Tuesday, September 11, 2012


Bubble Butt Syndrome is Real

Sometimes turtles get air pockets under their shell that give them too much buoyancy, and then they can't dive. But then, sometimes those turtles go to a turtle hospital, and the brave turtle doctors attach itty-bitty weights to their shell, and then the turtles are happy, and have very weird children's books written about them.

Isn't the world kind of great sometimes? Also, do not hit turtles with your boat, you might damage their shell.

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I have nothing to offer except that I miss when my friends and I used to stage turtle races in college/also after college. Poor Terrel, he had a club foot, never won. But McTavish and Dundee? Good bets every time. Ian was always solid as well, if not something of a wildcard.

Also, I very much like the cover of this book.


@katiemcgillicuddy Corpus Christi college (Oxford) has a tortoise race every year; all the colleges which own tortoises enter them. (Yes, Oxford is weird.) I heard about one college that entered a human, and as a handicap he had to eat an entire head of lettuce before starting.


@Verity That's awesome, I want to go to there. I guess the lettuce might slow you down. We used to get drunk and sometimes bet on them, dollar bills mostly. We started every race night by blasting "Final Countdown" and there was a sign on the fridge that said, "TURTLE RACES: BROUGHT TO YOU BY HUMANS AND FEDEX". I spent more time on this than actual classes and my GPA showed it.


Poor turtles. I have yet to meet a bubble-butt turtle for whom the caretakers/aquarists had any hope of release. And that's before you even get to the likelihood of other injuries (flipper and eye damage is common) incurred in the boat-strike or pre-rescue.

Genghis Khat

Applebottom jeans,* them boots with the fur...**

*fiberglass butt weight

Lila Fowler

@Genghis Khat Shake that healthy butt, Baby got SHELL.

fondue with cheddar

@Lila Fowler Bubble-bottomed turtles, you make the rockin' world go round.

Lila Fowler

I was feeling lonely and Charlie Brown-y until I saw this. Now, I just want a bubble-butt turtle to hang with. Can this be made into a movie starring Drew Barrymore/John Krasinski por favor? I would watch that all day, every day.


Oh, Amazon reviewer. You are frowning at the repetition of the word "butt" in the text, as you want to protect your toddlers' ears. It's in the title; kinda feel like you should have seen it coming. As for your other complaint about the rhythm of the poetry being off...your kids probably haven't noticed. They just want to hear you say "butt" a lot, okay?


@TheLetterL True story, my youngest child was maybe 4 and was being slow to get dressed after bathing, so I threatened to pinch his booty if he didn't get it into pajamas STAT, as pinching naked booties is definitely a RULE in my house. He looked at me very seriously and said "Say BOTTOM, Mommy, booty is a rude word". So I of course responded by saying "Bootybootybootybootybootybooty!" because I am a Mature Adult Person. He burst into tears.

fondue with cheddar

@TheLetterL Butt isn't such a bad word. At least it shouldn't be.

Butts are also hilarious. All children know this, and some fuddy-duddy adults try to deny it. But it can't be denied!


@jen325 Agreed!

hahahaha, ja.

@jen325: I taught my little sister to use the term "butt-ton" (it's a non-standard unit of volume that is slowly starting to gain acceptance in some circles). Her friend's parents (who are lovely people but a teeeensy bit conservative) gently chastised them for saying "butt," and tried to get them to say "bucket-ton" instead. Which is totally not the accepted term, folks. You can't go changing the names of units willy-nilly. There are STANDARDS.

fondue with cheddar

@hahahaha, ja. Really...it would be chaos!


@hahahaha, ja. Many years ago when working in a restaurant, we agreed that a butt-ton converted to roughly 50. It actually came in handy! "We need 2 butt-tons of tartlets for this catering, stat!"


@hahahaha, ja. Haha, in my world it's a metric fuckton! Only now it's hard to find replacements for when I really want to convey a "fuckton."


@damselfish My unit of choice is the "shit ton."

hahahaha, ja.

@damselfish: Ooo, I like "fuckton." The fact that it is a metric unit really helps, too, because then you can easily convert between fucktons and gigafucktons, which is very helpful when discussing GDPs.

Cat named Virtute

@damselfish But in that case, should it not be a metric fucktonne? #pedant I am very fond of that unit though, yes.


@MoonBat Children can be so conservative. It's endearing.


I once said the word "stupid" in front of a friend's 4-yr-old in reference to I don't know what.
His response (to his mum): Mummy, TARDIStime said a square word!!!
There were tears from the laughter that ensued.


@MoonBat This is basically my future parenting technique in a nutshell.


@MoonBat My sister, then aged about four, came home from a party crying, because "Mrs X isn't a NICE mummy". My mum, deeply concerned, asked why: "Because NICE mummies say "bottom", and Mrs X says "bum". She says "Put your BUMS on the seats" and NICE mummies would NEVER say a rude word to a children!".


@TARDIStime It took me a minute to translate "square word", that is hilarious!
@missupright I am pretty sure that my kids' friends would not consider me a NICE mummy either. We regularly make faces at one another, talk in affected accents or opera style just to be super annoying, and my answer to "what's for dinner" is always "fish heads and beans", but we have lots of fun. I have no brothers, only one introverted little sister, so having four sons (and one rough & tumble daughter) has been a fantastic adventure!

New Hoarder

As far as bubble butts on humans go, mine makes it often uncomfortable to sleep on my back as I prefer to do.


I went on a tour of the Turtle Hospital! It's so great (minus the parts where it's so very sad to see these mangled shells). But you get to be really close to the turtles and watch them swim around. And it did make me try and recycle every last bit of plastic I possibly can. (From what I remember, some of the turtles are injured after eating plastic and trash in the ocean--it builds up in their digestive tract).


@kmc They eat jellyfish and can easily mistake a discarded plastic bag floating in the water for a jelly's bell!


If they don't want to be drains on society, they should get jobs as flotation devices. Bootstraps made of seaweed!


@JessicaLovejoy So that's how Jack Sparrow did it.

sarah girl

This makes me think of the King of the Hill episode where Hank has Diminished Gluteal Syndrome (DGS) and has to wear a fake butt.

fondue with cheddar

@Sarah H. When I was little I was afraid an alligator would come up out of the toilet and bite my butt off and I would have to wear a fake butt.


Oh, this is so sad! But actually kind of happy because there are hospitals out there that help these poor turtles. But it's sad because how many bubble turtles are out there hopelessly floating around because a human hasn't rescued them yet? I clearly can't get a hold on my emotions this morning. I'm basically all :( :) :| :{ :] :O right now after reading this. Turtles!

Toby Jug

@olivebee YUP EXACTLY TURTLES! :( :) :{ :]

The Widow Muspratt

@olivebee This story, the article I read yesterday about birds holding funerals and a podcast about a deaf pitbull is doing the same thing to me. My heart!


@olivebee I know! I read this and I was like, oh, my heart!

The Lamb

The Shedd Aquarium in Chicago has a turtle with buoyancy issues due to a boat accident that cracked its shell. They play videos about the turtle's rescue, but they basically say that the turtle is happy swimming in the way it has adapted to swim (kind of backwards and always with the rear of the shell rising in the water).


Oooh I have never been to the Turtle Hospital but I have been to the sea turtle sanctuary on Isla Mujeres and it was amazing. Giant pools of baby turtles!! So adorable!


I love how on the cover of the book the turtle's just sinking to the bottom of the ocean on his tea break, NBD.

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