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An Interview With Nutella
Us: Hi, Nutella! We love you!
Nutella: Spare me.
Us: Wait, what?
Nutella: You sicken me. This entire enterprise? Sickens me. This is such comment-bait. You do realize that you could be interviewing, I don’t know, Sheryl Sandberg? Linda Hirshman?
Nutella: But but but what? Here’s how this is gonna play out: “Oh, I love Nutella! I first discovered Nutella when I was in France the summer after college / Spain on a band trip / London for my cousin’s wedding! Look at me! I’m an international traveler, but I also love chocolate! Look how easy I am to relate to!”
Us: Oh, my God, you’re even more confrontational than the nutria.
Nutella: LET ME GUESS, did you once eat a whole baguette smothered in me? SO HAS EVERYONE. I bet Meryl Streep feels the same way I do. Constantly failing to live up the ludicrous expectations of your fans.
Us: Okay, well, let’s talk about…
Nutella: The class action lawsuit? Yeah, some stupid helicopter parent thought it was my job to tell her dumb kids that chocolate is a fucking “sometime food.” So a bunch of mouth-breathers got a fistful of coupons and a sense of accomplishment. It makes me sick.
Us: Nutella…when did you get so angry?
Nutella: What, you don’t watch the news? Thank God I’ve been shorting German bonds, is all I’m saying. Europe is going bust, pharmacists are going to claim it’s their constitutional right to poke holes in your condoms, this whole fracking thing is RIDICULOUS, and here you are, asking me if I’ve always been so hazelnut-y. How about you pull your head out of your ass and get engaged with the process?
Us: SO, you’re part of the Ferrero group, right? Do you know about the other kinds of Ferrero Rocher candies? Forest fruits?
Nutella (hurls self off stool): Just roll me towards the door. We’re done here.