Monday, July 30, 2012


Olympic Dreams

1. I get lost driving on the way to the stadium on the morning I'm supposed to swim the 200m butterfly, and I miss the race, but when I finally get there, 14-time-gold-medalist Michael Phelps tells me that I've won anyway, and that if he had to lose, he is glad to have lost it to such a worthy adversary. I climb the steps of the podium to accept my gold medal as Michael Phelps, Kerri Strug, and Thom Yorke all chant my name in unison and give me high-fives.

2. I'm performing a simple yet elegant ribbon routine during rhythmic gymnastics to the tune of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”  when I realize I have a monster one-sided wedgie. Ann Romney rides by on her dressage horse Rafalca, shaking her head in disapproval. 

3. I'm winding up to throw my javelin when I hear a voice in my ear, even though no one is there. It is the voice of my mother, who says that the time has come to tell me that I was born a twin, and that my identical twin sister was separated from me at birth, just like in The Parent Trap, and that, when my javelin lands, it will land on a giant world map on the ground, indicating where my long-lost sister is living right now, and that I must then go find her and bring her home.

4. I'm on the 10-meter high dive, about to jump, when I realize I'm wearing a sandwich bag on my head instead of a swim cap, and the pool far below is filled with marshmallow fluff and Nutella. The elderly librarian from my elementary school is alone in the bleachers, waving a tiny American flag. I stuff an entire loaf of bread into my mouth and jump headfirst into the pool, but I do not land because ...

5. ... then I am on a bicycle, speeding towards the finish in the cross country road race. I am trying to ride straight, which is difficult, because 2012 Tour de France winner Bradley Wiggins is driving next to me in a Volkswagen Bug, and he is leaning out of the car and giving me a tattoo on my bicep as I ride. “Hold still,” he says. “Drive faster!” I say. I look down at the tattoo and see that he is drawing a portrait of himself.


Previously: Phobias, in Chronological Order.

Lauren Kirchner does not play sports. 


44 Comments / Post A Comment

Anne Helen Petersen

ACTUAL DREAM FROM LAST NIGHT: I rearrange all of my elaborate, long-germinating, carefully orchestrated moving plans in order to make out with Ryan Lochte.


@Anne Helen Petersen was he wearing the grill!?

Anne Helen Petersen

@notbusy He was not, but he was constantly looking over his shoulder on the look out for tall, gangly looking guys


@Anne Helen Petersen I too had an actual Olympic dream last night! I was coaching Ryan Lochte for an interview in the "financial services sector" (I work for a non profit; I am, in real life, not close to qualified for this, but, IN DREAMS...) and he was goofing around and kept asking if he could wear his grill. Then at the very end of the practice interview, he told me he studied economics at Florida State and had been holding out on me.

Then I was in a pioneer house with my grandparents, and they were dressed like pioneers, but I wasn't and I was being loud and rambunctious and I was asked to settle down.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me



I'm now convinced that if I dream of the Olympics, it will be this, for every event. Last athlete standing wins by default.


"I climb the steps of the podium to accept my gold medal as Michael Phelps, Kerri Strug, and Thom Yorke all chant my name in unison and give me high-fives."

This killed me.


@CrescentMelissa Yes, especially as the idea of Thom Yorke chanting someone's name and giving anyone a high-five in real life is completely mind-blowing.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

Just when I thought I couldn't get any more fucked up on the Olympics...

This is great.


I recognize that this is not resposive to any important part of this wonderful article, but isn't the backstory in The Parent Trap that the twins were split up in the world's most bizarre divorce settlement? Was it also at birth? For some reason probably unsupported by the movie/remakes, I pictured this happening when the twins were young toddlers?


@BUtterfieldGR8 I don't think the original specified, except that they were too young to remember having had a sibling. So really quite young, but not necessarily at birth.


@wharrgarbl Thank you!

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@BUtterfieldGR8 Right but this has always bugged me too. Like, you just AGREED with your soon-to-be-ex to NEVER see one of your kids again, EVER, and to not even MENTION your daughter's name in front of YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER, and actually to LIE TO HER FOR THE REST OF HER/YOUR LIFE. What is this????


I'm so glad Thom was there.

Tragically Ludicrous

I am constantly imagining I'm in an Olympic road cycle race when I ride my bike quickly to get somewhere because I'm running late, although my bike is about the opposite of the sort of bikes they ride and also I'm constantly passed by nonchalant Dutch men.


Last week I had a dream that I was playing "team tennis" at the Olympics, basically two groups of like twenty people whacking tennis balls at each other, and Benedict Cumberbatch was on the opposite team and I was playing really badly because I kept getting distracted.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@Interrobanged And he just kept whispering, "London is ready," and even though you were across the court from him, every time he spoke all the rest of the noises of the stadium died out and all you heard was his voice, softly repeating that phrase in your ear, until it had an entirely different and much more exciting meaning.


@Interrobanged Team tennis! I might actually have a chance at that!


it is actually making me crazy how badly the canadian broadcast website is working. they're the only ones who can post the videos! (as far as I can tell). They need to get their shit together.

Cat named Virtute

@redheaded&crazie I thought it was just me! I've been trying to watch yesterday's women's qualifying rounds for gymnastics allllll morning and the stream won't work! I just want to watch grim-faced teenagers launch themselves off of giant blocks of wood!

Cat named Virtute

@Cat named Virtute ...wow that sounded way creepier than I intended. Ulp!


@Cat named Virtute i sent them a pretty bitchy email yesterday and got an extremely underwhelming response back about how it's difficult to stream that many HD videos and they're trying to get them up and running. very few videos actually work, only sometimes, and the mens' 400 medley cut out in the last 100 m THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE I'M SO ANNOYEDDDD

Cat named Virtute

@redheaded&crazie *sigh* Thank god I'll be at my parents' house by the time men's 3m diving airs, so I can watch Alexandre Despatie in high definition widescreen.

Cat named Virtute

@Xanthophyllippa Don't you dare suggest such things about my Olympic husband! He makes only the handsomest faces when he dives!

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@redheaded&crazie Does your provider/the network have a twitter helpline/handle you can tweet at? This is usually the fastest way to get exceptional customer service for something that sucks. Just tweet about the crap you're dealing with and (@) them.


but this was hilarious. these dreams are the perfect representation of what dreams are like.


Is it really? Off topic, but: I've always been perplexed by this portrayal of dreaming (such as in fiction), with the sudden setting shifts and things being sometimes food and random characters from the past--they remind me more of experimental poetry than any dream I've experienced.

(Sorryyyy, I've never dreamed like this so I want to take the opportunity to see if this is how people dream sometimes or WHAT.)


@Inkling I dream like that. Last night I dreamt that I was reading (or possibly writing) a story about a woman in labor who wasn't me but then was me and the scene shifted several times in ways that only make sense in a dream. Frequently in my dreams people change too - someone will be a compilation of different people, or will shift from being a friend to my boyfriend. Or I know in the dream that they are person X even though they don't actually look anything like person X.

(I've also been mad at people IRL for things they did in my dreams)


Whaat okay how can someone be a compilation of different people?

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@Inkling Everything @Blushingflwr just wrote is exactly what dreams are like for me. I mean, not all of them, but dreams are not logical progressions. Unless you are a robot. [Zoidberg voice]You could be a robot, perhaps?[/Zoidberg voice]
Maybe you just don't remember your dreams well enough to recall the random ones. Or maybe some people actually don't dream like this??? I don't understand you, @Inkling!
Anyways, there is no logic in dreamland, or if there is it is very convoluted, and it absolutely happens a lot that in my dreams I am maybe watching a scene play out from above (like I'm watching TV, essentially), and then I am actually in the scene but not participating, just standing around watching, and I am probably still me (or maybe I am No One), and then a few lines later I am now one of the main people but also still me-who-is-aware-of-being-myself-while-also-being-aware-of-being-Buffy-now-for-some-reason-and-I-already-know-all-the-backstory-so-I-won't-get-tricked-when-that-secretly-bad-guy-tries-to-kill-me.


@Veronica Mars is smarter than me
I am not a robot!!!--would a robot use three exclamation points, I think NOT. I still have dreams, but they're more like flash fiction or something.

For instance, last night I dreamt I had moved into a house (rocky ledge below a lighthouse) with my uncle, and there was a guy living next to the lightouse who killed stray pets for the city. I watched him kill a spaniel and he said he was going to kill my cat, and my uncle wouldn't move, so a lot of the dream was spying, scrambling through rocky underbrush, and exploring with my cat on my shoulders.

In other words, they are coherent if nonsensical plotlines, often with an established emotional experience to the situation. (Sometimes I have a job and feel qualified in the field, or I am married and love someone deeply, or I am dis-attached to a scene I would otherwise be empathetic about, etc.)

They're never like "a hershey bar was chasing me and was also my mother".
This is just so interesting.


@Inkling Oh, I have a lot of visitations from compilation people in dreams. I also have these wild, vivid dreams others are describing. The other day, I dreamed that I was Richard Nixon's personal aide in the 60s. I was basically myself, but a 60s version clad in a cute yellow dress (and somehow worked for Nixon instead of McGovern or Kennedy or what have you.)

Nixon was drunk and stole a car in some random town near a cheap motel and a Wal-Mart-like store. He crashed it down the street. It was dark and I figured we could get away and hide so his political career wasn't ruined. Apparently my whole job was covering his ass. I pulled him towards a house and figured we'd hide there. We went in, then decided to leave for some reason and find a better place. As we walked down the stairs, two girls my age came out of the shadows and were like, "Hey girl, how are you?" They didn't see Nixon. Apparently they were college friends of mine.

I told them I needed to hide someone and they couldn't see him, and we needed to stay overnight. I realized they probably thought I was having an affair with an older married man, and I was sad that I had to leave them in the dark and leave a bad impression of myself, but I knew it was my job to protect Richard. They agreed, giving each other glances the whole time, and I ushered Nixon into a bedroom and locked it from the outside. I hung out with the girls in their living room the whole night and ushered Richard quietly before the break of dawn.

A very coherent storyline, and not implausible that a politician's aide would have to do that, but quite outlandish and oddly specific.


See, that sounds way more like a dream to me. Some random ass story shit. With emotions and stuff. Yes.


I wasn't going to read this because I am DONE reading shit about the Olympics, but I'm glad I did. Once I got to the very specific "monster one-sided wedgie" I knew this post would be worth reading.


@punkahontas One of the French synchronized divers had the worst symmetrical wedgie the other night, which NBC caught in all its glory -- and then stayed on. Fortunately she turned around before adjusting it.


My Olympic Dream this year is that My Hometown Dude wins the steeplechase! (my dad says the Kenyans will probably win and I just say USA! FIND THE HEAD!)

/obscure Simpsons/Vague Olympics Reference

(I am SO INTO AMERICA around Olympics Time; any presidential candidate could totally cash in on that, if they want, just saying)


@Nutmeg Have you been seeing lots of political ads during the coverage? I have... and thankfully, most of it's for ones I like.


The comment about the wedgie, plus the picture, plus last night's airing of the womens gymnastics forces me to ask, HOW TO THEY KEEP THOSE LEOTARDS OUT OF THEIR CRACKS????? I've seen the ladies make minor adjustments along the leg holes, but with limbs all a-flail, that junk would be all up IN my junk. How. How.


@MsMisery I know! Share your secrets, girls.


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