Or, at least this one.
1. Why doesn't this article talk about Stevia? It comes from a plant.
2. Paragraph 19, dumbass. Also, so does hemlock.
3. What about Truvia?
4. Truvia comes from Cargill.
5. I sweeten my coffee with manuka honey, which cures leg ulcers.
6. I sweeten my coffee with blackstrap molasses, which is kind of disgusting, but gives me an icebreaker at parties.
7. I sweeten my coffee with pure agave nectar, which is different from just "agave nectar" in a variety of ways other than price.
8. I drink yerba mate, sweetened only by the smiles of the disadvantaged children I work with every day.
9. Shut UP, #8.
10. Which one is aspartame? Is that Splenda?
11. No, that's Equal. The blue one. Splenda is the yellow one. Sweet 'N Low is the pink one.
12. Doesn't the pink one give you cancer?
13. Only if you're a rat, and they forcefeed you twelve gallons of it through a hose.
14. Which one is cyclamates?
15. You don't have that here. They have that in Canada, and they put it in the Canadian pink one, because of the cancer from the American pink one.
16. I thought that was just if you're a rat? Are Canadians rats?
17. I use Splenda, because Dr. Atkins says it's like magical rearranged sugar.
18. ATKINS DIED OF A HEART ATTACK. EAT ONLY RAW FRUIT, WHICH IS NOT AT ALL SUGARY EVER.
19. HE DIED FROM A FALL AND YOU'RE PROBABLY FAT ANYWAY AND WANT TO MARRY A CARROT.
20. Isn't a bigger problem that things are all too sweet now? Shouldn't we all just eat dirt instead, and think of food as fuel?
21. SHUT UP, #20.
22. Aspartame gives me migraines.
23. Aspartame gives me panic attacks.
24. Aspartame made me gay.
25. I used to drink twenty-six cans of Diet Coke every morning, and when I switched to water, I stopped beating my wife.
26. I hate when I see fat people drinking Diet Coke. It's like, who are you kidding?
27. I hate when I see fat people drinking real Coke. It's like, are you not even TRYING?
28. I hate when I see fat people.
29. I hate fat people.
30. I hate White Power Bill. IS THAT MOVIE EVER HAPPENING? IS THE NETFLIX THING REAL?
31. I drink Mexican Coke.