Quantcast

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

221

An Interview With Nutella

Us: Hi, Nutella! We love you!

Nutella: Spare me.

Us: Wait, what?

Nutella: You sicken me. This entire enterprise? Sickens me. This is such comment-bait. You do realize that you could be interviewing, I don't know, Sheryl Sandberg? Linda Hirshman?

Us: But...

Nutella: But but but what? Here's how this is gonna play out: "Oh, I love Nutella! I first discovered Nutella when I was in France the summer after college / Spain on a band trip / London for my cousin's wedding! Look at me! I'm an international traveler, but I also love chocolate! Look how easy I am to relate to!"

Us: Oh, my God, you're even more confrontational than the nutria.

Nutella: LET ME GUESS, did you once eat a whole baguette smothered in me? SO HAS EVERYONE. I bet Meryl Streep feels the same way I do. Constantly failing to live up the ludicrous expectations of your fans.

Us: Okay, well, let's talk about...

Nutella: The class action lawsuit? Yeah, some stupid helicopter parent thought it was my job to tell her dumb kids that chocolate is a fucking "sometime food." So a bunch of mouth-breathers got a fistful of coupons and a sense of accomplishment. It makes me sick.

Us: Nutella...when did you get so angry?

Nutella: What, you don't watch the news? Thank God I've been shorting German bonds, is all I'm saying. Europe is going bust, pharmacists are going to claim it's their constitutional right to poke holes in your condoms, this whole fracking thing is RIDICULOUS, and here you are, asking me if I've always been so hazelnut-y. How about you pull your head out of your ass and get engaged with the process?

Us: SO, you're part of the Ferrero group, right? Do you know about the other kinds of Ferrero Rocher candies? Forest fruits?

Nutella (hurls self off stool): Just roll me towards the door. We're done here.



221 Comments / Post A Comment

wharrgarbl

"pharmacists are going to claim it's their constitutional right to poke holes in your condoms"

Nicooooooooole, stop giving them iiiiiiiiideeeeeeeeeas.

mystique

@wharrgarbl Ahh I freaked out when I saw that too!

Heat Signature

@wharrgarbl Who buys condoms from a pharmacist, though? Besides teens who time-travel back to the fifties, I mean.

maebyfunke

I'd really like to figure out a way to work, "Let me guess, did you once eat a whole baguette smothered in me? SO HAS EVERYONE," into a conversation today, because that line is amazing.

New Commenter Name

You may act like an asshole, Nutella, but I still love you.

Everyone, YOU NEED TO SEE THIS !

wharrgarbl

@Curiouser and curiouser Holy shit.

olivebee

@Curiouser and curiouser I am going to keep on loving and eating Nutella by the spoonful, but now every time I do it, I am going to hear this asshole's voice in my head shouting at me about how lame and ignorant I am. Should be fun!

freelee

@olivebee Is that not already your eating-out-of-a-jar monologue? It's..oh, no? Oh. Ok, yea. Me either.

oh! valencia

@Curiouser and curiouser Yeeeaaaah! These are getting made, at my house, tonight.

JadedStone

@Curiouser and curiouser I JUST BOUGHT A MACHINE LIKE THIS for my kid bro.

Now excuse me. I'm off to make these.

billie_crusoe

@olivebee Me toooo. It's like learning that your favorite author/musician/actor is an asshole.

(Yes, I do realize this is make-believe.)

PistolPackinMama

@Curiouser and curiouser Nutella is just pissed because of that cookie spread stuff that's making the rounds now. Nutella, there's a new European spread thing in town! Watch your hazelnutty back!

maybe partying will help

Nutella knows me so well. Call me, Nutella!

aliceandstuff

@maybe partying will help Call me maybe?

maybe partying will help

@aliceandstuff

I still haven't heard that song and I wanna keep it that way.

ImASadGiraffe

@aliceandstuff Hey I just ate you/And this is crazy/You're kind of an a-hole/But call me...maybe?

CrescentMelissa

@ImASadGiraffe You win today.

maybe partying will help

@ImASadGiraffe

Yes, this wins the Internet for the day!

iknowright

@maybe partying will help You'd change your mind if you heard the Jimmy Fallon/The Roots versiiiooonn!

Koko Goldstein

@maybe partying will help I just broke down two days ago and listened to it. I should have avoided it.

slutberry

@aliceandstuff I have had that song stuck in my head for a WEEK STRAIGHT. Also the awful corny music from the VBS I'm helping out with.

Xanthophyllippa

@iknowright I LOVE THAT VERSION! It's like human Muppets.

tootsky

@maybe partying will help: If you have to, at least watch the Harvard baseball guys lipsync it. It takes the edge off.

Audley

@sniffadee I had to help out with a VBS program last week and the terrible music is still haunting me!

slutberry

@Audley Was it the Go Fish! "Urban" curriculum? Because that damn "I'll do my best!!" song is reverberating perkily in my ears DAY IN DAY OUT.

Audley

@sniffadee No, it was "Sonrise National Park." I need to remind myself that I have in past years managed to forget the VBS songs and that I'll certainly be able to do it again.

Verity

@maybe partying will help Me neither! Glad to hear I'm not the only one.

The Lady of Shalott

But wait, what if I discovered Nutella in my suburban major chain grocery store next to the peanut butter? Can I still like you then, Nutella?????

julia

@The Lady of Shalott It's next to the peanut butter because you should take a spoon, scoop some pb and then scoop some nuttella and then eat it.

Marquise de Morville

@The Lady of Shalott It's next to the peanut butter, because it is the EU equivalent of peanut butter. Hazelnuts are the cheap nut, hence the overuse of hazelnuts by Ferrero. I am (now) allergic to nuts, but grew up eating copious amounts of Nutella (on dark rye bread, buns, out of the jar...). Ferrero is the Hershey's of Europe, wish their stuff was less overpriced in the US - and that I could eat hazelnuts.

Peanut butter was and is pretty disgusting to me thanks to the very creepy, Canadian movie 'Peanut Butter Solution' which was my first encounter with said substance. Anyone else seen it?

cosmia

@Marquise de Morville IS THIS THE ONE THAT CAME UP IN THE HORROR MOVIE POST ON THE 'PIN ABOUT THE WEIRD HAIR-GROWING HORMONE

Marquise de Morville

@cosmia I remember having to see it in first (?) grade and it being a lot creepier than anyone thought. Also, it was very confusing since I did not get any of the North American references. To this day: peanut butter = gross stuff smeared on some poor kid's head. I need to look at the discussion you mentioned.

datalass

@The Lady of Shalott Or at the T.J. Maxx on the same day that you also bought a moldy leather portfolio because you were poor and it was from the Ralph Lauren Polo collection and you thought it would make the students at the community college where you were teaching adjunct take you more seriously?

OaklandBooty

@julia or you can be super gross as I am, and eat pb, nutella, and marshmallow fluff all together on a sandwich of dreams.

Minx

@Marquise de Morville Yes! I owned that movie as a child! I'm not sure why we owned it because it's entirely bizarre and has basically no redeeming qualities. But yes. I have seen it several times.

If it makes you feel any better, real peanut butter is nothing like the "peanut butter" in that movie. Who even came up with that movie???

Also, this all makes sense now. I was always a tad confused by the fact that Nutella was rampant in Europe but peanut butter was very difficult to find. Hazelnuts being the cheap nut in Europe makes everything so clear.

nelbel22

@The Lady of Shalott THAT WAS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE MOVIE AS A CHILD. I'm still creeper today because of it (well, that and Return to Oz). PS Did you know Celine Dion sings the two songs on the soundtrack? This was heavily emphasized on the VHS copy I obtained years after my childhood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gN4UDZOmts

laurel

Is Nutella still made with palm oil? 'Cause palm oil farming makes life hard for orangutans. Which sucks, 'cause I like both Nutella and oranguatans.

julia

@laurel If so, we should go Girl Scouts on this.

cosmia

@laurel That's very sad, but I'm also kind of scared of orangutans? Not scared enough to make life hard for them, though.

laurel

@julia Those girls are awesome! Oh, Scouting, when will you catch up to the amazing kids you represent?

@cosmia I think it's a good idea to give alll the apes a wide berth IRL (although it may just be the humans and chimps who are the super agressive ones). But it'd be great if my delicious snacks didn't get in the way of orangutans having forests in which to live their orangutany lives.

parallel-lines

@julia When they took the palm oil out of girl scout cookies they sort of started sucking. They don't taste good anymore--just weird and chemical-y.

EDIT: Sorry, I was thinking trans-fat. New trans-fat free girl scout cookies are disgusting.

olivebee

@cosmia I am known around my office as the bleeding heart animal lover (because it's true). I'm veg, don't wear leather, use cruelty-free products, etc. etc. But I hate orangutans and their ilk. Really anything in the monkey/ape family. They terrify me. I feel like they are too smart and that makes them inherently evil or something. I know this is completely irrational, but everyone has that one animal that does that to them. So my coworkers always get on my case about how unfair my hatred is towards them if I love all other animals. And I always reply with, "Just because I don't ever want to meet one in real life, doesn't mean I don't respect their rights as a living creature." Anyways, what I'm saying is: I feel ya. I don't want anything to keep them from keeping on, as long as they are keeping on far away from me.

wharrgarbl

@olivebee They're close enough to human that you're allowed to give them the side-eye. "I love animals." "Oh, but what about monkeys?" "Are basically humans without the common decency to occasionally feel guilty about the shit they pull. Fuck 'em."

olivebee

@wharrgarbl EXACTLY. Like, a monkey would kill me in my sleep and then scamper off cackling with its "oooh ooh eee ahhh ahh"s and then go high five its buddies. I mean, I guess your explanation is less crazy-person than mine, but....same page.

Jenny Z@twitter

@laurel According to the website their palm oil isn't taken from areas that harm orangutans.

Feel free to eat it by the jar-ful!

http://www.nutellausa.com/faqs.htm

the roughest toughest frail

@olivebee I'm absolutely terrified of chimpanzees. I once watched a video of a pack of chimps hunting a red colobus monkey in a primatology class, and I haven't been able to look at them the same way. Orang-utans are just freaky looking, if much more docile than chimps.

Sea Ermine

@laurel I feel like palm oil is in EVERYTHING nowadays. I think it's supposed to be cheap (?) and so a lot of things that would have had, say, canola oil or any kind of oil are replacing it with palm oil. It's frustrating because I am so very very very allergic to it (weirdest allergy ever, I feel like no one else I know has it) and it's in so many packaged foods. Plus, there's it's whole connection to deforestation as well as the orangutans.

datalass

@laurel There's a solution!

cosmia

@olivebee God I feel kinda the same way about them! Also that they're like, too close to us, and just hairy and weird, and they remind me that one day long ago WE were hairy and weird (humans are still hairy and weird, but still).

PistolPackinMama

@laurel Oddly, the first time I had Nutella was on a Girl Scout youth hosteling trip ca. 1986 at Camp Lachenwald. (US DODDS Scouting holla?!) Spread all over delicious crusty bread, for breakfast.

I feel that this is a sign that, yes, in fact the palm oil removal plan Girl Scout style is totally doable. It's FATE.

Also, has anyone tried the Not-ella recipe from The Veganomicon? Because then you get to choose your oil. You also have to make your own Nutella, but wevs. Craft project!

bitzyboozer

@wharrgarbl In case you needed more ammunition: http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/Human-error-blamed-in-chimp-attack-of-UTSA-student-3682990.php

I know, I know, human error, but that is still horrifying.

Xanthophyllippa

@wharrgarbl THIS. Also, their tiny little old-man faces freak me out. If you're going to have a face like that, you should be cuddling adorbs grandchildren, not swinging from a vine by your tail or chewing on your big toe.

swirrlygrrl

@abetterfate SO GLAD TO KNOW OTHER PEOPLE FEAR MONKEYS AS WELL!!!

I always think of two stories: quite simply, they killed the deputy mayor of Delhi a few years ago (see story: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7055625.stm, including horrifying part about the city getting bigger monkeys to fight off the smaller monkeys - horrifying!!!)

And a friend was in Japan once, on a student program, and paid hundreds of dollars she barely had to go to a monkey sanctuary, and then when she got there, they warned her not to look the monkeys in the eyes as they would take that as a sign of aggression and possibly attack. So she paid hundreds of dollars and travelled several hours to take only sideways glances at the monkeys who she was then nervous were out to get her.

Get back in the mist, gorillas!

Xanthophyllippa

@swirrlygrrl When I was in China, I got jumped on by a monkey while visiting Monkey Island at Qiandaohu. There are little huts where you can buy peanuts to throw to the monkeys, so I bought my pack and was trying to get it open when suddenly, BLAMMO - this THING slammed into my chest and the next I knew, my peanuts were gone. The thing literally leapt at me, landed on my chest, grabbed the bag, and leapt off again in a split second. I even had little dust footprints on my boobs.

Then, a few weeks later, we were hiking a mountain trail and saw a sign that more or less boiled down to, "OMG MONKEYS BEWARE! DO NOT FEED UNDER FEAR OF DEATH!" I was expecting the same sort of smallish critters until I saw a rustle in the underbrush and looked over to see a giant knuckle-walker rummaging around. I got the hell out of there, but it turned out later that some of the students stopped to watch them, and this huge monkey ran at one of the students and pulled his shorts off in an effort to get the banana the kid had in the side pocket of his bag.

Yeah. Those fuckers are SCARY. They totally were laughing with their frat brothers after all that.

noodge

This doesn't surprise me. Nutella was part of the sugar binge I participated in for most of my young adult life that may or may not have contributed to my insulin problems.

DIE NUTELLA! What gave you the right to be so delicious slathered on 'nilla wafers, huh? HUH?

WhiskeySour

I kind of feel bad for Nutella. I think Nutella's really hurting inside. I feel driven to try to fix Nutella. Come sit over here by me, Nutella. I'll listen to you and then eat you

SuperGogo

@WhiskeySour Dude, Nutella is totally negging you and you're falling for it!

WhiskeySour

@SuperGogo Ahahaha! But it is I who has the upper hand! For I have...A Spoon!

Emby

Anyone else want to come ride the "Eh, Nutella... pretty meh" train with me? No? Everyone else loves it? OK then.

chugga chugga choooooo choooooonutellaisoverratedchoooo

raised amongst catalogs

@Emby I also do not love Nutella.

Steph

@Emby I'll get on the train! I could really take it or leave it. Give me regular dark chocolate any day.

beeline96

@Emby Save me a seat on this train. In theory I like Nutella, but my stomach decided it doesn't like hazelnuts (or peanuts, and probably cashews) anymore. So I don't eat it anymore (but you better believe I had it often when I lived in France during college).

dj pomegranate

@Emby I've already purchased a ticket on this train and it so happens that my assigned seat is right next to @Steph. We will be eating all the dark chocolate.

parallel-lines

@Emby It's kinda cloyingly sweet and boring--one bite is plenty and then I want other notes/flavors.

fondue with cheddar

@beeline96 I've never tried Nutella, but I'm sort of afraid to because my stomach has decided it doesn't like peanuts too, and I would be really sad if I turn out to LOOOOVE Nutella but am unable to eat it.

Wondajules

@Emby punch my ticket, please sir. It's too sweet. And also too chocolatey? I don't know, if I'm going to have hazelnut spread, I want it to taste like hazelnuts, not like a melted candy bar.

beeline96

@jen325 We can stare longingly at peanut butter sandwiches together while eating mostly-sugar-anyway peanut butter cookies and peanut butter cups, I hope! (I can still eat those, or rather, I will continue to eat those in spite of any problems that might develop.)

kickupdust

@Emby I think I tried the stuff once and my memory of it is... chalky. It's actually giving me a full-body shudder to think about. Another one for the "I'll just eat chocolate if I want chocolate" side.

fondue with cheddar

@beeline96 I'm okay with other peanut products! Which is great because peanut butter cookies are wonderful. And like you, I would still eat them even if they gave me the poops.

@kickupdust Chalky? Yeah...if it's at all chalky there's no way I can eat it. I can't even drink instant hot chocolate because of the powdery texture.

Punk-assBookJockey

@Emby Yeah, I think it's just too sweet. I like it with some things (crepes with bananas) but it's too sweet to just eat.

KatnotCat

@Emby I *like* Nutella, but I don't get that excited about it. I *loved* the little "world traveler" dig in this piece.

Ophelia

@Emby I'm on your train. I just don't like hazelnuts that much at all, and while I do like chocolate, I'm very rarely of the "CHOCOLATE GIVE IT TO ME" ilk.

Sea Ermine

@Emby I don't really think it tastes that great. As a kid all my friends liked it and I ate it for a little bit in elementary school but never even thought it was that great enough to buy a jar (I'd just have it at friends houses during sleepovers or whatever). It's was kind of good on crepes but now I wont even eat that.

datalass

@Emby I like Nutella, but what I love (courtesy of a Jose Andres cookbook) is a sort of homemade version where you put dark chocolate, extra-virgin olive oil, and sea salt on rustic bread.

fondue with cheddar

@datalass THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC. I love all those things individually, but together? I am so trying this!

young preeezy

@Emby Yes - I was going to see if anyone else on here also thinks that Nutella tastes "different" than it used to. Don't they have a factory in the US now? (Kind of how like the Cadbury's in the US tastes terrible and the Cadbury's in the UK tastes awesome). Anyway, I'm not a fan anymore... it's too sweet for me... don't hurt me, Nutella!

datalass

@jen325 Oh, it's lovely! You really don't need a recipe, but if you google "rustic bread with chocolate andres" you can get a sense of the ratios Andres uses.

fondue with cheddar

@datalass I will!!

Minx

@Emby I'll join. I don't DISLIKE Nutella (I find it's pretty tasty with peanut butter crackers, because then you also get the peanut butter and some slight saltiness in there). But it's mostly too sweet. I don't like it with fruit or bread because of the overbearing sweetness. After a few bites, I'm pretty much done with it.

Emby

I'm glad to see so many other Nutella-unfriendly faces! And yes, to all of you who said it's too sweet. It's just much too sweet.

EvilAuntiePeril

@Emby I would also like to join you on this train (maybe there's enough of us now to get an upgrade?). Could I suggest the now-sadly-discontinued-Cadbury's-dark-chocolate-spread-which-was-more-like-syrup on white bread with butter as an alternative snack?

Anyhow, Nutella never floated my boat. To sweet, too cloying, not enough chocolate. This article made me like it a tiny bit more. But not enough to eat it or anything.

bitzyboozer

@Emby I love everyone in this thread, this is the way I feel exactly!

Stavromula Beta

@Wondajules "Melted candy bar"
That is exactly it.

and it's not even my birthday

Nicole gets the last laugh as the Nutella "rolls" toward the door, all thunking and wobbling with its weird, rounded-off triangle design.

give cheese some pants

@and it's not even my birthday I was picturing that too, Nutella just floppily winding its way toward the door. Oh, the humiliation.

and it's not even my birthday

@give cheese some pants
Yes, intermittently throughout the day I've enjoyed imagining how much more pissed off and indignant Nutella (apparently) would get as it tries with such difficulty to walk out on this interview. Nothing makes you bitter like your own built-in limitations.

elysian fields

The best way to eat Nutella is (fill in the blank)______.
Discuss.
(my answer: inside a crepe because it gets all melty)

olivebee

@elysian fields I haven't tried this yet, but since I just discovered Trader Joe's Cookie Butter recently, I am assuming a spoonful of that with a spoonful of Nutella will be heaven in my mouth.

rallisaurus

@elysian fields I like when the nutella pools at the bottom of the crepe, because the last bite is always amazing.

WhiskeySour

@elysian fields on a spoon. Just a nice spoon full of Nutella. Not in one big bite, of course.

maybe partying will help

@elysian fields

With a spoon while watching dance movies.

I rarely buy it anymore because my gent eats all of it before I get a chance. DAMN HIM.

Escapade Dunfree

@elysian fields IHOP, of all places, currently has a deal on crepes with Nutella and bananas inside. Although, I guess it is the international house of pancakes, so I shouldn't be all shocked.

beeline96

@olivebee Wait... WHAT??? WHAT IS THIS COOKIE BUTTER YOU SPEAK OF??? *Switches Trader Joe's shopping trip plans from Friday to tonight*

punkahontas

@elysian fields Once, I made crepes from scratch at 10pm (like a crazy person) for this exact purpose.

What set me off was earlier that morning at brunch, my friend's kid got a Nutella crepe and I got A SALAD.

olivebee

@beeline96 It's this dessert...food...in a jar that's basically the consistency of peanut butter, but made of crushed up cookies. DELICIOUS.

Heat Signature

@Escapade Dunfree IHOP's Nutella and banana crepes are the BEST hangover food (not a sponsored comment).

I AM DIAPHENA

@beeline96 Imagine if Nutella were not made of chocolate and hazelnuts but were made out of gingerbread cookies. Except it's not so much even gingerbread cookies as it is the joyful tears of a loving, warm angel cradling you in her downy wings.

olivebee

@I AM DIAPHENA You said it better.

fabel

@elysian fields yeah, spoon. Definitely spoon.

KatieBarTheDoor

@elysian fields Mixed into my morning oatmeal along with a spoonful of peanut butter. (Try it, y'all.)

New Commenter Name

@punkahontas
I must learn how to make crepes immediately. How hard can it be??

This is my new username

@I AM DIAPHENA okay some quick googling leads me to believe that it is basically the same as this: http://speculoosspread.com/ In which case, your description is correct. It is THE BEST on crepes. So if you live somewhere without a Trader Joes, but you do have a Dutch Import store you can also have some too! Oh man, I really want some speculoos spread now!

This is my new username

@Curiouser and curiouser It's actually not that hard! Google a recipe, and try and use a decent-ish non-stick pan! I find it easier to make crepes than normal pancakes for some reason? I think because they cook faster? Or something?

likethestore

@elysian fields On a sesame Montreal bagel. That's the way I was introduced to Nutella as a kid and it's still my favourite.

catsoncatsoncats

@elysian fields Scooping it up with animal crackers, lots of animal crackers!

itiresias

@olivebee Trader Joe's also has 'Cocoa Almond Spread,' which I assume is like Nutella with almonds instead of hazelnuts, and I like because I'm allergic to hazelnuts and have been internally bitter about the world LOVING Nutella since the beginning of time.

I AM DIAPHENA

@This is my new username Yes! It is Speculoos, it says it on the top of the jar above "cookie butter." http://www.cooktj.com/files/node_images/5380/SpeculoosCookieButter.jpg

I am lucky to live near a Trader Joe's, but knowing you could find it at a Dutch import store is useful!

Inkling

@elysian fields
On a leek. Nutella on a leek is brother to peanut butter on celery.
I was at an anime convention and, due to inflated prices, props became snacks.

TheLetterL

@elysian fields Frozen Nutella Hot Chocolate

New Commenter Name

@This is my new username
I find that making pancakes is pretty easy, so if making crepes is even easier....? This is the best news I've had all day!

Baby Fish Mouth

@elysian fields I used to answer crepes but then I spread some on sourdough toast. It still gets melty and it is now my favorite.

Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook

@olivebee Nutella can be all the dick it wants because my discovery of Cookie Butter has rendered it essentially dead to me.

Xanthophyllippa

@Inkcrafter Now I want to know what you were using the leek as a prop for in the first place.

LauraRebecca

@I AM DIAPHENA This sounds a lot like Biscoff Spread which I can now get at Wegmans any time I want it (not sure if that's a good thing).
What I don't understand is this: if there are people in the world making spread out of cookies, why haven't the Oreo people jumped on the bandwagon? It seems like an Oreo cookie spread would go over big here in the US.

punkahontas

@Curiouser and curiouser YES! It's super easy, you should make some tonight. You barely even need any ingredients. I think it's like flour, water, and an egg. Make sure you have the Nutella though! Or Speculoos spread. Or both.

the roughest toughest frail

@LauraRebecca I just made a very un-ladylike noise thinking about Oreo cookie spread.

WhiskeySour

@abetterfate DIY! Cookie Spread Mmmmm, Oreo spread...

isitisabel

@elysian fields In a pecan pie. Unless you make the pie for pi day and it's the beginning of spring break so campus is practically empty, so you invite over your two friends who are the only people you know still at school to help you eat the pie, but they only have one tiny piece each, so then you have an ENTIRE nutella-pecan pie to eat on your own. Sounds like heaven, but in reality it is decidedly not.

Actually, the best way to eat nutella is on pretzels, but I just needed to share that story. (SO. MUCH. PIE.)

Xanthophyllippa

@isitisabel Next time invite me and I'll eat the entire pie so you don't have to.

Xanthophyllippa

@LauraRebecca WEGMANS.

/obligatory Wegmans love

the roughest toughest frail

@WhiskeySour omg. I'll be making that this weekend.

isitisabel

@Xanthophyllippa I will. Don't get me wrong, it was super delicious, just a bit rich to eat so much of it in about a week. It was weird, I loved it for about two days, then hated it but forced myself to eat it for the next couple days, and then I loved it again for the last day or so. It was a strange week.

Inkling

@Xanthophyllippa
It was this guy's; he was dressed as a character who was an adventurer and carried a leek. Not interesting at all, but, Nutella on leeks is the best Nutella. The leek's crisp, tangy juiciness really cuts Nutella's gluey one-note properties.

CharethCutestory

@elysian fields
I had a crepe in Paris once that was Nutella, Grand Marnier and banana. OH MY GOD! Just thinking about it makes me jealous of past me! And all the booze trickled to the bottom for a great boozy finish and some dude was doing a marionette Edith Piaf thing in the street while I was eating it. Paris is magic. I think that crepe would be kickass anywhere, though.

olivebee

Did I miss a notification somewhere recently where the hairpin is going to be interviewing random objects that begin with "nut?" What's next? Nutcrackers? Nutmeg? Nutrition Facts?

wharrgarbl

@olivebee "An Interview with A Nutcracker" devolves into an angry, one-sided diatribe about juvenile humor and how it's ruined A Nutcracker's life in 2 seconds flat, setting a new world record for interview derailment.

SuperGogo

@wharrgarbl Not quite sure why Edith is giving Nicole such a tough interview beat these days. Nicole! Tell Edith that we want you to interview your baby, in which there are no words but simply a series of pics with amazing, expressive baby eyebrows!

give cheese some pants

I would laugh at this, but my mouth is too full of the last of the Nutella cookies my bf made last night.

stonefruit

@give cheese some pants Nutella cookies, SAY MORE.

give cheese some pants

@stonefruit I don't know much about them because my bf is the chef/baker, but I do know they are tres simple because the first time he made them he only did so because he lacked some necessary ingredient for the coconut chocolate chip cookies he was planning on making. Since then the settings on my cookie-slot(/mouth) have been changed to "Nutella cookie deposits only."

ETA: Ah, the bf comes through with a link! http://kirbiecravings.com/2012/02/nutella-cookies.html

cosmia

I first discovered Nutella when I was...a preschooler? I'm Italian, it was the only sandwich my mother could get me to eat until I was like 11.

redheaded&crazy

@cosmia and from then on it was nutella and meatballs every day.

/italian stereotypes??? (/italian true facts???)

cosmia

@redheaded&crazie THOSE TWO THINGS INTERTWINE A LOT

(for real though I hated meatball sandwiches as a kid because for some reason my mom thought it was acceptable to put whole meatballs between two slices of white bread, WHAT?)

jule_b_sorry

No joke about the "sometimes" foods - people can be REALLY stupid about nutrition, and those ads where the skinny, gorgeous mom shoves nutella toast into her smiling, healthy children as "part of a complete" breakfast are totally convincing.

Before Nutella had a big US presence, my thinness-obsessed friend was scooping it out of a jar and eating large amounts of it (plain) for lunch. I told her, "I'm surprised to see you eating that..." and she replied (without a hint of irony), "No ,it's healthy for you...it's EUROPEAN."

MissHalfway

@jule_b_sorry I mean, so are pasta, pizza, croissants, baguettes... y'know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and start applying your friend's logic as a general life rule. If it's European, it's healthy. I can work with this.

Judith Slutler

@jule_b_sorry Other healthy European things to do: walk down a cobblestone street in stilettos, chain-smoke, take ecstacy and listen to techno, ride a bike in traffic without a helmet

Punk-assBookJockey

@jule_b_sorry Yeah, that mom is all "It gets them to eat all kinds of healthy things, like whole grain toast" and?... *crickets*. What other healthy things can you put nutella on? Broccoli? Brussels Sprouts? Oh that's right, crepes are European so they're also healthy.

KatnotCat

@Punk-assBookJockey Hate those stupid picky children in the commercial. You fuckers won't eat toast? TOAST?

KatnotCat

@MissHalfway Time to drink a few steins!

Ophelia

@MissHalfway I lived in London for a bit, and my co-workers and I decided that anything that was organic had no calories, so that we could eat lots and lots of shortbread-esque things from Prince Charles' bakery.

marianlibrarian

@Emmanuelle Cunt I am on board with all of those things.

MissMushkila

@KatnotCat I hated all bread products until approximately age 20, or thought I did, but it turned out I just hated white processed bread and in my young ignorance extrapolated that to all bread-items. But seriously, I even refused to eat bagels until college.

I love nutella, but I don't think even nutella would get me to eat white sliced bread even today. The texture or lack thereof! I shudder even thinking of white bread.

packedsuitcase

@MissHalfway Oh, thank God! This makes my whole summer of binge drinking and over eating TOTALLY HEALTHY because it's taking place in Europe, y'all. This is the best news I've had all day.

Except, could somebody tell that to my pants? They seem to be getting tighter by the day, and now that I know my whole lifestyle this summer is healthy, somebody should tell them to get with the program.

SarahP

Nutella, why do you contain diary? Whyyyyyyyyy

fondue with cheddar

@SarahP Maybe because it likes to look back on its life and see how far it's come?

PatatasBravas

@SarahP

Nutella is full of secrets!

MissHalfway

@SarahP smitten kitchen's chocolate-peanut spread however, does not! it's also much more effort than I'm ever going to exert for chocolate, but I don't know your life. maybe you are a better person than I, and own a food processor.

SarahP

@Jen325 HA! In my anguish I did not notice my typo.

@MissHalfway In that vein, my mother once gave me a non-dairy, all-natural brand (was it Justin's? it was maybe Justin's). It was not as smooth as Nutella, but it was about as tasty.

Marquise de Morville

@SarahP Make your own!

http://vegetarian.about.com/od/saucesdipsspreads/r/vegannutella.htm

I also have some nice vegan chocolate fudge sauce recipe!

parallel-lines

Nutella, you were part of my college experimental phase, but I've moved on. You do work pretty well on s'mores, tho, and the clean up is less messy.

Heat Signature

Nutella, just say "fuck" in lieu of "frack". You know you want to.

PatatasBravas

@Heat Signature I assumed she was referring to hydraulic fracturing, actually!

wharrgarbl

@PatatasBravas I'm pretty sure it does? I mean, flaming tap-water, earthquakes, state legislators accidentally voting to allow it with no take-backs...

Ophelia

@Heat Signature Hah, I thought the same thing. I was like, "But Nicole, it's spelled "frak," not "frack," and then I figured out that she meant fracking the environmentally unsound mining technique, not the always-appropriate BSG swear word.

Xanthophyllippa

@Heat Signature Don't worry, I got your joke. :)

beeline96

Okay so, honestly I have been hoping to share this for years but never found the right moment, you know? So once upon a time (in France), I tried to introduce Nutella into sexytimes. It did not work out well. It's like paint drying on your skin that just doesn't want to be licked off.

Nutella: great on carby breakfast food, bad on human skin. You've been warned.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@beeline96 Try cannoli filling instead! There will be sexy results!

beeline96

@werewolfbarmitzvah OOOH. I like your suggestion! And your corgi.

Gwdihw

@beeline96
...maybe use it for waxing?

Bittersweet

@werewolfbarmitzvah That sounds...really yummy. Does the sugar rush help with endurance?

werewolfbarmitzvah

For me, Nutella is the food equivalent of hard drugs. I know I would never be able to eat just a normal moderate-sized amount and then put down the jar and walk away. I would end up on the floor of a dirty cheap motel, blackout curtains shut, surrounded by empty jars and with Nutella smeared all over myself and all over the room. Therefore, I do not eat Nutella.

cosmia

@werewolfbarmitzvah See, I think because my parents have been buying it since I was 4 years old, I am accustomed to it and never want to have any more than just a little bit on a slice of bread? Is it kinda like the "if you lock your liquor cabinets your kits will become alcoholics" argument?

Daisy Razor

@werewolfbarmitzvah I have no impulse control when it comes to sweets, but let me tell you: getting a Nutella tummy ache just once is enough to limit your intake from then on. (No, I certainly did not eat 3/4 of a jar once. I don't know what you're talking about.)

remargaret

@werewolfbarmitzvah Same! It's also why I'm not on Facebook.

fabel

"But but but what?"

Ahh, my favorite way to assholishly interrupt someone who's trying to interject gently "But..." BUT BUT BUHHWHAT? HUH??"

BoozinSusan

@fabel I am going to introduce this more into my daily conversation. EVERYONE WILL LOVE ME.

oh! valencia

Hahahahaha! This made me chuckle so much this morning, Nicole. Thank you!

Megasus

I once ate you smothered all over a crepe, and it was GLORIOUS.

cosmia

@Megano! Was it at Cafe Crepe? Because I LOVE YOU CAFE CREPE.

Megasus

@cosmia I don't remember!

AtticWife

I want to say this to someone today and just let them wonder: "Oh, my God, you're even more confrontational than the nutria."

Xanthophyllippa

@AtticWife I'm considering putting that and a picture of a nutria on a t-shirt for myself.

City_Dater

Nutella, are you free to clean out my OkCupid inbox? Because you are clearly way better than I could ever hope to be at shooting down "pretentious pretending to be all modest and folksy."

themegnapkin

Does anyone know what the non-chocolate nutella is called? I've only ever had it from Turkey. I love chocolate so much that I don't know how I can say this, but I love the non-chocolate nutella more than nutella.

KatnotCat

@themegnapkin Is it just hazelnut spread? That sounds really good.

Judith Slutler

@themegnapkin Do you mean hazelnut butter? Delicious.

themegnapkin

@KatnotCat Maybe? I found the brand that I've had: http://www.yiyelim.com/productdetail.cfm?pid=168002

Sorry, I still haven't figured out hyperlinks. It's called Sarelle, and it is wonderful. When I went to Istanbul last year, the first thing I did was track down a supermarket and buy a huge jar of this. I didn't have a spoon, so I just licked it off my fingers. So good!

CrescentMelissa

Nicole! This was adorable. I love food interviews.

dontannoyme

Can I also give a shout out to the chocolate sprinkles you get in Holland? No hazelnuts going on so no allergy problems. Just sprinkles that you sprinkle onto a thick slice of white bread and butter. Preferably with thick enough butter that you leave tooth marks in the butter. Beyond. http://www.dutch-food-online.com/2011/08/03/de-ruijter-dutch-bread-sprinkles/hagel_melk3/

MissHalfway

@dontannoyme yessssss I have a Dutch grandmother and these things are my FAVOURITE. the fact that they were a rare treat growing up (we're in Canada and have to get them from a Dutch import store) combined with the fact that they are literally SPRINKLES THAT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST has always made them seem so much more indulgent than nutella and it's ilk, when in reality they're all probably equally unhealthy. but so delicious. carbs and chocolate, yo.

Sea Ermine

@dontannoyme These! I had forgotten about these! I used to loooove them in elementary school when I'd sleepover at friends houses and have that for breakfast. It was like an extra special treat because I wasn't allowed to have them at home (my mother didn't approve of chocolate for breakfast) but I thought they were sooo good. I'm afraid to try them again now that I'm older because I worry that it wont live up to the memories.

schrodingers_cat

@dontannoyme Yesssss. Teenage me was delighted when they were on the breakfast table at the hostel I stayed in Holland.

EvilAuntiePeril

@dontannoyme Ahhh... my colleague is Dutch and this is the particular form his bribery often takes. I have a box right now in my pantry.

bedeah

During my halcyon 'gap year' (read: took a year off college before I went batshit insane), I was eating a jar of Nutella in a hostel in Rome. (NUTELLA, I KNOW EVERYONE HAS DONE THIS, I ACCEPT I AM NOT A UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE.)

Anyyyyyway, there I was, eating Nutella with a spoon, when one of my roommates, some random American college girl, looks at me and says with this look of glorious dawning realization on her face, "Oh my GOD. I've had Nutella on just about everything...but I've never just eaten it with a spoon! I have to try that!"

As I had not yet become bold enough to make such statements aloud, I thought to myself, "WUT. Isn't eating Nutella with a spoon THE WHOLE POINT?!?!" Just as her mind was blown, mine was blown by the fact that she had never imagined the possibility of eating Nutella with a spoon.

iceberg

Nutella, does it piss you off when Americans mispronounce your name as NOO-tella? I mean, you're made of NUTS, isn't it obvious you're called nuh-TELL-a

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@iceberg But it's so much more fun to say NOO-tella. And just for that, I'm going to start reading your name as ICHAY-berg.

timesnewroman

@iceberg AMERICANS CALL IT NOOTELLA???? What the hell

Xanthophyllippa

@iceberg You need to hang around better Americans.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@timesnewroman NOO-S-A! NOO-S-A!

The Lady of Shalott

@iceberg I only made the connection that NUTella is made of NUTS after reading your comment. Yes, after the entire comment thread of people talking about hazelnuts and peanuts and stuff.

I have an M.A. I'll show myself out.

simalie

@iceberg According to the website it's new-tell-uh. That's how its pronounced in the Netherlands, too, but it's an Italian thing so who knows?

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@iceberg @all You're all wrong. It's noo-TELL-a. Trust me on this.

thelovehater

I recall during my love affair with Nutella - I, at one point, skipped the spoon and just went in with my shortbread cookies. It's cool, there was an intervention. I only enjoy Nutella is small increments now. *sigh* we will always have the Summer of 2010. Good times.

Jane Marie

I don't like Nutella, the taste nor the attitude problem.

Xanthophyllippa

@Jane Marie How do you feel about nutria? Or nutcrackers?

bitzyboozer

@Jane Marie I'm with you--it's too sweet for me. There's a Belgian dark chocolate spread with cocoa nibs that I like much better, but I can't remember what it's called.

give cheese some pants

PLEASE tell me someone here has been to Denmark (perhaps other Scandanavian countries??) and has tried Aranuts. It is a swirly mixture of Nutella and what they call "white chocolate spread" but tastes like Oreo creme and I have been trying to find a way to order it online since the day I got back from Copenhagen in 2006.

schrodingers_cat

@give cheese some pants If there is a cost plus in your area, you can get their version of it. That type of spread is pretty common all across Europe, so good import stores will also have it.

simalie

@give cheese some pants Oh god yes in the Netherlands its called Duo Pasta, and its sooooo good.

packedsuitcase

@give cheese some pants Why did you have to tell me that while I'm still living in Copenhagen? Why? Now I have to go find some and eat a whole jar.

give cheese some pants

@packedsuitcase DO IT. you will love me forever/never forgive me.

Redheads have even more fun

@jule_b_sorry That commerical cracks me up - lady, I'd eat my shoe if it had nutella on it!

Redheads have even more fun

My friend's girlfriend once bought him a giant jar of Nutella for his birthday. I asked if she had a brother...

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Redheads have even more fun I got a 5kg jar last Christmas. Ate almost the entire thing by myself.

...not in one sitting.

Hammitt

Nutella's from battlestar gallactica. rad.

schrodingers_cat

I loved you, Nutella, until I moved to Canada and discovered the Green&Blacks version of you. Now you are just a sad substitute for when I can't justify dropping $10 on a jar of the good stuff

sovereignann@twitter

I want to know how Nutella feels about Speculoos or "cookie butter" which is a new favorite now that Fort Worth got wise and opened up a Trader Joe's.

boxofcams

HA, I'm sitting here with a spoonful of nutella right now

ohnoohno

"Nutella: You sicken me. This entire enterprise? Sickens me. This is such comment-bait. You do realize that you could be interviewing, I don't know, Sheryl Sandberg? Linda Hirshman?"

I gotta say, I agree with the Nutella. Missing more meaningful content in the mix right about now.

Xanthophyllippa

@carrieohno Well, there's a thoughtful discussion going on over here you could try. Ironically, it's based on more or less that very idea of "meaningful content."

ohnoohno

@Xanthophyllippa Sometimes I think the editors know that they can post stuff like this and let the commentariat, instead of the writers, do the heavy lifting. It bugs. The discussion you linked to is an example of that.

I found the whole putting-out-this-article-is-totally-lazy-hahahahaha-but-we're-pointing-it-out-so-that-makes-it-funny-and-therefore-ok-right?-right? thing very annoying. Being self-deprecating is not an excuse for doing a bad job, and it is a tic in the voice of the Hairpin.

I love that the comment section here is so smart and vibrant, but I wish the edited part of the site would step it up a little. So yes, meaningful to me, is more interviews with interesting people (authors, activists, politicians, artists, comedians), essays and comics and fewer things like this. Not none, I know you gotta just get stuff up sometimes, just fewer in the mix.

Xanthophyllippa

@carrieohno Fair enough - I see your point (and actually agree with the principle, even though I'm not big on the heavy content here m'self). I was coming at this from a much less sophisticated perspective than you were; when I suggested that comment section I was thinking more along the lines of, well, if it's Little Women you're after right now, then The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants might not be all that fulfilling. Which still looks a lot snottier than I meant it, but I think the tone and content here seem to be cyclical; maybe we're just on an off cycle for a while?

ohnoohno

@Xanthophyllippa "... think the tone and content here seem to be cyclical; maybe we're just on an off cycle for a while?" I hope that that's it! Still, it is part of the editors' job to stop off-cycles from happening in such big ways.

Anyway, this has been bothering me for awhile and I thought that I should mention it. I think this site captures the Little Women and The Second Sex, which is part of the reason I love it. I want to keep the balance. I'm not going to lie, though, less escapist content would be welcome by me!

ohnoohno

@Xanthophyllippa Thanks for answering, by the way.

Xanthophyllippa

@carrieohno You're welcome! I realized from all the smart in your comment that what I was thinking probably wasn't as obvious to people who don't live inside my head as it was to me, and that either way, I probably looked like a dick. You had a much more thoughtful way of approaching it. :D

Also, I think Little Women + Second Sex is a really good characterization. I'd throw in the Travelling Pants, too, just because of the fun frilly beauty stuff.

Roaring Girl

I discovered Nutella when I was so broke that I had to go to the emergency food pantry, and it happened to be in the bag they gave me. WORLD TRAVELER MY ASS, NUTELLA, CUT ME SOME SLACK.

staircases

Dip pretzels into it. Never Look Back.

Nutellaface

Hey guys what'd I miss?

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account