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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

229

Why Go Out?

If you haven't read this speech by Sheila Heti yet, it's probably because you still go out.

A minor issue for our follow-up discussion: is it worse to go out, or to play board games?



229 Comments / Post A Comment

maybe partying will help

Sometimes I go out to play board games.

No but seriously, game nights at bars can be real fun (full disclosure: the linked page wouldn't load for me, so I am missing out on Heti's thoughts about Going Out).

noodge

@maybe partying will help yes, it wasn't loading for me either...

whateverlolawants

@teenie Me threither. :(

noodge

@whateverlolawants
THANK YOU, YOU'RE SMRT! :-D

maybe partying will help

@whateverlolawants

Magical!

Having read: it is true, I think I could quit people and only go out for Pin-Ups. I admit that in my new city, it is rather nice to not have very many obligations (and to never run into Drama Llamas when I do go out for a beer because the three people I know here live in faraway fringes of the city and also I don't know them well enough yet for drama to ensue). But sometimes I like to go out and watch strangers wreck themselves, and sometimes seeing that on TV isn't enough of a close-up.

Upshot: Heti is right.

fondue with cheddar

@teenie It's loading now!

mustelid

@maybe partying will help I'm going out to play board games tonight! (Confidential to Baltimore-Board-Game-Loving-Pinners: Brews and Board Games Happy Hour, last Tuesday of every month at the Windup Space!)

Jill_Tata

I am able to enjoy it:)@k

craygirl

"GET RID OF YOUR BOARD GAMES THEY ARE REVOLTING" <3 u Nicole (Nicolie?).

And if the page still isn't loading, it's available from Google cache

(edit: ah, someone above links to a better version!)

Nicole Cliffe

Link changed to a more reliable one! Easy to find better webpages when you never go out.

SarahP

Her first problem, of course, is that she has friends who have charades parties.

whateverlolawants

@SarahP But those can be really fun! I haven't done them since college, but those are some of my favorite memories from then.

Judith Slutler

@SarahP Charades parties that have ironic Orwell reference names, even.

SarahP

@whateverlolawants Okay, so maybe charades can be fun for other people, but the idea of pantomiming anything in front of any group of people, even dear friends, is horrifying to me.

Decca

@SarahP My greatest ever achievement was successfully acting out "The Angelus" in a game of charades.

likethestore

@SarahP yeah I love games but I draw the line at charades.

whateverlolawants

@Decca That's impressive. My friends and I are most proud of "existentialism" and "the idea of your foot falling asleep"- you had to say the whole phrase.

@SarahP I respect that. I'm pretty willing to do things that horrify a lot of people. I'm not always proud of that.

NeverOddOrEven

@SarahP
I get unreasonabe anxiety whenever I have to play Pictonary. But I'm generally pretty good at it. Except for that one time I had to draw a squid against my brother in law on an All-Play. My terrible squid and swift loss haunt me to this day....

melis

"Baby Fishmouth! Baby fishmouth!"

Dancercise

"Planet of the Apes? She just said it's a baby. How about Planet of the Dopes?"

melis

"Draw something - resembling anything -"

Dancercise

"Baby spitting up. Exorcist baby!"

melis

"Time's up!"

"Baby talk. Baby talk."

Dancercise

"Baby talk? What's that? That's not a saying!"

melis

"Oh, but Baby Fishmouth is sweeping the nation."

SarahP

@whateverlolawants I would gladly watch you charade, though.

Reginal T. Squirge

Keep going! You still have about an hour of the movie left!

melis

@Reginal T. Squirge EMILY IS *AUNT* EMILY YOU WENT TO A METS GAME IT WAS A LAST MINUTE THING STUPID ROY ROGERS WAGON WHEEL COFFEE TABLE I WAS BEING NICE IN FRONT OF IRA I'M GONNA BE FORTY WHEN SOMEDAY DEAD END YOU WANT SOME WATER IT WAS A MISTAKE WHO IS THE DOG IN THIS SCENARIO I AM THE DOG I AM THE DOG I THINK I'M COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING I'M THROUGH GROVELLING CALL ME UNLESS YOU'RE TRAPPED UNDER SOMETHING HEAVY AND I'LL BE AROUND I'M GOING HOME YOU'LL NEVER FIND A CAB IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M LONELY AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE IT'S NEW YEARS EVE YOU MAKE IT REALLY HARD TO HATE YOU AND I HATE YOU HARRY COCONUT CAKE TIERS CHOCOLATE ON THE SIDE credits

Reginal T. Squirge

Bravo.

He should've known Sally was a disaster long before the wedding but if a coconut cake isn't a red flag, I don't know what is.

whateverlolawants

@SarahP If I ever make a charade video I will alert you!

Faintly Macabre

@SarahP Does it make you feel like this?

SarahP

Also there are lots of fun/challenging/interesting board games out there! They're just expensive and/or harder to find.

maybe partying will help

@SarahP

I need a Seven Wonders pal, man!

Megasus

@SarahP I know! I own no board games because they are expensive as fuck! It feels kind of wrong that I can buy a PS3 game for pretty much the same amount of money.

meetapossum

@SarahP Cards Against Humanity is pretty much the best game ever.

SarahP

@maybe partying will help That's a great one! Whyyyyy don't you live in Boston?

@meetapossum My husband keeps saying we should get that! It sounds a bit like Apples to Apples to me, though, so I don't know if I'll like it.

meetapossum

@SarahP It is a lot like Apples to Apples, except all the situations/nouns are TERRIBLE.

My friends and I have been talking about getting the Game of Thrones board game because it seems like Risk but way more awesome.

maybe partying will help

@SarahP

Well, if you're ever in the Cleve...beer and board games!

anachronistique

@SarahP It's Apples to Apples for assholes. I played it at a friend's housewarming party last week and my best one was "New from JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of [Flying Sex Snakes]."

whateverlolawants

@Megano! Every time I see some interesting ones at Target for $30, I try to remember how it works so I can write my own version for my friends. I have never actually done this. It also would only work for games with cards, like "Apples to Apples."

mustelid

@SarahP Bang! (card game) is a fun one and not too expensive. Dominion is amazing, but kinda pricey (and best if you get the Prosperity expansion pack. Ticket to Ride is fun, but also expensive. Fluxx (another card game) is fairly inexpensive and fun!

I LOVE GAMES

H.E. Ladypants

@SarahP My boyfriend and I have an enormous closet full of board games. Our current favorite is one where you pretend to be in space and various mp3s shout out threats to you while you and your friends scramble around on a board representing the ship and try to survive.

It is redonkulous amounts of fun.

odd number

@SarahP What is a good game for 2 people? For when my bf and I are NOT going out. I like Scrabble but that's just because I'm good. I suck at gin rummy.

SarahP

@mustelid Bang is pretty good, but if I remember I wasn't good at it? I like Bohnanza better. Prosperity is my favorite of the Dominion games--my tactic is always to aqcuire a lot of money anyway, so that works for me.

@H.E. Ladypants That one is so intense! The same guy did a game called "galaxy truckers" (I think it's the same guy, anyway) that I like.

@odd number Do you like fantasy-based stuff? There's a game I like called "Small World" that has a two-player version but can also work up to 5 people. It's like Risk but not as hard/boring. If either of you has an iPad, there's a 2-person app version of it that is fantastic, and would be a cheaper, better purchase to figure out if you want it. There's another card-based game called Thunderstone (which is like half Dominion and half Magic cards, if I can say that without sounding too much like a huge geek?) that I love because I almost always win. Medieval-type theme: Carcassonne, which is fun and pretty quick to pick up, or Ora Et Labora, which takes a really long time to figure out how to play but is worth it (I think so, anyway). Space theme: Race for the Galaxy (card-based; it seems complicated at first because the cards use dopey symbols instead of just telling you what to do, but after checking their cheat-sheets it's not bad) or Starship of Catan.

OH MAN and Tsuro, which is a really simple but fun and gorgeous game that you can place wth like 2-8 people. (It's quick, too [20 mins], and great to play a few times in a row.)

tales

@H.E. Ladypants WE HAVE THAT ONE IT RULES SO HARD.

@meetapossum The Game of Thrones Game is totally a worthwhile investment. Just don't play with someone who cannot plan ahead, because their turn will take half an hour and you will no longer be friends.

@all How do you meet people to play awesome board games with? Just moved to NYC and have no game-playing friends, what's a girl to dooooooo

meetapossum

@tales I would totally be House Martell.

And the obvious answer is NYC games Pin-Up!

Danzig!

@meetapossum "Wait... Shit, let me look that up" - you, in the first 3-4 hours of your game of Game of Thrones The Game

I mean seriously, Fantasy Flight games are famous for their complexity, but the Game of Game of Thrones occupies an entirely different strata. And that's including the game in which you recreate the plot of a Lovecraft story using miniatures and ~20 sets of coded choose-your-own-adventure cards.

*e also you can only be House Martell if you play with 6 people. Sad but true (Greyjoys 4eva btw)

H.E. Ladypants

@tales Check out gaming shops. They frequently have days associated with different days.

Do you play D&D or any other table top RPG? MeetUp usually has lots of groups forming or looking for new members and that's a great way to have both a regular games date and to plonk into a new circle.

I also think a games Pin-Up would be a spectacular idea!

@Danzig! Mr. Ladypants and I frequently have fantasies about going to Fantasy Flight headquarters, grabbing the game designers by the collars of their shirts and yelling "STOP MAKING SO MANY TOKENS!"

We have tried playing Twilight Imperium three time. One session lasted eight hours. We've never finished a game. WTF.

Kate Kane

@maybe partying will help Wait, new suggestion for the July Pin-Up: Board games at the zoo.

Dorothea

the hairpin/awl scheme to make me obsessed with sheila heti is working

Dorothea

@blahstudent but i'm still inviting people over to play board games this week

sarah girl

I will say for this piece that it has an excellent summary of Alan Carr's book about quitting smoking.

Other than that, I'm not sure. I'm having a hard time figuring out her tone; is she serious? Being sarcastic? Surely she doesn't think she should actually quit seeing all people, ever...?

whateverlolawants

@Sarah H. Yeah, I found this sort of... annoying? And simultaneously insightful? It's just not how my mind works, so it was interesting to see how someone else's does. I don't always enjoy going out, and sometimes I just want to stay at home, but I really do have fun at least 75% of the time I go out. I rarely end up disillusioned with myself or feeling like a bad person.

Also, I lived in another country where I knew no one for six months, and while I did like many aspects of being alone, I wasn't happy there until I found some reliable friends. (This coincided with my health clearing up, me earning enough money to live, and me dumping the mega-asshole I dated for a few weeks, so it's hard to isolate any one factor.)

I didn't need to see the friends all the time, but without anyone there I genuinely liked and who liked me back, things were pretty bleak. Again, hard to isolate if the lack of friends was the only reason it was bleak, but I'm pretty sure it was a big factor.

Judith Slutler

@Sarah H. Yeah I don't know, I was kind of trying to figure out how to make an "Atlas Shrugged" joke about it.

bluebears

@Sarah H. Yeah I agree. I didn't really get what she was aiming for...Just that she likes being alone? But then she inevitably meets people and goes out more? But that's a choice so she clearly enjoys those people's company enough to socialize with them. I don't know...

whateverlolawants

"Does anyone actually enjoy more than one party in six?"

Yes. I do.

Beatrix Kiddo

@whateverlolawants Yeah, I'd probably say four in six.

emilylou

@whateverlolawants For serious. I enjoy almost all parties I ever go to. Ever. I live to go out and experience new activities, events, people, parties. (And there are board game parties! Whatever!)

"And truly, who has ever been satisfied by people?"
Wtf. I have, dude.

(That being said, I was bothered by most of this, but I liked the end well enough!)

fondue with cheddar

@emilylouise I can actually relate to a lot of it, but I wouldn't want to cut myself off from people completely. There have certainly been times when being alone made me more confident, and conversely, being with others (or in a relationship) has made me less confident. I do have less of a need to be around people than some, and parties leave me mentally exhausted.

hulia

@whateverlolawants Right? I have a great time at parties. I wouldn't even characterize myself as an extrovert, but I seldom go to a party and say "damn, this sucks, I wish I had stayed home instead."

Sure, when I'm hungover the next day, I might say exactly that, but that's a different matter entirely.

redheaded&crazy

@hulia I would say I enjoy almost all parties! I can't really think of any off the top of my head that were not fun. I guess I'm just a really awful person because I like socializing a whole lot! :D

fondue with cheddar

@hulia Sometimes I wish I'd stayed home when the party is with a lot of people I don't know because I tend to be shy and uncomfortable with people I don't know, which makes it hard to have a good time.

@redheaded&crazie Liking to socialize does make you a really awful person. What's wrong with you?

likethestore

I freaking love board games. Am I the only one?!

WhiskeySour

@likethestore You are not the only one! I love board games - even the so-called crappy ones like Yahtzee and Pictionary and all those. Oh! And Scrabble! Scrabble is the best! But not Monopoly; for some reason Monopoly brings out my ultra-competitive rage monster like no other game does.

maybe partying will help

@likethestore

Nope. Scrabble is my jam. My grandma kicks my ass every time though. RISK is good too (esp. LOTR RISK because invading the Gap of Rohan is way better than invading Russia). Godstorm is similarly awesome. Apples to Apples! You can keep Monopoly, though, that junk is nonsense.

Also: drinking games involving cards? The worst or the WORST?

Judith Slutler

@likethestore Yes I love games! Risk, Settlers of Catan, Taboo, Scrabble, all awesome games.

sarah girl

@likethestore I think board games are really fun! Granted, they're not fun when they drag on for hours and there's obviously only one person still invested and everyone else is checking their watches or falling asleep... but that doesn't happen too often.

Also, Apples to Apples fans - try Cards Against Humanity! It's like Apples to Apples but incredibly twisted.

likethestore

@likethestore Apples to Apples is my jam. There is a good card drinking game, we call it Kings but I know there are other names -- basically you assign an action to each card (like queen means all ladies drink) and draw cards from a pile. It can get surprisingly hard.

Judith Slutler

@likethestore Oh, best card game (non-drinking) is Shithead. I played sooooo many rounds of that with my customers when I had Monday night bar shifts last year.

Dancercise

Everyone in this thread has a standing invitation to my house for Taboo and Catchphrase.

Beatrix Kiddo

@Dancercise Taboo and Catchphrase are officially THE BEST PARTY GAMES EVER.

maybe partying will help

@likethestore

I guess I dislike card drinking games because being one of two people at a party who aren't playing is pants--and they are sort of de rigeur among my friends, like, there WILL be card drinking games no matter what, where most parties I've been to, folks don't pull out board games unless it's mass-agreed-upon that we all want to play Taboo or the party itself is a board game party.

Kings was the bane of my existence in my old city, and it is fixing to become the bane of my existence in my new city. If the party's more than twenty people, fine, there will be people not playing, but most of the house parties I go to definitely contain less than that.

Decca

@WhiskeySour My leftie parents didn't allow me to play Monopoly because of capitalism.

olivebee

@likethestore Jumping on the board game train here! I love them. I love low-key "parties" with a handful of friends drinking and hanging out playing board games or just talking or whatever. I have way more fun doing that then "going out," so to speak.

Also, Balderdash is my all-time favorite board game. So funny, and you get to be super creative. Close seconds are Pictionary, Apples to Apples, and Scattergories. I did play something recently called "What's Yours Like?" and that was a ton of fun, too.

ETA: I only knock "going out" when it refers to the stereotypical "going out." Like, getting wasted and bar-hopping to a bunch of douchey bars or whatever. But on Friday night, my husband and I went with 4 friends to get dinner and then go bowling all night. It was a really good time and we got out of the house, so in that sense, I guess I can enjoy "going out."

WhiskeySour

@Decca Now I see that the way I play Monopoly is exactly the desired response. Clearly that is why I grew up to be a ruthless, Objectivist, ethics-shmethics, Money Is God banker on Wall Street. It was...it was...the Monopoly! (Not really)

I joke, but that is an interesting point, Monopoly kind of is Capitalist propaganda, isn't it? At least sometimes the players go to jail, though. Unrealistic!

NeverOddOrEven

@maybe partying will help
I spent the entire summer before my Junior year of high school playing Presidents and Assholes and drinking Southern Comfort.
It was one of the Best Summers Ever.

NeverOddOrEven

@olivebee Balderdash is the best! My family used to have so much fun playing it on holidays before all the grandkids grew up and realized that everyone actually hates eachother.

miss buenos aires

@Decca I wouldn't say my parents didn't *allow* me to play Monopoly, it was just... never around. And all my aunts and uncles are of a similar non-Monopoly-playing persuasion. So to this day, I've never played Monopoly.

But in keeping with my penchant for quoting The Sopranos wherever possible, I have just this to say about using different kinds of rules: "You know, the Parker brothers took time to think this out. I think we should respect that."

Probs

@WhiskeySour my understanding is Monopoly was created as a critique of the capitalizt system. Being a slumlord, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, the name. I think it's fair to say that Milton Bradley is not averse to capitalism, though.

Judith Slutler

@Probs I thought so too, is that an urban legend?

whateverlolawants

@Decca There was a game at my grade school called Antimonopoly. The box had a quote from a 1914 antitrust law.

Probs

@Emmanuelle Cunt totally could be mythical. I have no idea!

dtowngirl

@Decca I always hated playing Monopoly because my brother insisted on being the banker, and he always cheated. So, your parents were right--the bankers (though I'm sure not all of them) cheat.

likethestore

@dtowngirl I don't understand, isn't the point of Monopoly to cheat??

dale

@likethestore Nope! But then again, you have to have a group of people to play with. Sure, I have a LOTR board game, but I can't play it with the handful of people I know who are obsessed with the books & know everything, or I won't have a chance. And I still haven't managed to get anyone to play Python-opoly with me. :-( Anyone local up for a game?

redheaded&crazy

I'm just inviting myself along to all the board game parties cuz i love em!

also card games, drinking or non-drinking. cards against humanity is definitely my current favourite because it perfectly suits my inner (outer) awful person.

another one that my friends and i play often is werewolves, which is like a murder mystery game. love it.

likethestore

@redheaded&crazie Werewolves is SO MUCH FUN. Especially when you are drunk.

H.E. Ladypants

@Probs It was actually based on a board game designed by a Quaker that was distinctly anti-capitalist! The Monopoly sold by Milton Bradley has a bunch of tweaks.

There was a New Yorker article on this a while back. I'll see if I can dig it up.

Angry Panda

Get rid of your board games they are revolting! Also, going out to someone's house and people bringing out the board games? The worst thing ever.

bitzyboozer

@Angry Panda Nope!

kinbarichan

@Angry Panda: I don't mind playing board games if that's the stated intention of the evening, but I hate being ambushed when I thought we were simply socializing. Especially when it's one of those epic, hard-to-follow games that guarantee we will be there past midnight, stuck in board-game limbo.

Angry Panda

@kinbarichan Yeah, if that was the stated intention of the evening, I would politely refuse because I am not a game-playing person. I just don't see it as entertaining. And I hate being bullied into doing things because Come on! Be a sport! Ugh.
I have unresolved issues I need to deal with, obviously. :-)

noodge

this makes me think of: is anyone else struggling to find time for their friends? and then, all my friends are really great, and they introduce me to other great friends, who also want time with me, and it's starting to stress me out. i struggled to find friends for the years i lived in southern california, so at the same time that i'm so appreciative that i've found my "niche" i am getting stressed about not having enough time for the my peeps. any advice? anecdotes?

whateverlolawants

@teenie I'm just commenting so I can hear others' thoughts.

As for me, I'm generally good about making time for my friends (luckily, they tend to travel in packs and have regular get-togethers), but sometimes I get so worn out from all the socializing. I had to stay in all weekend just to regain a semblance of mental balance. I'm essentially an extrovert, but I have ADD that drains some of my energy, and I value my alone time quite a bit. I'm lucky b/c I have few commitments other than my generally unstressful job and seeing my boyfriend and family frequently (i.e., no kids), so I wonder what it would be like if I was a mom or had a more demanding job.

One thing I do think helps is realizing you don't have to be at everything. I used to feel like people would forget about me, or I'd be left out, or they'd talk about me if I wasn't always THERE, but that's insecurity and people-pleasing talking. (If that's really the case, your friends kinda suck.) Obviously you have to show up sometimes, or you will fall out of the loop altogether, but I've been relieved to find that my friends understand when I need to say "no." (My friends are wonderful!)

noodge

@whateverlolawants you sound a lot like me (mainly an extrovert, exhausted by my ADD), except the family stuff is a bit more intensive because my fiance's family is very tight knit and large. A couple weekends ago, we finally had a chance to just veg out on the couch, and we spend the morning eating breakfast and lounging/cuddling while watching a documentary about Wavy Gravy and we were both just shocked at how good it felt and how long it had been since we'd done that. Most of my friends are pretty good about it, but some can get salty and take it personally. But it's almost to the point where Mr. Teenie and I will meet awesome new people, and we'll be like "but we don't have time for any more friends!" which sounds really dickish (like "god it's so AWFUL to have so many FRIENDS") ..but our time! it's getting so precious now!

SarahP

@teenie I know exactly what you mean! I have about 1 evening a week I can spare for hanging out with friends, which means that I don't have time for a lot of new friends because I barely have enough time to hang out with old/current friends. But I want new friends! It seems so silly to be complaining about it, but yeah, I'm in the same boat. (That's why I love parties so much! I get to see everyone at once!)

noodge

@SarahP YES! parties are the best. enjoying 1 in 6? try 10 out of 10! and if we somehow have an open night with nothing scheduled on a weekend, we'll try to coordinate a bbq/party at our place and invite all of our friends. sometimes a bunch come over, sometimes just a handful, but it's a nice way to try to fit in some quality time with the people we love.

redonion

@teenie I am having a really hard time making time for friends, and actually I identified with the speech a lot. But I am single and I live alone, so if I don't go out then I might go several days in which the only non-work conversations I have are with my cats, so I try to make a regular effort. In the winter, it was like "Friends? Where are you?" and I had all the time in the world for baking and knitting and rewatching Doctor Who. But now that the weather is great, EVERYONE wants to go out. I think it's hard now too because I have lived in the same place for a fairly long while now and have developed distinct friend groups - my oldest friends, my newer friends, my work friends, my crafty friends, my book reading friends, my alcoholic friends - some of these groups overlap and some never will except at the events that I host. I feel like I am turning down more invitations and not just because I have conflicting plans but because I REALLY need to do laundry or I have a cake that I am deadset on baking or I really need to finish this book. And then there are things I want to do for myself like yoga or some kind of class or watching an entire television series on Netflix.

And as for the parties, I love parties my friends throw. Butu I used to go to parties where I was invited because I was the friend of a friend and I felt like I OUGHT to go talk to people/maybe meet people/maybe meet A GUY. And when I had fun, it was great. And when I did not have fun or it was awkward or the only person there I knew beside my friend was the friend of a friend with whom I had a really "meaningful" conversation with and then made out with a year earlier and then who had never called, it was like WHY do I do this to myself? But you may have caught on from the above that I am a big time introvert, so going out into rooms populated with strangers always involves a certain amount of psyching myself up.

fondue with cheddar

@teenie Damn, I'm pretty sure I started writing a comment here but took a break before hitting "reply" and it got lost. Anyway, yes...I am also struggling to find time for my friends.

@SarahP "I don't have time for a lot of new friends because I barely have enough time to hang out with old/current friends. But I want new friends!" That is exactly me!

I do sort of dislike parties, though. I like people and all, but socializing drains me. Socializing with a small number is fine, but once the party is large enough that people split off into groups, it's too much for me. I always end up talking to only a few people and ignore everyone else, and then I feel like an asshole afterward for ignoring everyone else. The exception is when I throw my own parties, because I've got a job to do and it relieves me from the constant socializing, and makes it easier for me to leave/enter conversations. Also because, since it's my party, everyone there already knows and likes me, so there's no social anxiety.

whateverlolawants

@teenie I feel ya on that! Nice to know there's more of us extroverted-but-ADD types around here. I probably lucked out by dating someone with NO family within 700 miles, and all the close ones on a different continent. (It's hard on him, so of course I'm not GLAD his life is like that, but... you know.)

@redonion You're the best judge of your friends, but can you try to combine them? I used to think my friends wouldn't have much in common, but I was tired of splitting my time so much, so 2-3 years ago I pushed really hard for everyone to meet, and it worked out really well! I still have some distinct groups, but I love how much everyone ended up liking each other and wanting to hang out together. Also- semi-related question- are you happy living alone? I'm always trying to decide how much I'd like it.

redonion

@whateverlolawants Yeah I am working on the combining, which sometimes goes off like gangbusters and is sometimes like oil and water and me hopping from group going, "Person A, you like books. Person B likes books, too. Discuss!" My attempts at sparking conversation are only slightly more artful.

I do like living alone. Kind of a lot. But I do miss having people nearby. One of my friends used to be my next door neighbor, but she just moved a little ways away to move in with her boyfriend. So borrowing eggs and finding a crime solving procedural watching buddy just became more complicated. And many of my oldest friends have moved out of the city.

But it's funny, I am commenting about how I would like to go out less and potentially wanting to be a shut in, but any time I think about moving out to the country to be closer to my family, I think with horror, "But there is NOTHING to DO out there! I couldn't possibly leave the city!"

whateverlolawants

@redonion Oh yeah, I got lucky in that most of my friends didn't even seem to need much pushing to enjoy each other. There are people who I've never introduced, though, b/c I'm pretty sure the "oil and water" analogy would be apt.

I'm probably moving out of my family's home soon to live with a friend, and I'm mostly looking forward to it. I've never had a bad roommate, except when I stopped being friends with some girls I lived with, but it wasn't really b/c we lived together. I've always wanted to live alone, though, so I like to ask people about their experiences with it. Having a friend nearby would definitely make it better.

redheaded&crazy

such an interesting thread! most of my friends all hang out as a group so that makes my life pretty easy. and the ones that are not "part" of the group and who I don't see as often will still come out to bigger events.

I was actually talking about this with other pinners on friday! Because my problem is that I totally overbook myself. This doesn't happen very often, but every now and then a few different things will come up for the same night and rather than be smart and say no to something (like, say, the plans that were made last) I will say yes to everything and think to myself that I can make it all work. Which, sometimes I can make some of it work. But not all. But I've been doing this for so long and it's like I neverrrr learrrrrrn. I just hate saying no to things! I want to go to all the things!!!

redonion

@whateverlolawants I really like living alone, but I did have roommates for a couple of years. A lot a lot. Sometimes I miss it but I could never go back. If I postpone cleaning my bathroom a day or two, no one notices. And I have two cats now, so I talk to the cats, not myself. I do miss having someone to split pizza with, though, because 4 days of pizza is a long time of pizza.

@redheaded&crazie Overbooking! I feel like half of my shut in tendencies are in response to a week or two of overbooking. Like I am just "Enough!" I am trying to find a balance, but it always seems like feast or famine.

fondue with cheddar

@redonion Other than two years in college, the only roommates I've had were ones I was banging, which is an entirely different thing. The ideal situation for me (if I were single) would be living alone but having a friend or two who live in the neighborhood.

"I feel like half of my shut in tendencies are in response to a week or two of overbooking." That is EXACTLY what I do! Unfortunately it doesn't take much for me to feel overbooked, so I spend way too much time as a shut-in.

whateverlolawants

@jen325 Yeah, that's why I spent all weekend at home. A couple weeks straight of STUFF EVERY NIGHT, it felt like, and I needed to hibernate. I'm at a stressful point in life, which made it worse.

fondue with cheddar

@whateverlolawants Ugh, stuff every night is the worst! I've had a lot of that lately, and I'm at a stressful point in my life as well. WORLD, LEAVE US ALONE.

chrysopoeia

This is just great.

Dorothea

@chrysopoeia yeah, i totally loved this. i don't literally hate board games or having friends, but i think it really captured the particular kind of anxiety/disappointment that attend social interaction (and why it can be so tempting to avoid it).

chrysopoeia

@blahstudent And that the disappointment of failing to bring out socially the hyperawesome self that resides in your head is OK because well, you're being a person.

I've read some of her other stuff and have definitely shortlisted her upcoming book.

Dorothea

@chrysopoeia disappointment in yourself is a huge part of it!

i haven't read any of her other stuff, but i just put her new book on hold at the library. woohoo!

WhiskeySour

I'm having a little trouble parsing this article; I feel like it is aimed primarily towards introverts? Because I am the kind of person who likes to be alone, more or less. But on the other hand, this feels a little like the usual "Introverts should be more extroverted!" article, just presented in more finessed rhetoric than most, which frequently boil down to "solitude is unnatural, humans are social creatures."

I don't know, I'm just a little uncomfortable with it. I find that her equating going out with humility, being good at being a person, etc. to be similarly on-par with her (kind of terrible) friend's equating being good at charades as being communicative, a good listener, and sympathetic. The absence of going out, just as the absence of being good at charades is being used to kind of denigrate people who do not successfully engage in these activities.

I just feel that there are a whole range of people with different ranges of social desire. I don't think not going out makes a person a "demi-god" in his or her "little castle." I think there are just many differences, and no one way is better than another. As I said above, I'm a total introvert, but I completely respect extroverts and their desires for frequent social interaction. All I ask is that extroverts extend introverts the same courtesy.

Or maybe I'm just completely misinterpreting her point?

NeverOddOrEven

@WhiskeySour
Being an introvert is hard, man. Trying to sort out what you actually desire and what you just feel is obligatory...

I took that Meyers-Briggs thing online recently, and even though I don't put a whole lot of stock in that sort of thing I did gain a lot of helpful insight to myself. I think I was an INFJ? One of the rarer types.
It says that I avoid any interaction unless it's meaningful, which is SO TRUE but I never could articulate on my own. I've always been awkward with small talk and meeting new people, and generally don't socialize a whole lot; but once things get Real I can't shut up. I'm an open book and chronically over-share when it comes to personal topics.
So now I don't stress so much about being avoid-y. 'Cause now I know I just don't tolerate the bullshit. And I like that.

whateverlolawants

@WhiskeySour You've just articulated some of what bugged me about this.

redonion

@WhiskeySour I think I read this differently, but maybe it is just because it very much concerns a place I am in now and things I am sorting out.

I have been contemplating shutting myself in because I have gone through some stuff socially and personally in the last year and it has gotten to the point where I was like, "What am I getting from a night out at bars besides a depleted bank account and a beer belly?" I am an introvert by nature and plus there is just so much I want to accomplish that I just need to do to sort myself personally and professionally and still have time to read books and watch dumb tv shows. And sometimes it seems if I could just shut out the outside world, I could figure out what I am doing and what I want to do. I feel like I am not on any kind of path to being the person I want to be or having the life I want to have, and I would love to be able to take a step away from everyone and everything and sort that out.

I think what Heti is saying that is the going out that helps us figure out who we are. It would be easy, once we get past the pangs of loneliness, to be whoever we want to be in the confines of our own home. We can lock ourselves in and read all the books and bake all the cakes and knit all the scarves and have peace and quiet and personal accomplishment. But maybe we can only discover new things about ourselves, the limits and extent of ourselves, when interacting with others. And the not curing ourselves of others entirely is part of being human. And sooner or later we inevitably let people in, to whatever extent we are comfortable doing so, because we want to interact with learn about others. Because that is how we also learn about ourselves.

I am still not so sure about that whole games night/charades tie-in, though.

sevanetta

@NeverOddOrEven omg, another INFJ! We are rare, the only other one I have found so far was a former boss.

I also take psych tests with a grain of salt, but I have to admit that a lot of the things said about INFJ fit me. Here's to meaningful communication!

NeverOddOrEven

@sevanetta
Yea, it was pretty impressive. It also helped me realize that the path I was on is probably the right one. I've been completely aimless my entire life career-wise, but since it says all this shit about me being a caretaker and needing everything to be all deep and shit I'm running with advocacy work. The plan is to get a job with Planned Parenthood doing sex ed with teens, which as a volunteer isn't all that out of reach.

sevanetta

@NeverOddOrEven hahahahahaha long before I did MB for the first time, I had an early-career crisis and realised that instead of killing myself doing volunteer work to feel like I was giving enough to the world, I needed to make my day job meaningful work. so I have been working in gender issues/community & international development in government and other equity issues for a few years now. Advocacy work will be brilliant for you, it will bring opportunities you didn't know about! best of luck to you!

whateverlolawants

@NeverOddOrEven My friend does that for PP and really likes it! I don't know if she's an INFJ, though. :)

NeverOddOrEven

@sevanetta
Aw, fucking sweet, thanks!
I had a hard time trying to articulate that to my husband - volunteering isn't enough. Not only do I want it to be Official, but if it was my job I wouldn't still have my soul sucked 40 hours a week.

NeverOddOrEven

@whateverlolawants
If I can help just one kid break free from all the baggage and stigma that we get thrown at us from birth, then I'll feel like I'm Mother fucking Theresa. It makes me so upset.

I spent all last weekend tabling for PP at Pride, and I think I said "vulva" more than I have the entire rest of my life.

whateverlolawants

@NeverOddOrEven I wish someone like you had been there when I was a teenager! The world needs more of it.

fondue with cheddar

@NeverOddOrEven "I've always been awkward with small talk and meeting new people, and generally don't socialize a whole lot; but once things get Real I can't shut up. I'm an open book and chronically over-share when it comes to personal topics."

YES, that's how I am to a T! Small talk is so awkward and pointless, which makes meeting new people really difficult. I'm actually pretty evenly split between INFJ & INFP.

Slutface

My boyfriend and I stayed in the other night, got drunk and played fish. It was a blast.

bluebears

I love Boggle and Rummikub but are those board games per se? Seeing as how there's no board. I will tell you that party type board games (Apples to Apples et al) make me want to blow my brains out.

hulia

@bluebears Yesssss Boggle and Rummikub! Now I'm all nostalgic for summer nights playing Rummikub on the back porch.

bluebears

@hulia: I can play Rummikub for HOURS.

Dancercise

Being insulted by one person means that you can never be satisfied and happy to be the the company of anyone? I find her argument flawed.

However, what I imagine she actually means by this speech is that, if you aren't truly happy with yourself, you can't expect other people to make you happy. Which I tend to agree with, but that doesn't mean I'm going to cut everyone out of my life.

sarah girl

More thoughts. I can see this applying to types of socializing that feel more obligatory; like, I HAVE to go to this party because my friends will expect me to be there, I HAVE to go to happy hour with my coworkers because I want to be a part of the group, I HAVE to keep seeking out dating partners even though I don't feel passionate about it right now. I can definitely see wanting to remove those sorts of behaviors from your life, because they really aren't that useful or fulfilling most of the time. I fell away from a social group this year that had started to feel obligatory instead of actually fun, and it was definitely the right decision for me.

But, you can still socialize and find community without feeling inauthentic all the time! There will still be some awkwardness because we are humans with Rules for how to act in society (small talk, don't call people out in public, etc.), but if you genuinely want to spend time with people and are able to develop boundaries and say no when you need/want to, I think you can be very happy and healthy.

Briony Fields

@Sarah H. Agreed. Going out because it's just routine and you feel like you should can be a bad habit of sorts. But people also seek out other people to enjoy a sense of community and just get out of their heads a bit, which is very healthy!

werewolfbarmitzvah

I will totally go out if anyone wants to invite me anywhere.

hotdog

@werewolfbarmitzvah Seconded

sarah girl

@werewolfbarmitzvah Right?! People-with-a-Social-Life World Problems right here

redheaded&crazy

@werewolfbarmitzvah I will totally invite you and everyone else everywhere!

Decca

But if I don't go out, how can I request the Cha Cha Slide in every dancefloor I am on?

Probs

@Decca I'm more of a Cupid Shuffle person, but I feel you on this

Briony Fields

Hmmm, this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I've always enjoyed my solitude. I've never been afraid to go out to the movies alone, to dinner alone, do anything alone. I have some lovely friends and I enjoy spending time with them, but I've always clung to my along recharging time. Until recently, when I suddenly realized that my default "I need to be alone!" reaction to anything negative maybe wasn't that helpful? It just occurred to me one day that maybe being around people, even when I'm feeling awful, might be nice. That it's ok to reach out to people when I'm not ok, and that my friends won't judge me for that. Since then, I've been trying to be a bit more social. I suddenly feel a bit lonely with all my alone time. Like I haven't been recharging so much as just isolating myself. And somehow, I am enjoying my social interactions more now that I see them as helpful and not just cutting into my energy.
It's weird, I get where that comes from because my parents are weird and as a kid we often got shamed for feeling down/blue/crying/whatever. So I guess I've been protecting myself in a way, but it's nice to come out of that on my own terms.

*this has been therapy hour with Briony Fields*

Probs

This was great. I remember when I first realized I should almost never go out due to obligation. Now I enjoy my time with my friends so much more.

Also, I would say my (enjoyed party : party) ratio is like (.95:1). Even objectively terrible ones I tend to find interesting.

whateverlolawants

@Probs Yes, and I feel the same way about weddings!

Probs

@whateverlolawants yeah! I don't think I've ever regretted going to a wedding, although I haven't been to as many as a lot of people seem to have.

calamity

I kinda saw the piece as more of a meditation on why we feel compelled to do these things - like going out - that we don't really enjoy all that much. The whole time I read it I kept feeling like ... it almost got somewhere really interesting. Something more interesting than "people are so strange and difficult, too bad humans are social animals and therefore I can't quit them." Like, towards the end, where she talks about the person she thinks she is being different than the person she actually is, and how she only sees this difference when she's Going Out - that was a really interesting thought, and I wanted to see where she'd take it. But then it just ended!

bitzyboozer

@calamity Yes, totally! I felt like I related to a lot of it as I was reading, but then it ended and left me going "hm." It seemed to all boil down to "Don't go out if you aren't enjoying it, until you find that you really want to again." Which, sure. But also that doesn't really work with the quitting smoking analogy. I don't know, it reads like she needs to work through those ideas some more.

hotdog

Oooh, Also: staying in-SINGLE versus staying in-COUPLED is a very different beast. I understand that the author is speaking of the alone-single, but I get in a lot of these arguments with people that are like "oh, I don't go out very much blah blah blah" and it's because they have a live-in partner and get their social on that way. When I was single, getting me to stay in a night on the weekends was akin to torture.

City_Dater

@hotdog

People who are "staying in" with a partner do not get to argue with single people about the importance of down time, staying home, recharging, etc. We all need to roll our eyes at these people and be grateful their smug asses are home on the sofa next to their partners.

leonstj

@hotdog - This is really true. As a usually single person, "Staying In" too often is terrible. And I am even a solipsistic sort, most of the times! Even though I have a roommate, we keep separate on work nights, so other than the once a week Happy Hour, I have four nights per week where I get home from work, and then.

Whatever. I'm just by myself. I listen to SO MUCH MUSIC, read the billion and half magazines I subscribe to, clean (not really, I just read more music), workout (just kidding, I meant "try to figure out how to do a really good dancing while not clomping around like a drunk horse in my tiny non-first floor apartment) etc etc - ALL ALONE.

If I am going to "stay in" any more than that, I really need to have dinner parties and whatnot - which I love to do, but my apartment can fit about 8 people who don't live there before it's crowded.

And also, I hate playing games. Not in an emotional, whiny emo guy kind of statement - I'm actually completely okay with not reducing the emotional complexity of relationships to 'games' in a condescending "why doesn't everyone want to fuck me all the time and never care when i call?" tone - but like, board/card games. I dunno? I'm so non-competitive that they just could not interest me less.

Which leads to the inevitable - what is a person to do without drinking constantly? Movies/plays/art etc are fun, but I like just yakkin' w/ people. When I engage in culture, I want to think about it. Argh.

elysian fields

@hotdog Speak for yourself ... I'm effectively single most of the time (i.e. long-distance relationship) and I spend most evenings at home. Sometimes I wish I were out doing more social things, but then I remember that I like TV more than I like most of my friends. Sad, but true.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@leon.saintjean
Play the games without really paying attention, just enjoying the social aspect? Some people will tolerate this from me, others will not.

H.E. Ladypants

@leon.saintjean Your game comment reminded me a bit of my bf. He loves games but hates competition so we are constantly on a search for cooperative games, where the goal is for the group to beat the game, rather than for the players to beat each other.

That said, I dig what you're laying down. I am kind of done with drinking all the time and sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed with all the gaming in my life and just, ugh, want to hang out and have long exciting conversations with people without a social crutch? Like without the boozahol or game playing? Why do I feel like that's harder as I've gotten older?

leonstj

@H.E. Ladypants - I think this is why people move to the suburbs. I had a backyard in Brooklyn for 5 years, and became King of Grilling. Like, I am insanely good at it. The best. I had a party once w/ THREE going at once, and I made all kind of amazing food and fed like, 50 people a timed 8 course meal. It was awesome. But then I had to move, and no grill.

Over the weekend I went to a family BBQ, and got made grill-person, because, duh, Vive Le Roi Grilloir - and it was actually really grat socially. Because I know BBQs, I made the bevarage station far from the food station, and both not near the tables to force circulation, and also there was a firepit, and people mingled from thing to thing and SPOKE. That was fantastic, oh, it was the best.

Then again, I also drank a lot. But it was a choice here! It wasn't like a bar where it'd be weird to go and not drink.

Basically, BBQs are the answer to everything, and people should have them forever, and Vive Le Roi Grilloir.

Reginal T. Squirge

@hotdog

Yeah, being alone is a lot more fun when it's a choice.

stuffisthings

@leon.saintjean Apres moi, le leftovers.

whateverlolawants

@elysian fields That reminds me of my friend's graduation party, during which I talked to an old classmate. As the official part was winding down, the hostess said we could stay later. My old classmate was like, "Oh, I've gotta go." The hostess asked what he was doing next- just to be friendly, I think- and he was like, "Watching TV." I loved it. So honest.

hotdog

@elysian fields ah-ha, but you do not count: long-distance relationship. You're not lonely, because you have someone else invested in the minutae of your life, even if they're not there.

maybe partying will help

Also: still sad that we can't comment on the sponsored Once Burned posts...considering actually reading this one now that I know it's set in Gibsonton, FL. Lolz.

Decca

@maybe partying will help It's weird, cause I had forgotten that the story revolves around Leila, a mortal with dark powers, who meets Vlad, the Prince of Night.

City_Dater

@Decca

Is that Vlad on the cover? He has all the abs and all the hair. Like the abs and hair of at least three men.

maybe partying will help

@City_Dater

He looks exactly unlike how Vlad SHOULD look (which is to say like Gary Oldman).

Now I want to write a paranormal romance set in Cassadaga.

anachronistique

@maybe partying will help Seriously. SERIOUSLY!

meetapossum

@maybe partying will help I JUST read the sample chapters. Oh, man.

Judith Slutler

@City_Dater He's... an abs and hair vampire???

SuperGogo

@City_Dater Not to mention all the veins. Blech.

maybe partying will help

@SuperGogo

I couldn't tell if the...lines on his chest are veins or scars.

redheaded&crazy

@meetapossum The sample chapters. So good. I don't even know what else I can say. The sample chapters are so good.

meetapossum

@redheaded&crazie It took me longer than I'd like to admit to realize that the bartender was a bearded lady.

anachronistique

What in the hell is a conceptual poet?

City_Dater

@anachronistique

A terrible terrible person. And the jerk with the Don't Have Too Much Fun Board Game Conceptual Art Party!?! If I knew as many wretched souls as Sheila Heti apparently does, I wouldn't want to go out either.

sarah girl

@anachronistique An asshole, apparently.

Decca

@City_Dater Yeah that board game guy sounded like a psychopath. (After listening to that TAL episode about psychopaths, I now diagnose everyone as being one.)

maybe partying will help

@Decca

The board game guy reminded me of some terrible social experiment, which I guess it was, but why the hell would anyone participate if they weren't getting college credit for it?

trappedinabay

@City_Dater - Right? No wonder she doesn't want to go out. The people she knows all suck!

anachronistique

@City_Dater Yeah, there's no reason to tar all board games with the same 1984/It's Not Trolling, It's A "Social Experiment" brush.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Okay, so my plans for the first weekend of August have evaporated so perhaps the Chicago Vegan Backyard Grill 'Pin-Up can now go forward on the afternoon of August 5 for anyone who remains unconvinced?

missupright

I thought I was really good at being on my own- that I liked it- but it turns out no. That when I have no friends at all in this country, when I sit in all day on my own with no company, and then spend my evenings talking French kiddie-talk, I am a horrible, sad, lonely hypochondriac, googling symptoms that if I had anything else to do I might not even notice. I'm currently convinced (to point of tears, yesterday) that I'm dying of at least three different things; being alone with WebMD for this long is just not good for me. This has turned into a rant but I have to get it out somewhere. Only three more weeks and I get to go back to England, but I wish I could stop convincing myself I'm dying. I forget about it when I've things to be doing, so I suspect it is just that I'm slowly losing my mind to loneliness and staying in. I have CABIN FEVER.

tl;dr: Being alone with no books and no money is forcing me to spend more time contemplating my mortality than I thought possible; it sucks; people should totally go out if they can, because LUCKY.

missupright

@missupright God, that was a depressing comment. DON"T GET CABIN FEVER, COMMENTARIAT, YOU'LL JUST SPEND YOUR LIFE WHINING ON THE INTERNET.

miss buenos aires

@missupright You need books! Also, why aren't you going out? In my experience if you leave your house in France for ten minutes some French guy will start a conversation with you.

likethestore

@missupright I totally know what you mean. If I'm in an especially broody mood it's a sign I need to get out more. Cabin fever is dangerous. Hang in there.

missupright

@miss buenos aires I have no place or money for books, and everything I buy I have to bin or find a new home for in three weeks. And your experience tallies with mine, but I'd quite like a conversation where strange men aren't trying to maul at me, or ask for cigarettes, or sex, which has pretty much been the only thing French guys in the street have ever stopped me to talk about. :( I will see people this weekend. It has just been a Long Time.

miss buenos aires

@missupright Fair enough! Keep your head up and try not to take up smoking.

she's full of secrets

I have ALL THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS about this, but I'll try to condense. Lately I've been asking myself the same question as the author of this article all the time, and my train of thought inevitably leads me to this dilemma: Do I keep putting myself out there in hopes of forming and maintaining that one super-close friendship I really need, or is socializing on a regular basis not worth all the heartbreak/stress/money?

At the risk of making unfair generalizations: Being friends with extroverts is frustrating because no matter how often I see them, I rarely become more than a casual friend to them. My introverted friends and I have an easier time bonding on a profound level, but because of our mutually limited interest in socialization/social hang ups resulting in being maladjusted to an extroverted society/etc., those friendships have a short shelf life.

I'm aware that my friendship issues are largely my fault, that the people I know are perfectly lovely, etc. But I've struggled with social skills my whole life, and so as an awkward person, I don't think I could gracefully steer conversations/entire friendships in a different direction; no one should force what doesn't develop naturally, right? Plus, I'm certain there's so much subtext going on in social exchanges that I've never been able to pick up on.

I do think I'd miss board/card game nights if I "quit people," however... though I'm not sure if they're an ideal social activity for me because I'm a competitive asshole when I play them.

elysian fields

@introverted excavator agreed. I don't need a dozen "okay" friends who are perfectly nice but who I don't care about that much. I need just a couple really good, really close friends. Unfortunately, I'm in the former situation now and probably will be forever. I haven't had a best friend scenario since high school! Ugh.

she's full of secrets

@elysian fields The closest thing to a best friend I have is my boyfriend, which is not socially acceptable. (Your partner is "supposed" to be your best friend in addition to meeting all your other intellectual/emotional/physical needs, but you, like, totally need a female best friend too!)
Even if you find a best friend, there's a good chance you'll grow apart and get geographically separated, especially if you're in your early twenties like me and everyone's leaving your empty shell of a city to establish themselves somewhere that doesn't look like a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

I guess the only people you can count on in the long term are close relatives; that is, if you're lucky and they don't happen to be toxic individuals or deceased.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@introverted excavator "Being friends with extroverts is frustrating because no matter how often I see them, I rarely become more than a casual friend to them."

You say many wise things in this comment, my friend! I'm also painfully awkward and always have been, so social skills and friendships have always been a struggle. And while I often find extroverts to be the easiest to befriend, because they pull me out of my shell (and out of my house!), the frustrating thing is that extroverts have SO MANY friends that it's hard to become more than just a drop in the bucket to them. While with fellow introverts, we're usually both so painfully awkward that any friendship we might have develops at a snail's pace.

Not to mention, putting in the time and effort that it takes to cultivate a satisfying adult social life is exhausting when added on top of a fulltime job. I've got just a few close friends who I talk to frequently at this point, and the closest of the three lives in another city. I just want to know some nice, fun people to meet for a happy hour once a week, by god! And maybe have a party or two to go to once in awhile! Why does it always feel like such an impossible feat?

elysian fields

@introverted excavator yeah, my bf is also my best friend at this point. I haven't had a close female friend in many years and I've given up on ever having one again.

she's full of secrets

@werewolfbarmitzvah Thanks! Aww, I would hang out with you; anyone with an avatar like that has to be cool.

My most extroverted friend, who used to be my least-flakey friend/one of the few people I've known who puts forth a concerted effort to keep in touch with people in the long-term, has recently become more of a homebody than me (Which seems to be a troubling development, but I'm not sure of the best way to reach out to her.) Others have progressively gotten more preoccupied with jobs and other responsibilities, as can be expected. About a year ago I was seeing the same group of people at least once a week, but not anymore. And, of course, those friendships were never that deep to begin with.

I have a wide range of acquaintances and go "out on the town" and whatnot, but since I'm not extrovert, it's less than fulfilling. Sigh.

stuffisthings

@introverted excavator Just as every adult was once a child, every close friendship was once a casual acquaintance. Are you guys saying that extroverts don't have close friends at all, or that they can't become close friends with introverts? Because I don't think either of those are true.

(Speaking as someone who formerly thought of himself as an introvert, and spends a lot of time inside his own head, but now also loves spending time with other people in social settings.)

elysian fields

@werewolfbarmitzvah because meeting new people is impossible! I went to therapy for the first time this spring because I felt unusually sad, and my therapist concluded that I'd feel much better if I simply got some more/better friends. It's like ... oh, ok. Right. I always forget to stop by the Friend Aisle when I'm at the grocery store. Must put New Friends on my shopping list, between bananas and milk! I'll pick up some fresh ones next time I'm at Whole Foods! If only it were that easy, therapist lady.

she's full of secrets

@stuffisthings I don't believe either of those are true, just that I've found it -personally- difficult to become closer to my acquaintances, particularly if those acquaintances are extroverted. I have trouble cutting through the banal social niceties and getting through to people on a deeper level because I'm afraid of seeming pushy/nosy/weird. Sometimes emotional intimacy has developed naturally, but then there's the challenge of maintaining it.

Being introverted doesn't mean that you don't enjoy spending time with other people, just that it eventually drains you. It's good to hear you've become more flexible, though.

she's full of secrets

@elysian fields If friendships were groceries they'd be expensive produce items like mangoes or something; "costly," even if they're ultimately worth it/good for you. It seems I'm as frugal with my affections as I am with my money. =p

EpWs

Is this the thread where it's okay for me to confess that I've played Strip Scrabble before?

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
HOW DOES THIS WORK WHAT ARE THE RULES?

maybe partying will help

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher

How DOES that work? I am intrigued. I like theme Scrabble, like "you can only spell words related to sex/comic books/Star Wars/etc."

entangled

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I think it's always OK to confess that! and I second the request for the rules.

Probs

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher you seriously have to tell us how to do this. And then we can derive Stripe Boggle, and Strip Bananagrams. Hell, in Bananagrams you say "split," which is close enough to strip, and "peel"... hmm...

entangled

@Probs strip bananagrams has amazing potential.

olivebee

@Probs Well, you peel your clothes off, so...that one kinds of speaks for itself!

Probs

@olivebee @arr starr Right? Now I just have to have even the vaguest interest in taking my clothes off around my friends, or seeing them take theirs off. I just like the IDEA of strip games. It improves the overall Fun Quotient of the world.

I smell burnt toast

The first time I played Bananagrams, I thought it had to be all banana-related words.

Elsajeni

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I've played Strip Trivial Pursuit and Drinking Trivial Pursuit.

Probs

@I smell burnt toast that is awesome.

whateverlolawants

@I smell burnt toast Lolz. How many banana-related words ARE there?

EpWs

@everyone SORRY GUYS I was at work and that's not a good place to explain the rules of Strip Scrabble.
So basically you can play long-game Strip Scrabble or short game Strip Scrabble. Long Game is good if you're not playing for the express purpose of boning the person you're playing. LONG GAME RULES: keep a running tally of your scores (as per usual), person with the lowest total score at the end of each round loses a clothing. SHORT GAME RULES: Person who gets the fewest points during the course of a round loses a clothing. If you run out of clothes before you run out of letters, you can get creative. That is all I'm saying about that.

@Elsajeni Were those things happening during the same game?

I smell burnt toast

@whateverlolawants That's what I thought the challenge of bananagrams was: the finite number of banana-related words, and the creativity to think of new ones?

Elsajeni

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Officially, no, they were separate games. But inevitably, yes.

(Why even play Strip Trivial Pursuit, rather than just "everyone take off their clothes," since everyone gets most questions wrong at Trivial Pursuit and therefore they amount to the same thing? Good question!)

H.E. Ladypants

Sometimes I feel a little weird around here for having a very active social life that rarely involves entering a bar.

NeverOddOrEven

@H.E. Ladypants
No! Teach us your methods!

H.E. Ladypants

@NeverOddOrEven I don't know! I just got tired of drinking! And the next thing I knew my time was filled up with movies, games, bike rides, art galleries, dinners and brunches!

I mean, I have a drink here or there but I honestly don't remember the last time I went and hung out at a bar. I guess my social life just revolves around different hours and activities now?

NeverOddOrEven

@H.E. Ladypants
I wish my friends would get on that train.

redheaded&crazy

@H.E. Ladypants My friends and I are getting a lot better at this! Although we definitely combine with more than a few drinks here or there. I mean, basically, we do go to bars sometimes BUT we have also been branching out a lot in the last year or so to shows, sporting events, movies, beach-y things, park days

H.E. Ladypants

@NeverOddOrEven To be honest, I think it was me that got on that train and then friends with similar interests followed.

Probs

The best board game is Imaginiff. My friends and I always used Star Fox (Fox McCloud really I guess) if we didn't have enough people for all the spaces.

Faintly Macabre

@Probs So many arguments among my friends have been started by that game. "What do you mean, you think I'm a [...]?!"

stuffisthings

I dunno, I mostly go out because I happen to be a social primate conditioned by millions of years of evolution to crave contact with other members of my species.

Also for Happy Hour.

lue
lue

Can I just say how glad I am that this comment thread is turning into a huge list of game recommendations?

superdreaming

Can we talk about how much I want to know the name of our "conceptual poet" friend? His insult was so biting/fabulously cruel that I will never rest until I figure out who the fuck thinks that's an okay thing to say to another human.

Danzig!

@superdreaming I know, right? The sort of thing an asshole says upon meeting an ex at a function.

As for naming names, there's no need: there's one or more of these guys in every local art scene in America. They're never any good, but nobody calls them on it because they act like they're hot shit in a champagne glass.

superdreaming

@Danzig! So true re: at least one of those guys in every scene everywhere. I know quite a few, now that I think about it...they also tend to be impervious to criticism, as far as I can tell. I encountered a guy the other night who kept really aggressively disagreeing with my opinions about poetry for no reason, and finally got so bored of it that I told him I could take him in a fight (okay I had consumed a few whiskey sours by this point) and spent the rest of the evening relentlessly mocking him* -- he seemed not to notice at all. I almost wish my ego was that big!

*Disclaimer: I do not recommend this as a method of dealing with antagonistic folks. However, it was fun.

Danzig!

I know this is humorous (I think? I've been desensitized by baffling Thought Catalog articles and I can never tell what's earnest), but still

And truly, who has ever been satisfied by people?

People really feel this way! And I don't get it. I mean, I get it, but you just have to think about people as ends, not means, and the question stops making sense. People aren't simple means of sustenance, like... Friend-burgers or friend-salads. End solipsism!

My other instinct is to respond with "anyone who has ever received something they needed" but ehhh it's too much effort

I would love to read a satirical account of this character's discovery of Descartes and subsequent nervous breakdown.

Danzig!

@Danzig! Ugh I edited a grammar error and lost the italics on the quote. Second para is quote

NeenerNeener

@Danzig!
I'm thinking that was her point. A lot of people are seeking some sort of external satisfaction; to fill a perceived void in themselves, and that's just never going to happen (or be sustained for any length of time). It's the whole "if you can't love yourself, how can you love others?" cliche.

Danzig!

@NeenerNeener I think you're probably right. But I think everybody's kind of that way, and by banding together with like-minded folk we find succor. That's been my experience, at least - I find myself most together when I'm with people I like, and doing things with them (including things that we plainly arranged just to have something to do). To rationalize that out as some sort of... compulsive addiction metaphor seems so remarkably sad to me.

NeenerNeener

@Danzig!
I think what you're talking about is adding to your whole person (especially judging from your first comment), and not completing your person. I think the metaphor would apply to the latter; and it would be sad for all of us social animals if it applied to the former.

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