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Monday, August 6, 2012

122

Texts From Nancy Drew

Nancy? Are you coming?
I’ve been waiting by the old oak in the park for almost an hour
I tried calling your father and he said you went out to the lake with Bess and George
but Bess came back ages ago
I guess maybe you didn’t take your phone with you
anyhow the picnic is here
and I am here too
whenever you get here
no rush!
I miss you
oh Ned
I’m so sorry
but I am so close to figuring out who the jewel thieves are
I think it has something to do with the ghostly figure that frightened Ms. Martin after the gala
and the twins are pretty sure they saw something out on the island
what did they see?
oh
could be anything
jewels
or anything
anyhow so it’s really important that I go sailing with them
well
if you really think it will help you solve the mystery 
oh absolutely
couldn’t solve it without them
just let me know when you get back
maybe I can see you afterwards?
i don’t know if i’ll have reception on the lake
it’s really hard for cell phone signals to cross running water so
yeah I know
hey I love you
byyye
don’t you have anything to say back to me?
Ned you know I can’t talk openly when I’m on a case
we don’t know who’s listening in
right, right
of course
sorry

heyyyyy where are you right now
At home
Why?
do you think you could come get me?
are you tied up again?
i’m just over at the cave
by the old mill
so you’re tied up
in a cave
you know
near the burned-down orphanage
please just answer the question
you should probably bring some scissors
for the rope?
there appears to be some rope here, yes
are you tied up with it?
Ned look
it’s really hard for me to text with my hands all tied up like this
so please just stop asking so many questions and get over here ok 

Nancy!
Nancy I can see that’s you
it’s Ned
I’m on the other side of the baccarat table
You don’t have to let on that you know me if you’re working
I’m sorry
who is this?
Nancy, I can see that it’s you
You’re just wearing bangs
Please leave me alone
I am a troubled heiress who wants only to play baccarat
and forget her troubles
are you in disguise?
My only disguise are my troubles
is my troubles
Please excuse the English
who’s that man you’re with?

I’m sorry I wanted to follow the kidnappers into the cave, Ned
That’s all right
I really am sorry though
I know
I’m sorry we got tied up again
It’s okay
I’m can’t believe what they did to your face
I had no idea they were so desperate
I know
I really don’t know how we’re going to get out of this one
Me neither
this is worse than when George murdered Bess
God
remember that?
yeah I remember
that was horrible
it really was
no it was really horrible
it just came out of nowhere
you know I haven’t been able to sleep alone since that night?
Oh wow
no I didn’t know that
I asked Hannah if she wouldn’t mind moving in for a while
it’s easier knowing she’s in the room with me
I’m sure
It was so hard to believe that George would ever do something like that
I heard she’s getting her GED by correspondence now
do you talk to her?
we write sometimes

 

Previously: Texts From Sweet Valley High.

Mallory Ortberg is a writer in the Bay Area. Her work has also appeared on Slacktory and Ecosalon.



122 Comments / Post A Comment

Yahtzii

Did you guys know that George Fayne's boyfriend was named BUCK RODMAN? I think that explains a lot, personally.

maybe partying will help

@Yahtzii

Wait wait wait what happened to Burt Edelstein??

wee_ramekin

@Yahtzii

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Mutual Beards

Yahtzii

@maybe partying will help Burt came after Buck! There is no way to make that sentence sound less weird.

maybe partying will help

@Yahtzii

Daaaamn how did I forget a name like BUCK RODMAN. Clearly I need to reread every single Nancy Drew book ever written.

sam.i.am

@maybe partying will help Seek out the originals from the 30s. That's where Buck appears, Nancy is only 16 and things are just weird and... antiquated.

Also, "GIrl Sleuth" is a great book about Nancy and her creators.

milenakent

i see your point.@n

PatatasBravas

Between this and Kate Beaton's interpretations of Nancy Drew, I'm not sure there's any cause to read the originals anymore!

backstagebethy

@PatatasBravas I highly recommend Chelsea Cain's "Confessions of a Teen Sleuth" as well.

boysplz

@PatatasBravas I'm really glad they ran this because It gave me an excuse to go read through the old Hark A Vagrant Nancy Drew posts. I can attest that they're still hilarious.

themmases

@PatatasBravas I was going to say... I pictured each of these scenarios as drawn by her.

mangosara

@boysplz I'M DYING those are hilarious and I'm making weird choking noises trying not to burst out laughing at work

katiemcgillicuddy

@PatatasBravas I love Kate Beaton but somehow missed these, they are brilliant, thank you!

Xanthophyllippa

@themmases Kate Beaton + melis = supernova of awesome.

PatatasBravas

Ned is not a name that has aged well. Nor Bess.

Yahtzii

@PatatasBravas "Ned Nickerson" sounds like a horse's name.

Pizzahut

@PatatasBravas I will argue you on "Bess."

PatatasBravas

@Pizzahut Please do! I meant it hasn't aged well in the sense that it's not popular anymore, and I don't know anyone called Bess (personally, or even in that "I know of her on the internet!" way).

Pyxis

@Yahtzii Bess kind of reminds me of a milk cows name.

Ophelia

@Pyxis Unfortunately, I think that was the case (and the intent) even way back when these were originally written.

Pyxis

@Ophelia Wow, really? That's pretty messed up.

The Hyperbolic Julia Set

@Ophelia yeah....all the slightly veiled fat jokes....poor Bess!

sandwiches

@PatatasBravas Aw... I always intended, if I ever had a male child, to pick a name that ...nicknames...* as Ned. :( :( :(

*There's got to be a better way to say that.

whateverlolawants

@sandwiches I like the name Ned, because as a teenager I really liked a book by Ned Vizzini. I also knew a girl named Bess in college. She was the president of like every club and works in DC now, of course.

Bittersweet

@sandwiches Edward is the traditional name that uses Ned as a nickname, but maybe there's too much Twilight baggage around that one these days?

questingbeast

@Bittersweet There's always Eddard.

sceps yarx

@sandwiches Another great Ned is the protagonist from To Say Nothing of the Dog, by Connie Willis. He's a time-traveler to the Victorian era and his time-traveling ladyfriend's name is Verity.

sandwiches

@Bittersweet Yeah, I like the name Edward, but a) too much baggage, and b) Edmund's actually the name I've liked since I was a kid; Ned would actually be more "normal", if outdated, than the name it's a diminutive of.

anachronistique

:D! :D! :D!

.....

D:

Anne Helen Petersen

Boyfriend excuses I have actually used: "i don’t know if i’ll have reception on the lake
it’s really hard for cell phone signals to cross running water so"

Megasus

Hahah, I was just thinking, "remember how Nancy Drew always had boys who were not Ned running around after her and making out with her? Poor Ned." But I wouldn't want to be Nancy Nickerson either, so I do not blame her.

t-square

@Megano! Nancy Drew NEVER would have changed her name.

Yahtzii

was going for lunch, want to come?
Bess, you're eating again?
i'm hungry
You'll never keep your figure if you keep getting hungry, darling.

melis

OH MY GOD POOR BESS

"Bess was a lovely girl but she had an unwanted houseguest she couldn't get rid of....five extra pounds."

Yahtzii

@melis BESS! You got ice cream on the clues again!

girlandtonic

@Yahtzii One of my most prizes possessionas is my copy of The Nancy Drew Cookbook. The two dishes named after her sidekicks? George's Healthy Grapefruit and Bess' Chocolate Chip Pancakes.

Chesty LaRue

@girlandtonic What is the recipe for George's healthy grapefruit? "Slice a grapefruit in half. Bon appetit!"
?

Yahtzii

@Chesty LaRue 2. Smugly watch Bess eat her pancakes, occasionally asking if she KNOWS how many calories are in them.

girlandtonic

@Chesty LaRue I don't actually have the book with me, so I googled it and of course this came up:
http://thehairpin.com/2011/02/highlights-from-the-nancy-drew-cookbook/

(And since I don't have it, I was slightly off for both. "Keep in Shape" grapefruit and Bess' Secret Chocolate Waffles. I wonder what the secret is?)

City_Dater

@girlandtonic

The secret is that Bess eats those chocolate waffles while hidden at the back of a dark closet so Nancy and George won't ruin her breakfast by bitching at her about calories and healthy choices.

Xanthophyllippa

@City_Dater Women snickering alone with pancakes.

TARDIStime

@Xanthophyllippa Women Crying Alone With Calories

ilikemints

This is the best.

For those of you with plenty of time on your hands, here's a great playlist of a lady who reviewed ALL of the Nancy Drew books. They're super fun and informative. I am not this lady, but I was sucked down this rabbit hole a few months ago, therefore it's my duty to get others sucked in as well.

marianlibrarian

this post= ALL THE LOVE.

TheDragon

Any Trixie Belden fans here? BEST teen sleuth of all time. :)

flanhoodles

@The Kendragon I looooooved Trixie Belden! I may have dressed up as her for Halloween (more than once). I also spent a lot of time as a child worried about copperheads because of those books, which was a rather irrational fear for a child in the Pacific Northwest.

Mira

@The Kendragon TRIXIE BELDEN. There's a name I haven't heard in years! She was great but did not have closeted sleuthing pals, so advantage Nancy.

TheDragon

@Gone Away Lass I haven't, but if I remember I will check it out.
@flanhoodles every black horse statue I had was "Jupiter" and Jim was my dream guy.
@Mira true. But she also doesn't leave me with an urge to punch her perfect, never wrong, everyone kisses her ass, oh so smart face. (I have strong thoughts on teen sleuths.)

Lily Rowan

@The Kendragon Trixie Belden was the BEST.

empathicalist

@The Kendragon Loved Trixie Belden!

empathicalist

@The Kendragon I was also really into the Mad Scientist Club books and The Three Investigators. And, of course, read every Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys.

pandaonaplane

@The Kendragon Are you kidding? Trixie Belden was my shit. Trixie was so real that when she sucked snake poison out of her brother's leg it was NBD and not even a major plot point. Just regular afternoon activity that was causally mentioned in chapter 2.

Emma Peel

@The Kendragon Cherry Ames/Vicki Barr, anyone? I loved those books in their incredible retro CAREER WOMEN! SOLVING MYSTERIES! kind of way.

TheDragon

@pandaonaplane Exactly! Sucking copperhead venom is just an everyday deal for her! I also liked that she got in trouble with her parents, and the police reacted like police would react to a teenager getting all up in their business!

themegnapkin

@minijen The Three Investigators!!!!! <3!

Xanthophyllippa

@Emma Peel I had a couple Cherry Ames books! Now I know what I'm going to spend my last few weeks of summer reading, instead of doing course prep.

Saskquatch

@The Kendragon Aah! Yes! I look for Trixie books every time I'm in a flea market setting-I ordered every one I could get through the inter-library loan program as a kid.
Do you guys remember when she went to a dance and her mom made her wear a girdle? As the child of a woman with hippie tendancies it took me years to figure out what that was. Although I still don;t understand why a 16 year old was wearing one.

TheDragon

@Saskquatch I can't hear "girdle" and "a dance" without remembering a story my dad told me about a high school dance, and dancing with a girl who had a hard ring around her waist. Eventually he figured out it was her girdle, but he's pretty sure he awkwardly and accidentally felt her up, trying to figure out what it was.

Bittersweet

@pandaonaplane Trixie also casually rescued her friend Honey when she dove into the shallow part of the lake and hurt herself. I think that was in the same book. Was there anything she couldn't do?

Xanthophyllippa

@Bittersweet I bet Trixie grew up to be Kay Scarpetta's aunt, or something.

teaandcakeordeath

I found an old Nancy Drew the other day and giggled myself silly at the descriptions of 'hunks with blueberry eyes' and clues they found on sheets of 'computer paper'.

Anne Helen Petersen

@teaandcakeordeath Note: the original Nancy Drew is super embarrassingly repugnantly racist. They've redacted all of the most egregious stuff in the new versions, but bitch was a class-A bigot.

teaandcakeordeath

@Anne Helen Petersen
I had no idea! My copy was one of the really really 90's 'Nancy Drew Files' where she goes to college and solves all her mysteries with the power of flirting.

teaandcakeordeath

@Anne Helen Petersen
Though in retrospect I shouldn't be so surprised, the killer in that book was a pretty girl who hated pretty girls so it wasnt a great representation of women either.

(Oh woops *spoiler alert*!)

dormilona

@teaandcakeordeath Nancy Drew Files! In the ones we had growing up, she basically had to uncover some secret Soviet plot every.damn.time. She'd fall in love with a teen-aged KGB spy and then run back to Ned at the end of the book, ashamed that she had fallen in love with a communist. America!

Blushingflwr

@Anne Helen Petersen Scandals of Classic Literature - Nancy Drew edition

City_Dater

@teaandcakeordeath

I read various relatives' Nancy Drew books from the '40s and '50s when I was a kid -- describing a Nancy Drew mystery that references a computer as "old" is killing me.

Pyxis

@teaandcakeordeath I remember reading a Nancy Drew book my aunt gave me when I was a kid, where she solves some murders at a fashion magazine. I think it was from the mid to late 80's and the author was trying to make her more modern? Anyway, I remember I could not stop laughing at her power suit she was wearing on the cover. But then my 9 year old cousin laughed at the bike shorts on the cover of the Babysitters Club books I gave her, so full circle I guess?

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@teaandcakeordeath
I AM IMAGINING BLUEBERRIES JUST SITTING ON YOUR FACE AS EYES, CORALINE-STYLE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

teaandcakeordeath

@josiahg
Maybe that's what they meant all along?!

@City_Dater
Argh that's not what I meant! It was more that I'd sort of forgotten the existence of 'computer paper'. It's about me! I dont think very much about out-dated stationary!

Nicole Cliffe

MANDATORY SHOUT-OUT FOR MABEL MANEY'S LESBIAN NANCY DREW SERIES ("NANCY CLUE")

xox

cherrispryte

@Nicole Cliffe Is it George-centric? TELL ME ITS ALL ABOUT GEORGE!

wee_ramekin

@cherrispryte I also want to know this information! My mind is conjuring up an amazing world where hot, butch George solves all the crimes and then makes sweet, passionate love to me on a bed with silken sheets.

plonk

@Nicole Cliffe yes, GREAT fun, but WHY did it textually fade to black every time things got really interesting???

carbonation

@Nicole Cliffe This exists? SO relevant to my interests.

PoBoyNation

@Nicole Cliffe With Nurse Cherry Aimless!

Pyxis

@PoBoyNation I thought that was a joke until I googled it. I must read this right now!

Xanthophyllippa

@Nicole Cliffe AND THE HARDLY BOYS!

PoBoyNation

@Pyxis It is a campy delight!

katiemcgillicuddy

"My only disguise are my troubles
is my troubles
Please excuse the English"

I am in pain from laughing.

eiffeldesigns

I <3 Nancy Drew. My mom actually just sent me all my Nancy Drew books a few months ago. The originals, of course, none of those new-fangled reboots they've done throughout the years. I read all of them. In order, of course. My OCD wouldn't let me go out of order, which meant sometimes I had to wait weeks/months to read the next installment because some lamer had the next one checked out from the library

Megasus

@Kirs I may own most of them.

pandaonaplane

I cannot even read this because I am shaking so much from excitement. Please keep doing these. It is the only think that keeps me going at work.

melis

"It is the only thing that keeps me going"

WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON YOU AND I

Chesty LaRue

This is worse than when George murdered Bess
God
Remember that?

She just sounds so chipper in my head. Maybe it's because I've been playing Nancy Drew computer games and she's annoying but the games are really fun, ok?

panquecito

@Chesty LaRue // Ohhh, those are SUCH good games. My sister and I still play those, and we're both well into our 20s.

yourpretendfriend

@elenachicago
My sister and I play those too! And we're in college. We get really excited when a new one comes out but they are surprisingly difficult and we sometimes have to cheat by looking at walkthroughs.

bessmarvin

@Chesty LaRue I have played all of those games but the last one and I just turned 24 but I am totally OK with it because they say "10 and up" so I am included anyway!

panquecito

@yourpretendfriend // Hahaha, we alwayyyys look at the walkthroughs. Somehow, that still doesn't make it any less fun to play!

Clairey Fairy

@elenachicago I played those games religiously in middle and high school with my sisters! I was going to play some of our old ones this summer, but I have a macbook now and my disks are for PCs only. I'm going to need to buy some of these new ones STAT.

Anyone ever play the Agatha Christie games? They were a little more difficult than Nancy. More complicated plots + more murders. We always had to use the walkthroughs a couple times a game, but they were quite fun.

Chesty LaRue

@bessmarvin I actually haven't played any Nancy Drews in years, but I remember them being fun, that's for sure!
@Clairey Fairey I may just have to start on Agatha Christie now, unless you want to send me those Nancy Drew disks! Sharepin!

oodelally

@All I still play them! I keep saying "I'm too old to play nd games, this is the last one" and then the next one comes out and looks awesome and I have to get it.

Clairey Fairy

@Chesty LaRue I can send you my Nancy Drew and Agatha Christie games. I don't have a way to play them anymore!

Bittersweet

@Clairey Fairy There are Agatha Christie computer games? as;dkfja;skldfjklsFJ, so excited, I can't even process this info. Off to find them now.

Clairey Fairy

@Bittersweet Murder on the Orient Express was the best in my 16 year-old opinion, which you can buy pretty cheaply here.

Chesty LaRue

@Clairey Fairy Shit to! This may be the best day ever!
If serious, please send an email to rockandrollnicole (at) hotmail (dot) com
I could PayPal you a few bucks for shipping too :)

Carrie Ann

@Bittersweet Just in case you haven't found them, Amazon has a 3-in-1 bundle of Agatha Christie games to download for PC for like $6.99.

plonk

also: hi melis! did you enjoy switzerland? did you have a raclette? did you see giant fancy cowbells? sorry i was in belgium!

bessmarvin

AGHHHHHH yes
I just feel like this series ~gets~ me

melis

@bessmarvin It does! I do!

The Lady of Shalott

MELIS

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@The Lady of Shalott TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.

The Lady of Shalott

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me I was busy all day helping weirdos at the bridal salon! Also today a woman's boob flopped out of the dress she was trying on and hit me in the face.

Xanthophyllippa

@The Lady of Shalott I am now envisioning a tennis ball in a sock.

sandwiches

Melis... <3 <3 <3 <3

That is all.

whateverlolawants

Did anyone ever see the Nancy Drew movies/TV shows (can't remember which) from the 70s? My mom borrowed a few from the library when I was a kid. I just remember something about tires being rolled around furtively on some secretive estate in the woods. I didn't get too into the books for some reason, but my mom loved them as a kid.

ironhoneybee

@whateverlolawants UM yes they are amazing go right now and watch them on Netflix. The show was set up as a weird share/trade off with the TV version of the Hardy Boys, starring teen beat heartthrobs Parker Stevenson and Sean Cassidy. Excellent theme song/into, and top notch 70s guest stars like Paul Williams. Completely win/win.

ironhoneybee

@ironhoneybee Also? Excellent 70s fashion, for the mens and the womens both.

ironhoneybee

@ironhoneybee This one time? Nancy gets a job at a carnival. She wears a shitton of denim in that episode.

wee_ramekin

@ironhoneybee LOLing at/with you re: your responses on this thread.

ironhoneybee

@wee_ramekin Fine, fine, but watch this and tell me it's not true!

Ivona Poyntz@twitter

Used to love Nancy Drew books

irma la douce

Longtime Hairpin reader here finally de-lurking to say NANCY DREW. NANCY. DREW. Such a huge part of my childhood and the coolest girl sleuth ever. I mean, where else would young readers learn how to escape from being bound and gagged in an abandoned airplane by finagling a lipstick out of a purse and writing "S.O.S" on the plane window (backwards) with it?

This totally made my day at work and confirmed my long-held suspicions that Ned might have been the most bland boyfriend ever. Does anyone remember the "updated"/crappy paperback versions from the 90s where they always talked about Nancy and Ned's Serious Relationship Problems? (eew)

Tafadhali

I have a thing where even though I grew up reading all the books and have never watched the 1970s TV show, I cannot make it all the way through anything Nancy Drew without suddenly imagining everything in my dad's aunt's voice, because she was the replacement!Nancy on the show.

(This is usually worst at Yuletide when I get halfway through some fic where she's making out with Frank Hardy and then go, "AUNT JANET!")

(I wonder if there are fandom wars about the two Nancys.)

So. This was hilarious, but got only more so when suddenly I was imagining my great-aunt texting about George's horrid murder of Bess. As you do.

#veryspecificproblems

Courtney

PLEASE do texts from Little House on the Prairie next!!!!

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