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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

157

The Best Time I Found Bits of Hair on a Shelf

When I was a freshman in college, my family decided to move. We all liked the old house, but my little brother’s neighborhood friends had all begun to behave badly — lying, stealing, and brandishing knives. These boys were eight years old. So my parents bought a house across town, where the lawns were bigger and the neighbor children had babysitters.

The actual move occurred over the summer, while I was at home, and because I was helping with the packing up and shuttling over of a few boxes at a time, I was given a set of keys to the empty new house. Sometimes I would sneak over there to take a nap in the basement, away from the chaos at the old house. I only used the new house as a make-out hidey-hole two times. I was very responsible. One day, when I was investigating the bedroom that would be mine, I reached up to a high shelf in the closet and touched hair.

I wiped my hand furiously on my jeans and went to find something to stand on so I could see. I remember feeling kind of frightened — I was alone in an empty house with stranger hair! I got up on a box and looked. There were several piles of fine, dark hair trimmings along the shelf. Very short. Curled. Did I say dark?

I refused to acknowledge the obvious. Maybe it was beard trimmings! Or ... men’s chest hair? But this had been a girl’s room. There were frilly curtains and a pansy-printed wallpaper border. There was a dusty scrunchie on the floor in the closet. 

It was unmistakably pubic hair. This girl had put piles of pubic hair trimmings on a shelf in her closet and not cleaned it up when they moved out. Maybe she didn’t want to move?

I did not tell my parents. My mother was an erratically superstitious person, and I thought she might freak out and suddenly refuse to move or something. But I remained so disgusted (pubic hair in my closet!), even after we’d lived there for months, that I secretly concocted an alternative story to tell myself about the hair.

The story was that the girl had fallen in love with someone forbidden to her (maybe by her family or religion), and it was a long-distance relationship, and he sent her love letters with his beard trimmings in them.

This is very creepy and bizarre, I know, but it seemed less gross. Also, there was a romance aspect. The point was to make the hair funny-strange instead of funny-barf. Sometimes, when I remembered the hair (that I had touched!), I would get queasy, and just think beard-beard-beard to myself to kind of reassign the weirdness to a safer place.

This was not the only time I found bits of hair on a shelf, however. When I was 22, I made the classic young-in-New-York mistake of subletting my room to a friend of a friend with only a verbal agreement. My subletter was a momma’s boy with a taste for cocaine and foreign film who practically jizzed his pants at the mention of Manhattan’s fancier restaurants. He skipped out early, and it took every cent I had to pay the $750 rent — all my waitressing savings (which was what, eighty bucks?) and each blessed check I’d received for graduation.

I still hate that guy.

But anyway, when I returned to the apartment to clean up and move out, I found the bookshelf above my dresser dusted with a fine coating of beard trimmings. Ugh! Disgusting, to clean up the beard trimmings of the asshole who practically stole $750 dollars from me. But then I remembered the hair trimmings from my closet. The hideous ambiguity of those hairs.

Beard beard beard ugh beard beard. Oh my God, beard, right? Beard. Beard.

Rebecca Scherm usually writes fiction, bless her heart.



157 Comments / Post A Comment

laurel

Heee, "alone in an empty house with stranger hair!"

frigwiggin

Wait, so wait. Did you...clean it out? Or did it continue to sit there on that shelf? Is it still there???

redheaded&crazy

@frigwiggin Good god how has this question not been answered yet?!?!?!?!?

*breathes into paper bag*

rebecca the brave

@redheaded&crazie Rebecca here-- of course I cleaned it up! Both times. I promise. Damp paper towel method, if I remember correctly.

cosmia

OH MY GOD WHY. I do this a lot too, invent alternate realities to the undesired real one. Like how in my mind I really think that the time that awkward guy with the teeth flew over from the U.K. to try and get me to be his girlfriend and I was so not into that idea but slept with him anyway was actually all just a short story written by Margaret Atwood.

BuffyBot

@cosmia Weird. same thing happened to me sister (was his name Chris? or are you Catie?)

Quinn A@twitter

@cosmia I love that you have described him as "that awkward guy with the teeth" without qualifiers.

I mean, you also said "the UK", so context clues and all that (I kid! Don't hate me, UK Pinners!), but I can also picture him as a guy who carries around a jar full of teeth or wears a necklace made of them.

meetapossum

@cosmia Are there people who don't do that?

SarahP

@Quinn A@twitter Oh my god, where is Third Wave Housewife when you need her.

cosmia

@BuffyBot Neither of those names describe me or the dude!

cosmia

@Quinn A@twitter Oh god I totally apologize if it sounded like I was discriminating against U.K. teeth! His teeth were actually fine, he was just...very toothy? You know those people who have great teeth, but it seems like they have a LOT of teeth and every mouth movement they make you feel like you're seeing a thousand teeth? That was his deal.

Quinn A@twitter

@cosmia I am now disappointed that it was not the teeth in the jar thing. ;)

Xanthophyllippa

@cosmia You mean like this?

cmcm

@Xanthophyllippa In my head he looked more like this

megancress

@cosmia I think we may deserve that actually, as most of the dental procedures that make your teeth straight and white are counted as cosmetic by the NHS and so cost lots. My dentist wont even take out the wisdom teeth I have no space for so they are moving my formerly perfect teeth around, making me look like a stereotype.

I know what you mean by the giant teeth phenomenon, why does it look like there is more teeth than mouth? HOW?!

whateverlolawants

@megancress I know this is late, but I wonder how expensive such procedures are in the UK and how it compares to the US. The transatlantic teeth discrepancies still never made sense to me on a purely financial basis unless it's CRAZY expensive in the UK. A lot of Americans don't have dental insurance, and even if they do, a lot of dental insurance doesn't cover various "cosmetic" procedures or orthodontia. Plus, we have to spend much more of our money on medical care. Do we just care more about how our teeth look in the US? Or is it truly more affordable?

whateverlolawants

@megancress PS- WON'T take out your wisdom teeth?!?! Not even if you were to pay extra? My American brain is saying, "Why is he even a dentist?!"

I'm truly not trying to be a snob here, so I'm sorry if my questions seem rude. I'm just trying to understand. I envy your universal health care and I have no problem with "imperfect" teeth on other people.

cmcm

@whateverlolawants As an American expat in London, I can say it DEFINITELY is about caring more in the US what your teeth look like. British people's standard for what is normal/acceptable/attractive teeth is more relaxed, which of course leads to the stereotypical British snaggleteeth for some, but for the majority of people I think there just isn't this feeling of needing to have super white, super straight teeth.

PistolPackinMama

Thank you, USAF, for being tyrannical about making your service members and their families clean out really well before they can move out of their military housing.

(Despite the 409 fumes and such that fogged my childhood.)

The USAF housing inspection? Totally run by A Very, Very, Clean Person.

Brunhilde

@PistolPackinMama Ugh, that somehow gets passed on to their NON-MILITARY grandchildren through their children growing up on Air Force bases. Thanks USAF, for making my mother even more insufferably OCD! She is, indeed, a very, very, clean person.

Bittersweet

@PistolPackinMama I wasn't brought up in a military family but it was thoroughly knocked into my head that when you moved out of a house, you cleaned sh*t up before handing over the keys.

Not everyone (obvs) thinks the same way. My husband and I moved a lot in our 20s, and quickly/resignedly accepted the idea that we'd be scrubbing the crap out of 2 apartments during the process.

New Commenter Name

Horrified.

New Commenter Name

Also it's funny to imagine DOING something weird like that, like being the one who actually leaves the hair for someone else to find.

datalass

@Curiouser and curiouser I know! Once when my in-laws were househunting, they went into one of the bathrooms and discovered an unflushed toilet. (Like, not a stray bit of toilet paper unflushed but rather, really and truly in desperate need of a flush.) Their immediate concern was that the toilet was broken but, nope, the owner just hadn't flushed. Other than that, the house was clean and nicely staged and all that jazz. And yet, up in the bathroom, just waiting to horrify, was that unflushed toilet.

atipofthehat

@Curiouser and curiouser

I usually just leave a mound of earth approximately a foot and a half in diameter with a gold necklace with half of a gold heart on top. At the base of the mound of dirt, a torn piece of newsprint with the words, FIRE WALK WITH ME written in blood.

Helps get a prompt and full deposit refund.

paperbuttons

@datalass I wonder if the poo was left not by the owner, but by someone else viewing the house? Like, they wanted it and they didn't want anyone else to want it so they marked their territory in a horrible way?

Why am I even thinking this far into this?

roadtrips

Whenever I am afraid ever again I am going to quietly repeat to myself, beard, beard, beard.

Xanthophyllippa

@roadtrips That would just send me from being afraid to being screamingly terrified.

tealily

I once moved into a house and found ambiguous trimmings on the windowsill, along with a sparkly belly-button barbell with a dangly star, *gag*. And I know a dude lived in that room before me. Somehow, the idea that the belly button ring belonged to some mystery skank who DIDN'T EVEN LIVE THERE made it worse!

tibia

@tealily In college I moved into a furnished apartment, previously inhabited by large, gross football players. One small drawer of the dresser came with a giant grease stain and lots of... hairs. (BEARD BEARD BEARD). I drowned that drawer with lysol and then never used it to hold anything except, like, old homework.

NominaStultorum

@tibia Grease stain, grease stain, grease stain. Grease stain. Grease stain.

tibia

@NominaStultorum yeah, that was definitely grosser than the hairs. especially because I couldn't sweep it up.

Xanthophyllippa

@tibia The apartment before my current one had a drawer with lots of hair in it in the bathroom. There were other things wrong too so I never even moved in (thank you, city building inspector), but still: drawer of hair.

olivebee

My first thought was that maybe this girl had super crazy uptight/religious/conservative parents and they never taught her about puberty or sex or anything, so she felt like she had to stash the hair there because if it was in, say, the bathroom trash can, then her mom would find out and punish her for wanting to clean up her lady bits? Or something...

Slutface

@olivebee This is exactly what I was thinking!

Killerpants

@Slutface Me three!

Reginal T. Squirge

Did these people not have working plumbing?

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@Reginal T. Squirge THEY WOULDN'T HAVE WORKING PLUMBING IF THEY WASHED/FLUSHED LARGE AMOUNTS OF HAIR DOWN IT. (Sorry, but I'm fanatically against hairy clogs in drains and toilets.)

Ten Thousand Buckets

@olivebee Yup. I didn't want to say it, though, as it really breaks down the beard hair theory.

@Reginal T. Squirge If a stray hair ended up under the toilet seat, or one stuck to the wall of the shower...

My mother would always paw through the garbage cans (to make sure we didn't throw out anything important, like a margarine container or only slightly frayed shoelaces. She always said she was making sure we hadn't dropped any $20 bills in there, but I caught on to her game), so I understand the need to hide/smuggle out evidence. Girl just forgot to smuggle it out.

RK Fire

@Ten Thousand Buckets: Who drops $20 bills in trash cans? How did you mom think this was a reasonable explanation?

Ten Thousand Buckets

@RK Fire She doesn't think we're very smart.

I also think she was trying to play it off as a joke, as it's something she said my entire life. She's really bad at excuses, so if we walked in on her pawing, she'd be all, "haha, $20 bills, you guys!"

RK Fire

@Ten Thousand Buckets: Yeah, I can definitely see it as an ongoing gag once you guys were like, 8, but even the thought of it is still pretty laughable.

olivebee

@Katzen-party Precisely. I cut my own bangs, and I learned very quickly that I need to toss the hair in the trash when I do it, because we got a massive clog the first time I tried to wash the hair down a drain.

@Ten Thousand Buckets Oooh my mom is the biggest snoop! She would root through my trash, my closet, my drawers, under my bed....she always picked up the other phone line when I would call my friends in middle school so that she could listen. It drove/drives me absolutely insane!

olivebee

@olivebee ETA: She did that stuff when I was living at home, I mean. I love having freedom from snoops like her nowadays.

okaycrochet

@Ten Thousand Buckets There is now someone in my life who is like this and it's so, so depressing. And you really can't stop them.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@olivebee Yup, I totally think it was a puberty/shame thing too!

Xanthophyllippa

@Ten Thousand Buckets I think anyone who does that for reasons that aren't pathological deserves it when they come up with a handful of used tampons and wet dental floss.

Oh, squiggles

It was a beard! It was her beard, which is why she was ashamed of it, and didn't want anyone to see the remnants of it!

Emby

You rang?

okaycrochet

@Emby Beard! BEARD BEARD BEARD!

likethestore

Inventing an alternate explanation for something that digusts me is one of my key coping mechanisms.

liznieve

@likethestore
I read "key copying mechanisms" and got confused.

themegnapkin

On the first day of my then-new job (not where I currently work), I found tucked into the back of one of the drawers of my new (to me) desk a small pill with some numbers on it. According to google: generic viagra. I still have no idea who it belonged to - the guy who had my office before me was in his 20s at the time, plus, viagra at the office?

bitzy

@themegnapkin Oh my god, Googling random pill numbers. I bought a giant old jewelry box from Goodwill years ago and one of the mini-drawers had a false bottom (!) that was filled with a dozen or so single pills. So out comes Mom's PDR and the Google to figure out what they were. A painkiller or two, several types of cold medicine, and a bunch that I could not track down for the life of me. So for years I kept the random ones (never took any of them, because ewww) and would look at other pills to try and find matches. I think they might still be in some little tin in my underwear drawer. It still bugs me I could never figure out what they were. So, obviously when I get home I will try to find them and resume the search.

I am one nosy bitch.

Brunhilde

@bitzy You could probably unload those at your local watering hole. Unknown pills --> profit. Then again you might kill someone.

bitzy

@Brunhilde Always a possibility...

bitzy

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me Nice. The freaky thing was that I used a similar tool to try and find them BUT they weren't in there. So, extra spooky...

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@bitzy Custom-made hallucinogens??? Compressed rhinoceros horn powder??? They finally made a whole meal in pill form??????

MsChilePepper

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me "By gum, it's gum!" /Violet Beauregarde

sudden but inevitable betrayal

The only logical explanation is that she was a werewolf and hadn't yet learned to embrace her true form. I mean, logically.

Lemonnier

@sudden but inevitable betrayal I would also support repeating "werewolf, werewolf, werewolf" to oneself to overcome fear/squickiness.

Ten Thousand Buckets

@Lemonnier Unless you're afraid of werewolves.

Xanthophyllippa

@Ten Thousand Buckets Or are Severus Snape. Though I suppose yours covers that, too.

Brunhilde

When my sister bought her house we found a book in the basement that was called "Resort Sluts". It was drawings of topless pin-up girls from the 50's. Now it would probably be deemed porn for children.

laurel

@Brunhilde Band name.

Passion Fruit

@Brunhilde Hahaha! This made me laugh and laugh and cry at how extreme porn can be nowadays.

okaycrochet

@Brunhilde At least they weren't "Last Resort Sluts." Probably not so aesthetically pleasing.

Brunhilde

@Brunhilde Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!! I would worry about my search history on my work computer, but I'm the IT guy so whatever.

bitzy

@Brunhilde PLEASE tell me you still have this. It looks amazing.

Brunhilde

@bitzy MY ASSHOLE BROTHER-IN-LAW THREW IT AWAY. I mean, how could you not at least try to sell it on e-bay or something. That thing was priceless.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@laurel "Resort Sluts" or "Porn for Children"?

bitzy

@Brunhilde "Threw it away."

MollyculeTheory

@Brunhilde Resort Sluts were originally only targeted towards rich people, but now Resort Sluts are considered to be an important part of every distinguished Sluts line, along with the more common Fall Sluts and Spring Sluts.

RueMcClanaHamSandwich

Just to be clear, though...which time was the BEST time? I'm thinking the second time, because that time you were like "whew, beard," versus the first time when you were like "beardbeardbeard (secretly not beard)!?!"

Also, when I helped my best friend move into her apartment in grad school (she took a room in a shared house) we found the former tenant's box of butt plugs. No fanfare needed. Just a whole cardboard box of butt plugs. We unceremoniously threw them out and to this day, will use "Butt Plug Bob" as conversation filler. "So I says to Butt Plug Bob, I says..."

MoxyCrimeFighter

@RueMcClanaHamSandwich Bahaha, wow! But why wouldn't you take them with you? Too many memories? (Too bad they weren't nipple clamps, I could have made a "mammaries" joke...)

My boyfriend swears that when his family was cleaning his sister's room after she moved, he found a giant blue dildo. I just can't even contemplate.

RK Fire

@RueMcClanaHamSandwich: I am imagining a standard office cardboard box full of butt plugs now and the absurdity of it is making me feel much better about the rest of my day at work.

Ten Thousand Buckets

@RueMcClanaHamSandwich My uncle rented a room in a house that caught fire while he was away on business. I went to help with the salvage, and in the shared bathroom: an entire closet stuffed full of gay porn.

RK Fire

@MoxyCrimeFighter:

Ooooh, the Best/Horrifying Time I Stumbled Upon My Sister's Sex Toys?

My sister calls me up after moving out with my brother in law, (then boyfriend), and said "RK, there are some boxes in my closet. Could you just throw them out?" My sister had been dating a guy for five years before she began dating my brother in law, and because I was somewhat innocent I just assumed that this was a box of love letters.

"Oh, you know, I have these essays and school work I want to burn*, why don't I just burn the box with them?"

"No! Uh, yeah, just throw them out. Do. Not. Burn. It."

Because I am a curious little sister, I had to open it. And.. yep, I paid for it by finding a box of a giant veiny dildo, some lube, and a bunch of condoms. Of course, I had to share my horror with my friends, and the best response I got was "why did she get rid of it? I would think she'd want to keep it.."

*I did not like high school

RueMcClanaHamSandwich

@MoxyCrimeFighter Yeah, so since it was obvious that nobody would move and forget their box of butt plugs ("Where IS that consarned box of butt plugs?? Dumb movers. I'm going to sue.") we surmised that he was going to be too embarrassed to open it in his new apartment (he was moving in with his girlfriend, I think) and was too ashamed/didn't have a chance to throw it out anonymously in the old place ("BOB DID YOU LEAVE THESE BUTT PLUGS IN THE DUMPSTER ON PURPOSE?"). Bob didn't HAVE any choices.

RueMcClanaHamSandwich

@RK Fire That's what it was. A big, normal, cardboard box just crammed with butt plugs of all colors and sizes. At first we were like "Who would shove all these weird paperweights in here like tha- oh."

RK Fire

@RueMcClanaHamSandwich: OMG.. can't stop giggling...

I think your explanation would make a great "First World Problems" macro. "Moving in with girlfriend/what to do with my box of butt plugs?"

ETA--you know, like this:

RK Fire

@RK Fire: There is probably a better way to phrase the second half of that, but it's one of my first macros so.. yeah. I'm proud.

RueMcClanaHamSandwich

@RK Fire You are so good at computers!

RK Fire

@RueMcClanaHamSandwich: It's truly a blessing, being able to make such wonderful images and to share them with the world.

RueMcClanaHamSandwich

@RK Fire i just really think if it was meant to be she would have taken him as is, butt plugs and all, you know? sad.

RK Fire

@RueMcClanaHamSandwich: I hear you, and I'm sure Dan Savage would agree with both of us. I mean, Bob must've really liked butt plugs to have a full box.

frigwiggin

@RK Fire Aw, if this actually was the explanation I feel bad for him, that he didn't feel like he could share that with his girlfriend.

KatieBarTheDoor

In my guest bathroom, I have on the counter a small basket of shells that I've collected. I recently went to tidy things up in there and found a giant pile of pubic hairs sitting on top of the shells. I freaked out, husband freaked out. Weird thing is that I found it right after my sister-in-law and her family stayed the night, but I can't bring myself to blame them because... who would do that?? I haven't made up a cool story about the reasoning, and I generally try to pretend it didn't happen, but WHY DID SOMEONE PUT PUBES IN MY SHELLS

eiffeldesigns

@KatieBarTheDoor That is a legitimate and understandable question. Because, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?

datalass

@KatieBarTheDoor I hate to ask the obvious, but your sister-in-law isn't married to Clarence Thomas, is she?

KatieBarTheDoor

@datalass Hah-- no, no she is not.

Hiroine Protagonist

@KatieBarTheDoor An overdue trimming in an unexpected windstorm?

The Hyperbolic Julia Set

@Hiroine Protagonist ....Windstorm in the bathroom!Windstorm in the bathroom! Windstorm in the bathroom!

Hiroine Protagonist

@The Hyperbolic Julia Set A common problem covered up by the fan people to protect their sales.

billie_crusoe

@KatieBarTheDoor That is even weirder than the roommate I had who wiped boogers on the wall. Next to the toilet (and the sink), which was next to the toilet paper.

littlebird

When I was in college I moved into a house with some friends. The house was nasty and we spent days and days cleaning and getting rid of foul old furniture. I decided to save the desk that was left in my room since, you know, not upholstery. But when I opened the drawer I found that it was full of nail clippings, tiny coarse hair trimmings, and crunched up corn chips. I actually couldn't deal with it and just closed the drawer, never to open it again. When a new group of kids moved in after us, I warned them to never open the drawer either (and of course made clear it wasn't MY bodily detritus and smashed Frito collection). It's probably still there.

KatieBarTheDoor

@littlebird Noooo nightmare drawer! I'm impressed you were able to leave it in your room. I probably would have been haunted by visions of little hairy nail clippings or something.

RueMcClanaHamSandwich

@littlebird Oh gosh, my best friend, (the same one I mention above with the butt plugs) once called me upset because she found a toenail in her textbook. I also would have been upset. Also I think she's bad luck.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@littlebird BURN THE DESK. CLEANSE IT WITH FIRE. Why didn't you burn the desk?????

atipofthehat

@littlebird

"Why is this drawer nailed shut?"

"NEVER OPEN THAT DRAWER!"

littlebird

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me I just couldn't handle it! It was easier to repress everything and pretend it never happened. Even thinking about it now is totally grossing me out.

Fodforever

@atipofthehat Right? I would totally glue that shit shut with Gorilla Glue and never look back!

Fodforever

@atipofthehat Right? I would totally glue that shit shut with Gorilla Glue and never look back!

eiffeldesigns

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long, long time. I'm so glad I've never had the misfortune of finding errant pubic hairs in my various homes throughout the years.

I did, however, have a male roommate for all of 30 seconds who would leave his freakin' beard trimmings all over the damn sink and, quite honestly, it made me gag almost as much as pubes would have.

New Commenter Name

@Kirs
I know! Totally cracking up here! Why is gross stuff like this so funny?

Related: Did anyone read the Awl post about Duran Duran just recently? There were some links with excerpts of Andy Taylor's autobiography. In one of them, he describes the obnoxious things they would leave hidden in hotel rooms, just waiting for the next guest to find.

So damn funny. I think I must secretly be about 12 years old.

KatieBarTheDoor

@Kirs I'm curious about having a 30-second roommate?

eiffeldesigns

@KatieBarTheDoor Oh god, I wish it had only been for that long.

madge

@Kirs ugh, i had a boyfriend who would cut his hair, like, every day, and just leave the clippings wherever. behind the mirror on the floor, on the desk, in the corner of the bathroom. i freaked out, but he continued to do it. ugh get rid of your manchild boyfriends, they are revolting.

Verity

@madge My boyfriend leaves his nail clippings lying about (like, on his desk). I have not got rid of him, however, because I love him a lot. But the nail clippings aren't great.

Roxanne Rholes

@Curiouser and curiouser I have found some things! I was doing work that involved moving hotel furniture around, and most Marriott hotels have these secret cabinet things behind the regular cabinet in the TV stand. You can jam things into them through an inch-wide opening, but they're locked. They usually would have cable boxes or modems in them. But we'd also find porn, once I found a pack of stickers (score!), and the best time was when I found a ton of little Marriott toiletries someone was hoarding...like, multiple grocery bags full! the worst was when my coworker found needles AND someone's work ID. What the HELL.

Heat Signature

Anything hair-related completely grosses me out, like the time I found out that beauticians can get HAIR SPLINTERS in their skin and have to pull them out and sometimes they can be INCHES LONG. Or stories about people having hair balls underneath their skin (shivers). I don't even like to TOUCH hair unless it belongs to an immediate family member.

beanie

@Heat Signature yes hair is realllyyyyyyyy gross to me. Especially when I see it on toilet seats at work. Even if it completely long and I know it is not pubes, it still is so squiky.

RueMcClanaHamSandwich

@Heat Signature WAIT WHAT HAIR SPLINTERS?

Heat Signature

@RueMcClanaHamSandwich Like wood splinters, but with hair instead. It sounds like something out of a horror movie, but it's all too real.

Heat Signature

@beanie And if I find hair in my food? I will not be finishing that meal, I can tell you that right now.

littlebird

@Heat Signature How do you get a hair ball under your skin???

okaycrochet

@Heat Signature But how? Are these high-speed projectile hairs? Do people file their hairs for maximum sharpness?

bitzy

@Heat Signature ohmygogohmygodohmygodohmygodhairsplintersohmygodohmygod

gently rocking back and forth

Heat Signature

@okaycrochet Not sure about the how...I do know that it happens during hair cuts when the hair penetrates the first layer of skin (shivers).

Heat Signature

@littlebird The two that I've heard about (yes, I've heard about more than one, which is horrifying) have been a bunch of hair splinters that a barber initially thought was a tumor (it was not a too-mah), and the other one was a ball of hair and some teeth that had formed underneath the skin of someone's forearm (my grandmother was a surgical nurse and she told me about that one, thanks so much Grandma).

RK Fire

@Heat Signature

ball of hair and teeth?
inside of a person?
nonononononononono

shumacumlaude

@littlebird Isn't it like an ingrown hair that just keeps growing and knots itself up? A dude friend of mine had one once and conveyed the experience in gruesome detail.

littlebird

@shumacumlaude A teratoma is different than that (it can have not only hair, but also teeth and even complex organs like eyes) but I have heard of ingrown hairs that just growing and growing and becoming totally disgusting. I'm not sure what that's called, officially/medically.

Is It a Hat?

@Heat Signature Oh god hair splinters! One day I was walking my dog and kept getting a sharp pain in between my toes, so I limped home to investigate. I saw a small brown speck, so thinking it was just a sliver, I took out the tweezers...and pulled out the longest, wiry beard hair I've ever seen. Each step I took was digging it deeper and deeper into my foot! SHUDDERING FOREVER D:

meetapossum

@Heat Signature Because I like gross things, I definitely just watched a video of someone taking out a hair splinter. I didn't even know that could happen!

RueMcClanaHamSandwich

@Is It a Hat? HOLY HELL my first thought was that you kicked Satan's face. Really, how much force/torsion must exist before a hair is driven into one's flesh?

The Lady of Shalott

@Is It a Hat? dear God in heaven that is so unbelievably horrifying. How did you not scream the entire time?

Is It a Hat?

@The Lady of Shalott Not so much a scream but a long drawn out "ohhh myyyy goooooooodddd." I swear I could feel it coming out through each layer of skin.

I should add that this was my boyfriend's beard hair...not just some random one I picked up in my travels. That makes it less horrifying, somehow. RIGHT??

Roxanne Rholes

@Heat Signature Ahhh, yes! Atwood wrote this amazing short story where a woman gets one of these surgically removed, and it has teeth and everything, and she keeps it in a jar and hangs out with it. It's horrible. And it's called "Hairball," if you want to look it up, which you should, because the ending is amazing!

Faintly Macabre

@littlebird Teratomas!! They are as fascinating as parasitic twins! (And re-wikipedia-ing them just taught me about fetus-in-fetu!) Pilonidal cysts often have hair in them, too, maybe that's what you're thinking of as well? Incidentally, Rush Limbaugh claims to have a pilonidal cyst, which is how he avoided the draft.

(And I've totally had the ingrown hair that became a gross knot. It was gross and weird but sadly not as bad as some of the cystic acne I've had. Sigh.)

(Also a cute boy where I volunteer just walked by while I was geeking out about teratomas. Too disgusting for love?)

lenka_V

@Heat Signature I got a hair splinter last week! Ahh! My boyfriend had just had his hair cut and somehow a piece ended up in my foot? But like, I could still see it so I just pulled it out with my eyebrow tweezers. It wasn't too long, maybe like a centimeter. It was more weird than terrifying.

likethestore

@Heat Signature AGGH, I get hair splinters from my dog on my feet all the time, because I always walk around in bare feet and his hair is really coarse and sharp. It is so gross and painful!

Lisa Turtle

@Heat Signature
I created an account just to contribute to this! My boyfriend had to have an ingrown hair removed from the top of his head. He said it was the size of a pencil eraser. He showed me the scar and it blew my mind.

Lucylulu

@Heat Signature When I started reading the comments on this post, my first thought was: I must share the time my husband's errant beard trimming became a goddamn splinter in my toe!

forensicRN

@Heat Signature Oh Yeah! I have a close friend in the UK who had one of these hair/teeth tumours on her right ovary. It has some crazy name but are truly a medical condition. It's out now; along with her right ovary.

yeahiguess

Totally beard!

fabel

I found the accompanying picture pretty hot (look at his beard!) but now all I can think of is pubic hair.

Roxanne Rholes

@fabel I would definitely do make outs with that beard.

Jen Alien-Spouse@twitter

When I worked in a book shop we once found a pile of hair trimmings on one of the windowsills. It was quite a large pile, a good couple of handfuls.

The window wasn't in full sight of the cash register, so it's possible that the person just sat on the window seat and cut it themselves, but it seemed more likely they had brought a bag of hair trimmings with them into the shop and then just tipped it out.

Either way is weird, clearly.

Jen Alien-Spouse@twitter

@Jen Alien-Spouse@twitter

I forgot to say it was mousy brown hair, the trimmings were about an inch or so long and very straight - So we were pretty confident it was hair from someone's head.

StandardTuber

@Jen Alien-Spouse@twitter: It was for a nest, right? Nesting material for the birds that would sneak into the bookshop at night, after closing time.

(I could do this all day!)

TimeLordNinjaWizard

When I was in college I cut a foot of length off my hair. For some reason, I got to keep my ponytail. I decided to take it to show (and hopefully gross out) my then boyfriend. Somewhere between the car and the building, my ponytail made a daring escape. I still cringe to think of some poor college student coming across a random ponytail in a parking garage.

StandardTuber

@TimeLordNinjaWizard: A chunk of hair in a parking garage would automatically make me think someone had made a daring escape, saving their life but losing some hair in the process.

StandardTuber

Ah, just like the time we were cleaning out the desk of a retiring colleague, and discovered the drawer of nail clippings.
I can't imagine leaving that stuff around, not to mention in your desk. What if someone asked you for a paperclip and they went to the wrong drawer?

redheaded&crazy

@Mabissa "Oh I thought you said you needed a nail clipping! ahahaha my mistake! it's the SECOND drawer on the left then."

DulceMeow

Re: hair splinters
I was a dog groomer for years and got so many hair splinters, terriers were the worst. It took about two years after I quit to stop finding little hairy bumps. Ewww

Xanthophyllippa

@DulceMeow BRB off dying a revolted death.

DulceMeow

Re: hair splinters
I was a dog groomer for years and got so many hair splinters, terriers were the worst. It took about two years after I quit to stop finding little hairy bumps. Ewww

FoleySparrow

My mom and I rented a house when I was in middle school and high school from a woman she knew. The woman had lived there for oh 15 years or so with her then-teen daughter.

Well...my grandmother and I were cleaning the bathroom one day. My mom and I were not dirty by any means, but my grandmother had righteous ideas of exactly what 'clean' meant. And sometimes 'clean' means pulling all the built-in drawers out of the custom built vanity and cleaning inside the cabinet with a vacuum. And *what* was behind and under those drawers (but not visible from the doors that opened onto the pipes, because that was a separate space). I'm glad you asked.

Tampons. Forty, fifty, eighty *used* tampons. Seriously. This happened to me! This happened to my poor grandmother. We came upon piles and piles of decades-old used tampons!

I was so grossed out I walked out of the bathroom and ran around screaming and being theatrical. My grandmother put on the long yellow gloves and got a long handled broom and somehow..got them all...out. Ughhhh. My poor grandmother!

I still can't imagine what in God's name that girl was thinking! Who does this, who pulls the drawers out of the cabinet to throw your used tampons back there, and puts the drawers back in!? (I just assume it was the teen daughter, because that's the conclusion my mom came to. It could have been the adult woman. That would be worse! But aren't the teen years so fraught with weird psychological shame and bizarre body issues? Ughh. I wouldn't be fifteen again for anything.)

My mom had to see this woman at work from time to time. We occasionally ran into her and her adult daughter around town. Horrors!

pinniped

This ereminds me of how in one of the high-rise dorms I lived in at college, sometimes fluffy bits of hair would rain down from the upper floors. We told ourselves someone was just giving themselves a haircut...but who knows.

(Not nearly as bad as the time we saw water splashing down from one of the balconies to the ground seven floors below...only to realize just in time it was water being sloshed off the sides of the building to wash away someone's vomit. O college life!)

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