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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

218

Filed Nails, When to Move, and the Coded Mixtape

So, Queer Chick, I come to you as a supplicant. I'm a trans guy who's looking to start dating following a cross-country move to begin grad school. This is all good, except for a few complicating factors. A) I'm pretty much 100% out by choice. Googling my name outs me as trans within the first page. I’d like to think anyone I’m involved with would be down with that, but I recognize this could scare off possible partners. B) Ever since I came out five-ish years ago, I've basically been 100% inactive on the dating front for various reasons. That puts me in my mid-twenties with almost no adult dating/sex experience, especially as a dude who is primarily interested in ladies but not opposed to dudes. C) I'm legendarily oblivious. I have to be told in very small words if someone is interested in me (in part as a result of a lifetime of very low self-esteem).

So, basically, I’m kind of terrible at this stuff and have no idea where to start. Any advice?

Yes, I do have advice! It's around here somewhere. Um ... this piece of paper says “file your nails before fisting.” Not really a direct answer to any of your questions, but always good to keep in mind.

On to the advice that's specific to you: how do you start dating, as an adult who is trans and bad at picking up hints? Fortunately, you have access to one of the universe's best Get A Date Fast cheat codes: you're in grad school. Your mileage may vary depending on your specific field of study, but if I may make a sweeping generalization here, grad students are just slutty as hell. They're working hard, putting in long hours for little pay or no pay or the ever-popular negative pay, usually on projects so specialized they've given up trying to explain them to anyone outside their department; they're stressed, looking for a way to blow off steam, and there you are all cute and available and totally in agreement about the use of shifting perspective in experimental post-colonial literature, and next thing you know your boxer briefs are hanging from the ceiling fan.

At the very least, you're definitely going to get hit on, as long as you have the most basic grasp on social interactions and hygiene. But how do you tell when you're getting hit on? I can't give you a foolproof road map to figuring out whether that cute lady (or dude) is feeling it; one person's “take me now” is another's “just being friendly,” so in general I advise that you assume nothing until her tongue is in your mouth. 

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what someone's signals mean. Instead, what you should do is clearly and unambiguously make a move on anyone you find attractive. I don't mean give them meaningful smiles and “accidentally” brush your elbow against theirs; I mean walk up to them and say “I'd like to take you out to dinner on Friday. Are you free?” They will either say yes, which means they're interested, or no, which means they're not. This approach is terrifying, but it really does take all the guesswork out of flirting.

As far as how you disclose your gender history to new folks and potential makeout buddies: Being out to everyone, which it sounds like you're pretty comfortable with, certainly saves you the trouble of having The Talk with anyone you want to date. If they already know, and they're not into it, they'll just say “no” when you ask them out. This will be no more painful than any other rejection, by which I mean it will ruin your life for weeks. But anyone who's really feeling you won't be deterred by the knowledge that you're trans – it will just be one more thing they dig about you, like your eyelashes or your habit of making really dorky puns. Have an awesome time, and if at all possible, avoid sleeping with your professors.

I’m severely emotionally entangled with one of my closest friends and it’s gotten to the point where I need outside help to sort it out. I’m a junior in college and came out to myself a year and a half ago when, over Christmas break, I kept forcing myself to send trite “miss you lotsss xoxoxo” texts to my unfortunate bf while obsessively thinking about the soprano section leader in my choir (the aforementioned close friend) and finally figured out that that wasn’t normal. That close friend was also the only queer girl I had ever met in my life and the only person I could talk to about how absolutely fucking terrified I was about potentially being gay. She was the first person I came out to, and the only person to know for four months. 

Fast forward to choir tour that April when it’s 3 a.m. and I’m perched on the edge of a hotel bathtub in DC writing a short, awkward, apologetic note telling her that that crush I had been hurting over? Was her. I slipped it into her choir folder, because that’s what choir people in love do. And she took me aside after rehearsal and hugged me and told me that she wasn’t into me that way but that it was all right and that I would find someone better and that we were still best friends, right?

And then, for the choir mix tape swap, she got me by luck of the draw, and made me a mix tape that was ¾ awesome music because she knows me really well and ¼, well, it was really hard not to read some reciprocated feelings into it. Highlights include “What You Never Know (won’t hurt you)” by Hayley Westenra. She was graduating that May to go 10 hours away to grad school, I’m two years younger.

She and I pretended the CD never happened. We stayed friends. We chat for hours late at night on AIM where she calls me pet names and sometimes says she loves me (and a few of her other friends, completely platonically, you know) and I try to figure out a way to hate her / to stop loving her. But can’t. Even when she got a boyfriend and asked me for advice (she’s bi). 

What do I do? Do I confess that I’m not over her? Do I stop talking to her — and by that take away the only person I can talk music and queer things to? Do I keep my mouth shut and just let it build up / hope it dies away eventually? Have I mentioned she has a boyfriend? I’m so screwed.

I'm sorry to tell you this, darlin', but the reason you're screwed is that you're continuing to hold out false hope for this relationship. Let's go to the scoreboard, shall we?

She loves you:

- She made you a mix CD with a potentially suggestive song on it one time (2 points)

- She calls you pet names, the way a girlfriend would, or a waitress, or an Internet advice columnist who calls everybody “darlin'” (2 points)

- She has been known to be attracted to girls, and you're a girl (0 points, come on)

She loves you not:

- She has a boyfriend (10 points)

- You told her you were in love with her and she said she didn't want to date you (infinity points)

Sadly, the math is pretty clear on this one. You gave her a green light and she didn't go for it, which is the universal signal for “not into you.” Once that's happened, you no longer need to waste your valuable time deciphering her song selections and late-night phone calls. You're driving yourself crazy because you haven't let go of the hope that she is nurturing a secret boner for you, but the second you get it through your head that she's not – that there is no possible future where the two of you end up together – well, you won't suddenly be over her, but you'll definitely be moving in that direction.

What's more, when you give up on her, you'll finally be open to the possibility of falling for another girl. And as we all know, the best way to get over someone is to have your heart stomped into a brand new shape by someone else.

I'm in my early 20s and living on my own in a pretty backwater part of a Midwest state. I hate it. I loathe it. When I visit other places that are not this place, I cry before I have to go back. I am so miserable and up until about eight months ago, I was at least dating a girl (long distance, because apparently I am an idiot) who I was very much in love with. Now I'm single and bitter about it, and trying to look for love in all the wrong places.

The thing is with this town: it's really backward. I've gone to the gay bar and found no one I'm interested in. I briefly dated a girl but she ended up being pro-life. OkCupid has been a fruitless endeavor. Are my dealbreakers inhibiting me from ever getting laid ever again?

I don't want to be with anyone more than a year younger than me, but not significantly older than me either, I don't want to date anyone with kids or anyone who is dating a man who allows her to "mess around" with women. I don't want to date racists. This has surprisingly (or unsurprisingly?) hampered me from dating at all. My question is: are my standards too high? I'm trying to value myself and make other people recognize that I am totally a catch, but am I just being a snob? 

Okay, you started with “I'm miserable where I live” and then took a hard left into “am I too picky about women?” We'll come back to the women thing in a moment (short answer: possibly!), but let's talk about your hometown first.

Girl, move already. You know how I can tell you need to move? You didn't even try to convince me you don't need to move. You didn't talk about your awesome job, or how you love living so close to your sister, or how the Ethiopian place down the street delivers for free. If you're not offering a list of reasons you have to stay where you are, my guess is that there aren't any, or at least none that you think are worth considering. That means the only thing keeping you there is inertia, and you need to shake that shit off. Yes, moving is horrifically stressful and expensive, and yes, right now is a crappy time to be looking for a job, but do it anyway. If nothing else, do it because it will help you get laid. You're never going to find a healthy relationship if you're constantly bitter and depressed because you hate where you live.

Now, after you move, or while you're saving up for a deposit on a new place, you're still going to want to find a lady friend. At that point, you may want to reconsider whether your list of requirements is too stringent. There's nothing wrong with refusing to date people whose political beliefs are offensive to you, or people who aren't monogamous if you are, and obviously you should not ever date racists. And there's nothing wrong, ever, with refusing to date someone who just doesn't do it for you. You should absolutely hold out for the person who excites you and charms you and turns you on and makes you grin like an idiot every time you think about her.

But be willing to look around a little until you find her. Who knows? She might be a year and three months younger than you. She might be hanging out at the gay bar, but you didn't meet her because you went on trivia night but she always goes to the open mic. She might be that girl you dismissed out of hand because she had a stupid haircut. Give people chances, and eventually one of them will turn out to be worth it.

I have the perfect boyfriend. He's handsome, smart, ambitious, funny, and wants a future with me. A lot of girls are jealous that I have the man that I do. And many girls are after him. I care about him — and do love him deeply. But here's where the problem lies. In the bedroom. Every time we have sex, in order for me to orgasm, I think about women. I masturbate to the thought of women. When he goes down on me, I think about women. Deep down inside me I can't help but wonder if I'm gay. I've had relationships with women before but they never seemed to work. I feel stuck and confused. He knows I'm bi-sexual and he's been very clear that he doesn't want to share. We have now lived together for the past two months — and I find myself sad often, crying, wondering if I made the right decision. Please help!

Oh, sweetheart. Let's start with the most important thing: if you are sad and crying all the time since moving in with your boyfriend, you should not be living with your boyfriend. Whether or not you're gay (and, uh, it sure sounds like you're gay), you're clearly very unhappy in your relationship, and you need to do some reevaluating. Yes, adjusting to living together can be stressful, and is often a period of increased tension, but this isn't “oh my god if you leave your shoes in the middle of the floor one more time I'm setting them on fire,” this is “I don't feel right in this relationship, and it's making me miserable.”

Just because he's handsome, smart, ambitious, and funny does not mean he's the right partner for you. Plenty of people have those qualities, and if you tried to bone all of them you would end up in jail or in the hospital. And just because other women are waiting in line to snatch him up definitely does not mean he's the right partner for you. “If I put down this toy, someone else will grab it, so I have to keep playing with it forever” is toddler logic – you're better than that.

You say you love him, and I don't want to tell you your feelings aren't real, but it's not unheard of for people in failing long-term relationships to use “I love him” as shorthand for “I'm afraid of losing the stability he provides me, I don't want to be alone, and I'd feel bad about hurting him.” But none of that is a good reason to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. Finally (this is the part that really, really sucks) even if you love him, that doesn't necessarily mean he's right for you. Love isn't always enough. Sometimes people who love each other have to break it off, for a variety of reasons including but not limited to someone realizing that she's gay.

I think you need to listen to your heart/vagina, because it sounds to me like what it's telling you is “Get me out of here.” If it's time for you to leave, start packing. And then, after an appropriate period of mourning has passed, ask out some girl and see where it goes. Yes, none of your relationships with women have worked out before, but that's pretty much going to be true of every relationship right up until you meet The Last Person You'll Ever See Naked. I can't tell you when that will happen, but I think you already know that your boyfriend isn't it.

Whatever you do, please just remember that no matter how great your relationship looks on paper, that means jack if it's not making you happy. We're not grading on a curve here – “better than anyone I've dated in the past” does not round up to “good enough.” It's not good enough unless it's fucking awesome. And you're going to find that eventually. Probably – I'm just saying – with a girl.

Previously: Second Favorites, Gold Stars, and Sex Not Had.

Lindsay Miller is also on Twitter. Do you have a question for her

Photo by Anna Sedneva, via Shutterstock



218 Comments / Post A Comment

stonefruit

A QUEER CHICK IS BACK, HOORAY WE HAVE MISSED YOU!

okay now I'll go read the column.

Judith Slutler

@stonefruit yes wooooo

questingbeast

I'm trying to work out how one could possibly make a mix CD that contained no love songs. Maybe if it was just No Children, Strange Fruit and My Boomerang Won't Come Back, six times each.

The Lady of Shalott

@questingbeast Maybe just novelty songs over and over again. "Yes We Have No Bananas" or "The Banana Boat Song" or, I don't even know, "It's The End Of the World As We Know It."

stonefruit

@questingbeast you could also include A Change Is Gonna Come.

Although truth be told, you should just always include A Change Is Gonna Come regardless of whether you're trying to avoid lovey-dovey songs.

melis

The entire catalog of They Might Be Giants.

questingbeast

@The Lady of Shalott I thought of The Funky Gibbon, but then thought maybe 'do the funky gibbon' could be taken as some sort of euphemism.

Beatrix Kiddo

@The Lady of Shalott Werewolf bar mitzvah.

paddlepickle

@questingbeast Oof, that letter was painful to read. "Oh. . .dear. . .oh god you are really interpreting this wrong. . .do I have to break it to you? Oh thank god, Queer chick is doing it"

Reginal T. Squirge

@melis

Everything M.O.P. ever wrote.

frigwiggin

@melis Excluding Another First Kiss. Also James K. Polk, c'mon, that's completely and entirely a love song.

Ophelia

@frigwiggin I like to go with "Beer for My Horses" - super-romantic.

meetapossum

@melis Except "New York City"

sam.i.am

@questingbeast Sufjan Stevens' "Flint (For the Unemployed and Underpaid)"

saul "the bear" berenson

@questingbeast "I hope you die, I hope we both die" over and over, ouch.

nina

@questingbeast and Ana Ng.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@The Lady of Shalott Along the same lines, "The Lady in the Tutti-Frutti Hat."

geek_tragedy

@questingbeast

Or the entire catalogue of the Talking Heads. That's what I listen to when I don't want to brood about my horrible ex(es).

Leooo

@questingbeast except This Must Be The Place! Such an adorable song. I would put it on a mixtape for someone I was secretly crushing on.

wee_ramekin

@geek_tragedy Well, perhaps the entire catalog minus "This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)".

That is a love song to end all love songs (aaaaaand might have been my ring tone on my ex's phone? So maybe I'm biased.).

sceps yarx

@questingbeast Almost every single Kraftwerk song.

stephanieboland

@questingbeast No Children isn't a love song? Damn, I'm doing this wrong...

paddlepickle

@stephanieboland John Darnielle's actually been quoted as saying that No Children is "the most honest love song I've ever written".

Danzig!

@questingbeast One of my friends records promotional videos and the like for a super high-end daycare place in Manhattan and it's a nightmare for her because the packages she sends to parents have to be scored appropriately for children but cannot contain any music that is about love (vocals are a must so no instrumental work-arounds)

Drink All the Coffee

@Leooo I am totally guilty of putting This Must Be The Place on a secretly-crushing mixtape for a friend. That song is the cutest and this delightful performance feels like home to me. Nerdy shoulder-dancing! Zany lamp hijinks! All those beige outfits!

Valley Girl

Hooray for the return of QC!

As somebody who has spent her late 20's with no dating experience while lamenting my inability to meet people, QC has nailed exactly why I'm hesitant to do an online grad school program next year. I need to meet these slutty students IRL, dammit.

gobblegirl

@Valley Girl I am weeks away from beginning an online grad school, and am suddenly regretting the lack of access to slutty grad students! I wonder if there are slutty grad students at the university in my hometown who will let me hang out with them (without pants)?

Ophelia

@gobblegirl Fact: Every town with a grad program has slutty, pantsless grad students.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Valley Girl You do! I was a late bloomer like LW #1 so the vast majority of the sex I've had in my life was a direct or indirect result of being in my grad program.

Valley Girl

@all You guys are really really convincing me that it will be worth it to go offline. This is heavy on my mind right now so I appreciate any and all insight!

gobblegirl

@Valley Girl I am taking the online because the program itself is a better fit than any of the others I looked at (and has a really great reputation).
The online will allow me to keep my regular job, which is nice. I will miss the comraderie or community or whatever, but being able to buy groceries is nice too.

theotherginger

@gobblegirl WHY AM I NOT GETTING MORE ACTION IN GRAD SCHOOL.

dtowngirl

LW4: I've been in your shoes. You will never be able to convince yourself that a relationship is right if it's not. He may be perfect on paper, and he may even be perfect in real life, but that doesn't mean he's right for you. You deserve to be happy and to have a relationship that doesn't make you cry for months on end. And he deserves to have a relationship where the person he's with actually wants to have sex with him. You can both be happy, just not together, it sounds like.

misskaz

"It's not unheard of for people in failing long-term relationships to use “I love him” as shorthand for “I'm afraid of losing the stability he provides me, I don't want to be alone, and I'd feel bad about hurting him.”"

This sentence is hitting home and making me cry today. Ugh.

redheaded&crazy

@misskaz Yeah that sentiment nails it. I'm sorry it's hitting home for you though :(

misskaz

@redheaded&crazie Thanks. In my case it could actually be amended to "I'm afraid it would be a mistake, I'd feel REALLY FUCKING BAD about hurting him, and oh yeah we own a house."

Roxanne Rholes

@misskaz Oh, dear! I'm so sorry this is happening! The fear of making a mistake can be terrible.

fondue with cheddar

@misskaz My friend split from her husband a couple months after they bought a house. They lost a lot of money on the short sale and it was a big hassle, but she's so much happier now. The money isn't as important as your happiness.

A lot of what the LW said hit home for me, too. I was in a failing marriage and separated several years ago. I was afraid to be alone. It wasn't until he knocked up his girlfriend that we finally separated. While I was initially devastated and terrified, I was soon kicking myself for not having the balls to end it sooner. It didn't take me long to realize that I was much better off. You will be, too.

Look at it this way...if you're unhappy he's probably unhappy. And if you're both unhappy then you're hurting each other merely by staying together. Inaction only makes a bad situation worse (believe me, I know). The sooner you leave him, the more time you both have to pursue happiness. It's not easy. It's absolutely fucking terrifying. But you can do it! LOVE AND BIG HUGS!

misskaz

@jen325 Thank you so, so much for this. <3

fondue with cheddar

@misskaz You're welcome! :)

I always have a hard time ending relationships. My last one was unhappy (for both of us) but I was unsure about ending it. What helped me happened accidentally. We lived together, so I started shopping around for apartments to see if there was anything out there I could afford just in case we broke up. As I looked, I naturally imagined what my life might be like living in the various places, and I found myself longing for that life. That's how I knew breaking up was the right thing to do. Even though I miss him, I've never regretted it.

EpWs

"I have the perfect boyfriend." AOOOOGAH, REDFLAG.

Queen of Pickles

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher

Yes, exactly! That's what I thought when I read it.

bitzy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Drudge Sirens!

But at least this one didn't go into the "My boyfriend is perfect and I love him, but sometimes he makes me feel like garbage, when he rips puppies heads off when I don't blow him. How can I get over this feeling?" territory.

EpWs

@bitzy Yes! He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just the wrong guy.

Xanthophyllippa

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Or A guy.

(Also, double props to you for perfect placement of a sound effect.)

melis

"Queer chick, I come to you as a supplicant" <--- something I require all potential lovers say to me before I let them into my bedroom, and you can't laugh while you say it or you have to go home, Jennifer.

The Lady of Shalott

@melis Do you require them to follow it up by saying "I come in search of wisdom" without giggling that they've just said "I come" twice?

Apocalypstick

@melis Do they have to bring gifts of opals and myrrh or will takeout do?

melis

I will also accept a line-for-line recitation of the invocation scene from The Craft.

Reginal T. Squirge

@Apocalypstick

I think Natasha Vargas-Cooper already made it clear that pad thai is sufficient.

stonefruit

@Reginal T. Squirge well-played, sir. well-played.

sceps yarx

@melis mmmmm, Fairuza Balk......

themmases

Re. dating rules: unless you find yourself repeatedly making the same destructive choice, you don't need them. Your actual feeling of being turned off-- not your assumption that you will be-- is the only rule you need.

RNL
RNL

@themmases Maybe this is a side-effect of online dating? I date online, and because I look at so many profiles, I start to make rules, and then somehow they start to become real in my head. But you're right. They're not real!

themmases

@RobotsNeedLove I think so. Also, if I were this LW, trying to summarize why all my dates didn't work out, it would probably come out sounding like "rules" even if it wasn't, really. And I have my share of requirements I've been called a snob for because one guy had bad music taste, or was religious, or whatever.

I did get the "rules" vibe from her super specific age requirements though, so I hope I wasn't being too hard on her and talking about rules she didn't really have.

laurel

Choir sounds amazing.

Hot Doom

@laurel Right? This (perversely) really makes me miss being in the glee club at a women's college.

Bittersweet

@laurel Choir is amazing...if you're into dramatic personalities and daily emotional backlashes. (And singing.)

@LolaLaBalc Women's college solidarity!

I miss biology classes. Man oh man did I get flirty in genetics lab.

TheUnchosenOne

No one is ever sending coded messages via music selection, ever, even when they totally are, and if they are they will make damn sure the message was received.

redheaded&crazy

@TheUnchosenOne yeah "she and I pretended the CD never happened" ie. you pretended that you didn't read coded messages into her mixtape, she sent you an innocuous present so there was nothing to pretend never happened on her part ... aw man.

i've nursed a heck of a lot of unrequited crushes in my time (i guess we all have) so best thing to do is take the rejection at face value and force yourself to meet other people. really! it works!

Judith Slutler

@TheUnchosenOne If I were LW, I'd put it down to her friend's subconscious, and feel flattered about it a little but not take it seriously.

questingbeast

@redheaded&crazie AND it wasn't even really a present, she was randomly allocated the letter writer in a choir-wide activity! Poor LW.

redheaded&crazy

@Emmanuelle Cunt If I were LW I would legit obsess over it and only listen to it and sleep with it underneath my pillow, one hand pressed protectively against it.

i do not recommend this course of action

Judith Slutler

@redheaded&crazie Yeah my response to unrequited love has always been like "Well fine, you SAY you don't want me, so you're not gonna get me! Ha ha ha, bet you're sorry now!" There is zero logic involved but it makes me feel better.

raised amongst catalogs

@TheUnchosenOne No joke, I suddenly remembered that in my early 20s I made a tape for a guy I was BONKERS INSANE over and I actually put ABBA's "Take A Chance On Me" on said tape. More than ten years later, I blushed to think of it. I meant EVERY WORD OF THAT SONG at the time.
We can go dancin', we can go walkin', as long as we're together. Listen to some music, maybe just talkin', get to know you better.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@TheUnchosenOne
"'Yellow Submarine,' what does it meeeeeeeeean??"

redheaded&crazy

@vanillawaif hahahah oh i'm laughing i'm crying i'm cry-laughing

no no, it's subtle though. let me be the first to reassure you.

HeyThatsMyBike

@TheUnchosenOne And insult to injury on this one - she was assigned to make a mixtape for the LW.

redheaded&crazy

@HeyThatsMyBike that just shows we're meant to be!

(this comment is kind of mean, but really this is how my boy crazy love starved brain would see things .. i'm really just mocking myself here)

HeyThatsMyBike

@questingbeast Ooops - sorry - I'm a slow reader so your comment wasn't there when I wrote mine! But yes - that was also my immediate thought. Like, "Oh thank God I was randomly assigned LW so I can express my true feelings for her via SOOOOONG!"

HeyThatsMyBike

@redheaded&crazie Right - fate assigned her to the LW. Duhhhh!

raised amongst catalogs

@redheaded&crazie I was the most earnestly-in-love being! I try, in hindsight, to at least give myself credit for "going for it!" and carpe-ing the shit out of every diem, but mostly I just think, "GOOD LORD!" and cringe.
Oh, and if you're wondering how it all worked out with that guy? We got down and dirty a few times, parted ways, reconnected as friends who grabbed beers together, got down and dirty some more and then he married his high school sweetheart. Why buy the cow when the cow PUTS ABBA SONGS ON A MIX TAPE?

meetapossum

@TheUnchosenOne Are you trying to tell me that The Ataris "Song For A Mix Tape" is a lie?

EternalFootwoman

@vanillawaif You are not alone. I didn't put it on a mix tape, but I definitely went through a time in my mid-twenties when I thought that song contained so much wisdom. I wish I were making this up.

iceberg

@TheUnchosenOne AHAHAHA you just reminded me of the mix CD my horrible ex made me, complete with a handwritten list of the tracks and why he'd chosen them (although he should have just written "I chose this song because I thought it would effectively emotionally maniplate you into getting back together with me" for every track). Juicebox was not leaving anything open to interpretation.

TheDragon

@iceberg I got one of those! My favorite ever was "5. Honky Tonk Badonka Donk - ... Well. You know."

yrouttasight

@TheUnchosenOne I once made a mixtape for this rebound guy I was dating some years back- the first track was called "A Good Man is Easy to Kill". Heh.

whateverlolawants

@HeyThatsMyBike That's how I operated in high school. Well, junior high, at least.

raised amongst catalogs

@EternalFootwoman Thank you, kind person!

Inkling

@iceberg
Please transcribe.

Megasus

@TheUnchosenOne I do not give ppl I am want to bone mix tapes without grabbing their crotch during the exchange, just to make things nice and clear.

apples and oranges

@TheUnchosenOne BEULAH?!

Xanthophyllippa

@The Kendragon When I am randomly assigned to be your PinPal I will make you one of these that contains nothing but songs about food taken from musical theatre so that you have to figure out what, exactly, "...well. You know" refers to.

yrouttasight

@kangerine You got it! I was big in to indie pop in those days. I had several Elephant 6 tracks woven in to that mix, too.

Melusina

I do think that what we fantasize about during sex can be totally separate from what we actually want. Even more so if the LW isn't constantly lusting after women, apart from during actual sex. It sounds like LW4's problem is more complicated than that, but worrying about whether this thing means she's gay is probably not helping.

Porn Peddler

@Melusina Yes, yes, yes, exactly this.

Uumellmahaye

@Melusina Precisely what I was thinking. I have, with every partner I've had, often enjoyed mental imagery during sexy times that does not involve the partner in question, their gender, or... sometimes does not involve people at all. I sense that the fact that LW 4 connects her sexy imagery of women to being gay is more of an indicator than the fantasy itself. I distressed for ages about 'being more gay than bi' and it only stopped when I finally gave jnto the fantasys and urges, enjoyed my sometimes freaky self, and had FUN. But as for the relationship, yessss, QC spoke the truth with, "sad and crying all of the time = should not be living with dude"....

meetapossum

@Melusina I agree. I think LW4 is leaving out a lot that would be more helpful to explore than "I have sexual fantasies about women."

mustelid

@Uumellmahaye Agree with QC that sad and crying all the time is not good, but I don't know... two months isn't very long. If this is the first time she's lived with a partner, it might just be a rough transition. Especially if she is just a super emotional person.

I had a really rough couple of months right after I moved in with Mr. Mustelid, I think compounded by the fact that I had spent the last year living sans any roommates, let alone a sexy roommate. I went from "do anything I want to do EVER" to "I love being with him but noooooo now I can't let my ferret sleep in bed with me and oh god when will I be able to be really gross and order nothing but mozzarella sticks for dinner???"

After some talks about how to make sure we both get alone time, making sure we do stuff outside of the house without each other, and the blessed fact that he travels a few times a year for work... a year and a half later we're still together and I'm happy.

Uumellmahaye

@mustelid Oh I feel you on that one and hmm fair point. I sense that this letter leaves a lot to question of the reality of LW's life (and wait, what IS the problem? The boy, the fantasies, the living sitch, external depression?) - and now I've interpreted it differently on this re-read. As for alone time while living with the sig other - good for you to manage it so well! This has been #1 issue for me and the reason that the book "Codependent no More is sitting on my nightstand to enforce healthy boundaries :)

Porn Peddler

Am I the only one who believes that LW 4 really could have a great relationship but is confused and upset by her sexual attraction to women vs her romantic attraction to men?

sarah girl

@Porn Peddler I wondered this myself. Additionally, could she be feeling so distraught because she's having all these conflicting feelings but (I'm assuming) not sharing them with said wonderful boyfriend?

Judith Slutler

@Porn Peddler idk but it kind of sounds like a thing she doesn't think she could explore within her relationship.

dtowngirl

@Porn Peddler Well, I think one of the important clues is that she says the only way she orgasms is to think about women. Not that she occasionally thinks about women, in addition to thinking about her boyfriend, or two guys together, or unicorns, or her neighbor's hot teenage son or whatever. She only orgasms to thoughts about women. That's not to say she doesn't truly love her boyfriend and she has no romantic feelings toward him. But, she says he doesn't want to share her with women, and it sounds like the majority of her sexuality is tied to fantasies about being with women. I think that made the difference in my mind.

MmeLibrarian

@Porn Peddler :: raises hand ::

nonvolleyball

@Porn Peddler I could see that in theory, but with a different letter, maybe. she has great things to say about her boyfriend as A Boyfriend, but nothing about their actual relationship--their inside jokes, shared interests, history together, whatever. to me, that's the story, & "yikes I think I might be gay" is almost irrelevant (although certainly yet another reason to pull the plug on the boyfriend).

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@nonvolleyball I thought exactly the same thing. Lots of straight ladies fantasize about other women but never act on it, so the gay thoughts worry me less than the fact that she cries all the time and, like you said, doesn't tell us anything about why he's the best boyfriend FOR HER and not just a great boyfriend in general.

meetapossum

@Porn Peddler *also raises hand*

frigwiggin

ANYONE WANT TO DO A CD SWAP???

I have an obsession and I have had nobody to make CDs for in so long. I promise I will send you coded "I'm in love with you" messages!

mabellegueule

@frigwiggin OMG this is an AWESOME idea! This could be like pinpals! Except I haven't actually written to my pinpal yet...

Cat named Virtute

@mabellegueule YESSSSSS PIN PAL MUSIC SWAP YES YES YES.

Agarina

@frigwiggin THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA. I cannot wait to agonize over the perfect, life-changing combination of songs to include.

frigwiggin

Okay guys, anybody who wants to swap CDs, email me at figwiggin [at] gmail [dot] com and (I'm just going to copy Lady of Shalott here) let me know your name, mailing address, and whether you're willing to ship internationally. If there are a lot of people, I'll pair y'all up, maybe? Or I'll just make like 24 mix CDs and send them to everybody.

Orrrrr if you don't want to bother going through me, just send a mix CD to your Pinpal, that's also good. (Write your Pinpals!!)

nowwhat

@frigwiggin I will subscribe to this also! How I miss making mixes for people...

frigwiggin

Also good to include: music you like/hate, theme words.

TattyEmu

@frigwiggin NOOOOOOOOO I just traded up my old laptop for a macbook air, which I haven't regretted at all until just now! No disc drive! noooooooooooo...

Also, I have a hard time with the romantic mixed tape, because when I went off to college my dad would send me a new one every month. My friends would say 'Man! who made this (insert out of date slang of your choice)mix for you?' and I would reply 'My dad' and everyone would just STARE.

anachronistique

@frigwiggin Emailing you RIGHT NOW.

frigwiggin

Yesssss we already have five participants, keep it coming, people!

alannaofdoom

@frigwiggin - I just emailed you so fast that the email went faster than the speed of light so it's probably time-stamped yesterday.

Plant Fire

@frigwiggin wait is your email figwiggin or frigwiggin. I'm just unsure because you wrote figwiggin but your username has the r so I got confused.

frigwiggin

@Sea Ermine Fair question! The email is without the R--my username originally matched my email, but then I changed it slightly in the vain hope that it would keep anyone at my job from finding me on the internet.

PistolPackinMama

@frigwiggin Oh, yes please.

Plant Fire

@frigwiggin thanks!

Xanthophyllippa

@PistolPackinMama: Send me one and I'll send you one!

@friggy: Emailing you RIGHT NOW.

redheaded&crazy

does anybody wanna trade friendship bracelets for mix cds? you really don't want to listen to any mix cd i would make, but i'll be your friend! :D D: :D D:

Xanthophyllippa

@redheaded&crazie I do!!

redheaded&crazy

@Xanthophyllippa okay! I'm going to email you my address! Or I'll email @frigwig my address. Or both of you. I'll make friendship bracelets for everybody! (theoretically cuz i already failed out of pinpals AND sharepin) I'm really determined to get better at sending mail and things.

florabora

@frigwiggin oh my god. this is exciting to me, but I'm in address limbo, I might email you out of the blue in two weeks. Or I could just send you my aunt's address.

frigwiggin

@florabora You could do either of those! Or, like someone already did, you could send me the new address with instructions not to mail the CD until X date.

PistolPackinMama

@Xanthophyllippa Okay!

calamity

@frigwiggin probably super late but just FYI I'm sending you my address too!! Hopefully everybody isn't all matched up yet. Mixes are my FAVORITE EVER.

frigwiggin

@calamity Please do! It's not something that I plan on officially ending, per se--I'll mention it again on FOTs, and as long as people keep emailing me, I'll either match them up or swap with them myself!

Plant Fire

@redheaded&crazie I'd love to trade! Frigwiggin already paired me up with a mix cd partner (working on it as I type!) but I love making mixes and I'd be happy to do two CDs, one for you and one for her. Email me at seaermine at gmail dot com with your address and your music likes and dislikes and I'll send one out. Or you could email frigwiggin but I'm not sure how that would work since I've already been matched with someone through her and I want to do both.

squeee

put "Combination Taco Bell and Pizza Hut", the most romantic song ever made, on that CD you're trying to woo her with

mabellegueule

@squeee "It's like she's trying to tell me she finds me complex".

Reginal T. Squirge

"I wonder what she means by, 'I got that taco smell/ That pescado smell'"

katiemcgillicuddy

"...please just remember that no matter how great your relationship looks on paper, that means jack if it's not making you happy. We're not grading on a curve here – 'better than anyone I've dated in the past' does not round up to 'good enough.' It's not good enough unless it's fucking awesome."

A Queer Chick, you are fucking awesome.

Brief sidebar: In regards to LW3's letter, can we all stop using the phrase "pro-life" and get fully on board with "anti-choice"? Please? (Also, LW3, good luck and get the fuck out of that place.)

redheaded&crazy

@katiemcgillicuddy agreed. I am all the way on board with anti-choice.

paddlepickle

@katiemcgillicuddy I like pro-life because I am anti-life.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@katiemcgillicuddy "It's not good enough unless it's fucking awesome." THANK YOU A QUEER CHICK! Finally someone else put down on paper the reason I'm in my early thirties and still single in the face of everyone around me settling down. I keep telling people that I'm just holding out for a relationship that I like better than being single, and then they look at me like I have worms crawling out of my ears.

redheaded&crazy

@paddlepickle all feminists are.

TheDragon

@quickdrawkiddo Yes. Cause being in a relationship is always SO much better than being alone, you pathetic, lonely little human, you.

I'm in an excellent mood today, why do you ask?

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@The Kendragon *hugs* sorry you're having relationship drama :( And I definitely wasn't implying that my friends in relationships are weaklings who ran into the arms of the first person who'd have because they're afraid of being alone (well, not ALL of them are). Just that people seem to need an explanation for my or anyone else's continued singleness that goes beyond "I haven't met the right person yet, OK?"

TheDragon

@quickdrawkiddo I think being back in the same state will help my issues a lot. It's hard to keep a baby relationship healthy and uncomplicated when one of you leaves for a month almost immediately. At least I hope being back there will clear up my head on what I want.
Thank you for the hugs, and the non-judgement of your taken friends!

katiemcgillicuddy

@quickdrawkiddo Seriously, this. I'm 27, there is nothing wrong with me being single, and if I were 97 there would be NOTHING WRONG WITH ME BEING SINGLE.

effystonem

@quickdrawkiddo Yeah it's super fun when friends who have been in relationships since college (5 years ago) act like you're a loser and say you will be a SPINSTER or cat lady. Well I am allergic to cats, mutherfuckas, and I also am not in an unhappy relationship just because I'm scared of being alone, so suck it.

RNL
RNL

@effystonem Or go "I just want you to be happy". Who said I wasn't happy? And who go on couples only trips! And say "well, when you get a boyfriend who isn't a weirdo you can come too". Wow, I had not written that out. That is... the lamest.

effystonem

@RobotsNeedLove Ha I perpetually hang out with couples...lately three at a time, and I'm the only single one. Unless they are doing something couple-y touch-y (like rubbing each other's legs, what?) I actually don't feel weird at all because they're all my friends, but I KNOW it makes them feel weird. Not sure why...I honestly think that when you're in a relationship for a long time and it starts to feel a little boring/dull, you get these weird feelings toward your single friends that's like a mix of "We need to get her a man so she can BE LIKE US and we can all be COUPLES TOGETHER" and "I'm a little jealous that she doesn't have to have repeated discussions about "the future" every night" and it makes them act weirdly towards you.

The funny thing is, my best friend (who's in one of those couples) always wants to do stuff with other couples because she wants it to not be weird when they do PDA or whatever, but even when I WAS dating someone and we went out as two couples I still felt awkward when they would PDA because I don't do that shit.

Sorry for the rant! I feel like everyone's been judging me lately.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@RobotsNeedLove Oh god, my friends decided a few years ago that we should all go to a cabin in the mountains for Halloween weekend. I politely declined because I knew it would be all couples and I preferred to be in the city going to parties and potentially meeting boys. One of the dudes literally asked me "do you have some kind of Halloween sex fetish??" I had to be like, "NO GODDAMN YOU! I have an 'I'm single and I would like to occasionally get laid if it's not too much to ask' fetish!" I couldn't believe I actually had to spell it out for him.

katiemcgillicuddy

@RobotsNeedLove Yeah, "couples only" is just...and for an actual trip? My eyes roll so hard at these people who can only hang out with other couples because they are a couple. Like...what? They assume the single people around them will feel uncomfortable because those poor things, they are single? Like, oo, awkward you're single so obviously that's pathetic. And yeah, "I just want you to be happy", get that shit the fuck out of here. God.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@effystonem yes that is EXACTLY the vibe I get! It's a weird mix of concern and jealousy, sometimes with a dash of territorial stay-away-from-my-man-ness. I get that it comes from a good place most of the time, but I'm always surprised that people have that much time on their hands.

katiemcgillicuddy

@quickdrawkiddo What a fucking juicebox. Jesus.

Ophelia

I once got a mix CD where the opening song was "Laid." I mean, yikes, dude.

misskaz

@Ophelia Hah, "Laid" is one of my go-to karaoke jams. It's a good one.

Ophelia

@misskaz Oh, it's an excellent song. Just a little...fraught to start a mix with, given my history with said dude.

TheDragon

Ugh. I have complicated relationshipy thoughts that I will probably overshare with all you lovely pinners on FOT.
(In related news, Kendragon gives previews now)

raised amongst catalogs

@The Kendragon "Complicated relationshipy thoughts" is my middle name! I am listening today through Thursday, if you can't keep it to yourself until Friday.

TheDragon

@vanillawaif I just feel like I don't like my boyfriend as much as I should?
It's like, he's great. He's amazing to me, and a genuinely awesome person. My ex was kind of a shit head. But I just don't get as super excited about seeing the bf as I did about the ex. I don't know if it's that ex and I were so volatile that I think healthy relationships are boring, or if it's that we were so up and down that it's impossible to get that up without all those downs. Or if I just miss having multiple guys lined up?
(I'm also REALLy bad at keeping things to myself)

raised amongst catalogs

@The Kendragon How long have you been together? And have you been feeling this way since the beginning or only recently?

I pretty much had an inability to date nice guys, opting instead to spend a lot of time on a series of emotionally unavailable guys who typically cheated and unabashedly put me last. I would not and could not bring myself to dump guys like that, but I could turn down kind, attentive and drama-free dudes left and right -- mostly because I couldn't imagine wanting to get physically involved with them. Somehow I saw niceness as a...neutering quality, I guess, in guys?
I won't presume to know you or your boyfriend, obviously, so I won't give sage advice or anything. Just wanted to let you know that I am totally willing to listen if it helps in ANY way.

Inkling

@The Kendragon
In regards to volatile relationships, I was doing some thinking:

It reminds me of having an indoors/outdoors cat versus having an indoors cat. With the former, the cat might roam far, fight, risk his life in various ways, so it really excites you when he comes back because part of your head is like MY KITTY IS ALIVE AND SO SMART AND BRAVE. But with an inside cat, you're not worried about him, so your affections are not underscored with stress and anxiety.

Also why some (sickos) stopped watching The Office after Jim and Pam got married, because they didn't like how life after marriage didn't involve wildly trying to interpret your crush's actions.

Or maybe he is boring, who knows. Boring ol' inside cat?

TheDragon

@vanillawaif That is the thing, we've only been together for a month, and he persued me pretty aggressively for a few months before that. (Ok. Not aggressively. Just made it clear that he wanted to date me, and while he still wanted to be buds even if I didn't want to date him, he wanted to date me.)
But I mean, I'm usually pretty happy around him, he makes me feel safe, sexytimes with him are fun.
I've also been gone for most of the month we've been official. Like three (big western) states away gone.
eeeaaauuuggghhhhh. I think I'm gonna see how things are when we are back in the same state.
(Also, one of my friends who I've crushed on FOREVER visited my family and hung out with me a few nights ago, and I think that may have me in greener-grasses mode.)

TheDragon

@Inkling That makes so much sense to me. I mean, there has to be a reason why so many people keep heading back to volatile relationships, right?
Also, I've never really had a non-volatile one before.

raised amongst catalogs

@The Kendragon Oh, for SURE the distance thing would make things really hard to feel certain about. And it sounds like you didn't have to go through the OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO LOSE THIS GREAT GUY because he indicated that he'd be around as your friend whether you dated him or not. So sorry you have all of this on your mind early on. For what it's worth I also FULLY get the greener-grasses thing; it is all too easy for my mind to fall into that trap. I wish you the best and hope to hear how things are going.

raised amongst catalogs

@The Kendragon In a volatile relationship, you end up needing to prove to yourself (and the other person) over & over again your worth. At least that's what I think I was getting out of my bad/volatile relationships - trying (yet failing) to prove myself deserving of love.

entangled

@The Kendragon if you've never been in a non-volatile relationship, then I think it's certainly possible that one that's more stable seems boring in comparison.

I think there's a really hard line (but a REALLY hard to find line) between a relationship not working because you're just not right for each other and a relationship feeling dull because it's stable and healthy.

I think it's that we crave rewards more when those rewards are given out inconsistently. So love from someone who doesn't always give it feels so much more exciting and passionate than love from someone who always treats you with love and respect. That doesn't mean people should settle for relationships that aren't awesome - I think it just means that if you haven't been in a non-volatile relationship before, you should look at trying to redefine what awesome and worthwhile feel like. That doesn't mean this relationship qualifies but it doesn't mean it doesn't, either.

raised amongst catalogs

@arrr starr I love how you were able to explain this so concisely and without any of the emotional baggage I brought to the table when I tried and failed. AHHHH thank you.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@arrr starr ALL OF THIS, YOU ARE MY HERO.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@The Kendragon Arr Starr said it all, the only thing I would add is that most of your living-in-the-same-town history with this dude was as friends, not lovers (if I have the timeline right). So I BET that it's easy to revert back to thinking of him as just a friend, in the absence of real-life sexytimes. I would give yourself permission to not make any big decisions until he's back, and to *maybe* have a few scandalous thoughts about other people until then. I'm a relationship n00b though, so take all that with a grain of salt.

RNL
RNL

@The Kendragon Sounds like you need to be in the same place for a while. I'm sure that will help, either way.

But remember: "it's not good enough unless it's fucking awesome".

Genghis Khat

@arrr starr Yep, I always go back to the intermittent reinforcement lab rat experiments when I think about me with my ex-boyfriend.

timesnewroman

@arrr starr "I think it's that we crave rewards more when those rewards are given out inconsistently" Yes this is definitely true. This is how gambling and internet addiction (hellooo Facebook notifications??!) work.

@The Kendragon Your life is my life.

skyslang

"And there's nothing wrong, ever, with refusing to date someone who just doesn't do it for you. You should absolutely hold out for the person who excites you and charms you and turns you on and makes you grin like an idiot every time you think about her."
I really like this and want to live by these words. But. I sort of feel like...holding out for someone that excites me, etc. is not realistic. It seems so rare to feel that way about someone and have it returned! Which is why I start dating nice guys I'm not that into, hoping my feelings will grow...then when they don't, and I have to break it off, and I feel like an asshole.

Judith Slutler

@skyslang That doesn't sound like you're an asshole. It is rare to feel that way about somebody! And when you realize that it just isn't happening, there is nothing wrong with breaking it off. You might be going through some shitty luck in the dating world (and who hasn't) but you are doing everything right.

skyslang

@Emmanuelle Cunt Thanks! I needed to hear that. Major guilt complex week.

Waiting

@skyslang I really really feel your pain. I love my boyfriend but no matter what it's always been... lukewarm. It's very very hard to sort out my feelings.

Saskquatch

@skyslang "But. I sort of feel like...holding out for someone that excites me, etc. is not realistic. It seems so rare to feel that way about someone and have it returned! Which is why I start dating nice guys I'm not that into, hoping my feelings will grow...then when they don't, and I have to break it off, and I feel like an asshole."
I feel you.
As you get better at this, please share your advice.

timesnewroman

CD swap girl: There are 2 ways to get over someone. Cut them out of your life, or focus on their bad bits. I think you need to do both.

+ Don't speak to her for 3 months minimum, but really should be 6 months-a year, if possible
+ "Hide" her from your Facebook feed
+ Block her on IM
+ Make more queer friends (easier said than done, I know...other commenters/previous Ask a Queer Chicks will have more advice on this)
+ Make a list of her bad points (yes, come on, they definitely exist) and look at it when you feel weak
+ If you don't think it would cause too much drama/make your choir girl act weird and needy, tell her what's what. E.g. "hey, sometimes I feel things getting a bit weird and intense between us in our late night IM-ing, sometimes it makes me feel a bit weird and think I might not be over you 100%, so I think maybe we shouldn't speak for a bit. Talk to you soon. Love you".

Chin up. Most people here have been in your situation, and it sucks. But you're not alone. You can do this.

Inkling

@timesnewroman
Correlated to making a list of her bad points, if there's like one really unflattering picture of her on Facebook, only look at that. Works like a charm.
ETA That kind of implies it works with superstition and placebo. That may be accurate?

HeyThatsMyBike

@timesnewroman Yes, this girl is totally torturing you (and given that you confessed your feelings, totally knows it, too!). Do all these things!

Xanthophyllippa

@timesnewroman My crush on an unattainable hot friend died unbelievably quickly the day she showed up with a horrible haircut. HORRIBLE haircut. It did in 4 seconds what I'd been trying to do for about 4 years.

@timesnewroman The 6 month hiatus is what allows me to be friends with my exes. Give it 6 months, don't talk, don't facebook, don't gchat, don't try to run into them by accident, just don't. In 6 months, you'll be ready to be cool again and won't say anything stupid.

And you probably won't feel tingly in the netherbits, either.

I had dinner with my ex the other day. It was nice. Then I went home to Ladyfriend and was like "Ladyfriend, you are so awesome!"

Serafina

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Sooner, for 1,000,000,000: We're not grading on a curve here – “better than anyone I've dated in the past” does not round up to “good enough.” It's not good enough unless it's fucking awesome.

sashay

lw2 I am delurking just to say that I have been there.

much like what happened in your situation, I confessed my crush, she was a total sweetheart about it, but she said she just didn't like me like that. and of course, the fact that she handled it so well, being absolutely clear that we were not going to date, but also being completely kind and understanding and flattering to me, made me like her even more.

there was no mix tape, but we had a super close relationship with behavior that walked up right to the line of flirting, and even though I knew intellectually we were not going to date, I could not completely let go.

I sincerely believe your friend didn't mean anything by the mix tape, but even if she did, it's not as straightforward as her necessarily having feelings for you. it can feel really good to be around someone who is so obviously into you. and even if you most definitely don't want to give anyone false hope, sometimes it's just easier, and even kind of nice, to play along with the flirting a little bit.

here is why I am sure you'll be okay:
1. she just moved 10 hours away. this means unless you make a big effort to stay in touch, you're going to naturally become smaller parts of each other's lives. so, don't make the big effort. I know it's hard, because she's not only a crush object, she's also a close friend who is one of the few people you feel like you can open up to, but you have to do it anyway. you can talk to other people in chorus about music. you can see a therapist to talk about your sexuality. you will eventually find other people to be close to. and then, once you're over her completely, maybe you can be close to her again. but that might take months or years.
2. You are still in college.
Where do the queer ladies in your college hang out? At the LGBTQ club? At the women's center? On the rugby team? Start hanging out at those places. Even if you don't feel comfortable being out at those places, just being around other queer people is going to make you feel less alone. Also, I am totally serious about therapy. What does your school offer in that regard? Chances are, it's better than what you'll be able to get under any sort of health insurance you'll have once you've graduated. Take advantage of that shit! Finally, college is one of the easier environments in which to distract yourself. Throw yourself into your classes. Join some more clubs. Become too busy with campus life to even have time for late night IM sessions with your friend. An added bonus to distracting yourself in this way is that it also ups the chances you'll make some new close friends who you can start to confide in instead.

Looking back, this is essentially how I got over my friend. She moved away for grad school, I made a conscious effort to stop calling/emailing/IMing for a while, and I worked on having a life I was happy with where I was, without her. When I was consciously not being in touch with her, every few months, I'd break down and be in touch over email, end up feeling shitty about it, and back off again for a while. I had to do this like 4 times before I stopped feeling shitty about it. But it did happen eventually! And now we're close friends again. I was maid of honor in her wedding last year. So, there's hope. You can do this!

good luck!

mystique

LW1, the signals are a mystery to everyone. EVERYONE. Especially nice people, because then you're like "Maybe they're just nice?!"

But what the Queer Chick laid out? THAT is a foolproof plan, believe me. It took me until I actually (very briefly) dated someone I felt possible chemistry with that I saw the big difference between "I hope the odds are in my favor" style flirting and "HE SAID he wanted to hang out with me because he enjoy hanging out with me, as well as my face."

Though I am still TERRIBLE because I still, like a little boy (I'm a big girl), tease people I like, saying stuff like "way to be a nerd!" instead of "HOLY CRAP I AM ATTRACTED TO HOW SMART YOU ARE AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THAT WITHOUT BEING PARALYZED WITH FEAR." And then they get all quiet and I realize I am a terrible person.

maxine of arc

So does anyone have a story that goes, "I had a serious crush on someone and when I confessed, they were like, 'oh how sweet! No. Let's just be friends.' BUT THEN, I guess they changed their mind, because they started sending me cryptic signs of interest instead of just asking me out on a date. It all came to a head when I dramatically announced that I was still interested in them, and they were like 'oh jesus, I was just waiting for you to say that again!' We lived happily ever after with no emotional damage whatsoever."

Anyone? At all? My gut says no that never happens ever. But maybe it happens all the time! I don't know! A lot of my friends seem to think it does!

rougemarie

@Chesh said no one, ever.

alice b. tchotchke

@Chesh Errr. I don't want to give anyone false hope but that situation kind of/sort of happened to me. Except I was the one who said no, then obsessed and then said yes. And there were mixtapes to top it all off. Although eventually, with the help of tequila, things got much more blunt. And in my defense, the original "no" was less "I don't feel that way about you" and more a)I still need to come out and b) don't want to betray multiple people in our small, incestuous little friend group. So yeah, not so much the same situation, but tequila helps?

maxine of arc

@alice b. tchotchke Oh yeah, I think it's definitely an option if one of the parties involved hasn't come out yet. Thinking back, it's actually how I hooked up with my first girlfriend, although I wouldn't call that a success story. We were teenagers at the time, so everything was by default more dramatic than it needed to be. So, good news for ladies crushing on straight girls, maybe?

alice b. tchotchke

@Chesh Right. Ladies crushing on straight girls, good news for you! If you stick around for a year of meaningful mixtapes, drunk crying and inexperienced sex, you may -may end up in a real relationship. Lack of emotional damage not guaranteed.

Waiting

This installment is so good. Being a choir geek myself (FOREVA) I loved the setting for that tale. It also makes me want to talk about all of my inklings that I am bisexual but can't ever tell ANYONE because my boyfriend would die and I don't have close enough friends. Oh and I don't have a job so I can't afford therapy! Yay me! Hopefully that will change soon. Anyway, well done yet again QC. You're my hero.

The Frozen Head of Dorothy Zbornak

@Waiting Gurrrrrl, can we talk about our recent inklings of bisexuality? I am right there with you and confused as fuck.

The Frozen Head of Dorothy Zbornak

@The Frozen Head of Dorothy Zbornak P.S. I just sent a facebook message to a girl I like and am terrified at the moment. Someone hold me.

rougemarie

LW4, I guess I have to ask how attracted to your boyfriend do you feel physically? Like do his boy bits turn you on? Do you love the way his body feels when you hold one another? Do you ever catch your breath because damn, he's beautiful?

Human sexuality is mysterious and wonderful, and it's quite possible that you're completely into this guy but that for some reason it's the thought of ladies that get you over the edge while you're doing it. At the same time though, you say that you love and care for this guy, but you don't talk about whether you're attracted to his body as well as his awesome personality. It doesn't sound like the sex is great and he's hot but you have these recurring intrusive fantasies about women. It sounds like pretending you're in a lesbian sex bedroom is what makes your own straight sex bedroom tolerable.

If that's the case then I know it's going to be really hard for both of you, and I really feel for you... but remember that you deserve to be with someone who turns you on and is turned on by you, and also, that so does he.

hoo:ha

“If I put down this toy, someone else will grab it, so I have to keep playing with it forever” is toddler logic – you're better than that.

Ha ha!!! Love it. Firm but fair. I am going to use this line someday when I meet someone who needs to hear it. Great column in total, QC.

E Wren

LW3: MOVE TO SAN FRANCISCO!!! I'm sure other people have said that already, but, really. Move to San Francisco. Maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic because I'm about to leave it. Sniff. Such a great town.

ash
ash

Ahahahahaha oh dear holy god as LW2/That Delusional One I was hoping that letter had been lost in the mists of time and ignored (I wrote it 4 months ago). It didn't get written so much as barfed up by my hormones in a panic. I have since got my shit sorted out via a fair bit of tequila-induced shenanigans and a nice shiny new crush on a girl who very definitely reciprocates. Baby gay emotional freakouts are a thing of the past, replaced with "FUCK do I have herpes?" and "whoops was yesterday her birthday?" freakouts.

4-months-ago-delusional-me would've needed that tough love answer though. So thanks!

Update though: recently found out that choir girl was actually into me the whole time and is now maybe jealous of the girl I'm dating. queer girls are cray, y'all.

ash
ash

anyways I am basically mortified that letter actually got answered here, so.

maebytonight

I wish I knew what happened with LW4. I find myself in a situation that isn't really like hers, but involves the same types of feelings about my relationship... I wonder how it turned out for her.

josep

Update though: recently found out that choir girl was actually into me the whole time and is now maybe jealous of the girl I'm dating. queer girls are cray, y'all. bathroom faucet repair nj

josep

They're working hard, putting in long hours for little pay or no pay or the ever-popular negative pay, usually on projects so specialized they've given roofers in nj

samad

Update though: recently found out that choir girl was actually into me the whole time and is now maybe jealous of the girl I'm dating. queer girls are cray, y'all. trendy jewelry

jalisapaetzold

time though, you say that you love and care for this guy, but you don't talk about whether you're attracted to his body as well as his awesome personality. It doesn't sound like the sex is great and he's hot but you have these recurring intrusive job search

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