Monday, August 27, 2012


Milklear Fission

Once upon a time in a faraway land called The Midwest there lived a mean little girl named Barista. Each morning, a lovely and kind woman came to Barista, begging for some warm milk and espresso. "But not too warm," the woman would plead, for she believed if Barista warmed the milk above 120 degrees, its calories would increase. And each morning Barista obliged, but mocked the woman in her head, and also out loud to anyone who would listen.

Years went by and something tragic probably happened to the woman — who knows, she was pretty old to begin with — but Barista often thought of her, particularly when folks in the news would make ridiculous scientific claims. "That reminds me of the 'heat creates calories' lady! Haha, calories are energy and you can't create energy." Ah, so Barista reads the news? Sure, sometimes. And today she owes that lovely, kind, and possibly dead woman an apology. (Sort of. I mean, it would be more cut and dry had she ordered a sweet potato or meat, but still. Sorry.)

Elsewhere: eggs.

36 Comments / Post A Comment

Nicole Cliffe

Oh, lady :(


It turned out amazing! Thank you@k


I'm just going to tell everyone the reason I put cold milk in my coffee is not because of laziness/not wanting to burn my mouth, but because I am more concerned with nutrition, and don't you want to be healthy, like me?

**sips coffee, looks superior**


Interesting article! But I'm sceptical about the "Russians have longer intestines" thing, since it seems like it's from the same era of science as those eugenics inspired skull measurement studies, which were hardly a model of scientific rigor, or anything besides the prejudices of the scientists.


@darklingplain I was researching eugenics for my supervisor this summer and that is 100% what this is. Also, eugenics was obsessed with controlling pregnant women. Parallels today?


I'm sure if we gave mice enough cooked steak they'd figure it out.


@Megano! I'd be concerned, though, about their eventual world domination if they become carnivorous.


@Ophelia Oh yeah, we definitely would all be dead


@Megano! Who has two thumbs and a new, scientific reason to prefer her steak rare? This girl.


Can we please make up our minds about coffee and eggs? I'm tired of being anxious about the first things I think about in the morning.


@MoonBat I love coffee and eggs so much, and I live in fear that Bloomberg will go after them now that he's slain the beasts of trans fats and giant sodas.


@MoonBat pretty sure there's no such thing as making up our minds and deciding once and for all if coffee/eggs/etc is good or bad for us because food doesn't fall into hard-line categories. Pretty much all food has some stuff that's good for you and some stuff that (in excess/for people with certain conditions) is bad for you.

ETA: except coffee, which is not food but magic tasty wake-up liquid.


@SockHopBop He can pry my coffee from my cold, dead hands.


@SockHopBop I will gladly give up all of the sodas, and even try to read all of the labels and avoid trans fats, if I can keep my coffee and eggs.

Beatrix Kiddo

@MoonBat I've made up my mind: coffee and eggs stay.


@Beatrix Kiddo Yesssss.
Me, too.


@entangled Hey, I don't know if you heard, but this is the internet! Your reasonable approach to food isn't welcome.


@MoonBat If my coffee kills me, I will consider it an honor.


All I know is that this pregnant lady is fucking DYING without her daily cappuccino.


@hands_down aren't you allowed to have like, a half-caff one? **looks around in panic, reconsiders having children**


@hands_down Awww, I did not give up all coffee, just cut down to one big cup a day. And all five of my batlings are super smart and healthy and grew very tall.


@MoonBat Aw, good to know! I might reconsider. It's just that I'm still in the first trimester and I know you're supposed to be extra careful.


@hands_down Definitely moderation, definitely. I was careful in that I didn't overindulge, but a cup of coffee a day or a glass or two of wine/beer a week is not unhealthy. If you're eating well and staying active (I still lifted weights while pregnant but stopped doing squats in the 3rd trimester), then you're being a good mommy.


@MoonBat Thanks, lady.


@hands_down Drink the coffee now! If you breastfeed later it will keep the baby awake, so for god's sake enjoy it while you can. It is fine, I promise!


@hands_down lady. you are growing a human. do what you need to do. (/no kids)


I used to agonize over the calories I felt I was inhaling when I smelled tasty food or drink. Life is too full of stuff to worry about all the stuff.


I'm not worrying about the calories in my afternoon cupcake today. I have already worked them off banging my head against my desk.


That was one of the only things I really liked about The Wind-Up Girl was the interesting talk about calories and work and how focused the consumption of food was toward the ability to do more labor. The rest of it was bollocks, though.


@frigwiggin Also, someone is going to run wild with that nut thing, just you watch.


@frigwiggin That book made me feel quite stupid. I could not really follow what was going on in it.


@dale It's not just you, buddy.


I like to pronounce it "Milkular"


@Ophelia It's a perfectly cromulent pronunciation.


@Exene Our little walking liberry


ugh that scientific american article is just bringing up weird eating thoughts in my head.

"so if I eat cassava, I can be full but not ingest as many calories"
"only 128 out of 170 calories for almonds, eh?"

and other terrible thoughts.

But on the other hand, I've always rejected the idea that eggs were bad for you. They come out of a chicken! They're natural! om nom nom.

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