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Thursday, August 16, 2012

155

Law & Order: Special Pie Charts Unit

Previously: What Are We Doing Now That Birth Control Is Free?

Ann Friedman is clearing her Google search history and burning her journal.



155 Comments / Post A Comment

katiemcgillicuddy

I have no idea which one of these wins, but they are all serious and terrible options.

PistolPackinMama

@katiemcgillicuddy This is my favorite, and after the birth control one, that's saying something.

Nicole Cliffe

I work for the damn site, and whenever I see one of these in the queue, I get all wriggly with excitement. She's so funny!

katiemcgillicuddy

I never thought I'd look forward to pie charts with such giddiness.

TheDragon

I was embarrassingly convinced that this added up to more than 100%.
My summer brain atrophy is complete.

TheDragon

I'm also pretty sure that "Pantsless, in bed with entire pizza" IS how I will be found dead.

Bloodrocuted

@The Kendragon
Heck, that's how I'm found Tuesday.

Really counting on my cat to eat my face and dental records off.

TheDragon

@Bloodrocuted I just really hate pants. And really love pizza

sony_b

@The Kendragon A former (well duh) boss of mine was found that way.

PistolPackinMama

@The Kendragon And bed. I love bed.

But crucially, I might be found pantsless, with an empty pizza box, in bed.

whateverlolawants

@sony_b How did those details get out?

sony_b

@whateverlolawants He lived near the office and one of my co-workers went by to check on him after he missed a meeting, which was not something he ever did. His door was unlocked and she found him like that, and then came back to the office screaming about it.

katiemcgillicuddy

@The Kendragon Which, really, who NEEDS pants? Who DOESN'T need pizza? And I hope if you are found this way, it isn't with an entire pizza, it's with a half-eaten pizza. I mean, I hope you get a few slices in.

TheDragon

@katiemcgillicuddy Well, I'm pretty sure by the time they find me it will be empty. I do have a rather large dog who is basically a stomach on legs...
But I really hope I get at least two slices before death.

contrary

@The Kendragon "I just really hate pants. And really love pizza."

A woman after my own heart.

TheDragon

@contrary Pantsless Pizza Partakers, Unite!

Xanthophyllippa

@contrary Triplets!

I actually think "pantsless in bed with an entire pizza" is the least embarrassing option here. But I'm also convinced that the "Call Me Maybe" one IS in fact how I'll be found dead. The only divergence is that the the laptop might instead be auto-playing the entire "Hell's Kitchen" corpus on Hulu.

TheDragon

@Xanthophyllippa God mine would be whichever terrible "Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad" series is currently on Hulu. I have excellent taste in lounging clothes and food. My taste in TV is highly questionable.

j-furr

@The Kendragon I think there needs to be a Pantsless Pizza Party

TheDragon

@j-furr I second this motion!

katiemcgillicuddy

@The Kendragon Thirded, also, I think I'm going to write-in vote for the Pantless Pizza Party in November. That's a platform I can get behind.

TARDIStime

@The Kendragon pantsless pinup!

whateverlolawants

@sony_b That is really crazy.

D.@twitter

@katiemcgillicuddy Exactly. Pants just make us feel guilty for pushing against their waistbands. STOP SHAMING US, PANTS.

jacqueline
jacqueline

You've tapped into my GREATEST FEAR

maybe partying will help

how so accurate though

maybe partying will help

Now considering ways in which it is likely I will die.

Heart attack on the couch, LOTR DVD menu looping endlessly, one hand in a jar of Nutella.

Aneurysm at the comic shop from trying to move boxes full of back issues.

Literally ragequitting the mortal coil after reading Cracked comments one times too many?

PistolPackinMama

@maybe partying will help

Face down in a pile of paper scraps, a to do list that involves tasks so long overdue they need no longer be done in hand.

Having keeled over from frustration and vinegar fumes while trying to clean out my coffee maker so my beverages don't turn out tasting muddy every fourth pot.

Minutes before sitting down to (finally) eat the home grown tomato I was saving for lunch.

In a firefight, after trying to steal the Hoxne Hoard body chain from the British Museum.

double paw?

@maybe partying will help LOVE that it's "one hand in a jar of Nutella" and not "jar of Nutella in one hand". i salute you.

double paw?

this is making me realize i don't do enough eating of pizza pantsless in bed.

Xanthophyllippa

@double paw? I believe a Hairpin Pantsless Pizza Sleepover could take care of that.

Cat named Virtute

GUYS. FOR REAL. WHERE IS JOLIE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?

Reginal T. Squirge

Well, it is Negroni season.

PistolPackinMama

@Reginal T. Squirge And she's probably doing really well catching Negronis that are on the "keep" side of the catch and release size limits.

whizz_dumb

@PistolPackinMama In the lake I fish in (kitchen), all the Negronis are actually mutated (gin heavy, vermouth lite) Negronis born big enough to keep (guzzle).

PistolPackinMama

@whizz_dumb What KIND OF MADNESS IS YOUR KITCHEN-LAB?

(And do you have trouble with poachers?)

olivebee

I constantly think about this (probably from watching too much SVU), as well as thinking about rooms I am in being bugged and how whoever listening is probably laughing at/making fun of me for talking about such weird things. (Ex: the other day, my husband and I were trying to imitate the sound those tube thingies make - the ones where you flip them over and they go from this high groaning noise to a lower one and vice versa).

With the death thing, though, it's not usually about how I will be found dead, so much as what the investigators will find when they go through my drawers and black-light the room and stuff. A lot of old cat puke stains that I tried to scrub out of the carpet, probably.

Poubelle

@olivebee Yeah, I worry about what people will find, too. I really hope my hard drive dies the exact same time I do.

(NOTE TO HARD DRIVE: KEEP IT TOGETHER BABY, WE AIN'T DYING YET.)

iknowright

"I would think that a single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment."

@iknowright "Ever since I turned 30, when I get out of the bathtub I say to myself 'careful, careful!'"

Pygmalion

haha I am fully planning on burning my journals before I kick the bucket.

Cat named Virtute

But nail scissors all the way! Kitchen scissors are horrifyingly too big.

annlf

@Cat named Virtute this is why it is such a horrifying way to be found! kitchen scissors are wholly inappropriate.

Jinxie

@annlf Yet, still better than garden shears.

Judith Slutler

@Cat named Virtute Nail scissors seem way too sharp to me.

Have yet to find the proper pubic grooming scissors.

Killerpants

@Emmanuelle Cunt I have this perfect pair of mini-sewing/craft scissors. Not too big, not too small. Great pubic trimmers.

social theory

@Emmanuelle Cunt i had the perfect ones...but they were taken from my carry-on at heathrow. my summer mission now is finding another pair.

Cat named Virtute

@Emmanuelle Cunt They are definitely sharper than I'd like, but I have a pair that I've tried to dull the tip of, and I just go slowww.

PistolPackinMama

@Cat named Virtute I haven't actually used kitchen scissors for lady jungle trimming, because I use them to cut up chickens and I like having guests.

But.

I can tell you that having a dedicated pair of scissors bigger than nail scissors for your pantyforest topiary... can be injurious.

My friend told me this.

PistolPackinMama

@social theory And... I really hope whoever took them is using them to, I dunno, snip licorice whips into nibble-able bites or something. And not that they went into a huge security disposal box... that would be SUCH a waste.

Cat named Virtute

@PistolPackinMama omg pantyforest. Using that FOREVER.

social theory

@PistolPackinMama i can only pray that i have accumulated enough karma points to cash in for something as wondrous as that!

contrary

@Cat named Virtute
nail scissors: too small!
kitchen scissors: too big! (scary!)
bang trimming scissors: just right!
I feel like pube goldilocks.

Cat named Virtute

@contrary BANG TRIMMING SCISSORS! Tell me more!

Xanthophyllippa

@PistolPackinMama "Did you like that chicken? Did you? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HID IN THERE??"

meetapossum

@Cat named Virtute Shears, lady! You don't even need these pricey ones. Go to a pharmacy and get yourself a pair or two for all your bang/pube trimming needs!

HeyThatsMyBike

@contrary I am also a bang scissors devotee.

j-furr

@HeyThatsMyBike Yes, agree, I use my goodey hair cutting scissors, just omit telling my manfriend when I cut his hair.

contrary

@Cat named Virtute I get them at the dollar store (in a 2 pack, one for pubes, one for bangs! I even labeled them). I've seen the goody ones at rite aid for ~$6. They are the perfect size for pubes.

I bought this schick razor with a buzzy trimmer on one end recently to try and make my lady grooming more efficient. I would not recommend.

PistolPackinMama

@contrary If only you'd left "trimmer" off "buzzy trimmer on one end" and then said "does not make more efficient."

That would have made me laugh in my office.

As it is, very practical advice. Those things aren't great in my experience.

mangosara

@all This is the part where I tell you guys all to buy a $10 beard trimmer/electric razor (I got this one ) and just trim up over the toilet! It takes five minutes! Short but not not too short! The one I linked to requires an outlet but it never needs to chaaaaarge DO IT

PistolPackinMama

@mangosara speaking of potentially tragic deaths, the words "outlet" "beard trimmer" "pubes" and "toilet" just sound like a Darwin award waiting to happen.

(I am sure you would never kill yourself in an accidental and undignified manner with a beard trimmer. But still, since we are on the subject.)

mangosara

@PistolPackinMama I think about what would happen if I accidentally drop the thing in the toilet literally every.single.time I use it. but STILL WORTH IT!

Xanthophyllippa

@PistolPackinMama Well, that made me laugh out loud. With food in my mouth, even. ("10% With a mouth full of half-chewed caprese panini and the laptop open to The Hairpin")

eiffeldesigns

I was just talking about this with my girlfriends last night! The Law & Order episode based on my murder would be fabulous. So many suspects since everyone I know has a key to my place. And they'd find my OKCupid account and be astounded at how many boys I've brought home in the last six months. It could be anyone!

But when my body was found, instead of pizza, though, it'd be chips and salsa.

TheDragon

@Kirs Pizza, chips, salsa, pickles, ice cream, and zebra cakes. Also, possibly my grey sweats that I can fit my entire body into one leg (aka ELEPHANT SWEATS), if it's too cold to be pantsless.

No. I'm not pregnant. Why do you ask?

camanda

@Kirs It would make a perfect Lennie Briscoe-era episode. Think of all the wisecracks about food!

withatwist

A ZzzQuil overdose is 100% how I will die.
I was the most gleeful the first time I saw it at Target. I buy the bottle because a whole pill leaves me groggy in the morning.

lisma

Oh the things they'll find in my internet history.
Ohhhhhhhhhh the thiiiiiiiiings.

PistolPackinMama

@ginalouise Erase... or never be able to find that one site again. Erase... or never be able to find that one site again...

Xanthophyllippa

@ginalouise I have an agreement with a friend that if she dies suddenly, I will sneak into her house before her parents arrive, steal all her computers, and wipe them by placing them next to the campus cyclotron. We figure that should do it.

whateverlolawants

@Xanthophyllippa I read something about some guys having an agreement to take each other's porn if one of them dies, so their families don't have to deal with it. There may even be a term for that. I have a drawer that has a note on top saying that only my sister, boyfriend, or best friend should deal with that drawer if it "needs cleaning out" (AKA, I die.)

NiceDress

@whateverlolawants I read something like that too -- that in case of death, it's a best friend's responsibility to immediately clear your internet history.

Oh, just googled, found this: http://www.demotivation.us/leaving-house-1267098.html

Mira

Parking garages, you guys. Never go in the parking garage!

Mira

@Mira OR THE RAMBLE. EVERYONE DIES IN THE RAMBLE.

Katiesaurous

@Mira Ug, dont I know it. I leave my car in an underground parking garage while I work each day. And to get to the garage, I walk through about two blocks of underground tunnel that has lots of twists and turns. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and around the corner, filled with the dread of knowing there's probably a murderer around the corner.

whateverlolawants

@Katiesaurous Your garage sounds even worse than mine. At least mine is above ground... ugh. I reattached my pepper spray keychain to my purse because of it. Not that pepper spray will help if I find a body.

RK Fire

Headfirst into a bowl of a standard box's worth of stovetop mac and cheese, wearing only a bathrobe, with Skyrim blaring in the background.

Scandyhoovian

@RK Fire This is my death as well. And someone would undoubtedly note the two-week growth of leg hair and chipped toenail polish that was obviously applied 3 months ago and allowed to deteriorate through multiple clippings.

RK Fire

@Scandyhoovian: You too?!? I also have one toenail that is missing nail polish because I tripped on a rock while wearing sandals and manage to scour all of the nail polish off of it. All of the other toenails are painted.

Scandyhoovian

@RK Fire I'm AWFUL with toenail polish - I put it on once and then let it go until it's either half grown-off or half chipped away due to violent flip-flopping or something and then I'll finally give in and remove/replace it.

For some reason I'm way less lazy with my fingernails, it's really weird.

PistolPackinMama

@RK Fire OH MY DOG YOU ARE MY PEOPLE. Come over and put your badly painted scruffy toes on my coffee table and your butts on my couch and let's watch Olympic boxing/ The Due South back catalog/ Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and drink Fentimen's Lemonade, gin, and lime.

I had that toe scour thing happen this month with sand while canoeing!

--or I could just quit being creepy on the internet--

Scandyhoovian

@PistolPackinMama I WILL BE RIGHT THERE. Just as soon as I finish this half-gallon of ice cream and my Hell's Kitchen catch-up marathon...

Xanthophyllippa

@PistolPackinMama I'm coming too! Because right now the middle of each big toenail is painted, with varying degrees of chippery from mildly chipped to completely missing on the rest from walking around in the sand. I have three gorgeous long fingernails and seven that are all different lengths from being chewed, snagged on my own hair, and/or ripped off trying to raise the storm window.

We will, by prior arrangement, skip the second Indiana Jones movie.

Atheist Watermelon

@PistolPackinMama i can go you guys one better- both of my middle toenails are COMPLETELY MISSING because of this beautiful yet surreptitiously evil pair of adorable Coach sandals that fucking made my middle toenails turn black and fall off. what, they were on sale

Lucienne

Stroke brought on while trying to open second bottle of tonic water.

Creature Cheeseman

:( Its funny because it's true.

BornSecular

I think being found dead in the feminine hygiene aisle would be no big deal for me. I mean, every girl needs those goods at some point. The other ones though....

planforamiracle

@BornSecular I don't know, I had a pretty hard time in the feminine hygiene aisle at Shoppers Drug Mart last night when I got caught mostly unprepared whilst at the home of a fella I am kinda seeing. Something about have been able to avoid it for YEARS (because of being a 8+ year divacup user and buying my organic cotton panty liners at the health food store, god I'm a hippie, sorry), combined with being in the drugstore late at night after many drinks and a snuggly evening in, the astonishing multitude of brightly-coloured options, the store's fluorescent lighting and the depressing music... if not for my fortitude and laser-like focus ("what are the ones designed by a woman gynecologist, again?") I mighta croaked!!

Judith Slutler

@planforamiracle Umm, yeah, this year when I was going to a festival and knew my period would be incoming, I decided to just buy tampons instead of futzing around with my Diva Cup (because really, porta-potties...) and I ended up buying these ENORMOUS ob's. Everything worked out fine, but those suckers were huge. Big enough that when a drunk Swedish girl wandered up and asked me if I had a tampon, she looked a little nervous about taking one from me!

whateverlolawants

@Emmanuelle Cunt I, too, have had a Swedish woman ask me for a tampon. She and her husband came in and asked me when I was working at a non-tampon-selling store, but they didn't know the English word, so they just used the Swedish word: tampon. And I told them it was called that in English too, we laughed, and I gave her one from the staff bathroom.

PistolPackinMama

@planforamiracle Okay... OKAY. The Kotex brand ones. That come in the black box? And have super colorful wrappers?

I love them! I usually don't depart from OB tampons and always with wings because or diva cup, because really. It's maxi pads.

But GUYS! The colors are cool. But the DESIGNS ON THE PADS THEMSELVES! Like, the quilting from the super-absorbent-mystery-material they put in super thins? Actually? So pretty! There are Arabesque ones, and ones that seriously look like they've been drawn from Haitian drum designs. And floral medieval looking ones.

Whoever was the graphic design team for those maxis really does deserve a design award. AND they do as good a job of actually absorbing things as any other brand I've used.

I am enthusing about maxi pads. But these are really interesting ones!

contrary

@PistolPackinMama I feel like kind of an idiot buying them, because it's like "here is my mysterious sleek black box, is it full of pantyliners? is it full of expensive chocolate? it's soo designy you can't tell, i'm no longer ashamed of my period." but they work so well! And I didn't realize every box had different wrapper designs in it, so I got super excited when I opened I new one recently. And they are so thin! they're like little sheets of air.

EternalFootwoman

@planforamiracle I was on vacation last week when my recently-irregular period decided to come. I was left standing in an unfamiliar grocery store looking for a tampon that is non-scented (I mean, really? Gross. BV in a box.) and doesn't come in a pack of forty because I know I'll only use six.

PistolPackinMama

@contrary Yeah, I figure that the sleek chocolate-or-pads box doesn't fool anyone. It is THE TELLING SIZE!

BUT! MARKETING IDEA Gourmet chocolates on one side of the sleek black box... and really excellent, functional maxi pads on the other.

"Honey! Can you stop at CVS on the way back from getting the kids and grab me a box of the ultra-thins with marzipan?" "Sure! You don't want After Eight Mints and mediums?" "Nah, I have some left from last month. Thanks though!"

@planforamiracle-- Scented pads and tampons are past gross. Yuck.

faience

@PistolPackinMama My roommate (who is a guy) bought me some on sale once because even he finds them so distinctive and I think he feels bad since I am so eternally poor and he has a real job. I didnt ask why he was in that aisle but I wasnt going to complain.

BornSecular

@Emmanuelle Cunt I don't know what the Diva Cup is, and OB tampons scare me! I like the idea of less packaging, but no applicator??? At least these days it's not even an issue. Since I've been on the Mirena IUD, I hardly even have periods, and they're so light I can get away with the light pads.

But, @PistolPackinMama those sound interesting! If I ever run out of my econo-size pack of off brand ones, I may look for those.

planforamiracle

@PistolPackinMama it's awesome that there are cool/elegant/lovely looking options! But when taken together, all in a row on the shelf, the overall effect was... bewildering.

@BornSecular the diva cup is a reusable silicone menstrual cup. it catches your flow and then you dump it out in the toilet. for me, switching to it was life-altering. (but my evangelizing about it ends here.) It may not be for you if you're uncomfortable with non-applicator tampons.

Xanthophyllippa

@PistolPackinMama Suzanne Westenhoefer used to have a routine she did on scented tampons and how they're unnecessary because "if you're down there, it's pretty much by choice."

contrary

@PistolPackinMama you should pitch this to Kotex, I would totally buy the marzipan kind. Would the maripan/chocolate/candy be shaped like the other products? (please say yes).

georgette hair

@planforamiracle I have a question as a non-US resident: do most tampons come with applicators there? I never use them, and hardly any of the brands we have here have them.

whateverlolawants

@unknown ajax Yes, most US brands have applicators. The only regularly available brand that doesn't is OB, as far as I know. And oddly, although I've tried most menstrual products out there (silicone cups, "one-time use" cups, cloth pads, regular pads, tampons), I've never used a non-applicator tampon. Bucket list?

Tropical Iceland

@whateverlolawants
Not-even bucket list. I've been using non applicator tampons for a while now and they're the best. Once you get comfortable with the act of putting something in your vag, which can be helpful in other contexts anyway, it's no more difficult. They end up being cheaper and it's really nice to be able to just stick a bunch in your pocket and not worry.

babs

@PistolPackinMama Y'all gotta start buying organic, unbleached tampons and pads. Bleached cotton has dioxin in it, which is super toxic and cancer causing and should never go near your lady bits! I check the drugstore aisle every now and agan to see if any of the mainstream brands have finally cottoned (heh) on to this, but they haven't.

applestoapples

Laughing alone with salad?

Lucienne

@applestoapples Failing to drink water.

Xanthophyllippa

@Lucienne AKA "drowning."

Aubergines

Is it bad that I actually screen my facebook profile pictures with the knowledge that if I die/am abducted/get arrested, that will be the photo used by the news?

In case I lapse with this, I have instructed my husband to alter my profile pic first thing on hearing of my death/arrest/abduction.

Faintly Macabre

@Aubergines My current profile photo has someone pointing a knife at my throat. I would love to see the news use that!*

*Please do not arrest/murder/kidnap me, whoever reads this.

KrakDaddy

@Aubergines my profile photo is a picture of me holding what looks like a bloddy heart and is actually a stocking full of berry seeds that I was straining, berry juice dripping down my hand, and I'm pretending to eat it. It looks like something out of True Blood. I really hope they use that photo upon my death or arrest. Abduction, not so much - people might be afraid to look for me :(

Aubergines

@KrakDaddy you see? you need to look adorable, innocent, and totally worth saving.
But your pic sounds awesome, and I wouldn't be able to resist it. What did you make with the berries?

KrakDaddy

@Aubergines Berry sauce for a chocolate cheesecake! It was my contribution to valentines day dinner and it was wonderful. And yielded an appropriately macabre valentines day profile photo update.

Judith Slutler

Heart attack while cleaning the bathroom in hospital scrub pants and my t-shirt that says DICKS on it. This American Life playing in the background. Jumbo size bag of baking soda in one hand, bottle of vinegar in the other.

The autopsy will find that my legs are unshaven and I could REALLY use a pedicure

planforamiracle

@Emmanuelle Cunt aaahhhh a woman after my own heart. My version is the exact same except that instead of a heart attack, I'd have had a concussion/coma from slipping and hitting my head on the beautiful-but-deadly clawfooted tub.
Also not wearing clothes (maybe panties and a t shirt.) And Radiolab instead of TAL. But otherwise, identical.

whateverlolawants

@Emmanuelle Cunt What's the story behind the DICKS shirt?

Cat Jail

You're looking at pictures of your ex with their new girlfriend on Facebook. Adele is playing, you're crying. The sobs cause a piece of the cookie you're eating to lodge in your throat. You start to choke. You lunge towards the phone, but it's too late. You slump forward, head onto the mouse.

Like.

Princess Slayer

Well I wasn't afraid of these until NOW.

HeyThatsMyBike

I am also worried that the people discussing my death (presumably a cop and some series of acquaintances) will be walking quickly, unpacking boxes, or moving stacks of papers while they discuss my being dead, totally unphased.
"Oh, HeyThatsMyBike? Yeah I knew 'er. Nice lady. Always friendly. Came in here last Tuesday to buy wine, popchips, tampons, and a brick of cheese. Real shame what happened to 'er. But I don't know why you think you need to talk to me about it."

Mira

@HeyThatsMyBike "We done?" [jerks thumb over shoulder] "I got a thing."

Then Lennie Briscoe makes a dark pun about you. Chung-chung.

HeyThatsMyBike

@Mira EXACTLY! Hellooooo I'm dead over here, you assholes!

PistolPackinMama

@HeyThatsMyBike Just wait till everyone finds out how much the woman in the cubicle next to you hated you for your re-heated curry leftover lunches.

LB: So wait a minute. You are saying you nursed a grudge against her because she liked butter chicken?

LADY: Yes! I was the one sending her the threatening messages that looked like they were from barnyard fowl activists!

LB: And you didn't think it was important to tell us this?

LADY: NO! I didn't think it was relevant And I knew you would suspect me!

LB: *eye roll*

Then the really good looking guy from the American Prime Suspect who is Black and speaks Spanish is mysteriously in the show because I love him so much and whyyyyy did it get cancelled, why why why? And he also rolls his eyes and mutters something about Cubicle Lady needing culinary lessons.

iknowright

@PistolPackinMama I loved that show too! I think it died because America hates lady cops who dress like men and don't try to be sexy and are mean? Like, I love The Closer too but I think it lasted longer because of Brenda's southern charm and fancy dresses, but being a bitch was only appealing to the rest of us who kind of want to be allowed to be successful in life while not having to be nice to people who don't deserve it? And most of us who feel that way are women? Does that make sense?

Also NBC sucks. That is the more succinct answer.

Atheist Watermelon

@PistolPackinMama oooh, i saw that beautiful man being bothered by a very excited fan in the West Village a couple of months ago... he is so beautiful... fwoaargghh

Genghis Khat

The pizza one is just statistically likely given how much time I spend in that state.

martinipie

I am much more convinced I will FIND a horribly dead body than be the body myself because of crime shows. Opening my gym locker? BODY. Turning a corner into an alleyway? BODY. Parking area of any sort whatsoever at any time of day? BODY.

sony_b

@martinipie Me too. Hasn't happened yet, but my BF and I spent about a year househunting, and one of the places we looked at was a foreclosure that had a giant (like 10-person) hot tub in the back yard. I walked up to it and said something like "if this was Bones, there'd be a body in there." And then I lifted the lid - it was full of lumpy plant debris and rust colored algae. BF (30 years old, 6'5, former linebacker) screamed like a six year old girl and ran away. Our realtor and I laughed and laughed.

meetapossum

@martinipie Everytime I take the train from NYC back to Jersey to visit my parents, I am CONVINCED I am going to see a body floating in the swamp outside Newark.

EternalFootwoman

@martinipie In college, I was leaving the house to run when one of my roommates said, "You know, dead bodies are always found by runners and hikers. That's why I'm playing video games." I still think about that every morning when I'm running.

faience

@martinipie I need to stop falling asleep to those crime shows because they do horrible things to my brain. Hence my roommate didnt call and tell me that he had tripped over a shoe one night I was alway for the weekend (he was drunk) and smashed his head into one of our huge and very old (think late 1890s) windows putting a head-sized hole in it. Fortunately we have a thick cloth windowshade over the whole thing so he was dazed but unharmed. He also set a pizza box on fire a couple nights ago with a stove burner. Finding him dead is one of my greatest fears at times.

office of the carver@twitter

@martinipie I didn't actually find the body (an early-rising neighbor going for a run had that honor), but a few years ago, there was a dead body in the driveway of my apartment building.

I, of course, was clueless, when someone was pounding on my door. It was a detective, curious when I went to bed, if I heard anything etc etc. I was not concerned until he said, "You have nothing to worry about, ma'am. You're safe."

What? I didn't think I wasn't safe until he said that.

Dum dum.

PS, the person was not killed in my driveway. The body was just dumped there. I guess that's better?

Xanthophyllippa

@martinipie I have two friends who have found dead bodies. One of them even found two.

@EternalFootwoman Collegiate rowing teams and kayakers are also on the "likely to find a body" list. I think every crew has a story about someone in recent memory smacking a corpse in the head with their oarblade.

frigwiggin

This is why I don't jog.

noodge

allergic anaphylaxis after inserting a contraceptive nettle pessary?

Xanthophyllippa

@teenie I'm betting that if you looked up "contraceptive nettle pessary" in the Surgeon General's Index Catalogue, you could actually find a clinical report of that. Probably from about 1823.

Sensory Homoncula

@teenie sado-botany-- constant warnings DO NOT USE THE NETTLE TREE!!

whizz_dumb

It's not how I'm found that scares me, it's the items in my closet that will be found. No(!) not like gross perverted or murderous things, like horrible teenage writings (love letters, poems) and embarrassingly bad artworks.

EternalFootwoman

@whizz_dumb I used to keep my embarrassing teenage writings in an envelope marked "Burn IMMEDIATELY upon my death!!!!!" Then I realized that I would totally open and read that envelope if I found it.

j-furr

@EternalFootwoman Yeah, it needs to say: Family Photos from Gull Lake 1997, or Aunt Agatha's church picnic & flower Show....

Genghis Khat

@j-furr All my filthy pics on my computer are in a file called "2004 taxes."

Danzig!

In all seriousness it will probably happen when I'm living alone and I eat rice without chewing it enough, as one does. At this point my esophageal muscles are strong enough to (after much terrible pain) force down the sticky lumps but one day, they will fail me.

Faintly Macabre

Wearing underwear with holes in it. Whenever I wear a pair (which NEVER happens!), I imagine collapsing in the street and every single person in the hospital saying, "Jeez, what a slob. I bet she wasn't getting any!"

...I should probably go buy new underwear.

Mira

@Faintly Macabre Girl, you are singing my life with your words. I always have it in the back of my mind that I hope I die near the beginning of my laundry cycle.

Cat named Virtute

@Faintly Macabre Ugh, like that awful scene in Girls where the guys are going through Hannah's stuff and Ray (that's his name, right?) thinks he's found crotchless panties, and then he realizes they are just holes.

j-furr

@Faintly Macabre this is the perfect excuse to justify a fancy panty buying spree!

Genghis Khat

@Faintly Macabre Not to add to your worry, but I guess to do exactly that: my parents are both ER docs, and they both stressed that one should always wear non scary underwear because you are judged and mocked.

Faintly Macabre

@Genghis Khat Ooh, can they rank underwear for me so I know what to buy in case of my eventual ER visit? Like, is a brand-new polyester thong with "Sexy Baby" written in rhinestones more or less acceptable than 5-year-old cotton Hanes hipsters? If you're a nevernude, are they grateful for you sparing their eyes, or do they have to saw through all that denim?

orangeyouglad

Ann Friedman is just the best.

camanda

I've actually actively avoided watching the "Kung Fu Kapers" episode of The Goodies to date because I don't want to die during it. That's probably what's going to happen to me -- I will be found on my couch, face frozen in gleeful expression, as a comedy marathon plays on the TV. I will have Cheez Doodle dust on my hands and be wearing men's pajama pants with glow-in-the-dark sheep on them. Glamorous.

Either that or I will have an aneurysm at work after the ten thousandth customer tries to use "But it's in the catalog!!" as their trump card in an argument with me. Unfortunately this milestone is rapidly approaching.

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