Drake: Hey Michelle.
Me: Oh hey. Drogo was it?
Drake: No. That’s a character on Game of Thrones. You know my name’s Drake. I don’t know why it has to be like that.
Me: [Ignores Drake]
Drake: Girl, when did you get so in shape? You were always tight, but this is like next level-
Me: Enough. My life is way different than it was when you knew me. I’ve taken up Southwestern jewelry making and ceramics. I really don’t have time for you anymore.
Drake: Okay. I’ll just say it. I can’t stop thinking about you! You brought so much into my life: Sex and the City reruns on TBS, perusing farmers markets for free samples, a working knowledge of John Candy’s early works … I want you. I need to be with you again. I wrote an entire album about you. I fictionalized all identifying details, though, to protect your privacy.
Me: Forget it, Drake! Too little, too late. Also, it didn’t sound like you were thinking about me when you got into that fight with Chris Brown at the club. You’re still not over her.
Drake: It’s not like that, Boo! It wasn’t even about her. As a son of a single mother, I just can’t allow for any women anywhere to be disrespected. And I was in a bad mood because I hate going to clubs. Remember when I told that you that I liked hanging out with older girls and that chill wine bars and game nights were more my speed? I meant every word.
Me: [Wavering] Really? Oh Drake.
Drake: I came here because I missed you and I also have a huge favor to ask.
Me: You want to do that green card marriage I proposed for American citizenship?
Drake: No … I know you don’t like me to say her name, but Rihanna and I are supposed to go on tour next week, but she got injured in a freak accident when Robyn was shaving “YOLO” on the side of her head.
Me: Why are you telling me this?
Drake: That’s why I came back. We need you to fill in for Rihanna on tour. You’re the only one who has her same kind of killer sexual energy that weakens men and makes women want to dance.
Me: That’s true. My mind is swimming. When would we leave? Could I have Chipotle burrito bowls in my rider? Can we sing “We Found Love” as a duet?
Drake: Of course to Chipotle and “We Found Love.” Here’s the catch, though. We leave tomorrow. And there’s not enough time to get new costumes, so you’ll have to fit into Rihanna’s.
Me: [Sweating, puts elliptical on Incline: 3, Speed: 2] That’s no problem at all.
Drake: Basically I need you to work out as hard as possible, but only for the remaining 12 minutes of your workout. Thirty minutes crushing it on the elliptical is all it would take to replace Rihanna on tour and be my personal muse/sex slave whom I also highly respect.
Me: [I change it to Incline: 3, Speed: 3] I got it Drake! I’ll fit in her tight Rihanna clothes by tomorrow no prob.
Drake: Okay, baby.
Me: [I change it back to Incline: 1, Speed:1] Seriously Drake. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been on here almost 20 minutes. I’m just cooling off. This is called interval training.
I crush it for the rest of my workout. Drake and I go on tour, get married, and I retire to a life of wearing Tory Burch caftans 24/7 and letting myself go.
Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer and storyteller in New York. She co-hosts the comedic storytelling shows “Failing Our Twenties” and “Hookups & Hang-Ups,” and can be found online (usually talking about her love of Chipotle) @michmarkowitz and michellemarkowitz.com.