Thursday, July 12, 2012


Competitive Cleansing?

Office [juice] cleanses are rarely corporate sponsored, subsidized or sanctioned. Several companies declined to allow employees to speak publicly about them because cleansing is a sensitive issue.

Jane? Nicole? ... Alex? Choire? ... John? ... Adam? ... Mike? Logan? ... BRIAN?

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I got a juicer off Craigslist, juiced for a week, had diarrhea for the entire week, put juicer back on Craigslist.

the angry little raincloud

@Slutface I share a bathroom with someone who has been juicing. It's not been pretty. I didn't feel so bad about barfing in the tub a few nights ago.


this sweet, awesome.@a

Heat Signature

Christ Almighty, Corporate America.


@Heat Signature Instilling a "shared values system" is one thing, but this is several bridges too far


Some of the guys I work with do this, and it is not fun for the rest of us. Apparently starving yourself and only drinking juice can make you a little cranky.

Judith Slutler

@CrescentMelissa Yup. I once lived in a 5 person apartment where 3 people decided to do this at once. They expected a lot of sympathy for their horrible moods from the other 2 of us. Not that much sympathy was forthcoming...

EDIT: I just remembered the conversations they would have about cleansing with enemas vs. cleansing without enemas. I didn't need to know that much about my flatmates' enema enthusiasm / unenthusiasm, thanks


@CrescentMelissa I can't imagine you're very productive either.


I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.


I just bought some bikinis online. Size 2.


@itmakesmewonder I love the one where she actually does the Master Cleanse and is all shaky and sick.


@itmakesmewonder This was actually a pretty popular weight loss method in the late 19th/early 20th century.


No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

People. We do not need to be "cleansed." If you are drinking juice to be healthy, as part of a healthy diet (that includes fiber, which juice does not), cool, have fun, juice is tasty. If you are drinking juice to "cleanse" yourself, in lieu of eating, you are being stupid.


@SarahP I know Hairpinners know this stuff, I just get so annoyed by these articles that I need to vent.


@SarahP When I feel a waxy buildup, I just add little Drano to the vino.


I don't completely disagree with you, but feel the need to point out that all the concern about fiber is a bit unfounded. Juice still provides soluble fiber, just not insoluble.


@NeverOddOrEven Really? I didn't know! I thought the point of juicers are to get out the juices but not the fiber. (Otherwise you could ust have a smoothie...)


@C_Webb I usually just reach for the toilet brush.

practical cat

@C_Webb I use baking soda and vinegar to be more environmentally friendly. The foaming elementary-school-science-fair mouth is just a bonus.

When I Blink

I'm fascinated by how many *men* were quoted in this article.

Either way - men or women - the question folks need to ask before they "cleanse" is this: Exactly what "toxins" are you going after? And is the colon their only way out? Really? Because, you know, before we jump to the conclusion that our "toxins" have to be removed in that particular manner, mightn't we consider some more pleasant alternatives?

Musings on Toxins: http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/06/13/toxins/


@When I Blink - I think for a lot of us (especially dudes like me and my friends, who are at the end of our 20s / start of our 30s range) we're getting to a point where we realize we can't act like we used to anymore, that it's not fun or healthy.

Happy hours end a little sooner, weekends become a lot more "going out to dinner with friends then grabbing some drinks" and a lot less "Meeting up at max fish at midnight and drinking at afterhours clubs till 6am". We start eating a little better and going to the gym more..

..and the cleanse thing, it's not like "oh no, my body is full of toxins," as much as it's "you know, instead of a BLT and a bag of chips at lunch today, I'm gonna drink some veggies".

Plus, they actually do make you feel kind of awesome? Like, I'm not gonna do a juice only cleanse, but I keep doing alternating weeks of 'general healthy eating' then like, "oatmeal/greenjuice/quinoa/veggies/fish only" weeks - and i have to say, as someone who has never been healthy and lurves him some decadence, it feels nice!

Lily Rowan

@When I Blink I know some men who love themselves a juice fast -- it's got the competitive aspect (even with yourself), not that much thinking, not "wussy" like a "diet," etc.


@leon.saintjean My housemate, who is my age, 28, just started taking diet pills (!).

I'll stick with the Whiskey Cleanse, thanks.


@When I Blink Aren't toxins, like, not real? I get so mad when people still talk about toxins like there is a power plant inside all of us that can be drained away by juice fasts and yoga.


@leon.saintjean Hear hear--I eat pretty healthy, but there's times I need a sort of "reset" button on my eating and it does that. I don't believe the toxins part tho, that's a bunch of bullhockey. Plus, I'm getting married in two weeks and I want to look less puffy/don't want to be bloated and it sort of takes care of that.

Man, getting older is the pits. Your metabolism skreeches to a halt and you suddenly have to think about bullshit things you never thought about before like "why are the back of my arms flabby when they've never been flabby before". It sucks.


@Lily Rowan yes!! men love that shit (no pun intended?) - I know/knew some guys who would make themselves the most bitter, nasty-tasting green juices, pound them, and then make like, bear noises at eachother. "Soooo healthy rarrrrrr."


@cosmia “I don’t understand,” your doctor mutters as she looks at your chart. “A woman your age — it just doesn’t make any sense.” You shift nervously on the papered table. “Your body doesn’t have a single toxin. They’ve all disappeared."


@melis This is still probably my favourite Hairpin post of all time.

Holden Cauliflower

@When I Blink
I'm fascinated by how many *men* were quoted in this article.

"Cleanse" is the less effeminate and therefore threatening version of "diet" lbr.


I hope whoever cleans the bathrooms gets a heck of a Christmas bonus.


@TheLetterL Yeah, you've really got to scrub to get all those Toxins up off the porcelain.

Fiddle dee dee


For real.


@TheLetterL Haha, this was my first thought. "Oh my god guys we all have to share a bathroom!"


I'll have to give this a try, people keep mysteriously dropping out of my office trepanning club for some reason.


@stuffisthings this is my favorite comment ever

maybe partying will help


Any comment referencing trepanning is the comment of the day automatically, right?

Edith Zimmerman

@itmakesmewonder Yes


@maybe partying will help

My tenth-grade demi-obsession must have earned me a lot of comment credit


@stuffisthings I swear to god, my boyfriend once mentioned trepanning in a serious I-might-want-to-try-that way. I do not know how I did not raise my voice when I asked "so, you've decided to start drilling holes in your head? Like, um, like John Lennon wanted to?"
This never happened. Although, I would probably have stayed with him anyway-I love a good story to tell at parties. Also, 'The best time my boyfriend got trepanned' seems like a hit.


@stuffisthings I read "trepanning" as "treeplanting". I mean, amiright?

Koko Goldstein

@hotdog "That would've worked if you hadn't stopped me."


@hotdog I'm totally up for trepanning if it will let more Dust into my skull and give me magic shaman powers. Otherwise I think I'll pass.

Lily Rowan

The picture at the top of that article made me think, "The Avengers would NEVER cleanse."

....just me?


@Lily Rowan Natasha would gut you like a fish if you suggested she needed anything other than vodka to cleanse herself of impurities. Steve would blanch with horror and flee to the nearest diner for a burger and shake. Bruce probably is vegan and drinks weird smoothie concoctions anyway.

Lily Rowan

@anachronistique <3 <3 <3 <3


@anachronistique yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssss. Tony says juice cleanses are reserved for when he's dying of heavy metal poisoning. Thor is enthused, but doesn't quite get the whole concept? Like he keeps putting strawberry Pop-Tarts and slices of bacon and entire Cinnabon buns into the blender, but he's so happy nobody has the heart to stop him.

Daisy Razor

@anachronistique Tony survives on juice smoothies, coffee, and whiskey anyway. No one has ever actually seen Clint eat. And Thor would misunderstand and just blend his entire normal dinner and drink it.


@Daisy Razor I love everyone in this thread.

(Coulson subsists entirely off coffee. Fury photosynthesizes. Maria Hill eats like a nutritionist's handbook.)

Daisy Razor

@anachronistique >>Fury photosynthesizes

Alternately: The eyepatch is really a tiny, extremely efficient solar panel.


@Daisy Razor @area@twitter I'm so glad you guys had the exact same thought at the exact same time.


@tibia Great minds, my friend. Plus the image of Thor cheerfully feeding a side of bacon into a blender is going to keep me smiling for days.
"Steve, don't-"
::cough:: "Thor, what did you put in this?"
"He threw a box of Twinkies in there too."

Lily Rowan

I love you people.


I keep waiting for people to realize that extreme health experiments (like cleanses) do not undo habitual behaviors of poor diet and lack of exercise. Let's leave cleanses to filthy rich people who are bored. (Gwyneth.)

maybe partying will help

Yeah, not sure I'd be too keen on my boss and department coworkers being real involved with the quality of my shits.




"'We all worked through lunch every day,' said Tess McCarthy, 32, who joined seven colleagues on the business side of Shape magazine in a three-day cleanse. 'We didn’t want to sit around thinking about food, so there was a lot of catching up on e-mails and organizing. I got tons of cleaning done.'

"Maryann Bell, 25, a Moda Operandi Web developer, said, 'You realize your social life revolves around food, so you stay late at the office.'"

Corporate conspiracy to squeeze more work out of employees?


@themegnapkin Fructose : 2010s :: Cocaine : 1980s. Discuss.


@themegnapkin This makes juice cleanses sound even more terrible than they already did: "Now I [assume that I] will live a longer and better life, by working 14-hour days and avoiding my friends and family!"


@themegnapkin My social life revolves around food, but so does my "stay home and watch reruns of The Simpsons and play video games" life.

sarah girl

@themegnapkin This is like, corporate-approved eating disorders territory right here. "I was RAVENOUSLY HUNGRY but it was okay because I just thought about other things! I'm so much more productive when I'm trying to distract my body from its primal need to ingest nutrients, haha!"


@themegnapkin "'We all worked through lunch every day,' said Tess McCarthy, 32. "Then half of us passed out and the other half started a giant fistfight because they were so hangry. We're hoping that the surgeons can reattach Jennifer's nose before her presenation to Corporate tomorrow afternoon."

If my social life didn't revolve around food, I'd never see my friends. We're too insanely busy to go to a movie or go for a long walk on the lake path, but we all gotta eat, so we cram a lot of convo into that one hour.


Y'all don't KNOW how much much I love a juice cleanse. I get a lot of people confused by it or who don't understand it but I really only do it 2-3x a year as I've got stomach problems. It really does make a world of difference and I feel awesome after it.
I recently increased the obsession by purchasing a juicer and juice 3-4x per week ALONG WITH my regular diet. I think a lot of people do cleanses for the wrong reasons (ie: to lose weight) and not just for a detoxing, clean eating approach.


How terrifying does the Excavation cleanse sound? They don't even explain it, so now I'm imagining it involves drinking only juice until you die, and then your remains are excavated millions of years later to make crude oil that the yuppies of the future will then drink for their cleanses.

maybe partying will help


For me it conjures up images of juice globules going spelunking in my innards and carving away Toxins with little jackhammers of VITAMIN POWER or whatever is in juice that's good for you. OR you know that waterpick thing dentists use? That except with juice instead of water.

Heat Signature

@cosmia It sounds like you're taking juice up the butt, to be honest.


@Heat Signature Like in that episode of Green Wing where that one doctor decides a coffee enema would be a good perk-up.


"Peter Alfano, a Citigroup vice president who took part in a three-day $210 BluePrintCleanse in April with colleagues."

How good a VP is he, if he's that easily duped out of money?


@nyikint Yeah, a REAL Citigroup VP would have been able to lose $210 MILLION.


@stuffisthings Sorry, correction: He must be a great VP, since he's that easily duped out of money.




Yeah. No. How much do you want to bet that many of the folks participating in these cleanses are secretly wolfing down big breakfasts before work and big dinners after work? It's not like their coworkers are checking their home fridges. How many "trips to the bathroom" are actually covert snack breaks? (Mmmm, bathroom snacks.)

Or am I the only one who out of sheer panic is immediately formulating ways to "cheat" if such an activity were ever proposed?


@WhiskeySour I had the same thought about cheating. But I was really imagining them going home and drinking alcohol. Also, the reference of the 'walk of shame' to the 'fridge for the people that dropped out. I think that would be the walk of "F-you you crazy MF-ers. I am going to get my eat on. Have fun on your 6th trip to the bathroom." nom nom nom


@Beericle Yeah, the "walk of shame" thing is what really did me in. I mean, do whatever you want with your juice cleanses; it doesn't really affect me in any way. But neither does my eating food affect them. Judging me for, I don't know, putting solid nutrition into my body? Like humans do? Fine. I'll just be over here judging you for your "walk of sanctimony."

I'm also suddenly struck by the idea that juice cleanses are kind of a secular penance for the excesses of modern life. There really is a lot language that is very reminiscent of religious teachings and spiritualism used in regards to cleanses. I'm going to have to think more about this.

Barry Grant

I love that WhiskeySour and Beericle are having this conversation.


I actually did a cleanse, the BluePrint one, & it was fine. No diarrhea, everything perfectly normal except I felt pretty high by the 2nd day. Although, I was supposed to wean off of it, & definitely didn't. It was straight from fast to feast, with copious amounts of wine.


Oh, & I only did 3 days. I had no illusions about "toxins" but I've felt pretty unhealthy & blobby lately, so it was kind of an experiment.


@fabel Did it cause any weight loss, though? This is what I've always wondered about these things. The weight "lost" is going to be all water/poo, no?


I read this in harpers a few months ago, and I'm pretttty convinced I need to fast (as opposed to cleanse):

Read Starving your way to Vigor and tell me you don't want to try it, even just a little? It's good! Especially the fainting parts.

maybe partying will help


One of my uncles fasted once and takes great pleasure in telling stories at family gatherings about the things he hallucinated while not eating for a week. TBH it kinda makes me want to try it too. o.O



Seriously, I don't understand this at all. If this happened at my office I would fucking quit on the spot. There's a really distressing level of groupthink happening here.


@alannaofdoom Periodically offices in my organization will have "weight loss challenges" and such and I am even annoyed by those. I mean, fine if you all want to go running together at lunch or whatever, but competing about pounds lost is gross in my mind.

fondue with cheddar

Isn't actual fasting (not eating or drinking anything but water) for a day supposed to be good for most people, though?


@jen325 I don't think so...

fondue with cheddar

@tibia I don't know; I was under the impression that it was good to do occasionally (it's been done for religions reasons for thousands of years), but I've never considered doing it so I really haven't done any research about it.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

One time my roommates and I decided to do the lemons/cayenne pepper/maple syrup cleanse and we lasted for about a day before everyone gave up. Mostly we were in it because we heard that it gave you hot poops - like, poops that were hot coming out, seriously - and we wanted to experience that. But it was awful. I mean, not only is the lemonade with cayenne fucking disgusting, but you have to start your day with two huge glasses of salt water for breakfast. I've never been so miserable in my life.


@sudden but inevitable betrayal I accidentally drank half a packet of taco seasoning once (it was dark in the kitchen, I was really sick and I thought it was a packet of Emergen-C) so I can relate to this comment too much.


I'd do a juice cleanse but I've got a stockpile of kinoki food pads so I think I'll be good for a while. Seriously, why should I starve myself when I can get all of the toxins out through my feet?


Ugh, note to self: check where you're heading before clicking on links so one of your ten free monthly NYT articles isn't about office-wide juice cleanses.


@Jenn@twitter Alternatively, when you try to look at a NYT article after your limit is up, just delete everything from the URL from the question mark onward. Then hit enter. Now you can read it!


@highfivesforall HIGH FIVE FOR YOU. I actually mostly don't run into this problem at all since I look from so many different computers/devices, and what's funny is that I'm used to trimming all info like this from URLs when sending them to people anyway, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to try it here (normally I just Google the article and find another way to read it, at least I did the one time I got this notice on the last day of the month).

young preeezy

Can we discussed why Jamie Biden feels the need to cleanse? Jamie Biden as in Joe Biden's nephew? As in the professional DJ?

Jane Marie

I forfeit.


@Jane Marie Me too. We losers should go grab a donut together.


Oh, speaking of cleanses, can we just talk about how many people are misinformed about how bodies work in general? I definitely had a co-worker tell me that red meat sticks to your colon for years. Ughhh.

fondue with cheddar

@meetapossum How is that even possible when it's full of all that swallowed bubble gum?!

practical cat

@meetapossum Bodies are bigger on the inside.

the angry little raincloud

There is actually a hilarious article about cleansing by Jeffrey Steingarten in Vogue (this month? last month? Who knows. I have piles of magazines. Maybe last year, for all I know...). And if you know anything about him, you can imagine how delightful a cranky and hungry Jeffrey must be. Anyway, he did the Master Cleanse, which is just water, lemon juice, and cayenne pepper. There were attempts of making a Master Cleanse granita. A sorbet, etc. etc. His wife started adding shots of vodka. If I'm going to have a liquid diet, it's going to be all booze and sorbet, frankly.

Also, corporate America: go fuck yourself.


@the angry little raincloud I feel like if you're going to be on a diet that only involves cayenne, lemon juice, and water, then a food critic and/or master chef is probably the person you want preparing your daily "meals."


I take great comfort in knowing that, even if my director were the sort of person who would suggest this (and she's not, blessedly), she would likely let the idea die on the vine after having shared a hotel room with me when I had food poisoning in China. "Don't go in there yet" was my mantra for a week.

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