mira I think the bullshit question thing works well, but what TOTALLY makes people warm up is if you compliment a specific thing they are wearing. Works like a charm. Must have a basis in truth, tho, or you'll come off like an insincere asshole. Also, I've noticed that since Facebook, people like me more. I am unfailingly positive on FB so I think they think I must be like that all the time (of course, you may not wish to friend all your colleagues).

vunder

@ambrym I think being basic friendly and slightly chatty sometimes helps a lot. Remember: people like to talk about themselves. Let them do so sometimes. I also think during work-related interactions sometimes it's important to express if you're not sure about something. "Good question, I'm not sure, what do you think?" as well as "Hey, can I get your opinion about something I'm trying to work out?" can go a long way to building real rapport. Because if you are young and less experienced, you probably don't always have the answers and aren't always sure, so it can come across as being overly confident about stuff you maybe shouldn't be so confident about.

Fiddle dee dee

@ambrym

Can I just say? Men NEVER get this sort of thing as a criticism at work. NEVER.

But we ladies gotta keep it warm, right? For a woman, being serious and authoritative makes her SCARY.

Not that you shouldn't think about this; you should. It is a fact of life that women at work have to be sure to keep their edges soft, especially if they're competent and take work seriously.

It's just too bad that you have to think about this at all.

lemonadefish

@ambrym

I got something like this a while back, and then right after my review, heard a story on the radio about a study about perceptions of women wearing makeup, which said that people think women with higher contrast at the lips and eyes are more friendly, so I decided to start wearing mascara and lipstain every day, and no one has complained about my unfriendliness since. Coincidence, or magic spell?? Who knows. Compliments and smiling at people and all that is good too - if you can actually be more friendly, do that (I can't really, because of the seething hatred in my soul, matched only by my terrible shyness, but maybe you are better than me). But also, contrast!

TheclaAndTheSeals

@ambrym Most of my internal communications take place via email, and I've found a couple of phrases that soften things up. (My position involves a lot of nagging and boundary setting.)

Closing an email by repeating someone's name. "Dear So-and-so, Blah blah blah, etc. Thanks, So-and-so. I look forward to hearing from you. Best, Thecla."

Admitting that you're kinda nagging if you are. "Thought I'd check in, blah blah nagging. Not trying to be a nag, but I want to make sure we get this in by X deadline."

Saying "we/our" instead of "you/your" to encourage identification and spread out responsibility/blame.

Likewise, assuming that people know things (but saying it anyway in case they don't). "As you know/ I know this isn't news to you, but/ As we've seen in the past/ Apologies if you've been told this already..."

After a project ends, thanking everyone. Most people don't, so even a vague compliment ("Thanks for your hard work") lands well. A specific compliment ("I really appreciate your eagle eye in proofing") is even better. And if you can find a way to say it in front of someone's boss (or copy them on an email), that's the very best.

By the way, kudos on trying to learn something from a performance review. That's always been a challenge for me.

hoo:ha

@TheclaAndTheSeals I know... right? This totally raised my hackles.

sarantium@twitter

So I feel awful and depressed and slept about three hours last night, but I did get an email from my supervisor this summer saying "also, when you start applying for positions for next summer you should remember to use me as a reference, I'll be happy to help however I can."

... unfortunately, I'm too tired and in too much pain to be very pleased.

adorable-eggplant

@sarantium@twitter Make a note to remind yourself to be very pleased later, when you feel more up to it.

I'm terrible at receiving compliments when I feel low (they don't even register) but if I write them down somewhere and check back after a few days (months/weeks/whatever) they usually make me smile.

Porn Peddler

You guys, I spent much of Tuesday making miso and that shit is incredibly strenuous and I need my back rubbed so badly. Know what else I did on Tuesday? Met MG's girlfriend after spending all morning admiring his big hands. I had a fucking moment, y'all. Let me have a moment of silence for the possibility of me hitting that in the near future.

I also barely wrote this week! Sads! And had to bring work home from the porn palace today :( I feel so unproductive!

All told though, life is pretty great. Mister is going out on a training job next week (omg) and I've been helping out at MG's bakery, which is fun (it's fun until his girlfriend walks in and he can't keep his shirt on over lunch.)

JadedStone

@Porn Peddler THANK YOU, YOU REMINDED ME OF WHAT I NEEDED THE FOT FOR.

I thought of you this week! My bf and I got a bed and it has drawers and now I CAN PUT ALL MY SEX TOYS IN A DRAWER and they look so prrrettyyyyyy! All the Lelo boxes all lined up and satin bags of restraints!

Porn Peddler

@JadedStone GAH THAT IS SO FUCKING GREAT!!! I have wanted drawers in/around our bed forever, or at least a pirate chest...no, we have a big metal case. Everything is just piled in there, spilling out all over the place (it gets like that here....)

laurel

@Porn Peddler: Um, what does it mean to "bring work home from the porn palace?" and am I wrong that it sounds like a good time?

Porn Peddler

@laurel You are wrong, unfortunately :( i'm just gonna be making wall tags for new product all night. shhh don't tell my boss, she'd yell at me for caring too much.

laurel

@Porn Peddler: I've long admired your work ethic.

PistolPackinMama

@Porn Peddler I <3 you.

redheaded&crazy

oh FOT I've missed youu

Porn Peddler

@redheaded&crazie WE'VE MISSED YOU

somuchsugar

Read this site religiously, love it so much, too shy to comment before but here goes! Anyone have tips for being a better conversationalist? My husband and I of 12 years go to dinner and sometimes hardly say a word to each other the whole time... We love each other dearly and aren't bored, it's just sometimes I wish I knew what to talk about... I struggle so hard to think of things to say most of the time and want to be a more interesting conversationalist...

TheDragon

@somuchsugar I say everything that pops into my head. I don't know if this makes me a good conversationalist or not, but I usually get asked on second dates, so maybe? (But seriously. Read anything interesting lately? Wonder who first figured out that spinach and cheese are amazing together? Make up a silly story about the kinda awkward couple behind you?)

charlesbois

@somuchsugar sounds silly, but make lists. Sometimes things pop in your head when you're not in a conversation setting, and then you forget them. So write them down and then refresh your memory before going out. Or you guys could just talk about how much you love each other. :)

adorable-eggplant

@somuchsugar Agree to read an article together and discuss it? Maybe something controversial enough that you might disagree in a fun way?

alpacasloth

@TheDragon I do that too. I think 90% of my conversations start with, "I heard this interesting story on NPR today..." or "I read this thing on the internet, what do you think about it?"

olivebee

@somuchsugar Welcome! I just had a conversation with my husband about how it makes me nervous when we get into lulls or mundane conversations because I don't want our relationship to get boring, but then we discussed how it would be impossible to be with someone every single day for years and have a fresh, exciting conversation every time. I think there's nothing wrong with silence if you are both comfortable with it.

However, to answer your question, things that give me stuff to talk about: the news/media, interesting things I saw or did during the week, childhood memories that pop into my head, dreams I had at night, embarrassing moments from my formative years, songs/tv shows/books I like, etc. Obviously these are all things that involve "so here's mine, what's yours?" type of give-and-take because I am not a one-sided conversationalist and I want to know these things about my husband, too.

adorable-eggplant

@olivebee Those are awesome suggestions! I also like asking pretty weird questions, like, "Do you know that movie freaky friday? What would you do first if you were suddenly swapped with someone? If I were swapped, how soon would you figure out it wasn't me? Shouldn't we have a contingency plan?" Which lead to a really fun day of making up a series of identity verifying questions and hypothesizing about who would be fun to switch with and what valuable lessons we might learn (you have to learn something: it's a requirement of the genre).

Anyway, weird stuff can be fun to hash out, especially over pints. :)

soul toast

@somuchsugar Sometimes my wife and I kind of eavesdrop on other people in restaurants? I know that's not polite, but it gives us something to talk about later, or when the other people leave. Does anyone else do that, or are we just horrible people? It's not on purpose, I swear.
Also, there are these "games" that are basically boxes of questions you can ask people. My father in law sent us one, and we've never actually played it, but I've pulled it out when I've had people over who didn't really know each other that well. We all just took turns picking the weirdest questions to talk about.

alpacasloth

@soul toast I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. Eavesdropping on other peoples' conversations is one my favorite activities.

adorable-eggplant

@soul toast Me and my mister do something even more nosy, which is try to guess who's on a first date. Hours of fun and it was hilarious to me that we almost never make the same guess. Also, our why's are hilarious: "That t-shirt is wrinkly, like it's been folded up in a drawer and only gets taken out for special occasions, like a first date." Me: "Wrinkly t-shirt means extra effort? Really??"

soul toast

@adorable-eggplant I like it! I think I'll borrow that next time we go out.

Judith Slutler

@somuchsugar Hm! Either maybe you spend so much time together that you don't have many things to tell each other about your day, or maybe you live fairly seperate lives and don't feel like the other one wants to hear about your job / housekeeping skillz / friends?

In the first case, maybe try bringing up something you are reading or just complimenting him on things?

In the second case, go out to movies or museums or something so you can talk about what you saw afterwards?

somuchsugar

@somuchsugar THanks you guys are awesome! I love the eavesdropping tip... I will try to remember all the news I read during the day too for good topics

PistolPackinMama

@adorable-eggplant I do that! And then I root for them.

Also? Sometimes, being out with someone you really like and not speaking at all is such a lovely communion, as long as neither of you feels awkward.

adorable-eggplant

@PistolPackinMama Me too! There's always that exciting moment when dessert could be ordered or coffee finished but no one makes a move to leave. Sigh, first dates. :)

alannaofdoom

@somuchsugar - Just want to be a little bit of a contrarian and say that my parents have been married for nearly forty years and sometimes they just sit silently at dinner, next to each other, reading the paper or doing a crossword. So... Just because there's not a constant stream of conversation doesn't mean something's wrong.

That said, all the above tips are excellent.

miss buenos aires

@alannaofdoom Yes, I like the list idea because I actually sometimes do this before going to a party or having dinner with my parents. (Not that my parents ever run out of things to talk about, but they like to talk about really depressing stuff like honor killings, so I try to have a lighthearted topic on deck if it looks like things are going to get super heavy. Not that I always shy away from heavy topics, but there is a limit.)

I also find podcasts, especially RadioLab and This American Life, often have good nuggets for conversation. For instance, last week on TAL they were talking about would-be suicides in 16th (17th?)-century Germany (Austria? I am terrible with details), who couldn't bring themselves to do the deed because they wouldn't have a chance to repent and would therefore go straight to Hell. So they would murder children, seeing it as a win-win situation: the kid would go to Heaven, because it's a kid, the murderer could confess and repent before getting executed, then go to Heaven with a clear conscience. And there is basically a whole conversation right there.

But silence is okay too! Wasn't there some sitcom where two characters were talking about how they had never hooked up because their conversations were too good and there were no awkward silences that they had to end with a kiss? You've got to have some silence to mack on your man...

KatieBarTheDoor

Guys, I need some serious thoughts, and I apologize ahead of time that this is going to be long.  

My very best friend is engaged, and I'm co-maid of honor. She lives in a different town, so I don't get to see her as often as I'd like, and I haven't spent a great deal of time with her fiancé. However... I have some concerns. Her weight, for example. My friend (Marie)    has dropped a bunch of weight since getting together with fiancé (Ted), as he apparently said she was too heavy (which, not that it should matter anyway, I can objectively say she was not). She's now rail thin and pretty concerned with gaining weight, though I don't believe it's to the disorder stage.  She did say to me the other day, "I'm afraid Ted won't love me anymore if I get fat."

Other examples:  he won't "let her" keep sweets in the house, even though she loves them. One time last year she had some candy on a car trip, and Ted took it and threw it out the window. And last week, Marie cooked a nice dinner after a long day of work, and she put some chicken in as a treat (they are trying to eat less meat). Ted came home, saw the chicken, and started yelling about "what the fuck" did she think she was doing and refused to eat it. She recently got a new car and bought the one he wanted her to get, not the one she wanted.  They bought a house together that she didn't want. She also says the men in Ted's family don't respect women.

This sounds even worse now that I've typed it out. The thing is, I know these examples are, like, blips in the relationship, and I know they love each other, and Ted is not a horrible dickhead as a whole (and he has only ever been perfectly nice to me). She told me the other day that they are good overall. But these are pretty serious blips, right? I'm not one to jump in with my opinion when it's not solicited; normally I listen to her, agree that it is not good, and then let her continue to make her own decisions. But I need to talk to her. Don't I? I don't want to end up like that columnist on Wednesday who lost her friend, so I'm not sure how/when to approach it. (As easy as it might be to think DTMFA, I'm not going to tell her that.)

So... what do you guys think? Should I say anything? What? Or should I just shut up and believe her when she says she's good?

Porn Peddler

@KatieBarTheDoor Those are not blips, and Ted is a horrible dickhead. Unfortunately, you can't stop anyone from marrying a dickhead. All you can do is offer support if ever she mentions this sort of behavior, and express concerns if she seems upset or unsure or scared.

EpWs

@KatieBarTheDoor What you've said does sound alarming. Unfortunately you can't really say anything about HIM, per se, at least not [probably] without serious repercussions. That seems like a recipe for hella drama and lots of hurt feelings, both now and potentially down the road. Your job, as her friend (and as her maid of honor) is to support her completely, reassure her that she is fabulous regardless of size.

This is a hard situation, and I hope it works out for all of you. She's lucky to have a friend that is concerned about her.

professionalmess

@KatieBarTheDoor I feel like I'm the least qualified person to speak on this, but I think you should talk to her. Because he sounds like a horrible dickhead as a whole. I think maybe the key to talking to her is to do it from that best friend place of love, and back off if she tells you upfront that she's okay/she doesn't want to talk about it/you can go to hell.

olivebee

@KatieBarTheDoor Yeah I think these things ARE seriously blips because they are tell-tale markers of controlling & manipulative behavior. I don't think you should meddle in their relationship, though, but definitely offer up yourself in the "I'll always be here if you need to talk, feel upset, etc." role. And I think there is probably a way (though I don't know it) to address the severe weight loss/no sugary foods thing withOUT bringing Ted into it. Also, obviously, in a supportive manner.

Lustful Cockmonster

@KatieBarTheDoor Yeaaaahhhh, those aren't blips. But I am not sure how you should handle it...did you express your concern when she initially told you these stories? If so, what was her reaction?

adorable-eggplant

@KatieBarTheDoor Oh my god, that sounds like a very dangerous person. Tell her that his behavior matches a profile for abuse, and that if it escalates (and even if it doesn't) you will respect and support her in a decision to leave. That's the most you can do: it's up to her to see how damaging his behavior really is. Controlling what she eats, verbally abusing her. Ugh.

Also, it's not uncommon for people who are controlling/manipulative to be very good at being very nice. That's part of how they operate, because it makes the person who is being abused even more unsure of what to do (because X is sooo sweet to everyone else, then I must be particularly horrible for him/her to be so mean to me) and less able to convince their friends of the severity of their situation.

Also, make sure she has information on domestic violence hotlines, etc. because often emotionally/verbally abusive situations tip over into physical violence after a person has been separate from friends and other support networks.

I really wish you and her the best. I've been through this with a friend and it broke my heart being unable to DO anything, really.

OhMarie

@KatieBarTheDoor OH GOD THIS IS GIVING ME JUICEBOX FLASHBACKS OF MY SISTER'S EX-FIANCE!!! (Least terrible example: She got a cat and wanted to name it Parsnip but he made her name it Valour.) I was unsuccesful in breaking them up myself, but she did break it off eventually.

I think that you can have one conversation and then you have to drop it and be supportive, because this kind of thing can obviously be a friendship killer. I think that there are two routes to go: sit her down and plainly state that Ted seems a bit controlling and you're not sure that XYZ things are in her best interest, or have a less goal-oriented conversation where you ask a lot of questions and try to see if she has concerns.

It's totally sad and hard, though.

City_Dater

@KatieBarTheDoor

He sounds terrible, but if you say something, you run the risk of her dumping your friendship BECAUSE SHE IS GOING TO MARRY THIS GUY and then she will not have you, her good caring friend, if things go wrong with this jerk.
Maybe I'm just older than the other commenters, but I have seen more than a few friends marry guys with overt asshole tendencies, things I would never put up with, and they say they're happy and seemingly mean it. Like double-digit anniversaries, kids, houses, pets...
So better to be the supportive friend: make sure she knows you've got her back if she needs you, but don't be the Judgy McJudgerson of their relationship based on the dickish shit you've witnessed. There are a lot of assholes out there, and many of them manage to find someone who'll put with them.

vunder

@KatieBarTheDoor He really does sound like THE WORST. I think the only way to talk about these things is to talk about them in a sort of curious questioning way rather than statements. More like "Do you feel comfortable with the fact that A, B, and C? Have you ever told him how you feel?" I think you can set yourself up as pro-Friend and show her you want the best for her without setting up yourself completely as anti-Ted, which might drive her into excuses and denial, etc.

But in the end, it's her deal, she'll work it out one day or another and there's so little anyone can do about it. How sad.

remargaret

@KatieBarTheDoor Have you considered writing her a long, pompous, third-person letter explaining the flaws in her logic?

laurel

@KatieBarTheDoor: Keep her talking.

Judith Slutler

@KatieBarTheDoor That sounds terrifying. One thing I'd do is, if she tells you about some awful thing he did, give her conversational opportunities to tell you more and to reflect on it more. You know, say things like, "Wow, how did that make you feel?" etc.

Definitely assure her that she is fabulous and that she shouldn't have to worry about her weight, she would be beautiful at any size, all that good stuff.

Be there for her.

adorable-eggplant

@laurel I heard the suggestion (Captain Awkward, I think) of never giving an opinion. I.e. don't say "I can't believe he did that! What a monster!" instead say, "Oh, when he did that, how did you feel?"

ETA: Yes, exactly what @Emmanuelle Cunt said.

PistolPackinMama

@adorable-eggplant Yup. I don't trust that they are normally super-nice in public when I hear they are pulling behavior like this in private. It all counts. And public niceness is a good smokescreen for terribleness away from everyone else.

Also, I know everyone has their things. But. If a man used the phrase "what the fuck is this" at me like that? Uh-uh. That kind of language doesn't go away.

Thinking about it, the only times I can handle hearing/saying "fuck you" or whatever used directed at someone, is when they aren't around to hear it. Or when it's not used about people at all.

You blow that kind of steam off away from whoever is the subject. Furthermore Yelling at a partner is not ok. Yelling + swearing= no. good.

Y'all KNOW me well enough to know what I think of controlling behavior around weight.

Oh god.

Anyway. I feel you. It's hard to talk about stuff like this with a friend. Ugh.

VickiPage
VickiPage

@KatieBarTheDoor Long time lurker first time poster etc. etc. just to comment on this etc.! Whew. Anyway--this is 100000% abusive behavior. These are all giant, billowing red flags, even bigger than the biggest Les Mis end-of-act-one flag. She is going to feel embarrassed and maybe even crazy as time goes on. If she confides in you, be as calm as possible and reiterate over and over that you are a safe place for her if she needs to get out. She will probably laugh nervously and refuse: "Ohh," flaps hand dismissively, "I'm just venting. He's, uh, usually wonderful/He was just drunk/He was just stressed out/I shouldn't have [fill in the blank]." You might want to have resources gathered together that you can pass along to her...probably more than once. He is going to isolate her. She might cut off all ties herself "only" because the abuse she'll get from being in contact with you (and anyone else) isn't worth it. Keep reaching out to her. You can even tell her that if he's punishing her for receiving your calls/emails/letters, you understand, but you will always be there for her if she wants to get out. By the way, you can BET that he will, if he isn't already, monitor her calls, email, texts/whatever, and mail (does anyone mail anymore? Anyway.). Sorry to be so dire but this guy is 100000% no second-guessing abusive and it will only get worse. I *knnnooowww* this sounds cheesy but check out the articles associated with "Are You Dating a Loser?" by Joseph Carver. I KNOW SO CHEESY but there is a wealth of helpful info, including for you. Internet hugs to you and your friend.

angelinha

@KatieBarTheDoor I second the prompting-her-to-talk-herself-out-of-it that @Emmanuelle Cunt and @adorable-eggplant have suggested. And, honestly, being there for her when she eventually breaks if off. (Have faith that she will.)

adorable-eggplant

@VickiPage Yes. All of this. Also, don't underestimate how nice it is that google let's you sign up for a new email account without linking it to another email account. Remind her that if it comes to the point where it seems like he knows things that maybe she doesn't remember mentioning, etc. She can set up a fake account under a fake name.

Also, this might seem like a weird recommendation, but this forum http://www.scarymommy.com/message-board/ has a great track record of hooking people up with help in getting out of dangerous situations. There's a sadly high incidence of people talking about going back to clearly abusive situations, but there are also a lot of people who will jump on threads and suggest getting to a shelter. Anyway, it's miles away from the hairpin in terms of content and politics (far, far more conservative) but is also a community of women who can help each other.

KatieBarTheDoor

I wish you all could come talk to her with me! I'm actually tempted to show her this thread, but it's hard to imagine a scenario in which that would turn out well... I do express concern every time she tells me these things, and the frustrating thing is she seems just as concerned as I am, but keeps putting up with it! There were several times she was thinking of breaking it off with him, but they would have a "talk" instead, and then they got engaged.

But now I do feel that it's right to at least try to talk to her, as one last effort, and in the most supportive-but-not-judgey way possible. I like the "how does that make you feel?" suggestion. So thanks for all the replies.

(And you guys are totally right: he IS a dickhead and those are certainly more than blips. I guess I was trying to be a little more optimistic because I KNOW she's going to marry him, but... thanks for jolting me back.)

ETA: I don't say "one last effort" to mean that my effort is to try to break them up, because it isn't, and that isn't my place, and I can't meddle that way. Just an effort to... get her to think carefully about her situation and not get so caught up in "I love him/I'm so excited to get married," I guess.

Chills

@KatieBarTheDoor I just wanted to agree with all of the above brilliant advice, i think the most important thing is you make sure your there for her, making sure she knows there is somewhere to go if she needs it.
Also you said you are co-maid-of-honour, are you friends with the other bridesmaids? Could you talk to them, see what they are thinking and make sure you're all aware and able to be there for her, a supportive group of friends sounds like something she's going to need.

VickiPage
VickiPage

@KatieBarTheDoor I swear I have a cute icon picked out but I cannot upload it properly. YET. Okay, more important matters: just know that this could go on for years. I'm sorry to say that! The fact that she's sharing SOME of it means she is testing her own doubts...meaning, she is a bit worried that maybe these ARE problems, but like I said I guarantee he's convinced her that she's either crazy, paranoid, or just dumb, so she's trying to figure out reality, so to speak. So at least she has some little voice trying to tell her HE is the wrong one. But his voice is stronger. And I can guarantee she might try to push back against him, and he will insist that her friends/family are the crazy ones, and the cycle of doubt will go on. And she will also feel embarrassed, or scared that she shared "too much", and she even might avoid you at times. The best thing is to be patient, be loving, and always offer resources for her. Offer what you can, but know that this might go on for a long time. (And she might even want out of the marriage, but might feel "Oh, it's too late, we already paid for everything" or "Oh, everyone will be mad at me if I call it off", and people who are invested in the wedding/marriage for any number of reasons might convince her "Oh, you're just having cold feet". Maybe she's looking for an out RIGHT NOW? Maybe it's a good time to channel Carrie and tell Charlotte/her if she doesn't want to go through with it, she doesn't have to, and everyone will have to get over it. And WILL get over it. Uh, I'm sorry I'm using SATC to offer a solution!) Anyway, you are a great friend, and she will need that, but know this could be a really long process, and at times you will probably feel very frustrated. Good luck and lots of love to all involved!

TheUnchosenOne

I started antidepressants today! Prozac, 10 mg. A fairly low dose, and my doctor said she'd probably up it when I go back in a month, but we'll see how I'm doing then.

sarah girl

@TheUnchosenOne Good luck with them! Prozac takes a while to kick in so don't get discouraged; also, it might be helpful to jot down a few notes each day about your mood/any symptoms to report back to your doc. I hope it's the perfect fit for you!

Megasus

@Sarah H. Yes! Don't get discouraged, because it can take up to three months to really start working.

TheUnchosenOne

@Megano! Yes, I was warned about this. And hopefully I won't have to go through a bunch of different meds before finding one that works.

OxfordComma

@TheUnchosenOne : Prozac is AWESOME.

I swear, it gave me back the man I love--he can laugh now, and our arguments are no longer the end of the world. I am so grateful for SSRIs.

A suggestion?

Keep a brief mood journal over the next six weeks just to keep track of how you're doing. It can help you tell your doctor if it's working or not.

living internationally

@TheUnchosenOne Yay for drugs - I'm on the way out of my anti depressants and honestly starting them was the single best decision I have ever made in my life. Godspeed!

entangled

FOOTBALL SEASON.
!!!!

Any advice for how not to kill my husband over this? He is a bandwagon pats fan (he is from NY and has on occasion admitted to being a bandwagon fan who will stop caring if the team isn't any good). Meanwhile I am a lifelong Jets fan who chose green as my wedding colors because, hey, JETS! idc if the team is a total zoo where the owner is mostly concerned with headlines and Santonio Holmes has become a parody of a diva wide receiver and seriously Sanchez is probably a passable quarterback in the long run but why give up a whole draft for him... but just thinking about the Jets makes me happy when it is not making me sad because it is MY TEAM MAN. He doesn't even really like sports.

How do I avoid punching him in the face? Or at least getting so angry I can't talk to him for awhile.

TheDragon

@entangled Oh man, I don't know. I've been a packers fan since I was born. I sleep in a Packers Tshirt every night and my dog has so much green and gold he could practically be their mascot. My friend is a cowboys fan and accuses me of being a "bandwagon fan" all the time!
HELLO THERE ARE PICTURES OF ME DOING THE "TOUCHDOWN" ARM SIGNAL IN MY HIGH CHAIR IN A PACKERS JERSEY!
Ok. Sorry, not the same problem, but ridiculous football fan problems: I get them. It's really hard not to punch others sometimes.

wharrgarbl

@entangled Do you have any Pats-fan friends whose parties you can ship him to so as to enjoy your Jets-time without the ever-present threat of a DV charge?

entangled

@TheDragon wait, when the the get there? :)

I feel like a cowboys fan of all people should not be accusing others of being a bandwagon fan.

Also, OMG YOUR DOG SOUNDS ADORABLE.

meetapossum

@TheDragon Packers fans! You guys are intense, but so lovable.

entangled

@wharrgarbl he has no mode of transportation and there are only a few pats fans in our local friends group (there are even fewer jets fans :((((... we live in an area that is basically all transplants and people who don't give a crap about football). otherwise I would totally kick him out for his sins!

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@entangled Hahaha, I'm a Cowboys fan living in NYC. Everyone hates me! Even when we suck which is all the time lately. My best guy friend/boo/football teammate is from Philly so we have the jokily hostile thing going when we watch games together.

TheDragon

@entangled He is pretty adorable...especially in his green bandana with cheeses on it. :) (He's a russet and tan color, so green looks pretty fabulous on him.)

meetapossum

@Mo Cuishle I mean, to be fair, Philly fans are awful. :-p

laurel

@entangled: Try pitying him.

Also, try not to hate us less-affiliated fans too much. I wasn't born into a football family and only came to love the game as a grown up lady watching by myself (shakes fist at preference for nerdboys). I don't feel a strong attachment to the team I used to follow now that all the players I <3'd have moved on so I guess I'm off that bandwagon.

The upside to being my football friend is that if we watch the game together, I'll root for your team. Also, I make amazing nachos.

entangled

@laurel I don't hate people for caring less than I do. I just hate the patriots (and the dolphins, but that's less relevant). he's just such a front-runner about it, being both gloaty and totally clueless as to his own team's history. it'll be interesting to see what actually happens when they inevitably hit a downturn because he hasn't been a fan long enough to realize that inevitably there will be bad years.

katiemcgillicuddy

@meetapossum Two of my very best friends are Philly fans and they agree with this sentiment. One of them is a huge, lifelong fan and is also the loveliest person on earth. But oh god, Philly fans.

laurel

@entangled: I don't think I care less than you do. I find it thrilling to watch it played well. But while I have favorite players, I just don't care all that much about any one team.

entangled

@laurel I don't mean care less about football - I mean care less emotionally who wins or loses.

Bittersweet

@entangled Can you make it a joke and good-naturedly rib each other about your respective teams? I'm also a Pats fan (former Redskins fan who can't deal with Snyder) married to a Jets fan, but we neither of us take it so seriously that fists or tempers fly.

It's too bad that he's gloaty about it...maybe tease him a bit when the Pats lose? I know it's hard not to be emotional when your team loses. It took a while for me to get over my disappointment after the Super Bowl earlier this year.

adorable-eggplant

@entangled OH GOD THE PATRIOTS UUUUUUGGGGHHH. The only team I truly truly detest.

Sometimes I call them the "Patriot Acts" to mock their cheating scandal. You can passive aggressively rick-roll with this link if you'd like, when the gloating gets to intense: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007_National_Football_League_videotaping_controversy

I was raised a Cowboys fan in the 90s, so I know what it's like to feel invincible. But then dynasties crumble. It's a valuable life lesson. Also, maybe it's clear why I have a special place in my anti-heart for the Patriots.

Queen of Pickles

I am remembering the epic barbeque that took place a week ago. Particularly the part where my housemate, the British Actor, and his friend (who I had a Romance thing with later on) kept walking into the screen doors. Apparently this is a Thing. Their explanation: the British do not have screen doors, because it is too cold in the UK, so they cannot see them? They are selectively screen-door blind?

The adorable dorky British man that I had Romantic Times with walked into the same screen door twice in one evening. TWICE.

My heart = butter for a man who walks into the same door twice in one evening, and jokes about it.

Megasus

@Queen of Pickles That is weird, because we have them in Canada, and it is way colder in Canada than it is in GB.

Verity

@Megano! Yes, but you get much hotter in summer than we do.

daisicles

@Megano! My theory is that there just aren't enough insects waiting to divebomb inside British houses to bother with screens. Window screens aren't in ample supply either, even though people open their windows plenty.

OhMarie

@daisicles Late August/early September is like Bug Time here in the Mid-Atlantic, and my house is so full of creepy crawlies and my body so covered in mosquito bites that I basically want to move to Britain right now just because you said that.

Judith Slutler

@Queen of Pickles Yeah I don't think there are enough bugs in northern Europe for screen doors to be a thing. Germany, also no screen doors.

CoffeeAddict204

@Queen of Pickles Screen doors are a thing in places with lots of bugs that come inside. In my experience, that's less common in England and Europe than in North and South America.

professionalmess

I've been waiting all day for this! I literally made myself a note to ask this during FOT this week:

How do people skip days of washing their hair? By which I mean, what is the actual process? Do you still shower? Do you get your hair wet pseudo-wash it, just without shampoo? Don't your bangs get oily?

I ask because I feel like I have weird shampoo buildup that makes my head itchy, but my bangs start looking gross about 23 hours after a shower.

redheaded&crazy

@professionalmess I have a myriad of techniques which might work ... depending on how long your bangs are, you could clip/headband them back for the first day, which will keep them in a newly-washed-appearing state! or you could do that on the second day, which hides the not-so-newly-washed state.

or you could use dry shampoo, or you could use a poor man's dry shampoo: baby powder, cocoa powder (i actually have no idea how much cocoa powder is but i guess it might not be that cheap, somebody reccommended it to me in place of baby powder which can smell kinda over the top) - also depends on your hair colour!

ImASadGiraffe

@professionalmess Honestly, I don't know. I tried doing the sulphate-free washing thing this week and I had the greasiest hair ever. Everyone said it would get better but after 5 days of grease-head I went back to my regular shampoo and conditioner.

wharrgarbl

@professionalmess I shower normally except for the part where my hair gets wet, but I don't have bangs at all. Maybe do that thing where you blot your bangs for oil like you might for your face and leave the rest of your hair alone?

Nocs

@professionalmess Sometimes I wash *just* my bangs, in the sink, with a teeny-tiny drop of shampoo. Because my bangs get GROSS if I skip them with the rest of my hair!

adorable-eggplant

@professionalmess When I worked at a hair salon, the stylists were militant about not washing their hair more than once a week. Also, cold showers... something about pores. Not sure I didn't keep track of everything (not that I haven't got some crazy stories, but what happens in the salon, um, stays there).

What I do remember is that the most lusciously-locked person swore by her shower cap and talcum powder (which was black, so it blended) for getting her hair in the perfect state of unwashedness without too much oiliness. Other people did vinegar rinses for shampoo build up and I still use rosemary essential oil for ichy scalp days (it was an Aveda salon).

H'ok, those are all my secrets. :)

sophi

@professionalmess My hair gets washed around every 3 to 4 days, and on the off-days, I just don't shower because... I'm kind of gross like that. My bangs get oily at about the same rate as my hair, but I just pin them back if they are too gross to wear down.

churlishgreen

@professionalmess I shower, usually with an extremely attractive shower cap on. When I had longer hair, I usually put it up on the day or 3 in between washings. Sometimes I used Bumble+Bumble dry shampoo.

I resisted short hair for a long time partly because I didn't want to have to wash it every day. I recently took the plunge, and am pleased that it hasn't been a problem. With shorter hair, I sometimes get it a little wet and/or add product.

When you stop washing it every day, there's a short phase where your hair feels dirty and gross in between washings, but somehow it adjusts pretty quickly. It took me a long time to let go of the daily wash, but my schedule and my hair are much better for having done it.

Good luck!

Faintly Macabre

@professionalmess I wash my hair every other day at most because it's really curly and pretty dry. I only notice greasiness when my hair is long and I brush it into a ponytail on dirty-hair days--when it's short, any greasiness comes from having to reapply hair goo. I think some people's hair just gets oily faster than others'.

Megasus

@professionalmess I just wash my bangs. BUT I get that itch thing too, and I find it's much better if I use sulphate free shampoo, because it's less irritating.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@professionalmess I have mega-thick wavy hair that turns into a frizzball if I wash it every day, so here is my regimen:
Day A: wash with shampoo, condition, apply Frizz-Ease
Day B: rinse and condition only! No shampoo, no product.
Alternate Days A and B, duh. It sounds crazy but it works shockingly well!

all the bacon and eggs

@professionalmess I just started going days without washing my hair about a month ago and I have Thoughts!

Ok first of all, as for the mechanics of it, buy shower caps. I just put on a shower cap and then shower as normal. I still shower every day. I have long hair, so i pull it up into a messy bun and then pull the shower cap over that. I bought a cheap pack of 25 from Amazon and you can totally reuse them.

Second, my hair is naturally oily but now that I get highlights, the highlights have dried out my hair enough that I can skip a day without washing without looking greasy. But not more. (Yay, chemical damage!)

Finally, I have dry shampoo but I don't really like it. I'm sure that other people can recommend a good dry shampoo. What I do for the no-wash day is put my hair in some sort of updo and spray the hell out of it with hairspray, which keeps it from being oily. I use the Bumble and Bumble purple can.

Queen of Pickles

@professionalmess Don't shower at all on the off-days! But I wash my face. If I remember.

I think I'm on the low end of the sweaty scale, though - I don't tend to feel sweaty, or sweat through things, and once I put on antiperspirant I don't sweat there either.

In the summer, though, I sweat everywhere and just don't give a fig.

area@twitter

@professionalmess I shower-include washing hair- every other day (unless I get sweaty/filthy/feel gross in the interim). Otherwise my hair and skin get dry and itchy and unhappy. Off days I wash face and hands and other relevant bits with a washcloth and mild soap. When I shower without washing hair, I tie it up on top of my head in a big floppy bun and proceed as normal. I'm not sure about the bangs thing though- that's an excellent question! My style's been basic ponytail with minor variations for years, so I'm not much help there.

MilesofMountains

@professionalmess My hair is super oily and pretty fine so I use dry shampoo in the days I don't wash it. I usually shower but just put my hair up (which doesn't really keep it dry and kind of sucks). I've been doing this for 6 months, my hair still hasn't turned down the oil machine, unfortunately.

Cat named Virtute

@professionalmess I shower most days, but only wash my hair every second or third day. If I'm showering I wet my hair, condition it, wash the rest of me, and then rinse out the conditioner. Very occasionally it's it's really perfect I'll just avoid wetting my hair, but in those cases I usually just skip the shower.

@adorable eggplant That's so interesting to me, because I usually find that my hair does NOT react well to being washed in cold water. It's much softer and more manageable if the water is hot or tepid.

Verity

@professionalmess I shower every day, but only wash my hair three times a week (in general). The rest of the time I wear a shower hat so my hair doesn't get wet.

adorable-eggplant

@Cat named Virtute Oh sorry! The hair is firmly under the shower cap in the cold shower scenario. It's just to prevent drying out the skin more generally.

I've got naturally very oily skin though, so I've never bothered to try it.

Cat named Virtute

@adorable-eggplant Ahhh, that makes much more sense.

baked bean

@professionalmess Obviously from all the different responses, everyone's head is different, but:
I shower daily but have gone to washing my hair only every other day.
I have long-ish hair with bangs. I put the hair up in a bun and then clip with a huge clips. The hair doesn't stay completely dry, but mostly. It gets some mist action and stuff, but I think that helps with the oil situation a little. I wash my bangs with my face, just using soap, but not really scrubbing so much, like a light wash? If that makes sense. They just get a little bit wet and soapy as a result from the face being washed. I've tried pinning them back but then they're too oily looking.
My hair looks best on the 2nd day after wash, but not on the 3rd. Sometimes if I have to go 3 for some reason, I will sprinkle some baking soda in my hair and rub in a little and then shake my hair out. This seems to help. I was considering trying some dry shampoo to see what that's all about, becuase I'd like to go to washing only every 3 days.

Bambi

@professionalmess I wash my hair almost every other day. Sometimes, it's every day, but only when I get a really sweaty scalp from the weather or house projects. I throw my hair into a shower cap to keep it dry and then do the poor man's dry shampoo - A blush brush + baby powder (cornstarch based). I then tackle my bangs from under and above the scalp line, the side of my face by my ears (really shows the greasies the most), and random scalp points. I let it sit for 10 min before brushing it out. I have blonde hair, so you can't see the powder, but it might be a problem with darker hair than mine.

I don't get greasy bangs or the slick patch on the side of my hair (even if it is greasy when i put the powder on) when I do this. It does make your hair a bit...gritty or textured, but I'll take that over the greasies.

lemonadefish

@professionalmess

Some days I don't shower at all, because I am secretly a filthy hippy (then I hope I don't end up in a meeting where I have to gesture or pass things out or anything...). Some days I wet my hair whilst washing the rest of me. Some days I put my hair in a bun and keep it mostly dry. And on days it's gotten really greasy and I still don't feel like washing it, I wear a ponytail. I don't have bangs though.

like a rabid squirrel

@professionalmess I wash my bangs every day, and my hair every other day (just put my hair in a ponytail in the shower and shampoo only the bangs). Depending on the grease status, I use dry shampoo, but that tends to make my hair a funky texture.

miss buenos aires

@olliegrace I shower and thoroughly wet my hair every day, but I only wash it with shampoo once a week or so. Or after working out, if I work out more than once a week (happens... sometimes). My hair needs a little natural oil to not frizz out completely. And this bottle of shampoo has lasted almost a year!

Shayna

@professionalmess I shower almost every day, because it has been humid here and I feel gross, but when I don't and my bang look oily and nasty: straighten them. The heat makes the oil go away for the most part. Or wash them in the sink with just water (which may not get all the oil off- it doesn't for me, I need chelating shampoo), dry them/wait for them to dry, then straighten. It's my "screw it I'm not showering today" solution.

sovereignann@twitter

This might have been covered before, but is anyone watching Copper? I really, really like it even though it is not the fastest show in the world AND everyone in Five Points really, really dirty. All. The. Time. allthetime. Oh! And the full clothing, prefunctory sex.

professionalmess

@sovereignann@twitter I watched the first episode and liked it but haven't watched the ones I DVR-ed. Part of that is because it was really not the fastest moving show.

JadedStone

@sovereignann@twitter
LOVE IT.
LOVE IT SO MUCH.
ALL THE PUNCHING.

Megasus

@sovereignann@twitter Oooh I'm gonna check it out then. It defintiely looks like my bag based on all the subway ads I've seen.

Megasus

@sovereignann@twitter OMG GUYS THAT WAS QUALITY MAN ASS IN THE PILOT

sovereignann@twitter

@Everyone. Here is what I've decided. I do like it and it does move faster the more you watch it because you get more invested in the characters. However there is nothing that is romanticized about the time period or really many of the characters. Which is jarring but I like it and will keep watching it.

JadedStone

@sovereignann@twitter Well. The outfits are pretty romanticized. I would KILL for Elizabeth's black dress in the second episode. DEAR GOD. and the top hats! I was actually lamenting to my bf that I wish men had to wear hats when they went out.

sovereignann@twitter

@JadedStone That's true. Here is my question though. How often were people bathing then because didn't even the upper classes have issues with that? I'm totally down with bringing hats back. And can I add suits to that? Mmmmm men in nice suits. I live in the Dallas Fort Worth area, this is something I never get to see.

Megasus

@sovereignann@twitter It depends on what city (b/c some were starting to get indoor plumbing at this point in the richer areas) and class and such. But poor ppl would totally bathe at public fountains all the time, though most people still believed that bathing made you sick.
I really like how they actually went there with that poor little girl being a prostitute. But holy crap, it is creepy when she goes into seduction mode. Although it is also creepy b/c she looks like my ex's baby sister but with darker hair.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Sign spotted on customer comments board in Lakeview Whole Foods:

“Why have you stopped stocking the 64 oz. containers of Stonyfield Farms yogurt? You still have them at the Lincoln Park store. I don’t understand why I should have to go to another store just to get one item.”

#yogurt2012

thatgirl

So, I have an employment dilemma.

I am currently working as a temp, doing reception for an ad agency. In October, this could turn into an open ended/permanent position. I’m making enough to be comfortable, but the hours are long and the position is too inflexible for me to be pursuing the theater career that I moved to the city for.

I’ve been asked to interview for another company, which is a HeadStart provider, as an EA/Office Manager. This is a step up, at least in title. However, it’s in a part of town that I just moved out of and don’t really want to go back to, and the commute would suck a bit more. Also, I got the interview because the mother of this guy I dated when I was 16 (who I’m still sort of friends with but who has some serious personality and emotional issues that I have been trying to distance myself from because being around him makes me unhappy ) works for this company and thought of me. Which is sweet! But also, I don’t want to have to be around the guy, and if I’m working for his mom I almost certainly will be.

I currently have no idea what the time commitment, salary, specific job requirements, etc. are, but I’m planning on emailing the guy’s mom to get a bit more information this weekend. This is a thing that I can do, right? And then to interview, do I just request an afternoon off my current job? I don’t have a long enough lunch to do it then, or I probably would. I’ve never done this sort of thing before, and I am sort of mildly terrified and very clueless.

Nocs

@thatgirl "I have an appointment" <----magic words. You don't have to tell your boss you're taking the afternoon of for an interview elsewhere!

Anna Jayne@twitter

@thatgirl if the mom-person is your connection to the job, I think it's totally kosher to ask her for more information. And yes, I have used "I have an appointment" do do all manner of outside-of-work things, including once to go see a movie.

Cat named Virtute

Guys! This is the first September ever since I was three that I haven't been going to school. I am not broken up about it at all, most notably because instead of starting classes and new books this week, I started dating a girl who I am so completely ridiculously smitten with. It's the first time ever that I've dated anyone that I'm really wholeheartedly crazy about and that I have an awesome healthy sexual relationship with, plus she's really understanding and supportive of all school/work/mental health crap I'm working through right now and it's just so GOOD. I'm trying to contain myself, because we're in the same friend group and I don't want to drive the rest of our friends bonkers with my obnoxious giddiness, so I am squee-ing to all of you instead.

I'm so happy that sometimes I even forget about the fact that almost everything else in my life feels like a disaster and I can't get an appointment with my new therapist for six more weeks. Endorphins I misssssed yooooou.

Judith Slutler

@Cat named Virtute awwwww! That sounds awesome!

Cat named Virtute

@Emmanuelle Cunt Thank you! It really really is.

Fiddle dee dee

@Cat named Virtute

Yay! I am so glad to hear that you are well.

Cat named Virtute

@Fiddle dee dee Thank you! (the girl is the one I was going to see after our 'Pin up!) I hope you are well too.

Lit Drunkard

'Pinners! May I have some fashion advice?

I’m short (5’2) but disproportionately boobed (32 G)- I wear a size 4 pant.
I matured early, and developed the habit of wearing my brother’s baggy old clothing to try and hide my body (it didn’t work)- I finally feel more at piece with my body (though I’m researching breast reduction)—but I feel like I don’t have much of a sense of style. I work for a non profit and tend to wear a uniform of pencil skirts and flats. On weekends, I live in jeans. I feel like I’ve fallen in a rut.
I like menswear looks, but have never found a button down shirt that didn’t burst open at my chest Alien style. I’m pretty low maintenance but want to look more pulled together.
I don’t have a load of disposable income but Denver has some decent consignment shops- in addition to all the typical fast(er) fashion.

Help?

charlesbois

@Lit Drunkard I've got the tailored shirt menswear boobage problem too. Disposable income you say? Visit a tailor or seamstress to alter a shirt to fit your frame and your boobs. Money well spent! Also camis under buttondown shirts can be lifesavers.

sophi

@Lit Drunkard It's not cheap, but you might want to look into Pepperberry by Bravissimo. They have button down shirts that are actually designed for women with breasts! If it's really your style, it could be worth the investment!

EpWs

@Lit Drunkard Echoing @charlesbois: Buy a shirt that fits your boobs (no gaping!) and have the rest of it tailored down. As a small lady with large boobs for my size, I feel you.

Someday I will open a store that sells buttondowns for busty ladies. You are all invited.
EDIT: Apparently there is already such a thing! Gracias, @sophi.

geek_tragedy

@Lit Drunkard

Hello Lit Drunkard! It sounds like what you might need is not style advice per se, but rather to find clothes that actually fit your form. I mean, it's hard to find clothes you like, much less look good in, if your measurements aren't extremely "standard."

I would suggest spending money on two good outfits (I perso like dresses) that fit you properly. To that end, I'd recommend either eshakti (you can customize their clothes for an additional $8) and possibly the UK brand Pepperberry, which is awesome. They basically do straight sizes, not plus sizes, but adjust clothes for bust room, which is awesome. It's like they've realized that lots of women are chesty/hippy but also fit into straight sizes. Anyways, I think finding clothes suited to your form will go a long way to show you how to dress.

yeah-elle

@Lit Drunkard I find that measurements and sizes rarely say much, because so much of creating outfits, in my opinion, has to do with proportion. For instance, you're a bosomy lady (me too!) but there's so much more to it than that. Do you have a tiny waist you like to show off? Or, like me, are you totally short waisted but prefer to show off your legs?

Without knowing that kind of stuff, I'll just say that whenever I fall into a fashion rut, I tell myself to explore with textures. This is something that people of every body type can do. Try not to wear too much of one kind of fabric at the same time. Mix chunky knits with silk, denim with linen, corduroy and leather! I find that this often (accidentally?) looks more chic than wearing cotton jeans and a cotton shirt and a cotton cardigan. I mean, you don't have to go absolutely crazy but it helps me look at my wardrobe and consider new ways of pairing items.

geek_tragedy

@sophi Great minds think alike!

PS Pepperberry are having a sale right now.

Lit Drunkard

@charlesbois When I've worn button downs in the past, I've left the top buttons undone and gone with a cami. I'm just paranoid about cleavage. Maybe if I bought a men's? Or a size up? I'm not opposed to getting anything tailored if I get the mileage out of it

Lit Drunkard

@sophi @geek_tragedy I've never heard of them- but I'll definitely check it out. I don't know if it's my style per se- but always something I've seen and thought "she looks so good! I want to be able to do that!" which I think means, I need to take the jump

Lit Drunkard

@yeah-elle you are brilliant! I've never thought about doing different fabrics (granted I pretty much only wear cotton, so that might be why)- I'm trying to branch into patterns as well.

As for figure, I've pretty small waisted, though I do have a bit of a pooch. I like my legs a lot, short as they are. It's why I lean towards pencil skirts- I think I fit in the 1940s silhouette more than any other (much as I love the mod)

charlesbois

@Lit Drunkard men's shirts will have even LESS room in the chest area than a woman's size. Also the buttons will be on the wrong side :/ I would def go the tailoring route, even if it is just one shirt to try it out.

Lit Drunkard

@charlesbois oh common sense, sometimes I do not have it... truth!

KeLynn

@Lit Drunkard - I second all the Bravissimo/Pepperberry suggestions, although since they switched their clothing line name to Pepperberry I've noticed things running very large. I think I'm a fairly standard sized lady and I'm swimming in their smallest size sometimes. (I still order things, and take chances on eBay, because when something *does* fit it fits awesomely). But cheaper, there is AJ Rumina (http://www.mycurvyclothes.com/). They have button-downs you order by bra size. I've had some super annoying customer service issues twice when trying to order a dress from them - I didn't get it either time and the second time they didn't respond to my emails until I opened a Paypal dispute - but when I ordered my button-down shirt everything went swimmingly.

charlesbois

@Lit Drunkard I was always frustrated when men's shirts would not fit. Also, square neck camis are your friend.

Lit Drunkard

@KeLynn AJ Rumina might have just become my favorite place- and I think you just became my new best friend. The customer service worries me, but some of they're clearance is well priced- and would be worth the risk of a long back and forth. Thanks!

harebell

@Lit Drunkard
Try some of those pretty leather menswear oxfords that are in style for women right now. As a fellow short lady, it's a way to get a little more height and authority without having to wear heels. Plus they are often better for your feet than flats. I have been shocked how much more pulled together I look wearing them than wearing flats, especially ballet flats -- ballet flats can make us smaller types look a bit like children, unfortunately, much as I otherwise love the look. Plus if you like menswear, oxfords will let you flash some nice attitude!

MilesofMountains

The little, 100-person company I work for just got bought out by a 5000-person company! The good news is that they have claimed no one is going to lose their job. The bad news is that they're going to start monitoring internet usage soon. Without Facebook/The Hairpin, how the hell am I supposed to get through my day?!

terrific

@MilesofMountains My internet is monitored and I still Hairpin all the time... I think (although you should tread carefully at first!?!!) that when large companies monitor internet, it is really to make sure you aren't going on The Pornz all day.

aliceandstuff

@MilesofMountains Learn about proxy servers and DNS!

punkahontas

@MilesofMountains Get a smartphone, and whenever you see a good story, copy and paste it into an email and send it to yourself. Looks like you're just reading email! Commenting is going to be an issue though.

(It's true though, probably no one is even looking.)

Nocs

@MilesofMountains Are they monitoring by history, or by bandwidth? A lot of places just look at bandwidth to make sure people aren't Netflixing the day away. My brother once got called out for his bandwidth use, but it turned out OK because he was just streaming audio of baseball games in the background.

MilesofMountains

@Nocs Not really sure yet. I hope it's bandwidth! Apparently it will somehow involve a report card about my internet usage? I don't even understand how that would work.

miss buenos aires

@MilesofMountains Just get a smartphone and frown at it so people don't think you're goofing off.

Faintly Macabre

People who've worked in food service (especially in the kitchen), what shoes did you wear?

The bakery said I need "non slip kitchen shoes," like Birkis or crocs. I emailed them for clarification, but I don't think they noticed the question and I don't want to harass them. Is anything labeled slip-resistant usually good enough for kitchens, or should I look for things designed just for kitchen wear and ceritified slip-resistant?

I'm thinking of getting ugly little Crocs flats because they are cheap and lightweight (I have to take the shoes in my suitcase), or Dansko pros, which are super-comfortable but weigh a ton. Any suggestions?

adorable-eggplant

@Faintly Macabre Close-toed crocs, ever cook I've worked with has worn them. Are the dansko pro's clogs? Maybe go with the cheap version and then reconsider after a month on the job?

Cause other factors include how much padding they already have down (they should have something, but different floor pads have different levels of cooshiness) and the heat of the kitchen, etc.

yeah-elle

@Faintly Macabre In the kitchen at one of my jobs, all the ladies are wearing Dansko clogs.

professionalmess

@Faintly Macabre When I worked food-service, I usually just bought whatever Payless Shoes had that said non-slip and never had a falling down problem, just an ugly shoe problem. A lot of people I worked with got Crocs (make sure they don't have those weird ventilation holes, because gross stuff will get on your feet), and they were more comfortable than my shoes, but I felt like they cost so much (maybe they still do?) so I refused.

Faintly Macabre

@professionalmess Oooh, Payless sells nonslip shoes? Yeah, I kind of hate Crocs, but 6pm.com has a bunch for under $20 and they're so much lighter than Danskos! But the pair I was thinking of (a dainty flat) is pretty open on top, so good to know about the gross stuff!

Lexa Lane

@Faintly Macabre I work part time in catering (on my feet 11+ hours sometimes) and I have Shoes for Crews (these https://www.shoesforcrews.com/sfc3/index.cfm?changeWebsite=US_en&route=c_store.viewDetailsOfProduct&partnumber=9044&size=) and while my feet still hurt at the end of the night, these are *so* much better than the shoes I was wearing before. And my knees mostly don't hurt, which helps me get through. And they have no-slip soles. And they come in lots of styles.

Poubelle

@Faintly Macabre I also went with Payless's non-slip shoes. They worked fine. I might get insoles from Dr. Scholls or similar for inside, though, so your feet aren't too achy at the end of the shift (I like their 18-hour kind, but I think what works will depend on your feet).

Crocs are also good. They even make some that basically resemble ballet flats if you're worried about unattractive shoes. One of my old coworkers had them and loved them. (Though you do run into the whole "entire top of foot is not covered" problem.)

Faintly Macabre

@Poubelle That sounds similar to the ones I was thinking of buying. But some Crocs supposedly have special antislip technology and those were regular Crocs, so I wasn't sure if they were allowed. But I'm thinking they won't be supportive enough for 8 hours on flat feet.

@adorable-eggplant The Dansko Pros are the closed-heel clogs. I have a pair just for normal walking (I have bad feet and want to be Liz Lemon), and they're definitely grippy in wet conditions, but like Crocs, Dansko has special anti-slip lines, too.

Thank you everyone!! I'm going to go to Payless soon (there are 4 within a mile of each other in Philly), and if I don't find anything there, I'll either get Danskos or Shoes for Crews.

OhShesArtsy

I got fired on Tuesday. Because my boss decided that she would rather not hav me in the office anymore but now she's calling all these other companies where she has contacts and telling them that I'm great and they should really consider hiring me?

Fuck, I don't know.

olivebee

@OhShesArtsy I'm so sorry! She didn't give you any reason why?? That seems so bizarre. Good luck with the inevitable job search and interviewing process!

area@twitter

@OhShesArtsy Oh, what the shit. I'm so sorry.

OhShesArtsy

@olivebee She said "violation of policy" on my Separation Notice but did not provide what policy I violated and verbally told me that I seemed "disengaged" from the job. I'm not sure what she wanted considering she's been mercilessly bullying me since the day she got there, refused to let me do any training, berated me daily for not knowing things that I had no way of even knowing that I didn't know, and assigning me to the most difficult accounts but refusing to acknowledge that I turned them around and convinced EACH ONE to stay with my company.

OhShesArtsy

@OhShesArtsy Since she can't fire me anymore and I've already decided to do the job search on my own, I called the owner of the company and tore her to pieces. He was not surprised which made me even angrier - if they know she is a bully who is chasing people off, why is she still there?

dabbyfanny

@OhShesArtsy And this is why we need more unions....see below! This is the absolute worst. I am so sorry.

katiemcgillicuddy

@dabbyfanny Somewhere, Sally Field is holding up a piece of cardboard that says, "UNION".
@OhShesArtsy At least you still get your positive recommendations. Some people get fucked at a job and don't even get that. But mostly, fuck your boss, she sucks. And the company owner sounds like a punk.

OxfordComma

@OhShesArtsy : I feel your pain!

I was let go in August, along with 20 other people, and no one even knew about it until the day it was supposed to happen.

My boss was *furious*--I could swear they threw a bunch of names in a hat and picked 20. So fucking dumb.

Queen of Pickles

@OhShesArtsy Ah, shit. Something similar happened to me.

By the way - that "violation of policy"? That means you don't get unemployment benefits. You get unemployment if you're "laid off", but you don't if you're "fired" for breaking a rule. But if she didn't tell you what rule you broke, there's a chance that she's being scummy and cheating you out of unemployment.

Ugh, this brings me back. When they let me go they wouldn't say anything except that it "wasn't a good fit". But I couldn't get unemployment. UGH.

MoxyCrimeFighter

@OhShesArtsy Ugh, I feel you, deeply - I got fired in July after 2 years of working my ass off for a company, because I wouldn't let the CEO bully me in my new position. I know the job market in general is shitty right now, but try to focus on the new opportunities this will bring! Hopefully, you're in a position where you can take a little breathing room, get over the stress of your shitty job, and re-align yourself to find a better position where you'll be happier. Best of luck!

miss buenos aires

@MoxyCrimeFighter Can you convince someone to change it to "laid off" so you can at least get unemployment benefits? Convince them like, "I'd hate to bring a lawsuit for wrongful termination..."? Or have labor protections been so thoroughly gutted that that won't work?

MoxyCrimeFighter

@miss buenos aires It was a series of events that I won't go into, for legal reasons and so I don't bore you :-), but luckily for me, the official explanation is that I was laid off, so I do collect unemployment and it doesn't look so bad to future employers. But there was some shit leading up to it that made the outcome pretty obvious that I was being let go in response to refusing to let them bully me. It sucks not having a job, but I am not sorry to be gone!

miss buenos aires

@MoxyCrimeFighter Gotcha. Silver lining?

aliceandstuff

I launched my big creative thing this week. It is an email newsletter, sent once a week, that is the equivalent of a blog or a podcast or a zine but in email form. I am super excited as I think it has led to my producing the best writing I have done and I have lots of future ideas. The website is http://probablynever.com/ if anyone is interested, but zero pressure!

Still working on making friends and not crying myself to sleep every night, but baby steps.

Angry Panda

@aliceandstuff I signed up! I loooove getting long emails, so I'm really looking forward to Thursday.:-)
I am also working on making friends and not crying myself to sleep every night, so if you figure that one out, do share. And good luck!

null

I signed up! I used to do an anonymous zine that people could only get by subscribing via e-mail, I was just thinking the other day how fun that was to make.

Lucienne

@aliceandstuff I'm intrigued by this!

miss buenos aires

@aliceandstuff What a cool idea! I'm in...

soul toast

'Pinners! I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I was about to find out the sex of my baby. I found out last week that it's a boy!

EpWs

@soul toast MAZEL TOV!

BTW, Hairpin, this was our attempt at guessing baby toast's gender:
GIRL: 5
BOY: 1
GENDERQUEER: 1

So, we're completely unreliable as a whole, but @The Dragon is apparently psychic.

olivebee

@soul toast Congrats! I was wrong on the sex. Do you have any potential boys' names picked out yet? (You obviously don't have to share what they are if you do).

EpWs

@olivebee Uh, I believe there was a whole list of baseball names right here on the Pin JUST THIS WEEK. PRIME OPPORTUNITY, @SOUL TOAST.

TheDragon

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
ALL BOW BEFORE MY GENDER KNOWLEDGE SKILLS!
@Soul Toast !!! YAY! That is so exciting. Little boys are so much fun and am glad that he has a good pinner mama to raise him right! Congratulations!

soul toast

@olivebee No boys names yet, not really. At least not any serious ones. We've been reading so many baby name lists it's getting ridiculous, and I've started making up joke names. Like Torchibald.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I saw that baseball name list! How timely!

noReally

@soul toast Sons are the THE BEST. The way you love a son, the way a son loves you. Sons.

katiemcgillicuddy

@soul toast Aw, you could call him "Torchy". That's not asking for a pyromaniac at all. One of my brothers is "Daniel" and we mostly call him "Danny". Just throwin' it out there, I was just emailing him and I've always loved his name. Even if it's common, "Daniel" is so grown up, and "Danny" is so cute.

PistolPackinMama

@soul toast Congratulations!

redheaded&crazy

just witnessed the saddest/most hilarious thing: my dog throwing her ball down the stairs then chasing after it, then running back to the top and throwing it down again

DOG: I TOOK YOU TO THE DOG PARK. I BATHED YOU. I FETCHED WITH YOU. I RAN AROUND WITH YOU. CAN'T YOU TAKE A NAP ALREADY

Queen of Pickles

@redheaded&crazie Aww, that's kind of sweet, though! Your dog figured out how to entertain herself!

A lot of grown-up humans can't figure that one out.

entangled

@Queen of Pickles that's my thought, too. that is some brilliant doggie thinking.

redheaded&crazy

question: do all dogs get crazy hyper after being bathed, or just mine?

TheDragon

@redheaded&crazie Mine doesn't act any differently after, but during he sits with dejection in every line of his body and watches me out of the corner of one sad eye. He is dirty now, so he's very happy.

We are actually wrestling in between commenting on the pin. His favorite thing is to get my ankle in his and growl menacingly. It would be very scary if his jaws weren't open so wide that not a single tooth touches me.

MilesofMountains

@redheaded&crazie I used to have one that would do that with pinecones and rocks while hiking! And she'd kind of pounce on it in a way that was really just shoving it with her feet so it'd roll again. If I tried to throw her a pinecone, though, she'd just grab it and run away.

schrodingers_cat

@redheaded&crazie The dog my parents had when I was a kid used to push her ball off the side of our porch so that she could run through the house, out the door, around the side of the house, get the ball, and run back up on the porch to repeat. Sometimes I would make her very happy by throwing the ball from the porch.

Poubelle

@redheaded&crazie My mom's dog goes NUTS when he's wet. I once watched him run circles around the coffeetable, stop to bark at nothing in particular, and then run circles in the opposite direction.

Faintly Macabre

@redheaded&crazie My dog has been barking and throwing his bone and pouncing on it it for attention all evening, despite multiple walks. When I finally sat on the ground and called him over in hopes it would make him stop whining and barking, he grabbed his bone and waddled over to chew it next to me. Dogs!

redheaded&crazy

dog update! while i was doing laundry i found a pair of my underwear with a VERY.SPECIFIC.TARGETED.HOLE chewed out of them. she ... guys she took the yummiest part :S :S :S :S

DOGGSSS

Reginal T. Squirge

Now, it's like the lamest version of a Big Sean song around here:

Tearstearstearstearstearstearstearstears

MoxyCrimeFighter

@Reginal T. Squirge You are delightful, and I think that if you are ever sad and lonely, you should email me so we can chat! Feel better, Sir Squirge.

area@twitter

I am having a discussion with a friend about unions, and how much she hates them, and ugh you guys I can't even. Apparently this is a subject I have really strong feelings about. Not helping is the fact that she earns way more money than I do, and takes expensive vacations and is talking about all the things she has to buy for her brand-new house, while I chose a career (that I love!) where I earn much less and am fighting to pay off loans and credit card debt. I'm just really feeling the income gap between us right now. And I try to not make an issue of it and be happy for her successes, but when we argue about this I just kind of want to say "you do not have the right to judge how people organize, or not, or how they relate with their bosses, or not. And to imply you know better than they do about their lives is hugely presumptuous".
On a more positive note, it looks like I might get that new job! And I'm going to a party Saturday where the stated goal is to drink dry the hosts' liquor cabinet.

adorable-eggplant

@area@twitter Oh that's hard. I've got no clue. Ask her if she likes weekends? Or paid-overtime. Or OSHA regulations that help prevent people from being mangled and also compensation for people who are injured on the job. Actually, maybe don't ask.

Holden Cauliflower

@area@twitter

It's probably a testament to how tired I am this afternoon that "union" didn't seem like a real word to me. I kept thinking "well maybe she misspelled 'onions' or 'bunions?'"

area@twitter

@adorable-eggplant I just- when she says "I can see why blue-collar workers need unions, but white-collar workers? Nope" and I'm going, whaaaaaaaaaaa?! So unions are only for poor undereducated schmos who are too weak and dumb to protect themselves individually?

@Holden Cauliflower Ha, excellent! Onions or bunions would be a better thing to be arguing about, for sure.

adorable-eggplant

@area@twitter What about dealing with harassment, glass ceiling issues, and bargaining for quality healthcare packages? Those are all things a union lawyer can work with folks about. Also, smaller problems like negotiating for flex-time and making sure you can stay on the promotion track, if you decide to take time per the FMLA. Those are things that white collar professionals could really use help and support with.

dabbyfanny

@area@twitter I'm so sorry. I am a university professor, and trust me, even we really need a union. For competitive compensation, academic freedom, to make sure fair standards are applied to all employees, decent healthcare, blah blah but you know this. Trust me, our administration wouldn't give us a damn thing we didn't argue convincingly for as representatives of all the faculty.

Judith Slutler

@area@twitter just sing "Solidarity Forever" and "There is Power in a Union" to her over and over until she gives in?

MilesofMountains

@Holden Cauliflower I honestly thought it said "unicorns" at first, and was trying to figure out who hates unicorns.

The working class side of my family is semi-anti-union, so I don't know if disliking unions is purely a class thing, but I think it's stupid either way.

adorable-eggplant

@Emmanuelle Cunt Yes! Count me in for a "Which side are you on?" vigil anytime. Here's an awesome rendition by Natalie Merchant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeKYVxvzKcU

Judith Slutler

@adorable-eggplant Speaking of stirring songs about The Struggle, oh man Charlie Pierce linked to this and I can NOT stop listening to it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibFZ_oLs-v8

best Civil War song

adorable-eggplant

@MilesofMountains Probably a geographical things too. My working class roots are from Wisconsin, so yeah pretty close to Union or Bust around there.

My dad was doing construction in Texas when the unions got busted here (thanks, Reagan) and he said it was the most heartbreaking thing to watch, because people were suddenly being thrown onto jobs with very little experience or protection. He watched someone take part of his foot off with a jackhammar, get it sewn up in the back of a truck, and go back to work the same day because he was afraid of getting kicked off the job with no pay. My dad, in fact, broke all the toes on one foot and taped them together with duct tape to set because at the time he was a day laborer with no health insurance. Soooo yeah, I think his proudest moment he's had as a dad (besides maybe when I graduated with my master's) was when my brother called him up to say he'd gotten his first union card.

whizz_dumb

@Emmanuelle Cunt Even "This land is your land" could work.

I know some people (NOT ME, my boss (go figure)) dislike unions because a few huge ones or certain ones give the impression that once someone gets in the union they stop working and just rake it in. But I know the entire history and believe that the working class and the employing class have nothing in common and if it weren't for unions, most workers would be much worse off.

adorable-eggplant

@Emmanuelle Cunt I'm getting misty-eyed over here! Thanks for sharing! Heartfelt harmonizing: it slays me.

Also, if we're sharing stirring songs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_E9Nu8JinM0 Oh, Joan, yesss.

Summer Somewhere

@area@twitter I don't know how to talk with people that have entitlement problems that are that serious.

MilesofMountains

@adorable-eggplant I think a lot of it is just that most of that side of my family was involved with a particular tugboat union that sounds like it was pretty corrupt and much better at getting in the way than it was at actually improving anything.

geek_tragedy

@dabbyfanny Amen! Academics get screwed by refusing to unionize. My father was a non-unionized prof, and he was convinced that being in a union would've made his life waaay better.

So now I do organizing work for an academic union. Hells yeah!

@area@twitter--Has your friend heard of weekends, and like, 40 hour weeks? Thank you, unions. Even us non-blue collar peeps enjoy some of these things, thanks to unions.

adorable-eggplant

@MilesofMountains Yeah, I watched the Wire and was like, "Whoa so that's the kind of corruption that people talk about." Every union I've been involved with has been of the scrappy underdog variety (life in a red state) so it's easy to feel very proud and forget that some people have different experiences.

Not larger unions are bad. I've got a friend who works for the teachers union, which is one of the biggest in the state, and she'd say that numbers are their big strength. So, corruption and cronyism rather than size is probably the issue there. :)

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@adorable-eggplant
Oh man you guys I work for unions and I have a HUGE fight ahead of me over the next week. Prayers, thoughts, and good vibes welcome!

geek_tragedy

@josiahg

Solidarity! Remember if you're picketing to bring snacks!

PistolPackinMama

@area@twitter My dad, who is boss, commented once about white collar unions:

The purpose of civil service unions? To stop corruption. If you don't have work standards and wage standards and health care that unions provide? If you move your IT team offshore to a place where people have okay wages but not great and access to private information? If your teachers aren't making reasonable money?

Parents will pay for better grades.
People with no right to access information will buy it.
People will take bribes and move people up in the line/ forward for the permit/ look the other way about the regulation to make up their wage gap.

And if she gives you "eh that's not true?" Tell her to look at civil service before and after the Civil War. A professional civil service with strong work standards is necessary. Tell her to look at the civil services of nations that don't have the same kind of work standards, and at corruption frequencies.

My mom the college administrator? Says she believes teacher's unions are good for her and the other admin staff. The contract provides policy guidelines that are crystal clear. They all know what they expectations for work are, and faculty are fairly compensated. There are procedures to greive the college, and there are processes to fire a worker who isn't doing their work.

Unions protect employers.

Also, I don't get what the difference is between a white collar and any other kind of worker? Does she think they are more competent at self-advocacy than blue collar workers? Hah. That harassment and inury don't happen in workplaces? (My mom broke her foot in a fall on campus and guess how fast the concrete EVERYWHERE was replaced? Because 1) she is the vice-provost and 2) that meant the president was made aware REALLY FAST how much their sidewalks weren't in ADA compliance, and what the union would say about it.)

Goddamn. Privilege makes us blind.

PistolPackinMama

@PistolPackinMama Or... unwilling to see. Said the fully sighted woman who just used blind as a code word for not perceptive. (Sorry about that.)

adorable-eggplant

@PistolPackinMama Good catch! Argh, privilege, it's so pervasive and sneaky.

@Emmanuelle Cunt If we're still collecting stirring songs, I just finished watching another episode of 'Eyes on the Prize' and I have several to recommend.

beerd

@PistolPackinMama

Unions, they are awesome.

So, I learned this today:

Unions are a major driver of the anti-slavery fight in Brazil. (Brazil's anti-human trafficking/slavery programs are innovative, effective, and being studied world-wide.)

Certain interests have made it difficult to prosecute slaveholders with criminal law, so now they do it with labor law--which also means restitution for the enslaved.

Money and land for the formerly enslaved means fewer people so vulnerable that they'll take sketchy jobs beyond the reach of their safety net.

A virtuous cycle, fueled (in part) by unions. They even work with police to bust plantations.

Reading about slavery makes unions seem even more important.

(re-LURK!)

darklingplain

@Emmanuelle Cunt Don't forget Union Maid!

PistolPackinMama

@beerd THAT? AH-MAZING. Do you have a source or anything I could read? I would love to see more.

sandwiches

@beerd I would also love to read more, that sounds incredible!

JadedStone

ALRIGHT.

My takoyaki machine and i need HELP.

I need a good tako recipe! THEY ARE HARD TO FIND!!!

area@twitter

@JadedStone there's such a thing as a takoyaki machine? that is GLORIOUS.

Bloodrocuted

@JadedStone I don't eat octopi, but I could give you a good vegetarian recipe. Are yours not quite right? How do you want them differently?

thenotestaken

@Bloodrocuted Late to the party, but am definitely interested in a vegetarian takoyaki recipe!

katiemcgillicuddy

Hey Pick Em Pinners!

I'm going to kick all your asses this weekend. That is all.

(love, katiemcg)

RK Fire

@katiemcgillicuddy

NUH UH!!!

[seriously, since I kind of blindly guessed on some of my picks, this is the best I can do.]

geek_tragedy

Guys I need halp! I'm putting together a paper out of parts of things I've already written but it's for tomorrow and I'm tirrrred! Someone slap me to keep me awake!

adorable-eggplant

@geek_tragedy When I was a full-time student/full-time worker person, I used to put cold water on my eyelids (when I'd over done it on caffeine to the point where it was no longer sufficient) also little dabs of peppermint oil on my temples (tiny! as far away from the eyes as possible!).

geek_tragedy

@adorable-eggplant Off to the hotel bathroom to try this! I will let you know how it goes!

katiemcgillicuddy

@geek_tragedy Crack cocaine maybe? Or the water thing, whatever. When I used to piece together papers, I'd try to find long (but at least SOMEWHAT relevant) quotes to add to the paper (MAKE SURE TO USE CITATIONS). Doing a few push-ups or crunches (but not actually crunches cause they are kind of ineffective, the "bicycle" move is a great stomach exercise) but some sort of brief, light exercise helps me. And talking to yourself (the crack would definitely help with this, justsayin) helps. So, to sum up, 1.) crack, 2.) quotes, 3.) push-ups

geek_tragedy

@katiemcgillicuddy

Thank you, you are true! I am doing all the above. Mostly just editing and writing a new section of the paper, based on my comps paper. (I basically prepared a few ideas for my comps, and used one of the papers to apply for a conference, so now I am making it bettahhhhh.) I've been doing yoga. (No crack cocaine--I'm in a bucolic village and I might have to walk pretty far to get my hands on some. But I'll let you know if I score.)

eiffeldesigns

Boring refrigerator DRAMA:

Last week my refrigerator stopped working. I called Samsung to get repair dudes out there. They couldn't come until this Tuesday. UGH. A whole week sans refrigerator.

But they get to my house on time, and they are pleasant, and all is well until... they say my fridge is "unrepairable." WTF? What does that mean? It means I wait three more days to hear from Samsung to determine what they are going to do with me.

Samsung has now offered to cut me a check- for about half of what I paid for the fridge because I don't have the receipt (they might give me more if I can locate it). The kicker? It will take up to 22 days to get to me. 22 DAYS!!!!!! I don't have the $$ for a fridge so I need this check waaay quicker than 22 days from now. I kinda wanna cry.

OhShesArtsy

@Kirs Oh, that sucks :(

Lit Drunkard

@Kirs Could you get one of the minifridges off of Craigslist to hold you over? It would store the basics- and a lot of produce/fruit doesn't strictly need to be refrigerated

baked bean

@Lit Drunkard Yeah college kids are selling those all the time for not much. You can just put it right back on later.

Inkling

@Kirs
Samsung is such a dillhole! One time I sent them my new netbook to get the battery fixed, they sent it back COVERED in scratches (like someone kicked it around on concrete and then chewed on the sides) so I sent it back again to get THAT fixed and it came back dead. And they didn't fix it because it died of water damage, which violates the warranty, WHILE IT WAS THERE.
I hope you can find a used one on Craigslist and then write them an Angry Letter. I like to send one every time me or my family buys a new electronic from another company. "I may have considered a Samsung microwave, but I remember how you treated me when my fridge broke, so I went with..." and then total up all the money they've lost on you.

harebell

@Kirs
oh no! That is lousy.
However. More foods than you might think are a-okay without being refrigerated. As long as the part of the country you live in is not terribly hot right now. Just keep everything in a cool area out of the sun, preferably on tiles. I once spent a whole year without a fridge (long story) and found eggs would last at 4-6 days, butter was fine for weeks though a bit soft, yogurt was fine for several days, canned goods obvs fine, veg fine for 3-4 days, milk fine for 2-5 days depending on the weather. You just have to buy insmaller quantities and go to the grocery more often. You can do it!

Maladydee

@Kirs A cooler full of ice will stay cold surprisingly long, too! So anything like meat that absolutely has to stay cold will be ok for a couple of days, and you probably won't be buying more than a few days of groceries at a time. It won't be fun, but you can do it!

TheDragon

I'm taking my dog on a hike and never coming back. I'm also taking my sketchbook.
Hiking is how I deal with shitty boys. Hard to be mad when you're at the top of a mountain pass and your dog is romping through the yucca and creosote.

gobblegirl

@TheDragon Bring snacks.

TheDragon

@gobblegirl That is an excellent point. I actually really like the coconut chocolate chip cliff bars!

theotherginger

@TheDragon get the mint builder bars. they are so good.

TheDragon

@theotherginger I've been wanting to try them because I love mint, but I thought they sounded too weird to try!

theotherginger

@TheDragon they're super hard to get in Toronto, and I had the first one on a trip in California. It was soooo good.

TheDragon

@theotherginger I am gonna pick some up the next time I go shopping

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@TheDragon: Clif bars are so dense - they are truly fuel for doing something strenuous, like hiking/biking

MassCasulty

I am in DESPERATE need of hair help (Hi! I made a goal to comment more, I've been reading for years). My super long, super fine, but previously super-thick hair is falling out like crazy. I've lost about 30% of my total volume over the last two months, and its absurd how much hair there is all over my shower, in my hairbrush, and covering everything I own. I'm only 25, and though I've had hair changes before, I've never really had this kind of drastic hair loss. And, I mean, I'm sure it could be stress related, but my totally unscientific google research is now convincing me that the hair is never going to come back and my widow's peak is going to be sparse and sad forever :(
Has anyone ever found any products that 1. aren't super spendy, b. non-prescription (I don't have health insurance! Things are awesome right now!) and three. aren't rogaine/whatever the girl equivalent is? I'm pretty much looking for shampoo, ideas, anything, or even just reassurance that this isn't permanent.

Faintly Macabre

@MassCasulty I'd really recommend seeing a doctor somehow, even if you don't have insurance. I don't know much about massive hair loss, but from what I remember, there are a lot of possible underlying conditions. That kind of hair loss is not like male pattern baldness--it is not a usual thing. (Not to scare you! This just is the kind of thing where a doctor's expertise will serve you much better than the internet.)

elsbels

@MassCasulty I second the doctor recommendation, it could be thyroid related.

Summer Somewhere

@MassCasulty Maybe you could find a free/sliding scale clinic?

laurel

@MassCasulty: I lose hair when I'm super stressed. Taking a Vit B supplement totally helps. But yeah, go see a doctor.

vunder

@MassCasulty a friend had luck with Nexxus shampoos. Not cheap though.

up cubed

@MassCasulty: Any changes in prescription medications or any products that you use? Also, it might help narrow down the cause if you can figure out whether you're losing hair in a single area or all over.
Quick hides: for my widow peak: I use some mild hair color because it is supposed to add volume and try to sweep that section of hair forward more than backward.

punkahontas

@MassCasulty This happened to me about a year ago. I went to the Dr, who checked my thyroid but didn't find anything wrong. She referred me to an endocrinologist, who still didn't find anything wrong, and suggested it might be dietary.

I had gone on a realllly strict diet about a month prior, only for a few weeks, but I think it really fucked my shit up. Try eating healthy, (esp good fats) taking a multivite, and taking Biotin. Worked for me!

Jennifer Culp

@MassCasulty My hair fell out majorly before my thyroid problem was diagnosed. I thought I was going bald. (And depressed. Thyroid supplements fixed that, too!) Go see yo doc.

anachronistique

@MassCasulty When I switched antidepressants a side effect was hair loss, and my psychiatrist suggested zinc supplements. It seems to have worked? Can't hurt, anyway. But I agree with everyone else that you should still probably see a doctor.

Holden Cauliflower

You guys! I have 3 pin pals, technically, but 2 of them never responded to my letters. :(

Or maybe they DID and one of the 6 strangers I share a mailbox with is a thief. I don't like either of these options. :( :(

TheDragon

@Holden Cauliflower Maybe their address changed? Mine changed, and I wrote a letter with my new one, but I'm afraid that my pinpal didn't get mine and is sending my mail to my old apartment!

Holden Cauliflower

@TheDragon

But I wrote as soon as I got my assignment :( :( :( :(

Oh well, I do have one pin pal who is amazing and smart and funny and a bit of a procrastinator but in more of a "letters pop up in my mailbox as soon as I stop expecting them so it's a fun surprise!" way than a "oh god she doesn't caaaare she never wriiites" kind of way.

yeah-elle

I saw The Tallest Man on Earth last night and he was fabulous! Like a ridiculously talented woodland elf from Sweden. But now I have Post-Great-Concert-Apathy.

alpacasloth

@yeah-elle Post-Great-Concert-Apathy is the worst.

Gracefully and Grandly

Dating advice pretty please! So I'm not a very forthcoming person when I first meet someone, and I'm terrible at putting myself out there (even writing this question was hard, which I know - lame, it's the 'pin!). And that's totally fine when you're going on dates with dudes and are just having a meh time and just don't care what happens. But I just went on a fantastic/super amazing 2nd date with someone who I actually really clicked with (which is pretty exciting because that happens so so rarely/never for me), I didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable, and was just my sarcastic self and it was amazing. So I've been called an ice queen in past relationships in terms of showing interest, and I don't know how to phrase this other than "how can I be more open?" but, I guess that.

olivebee

@Gracefully and Grandly Well, it sounds like if you are already comfortable with him enough to let your full self shine through, I would just keep that momentum going. Be honest and talk about things that mean something to you for one reason or another. If you are goofy, be goofy. You felt a click with him, which means you are already starting off on a "more open" foot. Just don't put up a wall (unless he does something shady), and you should be fine.

theotherginger

@Gracefully and Grandly don't stress about it (worst advice ever, I know). But, rock your reserved self. And take the click to the next level when the time is right for you!

melmuu

@Gracefully and Grandly I get that all the time, too! I have guys I've been on a couple of dates with tell me I'm "aloof" or that they "like me, but can't read me," but it's so strange to me, because from my perspective I'm talking, laughing...you know, all the normal things you do when you're having a good time with someone. What am I supposed to be doing? Going, "Ahahahahaha you are SO perfect I love you forever!" like an insane person, or what? Ugh, sorry to get worked up, but I have heard it one too many times:)

Jennifer Culp

@Gracefully and Grandly Why don't you just tell him what you told us? "I had a fantastic/super amazing time on our 2nd date." If you want to be even more explicit you can tell him that you felt like you clicked with him in a way you rarely do with other people, but just plainly stating that you have a wonderful time in his company is probably enough to do the trick.

Gracefully and Grandly

Thanks everyone. Your comments are reassuring/helpful! It's been a while since I've been legitimately interested in someone so I'm just a bit rusty, and may be over thinking things a bit :)

Gracefully and Grandly

@Jennifer Culp Just texted him! Let's see what happens now...

KatPruska

Help! Want to move out of NYC, constrained by MrKat's software job market, PNW looks awesome to me but he dreads and fears all the rain. I dread and fear going any farther south, latitude-wise, because I will curl up and cry and melt into a puddle and perish of heat and humidity (why can't I find a cotton bra???!!?).

Leaving the weather debate out of it for the time being, any PNW-pinners feel like making a case for or against the region? I miss easily accessible nature and canoeing and frankly, much as I love the MTA and hate driving, my feet and all their emo issues would probably appreciate a little less walking. I like cities, but this one is choking me and after six years I don't feel like I've made any progress on a number of fronts and it's just depressing the hell out of me today.

Ugh, such a downer. I've been waiting for the open thread all day!

Holden Cauliflower

@KatPruska

I'm a Seattle pinner! I love it here, and can say that we don't get nearly the amount of rain you're probably imagining. It's more the general overcast-ness that gets to people - you'll go days without seeing the sky for all the clouds, but when it does rain here it's generally more of a drizzle that starts and stops than the kind of torrential downpours you see in the Midwest or East coast. :)

()
()

@KatPruska

Some hard data on the rain ...

According to NOAA, NYC has 121.9 precipitation days (49.92 inches/yr on average). Portland, OR has 154.5 precipitation days (36.01 inches/yr on average).

Yes, it rains a lot from October-May. On the other hand, it rained 0.23 inches in July and August combined in PDX this year.

Summer Somewhere

@KatPruska Well, it doesn't rain here as much as other places (NYC for example). It's more of a constant on-and-off drizzle. We do have about 6 months worth of cloud cover starting in fall and ending mid-spring, which is what gets to most people. PNWesterners fucking love nature, so you'd fit in there.

Summer Somewhere

@KatPruska I love that all the PNW pinners had the exact same comment at the exact same time.

null

I can confirm that seasonal affective disorder is a real thing! An onslaught of drizzle that will slowly wear you down month after month. But if you're into getting out into nature it'll make up for it, we are so spoiled in that regard.

KatPruska

@Holden Cauliflower OH MY DOG PLEASE TELL HIM THAT. I fucking love it when it's overcast. Gray skies and drizzle make me happy. I find his attitude confusing, since he's a total indoor kid anyway.

This is going to end my marriage! (I say this flippantly, but deep deep down it is a genuine concern).

And I've heard about the Seattle freeze or chill or whatever, in the context of, "Don't move there! You won't make any friends!" and I'm all, "My people! My cranky, introverted, people! I've lived in Brooklyn for six years and I don't have any friends anyway."

Summer Somewhere

@KatPruska The disconcerting thing about the Seattle freeze (to me) was that Seattlites will be totally polite or even enthusiastic about hanging out to your face, and then turn you down every single time you ask, or flake out. For years, the only friends I made here were other people who had recently moved from out of state. When I made my first native-Washingtonian friend, I felt like I had been let into the secret club.

Reginal T. Squirge

It's totally worth it because the summer here are perfect (no rhyme intended).

KatPruska

@Summer Somewhere See, that just sounds like all of my friendship-making attempts post-high school. I always manage to pick people who are flaky and/or too busy for me, and not understanding how to put effort into a relationship or notice when it's all one-sided is a big issue for me. Sigh. Undiagnosed ADD does really fucked up things to a person.

KatPruska

@Reginal T. Squirge That is what I suspect.

Also, amazing avatar.

Reginal T. Squirge

summers*

And thanks.

Maryaed

@KatPruska Portland is friendly. And drizzly. And there's software.

OxfordComma

@KatPruska : Portland is hella better than Washington in terms of greyness.

I would highly, highly recommend not moving further north than Seattle--I grew up three miles south of Canada, and I shit you not, in 1999? It rained for THREE MONTHS STRAIGHT.

I wanted to die.

If you do move to the Pacific Northwest, get full-spectrum lighting and a sunlamp--they make a world of difference in terms of dealing with SADD.

Also, those comparative rainy/sunny days?

They're not really saying how many in a row you are getting in either New York or Portland. And *that* is what makes the difference.

MoonFlavor

@Summer Somewhere Sounds just like Minneapolis.

Verity

I had an excellent holiday in York this week - by myself, able to wander around and read books and eat nice food and see mediaeval things without having to consult anyone else at all. It was lovely. And now I am staying at my boyfriend's and we're going to Bloomsbury tomorrow with some friends to visit nice bookshops (even though I bought about thirteen books in York and can barely carry all of my stuff). Yay!

geek_tragedy

@Verity

Ooooh! You must be near me! I'm in Yorkshire at the mo for a conference, and have been doing research in the Bloomsbury area! There's some good stuff: socialist bookshops! Store Street Espresso! A giant Waterstones! (I'm sorry about the last one.)

OwlOfDerision

@geek_tragedy Aahhh I love Store St Espresso! The cake shop attached to the LRB bookshop is also good.

halfheartedyoga

@OwlOfDerision theres also a lovely tea room at the Oriental and African bookstore accross from BM. Killer cream tea. And sweet service. I like Store St but they can be a bit surly-2-cool-for-school. Guess I miss London because I live in asia now and took the time to write this :(

OwlOfDerision

@Verity Weirdly, I once met the guy who runs that tea room - he and his wife live in North London, and they were renting out a spare room which I went to view.

(Cool story, bro)

daisicles

I'm moving out of my terrible student flat tomorrow! Is it okay to strangle my flatmate for dirtying up the kitchen even worse than it already was every single time I've tried to clean this week? Because I think that's the only way I'll be able to finally clean the stove and not get charged for leaving it a mess.

Honestly, students should be illegal.

questingbeast

@daisicles Ugh I lived with terrible students last year. They are The Worst. I once found a pork pie six months past its sell-by date. Go ahead, strangle.

noReally

Ok, help. Someone died. I am going to the funeral, excuse me, "Memorial Celebration." I am inclined to wear black. Does anyone do that anymore? Does anyone think that the family calling it a celebration should change it? She wasn't very old, it was really sudden, it's incredibly sad. I am sad. I have lived in environs (the south) where it would be weird not to wear black.

What do you wear to memorials/celebrations?

theotherginger

@noReally I wear black. It's 100% legit, but I'm guessing that not in the south, it's less of a requirement. But I also wear black to weddings, because I like it.
Hugs to you. It's ok to be sad. I hope you have people to be sad with.

redheaded&crazy

@noReally you can wear some black mixed with colour or grey, but if you wear all black it would be totally fine as well.

Funerals are so sad. I second all theotherginger says.

MilesofMountains

@noReally I wouldn't wear all black. At most of the funerals I've been to black is mostly just the immediate family, and it sounds like maybe they're trying not to do the traditional funeral thing? Maybe just do muted colours like grey or brown.

yeah-elle

@noReally I'm sorry for your loss.

I think that in cases of mourning dress, you can wear whatever you want, as long as it's respectful. Black isn't always a requirement for funerals, but it's always appropriate, unless the family and/or culture has different traditions. But even in the case of a family request...I went to a memorial once where they asked us to all wear purple (it was her favorite color) but some people still wore black. That was fine. It was what they felt most comfortable in and they came to remember a person they love, and that's all that matters.

PistolPackinMama

@noReally Yes. It is classy and appropriate at all times to fall back on black when you don't know what to wear to a funeral.

Priscilla Peel

@noReally I'm so sorry! I was just at a family funeral, and almost everyone was wearing dark blues. I was too, but in my case it was because the funeral happened unexpectedly while I was visiting my family, and the only dress I had with me was blue.

OxfordComma

@noReally : I wore a dark navy-blue dress with small polkadots to my grandfather's memorial service.

If it had been his immediate funeral, I probably would have gone with all black/dark grey/navy.

In my mind, it's kinda like not wearing white to a wedding--just a social more that is polite to maintain.

theotherginger

question for the pin-universe - should i go back on okc? In another country? where I am staying for a short amount of time?

laurel

@theotherginger: Honestly, that set of circumstances sounds ideal. Especially if you think of yourself as a dating anthropologist.

theotherginger

@laurel I have always wanted to be an anthropologist...

vunder

@theotherginger That sounds like so much fun! Man, I wish I'd thought of that (and it were possible, because it weren't) during my peripatetic single-person days.

PistolPackinMama

@theotherginger DO IT AND REPORT BACK said the other other ginger to @theotherginger.

Quinn A@twitter

@theotherginger Yes! It's a good way to see parts of that country that you otherwise wouldn't. And OKC dates usually at least give you good stories.

Passion Fruit

@laurel Ha, I read this as dating ornithologist, and I was like, "Hmm, yes, yes, dating is alot like bird watching..."

Judith Slutler

My boyfriend has a job interview in my city on Monday o_o oh wow

polka dots vs stripes

Pinners, this is the third Friday in a row I have been the only person in my office (with my boss going in and out). This is getting really old! I've been listening to music but had to turn it off because I got a monster headache, so suggestions for:

1) pretty jewelry websites to look at
2) generally any kind of fun website to read
3) things to do to entertain myself

are being accepted. Gracias, mis amigas.

KatPruska

@polka dots vs stripes jenniferarmintrout.blogspot.com Absolutely brilliant recaps of Fifty Shades of Grey from an actual author. Also, hysterical.

Quinn A@twitter

@polka dots vs stripes I like Sihaya Designs on Etsy. Most of the jewelry I've bought in the last four years has come from her. Plus she does custom work and can duplicate a lot of the pieces she's already sold.

VelourFog

The only ex that I ever thought I would marry is getting married very soon. I don't want to marry him anymore, but I also don't want to have to see all the details on Facebook. Angst.

TheDragon

@theotherginger Ugh. That can't be fun.

JadedStone

@CarlyM
What? DELETE from Facebook! Block alerts! Why are you causing yourself pain???

VelourFog

@JadedStone I feel like deleting him now would look suspicious and immature. And we have a handful of mutual friends who will probably post pictures. I did go in and set it to not show any alerts from that guy though. I'm just wondering if it will work, being Facebook and all.

billie_crusoe

@CarlyM I don't see any updates from friends I unsubscribe from, so probably it will work. I still see if they comment on another friend's status, and I can go to their profile and see everything, but it's not in my newsfeed. (And maybe occasionally I see if another friend comments on their stuff? I don't think so though.) Useful during election season...

JadedStone

@CarlyM WHO CARES HOW IT LOOKS? You broke up! You don't care what he thinks! your pain is not worth what he might think!

BattyRabbit

@CarlyM Def unsubscribe. It won't completely hide everything he does like blocking him would, but it will bring it down to the level of occasional twinges instead of a constant kicking in the face.

VelourFog

@BattyRabbit & @all Thanks for the Facebook tips! I should be reasonably cocooned. Now to get super drunk on the actual day.

@JadedStone I think I would end up getting more grief if I unfriended all the people I would need to in order to make the plan work. Combination of not having the balls to cut out that many people over an amount of short term angst that probably isn't worth it. But in general (and for other people, heh) I endorse your advice.

elsbels

Go Fug Yourself alerted me to the fact that Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder both attended the Venice Film Festival this week and that both are currently single. It's been on the back of my mind all week.

Megasus

@elsbels WINO FOREVER

questingbeast

Staying at my grandparents' house. I love them, but I am very tired of my grandad's racism. It's never reeeally awful, just sort of weird stereotyping comments? So I'm constantly parsing everything he says in my head, so I can eventually go 'great, that one's clean!'. (My nan is the world's loveliest person and not a bit racist. I suspect her 'deafness' is a tactic for ignoring my grandad when she feels like it.)

In good news- I am going home tomorrow, and my boyfriend is moving back to the town where I live for a whole year at least! He's lived somewhere else basically the whole time we've been going out so far, and I am sick of long-distance, so it will be great!

baked bean

@questingbeast My dad complains about things out loud, or says bigoted things, I think as "preaching" more than anything else. Like, if they spout on about how bad gay people are, or how lazy people on welfare are, that's reminding the kids of what's right and wrong.
Or sometimes they think their audience agrees with them.

I have a hard time speaking up though, when it comes to family, so I'm not much on helping fix it. I can tell peers and strangers they're racist/homophobic/sexist as fuck and that I take it personally.

questingbeast

@baked bean I have told my grandad I don't like certain comments in the past, and I think if he was more balls-out racist I wouldn't have a problem doing it more. I just find the way he does it confusing I guess- today he made a joke so strange I literally spent 10 minutes trying to work out which of two groups it was offensive to, I think I decided maybe just one but possibly both but also he was trying to make fun of political correctness in an 'ironic' way? I'm never sure of my ground. And often when I pounce on something- '"them?" who do you mean?'- he'll be all, 'Why, newsreaders of course! What did you think?'. I can't decide if I let him off too easy or am too suspicious.

adorable-eggplant

@questingbeast Newspaper readers? That's a new one...

I'd suggest not engaging. I think some particularly entrenched racists enjoy flattering themselves that they are being edgy and subversive (HA) so if it's not possible to cut them out completely then choosing not to engage robs them of that self-satisfied gloating about what a square you are for respecting the inherent dignity of all people.

Go with a stony face (maybe incredulous blinking) and then get up and walk away. If you can't leave, I'd suggest still standing up or turing around and then walking back as a sort of symbolic I'm not going to listen to this.

questingbeast

@adorable-eggplant Well I got through it without him saying anything 'woah'-racist, so I'm going to take that as a victory for my and my mother's long-term tactic of shouting 'shut up'. Yeah, stony silence is basically my method when it's just me/I'm not sure if it's racist. Defeating racism, one annoying octogenarian at a time.

Newsreaders- people who read the news on TV?

Lexa Lane

Okay, I have a problem and I'm hoping the 'Pin crowd has some suggestions. I've lived in the same apartment for a little over a year and a half now. I love it. To make rent, I have to have a roommate. My newest roommate moved in about a month ago (found her on Craigslist). She's very nice, and we seem to get along fine...she just spends all of her time in her room. I'm worried that I'm somehow not making her feel welcome in the rest of the apartment. All the furniture and kitchen stuff in the main part of the apartment is mine (I've left open space on some of the bookshelves if she wants to put out her books and dvds and knicknacks, but nothing so far), but she pays half the rent and half the utilities - I want her to feel like if she gets home first, she can crash on the couch and watch tv in the living room, instead of hanging out in her room all the time. I feel like I need to find something for us to do together, just to kind of break the ice or something, but I can't figure out what - she doesn't seem to cook, and our taste in movies isn't all that similar. (She's also five years younger than I am - I'm 29 and she's 24 - which sometimes seems like a big gap and sometimes not.) Any thoughts? Suggestions? Commiserations?

redheaded&crazy

@Lexa Lane video game console?! :D like an old school n64 with mario party on it? suggest to throw a party together? invite her to dinner where you cook for her? make a regular tv date for like bachelor pad or whatever?

paperbuttons

@Lexa Lane As a shy person I can totally relate to her, and my only advice is to be pretty direct with your overtures. Maybe put a movie on and knock on her door to see if she wants to watch it with you? If she declines, don't get discouraged, just make sure you keep trying a few more times. Also, invite her out if you are headed for drinks or a show or something, that should really help.
Sometimes people like us need a LOT of coaxing before we come out of our little caves. It's annoying, but it will be worth it in the end when she stops tiptoeing around and you guys can feel normal around each other. Good luck!

polka dots vs stripes

@Lexa Lane This might sound ridiculous but, from someone who can be severely introverted and have internal "ohmygosh don't be in their way!!!" kinds of feelings - just tell her. Remind her she splits half of the rent and utilities and she's welcome to make this her home, because it is!

Who knows, though, maybe she would be in her room all the time even if she was living on her own. But just make it explicit, and maybe she'll come out of her shell a bit.

somuchsugar

@Lexa Lane Maybe ask her to co-host a cocktail party with you at your place, you guys might get close while planning it, meeting each other's friends...

polka dots vs stripes

I also fully support @paperbuttons suggestions!

Maryaed

@redheaded&crazie Yes, feed her! And maybe ask her if she'd keep you company while you fold laundry or something.

angelinha

@Lexa Lane I think making a point to have dinner together ("Hey, I think we should cook dinner together. Are you free on Thursday?") could be a good starting point. Or whatever else you guys both like to do! Or a housewarming party where you're very specific with the Facebook invite language (welcome to OUR new home please come warm OUR new home).

billie_crusoe

@Lexa Lane I second that you should invite her very explicitly to do something and/or tell her she's welcome to use common things like other people suggested, and then don't worry about it? I am terribly introverted and, after a day of interacting with people at work/school, I just really need alone time, no matter who I live with. Even if I like you a lot, I still don't want to see you for at least an hour or 2 after I get home.

baked bean

@billie_crusoe I agree. I think some people like to be alone, but just invite her to do things just in case she wants to hang out and is shy.
I like the idea of offering food or asking her if she wants to watch a movie/play a game. But also don't be too offended if she declines, you don't really know her personality yet, she could be really busy in her room, who knows?

TheDragon

@Lexa Lane I'm a little jealous. I just moved to a new place and spend all my time in my room. But my roommate does too. I feel like I'm living alone, and it gets lonely.
I think you wanting to include her is lovely

Lexa Lane

@TheDragon and everyone - thanks! I think part of the problem is that I am pretty introverted (probably more so than she is - she's actually pretty perky and friendly, and even though she's in her room all the time, she does leave the door open), so drawing someone else out doesn't come naturally to me. I worry that I might be coming across as unfriendly, though hopefully not. Plus, we've both been in and out (traveling) this month, and she's just out of grad school and is still adjusting to being out in the real world, with a job and everything. I think you're right, I do need to just say straight out "please, use half the apartment! I want you to feel at home here!" and maybe making us dinner some time... We don't need to be best friends or anything, I just want us to happily coexist and be friendly. Mostly I just don't want her to feel that her room is her only space and I have 'dibs' on the rest of the apartment. You all are great, and I appreciate your advice. :-)

sherbet

@Lexa Lane You are an awesome roommate for this. I just left a roommate situation where I lived in my room and paid half the rent, and it would have made all the difference in the world of it feeling like home if my roommate at made even one move to help me make the rest of the house mine.

I would say she might be super shy, just keep reminding her and leave the living spaces available sometimes for her even if she doesn't use them, so she feels like it's available to her and not just your space.

anachronistique

@billie_crusoe Yeah, I loved my old roommate but I still spent a lot of time in my room - partly because that is where the internet is and partly because after eight hours of Dealing With People I ned to come home and decompress.

baked bean

@sherbet Do you think it'd help if lexa lane said something like, "Is there anything you want to put in the living room? Feel free, it is a shared space!" Or a discussion about what she is open to share, like living room furniture and tv and kitchen things?
I had the opposite kind of roommate once that had some weird problem with sharing. She let us, but you could tell it super bothered her and she thought we were going to break all of her "expensive" (furniture and kitchen items from walmart) stuff that we would have replaced had we harmed them because we were her friends.
Oh, and you could kind of tell that she thought my stuff was not as nice as hers? Because it wasn't new? But it was hand-me-downs from my family, much of which were antiques or vintage and nice and quality shit, not to mention personal value.

sherbet

@baked bean I think a conversation would totally help! If nothing else, it would help lexa lane feel better - if the roommate continued to hide out, then she'd just know that's what the roommate preferred and also know that she made friendly gestures and is not just accidentally icing out her roommate.

My roommate was a little like that, too, but it wasn't about me breaking her stuff. She just didn't want to make the effort to move her things around a bit, especially in the kitchen, so that I could feel at home. And she didn't try to make her own room a place where she wanted to be if she wanted to be alone, instead she just "let me" hang out with her in the living room while she took up the whole couch and chose what was on tv and didn't really talk to me. It was a really awkward and by the end of my time there I would just have friendly conversations with her when she seemed up to it, and then hid in my room the rest of the time :/
(sorry that was so long!! I just moved out this week and obviously still have a lot of feelings about it, haha.)

baked bean

@sherbet Ha no big. I could really rant about ex-roommates if I wanted to. There are so many more awful things about my said roommate than her having problems sharing.

sherbet

@baked bean eeeeep. I feel like I've gotten lucky in the roommate department - bad situations, sure, but I have heard way worse.

baked bean

@sherbet The whole system doesn't make sense. We shouldn't have to live with people that aren't our family, or like family to us. It's not natural. Except, money.

The Mythical Codfish

I'm running on three and a half hours' sleep and a mega coffee;

I got an email at 11:30 last night saying my graduate assistant hours have been cut by half for this semester;

I got the apartment I wanted, and while funds will be tight, I will have enough to live on;

And I realized all my decorating needs can be taken care of with two $3 cans of spray paint. So, all in all, I've kind of come out ahead today.

paperbuttons

A few months ago I asked the FOT about how you all deal with acute anxiety, and got a lot of encouraging responses. I just wanted to post an update. I've quit drinking (actually that part was an accident , but it still counts right?) and have been taken Passion Flower and 5-HTP every day for about two months and I feel SO MUCH better.

I mean I will probably always be an anxious, somewhat neurotic person, but the episodes of lying flat on my floor for hours just feeling my heart race and being totally incapacitated seem to be over (knock on wood!)

I don't actually know if it is the Passion Flower, the 5-HTP, or the lack of booze, but I just wanted to share what has worked for me so far, in case anyone else is in a similar position.

adorable-eggplant

@paperbuttons High-five, my fellow anxiety-afflicted friend!

theotherginger

@adorable-eggplant please tell me more about passion flower and 5-htp. I love it when people share what works for them!

paperbuttons

@theotherginger Well I have been taking them both in pill form, two Passion Flowers in the morning and one 5-HTP a few hours later. Occasionally the Passion Flower makes me a bit sleepy, but it's a pretty good trade off I think. The first time I took the 5-HTP I got extremely giggly, like I was high. It was actually pretty fun :)
But that effect wore off pretty quickly and now it just helps take a teensy bit of the edge off.
Neither of them seem to impair my work at all, I don't feel spacey or slowed down, in fact I'm pretty sure they only help, as my hyper-reactive inner critic seems to chill out JUST enough so that I can actually write instead of, you know, lie on the floor steeped in my own sense of worthlessness.
But again, all of this may be due to the cessation of the ol' daily gin and tonics...

theotherginger

@paperbuttons since today I had a day of lying around doing nothing because of exhausting self/panicking due to travel/ignoring feelings/feeling hungover in spite of not drinking I might have to go to a health food store tomorrow!

paperbuttons

@theotherginger Aw good luck, girl!! If you do decide try it, tell me how it goes in the next FOT!

theotherginger

@paperbuttons ok. i might try couch surfing. it has worked well both for friends and other benefits in the past. and way less work than okc.

remargaret

@theotherginger Wait. Like couchsurfing for dating purposes?!

theotherginger

@remargaret yes. getting people to "show me around the city". I feel like it could work.

dale

My roots are growing out & showing all the grey again. My question to you is, would highlights/lowlights (and midlights? is that a thing?) in autumnal colours be do-able? I don't like wearing those colours as clothing, but I think a rich brown and golden red and...some other shade would be really interesting together on my head.

olivebee

@dale Yes, totally do-able! Before I started dying my own hair (which is naturally chestnut brown), I used to get subtle red and golden highlights put in. I love the look of the colors together, and I kind of miss it.

laurel

@dale: I've been coloring my dark brown/grey hair with henna and indigo lately. I'm not usually this much of a hippie but my hair felt so crappy from commercial dyes that I gave it a try. I'm using the grey coverage package from this place, which is skin art quality and finer, less twiggy, less smelly than the first henna I tried from my co-op. The website has tons of badly organized info and recipes that are kind of fun to look through.

My greys are a dark red-gold, which is kind of cool looking with my espresso brown hair. My hair is much glossier and softer now, after a few months of touch ups than it was when I was coloring it with commercial dye. The downside of henna-based dyes is that they don't fade so you either grow them out or color over them.

EpWs

@dale Sounds so pretty!

Another option is a glaze, which I had done for a while. Apparently they do cool things with greys!

laurel

Last night I relocated a praying mantis from my house to the garden and she bit me. Does this mean I'll decapitate the next man I sleep with?

redheaded&crazy

@laurel choose wisely

laurel

@redheaded&crazie: Seriously. I have a boyfriend, but if there's a chance I'm going to off him, maybe I should experiment on someone I like less?

TheDragon

@laurel Excellent excuse to sleep with a dumb but hardcore attractive man.

laurel

@TheDragon: I'm thinking of my beautiful, useless ex.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@laurel
Wait, they really bite you!? I have always been terrified of praying mantises. In my visions, they tear a thin bleeding line across my face or maybe my arm. Is that what happened? omg omg omg

laurel

@josiahg: Naw, just a tiny nip, which she totally wouldn't have done if I wasn't holding her in my hands. Didn't come close to breaking the skin but totally startled me. A little disappointing, really, 'cause if I'm going to be bitten by a large, fearsome bug, I want superpowers, dammit.

<3 you, mantie.

Megasus

@laurel Only if she was radioactive, or if you're a Republican, both of you were ovulating.

discombobulated

So, I'm on a beach vacation with my awesome boyfriend, and we got caught in a rip current and some violent surf, and basically we nearly drowned off the coast of Cape Hatteras today. Like, I think we actually would have drowned if I hadn't shrieked for help, and if we hadn't been surrounded by surfers who are in better shape than us. They paddled out on their surfboards and hauled us in and gave us fresh water.

The ocean has always been a source of joy and fun, and I never thought of drowning as something that could actually happen to me until today. I've been hospitalized for possibly-fatal mental health shit before, but today is the closest I've come to dying, I think, and it's hard to calm the flashbacks and panic in my mind. It's pretty raw right now.

Has anyone else gone through anything like this? How do you calm your mind down afterward? So far, I've had a combination of beer, cigarettes, and the internet, and it seems to be working okay.

Cat named Virtute

@discombobulated I have no advice to offer, but I'm so glad you're okay. Physical contact, moderate amounts of alcohol, and funny tv would be my choice of soothers. Take care. *hugs*

discombobulated

@Cat named Virtute Thanks! I've got plenty of physical contact and some alcohol, and I'm sure I can find something cheerful and funny on TV. I like your ideas a lot. :) I think it gets better with distance and time.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@discombobulated: fear of deep water is really common, even among people who haven't experienced something adverse like you did. I don't have any specific advice, other than at any time there's all sorts of things that could happen to you but don't, and life is fragile but we have to live it.

redheaded&crazy

@discombobulated oh my god scary! so glad you're okay. maybe go for a walk or something (my go-to suggestion for everything) may help to work away some of the anxiety - maybe with music or company so you're not fixating on it. i would also eat serious comfort food, the comfortiest of comfort food, whatever that is for you. to keep your energy up!

HeyThatsMyBike

So maybe I should refer this to A Lady or somebody, but wtf do I do when one of my friends is marrying an unapologetic racist? And not like - "I'm unaware of my white privilege so I say dumb things" style racist - like he has been regularly posting things referring to the President of the United States and his wife and young children as non-human primates on facebook. I seriously don't even want to repeat the stuff here, because it makes me physically ill, but you get the idea.
I mean, he treats he well enough and is an ok guy to hang out with (if you're white, I guess), but I KNOW that she is not an unapologetic racist because of the multicultural company she's always kept, and because I think in 15 or so years I might have noticed her being a complete bigot. I'm not obviously going to say anything to her or try to stop it or any of that nonsense because she makes her own decisions (I'm 30 - we just don't do that shit anymore at my age), but she's been one of my closest friends for half my life and I'm not about to cut her out because she's marrying a dick (and I think she's marrying him largely because she feels pressure to get married, not because she thinks he's the bee's knees).
So what the hell do I do to not feel seething hatred for the guy every time I see him? How do I go forward and reconcile that I will not want my future kids to hang out with any children that have been influenced by his way of thinking about other human being? I'm going to have to spend time with this guy now and then for the foreseeable future. What the fuck do I doooooooooooo?

Maryaed

@HeyThatsMyBike I would totally say something about that. No kidding. How can you not? Like "I'm sure he has lots of wonderful qualities but I am appalled at his racist comments and don't know how you can abide them."

theotherginger

@Maryaed yeah. grandparents, to me, are a different story. friend for half your life? I'd call it - just like you see it.

laurel

@HeyThatsMyBike: I'm sorry about the loss of a friendship, but ugh, kick her to the curb. She's willingly marrying a straight-up bigot. If she asks, tell her why.

Or, you could just wait until they divorce, which, given her reasons for marrying, sounds inevitable.

HeyThatsMyBike

@Maryaed Yeah, we've sort of discussed these kinds of behaviors before - she tends to yell at him about the facebook posts, but I mean, where does saying "your fiance is a fucking awful racist who thinks it is still 1863" leave our friendship?

HeyThatsMyBike

@laurel I basically have my fingers crossed for a divorce on this one. She's a wonderful person. Truly. But she has some self-esteem issues, and I think she thinks this is the best she can do. So it's coming more from a place of "well, he wants to marry me and nobody else will want to, so I guess I'm going to have to put up with things I hate," than a place of "It's totally cool that he's a mega-racist."

Judith Slutler

@HeyThatsMyBike OK, what? Um, how long has she been with this guy?

I'm having a difficult time understanding how this hasn't come up in conversation yet, if she keeps multicultural company, her friends (such as you) are friends with him on FB, etc. Does he just post this stuff online and then when he hangs out with you he never says anything racist? Does she just never bring him around her friends? Does she only ever bring him around her white friends? (hint: if that is her solution then she is hardly the non-racist you think she is)

I am just having a hard time wrapping my mind around this situation.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am so confused.

baked bean

@HeyThatsMyBike Ugh it sounds like there are so many more problems than just "he's racist." She's being pressured to marry him and is settling on him because he's the only one interested in her? That makes it even worse. Plus, remind her that she's going to have racist kids maybe?

laurel

@HeyThatsMyBike: I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but that doesn't sound like low self-esteem. It sounds like she thinks hard-core overt racism is less of a problem than being single, which just calls her character further into question for me.

HeyThatsMyBike

@Emmanuelle Cunt Confusion is totally understandable, because I am confused by some of it, too! We don't live in the same city, but I've met a number of her friends where she lives, but have never seen him with them (I guess I will at their wedding), so have no idea how he acts around her non-white friends - including her sister's boyfriend, but I know he has hung out with those friends. As for facebook, he only has like 40 friends, and I guess he's really careful about who he adds. I, apparently, made the cut.

He mostly justs posts this stuff online - like I knew he wasn't a particularly tolerant guy, but I assumed it was in a way that is typical of ignorant people who grow up around only white people. But I didn't know the extent of it until these posts started. They are truly insane. Like even being able to come up with the stuff that he's coming up with blows my mind.

HeyThatsMyBike

@laurel That's fair enough, and probably what I'd say, too, if I were responding to another 'pinner's post like this!

Judith Slutler

@HeyThatsMyBike OK, well, as far as the facebook thing I would just defriend him. You have to understand your "making the cut" for the veiled assumption / insult about you that it is - he thinks you are an acceptable audience for that crap and expects no pushback, or thinks you might agree with him. Why else would he show you that side of himself? It's that typical situation we white people sometimes find ourselves in, where someone leans in and makes a racist joke expecting us to be OK with it because hello we are white. He wants to make you a complicit audience to his deranged ranting. Shut that right down, even if you change nothing else.

If anyone asks you why, just say that you are tired of seeing racist things on facebook and decided to get rid of everyone on your friends list who was clogging up your feed with that bullshit.

As for your friendship, it actually doesn't sound like this is a situation where you HAVE to hang out with him if you were to decide you're determined not to hang out with him. You could invite her to your town to visit you, or go on trips with her, or only go to her town if you have another place to stay and the trip is to see more people than just her. Or talk to her on the phone, or send her emails. All good ways to stay in contact without dealing with this guy!

However if you take that route I think you'll have to tell her about it and pull out the whole, "I respect your choices, but I just don't get along with your husband and I was shocked to see the kind of bigoted things he says online, I hope we can remain friends but let's leave him out of this" routine.

You may lose the friendship, but she sounds aware that he is not everyone's cup of tea, so if you want to preserve things without losing your sanity that is the route I'd go.

Caveat: I am a hardass killjoy about bigotry

HeyThatsMyBike

Also important to note that I just hate this whole situation - with or without her continuing to be in my life, she's planning to marry this guy in a couple months, and it makes me immensely sad. Never had to deal with a situation like this and I'm just kind of at a loss.

PistolPackinMama

@HeyThatsMyBike Say something. Just do it. She is a grownup and responsible for herself. If she's okay with marrying someone who would say things that an HR department would fire you for or a campus would nail you for chalking on campus property, then it's going to cause her a world of hurt at some point. Might as well make it clear before she walks down the aisle rather wait till after. Because you KNOW someday he will say something around/to you that you can't let slide.

VelourFog

@HeyThatsMyBike Did you read the thread where someone objected to the wedding and the friend got really upset? I almost wonder if it is worth you saying anything to your friend about her racist fiance. You don't live in the same town and it sounds like you don't hang out with them that often. As others have said, it seem like she's feeling pressure to marry him/anyone. And if you think it's going to result in a divorce and you'd like to be her friend in some capacity then I would not say anything unless confronted re: a specific incident. Like, if he says something racist to you or in front of you, then call him on it. Otherwise it is likely that she will get pissed at you and the friendship would be over. I'd go ahead and block him on Facebook immediately though.

Also this is not an excuse, but I've known a lot of people who act completely terrible online and then really different in person. It doesn't necessarily mean they are awesome people to hang with, but the safety of the Internet makes a lot of people act or say things they would normally keep under control in polite society.

HeyThatsMyBike

@CarlyM Yes, I think the internet and the election is exacerbating it. The comments have only been made in the direction of the Obama family. But, hello! There are your true colors. I also think his borderline drinking problem contributes, as the worst comments all come late at night, and dude drinks every night (he is a winner in so many ways!)

@Emmanuelle Cunt @PPM and @everyone else - thanks for the advice. Truly. I'm not opposed to the harshness or tough love (duh, wouldn't have posted this here if I was)! And I will definitely defriend him on facebook - I hadn't thus far because it was kind of like I felt somebody had to witness to the garbage he was writing. But Emmanuelle, you're right about just reading it being a sign of complacency, and I'm not ok with that. And I'm happy to tell my friend or her dude why if she/he happens to notice.

Anyway - there's obviously not an easy way out here. I'm terrified of being the instigator of conflict in general, but I think you all have very good points. I'm also going to talk to our mutual friend who is fairly comfortable with uncomfortable conversations and get her take (she is not friends with him on fb so will not has seen any of this stuff, but I know she already has other qualms with him). Good news is that my friend and I tend to mostly talk on the phone and hang out during girl's weekends in the group of 5 of us girls from hs who are still really close, so if I want my interactions with him to be limited to weddings and christenings, that won't be hard to do.

Again, thanks, ladies! This is something I've been struggling with, and I have come to love all of the thoughtful perspectives a plea on open thread can bring you!

HeyThatsMyBike

@baked bean oh, and the potentially racist kids thing kills me more than anything else. :'(

Maryaed

@HeyThatsMyBike I would say there is a world of difference between telling someone you just don't like their choice (not a nice guy, too old/young/boring/bourgeois, etc.) and that you think their choice is really an irrational and damaging one, and if you are her true friend I think you get one time of trying "I hope this won't lose me your friendship and I can be silent about it ever after, but I think you're making a terrible mistake." Particularly if she actually said the "best I can do" bit instead of just implying it.

christonacracker

Oh no, I'm late, and I had a question for you all! I'm trying to remember what love is in the beginning stages. My last relationship spanned many years and stages, and it was that sort of love that was unconditional and patient, and results in being taken advantage of/taken for granted. So now I have this new thing! NEwish! And I feel love sensations, but it is so strange to me to call it love without these years of history behind it! When is it love when you are still getting to know someone? Should I call it that?

theotherginger

@christonacracker that is the best feeling and I want it again. I have called it too soon in the past, so, in the future I will take it slower but you do what works for you, friend!

baked bean

@christonacracker I feel like, for me, anyway, that feeling that seems like love might be just excitement and butterflies and cool feelings because it's new.
Take it slow?
But also, nothing follows rules in real life, so man, whatever you feel is real!

null

If it feels like love in the pit of your stomach, it probably is.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@christonacracker

i wanna know what love is

i want you to show me

Cat named Virtute

@christonacracker I will get back to you on this in the coming weeks in months because I think I am falling in love and it's weird and sooooooo amazing. It's the first time I maybe love someone who maybe loves me back. I feel like there's this light inside me that shines out my mouth and my eyes and it's like the adrenaline of a crush, but with comfort and reciprocity and so much less doubt because it's no longer just about her in relation to me but her and me as two full people who care about one another. Also kissing her makes everything in my anxious depressed horribly self-critical brain go finally and blissfully quiet. So, I dunno. If it keeps going for another month or two, I think I can call it love.

christonacracker

@ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS only if you slow dance with me at the roller rink, because that is where this [song] belongs.

christonacracker

@Cat named Virtute squeeee! squees for both of us.

Cat named Virtute

@christonacracker Squee indeed, friend! Squee indeed.

KeLynn

@christonacracker - I can't answer that question, but I can say I know a lot of people (myself included) who regretted calling it love too early, and few who regretted waiting.

baked bean

@Reginal T. Squirge Hahah so when my bf and I were first together I was throwing up often because my birth control was making me sick. He didn't run. So I say WISDOM.

Reginal T. Squirge

Wayne Campbell drops GEMS.

Bittersweet

@baked bean About six weeks into my last relationship, my bf and I went to the Winter Formal and I lost track of my drinking and ended up yuking in my dorm bathroom. My bf was holding back my hair while I barfed, and in between heaves I'd say, "Don't leeeaaavve me!!!!" "Do you still loooovvve meeee?!?"

20+ years later, we're still together and he still teases me about it.

baked bean

@Bittersweet Aww yeah. I had the same sort of thing. A couple months in I got a little out of it and puked a lot (in the living room, in front of all of his friends :\). He cleaned up and put me in bed and left a bowl by the bed if I got sick again... and I missed the bowl. And he didn't leave me! And I was like, "OH SHIT HE'S GONNA LEAVE ME HE SAW ME PUKE AND HAD TO CLEAN IT UP!" Yay puke love stories!

theotherginger

@Bittersweet that is the most adorable story ever.

Bittersweet

@baked bean Puke Love Stories would be an awesome Hairpin post...

angelinha

I started a new job a month ago and recently an even newer person started and he is ADORABLE and I am in love with him. It's probably not a good idea to pursue him, right? He's such a dreamboat!

baked bean

@angelinha What kind of work is it? Like, a temporary thing or a long-term thing? I feel like that could make a difference if you're worried about awkwardness ensuing. Or, you know, whether or not you have to actually *work* with him, or you just work in the same place.

angelinha

@baked bean Long-term-ish...9 to 5 office job. We don't work for the same program but share an office space.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@angelinha: Super not good idea.

living internationally

@angelinha ME TOO! But no, it is absolutely not a good idea.

catspajamas

I am terrified that after five years I don't want the career I've worked so hard to get. Not to mention that I am not really that far along in said career; Not to mention that there's an economic downturn and I am a contract worker and should be happy to have a gig that pays well. Yeesh, I think I just needed to get that outside of myself. Maybe I should become a fortuneteller, because I see some wine in my future.

EpWs

@catspajamas I know those feels, friend. Have a drink and all the good vibes I can send from here.

billie_crusoe

@catspajamas I know those feels, too. (Quit med school 2 years in, after working for it for... forever.) Give it a while before you make a firm decision - I waited maybe 6 months after I started feeling like I didn't want to do it. Sometimes I regret quitting when money gets tight, but it was the right decision.

VelourFog

@catspajamas on the plus side, if you aren't that far into the actual career then it's less years wasted in a job you don't like, right? And you'll never have more time that you have right now. People change careers all the time. Do you have something else in mind? Can you try doing that part time, on the side, volunteer, etc for a while to make sure you would really like that type of job?

catspajamas

@catspajamas Thanks guys! I am going to take a little time this weekend to think about how I can turn these lemons into a lemon meringue pie. I work as a Litigation Paralegal but, I am an art school drop out with a gift for tech wrangling. I think I am going to investigate trial presentation. Today I was feeling too old to start over doing something else. My mom reminded me I was going to be old whether I started doing something else or not. She meant that in a good way.

billie_crusoe

I think my eyes are going to start bleeding from florescent lights and computer screens. Not really, but they do make me super tired and headachy. I've successfully eliminated most florescents from my life, but how do you ladies who stare at computer screens all day deal with that? I am much better at getting things done if I sit down for 5 hours and bust it out, but then my brain starts going numb. Can you change your display settings to make it better? (I have a MacBook at home, a PC desktop in one office, and a PC laptop in the other) Get some kind of screen cover thing?

On that note, I finished my report* and am turning the computer off for at least an hour.

*My advisor gave me data 2 days ago for a report she needed by tomorrow. I worked on it yesterday for 4 hours and then lost my USB drive before I got home. Blargh.

JadedStone

@billie_crusoe My glasses have a special glaze on it for computer screens. It helps quite a bit really.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@billie_crusoe: If your environment is dark, I'm a big fan of bias lighting - lighting the wall behind the monitor.

http://arstechnica.com/gadgets/2011/08/bias-lighting/

billie_crusoe

@JadedStone Is it different from regular anti-glare? I have one pair with anti-glare and one without, and I should definitely wear the anti-glare ones more when I'm on the computer.

@ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS Cool, I'll try that! My office is dim without the overhead lights on, so that could help.

()
()

@billie_crusoe

Adjust the screen brightness settings (make it darker) and make sure TrueType is enabled.

OxfordComma

@billie_crusoe : Oh, I feel your pain!

If you can't pop out the bulbs directly above your desk (a lot of jobs frown upon this--I cannot understand why), try to take small breaks every two hours or so.

Just closing your eyes or looking away from the monitor helps.

billie_crusoe

@() I try to keep it not-too-bright, but I'll also try the TrueType. Thanks!

@OxfordComma I just don't use the overhead lights at all and use the lamps since I don't have to share my office (and if I have to share next year I will fight to the death to keep my lamps). And my other office has windows. Classrooms are rough though. And overhead projectors, ugh.

Apocalypstick

@billie_crusoe You could try Flux (http://stereopsis.com/flux/)!

Shayna

@Apocalypstick Seconded. Flux saves my late study nights. Much less eye pain.

Plant Fire

I have an interview on Tuesday!! I've interviewed there before, for the same position in a different department but it was filled by an internal candidate. Keeping my fingers crossed that the second time around works out!

VelourFog

@Sea Ermine Good luck! Job hunting is the worst. This must be a good sign that they called you in for a second position.

olivebee

@Sea Ermine Good luck! Hoping for the best for you!

Quinn A@twitter

My girlfriend officially moved in yesterday! IT IS THE BEST THING EVER.

Cat named Virtute

@Quinn A@twitter Yay!! I feel like we get a lot of bad moving in together stories on the 'Pin (which makes sense, we like to vent and seek advice), so it's sooooo good to hear that your girlfriend moving in is awesome! Congrats!

sherbet

@Quinn A@twitter YAAAYY! I am so happy for you! (I just moved in with my boyfriend! It's awesome!!)

Quinn A@twitter

@sherbet Congratulations!

Quinn A@twitter

@Cat named Virtute It's fantastic. Although she DID whisper "murrrrderrrr" in her sleep the night before she moved in. Freaked me right the fuck out. *grins*

Cat named Virtute

@Quinn A@twitter Is it terrible that that would probably make me like someone more? But I am also a creepy little shit, so. *grins back*

olivebee

@Quinn A@twitter Ha! My husband and I started dating in high school, and so he found out right away that I say insane shit in my sleep because I would always fall asleep while we watched movies together. Now, 6 years later, he keeps his phone next to the bed to record me when I say really funny or crazy stuff in my sleep.

Anyways, congrats on the move-in! I'm glad you have happy things happening after that awful stuff with your misogynist (and potential murderer) co-worker.

Quinn A@twitter

@olivebee Thank you! :D

I think my supervisor and his quietly arranged to have him not work on my shifts anymore. I should have had to work with him a couple of times, but he wasn't there when I got into work. That was a huge relief.

sweetclementine

@Quinn A@twitter Congratulations! I just moved in with my bf and it is amazing.

JadedStone

I just rewatched HAPPY FEET 2 and forgot how good it was. Dear god I cry like a child at the end.

I'm really, truly in love with my Ladyfriend and I want to shout it from every rooftop EVER.

"I'M IN LOVE! LOOOOOVE!"

Cat named Virtute

@S. Elizabeth YOU'RE IN LOVE! :-D

baked bean

@S. Elizabeth I love all the positive in-love posts today!

@baked bean Ladyfriend makes me think "it doesn't matter whether or not I make a ton of money as a lawyer, whether or not I'm a fancypants attorney or a simple country lawyer. I am so content to just be boring and dull and quiet with her," but at the same time, she is so talented and wonderful that she makes me want to be the most kickass, strong, BAMF-est person on the planet. If she proposed tomorrow, I would put that ring on my finger and never ever take it off.

baked bean

@S. Elizabeth :D

Reginal T. Squirge

@S. Elizabeth

I really like that second thing you said.

OxfordComma

It's...it's been a pretty shitty couple of weeks, 'Pinners.

I lost my job at the end of August, and now I'm dealing with roommate drama because I won't be able to stay in my apartment through December, as we originally planned.

She's being a dick, and I want to throw sharp knives at her head, because hey! Guess what?

I'm UNEMPLOYED, again, AND I'm trying to still plan a wedding in five months, which is really throwing a wrench in the financial works, you know?

Can I hire someone to spit on her car for me?

Lit Drunkard

@OxfordComma I will happy spit on her car. hell, i might even pee on it. But that's only if I get reallllly drunk first. Otherwise, my fear of peeing in front of other people/in public will take over and I will resort to spitting on it. Can you get the car to the Denver area?

Seriously though, I'm sorry. They kind of suck but when I've been unemployed I've worked for ChaCha and such to at least feel like I'm bringing in small amounts of money. And retail- if you can bear the soul-crushing, it's usually good for a quick fix.

OxfordComma

@Lit Drunkard : I actually wondered if I could get away with pissing on her bed and having it blamed on her fucking tiny terror of a dog.

billie_crusoe

@OxfordComma Unemployment is one of the worst things I've ever been through (6 months, and then 5 months in retail). I hope you find something soon :( I would spit on her car for you.

baked bean

@OxfordComma Eww roommates' awful pets are the worst!

OxfordComma

@baked bean : The Jerk Roommate feeds her tiny dog this godawful wet dogfood that smells like ass, brushfire, and dead rodents. And of course, the dog's food bowl is right next to the shared vent between our rooms...

OxfordComma

@billie_crusoe : The worst part?

I was only at that job for a year after being unemployed for two!

ARGH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING AGAAAAAIN!!!!

baked bean

@OxfordComma Gross. I had a roommate who had a cat. My family never had indoor pets, but I thought, "Ok, cat, those are calm and quiet right? No big." But no. This was the most annoying, most hyper, obnoxious, disobedient, wild, mean, uncaring cat ever. And she wouldn't let him go outside, so I couldn't just like... put him out there when he was being mean to me/annoying/etc.

Oh, and also, she considered him her "child" and that she was his "momma" and told a woman whose baby died that she understood what it was like to be a parent because she had a cat :|

HeyThatsMyBike

@OxfordComma I would spit on her car for you for free.

billie_crusoe

@OxfordComma Nooooo :( My un(der)employment only ended because I went back to grad school, so I anticipate being unemployed again in 4 years. I can't even think about it. I have so much empathy.

HeyThatsMyBike

@baked bean Eeeek to your last sentence! CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE!

baked bean

@HeyThatsMyBike I know. I lost all respect for her at that point.

@OxfordComma I totally condone you peeing on her bed and blaming it on the dog.

olivebee

@OxfordComma Ahh I'm so sorry about the unemployment while planning a wedding (and the unsympathetic roommate). I didn't have a full-time job for much of my wedding planning, either. I ended up working 4 part-time jobs, and while it was insanely stressful, it paid my rent and groceries and wedding stuff until I landed my current job. May I recommend babysitting, if you like kids? I still do it 3 nights a week even though I work full-time because the money IS SO GOOD.

TheDragon

@OxfordComma I will throw up on her car. I've done it twice when drunk. Apparently I have enough sense even when I drink myself sick, to know to go be sick on someone truly awful's car.
So. where is this car?

OxfordComma

@TheDragon : You are awesome. :)

Porn Peddler

I have to make dinner and work on this shit i brought home from the porn palace but merrrrrrrrrrrrr I wanna write.

adorable-eggplant

@Porn Peddler Get a tape recorder and do some dictating. So computers have programs that will transcribe for you (and then you've got to go back and correct spelling and punctuation and stuff, but then at least you still get to take advantage of getting down ideas while you feel inspired).

JaneDoe

My new helix piercings hurt a lot less, Yay! I can actually sleep! School(also yay), but meany counselor(booo). I'm a part of an at home program and they provide no math or science courses(which is just...like wuh? I can't be the only person who needs to do a math class who is chronically ill).
And, lipstick yay!I just received 6 of them!...So given all the exclamation points and 'yay's in my comment I'm doing alright.

Fiddle dee dee

So I learned on Pop-Up Video that Ben Folds has been married 4 times.

Is it wrong that this generates some ambivalent, confusing feelings about Ben Folds for me?

I mean, I really really love "It's Too Late".

But I don't know how to feel about "The Luckiest" anymore.

Fiddle dee dee

By "It's Too Late", I mean "Late".

WhiskeySour

@Fiddle dee dee Wait, is Pop-Up Video back?! I was addicted to that show when I was a kid. I know way too many "fun facts" about 80's and 90's pop music from that show.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@Fiddle dee dee I don't know if this makes it better or worse but... I saw him live a couple of years ago, and he explained that he was commissioned to write The Luckiest for the end of a movie where a nerdy couple was making out as a camera circled them, and every note was written to sync up with the camera's turns and couple's movements. He said he slaved over the song to get it just right, but then the scene was completely cut. He still got paid, though.

Fiddle dee dee

@Whiskey Sour Oh yes, it is back! With the same theme song, too. And variable quality- some of the videos are a little bit obscure. Today I saw a Pop-up of the first episode of Jersey Shore. I don't normally enjoy that show, but with pop-ups of what producers were thinking at the time, it was fun indeed.

@TheclaAndTheSeals That helps a lot, thank you! Now I know not to take it so personally.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@Fiddle dee dee If you ever have a chance to see him live, I'd highly recommend it. One of the best concerts I've ever been to. He's just a really great entertainer and lots of fun.

frigwiggin

@Fiddle dee dee

I have historically felt a little weird about Ben Folds' many marriages, but at the same time, it happens! And I love his music and he doesn't otherwise seem terrible, so I just try to let it go. I don't really like "The Luckiest" anyway, and that story makes a lot of sense. It's so sappy! "Hiroshima" made me fall a little in love with him, though. And he is so, so good live.

little sausage

I want to thank the 'Pinners who have shared their OKC experiences--it gave me the courage to go ahead and try it! In the end, no, didn't meet anyone, but that's mostly because I realized that I still don't actually want to be in a relationship. I still feel better for trying, and I wouldn't have had the guts to do it without reading what people here have said.

I'd also like to belatedly flip off my friend who laughed her ass off when I mentioned offhand that I had made a profile there. I hadn't told her for months because I was still a little embarrassed, and she's constantly making fun of anything and anyone on there. wtf.

Anyway, yeah. It was a good experience. Thanks.

adorable-eggplant

@little sausage Yay! I'm an OKC alumna and it's full of lessons for anyone who is open to learning and has some guts. I learned really fast that I needed to be better about enforcing my boundaries (which started a whole series of introspection about why I had difficulty being assertive about my preferences) and I came out better at saying what I want and not giving a damn what other people think.

It feels like I should've earned a girl scout badge for that. :)

PistolPackinMama

@adorable-eggplant Ah. Have I told you my plan to start the BAMF Scouts? With appropriate merit badges? I think Asserting and Enforcing Boundaries is a good one. (The first badge I invented was the Canoe 11 Miles Into Stiff Headwind. Other Ideas Accepted.)

adorable-eggplant

@PistolPackinMama Ooo! Concocting totally edible meals from hodgepodge in the pantry while waiting for payday. Those are always pat myself on the back moments for me. Canoeing though, that's pretty badass. :)

PistolPackinMama

@adorable-eggplant The boundaries one will have Hadrian's Wall on it.

Pantry Gourmet is a very good skill. I bet you'd have to, like, make a meal for x-many BAMF Scouts to show your expertise off. Give some examples!

Queen of Pickles

@PistolPackinMama I am such a fan of the BAMF Scouts! That's been my project over the last few years!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Where is the writers' support/kick ourselves in the ass and get things done group?

Last Friday I got INSPIRED. I haven't written any scripts lately but I got an idea for a short, and I think it'll be good! It's been so long since I got a script idea that begged to be written. Now, to actually write the damn thing...

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Unrelated: My Twitter crush is apparently in my city right now (he lives on the opposite coast so this is a rarity) and I was not made aware of this. I'm somewhat sadfaced by this.

geek_tragedy

@Rookie

And can we do one for grad students, too? Grad students (and by that I mean me) are the WORST.

geek_tragedy

@geek_tragedy Seriously I am week behind a deadline and my committee memeber/RAship supervisor is not happy. I don't blame her. I am the WORST truly.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@geek_tragedy Most definitely!! I'm not a grad student (and after spending a Saturday night with law students and a recent PhD graduate, I'm quite glad about that) but I know that you'd have some awesome 'pinner support.

baked bean

OH I had a huge moment of courage and spoke my mind to a sexist (potentially racist and homophobic) dude in one of my classes this week. He was arguing that he understood why Chinese prefer boys, because he has 3 daughters, but his son is super special to him because he carries on the family name and that's just a really important legacy.

I don't think I changed his mind or anything, but hopefully I at least let him how that fuck you, don't expect those kind of opinions to not strike feelings in women/people in general, and your daughters can fucking tell you don't value them as much even though you do still love them.
I always think of things I should have said after the fact, so if I could have added one thing. Sometimes it's easier to see if you're sexist if you replace "female" with "black person." Like, "I love my three black sons but man, my white son is just really special to me because he's white."

olivebee

@baked bean Good for you! I love your point at the end. I still find myself being too timid to tell off bigots, and I know it doesn't help the women's/gay/etc. movements at all by being silent, so then I just hate myself for it. I wish 'feminist' didn't have such a negative connotation in our society.

Also, his poor daughters.:(

baked bean

@olivebee Dude, I don't even give a fuck. Lately I kind of think you're either a feminist or a sexist. Like, the basic definition of feminist is wanting equal rights for women, so if you don't want that, you're a sexist. I need clarification that this makes sense before I start telling people that don't consider themselves feminists though.

baked bean

@baked bean Might I add that I understand why many Chinese still prefer boys, but I do not sympathize like the sexist man does. Like, it's from tradition, a long-standing thing, culture and shit, and it's not ours as white people in America to change, but yeah, I think it's wrong, but dude's still sexist.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@baked bean Good God, his poor daughters. I'm glad you spoke up.

Inkling

@baked bean
Ooh, I do the "replace 'woman' with 'black person'" thing as well! Good for you for sticking up for women. I originally typed "sticking up for me", maybe because I'm tired, or FULL OF MEANING TODAY.

living internationally

@olivebee @Inkling I do the replace with black person thing too - but instead of woman it's usually in place of Irish. There is a scary amount of latent racism against Irish people in the UK.

miss buenos aires

@baked bean Also the bizarreness of assuming, in this day and age, that the son carries on the family name exclusively... What happens when his daughter gives her kid her last name (as happens) and the son decides not to have kids, as also happens? It's just such a stupid smokescreen-y excuse for inherently valuing women less.

baked bean

@miss buenos aires Exactly. My grandpa really wanted my parents to have a son to "carry on the family name" because he was an only child and my dad was the only son (has a sister). So there weren't that many people with our last name. Weird logic. But yeah, my dad always told the story like it was gpa putting the pressure on, and was disappointed when I, the first child, was a girl. The cousins tell me my dad was mad I was a girl, which shocked me, but apparently my dad used to be more of an asshole back then (which seems to have been pressure from his father, who passed away when I was young).

Anyway, lately I've been like "Fuck him, if I'm getting married I'm keeping my name so his logic was all wrong in the first place!" But then I also 98% don't want kids so I won't pass on the name either.

My only sibling, brother also doesn't really want kids. We are both young and not even considering marriage but parents are already talking about us getting married and having kids in a few years and how they're going to turn our old rooms into guest rooms for all our kids to come over :\

dale

Well! A smidgen poorer, but I will soon be in possession of the blu-ray/dvd/UV + a bazillion extras + a bunch of little goodies in drawers Harry Potter box set! I don't know where I'm going to store it, mind you...

redheaded&crazy

@dale exciting! The blu-ray versions are soooo much better because they're such dark movies (I won't be getting the fancy box set since uh, i already have the blu-ray)

i feel that today is going to be a harry potter watching day

redheaded&crazy

@dale ooh i just realized you are referring to the COMPLETE box set, i thought you meant just the last two movies for some reason. such as lacking reading comprehension!

... now i want the box set too haha. maybe for christmas!?

dale

@redheaded&crazie Yup - the WHOLE thing. ZOMG. I'm so excited. I stopped buying the DVDs after the 5th movie because that's when they started shorting us on the extras (putting them all on the blu-ray instead).

Don't wait too long, the fancy-schmancy one is limited stock (only 63,000 of them?).

TheDragon

There is a desert rain storm raging outside. I freaking love it.

TheclaAndTheSeals

Ladies (and gents), I'm running out of internet. What sites do you regularly read?

dale

@TheclaAndTheSeals Hm. Besides this one: Ta-Nehisi Coates at the Atlantic; tor.com; John Scalzi's Whatever; theonering.net; Feministe; rickmercer.com (though it's only really updated when the show is on); Racialicious; Stephen Fry's blog (though he doesn't do quite as many updates as he used to); Wil Wheaton's blog; rabble.ca (when I have some inner strength to read about politics). I know there are others, but brain cells aren't cooperating at this point in the evening.

withatwist

Just posting since I skipped off work early to meet a friend which turned into dinner and drinks.
There's an eShakti dress I love (http://www.eshakti.com/Product/CL0023977/Bird-paradise-print-dress) but I've never ordered from there before. Any advice? Ladies who are short or tall did they adjust the waist according to your height? If I could specify torso length or distance from bust to waist I would be more confident ordering. I have a hard time finding structured dresses where the waist hits at my waist instead of my rib cage.

Megasus

@withatwist They did not adjust the waist but they do adjust the length. I don't they did even when I custom sized.
Also if you are in Canada you will pay up the butt in duties (it hasn't really stopped me though).

professionalmess

@withatwist I haven't custom sized, but they did not adjust the waist on the structure shirt I bought.

StandardTuber

How much does a woman have to exercise before her menstrual cramps actually stop?!?! Must I run everyday of my life to get them to subside; hold weights while doing inverted sit-ups; perform lunging push-ups before brushing my teeth at night?

I'd just like to know ahead of time so that I can get my head mentally prepared. Or should I just use a cup, and cross my fingers?

@Mabissa Wait, what? What are you doing?

Let's get this straight. Menstrual cramps are usually muscle spasms -- your body is doing its best to push your uterine lining out of your body. That takes some effort. It's muscle!

When your back is spasming, do you do squats to make it go away? No.
When your leg has a charlie horse, do you do bicep curls to make it go away? No.
When you wake up with weird neck pains, do you decide that a 5K is going to make it better? No.

What does help is popping an Aleve, drinking lots of water, taking it easy, and seeing your doctor if the pain is really bad.

Maryaed

@Mabissa The exercise thing is a lie, in my experience. Sorry.

EpWs

@Mabissa If I may be way too totally TMI, if you need a temporary quick fix, orgasms work great.

StandardTuber

@S. Elizabeth I was thinking it was more of a preventative measure, as opposed to acute relief measures. Isn't there some relationship between exercise and hormones? I know about endorphins, but what I guess I would want would be prostaglandins.

StandardTuber

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Maybe I should market period-only vibrators, right?

StandardTuber

@Maryaed See?! I am confused. I have a relative who is an absolute gym rat who got rid of her debilitating cramps that way, so maybe it's a predisposition - like either you have the kind of uterus that reacts to exercise or you don't.

PistolPackinMama

@Mabissa I find some exercise that loosens up the muscles and gets the endorphins going really helps. So weights and a run and stretching, maybe.

Usually I find the thing exercise also does is help my mood, which makes cramps not feel so bad.

adorable-eggplant

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Seconded.

And for me the best during-the-pain exercises are the ones that produce a little heat, so I'll do some yoga geared toward easing down on the cramping and then cuddle with my rice bag (which is a cloth bag I filled with uncooked rice that I pop in the microwave when I need a heating pad) in a restorative pose. As with other types of spasms, you want to lean towards R.I.C.E. (minus the ice, since you don't have to worry about swelling). Supported bridge is great for elevation, for instance.

Lower back pain is one of my big pre-period indicators and it used to be pretty debilitating, but I did a lot of yoga that emphasized better posture and core strength and all that jazz that I'd totally ignored, and it mostly disappeared. Although I totally just knocked on wood in case it decided to come roaring back on account of that display of hubris. :)

lemonadefish

@Mabissa

For me, it's not exactly exercising that makes them go away, but having my lower back in order - muscles loose, spine properly aligned. Walking and yoga can help with this, but no amount of pushups will have any influence (do them anyway! your arms will look great!). And yes, it's more of an all-the-time-maintenance sort of thing, rather than a cure - once the cramps set in, Aleve and chocolate are the only cures.

(Also, I hesitate to even say it, but as much as I love my cup, it makes cramps worse - just a bit, and it's usually worth it... I think it's the slight suction on my cervix? Anyway, YMMV and all that, but I wouldn't count on a cure from switching to a cup...)

raised amongst catalogs

@S. Elizabeth Yep. Aleve. I take it as a pre-emptive strike for about three to four days prior and it seems to help a lot. I then continue to take it for the first two to three days. My stomach may begin bleeding from all of the Aleve but at least I don't have horrible cramps. Also: my horrible cramps were due to estrogen dominance and I now take progesterone and things are much better -- sometimes I don't even need the Week of Aleve.

StandardTuber

Thanks everyone for your tips, I appreciate it!

Megasus

@Mabissa Hmmm...I doubt that. The only thing that has done it for me is taking hormonal BC. Even now that I haven't been taking them most of this year I only get really bad ones every few months as opposed to every, single time.
Well, MAYBE it's possible if she got her body weight down so low that she barely has a period. But that's really the only way.

Shayna

@Mabissa Going on all fours during particularly bad cramps can help alleviate them for a while. It's not helpful if you're trying to get anything done, but if you're cramps are debilitating enough for you to be in bed, it's useful. Your uterus hangs down, I think, so it spasm less. Or something like that. Gravity ends up your friend.

Toby Jug

I'm leaving most of The Things behind to go to New Zealand and work on a farm around the 19th. I, living in a swing state, must vote Obama, even though the scary drone strikes make me twitchy. That's all.

Moral ambiguity! Harder than moral certainty.

She was a retail whore

Pittsburghers! Or people who are familiar with Pittsburgh!! I shall be in the Steel City on Saturday and Sunday to take in some Pirates games, and I was wondering what else I should do while I'm there. I'm staying downtown, and while I won't be driving, I'm not opposed to public transport or taxis. Halp please!

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@She was a retail whore
I lived in Bloomfield for a summer and still enjoy traipsing around there when I get back. Along Liberty there's a cute Italian deli and cafes where you can sit outside. People's Indian is just a few blocks away and is just one of many good Indian places around town. Just a few ideas!

She was a retail whore

@josiahg Thank you! The weather report is dismal, but am still excited to go!

Chrestomanci

Can anyone recommend a good curl-enhancing product? I have naturally wavy but sometimes curly hair cut into a bob which looks awesome when curly but a bit flat when not. I am looking for something I can just scrunch through because I am way too lazy to blow dry (I don't even own a hairdryer).

MoxyCrimeFighter

@Chrestomanci I've found that argan oil works well on my hair, which is thick in overall amount but fairly fine, wavy but not terribly inclined to curl with intervention. I usually towel dry my hair so it doesn't drip on my shirt but is still wet all the way through, brush it out, then rub some oil between my hands and sort of shake my hands through my hair, scrunching as I go. If I need some extra volume and I don't feel like pulling out my dryer, I'll flip my head upside down, spritz some hairspray on my fingers, and squiggle them through my roots. Other than that...I've yet to find a spray, gel, cream, lotion, or potion that will make my hair curly without being crunchy.

ALSO, I love your handle! I just found all my Diana Wynne Jones books so I'm in a re-read stage, and I'm starting to remember what it is that attracted me to vague, well-dressed men from a relatively young age.

lemonadefish

@Chrestomanci

I like Frizz-Ease curl products - when my thick, coarse, wavy hair was bob-length, I'd use the shampoo and conditioner, and scrunch the serum (I think) sometimes for extra curliness. It totally worked! Non-crunchy.

anachronistique

@Chrestomanci I have very fine and slightly wavy hair, and Aveda's Phomollient worked really well - just take a blob and scrunch it into the bottom. It doesn't dry super-sticky. Also it makes your head smell like a Ricola.

Chrestomanci

@MoxyCrimeFighter Argan oil! I have some that my ex's mum brought me back from Morocco, but have been using it on my skin only... will try it in my hair.

And I recently found two unread (by me I mean) Diana Wynne Jones books in a second hand bookstore. I think I'll have to embark on a re-reading stage once I've read those two

fuck fuck fuck

soooo my boyfriend broke up with me last week. i am doing FANTASTICALLY well, and tonight i hooked up with a guy two years younger than me IN A FIELD FOR LIKE 2 HOURS. it was so fun. i am so happy right now. i feel like i won this breakup. also this guy was CUTE YES.

fuck fuck fuck

@i'm a self-rolled man rereading this it does not necessarily sound like i'm actually doing okay, more like i went crazy. but i'm still happy now that i'm less drunk!

theotherginger

@i'm a self-rolled man hahahaha. Congrats in either case.

raised amongst catalogs

@i'm a self-rolled man Hey-oh! Glad you're enjoying yourself (and others).

Queen of Pickles

@i'm a self-rolled man
I think you're doing great! Crazy is inevitable no matter what, just depends on how you channel it. Crazy in the "making out in a field" sense is the best possible outcome.

wee_ramekin

@i'm a self-rolled man I can only hope that Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are handling their break-up as well as you're handling yours! That sounds awesome. *Field makeouts*...sigh....

Judith Slutler

wow I really need my flatmate to stop asking me what I did today / yesterday in front of tons of people because guess what sometimes the answer is "went to therapy, spent rest of day in bed" and there is just no good way to deal with that answer!!!

I know she is trying to be nice but ugh it just feels like she is rubbing my lack of productivity / depression struggles in my face

living internationally

@Emmanuelle Cunt MAKE THINGS UP

For real, everyone loves a fantasist!

Cat named Virtute

@Emmanuelle Cunt Oh, ugh. Maybe deviate slightly to talk about what you're reading? That's what I usually do. Hugs to you.

Poubelle

@Emmanuelle Cunt Just say you ran some errands. Nobody particularly cares for details about waiting in line at bank or dropping off the dry cleaning.

adorable-eggplant

@Emmanuelle Cunt Or just say, it was my day off, so I spent it re-charging. Then read Bertrand Russell's 'In Praise of Idleness' and then ask her why she/he feels one needs to 'do' something to be productive.

theotherginger

@Emmanuelle Cunt do as adorable-eggplant says. also, the hairpin is a legit pastime. But how to explain it to others?

wee_ramekin

@Emmanuelle Cunt Aww, that sucks. I think it's totally cool to say you were re-charging, as precious aubergine says above.

Also, when you said "I know she is trying to be nice but ugh it just feels like she is rubbing my lack of productivity / depression struggles in my face", do you think that true, or do you think that might be the depression talking? If it's true, then we've got to come up with some stuff for you to say to her, because that's not cool!

Judith Slutler

@wee_ramekin nah I really think she just is trying to make conversation, and I feel horrible for being all "grr hostility" inside when she asks me stuff about my day.

I think maybe she is just having some trouble with boundaries of things I would tell her alone vs. things I am willing to talk about in front of people, because I am super open with the people I live with re: the whole depression thing (how could I not be when the past 6 months have been devoted to trying to get myself back on my feet, adjusting my dumb meds, and kind of nothing but that?)

However now that you bring it up, idk. I remember us having some conversation about how we were surprised this caterpillar the 4 of us who live together brought home and were raising in a jar was so lazy all day, and I was kind of like "ha ha like me!"... and lo and behold the one girl I'm talking about could not stop laughing. Like I said, I don't know!!! I think it's mostly just my brain being all "ugh stop asking me about my day you do not want to hear about it" but maybe there is actually some judgement or smugness going on there, I really couldn't tell you.

living internationally

@Emmanuelle Cunt Eesh, this mmakes my heart sore for you. Don't take this the wrong way but I feel like it may be that you are not happy with things and are reflecting your own judgement on to her. I think she's possibly a little insensitive too and you maybe should tell her that you feel uncomfortable sharing that stuff outside of your household.

The other thing I'm going to suggest - and I know this is easier said than done - but from my own experience with depression one thing that helps is to get busy. I finally join a choir (which I had wanted to for years) and started exercising in a structured way and that helped to give my days more shape.

Don't be so hard on yourself - it will get better!

Judith Slutler

@lessis'more That's what I'm saying, it is most likely my problem that I find this stuff irritating. Argh.

Yeah I have been working hard to add structure to my days, but it's tough because I tend to get into this cycle of doing nothing -> building up the energy to be productive -> making tons of plans, meeting up with lots of people and having some great days -> crashing and burning because I get fatigued way too easily still.

I joined a book club, am starting Couch to 5K, I keep a garden on the balcony, and I am trying to work on my perspective drawing skills... things have honestly improved a lot from the bad times I had this spring, and I am definitely going to go back to classes when they start in late October.

But the fact that I sometimes am still just paralyzed by a lack of energy is so, so annoying to me!

living internationally

@Emmanuelle Cunt Sing it sister ... but it sounds like you are doing really well then! Why not say all of that stuff the next time she asks what you've been doing? You may not have done it that day but you have or will be doing it - think of all the positive things as opposed to the that get you down. Also remember that it is completely acceptable to say that you were really tired and had a lazy day - I do, my friends do, my housemates do. I write this in my pj's while my housemate is watching trashy tv on the other sofa - this is our standard position.

Maryaed

@Emmanuelle Cunt Everyone else said good things but it's also completely legit to give a small talk answer to this kind of question. "Oh, not much." Followed by a subject change that's tangentially related like "I was just reading this interesting book" or "I was thinking about whether to plant some bulbs this year." Just act as if "What did you do?" is a social cue for "tell me some stuff you'd be willing to chat about" rather than "give me an accounting of your recent activities," which it is 99% of the time and if it's not, then the other person's being pushy. You don't have to account for your time.

living internationally

Ok - I was busy being drunk in the company of workmates last night so I'm coming late and hungover to this party.

But I have 2 pressing concerns related to the same event - my nephews christening.

So what does an awesome aunt get for a baby for their christening?

And given that this is going to be in Italy and I know some churches have weird and wildly varying rules about what you can wear in churches in Italy what does one wear?

EvilAuntiePeril

@lessis'more YMMV but I did one of those children's savings accounts where you add a bit every year. (His mother is an accountant). Plus engraved silver christening mug, since I was godmother.

Churches in Italy - I'd ask if you can. If not, and to be on the safe side, dress conservatively - avoid short skirts (ie above the knee) or shorts, bare arms, and nothing low cut. A scarf or light cardigan is pretty handy, and the churches can often be pretty cool inside anyhow.

Shayna

@lessis'more Cover your knees, cover your shoulders, cover your elbows if you can, don't wear anything low cut. Some of them will make you buy a poncho if you aren't dressed correctly (I was there in the summer and we all had a hard time covering up).

living internationally

@EvilAuntiePeril @Shayna See I knew all that but how does one achieve the covered everything - which don't even start me on - without actually wearing a burka?

Also I was considering a trouser combo but don't a lot of them have issues with ladies in trousers? Or should I just bring a bag of options and change depending on the specific churches rules?

living internationally

@EvilAuntiePeril I had thought if the investment account thing (one of my friends benefitted from one while we were in college and i was very jealous) but the problems are that I have 3 nephews (2 older) who I feel I would have to do that for, none of said nephews live in the same country as me so that causes issues, and I am pretty broke right now.

I'm not godmother and I know that we have tons of silver junk in my house that was given as christening gifts that no one ever looks at so I was hoping for something that he may like as a child but also later as an adult.

Thanks for the suggestions though!

Shayna

@lessis'more A 3/4 length sleeve shirt and a skirt that hits you at the knees can work, and still keep you cool. A t-shirt and a cardigan and jeans combo. I haven't seen any not allow you in for wearing pants. Tights/nylons/stockings are also a possibility if you think they're going to be irked at you for bare calves with a skirt, but I haven't been to a Church there that gets annoyed at those (it's hard when the weather is roasting).
Maybe do some research if you can for specific, smaller churches, but large ones have a large tourist business and have slightly more relaxed rules.
Really, it comes down to being respectful of other peoples beliefs in their own space.

Decca

I graduated yesterday! (Yes, in Ireland we have graduations in the autumn.) I was thinking about not attending my ceremony, for some dumb reason, but my parents convinced me to go and I am so glad I did! It was sunny and I wore a pretty dress and felt kind of like a dope in the formal gown, but in a sweet way. And all my professors said nice things about me to my parents and I found out that I won a prize for being the best student in the department. And then I went out for a meal with my family, followed by drinks and dancing with friends, until I ended up in an Indian restaurant at 5am. Hooray for graduating!

PistolPackinMama

@Decca That? Is awesome.

Passion Fruit

@Decca Congratulations! That sounds like an awesome graduation night.

living internationally

@Decca Comhgairdeachas! I personally found graduation to be stressful and tiring - family and friends all in one place!

itiresias

That street sign was one of the best parts of the couple of months I spent in Spain. Just saying.

We called it "man with briefcase and gym shorts running with girl with smaller briefcase and axe in head"

meetapossum

@itiresias This elderly people sign in England is one of my favorite warning signs.

Apocalypstick

@itiresias I like this Welsh warning sign: http://www.flickr.com/photos/oatsy40/7557685134/

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@meetapossum
DANGER: uncomfortable thoughts about your own impending mortality ahead

itiresias

@laurel all of those are great. the "mind the gap" sign in the Madrid metro is also a favorite of mine: http://www.flickr.com/photos/csaila/6258970245/

redheaded&crazy

today's successful saturday:

1. woke up in a functional state despite making the hilariously bad decision to double fist beer and red wine all night (actually triple fist with water, so i am SOMEWHAT responsible)

2. consumed 3 eggs benedict with hollandaise and baaacon

3. return a seriously dead fern for a way awesomer ALIVE one with absolutely no hassle from the nursery, except perhaps the fluttering of my heart at the cute dude with the green thumbs who was helping me

4. had a good laugh at an okc message containing the following: I could list out interrogation questions! Ask you
things like what you do for fun? or maybe something really
deep... something like. "So where are you from?" You'd
swoon, realizing that I care about where you are from and
thus 'where you're coming from'. You'd get "all a flush" at my
wit, right?

5. made a spectacle of myself trying to vacuum the interior of my car during a crazy wind storm - without a hair elastic - probably blowing more shit into my car than i managed to vacuum up and my hair madly swirling around my head in the process.

good day y'all. now for some iced coffee!

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie wow that comment was a lot longer than i meant it to be.

"get a blog. and a life."

adorable-eggplant

@redheaded&crazie What's "a flush"? Why do you get all of them? I'd like one, too.

redheaded&crazy

@adorable-eggplant mwa ha ha they're mine, all mine!!!

theotherginger

@redheaded&crazie please get a blog. also congratulations on a successful saturday. mine involved 1. waking up still sick-ish, deciding not to go to see pyramids just outside of mexico city, because too much metro and bus. 2. going to beautiful park instead. getting into a castle! a castle! and seeing the whole city. 3. hair looking crazy because of wind and lack of hair product. 4. that's it. 5. the future involves art galleries.

wee_ramekin

@redheaded&crazie Hahaha, why is the "deep" question "Where are you from?". How is that deep? That's like, the shallowest, most perfunctory question that anyone can ever ask you.

You should go out with this dude and then blow his mind by asking piercing questions like "What do you do?" and "What kind of music do you like?".

redheaded&crazy

@wee_ramekin helloooo it means he GETS where I'm COMING FROM

you're kind of making me want to respond to his message! "tell me stranger ... what's your favourite animal?" DUN DUN DUN .....

wee_ramekin

@redheaded&crazie *GASP* You slattern! Don't you know that a question like that is akin to a proposal?!?! Just think of all the ~*~penetrating knowledge~*~ you'll obtain from the answer!

Porn Peddler

@redheaded&crazie All I want is to read about the minutiae of your weekends.

My friend got a message on OKC that just said "What's your favorite animal noise?!" she responded "Baby seals!" At first, she considered "Raccoons fucking" but decided against it. I do not agree with her decision.

@wee_ramekin Thank you for the pun.

solaria

@Porn Peddler Am I the only one who got a message that said:
~~hay do you like water?

--granted not a native english speaker but srsly.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

My Saturday included playing Legos with my counsin's son. He explained that the Clone Wars characters had been fighting the Batman character until they remembered from seeing Batman's TV show that he was a good guy.

I found this childlike blurring between fantasy and reality amazing, that the fantasy characters would, within this fantasy, interact with each other through the medium of fantasy.

KatieBarTheDoor

I'm supposed to be visiting Yosemite and staying IN CURRY VILLAGE at the end of the month and I keep hearing more and more about this Hantavirus, agghhh! It's a different type of tent in a different area of the camp than where the people got sick, but of course I'm concerned... don't know if I should skip Yosemite, try to stay somewhere else, just risk it, or what.

wee_ramekin

@KatieBarTheDoor Man, I would skip it. Hantavirus isn't anything to fuck around with: it can be deadly. And since it's spread by rodents, I highly doubt that it's 100% confined to the area where they found it.

Skip it, fellow Pit Bull-lover. Skip it.

HeyThatsMyBike

@KatieBarTheDoor Don't stay there! Seriously, I am one of those "oh, people are overreacting" types with germy things, but with this? They do not seem to be overreacting. And because they've been able to do a patient/location zero analysis so effectively here, it seems wise to avoid the only location that has led to illnesses and deaths!
Now, another area of the park entirely? Maybe. But Curry Village? Don't gooooooo!

PatatasBravas

@KatieBarTheDoor GET THE EFF OUT OF HANTAVIRUS LAND, SRSLY, that shit fucks you up and kills you fast. It is a real threat!

Tenting in Yosemite can be a buzzkill anyway because it's so crowded, so perhaps look into lodges or less mouse-dropping-ish places? Come back to Yosemite another time? You shouldn't miss out on visiting in this lifetime, but really take the virus seriously.

KatieBarTheDoor

Yeah, you guys are probably right. The risk is low, but... it's not a good risk. There are some little cabins that still have availability in a different part of Yosemite, so we'll probably switch over to there.

Shayna

I have no desire to re-dye my hair with henna, because though I love it, it is a lot of effort and lasts a long time, which I don't necessarily want. So now I'm growing out my hair back to its mousy blonde, and re-dyeing it a super-intense red that every other girl in my school wears (screw individuality, I love that color). No one but my friends (who are all taller than I am) can tell, but they're surprisingly noticing a lot.

Suggestions for hair dye types? I'm looking at Feria Red Ruby (66). What's a good hair dye? I used to use Punky but they don't have the color I want.

Megasus

@Shayna Feria is probably the brightest, but Garnier has a new one out in a really bright red for super dark hair. I just used the Garnier mousse in light auburn, and it looks really good! Warning: all DIY reds have a tendency to look a bit too blue for about a week, but eventually settle into a more true red shade.
Also I dunno if it is different with henna, but traditional red dye washes out like a bitch so you have to baby it.

Shayna

@Megano! ;_; Ugh really? Henna you put in and it withstands my hardcore grease shampoo for around 3-4 months... rethinking this. I don't want to put that much effort into it. Also thanks for the warning, I probably would have flipped. Hmm.

OwlOfDerision

Since my boyfriend broke up with me (boooo!), I'm moving out of the flat we shared and looking for a new place. Fortunately the lease is up in a couple of weeks and a mutual friend is going to take over my room (we were roommates, rather than a couple-in-a-1-bed).

I want to find a place that's nice and affordable obviously, but I also want a place where the roommates are people I feel comfortable around and can socialise with. So many of the flats I've looked at are obviously 'crash pads' where the roommates are at work/out/with partners all the time, and I really hate the idea of living somewhere like that.

Is that too picky? Moving out sucks, not only because of the breakup but also because I really like the area I live in and we had a great roommate atmosphere/friend group here until this happened. Is it OK to decline places that don't give me a similar feel? I'm in London, so there's plenty of choice but a lot of crappy places.

Judith Slutler

@OwlOfDerision No, that is NOT too picky! There is a world of difference between a flat share where people connect with each other and a crash pad where everyone is just there to shower and sleep. I say look for a nice place where the atmosphere is nice and fun, and people are invested in making the apartment a good place to live. It will give you a softer landing, provide a place where you're comfortable bringing your friends over, and maybe even give you an opportunity to meet new people through your flatmates! (this is often how I've found people to date in the past)

If you're pressed for time, maybe look for something temporary for the next 3 months or so, and then go back out on the search in the knowledge that you have plenty of time to be selective?

living internationally

@OwlOfDerision Are you part of the pin up facebook group? There was some talk of setting up a Hairpin commune (no but really someone was looking for room mates).

http://www.facebook.com/groups/295781653770999/

OwlOfDerision

@lessis'more The roommate seeker was/is me! If you mean the person with the bitchface photo and a first name beginning with D...

OwlOfDerision

@Emmanuelle Cunt Thank you! That is what I was thinking too, but it's always good to hear other people reinforce it because I was worried that I might be being unrealistic.

I'm fortunate in that I don't have to rush, at least. And I have a viewing lined up for a place that sounds cool (sharing w/ 3 girls, all postgrads like me) so fingers crossed!

living internationally

@OwlOfDerision That is who I meant. You give AMAZING bitchface. In a good way.

LacunaKale

So exhausted. First full week of classes, a new intense workout thing, the return of insomnia, falling off my bike really badly, and the creeping sore throat of sickness. On one hand I want to keep going until I get used to a busy busy pace, and on the other, sofa, scotch, and Supernatural please. (Please chalk the comma abuse up to my tiredness)

redheaded&crazy

i was going to have a quiet date night with myself watching a terrible/hilarious movie on netflix but instead i found the four feathers on tv, on a channel that doesn't have commercials! I cried all the tears for heath ledger. ALL OF THEM. I LOVE HIM.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

hi i had a lot of fun at the boston pin up last week i got drunk and cockblocked a bro???

solaria

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood GO SAWX

PatatasBravas

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Was the bro a 'pinner?

anachronistique

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood I'm sorry I missed it! But Whisper of the Heart was REALLY GOOD.

Speaking of, if anybody's going to Spirited Away tonight, say hi!

superdreaming

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood I am way late to this comment party but I am HIGHLY curious about the drunken-bro-cockblocking story. Do tell?

SarahP

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Oh man, this is what I get for leaving early. No one was even tipsy when I left!

solaria

So I just (like an hour ago) ended things with my boyfriend of a couple of months.

It's a good move for sure, but this is the second one in a row who has come on way (way(WAY)) too strong, made a bunch of promises that I never asked for and then proceeded to let me down on some pretty basic shit. And then comes the having to pester them into acting like a boyfriend (listen bucko, this relationship was definitely more your idea than mine, so what the crap?)

This one was for sure better than the last one (treated me more like a real, grown up girlfriend than anyone ever has, I was never concerned that he was about to hit me, no screaming in the street), and this time I got out before this delicious cocktail turned me into a crazy person (I am a very laid-back person to date, I swear, but this specific style of over-promising and under-delivering turns me into an awful, pouting, petty person that I am not.).

This is not how men work, right? Why do I feel like I have to overcharge just to get paid, if that makes any sense? And why do I keep going back to this bullshit? I am not everyone's taste, and often the types of people I'm interested in dating are not the kinds of people I wind up with socially (I'm a blue-collar girl who went to a verrrry white collar school, but still likes blue collar boys).

Ugh. I don't even know. I just don't feel like I ask that much? And I guess I just feel like I don't know how to get better at this?

Anyway, thanks for giving me a place to spit it all out.

Chrestomanci

@sunshinefiasco All of my boyfriends have been like that (i.e. coming on way too strong and making all the promises). I've resolved that I won't let this happen again, but like you I am kind of stumped as to how to avoid it.

I am really hopeful that it's not all men, but I seem to know a lot like that. My ex-housemate came back from a two week holiday in Bali totally in love with a Balinese woman he met there. He had pretty much promised to marry her and bring her to Australia. He couldn't stop talking about how amazing she was for about three weeks until it dawned on him that she was basically a stranger and it probably wasn't the best idea to marry her. So then he had to break it to her by email that it wasn't going to happen. Poor lady! I think (some) men find it very difficult to distinguish between love and lust (although don't we all...)

Maryaed

@sunshinefiasco Maybe treat sweeping romantic promises in the first few months of knowing someone as bullshit? Because aren't they almost always?

Maybe the guys also feel like it's required somehow. I wonder if there is some cultural factor here.

solaria

@Maryaed I think it could be cultural, because both of them are from super-macho cultures (gotta be the fixer, gotta be your world). Also, I'm not sure either of them had dated "i'm planning to have a serious career because i want one/i got lots of stuff going on that ain't about you" type of women.

As for the promises, I knew they were over-the-top and likely crap, and I told him: All I ask is that you do what you say you'll do. Don't say you'll do something (and I mean something concrete, not "I'll take care of you" or whatever) and not do it. That's it. I just don't know how you make all those promises and then screw up stuff like "I said I'd be there at this time and wasn't".

@Chrestomanci I know! I feel like I need to change up soon though or I'll get (further) addicted to the drama.

Maryaed

@sunshinefiasco When he made all the promises did you say "knock it off, you're acting crazy"? Or something more like "prove it"?

I mean, to me that stuff is disturbing and a form of drama and someone who has big crazy feelings too early should maybe feel apologetic about burdening you with them. If they don't, and they try to get you involved in the high language of obligation and future planning when you barely know them, they're kind of showing you their willingness to manipulate you based on the feelings of the moment. I know that's what romantic comedies are made of, but it's actually kind of creepy to say to someone "I want to be with you forever and will do anything for you, despite the fact that I barely know you" rather than "I think you're wildly attractive and would love to spend a bunch of time exploring this." Just because someone has feelings like "THIS COULD BE THE FOREVER PERSON" doesn't mean he has to share them. I get crazy feelings like that too but anyone over about 17 should be aware that crazy feelings are often crazy, and succeeded by "what the hell was I thinking?" feelings.

solaria

@Maryaed Somewhere in between. He'd be all "Seriously, I could marry you, I want my daughter to know someone like you etc, etc. If we get married you could come with me to Fort Hood, and I have money, you could pick out everything for the house, whatever you want. Do you know how much you could make if you worked on post? blah blah blah.". (Also, dude is military, which is several other cans of worms.)

My reaction would be "Okay, that's kind of a lot right now. I've known you [amount of time]. We can talk about that, but for now I just need you to do what you say you'll do."

"I know baby, but you're gonna see blahblahblah".

Ugh. And it is creepy and manipulative. Ugh. UGH, I SAY.

Maryaed

@sunshinefiasco Oh, that is very ugh, especially the offer of housewifey fulfillment in the form of picking out his curtains. He doesn't get it, does he?

PistolPackinMama

@sunshinefiasco WORD. I have had this experience. Look. I like my space, have things I want to do, but that is not an invitation to act like you don't need to do the things you say you are going to do. Nor is it an invitation for you to up and up your ante until you are promising me an entire estate jewelry post.

Just, make plans and keep them.

Also, I guess I need to figure out how to say "I don't have to see you every day, or even every week. But, I do need to know that if you want to see me, you will make appropriate plans to do so. So, if it's going to be two weeks, SAY, I'll schedule time on the weekend of the X-teenth and will call you when I nail down this and that. Or, if it's this week, SAY Friday night, around xish, let's decide on Wednesday or so what we will do."

I just want to be an appropriate priority.

I cannot handle being in a relationship with someone for two years and still feeling like there might not be a next date and I am begging for attention if I sort of expect that we will see each other every 14 days or so. GODDAMN, he'd talked about wanting to marry me, and asked if I would move in with him. Um...

I think they over promise and then there is the effect, intentional or not, that you're a meanie-head if you put the brakes on/ set boundaries. But then they can flake out on you and be like "what? I said the L-word."

My at the time BF-ex-umfriend announced he'd deliberately arranged his work schedule for the forseeable future so he didn't have two free days together. I lived 90 min away, and my work schedule is arranged such that that meant if we were going to hang out more than 5 hours at a time between two tough work days and a drive, it was going to be every other week at best. And he didn't seem interested in doing the driving.

And the week before, he tells me he loves me so much and still thinks about marrying me and wanting to make it happen.

I was leaving the country for two weeks, and he managed to find time to have dinner before I left, and I de-umfriended him. Because really? How did I let it get so bad that he thought I would think this was a viable option? And that saying "I love you and still think about marrying you" would keep me on the hook?

Well, I let it. But I have been a lot better about it since.

Maybe what I am saying is, I had to bottom out before I could figure out how to set limits?

PistolPackinMama

@PistolPackinMama Oh yeah... and he said "we just have stuff going on and we will hang on and work through it." To which I said "when? I don't see how, with unforseeable schedule and no interest on your part in making an effort to see me, when that will be. It's time."

I haven't been back to that pho place since.

solaria

@Maryaed No. He doesn't. Especially because that comment began with "You won't have to work. Seriously, you won't." and then he remembered who he was talking to, "But I know you want to though, you're one of those, and that's cool, but I would take care of you..."

@PistolPackinMama "Also, I guess I need to figure out how to say "I don't have to see you every day, or even every week. But, I do need to know that if you want to see me, you will make appropriate plans to do so. So, if it's going to be two weeks, SAY, I'll schedule time on the weekend of the X-teenth and will call you when I nail down this and that. Or, if it's this week, SAY Friday night, around xish, let's decide on Wednesday or so what we will do."

I just want to be an appropriate priority."

OH.MYFREAKING. THIS. ALL THE THIS.

This is the thing-- I feel like because I DON'T require constant attention/maintenance/whatever, they think that they can just not act right. Like if I demanded a bunch of ridiculous crap, then I'd be an appropriate priority. Seriously, for all the stereotypical complaining about women nagging/making rules/etc., with these last two it was just like "...dear god... You WANT that, don't you? you don't want a chill person, you want a crazy person. OH GOD YOU'RE MAKING ME INTO A CRAZY PERSON."

Seriously though, hairpin. You the bestest.

Reginal T. Squirge

@PistolPackinMama

I hate when people ruin entire establishments for you. I liked their noodles but now I can never return!

redheaded&crazy

@sunshinefiasco just adding my voice to say i have been there with the not following through on promises, not understanding why that's a problem, and then getting so surprised when you break up with them

also the feeling like you're being made into a crazy person. argh.

theotherginger

@sunshinefiasco i accidentally liked your first post. I don't so much like it as identify with it. internet hugs? internet support? whatever you need. also, all of you other commenters are amazing and remind me a. why the pin is awesome and b. that this kind of behaviour is not ok and

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@theotherginger I "liked" it too but for the same reasons! And I totally agree with the commentariat. Some variation on this has happened to me a LOT and it's a bit of a relief to hear someone else voice the same frustrations. I tend to attract dudes who are basically relationship-y guys but who are on the rebound, so instead of doing what a normal guy would do and have a NSA fling, they get into a faux-relationship with someone like me because we're easy to be around and we don't make all kinds of demands. For about two months it's awesome, and then they just kinda... act like nothing happened? They don't even dump me until I call them out on it (and let me tell you how much fun THAT conversation is), they just stop treating me like their girlfriend. UGH.

moonshine

"I'm as conservative as the constitution!" UGH THAT DOES'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!

HeyThatsMyBike

@moonshine Duh, the Constitution is now partisan. Big Bill O'Reilly fan!

sovereignann@twitter

@JadedStone That's true. Here is my question though. How often were people bathing then because didn't even the upper classes have issues with that? I'm totally down with bringing hats back. And can I add suits to that? Mmmmm men in nice suits. I live in the Dallas Fort Worth area, this is something I never get to see.

theotherginger

@sovereignann@twitter men in suits. best part of not being at home (not actually even a little bit, but a definite plus). I guess I could just go to banks in Toronto. Perhaps even in Dallas-Fort Worth this is a possibility?

sovereignann@twitter

@theotherginger "May I help you with something, ma'am?" "No, no thank you. I'm just here to look at the men in suits." Now I totally want to spend a day doing that.

adorable-eggplant

@sovereignann@twitter Men in suits? I've got your men in suits right here: http://streetetiquette.com/2012/01/02/suit-etiquette-wool-suit/

The worst part of living in Texas is that it's too hot 99% of the year for a wool suit. :(

theotherginger

@adorable-eggplant those are some beautiful men. let's have a day doing that. informally, surreptitiously.

adorable-eggplant

@sovereignann@twitter Count me in.

theotherginger

@Queen of Pickles make this a feature, hair pin

sovereignann@twitter

@adorable-eggplant Oh are those men not yummy?! I do love the modern suit. But yeah, the heat is a big problem. Wool suits would probably only be comfortable for maybe a week. I mean I want them to wear suits but that would mean I would have to up my game and lord knows when it's 106 I don't want to be wearing anything uncomfortable.

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