Wednesday, July 18, 2012


Things I Cannot Do With 3D Nails

Cannot retrieve keys from small pocket inside purse.
Cannot retrieve subway tokens from bottom of purse.
Cannot apply liquid eyeliner.
Cannot sleep with hands under face, as per usual.
Cannot work bottle opener (!!!!).
Cannot run my fingers through hair.
Cannot put my hair in ponytail.
Really cannot do anything involving hair. 
Cannot go for more than two-minute periods of typing without staring at my nails.
Cannot go for more than two-minute periods of anything in general without staring at my nails.

Things I can do when I have 3D nails:
Have the coolest fucking nails.

Haley Mlotek is pleased to meet you, but she really shouldn't shake your hand right now. She gets her nails done at Pinky's Nails in Toronto.

34 Comments / Post A Comment


I was literally running my hand through my hair when I read the line that you can't. What! This is why I don't have nice things (nails).

fondue with cheddar

@SarahP For me, that was the worst thing about wearing a wedding ring.

Actually, it was the second worst thing.


still so beautiful@n


Can you pick your nose? Because that's my go-to relaxation technique. I know, gross.


@elsbels it gives you time to sit back and contemplate the world!


I need these?! Get me to Toronto immediately.


Holy cow, these are awesome. Unfortunately, I don't think I can give up having a ponytail, but their 2D nails look great, too! Putting this on the list of places to check out when I go to Toronto.


Wow, super cool incapacitating beauty regimen! Can't wait for the next in the series, "Things I Cannot Do With Bound Feet"!


@Exene Ooh! 1. Tend rice paddies
2. Chase down chickens to slaughter
3. Flee approaching armies
4. Really anything involving fleeing


@Exene well, I wouldn't exactly classify this as a "beauty regimen." I doubt our writer here is getting a lot more offers for marriage or sexing because she has a little flower glued to her nail. This is more like an awesome regimen, just something to show off to ladyfriends.


But ... nails are already three-dimensional? Unless everyone else has two-dimensional nails, which I imagine would be just as incapacitating as these girls' talons.
FWIW I think they are cute and I'm sad my food service job disallows me from making myself attractive in any way, shape, or form.


@amity Okay I clearly meant to respond to the post as a whole but wine prevents me from being a competent human being at the moment.


i definitely agree that these look pretty awesome. but not being able to do all of those things (ESPECIALLY SUBWAY TOKENS THOSE CRAFTY LITTLE FUCKERS) would be a deal breaker for me.

my nails are pink. my toes are orange. they look aiight i guess.


It is super cute how you guys still have those! I think I have one sitting around somewhere. Hopefully you won't upgrade the system before I get back there!


@josiahg it is highly unlikely the promised upgrade (an already apparently out of date system) will take place with our current mayor/transit plan disaster. So, if you come back between here and 2017, you're golden.


Oh my God I would probably tear off an entire fingernail with those things on them.


Wow, you need a ungular version of a "shabbas goy."

Esther C. Werdiger

*that thing where you tap the side of your nose to imply understanding*


Um...tampons. Tampons and probably pretty much anything vagina and/or bathroom related would probably be a little bit of a problem I would think.

Daisy Razor

@sovereignann@twitter ...handjobs gone horribly wrong.


@Daisy Razor Maybe it could be a combo: 3D nails and an accidental vajazzle.

maybe partying will help


Well, now Accidental Vajazzle is my new slutwave band name.


@sovereignann@twitter Difficulty masturbating was my first thought.


This is exactly the reason I won't do 3D nails. I just can't deal with not being able to do stuff. I would destroy them within the first 15 minutes.


Oh, I don't think I could tolerate any of that; I can feel when my nails have just regular polish on them so I think actual doodads would make me crazy. Also, I'd wreck 'em all in 15 minutes flat, I just know it.

But, Author Lady, your nails themselves are such a nice length and shape! Lovely!


@Hellcat they feel like your nails can't breathe!


@Amphora Yeah, I can tolerate the regular polish, and it helps me try not to mangle my fingers and cuticles when they look pretty, but even that feels different than bare nails. I feel like this stuff would make me feel like I had Krazy Glue on me or something.

Daisy Razor

Is it just the flowers that catch or all of the glued on pieces? Because I am loving that quilted pinky of yours, but I gotta change my daughter's diapers, and catching anything involved with that would be tragic.


@Daisy Razor ohhhh that took my imagination to a dark place FAST.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

This makes me feel dumb because I keep looking the pictures, hoping to see the pattern with the designs! Is there a pattern? Someone help!

Anne Davies@facebook

Yay! I want to not do things just like you... Just LOVE these Pinky girls and their designs xoxo


@Anne Davies@facebook : YES. I love the all-gold-squares one. They're like teeny low-rise pyramid studs. I would totally get a full mani of that, if they come in silver. But just for an Occasion, because I caaaaan't go more that two days without painting my nails.


Have you checked out the new MAC version of press-on nails? Uber cool without all the challenges of 3D.


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