where r u
Scarlett I'm at work I can't text right now
need u at mill
Scarlett I have the baby with me I really can't come to the mill
what baby
My baby. Wade. My baby with Melanie.
guess what kind of corset im wearing
I don't see what this has to do with the mi-
im not ;)
Darling, I was going through some old things this morning
and found Charles’ ornamental officer’s sash
I thought you’d like to have it
So I gave it to Mammy for cleaning and she’ll give it to you later
who is charles
Scarlett, how you joke!
was he that guy
I know it pains you to speak of him — that’s why you act so high-spirited about it, and I think it’s simply marvelous of you. But you don’t have to be brave with me, Scarlett dear.
that guy with like the chin thing
I miss him too.
guess what i turned my mourning gown into
But I know he’s looking after us — always.
i made four backless shimmies out of it
mammy
mammy r u up
What is it, Scarlett
do we have any of that chocolate stuff left
with the swirls on it
I don’t know, Scarlett
can you check
Honey, I’ll get it for you just as soon as the doctor lets me get out of bed
He says the typhoid is awfully bad this spring
what even is typhoid
It’s nothing
I’ve got a little touch of it is all
but I’ll be fine, don’t you worry
haha omg ur gonna get so thin
my waist is like nineteen inches already im a whale
listen to me talking about that chocolate stuff
don’t let me have any!!!
All right
ok no but seriously bring me like one jar
just one though
4 missed calls
ohhh my god she will not stop CALLING
its like
im not a baby catcher ok
sorry ur “in labor” again or whatever
im in labor too
in the fields picking cotton or whatever the hell is growing out of those bushes
ive had like four babies already, it’s not a big deal AT ALL
I’m sorry, darling – I know I’ve been such a bother during all this
I’ll try for Dr. Meade again.
oh my god
who is this
Why, it’s Mellie, darling! It’s your Mellie.
oh hiii
It does me good when you joke with me like this
Everyone else treats me like I'll fall to pieces, but not you.
haha i will be like right there
ashley
ashley
ashley
ashley r u there
ashleyyyyyyyy
(im DRUNK (from brandy))
remember that time we made out in the barn
Scarlett, it’s four in the morning and I have to get up in two hours to run your mill
Please don’t text me this late
oh i sold the mill haha
did i not tell you that
Oh my God.
did you know that pantalets are out this year
that’s why im not wearing any
;)
OH MY GOD
rhett
rhett
Hello, Scarlett
what r u doing
Still in jail, I’m afraid
UGH
i want to go out and no one can go out
I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you, my dear
i am so so so bored
Bored, my dear? With a mind like yours?
That’s something even I can’t imagine.
is that a joke
I can assure you I am quite serious
ur making fun of me
this is exactly why ur not received
Previously: The Return of Ghost.
Mallory Ortberg is a writer in the Bay Area. Her work has also appeared on Slacktory and Ecosalon.
Original image by cinemafestival, via Shutterstock
Perfect.
Ahh! I've been waiting for this since your comment on Nicole's post. It's....exquisite.
@SuperGogo Also, I noticed that Scarlett and Rick's cat are basically the same creature.
caps lock is how i feel INSIDE MY CORSET, mammy
oh my god
who is this
Why, it’s Mellie, darling! It’s your Mellie.
oh hiii
amazing.
love this
This is brilliant. And this incarnation of Scarlett is EXACTLY like my younger cousin. Some things about her are really falling into place for me right now...
MELIS. Where do you go to, my lovely?
GHOST
Scarlett O'Hara and Daisy Buchanan: sisters?
ashleyyyyyyyy
(im DRUNK (from brandy))
remember that time we made out in the barn
All of that could have been texted by my best friend from undergrad, ha.
Except brandy is a bit much, taken straight? Make that stuff into a brandy Alexander or something.
I know you drink on the quiet, and I know how much you drink. Do you think I care if you like your brandy?
(backless shimmies away)
ur not received
i totally lolled. <3 u melis! and evil melis!
I can't breathe. Please begin a series of literary texts. Magnificent.
@LMac YES. Please? Hairpin literary texts written by Melis would make my life.
DONE.
@pterodactgirl
I want!
Texts from Mr. Rochester
JANE MY BEAUTIFUL SOFT DOVE I BOUGHT YOU A DRESS MADE OF TEN THOUSAND PEARLS
where would i even wear that
YOU COULD WEAR IT ON THE MOON
that seems impractical
how would i even breathe on the moon
I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANE
@melis
i heard that noise again. like someone crying in the attic.
IT'S NOTHING, MY DARLING CRUMPET. JUST GRACE POOLE HAVING ONE OF HER FITS. CERTAINLY NOT MY FIRST WIFE! HA HA HA
what on earth are you talking about
NOTHING. DAMN AUTOCORRECT. I MEANT WIG.
why would a wig be in the attic
how would it cry
MICE. MICE IN THE WIG. BIG MICE.
@melis I would like it if you teamed up with Kate Beaton & wrote a book, please.
@melis
MY ELFIN SLYPH FLOWER, I'M SO SO SO SORRY I TRIED TO GET YOU TO COMMIT BIGAMY BUT I HAVE A GREAT IDEA LET'S GO TO EUROPE ANYWAY!
whatevs i'm so pissed right now
don't even start
NO SERIOUSLY I WAS LOOKING AT SOME PLACES IN S FRANCE ON AIRBNB AND THEY SEEM REALLY NICE! I'M SURE WE COULD FIND YOU A SUNHAT SO YOU DON'T BURN YOUR DELICATE PORCELAIN SKIN MY LITTLE MILKCUP.
nope, not happening
im leaving. deal.
MY WILLOW BRANCH MY SWEET SUNDROP WILL YOU REALLY TEAR MY HEART ASUNDER AND LEAVE IT WHERE PILOT WILL BURY FOREVER NEATH THE COLD EARTH???
yup
@melis TEXTS FROM UNDERGROUND. Do it.
@melis et al: Of course Mr. Rochester texts in all caps. Of course.
@melis HAVE I TOLD YOU RECENTLY HOW HOT I THINK BLANCHE INGRAM IS?
not now, i am trying to write a lesson plan
MAYBE I WILL MARRY HER.
INTERESTED?
i really don't have much of an opinion about my employer's love life
it will be nice for Adele to have a mother
WHO?
OH. RIGHT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO IRELAND, THOUGH. FOREVER.
oh
LOL JANE, IT WAS A JOKE! I'M MARRYING YOU, YOU FOOL!
EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE ALL POOR AND OBSCURE AND PLAIN.
HA, YOU WERE ACTUALLY SAD.
@melis I'm a little disturbed because this text conversation sounds like a lot of conversations between me and my boyfriend. but without the breaking up bit, I just mean the 'wildly outrageous love statement' and 'dampening voice of practicality' pattern they have going on.
if you read this, my lovely, I mean that in the nicest way possible!!!
@Verity I CAN'T STOP READING THIS POST / THESE COMMENTS!!! My friends and I were obsessed with GWTW and Jane Eyre in high school, and this is so perfect. This needs to keep happening.
ashley
ashley
ashley
ashley r u there
ashleyyyyyyyy
(im DRUNK (from brandy))
remember that time we made out in the barn
I love this so, so, so much.
I was all ready to be mad at this because I love Scarlett, but then it was too hilarious.
@highjump me too, I think there are plenty of opportunities to show Scarlett in a nicer light... I guess these were the funniest though. because I still love them!
mom
mom
mooooooooooooom
MOM!
what bonnie?
i want to ride the pony
no
pleeeeeeeeease
no, i'm napping
MOOOOOOOOOOOM!! PLEASE!
*sigh*. fine. but don't tell your father
@wee_ramekin Too soon?
@wee_ramekin I <3 u with the fire of a thousand <3s.
loling forever over here (also, i hate texting)
what even is typhoid
What would Scarlett's 160 character twitter bio say?
yesyesyesyesyes
AMAZING! Please do this to every classic book ever. Wuthering Heights?
@RK
heathcliff
it's me
your cathy
i've come home
let me in-a-your windowwwww
@RK
UGH he's texting me AGAAAAAINNn
What? Who, Edgar?
lol wut silly, of course youre texting me. I mean Heathcliff. God why is he so dumb??
...this is Heathcliff.
...wanna hang out?
@RK
Heathcliff?
what
I was wondering, are you going to be home this evening? Because I was just about sort out dinner plans, and I haven't seen you for a few days.
for fuck's sake.
i don't have to tell you anything
where did you get this number?
Heathcliff, I am your wife.
Heathcliff?
OH MY GOD this is where there is internet. All of the internet is justified because of this.
So much awesomeness except that Wade is Scarlett's baby with Charles and Beau is Ashley's baby with Melanie.
@Danica Miller@facebook DAMMIT you're right uuuuugh well Ashley wasn't that great a dad either, probably
@melis Remember how Rhett was such an awesome dad that he joined the KKK so that Bonnie would get invited to all the proper parties? Also, why do I love this book so much?
@Danica Miller@facebook "Hellooo, Mrs. Merriweather."
@Danica Miller@facebook About to comment to say just that! This is still excellent, however.
@Danica Miller@facebook
I feel like Scarlett would still need a refresher on who Wade was.
FOUR backless shimmies!
Every post The Hairpin has done yet has all led to THIS.
Oh my god this is exactly who Scarlett would be if they ever made a Gone With the Wind remake set in 2012.
...Wait, what if now that I've said it, it's going to become true?
@cosmia I would probably love this if it was done by the same person who made Clueless?
Quick, dream castings: who would play Scarlett, Rhett, Melanie, Ashley, Charles?
(let's see if this gets as heated as the Finnick Odair shenaniganry!)
(in a friendly pinner heated way)
@Skooter Or if the screenplay were written by melis and not Diablo Cody, or something.
@PatatasBravas Selena Gomez for Scarlett and J Biebs for Rhett. Imagine the tabloid glee!
@PatatasBravas I will be crucified for this, but...I want Megan Fox to be Scarlett.
I'll just see myself out.
@PatatasBravas Scarlett: Rose Byrne, maybe? But probably Anne Hathaway, because everything is terrible.
@antipretty see to it that you do
@antipretty jesus even i think that's terrible and i never agree with light-melis
@PatatasBravas Melanie = Amanda Seyfried?
@PatatasBravas "who would play Scarlett"
PAZ
@evil melis Is "light-melis" different from Melis Lite?
@antipretty YES because you have to kind of love/hate Scarlett, which is totally how I feel about Meghan Fox.
Or... wait for it... Winona? I miss her so much!
Can we please have Christina Hendricks play Belle Watling? That would really improve my entire life. And I want Jon Hamm to play Rhett. Or Christian Bale. Or Hugh Jackman.
@mlle.gateau How about all 3 of them/ a la The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (except without another actor's death necessitating it =-()?
@New Hoarder AND ALSO IT IS A MUSICAL!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gone_with_the_Wind_(musical)
@cosmia AHHHH
@PatatasBravas OOOOOOH! I always want to talk about this but none of my people care about Gone With the Wind! Are we making ridiculous dream-casts (not that they all wouldn't be, pretty much) or actors that might actually make sense? I think Harrison Ford in his younger years could maybe could have been a Rhett reasonable well but that's probably because Han Solo is basically Rhett. And maybe that Clooney? I don't know... like I said, I never really got to delve too far into it when the topic was brought up in mixed company (by me, obviously).
Also, you guys, I am in a foul mood; maybe I should watch GWTW tonight.
@all Be careful what you wish for...
@annagram Oh. Oh dear.
@mlle.gateau YES, Jon Hamm would be a good one!
@annagram no no no no no do not want, abort abort abort.
I will only support the Melis-screenwritten, Evil Melis-directed, 'pinner-cast version. Even if it only comes out as a youtube series, a Drunk Histories style dramatic reading of texts, whatever.
WHATEVER I SAY UNTO YOU; BUT THERE SHALL BE NO HOFFBOMINATIONS.
@mlle.gateau YES to Hendricks as Watling. But noooo to Hamm or Bale as Rhett, they're much too straight-laced. DEPP. Jackman has potential. Possible Jensen Ackles? (I am having Feels about that boy.)
Can we let Alison Brie air her evil side out and cast her as Scarlett? Please?
GOSLING AS ASHLEY. GOSLING AS ASHLEY FOREVER.
Hrm. Melly. Hrmmmmm. Maybe Emma Stone?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Carey Mulligan as Mellie. Ryan G is a PERFECT Ashley. Aubrey Plaza as Scarlett, and Jackman has the swagger for a proper Rhett. QUEEN LATIFAH AS MAMMIE!
Having just watched "Mean Girls" last night, I now think Scarlett and Regina are incarnations of each other.
oh i sold the mill haha
did i not tell you that
!!!!
This post is why the Internet exists.
This is more a question for a Nicole Cliffe books-related post, BUT it's related to GWTW, so.
Has anyone read The Wind Done Gone? What did you think of it? The reviews on Amazon and Goodreads are not great, but I can't tell if that's because people are being reactionarily racist ("How could she DO this to GWTW?!?!?!?!?) or if the book is actually poorly written.
Pinners?!
@wee_ramekin Actually poorly written. Unfortunately, because it's a good concept and decent storyline.
@meetapossum Argh. That is sad to hear. I may still borrow it from the library, since the plot sounded pretty cool, but thanks for the warning.
Also, it was ridiculous how obvious it was in many peoples' reviews that they hated the book merely because it doesn't portray Mitchell's characters in a flattering light. There was so much "Okay, MAYBE GWTW is racist, but that doesn't mean that she has the right to make Mitchell's characters look bad!!" that I actually despaired.
@wee_ramekin I would definitely suggest reading it if you get it from the library or as a gift (which I did), but don't buy it. I mean, it does give you a different perspective on some of the characters, but it is massively underwhelming. It's one of the few books I left at my parents' house when I moved out, and that's saying something.
@meetapossum Read it from the library. It's not worth paying money for. It's an interesting concept, but...poorly written. And not very good to begin with.
Holy shit this is so good that even though it made my computer spazz out and freeze and I had to turn it off and wait for it to sloooowly turn back on again I still came back just so I could say this (even though everyone else already has.) SO GOOD!
"this is exactly why ur not received"
I am going to say this a lot now.
Please make this 10 times longer! I need more, more, more!
Well this is my favorite thing on the internet today.
@Inconceivable! Probably all week actually.
This was so good it deserves an overture.
MELIS
@The Lady of Shalott FINALLY ALREADY
@evil melis Child brides wait for NO WOMAN.
Not sure if someone mentioned this before... but Wade is Scarlett's baby, not Melanie's.
@NinonDeL'Enclos Someone has!
I have never seen Gone with the Wind guys.
Not once.
(This was still awesome though)
There is nothing that is better than this. This is the best. MOOOORE
So. I got stepped on by my horse yesterday. My ribs hurt SO BAD from laughing at this. It was so worth it that I read it again.
@The Kendragon OMG, totally read that first sentence as "texts from Bonnie" and was ALARMINGLY DELIGHTED at the dark turn this whole comment thread had taken.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Haha Nope, I actually did get stepped on by my horse yesterday.
But I am now dying of laughter, for two more reasons. A. Your delight at the dark turn. B. That you think I'm devious enough to come up with that!
@The Kendragon Besides, Wee Ramekin would've beat me to it!
Love, a million times love. What even is typhoid! What even are candy babies!
Love it but just have to mention that Wade is Scarlett's kid with Charles Hamilton. Mellie and Ashley have baby Beau, named after General Beauregard. Also, what is wrong with me that I know that? Or that her other kids are Ella and Bonnie Blue?
This is clever, funny, and adorable. The illustration, though--what is it? It's like Scarlett-O'Hara-as-Disney-Princess. All the elements are there: the slightly crossed eyes, the long face, and the slight jowls. Has Walt Disney Co. done a cartoon version of GWTW?
If not Disney Princess, "Betty Crocker" also works.
Created some Romeo and Juliet inspired texts:
*Romeo, Romeo, whereforart thou, Romeo?*
Shoot. She’s calling again. WTF? What up, J?
*Deny thy father and refuse thy name;*
Dude. I told you –really thk we shld see other people. We can still be cool, but...
*Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love and I’ll no longer be a Capulet*
I’m kinda seeing this one chick... she’s a Montague so... it’s prolly gonna be easier. You’ll find somebody – don’t kill yourself over it. Ha ha.
And,
Hey, girl!
*How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?*
Yo – Romeo said you was cute, and dat I could kick it wit chu. You down?
*By whose direction found’st thou out this place?*
Look, chick, I told you my boy Romeo said I should try and hit this. Damn – you slow or sumpin?
*I have no joy of this contact to-night; it is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden.*
And you too crazy, bitch. That Romeo is wack. He can have your tired ass.
Hope you like!
fabulously creative. I read this yesterday and was chuckling about it at work today.
Texts between Scarlett and Frank:
S: u left the stupid shop door unlocked again. idiot.
F: Oh Scarlett, darling! I am so very sorry! We are so lucky! Thank goodness you were-
S: save it. lock the door, moron. i shouldn’t have 2 keep telling u
F: You have every right to be upset my sweet. Of course I will! Come home safe to me, Scarlett darling!
S: give me a break. and shave those whiskers before i get home. u look like a carpetbagger
I am so ticked off that I only found this today. Melis, you are a hilarious varmit.
Ashley, you must have been drinking Pittypat's scuppernong wine. Wade Hampton is your nephew by marriage, Scarlett and Charles Hamilton's son. Your son is named Beau. Sheesh!
This just made my life. I am so in love- swoon.
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