Monday, August 20, 2012


The Best Things to Do

The best thing to do when your boyfriend tries to break up with you is to plead for one last request: ask him to conduct the conversation in triple negatives. Say, “This is the one thing you can do for me as you don’t not unbreak my heart.” It might not work, especially if you're into college grads, but it does increase the chances of an inadvertent reconciliation by at least 30 percent.

The best thing to do, though, is to just date a type so hideous he’ll never break up with you in the first place. Like maybe you could look on Match.com for someone who lists “Pumba, but with more 9-11” under Celebrity I Resemble Most.

The best thing to do if you happen to be a time-crunched parent with the goal of teaching your little DNA clafoutis the authoritative nature of the larger world while still providing parental comfort, is boil down nighttime lullabies to their most essential thematic sentence. Like: hush little baby don’t say a word.

Sing the sentence. Turn off lights. Shut the door medium-hard behind you.

The best thing to do with crotchety old people is put them in a hot tub. 

The best thing to do if you want to avoid bodily harm is always stay home. Find pleasure in a Lean Cuisine. Perform Lady Gaga's Bad Romance for your stuffed animals.

Though if you're stupid enough to leave your house and encounter a violent person in a dark alley the best thing to do is sing Bad Romance while simultaneously wetting yourself. Violent sociopaths loathe performance art.

The best thing to do when fighting a nasty fever is get in the hot tub with the old people you put there two tips ago.

The best thing to do when your wife confronts you with her doubts about Santa Claus’s existence is sit her down and tell her the truth. Santa is dead, but Tom Cruise is real. And if she's a good girl, Tom Cruise will put a pony in her socks.

The best thing to do in any difficult situation is to smile with teeth and then have each individual tooth smile with all its teeth and so forth and so forth. Especially if you’ve done one of those Crest Whitening kits lately. You'll blind your enemies! And your lover! Then you can stop incessantly whitening your teeth for that guy.

Previously: 50 Shades of Grey.

Lauren Bans is an editor at GQ.

65 Comments / Post A Comment

Lustful Cockmonster

DNA clafoutis. Heh.


@Grumplestiltskin I KNOW!


@Grumplestiltskin The best thing I will do when I have a child is name it DNA Clafoutis.


I am totally doing the "Hush little baby, don't say a word" thing next time I babysit my niece and nephew.


Do not get into that hot tub, don't you know the jets are full of CENTIPEDES?!?!


@parallel-lines I'd forgotten about that... Thanks.




@Dancercise I refuse to suffer the knowledge of that event all alone.


@parallel-lines but but... hot tubbin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDgKLeeEDEI

fondue with cheddar

Hot tubs and wetting oneself: two of my favorite Sims-related phenomena.

J Walter Weatherman

@jen325 I realize I am about a week late to this party, but I just laughed really hard, a lot, out loud.

Quinn A@twitter

With more...9-11? I don't get the reference. Can someone please explain (because I don't think googling 9-11 is going to get me the results I want within the first hundred pages or so)?


@Quinn A@twitter Yeah I don't get it either.

Reginal T. Squirge

She was talking about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, right?

Lustful Cockmonster

@Quinn A@twitter Yep, this one stumped me too...Lauren Bans! Please explain!

You'll be sorry Jo March

@Quinn A@twitter I think she was saying that the guy would look like Pumbaa, but more tragic.

Quinn A@twitter

@You'll be sorry Jo March That would make sense!

Judith Slutler

@Quinn A@twitter She was saying that a guy who would describe himself that way would be the worst guy ever


I don't think that I'm not wrong when I can't say that it's not you, it's me.

That will be my breakup line for all of time.


Tom Cruise probably is a Santa Klaus-like figure for Scientologists.


The solution to getting broken up with is to date ugly guys?
This made me feel ick.


@loudmouthsoup Noooooo, "a TYPE so hideous". Not physically, but hideous of personality!


@loudmouthsoup it's this new kind of humour we like to call "tongue in cheek".


@MoonBat That doesn't fit with the very confusing Pumba reference. Pumba had an A+ warthog personality!


@loudmouthsoup But he had that "who cares, no worries" thing going on, and he ate bugs that he found under logs, and.....I don't know, I'm reaching here. Also I think Pumba is pretty cute.


@loudmouthsoup Oh, man. I assumed that Pumba was some musician I hadn't heard of yet.


@cherrispryte Ahhhaha. You're now my favorite, and I hope it is!!! Maybe then it would make sense....


double paw?

@loudmouthsoup also pumbaa's aroma lacked a certain appeal


@double paw? he could clear the savannah after every meal...


@loudmouthsoup Er-hem hem.



@The Kendragon I'm a sensitive soul! Though I seem thick skinnnned...


@Bloodrocuted Sorry, but on first read-through tip 2 rubbed me the wrong way (Which has so far been clarified to state "Us gals obvi can't handle break ups so date an ugly/smelly/tragic loser"?). I didn't realize that voicing that (along with an admittedly glib comment about the really obtuse reference) was against the site etiquette. Live and learn.


@lora.bee AND it hurt that my friends never stood down-wind... AND OH THE SHAME!


@The Kendragon He was ashamed!!


@loudmouthsoup Pardon me, I was just being self-deprecating!


@lora.bee Thought of changin' my name!


@The Kendragon Oh, what's in a name!


@lora.bee And I got downhearted...


@The Kendragon How did ya feel??


@lora.bee (mumble mumble) Hey Pumba! Not in front of the kids!

(I have never been able to figure out what he says)
Oh btw I would totally date Pumba.

science is sexy@twitter

@The Kendragon And I got down-hearted
Every time that I go-karted

Vera Knoop

“Pumba, but with more 9-11”
Excuse you?


@Vera Knoop Thank god, I thought maybe I was the only person for whom it is still too soon to glibly throw around what I assume is a 9/11 joke. I'd almost rather be with my aunt a month or so after the event, when she so tactfully asked, "So, YOU WERE THERE? What was it like?"

Fucking terrible, thanks for asking.


Once, my BF tried to dump me in Central Park by the Turtle Pond, and I was totally cool with it. I mean, I was upset, but I was letting him go. But I did say, "Goddamit, you can't dump me at dinnertime, when I've got nothing at home to eat! I'm not going home dumped AND hungry! You're taking me out for dinner, and THEN you can go your happy way." Really, all I wanted was dinner as a compensation for being dismissed so unceremoniously, with the rats scurrying about in the grass, the stupid redwings cawing annoyingly with their "OMG!", and some random girl sitting in the grass within earshot (embarrassing!). So we went out to dinner, and I ordered something expensive. And for some reason, that made my BF fall back in love with me. All of a sudden, as I savored my dinner, I noticed he kept giving me the eye, and I was like, am I crazy, or is this guy a little variable? Sure enough, he'd changed his mind. (Till the next time, anyway! We had a bumpy few years during his midlife crisis, which probably explains why I'd gotten so blasé and practical about it.)


@carolita I love your stories! Can hairpinners expect a new column from you soon? Pleaaaaasssee?


@carolita I once invited a boyfriend over for dinner. He brought over a bag full of things I'd left at my house, let me serve him noodles, and then dumped me. THEN HE FINISHED EATING

Sadly they were the best noodles I have made and have never been able to replicate them. THAT BASTARD


I need to hear more regarding the first scenario, currently.

(So far, I'm swinging back and forth between "give him space" and "text him incessantly", neither of which, I know, are very effective.)


@Midie Oh girl, I'm sorry. That situation always sucks. Let us know if there's anything we can help you out with.

Judith Slutler

@Midie Oh no! That sucks...

... but you really need to give YOURSELF space, from him. Not for him - for you.

Plus, see that "Drafts" folder in your phone? THAT is where you should be sending those texts, not to him. He is in no way good enough to deserve to see those texts.

keep your head up, girl!


@Midie It's hard to know how to get through it until afterwards, but after a long, severe bout of never-truly-requited love in my first relationship, I believe I'll never again pursue someone who doesn't really want me back.

Take all the energy you're expending, and put it into seeing friends/enjoying yourself. Because: you deserve to be loved! I got down to some root of self-esteem, and it didn't quite stop me loving the guy, exactly – I'll always carry a little torch, if only for the memory of being so obsessed with him – but I stopped wanting to be in a relationship with him from that moment, and ultimately found someone/something much better. 'The Very Persistent Gappers of Frip' is very wise on this whole topic http://www.amazon.com/The-Very-Persistent-Gappers-Frip/dp/0375503838

Give him space (don't text him incessantly), stop worrying about what he thinks, work on being independent/self-sufficient, above all keep busy. Hope this helps, it will get better.


@Midie Another great idea is to send those texts. But not to him. To a super supportive friend/sister, who will understand, talk to you, and remind you that you deserve a boyfriend who doesn't drive you crazy! (So your boyfriend needs to shape up!)


@The Kendragon My neighbor texts me instead of her stupid ex-boyfriend! And then we cry into sushi.


I fucking love sushi


@The Kendragon Salty tears save on soy sauce.


@Bloodrocuted That was the most delightful/depressing thing I've read today


I like "Shut the door medium-hard behind you". Medium-hard is how I like my fried eggs. I can probably come up with other things that are medium-hard.


@whizz_dumb ...Well. My mind went straight to the gutter.


@The Kendragon Subtle nudge toward the gutter complete.


@whizz_dumb Put me in a five mile radius of a gutter and I will find it, take up residence, and contribute to the filth in the sewer grates down the road.


your writing is getting better and better! perhaps try and publish here next? http://www.greatdreams.com/reptlan/reps.htm


"The best thing to do with crotchety old people is put them in a hot tub." Worked on my parents.

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