I wear tights a lot, so I get asked questions about them almost every day. Sometimes twice a day, sometimes just once a day, and then a few days pass before there are any more tights questions. I am technically the most qualified person to share these VERY frequently asked questions about tights.
Q: Why wear tights?
A: Because it’s cold outside.
Q: Yeah, but there are other options. Why tights?
A: They make you look skinny.
Q: Can’t you just wear a Spanx bodysuit for that?
A: Spanx bodysuits only go to mid-thigh. Tights come all the way down. You don’t have to shave your legs!
Q: Doesn’t it hurt, squeezing into those tights?
A: Only at the mid-thigh part.
Q: How many pairs of tights do you wear on a typical day?
A: I like to layer three: Two thin, one thick. You know how people are always shouting “Tights are not pants!”? Well, THREE PAIRS of tights are AS WARM AS pants, and as long as you’re wearing a dress or skirt or legitimately long tunic (which means mid-thigh, with no crazy long slits), then you can layer up and be just as warm as your friends in pants. If they truly are your friends, what with the pants and all.
Q: How do you put on three pairs of tights?
A: The same way you do, one leg at a time (and one pair at a time, unless you want bunches of bunches).
Q: What do you do when you get a run in your tights?
A: Usually, ignore it. Or only wear it with longer skirts.
Q: How often do you wash your tights?
A: Thin tights — every two wears. Thick tights — every three wears.
Q: Is that gross?
A: Not really. You don’t want to wash your tights too much. Runs.
Q: How do you make sense of the weirdo tights-sizing charts on the back of tights packaging?
A: Just ignore them. The ones in your hands are probably the right size.
Q: What are some guidelines for matching your tights to your outfit?
A: If you’re going for a serious/business-lady-look, match your tights to your belt/jacket/sweater. If you’re going for a skinny look, match your tights to your shoes. Otherwise, do whatever feels right.
Q: What are some guidelines for wearing patterned tights?
A: Try not to wear any other patterns. If you must, wear a competing pattern. Better to look interesting in polka dot tights and a striped sweater than to look like Matchy McBoringpants in polka dot tights with a polka dot sweater.
Q: What about white tights?
A: I can’t hear you, your legs look too fat in those white tights.
Q: What if I’m in a sexy situation with my tights?
A: Thank your tights.
Q: What if my tights keep rolling down and giving me a surprise muffin top?
A: Are you rich or poor?
Q: What if I’m rich?
A: Throw them away.
Q: And if I’m poor?
A Safety pin them to your bra.
Q: What if the safety pin comes undone and pokes me in the stomach?
A: Sucks being poor.
A: Is there anything I can’t wear with tights?
A: Just leggings or sneakers.
Q: Is there anything I can’t do in tights?
Amy Preiser also knows a lot about Hello Kitty, half marathon training, and gift giving.
Photo via Flickr/chriswaits