Monday, July 16, 2012


The Forest Dolls of Hillsborough, New Hampshire

My mom’s boyfriend recently got a $30K lawsuit settlement, and with it he bought a truck. He had lots of money left over, though, and because my mom really likes dolls (she had American Girl ones when she was little, and when her grandma left her a bunch of clown dolls when she died), when they went up to Hillsborough, NH, to drop off my uncle (who was visiting), they went around to several different yard sales in the area buying dolls. When she went about putting them in the back of the truck to take them all home, though, she forgot to put the trailer hitch up, and while they were driving down the back roads, the dolls all slowly spilled out. When they realized this, they tried to go back to find them all but couldn't.

There is still a big pile of old dolls lying on the side of the road in the woods of Hillsborough, NH. These are the ones they found, and she put them all in the same room.

Josh Jensen was once dumped in a Waffle House, but at least he's 80% sure he isn't a creepy doll.

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Not to be pedantic, but how did the author's mother have American Girl dolls when she was little? I am not that old!


@EternalFootwoman I was just wondering that.


@EternalFootwoman That was my first thought too. I am 33 and they didn't even exist when I was doll-aged.


@EternalFootwoman thank you for beating me to it. I am confused! is this a 16 and pregnant type situation?


@EternalFootwoman This was my reaction too! I'm in my mid-thirties and I was too old for AG dolls. I suppose someone younger than me could have a child old enough to write this post??? Nope, not working. My mind is blown.


@carbonation Maybe the author is only 15 and his mom was also 15 when he was born. This is going to drive me crazy.


@carbonation Eh... I'm 33 too and the company started in 1986, and I had one.

Miss Violet

@EternalFootwoman Maybe he means Madame Alexander? Those were the dolls my mom and her sister had, which we played with as kids whenever we went to my grandmother's house. They were rather a precursor to American Girl, with the different outfits and personalities. Very girl-like, not glam like Barbie. Oh, Barbie...


@EternalFootwoman This was my first thought as well. I know there were Barbies from the 60's (I think) that were called American Girl. So maybe it was those? (Droppin' some doll facts up in here. Why is this information in my brain?)


@EternalFootwoman Exactly what I came here to lament.


@EternalFootwoman seriously!i need to know the math here.

Lily Rowan

Ha ha ha! I was totally going to post about this, too. I happen to know the author is A Young, but not 15 young.


Okay, so...let's see. AG was founded in 1986, twenty-six years ago. What's the older end of the age range for those dolls? Twelve? A twelve-year-old in 1986 was born in 1974; if she had a child at eighteen, the child would now be twenty. So I suppose it's not implausible. But...this makes me feel crotchety.

Lustful Cockmonster

@annejumps@twitter Me too, 33 here and I had Kirsten...got it the year they came out I think. But still, I am not old enough to have a child writing at the hairpin...(ok, maybe TECHNICALLY I am, but...)


@Grumplestiltskin ....all i can think about is that if this woman still likes dolls enough to dedicate a whole room to it as an adult, then she probably wasn't so "little" when she had american girl dolls. maybe she was like 17 or 18 when she had the dolls...which would make the math a little less intense. Hmmm...




So, yard-sale dolls carelessly cast off along the side of a sylvan New Hampshire road is exactly the opening to a horror movie. You don't suspect these dolls remember, do you? Oh yes. They remember everything. Porcelain eyes can never forget.


@Emby Did they forget to put the hitch up, or did the dolls undo it?


@Emby + One MILLION Internet Points for you!


This is the stuff of nightmares


It's Jooooooosh!

Please tell me you never go into that room. Anything could happen.


@SarahP My middle school friend had a similarly large and creepy doll collection in her guest room, and she would have to put them all in the closet if I spent the night.


@SarahP Seriously. If you get too freaked out, just email me, ok? Our house is 100% doll-free.


@meetapossum My grandma had the huge doll collection. I had to put tissues over their faces when I slept in that room

Reginal T. Squirge

1. How were people not horrified to see child-shaped beings falling out of the back of a truck for several miles? Maybe nobody saw this happen since they were driving down back roads?

2. When I read that first sentence, I thought, "How did you get a truck for $30?" Then I realized it wasn't a grand settlement for $30. It was a settlement for $30,000.


@Reginal T. Squirge There's not a lot of traffic in New Hampshire... I doubt anyone was behind them at all.


@SarahP truer words, etc.


@stonefruit Except the dolls.


@SarahP ::screams::


@Reginal T. Squirge When my mom was a child she was fighting with her brother in the back seat of her mom's station wagon, and somehow her clothing got caught on the door handle and she tumbled out of the moving car. As the story goes, my grandma was so annoyed with my uncle, she refused to listen to anything he said as he was screaming about his sister falling out. A man driving behind them saw my mom's limp body hit the ground and roll, and he pulled over to collect her, thinking she "looked like a nice doll that someone wouldn't want to lose". He told her he was terrified when he saw her pick her self up, brush herself off and stomp to the curb to angrily wait for her mother to return.


I'm not super picky about grammar on the internet, but this is almost unintelligible.


@ba-na-nas super picky super picky super picky super super super picking picky! picky piccy supper super picky; super picky super super superr picky picky picky super picky picc pic pcky super super soooooper super trouper picky picky pikcy pick pick pick super picky super picky super picky unintelligible.


@ba-na-nas Not being snarky: what did you find unintelligible about it? The second sentence is a bit run-on and has some unnecessary details, but I personally didn't have trouble following the story.


@ba-na-nas What an odd comment.

The Lady of Shalott

@frigwiggin I am trying not to be too pedantic or picky, but I also had a little bit of trouble--there is still a pile of dolls on the side of the road? That they found? I think it's because it jumps from "they couldn't find them all" to "There is still a big pile of dolls." Maybe I'm just not reading it correctly, though.


@The Lady of Shalott That was the trouble I was having. I couldn't figure out where the dolls were.


@frigwiggin By the time it occurred to me that the problem was probably my brain, not the writing, it was too late.


@ba-na-nas I had trouble parsing some of the sentences on the first read as well; it's not just you. Oh well! Variety in sentence structure is the spice of life!


@ba-na-nas: No, I had the same problem - if the dolls were in a big pile by the side of the road, why couldn't they find them? Unless the doll-pile they encountered weren't their dolls, which makes a whole different kind of sense and a much more interesting story.


New Hampshire is like the Texas of New England.



Sort of, and yet not really. More like the North Carolina of New England.


@City_Dater Grrrrl, it's totally the Texas of New England!

It's all "Live Free or Die...BITCHES!" and Texas is all "Don't Mess with Texas...BITCHES!".

It voted for George Bush in 2004; so did Texas.

It doesn't have sales tax; Texas doesn't have state income tax.

(Un?)Relatedly, Maine is like the South of New England.


@wee_ramekin From what my aunt says, NH is becoming the Idaho of New England with all the Free Staters moving there. Look for a major Ruby Ridge-like incident somewhere north of Concord in the next 5-10 years.


@wee_ramekin New Hampshire also has no state income tax; they just have super-high property taxes to make up for all that free livin'.
Also, how dare you, New England has no South! (But if you must, you have to include NH with Maine on that one.)


@NeenerNeener Grrrrl*, New England definitely has a The South, and it is definitely Maine. (I can say this because I'm a New Englander born and bred, Ilived in Maine for four years in college, and now I live in Texas [which is like The South, but also like New Hampshire and also like no other place on Earth].)

*What is up with me and "Grrrrrl" today?


As someone who grew up in Mass, spent weekends in New Hampshire, and then lived in Maine, none of it prepared me for living in The South. (But I love them all, still.)
But I get what you're saying.


@NeenerNeener Oh yeah, that's true. Nothing in New England can even remotely prepare one for living in The South. There's not enough preparation in the world for a thing like that.


@wee_ramekin As a southerner who has lived to New Hampshire, NH is maybe south-lite? I see what you're saying, compared to VT and Mass, but it's still way less terrible than the south.

I moved back and forth between VT and NH because I worked at Dartmouth, on the border, and I always said I lived in VT to people who were elsewhere. Because VT >>> NH, in all the ways.

Heat Signature

@wee_ramekin What does this MEANNNNNN???? I agree with you about New Hampshire (them effers are nuts) but why is Maine the South of New England what did we doooooooo????


@wee_ramekin And Pennsylvania is the Mexico, but waaaaay less fun.


@wee_ramekin As a lifelong New Hampshirer who has never ever heard these comparisons, I feel like I now must reconsider my entire identity...

Also, we were the only state to vote Bush in '00 that then didn't vote for him in '04.


@lucindajane Oops! Sorry girl, I totally flubbed on NH's voting record; you're right.

@Heat Signature @lucindajane I made these comparisons pretty tongue-in-cheekily, but I do stand behind them. To give you some background, I grew up in Connecticut and absolutely, positively identify as a proud New Englander. I went to college in Maine (loved it), lived in Boston for a year, and then moved to Austin, TX, where I've been for the last 6 years.

Obviously there is no way in which any New England state is actually comparable to any Southern state, but superficially, I do find some similarities. New Hampshire is pretty "fuck you, rest of the world" in its attitude, and the Texas experience is like taking that attitude and then Texas-sizing it (and then adding Rick Perry and a completely backwards legislature into the mix, and basically destroying any vestige of social contract between a government and its people that could ever exist [25% of the state uninsured, anyone?!] and and and...I'ma quit before I have an anurysm).

Regarding my "Maine is like The South of New England" statement...well, in some ways, it's pretty true. I'm going to kind of bash on Maine/The South here, but the similarities that I found are that:

It's the most rural of all the New England states.

It's the poorest state in New England.

It's got its own accent (Maine-ahs!).

Anecdotally, the percentage of obese folk is higher in Maine than anywhere else that I saw in New England, and The South has a much higher percentage of obesity than anywhere I saw in New England. (I think this is related to poverty levels in both places.)

I found Mainers to be a friendlier lot than New Englanders from other states, much in the same way that Southerners are light-years friendlier than New Englanders are.

Basically, if there were a "The South" in New England, it would be Maine!

#ducks and runs for cover


@wee_ramekin Caveated to add: If The South were a little bit more like Maine, I would not be half as worried about the state of our country as I am now.


I have seen Antiques Roadshow - the open-mouthed doll! It may be priceless!


@NeenerNeener That open-mouthed doll is making me think unwanted porny thoughts. Priceless indeed...


Mistress of Chucky......





That sums up all my reactions to this thread perfectly.


@NeenerNeener That's what she said...


I'm going to jump on the pedantic train and say it's not the trailer hitch that was the problem, it was the tailgate. #trucklady


Anyone in NH want to go hunt creepy feral dolls?


@OptimistPrime My first reaction as well! And then I realized, no. Creepy.


my mom really likes dolls (she had American Girl ones when she was little, and when her grandma left her a bunch of clown dolls when she died)

Did her grandma hate her?


@Verity Ugh, right? It blows my mind that people enjoy these things.




@derpderp hey


@herpherp ilu :3


@derpderp :c


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