Eat something delicious this weekend! We'll see you back here on Monday...
shrimp, open thread
I want to cut my hair short but I've never had hair shorter than a chin-length bob so I'm not sure what to do. I was hoping some of you wonderful 'Pinners could help steer me in the right direction because most of you know way more about hair than I do. :)
About my hair:
It's slightly wavy and very fine. It doesn't hold styles well, so I do best with wash-and-go hairstyles. It tends to get oily, so wispy bangs are no good. I have blunt-cut bangs now, but I've let them grow a bit to keep my options open. They're about pupil length now, and the rest is just below the shoulder, so any
About my ability/patience:
I'm definitely Bad At Hair and don't want to spend a lot of time fussing with it in the morning. Very low maintenance is essential. The haircuts I've had in my adult life have usually not required anything more than towel-drying, parting, and combing/brushing. Currently I blow-dry my bangs and half-assedly blow-dry the rest of my hair. I don't know if I have the patience for anything more than that. I would prefer not to have to use product, but might be open to something minimal and easy to use if necessary. Also, I'm sort of OCD so if I have to put much work into styling my hair I will obsess over it and get upset when it doesn't do what it's supposed to (which is almost always) and be sad all day because I'm stuck with weird hair.
About my style:
I like soft and natural styles. I don't want something boy-short, nor do I want something too feminine or fancy, as I'm generally a plain t-shirt and jeans kind of gal. Oh, and as much as I like the look of sideswept bangs, they drive me crazy so they're a no-go. Also, nothing too scene-y because I'm 38 and that would just look ridiculous (though if I were young again I would be all over that).
About my face:
I've looked at lots of short haircuts online and there's one thing they all have in common: they all have tiny skinny pixie faces. But that's not essential with short hair, is it? My face is oval-shaped and not skinny but not fat either. I've got a little extra under-the-chin fat but not a double chin and not enough to obscure my jawline. I also wear glasses.
My apologies for making this so long. I hope someone can help, thanks!
@jen325 Look at pictures of Ashley Judd, who totally ROCKS the short hair non-fussy style, AND who has a roundish face!
@jen325 I did the short hair thing and I'm trying to grow it out because I don't like messing with it. I am also slightly OCD and can't do the messy hair thing without feeling like I'm ugly (even though that's unrealistic). So...YMMV.
@jen325 Shag bob? I got one once and it was glorious. I never had to style it, and it always fell flatteringly. I've never had bangs, including when I got it, but a quick google-image search shows me that many people rock them with bangs.
@jen325 I second the Ashley Judd recommendation, as well at Ginnifer Goodwin, who has a round face and has wavy hair that she's had everything from bobbed to pixie and styled every which way.
I cut my hair pixie short about 4 years ago and haven't regretted it once, so I love recommending the chop to people, but it's worth thinking over carefully. Know how your hair behaves when it's super short—you already have bangs, so that helps!
Also, tiny pixie faces are totally not mandatory for short hairstyles. But short hair DOES show off your features, and chances are, you might be just looking at all those ladies thinking they have pixie faces, but their hair just makes 'em look like that!
@jen325 If you're feeling brave go to your hairdresser and tell them you want it shorter and low maintenance, and that they can do whatever they think will look best. It is scary! But I have been doing that for over a year now and I have never had a disaster. Also I think it's important to remember that hair does grow back.
@jen325 I will tell you what you should look at! There is this TERRIBLE new program on bravo called Gallery Girls (do not watch it) however, Chantral (who is awful, I think, again, do not watch this program) has the cutest hair: http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/cultist/2012/08/gallery_girls_episode_one_a_le.php?page=2 It's short but not tooooo short. I love it! Also, it's soft and wavy and pretty but short!
How weird - I read this as I was looking through hairstyles as I want to cut my long long hair.
@jen325 YESSSSSS. I have had every possible short cut over the past five or so years. I think the most important thing is going to a hairdresser who knows what she's doing, and who knows what YOU want. For me, needing to feel feminine is very important -- something that a bad short cut can destroy! But if you have round, soft features (...feminine features...) then most short cuts done well will be beautiful. Bringing one or two photos with you to the hairdresser can be very helpful, even if it's just a "look" that you like rather than an entire haircut. I sometimes say that I like the face framing of one haircut and the overall shape of another. It's like science on your head! Have fun!
@jen325 Oh - also, go to your city's yelp and search for who's good with short hair cuts. I did that with color, specifically red, and I've done it before too.
@Olivia2.0 I LOVE her haircut. I can't believe that other girl thought it looked bad (but told her it looked good anyway). Also this is my new favorite show
@Creature Cheeseman It's sooooooooooooooooooo terrible. I love love love her hair cut too. Something about this program just cracks me up. I think they were trying to make real-life "Girls"? I dunno, also the dichotomy between the Manhattan girls and the Brooklyn girls and how they clearly do/are being coached to hate each other is just so funny to me.
@jen325 Hair post! I love this hair. I think I need this hair. How will I wear a ponytail with this hair.
@jen325 A skinny face is definitely not necessary for a short pixie cut. I have a sort of chubby face, but everyone always says I look great with super short hair. As for not wanting boy-short or too femmy... in my opinion this is less about length and more about style. I once got a totally awful boy haircut from a cheap hairdresser who buzzed the hair directly over my ears. It was horrible. I don't know the magical science of what strands of hair cut what way make you look like a girl or not, but explain your concerns to your hairdresser.
And bring lots of pictures! A good hairdresser can talk with you about what will work, what won't, what kind of maintenance you'll need.
@jen325 you sound like my twin. Seriously, the way you describe your appearance sounds exactly like me.
@jen325 See if you can find pictures online of Chloe Sevigny's most recent cut. This is my next haircut for sure!
@jen325 You sound like me, only my hair is straight not wavy. I loved my pixie cuts for many years. I just walked in, told my hairdresser I wanted it really short and let her choose the style, and it actually worked out really well.
@jen325 Sooo... I have fine and wavy hair and I love having shortish hair cuts. However, every time I've done so it's always ended up taking more time to maintain daily and requiring some amount of product to keep it tamed. Shorter hair won't necessarily be a lower maintenance thing. I hate be a voice of dissent but (*waves hand*)this might not be the haircut you are looking for.
@jen325 I do not have a pixie face, and I've had several short hairstyles over the years. I love the ease of short hair, and lots of people have complimented my hair, even when it's not "done".
My advice would be to ask your friends / colleagues / random people on the street whose short haircuts you admire for the name of their hairdresser. That way you know you're going to someone who does short haircuts well. Be very clear about what you want and don't want (put it in writing so you don't forget something!), and don't be afraid to speak up during the haircut if you don't like what they're doing. Bring lots of pictures to give them a visual frame of reference. Also, highlights help to make a short style more "interesting". Good luck!
@jen325 I also have fine hair (but LOTS OF IT) and it's not really wavy but not straight either, and it gets oily pretty quickly. I went back and forth between a bob and long layers for years, and then in the winter I decided that I wanted it short, like, pixie short, with bangs. I figured that the worst that could happen is that it didn't look good, and then it would grow back. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous when I went in and had it all chopped off. I now have a pixie cut and I. LOVE. IT. Generally, I think short hair is a better look for me than long, but ymmv.
It sounds like a bob might be a good hairstyle for you? The great thing about bobs is that they are timeless and classic, and beautiful. They can be long or short, severely or gently asymmetrical, and they seem to work with almost all face shapes/types of hair. As long as you don't cut it too short, you won't have to worry about the most horribly awkward stage of growing it out. Are you completely averse to styling? I am not someone who wants to spend ages on my hair either (I'm never going to be one of those girls with the Pinterest type crown braids or what have you), but honestly, I have found that I feel like I look better if I blow dry and flat iron every day to get the most annoying not-curls-not-waves-not-cowlicks-why-won't-you-make-up-your-mind kinks out. With short hair, that doesn't take long, but I find it essential (you may not!).
One thing to keep in mind is that the quality of your cut does probably depend a lot on the quality of the salon. I've decided, after having a few HORRIBLE haircuts in my adolescent and adult lives, that spending money on hair is worth it. Sometimes you get what you pay for. I found a salon in my town that is reasonably priced but good, and got my long hair trimmed there before taking the plunge and going pixie.
As far as the oily/greasy thing goes, I have just resigned myself to having to wash my hair every day, and because of that, my bangs don't seem to be an issue (sometimes when I get lazy I skip a wash, though, and then things get pretty ugly).
I'm sorry for writing a book on this, but I have OPINIONS about hair. (Clearly.)
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! Everybody eat some cake and have some booze in my honor!
@anachronistique Happy birthday!! What are you doing to celebrate? I hope you have a fun weekend!
@anachronistique I have no cake, but will have some chocolate fudge ice cream in your honor. Happy Birthday!
@anachronistique YES HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
@anachronistique I have eaten nothing but cake all day and plan on getting smashed when I get home. Now it will all be in honor of this, the day of your birth!
@anachronistique Oh man what are you doing to celebrate? HOW ABOUT COMING TO HEROES ON SATURDAY FOR SOME 80s DANCING?!
IT'S A BIRTHDAY CAKE HAIRPIN
@anachronistique Happy birfday!!
@anachronistique Happy Birthday!
@anachronistique Happy Birthday! I don't really eat cake, does anyone want to trade me their booze for my cake?
@jen325 AAAAAH why is that not in my hair at this very moment?
And thank you, everybody! I am meeting friends for dinner and then seeing if anybody will help me eat the giant cake my dad brought yesterday. So much cake. CAKE.
@anachronistique Happy happy birthday! YAY FOR CAKE.
@anachronistique happy birthday! end-of-august babies are the best!
@anachronistique Happy birthday! I hope s'wonderful.
@anachronistique Happy birthday!!!!
@anachronistique happy birthday! planning on having wine tonight after my babysitting charge goes to bed; will raise a glass to you!
@anachronistique Happy birthday! Eat more cake, now, I say, faster! FASTER!
Mine was three days ago! CAKE AND BEER FOR EVERYONE!
@MoonBat Stop eyeing my martini!
@maybe partying will help MINE TOO!!! I knew we were secretly twins.
@anachronistique Happy birthday!
@Kakapo Awwwww. It was whispering to me! "driiiinnnnnnnkkkkkk meeeeeee....."
Totally not my fault.
@jen325 Where did you find that? It is so fun.
Also, happy birthday!
@anachronistique Ahh! I missed it! I hope your weekend was wonderful!
So yesterday's Pussy Riot Pie Chart inspired me to write a Cervix-A-Lot cover.
I present to you (without a second verse because I am lazy), "Ladies Fight Back" by Cervix-A-Lot:
“O-M-G Becky, Todd Akin & Co. SUCK. They are like, soooo, dumb."
"He looks like one of those Tea Party dirtbags. But who understands those bigots anyway?"
"He won't even talk to her, because he thinks all women are total prostitutes."
“I mean, their world view – it’s just so small!”
“I can’t believe they’re just so dense, and like, out of touch – I mean, God! They’re just such…hacks!”
I hate misogynists and I cannot lie
You other sisters can’t deny
that "when a girl walks in with an itty bitty skirt,
she’s asking to get raped"
You feel rage!
Wanna pull a punch, ‘cause I noticed that guy was smug
Deep in my heart I’m despairin’
It’s 2012, ladies ain’t just for child-bearin’
Oh baby, I wanted to get wit’cha
and take your picture
But then you tried to warn me
that my body isn’t only for me
Oooh Romney & Ryan
You say you wanna get in my business?
Well amuse me, seriously
‘Cause you ain’t no fuckin’ gynie!
I’ve seen them speechin’
To hell with their preachin’
They’re vile, use guile
Got my stomach fillin’ with bile
I’m tired of Republicans
sayin’ abortion is a sin
Take the average woman and ask her that
She ain’t a doormat
So ladies? Yeah! Ladies? Yeah!
You wanna fight for your rights? Hell yeah!
Tell ‘em to stick it (stick it), stick it (stick it)
Stick it up their asses
Ladies fight back!
…Yeah baby, when it comes to being female, Tea Party ain’t got nothin’ to do with my choices. Is equality so much to ask for? Ha ha, yes it is, silly me.
So my boyfriend unrolls a condom, sayin’ “Baby let’s get it on.”
But the law wants to control whether I can get contraception
My vagina don’t want none unless The Pill is covered, son
You can use the rhythm method or abstain
There is no in-between
Some lawmakers wanna play that “moral” role
and tell you that a baby is gold
So they judge you and control you
and I pull up quick to console you
So some guy says you’re a slut
Well I ain’t down with that cut
‘Cause your body is yours but your rights are threatened
And I’m thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’
to Canada if Romney beats Obama
You ain’t it MittWit!
Give me a feminist, so I can reminisce
about times that didn’t exist
Some knucklehead tried to dis
But girls are smarter than this
He’s a bigot who alienates women
Street harrassin’ has got us spinnin’
So ladies, as the world goes ‘round
And you wanna smack those assholes down
And make sure the fight is fought
Ladies, fight back!
@olivebee You are a genius and a master. BRAVO.
@olivebee ALL THE THUMBS UP.
@olivebee AMAZEBALLS. I just put on the karaoke version of Baby Got Back (Grooveshark) and this is so perfect. Some talented pinners need to record this. Viral video skillz anyone?
@olivebee I wish I could Thumbs-Up this a hundred times.
@olivebee I'm applauding to my empty room
@olivebee Amazing (both you and the song.) This has totally made my day!
@olivebee YOU HAVE KILLED ME DEAD WITH THE AMAZINGNESS! THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN WHAT I'VE BEEN EAGERLY ANTICIPATING SINCE YOU STARTED IT FOR US YESTERDAY!!!!
@olivebee RIDONCUBALLZ! This is brilliant!
@olivebee You kick ass. That is all. :chair dancing:
@olivebee [slow clap]
@olivebee OH MY GOD YAY!
@olivebee This is the best thing I have ever read.
@olivebee OH SNAP!!
@double paw? I'm serious, check out all these clapping gifs for olivebee.
@olivebee WILD APPLAUSE.
@olivebee: Amazing! Please, someone record this. Please?
@olivebee Amazing! I want this to be recorded somewhere! I know singers/musicians that could make it happen...just sayin'! I even know some burlesque dancers who'd do a bitchin' hip hop number to it if it gets recorded!
@olivebee Good lord, someone please put this on YouTube.
@Porporina Make it happen! What the pro-choice (and, um, whatever you have to call yourself now if you like birth control and don't like rape... sane maybe?) movement really needs is an old-school hip hop anthem.
@xx-xx-xx I would love to! I just want to make sure it's cool with @olivebee to send along her lyrics!
@olivebee Oh my actual fucking God.
@all Thank you!!! It was a lot of fun (and cathartic) to write. If anybody (like @Porporina) knows people willing to perform and record it, I will happily finish it by writing the second verse that I skipped over.
I'd maybe even be willing to put my background dancing skillz that I learned in the hip hop class I took this summer to good use.
@olivebee Oh, BRAVO. :)
@olivebee I was in a sorority (don't hate) and for the rushing process there was a skit night that basically involved rewriting various songs Weird Al-style to be about your sorority. My sorority had a skit one year involving a re-write of Baby Got Back that was actually pretty clever and a lot of fun. The point is, really, I wish I could have rushed the Hairpin and sung better song parodies.
That was INCREDIBLE. I am in awe and also I love you?
@olivebee HOLLY SHIT! This is so awesome! can I copy and post this to my facebook wall (with attribution of course)? this genius should be shared, also recorded!
@olivebee this is absolutely brilliant. wow.
@queenieliz I'm so flattered that you want to share it! Yes, please do. I am too shy to put it on my own facebook because I have way too many conservative in-laws as facebook friends.
...Also, ya'll are the best. I could have written for a better audience.
@olivebee Oh wow, I meant I COULDN'T have written for a better audience. That little typo made me look like a huge ass. Sorry!
@olivebee Ha! I reaaaally doubt anyone would think it wasn't a typo, but it is pretty funny. :)
If anyone in the LA area wants to record this and make a video, let me know. I am a musician with a pretty decent recording set up (nothing fancy, but it works), an HD video camera, and editing skills. Let's collaborate!!
You are fucking brilliant, @olivebee
@olivebee this is the handsdown Best Thing. f-ing amazing. I read-sang it all in my head, of course. please please somebody collaborate w @The Frozen Head of Dorothy Zbornak and make this recording!
Thank God this week is over. Migraine, work constantly kicking my ass, and now a stomach bug. Ugh.
On a more positive note: my dad is having a birthday party this weekend! Any suggestions on what to get him? I've done books and booze before and could do it again, but he's turning 70; I kind of want this one to be big. He loves history and old movies.
@area@twitter Migraines also! Migraine sufferers unite! Seriously though, ohmygod they screwed over my life this week.
I'm really hoping that I can at least talk my docs into giving me copies of my MRI. Thinking that they'll make cool decor in my studio apartment.
@area@twitter for 70, it would be nice to get something a bit auspicious. What about a framed map of a significant place from a historical era he likes?
@area@twitter Hmm...history. Maybe some Ken Burns documentaries (if he hasn't seen them)? I did that for my history-loving dad's birthday last year.
@olivebee That's brilliant, I love me some Ken Burns documentaries.
Also, I got my dad the complete restored Godfather trilogy on DVD on year? I swear that the most stoic man ever wibbled over that movie set. So, maybe also think about, great movies that dad already has, but would appreciate a cleaned-up, better version of.
@area@twitter If there's a particular era or historical event he's into, you could get him a big beautiful book about it? There are historical atlases for different time periods and regions and they are lovely and fun!
Just wanted to say that Ann Bonfoey Taylor was Something Else in 1967.
I mean REALLY something else.
Hey Boston!! I set up a google group just for us, and it's here: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/boston-hairpin
I tried to email everyone whose email I had, but some might have been spam-blocked or something.
Anyway, the current plan is Pinup Wednesday, Sept 5. Whoot!
@Lily Rowan I'm going to steal this thread because I too want Boston 'Pinners' attention:
If you like dancing and 80s music, come to Heroes at TT the Bear's on Saturday! I love it and haven't been in a while. When I get dressed tomorrow I can tell you what I'll be wearing so you can recognize me and WE CAN ALL DANCE TOGETHER IN A CIRCLE LIKE MIDDLE SCHOOL!
I'm kind of kidding but yeah I'll tell you how to recognize me.
@SarahP I like dancing and 80s music! But I have a family function in NH tomorrow night. Please alert me the next time you have these plans?
See all you Boston 'Pinners Sept 5th!
@SarahP I am intrigued by this as an idea! But probably not this weekend. But am also concerned about being a person who experienced the 80s the first time around.... Anyway, you kids have fun!
@SarahP Okay, do you also hate it when people call it "TT and the Bear's"? I yelled at a guy once who was on the phone waiting to get into a show because he said that's where he was.
Its like people think its some sort of spinoff of BJ and the Bear.
@Lily Rowan and @NeenerNeener I used to go pretty often before the whole moved-to-the-burbs thing, so I'm sure there will be future such plans. Also I first learned about it from some of my husband's friends, who also experienced the 80s, so you shouldn't feel out of place!
@SarahP While I would normally avoid anything that reminds me of middle school (in the actual 80s), I am considering.
@SarahP If my date bails I might be down for this! I like dancing. And drinking. And 80s.
@Marquise de Morville Yessssssssss!
@Kirs Bring your date.
@SarahP Depending on how my other plans shape up I may be there? Or I may be recovering from an epic hangover. WE'LL SEE.
@anachronistique Hair of the dog, my friend.
@Lily Rowan Is there some master list of Hairpin groups somewhere? I'm not in any, and I know I've heard about some other ones in the past! Help!
@tales Up top, there's a link to the big Hairpin Google Group! There are tons of discussions on there.... Probably one for where you live!
@Lily Rowan I definitely saw this on my phone when I was half-asleep and thought I dreamed it! YAY it IS REAL
@SarahP I want to know more!! Like... am I still invited if I was only alive for a year of the '80s? And what if I can't dance because I have a foot problem right now but I can sit and drink with aplomb?
@Lily Rowan Awesome, thanks!
@SarahP I like dancing and mostly enjoyed the 80s while living them! But I spent 4 hours at a petting zoo-slash-water park-slash-playground with a toddler today and won't be moving again until sometime next Wednesday. But I will definitely pencil in next time if you let us know about it!
@all EVERYONE SHOULD COME! We'll probably get there by 11. If you don't know me, I have brown hair, I'm wearing a dress that's red on top and black on the bottom, and I'll probably have my off-brand black and white converse on. Feel free to introduce yourself!
@Daisy Razor I just went to a water park today! I'm worn out and did not even have to chase around a toddler. Rest up, and I'll keep you posted about future such events.
@SarahP Hey all, sorry I'm late to this thread, we were at the Cape this weekend. I couldn't make it this time, but would love to meet everyone at a future Heroes bash. I survived the 80s the first time as a teenager, so reliving my adolescence should be a wicked awesome time.
i am alone in copenhagen with a cold, there is a giant party happening downstairs, and i'm gnawing on a street crepe. pathos!
@plonk I hope that means a crepe you obtained from a food truck or stand, not one that you scraped off the sidewalk.
@anachronistique I AM A SNIVELING URCHIN THAT FOLLOWS TOURISTS AROUND, PICKING UP FALLING SCRAPS OF THEIR CREPES
@plonk This happened to me when I went to comic-con, there were parties everywhere at night and i was alone and mopey. Stay strong!
@anachronistique Or perhaps she is referring to a street "crepe," aka anything that has been smooshed flat by a moving vehicle's tires. Free snacks! (The good news is that also squishes all the calories out AM I RIGHT LADIES)
@plonk How do you do? My name's Gavroche!
@plonk This is the funniest pathetic comment I have read in a while.
I am going to see Radiolab tonight and Dave Foley will be there and maybe this will make up for the time I had KITH tickets and showed up on the wrong day!
@Summer Somewhere That sounds awesome! Enjoy!
@Summer Somewhere I AM SO JEALOUS. Radiolab and Dave Foley are two of the best things in the entire world. Have fun!
@Summer Somewhere That radiolab show is the best. Seriously you are going to have an incredible time.
@Summer Somewhere My BF and his sister, who was visiting from out of town, bought Dodger tickets and on the big day they showed up and were greeted by an empty stadium. They went in search of an employee and found a janitor who laughed when he pointed out that they had bought tickets to an away game, haha.
@avoidmadness Oh no!! The killer for me is that the ticket-taker ALMOST let me in, and I feel like if I had pushed the "cry" button, I might've gotten in. I hate crying in public/in front of strangers, so after a failed trip to find a copy of Brain Candy, I went to see Spider-Man instead. Spider-Man is a shitty replacement for KITH live.
@Summer Somewhere Soooo jealous. I want to go x a billion, but I'm too broke for the tickets.
I think I need to change my username. I am getting a little bit uncomfortable with how much of my actual name is in it...
@arrr starr Now, this is the first letter of my sister's first name and the first syllable of her last name. Are you secretly my little sister?
@arrr starr I just did the same thing. I already post enough of my life on here, I don't really need my (unusual-ish) name up here too.
@thatgirl probably not your little sister, but a similar idea.
@dragon - yeah, though every time someone does this I am like "oh, crap, who are they" I also wish I could have held out for something more clever, but the pressure got to me.
@entangled That was the nice thing about my name. It was pretty easy to change without really confusing everyone. (I hope?)
@entangled As long as you keep the same avatar (at least for a while as a transition period) I think it'll be fine. (But maybe that's because I'm a more visual person who identifies people more by their avatars rather than their names?)
@Dragon The flea helped a lot.
@entangled I KNEW IT WAS YOU, ENTA N. GLED! Damn. I could tell from a mile off.
(j/k- you are a mystery!)
I've got a second date (I think... he could bail) on Saturday. He looks quite a bit like Matt Saracen from FNL. Wish he was a wee bit taller. But he was nice enough to warrant a second date.
I keep waiting to meet someone and get hit like a ton of bricks. But maybe it won't happen that way again. Le sigh.
@Kirs MATT SARACEN!!! That is all.
No wait..also: have a great date!
@Kirs Nice! Saraceeeeeeeeen. Enjoy and report back.
@Kirs HA your description so closely matches my boyfriend that I just had to double-check that he hadn't sketchily changed our Saturday plans #weallgood
Hope you get your bricks hit though! :)
Well I've posted about my house hunt and purchase of a new house. And just want to re-affirm, for anyone out there who's interested, buying a house is HARD. And it's still a MONTH from closing! But it is a gorgeous little house in the woods with amazing slate bathrooms and skylights and a barn and ooo I could go on and on.
To take our minds off house purchasing, we are having a date night. Supino's pizza and then seeing the Vermeer on loan to the DIA. Detroit represent!
@charlesbois Your house sounds amazing and your date night sounds amazing!
@charlesbois You can do it! We bought a house at the beginning of the summer, and yes, it is not fun, but at the end--you get a house! Of your own!
@charlesbois Congrats on the house! And as a (sadly) former Michigan resident, I am incredibly jealous of your Friday night plans.
Is this a place where I can ask a question about whether I should go back to school or not?
@ImASadGiraffe Are you thinking what, graduate school, law, med?
If you wanna talk about graduate school in the sciences, I'm your gal. For biology, anyways. :D
@celeec4@twitter Pharmacy! I have a full-time job in IT that I don't like and don't want to do for the rest of my career. Been mulling it over for a long time and think I want to take the plunge, but scared because I'd have 6 years of full-time school ahead of me (2 years pre-reqs, 4 years for the PharmD).
@ImASadGiraffe As someone who knows a lot of pharmacy people--pharmacy school is a BEAST. Before you plunge, talk to a pharmacist or six, if you haven't already, just to get an idea of what it's like! (I'm sure there's some out here now! Calling pharmacists?)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Yes, I definitely plan to do that! I also did work in a pharmacy as a certified tech for 2 years when I was in college, so I got a taste of what it's like AFTER school. Which, I enjoyed the work, so there's that.
@ImASadGiraffe Definitely talk to pharmacists! One of my roommates in undergrad went the pharm route, and I think, not sure, but I think there are ways to slice down the years required for PharmD by gaming prereqs and such.
Wish I could help more. :)
@celeec4@twitter Well I've been looking at schools and all the PharmD programs are 4 years. Pre-reqs could be 2 years or more, depending on if you have to retake or what your particular school you're applying to requires.
I'm going to visit my friendly neighborhood CVS and talk to them, and also talk to my old pharmacy manager from undergrad.
Any other 'Pinner pharmacists?
@ImASadGiraffe According to my pharmacist sister (newly graduated) and aunt, a LOT of schools are phasing out their 4 year PharmD in favor of the six year direct admit programs, so that might be somthing to keep tabs on and consider when choosing potential schools. On the more exciting side, according to my sister it is a pretty great job to have if you want control over your schedule later in life for raising kids (one of her big concerns) or for whatever other reasons you might not want to stick to full-time 9-5 and whatnot because demand for trained pharmacists is high. Apparently Walgreen/CVS/etc's collective decision to put a pharmacy on every corner of every town means that the US isn't actually training enough pharmacists to keep up with their current rate of expansion.
@iwannabekait I have heard of these programs but none of the ones I want to go to (I'd like to stay in-state to save money and there are two in my state) have a 0-6 program. And most of the programs are for people without prior degrees, and I already have a BS and MBA.
And yes, that news is really exciting! I really would not mind working in a retail setting, because I like people and I'm used to the customer service-type thing as I've been doing it my entire life. I'm in Chicago so this is where Walgreens started, plus we have CVS and Osco as well, along with a whole bunch of hospitals. In the suburbs Caremark has a mail-order pharmacy location too, so if I want to stay in Chicago I think I have options. :)
I'm obviously going to keep thinking/crunching numbers, and saving money while I am working full-time, before I make the big decision, but if anyone else has more info, keep it coming!
I am moving! Into my own house by my lonesome! I think I am in love! OPB has changed it's formatting and it's kind of fucking stupid in many ways! I'm finishing a term of school but I can't do my work because I can't focus because I'm moving and the estate sale is a week late so I have no where to put my things so I'm just sitting on a mattress on the floor reading the Hairpin and drinking juice out of bottle!! I Have a weird question I'm going to ask in a minute! I wrote two poems yesterday!
@LaLoba Living alone is awesome!
@LaLoba But tell us the important things: ARE YOU WEARING PANTS??
@Xanthophyllippa I've been cleaning and packing old house by myself, and I have been doing a lot of it topless :O
@LaLoba Yay! Clothing optional is the best way to be home alone.
In other news...
1. Ven from Project Runway is a Grade A D-bag. He's a horrible narcissist who is completely devoid of empathy.
2. Paul Ryan's face legitimately makes me uneasy. Everytime I see it on my TV, I get vibes like, "oh, just your friendly neighborhood serial killer."
3. I am really enjoying Totally Biased with Kamau Bell on FX. For one thing, he's charming as all get out (and all he does is make fun of the GOP, so that's obviously great), but he has the best guests. Rachel Maddow! Alex Wagner!
@olivebee THAT IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT PAUL RYAN I couldn't place it but that's what it is. JUST like the photo spreads inside true crime books. "He was a regular guy . . . "
@LaLoba And Mitt Romney can't seem to come off as anything other than a pre-vat o' chemicals Batman villain. I don't understand it. He has a team of people who should be working to prevent precisely such a look.
@wharrgarbl OOH, that's EXACTLY what he is. Thank you, that's perfect.
@olivebee Re Ven, not only did I want to smack him, but so did EVERYONE else on the floor. Also, he is not slim and svelte by any stretch of the imagination. Not body snarking, but just stating the obvious. Has he never designed clothes for himself? I just wanted to hold a mirror up to his stupid face, literally and metaphorically.
Also, Paul Ryan looks like the Anti-Christ.
@charlesbois Yeah, I mean, I started watching this episode halfway through (thanks, timewarner DVR!) right at the point where he was implying that his client was too fat to wear clothes, or whatever insanity, and I was just..."but...you're fat?" So obnoxious. And then I started noticing that he doesn't really dress himself very well, either.
@wharrgarbl ROMNEY = HARVEY DENT!
@olivebee Oh god, Ven. I was really impressed with him at first, but now (and I didn't watch last night's episode, granted) he seems like a very talented one-trick pony. (Or one-way monkey, rather.)
I kind of love Elena, though. WE DON'T SAY PLEASE OR THANK YOU IN UKRAINE
@olivebee Ven is the worst! I was hoping he would be eliminated because they kept saying 1 or more designers would go. But then they kept him and you know Tim Gunn had to have something to say about that! Come on, Lifetime. Show us the good stuff.
@olivebee I'm watching last night's Project Runway right now and holy shit. Ven is just horrible. I'm shaped (and kind of look) like his client. I'm surprised she stayed strong for so long. I probably would have been in tears the second or third time he said I was: fat, old, shapeless, disappointing, an unfair disadvantage to him as a designer, and that my hair was limp.
@WhiskeySour @everyone Ven made her FRIEND cry even! I mean, that is some next level putdown shit right there. He should have been sent home toute suite.
@wharrgarbl Few people know this but Mitt Romney is actually the alter ego of supervillain Small-Face: http://littlefacemitt.tumblr.com/
@everybody Ven's client is mad as hell about him on Twitter, and it is glorious.
@olivebee I was surprised that none of the other designers called him out.
@whereismyrobot Some of them did! In the back room at the end, and when he was being mean to his client in the work room, and I think at least one other time. It really did warm my heart that the other designers were so mad at him.
@olivebee Paul Ryan has the same eyes as the main chicken in Chicken Run.
@olivebee so i am babysitting and therefore drinking wine so i apologize if the following is incoherent but (i am staying sober enough to call mom/get us to the hospital):
1 - yessssssss. Ven is horrible and awful and i thought they might actually kick him off at the end but what? no. but remember jeffrey and his attitude toward his client a few seasons ago? clearly not a game in which the kindest person wins. BUT! Ven's client has a nice friend at work - that is so important.
2 - "admit it, i scare the ever-living shit out of you, don't i?" http://www.theonion.com/articles/admit-it-i-scare-the-everloving-shit-out-of-you-do,29160/
@olivebee Ven is terrible but I now need a gif of Elena saying "I kind of lost respect for him" with her pink-lipsticked bitchface.
@olivebee yes. and did you read the profile of Paul Ryan's wife in the NYT? it sounded a little bit like a case of the brainsnatchers... scary.
Some of my friends and I have started up a writing group! We're working on our first compositions right now! The theme is "break-ups, but written from the point of view of your opposite gender", which should be interesting and challenging.
So! Hairpin, as a male writer who is reasonably astute about feminism and regularly reads women writers, but who has never written much from the female voice proper, do you have any tips for doing so somewhat competently?*
*I think part of it is fear of royally screwing it up. Even just typing this question, there's this pit in my stomach that's saying "Ugh, that's even a sexist question to ask!"
@Emby Aw don't worry. Focus on character voice and not "female-ness." Get a voice in your head that's based in some reality. Use a sentence you heard someone say and start from their. Focus on character, not on femaleness, I'll say again.
@LaLoba Thanks, that is good advice. I should add that it's not exactly the voice I'm afraid I'll not replicate; it's the perspective. I've read a lot of articles talking about how men filter women's perspectives through their own male experiences and women have an easier time seeing things from the "male" point of view because it's the dominant cultural view. And I want to try really hard not to do that, not to just filter my female characters' views through my own privileges and biases.
@Emby Seconding LaLoba. Don't try to "think like a lady" or whatever. Just try to craft a realistic person and work from there. Think of the women who you know pretty well—family, friends, significant others past or present, and think of how they'd react to various situations. Chances are, they're not reacting As A Lady, but as...the person they are, and being a lady is part of their life experience.
@Emby I remember reading somewhere that the thing male writers get wrong about the female voice is that we aren't constantly thinking about our own boobs. So.. that?
@JadedStone [taking notes] "..not... constantly... thinking about.. own.. boobs."
This is gold!
@Emby I used the wrong there. I USED THE WRONG THERE. THEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE D:
@Emby I am a believer in believable voice leading to believable perspective; if you can think in the same syntax as your character your perspective is likely to shift along with it. So just try your best and be very open to criticism from your writing group without feeling defensive. Easier said than done, obviously!
@Emby - I just write all of my characters 100% based on me, since I am the only person with whom I am at all familiar, and then I give some of them lady names and vaginas and some of them dude names and penises, and BAM, people of both genders, equally developed.
@Emby I would say to do some reading up on the male gaze and how that affects women. Not to necessarily put any of that in your writing, but just as something to be aware of that might influence you (google should probably give you some good stuff there, but I bet pinners would have good links). I think that you asking the question shows a lot of good things, though!
@JadedStone We are also not constantly thinking about our pubic hair
Getting folks you're happily fucking to get up off you about rarely orgasming, the meeeeaaaaning of rarely orgasming, and why their apparently well-intentioned efforts and "supportiveness" are actually just condescending*. And go.
*I don't even KNOW why this feels so condescending to me. This is a thing I really have no vernacular for, but as a liberated lady fully engaged in HOOKUPCULTURE(TM) who just happens not to come much outside of masturbation, it's a conversation that frequently comes up after a great but aorgasmic romp. There are some pretty interesting nuances to the thing that I'm sure many of you are familiar with, so really I'm just looking to generate dialogue about this here, among my favorite brains.
@acromia I think it's really stupid to use orgasms as a benchmark of Naked Fun Time. Some people have them pretty much always, some people have them often, some people don't have them too frequently, and some people never have them. I think it's super arrogant to tell another person how their body "should" react to anything, and "what it meeeeeans" is pretty irrelevant.
I'm sorry people are being fuckfaces about it.
@acromia I had a conversation about this with the fellow I am happily fucking. I usually orgasm, but sometimes don't, and he gets all baffled "This usually works what's WRONG"
At first I get annoyed because it's annoying when men have often implied that there's something wrong with you that they can fix or solve, or that you're not enjoying sex in the right way.
Also, it seems nice when a gentleman says, "I LOVE it when you get off, I really want you to, orgasms for me are cheap and I just want to make you happy."
Very sweet, and I believe very sincere. However, I pushed this idea and we amusingly arrived at the conclusion that if you think about it this way, it was still more about his sexual pleasure than mine because he saw getting me off as a goal and if he didn't achieve it felt frustrated and disappointed. Interesting twist!
@acromia It feels condescending because it is. I think for some people, if a partner can't easily come with them, they take it as not being validated. It's a question of them worrying more about their own happiness than it is the happiness of their partner. Not everyone has orgasms on demand and it's not fair for other people to make them feel guilty about it. I mean, what a personal thing to make someone feel "broken" about. (And this is also why it's so, so important to have open dialogue with a partner.) I think that's why it feels so condescending.
@LaLoba Yeah, the whole "I can do this FOR YOU" is its own power/success issue.
@Lily Rowan Exactly, it's them saying, "I'm just being a Good Guy!" Yeah, you might actually just be being a jackass.
@thatgirl I think it's really stupid, too! I love sex. I LOVE IT. I love to have orgasms, too, but I know exactly what it takes for me to have one (yo, I've been having and will continue to have sex with myself longer than I've been having/will continue to etc. with anyone else), and it doesn't stress me out that in my world, sex and orgasms aren't necessarily conflated. What DOES stress me out is having to assuage the doubts of the people I'm having sex with--they're earnest! Always so earnest! And they "only want me to be having as much fun as [they are!]"--when they fear they're doing something wrong.
What am *I* doing wrong? I mean, I think I make it pretty obvious, without contriving it, that I'm having a good fuckin' time. What more do people WAAAAAANT. Ugh.
Damn "body shoulding."
@acromia To me, this sounds like something you need to talk about with partners before sexytimes. Remind them that you don't often come, but that doesn't mean you aren't enjoying yourself. In fact, the opposite is probably true--the pressure they unintentionally put on you to come when you're not going to makes sex less fun. But remind them that you enjoy yourself with them and it has nothing to do with them, only withy our own body.
I say talk about it before, because I've definitely been on the other end of this, really surprised when my partner doesn't come when I thought we were having a blast (ha ha, literally! oh gross, sorry), and there's this simultaneous feeling of "oh no, was I the only one really into this?" and "Clearly it is up to me to make this better!" Being told up front would ease/prevent those feelings of insecurity/determination.
@LaLoba "Very sweet, and I believe very sincere. However, I pushed this idea and we amusingly arrived at the conclusion that if you think about it this way, it was still more about his sexual pleasure than mine because he saw getting me off as a goal and if he didn't achieve it felt frustrated and disappointed. Interesting twist!"
Ha! You're absolutely right. Certain recurring partners and I have been able to expose, discuss, and dispose of this logic, but I still haven't found a way to neatly and swiftly dismiss it with more casual partners. Maybe the moral is...not to care? Isn't that what makes them CASUAL??
Yeah but still I want to educate people--not just the sweet, sincere, but misguided types, but myself too. Raaaahh!
@katiemcgillicuddy Ah, very well spoken. Thanks.
@SarahP That's really helpful--you reminded me how much I've appreciated the partner who, even in the middle of great sex, has said, "Oh, by the way, I don't usually come; just know it's all good and I'm having a [haha] blast [figuratively!--ed.] one way or another."
Really takes a *load* off, doesn't it?
@LaLoba "I LOVE it when you get off, I really want you to, orgasms for me are cheap and I just want to make you happy."
Makes my skin crawl and/or makes me want to get up and leave on the spot.
And then I do! Go, I mean. Not come. Go.
@acromia ARgh. Yes. I am pretty orgasmic, though it took me a while to get to this point and find out what works for my body/brain, but I hate the whole notion that the orgasm is the point/goal of a sexual encounter and that it is a sign of the sexual prowess of an individual that they can *make* their partner orgasm. I've been with men who had difficulty orgasming for a variety of reasons (some physiological, some psychological) and as long as they were clear that they were enjoying my efforts, I've never let it bother me. Yes, the times I can help make it happen I feel good, but I'm more inclined to believe your words than your orgasm in this case.
Also, I've had partners who were able to make me orgasm but with whom the sex was still less than satisfying.
@acromia Hahaha yeah. It's fucked! But I do truly think it comes from an honest place and it's difficult to explain, somehow, why it's not right.
@Blushingflwr Word. Orgasms: not the litmus test for sexual satisfaction.
@acromia I think that's a great response, the oh by the way. I was nervous about not always coming/being good in bed with my limited experience when I started sleeping with the girl I'm sleeping with. You know what we do? We just don't ask. I realize this is maybe logistically subtler with another lady than it is with a guy, but maybe try it out? We're both good about giving and following directions and we're both fairly physically and vocally responsive lovers, so I figure as long as she's gasping or I'm moaning and no one is redirecting the other and we keep having sex, things are good.
@Cat named Virtute - I think maybe this is a weird thing to tell a dude in advance before the first time though?
Like, I get it. Women of all types, etc. I'm totally fine with it. At the same time though, if I was about to be with someone for the first time, and in advance she was like "listen, by the way, I'm not going to..." it would - I don't know?
Like, part of the fun is discovery. And if a dude is mature, he knows that ladies come in all different types (couldn't resist). And I'm not saying you never talk about it - it will probably become a topic of convo relatively quickly. But just, a polite in-advance "So, this is what it is going to be like when we do it" would be anti-climatic. So to speak.
Besides, most dudes immature/inexperienced enough to think that fucking is pointless if you don't both orgasm probably isn't going to recognize one anyway.
@leon s Yeah, I can understand that, but I think she's saying is that when she goes with it but doesn't orgasm, it still puts guys off. And not coming, from either perspective, is not really a fun part of discovery. I wouldn't advocate making it a big deal at all, but just a heads-up to relieve the pressure, especially because not coming quickly can lead to bull-in-a-china-shop type behaviour in some partners who are particularly, ahem, zealous.
@Cat named Virtute Y'all, this is why I just fake it sometimes. I am having fun! And am ready to stop if you're ready. A little panting just sometimes seems more appropriate in the moment than, "Oh, I'm not going to come now, but it's all good -- really!"
Depends on the partner/situation, obviously.
@leon s So for me, "the fun is in the discovery" is not true when you discover your partner's not going to come. It's not a bad thing, but it isn't really something I want to discover in the middle of things. Because yes, I know it's silly to feel insecure or to feel like they're not enjoying it if they don't come, but in the middle of getting it on is not the time for me to explore my own reactions and wondering "Oh, is it silly/unfair/insecure of me to think this way?" There are too many hormones rushing around for me, personally, to think things out that straight. I would want to know that this was a possibility, so instead it'd be like "okay, I knew about this, it's fine."
@acromia Thanks for bringing it up. It's an important thing to be able to talk about, and not everyone is willing to. Communication is key to everything.
So many interesting things going on here!
I'm like, crazy orgasmic, and can't really think of a time when I've had sex and haven't gotten off in recent memory (it would have to be pretty shitty sex).
And, of course, some guys don't get off so easily, especially when inebriated or in a new situation. I like being told if that's a possibility, so I feel ok calling it off when I'm done and not feeling obligated to keep trying to make someone come if they're not going to. In my experience, being told that it might not happen takes the pressure of both people, and usually leads to earlier orgasms. Nobody, man or woman, feels like coming when they feel like a disappointment. Plus, coming a lot when my partner doesn't at all feels a little selfish in a transgressive way, which I kind of get off on.
Also, I often ejaculate, so I'm used to making pre-sex announcements. As much fun as discovery is, I think that might be too much of a surprise for some people. Also, the slightly bashful confession followed by enthusiastic response is becoming part of my new-partner routine. It's fun. If he's like "oh, ok, but hopefully not too much" I'm like "welp, this is not going to work, see ya".
@RobotsNeedLove I'm pretty orgasmic, too, but every once in a while it's just not going to happen, usually having nothing to do with the other person. Stress, I'm tired, whatever. It definitely can hurt a little if the person your with isn't getting off, so I agree with the pre-sex explanation if it's possible. But I think even if you don't manage to give a fair warning, as long as you give a sincere explanation, the other person should understand and never make you feel like a disappointment. If they don't, that's a problem.
@leon s: a fellow dude chiming in to say the opposite -- I find it to be really helpful for a lady to say "btw fyi etc" before the action really begins. Whether it's this particular topic, or a statement about what does/doesn't work for her, no-go zones, or whatever. I can see how you would think it would ruin the mood, but in my experience it really doesn't -- and the benefits (peace of mind, extra time to revise one's strategy, reassurance that you are both savvy responsible people) are great.
@runner in the garden And all you boys (and girls!! and everyone!!!) trying to be so rational are awesome!! Thank you!
@katiemcgillicuddy Yeah... sex. If orgasms were the REALLY MAJOR MOST IMPORTANT point, the world is full of feminist friendly stores full of products that one could purchase to keep one's-self in orgasms until the end of time.
So sexytimes with a partner clearly have something else going on there. Maybe that something else is important to those who don't have the insta-come/ever-come plug in (ha ha)? And getting all ORGASMS ORGASMS ORGASMS about the sexing doesn't just do all that "whose pleasure is this about anyway?" the situation. It diminishes the meaning of the all the other things going on in the room.
I've noticed some dudes, when they figure out you aren't nesc. going to be having an orgasm can turn the whole thing into a "now it's all about me and then when I am finished I'll assume we're ready to nap/leave for the bar/whatever." If orgasms aren't the end all, be all, of sexing, that is less likely to happen.
My mother-in-law got me a Modcloth gift card for my birthday! It is an awesome gift, but the majority of stuff on my wishlist there is out of stock. Frustrating!
@SarahP Ahh, jealous! I didn't know they had giftcards...I will now be adding that to my holiday wishlist.
Man, how tough was this little kid, hanging out with these tough guys in Mass.? Wonder who he grew up to be.
@Mabissa Ok, one more photo - Inez Milholland at a Sufferage Parade.
@Mabissa Wow, those are great pictures.
@Lily Rowan Amazing stuff. If someone hired me (as a volunteer) to find these things, I would be in Heaven.
@Mabissa Fall Rivaaaaaaah.
@backatthelab I love the titles on some of these photos, too. That one especially, "as tough as you please."
@backatthelab @Lily Rowan There are tons of Fall River pictures there. Here is one from 1911, boys working at a textile mill.
@Mabissa There is really nothing like a Massachusetts mill town at the turn of the century! Or 11 years later...
@Mabissa Jeez, these are great.
@katiemcgillicuddy I'm starting a "feature" on my blog, LoC Fridays. Check it out! Started it today...
And when you eat something delicious, submit it here!
Hope this isn't too spammy, but I wanted to try making my own blog, and I need some input and submissions from other people.
@Awesomely Nonfunctional Here is a little more info:
It's called Foods from Last Night, and it's a food/humor blog. It's about the crazy foods you eat late at night. So far it has been just me posting, but I would love to have other people email me some submissions. firstname.lastname@example.org
WHERE THE HECK IS GINGERNUTBALL?!?!?!?!
Does anyone know what happened to her? Is she okay?
And, uh...that's @redheaded&crazie, for those of you who do not refer to her by a pet-name in your heads.
@wee_ramekin I just stalked her a bit in HFC, and I think she's either at or returning from a fancy event she was excited about/buying a nice dress for. It's probably okayyyy!
@wee_ramekin I hope she's okay! She owes me a friendship bracelet for this CD I'm making her. :(
@wee_ramekin i'm alive! I am in HST - hawaii standard time - and experiencing serious hairpin withdrawal (sad that i can be in paradise and missing my internet community right??? but wahhh there's so many good conversations i'm missing out on!!!)
ok back to getting sunburnt. will be back in a week! and all friendship bracelets will be shortly forthcoming!!!
@redheaded&crazie Oh PRAISE the Lord, GingerNutball! I was so afraid something had happened to you. I'm glad that you are sunbathing and not getting your legs gnawed off by wild Canadian penguins.
@wee_ramekin She's out of town for a few weeks!
ETA: Aaaand has just checked in. Move along, nothing to see here...
@wee_ramekin The world seems not quite right with out strawberry bananas, doesn't it?
@PistolPackinMama HAHAHA oh wow that made me laugh harder than was strictly necessary. Between Ginger Nutball and Strawberry Bananas, we've got a lovely afternoon tea. All we need now is tea tray in the sky and teaandcakeordeath.
@Xanthophyllippa The andcake part can be served in @dieauflaufformchen!
Is there someone here who has a username using the word crumpets? Or maybe making an Oscar Wilde reference? Or at least a cucumber sandwich one?
C'mon people. Someone change your username to Petitfours! Oh! And @morebattenburgvicar!
(I, being a WWII username, of course am going to have to bring something I can make with my ration cards. Soda cracker pie anyone? Spam and lettuce on oatcakes? Twice steeped tea leaves? No? No?)
@PistolPackinMama and WhiskeySour and beericle!
DAMN. Now I want a food-themed username too.
@wee_ramekin Hello. This is NEXT FRIDAY from this thread. But. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH ALERT.
If you have Netflix. He's in the first episode of the most current season of the Agatha Christie Marple series.
Because we all love to watch superstars in their more obscure days!
This week has been awesome for me and I am in a super good mood. So anyway, I hope you are all having a fantastic day and that you all have a beautiful weekend!!!
/drinks beer/giggles/falls down
YOU GUYS. This is incredibly trivial, but this is the THIRD DAY IN A ROW that I've finished my work before midnight. Before dark. Before FIVE. I got to eat dinner and read BOOKS because I had EVENINGS OFF like a goddamn ADULT.
I still have an incredibly crap work ethic and poor time management skills, but still! Maybe this whole self-employment thing will not make me depressed forever!
@VolcanoMouse I've spent the last few weeks in kind of a hole because my job is now my job + a coworker's job + another quarter job that I hate. Finally starting to feel like I could actually do this instead of just going home and crying and throwing bricks through things was huge. hi5 on getting a grip on that shit!
Just a fun tidbit that I'm pretty sure y'all will appreciate: I'm in the midst of rehearsals for a play at my community theatre, and as anyone who's had any experience with the "Waiting for Guffman" crowd knows, there is great potential for both on and off-stage awkwardness with the other actors.
However, I think that the scene in which my character is spanked (like, full-on bent over his lap) by the character who happens to be played by my former elementary school music teacher takes "awkward" to the extreme.
@reebs14 D: D: I would not be able to do that. Well, because my elementary school music teacher is dead. But certainly not with my middle- or high-school music teachers either.
@reebs14 SO AWKWARD GAAAH! Ahaha oh no I'm sure the music teacher feels the same.
@Xanthophyllippa I don't think I've ever had a braver moment than when Mr. Burke told 4th-grade me that I needed to practice flute and I told him that he needed to brush his moustache.
Hairpin! How many of you have had laser hair removal? Tell me about it! (I am pale and have very dark hairs on my chin/jaw/upper lip.) Did you get it covered by your health insurance? Because I sure would like to do that.
Also, at work today, I got put somewhere else for my shift (fine, happens, whatevs), but I had work to do, and I found out that one of my coworkers did my work. It doesn't matter what coworker: I had work to do, and I should have been doing it, and someone else's hours should have been moved, not mine. (This work isn't just "a thing I do," it's the major responsibility of my job, for what it's worth.) I was pissed. Now. One, is my annoyance justified? And two, can I tell my boss about it? (I will phrase it without swear words or anger.) It may not have been up to her, but she'd be the right place to start, if indeed I should start. This isn't actually a new situation, it used to happen to my predecessor all the time, but I feel like letting it go is just passively permitting it to happen again.
@camanda I am in the middle of laser hair removal. No health insurance coverage, but this is one thing that I see Groupon/LivingSocial/etc coupons for basically constantly, so that's what I'm using. It was $200 bucks for 6 treatments on a large area (face).
@camanda Jumpin on the thread to hear about laser hair removal. I'm contemplating my underarms, but I have no $$, so...
@OhMarie I really don't want to pay for it at all, but $200 is definitely a manageable figure (to save for) (over a period of months) (for that is nearly one paycheck for me) -- thanks for the number/coupon tip! How is it going, if I can ask?
(I should also mention I have sensitive skin and facial acne, I have no idea if that matters, but whatever, it's out there now.)
@camanda I've done it (slash am doing it, since it takes a while)! It's expensive, but like OhMarie said, there are regularly groupons or google offers available, so I'd wait for one of those. What kinds of questions do you have?
@SarahP EVERY QUESTION. I don't know. What kind of prep work goes into it, if any/what kind of aftercare is there, if any/what experiences have you had that have been annoying/are you satisfied with how it is going/etc. etc. etc. Also, of course, can they do it on an acne-ridden face? (I am trying to deal with that on its own -- I've had acne since puberty and this resurgence is a bit hormonal but mostly stress-related -- but I also would rather not put off the procedure on the hopes that my skin will clear up.)
@camanda Hm, I maybe can't be very helpful, since I'm having it done on my ladybits. But! I like it a lot, and the results seem to be worth the money (for me). For the acne question, I've had a couple ingrowns in that area and they didn't get in the way of the treatment. However, you have to shave the area before it can be treated, which might be a problem if your acne gets in the way of your being able to shave it. That's the only necessary prep, though I also advise taking a couple ibuprofen about an hour before the treatment, to help with pain and swelling.
It hurts. It's not unbearable, sort of similar to the pain from waxing, but it is a longer process. I've had it done at 2 difference places who used different kinds of machines: one was more painful but really short (as in < 10 mins total, for the whole down-there area), while the other was less painful but required a longer treatment, so it balanced to be about the same.
For a while (less than an hour for me) after the treatment, your hair follicles are going to be swollen. The two different places I've been gave me aloe gel to put on it, but you may want to bring you own gentle moisturizer instead, since who knows whether that gel will make your face break out more? Your treatment area is also going to be red and a litle sensitive for about a day. (Usually it's less for me.)
@SarahP That doesn't sound like a huge deal. I can shave it, it just takes precision and patience, neither of which I am guaranteed to have, so I can deal with that. Also, red and sensitive will blend in with my acne -- bonus! Ha ha ha, haaa ha. Thank you! That is very helpful.
Do you know if you can get a brazilian-version or just bikini line? The salon/wax-place websites I've been looking at seem very vague on this point.
@pernickety I'm getting brazilians! But you can just get bikini line if that's what you're looking for.
Oh yay, brazilian is what I'm interested in. All or nothing (nothing).
@camanda I had LHR on my chin/upper lip a year ago and it came back. I REALLY hate to tell you this! They will tell you that this is a hard place to permanently remove hair because its growth can be dependent on hormonal changes. Before the procedure you cannot wax or pluck for a number of weeks so they have you shave (it's really not as weird as it sounds and in fact a lot of women regularly shave their whole faces for exfoliation). So....$700 later I see a slight difference but not much. Very disappointed!
@camanda I used to work (like over 5 years ago) at a dermatologists office who had some lasers. I got my underarms and a few rounds of bikini line done because it was free, but think I'd pay for it now that I've had it done. Just because i'm lazy and it's nice not to have to worry about that stuff, and the cost really isn't that much if you regularly pay to get waxed or something (I assume, having never done that). In fact, even just the amount you save on not buying razor blades (which always seem ridiculously overpriced) isn't nothing. Some of the hair on my underarms has come back a little, and I think it took more treatments than expected to get rid of as much, but it's been 6 years or so and the growth is only noticeable (to me) enough to shave them every couple of months.
So, only advice i think is the type of laser matters (or did, I'm sure technology has progressed somewhat), some are heavier duty than others and are more likely to be found at doctor's offices than mall type places (again, that was then but it probably still applies).
Also don't pluck or wax or anything for as long before the procedure as you can (like 6 weeks or however long you think it takes for most of the hairs to grow in, though shaving's fine). It takes several treatments i think mostly because hairs removed at different times are going to be fully grown in at different times and the laser zaps them better the more hair there is in the follicle. I got the feeling the laser worked better if i had like 2 or so days growth on there (more and it would make things more painful and less it didn't seem to zap as well).
I'm super happy because I'm done with the stressful part of moving! The past month has been...unpleasant. I do still have a couple of rooms to get unpacked. But the new city (Akron) seems to have a lot of fun stuff going on and my new apartment is enormous. On the downside, a glass item broke in a box that wasn't well-taped and I stepped on a shard of glass. And because I'm me, I haven't been able to get Annie Lennox's "Walking on Broken Glass" out of my head since.
@WhiskeySour Walkin on walkin on bro-ken glaaaass.
I mean—I hope your foot is okay! Stepping on glass is no joke, ouch.
@WhiskeySour Yay for finishing the yucky moving part! Aaaand now Ms. Lennox is stuck in my head. Best memory of that song ever: watching a group of fratty bros act out an interpretive dance (like picking up their feet as if walking on glass) on their porch roof in the middle of the afternoon.
@yeah-elle I think it'll be okay but it bled like crazy. I had to hop down the hall on one foot (because I didn't want to bleed on the carpet) and pick out the shard with tweezers. I put Neosporin on it and slapped a bandaid on it. I think it cut pretty deep because it still kind of hurts (several days later) but I do feel kind of badass.
Hey, NYC 'pinners, is everyone okay? I work close enough to the empire state building that there were some streets closed and an increased police presence, and it really scared me.
Anyone want to talk about it?
@thatgirl I work close by there as well and came out of the subway near Herald Square about 20 min after it went down.
I'm not shaken about it but of course got the parental phone calls making sure I was ok. I almost think it's worse that I am essentially benign to the whole thing but with everything happening in the world lately, I feel totally desensitized to just how close it is.
I just watched The Wicker Man(1973) again for the first time in ages and noticed how much the animal masks they were resemble the masks in Moonrise Kingdom and I have become obsessed with the idea that Moonrise Kingdom should have been a better remake of that film. It's on an island! Quirky outsider! Missing children! Ahh, it would have been so much better.
I really wanted to like Moonrise Kingdom. My companion fell asleep during the movie and I kind of envied him.
@feartie I will never watch that movie just cause of the bee suit.
Ugh the nightmares.
@Biketastrophy I watched the Nic Cage one when I was young and the bee suit gave me nightmares too!!!
@Fiddle dee dee I really want you to like it, too, because it's amazing.
@Biketastrophy There's no bees nor bee suit in the original, so have no fear. I still really want to see the new one, but drink will have to be substantially involved in furthering the project.
@Fiddle dee dee I really wanted to like it too, then lightening struck and my heart said, well I give up, and my brain shrugged and went off to a happier place where that movie continued to be good.
@feartie I kind of think the whole thing would have been more effective in the form of a slideshow. Like, the kind where the soundtrack went "bing" and the teacher's pet (me) got to advance the slide. It's not like any of the actors were actually, you know, making expressions with their faces or anything.
Seriously, though. That movie. What's more twee? None. None more twee.
My very best, very close work friend is moving away soon. :(
Also: my face evidently has decided that breaking out is super fun! For months in a row! WHY, FACE, WHY. I've come to suspect my night cream. Good night moisturizers (anti-aging?) for combination skin, anyone? Suggestions? (Note: I am fairly cheap when it comes to this sort of thing.)
@KatieBarTheDoor Mine just left a month ago :( We had a nice moment walking through the woods drinking beer a few hours before his flight. It sucks cause I've never had an easy time making good friends at work, so right now I'm by my lonesome.
I'd plan something similar to beer drinking in the woods, (wine on a porch? nalgenes walking down the street?) it was a nice sendoff without the distractions you might have doing other things.
@Biketastrophy Ah, I am sorry! I adore many of my coworkers and most of them are nearing retirement age. I live in honest fear of losing them; many days they're what makes going into work worth the effort.
I have no advice on night moisturizers (don't use them), but you do have my sympathies, as my face has recently decided it is 14 again. I have one particularly obnoxious pimple on the side of my nose, right where my glasses sit. Commiseration!
@KatieBarTheDoor My face, too! Since March it's just gone nuts. I've done the oil cleansing, I've tried blasting it with salicylic acid, I'm still breaking out like crazy. I think it's my birth control, so I'm switching next cycle. At least I hope it's my birth control, and not... Second Puberty.
@KatieBarTheDoor I like pure argan oil as anti-aging night cream. i have 33-year-old combination skin that is prone to breaking out (like, i always have a couple of zits and some blackheads) and argan doesn't break me out or make me greasy (in fact, i think it helps clear up my skin). It is a little pricey, but a little goes a long way so the bottle lasts a while. I use Acure brand and I get it at Whole Foods, where it costs about 15 bucks.
@KatieBarTheDoor I've been doing salicylic acid peels at home weekly for months and my skin looks fantastic. I basically started breaking out at 13 and never stopped until I started using this stuff. And it's so cheap. (one caveate is that it makes your skin worse for a couple weeks before it gets better b/c all the junk has to come out from under the surface of your skin).
I also like argan oil. My dermatologist recommended Cerave lotion, which you can get at Walgreens. Good stuff!
I'm so sorry about your friend. Work friends are special...
@Kulojam, @chevyvan Interesting, I always thought oil was DANGER STAY AWAY with oily-ish skin, so I will have to try this!
Work friend has been there since I started 4 years ago, and he's moving on to something better for him, so that's great, but... what will I dooooo?
@KatieBarTheDoor I have both of these exact problems right now. I'm hoping Skype will solve the first, and I've found that super high dose Vitamin D is helping with the second.
@chevyvan what's the deal with the peels? I have sensitive, dry to slightly oily t-zone skin which has a tendency to be congested and occasional break out. I have stopped using physical exfoliants because they always make it worse, and have been using a glycolic cleanser and a glycolic resurfacing lotion which have improved it, but I am always on the lookout for something better. Are you using pure Salicylic ?
@KatieBarTheDoor My derm recommended Aveeno Daily Moisturizing lotion (green label) and I'm pretty addicted. It's not greasy and very gentle but effective.
@queenieliz Yeah, acne is my main issue, so I use this 20% salicylic acid peel. I would like to try the glycolic peel too. I feel like it works two ways: 1. it removes the top layers of your skin so the layers underneath come to the surface, and 2. it makes thick oily skin thinner and less oily so that topical medicines like benzoyl peroxide can actually penetrate the skin and do their job.
The true test was that it got rid of all of those little bumps underneath the skin that I could never get to go away with proactiv, retin-a, etc.
Also, I should note that I learned about this from the hairpin comments. THANK YOU, WISE 'PINNER, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
@KatieBarTheDoor If you can, see if you can get a prescription for a retinoid like Retin-A. I had similar skin problems, and tried every OTC thing out there for a good 6-9 months (salicylic acid, benzyl peroxide, tea tree oil, OTC retinol, even at-home glycolic peels) before I finally gave up and dragged my uninsured, perpetually broken out face to a doc. He gave me a few weeks worth of antibiotics to kill any existing bacteria in the skin, plus a prescription for Retin-A gel/cream to use nightly. I've been using it for about six weeks now, and it really has helped. It took a couple of weeks to start seeing results and felt drying compared to my normal moisturizer, but I'm used to it now and my skin is doing significantly better. I still get occasional zits, but they seem to go away much faster and are not as awful-looking and reddish as before. A fantastic bonus: it's also anti-aging! I've noticed a difference in that area too. The downsides are that it makes you more sun-sensitive (so wear moisturizer with SPF and a cute hat during the day, which is a good idea anyway), and that your skin will probably be a bit flaky for the first two weeks or so. Also, if you have sensitive skin, you may have to ease yourself into it, as it can cause some irritation.
Anyway, I know not everything works the same for everyone, but it's been helpful for me, and seems like a good solution for adult acne given that it it's also anti-aging. In any case, if you have good skincare habits and have been trying OTC anti-acne products for a while and nothing has worked, it may help to see a doctor to see what's up and what can be done(even a general practitioner should be able to help).
Also a good thing to note: some oral antibiotic treatments can interfere with the effectiveness of hormonal birth control, so that's something to keep in mind if that's a concern for you.
@NiceDress Oh, and I've found this to be a really helpful skincare blog: http://www.futurederm.com/
The girl who writes it is apparently in med school to become a derm, and she gives good info with the medical reasons behind what she writes. Lots of product reviews too. It gives some science-y stuff too, but usually not too out there for the average med student to comprehend.
@Where Pies Go When They Die Well, the breakouts weren't great. Like, I was a little embarrassed, but if you start now, they should be better by the time you get back to school. Also, the breakouts were different than before I started doing the peels because they would heal much quicker.
I've also been using the b-p treatment lotion from acne.org, which I really like, raw African black soap for summer face washing, and Cerave cleanser for winter face washing when my skin dries out.
@NiceDress That is the regimen my derm put me on, but antibiotics give me an ugly rash sometimes, so it defeated the purpose of the treatment! And the retin-a by itself didn't get the job done. Plus it was INSANELY expensive even with insurance. I'm super glad it worked for you, tho!
@Where Pies Go When They Die I haven't had any adverse effects at all. I'm currently on a prescription course of 50,000IUs once a week for 8 weeks because I have, apparently, a deficiency. After that is over, I'm switching to 5000IUs every other day. But it's done wonders for me. Lots of sort of "mystery symptoms" I've had for a long while now, I've learned, are actually symptoms of low Vitamin D. It has cleared up my skin a LOT, too.
How about steam? The gym I go to has a steam room, and that seems to really work for me. That or sauna, and then washing in cold water right away after. You can steam at home, too, with a bowl of hot water and towel over your head, though that is not as much fun unless you enjoy channeling the 1930s.
But it does let you avoid the whole trial-and-error waiting period involved with different creams and acids and whatnot.
A friend of mine got a job offer in her field (YAY) but it's out of town (I WILL MISS HER) so we're going out for celebratory drinks tonight!
And then tomorrow I'm spending most of the day on the couch with another friend, drinking and having snacks and watching ALL of The Tenth Kingdom, which is now on Netflix Instant. Tell me I'm not the only one who knows about this?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher The Tenth Kingdom! AHHH I loved that show. I had totally forgotten about it too.
@feartie My roommate has it all on videocassette. She's been carrying it around for years even though we've never had a vcr.
@LaLoba NETFLIX. Tell your roommate, she will be beside herself. (Hopefully.)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Ahhh The Tenth Kingdom! NICEY-NICE.
I LOVED it back in the day. I even got the crap "novel" that came out with the videos (that I recorded from the TV AND the actual NBC-approved tapes).
I was re-watching it the other day and man, it has not aged well.
@abetterfate I haven't watched it in years. Pretty hyped, though I'm sure it's going to be a rough one. Oh, 90s (?) miniseries... (when was that crazy thing made, anyway?)
As I rambled on about in the advice column thread yesterday, I've recently begun to experience enormous anxiety about moving to England in a few weeks to begin my MA. I tend to panic when confronted with leases and bank statements and official letters, and dealing with all of these in a different country is even more stressful. I know for sure that I'll have a wonderful time once I'm over there, but for the time being - panic and dread.
But! I'm self-medicating with episodes of The Great British Bake Off, and I've recently taken up running, which seems to be helping the anxiety! Fit Pinners - please share your experiences with Couch to 5k!
@Decca Couch to 5k was PHENOMENAL--I got to the 20 minute run and kind of took off on my own from there, but it was miraculous in getting me from literally-cannot-run-a-block-without-wheezing to run-twenty-minutes-plus-no-problem. DO IT DO IT DO IT.
@Decca as someone who has screwed up MANY a moving-to-a-foreign-country logistical necessity, let me reassure you that like many things it is not as bad in real life as the anxious panic you can cultivate about it in anticipation. just print out a copy of every document you ever receive and carry them around in your purse, ready to brandish defensively.
@Decca I didn't do couch to 5k as I am awful at following plans, but what I did was intervals which sound awful but aren't too bad. Using something to track your distance (light poles, telephone poles, mailboxes, something) you run then walk. So for example this past week I did a 5k but I did it running two light poles, then walk a light pole. You can divide it up however you want, run one light pole, walk one, run one walk two, whatever. You can even shift it in the middle of the run from 1/1 to 1/2 or anything. Just keep upping the ante and add distance or a better ratio and you'll eventually get up to the full 5k distance.
@Decca running has helped my anxiety immensely! i just put on some good music and go for it--no plan, no worrying about speed or distance, and when i come home i have the pleasure of mapping my run with google maps. join our fitocracy group if you're on there!
also, for your international travel. the british can be scary at customs, but i take comfort in their orderliness. @plonk is right, just keep all your documents in your purse.
@Decca Two advantages about moving to England over other foreign countries: First, they speak English, which is a huge plus. Second, I found that when there is an administrative snafu, they expect you to just mumble an apology and shuffle home, in true English style, and not, for instance, walk down to the finance department to find the actual person responsible for actually authorizing the release of your money and demanding to know when they will do so (for example).
@Decca so I've done C25K. runningintoshape.com has really good podcasts. Then I stopped. Now I'm doing a spark people plan and it's also good. But seriously, plans work for me. if they don't, do what @soial theory says.
@Decca JOIN FITOCRACY AND BE MY FRIEND.
I was wondering how Project Moving was going. You'll knock it out of the park!
@PistolPackinMama Yes! I actually joined a little while ago but then never logged back on because I was confused and had no friends on it. What's your username? I'm Casserine, add me!
@everyone else Thanks! I'm happy to hear all the recs for C25k. I've just finished the first week and loved it. And thanks to everyone who reassured me about moving. I'm just in from work, and it was so lovely to come here and read all the lovely messages.
@Decca Should I have a pic of myself drinking a beer as my Fitocracy profile picture, Y/N?
@Decca I did Couch to 5k! Was sooooo not a runner, not an exerciser, always walked the mile in gym class, like, no. But now I look forward to my runs! Get the C25K app if you don't have it already, you can listen to music and it will tell you when to run and when to walk. Since I've been running I've had more energy, spent more time outside, been less stressed and generally happier. I hope the same for you!
Also: It's kind of a one-size-fits-all program, but you should make it work for you. Sometimes I couldn't do all 3 workouts in one week, or I didn't have it in me to run for the full 28 minutes (or whatever) that day, but I went back and did every workout eventually. Good luck!
@Decca I started the C25K a year and a half ago and I'm still running. Running really is a great cure for anxiety, which is a condition I suffer from as well. I've had a period of adjustment with a stressfull promotion, new boyfriend, etc (not that I'm complaining), where I've lost some fitness, but I signed up for a 5K in September and it should be no problem. I'm not the type to get "addicted" to exercise (mostly, I just never liked it), but I find my self running *voluntarily* for *fun.* WHAA???
Keep up the good work!!
@Decca I added you!
Ugh, this week has been relatively shitty. Last Friday I went out of town and left my dog with my best friend, and unfortunately on a walk he got away and got hit by a car. I received the phone call and had to put him down over the phone (awful, awful) and have been spending the week bursting into tears when I see his toys/pictures (even my stupid avatar is the dog). I treated the dog like my child so it's been really hard. I know I posted about this in the dog column earlier this week, but somehow it feels better to complain about it, and the Hairpin is always so great.
@beanie Oh, honey, I am so so sorry. That is awful. Take some time to let yourself grieve--losing a pet is hard, and the way you had to lose yours is more awful than most. Lots of hugs and good thoughts your way.
@beanie I think that goes beyond relatively shitty. Losing a pet is always difficult, but those circumstances sound particularly awful. I'm so sorry for your loss.
@beanie Oh I am so sorry. I am sending you all the hugs in the world. If you want to tell us about him, we'll happily listen, but if it's too hard, just know we are thinking of you.
@beanie I am SO, SO sorry! That is terrible, and I am sending you all the hugs in the world. I hope things look up for you soon!
RIP, your doggy.
@beanie "Relatively" shitty? That's objectively shitty. I am so sorry. You lost a dear friend in a tragic way, don't for a minute feel bad about taking it hard. Hugs.
@beanie I am so so sad for you. :( My mom had a similar experience last year, and I'm sure it was very tough not being able to be with your buddy in his last moments. Sending good thoughts your way! And, I'm sure it doesn't make you feel better, but I bet you had a whole lotta good times before that one sad choice had to be made. (And, it's my personal belief that animals are very very forgiving in the afterlife. He knows you wanted to be with him.) I guess I don't know what else to say, but...I hope you feel better? I hope you can focus on the good times?
@beanie I'm so sorry about your dog. I lost my pup in a similar way (his name was Bean!) and had him as my avatar all over the place too and I remember how painful it was. Big hugs if you want them <3
@beanie Oh no. I'm so sorry.
@beanie I am so so so so sorry. I can't even imagine - internet hugs your way.
@beanie Oh my God. I am so, so sorry. Just reading your post made my chest tight. I'm sending you as many good thoughts as I can. I'm so sorry.
@beanie Oh my god. I can't imagine going through something like that while away on a trip. My cat passed away a month and a half ago and I still cry about her regularly. :(
@beanie oh my GOD. This situation is my worst nightmare, I'm so sorry you had to go through it. I'm sure your dog was lucky and grateful to have had the time he had with you.
Dogs are like 75% of the reason I hope with all my heart for an afterlife.
@beanie I'm so sorry!
@beanie Oh I'm so sorry. :( Huge huge internet hugs.
@beanie So, so many hugs. :-( This is my absolute worst nightmare. I have to travel on business a fair bit and leave my pup in the care of others. I try not be neurotic about it, but UGH, I just can't even imagine how I'd be able to deal with it.
Give yourself lots of time to mourn!
@beanie I am so sorry, the whole situation sounds massively upsetting. I can't even imagine.
@beanie Oh beanie, that is awful awful news. I am sending you so many hugs. If you would like to tell us cute/funny stories about your dog, we would love to listen.
@errata stigmata I completely agree-the thing I hope for most in the afterlife is to be greeted by all my old pets.
Thanks everyone for listening. I've had two dogs before, but they both died after being sick for some time/old. Biggy Smalls was only 1.5, but he was with me through a lot of monumental moments in the last year: taking the LSAT, getting into law school, getting engaged, a cross-country move, etc. He always could be counted on to cheer up me, and loved to give kisses and snuggle under the covers. He was only 12 pounds but loved to play fetch endlessly. My fiance and I feel like we have lost our best friend and are devastated. I know we will get another dog eventually, but right now I just wish I could have mine back.
@beanie He sounds like such a sweetheart. I'm so sorry you had to lose him.
@beanie Oh my God, this is the worst. I am so so sorry, I'm all tearing up for you. Spend a lot of time wallowing, your grief is important.
@beanie I am so sorry for you. Losing a loved one is bitterly hard, and it takes time for those memories to become sweet. It seems like his time with you must have been very happy. He was lucky to have been so loved.
I'm only working part time lately so the Friday Open Thread doesn't have the same hard-earned sweetness any more. #underemploymentblues
I am on holiday from work! My plans to actually go somewhere didn't happen, but oh my god I have an entire week where I am being paid to lie in bed eating! It's the best!
Successfully navigated the first ex-sighting since the break up. I think we are gonna be ok. We smiled, waved, chatted a little, and danced one dance. This is the type of ex-dynamic I can get behind.
@Dragon I am jealous of the amount of dancing you seem to do...
@PistolPackinMama I try to go about once a week, sometimes more. It's just about my favorite thing in the world, so I try and do it a lot! (Having a best friend who bartends at my favorite place also factors in. If I want to see her on Fridays, I've gotta go dance)
FOT downer! Maybe. But you peeps are awesome and can maybe give advice?
I think.. I think I'm becoming depressed? I'm in a slump, and it's been a slow drop, but there it is. I don't know how to drag my ass out of it.
Like, i didn't bother to fold my clothes, I just stuffed them into the drawer. Which.. I don't do? And I'm aware I need to clean my bathroom but I can't be bothered. I've given up on my writing, and my jogging, or even wearing my fitbit.
I don't know if it's just ennui, or end of August slump, or what have you. It's a terrible time right now for TV, which is my usual distraction.
And I'm not -sad-, and I take all my vitamins and get lots of vitamin D and am healthy, so I dunno. I'm just so.. down.
@JadedStone Depression! It is a bitch of a bitch, and it is not always something you can just "drag your ass out of." That's the thing about depression. (And it can get into a cycle of I-should-be-able-to-snap-out-of-this-but-I-can't-and-that-makes-me-feel-worse, etc.) Please don't be shy about going and talking to someone about it! If you're a student, there are usually a lot of free/reasonably priced options for counseling and therapy on campus, and if you're not and are uninsured, ask around for providers in your area. Depression is a real thing and a serious thing and should be treated like a physical ailment--because it is.
Big hugs and good thoughts headed your way! I have been there, girl.
@JadedStone I don't have any advice, but I am here to say I think I am in the same boat. I haven't been cleaning my apartment as well as I should be. I feel like I'm sleeping a ton, but I'm not really, and I'm tired a lot. And I'm having a lot of thoughts (nothing harmful, I promise! Just stuff like, "I feel like getting rid of all my stuff" and "I wish my hair was long again so I could cut it all off again") that I have to step back from and be like, woah, lady you are not thinking straight, what is going on?!?
Anyway, since I'm not seeking help myself, it seems hypocritical to tell you to seek help. So I guess what I'm saying is—if the situation becomes more extreme, or even if it stays the same but you decide you don't like it and want it to change...seek help. I'll try and do the same!
@JadedStone Hi, I'm in the same boat. I don't have any advice, just commiseration, I guess. I've finally decided I've had enough of just dragging myself through the day, so I made a MD appointment talk about it. [So now I've replaced my slumpy ennui with anxiety about going to the doctor (which I hate) and a whole lot of mixed-up feelings about medication/therapy/etc ... yay?]
@JadedStone I think a big question we need to know is how long has this been going on? If it's just been a week or two you could just be feeling down (everyone has slumps) but if it's been a few months I would say you might want to consider therapy. It kind of sounds like it's been getting worse for a while and you've finally hit the (hopefully!) bottom? That sounds like depression to me, because it's pretty much exactly what happened to me.
@TheUnchosenOne It's just been... well, a week since I dropped the writing, a few weeks since I dropped the exercise. But this sort of crying thing and feeling really really off(Like when I read your responses, all, and started to tear up) has only been going on for 2 days. It hit hard yesterday.
My mother, growing up, said you're only allowed 3 days to be depressed. I suppose because tomorrow is day 3 is why I'm being so weird about it. I have one day left to sort this shit out!
(I recognize this is not true, but then.. Issues! I has them.)
Thank you guys. I think what I really needed was the solidarity? You start thinking you're alone in this, and it's awful.
@JadedStone This is how my depressions start. It's also how PMS feels, though, so it's not always an indicator for me that I'm getting depressed. But it's something to take note of and keep an eye on.
Man, there is all kinds of depression / therapy talk on here tonight. I am sorry all you wonderful people are hurting! Fuck depression / ennui / anxiety, seriously.
@JadedStone Oh honey. I am sorry. Yuck.
If it doesn't back off in a week or two, go see a pro, please. You don't need to suffer from the grim, and they can help you.
Also your mom is lovely, I am sure. But she's wrong.
(In Soviet Union, Depression has YOU.*)
*Bad 80's vodka ad joke.
@JadedStone You're most definitely not alone in this. Thanks for being willing to talk about it. Keep talking about it.
And try to motivate yourself to do something, anything. At the very least, go outside and get some air. It'll help.
@JadedStone Ummm this is how it started for me when I fell into a major depressive episode at the start of this year. So please be careful with yourself!
Try and do the following every day:
- set an alarm and get up before 10:00
- eat food 3x a day (try and make it healthy food)
- go to sleep at a reasonable hour
- make a list of 3 simple things to do and then do them
If you feel like that is oh god too much then it is doctor time. Not time to feel bad and wonder what is wrong with you, not time to feel inadequate, not time to think "if I ignore this it will get better", DOCTOR TIME.
Speaking from experience here... take care of yourself <3
If you feel like that is oh god too much then it is doctor time. Not time to feel bad and wonder what is wrong with you, not time to feel inadequate...residential treatment
I am giving on asking anyone to ever do anything, everyone else already has plans.
@aliceandstuff giving UP on.. fuck. fuck this month, seriously.
@aliceandstuff It's almost September!
@aliceandstuff You and me both. And if I were to call you and ask if you wanted to do something, it would be the ONE day this week that you had plans.
Also, I'm going to use this as an opportunity to mention that an invitation that boils down to, "Hey, here's a cool thing you could do with us, and we'll give you a ride there but you have to find your own ride home because we have other fun plans right after that don't involve you"? Yeah, that's NOT an invitation.
I have 5 hours left of work before I can start my stressful vacation! I'm going to Seattle for the first time, my BF's from there so I'm meeting the parents and partaking in a wedding, SO excited. The groom asked us to bring 12 (!!!) bottles of some Turkish brandy with us, I guess there's a shortage, and I can't even describe the stress this is putting on our trip, checking in that much alcohol is a nightmare and my bf is nearing a meltdown. yay?
@avoidmadness can you mail/ship that stuff? Because that sounds like an unreal pain-in-the-ass nightmare scenario to check those bottles.
@charlesbois You can't ship booze through US mail, granted I've mailed out a bottle or 2 of beer but through Fed Ex but it's illegal to do so . You can get away with the small amount I've done but 12 bottles of hard liquor is another story.
Dear Hairpin, what do I need to be reading right now? I'm living in a city with a fabulous library once again and filling out my hold list.
Also there's a book, I heard about it somewhere on this site and cannot figure out what it is. Victorian era dragons. Sounded fabulous. Help me out?
@rianne marie I just started reading The Rainbow and it's damn fantastic. Even better is reading it out loud, it's luxurious language that should be pouring in and out of mouths.
@rianne marie Is it the Temeraire series? Look here: http://www.temeraire.org/temeraire/
I haven't read them yet myself, but they're on my 'to read' list.
@JanieS Those books are pretty awesome! Candy-reading. I haven't read the most recent one, but completely ate the previous ones up.
@JanieS Readthemreadthemreadthem. *ahem* :D I mean, what I meant to say was that, those are most definitely books that deserve a spot on your "to read" list.
@rianne marie A Suitable Boy!
@rianne marie Trollope. All of it.
@rianne marie Was it Tooth and Claw by Jo Walton?
@rianne marie I am super super into Patrica Highsmith right now. She wrote The Talented Mr Ripley and four subsequent books featuring Tom Ripley and they are really great little thrillers about a charismatic murdering con artist in 50s/60s Europe. Super well written, super compelling, and endorsed by Nicole!
@rianne marie Tooth and Claw! and its so much fun!
There is a Pin-up tonight at Crown & Anchor at 8:00 PM. Hope to see you all there!
PS - If you want to get in Austin Pin-up plans, e-mail austinpinup at gee mail punto com to get on the mailing list.
Also, I might bring my dog, PJ, better known as "The (small) Sea Cow of The Land".
@wee_ramekin You'd best bring that dog! I'd threaten to bring my cat but no, she's a cat and a bully so she can stay home and watch Mean Girls until she learns something. Looking forward to tonight though!
@wee_ramekin Lol, I saw the big words "Austin Pinners," and I thought it was the beginning of some kind of play on Austin Powers. Yeah 90s movies.
@wee_ramekin There isn't going to be another in two weeks, is there? I'm visiting family in Austin for a long weekend and will be so in need of drinks! And meeting 'pinners who can convince me to just move there already.
an infrequent poster from Brooklyn
@lindsayishere Hey lady! I don't know when the next Pin-up will be. I started out as the organizer of the group, but then school/life/foster dogs kicked in, and I handed organization duties over to another Austin Pinner. If you e-mail austinpinup at gee mail dot com, she should be able to let you know when the next Pin-up will be!
I miss the Monday book sharing/recommendation posts!
@KatieBarTheDoor Me too! Every week I get excited, and then I'm disappointed. Nicoooooole!
@Cat named Virtute We're back this upcoming Monday, never fear! I've been in a poetry mood, but your needs are, as always, my muse.
@Nicole Cliffe Have I told you lately that you're the best? Because you really are. And poetry moods are always welcome in my, ahem, books.
How disappointed should I be in my friend who posted a status update saying that he was eating Chick-Fil-A and it was pretty good?
This is a person who walked away from his church over their anti-gay teachings and has a least one gay friend that he deeply cares for; he's not anti-gay but... I feel really disappointed, am I overreacting?
@iceberg Nope! He was perfectly free to go on eating Chick-Fil-A and just keep his pie-hole shut about it. That he facebooked it indicates he was trying to send some kind of public message about it, and I'm rather at a loss as to what else it could possibly be apart from "I am trying to offend queer-friendly people."
@wharrgarbl My suspicion is it was a straight-white-dude moment "oh look how cheeky I am" because he doesn't understand or doesn't give credence to the symbolism involved.
@iceberg Yeah, but he's still being an asshole, and he's still doing it deliberately. If you want to go around making hurtful political points, people get to be upset with you even if you don't "really" endorse those views. Because guess what? You just actually endorsed those views, in public. So I'd say no, you're not over-reacting, unless you're planning on, like, salting "no homo" into his lawn or face-punching him or something.
@wharrgarbl "salting "no homo" into his lawn" I want to do this to someone now though.
@iceberg Are you within driving distance of a Romney residence?
@wharrgarbl I dunno, I could easily see that being a completely innocent post that he literally never had eaten there before and it was pretty good, completely not even realizing that his words could be looked at that way.
I feel like I would accidentally do something like that, and then be like OH GOD I'M SO SORRY after everyone started calling me a douche for it.
@Biketastrophy it's definitely not that.
@iceberg Well then yeah, light his lawn on fire since he's funding anti-gay groups.
I'm happy the closest CFA is >1 hour away cause I LOVE their food and am sad that I can't eat it anymore.
@iceberg You are not overreacting. I'd call him out on it and see what happens. Hopefully he realizes what a jerk he's being.
@iceberg Is this a "hipster racism" bullshit kind of thing? Like, I AM CLEARLY NOT HOMOPHOBIC, SO IT'S FUNNY IF I DO THIS TOTALLY HOMOPHOBIC THING!!! Which is assholery, but maybe amenable to change? Either way, no, you're not overreacting, and you should totally call him out, if you feel comfortable doing that.
I'm so angry all the time and it's making me so tiiiired. Of bullshit. Of bullshit in the news and being harassed on the street and working too many hours for shitty shitty pay and missing my mom but working too much (for shitty shitty pay) so I can't visit her, even for a day, and a friend of mine the other day said that she's "not like other girls" and then I just wanted to sleep, for like, TEN YEARS or something. Help!
@yeah-elle Maybe you can at least Skype with your mom?
@wharrgarbl Haha my mom does not do computers. She doesn't even have an email! I call her almost every day though, even if we only talk for a few minutes. Talking with her is a double-edged sword because she misses me too and is pressuring me to come home, and I really don't want to ask for MORE time off, because I'm already asking for a day off later in the month for Rosh Hashanah...ahhh.
@yeah-elle It's like ice on the wings - ice on airplane wings. It starts building up and building up, and then your flight path gets all screwy, because ice sticks to ice.
I recommend reading books by Diana Wynne Jones, and other people with good clear hearts and strong voices. And I recommend naps.
Sending good thoughts your way.
@Queen of Pickles And I also recommend E. Nesbit, and watching funny recordings of stand-up comedy by comedians you respect.
@Queen of Pickles Thank you for the excellent recommendations!
I don't even wanna say anything really because I always get so excited over these dudes, then it goes down in flames, and I feel silly. But there's a slight chance that fellow-wildlifer and I may be going dancing tonight. But I think it's a group thing.
@Dragon Wildlife guys are the best.
@flanhoodles Especially sweetheart wildlife guys who are growing their hair out for locks of love.
@flanhoodles Well. He cancelled on me. But he did ask about tomorrow. So I guess that's good
I just got married a month ago and it has been tremendously lonely. I've gone way out of my way to make plans with my single friends and they're just flaky and uninterested. Anyone else had this problem? I feel like everyone forgot about me or I'm no longer in the cool kids club now that I'm off the market.
@parallel-lines Whaaaaat that sucks. I haven't been in that situation, but that is not good of them. :(
@parallel-lines I had that just from moving in with a girlfriend. But also we had moved to a part of town far away from most of our friends, so I was never able to really blame them :(
@parallel-lines Hugs. I really hope it's just circumstantial and not deliberate, or that they finally come around. I would feel really reassured and happy that a new married friend was putting in the effort to see me, given that I have friends who totally disappear into relationships. Fingers crossed they are around more soon.
@parallel-lines I can commiserate on the loneliness, for the opposite reason. Nearly everyone I know is coupled, and it seems couples rarely want to hang out with the singles. I never feel like a 'third wheel' or whatever, but other people seem to be uncomfortable. If a friend's partner is off doing a solo thing, then we can hang, but that's it. And it's kinda shitty. And lonely.
Speaking specifically to your situation, perhaps your friends are giving you 'honeymoon' space? They want you to have time to settle into the marriage and have a chance to catch your breath after all of the marriage stress?
@minijen Oh man, the worst thing ever was when a friend was carrying on about this great dinner party she'd had and oh it was SO much fun and the food was SO good and they laughed SO hard and oh I would have invited you, XP, except that everyone else is married and it would have been weird.
OH MY GOD NO NOT AN ODD NUMBER OF PEOPLE AT THE TABLE! AAAAAAAAAH!
Ugh. Protip: if you didn't invite someone to an event, don't then turn around and tell them that you would have invited them if only their life were different.
@Xanthophyllippa Right?!?! I love hanging out with friends solo, partnered or in groups. Wish they could get over the unspoken taboo/etiquette and do the same.
@Xanthophyllippa Yeah, I also have no problems hanging out with couples, or having a friend hang out with my manfriend and I. Perhaps it's because we're friends so things shouldn't be awkward? Dear god.
The deleted post above is an electronic record of me struggling to find a non-harsh sounding way of saying, "Is it at all possible that you may have been a bit preoccupied with wedding planning and that your single friends may have, rightly or wrongly, felt a bit neglected or become wedding-fatigued?" If so, then it might be on you to kind of make up for that, if you still wish to be friends with them.
I have done this when I have gone through work-swamped periods- call, apologize for being so unavailable, tell them I miss them, arrange something small (coffee, lunch) and during that time focus a whole bunch on the other person and what they have been up to. Maybe you can start small like that?
@Fiddle dee dee I thought long and hard about it and...no. I saw these people at least once a week up until the week of the wedding, went away for ten days for honeymoon, then when I got back it was silence. I've even tried to do the heavy lifting and reach out to people with little success. I wasn't all that hurt until I found out everyone had made vacation plans for labor day without us (we usually do all this stuff together) and then it was very wtf. I know I don't have as much free time as I used to but I'm making an effort with what free time I do have and not getting much out of it. Which sucks.
@Xanthophyllippa To quote Stephanie tanner "how rude!" sorry they said that to you!
Oh dear. That is crappy and I would be hurt, too.
(As you can see, I have exhausted my supply of not-very-useful advice.)
DREAMS. Tell me about your crazy dreams, I want to know them. The more detail, the better.
Everyone I know is having vivid, disturbing/beautiful dreams lately – about fighting for their lives, getting lost, discovering a city, being humiliated, flying. Summer brings out the fever in our brains, I guess. I dreamed recently I was trying to pick up huge silver coins off the street, while passers-by looked on in disgust. What does it mean? Do I have a secret currency fetish?
@Queen of Pickles I have been having dreams about zombies (not in a fun, zombie movie way) and wide-spread infections taking over the planet with people I know getting infected and having to run away to not be infected. In one dream the infection was that your blood was turned into wasps until they just burst from your skin all at once. It was horrifying.
@Queen of Pickles I dreamed that we were in an under-construction train station that nonetheless had trains going through it, and a guy I've recently had a thing for was fighting with/crying about his beautiful girlfriend and then they made up and started talking about how much they hated hair like mine.
I recently found out that most of my friends rarely or never have had anxiety dreams--they just have weird, interesting dreasm. I'd say 80% of the dreams I remember are bad dreasm. It was a little disturbing! My solution is just not sleeping.
@Queen of Pickles I'm famous among my friends for my weird dreams. This is from a long time ago, but it's the one I remember best.
I was walking up a pale sand dune at night, a river behind me, and a full moon overhead. I kept hearing noises, and looking over my shoulder. There was no one there the first few times I looked. Then I turned around and there was a giant animal behind me. It was a twelve foot tall snail. With an elephant-like trunk. With razor sharp teeth at the end of the trunk. It had a raspy, gravelly voice, and it informed me that it was The Hudson River Crab, and it was going to eat me.
I couldn't run. Couldn't move. Then a large white orb floated up, and a man that looked like my seventh grade history teacher stepped out. I recognized him as My Dad (COMMA.) The Secret Agent. He defeated the snail that identified as a crab, and we climbed into the orb and floated away.
Dreams like that are why I've never tried hallucinogens. I don't want to know what I would dream up.
@Queen of Pickles I dreamt I lost an arm, but not recently. Like it had been lost a long time ago and I was just thinking about it for the first time in a while. It was oddly wistful; I wasn't upset, really, it just felt strange to realize how used to it I'd gotten.
@Queen of Pickles My boyfriend and I were getting married, but he ran off in the middle of the ceremony so he could get different shoes (?) and I followed him. Then we were at our reception, which was in this massive barn that our friends had wrapped in tinfoil.
...I don't know.
@Queen of Pickles I dreamed just last night that one of my very good friends was going to cheat on one my other very good friends...with a wolf.
@Queen of Pickles I dreamed I was arrested for killing a cop. It was vivid and awful, even though I knew I didn't do it, because I was pretty sure I would get convicted. Nicely, they let me out on bail and I had a very awkward dinner with my family, where only my mom knew.
@Queen of Pickles I had this one awhile ago, but I still remember it really vividly. So it starts out almost like I’m watching a movie, and I (played by Emily Mortimer, English accent and all) am out with my boyfriend (played by Jimmy Fallon)(?!) at this street fair and we’re talking about this book club I joined. I’m excited and he’s basically making fun of me and being horrible and then he breaks up with me. So I go to this book club and I’m completely miserable, but there’s a hot guy there – who for the rest of the dream I will think of as “Red.” An unspecified amount of time passes and then we’re at his house “hanging out,” and then of course we fall on each other like animals. I leave thinking, wow Red is great! More time passes and I have a date with another guy, who I think of as “Blue.” (By this point, I’m participating, not just watching all this happen.) The date is fine and I’m sort of thinking about Red the whole time and then we leave wherever we are and I notice for the first time that Blue is a good looking dude and I’m digging him? And then I blow him in an alley and we go back to my place for more screwing. Blue is pretty great too! Who will I choose?! More time passes and here’s where things get completely ridiculous. I’m at my house sleeping and Erica is also there. And so are my parents. And so is Red. And so is Blue. And so is this other guy “White,” who my parents like a lot but I have not had sex with. I wake up in the middle of the night and I decide to go eat something and I find Red in my kitchen, cooking bbq pulled pork. So things are sort of awkward between us and he’s understandably a little uncomfortable sleeping over at my place with another guy I screwed AND my college roommate AND my parents AND a guy my parents wish I was screwing. (Why are all these people gathered at my house?!?!?!?!?!) So I start digging through the cabinets looking for tea but I don’t have the kind I want and Red is like, oh I brought some because I knew you would want it. And I say something like, I wish I could have met you when I wasn’t a huge slut because I think you really would have liked me. And he says, but I do like you. Awwww! (At this point in the dream, Red has become Mark Ruffalo, who I don’t even like in real life and am not attracted to at all – and he didn’t look like that in the beginning of the dream!) So then we realize that everyone else is awake and my dad (who is a big black man) starts lecturing Red and Blue about how they need to grow up and get serious about their lives and not act like such children all the time and how they’re really immature and terrible, blah blah blah (while White sits off in the corner looking smug). And then dream-me realizes that that’s the reason why I like them both so much, because they’re free spirits and they don’t live these rigid lives full of rules and they’re just FUN to be around and I like them both and I want to keep them both. And then the last part of the dream before my alarm went off was Red and Blue riding their bikes around the neighborhood where I grew up (right past my parents’ house – I remember thinking, oh I’m so glad they filmed this part here!). So they’re like jumping curbs and racing each other, having a great time, totally acting like little kids. Red has a red bike and a red helmet, and Blue has a blue bike and a blue helmet. And also they’re both wearing tuxedos. The end!
@Queen of Pickles The other morning I dreamed a hummingbird flew right up near me and perched first on my shoulder, then on my outstretched hand. It was brilliant and green, and glinted in the sunlight.
I usually remember my dreams when I first wake up, and used to write them down regularly, which meant that I could recall an increasing amount of detail. Lately though I only remember the anxiety dreams, so the hummingbird-visitation was a welcome relief.
@Queen of Pickles in the past couple of weeks I've had multiple dreams about desserts: the last one was 2 nights ago & it was about strawberry shortcake.
I remember my dreams quite frequently and used to have wicked nightmares/night terrors but thankfully, now that I am out of a super stressful relationship, those have lessened.
@Queen of Pickles I usually have such vivid dreams that it is the part of sleep I look forward to the most! I could bore you to tears with all the dreams I've had. But the most recent hilarious one was a college friend and I hanging out with Kanye West in his disheveled bedroom while a giant party RAGED on outside in his house. It was pretty fun.
@Queen of Pickles My boss at work went to a new job recently and we've been waiting for the company to find a replacement for her. So I had a dream about it last night since I guess I can't get enough of thinking about work. Anyway, in my dream the company hired a guy that I used to work under who quit with no warning right in the middle of a really busy/stressful time for our team. I remember that in my dream I basically followed him around the office yelling the He was just going to get overwhelmed and screw us all over again and why oh why would we hire him back and then put him in a position of responsibility again etc... It was nice because I got to share it with my coworkers this morning and we all had a good laugh about it.
@Queen of Pickles I enjoy this idea for a thread! It should be a regular Friday treat. Dreams are so interesting to hear.
A reoccurring element in my dreams is my father (died before I was born) is suddenly alive and nearby, but always awkward. He is like a returning Saturday Night Live character: Awkward Alive Dad! ~Below Your Expectations~
Last night I dreamt my neighbor and I found millions of small, purple, fluffy creatures, similar with touch to mimosa flowers, flowing up from sewers. They had to do with a complex government conspiracy. My dad (this time, my mailman from Japan) was working for the government, but wanted to help us, and crashed his government van into some other government vans. It didn't help and was sort of embarrassing? I then felt bad for being embarrassed and woke up.
@Queen of Pickles I dreamt the other night about going on a school-trip style vacation to Europe with all my friends and coworker-friends and touring castles and things. Then I lost my phone and it turned into a big subplot thing and then I ended up making out with one of the guys who was helping me look for my phone (who is 5 years younger than me in real life and still seems jail-baity, eeeek! What are you trying to tell me, brain?!).
This is the most vivid dream I've had lately but is significantly less weird than most of my vivid dreams.
Work advice please! I started a new position two months ago and there's so little work for me right now that I'm: a) going out of my mind with boredom; b) spending a lot of time browsing the interwebs; c) wondering why they hired me. When I ask my supervisor for work, he gives me a 10-20 min speech about how this time of year is really slow, he doesn't have a lot of work either, and I'll be grateful for this time when it gets busy. I get the impression that my supervisor and his boss don't like "needy" workers, so after the 3rd or 4th time of getting the "there's no work" speech, I stopped asking.
I would be fine with that, except I share an office with two women who have reason to resent me (drama from before I got here), who are busy all the time, and one of whom used to supervise my position (but that got taken away from her because apparently she's mean). I'm nice to them and I offer assistance, and I help folks immediately when they ask for it, but I can't help feeling like a lazy slacker monster. I actually *was* a lazy slacker monster in my previous position because my supervisor and I had a bad relationship. I want this place to be different. I want to walk out of here with a good reference and good relationships, but I don't know how to be a good worker without any actual WORK to do. HALP.
@Summer Somewhere Read ebooks on your computer and remember to frown as if you're concentrating and furiously tap at your keyboard/click your mouse every ten minutes or so? You could also fake work-related calls if you really want to roll with it.
@Summer Somewhere This is a tough one, espeically for a new job, but maybe you could slowly offer to help out others who need it? This won't work if the whole office/industry is slow, but.....maybe try to use your talents to help others who need it? And keep trying to help the already-there ladies? Also, my job is really slow right now too, so I feel your pain/slight annoyance. ;)
@Summer Somewhere Bring them fancy coffees and listen to their boring stories about grandchildren or the injustice of the mechanic and always agree with them about feeling indignation so they like you and think you're on their side? That's what I would do but I am real bad about people "not liking" me so I'll go to weird passive lengths and then you get all entrenched and it blows. The better way is to somehow not care about their mean thinking, but that's hard too.
I don't know what type of work you're doing, but can you say, "Hey I've never done that before, can I observe while you do that thing and learn from you?"
"remember to frown as if you're concentrating"
Ah, the ol' Costanza method. Works every time.
@Summer Somewhere Can you make up something to do? Like organizing your desk drawers or taking inventory of the supply cupboards? Demonstrate you are a go-getter?
@Summer Somewhere waaah this is happening to me too! I just finished my second week of work and so I'm still at that awkward stage where I don't want to keep asking for work because I should be a self-starter but I also don't know anything. I know there's work for me down the road but it's weird because everyone else is working on contracts and I'm typing away at... nothing.
@sudden but inevitable betrayal I could inventory the supplies and clean them up a bit while doing it. Not-boss-lady apparently did it before I got here and I don't want her thinking that I think she did a bad job (even though she did) and UGH POLITICSssssss
ATTENTION ALL PINNERS
For anybody who didn't see it last week:
If anybody wants to do a mix CD swap, email me at figwiggin [at] gmail [dot] com! Give me your contact info, whether you can ship internationally, and any personal music info you think would be helpful to your swap partner, and I'll hook you up with someone who'll send you some sweet tunes!
Alternately, just send a mixtape to your regular pinpal and call it good.
And yes, you CAN have multiple mixtape partners! I've been starting everybody out with one each, but if you've already sent one out, feel free to request another! Just make sure you aren't being overly ambitious, we want everybody to be able to get the music they're expecting.
@frigwiggin FYI, I'm working on three mixtapes myself right now--test-driving one right now to see if the song placement is right. I'll be getting mine in the mail next week, swap partners! I was going to do theme CDs, but then they all just sort of became Best of Frigwiggin's Favorites. Oh well!
@frigwiggin I'm kind of doing the same thing - I tried to be all deep about what I put on there, and then just realized, well, okay, this is just some cool stuff. I'm not even sure they move well from one to the next.
In short, I suck at mixes. Advance apologies to everyone who's been paired with me. :(
@Xanthophyllippa Aw, I'm looking forward to it! I'm test-listening yours right now, hopefully you like it as much as I am.
@frigwiggin I HAVE MINE! ALL DONE! READY TO SEND.
And I have an extra, so if someone needs a swap partner, I can send them one, too.
@PistolPackinMama Yay! I listened to yours, XP's, and RH&C's and they all seem good so I'm going to burn them and send them out next week! (The CD drive on my home computer is busted so I have to wait and do it at work on Monday.)
@frigwiggin Woohoo, thanks for the reminder! I'm halfway through compiling mine, getting really excited to send it out.
Hey everyone, hope you're all having excellent weeks.
Hope I'm not overinfringing on open thread good graces, but I need to vent some sad crappy depressed feelings, because, jesus, I feel like my brain is just getting more and more sadcrazy. I finally called my gp to make an appointment for a referral for a counsellor/therapist, but I can't see her until the 6th, and I feel like I am just losing my shit. Living with my folks, trying to find a job, and stuck in the cycle of broke and depressed. I can't afford to go out much, but being at home all the time is making me crazy, and when I do go out, I feel like such a bummer because people keep asking me what my plans are (since I just moved back from the city where I dropped out of my last semester of my master's) and while the actual answer is find a job and get my mental health shit together while I figure out whether I'm going to finish my degree or not, if they press at all, I just start crying and it's super embarrassing (I have also avoided seeing my old writing prof and writing group and high-achieving childhood friend who's about to go to law school in England for these reasons). And I just feel like such a bummer to be around, and I've barely seen anyone from my main group of ladyfriends since I've been back and while logically I know they've got a lot going to with travelling and grad school starting and house buying and a death in a family, I feel so alone and neglected and like they just don't want to make the effort to see me because I'm no fun right now (and possibly the Renee of the group? Oh god). It also doesn't help that my folks are on my case about getting a job and deciding to go back to school or coming up with a game plan good enough to justify not finishing, and I'm finding it so hard to write cover letters when I don't actually believe that my experience is good enough for most of the stuff available. Oh guys, everything is so hard. I know most of this is therapist-and-antidepressants territory, but since it's going to be a while since I can have either, I could really use some support or advice. I hope things are going better with all of you.
@Cat named Virtute Oh, hugs! That sounds hard. The things that occurred to me right away was that it might be good to a) take some solo-walks somewhere pretty. I collect acorns and pretty rocks sometimes, which is a nice, free activity. and b) subdivide your time. When I'm feeling overwhelmed by the number/immensity of the things I need to accomplish, I find it helps to set the bar very low. Like, today I will write one letter. Tomorrow I will send that letter. Figure out the maximum that feels doable, and then do slightly less. It's such a relief. And it's just part of the process of making it to the 6th (which is really not so very far away, actually!)
@Cat named Virtute I was there last fall - unemployed, alternately living with friends / family, depressed / broke. I dropped out of med school a few years ago and my class finished this spring, so I felt like a major failure. I went to the park / walked a lot, and read a lot, and that was about it. My friends were / are also crazy busy, and that sucks when they don't call you back or have time to meet up. And my parents didn't nag me, but even the regular "have you heard from any jobs lately" that are meant to be encouraging / interested get really depressing when you're unemployed and discouraged.
The 6th is 2 weeks from yesterday, which may seem like forever, but you can make it! I don't know where you are, but if there are any free cultural things, maybe that? We have a lot of free music around here and that was helpful. I am not good at this, but maybe someone here can help you come up with a response to "what are you up to these days" that just shuts the questions down.
@Cat named Virtute Hugs! So...I went through a very similar situation with my phd program last fall. If it helps, you know, this too, shall pass. In the meanwhile, talk to people, even if it is just us hairpinners. That was honestly the thing that helped the most through all of it.
Will second adorable-eggplant, low bars are the way to go. Today, I will send my CV to this many professors, in three hours, I will check that email again, allow one hour for wallowing, etc.
@Cat named Virtute I'm sorry you're feeling so down. :( Wouldn't it be nice if life was like the movies and we could just escape to some distant relation's cabin in the woods to re-center ourselves and find a bit of peace?
adorable-eggplant has some good suggestions. I find for myself, finding things to do that get me out of my own head are key. Maybe a really complicated puzzle or a crossword or intense craft project? Anything where I don't have time to sit around thinking about what a terrible failure I am (because your brain doesn't remember that YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE and it's not weakness to feel that way).
@Cat named Virtute Oh no, I'm sorry, this sucks. Where are you? I forget. I don't know if you are near Boston, but if you are I will make plans with you! I have been there...(by there, I mean, felt like a drag and a bummer to be around, and also crying at the drop of a hat...it sucks.)
Is there a movie theater near by? You could find a funny movie to go to? That would get you out of the house but remains fairly cheap? When people ask you your plans, can you just tell them that your plan is to finish this drink and bird dog for hotties?
I'm so sorry you feel crappy...no better listeners than the 'Pin! All the hugs to you.
@sudden but inevitable betrayal Or K-dramas. Those are super addictive when I'm headed towards a depressive swing because of how good they are at getting me out of my own head.
Amusingly enough, my therapist told me as an aside one day, that apparently I was not the only one to report K-drama marathon watching as an impending sign of a slide into depression.
@Cat named Virtute I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, but since you have two weeks until you talk to a therapist, I found that writing down everything I wanted to talk about before my first session really helped! I didn't cover all of, obviously, but even just doing that helped get it out of my head a little bit.
@Grumplestiltskin Ohhh, thanks, Grumple! Sadly, I'm in Winnipeg, so a bit of a hike, but that's so nice of you.
@TheUnchosenOne That's a really good suggestion, thanks. I saw a counsellor and then a psychologist last year, and didn't find either at all helpful and one of the problems was, I think, that I felt like I didn't know how to "do" therapy. Like, all this sadness would come out in a big torrent and I would cry, or I would feel like I had to put on a brave face and justify my decisions and depressive thinking/behavious and it just sucked. If you or anyone has suggestions on things to bring up at a first session instead of just having a sadness explosion for me to practice writing down, that would be super helpful.
Thanks everyone. Pinners are the nicest ever.
@Cat named Virtute Well, for me there was one Big Issue that I knew I was going to be focusing on, so I just immediately brought that up. I don't think there's any "right thing" to bring up at a first session. Just start talking and hopefully the therapist will be able to help point you in a direction that's helpful.
@Cat named Virtute
Sadness explosions suck, but I had a really good therapist and it still took me at least a couple of months to go from sadness explosions to working on real shit. Part of it's developing trust (sometimes we would just not talk, and maybe I would cry, for the whole hour, which felt like a total waste but actually were some of the best sessions. Who else in your life just lets you cry without needing to fix things right away?). I am starting therapy again, and I've just kind of accepted that it takes me a while to be able to be totally honest and not justify and minimize things. I think they're used to that process.
I also have a hard time focusing on working on real shit when I am in crisis-mode, which maybe you are right now?, and it's OK for me to go to therapy and just cry during those times.
@Cat named Virtute I'm so sorry you're going through this!
I agree with those who suggested walks. Exercise will hopefully help. I went through something similar when I left school and lived at my parents' house for awhile. Getting a bike was the best thing I did.
@Cat named Virtute <3 Word. The Grim blows. It really does.
I am so sorry you are feeling so down, especially because I know what a cool person you are. Boo. At least it's not cold yet?
I think finding a therapist is kind of like dating, and once you find the right therapist, you can and should let it all hang out, no bravery or justification necessary. But it can take a while to build that trust. It took me a few tries to find the right person here, but now he knows stuff about me that I have never told anyone else, and it's cool.
Oh man, I have felt this way SO MANY TIMES. Right now, I live in a city that I don't love, where I have made few friends, working a temporary job (that I do love, so there's that), after taking a huge pay cut and going back to school. I miss my old life so much, where I lived in an amazing city and had lots of friends and there was so much to do (but I didn't like my job). (I decided that my career was/is my priority, hence the decisions, and I don't regret that, but, you know, sometimes...) My friends and I are at an age where people are getting married and having babies, and I don't know where I'll be living in a year. And I've had to go back home and live with my parents when it seemed like everyone else was traveling and cohabitating and being fabulously successful. It's hard not to compare myself to my peers. I don't know what your experience with depression is, but as someone who's prone to it, maybe I can offer some advice? Also, these suggestions are mostly what I've found helpful once the bulk of the bad stuff is under control, when you're in counseling or whatever.
Whenever I find myself slipping into those feelings and thoughts - regardless of the circumstances, there's apparently always a reason to feel like shit! - I try to remind myself that it's temporary. Hmm. Does this make it sound like I am making light of depression? I am not; I think it's very, very serious, and there have been times when I was very, very depressed and anxious. I am on meds now, so I think that is probably why my "episodes" are shorter than they used to be, but I do still get down and it's very hard to change thought patterns, but anyway, it does help me to remember that I won't feel awful forever.
I've also realized that I'm someone who thrives on routines and stability. I need to eat breakfast every day. I need that breakfast to be relatively healthy. I need to have a little bit of time in the morning to read the news, eat breakfast, drink my tea, and wake up. I am not willing to lose that time. I also need sleep. I need alone time to recharge. Sorry to begin every sentence with "I," but I think it helps (for me at least) to know what your physical needs are, and to make sure they're met.
Exercise. This is a big one for me. I can tell when I need to exercise because I'm grumpy and feeling out of sorts. I don't have a lot of money so I don't belong to a gym, but I do yoga in the winter and walk/rollerblade in the summer, and those endorphins are my best free friends.
Keeping busy. Whether it's a job (any job), volunteering in your field, writing something for a publication, babysitting, walking the dog, crafting, etc. etc. etc., keeping busy is important. I have had to go back home and live with my parents a couple of times as an adult, and the best thing to keep me from feeling like a horrible loser was to volunteer and/or get a job. You get the added benefit of being a well-rounded person with interests, which never hurts.
Being honest with people. I'm pretty open about my experiences with depression and anxiety, and to my knowledge I have never driven anyone away by acknowledging that right now, it's difficult just to get out of bed, or that there have been times when it was. I used to lean mostly on my mom for support, but there are a few trusted friends who I'm able to talk to, too. Having someone - even if it is just one person - who is understanding and supportive can make a big difference. But most people don't want to pry, and it's hard to ask someone point blank whether they're depressed, so I've found that being the one to bring it up is the best way to go about it. Not that you want to tell every single person you encounter, but you know, having confidantes is a very good thing, and I hope you have some/one. If you don't, feel free to email me at tasha dot caswell at gmail dot com.
I hope this helps!
@Cat named Virtute
Super long comment boils down to: Your brain is being a jerk and telling you all sorts of things that aren't true. Most of it will be hard to sort out without a pro, but one big thing it's telling you is that your friends don't want you around. That is a damn dirty lie. Your are not the Renee of your group, and your friends, busy though they may be, will want to be there for you but probably don't know what you need yet. If one of them came to you and said, "I really need to get out of the house, hang out on the cheap, and not talk about anything farther into the future than next week. What day is good for you?" You would be there for them. But it feels so high stakes right now to do that. Partly because it is important for your friends to support you, but also partly because your brain is being a dick to you. Maybe you're not in the right headspace to do that. It can be really hard to be vulnerable like that and it might just not be an option for you right now. But if you think you can, please give your friends the chance to be there for your.
Alternatively, I also live in Winnipeg and I've been in the awful headspace-place (just climbing out of that pit right now, actually) so I'm sympathetic to what it can do to a person. If you want to get out of the house and do something, but just can't bring yourself to do things solo, feel free to email me, I am maladydee (at) gmail (dot) com
@Maladydee My friends were much better at supporting me and spending time with me when I was super depressed if I told them exactly what I needed. Not that you always know, but it was easier for them to support me if I said, "Let's have coffee / cook dinner / go to a matinee."
@Cat named Virtute I am only just seeing this now, late to the party and about to head out, but...I was in a very, very bad place last year, right around this time. It. Was. Bad. But maybe, after 20-some years of a lot of struggle with depression/emotional issues, I'm finally figuring it out? I might actually...be happy? Even so, I was struggling (again) with depression earlier this summer. Difference being, I think I've learned to deal with it, to be honest about it. I know exactly how you feel. So!
If you ever need it, email@example.com. I promise, promise, promise...I have been there.
And you don't sound like a Renee, at all.
WRITING ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP....ASSEEMBLLLLLLLLLLEEE!
I wrote 1500 words this week!! BAM! It was difficult to start up again, but once I did, I couldn't stop. Glorious.
@lora.bee I wrote chapter 1!! AND did another edit of my novella MS! UNSTOPPABLE!
@lora.bee I wrote 1300 words today and have another 900 to go for my particular project, but it must get done tonight, so like before 1:30am (it's 9:30pm where I am). I still have 11,000 words of my dissertation though, but it's better than the 350 I had last week after moaning to the Pin! MOMMY WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE A WRITING MACHINE.
@lora.bee Oh god I need to start keeping a word count, don't I? Wait let me estimate for the last....week.
@lora.bee I did not do as well as all of you! :(
But I've been reading, a lot, of work from writers whose voices I love. Does that count?
@lora.bee You guys! You guys are making me so happy. You're all awesome!
@Rookie That totally counts! I am from the school of thought that reading a ton of good writers is essential to producing good writing. Essential.
As for me, I don't know exactly. I think I wrote about 2000 one night, and did some editing on sunday. This weekend I'm going to spend a few hours in a coffeeshop for more editing. Editing is the worst.
guyssss i'm leaving berlin finally tomorrow night! i am so excited to go home! but the weather, THE WEATHER WHY. they're predicting thunderstorms for chicago, where i have a connecting flight to newark, around the time when i land. so i've been looking at direct flights to newark, and there are a couple on my airline; does anyone have experience with going up to another flight's gate and just asking to get on that flight instead because you're worried about delays? i have done it once, but my flight was almost certainly going to be cancelled so i'm not sure if they just made an exception for me.... just for specificity i'm not any kind of important person with frequent flyer miles or memberships or anything.
@i'm a self-rolled man I tried once and was told no, but you have absolutely nothing to lose by asking. Good luck!
i'm pregnant! and we just told our families, and now i'm telling you, strangers on the internet. pregnancy forums are really weird, and i can never keep track of those crazy acronyms.
@hellomynameis Congratulations! May you avoid morning sickness and be all like "Oh, hey, the baby's out? Wow, that was an okay labor!" once the birthing-times are upon you.
(Congratulations, that's so exciting, I love Hairpin Babies!)
@hellomynameis Congrats! Hope you're feeling awesome and living it up!
@hellomynameis Hooray for Pinner Babies! I believe the term once they're born is Pinfants.
I hope you're feeling awesome and will continue to do so!
@hellomynameis By the way, the Pinner Hivemind is currently playing guess-the-gender with a pregnant Pinner downthread. I'd offer up our services, but we won't know how good we are until she finds out the gender next week.
@hellomynameis yayyyyy, congratulations!!!
I was on TV this week because of the Hairpin! A lady in the DC group posted in the DC Hairpin Facebook group about a volunteer organization at the beginning of the summer, I joined it, and this week they needed someone to represent their volunteers on a news segment! I'm not trying to gloat, I'm just sincerely happy that the Hairpin has provided me with such a good extended group of people to talk to and hang out with. Yay!
@toastercat OMG that is so cool! I'm still in the DC FB group after spending the spring living there, but I'm back in SoCal now so I just have to peep from afar.
@toastercat Awesome! If you can find a clip online, send it our way!
Oh snap I just realized how good that shrimp cocktail looks. We used to always see my grandparents in Las Vegas so shrimp cocktail reminds me of family. Shriiiiiiimp.
@Valley Girl I <3 shrimp cocktail so hard. I want some right now.
That shrimp cocktail makes me want to gag.(I'm allergic. with Mt. St. Helen's like reactions.) Too bad there isn't any Burberry around.
In further France bs:
On my work contract for teaching and in emails from mysterious French people, I was given the name of one school. A month ago, I emailed one of the mysterious French people and asked if I was definitely just teaching at that school. I didn't hear anything, but when I got my official contract, it only had that school on it, so I assumed that's the only place I'm working.
Today: Short email from above mysterious French person tells me I'm definitely working at that school...but maybe one or two more. But they'll all be near the original school, don't worry!
(The school is in a kind of rural suburb. The closest schools are at least 20 minutes away.) FRAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNCEEE
@Faintly Macabre oh, yikes. i had some friends in a similar situation in rural austria...i hope the trains/buses run frequently?
@Faintly Macabre Oh France. How are you at cycling? I found that was the best way to get around in my own rural suburb when I lived in France!
@social theory There are a good amount of train/bus lines in the area. The school I know for sure I'm teaching at is at the edge of town and 3km from the closest train stations, though, so this could mean a lot of buses/schlepping back and forth.
@Jenny Dunne I'm not so great at cycling--the last time I went was my abroad program's orientation, when they rented bikes for us to cruise around a peaceful little island. My parents sold my bike years ago without my even noticing! But I was going to have to buy a bike anyway to get between my school and the train station, so I guess it's more reason to practice before I go. At least my favorite sports equipment shop is in the next town over from the school...
@Faintly Macabre Ah, bike shopping will be fun! What part of France are you going to?
@Jenny Dunne@facebook I'm working about half an hour north of Paris and hopefully living in Paris. Yeah, I think bike shopping/riding will be fun once I get the hang of it--it's more everything else that's scaring me!
Trying to get up the gumption to go to the dermatologist my GP recommended. Any special questions I should definitely remember to ask? Anything I should definitely not let them do to my face? My mom said something vague about a burning lamp? I just want my face to look ok guys!
Slumber Party Question of the week: how many 5-year-olds do you think you could take on at once? They have been schooled in basic fist-fighting and are going for the kill.
@errata stigmata Write a list! I find that it helps me to keep things in mind. And also, take a look at the ingredients in your facewash/lotions, you may already be using partially medicated stuff that can make your skin sensitive.
In general, I find that not letting any doctor do anything I don't understand is a good rule of thumb. Good luck!
@errata stigmata I could take on three five-year-olds at once, as three will pull you from different directions but will create an inherently stable triangle.
Four or more, I'm lost. Good luck.
@errata stigmata: I immediately thought of this.
@errata stigmata I have had literally 20 10 year olds chasing me at the same time. I was a camp counselor and there was a huge group of them chasing 3 of us. The parents were even there and just thought it was hilarious. It eventually ended with the three of us up these 7 foot telephone poles that were in the middle of a field and the parents finally called it off after I gave up on not attacking their kids and was smacking them with the sticks they were trying to poke us with.
To answer your question, I could probably take out 20-30 five year olds, as they are small and cry easily. At a different camp I was one of four counselors for 30 5-6 year olds. I'm sure I could've taken them all on, since they were always lost and confused all the time.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher: And repeat, until:
@celeec4@twitter Thank you! I will definitely do that.
@everyone else aaaa that comic, I laughed so hard I scared my customers! I'm pretty sure I'd max out at 10 (I mean I'm fighting for my life here), but all of the people* I asked over the last hour or so were like "oh, 50-60, easy". Like, dude, how much babysitting have you done in your life.
*I work in a comic book shop, so it was a much higher proportion of guy people to lady people.
I can no longer say that I've never dropped my phone in the toilet. :(
@frigwiggin oy, been there. hopefully it happened before any business!
@double paw? Fortunately, yes. It was not a good start to the morning, though. I just kind of wanted to call the day off and go back to bed after that, you know?
I only realized very recently that Legally Blonde is a pun on "legally blind."
I've owned the DVD for at least 5 years and have 85% of the lines memorized.
@lilly pilgrim: I was well into my twenties before I realized that The Beatles is spelled like that because it has the word 'beat' in it. Yeah.
DOES EVERYONE KNOW THIS??!!
@lilly pilgrim: I feel so much less alone now!
@laurel "Clueless 'Punners Club"
...I don't know, yuk yuk, I'll quit while I'm ahead
@lilly pilgrim OH!
I was on my sixth or seventh read of the Harry Potter series before I got the pun in "Knockturn Alley."
@Canard I didn't get that until just this second! Oh, and here I was, feeling superior because I knew the beat pun in the Beatles.
...!!!... Do you think there is a brain condition that prevents one from figuring out puns or puzzles unless they're told outright? Asking for no reason, no one I know is alarmingly bad at that stuff
@lilly pilgrim Pun-zles
@Canard OH MY LAND IT'S NOCTURNALLY. NEVER EVER IN MY YEARS DID I FIGURE THAT OUT.
@lilly pilgrim Well, I'm an idiot. I missed every single one of those.
@Canard Same thing with Diagon Alley - took me until someone mentioned it last year.
@laurel MIND. BLOWN.
@Cat named Virtute: I'm so glad we had this little chat!
@lilly pilgrim If it makes you feel any better, I have never gotten any of these, and I've seen Legally Blonde about 10 times, read Harry Potter (full series) about 20 (some books more), and have obviously always known about The Beatles. So, Punnally Challenged, right here.
** Urgent Advice Needed **
I have to have dinner with my Mom tonight. I've been avoiding her too long, and I'm having surgery next week. This is stressful.
However, this was just made more stressful by the fact that she's decided to bring my Grandmother with. My grandmother who "likes" half my feminist Facebook posts, but also "likes" Paul Ryan for VP.
My health and fertility being what it is, I honestly feel that anyone I know who votes Republican this year is making a personal attack on me. Normally, I would see this as an opportunity to have a spirited debate, but both my Mom and Grandma are proper Catholic, passive as all hell women who are rather meek and sweet on the surface, who I would feel awful steam rolling over. But I have to say something. Right? How?
There's not enough wine in the world.
@NeverOddOrEven Do you have to say something? It's not your job to fight them over things they aren't going to change in a way that will just exhaust you and make you feel like shit. Just talk about football or the church choir or something innocuous and what kind of casserole you would like as you recover from surgery.
I should add to this that my family DOES NOT TALK about uncomfortable or Bad things. No matter the severity or complete obviousness of the situation. I fucking hate playing along with it, but to do otherwise would be breaking major, long established, emotional taboos.
@NeverOddOrEven Shit, that's rough. Maybe try putting it bluntly like you just told us? Like, "You guys know my what I'm going through with my health and fertility. These people endorse and promote policies which could literally kill me/destroy my life/whatever you're staring down the barrel of. You know this. I can't help but hear 'We don't care if you're collateral damage' when you say that you support these politicians. It's deeply hurtful, and it's affecting my relationship with you."?
ETA: I mean, if you feel like you need to say anything. Your mental health comes first, and if you live in a voter-ID state, your gramma might have been disenfranchised already, so no worries?
@NeverOddOrEven I don't think you have to say something. In fact, I think you should make an effort to steer clear of political conversation - it will probably lead to a stressful, awkward dinner situation, and it doesn't sound like you need more stress in your life right now. (This is v difficult for me to do, but I don't find political/religious altercations with family members ever leads anywhere good. You're not going to change their mind.)
@NeverOddOrEven I agree with what the others are saying, it doesn't sound like it needs to be brought up. Unless the surgery you're having is an abortion, I can't imagine how it would matter. (And if it is...I told people I was having a uterine tumor removed. Which...kind of?)
I do feel like I have to say something, I just don't know how it can happen without someone turning into an emotional mess in public.
But I feel very fucking strongly about this. Parts of my family are supporting candidates that could literally kill me someday. How can they even look me in the face? How can I look at them?
@sudden but inevitable betrayal
I didn't want to explicitly say it because I feel like a drag this out enough around here, but it matters because I have a rare illness (hence surgery) that includes pregnancy being life threatening for me.
Like I said to my sister today, sure I have an IUD but even birth control is under attack, and it has to come out eventually. I'm sick and I'm fertile, it's not a huge leap to take.
Just like a shitty action movie, This time, it's personal.
@NeverOddOrEven Agh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this kind of issue! I hope your surgery is successful, and I wish I had some good advice on how to be eloquent and firm while stating your views in such a way as to make your family be understanding.
@NeverOddOrEven Do you have to say something tonight? I totally feel you on NEEDING to say something, but might it be easier if you wait until post-surgery / not in public but pre-election? I have no suggestions about how to bring it up, though, because I really suck at potentially-confrontational situations.
(I also have a medical condition that would make pregnancy... not life-threatening, fortunately, but very bad for my body. It made my uterus prolapse when I was in my early 20s with no kids, so having a kid would fuck things up in there.)
@sudden but inevitable betrayal Yipes. I know what you're saying, but I'm not even pro-choice enough to call a foetus a tumor. Probably just struck me because... shades of Brigitte Bardot describing her child (that she carried to term) as a cancer.
My plan at this point is to get as drunk as possible without it being obvious and just hope the conversation never goes that direction.
However I am the conversation* any time they're around and this is very much on my radar. There's really not a day that's gone by in at least two weeks that I haven't cried about something related to this.
And I can only talk about the decor in the restaurant for so long.
*Seriously. For a few years now they treat the rest of us like animals in a zoo. Anytime they want to spend time together they basically just watch everyone else interact and rarely if ever participate in conversation.
@NeverOddOrEven Do you think you could make make the plan only bring it up if they do first? So if Grandma starts talking about that handsome Paul Ryan and his bright ideas, firmly point out the disconnect between her love for you and her support of someone who would pass laws endangering your health. Another possible tack: if they mention voting GOP, ask in a completely serious earnest way about what you should do in the event that you need bc/an abortion under GOP governance. Genuinely solicit their advice, and if they make any noise about how they're sure it would be fine/they'd send you to Canada/there's any other sort of exception, make your point.
But if they don't bring it up, I don't think you need to, at least until you're recovered from surgery. Yes they believe in shitty candidates, but I promise you're not the only thing between them and a dem vote. But I understand wanting to fight the good fight, and I admire you for it. Good luck tonight.
@NeverOddOrEven This is maybe a bad suggestion, but my mom handles potentially-upsetting things much better (by which I mean, she doesn't throw a shit-fit) if I am clearly upset. I guess it makes her feel all maternal? She's usually a raging homophobe, but when I was bawling my eyes out over an ex, she seemed to get it a little more, and I think it made her less homophobic after that because she got it on an emotional level. As much as you might want to have a totally logical conversation, this is also an emotional issue for you, and maybe letting that emotion show a little bit is OK / helpful? Also, I second the "just be blunt" and say the truth: the policies they support could kill their daughter/granddaughter. Maybe the fact that you normally play along with the "don't talk about bad things" taboo will impress upon them how serious this is to your health and life?
@Kakapo But support, support, hope you're well. I just realized I sounded like an asshole. Slight ADD problem. I had to mention Brigitte Bardot after seeing that comment.
That's exactly what the little devil on my shoulder is telling me. My Grandmother is the type of woman who lives and dies by what is expected of her, and I'm not confident she's ever actually thought about why she votes republican other than that's what Catholics do/what my Grandfather told her to do. Plus I have a bat-shit crazy conservative aunt who never left home and kinda seems to hold all of her strings.
I can't help but think that I could change their mind this time. But I don't know if I could without getting so upset and angry that I turn into a tear-filled, flustered lunatic.
@NeverOddOrEven - Could you maybe bring up the topic acting like you don't even *know* who they support? Would that be feasible? Like, if they bring up your surgery, you could them move on to "wow, my body is really messed up, and by the way did you hear about this one thing Ron Paul said? CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? With this crazy body I have, I will literally die if he gets any kind of power, good thing he's getting all this out in the open NOW before the election! Can you imagine the nightmare that would happen if we didn't know what he thought about this until it was too late?" - This may very well turn into a "lively" debate but at least you're initiating the conversation in a way that isn't directly attacking your grandma, because you're acting like you don't even know this is an attack on her.
And if she says "actually I think I'm going to vote for him" you can start crying and ask how she could do that to you. Dramatic? Yes. But this is a dramatic race.
@KeLynn Oooh, maybe I'm really twisted, but I kind of love that.
@NeverOddOrEven Oh my god. You've been on my mind this week because I knew the surgery was coming up soon.
Yeah. I feel like... you could just say it. Just say it, and if you feel like crying, cry. Not "how can you vote for these guys oh my god."
But just "I've been in tears a lot lately. And today I heard an ad all about how great Paul Ryan is, and I lost it. I mean, great, whatever, he has a charming smile and is a good budgeter. But he supports policies on birth control and abortion that could literally kill me. And I feel so upset that these issues are coming up just when it's becoming really real and serious to me how much I CANNOT BE PREGNANT. Do guys like him just not think about women, ever?"
Then more wine and tears.
Good luck- whichever way you go with it, I know you will be OK.
Aw, thanks. It's sweet you remembered.
So dinner went well. My mom was having a good day and was in good spirits and conversational. My grandma didn't say much, just looked upset and held back tears as they asked about my surgery.
We did get on the topic of sex and sex ed, and I got a chance to touch on my Who The Fuck Do You Think You're Kidding It's a Biological Imperative and Everyone Does It platform, but didn't push it any further.
@NeverOddOrEven I'm glad it went well!!! I think it's good that you can go into surgery without a lot of conflict between you and them. And then once surgery is over and your health is hopefully stable for now, you can be all, "Hey, remember how scary that was? Well, things could be even more scary for us if birth control, etc., are restricted even more..." Good luck with surgery!
Anyone else immediately think of "Beetlejuice" at that shrimp cocktail image? I've got Harry Belafonte songs in my head now.*
*This is not a complaint.
@nowwhat Six foot, seven foot, eight foot, BUNCH
Hellllp... So, I started therapy today, which is good! Finally! And it's totally free if I go through student health - maybe 80% covered if I see someone in the community, but I'm not totally clear on that (stupid fucking worthless student health insurance!). So I'd like to make student health work.
So. I was cool with the therapist I saw, until he asked me what kind of statement I'm making by wearing my hair buzzed. It wasn't said in a "you're a deviant lesbian with psychological problems" way, more "getting to know about you," but, still... I feel weird about this question. I mean... I guess I am making some kind of queer feminist statement, but why does my hair HAVE TO be a statement? And what if my hair was growing out from some kind of involuntary hair loss, like from chemo?
Was this a totally sexist question that should make me run away, or should I let it slide for now? (Note: I am not good at thinking of good responses on the spot, which is why I didn't just ASK him if he would ever ask a man that question. I always think of the right thing to say an hour later...) I tried and didn't like 4 different therapists within a year when I had insurance before, so I might just be too picky...
On the other hand, YAY THERAPY. Even if I decide to move on to someone else.
@billie_crusoe Why not ask your therapist next time you see him? I know first impressions mean a great deal, buuut...as much as I adore my current therapist, I KNOW that I was Not Amused/Believing after our first session.
Therapy, awesome if you have the right person. If this guy isn't for you, try and ask if there are other therapists within student health that you can work with.
@billie_crusoe Yeah, I suggest asking about it next time, too. It could be he just phrased the question poorly! I know I sometimes say things like, well, "What kind of statement is your hair making" when I mean "Is your hair making a statement." He's a therapist, yeah, so hopefully he'd be better about it than me but he's still human, you know?
@celeec4@twitter Yes, I should just ask him when I see him Monday. The "problem" is, I had am AMAZING therapist a few years ago, and she set my expectations too high. But this guy seemed otherwise OK, so maybe I just took it wrong.
I am also maybe super-jumpy because literally over half of the therapists on my insurance list list "Christian therapy"* as one of their specialties. And one guy's website legit read like an MRA website. I'm pretty sure he even used the words "men's rights." Give me a fucking break, Tennessee.
*I accidentally saw a Christian therapist once. I was still Catholic, but that wasn't good enough, and he spent the whole time arguing with me about how I didn't have OCD, I was having an existential crisis because I didn't believe the devil was an actual physical force in the world. I left crying out of anger and feeling totally taken-advantage-of that I had come for therapy and got bullied with a fucking sermon instead.
Anyone else have therapist horror stories? That guy was awful.
@billie_crusoe Oh man, I found SO many Christian therapists when I was researching therapists in my area last week. They're probably more in an Anglican/United/Mennonite God's love kind of vein, since that's more common in my area but, nope, this depressed queer chick with asymmetrical haircut is not willing to risk it.
@Cat named Virtute There were quite a few who listed LGBT AND Christian therapy, which could either be "I'm going to say yes to everything and get more clients" or conversion therapy. Or actually-cool Christians who are not homophobes, but I'm not taking any chances.
@billie_crusoe "My statement? I state that I do not like caring for long hair." Then the hairy eyeball until he blushes.
Seriously, what kind of question is that? Was he expecting you to break down in tears and offer up profound thoughts about your relationship with your mother?
@billie_crusoe Yep, that was my thought process too. The last thing you need in a difficult emotional state is someone picking apart your sexuality.
@TheUnchosenOne I said something about just liking my hair short, and he said, "Yes, but you're also making a statement, too," so he did mean it that way (and I think that bothered me more than the question). But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time and assume he wasn't being sexist.
@Xanthophyllippa Probably yes. Therapists! If only all my problems didn't actually come from having an emotionally abusive mother! I'm just a walking cliche :P
@Cat named Virtute Seriously!
Why yes Edith, I do plan on eating something delicious after all the lovely ladies on the Seattle FB pin page gave me great recommendations for a date night dinner. And the Seattle weather is rocking my world as I have spent the past month in 100+ degree heat in CA & TX.
Okay, okay. I love the Bay Area and come 'round Berkeley every couple weeks or so, but somehow I can NEVER FUCKING DRESS MYSELF for bay weather. Jeans? It's pleasant and warm and I sweat. T-shirt and light sweater? I freeze my ass off. I'm this close to packing three different outfit options for tomorrow because I just cannot figure it out otherwise.
@frigwiggin From my limited exposure to the Bay Area, my typical outfit is: Jeans, T-Shirt, sandals, plus largeish bag with:
possibly wind-breaker depending on planned location.
@frigwiggin I've lived in the Bay Area almost my entire life and I still can't dress properly for our nutball weather.
@frigwiggin All the layers? Leggings / tights + skirts were my favorite for Berkeley because I could take the leggings / tights off.
@Ophelia Yeahhhh, that's pretty much the way to go, it just makes me grumpy. Stop making fun of me, weather gods!
@abetterfate At least it's not just me! The friend I always visit is much better at handling the cold than I am, so I think she just kind of chuckles at me when I'm ill-prepared.
@billie_crusoe Yeah, I might do that (like I do just about every other time). It just feels weird to be contemplating taking a pair of boots when it's still 90+ degrees here in the valley! I can never quite believe it gets so cool/cold there when I get bay-ready and I'm sweating in my car until I cross the Altamont Pass.
@frigwiggin And the weather changes so much in the Bay! You can go into Berkeley in the morning and it's foggy and 60 degrees, and then it's 90 by lunchtime. I always ended up freezing in SF when I crossed the Bay.
@frigwiggin Yeah, the first time I went to SF (in July), I came from a friend's house in Alamo, where it was 110, and had to immediately buy one of those really ugly tourist sweatshirts to keep from dying of hypothermia.
@abetterfate I grew up in SF, and I use that as an excuse as to why I'm always carrying a giant bag with a full change of clothes in it. Despite this, I still can't bring my Santa Clara-dwelling self to bring an umbrella every time I go into the city, which inevitably leads to my being soaked.
@frigwiggin It definitely depends on where in the Bay you're going to be. The City is always at least 10 degrees colder than anywhere else -- and even then different areas/neighbourhoods vary wildly in terms of fog vs. sun.
You can't go wrong with a skirts + tights/leggings, cardigans and lightweight jackets. The trick is to wear them all at once, and slowly peel off layers as the day progresses.
PINNERS! I am turning 30 soon! HOW TO CELEBRATE? I'm in NYC and my birthday's on a Saturday and I am overwhelmed with the possibilities.
@dj pomegranate Maybe the Czech beergarden in Queens? I went there for my 30th birthday. If you go early on a Saturday you can claim a whole bench! If you don't get too wasted (as I did) you can still go out and celebrate in the evening.
@dj pomegranate I turned 30 in New York, and while at first I wanted to do something low key, I later decided that I really wanted to see my friends. On my actual birthday, I sent out a facebook message to all my friends in the city and New Jersey, saying that I'd be at some random bar (cannot even remember the name now, the one by the Daily Show's studios), from 5 'til closing. I was overwhelmingly pleased by how many people showed up, even if it was just to say hello or to have a single drink, and also by how well my liver held up to the 7 hours of torture I subjected it to. I have also had fun at other people's more involved celebrations, but I'm lazy and easy to please, so mine suited me perfectly.
@Marquise de Morville Also they have MASSIVE amounts of food
@She was a retail whore My birthday is this Sunday, and even though I feel like birthdays are less of a thing after you turn 21, this one is my golden birthday! I feel like it should be sort of special. But all of my friends seemingly conspired to be out of town or otherwise unavailable that day, so I'm all by my lonesome and it sucks a lot. At least I've got the pinup!
@Marquise de Morville - That is one of the things I did on my 30th bday too.
I also went out the night before, w/ a friend who turns 30 the night before me, and had the mutton at keens with a lovely scotch. The next morning we did dim sum then spent the day at the beer garden. really great birthday.
Slightly salacious request for advice . ..
My few-month gentleman caller, with whom I am in midst of a giddy, booze and rainbow filled relationship stage, used my computer and thank you to predictive text and cookies or whatever, when he typed some letters into craigslist it led him to searches on the personals for illicit BDSM-ish sex activities!
I DID indeed search for these and have before as a matter of personal curiosity and interest. I don't really have any desire to share this slight interest with someone I'm actually having sex with, nor would I EVERRRRRRRRR actually try and meet with someone for casual sex from Craigslist. I am just not into actually doing these things at all!
Gentleman caller, however, didn't really know this, and was sort of disturbed as he's out of town every other week and we hadn't REALLY talked about our exclusive dating status until just recently. He confronted me about it, and because I was so annoyed at having this personal and, honestly, secret interest exposed, I wouldn't explain it very well and just kept trying to deflect his questions for a while. I was annoyed that I was somehow apologizing for doing something that wasn't wrong at all, and for being forced to divulge something about my sexuality that I really didn't want to. I probably could have handled my side better, because I guess he is validated in seeing a bunch of personals searches for specific sexual acts while he's out of town and then my sort of hysterical repsponse to it, and of course he has the right to feel upset.
We talked about it again and while he says that he believes me and trusts me on a conscious level, he now has this... thought in his head that he can't get rid of that bothers him. What do we do? I don't want to talk about it anymore, I wish he'd never seen that stuff because I'm just not interested in sharing it with anyone and I feel very exposed and "outed."
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Private browsing. Every. Single. Time.
@LaLoba I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say ugh, I'm sorry, that sounds like such an uncomfortable situation. That last paragraph of yours sounds like something you could say to him, maybe? That it's not something you ever actually want to do, or share with anyone, so it is in no way a threat to your relationship, but you think about it on your own time. We all have stuff like that, right? Hopefully he'd understand?
@LaLoba "My computer. My search engine. None of your business. We might be boning, but I don't actually have to tell you anything and right now, you are being a cad for deciding that using my own computer to search for anything deserves an explanation. I'm a grown-ass woman and I can search for whatever I want. We are not going to discuss this again -- not because it has to do with BDSM, but because I don't feel the need to explain myself to you."
@LaLoba You definitely did not do something wrong and this dude should trust you. I don't really have any advice cuz I'm dumb, but whatever the confusion at the outset he definitely cannot put you on the rack over this, no pun intended. We live in the internet, now, and there is weird stuff in everyone's browser history, whether or not there's an existing record.
@S. Elizabeth I think that is what I meant to say, but I felt so vulnerable and embarrassed about being confronted that I couldn't muster good confidence and words. We were also pretty intoxicated when this got brought up, which didn't help. Hopefully it's done now. If he brings it up again I will take these voices of confidence with me to say, "I know you can't control irrational feelings, we all have them, but I'm not going to apologize for or explain my completely reasonable actions anymore. You have to find a way get over it and trust me if you want to keep hanging with me."
@S. Elizabeth - I don't think we can call him a "cad" really. If he was interrogating her after finding out that she googled for porn or something, he would be a cad then. But finding out that she was searching craigslist for BDSM stuff is different. That's a place people go to actually make it happen with strangers. Obviously there *is* an innocent explanation for this, but I think his stress at it was understandable, given the website she was searching on and the fact that they have agreed not to bone other people (right?).
Now that you explained yourself, he should quit asking you, but in the beginning I totally get why he would be concerned.
That is such BULLSHIT! My roommate reads Missed Connections all the time, AND all of the casual encounters, because they're funny. I read them with her because they're interesting! I think a lot of people treat such honest expression of sexuality as interesting reading material, and he's being a fucking creep.
Oh and it's none of his damn business anyways!
@LaLoba Yeah... I would have never brought something like this up at all, but he did. And then I didn't right away just say, "Oh I just read that stuff because it's funny blah blah blah" I guess because I didn't just want to LIE right away (even though that's partially true) but I didn't want to tell the truth either, so it made me seem sort of suspicious.
The good side to this is this - at least I know that when he feels upset about something, he shares it, as uncomfortable as it is, instead of remaining quiet and resentful about something that makes him feel bad. He really wants to talk about his feelings and have dialogue if he's feeling feelings, which is refreshing. He's also willing to admit a slanted or unfair perspective or if his feelings are out of line, so that's good.
@KeLynn Somehow I missed the "Craigslist" in there when I read it, and assumed it was a google search, i.e. information for information's sake instead of potentially looking for someone. I still think there are better ways to approach that, especially since they haven't had the exclusivity talk yet.
@LaLoba Tell him you were doing research for a book.
Pinup! New York City! Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Be there! It's my birthday!
Here is a thing I think you all will enjoy: I got a letter from my pin pal! At least I think it's my pin pal. It is pretty magical (name blacked to protect the innocent) - http://i.imgur.com/rUP4l.jpg
The envelope was also sealed with a kiss. I have never received a love letter before! It is really special, I love it to death. I will have to reply in character but I may enlist writer-friends to make it really authentic-sounding. Should I incorporate my real-life experience into the letter? Should I include an OOC letter as well? I don't know! But I shall perfume it, I know that. A manly scent.
In a fit of intoxication last night my roommate offered, and I agreed, to dying my hair grey-blue. I've never colored my hair, I kind of like it as-is, but I was just all "well I'm not going in for any job interviews in the near future, fuck it". I don't know if it will work!
@Danzig! Happy birthday!!! I could make this Sunday pinup! What are the details??
@Danzig! Also wondering about details, I checked the google group but I did not see anything.
@Danzig! Whew! I checked the group and didn't see anything, either, but I don't frequent Google Groups and was worried that I just didn't know what I was looking for.
@She was a retail whore August 26th! 4 PM book club feat. Sheila Heti's newest! General pinup to follow at unspecified time! At the Hifi on the illustrious Avenue A (169 Ave A to be exact!) in beautiful New York City! Come one come all!
Also Sunday is my birthday, not today. Free drinks for me!
@She was a retail whore / aliceandstuff Ooooh, we should keep up on the Google Group, because the Facebook group is pretty active. Join it if you're on the site! https://www.facebook.com/groups/nychairpinners/
For those of you who might be interested, I wrote another Sherlock fanfic story. This one has Sherlock solving an actual case, a guest appearance from Lestrade and some swans, and, um, a blowjob? If you're into blowjobs, you might like it!
@sophia_h Ahhhh, you are a goddamned hero, sophia_h.
I have a wedding related advice question which I know are super common according to all those advice columnists so sorry for being unoriginal.
SO my coworker has invited me to his wedding. I'd kind of like to go because I like him and I like his fiancee. However, the only people I'll know there besides them are my former coworker (who I intensely dislike) and my boss (who I like). To make things worse, the wedding is like an hour and a half out of town and I do not own a car and public transportation doesn't go to where the wedding is. If I decide to go to the wedding I would have to either rent a car which I don't want to do because $$, bum a ride off my ex coworker which I don't want to do because I hate him, or bum a ride from my boss which would be awkward but not terrible. The reason that I'm shying away from the last option is because he obviously invited me (and my ex coworker and my boss) out of obligation- we do like one another but if we didn't work together he obviously wouldn't have invited me. I feel kind of weird trying to jump through these hoops so I'll be at this thing that my presence isn't really necessary for. Writing this out it seems super neurotic but I'm just not sure what I want to do (and also I'm not sure that I want to spend 3 hours in a car with my boss)(also I can't get drunk and hook up with a random wedding guest because obviously my boss will be there and will presumably also drive me back). Thoughts?
@VDRE that's a toughie. can you take him out for a pre-wedding gush/vent lunch instead and maybe tell a white lie about having a family reunion that weekend already scheduled?
@VDRE First of all, you don't have to go. It's okay not to go if you don't want to! BUT you said you want to go. So! Is there anyone you know who'll loan you their car? If so, that'll solve a lot. You can also ask the coworker if he has any recommendations for how to get to/from the wedding if you don't have a car. He may just say "Oh, ask [boss] for a ride," but he may have another idea for you.
@SarahP Actually the other day he was talking about the wedding venue (it's a state park) and about how he keeps driving out there and I was like "yeah idek how I'd get there" and he said "well you could bum a ride off of [our boss] ha ha" and then he said "or [ex coworker]! What a great idea!" and then he laughed and laughed.
I might see if I could borrow a car though. I should also ask my boss if he actually plans on going.
@VDRE Zut alors! No help there, I guess.
@VDRE ehh, I think I would probably only go with the boss for a ride for two reasons: 1) are you really going to be able to get drunk and hook up with someone if your boss is at this wedding at all? In my case, I would be super paranoid and on my best behavior (YMMV, of course) 2) you said you wanted to go, and while your coworker invited you "out of obligation", he still extended the invite, and presumably wants you there.
@VDRE It sounds like you're thinking about going not because you want to go but because you feel like you *should* go. I am (in general and w/r/t weddings) of the opinion that we should do what we want to do and not what we feel compelled to do. Buy him a nice gift and send a nice, personalized card, but don't bend over backwards to attend unless you want to.
pinners, i could really use some help.
i have posted briefly before about being a pill/my anxiety. i was really trying and doing so well, but a friend set me off on monday (over email, luckily). we had a misunderstanding in which i thought she was suggesting that i had done something embarrassing in front of her friends, with whom i was at a party (without her) for the first time, after having just met them earlier that evening. (this is kind of a big deal right, going out with your friend's friends?) in the email, she reported a version of the night's events that didn't match my version *at all*, and this sent me into an anxiety tailspin. reading back over the emails, it is clear that i reacted negatively to her attempts to tease me about flirting with so-and-so at the party. however, i think i kept most of the crazy in my head, and was able to very calmly, kindly, and maturely explain to her that when she implied that i might have done something embarrassing in front of her friends, it made my insecurities go through the roof. relevant details: i was not drunk at the party, my uni counseling center does not do phone appointments for overseas students, when i tried to see if she wanted to get a drink before leaving town for the weekend, said friend "didn't have time," and yes, i have explained my anxiety to her before in a FYI kind of situation.
so, pinners with experience with anxiety--do you think it's likely that i was indeed able to mask the crazy? or does one's nutiness shine through? why does articulating my boundaries feel so scary? why is this friend a trigger for me?
i think i have largely resolved the specific incident, but i would be really interested to hear your more general advice on coping with anxiety and managing these types of situations without letting people know how crazy your head feels. the self-doubt and self-loathing (at not being able to be "normal" and "take a joke") is the veritable worst.
@social theory I think your friend sounds like a complete tool.
@social theory Seriously, what S. Elizabeth said. If your friend is aware of your anxiety, why would she act like a dick and set it off by 'teasing' you and making you feel like the weirdo here?
@social theory Yes, it sounds like maybe your friend is the problem, if she actually said you can't take a joke.
I find that, except with people I am super super close to / fucking, I am pretty good at hiding my crazy. I can count on one hand the number of people I have ever in my life felt comfortable around, and I'm pretty sure most people can't tell that I am constantly anxious when I interact with them. So, yes, I think it's possible to mask the crazy?
@social theory agreed w/ the above, your friend is being thoughtless.
More to the point, your crazy does not shine through! I was having a freak out the other day and after a frantic text my friend responded w/ "shame is not reality", which is something that I think is v. true! And definitely worth keeping in mind. You feel your neurosis very acutely, and you judge yrself v. harshly for it, but your perceptions are skewed.
When you get that "stage fright" feeling, when you feel like your dysfunction is plainly evident to everyone who sees you, that is only the critical eye you turn on yrself, it's only you punishing yrself for not being the person you feel you should be. You seem to be really really hard on yourself, but you shouldn't be, because you're thoughtful and you deserve to be treated well, even by yr own self, especially by yr own self.
You did the right thing in reaching out to someone but unfortunately the person you chose was a dickhole, which is no fault of yours. You have friends, or you will find friends, who have their own issues (everyone does). They will take you in when you're feeling bad and remind you that people are more generous toward you than you are to yourself. That helps you get out of the grip of yr own judgment.
Also, meditation works well with me sometimes! Just breathing exercises, even.
@all, thanks. i'm leaving out some of the details because it feels too complicated to explain, but, yes, i don't think she has a very good understanding of anxiety. she actually questioned me when i told her in the FYI situation that i was dealing with anxiety, sooo. there are also cross-cultural communication issues afoot here.
i know she got the message that she had overstepped her boundaries (the serious boundary transgression came in a later email asking me what my "taste" in women was and offering to introduce me to someone from my age group...the person i had purportedly flirted with was a bit older). my lovely anxiety helped me join those two emails together (rightfully or not) and this is when i started to nose dive.
i am currently debating whether to have a frank discussion with her about it next week, or to just let it go and slowly ease up on contact once i'm no longer living in this city (2 weeks). that was primarily why i was asking about how much crazy was coming through--if i was able to control my crazy, then i have no bad behavior to apologize for if we do have a convo, and if we don't, then i don't need to worry about it.
@Danzig! thank you times a million. i keep reminding myself that i am surrounded by many wonderful people who do *not* make me feel awful, so when i encounter someone who makes me feel so terrible, i need to do better at remembering that it's not me/just me.
@social theory N/P dude, I know that feel
@Danzig! jeeez I did not follow through on the your/yr thing there.
@social theory Uh... your friend needs a lesson in how to be sensitive. Jeez.
And you sound like you did good.
And you can cover the crazy most of the time... but it's okay to be crazy. You're bats, not secretly planning to cause the apocalypse. It's okay to be anxious, and expect people who like you to help you out.
@PistolPackinMama I also noticed that with my anxiety, I don't have to "hide" my anxiety with people who make me feel comfortable because there's less of it in general. It's also one of my big "ding ding ding, listen to your body, S. Elizabeth!" signs -- if I consistently feel super anxious around someone, it's not me. It's them.
If you go about your day and your anxiety level is a 3, and then that friend shows up and your anxiety level shoots up to a 9, that's not all because you have anxiety issues. Listen to your body/mind, they can be helpful sometimes.
(Sometimes they can be awful and irrational, though.)
I am headed to visit my parents on the train today, and as I was leaving the house this morning I realized I had an open bottle of wine in the fridge that would not be nearly as palatable when I returned to it on Monday, so I put it in a mason jar and brought it with me. TA DA...Train Wine! Happy Friday 'Pin!
@Grumplestiltskin - #1 I love this. #2 Can I ask the story behind your username? My boyfriend calls me that when I am being grouchy and I thought he was the funniest, most original person, but now I'm thinking maybe it has some origin I don't know about but the two of you do? Are you secretly dating my boyfriend? ARE you secretly my boyfriend? If so, I really wish you would share your train wine, jerk.
@Grumplestiltskin Train wine! I have had many a one-person Coppola merlot while on the train. It's thrilling to drink in public like that. But be careful when you go down the stairs.
@KeLynn Do you know the fairytale story Rumplestiltskin? I believe that both are a play on words of that.
@KeLynn Oh man! I am not your boyfriend, but I would have happily shared my train wine. I actually had a more train wine (and less train food) than I anticipated, so my parents got an ear full of work stories and political epiphanies when I got home...good times.
We started calling my sister Grumplestiltskin because she, while being the funniest, most delightful person on the planet most of the time, is the crankiest, grumpiest person in the universe when she hasn't had enough sleep. It has become a term of endearment for anytime anyone has the tired cranks since then. Tired cranks are my life story these days, so I figured it fit.
@okaycrochet I successfully walked three train car lengths in heels and with a duffle bag to disembark post train wine. I was proud.
@thebestjasmine - I knew it had to do with Rumplestiltskin, but I'd just never heard anyone else ever mash those words together before is all.
@Grumplestiltskin - Tired cranks! Sounds like you just need LIFE wine available at all times.
Soooo...I'm losing my health insurance at the end of September (woo hoo being 26!) and I've been trying to be all responsible and buy some. Actually, my parents are being awesome and paying for it for me. Anyway, I already got rejected from one company and I feel like I'm about to get rejected from another one. It's making me feel super bad about myself, like ugh, my enlarged thyroid is NOT a goiter, ok?
I know it's a numbers game for the companies, but I didn't expect it to be this arduous. I was probably being super naive, but I honestly thought it would be such a snap to get health insurance, not cheap, but I never in a million years thought I would get rejected.
I know I'll get through it though, because one way or another I'll have health care, but I just needed to vent!
@rallisaurus Finding health insurance is the woooorst. Read policies closely, if / when you find insurance. I was super excited about having insurance again after being uninsured for 10 months, but it is TERRIBLE insurance that is almost not worth having. It's student health insurance, though, which is probably the cheapest policy they could find, and I have way too many preexisting conditions to ever get insurance on the individual market.
@rallisaurus - When I graduated college and was kicked off my parents' insurance (the magical "you can stay on it until you're 26" rule hadn't happened yet), I called to get health insurance and actually got a company to say "yeah, we'll cover you, in fact here is your temporary policy number you can use until you get your real card in the mail" and THEN what came in the mail? Not a card. A rejection letter. And this is AFTER I told my employer that I didn't actually need their benefits package because I was fancy and had my own health insurance.
I don't get it. I even said "seriously, can you just not cover my fucked up parts, I just want health insurance and I'll take your crappy stuff and even pay for my pre-existing conditions out of pocket so it won't bother you" and they wouldn't cover me.
I'm so hungry for chocolate ice cream right now. Must resist. Dang delicious ice cream, why do you have to be so tempting?
It seems that there's a Simpsons version of farmville on the app store. Hello, new obsession.
@LacunaKale Well I WASN'T hungry for ice cream until you said that...
@LacunaKale Seriously! Skinny Cow! Probably full of cancer chemicals. But you don't have to feel bad about eating it, calorie-wise, if that is your concern. Get the chocolate fudge cones or the little individual containers of chocolate brownie Yummmm
@KeLynn Too much soy, makes me farty :(
I haven't posted on Friday Open Thread lately because life has been... interesting.
If you've read the FOT consistently since February, you know about the ongoing romance with Ladyfriend, who is my very awesome, very cute girlfriend. We're still together, yay!
However, Ladyfriend was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few weeks ago and it's been really hard. The prognosis is really good, and she should be okay after chemo, which starts in 3 weeks.
We're going to kick cancer's ass together! Go team Ladyfriend!
@S. Elizabeth Go team Ladyfriend! I'm glad to hear the prognosis is still good, post-biopsy-results!
@S. Elizabeth I am so sorry you two have to deal with this tough situation, but it sounds like you've got a great attitude about it. Many hugs and support from this corner!
@S. Elizabeth I've been following your posts on the HFC, and I would just like to offer my support one more time, and also just say that I am really pulling for both of you. You two are amazing together, and I love the way you write about her. All your love and affection for her shines through so clearly, and it makes me happy that relationships like yours exist. I am so thankful for the good prognosis.
@S. Elizabeth Go team Ladyfriend! All the good thoughts headed your way, and I am so glad she has you around.
@S. Elizabeth: Can I be a member of The Team Ladyfriend Auxiliary? You two sound so great together.
@S. Elizabeth I wish both of you some serious ass kicking.
@S. Elizabeth Cancer's ass shall be dealt a mighty kickening, the likes of which it shall never forget.
@Porn Peddler A mighty kickening indeed!
@S. Elizabeth Man, that is shitty news. But we're all rooting for you and the girlfriend! fight fight fight! Fuck you, cancer!
@Cat named Virtute Rage against the Malignancy!
@S. Elizabeth Omg, I sense another pie chart in the making. B'chemo Kill? Scissor Cyst-ers?
@S. Elizabeth Aw, hell. Best of luck to the Ladyfriend, and FUCK CANCER.
I'm pregnant, and in 4 days I get to find out if it's a boy or a girl! I'm so impatiently excited, and it'll be good to find out if my current guess is right.
@soul toast Congratulations, that is way exciting! What are you guessing?
@soul toast Ooooh, can the Pin guess? COMMENTARIAT, TAKE YOUR GUESSES. We'll see if we're collectively psychic, like I've been supposing...
GIRL, GOTTA BE A GIRL. I just have a feeling.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I'm thinking BOY, actually!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Genderqueer?
@Dragon I'm guessing a girl. 50/50 chance of being correct, I guess!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher GIRL! GIRRLLLL!
@soul toast I think technically you have a 51% chance of a girl, unless you're part of the 1%, in which case, apparently your odds are skewed towards having a boy. (somethingsomethingSlatesomething).
@Ophelia Okay, everyone, get your votes in, I'll tally at the end of the weekend and we'll see how the hivemind does at baby predictions. :D
@soul toast Congrats! Can't wait to find out what it is at next week's open thread! (My vote is girl).
@frigwiggin Definitely open to the idea of genderqueer, but I think that will manifest a bit later than at 19 weeks of gestation.
nonsense, it's all up on Tumblr getting mad about the gender binary in there
@frigwiggin Is there a gender binary issue on tumblr right now? I'm behind on my internet drama.
Although if my fetus is on tumblr when I'm not looking, that would explain why I'm so tired.
@soul toast Have you been nauseous? That is my old wives' tale of choice. Sick = girl. Not sick = boy.
@soul toast Are your gums sore and bleeding? If so, then my vote is girl.
@MoonBat Wait, what?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I was a dental hygienist in my past life, girl babies always jacked up the mommy's gums more.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
Moonbats have really weird reproductive side effects.
@Daisy Razor Sooo nauseous. My doctor actually joked that I might be having a girl.
@MoonBat My gums aren't any more jacked up than they usually are, but they always tend to bleed a little no matter how well I care for my teeth.
@Inkling Not gonna lie, there are pros and cons to being a cute & fuzzy night terror.
I am house-sitting at the mansion again, and think that a pasta dinner, glass of wine, and House of Mirth on the porch will be the order of the day tomorrow.
I start classes Monday, so a relaxing weekend is in order.
(OH! Also it was so exciting yesterday. My best friend has a very close friend who is not very friendly, and I usually get the vibe that she doesn't really like me. We went dancing last night, and she was really friendly and nice, made a point of hanging out with me while our mutual friend was dancing, and even gave me a hug goodbye at the end of the night!)
@Dragon That's always the best, when someone turns around like that. People can be cool!
Oh, on a happier note, both the new season of ANTM AND Parade's End premier tonight! Because I am in stupid Canada, despite my parents' obscene cable package neither actually air here tonight, but thanks to the wonders of the internet I will be able to watch them before bed. I am going to eat a giant bowl of popcorn, drink a beer, and let my intense Benedict Cumberbatch lust out of its cage.
@Cat named Virtute Ooh lawdy, I had NOT heard of this Parade's End thing somehow!
@frigwiggin Girl, get on it! CUMBERBATCH FOR THE MASSES. Meet me back here afterward to discuss/swoon?
PAGING WEE_RAMEKIN THE THE CUMBERTHREAD.
@Cat named Virtute Oh man I hadn't realized that started NOW! TO THE INTERWEBS!
@Cat named Virtute Oh nuts! I wanted to watch that, but I missed it! Does anyone have an online source?
This week I:
1. Did my first aerial yoga class.
2. Invited a reggae band to crash on my floor on their way back from Burning Man.
I think my transition to hippie is nearly complete. Also, aerial yoga is the most fun and one of the hardest things I've ever done.
@flanhoodles Did you really just say aerial yoga? Tell me more, tell me more!
@minijen It was soooo much fun! There were these big silk loops and we got to hang from them and feel really graceful and do tricks. I can't wait to go back. This is the description from the studio where I went: http://thestudiolaketahoe.com/classes/
I would highly recommend checking it out.
@flanhoodles I just looked, and yay! We have a studio where I live!
@flanhoodles: Oh hey, the local lesbian circus teaches aerial yoga in my town!
@laurel That sounds like the best thing ever.
@laurel I can't even express how awesome that statement was:)
My best friend sent me Clueless and a T-Rex tea towel for my birthday.
My best friend is the BEST best friend.
No further comment.
@LolaLaBalc Their ears! They're so big and pointy!
@WhiskeySour: They are the fennec foxes of kittendom.
They add to the body's surface area and help dissipate heat!
So my boyfriend and I just moved to a new apartment and signed a two-year lease, so of course now I'm thinking about where to move in two years...
Anybody have a favorite fun/kinda artsy, low-cost-of-living city for twentysomething professionals? Bonus points for options that fly under the radar. Not required to be in the US.
@cuminafterall I don't know that much about the low cost of living, or if it's too small for you, but Missoula, Montana is amazing. Vibrant downtown, lots of community events, amazing local breweries, rivers to float, and lots of hiking/camping/fishing.
@Dragon Ooh, I really enjoyed Maile Meloy's Both Ways Is the Only Way I Want It, which has a few Missoula-set stories. Fiction may not be the best way to research places to live, but I will definitely investigate further.
@cuminafterall City? Or will "town" work, because I've heard so so many good things about Nelson, BC. Also, Montreal is really cheap and really fun.
@cuminafterall Montreal, seconded. Second-tier east coast cities like Philadelphia or Baltimore are fun, cheap, and in a pinch, you can always hop a train/bus to NYC or DC. I've heard good things about Pittsburgh but it's farther away from stuff. Also heard good things about Minneapolis. Internationally, I'd recommend Berlin (plus: super cheap rents! minus: learning German) or Manchester.
Hm, looking over that list, maybe I just have a thing for post-industrial burgs.
@cuminafterall I adore Baltimore. It's obviously a complicated place, but a lot of the neighborhoods around it (like Hampden, where I plan to move in about a year) are perfect for twentysomethings, young couples, etc. Great local music scene, cheap shows, all that kind of stuff. Definitely very artsy, pretty damn cheap, and absolutely lovely. Incredibly friendly people. My buddies are pretty much all walking distance from O's and Ravens games, and everyone has a roof deck. Which, to me anyway, is very appealing. Roof decks! The bar/restaurant scene is awesome. Great local breweries. Very chill, very fun. Hell, the Inner Harbor has a giant barge that was turned into a double-decker pool bar a few years ago that floats around the Harbor all day during the summer. How can you not love that?! Natty Boh, boats and blue crabs. Seriously, Baltimore.
@cuminafterall Portland Maine. The OG Portland
Come to Cleveland! Some recent report had it as one of the least stressful major cities in the US. I've been here for a year and am inclined to agree. The public transit is ok, there are lots of good bars and breweries, there is at least one excellent teahouse, the theater scene is one of the best in the country (I think?), and there's major-league sports of various kinds if you're into that.
Also, two very good library systems and lots of metal concerts! (my bias shows itself)
@cuminafterall Whoa! So weird to see anything about Montana being mentioned. Go Montana!
A Montana Pinner.
@cuminafterall As a Montana native and a major Meloy fan, please, feel free to visit/maybe live!
@cuminafterall Madison, WI has to be on this list, even if it's not as close to other major cultural centers as some would like.
@cuminafterall I've heard really good things about both Madison, WI and Asheville, NC. I've had multiple people tell me I would love Asheville because I am a young, liberal, artsy-type.
@cuminafterall Montreal IS great, but it can be hard to find jobs unless you're in a high-demand field or you speak very good French. Winnipeg is also great--totally under the radar and far from everything, but as cheap as Montreal, AMAZING music and theatre scene, great art galleries, lots of beautiful old homes and elm trees and a river that gets turned into a skating path in the winter and affordable good restaurants and people who are SO friendly.
@TheUnchosenOne It isn't really that inexpensive, though, unless you want to live in the student ghetto/share an apartment with someone. Or live further out from all the fun things.
@cuminafterall Boulder is super good. I mean I would never live there, but it's super good
@cuminafterall Savannah, GA!!!! I've never actually lived there but I was there for a week in the spring this year and it is super amazing. It's this gorgeous southern city with BEAUTIFUL old houses but it also has SCAD (the art school) right in the middle of it so there are tons of fun artsy funky things to do and lots of twenty somethings (the school has graduate programs so you'll probably find a bunch of people around your age doing MFAs and whatnot). The downtown area had a bunch of streets with cool shops and I found a bunch of good bars and restaurants while I was there. Plus it is just so so so so beautiful, I don't think I've been in a prettier city. Also the historic section has no open container law and if you are at a bar you can get a drink to go. Yes, that's right, you can get a to go cup filled with alcohol and stroll through beautiful streets under spanish moss drinking your way home. Also it's beautiful. If I didn't feel so much more comfortable in really big, busy, overcrowded megacity type places I would move there so fast.
I've been living in a hotel for almost two months waiting for permanent digs, and there's only one week left until I can move in. It's completely reasonable to want to count down the minutes by now, right? After two months in a hotel with two kids and no transportation? (9850 minutes. TICK. TOCK.)
@Teeth and Claws Congrats on permanent digs. I would have run for the hills after about 2 days in a hotel with one cat and a moped. So sticking out 2 months, with kids, and no transportation means that you're kind of a superwoman.
@Teeth and Claws Totally reasonable. Congratulations on the permanent digs! You must be a saint to survive 2 months in one room with 2 kids.
@LacunaKale We've made it through with lots of books. Books are basically the life raft on which our collective good humor and mutual affection have kept afloat.
@Teeth and Claws
Aww, you sound like a really good mom :)
@Inkling Thank you!
Hey there. Have any of the more crafty among you ever used the peel-and-stick film to make faux stained glass windows? My new place has a door to the balcony that gets a lot of sun and I think it would look nice, provided I find the right pattern.
@Hellcat I have no experience with that, but I've seen a stained glass window in a frame hung like a picture in front of another window. I think the effect is really neat. You might have to bolt the window onto the door to make it work though.
@Hellcat Tell me more about this stuff! I have never heard of it but have a couple windows that would be perfect...
@Hellcat Haven't done that, but I HAVE starched cloth up onto French doors before, which worked great and looked lovely!
@charlesbois I've seen that too, actually, but it's a bit ambitions for me...plus, I imagine it would make the balcony door kind of heavy maybe? I also want it top to bottom because I'm trying to avoid any new-couch fade from the sun (if that makes sense; I am so tired after packing and moving and cleaning all week).
@Sarah P This is the one of the patterns I'm looking at:
But I am also loving some of the pretty, pretty ones with a lot of color! You can see them on HomeDepot.com and Walmart's site, though I am having trouble navigating the infernal Michael's craft store site--it's weird. I think I also saw some stick-on etched-glass patterns too, which were pretty cool-looking.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Oh! I've seen this on blogs--but I can't tell if it lets in much light. Does it? And did you use a cornstarch mixture, or real glue?
@SarahP I was using it on a pair of interior French Doors, so I can't testify to the amount of direct sunlight it would thwart. I was using a pretty lightweight cotton fabric and it didn't block out the light from the other room, but definitely muted it, maybe? And I just used hot water and cornstarch and a plastic gift card--mix starch mixture, dip cloth in, yelp at how hot it is, splat it onto glass, smooth out with card. Repeat. Made a massive mess, definitely put down a lot of towels!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Oh I want the light, just not the transparency. (We have a big window in the middle of our bathroom. That looks directly into our neighbor's house.) This sounds like something I should look into!
@SarahP Ooh, well in that case it would work great! I had mine up for over a year and never had any issues, and if you don't like it it just pulls right off and wipes down with warm water. Go have fun picking out cloth!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I TOTALLY want to do this now! In my bathroom with a light cotton batik in shades of blue so that it looks like I'm underwater. But I don't have a window in my bathroom and my landlord would likely frown upon me doing anything fun to this shithole I live in anyway, so.
@Xanthophyllippa I want to say that you can do this on walls, but I'm sure it very much depends on the wall material. You could definitely get sheets of stiff plastic/plexiglass, stick it on them, and then hang them up, but that is a lot of work. I'm sorry your landlord is a butt!
On a food blog I frequent, someone posted about a competition among 20 couples for the best appetizer and cocktail pairing. The idea sounded like heaven to me. Now granted, sometimes my cocktail and app pairing is wine in a tumbler and gnawing on a block of cheese, but sometimes I like to get super fancy. I've thought of a Cava cocktail with brandied sugar cubes paired with spanish ham; a jackrose cocktail paired with smoked turkey, apple and cheddar puff pastry bites; a Rye cocktail paired with a "poutine" app consisting of cheese curds in a potato string cup with a dollop of gravy. I'm kind of going on a regional theme. I need inspiration for French and Italian pairings, as well as any Asian themed pairings. Anyone got any ideas?
@charlesbois I would eat/drink all of those! Right now!
I was briefly a little too excited at the poutine app, until I realized it was merely an appetizer and not a way to get poutine through your smartphone.
@charlesbois French 75 annnd ... ? The Stone Fence and an asian pear salad? Hmm. I'm better on the cocktails than the appetizers.
@charlesbois - It is not original, raw oysters w/ a mignonette and a nice muscadet (or a chablis would be okay) is basically heaven.
EDIT: The above would be my french. If I was competing, on the italian side, I would go ridiculously simple - get a nice cut of steak, cook it briefly on high heat, and serve it sliced thin on equally thin slices of a nice bread. Barolo and steak prepared with nothing more than salt is the finest there is.
@Canard I think the food teleportation app will be on the next iPhone ;)
@leon s I love the Italian idea! I agree, ridiculously simple yet ridiculously delicious!
@adorable-eggplant ye gods, I just looked up The Stone Fence, and realized I have bulleit Rye and cider and angostura bitters.
@charlesbois How perfect!
What am I supposed to do with a boyfriend that thinks Kate Beaton's Straw Feminists aren't that far off reality, but also makes me read Atwood and rants about restrictions on reproductive rights? Aaaaaaaaaugh.
@sarantium@twitter DTMFA with Fire. People who rant are the deeevil. Also, mansplainy feminists (i.e. men who have the 'i can do this feminist thing better than you puny woman' attitude).
@Reginal T. Squirge OK, encourages me to. I make him read things too! Mostly Mieville, because Mieville is the best.
@adorable-eggplant but I am really very fond of him!* also, I totally rant about restrictions of reproductive rights at him, so we're even on that point. mostly I am confused how one can hold that a) patriarchy and sexism are a thing, and b) lots of feminists overreact to said patriarchy? at the same time?
*by which I mean, really in love with and kind of ridiculously sappy about and why the fuck is he 1,500 miles away from me
@sarantium@twitter Does he believe all feminists are over the top and misandrists, or just that there is a contingent who wear necklaces made of cocks or whatever he thinks they do? The first seems workable, the second seems like the product of some distasteful views of how women are supposed to react to our oppression. Like, he's accepting we're oppressed, but annoyed we're not reacting like ladies and I don't know if you can fix that except with fire.
@sarantium@twitter OKAY ARE YOU ME. I was howling over the Straw Feminists, and he was like "That's not a stereotype, those are real people." And last night we had a huge argument about women modifying their appearances, in which I argued that women have been encouraged/pressured/forced to alter the way they look for basically ever, and he said that was not true at all. It made me sooooo sad and angry. HALP.
@MilesofMountains the second -- he seems to think that radfems make up a significant proportion of feminists? I mean, radfems are often awful, but they do not somehow discredit the entire feminist movement. he is also sort of fixated on how patriarchy hurts men too -- e.g. male rape victims being taken less seriously because women can't rape men, etc. And I'm sort going "... while true, the ways men are oppressed by patriarchy are much less severe and also common.)
(also, he's been questioning his gender identity for a couple years? and thus, how society treats women seems less appalling, because he would prefer to be female and be treated as such. at this point, he doesn't want to transition and uses male pronouns and refers to himself as male, but. [flaily hands] I'm queer but cis, so I don't know quite how to handle that.)
@okaycrochet YES THAT EXACT CONVERSATION. Thankfully, my boyfriend understands gender performance & how women are pressured to be thin/sexy/etc., and how much I HATE IT, but DDDDDDDDD:
My boyfriend finally said "I love you" this week! YAY! It took him a year and a half of dating (and six months since I told him I love him) for stupid reasons, but he finally got there.
@MilesofMountains Aw, congrats! Enjoy saying it to each other over and over until it sounds like nonsense :)
@MilesofMountains That is such a great feeling! Congratulations. Enjoy smiling giddily at random times for awhile!
I have a new iPad - an upgrade to one with a camera. Everyone tell me your favorite apps!
@Xanthophyllippa I love Audiobooks. It was $2 and has THOUSANDS of books, through Librivox, most of which are real classics. I have been on a Wharton kick lately.
@Xanthophyllippa Spelltower for games, and Unstuck for work/creative/life stuck situations. It doesn't fix problems, but it can be a nice mental jump-start to get me thinking in the right direction of how I can go about improving things. And Stanza for reading ebooks, definitely.
@Xanthophyllippa Um my favorite apps are games: Words With Friends, obviously, but also Ticket to Ride. I like InstaPaper for reading stuff I save off the net.
I just gave myself a stomachache from eating too much edamame. SarahP! Know your edamame limits!
@SarahP That was seriously my plan for later this evening (going out to dinner w/sis-in-law and bro-in-law for sushi)
@SarahP @Ophelia Ahhhhghghgh that sounds so good. I haven't had sushi in fouuuur millllion yearrrrrrs (okay, like a month, but that doesn't count because I only got one roll at the airport, that's not really going to have sushi).
Hairpin! I have decided I want to learn how to drink gin. (I'm more into sweet drinks, but am learning to transition to something less sweet/not sweet--it'll just take a bit, I think.) Give me your best gateway gin cocktail recipes, please!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher yes. I would also like to learn how to drink hard liquor. I just got into rye, rye and ginger and rye and coke. So I can make it as a man on the canadian prairies.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher G&T obviously. I've become fond of grapefruit or blood orange soda plus gin.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
Tom Collins are nommy. Or Pimm's, always Pimm's.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Martinis, my friend. Martinis.
I also enjoy French 75's but am lazy and never make them myself. Find a nice bar/bartender and go at a quite time, ask for sumthin special.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher i love, love, love gin. different gins have slightly different flavor profiles, so it might be worth it to go with some of your peeps to a bar or to someone's well-stocked house and have a couple of small G&Ts to compare and see what you like. (i like tanqueray or hendricks, personally). my favorite way to drink gin is a pink G&T--just a regular G&T, but with a couple splashes of bitters. also, once i made ice cubes from pureed cucumber, agave, lime and bitters and froze them in an oversized ice cube tray. it was amazing. also, tonic water is full of sugar, so it might be just the sweet gateway you need, if you don't mind the tartness of the quinine. HAVE FUN and report back!
@maybe partying will help I know Pimm's is gin-based, but I have a hard time comparing it to regular-type gin. One of them tastes like Christmas trees and the other one tastes like awesome.
I love that junipery gin taste. It is a moral failing, my mother tells me. WHY AM I OUT OF GIN
@meetapossum WHICH IS WHICH
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Pimm's is obviously the Awesome!
But, I don't know. I don't really like gin. My gin-loving friends like G&T and Negroni (equal parts gin, Campari, and sweet vermouth).
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
Dude, I hate gin, but the other week I made Negronis in honor of y'all and they were awesome.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher - you like sweet drinks; start with sweet gin drinks! Like gin & ginger, or gin fizz with lime or lemon. Then maybe play with the proportions so it's less sweet as you go on.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher French 75s are my absolute favorite cocktail. They are why there are always those silly pink cans of champers in my fridge http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_75_(cocktail)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher THE AVIATION!!!! You'll probably have to go to a bar for that one (unless you have creme de violet and Maraschino liqueur kicking around your house... like I do), but it's gin, the two ingredients I just mentioned, and lemon juice, and it will be your favorite drink, I promise. When you drink it, you realize that the syrupy sugary terribleness of many drinks is the shadow of the Aviation. Report back with your ginny explorations!!
@okaycrochet ooh that was the cocktail of the week on umamimart this week http://www.umamimart.com/2012/08/the-pdt-project-aviation/
is this a good place to talk about our favorite gins? I'm normally a hendrick's girl, but I just picked up a bottle of St. George Botanivore (from the Hangar One Vodka guys), and like WOAH. Super spicy and citrusy without being bitter. LOVE.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher There's a gin cocktail that's kind of sweet-sour like an amaretto sour called a White Lady that was my go-to drink for a while.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher My two favorite gin cocktails (other than the martini, but you have to ease into that) are the classic gin and tonic (but with good tonic water, it totally makes a difference) and a gin gimlet, which will give you the sweetness that you want. Love them. Want gin right now!
@bocadelperro OOoo I will try that. My friend took a cocktail class and then had a tasting that involved all these different types of gin and proto-gins (we tried jenever, for instance), but my favorite has always been hendrick's (or tanqueray rangpur, which I like straight up, if that gives you a hint about how much I love gin). So I'm happy to try something new! And I've heard nothing but good things about the Hangar One folks.
@adorable-eggplant They also make a dry rye gin (yes. rye gin). Every time I think of it, I think SPIRITS! WHAT IS THIS ALCHEMY? http://www.klwines.com/detail.asp?sku=1075916
@everyone Holy shit, guys, I knew you wouldn't let me down.
THE CURRENT PLAN is to go to the liquor store, get a bunch of wee airplane bottles of different gins, buy a pile of mixers, and have a very specific cocktail party. So many recipes to try! All my thanks, feel free to keep 'em coming. :) (You are all invited to said party.)
@bocadelperro OH MY GOD that's going on my christmas list!! Eeee! Caraway! Twice as much juniper!
@adorable-eggplant well, for what it's worth, that's about what a bottle of St. George's gin costs at my corner liquor store, and K&L is well-known in these parts for having an amazing selection, and great customer service. (I have no idea what their shipping costs and process is like, though)
@bocadelperro Yeah, that's really not too bad! But my other mistress of the liquor is whiskey, and wow I spend waaaaayy too much (a friend has been trying to convert me to bourbon for that very reason, but I just can't make the switch and be happy) which means I have to pace myself re new bottles, i.e. one per season. So Chrismas=Gin. Or rum (for eggnog purposes) & gin, since they are both twice as affordable as demon whiskey.
@LacunaKale I had some cans of San Pellegrino's arancia rossa soda kicking around, and I just mixed some with gin (and a slice of lime) and goodness, that's delicious! thanks for the tip.
@adorable-eggplant if you're trying not to buy fancy whisk(e)ys, do not click around on k&l's website. I affectionately refer to K&L as the $200 club, because it's hard to get out of there with less than $200 in purchases.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher The best gin cocktail I ever had was called a gin gin mule, which was gin with mint, lime and ginger beer (not ale). It was like a mojito but zestier.
You guys!!! A guy I like has asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him that I need more time (because I do, and because I'm nervous about how recently his last relationship, which spanned a half-decade, ended), but he's a really great person and I am excited about the possibility. My last relationship left me feeling pretty unwantable, so just this is bolstering my ego (and my sadly neglected lady parts).
@sub rosa figure out how to get some lady part action even if you need time to think about things? if that works for you, obvs.
@sub rosa What was the conversation like? I am fascinated by how people go from "whatever we are doing" to "official relationship"
@matilda It was distressingly straightforward. "Would you be my girlfriend?" I give him points for being completely understandable all the time. This is also something I'm not used to.
What color should I dye my hair? Pink? Bluey-purple? Orange? I kind of want to do multiple colors but I dunno if I would get crap at work for going more than one color at a time when it took so long for them to OK dying it unnatural colors at all.
I vote for Tonks pink!
@frigwiggin I feel like "one color to multiple colors" is less of a jump than "normal color to unnatural color." I vote multiple colors!
@frigwiggin Orbre (sp?) it blue
@frigwiggin Multiple shades/intensities of the same basic color? Different shades of say, pink, might be less visually startling than a riot of all different colors. (Maybe.)
@LacunaKale Haha, unfortunately, I don't have enough hair to do ombre (it is buzzed short in the back, maybe 2 inches at the longest on top), otherwise I would be all over that.
@billie_crusoe Mmmmmaybe. I'm just gunshy because there was a big to-do the very first time I dyed it and had to re-dye it back to brown after two weeks. Now the person who was all het up about it is gone, but...ergh, maybe I should just ASK. It just feels silly and nitpicky to go back after having gotten the OK for one color and be like, "yeah, but how about TWO colors????" Hrm.
@Teeth and Claws Ooh, maybe you've hit on something there. I've done sunset colors before, and my team lead (who doesn't actually have any say in our dress policy) really wants me to do that again...I need to check and see if I have any more Virgin Rose. Maybe I can do ombre after all, @LacunaKale!
@Teeth and Claws I vote for this. And then if that works, then next time go for a little more-different colors?
@frigwiggin Chartreuse! To wear with big red earrings!
@frigwiggin The sunset colors are amazing.
@maybe partying will help Pink can have an awesome fading period if you're not a frequent dyer! Slowly phasing into orange before it's gone.
@Jennifer Culp This would be totally tempting if I didn't already have a bag full of half-used dye bottles that need emptying out first! I will do the hair equivalent of Leftover Casserole, I guess.
(I should really list this 2/3 full bottle of bright yellow dye on the Sharepin or something...)
@LacunaKale Thanks! That was one of my favorite dye jobs ever.
@Teeth and Claws I used to have purple hair that faded to different shades of pink at the ends. I loved it soooo much.
I survived the first week of school and my first week teaching three classes with different syllabi while also staying on top of my contract work! Weekend plans include Bunheads, homemade pizza, The Dark Knight Rises, and some grueling work on the Knock Up Canard project.
I'm getting my new kitten tomorrow!!!!!! My parents have been loving on him to get him socialized, and he is apparently so sweet and only a little bit kitten-hyper. It's like Christmas Eve over here!!
Should I wait the 10 minutes until 5, or should I just go make myself an old-fashioned now?
@LacunaKale Now. Delayed gratification is a crock.
@LacunaKale Do it now. It's Friday.
@LacunaKale do it right meow
melis just informed me via Twitter that today is Duck Out For A Drink Day...basically go for it.
@Xanthophyllippa Mom? When did you learn how to work the internet?
@Xanthophyllippa "Delayed gratification is a crock" might be my new motto.
@maybe partying will help
I read that as Take a Duck Out for a Drink Day.
@all the bacon and eggs If I could embroider, I'd put it on a throw pillow for you.
Have my first ever therapy session on Monday. Thank you to all the pinners who helped me finalize my decision. Here's to hoping that the first time's the charm. Also, through the process I found out my company has better mental health benefits than I would have thought. Thanks again! Now if I can just get rid of that low level of anxiety I get everytime I think about going.
@sovereignann@twitter Hey! Good for you! And just remember, even if the first time isn't the charm, you're doing what you need to. As for anxiety, try writing what you want to talk about, so you don't forget it. Best of luck!
@sovereignann@twitter I've seen at least 10 therapists in my life, and I still felt anxious this morning before I saw a new one. Good luck!
@sovereignann@twitter An important thing to remember: If you don't gel with the therapist, you are under NO obligation to go back if you don't want to. Even if you leave the session with another appointment made, you are allowed to call and cancel. Don't stick with a mediocre (or bad!) therapist because you feel like you have to, like you'll hurt their feelings, anything like that. It took me a long time to learn that one.
Hopefully, the therapist will be great, though, and you won't have to worry about any of that :)
@Sarah H. I second this! They're totally used to being dumped. It's still hard for me to tell them I don't want to come back, but I have never had a therapist act hurt that I felt like it wasn't working (not that you should be worried about their feelings, but I am always worried about hurting other people's feelings). Which actually made me feel much better about advocating for myself outside of therapy, too.
@sovereignann@twitter Good for you! I remember us talking about anxiety stuff in a thread a while back, and I am also have an appointment for a therapist referral. Fingers crossed for both of us.
Turns out that I don't have any rocks glasses (I thought I still had one hiding in the back of the cabinet, but it turned out to be a yogurt jar). So I am having my drink out of a vintage pyrex teacup. Because, I'm a godamnnned lady.
@LacunaKale Pinky out, I presume?
@Girl Named Jack Of course. I wasn't raised in a barn.
@LacunaKale I like you.
@LacunaKale I don't drink nearly enough cocktails out of teacups. Must remedy that as soon as I get home.
@Jinxie There's a speakeasy themed bar around the corner from me that serves all of their cocktails in teacups, and beers in bottles with brown bags over them in accordance with the prohibition theme. It's a fun idea, but honestly it doesn't work out as well in practice as I wish it did. Wide brim and short cup = too easy to spill. But it's a fun place -- Back Room in NYC.
Just got the keys to my new place! Everything works, it's bigger than we remembered, hardwood floors have been redone, and as far as I can tell it's not haunted. Let's just hope moving goes smoothly this weekend...
My campaign organizer room mate just found out she doesn't have an unlimited phone plan. Because the bill came and reflects the (fucking literally) thousands of calls she has made in the last month. MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR MY ROOM MATE RIGHT NOW, OMG. but you know what it's okay i brought her a hitachi from work the other day, she's gonna be fine eventually.
I miss you hairpin! Seekers of knowledge/porny inbox treats welcome. Also welcome are emails of that or other types.
Oh also Mister has a COMPLETELY FUCKING AWESOME JOB lined up pending a drug test and physical! HE'S GOING TO GET RIPPED AND RICH. OMG OMG.
@Porn Peddler RIPPED AND RICH? So he's going to be a...private lumberjack for the Queen?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Actually, the real answer might be more insane.
He's going to be constructing cell phone towers. This means climbing very large structures with a sack/bucket of tools on his back (cell phone towers are fucking tall, you guys) all day every day, 50-60 hours a week. SO RIPPED. (he's very slim so that kind of physical work will bulk him up really fast) And as far as rich: HIGH PLACES. SKILLED TRADE. AND TRAVELING (he'll be out on jobs for five to ten days at a time, generally) They expect him to start at 50-60k per year. I don't think he's dying to do this for a long time but who knows! And once he's done it long enough he can look for another job!
@Porn Peddler WHOA. That is WILD, I hope he really enjoys it!
In an oddly-related sidenote today, I read an article while doing research for work about the water tower building boom after WWII, and a lot of the article was about the guys who built them. HIGH PLACES. SKILLED TRADE. TRAVELING.
oh guys, one more thing. Recently, Mama Peddler has decided to stop giving me shit about my job. I'm supporting myself, I am serious about the industry, I'm even writing again! So great! And then two nights ago she popped a bottle of champagne by herself and got on skype video and started telling me about what needs to be in my novel. Abridged conversation: “Gotta have a lot of description and imagery…not too much plot, can’t make it too wordy. Gotta be a lot of girl-on-girl…”
“That’s not gonna be in there, I don’t think.”
“Then who’s gonna read it?”
“There’s a lot of sex. A lot. And without enough plot, the characters won’t be believable— trust me, that’s getting popular in porn right now.”
“I know what people read, people don’t want that. WHAT YOU DON’T THINK I’VE READ PORN? I’M 57 YEARS OLD.”
“Ma I work in the industry….I read and watch it all day.”
“Alright alright I’m just sayin’….”
Tonight I'm going to do the Staten Island Shuffle and save some lives. Tomorrow I will go to NJ to hang out with my family.
I got my first kickball injury last week. Jammed fingers hurt, guys! But I can almost bend it all the way again.
Are any good bands/musicians touring right now (preferably at some point through San Francisco or otherwise around northern California)? I love going to live shows but all the folks I usually go see are doing other shit right now.
@frigwiggin So, they are not anywhere in California right now, but have you seen Rupa and the April Fishes? Rupa is a doctor at UCSF and she is amaaaaazing.
@billie_crusoe No, I haven't! I thought I knew who you were talking about at first, but it turns out I was thinking of Shilpa Ray and Her Happy Hookers. (Also good, btw.)
@frigwiggin Swansssss on 9/9 at the Regency Ballroom! Bring earplugs and prepare to be amazed!
I can't stop using exclamation points today!
@frigwiggin Alex Wong will be in SF on Sept. 8! http://acityonalake.com/wp/?p=1137
@frigwiggin I'm seeing the Tallest Man on Earth at the Fox (in Oakland) on September 6th! Also in September: The Promise Ring, Fiona Apple, Beirut, Sondre Lerche, Animal Collective, Wilco, and William Elliott Whitmore...alas I only have so much money. But free and creeping ever closer: Hardly Strictly Bluegrass, which is my absolute favorite. Patti Smith is playing again this year!
@frigwiggin CAT POWER'S COMING TO OAKLAND IN OCTOBER [OR WAS IT NOVEMBER?]. I AM ALL CAPS EXCITED ABOUT THAT THOUGH I KEEP FORGETTING TO BUY A TICKET, WOOPS.
Welcome back to TheUnchosenOne's Bi-Weekly Therapy Update!
Nothing new to report, really, just that I am three sessions in and I still like my therapist. I think at my next one I am going to ask about medications. I've been really nervous about asking about them but I think it is something I need to do.
@TheUnchosenOne Congrats on going, and on finding a therapist that you like! Hopefully this will help you on the road to feeling better. Have a good weekend :).
@TheUnchosenOne @wee_ramekin yes yes congrats!
@TheUnchosenOne Ask about it! It will be ok! nobody will try and shove pills down your throat!
My boyfriend and I are going to try long distance. Was gonna be a summer fling, decided we liked each other far too much. He went back to college today. We'll see. Communication is our thing, we'll figure it out. Any tips, Pinners?
And on a college apps note, I'm using the hairpin as an example of how I've learned from people on the internet, about things like asking for raises and doing your taxes. Thanks Hairpin for helping me get into college!
Edit: And in fit of irony of the universe, there's a "long distance relationships suck" post below this. Oh god. XD
@Shayna It's really hard. Really really hard. Talk on the phone a lot? Visit a lot?
But really, don't be discouraged if it doesn't work out, and don't be discouraged if you need to say "look dude, I like you, but this distance thing isn't working."
@Shayna One thing that I really love is picture messages. Not just of your face, though I'm sure he'd love that. Just of the flower you saw poking through the cement, someone's funny fashion sense. It made me feel way closer when I knew my boyfriend was thinking of little things he'd want to share with me.
@Shayna long distance relationships do suck! but I am of the opinion that my life is better with my boyfriend in it -- even with all the issues inherent in an LDR -- than it is without. Best of luck!
@Dragon I love this! I do this with my live in boyfriend, because we have opposite work schedules. It's like our own private tweet-verse.
@Shayna They can totally work! But open, honest communication is key. (But you seem to know that already). Also, the state of your relationship before the distance, in my experience, greatly influences how you'll deal. It also helps so much to have visits to look forward to. It doesn't matter if they're 1 week, 1 month or 1 semester away.
@Shayna I'm 3 months into a LDR that will continue until December. I think what helps is to think about how long you personally are ok with having a long distance relationship for. So for me, I know that I couldn't handle more than one year and I told him that upfront so that we were all clear. Also, I think facebook chat or skype or whatever kind of video messages are good because you can see each others face (also picture text messages of things that amuse you or stuff you think they'd like helps with including him into your day to day life). Another good thing is to make sure that your attempts to keep the LDR going don't interfere with your current social life. I moved to a new city about 5 months after my boyfriend and I started dating (I'd planned this move long before I met him so it wasn't a surprise) and so I'm in the process of making new friends. Because of this we stick to spontaneous phone calls and skype dates rather than planned ones to make sure that I don't miss out on chances to make new friends and so he doesn't miss out on time with his current friends. Also, one other thing is finding some activity that you can do apart together. For my boyfriend and I it's video games, we both have steam and so we have some multiplayer games we really like (currently Civ V and also Portal 2) that we can play together even though we're in different cities. Sometimes I'll even call him over skype and let that run in the background so we can chat while we play, which makes it feel like we're more together (and is also helpful if you are playing on a team rather than against each other in the game).
@Sea Ermine That is such a good idea (and can be switched with movies instead of videogames... I like the videogames idea, but he's not a gamer). Thank you so much for the advice!
@thatslikeyouropinionman We are open-communicationy people (he moreso than I, actually, which is kind of nice) which is why I'm even willing to try it. Yeah, yay visits! Thanks ^.^
This is your weekly "long distance relationships suck" post. Boyfriend and I had an argument about communication earlier this week, which has resulting in him staying in better contact, but he's also about to leave for Seattle for a month, and I have no idea how much I'll hear from him when he's home. Also, we've been having arguments about reddit/feminism/patriarchy/how patriarchy affects men, and I haaaaaaate having arguments when I can't actually see his reactions and I have hours upon hours to analyze every response. (See above comment about he realizes patriarchy sucks but also thinks that some feminists are sexist against men? I don't even.)
I am also trying not to be unreasonable re. boyfriend's parents, but he hasn't told his father we're dating? He does only see his father once every six months or so for a week or so, and talks to him every ~month for <20 minutes, and he claims his father isn't nosy about his personal life, but it still freaks me out. We've been dating six months! He says he loves me at least once a day! But what if this is a sign he isn't serious about me?
Admittedly, all of his friends know me and are used to us showing up to most events together; his mother knows who I am -- though I have not met her either -- he hasn't seen either parent since December. but meeting the family is supposed to be important, or something, and aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Oh, and in a week, I have to go home to my sort-of-abusive parents, and DDDDDDDD: you guys, DDDDDDDD:
@sarantium@twitter Is yr b/f a reader? I want to say he's a dumb stupid person re: feminism but it's quite possible he's just not well informed. Which we're all guilty of at some point! That point before we're informed.
I wouldn't sweat the dad thing. Does he usually tell his dad about relationship stuff? If I saw a woman, even for 6 months, I probably wouldn't tell my parents unless I was bringing them home and it was unavoidable.
@Danzig! boyfriend is a reader, but doesn't read history/social justice/feminism-related things. I have managed to convince him that the criminal justice system is super racist and thus, American society is super racist, by copious use of statistics, so am hoping I can do the same re. rape culture.
It is good to hear that other people don't tell their parents such things. Mine are really, really controlling, so I practically wouldn't be allowed to speak to him when I'm at their house unless I told them IN GREAT DETAIL about him, so my perspective is somewhat skewed.
@sarantium@twitter Don't go home with the abusive parents! :(
But SHE'S informing him. You can only use the ignorance excuse for so long.
Why do you have to go home to abusive parents? Go to a 'Pinup instead!
I had an interview for another librarian position this week! TIME TO DRIVE MYSELF INSANE WITH THE WAITING. Anyway, fingers crossed!!
@royaljunk good luck!!!!!!!!!
@royaljunk Good luck!! Let us know!
Thanks!! I think it went pretty well overall, and the person I interviewed with seems really nice and low-key. We'll see!
Happy Weekend everybody! So I just found out that I get to go with my boyfriend to Sweden because he will be there for all of September, which is awesome. The not-so-awesome part is that a) he is there doing experiments/playing with lasers all day everyday so I won't really get to see him except for five minutes before he falls into bed and b) the guidebook entries for Lund, Sweden are... sparse. Soooo has anybody ever spent time in Lund? Any recommendations for how I should keep myself occupied and in good coffee? Good day trips (I know Copenhagen is close and easy to get to)? Anyone want to have a mini pin-up somewhere in the south of Sweden?
I'm simultaneously drying a rack of cherry tomatoes and cooking some romas for the freezer. House aroma: tomato.
I'm moving to Toronto at the end of the month. Subletting a room for September, then looking to sign a year's lease while I'm in school.
Trying to get this lease organized has been insane. First, he was trying to send me a lease application to the wrong email address, and got quite cranky when I wasn't replying. So I got him my application and giant deposit (he wants one cheque for 3 people on the lease). Which happened on Sunday. THEN I emailed him yesterday to see why he hadn't deposited the cheque. He's not confident that the two roommates WHO ARE PREVIOUS TENANTS would be able to carry the lease should I default. Of course, one of the roommates is out of town and I can't reach her.
I sent him information on my OSAP loan and how my I have in an RRSP this morning (definitely enough between the 2 to cover the entire house by myself)...and I'm waiting. Biting all my nails off and feeling generally like I'm going to puke.
I've ALWAYS paid my previous rents on time. I would beg my parents/sell my possessions/many other embarrassing things before I would ever miss a rent payment.
Words of advice?
@gravie Toronto landlords are notoriously ridiculous. I signed a temporary contract yesterday and all the clauses in it (which are never going to be upheld in court, should it come to that, which it probably won't) were too much. Is a temporary contract even legal? so many questions. If you are a student at a major university, specifically the one named after the city, they have a housing office, and those people are amazing.
@robyn.andrews Gaah temporary contract? No idea if it's legal or not.
Yep, I'll be a student at U of T this fall. I just really like this place and want to live in it past September.
Preferably without crawling to my parents to get a guarantor letter from them.
@gravie yeah, probably means nothing. but, it means that what I unofficially agreed to do (sublet to a friend for two months, then live for the rest of the year) is on a piece of paper, so I feel good about that.
@robyn.andrews Really? I have never had much trouble. I do have to have a guarantor (which is usually what landlords do with students), but it's only ever really been a formality.
@gravie @Megano! I have only had a guarantor once, when I first moved. It's really only a formality- the problems with the landlords are when they try and make things the tenant's fault, and make the tenant fear them. Instead, I like to call the tenant hotline. And then use words like "law" and "board" casually in conversation with the landlord. And all is well. Magically.
I started grad school this week, and my classmates are not as cool as I hoped :( I did my master's at Berkeley, and all the public health kids there were awesome, brilliant, (often-queer), radical feminist chicks / dudes. Which these kids are not. I mean, I'm sure they're fine people, but half of them are going into health care administration, and I'm used to being able to spout my socialist outrage and find some solidarity.
@billie_crusoe What's your school? I feel like I probably asked you this some weeks ago, but I'm thinking of going into public health as well! It's a part of UC Denver's program and I haven't declared a concentration yet.
One thing about grad school that makes me kinda sad is that it feels weird involving myself heavily with on-campus activism and the like. Partly because it seems like an undergrad thing but mostly because I have less time to devote.
@billie_crusoe i thought that grad school was going to be waaay cooler than it is. 4 years (entering 5th) in, I assure you, it isn't. but, you will find people to spout socialism with!
@Danzig! U of Tennessee. It's... average. But I really like my advisor, and I think her work is super interesting (and heartbreaking - we're starting a project with refugees). What are you interested in in public health? I'm very much a researcher, but the MPH students here are more practice-oriented. I really care about health care as a human right and everything, but the problems are so big that I'm in an "everything is hopeless" phase right now. But it's still really interesting! and there are lots of passionate, wonderful people in public health.
@robyn.andrews What are you in school for? I actually really enjoyed my master's program because my classmates were fan-fucking-tastic (as were the faculty). I'm joining the union, and trying to keep my social life separate from school, so I will find other lovely people, I'm sure. I just... have really no interest in knowing the people in my classes. (Aside from the 1 other PhD student starting this year - she seems cooler.)
@billie_crusoe I am unfortunately one of those practice-oriented butts, coming at it from a public admin angle (the program would be administered jointly via the uni hospital and the School of Public Affairs). But I'm plenty leftist!
The other option for me is environmental public policy. I have yet to decide!
@Danzig Ha ha ha, that's not what I meant. These kids (I am starting to feel old, and I am under 30) are future hospital administrators, etc., who reek of politics and schmooze. Not all of them, but enough of them. I have the social skills of an academic, so maybe I'm just jealous :P I wish I had the skills for policy work. (Your program looks super cool! Especially the interpersonal violence concentration!)
@billie_crusoe Because I've already written my city above, I'd rather not say what I study... not that anyone would stalk me, but the academic fear, it exists. I thought it was going to be more activism. But! I have met many cool people through student activities (so from other departments)
Somebody, PLEASE help me remember that internet arguments are bad. Don't let me fight someone in the Billfold comments. Must...restrain...fingers...from...typing
LOL @ "What a bigoted rant of yours".
@tales Sooo not worth the energy, srsly
@tales Don't do it! But now I need to go read it...
Ahhh, thanks, y'all are like soothing water noises for rage. I may not have been the most civil in my first, but DAMN that dude was escalating things. (Also "coward" for not having my username = my real name is ALWAYS A CLASSIC)
@Reginal T. Squirge I AM A CHEF-BIGOT. THE SHAME.
@tales Well, that guarantees I'll never eat anywhere Jonas Whatever Luster cooks. But since I don't live in Dallas, I doubt this will affect him or me overmuch.
@tales The Billfold does have some really terrible commenters. I came home last night and was so mad at that dude, but I did not want to get into it.
My best friend is moving 1077 miles away tomorrow morning.
@Fitzsimmons Oh no, hugs to you. My best friend lives like, 4 hours away and I hate it. I can't even imagine 1077 miles. But! GChat! We talk on it basically all day, every day, whatever we're doing. It is the best.
@Fitzsimmons Aw, I'm sorry. My best friend lives nearly 2,100 miles away and I only get to see her a couple of times a year, but she's lived there for three or four years now and we're still best friends! Make sure you keep in touch with your friend about the silly little things, that definitely helps. (We also blog together, which is a great way of keeping connected.)
@Fitzsimmons Oh no! My best friend lived 5 states away for the last 2 1/2 years, but we're finally in the same city again purely through happenstance. If you keep in touch, not only can you be far-away friends, you might be near each other again and near besties!
Thanks, everyone. I'm sure we'll keep in touch and skype a lot and continue to text all day, it's just definitely sad and scary that she's leaving. But, on the other hand, she is moving to NYC, so I'm really excited to visit her because cool city things.
Oh, and on top of it, otherbestfriend recently moved from 1.5 hours away to almost 3 hours away, so that.
@Fitzsimmons Word, I had the sads over that very thing this week. :(
@Fitzsimmons Noooo :(
@all COME HERE let me hug you all. Do we need to revive the giant vat of hot chocolate so we can all climb in and be friendsies? Cuz we can do that.
@Fitzsimmons They are providing new couches to crash on! But, ughhhh...I know, I'm sorry :( It's the worst. (The beauty of text messages??)
@Xanthophyllippa Yes please.
I'm going to my first Portland Hairpin Book Club this weekend! (... Right? Someone reassure me that I have the right weekend!) I really enjoyed the book, and I'm stoked but also nervous, because new people are scary.
(I also joined a gaming meetup and next week they're playing Kobolds Ate My Baby!!!)
@Elsajeni That sounds amazing!
Yes, you are correct! Sunday, Liberty Glass, 6PM!
So, long distance boyfriend has been very difficult to get a hold of this week. The relationship has been doing a death spiral 'round the toilet and he's avoiding talking about some heavy shit that needs to be addressed. I've decided to break it off, it's for the best. And seeing as how I'm entering my second year in a new town and I'm eager to meet new folks...I made an Ok Cupid account! I'm so excited (and terrified!). Advice? Warnings? Anything would be welcome...
@thatslikeyouropinionman um, have the break up convo first. make your okc intentions explicit, and be clear about who you are. or else you will find people interested in the idea of you. also, there are creepers, so just block them! even though I'm kind of sick of the internet, personally, but it has brought me to many interesting and sometimes even good-looking men.
@robyn.andrews thanks for the advice!
@thatslikeyouropinionman anytime, friend. all the best of luck to you, whatever you decide.
dear pinners, you know what I want? a sunday open thread.
@robyn.andrews I just keep posting on it through Sunday. Some of us are still around on Sundays!
@robyn.andrews I'm still here on Sundays too!
@Dragon / Xanthophyllippa When do people generally clear out? Monday? Wednesday?
@Danzig! Usually Monday, because new articles! But I think I've seen some super long lasting conversations
@Dragon Yep - Monday for me.
@Xanthophyllippa @Dragon @Danzig! You are some of my favourites. (And also the ginger haired who is away atm, evidently). I will be here on Sunday, and probably also tomorrow...
After 15 months of working abroad, I'm planning my move home to Chicago! I haven't lived in the city proper for very long (like 6 months two years ago) so I'm really looking forward to Pin Ups. :D Not looking forward to begging for a job, but maybe something will work out...
Anyway, Chicago Pinners: Let's get beers in October!
@elenachicago Hooray for Chicago pinups! See you in October!
It doesn't rain but it pours! After a surprisingly painful break up and 2.5 month long dry spell I'm back on the proverbial (hunglikea) horse, and they're coming at me from all sides.
Have a sexy weekend everyone!
@RobotsNeedLove That's great (if not encouraging) news!
@RobotsNeedLove "they're coming at me from all sides." Heh. Nice.
@RobotsNeedLove Yay! I'm at 3.5 months, but vague spring-awakening sensations are a-rustling. I just need a dance partner.
Yay for horses!
@RobotsNeedLove There is only one explanation.
@Queen of Pickles Yay! I'm sure you'll find one when you're ready. People, as it turns out, actually want to have sex with each other.
I'm very happy I took the time I needed to be emotionally ready for fun sexy times this time around, and 2.5 months turns out to be just what I needed! It was not a very long or particularly meaningful relationship, but a troubling breakup. And now I get to have sex.
@Porn Peddler Is it bourbon? I think it might be.
Ed. Haha I missed the link. And yes, that is the explanation. Bourbon helps though!
@RobotsNeedLove You go, girl!! If you get overwhelmed feel free to send some my way. I'm in a dry spell and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
@RobotsNeedLove I misread that as "IKEA horse."
And I was all... do you have to put them together?
@PistolPackinMama Yes. With an oddly sized Allen wrench.
@PistolPackinMama Omg no they come fully assembled. Meep.
So, anticipated question for three weeks from now: how you actually date other people when you are having some of the best sex of your life with someone who is not reaallllly boyfriend material (at least in part because he is not into being boyfriend material) and is part of your close social circle? Help ehrmergerd this sex is so awesome. Help.
@RobotsNeedLove For me it would depend on whether or not I was dating dudes in the same social circle as the dude I was sexing. Because if they don't know each other... I'd bonk the FWB until I wanted to be exclusively bonking another person.
If they are friends in the same social circle, I think the other dude would have to be pretty awesome for me to want to change a group dynamic by dating them anyway. So I'd probably be good and ready to dismount from the one dude before getting out the allan wrench for the other.
She said, mixing her metaphors.
@RobotsNeedLove And just after I posted that, I went to a BBQ on Saturday, and met a most excellent British dance partner. He's only in town for another few days, but man, what a whirlwind!
@Queen of Pickles GREAT NEWS! The ol' late August awakening.
Hello Pinners! I have a terrible headache, and have spent most of the day laying on my couch, and have discovered the most amazing repository of images. Apparently the museum of Photography in Dresden donated 200,000 of its images to Wikipedia. This has everything from photographs of the cleanup of Dresden, to frontspieces of 18th-century geometry textbooks to tourist photos of cold war Poland. Amazing stuff. Check it out, if you're into old things http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Images_from_the_Deutsche_Fotothek
So, the best parts of my day: were
1. When I wrote a snarky takedown to the dude on Okcupid who complimented me for my "properly balanced feminine energy"
2. When my two work friends and I took a 90-minute lunch and told stories about our lives and pasts until I got a frog in my throat from laughing so much
3. When one of those work friends and I, in the throes of Friday Syndrome, started making up a story via Gchat about these unicorns that are made of light and stained glass and when the stained glass breaks everyone thinks they're dead but they're not really, they're still made of light, and when they're made of light they're invisible and go around poking people with their horns and knocking things off shelves
And now, for what I anticipate to be my favoritest part:
4. Going home, taking a nap, chilling the fuck out, not giving a damn if it's Friday, and finishing rewatching Back to the Future. Man, that nap is calling to me. I always seem to need to take naps when it's Shark Week. And then after I wake up, maybe I'll paint my nails and apply for some more jobs. I shit you not, this is exactly what I am desiring right now. More than parties, Broadway shows, any of that jazz. It is my craving. It is the equivalent of a pregnant lady's pickles.
Or pickles to me, actually, because, y'know. They're awesome.
@Queen of Pickles OH ALSO I'm taking a date to the Battle of Brooklyn historical reenactment at the Green-Wood Cemetery in Brooklyn this Sunday! Crazy or just plain nuts? We'll see!
@Queen of Pickles I wish I still lived in Brooklyn because I would MINE you for date ideas. I never have any ideas. This is a GREAT idea.
WHAT is with okcupid dudes and like appraising you for being more "womanly" in their estimation than other girls on the site?? I get this ALL the time, like I'm supposed to be attracted to the fact that you judge other girls for not being... women... what???
@Queen of Pickles I'm your density...I mean, your destiny.
@Queen of Pickles Um... cut and paste said takedown?
(I just made my first batch of refrigerator pickles. They are the jam. Or the pickle.)
@Queen of Pickles Yay for snarky takedowns of Ok-Cupid douches!
This is so not related, but can I ask you for some pickle recommendations? I've been trying to find a good spicy dill (kosher dill/garlic dill, zero bread and butter leanings) but the best ones (Princess) stopped being carried by Big Lots two years ago and I'm terrified of opening up my final two jars.
@papayalily I love Claussen pickles! I don't know spicy you'd find them, though. They're mostly garlicky. (I have a jar of Claussen brine in my fridge to swig from when I get post-exercise muscle cramps.)
@Xanthophyllippa OMG I LOVE CLAUSSEN!!!! I am never without it. It is SO yummy. And now comes in generic! at least at my local King Soopers. But I don't think they have anything spicy?
@papayalily Oh man! Unfortunately, I'm a kosher dill gal. No spicy pickles here. I grew up with Vlasic, though, and I know they make a spicy type!
@Queen of Pickles the vlasic spicy ones are delicious! i keep them around because my salt cravings are really salt/spice/vinegar cravings.
@papayalily There is a brand here called State Fair that are good in general, and I like their spicy dills.
Pickles are delicious. Mmmm.
@Queen of Pickles
CUT AND PASTE! CUT AND PASTE!
@PistolPackinMama Bubbies. I don't even call them pickles anymore. I call them Bubbies, as a tribute to that wonderful, wonderful pickle company.
@Queen of Pickles I'm pretty sure the reason I got involved with my first boyfriend was how delicious his pickled okra was. God, I love pickled okra.
@tales And pickled garlic. It will change your life: it's that good.
@matilda Haha well, nobody every tells me I'm more womanly than anyone, which is now making me kind of worried. I think the takeaway is: OKC WTF?
@RobotsNeedLove i think the takeaway is always OKC WTF. (although i still haven't quit my account...)
I have a question.
How bad is it to ask a pregnant lady to go to the bar? One of my friends is about 2.5 months pregnant, and hasn't been having a lot of fun lately. Her pregnancy was a mistake, and while her boyfriend is staying with her, things haven't been fun for her lately. I was thinking she might like to go dancing. (She loves dancing) The only thing is that the only place to go dancing is the bar. I know there's no harm in asking, but I don't want to be rude or offensive
@Dragon If I was her, I'd love to be asked... as long as everyone I was going with didn't get too drunk. It's not fun to be sober around drunk people.
@Queen of Pickles I can't speak for the rest, but I'm going to have to drive back to the house I'm sitting after, and it is almost twenty miles out of town, so I'm not going to be drinking a drop.
But thank you. I've never been pregnant, and my only other friend was underage and had a controlling boyfriend while pregnant, so that was never an option for her. It's good to have outside perspective.
@Queen of Pickles
Well, she doesn't feel up for it, and cute wildlifer just bailed on me. So I think I might just suggest a spa night. That's the good thing about my old awful roommate situation. I'm pretty good at helping out pregnant ladies!
@Queen of Pickles I dunno about that, last time it happened to me I was pretty entertained by the attempts at headstands and the leg-petting. (Less so when the vomiting started.)
@frigwiggin I LOVE drunk texts or calls. Drunk people... it depends on if they are awesome drunks or scary drunks.
@Dragon Drunk girls are usually fun to hang around and make me feel all warm and motherly, but drunk boys are almost always annoying to me.
@frigwiggin Ha! Yeah, being around drunk people while sober is sort of like rolling around in the mud. Fun! And then... very... uncomfortable.
Ugh, you guyyyyyys, why do people have to be dicks?
@Xanthophyllippa I asked this of my coworker/friend like eighty times yesterday. It blows my fucking mind that people just HAVE TO DO IT.
@Porn Peddler I have no idea. It's astonishingly prevalent though. I find myself being a massive dick at times, but I think it's some people's default setting.
@Porn Peddler @Dragon Oh, I'm definitely a dick from time to time, but at least it's intentional - I don't try to frame it as if I'm being exceptionally nice.
@Xanthophyllippa That is by far the best type of dickish-ness. I've definitely done both types, but I'm usually pretty good at realizing when I'm being an unintentional jerk and apologizing. I think.
@Dragon Yeah, it's the people who don't get that they're being a dick that grate on me. Like, really? You thought inviting me somewhere and then telling me I'd have to find my own ride home because you have after-plans that don't involve me was a REAL invitation?
ETA: Sorry, I'm bitter.
@Xanthophyllippa Ugh, Xanthie, are your friends being douchecanoes again? Because jeez, I wish I could give them a piece of my mind/invite you to help me drink all this wine. What utter tools.
@Xanthophyllippa you can come sit next to me. i have wine, too. ugh, sorry your friends are sucking.
@Cat named Virtute @social theory Yeah. I don't know what's worse: being told, "you're only invited to part of this fun thing!" or the implication that I'm so pathetic I'd actually find that to be a good deal. WTF?
I am trying very hard to tell myself that this is a case of someone trying to resolve two things she really wants to do (hang out with me and do this other thing) and just failing miserably at the delivery. It's not working.
Inspired by @Queen of Pickles: Date ideas in Boston so I can have something in mind when this boy I like asks me what I have in mind next time? Because all I have in mind is "smash my face into your face"
@matilda Tell him: "Let's go for a walk in a park; first nice-looking bench we see we stop and sit and make out for a while."
@Jinxie Haha oh no I'm definitely going to be smashing my face into his face, not worried about that part. But it's nice outside and we're both relatively new here but I'm less-new so I want to impress him with cool places! Before or after body-part smashing.
@matilda I'm your girl! What neighborhood are you/he in? Where can you both get to? What do you like to do?
For free, nice weather, plenty of good face-mashing spots I'd immediately recommend the Arnold Arboretum. It's gorgeous and T accessible.
@matilda the highlight of my trip to Boston was when my friends and I scammed in on a Harvard tour intended for high school seniors and got a free lunch. Do you guys look like babies?
@muggles I DO look like a baby! That is SUCH a fun idea, oh wow plus a FREE LUNCH that sounds like a really great date because I hate when dates try to pay for things.
@Daisy Razor I'm in Brookline and can get anywhere on the T. I'd love some creative way to use the Hubway bicylces but I have to figure out how they work because you have to check them in every half hour? Arnold Arboretum sounds like a good choice.
@matilda I just moved to Boston/Brookline all of two seconds ago (Monday, actually) and I am really digging this thread. Thanks guys!
@MademoiselleML wheeeee welcome to the Awesome Green Line Defenders Club if you are near me!
@matilda Green Line Defenders indeed! I live in Coolidge Corner. :)
@MademoiselleML You should go to Berryline. If you're covering a lot of ground, you can go to all three Berrylines! And then you can go to the MFA and spend an hour trying to find the Edward Weston exhibit, which is in a little room in a section accessible by only 1 of the many staircases and elevators in the MFA. After all of that exhausting searching and mental work, you can go back to Berryline to nourish yourself.
(I haven't been to Berryline in over a yeaaaaar despite visiting Boston at least 4 times. I am in withdrawl.)
@matilda Hey Green Line ladies, you saw the info above about the Boston Pin-Up on 9/5, right?
And there's tons of date-y stuff in Brookline! The Coolidge Corner theater and the Booksmith (what? bookstores are totally romantic.) are my favorites.
I don't think Harvard actually offers free lunches as a standard thing on their tours. Muggles must've crashed a tour of important people.
Hey, also, are any of you getting the "He weighs 170, benches 420" ad I am, with the shirtless guy who looks like a serial rapist? It's freaking me out a little.
I moved this week! I like the new place a lot, although it's dusty and I have to walk further between my bedroom and the bathroom. #firstworldproblems It was sad to leave my parents' home, as I've discussed before, but so far I'm enjoying living close to work and where the action is. And pretty soon I'm going to head over to my boyfriend's place and watch Jeopardy! Try-outs in two weeks... I wish it had come at a less-crazy time for me.
Also, I went to a pin-up last Friday and had a lovely time. Yay! The next day I went to a wonderful wedding, and I got to spend time with some of my very favorite people, including my sister and my lifelong best friend and his wonderful boyfriend. And the bride (my friend) looked so happy and radiant. Even my parents were kicking back and having fun. It's been a great 8 days.
And soon I'll get my own computer and I'll be back to spending copious amounts of time on The Hairpin.
@whateverlolawants copious amounts of time on the Pin is always the answer.
@theotherginger You ARE the other ginger, as I am also a ginger!
@whateverlolawants awesome. I needed to change my name (it wasn't my real name, but still) and the pin already has one awesome ginger that owns it, and evidently, another awesome ginger with a different but not as identifiable name!