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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

114

The Magic Mike Pie

Previously: How Are We Coping With Unemployment?

Ann Friedman is unemployed. She always brings a flask of whiskey to the theater.

114 Comments / Post A Comment

parallel-lines

It taught me that Joe Manganiello is way hotter with his mouth closed. He has the kind of voice you'd expect from a dude with a really thick neck.

Shhh shhh, it's okay Joey. Don't speak.

Biggest Turn off: Cody Horn is lacking in any redeeming qualities. That horrible nasal-y voice that sounds like a teenager made at their parents for making them do the dishes. I guess she's hot...ish. She's so dull and wooden any hotness about her is completely erased.

applestoapples

@parallel-lines Her way of being serious was deadening her eyes and jutting out her bottom jaw like she had TMJ.

Slutface

@applestoapples I read somewhere yesterday that she got the part because her dad is a big name in the industry.

parallel-lines

@applestoapples I'm not trying to turn this into the Cody Horn Hate Hour, but GOD IT WAS AWFUL. Like, was it just me or did she not really move her mouth when she talked? When Olivia Munn outacts you by a mile you are failing it so hard.

I also worried a lot about what it would be like to be with a dude that shaved his body that much, and if the full body stubble would hurt/burn?

applestoapples

@Slutface Her dad is Alan Horn, who used to run Warner Brothers. Surprise, surprise, the casting for this movie happened right before her dad left WB to take the helm at Walt Disney.

applestoapples

@parallel-lines When she tried to have that weird breakdown, it hurt to watch her try to squeeze out tears. I just focused on the potbelly piglet trying to get its bottle of milk in the corner.

MoonBat

@parallel-lines Having dated a bodybuilder, yes, the stubble is awful. Boys, never shave like that! Trim only!!!

tessamae

@parallel-lines It could very well just be me, but she totally gave me a blonde Michelle Rodriguez-vibe. Dead eyes, her mouth. The way she has no inflection in her voice.

roughe

@parallel-lines aw, i actually thought it was kind of refreshing that they cast a kind of plain, normal looking girl next to channing tatum. you hardly ever seen plain leading ladies (though you see a lot of unattractive men *cough* seth rogan). but i didn't know the bit about her dad so that kind of spoils it a little bit...

applestoapples

@roughe I'm totally on board for the normal-looking girl. Just maybe one that can actually act. There are plenty of those.

alannaofdoom

@applestoapples Yes, did they give her quaaludes before every scene? The camera is on! They are filming you right now! Wake up! At least breathe or something! Blink? Anything?

evil melis

Today I am formally renouncing my relationship with the Hairpin, because it turns out that every single one of you is wrong about everything all of the time.

For when in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one commenter to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of earth the separate and equal station to which the laws of the Hairpin and of the Hairpin's Editors entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of the Awl network requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

THEY have slandered Michelle Rodriguez, the beauty & majesty of whose triceps knows no bounds.

THEY have disparagingly compared Cody Horn, who has the dirty-handed and sullen charm of a kidnapped and disinherited princess, to Kristen Stewart, about whom no evil may be spoken.

We, therefore, Melises both evil and un-, assembled appealing to the Supreme Web Master of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good People of this site, solemnly publish and declare, that this commenting account is, and of right ought to be, a free and independent handle, that they are absolved from all allegiance to other Hairpinners, and that all connection between them is and ought to be totally dissolved.

You bastards.

parallel-lines

@evil melis Strangely enough, while typing my comment I worried that Melis would be upset over Cody Horn. You totally have a type.

parallel-lines

@evil melis I also like that the google search 'sullen Kristen Stewart" produces MANY pages of results

applestoapples

@evil melis No, don't go! What if we promise to only shrug indifferently at Kristen Stewart?

melis

Evil Melis is busy cross-referencing everyone who complained about Cody Horn's sullen mouth with everyone who commented on those "Don't tell me to smile, smiling was invented by the patriarchy you face facist" articles, and ancient gods help any of you who turn up in both.

Nutmeg

The only thing Magic Mike has taught me about my sexuality is that I am 100% willing to see a movie about a male stripper just because Channing Tatum.

Also, I guess that 13-year-old baby dyke me would be really confused right now, and I would have to sit her down and re-explain the Kinsey scale

sarah girl

I feel weird about this movie, I don't know why. I feel like I'd just die of second-hand embarrassment in the theater if I saw it? I am 100% behind attractive men in various states of undress, but for some reason I am just NOT feeling this movie!

parallel-lines

@Sarah H. It was genuinely embarassing in part, can't lie, especially the dance numbers which are mostly 95% unsexy--especially when they're dry humping the ladies.

WhiskeySour

@Sarah H. I haven't seen it, so I can't speak to the actual quality of the movie. (Maybe it's great? Is it great?) But it seems like there's this kind of annoying undercurrent surrounding it of "Har Har Har! Ladies are so simple and shallow! They get turned on by the tamest of things." I also find I don't really like being aggressively marketed to as the target audience. It feels...pandering?

Slutface

@WhiskeySour I'm torn on the movie too. On one hand, I like that it flips the script on gender objectification, but on the other, it bothers me that when men are objectified, it's a celebration and a joke.

evil melis

YES WHY DOES MAGIC MIKE REFUSE TO INSTANTLY REVERSE HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF THE MALE GAZE

THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY MAGIC TO ME MIKE

FoxyRoxy

@Sarah H. I blushed throughout most of the movie and had to hide my face in my t-shirt save for my eyes because I did not want to miss a second. I loved everything about this movie. But I blushed uncontrollably and then kept blushing for hours afterward.

annlf

@evil melis THIS COMMENT. Y E S .

DrFeelGood

@Sarah H. Yea, don't bother. There was basically nothing sexy about this movie. You leave and feel like you need to find the nearest eye wash station. It was about 5 minutes of dialoge and 1 hr 55 minutes of not very sexy male stripping.

Probs

True story: my girlfriend recently attended the swim meet of her church family's kids, and one of the other swim moms told my girlfriend's church-dad that he might get lucky when his wife came back from seeing Magic Mike because she'd be "all wettened up."

wharrgarbl

@Probs Keep it classy, swim-moms!

Lemonnier

@Probs What is a church-dad?

Danzig!

@Lemonnier Like a swim mom, but a dad and for church

wharrgarbl

@Danzig! ...I now have the worst mental picture of church-meets and competitive churching and families coming out to support their church-going children at these events.

Jaya

I learned that the best way to see it is with your mom.

Ham Snadwich

@Jaya - Your mom?

clace

Biggest turn-off: that Channing Tatum's many-pocketed vest wasn't a major plot point. I thought for sure because he had SO MANY pockets, he'd be able to pocket an totally unfair number of dollar bills and crush some Miami dreams.

Danzig!

@clace Costume design by Rob Liefield

collier

@Danzig! : Heh.

Anna Jayne@twitter

I thought C. Tates was actually really funny in a lot of it! Good job, smooth ape-man.

When "Pony" came on, though, I started clapping.

FoxyRoxy

@Anna Jayne@twitter Pony is my go to song. I was ready to cheer at that point.

applestoapples

I'm generally indifferent to Channing Tatum's looks, but his ass was chiseled by the gods. Him walking to the bathroom naked is highly gif-worthy. I was also fascinated by the "spread knees-slide knees-hump stage-repeat" move he did in every routine that seemed to drive the ladies wild.

Also, I felt a momentary sense of sorrow because I knew that club was somewhere on Dale Mabry Highway. Spring Break 1999 for the lose.

maybe partying will help

@applestoapples

If I go to this movie and 2001 Odyssey shows up, I will freak out. Thing I have always wanted #465: to see the strip club with a spaceship on it committed to film in a reasonably major motion picture.

applestoapples

@maybe partying will help Sadly, 2001 Odyssey doesn't make an appearance, but they hang out quite a bit in Ybor.

Boog

@maybe partying will help - haha yes!!

maybe partying will help

I cannot tell you how EVEN MORE EXCITED I am to see this movie now that I know it's set in Tampa.

Once it is on DVD I will buy it and watch it with The Punisher on days when I really miss Ybor City.

Slutface

I don't find him attractive (TOO MUSCULAR!), but he's very charismatic and I love him in interviews. Also, he was awesome in Step Up.

Wednesday

@Slutface He's very charming. And though he seems to maybe lack range, he does what he does very well.

tessamae

@Slutface He will always be on my good list just for being a part of my beloved Step Up series. Also, his ass.

skyslang

@Slutface Agreed. He's so square and hairless and...golden-brown. I find him bland. He will forever be Tater Tot Tatum to me.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@skyslang He's not necessarily good-looking, he's just... there are feelings that happen in me when I see him?

sudden but inevitable betrayal

Seeing this on Thursday with my much older coworkers. Can't wait!

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Also something something I'd eat his pie something something more innuendo etc.

contrary

PONNNNNY. Let's do thiiiiis.

Pound of Salt

"Pony" always & forever

Lemonnier

Why does the second pie chart add up to 105%? Is it because ladies will be 105% turned on?!?

Wednesday

Turn offs:
-Movies shot through an instagram filter
-Underdeveloped female characters like Buzzy Mc Buzzkill

Turn ons:
-Matthew Bomer's face
-Alex Pettyfer in the cowboy outfit (I know he's supposed to be douchey irl, but... scruffy cowboy outfit)
-Definitely 'Pony'

TheDragon

@Wednesday
The cowboy outfit. This cowgirl was DYING.

Edabelle

The relentless campaign to turn Channing Tatum into America's Next Top Sex God is evidence that Hollywood needs more female movie execs. His handsomeness is the kind that appeals to teenage boys and their emotional equivalents -- not to actual adult women. He looks like a locker room towel-snapper. That neck seriously needs to quit it.

-----------

@LilaB Hey now, I'm an actual adult woman and were my relationship to end and the stars to align just so, I would ride the SHIT out of Channing Tatum.

Edabelle

@Kate Croy I stand corrected. To each her own neck-width preferences!

FoxyRoxy

@LilaB I am an adult woman and I want Channing to throw me against a wall and snap my towel.

likethestore

@LilaB That's a really uncool thing to say. Which celebs are "adult women" allowed to lust over? Please let me know.

Edabelle

@likethestore Ouch. Apologies for uncoolness. Was aiming for irreverence and evidently veered off the mark. (That said, I am compiling a list of acceptable lust objects and will be happy to forward!)

Boog

Can I be honest? I had a dirty dream last night about Joe Manganiello...mmm that body.

But c'mon now, Tampa isn't so bad, although I am sorta biased because I live here.

Heat Signature

Love me some defined pelvic muscles.

Montana

The Seattle meetup group is having an event on Friday to go see this after happy hour... anyone in the area is welcome to join in! https://www.facebook.com/events/465610510115793/

arizonatime

Turn offs: 100% Tampa

Turn ons: 100% Matt Bomer

nyikint

...I am sorry to be this person but the bottom pie chart is 105% turned on.

nyikint

@nyikint Argh, Lemmonier noticed and made the joke already... always read the comments first!

hijabeng

Haven't watched the movie but these pie charts are my jam!

hellohello

OK, what does it mean if you really strongly related to the Kid's sister, even though you knew she was a bad actress? Does it mean I am too worried about my brother? He isn't even a stripper (that I know of!)

All I know is, I couldn't concentrate on all the naked dudes because I was distracted worrying about her brother. Will he ever get it together??

likethestore

@hellohello I know, I really related to her too, because I too have a wayward little brother too handsome for his own good who frequently loses jobs because he's an ass. I think Adam will die of a drug overdose. :/

Anna Jayne@twitter

I'm not from Tampa, but several of my best friends are, and I was very disappointed there was not a scene that took place in a Publix.

Anna Jayne@twitter

@Anna Jayne@twitter A SEXY PUBLIX

okaycrochet

@Anna Jayne@twitter That word sounds way, way dirtier in this context. I can't believe that wasn't a plot point.

maybe partying will help

@Anna Jayne@twitter

I miss Publix so muuuuuch. And yes many notable scenes from my life have taken place in Publixes (Publices?).

DrFeelGood

@Anna Jayne@twitter I liked how Miami is apparently the male stripping mecca of the world, and Tampa is wayyy too far away to like, franchise your stripping club and have 2 (!) stripclubs.

wharrgarbl

@maybe partying will help There should have been a sexy stripping scene in a Publix bakery with one of their fancy-pants cakes. Like one of the ones with chocolate whipped cream filling.

the roughest toughest frail

I've had "Ladies of Tampa" stuck in my head for the past 3 days.
When 'Pony' started playing, the whole theatre went bananas. 'Pony' forever.

Alixana

@abetterfate OMG, I just went to YouTube to search for the Pony scene and the illegal video that's up there has some girl vocally orgasming over the top of it. Bad idea!

FoxyRoxy

I am in love with Channing's neck. Last Friday, 73% of my comments on Twitter were about DAT NECK. It is so thick. I feel like, maybe it has magical powers. Really, I want all of him, but I also enjoy considering his assets individually.

flanhoodles

@FoxyRoxy Channing Tatum is handsome like Buzz Lightyear.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@flanhoodles I am seriously considering changing my screen name to "Channing Tatum is handsome like Buzz Lightyear."

Danzig!

Ladies help! Help me convince my feminist ladybro that this is a thing worth seeing. I mean personally I admire that Hot Shit movie star C. Tatum made a small-scale passion project out of an odd-job that most dudes would probably like to forget. Plus, Matty McC! Totally underrated.

Danzig!

@Danzig! Also miiiiiiiight have a touch of the bi going

wharrgarbl

@Danzig! Uh...this may help destigmatize men involved in sex-work, delegitimize the narrative that only women are involved in sex-work, and appears to promote the female gaze for once? Money spent on this might make the studios re-evaluate their position on female-targeted entertainment as pointless if no one gets married at the end and help undermine the retrograde, sexist notions about female desire that are currently entrenched in the studio system? (Also, get it, guy!)

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@wharrgarbl @Danzig! Also, Steven Soderbergh? I imagine that everyone has enjoyed at least one of Soderbergh's movies, right?

DrFeelGood

@wharrgarbl Except that it was a hooooorrible movie, put women down as horny, bored housewives who are sexually unfulfilled, definitely fell into the whole women are either Virgins or Whores trope, and I wished I had stayed home and watched Striptease instead. Also Mathhew McC looked like a Slim Jim. The kind you eat.

Danzig!

@DrFeelGood Oh I WOULD snap into him oh yeahhhhhh

wharrgarbl

@DrFeelGood :( I didn't mean to use bullshit for evil.

redheaded&crazy

i'm going to see this tonight with a large horde of women, and a bigger stack of one dollar bills.

WISH ME LUCK!

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie haha "one dollar bills"

the roughest toughest frail

@redheaded&crazie the floor of my theatre was littered with Monopoly bills.

Lenora Jane

@redheaded&crazie haha you crossed the border for it? THAT'S DEDICATION

Inconceivable!

I have been on board the Channing Tatum train since She's the Man and Step Up, so perhaps I am biased, but I loved the movie. He's such a good dancer, you guys! I even thought Alex Pettyfer (who seems like an ass) was super cute when smiling and not being a brat.

OxfordComma

@Inconceivable! : THE DANCING.

likethestore

Swear to god I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a movie so much, cargo shorts and all. I want to see it again and every day after that.

TheDragon

Hush. I kinda like knee length cargo shorts! Way better than jorts, and when you live in the Chihuahuan Desert you just cant expect men to wear pants all year!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@The Kendragon What exactly is the deal with the knee-length cargo short hate? Are they supposed to be longer? Shorter? Not so pockety? SOMEONE EXPLAIN

TheDragon

I would also just like to add that one of my coworkers "booed" loudly whenever it only showed buzzkill sister on screen. I've decided we need to be best friends.

Brunhilde

I finally got around to googling Channing Tatum just now and... I've never seen any of his movies and his face doesn't even look familiar? I expected to at least be able to go "Oh, that guy", but no.

skyslang

@Brunhilde As I commented above, he's just a giant Tater Tot. That's why you didn't recognize him! Featureless. Golden brown. Square. Tater Tot Tatum!

DrFeelGood

@Brunhilde The whole movie the only thing I could think of was "what's this guy's name again? Tayty chatting? Chatty Tartar?"

Brunhilde

@DrFeelGood Tatum O'Neal? No... Stockard Channing? No... Stockard O'Neal?

OxfordComma

It was SO BAD and SO FILLED WITH CHEST.

While also *not* being filled with enough chest.
Basically,
I booed every time the camera went from dancing to "plot".

Pfft.
Surely you jest, director?
Clearly, we all came for the objectification.

Pony forever, y'all.

TheDragon

@OxfordComma YES.
We did not fork out $10 for bad acting and weak plot. We forked out $10 to objectify the hell out of overly chiseled men. God.

OxfordComma

@The Kendragon : AW, YEAH.

simalie

Is it a bad idea to see this with my boyfriend? He's a pretty feminist dude, so that helps, but...nudity? I don't know.

Alixana

@simalie My feminist dude really enjoyed it but he like knows one of the actors so had his own interest in it? He was also not discomfited by the middle-aged women hooting and hollering, but your dude might be.

piekin

@simalie I saw it with my feminist boyfriend, and during the first stripping scene I was like ZOMG EMBARRASSING but then I got over it. At points I could almost hear my bf's eyeballs rolling in his head, but he was a good sport! It's ultimately very tame nudity/sexiness. My favorite part was when Matthew McC tears those two little triangles of fabric off his ass cheeks to turn his pants into chaps.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@simalie Entertainment Weekly ran a piece on the Top 5 reasons why straight dudes might enjoy it. I'm not sure if it will help or not, but here you go.

simalie

@all Awesome, it looks like a go! I guess I'll drag him to the theater, and then afterwards we'll obvi have to have sexytimes to reward him, since the internet tells me that's the way it works (I've been reading some comments on articles, NEVER DO THAT, SERIOUSLY, WHY DO I KEEP DOING THAT???)

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Two things:
1- PONY?! omg. I now need to see this movie. Would it be wrong to start a Twitter hashtag like #Pony2012?

2- This movie is probably the most perfect excuse to rewatch this. As if I needed a reason.

OxfordComma

@Rookie : Pony2012 FOREVER.

serendipity

Why does the second one add up to 105%?
Really want to see this movie though, me and my best friend are gonna leave our boyfriends at home and have a girly night out!

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