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20 Irrational But Nonetheless Persistent Beauty Fears I’ve Picked Up From My Time as a Female Human Being

If I forget to wear bronzer, I’ll look like Powder.

If I don’t replace my mascara every six months, I will develop huge, painful styes on both eyes. And then I’ll probably go blind.

My deodorant is definitely giving me armpit cancer, right this very minute.

If I use the wrong shade of foundation, women’s magazine editors will swoop down from the sky, hawk-like, and pelt me to death with bottles of the correct shade.

If I neglect to wash my face before bed, I will wake up the next morning with cystic acne, dirty sheets, and probably cancer?

I will likely contract tetanus from shaving with a rusty razor.

If I overpluck my eyebrows, they’ll never grow back, and I will be stuck looking like Powder (again!) for the rest of my godforsaken life.

If I part my hair in the middle, my face will look fat. If I part my hair on the side, my face will look long. If I don’t part my hair, I’ll look like Cousin Itt.

If I use chapstick every day, my lips will become addicted, to the point that if I don’t apply it every 10 minutes, they’ll peel off and just be two bloody lines under my nose.

If I use two different kinds of zit treatments on top of one another, my face will become so dry it ignites, like lightning on loose kindling.

That gel polish turns your nails yellow, brittle, and witch-like, right? No? I thought I read that somewhere.

If I shave my bikini line instead of waxing it, the hair will grow back in the shape of the words ‘YOU IDIOT.’ And it will all be ingrown.

Exfoliating scrubs with big beads will rip off many layers of my skin, leaving me red, scabby, and pale like Powder.

If I put on too much makeup, I’ll look like a character on Toddlers & Tiaras. If I put on too little makeup, I’ll look like a character on Deadliest Catch (one of the fish).

If I wear too much perfume, I will get eaten alive by mosquitos. If I wear too little perfume, I will be mistaken for a large and odorous man.

If I borrow an eyelash curler from you, I will die. Like, right there and then. But at least my eyelashes will look good at my funeral.

Previously: I … Tried to Adopt a Cat.

Emma Rosenblum is an editor at Glamour. She spends her free time watching TV and looking up diseases that she might have on


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