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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

74

Drake-Centric Fantasies While Dying on the Elliptical

Drake: Hey Michelle.

Me: Oh hey. Drogo was it?

Drake: No. That’s a character on Game of Thrones. You know my name’s Drake. I don’t know why it has to be like that.

Me: [Ignores Drake]

Drake: Girl, when did you get so in shape? You were always tight, but this is like next level-

Me: Enough. My life is way different than it was when you knew me. I’ve taken up Southwestern jewelry making and ceramics. I really don’t have time for you anymore.

Drake: Okay. I’ll just say it. I can’t stop thinking about you! You brought so much into my life: Sex and the City reruns on TBS, perusing farmers markets for free samples, a working knowledge of John Candy’s early works … I want you. I need to be with you again. I wrote an entire album about you. I fictionalized all identifying details, though, to protect your privacy.

Me: Forget it, Drake! Too little, too late. Also, it didn’t sound like you were thinking about me when you got into that fight with Chris Brown at the club. You’re still not over her.

Drake: It’s not like that, Boo! It wasn’t even about her. As a son of a single mother, I just can’t allow for any women anywhere to be disrespected. And I was in a bad mood because I hate going to clubs. Remember when I told that you that I liked hanging out with older girls and that chill wine bars and game nights were more my speed? I meant every word.

Me: [Wavering] Really? Oh Drake.

Drake: I came here because I missed you and I also have a huge favor to ask.

Me: You want to do that green card marriage I proposed for American citizenship?

Drake: No … I know you don’t like me to say her name, but Rihanna and I are supposed to go on tour next week, but she got injured in a freak accident when Robyn was shaving “YOLO” on the side of her head.

Me: Why are you telling me this?

Drake: That’s why I came back. We need you to fill in for Rihanna on tour. You’re the only one who has her same kind of killer sexual energy that weakens men and makes women want to dance.

Me: That’s true. My mind is swimming. When would we leave? Could I have Chipotle burrito bowls in my rider? Can we sing “We Found Love” as a duet?

Drake: Of course to Chipotle and “We Found Love.” Here’s the catch, though. We leave tomorrow. And there’s not enough time to get new costumes, so you’ll have to fit into Rihanna’s.

Me: [Sweating, puts elliptical on Incline: 3, Speed: 2] That’s no problem at all.

Drake: Basically I need you to work out as hard as possible, but only for the remaining 12 minutes of your workout. Thirty minutes crushing it on the elliptical is all it would take to replace Rihanna on tour and be my personal muse/sex slave whom I also highly respect.

Me: [I change it to Incline: 3, Speed: 3] I got it Drake! I’ll fit in her tight Rihanna clothes by tomorrow no prob.

Drake: Okay, baby.

Me: [I change it back to Incline: 1, Speed:1] Seriously Drake. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been on here almost 20 minutes. I’m just cooling off. This is called interval training.

Epilogue:

I crush it for the rest of my workout. Drake and I go on tour, get married, and I retire to a life of wearing Tory Burch caftans 24/7 and letting myself go.



Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer and storyteller in New York. She co-hosts the comedic storytelling shows “Failing Our Twenties” and “Hookups & Hang-Ups,” and can be found online (usually talking about her love of Chipotle) @michmarkowitz and michellemarkowitz.com.



74 Comments / Post A Comment

Lily Rowan

Ahhhh!

Lily Rowan

(Although I do also like that Richard Lawson always calls him Aubrey Graham from Degrassi....)

EllyHigginbottom

@Lily Rowan Jiiiiiiimmmmmmmyyyyyy

allendaniel

i know its......@a

JessicaLovejoy

That head shaving thing sounds less like a joke and more like a legit vision from the future. Michelle, are you a witch?

RationalHatter

@JessicaLovejoy Maybe not a full witch, just a pocket witch?

Xanthophyllippa

@RationalHatter Better than an attic wife.

wee_ramekin

@Xanthophyllippa I would like someone to sew me a sampler that says:

"Better a Pocket Witch Than A Pocket Wife"

Any takers>

Xanthophyllippa

@wee_ramekin If I could embroider, I'd totally take that on. But I'm more a hand-illustrated t-shirt kind of girl, m'self.

...unless you'll take a drawn sampler rather than stitched?

wee_ramekin

@Xanthophyllippa I would take anything you lobbed my way, my darlin' Xanthophyllippie.

And wow, I was really out of it when I typed that comment above. It should have read: "Better A Pocket Witch Than An Attic Wife".

Xanthophyllippa

@wee_ramekin Cool. Let me mull that over a little bit and I'll see what I can do.

ThatWench

@wee_ramekin Oooohhh... Let me see if I can round up my cross stitch stuff enough for this. It'll be a lot more back/crosstitch and a lot less true embroidery, but that should look even more kitsch

melis

If anyone does this I demand one too!

redheaded&crazy

why would you pick we found love as the duet when take care is clearly THE BEST SONG EVER WRITTEN

HeyThatsMyBike

@redheaded&crazie I am about to go on a run and my iPod is currently MIA, so now I will just sing Take Care on repeat in my head for my whole run. Servicey!

shantasybaby

@redheaded&crazie I disagree! I think "What's My Name" is the superior Drake and Ri Ri duet! What IS the square root of 69, Drake?!

redheaded&crazy

@shantasybaby I also love what's my name, specifically the video! oh my god the video makes me believe in true manufactured celebrity love every time!

ThundaCunt

That is AMAY-ZING!! I never even have that much thought available while I'm working out. My inner monologue is usually just "o my god. o my god. o. my. god. 5 more steps, you can do it. 5 more, 5 more, just 5 more!! You are not going to die! I swear you won't DIE!! Just breathe fatty! BREATHE!! O GAAWWWDDD 5 more steps!!"

I feel like if I tell myself 5 more steps constantly I can just keep walking...who can't do just 5 more steps!? Amiright!?

ThundaCunt

and that's 5 minutes into the work out.

redheaded&crazy

@ThundaCunt i love a good upbeat motivational speech. mine is like "fuck my life fuck my life FUCK. my LIFE. i hate this i hate this i HAAAAAAATE this whyyyy god whyyyyyy"

i've never really gotten far in life as a runner.

Beericle

@redheaded&crazie
Funny. During a body sculpt class yesterday, I found myself asking me repeatedly why God hated me? Then like the 3rd time, I said to myself, 'You know you are here by your own choice, right?'

RK Fire

@redheaded&crazie: The first time I had done a 400m run in a long time (like a year) I was like "oh god why am I doing this again? This was a terrible idea!" and so on.

It was only 400m!

RK Fire

@Beericle: I feel that way about all aerobics classes.

SarahP

@redheaded&crazie This is my running pep talk as well! I too have never gotten far as a runner, literally or figuratively.

Bittersweet

@redheaded&crazie This is why much of my current workout mix is angry rap music. Nothing to get me through the last 5-6 min. on the treadmill like "Monster."

Danzig!

@ThundaCunt It helps to listen to really virtuosic performances and imagine yourself rocking them out onstage in front of everybody

rebecca@twitter

Drake instantly became 5000 times more attractive to me when he punched Chris Brown.

Reginal T. Squirge

Don't forget the fake Southern accent and lots of whiny "Uhhhhhhh"'s.

allofthecrafts

HIS EYEBROWS MAKE ME SWOON. I don't know why?! Please tell me y'all agree.

Reginal T. Squirge

SPEAKING OF EYEBROWS, LET ME TELL YOU HOW I FEEL...

Megasus

@allofthecrafts It's the sweaters that kind of do it for me.

EllyHigginbottom

Don't worry Michelle--it may look like they're in love, but only on camera...only on camera.

redheaded&crazy

@EllyHigginbottom I don't want to hear another blasphemous word out of you!

Judith Slutler

@EllyHigginbottom I'm just saying. You could do better.

EllyHigginbottom

@Emmanuelle Cunt HYFR.

ThundaCunt

that was good..Take Care now!

Slutface

I had this same conversation with Ira Glass at the gym last night.

iknowright

@Slutface IRRRAAAA. Whenever I hear his voice I giggle like a moron. My friend forced me to download all of these TBTL podcasts and while I'm not too fond of it, the interview with Ira Glass -- where Ira basically talks about how deep his love for his dog is and general human neruoticism -- made me forgive every bad joke Luke Burbank has ever made.

candybeans

@Slutface I am secretly rather fond of tbtl, but what you REALLY need in your life is the episode of the savage love cast that IG guested on, because he was really really good and adorable on it.

BoozinSusan

@candybeans Wait...TBTL? Whassat?

candybeans

@BoozinSusan It's a podcast--Too Beautiful To Live. It comes out every weekday, so they can't all be gems. I've grown fond of Luke and his sidekicks, though, and think he can be really funny. YMMV, clearly.

iknowright

@candybeans Was this for me? I hope this was for me because I just found that podcast, downloaded it, and am gonna listen to it on my walk to work tomorrow! I AM EXCITED. I really enjoyed the guest spot Dan Savage did on This American Life, it might have been for their live show (?) where he talks about coming out and his mom -- who had died -- and he gets all choked up and it was so sweet and sad. I think Ira Glass is really good at bringing out the best in people.

iknowright

Speaking of Robyn (because really, when should one not speak of her), making up my own music videos in my head to "Fembot" and "U Should Know Better" in which I'm the star and Robyn (and Snoop) are my BFFs/back-up dancers has gotten me through many, many painful workouts. And, let's be honest, life in general.

Titania

@iknowright I used to pretend-choreograph/direct my own music videos during my workouts too, until one day I got too into it and fell off the elliptical. Not the treadmill, the elliptical, with the separate legs going and the handles to awkwardly try to catch myself on but fail and get tangled up in all the moving parts and...yeah. Brutal.

iknowright

@Titania I'm sorry for laughing at this. (As a fellow klutz and Constant Stumbler, however, I think I'm earned it. If you ever see me falling in the crosswalk and shooting my ballet flat at the back of the person walking in front of me, feel free to laugh openly. This has happend more than once, FTR.)

atipofthehat

@Michelle Markowitz

Even Farm Film Report !?

Wow.

@MichMarkowitz

@atipofthehat awesome! Farm Film Report is always involved in early courtship.

Heat Signature

This is simply an observation, but Drake's eyes and ears are reminiscent of someone with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

JanieS

This makes me feel so much better about the Conversations with Benedict Cumberbatch I have whilst walking to work.

redheaded&crazy

@JanieS There's really absolutely nothing to feel bad about in that regard.

area@twitter

@JanieS I'm so glad to know I'm not the only person who does this. Pep Talks from Captain America is a recurring series for me.

Bittersweet

@JanieS Is it wrong that Benedict Cumberbatch is a top contender for Matthew in my imaginary cast list for the movie version of A Discovery of Witches?

Bittersweet

@Bittersweet Along with Matthew Goode and FASSBENDER, of course.

JanieS

@Bittersweet A vampire geneticist? I assume that's what BC does in his off hours anyways.

Statham

Sometimes at the gym, I pretend I'm an Avenger in training, and Tony Stark always threatens to pawn me off on the Xmen.

Tony: "You can go be in their crap movies. Is that what you want?"

Me: "NO! I want to be an Avenger."

Tony: "Then you have to work harder."

And I do, and I also go on a date or two with Captain America because I have needs too Tony. You have Pepper Potts, give me Steve Rogers.

area@twitter

@Statham I love everything about this.

sarah girl

@Statham Ahhh I love it. Also, every time I see your icon I imagine Mr. Statham is doing this really high-energy "WOOO!" and it cracks me up!

Megasus

@Statham OMG I think we should actually make this for people to use. Like, as an MP3 you can download.

area@twitter

@Statham addendum: I have made it through difficult procedures at the dentist's office by pretending that I am being augmented for futuristic adventures, a la Wolverine or the Bionic Woman.

Xanthophyllippa

@area@twitter Do you make the Bionic Woman "Nnnn-nn-nnnn-nnn" when you chew, then?

area@twitter

@Xanthophyllippa No, but I shall do so henceforth.

Elsajeni

@Statham I pretend I'm Luke Skywalker and I have to finish my Jedi training. (I also use this method when I have to do something scary, like go get my laundry from the spooky basement.)

Statham

@Elsajeni I find that pretending I'm a superhero in training makes it easier.

I have also pretended to be a robot like David from Prometheus so that when I was wimping out, I could think, "You're a robot. Robots don't feel fatigue!"

Everything is easier if you think it's serving the purpose of making you more badass and not just ensuring that you won't get too chub.

Statham

@Megano! Like a phone app or something. THIS IS YOUR SUPER HERO TRAINING SESSION. Holy crap, and as you run more or whatever, you get more pieces for your costume, or cooler powers. And then once you exercise a certain amount you get to fight a villain/boss.

Holy poop I think we're on to something here.

Danzig!

@Statham This is even better when I put the actual Jason Statham in these scenes

area@twitter

@Statham @Megano! "THIS IS YOUR SUPER HERO TRAINING SESSION" Shut up and take my money!!

elysian fields

My favorite way to push myself on the treadmill is to pretend I'm running from zombies. Try it, it works!

Xanthophyllippa

@elysian fields That would get me off the treadmill considerably faster and give me nightmares all at the same time.

sarah girl

Hmm, not enough Autotune.

redheaded&crazy

@Sarah H. it's true, there's NEVER enough autotune!

Diana

This is so spot on you don't even know. While running I regularly pretend that I am casually running into Drake at a bar, NBD, I'm really cool about it, let me show you some really cool places to visit in Oakland, and what's up? Literally half of my run is spent pretending to call up the maitre'd and convince him to shove together 6 tables at his very exclusive restaurant to seat Drake's posse. Even in my running celebrity fantasies I'm a glorified personal assistant.

workerbee

I love the We Found Love video! I want it all ! Spin me around and steal from the 7-11 with me!!!! It makes me feel young.....

alpelican

I just watch Netflix on my phone. Archer! Arrested Development! 30 Rock! Parks and Rec! Precise 20 minute intervals! It's awesome.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

He will never not be Lame Rapping Jimmy In The Wheelchair to me.

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