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Thursday, June 28, 2012

715

Ask an Indelicate Question: How Do You Go, Girl?

I was recently confronted with A Clean Person Mystery (I'm just like Father Dowling! Except … not at all!) that I was desperate to solve. So I turned to the internet, because the internet is magic. Here was the question as I posed it:

Last night I helped a friend unpack and organize her new apartment; while we were working on getting her bathroom sorted I came across a mystery bottle and asked what it was. (I asked so I would know what category to put it in, which would then determine where in the bathroom it was stored, because when I organize someone’s bathroom for them I DO NOT MESS AROUND. Also she pretty much just set me on the floor with a glass of wine and was like, “Go to your happy place, Joles.” And I did! Man, I really love organizing things.)

Okay so! The mystery bottle, it turned out, was a product that you add to your toilet water prior to doing your business that renders your business smell-free.

I KNOW, RIGHT?? Are you as stunned as I am that such a thing exists because I AM STUNNED.

She got it on a business trip to Japan, she told me, and happily handed the little bottle over to me so I could figure out what in the hell it was/where to get it (other than, um, Japan). Because of course nothing on the bottle, except for MADE IN THAILAND, is in English, and my Asian dialects just aren’t what they used to be. My first move was to take a photo and upload it to Google Images to see if I could turn up the product website. But no dice. So I’m posting the photo here in the hopes that someone will be able to translate the text for me, or knows of a similar product or or or or or. I dunno! Work your magic, Internet!

As it does, the internet indeed worked its magic. It turns out that this stuff, One Drop, is what I was looking for. But oh the fun doesn't end there! Because the internet also turned up a whole heap of similar and/or related products. Just A Drop. Odors Away. Fresh Drop. Poof Toilet Deodorizer. You Go Girl. Poo-Pourri. (The names. We need to talk about the names.)(We also need to talk about the fact that Poo-Pourri makes a Designer Rhinestone Atomizer Gift Set.) 

In fact, the Poo-Pourri was brought to my attention by none other than our very own Jane Marie! Which also brought up something else: why haven't we talked about this yet? Probably the reason is because this topic is sort of a Clean Person thing, but also a Lady thing, and maybe even a Dude thing too, right? And when we find ourselves at the intersection of Clean, Lady, and Dude it means it's time for me to fire up the TLoTH signal and bring in the Trusted Ladies of The Hairpin.

The question I posed this time was a little bit more generic than the last time we got all indelicate with one another, but it sprang from thinking about two things: (1) what else is out there in the Solving Bathroom Issues product category that I don't know about, and (2) to what extent does everyone else have Bathroom Issues? With that frame of reference in mind, let's get to it.

Okay so! There isn't really as specific a question this go as there was when last spoke about period sex. But toilet smells! And sounds! And fears! Do you have them? Do you have a totally healthy relationship to the fact that we all poop? I ... do not. I wish I did! Alas. I also have a wicked shy bladder. Oh God, so many issues.

TLoTH to me.

TLoTH #2: Okay, real talk. I have stomach issues. Never really been diagnosed, but sometimes very suddenly I will have to spend very long amounts of time in the bathroom. Like, once I had to make all my friends get off the subway early and find me a bathroom and wait for me. It took me a long time to get over being embarrassed about this! To that end, pooping in giant, arena bathrooms IS THE BEST. No one knows how long you've been in there! No one is waiting for you! Just sit and poop to your heart's content!
TLoTH #7: I too have toilet fears! The best ever toilet was the one in Japan that plays music and makes noises so no one hears your bathroom business! (It also emits air freshener!) I cannot poo if I think someone might hear it. I have only recently overcome my cripplingly shy bladder but I still have issues.

  • I cannot pee in the ocean or any body of water because I just cannot.
  • If I do it with a boy and the boy's bathroom is near his bedroom and he can hear me pee, I have to turn on the faucet to cover the sounds.
  • BATHROOM FANS. Why doesn't everyone have a bathroom fan? I have been searching for a special bathroom white noise generator but all I can find is the same white noise generator that I use for sleeping.
  • Can normal people just pee and poo even if someone hears them? My ex sure could. But not me. The first time we went on vacation I had to poo in the hotel lobby bathroom because I couldn't do it in the room.
  • I have a tummy disease and I am always afraid that when I say I have tummy problems, people think it is POO RELATED and it's not, it's just that it hurts a whole lot.
  • Have you ever had a colonoscopy? You have to a whole lot of prep to get all the poo out. I don't know how people who don't live alone possibly do that.
TLoTH #2: Oh god bathroom fans! Why doesn't my bathroom have an outlet!?
TLoTH #6: I weep with longing for the bathroom fan in my apartment in Boston. It's inhumane not to have a built-in bathroom fan, methinks.

These are all good things we're sharing! Thank you! Also some good things for me to think about, in terms of offering solutions. (Like? They must make special white noise machines for the potty, right? They must. I will find them.) (Also hey, Jolie here. Kinda hard not to out my TLoTH identity on this one.)

TLoTH #2: Growing up we had a bathroom fan, but any time I turned it on people would hear it and automatically know I was pooping! We just need butt silencers or something.
TLoTH #6: If it makes you feel better, I worry about that people think I'm pooping when I have to run water to make myself pee because of my wicked shy bladder. CURSE YOU, WICKED SHY BLADDER.
TLoTH #7: Since I don't own my apartment and I can't do major renos like installing an actual bathroom fan, I have been searching for a plug in bathroom fan that is both air purifying and also white noise emitting. YOU WOULD THINK THIS EXISTS. But I have yet to find it. I bought a plug-in air purifier once but it doesn't make enough white noise so now I keep it plugged in by my cat's poo box instead.
TLoTH #1: The minute I am alone in the house, my body gets all tingly and decides it wants to luxuriously poop in the glorious privacy. Except, the cat pushes the door open.

When I was a vegan, a relative made A Comment after I used the bathroom before him, and it definitely shame-hastened my transition back to being an omnivore.

TLoTH #5: Co-sign on everything the Trusted Ladies have said. Actually, recently my friend sent out several distress texts about having to poop while the cable guy was taking forever to install in her studio apt. Finally I was like "just go in there and turn on the faucet!" She seemed to be unfamiliar with this technique? That is standard behavior.

I can usually go wherever I have to if it has to happen, but yeah I get a little shy, too. My roommate in college was the opposite of shy when it came to pooping in front of others. I was horrified. Everyone poops, but I don't want to talk about it or share it or take part in it.

And no one should ever make A Comment! That is horrible!

TLoTH #1: RIGHT? Is the social compact not important to other people??
TLoTH #4: I am a two-sided coin:

On the one hand, I no longer fart or address pooping in front of my man. I will pee in front of him since it often happens right after sex and because as of right now we only have one bathroom. When I have to shit at home, I just close the door kind of loudly and he turns the TV or music up or goes out on the porch or does dishes. We've never spoken about it, but it's a very nice symbiotic system we have going.

On the other hand: I can shit anywhere. I don't care. Only when I have, like, diarrhea, do I feel self-conscious, but not even that self-conscious.

Oh, and by "no longer" I meant I NEVER have in front of my man. I blame casual bathroom biz for my last break-up (partially).

TLoTH #1: Oh, I guess that my husband technically saw me poop repeatedly during the three-and-a-half hours I spent pushing his baby out of my vagina, but we do not speak of it.

Hippies like to say "can you imagine they used to give moms enemas prior to labor?" but I totally get it now.

TLoTH #7: I do not think that I will ever have a boyfriend, but if I do, I guess I will take his cues about pooping and the discussion thereof? I guess I will have to come clean about my tummy-hurting issue and that will maybe lead to poo talk. Oh gosh. Better to stay single forever and just die alone with my cat.

Before we turn things over to you all, a few things: I did indeed find a noise machine made especially for the bathroom. However, it is Japanese. Also, I think it would be fantastically nifty if we could help our pals at One Drop get up past 25 likes on Facebook! And finally, TLoTH #2 suggested that we have a "name a toilet smell eliminator contest" in the comments, which I absolutely support because we can be serious and not-so-serious and that's completely fine.

While we're absolutely going to be serious and not-so-serious, one thing we'd all like to ask of you is that you be considerate of the feelings and opinions of others. (I mean, we always want that but sometimes it's good to state it explicitly!) If you're a person who has a totally healthy relationship to your bodily functions that is so awesome! And we wouldn't want anyone dissing on you for that. On the flip side of that coin, if you want to use this space to talk about hang-ups or issues you have, or to ask "gross" questions, we want you to know you can do that without fear of feeling embarrassed or ashamed because of someone who wasn't careful with their words in response.

And when we're all done we'll circle up to sing a round of "Kumbaya" and chow down on some bran muffins.

Previously: Period Sex.

Jolie Kerr is not paid to endorse any of the products mentioned in this column, but she sure would be very happy to accept any free samples the manufacturers care to send her way! Are you curious to know if she's answered a question you have? Do check out the archives, listed by topic. More importantly: is anything you own dirty?



715 Comments / Post A Comment

sarah girl

Well, I'll start - I had a (male) friend in high school who had to be completely naked when he was pooping. Every time!

Dorothea

@Sarah H. my little brother had to take off his shoes/socks until he was 8 or 9. wtf!

Killerpants

@Sarah H. My boyf takes his shirt off. Like George Costanza. I can't even remotely understand this.

iknowright

@Sarah H. This was on Scrubs too! It's a Real Thing, I guess.

gidgetjones

@Sarah H. I don't know if he still does so, but my cousin used to hop in the shower post-poo. No wiping, just shower.

dale

@Killerpants If it's every time, I have no idea (unless he's afraid of getting something on the back of his shirt?). I know for me, if I'm having severe tummy troubles, I get a 'warning' hot flash-type thing about 10-20 minutes before I'm going to need to go, and then my temperature spikes again when I'm on the toilet so sometimes I will take off my shirt at that point to try to cool myself down more quickly. And now someone can chime in to say that happens to them too, so I don't feel like an anomaly.

insouciantlover

@gidgetjones Ugh my ex did that. He also told me that he wiped standing up? And I was like "why would you even think to do that?" He also would only clean the litterbox before a shower, so he'd go poop, wipe standing up, clean the litterbox naked and then shower.

EX boyfriend. Ex.

Jinxie

@gidgetjones That sounds most inconvenient.

OxfordComma

@dale : YES! Me too!!! I am most comfortable completely nude when I am using the loo.

Sherbet Gravel

@Sarah H. Wait a tic. I created an account just to comment here. Do people wipe sitting down??? What?! After pooping? After peeing? Everything?! I have always wiped standing up, & never thought twice about it!!! How do you wipe AWAY FROM THE VAJAY if you wipe your butt sitting down? Scootch way to the front of the toilet seat? I am so confused. Does anyone else wipe standing up but me? I suddenly feel like the last (wo)man on earth. My world is rocked.

MissMushkila

@Sherbet Gravel No you are not alone! I do too! It makes more sense to me, too!

rararuby

@Sherbet Gravel I don't sit, I don't stand, I go somewhere kind of inbetween. The only time I wipe my front sitting down is if I'm peeing with someone else in the room (which only happens with friends when we're drunk), because it feels more modest and doesn't involve me flashing my significant vulva at them.

Verity

@Sherbet Gravel I generally stand, but sometimes stay sitting.

vvv
vvv

@Sarah H. I don't wipe sitting down. It's more of a halfway standing up thing. I mean, it's not cute but it makes sense to me. I totally don't 'get' wiping after a deuce while sitting down. HOW DOES IT WORK?

liverwortlaura

@Sarah H. This was me as a little kid, the naked thing. or at the very least pulling my shirt up to my armpits so my belly was exposed?! Still to this day, if I'm very very tired and sit on the toi, I notice i pull my shirt up....

cmonster

@Sarah H. Piggybacking on this -- the other day I walked in on friends having a conversation about crumplers and folders....this is a thing? I proudly proclaimed I'm a crumpler, to everyone's collective horror.

"Don't you like, get stuff on your fingers?" No, I have basic motor controls.

"I didn't know anyone who crumpled after the age of nine."

Someone please back me up here! I feel like folding, while environmentally probably better, wouldn't be enough barrier to not feel the sensations/wetness?

OxfordComma

@cmonster : Crumpler here! I just don't know why you'd bother with the folding. I mean, we're shitting, not creating pretty origami.

Hot Doom

@Sarah H. Psh, crumpling! duh. I think it uses less paper..sort of like how one crumples deli meat on sandwiches to create volume, rather than laying it flat? Deli meat= TP.

lemonadefish

@Sherbet Gravel
How do you not have pee dripping down your leg if you stand up to wipe?? And no disrespect to any of you standing wipers, I am sure you're all doing fine with it, but I had a boyfriend once who could never get his crack clean after pooping, until once he mentioned something about standing up to wipe, and I suggested wiping while still sitting, and after that, he did not have poo smeared all over his crack.
The sitting wipe is achieved by rocking onto one cheek(the left cheek for right-handed persons), and reaching under the cheek/thigh to the wipable area.

Killerpants

@Sarah H. Crumpler! Did not even know there were folders until this thread. I'm with Oxford Comma (you are hilarious by the way. TP origami, ahahhaha!), I can't be bothered, plus like LolaLaBalc said I think I like the volume aspect. It seems more effective than folding, but of course I would say that given it's my preference.

jennfizz

@Sarah H. This was my thought exactly. Sitting allows you to spread the cheeks and really get in there for the deuce. And the pee drip seems like a really good reason not to stand up to wipe.

rocknrollunicorn

@Sarah H. Sometimes, I have to take some clothes off. Usually on the upper half of my body.

Jill_Tata

haha love it!@k

Porn Peddler

I am a raging disgusting hippie with regard to my bodily functions. I'm fairly sure Mister has seen me shit, OH WAIT, OF COURSE, BECAUSE HE LIKES TO THROW THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN AND POINT AT ME AND LAUGH. Also, in the morning, when I'm running off to the porn palace and he's sitting on the toilet with his laptop? I will totally burst in to kiss him goodbye and grab a tampon.

We're disgusting. this is not what young porn peddler imagined love would look like.

Also, a friend of mine mentioned wrapping a hand in toilet paper, shitting in her hand, and putting it in the toilet when using a public bathroom. Is that really better than either holding it or just letting it fly?

TheMnemosyne

@Porn Peddler WHO POOPS IN THEIR HANDS. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT. I can't wrap my mind around this.

fizzle

@Porn Peddler Truly horrifying and worse than any noises, is pooping in your hand.

raised amongst catalogs

@Porn Peddler Oh, what, pooping in your hand, that is totally normal NO IT IS NOT BURN THE HAND FOREVER

Porn Peddler

ALSO: Belladonna just put out a DVD called "How To Fuck" and in it, films herself getting an enema and the resulting trip to the bathroom, loud, echoing toilet farts and all.

slanket

@Porn Peddler You are not disgusting, you are awesome.

raised amongst catalogs

@Porn Peddler Wait, is that to keep the public toilet water from splashing up? But still.

Porn Peddler

@TheMnemosyne I DON'T THINK SHE HAS ACTUALLY EVER DONE THIS. I don't know anyone who has. But she was like "oh yeah of course that's a public bathroom trick!" when my sister said it as a joke.

what. the fuck. y'all.

sarah girl

@Porn Peddler Apparently the thing to do to avoid splashing is to put one or two squares of tp down in the toilet before going. I've never tried it (mainly because I always forget) but it might help?

datalass

@vanillawaif A friend of a friend used to place a paper toilet seat cover on the water (kind of like a pool cover) because he "feared the splash."

evil betty

@Porn Peddler My friend is a poo-catcher. I was gobsmacked when she told me. I have thought on it muchly and realised that she is either a) a poo martyr, because obviously she must value the confort of others highly, selflessly catching her poo to avoid others being upset by the sound of her poo-splash or b) totally batshit crazy. Answers on a postcard!

gobblegirl

@vanillawaif How is public toilet water worse than home toilet water? It's the seat that's potentially yuck-ish. The water comes from the same pipes as yours!

Porn Peddler

@evil betty I have never been upset by the sound of poo splash and I highly doubt that poo catching is about other people.

mynamebackwards

@Sarah H. if I don't want a poop splash when in a public place I just use a well-timed flush. works every time!

okaycrochet

@evil betty " My friend is a poo-catcher." = LOVE.

evil betty

@okaycrochet Occasionally when I've had a few I call her 'poo-catcher' to her face. Luckily she loves me...

Killerpants

@mynamebackwards But but but so many public toilets do the splash-water-everywhere-even-up-on-the-seat thing! And then that water that has been in the toilet bowl which has held a million other people's pee and poo will splash ONTO YOUR BUSINESS.

Killerpants

@Killerpants And also, catching one's poo with a TP-mitt is both brilliant and horrifying. I hate having anyone hear me poop, so public toilet pooping is a perpetual problem. It seems like every time I enter a store like Target or TJ Maxx I suddenly have to poop, big time. Is it the lighting? The air I have no idea. But then public restrooms and poop sounds and AUGH. I'm pretty sure I can't handle the poop mitt though.

the roughest toughest frail

@Killerpants I have to wee every time I walk into a Barnes & Nobel or Borders (when Borders still existed). The air conditioning? I don't know, but something about those stores makes me do the pee-pee dance as soon as I walk in.

Boog

@Porn Peddler You are not disgusting, I think it's totally normal. I sometimes go sit on the edge of the tub while my bf does his business.

sovereignann@twitter

@TheMnemosyne This is something David Sedaris talked about when I went to see him and now I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS!! Then I guess people "lily pad" the water where they just put a bunch of TP down before going? I don't know. What I'm waiting for though is some kind of weird TP tie-in where they have toilet gloves or something. Whereas I think there should just be "Everybody Poops" books everywhere.

That said, I am a courtesy flush girl and if I have to fart in conjunction with pooping, I flush as I go. So you know, a weirdo myself.

New Commenter Name

@everyone
I have to just say I am laughing so hard at these. Everybody has such endearing poo quirks!
But seriously? Poo Catching??
I may look like a grown up lady, but inside I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

billie_crusoe

@Porn Peddler My ex kissed me once while I was pooping, and I just couldn't handle it. When I'm shitting, don't touch me.

ALSO, slightly related: A few years ago, I had to do this test called a defecogram (sp?). Which is every bit as horrible as it sounds, and 500x worse than a colonoscopy. You have to use an enema before you go, which is fine. THEN, they put you on an x-ray table over a bedside hospital toilet, give you a barium enema, and WATCH YOU POOP. Well, watch your x-ray poop, but they're in the room with you, and staring at an x-ray of your rectum while you try to poop. They also make you stop pooping a couple of times to make sure things are working right. Nightmare material, I tell ya. It's super awesome when they tell you, TWICE, "oops, we weren't recording that, so we have to repeat the test." Also, that stuff's like concrete when it dries.

Jinxie

@che D:
Though on the plus side, after that experience I have to assume you now have less issues regarding people knowing you're having a poo in the bathroom.

billie_crusoe

@Jinxie Indeed. I still don't like to be watched while pooping, but it did lower my inhibitions.

Also, sometimes people think it's weird that I talk about my poop test. Whatevs. If we're comparing embarrassing stories, don't be surprised when I tell an embarrassing story. (SO EMBARRASSING. I was in med school at the time though, so I managed to stay cool about it.)

Scandyhoovian

@all this whole "poo catchers are a real thing in the world" situation is NOT helping me with my Handshake Issues, by the way. I'm pretty sure the 'Pin is singlehandedly ruining my future business prospects. I'm already mentally wheezing "noooooo don't shake my hand" and now it's going to be followed with "because what if you're a secret poo catcher!??"

fabel

@che WHAT. WHAT.

OxfordComma

@che : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGH!!!!!

raised amongst catalogs

@gobblegirl Oh, gosh, of course. To clarify: I was thinking about the splash-back factor because I was imagining everyone in a public restroom standing/hovering rather than sitting on the seat (as I do), which would make the splashing more likely to occur.

BishPLZ

I have had my washroom inhibitions gradually chiseled away. Between scouts and adventures to countries without pluming, I really don't give a shit (I'll be here all week...). There's nothing like having iquid cholera shits into a bucket behind a shed to make you stop caring.

carolita

@okaycrochet This is why I never touch the latches on public toilets. I use a piece of TP to touch anything, and after I wash my hands, I use a paper towel or some more TP to open the door with. Egads.

Ophelia

@vanillawaif Sometimes, if I'm skeeved out by the toilet quality OR looking for a quieter pee, I'll take some extra TP and kind of layer it on top of the water? So the pee doesn't make noise, and nothing splashes. It works!

Myrtle

@Porn Peddler The ONLY thing I can think of is that the handpoop would minimize the dreaded public toilet splash hitting your underside. Not to shame any handpoopers, though.

Myrtle

@Scandyhoovian I watched a guy shake my hand and then grab for a sanitary wipe to clean his hands and I thought "Hoo boy," because I USED to be of a mindset that we live in a world of germs, get over it-- but that was two weeks ago, before I read about superviruses and e.coli and out to get me we're all gonna die. Anyway, cranky but cute guy, I get your point now. And the second time he shook my hand, he didn't grab for a wipe, which in that setting, was kind of endearing. PS hand me the wipes, now.

greatkate

I am moving in with my boyfriend this weekend and this exact issue is keeping me up at night. He doesn't care, BUT I DO! I can't make myself not care.

raised amongst catalogs

@greatkate AHHH! Yes, all of that. I moved in with mine -- we're both in our mid-30s. How can I not just deal with the bodily functions? I do a courtesy thing where I turn on music when I know what he's doing but it's not reciprocated! How many times a day can I make him think I'm just washing my face?!

themmases

@vanillawaif My boyfriend specifically asked me to turn on music while he's in there. Although I feel like if you hear anything, that's the natural human response anyway?

HeyMatilda

@greatkate I dreaded this at first with my current boyfriend but I think once you are spending all your time together, you just get over it. Turns out bf has stomach issues so he was pretty forthcoming early on in the relationship about "bathroom breaks" and I started to care a whole lot less about him knowing what I was doing in there.

Best of luck (but seriously, I think you will just gradually learn how to care less)

greatkate

@HeyMatilda Thank you for the pep talk! I think this might be "real adulthood" finally catching up with me.

greatkate

@vanillawaif I sometimes go in and turn on the tub to "shave my legs" because I am just that shy about it (also, still have to sit down to do that, cannot do it in the shower--is that normal?). Just in case you want something to throw in between face washings.

Jaya

@greatkate I had this for a really long time, and would be on the verge of tears from embarrassment every time I came out of the bathroom when I knew he was waiting for me. Until one day he just sat me down and said, "Hey! I know you poop and I still love you!" and all of a sudden everything was better.

New Commenter Name

@greatkate
My husband once told me a little story about his parents. I guess it took YEARS after they were married for his mom to be able to poop while his dad was home.

miss buenos aires

@greatkate When I first moved in with my husband I would take a minute to pluck my eyebrows every time I went in there to poop. Then when I came out, I would say, "Oh, I just plucked my eyebrows, do they look red?" I don't remember when I stopped doing this, but it was a gradual process.

MissMushkila

@greatkate My boyfriend doesn't get it either. He has a STUDIO APARTMENT where the bathroom is RIGHT NEXT TO his bed. There is no masking sound. It isn't like I'm pooping there often, but I really don't even want him to hear me pee. We are looking for a place together and it is high on my priorities list that the bathroom be off from major rooms. (My current apartment has a mini hallway which connects the bathroom)

Verity

@greatkate How can you not care? I completely understand.

@MissMushkila YES, a toilet not directly next to the bedroom (or whatever) is a must. (I have a feeling I will never be able to find a flat that fits my desires.)

timeywimey

@MissMushkila A while back I nearly peed my pants because I was too embarrased to pee at a date's house, because his bathroom was right behind the couch we were sitting on and the walls were so thin that when he went to pee it was like being in the bathroom with him. I didn't even really like the guy and at that point already knew there wasn't going to be a next date, so why did I even care?!

runner in the garden

You guys, this is why we have PHONES! That play music now! I always read/play with my phone while I'm in there anyway, and play music at the same time if there's somebody outside and the noise needs to be masked.

playingpossum

@greatkate I remember reading a problem page when I was about 15 about a woman whose husband started using their ensuite to poop after years of silent agreement that number twos did not belong in the toilet next to the bed. Now this is the bit I remember most vividly. She said he had "developed a nightly habit that sounded like two fat men jumping overboard from a cruise ship". I think that's a wonderful description. It put her off sex and it would put me off too!

TheDragon

@greatkate I get that. I had a work partner who lived with me in two tents in Montana and has probably seen/heard all my functions. But OH GOD I WILL NOT DO MORE THAN PEE IF THE GUY I'M DATING IS IN THE SAME HOUSE AS ME? wtf, Kendragon?

Verity

@runner in the garden I have an ancient phone that doesn't play music! Also, part of me feels like that would sound weirder.

reburkel

@greatkate i just moved in with my boyfriend only to discover our new place doesn't have a bathroom fan :(

TheMnemosyne

I live in an apartment with two guys where the walls are apparently MADE OUT OF PAPIER MACHE and the bathroom I share connects to the one guy's bedroom and one time he had a lady friend over in his room and all I could think about was "they can totes hear me pee/poop while they're doing it" and I was so terrified and embarrassed that I went to the Super Target six miles away to do my business. Not making this up, y'all.

Also I will not fart in my own home because, again, papier mache walls, and I don't want the boys to find out that girls fart too for some reason? I don't even know.

sidral mundet

@TheMnemosyne Oof, I feel you--my bathroom setup is the same. Except I have gotten used to living with my male roommates and also they're disgusting. So when I'm pooping and there's a lady over I just laugh and laugh and play solitaire on my phone and laugh.

TheMnemosyne

@sidral mundet It's horrifying. I can't even unzip my pants without it ECHOING throughout the apartment. And the bathroom fan does nothing. Somehow it serves to AMPLIFY the sounds rather than covering them up. I don't even know how that's possible.

MissArgentina

@sidral mundet yes! amazing! although haven't you worried about how dirty your hands are from playing solitaire while pooing? and the poo particles?!?

Nutmeg

@MissArgentina One is your poop-hand, one is your solitaire-hand (I use the same trick with my laptop)

travelmugs

@sidral mundet I lived in a warehouse loft with 5 roommates and one bathroom. The rooms were set up more like cubicles: no ceilings. Everyone had to get over any toilet shyness very, very quickly.

Verity

@travelmugs I stayed in a holiday apartment like that two years ago. The toilet and shower were on a sort of mezzanine level, along with a sleeping space, and in addition to the walls not meeting the ceiling, the toilet DIDN'T HAVE A DOOR. It was horrifying.

I smell burnt toast

@Verity That sounds a lot like nightmares I have had.

The Lady of Shalott

@TheMnemosyne My old apartment was set up pretty nicely so I couldn't hear my roommate peeing or anything, BUT the soundproofing between floors wasn't too hot. So sometimes occasionally in the middle of the day when it was very very quiet in the building, I could hear my UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOURS PEEING.

Xanthophyllippa

@Verity I once looked at a room I was considering renting in a house, and there was a bathroom directly off the pantry, which was directly off the kitchen. No doors - a curtain between the bathroom and the pantry, and another curtain between the pantry and the kitchen.

thelittledeath

My male roommate has to turn on the water every single time he uses the bathroom. And it's never a quick trip. And I pay the water bill. But, he'd be mortified if I said anything, so what can you do? Ironically, bodily functions cannot be heard outside of the bathroom. It's just a security blanket for him. Ah, well.

iknowright

@minijen Maybe you could say....hey, are you by any chance taking really long showers? Because the water bill is really high lately, and I can't afford it, and so I'm cutting back my own use of water, and if you could that'd be great! And just act totally unaware about faucet + on = pooping? I always find that if I act really dumb about something when I'm trying to get someone to change it works better than real confrontation if it might embarass/annoy them.

fizzle

Yes to bathroom fans, forever and ever, even for peeing. HOWEVERS. I have recently started living (temporarily thank god) with my gentleman caller, and I cannot poop on the weekends when he is home and we are lounging around, even if I have had my coffee and, you know, turn on the bathroom fan. And apparently this is the case even if he is about to come home. Like, he is not technically there but he WILL BE and he will KNOW. Probably not, but.

Butt.

ReaseRuben

My body does this nice thing when I first meet a boy I like - I become totally constipated in his presence. So even if we go away for a long weekend, no poops. But then, it's also like this kind of major sign of love/comfort when my body finally decides that it trusts this dude enough to need to poo when he's around.

Also, I don't poop in public (i.e., office bathrooms, movie theaters, etc.) unless it's a major, major emergency. My friends make fun of me for this. But that's mostly because I think public toilets are icky and so I squat, and seriously, no one likes to squat while they poop.

MoonBat

@shelbysays I am so glad that I am not the only one who does this! I literally have to eat almost nothing on long weekends with boys, or I will be sick. Ugh. I have issues dating back to early childhood though, where I could not go at school, and would sometimes puke after lunch because, you know, system overload. The doctor's remedy was much, much more horrible (manual extraction, much screaming and crying), so I got past that, but still have issues. No to anal, forever. Woe to the man who ever attempts a "shocker", he will be spitting out teeth.

Hellcat

@MoonBat Oh, I just laughed so loud at "shocker"! Which was a nice tension-clench reliever after reading "manual extraction" because what? NO!

MoonBat

@Hellcat It's...I can't even describe, I'll be in hysterics at work. They apparently make a small ice-cream scoop thing for this procedure. It's like something out of a Saw movie.

Hellcat

@MoonBat OH MY GOD NO OH MY GOD! I am tempted to Google, but I know for a fact that I will be sorry.

At my last gyno visit, it felt like a shocker (TMI? I'm sorry; it was just so horrifying). Apparently, some doctors add a... service to the repertoire once a patient has passed the 40-year mark. This was not received well, I will tell you that much (and no warning either! Just... bloink!. Ugh).

fabel

@shelbysays This is me, except I hate it! Ahh, it's like my body frightens itself into being constipated & that's so uncomfortable for me because that's, um, not my natural state? I'm afraid to move in with my boyfriend because...will it just be constipation, forever?

fabel

Like, will I have to pretend I'm showering or wait til he's out or distracted? How do people become comfortable with this?

living internationally

@shelbysays I have a friend who judges how architecturally significant a building is on his urge to go. He's been in some classy toilets

unfortumissy

@shelbysays I pretended to shower for, like, a year and a half after moving in with my dude, but my pretense slowly become more and more half-hearted, and now I just say, "I have to poop, please don't come in."

Myrtle

@Hellcat This is too politely worded for me. What is this "added service" at the gyno? Please tell!

Hellcat

@Myrtle It seems that some doctors think ladies of a certain age need a bit of... well, a finger up the bum, as it turns out. I will mention again that I was not pleased at this development, and may or may not have grabbed his wrist in a death grip once I realized what was about to happen.

Myrtle

@Hellcat Ah. Must depend on the doc, as I've had that happening to me for a while. Hope they gave you warning- and enough lube. I assumed they were looking for fibroids in the uterus, as they don't go that deep up the backside. I'm very happy to have now had a colonoscopy, which did find a polyp, which was burned off. Piece o' mind, Hellcat! We want you to have many years of Happy Hellcattin' ahead of you.

Hellcat

@Myrtle Ha--no warning at all! Afterward, my doctor said that he decided not to reveal his diabolical plan in advance precisely because he knows from experience how unnerved I am with the regular exam; he figured that, while risky, the element of surprise was the better approach (the fact that he pondered this beforehand is kind of amusing). But, yes, I understand that these things are necessary. Still... ugh. And bah! Someone invent a magical noninvasive way to do this!

frigwiggin

When it comes to toilet stuff, I don't even care. I wouldn't poop with the door open when we had roommates, but now that it's just me, the boyfriend, and the cat, all bets are off. Especially since the cat will stick her paws under the door anyway if I close it, and then she usually grabs the bathmat in front of the sink and tries to drag it under and it's just easier to leave the door open.

Maybe it's taken some of the romance out of things, who knows? I don't like feeling like I have to be embarrassed or cutesy about it. It's a body! It does body things! I'd rather just be frank about it. Plus, there's literally no way I could go without farting in front of him unless I only saw him for five minutes a day. And he farts like he's being paid to do it, so why should he get to have all the fun?

frigwiggin

@frigwiggin Also, truth time: sometimes I can't poop unless I'm reading. Like, truly, sometimes I have to pick up a shampoo bottle and read the words to myself if there's no other reading material, and then the magic finally happens. I guess I trained myself at a young age, sneaking books in and out. I still can't quite bring myself to leave a book in there, though, for fear of water damage, and we receive no newspapers or magazines. So lotion bottle flavor text it is!

Lee Van Queef

@frigwiggin Your poopstyle choices are similar to mine!

frigwiggin

@frigwiggin Also-also. Sometimes my boyfriend will do a funny little hopping dance when he has to fart but it won't quite happen. I call it his fart jig.

frigwiggin

@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas

High-five!

Porn Peddler

@frigwiggin My sister has referred to just going and sitting on the toilet to "let it smell the water!" and then she just shits whenever. I need to know more about alternative poopstyles.

b dub

@frigwiggin seriously, with the reading! I am kind of worse, I do this thing where I pick up a bottle of something and see if there is every letter of the alphabet on it.

bitzyboozer

@frigwiggin Yes, all of this, completely.

WhiskeySour

@frigwiggin Yeah, what's up with that? I truly cannot let loose without reading material. I, too, have read whatever is at hand. "Wash, rinse, repeat? Oh, you don't say?"

I'm just happy that the activity that helped me go when I was being potty training hasn't stayed with me to adulthood: talking on the phone.

kickupdust

@frigwiggin ahh! i also can't poop unless i'm reading! it seems like a distraction technique i guess? like if i'm just sitting there CONCENTRATING there's no way it'll happen. but if i get my brain doing something else then i relax and can go. bodies! brains! weird!

boysplz

@frigwiggin What is it with cats and co-pooping? Since I live alone I just leave the bathroom door open so she can hang with me while we do our business. It's kind of awkward when I have friends over and they use the bathroom and she tried to rip up the carpet to get in there with them though.

Also, if you're looking for good bathroom reading you should buy Dr. Bronner's soap. It's got the craziest writing on it (ALL ONE GOD LOVE FOR HUMANITY) and there's a lot of text. I read it sometimes when I'm in the bathroom.

kickupdust

@boysplz my cat's litterbox isn't in the bathroom anymore, but I will swear that he somehow knows when I'm going and goes at the same time, even though it's in a completely different part of the house. cats! what is this?!

(and yesss Dr. Bronner's! agree agree agree.)

themmases

@frigwiggin Yeah, I would not be able to date if pooping and farting were off the table. I'd have to be uncomfortable the whole time I visited him! I'd have to leave so many highbrow jokes untold!

dj pomegranate

@frigwiggin Re: taking the romance out. I've had many friends say that they don't want their guy to know about their bathroom habits because they want to leave some "mystery" in the relationship. I don't really get this? Because I feel like "mystery" in a relationship is already there-this person is, you know, *a completely different person than you* and you *will never really 100% know them because you are not them*. So it seems like mystery could be found in much more abstract (spiritual/personality/thoughts) ways than "He doesn't know that I poop." Because guess what? He knows that you poop.

Also my cat likes to visit the bathroom when there is pooing going on. He doesn't care if it's peeing but if he senses that you're in there a while doing some serious poo business, he'll come and sit on your feet. It's cute and also weird.

Pela

@boysplz YES that guy/company/family/cult is so crazy and weird! And my cats always used to stare at me when I was in the bathroom - "What are you doing? Why aren't you petting me? Why can't you get up and follow me around and pet me? Dear God did you make that smell? Pet me."

frigwiggin

@dj pomegranate Hahaha, I like your perspective on this. But seriously, is the big mystery in the relationship going to be him wondering, "what does she DO in there??"

I think not.

Flat Tire just wants to be in there regardless of what's going on. Tooth-brushing, showering, toileting...it's all exciting news. Though she does want to check out the toilet bowl to see what happened in there after I'm done, which is something I try to discourage. I have a friend whose cat likes to climb into her partway-down pants, which sounds like a hassle.

dj pomegranate

@frigwiggin Partway-down pants = CAT HAMMOCK!!

boysplz

@frigwiggin Oh yeah, my cat is obsessed with me showering and gets up between the shower curtains and tried to bat at me. Last night she fell into the tub which was hilarious and serves her right for being terrible. Also re:cats watching you poop. I though I might share this

Nutmeg

@frigwiggin I was staying with a friend for a while whose cat would stare into the toilet while the water was running to refill the bowl. It was weirdly adorable, in that, yes, the cat is staring in a toilet, but also the look on his face, where is the water coming from???

dale

@frigwiggin Oh kitties. I think all of our cats like visiting when people are in the loo because they cannot escape! Look, the people are trapped somewhere, which is a perfect opportunity to come in and get petted! My two shy/semi-feral boys especially like this, and will jockey for position to get the most pets from whichever catmom is in there at the time. One of the boys likes to supervise while I'm flushing the cat waste, too.

liznieve

@frigwiggin
Yeah, I totally got over the whole "pooping in front of my dude" after hearing the boyfriend have his VERY LOUD, very farty morning poops. There ain't no music or fan that can cover that sound, whooooo boy howdy. But, he does have such an admirable regularity.. right after shaving! Right before shower! Every morning! Magic!

Also: those cleansing wipey things? That are kinda like baby wipes? Yeah, they're AMAZING. (AMAZING.)

MagicBeanie

@frigwiggin Ha, yeah, what is it about cats needing to watch you poop? I'm an inveterate door-open pooper because of this now.

The then-boyfriend-now-hubs had to get over the fact that I poop, am open about pooping, will poop with the door open, and then talk about my pooping, very early on, because I was diagnosed with IBS ~1 year into our relationship, so talking about poop became a Health Thing, and joking about poop became a Sanity Thing. Also, I probably spend about 2-3 hr/day in the bathroom, & I felt abandoned if he avoided talking to me in the bathroom "out of respect for privacy", so I put a stop to that.

Oddly enough, though, hubs is not at all cool with me or the cat being around while he is pooping, and I respect that.

Sherbet Gravel

@liznieve Just LOL'd to "very loud very farty morning poops."

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@frigwiggin Me neither. I could care less whether my dude sees me on the toilet or not. Plus, like you said, even if the door is closed the cat or dog or both will have a fit at being left out. Plus poop and farts are funny! I would hate to miss out on all those jokes.

zeytin

@frigwiggin Haha I thought I was the only one who did this. I have read the labels on all the toiletries in my bathroom.

littlestcabbage

@boysplz Once, my fella was in the process of cleaning the litterboxes. He'd emptied one and it was sitting in the tub, waiting to be scrubbed, but the other was on the floor with the lid off, ready to be emptied. I suddenly had An Urgent Need and asked him to vacate the premises immediately, not because I'm poop shy but because this was going to be an unfortunate experience for everyone. There I was, mid exploding butt, when Astoria the girl cat with the heinous poops saunters in to confront the box on the floor. We've been having bowel issues with her and I didn't want to, like, scare her into constipation or stress-pooping on the bed or something, so I just sat there, surrounded by my own poop stink, while my cat primly climbed into her litterpan and turned around so there was no way I could miss watching poop come out of her tiny cat asshole. I mean, Jesus. WHAT IN THE. I JUST.

Totally traumatic. I'm big on no secrets between sailors, but holy lord I don't think I ever needed to poop in tandem with my cat.

JaneDoe

@Nutmeg
My cat Bernie thinks I am the god of water. He is fascinated by the faucet and tub and that the toilet flushes.
I have found that he doesn't like baths, but likes to be rubbed down with water.

SarahSJE

@frigwiggin Oh god, I just realised what my boyfriend's been doing. It's a fart jig! I thought he was adjusting his socks or shoes with the little bounces and kicks. He only does it away from me when he thinks I'm not looking. It all makes sense now.

iceberg

I thought this column was going to be about the wiping question I sent in. Oh well!

A friend of my husband's once asked me if I would ever use the bathroom in front of Husband and I was like "uh, it's bad enough he knows I use it at all?" ISSUES. But yeah peeing/pooping is a private thing and I do not want to share it!

Porn Peddler

@iceberg Remember that clean person column about getting poo on the sheets? Was it kind of like that?

raised amongst catalogs

@iceberg Whenever we run out of toilet paper it is a running joke that neither I nor my BF claims to need it for our own purposes. "I'm only going to get more because I know you need it; I don't have any reason to use the stuff, myself."

iceberg

@Porn Peddler No, it was more like, when you wipe, do you go front-to-back, middle-to-front/middle-to-back, or some other way, and are the second group disgusting/ doomed to UTIs forever?

Porn Peddler

@iceberg You should go front to back, but honestly, I generally....dab or wiggle. More than "wipe." It's not like you'r going to drag the toilet paper all the way into your junk from your ass. I've never gotten a UTI from wiping improperly, but I have an iron cunt so...

frigwiggin

@iceberg Oh! I just had a conversation with my boyfriend the other day, where I learned that he reaches behind himself to wipe! Which blew my mind for a minute, when I realized that he has junk in the way that I do not.

breccia

@vanillawaif YES. My bf has bowel issues and has taken care of me through epic food poisoning so we have no butt-secrets. i often tell him that he is the only person on the planet who poops, and that he is terribly inefficient at utilizing what he eats. i also say this to the cats but cats seem impervious to poopshame. if i am near the litterbox they sometimes straight up make eye contact with me the whole time they're pooping, like YEAH, WHAT, IM POOPIN. WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT. they're the worst.

iceberg

@Porn Peddler i dunno, front to back all the way just feels like going against the grain until you get to the between spot TO PUT IT DELICATELY. Maybe my fine china is weird?

datalass

@vanillawaif Heh. We use toilet paper to clean up the occasional occurrence of cat vomit. So, the cats shoulder the blame for ALL toilet paper consumption.

sarah girl

@breccia Hahaha, my cat does the same thing! He usually does it with peeing, though - he'll get in pee position, then lock eyes with me the whole time. Creep.

kickupdust

@Sarah H. I love the hairpin for learning I'm not alone in the universe. here I was just sitting around thinking I had the only little furry creepster in the world.

gobblegirl

@breccia Why haven't you gotten rid of them already? It's not like we didn't warn you that they're disgusting.

Porn Peddler

@iceberg Personally, I dab pee and then use a separate, folded up strip of paper for my bhole. I don't just drag everything back. I am very precise.

byrdfish

@iceberg What about the standing vs. sitting while wiping? Personally, I stand.

Also, hi everyone I'm new. Well, not really, but am no longer lurking!

iknowright

@frigwiggin OH GOD I reach behind myself and I don't have junk in the way it's just...easier? Less likely for drips on hand to occur and cause shuddering? Also, dabbing all the way. AM I A FREAK.

Pela

@byrdfish Welcome! We're talking about POOP today! YAY!!!

Killerpants

@frigwiggin Waaaaait a minute. Doesn't everyone reach behind them to wipe the butt? Some people wipe back there by reaching through the legs? THIS NEVER OCCURRED TO ME. Woooooowwww. It seems so much harder to reach back that way, but of course I would say that since I don't do it.

Man, I am learning so many awesome things on this post. So damn many awesome things.

frigwiggin

@Killerpants @iknowright I have always reached through my legs! Reaching behind sounds like a hassle in exactly the way you think reaching between sounds like a hassle! I always go for the front and the back in separate stages, so getting the front first eliminates drip-worries?

Moshii

@frigwiggin Oh my gosh. Actually you just blew my mind. I always reach around to clean up around there. Then I get some more toilet paper and do the front bum, and then another wadge just to make sure.
This front-to-back debate always baffled me because I didn't know anyone with long enough arms to reach around and scrape from urethra to ass. It's all becoming clear to me now.

MissArgentina

@frigwiggin WAIT, YOU SWOOP FRONT TO BACK RIGHT? never back to front? BECAUSE THAT'S HOW SOMETIMES YOU GET UTIs! That's what my OBGYN says anyway.

liney

@byrdfish I'm a stander! But then I thought it might be weird and sometimes sit. It's so much easier to wipe standing, though. And the reacharound for the poopwipe, of course.

gidgetjones

@Moshii YES.

Also, "front bum" has me chortling at my desk. I'm getting looks.

oneneatcat

@breccia My cat is similar. He puts his two paws on the front of the litter box and poses, in all his cat majesty, locks eyes and freely pees/poops. I've thought about taking pictures.

enantiom3r

@byrdfish When my boyfriend told me he stands to wipe I totally made nonstop fun of him until he was embarrassed and I felt guilty... but he did admit that it makes more sense to sit in public restrooms where people can see through the cracks, so nobody will catch an eyeful of his junk... and then went back to standing because, hey, old habits die hard.

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg I WAS GOING TO SEND IN THE EXACT SAME WIPING QUESTION!!! I wipe back-to-front (or, more accurately, bottom-to-front), because otherwise my anatomy gets in the way and I don't get clean. Unfortunately, this means if I'm not careful I sometimes get a little backdoor mess up in the front door (WHY OH WHY DON'T WE ALL HAVE BIDETS), but fortunately I've had very few UTI/yeast infections.

angelinha

@Moshii I'm still so confused by the front-to-back thing. They say not to do back-to-front but that means "Don't wipe your butt and then wipe your front with the same piece of toilet paper," right? For a long time (/possibly still) I worried that it meant when wiping your front, don't pull up toward yourself...like you should somehow take the toilet paper, start at the top of your vulva (OMG hi IT) and then push down toward the middle? And I knew that would never work so I never did it. But now I think I get that that's not what anyone was ever trying to say. Right?

iceberg

@angelinha this exactly! I thought it was front first, from just behind vagina up towards clit (HI I.T.), then reach round back and wipe ass from just behind vagina up to asshole (HI I.T.), but then they told us at hospital to wipe Baby Girls from top of vulva down towards ass then thru ass, and I worried i'd been doing it wrong all these years...

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg If you wipe your butt first it lessens your chance of contaminating your vulva. But if you wipe your vulva first, the pee moistens the toilet paper so that it can clean your butt better. DILEMMAS.

frigwiggin

@MissArgentina I do now! I didn't as a kid, for whatever reason, but never got UTIs or other problems, and now I know better. But I don't really do it in one swoop anyway? Like jen325 says, I get the pee first, and then when the toilet paper is moist I go for the backdoor. I do kind of want a bidet, though.

fondue with cheddar

@frigwiggin A bidet would solve everything! Not only is it more hygienic, but it's more comfortable and refreshing. And then I wouldn't have to feel like I need to wash up before sex if I've pooped since my last shower.

byrdfish

@liney I used to sit when I was a kid. And then one day I realized I started standing. It is so much easier to stand and wipe! I don't know if it is because I was gifted with a J-Lo sized ass so to lean and wipe seems hard?

byrdfish

@enantiom3r I feel like standing to wipe to a sitter seems so much more unusual than the other way around. I read online somewhere that it really is split about 50/50 though. I feel a stronger connection to someone when I find out they stand as well. This is because each one of my close friends and I have dicussed pooping, its almost mandatory. Ain't no shame in my poop game.

Sherbet Gravel

@Killerpants Oh thank god. I keep reading these "woah, so-and-so reaches behind to wipe, wtf??" and I'm like OH JESUS I DO THAT, I'M A FREAK. But nay. Whew.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@iceberg I go middle to front to #1 and middle to back for #2. I've only had one UTI, so I don't stress about it. Oh, and always sitting.

My dude told me once that his mom wipes from the SIDE and I just cannot even wrap my head around how that works.

OxfordComma

@frigwiggin : BIDETS FOREVER.

I wipe separately, back first, then front, whilst sitting, and reaching around to the side, but only ever on the right side.

It was very befuddling when I broke my right arm in high school.

fondue with cheddar

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Very narrow hips, small ass, short torso, and long arms?

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@jen325 That is not how she is shaped at all. I don't know. Magic, maybe.

fondue with cheddar

@sudden but inevitable betrayal IS SHE INSPECTOR GADGET?

aubrey!

@iceberg I am so glad this comment thread exists. I have ALWAYS gone middle-to-front, middle-to-back and I have never understood how you go front-to-back without either really long arms or weird contortions.

lemonadefish

@sudden but inevitable betrayal
I guess I am a side wiper? Lift up the right cheek, reach under, wipe clit to butt. Is that from the side?

TheDragon

@breccia My cat will lock eyes and hiss if you don't look away. The dog will just hold it until no one is around. Seriously. He will NOT go in front of a human if he can avoid it by any means.

Aggro-Pina

@iceberg This wiping from the front was new to me, too. I think this whole discussion is fascinating and hilarious. I´m laughing myself to tears.

Moshii

@angelinha I just...I just don't know anymore.

I feel like my whole life has been a lie.

Lee Van Queef

There was this girl I knew in high school who claimed she never pooped, ever. She would just adamantly defend this ridiculous impossible thing, as if she could convince someone that she never, ever pooped. I mean, I respect that this probably came from a place of insecurity, but WHAAAAT? How could you expect anyone to believe that you NEVER, EVER POOPED YOUR WHOLE LIFE?

My frustration with this may be compounded by the fact that I'm one of those people who would enjoy openly talking about poop on a regular basis and feels constrained by rules of etiquette which say you are not to do that.

TheDangQuesadilluh

@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas i knew a girl who swore she had no functions like that at all. she said,"that is gross and people who do are gross." she is a vet now.

WaityKatie

@TheDangQuesadilluh I used to have a frenemy who insisted that she did not masturbate, and that people who do that are "sad" and "pathetic." Yeah, we aren't friends anymore.

liverwortlaura

I am also going to join the "don't even care" camp - mister and i practically never shut the bathroom door unless there are guests or we're really needing a bit of privacy. and he recently told me that when i am away for extended periods of time, he misses hearing me fart all the time. cute? weird? i'll take it.

raised amongst catalogs

@liverwortlaura HOW DID YOU GET TO THIS PLACE OF PEACE. TEACH ME. (I was totally going to leave to go grocery shopping but it seems that all my life I've been waiting for this thread.)

Porn Peddler

@liverwortlaura omg adorable! We did not HAVE a bathroom door the first week we lived in this apartment, which might not have flown with a different couple of tenants...

@vanillawaif OWN YOUR FARTS, GIRL. FIGHT THE POWER. SMASH THE KYRIARCHY.

sarah girl

@vanillawaif Your dude will love you even if he knows that you poo sometimes! Which, spoiler alert, he already knows because you are a fellow human. You're doing it in a toilet and cleaning up nicely and flushing and all, there's nothing to be ashamed of. If you were just like dropping trou in the middle of the living room or something, sure, there might be an issue. But it's okay! I promise it's okay.

raised amongst catalogs

@Sarah H. I remember in the beginning of our now 5.5 year relationship thinking, "Maybe this is the boyfriend I'll be able to fart in front of..." but then he mentioned that growing up his mom said that that was really rude and it was the one thing he and his brothers would get in big trouble for doing, and I was sort of thinking, "Well, ok, maybe I'll just wait to see if he does it first" and HE NEVER HAS DONE IT AND NEITHER CAN I FOR SOME REASON.
Also, he donated a kidney a few months ago and they pumped his abdomen full of air and told him he'd be tooting up a storm afterward, and somehow we silently, mutually knew that this would be the one moment in time that he would be doing it but it didn't mean that we were going to start being free about it. I don't know, guys. I don't know.

SarahP

@vanillawaif I've been with my husband for more than 4 years, and I have never heard him fart. I think I smelled something once? But we have really smelly cats, so it could've been one of them.

I, on the other hand, occasionally wake us both up with a loud butt trumpet.

themmases

@Porn Peddler I tell my boyfriend that lady farts actually smell like fresh baked cookies, and it's just the influence of the patriarchy that makes them seem to him like they smell bad.

datalass

@SarahP I think physiology must be a big part of the equation. I've been with my husband for, uh, closing in on 2 decades, and neither of us has ever farted in front of the other. (Obviously we both probably have while sleeping.) On the (rare) occasions, I've admitted this to people, they've thought it was insanely uptight and wrong for all kinds of reasons. But, really, neither of us can remember our parents ever farting in front of us either. It just hasn't been a difficult thing to avoid.

timesnewroman

@vanillawaif Your boyfriends sounds perfect.

theotherginger

@Porn Peddler I've been meaning to look this up for a while, but thank you for introducing me to the word kyriarchy and forcing me to wikipedia.

Jinxie

@SarahP I always assumed all dudes are farty because every dude I've known has been farty but in the year+ we've been dating I have NEVER ONCE heard (or, um, smelled) the Manfriend toot.* He burps a lot, though, so at least air's coming out somehow.
*I, however, am a regular tooting machine. I try to rein it in when I'm around Manfriend but I know I fart in my sleep. (I know this because I have, on many occasions, farted** so loudly I've woken myself up.)
**fartfartfartfart man it is so much fun to type that word over and over again. FAAAAAAAAAART.

Hambulance

@liverwortlaura SO.

BFambulance and I are super easy-breezy about our bathroom business. Well, he locks the door while I only shut it, but we will be clear about it ("Can you pause it? I have to shit.") and we will poop if one of us is in the shower. No issues there.

BUT.

Like THREE YEARS AGO, I need him to do some 'spelunking' for me, on account of a tampon I believed I had misplaced. UM. And he was like, "I think you should go wipe again." I was HORRIFIED. It has haunted me this entire time and I \stress\ about it. So then the other night, I brought it up and was like, "Listen. I need to clear the air here because this is KILLING ME. I am a Very Good Wiper and when you had to go spelunking I was on a lot of pain meds (ovarian cysts! hooray!) and it was a One Time Thing. Please forgive me and know in your heart that this ass is properly wiped at all times."

He had completely forgotten.

MagicBeanie

@Jinxie My dad was the biggest farter ever - like, on long trips in the minivan we would be like "EWWW DAAAAD OPEN A WINDOW" every hour or so, so I'm very comfortable with my inherited fartiness. But my hubs' insistence that "you should be able to hold it till you get to another room" and that he has farted in my presence maybe once in seven years is perplexing and alien to me. Whatevs, he doesn't actually give me a hard time about farting anymore, so NBD I guess.

Hambulance

@Hambulance I felt like this guy:

SarahP

@Jinxie Ohhhh my husband burps a lot, too! (He thinks it's hilarious.) Yes, that must be why he doesn't fart as much?

liverwortlaura

@Hambulance GAH that would kill me too, although I have had the reverse situation with HIM during sexytimes and DIDIN'T bring it up and it still haunts me!

liverwortlaura

@Jinxie yeah, I am also a farting machine. Someday I would like to seriously count every single fart I have. The number would be staggering, I'm sure. In fact, we should all do this. In the name of science!!! Mister is also a big farter, although his are more frequently silent than mine. AND he's a HUGE burper, which I just do. not. get. because I burp maybe.... once a month? if that? VERY RARELY. So everytime he burps I get really concerned that something is wrong, because they sound so crazy, and also, I actually do think there's something wrong, because of a family history of acid reflux, etc. etc.

liverwortlaura

@Hambulance AND CAN I JUST SAY I am so not down with the pooping while partner is in shower - not because we don't poop around each other - but SHIT SAUNA! So not cool!!

rararuby

@SarahP I have some kind of throat 'valve' issue which means I physically can't burp. It's horrible and uncomfortable because I get the urge and understand, academically, that burping feels good but I just can't do it. Anyway, I am the fartiest person I know. The two are totally related.

littlestcabbage

@liverwortlaura I donated a kidney two years ago and any single shred of privacy I had was completely obliterated when my not-yet-husband had to administer an enema to me when I hadn't pooped for too many days after surgery (read: this situation was uncomfortable in SO MANY WAYS). We were never pee/poop shy with one another (and good heavens, I fart so much it's a running joke), but really, "Honey, please insert this prelubricated nozzle into my butthole while I kneel prostrate on the bathroom floor...but not in a sexy way" definitely cemented the "in sickness and in health" thing we were in for a few months later.

Aggro-Pina

@Jinxie In Swedish the word fart means speed. English speaking people are forever amused at road signs saying "FART KONTROLL" (=speed cameras ahead).

sarah girl

I feel a little strange in that I really, really don't care. Maybe if I'm in public and having some, ahem, intestinal distress, I'll get a little embarrassed. But other than that, whatever. As the children's book says, everybody poops! We don't have to like, do it in front of each other or brag about it or anything, but I don't think it needs to be a big hidden thing.

The uber-feminist side of me also wants us ladies to own up to our bodily functions! The whole "girls don't poop/fart" idea is silly and anxiety-producing, and leads to all sorts of issues of sneaking around, feeling inferior or gross and actual physical pain. Again - we're all humans. We all ingest food, and the remains of that food has to exit our bodies. Don't let society/stereotypes tell you that women should be ashamed of a very basic biological function.

meetapossum

@Sarah H. Ditto. It helps that all my friends will openly talk about it. Everybody poops! If you gotta go, you gotta go!, etc.

iceberg

@Sarah H. I sing "Everybody Hurts" by REM to my babies except I change it to "Everybody poops, everybody cries. Everybody poops, sometimes."

anachronistique

@Sarah H. Yeah, while I don't live up to my hippie parents' "leave the door wide open" levels, I just... don't really care.

Porn Peddler

@Sarah H. Where's the pinner who tweets about poop all the time? Girl I see you, I know you here...

madge

@Sarah H. totally with you on this.

i'm not, however, at the point where i want to poop with the bathroom door open. i will pee with someone else in the room, occasionally, but, to me, pooping is like picking one's nose -- private time.

also, i don't linger over poos. i wait until it's all systems go and then i go. 2 minutes in there, tops. (except, you know, awful never-ending sick times poos.)

entangled

@Sarah H. This is totally how I feel. I'm just not really a fan of feeling shame in general, and I think women feel shame over pooping a lot more than men do. I refuse to be ashamed of anything that is a basic part of being alive - breathing, eating, pooping, peeing. Whatever - this shit is necessary.

Not that I never had hangups about this shit, but I can trace back to the moment at age 17 when I realized that I was making myself physically uncomfortable by imposing these rules on myself. I mean, it still sucks if there's a bunch of people who can hear you right outside the bathroom, or someone waiting to use it. But air freshener, closed doors, and admitting that bodies do body things go a long way.

sarah girl

@madge I feel similarly - I do like privacy (let's be real, sometimes it isn't pretty) so a closed door is nice, but that's more about people seeing me? I don't really care if they hear stuff.

I am also all about the speed - I realize I'm very lucky to have a nicely-moving digestive system, but still, yeah. Also, how do people sit on the toilet forever and read/internet/etc.? My legs fall asleep after like three minutes!

lesimon

@Sarah H I agree that there's a feminist part of me that's uncomfortable with the whole "girls don't poop" notion. Not individuals who feel that way (a bit poop-shy, myself), but in society making us feel that way. I read an interesting book a while back that attributed the rise of anorexia in Victorian teenager girls in part to the anxiety that taking IN food acknowledges that you have to put waste OUT and so girls would just completely stop eating since body functions were soooo shameful back then.

martinipie

@Sarah H. Me too, on all of the above. It also doesn't help that my three best friends all love poop and fart jokes as much as I do. Sometimes I forget others are Not Like Us and people look at us funny in public...

redheaded&crazy

@arrr starr I don't WANT to be ashamed of pooping! I just find it embarrassing and I don't know how to stop! Oh brother.

dj pomegranate

@everyone Yesssss, I just simply Do Not Get the societal lady-poop-shame, on a very fundamental level. Like, I'm not a fan of fart/poo jokes, and I'm not going to go out of my way to exhibit out my bathroom activities, but shame? Whaaaa? Why? Because you're like EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET?

entangled

@redheaded&crazie no, I get that. I am not really ashamed but I am definitely shyer around coworkers and acquaintances than I am around family or friends. There's a scale of how much I'm willing to share or announce (in my family "I am going to go take a big shit now" is totally cool. would NEVER say that as I got up from my desk at work!). But I do feel like a lot of people are embarrassed because they think they other people are embarrassed and that thus they should be. I think creating an environment that discourages shame and embarrassment goes a lot way to actually making people more comfortable.

Jolie Kerr

Just a reminder to mind your words - some of you are coming across as shaming those who don't share your level of comfort with bodily functions.

redheaded&crazy

@arrr starr yes .. the shame circle of doom. I don't know. At work there are only two bathroom stalls and I work in a very small office and ugh I don't know it just botherssss meeeeeeeee

entangled

@redheaded&crazie yeah, it is tougher at work. when I worked in an office where the whole floor was coworkers, then there seemed to be an unspoken system of "wait until no one who saw you go in can hear you" in place so that people could go as long as it was semi-anonymous. now I work in a building where multiple office suites share a hallway bathroom. much better, since I feel no need to be overly shy in front of someone else's coworkers.

and crap, I really wouldn't want to shame anyone for being less comfortable. The IDEA of being ashamed of this stuff bothers me, and I think swearing off that shame helps, but at the same time, it comes from a legit place and it is totally OK to think that bodily business is not news to broadcast. I would certainly not want anyone to end up in the shame circle of doom with on top of that the shame ABOUT feeling that shame. which reminds me of so many other threads (raising children, body image) where women not only feel a pressure to feel a certain way but also feel ashamed of feeling that pressure.

anachronistique

@lesimon This plus the diet posts plus the one yesterday about glitzed-up ladies in Dallas is kind of pushing all of my buttons about femininity and gender performance and makes me want to start throwing cupcakes at passersby or something.

I think I need a nap. Or a beer.

dj pomegranate

@arrr starr @redheaded&crazie I think "embarrassed" and "feeling shame because society says ladies shouldn't poop" are two different things...

Aaaaannnd I started trying to differentiate between the two when I saw that @arr starr said it way better than I did, so I'm just gonna agree with this: "I would certainly not want anyone to end up in the shame circle of doom with on top of that the shame ABOUT feeling that shame."

It seems like there's sort of "politeness" embarassment, which in my mind falls under general consideration of other people ("Poop can be pretty stinky and gross and people shouldn't have to deal with it more than the want to or have to!") and "societal lady shame" ("Ladies don't have bodily functions, that's for the Manly Men!")

lermworm

@arrr starr Own your poop guys! I'm excited that this comic is finally relevant.
http://lermworm.tumblr.com/post/17781979187/the-bald-spot-2012

anachronistique

@dj pomegranate This is what I was trying to get at and failed to actually say. And now I am going to abandon this post because I realized it's 1:40 and I never ate lunch and it will not go well with these comments.

PistolPackinMama

@Sarah H. Tycho Brae died because he couldn't get up from the banquet table to go pee because Royalty Was Present. Apparently his bladder perforated.

Let that be a lesson to us all!

Jinxie

@PistolPackinMama This is the worst thing to read right now because I am stuck on a seemingly never ending conference call and I really have to pee. :(

hotdog

@Jinxie Don't worry! They think it was uremia, but it could also have been the incredibly high levels of mercury. Have you also been eating old thermometers?

Jinxie

@hotdog Uh...[pauses mid-crunch]...noooo? [spits out silver glob] Why? Is that...um...bad?

Xanthophyllippa

@Sarah H. It took me forever and a day to be able to pee, even, with a colleague in the women's room at work with me; I still can't poop if there's someone else I might know in another stall. I mean, I'll poop, but I won't come out until the other person has left and had ample time to walk down the hall. And while I can pee and talk to my boss at the same time, if we are headed out to lunch or going somewhere and I have to poop first, I'll make a point of telling her I'll meet her in the lobby, then going to a bathroom on a completely different floor of the building just so she's not in there with me. TOO embarrassing.

@hotdog I think "Have you also been eating old thermometers?" is perhaps the most hilarious thing I have ever read on this website, and given the jizzcliner and the used bike shorts, that's saying a LOT.

Marquis of Hartington

@lesimon You can't just leave that here and not tell us the title/author of the book!!!

gobblegirl

I am very glad that my current manfriend has no qualms about going to the bathroom in any situation. He will go at my place and at his place, with the door open. Since nearly the beginning of our relationship! I find it sort of charming, and I just sort of hang out in the other part of the apartment and don’t mention it.
What it means is that I never feel indelicate! I close the door (and sometimes turn on the fan), and I’m already way more ladylike and discreet than him. It’s win-win!
It also helps that I come from a family of a lot of girls, with loose door-closing policies.

olivebee

No lie...last night, I totally was wondering about a "bathroom issues" thread on the Hairpin. I don't know why the thought popped into my head, but I definitely was like "They've covered other gross stuff; will they ever do number 2?"

And then I thought, a. why am I wondering about the Hairpin at 10:30 pm? and b. why am I curious about what others do in the bathroom?

But lo, here it is...

Cat named Virtute

I'm pretty cavalier about my bodily functions. It's the bathroom, man, the code should be that anything goes in there. But I do not feel the need to discuss it. Also, sometimes I get the farts kind of bad (beer, carbonated drinks, and fries/chips seem to make it worse), and I'm kind of self-conscious about that. I am incredibly grateful that my apartment's just-off-the-kitchen bathroom has a fan, and that my roommates don't care that I'm farty sometimes.

Also I've noticed in the last few months that I often have to poop AFTER I'm done showering. Which, wtf, body?

dale

@Cat named Virtute WTF indeed! I have the same issue. No answer for you, though. My guess is that bowels are sometimes malicious jerks.

Lady_Terminator

@Cat named Virtute I always have to poop after a shower or after swimming. I think water just relaxes our bowels and makes it easier to poo.

Xanthophyllippa

@Lady_Terminator I sometimes jump back in the shower just for a little extra clean.

Cat named Virtute

@Lady_Terminator Oh, that makes sense! Very clever.

applestoapples

The sight/idea of poop in a toilet sends me into a mini-panic (I mean, no one likes seeing a floating turd, but me more than most). When I take a dump, I will never look into the toilet bowl until I hear or know it's completely flushed. Also, I squint while opening public restroom stall doors to make sure I don't get a full view of any surprises.

I also have a friend who insists on immediately flushing so the smell doesn't linger, than saving her wipes for a courtesy flush.

SarahP

@applestoapples I... look every time.

Princess Slayer

@applestoapples This is the weirdest phobia I have ever heard of.

themmases

@SarahP How else will you brag about it later?

glitterary

@SarahP I look every time! But that's only for my own. I have a housemate (PERFECT IN ALL OTHER RESPECTS) who sometimes doesn't, um, use the toilet brush when it's needed, and it's so gross, but I'm too embarrassed to bring it up :^/

applestoapples

@Princess Slayer It's not a phobia. It's more of an aversion. But, uh, thanks? Now I can go on Maury Povich with the people who are afraid of cotton balls and mustard.

iknowright

@SarahP I just had a conversation with my (very uncomfortable and uninterested) boyfriend about how often people must look at their own poop in a lifetime. Then I wanted to do a mathematical equation about how often one looks at their own plus how often they look at others (whether prepared for it, like with a baby, or unprepared, like in a horrifying public bathroom scenario) and make like, a venn diagram with the results and post it on tumblr. He did not think this was a valuable use of time.

kellyannecat

@applestoapples I'm an right there with you on the public restroom anxiety. Just as I swing the stall door open, I have a flash of panic that I'm about to see the poop of a stranger or some other appalling mess.

glitterary

@applestoapples I may be able to look at poo, but I AM TOTALLY AFRAID OF COTTON BALLS. Seriously. Well, not so much afraid as I really really hate touching them and they make my skin crawl. Urgh.

liney

@iknowright The internet NEEDS that Venn diagram.

narwhalsandwich

@applestoapples I lived in a house with 3 other women once and it seemed that on a weekly basis I'd go to use the toilet and there would be poop in it WITH NO TOILET PAPER. And, sometimes, clogged. No one ever confessed to being the stealth pooper. It's a case for Unsolved Mysteries, really.

applestoapples

@applestoapples Yeah. It's a thing I developed in high school when I was going through Serious Stuff, and I remember my little sister would forget to flush the toilet and I would get inordinately angry.
I figure there are worse things than nervously checking for unflushed toilets. My friends joke that I'm checking for assassins.

OxfordComma

@SarahP : Me too!

Xanthophyllippa

@applestoapples I am so right there with you that we might actually be the same person. This is what makes public restrooms - particularly the Minneapolis airport, where apparently NO ONE flushes, ever - such an appalling venture for me.

@glitterary I feel the same way about cotton balls and also Q-tips. I absolutely have to wet the Q-tip before I clean my ears or the feel and oh god, SOUND of a dry Q-tip in my ear will make me shudder off and on for hours. I shuddered just typing that, even.

Squirrelly

I'm having comment editing problems!

I’m fine with peeing. I’m a SheWee/GoGirl evangelist to friends and acquaintances. Though I do hate to hear men pee - it's so loud and I always think of a Marquez line likening it to a "stallion's stream." Barf. Sit down or pee on the [in]side of the bowl.

That said, I have some major poo issues (excepts airport bathrooms – they’re the best at being anonymous and clean places to take care of business).

But do you ladies know about courtesy flushes? Austin Powers introduced me to the concept, and I like it. I have stomach issues and a one stall bathroom at my workplace, and it makes me want to cry sometimes. : (

sidral mundet

@Squirrelly Oh! Is that when you flush while pooping? I thought it was flushing twice because you have an unusually large amount of poop? Or something?

Squirrelly

@sidral mundet Yes, it's especially efficacious to do whilst pooping to cut down on smell and sound. And you are correct that the term can also be used to refer to flushing twice to take care of an unusually large amount of poop.

And I really shouldn't be eating mych lunch and commenting on this thread,

okaycrochet

@Squirrelly Courtesy flushing. YES. This is my life.

LauraRebecca

I work in a house converted to office space, and courtesy flush because my boss always seems to have to go to the bathroom right after I've gone. SO:
poop, flush, wipe, flush again, ideally while the water is still running from the first flush so anyone listening just hears water running for a long time, and not two separate flushes.
I don’t use the fan because it sounds like a freaking jet engine AND rattles so much that the male coworker who has an office directly above the downstairs bath can feel the vibrations.
Why is something so normal so fraught?

MagicBeanie

@Squirrelly On hating hearing men pee: the floors/ceilings in my apartment are so thin that I can hear my upstairs neighbor peeing from two rooms away. I use this sound as an indication that he is awake & would now like to be treated to my operatic Beatles & show tunes shower time medley. But I still hate hearing it and CANNOT WAIT to move into A Real House again >.<

OxfordComma

@Squirrelly : Stomach issues + one bathroom at work = THE WORST.

Xanthophyllippa

@OxfordComma In contrast, I have three within easy sprinting distance of my office: one down the hall and two on the floor below. My office is conveniently located midway between those staircases.

Porn Peddler

Oh I had such plans for today...go to the farmer's market, do laundry, cook...all before work at 4! Make a lube pamphlet! Clean the house!

No, talk about shit on the hairpin. Bye, plans.

PistolPackinMama

@Porn Peddler Someone needs to call themselves "Lube Pamphlet" around here. It's a perfectly 'pinney username.

Xanthophyllippa

@PistolPackinMama I was going to change mine to "Cat Hammock," as per above. I don't think I have the right personality for "Lube Pamphlet."

Genghis Khat

I care so much, but I have so so many poop issues it is terrible. I take Imodium preemptively before dates so that it doesn't come up. With my college boyfriend I only pooped in his house one single time in 4 years and that was because my toilet was broken. I know I need to get over this shaaaaaaaame. But I cannot. No problem pooping at friends' places or talking about poop though.

chartreusan

@Genghis Khat

Imodium preemptively before dates? You just blew my mind and changed my life. How did I not think of this?

Also, related to this whole topic, I have The Noisiest Digestive System in the world. I swear, it just likes to make noise while it's full, empty, whatever. I'm always worried that people think I'm farting, but it's just my stomach discussing what it's digesting. Sometimes I play it off like it's rumbling because I'm hungry because that seems way more normal, but then people offer me food.

julia

I really want to know the origin of Poop Shame. I have had what bf charmingly calls "shy colon" and I do prefer to be alone when doing the biz, but I am able to go at work/do not have to turn on distracting noise, and I have no problem farting horrendously near him or accidentally bleeding all over the bed. So: is this primarily a Female Thing, this Poop Shame?

okaycrochet

@julia Didn't Freud cover Poop Shame pretty thoroughly? Like, we are taught to think it smells bad from infancy, it's a construct, it's perpetuated by everyone everywhere, we all secretly love the smell of our poops/toots but are trained to hate it, etc.?

PistolPackinMama

@julia you know, all I can think is "cholera cholera cholera."

Jinxie

@julia I would have said "Yes, totally a female thing" but only because my brother is LEAST poo-shamey man in the world and I guess I assumed all guys were like that? But I have since met some dudes who insist on doing stuff like running water while they're doing the business, so clearly all dudes are different.

fabel

@julia My boyfriend has poop shame. Like, so much of it, which I only found out about because he also has Issues "going" & would only tell me about it in such slanted terms that I originally had no idea what he was even referring to. So.. not just a lady problem!

liverwortlaura

@fabel also my bestie's bf totally could not deal with shitting in foreign places or with anyone else around and so completely jammed up the awesome vacation she had planned for the two of them, because she had not known how paralyzing his poop issues really were :(

nonvolleyball

ooh, I have many thoughts about this topic.
1) I know it's not as easy as "just get over it," but if you TRY to get over it a bit, you might eventually become more comfortable. because seriously--this is a universal biological process.
2) I also curse the fan-less bathrooms of modern apartment living, but turning on the water works, as does having an in-bathroom radio. or you can do what we do & say, "can you turn on the TV? I'm gonna go use the bathroom" chances are your partner will not be like "OH MY GOD YOU'RE POOPING OH MY GODDDD."
3) pooping-while-baby-delivering aside, if you're in a long-term relationship, you'll eventually experience some kind of dire bowel-related situation (food poisoning, etc.). once that happens, it's easier to be comfortable around the whole issue. for us, it was my then-boyfriend/now-husband's flooding of our guest bathroom the first time he visited me at my parents' (faulty plumbing; not his fault), which included the cleanup of some...toilet contents. we got over it. & it came in handy later when I was hospitalized with a massive abdominal infection & had to say things like, "if you go wash your hands in the bathroom, don't look at the toilet; there's a 'sample' in there they haven't collected yet." bodies are gross, but at least it's equal-opportunity.
4) air freshener in the bathroom is essential, as is owning the occasional betrayals of your GI system. I had an unusually stinky experience the other day when we had a friend in town, naturally, & sometimes you just have to be like, "I'm sorry, you might wanna wait a sec, I don't know what's going on with me today." people can deal.
5) shy bladders aside, there is no reason to feel squeamish about peeing within earshot/awareness of boys. they will pee ANYWHERE & on ANYTHING. it's like sneezing to them; be not ashamed.
6) & seriously, don't be ashamed of pooping either. we all do it, & it's better than the alternative.

raised amongst catalogs

@nonvolleyball "OH MY GOD YOU'RE POOPING OH MY GODDDD"

meetapossum

@nonvolleyball See, I am not a fan of air fresheners because then then room just smells like flowery poop. Just light a match or something.

nonvolleyball

@vanillawaif after I had a bout of diarrhea during a trip with some recently acquired college girlfriends, I mentioned that my boyfriend felt really bad for me--& they were like "YOU TOLD HIM YOU HAD DIARRHEA?!?!?!?" with the level of incredulity that I'd reserve for, I don't know, "I sent my boyfriend a close-up photo of that ingrown crotch hair I have." which baffled me. we were already living together!

@meetapossum I'd still rather have that than poo-smell, but you're not wrong. we had a bottle of Warm Vanilla Sugar body spray in our bathroom for years (someone gave it to me & I felt that was its best use), & now whenever I smell that, I can't help but feel like I detect a hint of stank hiding somewhere underneath the Bath & Body Works fragrance chemicals.

sarah girl

@nonvolleyball I recently got my first *whisper* hemerrhoid (how the fuck do you spell that) due to some bad medicine side effects, and it was super uncomfortable and upsetting for me. My boyfriend could tell something was up, but I just didn't want to tell him, it was so nasty!! But eventually, I kind of stammered it out - and he was fine with it, not grossed out at all. He even had his own story to compare! To be fair, I only told him about it, didn't show him or anything like that, but still. It was an oddly bonding sort of moment, and it was nice for those few days that I could say "ugh can we sit down for a bit? walking is getting painful" and he'd understand and be sympathetic.

nonvolleyball

@Sarah H. this. as awkward/gross/whatever as it can be to talk about this stuff, the stress of hiding it is usually far worse. especially when you're dealing with Actual Medical Problems & not just, "woah, I had WAY too much fiber today" or whatever.

themmases

@nonvolleyball My housemates and I had the Febreeze spray air freshener in college, and now it always smells faintly of poop to me.

Pizzahut

@nonvolleyball I agree with everything you said, especially point 3. My current live-in BF overflowed my toilet on the second or third night he stayed at my apartment, we both quickly got over being embarrassed because it wasn't helping the situation! He has also pooped his pants in front of me. After these things, pooping in a toilet in the same house doesn't seem like a big deal for either of us. Our system is that we proudly announce that we are going to need some alone time in the bathroom, usually with a "Gotta poop!" and the other person retires to a respectful distance from the bathroom.

I used to think that I would never be this casual about the topic, but it is much easier for both of us this way. I also know if isn't for everyone.

sarah girl

@Pizzahut Oh man, yes. I visited my brother and his wife recently, and he proudly told us the story about how they were in Home Depot and he straight up pooped his pants (he was sick). His wife just laughed and nodded along through the whole story. That's true love right there.

beeline96

@nonvolleyball I use the same scent! Mostly because a prior tenant left it in my apartment and we were lacking air freshener one day and so... I totally know what you mean!!

Elsajeni

@nonvolleyball We had a cinnamon-scented candle in there for a while, and eventually we had to stop using it because of that weird Poo By Association effect.

nonvolleyball

@Elsajeni I am quite pleased to learn that this is a Thing for other people as well.

Elsajeni

@nonvolleyball It's some kind of Poovlovian response.

CupcakeTattoos

@meetapossum ok they always go on about matches in movies/tv whatever WHAT IS THAT? Is that a US thing?

Chrestomanci

@nonvolleyball The matches create a chemical reaction or something that neutralises the smell! It is amazing. So much better than the fake floral mixed with poo smell that air freshener creates.

werewolfbarmitzvah

Peeing is no big whoop, I'll pee anywhere and anytime (cue my specially penned Johnny Cash parody song, "I've Peed Everywhere, Man"), but I do have shy bowels. I can go happily at home anytime, but in a public place or at someone else's house it's almost impossible. I've made progress in that I can occasionally go at work in case of emergency, but ONLY if no one else is in the bathroom. The worst is when I'm in the office bathroom and the magic is JUST about to happen and suddenly someone walks in.

One time long ago I spent 5 days visiting my then-boyfriend's family and staying at their house, and I couldn't persuade my bowels to go for the entire fiiiiiiiive daaaaaaaaaays. Then as soon as his mom dropped me off at the airport and I got to my gate, it all came rushing out in a landslide (while I was in the airport bathroom, fortunately, not while sitting at the gate).

Porn Peddler

@werewolfbarmitzvah On the subject of pee: I HATE PEEING ANYWHERE EXCEPT A BATHROOM. Seriously, I just hate squatting or leaning or whatever because I am convinced that my stream is going to go rogue and get all over my feet. This is a function of my clumsiness more than any squeamishness about pee but omg the number of things I have dropped in the last few days, I WILL PISS ALL OVER MYSELF.

SarahP

@Porn Peddler Yes! People think my aversion to peeing in the wild is prissiness, but it's actually just being too aware of my own clumsiness.

Porn Peddler

@SarahP I was always in awe of drunk chicks in college who would squat at the evergreen tree in my front yard or lean against buildings and let fly. I never got it. My friends once reported seeing a girl take a shit against a lecture hall building.

I will never be that much of a hippie, and god, I try so hard.

Jane Err

@werewolfbarmitzvah I can totally pee anywhere, and if I'm outside, I'll duck behind a bush so no one sees, obv.

BUT! Poops. Poops anywhere. Even if there's no chance that my boyfriend could hear me, I still get horrified that he'll notice how long i've been gone, and go "she's probably pooping". I'll totally, like, french braid my hair while in there, so that when I come out, he'll think that's what took so long, maybe. Or i'll make up a story! Someone started talking to me! There's a weird painting in there! No way I was pooping, I only do that in the dark of night, once a month, at a special spa for that kind of thing!

SarahP

@Porn Peddler These girls must be the same girls who hover in public restrooms, or else how have they perfected this self-splashing-preventing squat?

dj pomegranate

@SarahP I hate hate hate hate hate peeing outside. Mr. pomegranate and I had a long talk about this during our camping trip last week when he was all "PEEING OUTSIDE: THE BEST!!!" and I was all, "Peeing outside is the absolute worst thing about camping ever, no question." Because guys, whatever, they just pee! Standing up! Wooo!

But girls have to squat, expose everything IN THE WOODS WHERE THERE ARE ANIMALS AND BUGS AND POISON IVY, risk getting pee on their legs/shoes, and always use some form of toilet paper, which is messy and inconvenient and probably will get on your hands and EW I HATE IT SO MUCH.

SarahP

@Jane Err I love the idea of you coming out of the bathroom with clown makeup or a crazy hairstyle just to hide the fact that you were pooping.

SarahP

@dj pomegranate I have poison ivy on my legs this week, and it is the. worst. thing. I can't imagine it on more delicate areas. Ughhhh.

Porn Peddler

@SarahP I successfully hovered once in a public bathroom, because it was OMG HORRIBLE in there and I had to let everything fly because 400 mile road trip that starts with morning coffee...well...I was asking for it.

sidral mundet

@dj pomegranate Get a P-style! EVERYBODY GET A P-STYLE!

Susanna@twitter

@dj pomegranate I peed in a hedge once, and fell over, so I was sitting bare-arsed in a whole bush of stinging nettles. IT REALLY HURT.

Killerpants

@Porn Peddler Peeing outside is definitely the worst. It is a guarantee I will get it on me. I do NOT understand how people do it, even after getting tips on how best to do it.

Susanna@twitter

Pun not intended

darklingplain

@dj pomegranate I kind of love peeing outside? I'm a backpacker, so I've gotten used to it, and it's so much less boring! You can look around at the trees and the mountains and the moss. And the woods cleaner than any bathroom, most likely.

dj pomegranate

@darklingplain Trrruuuueeee..but what about at nighttime when you have to pee IN THE DARK!? THE WORST!

Hellcat

@werewolfbarmitzvah FIVE DAYS! Holy shit (...or "holy not shit," I guess, would be more appropriate).

I used to hold pee for 8+ hours because the bathrooms at my old job were atrocious. Then, one day, I woke up to a raging kidney stone and a trip to the ER. So I don't hold it anymore!

fabel

@Jane Err Dude, yes. Everything you said. It's not about "omg, will he hear?" but "HE WILL NOTICE HOW LONG I'VE BEEN GONE." Especially because it takes me like, 30 seconds to pee, so even if I'm in there for only 5 minutes, that's still definitely way too long. I'll have to start french braiding my hair!

OxfordComma

@Porn Peddler : Oh, man! I got a rampaging case of the Mufti's Revenge in Israel, and had to pop a lengthy squat in a shed with a crusty, seatless toilet bowl.

Thank GOD there were no lights.

lue
lue

@Porn Peddler
Wait, leaning? How??
Also, I just realized that your avatar is not, as I have thought for months, a furry black smoosh-faced cat wearing a shawl and a bow on it's head.

Kulojam

@werewolfbarmitzvah My ex-husband took my camping for our honeymoon. 12 days of rain-soaked hiking and camping. I did not poo the entire time. Not even a little bit. I wasn't shy about pooping in front of him, it was the hole in the outhouse that got me.

Also, I wore his shoes to go pee in the middle of the night and peed on the laces. He got sooooooooo mad at me. Like, dude? I can't aim mine, alright?!?!

These things should have tipped me off sooner...

annveal

@lue Its not? What IS it?

Plant Fire

@werewolfbarmitzvah I think it's a little easier to pee outside if you stand instead of squat. You just have to spread your legs fairly wide apart so that you don't get any pee on your feet (if you're in a skirt take your underwear off completely..if you're in pants I have no idea. I've had decent success with pulling them down to mid thigh, reaching around from behind to grab the pants and underwear and pull back so that when I pee straight down it goes in front of the pants and just misses them).

oh well never mind

@Sea Ermine Late to the pee party but when weeing outside, stand on a slope, squat slightly and face uphill! Et voilà, no pee on feet. I have perfected this technique through being blessed with a teeny tiny bladder and have to wee all the damn time.

WhiskeySour

I'm sure he'll totally appreciate this, but Mr. Sour and I both have Bathroom Issues. Talking about said Bathroom Issues (because we're gross) has been quite therapeutic for both of us. I guess this started because when we were dating his bathroom had no fan, only a window? And I'd be like "I'm so, so sorry!" and he was like, "It's okay. It's just poop. Poo smells have no effect on my love." And that was comforting to me. We still are not open-door bathroomers, though. Some things are better kept private. But I now have no shame about having a vaguely industrial-looking plunger next to the toilet.

Part of it is that even though I eat a fiber diet, I've never been a frequent pooper. And I cannot poop in a public bathroom. Ever. Which made college with shared bathrooms really difficult. Especially with toilets that don't have a lot of flow? Anyway, the basement of the student center had this barely used bathroom with super-high flush toilets. So I would wake up extra early to go over to the student center basement to poop in peace without interruption. It was some seriously conspiratorial pooping.

WhiskeySour

@WhiskeySour Also: Whatever happened to fragrance-free Oust? For the really bad times, that stuff was awesome.

likethestore

@WhiskeySour Oh god, I think I repressed all my university shared bathroom memories because it was so scarring.

Killerpants

@WhiskeySour Holy crap, fragrance-free Oust! I have been wondering that exact same thing for many years and thought I was the only one! That was absolutely the best and I cannot understand why they stopped making it. I've looked everywhere.

breccia

wait, no, what?! you should be OK farting in front of your dude. i'm down with closing the door for pooptimes, but farts happen! maybe this isn't the case here but no one should hold stuff in to create an illusion that gas never collects in your intestines. i try not to be rude, like if I think it's gonna be pretty bad I'll leave the room or wait till I can get away (like I do with most company), but still... bodies do stuff!! it's ok! his body wants to do it too; once you can do it, he can do it, and then you can both make fart jokes together and be like "you know what I think of her?" *FART* *you both laugh then have to leave the room cause, whoops*

anyway its a level of intimacy that's super relieving (hey-ooo).

werewolfbarmitzvah

@breccia Agreed. If you can't be comfortable enough around each other to fart freely, then it is not meant to be. Oh my god, if I saved up all of my farts for the few moments when my dude is not close by, I would inflate like a helium balloon and sail away.

Hambulance

@breccia We like fart jokes and games in our house, too.

My personal favorite? Fart in the car, roll the windows up and blast the heat.

fabel

@breccia I don't know, I'm just not comfortable with doing that, ever. It hasn't been a strain or anything so far!

fabel

In the car, though? Maybekindof. That's what cigarettes are for, I guess.

Xanthophyllippa

@werewolfbarmitzvah I think there are probably a large number of folks for whom having a partner fart freely in front of them is the sign it was not meant to be, rather than the opposite. I'd appreciate at least some pretense of apology when it happens the first few times, I think; I mean, I can see myself also yelling, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" and laughing like a maniac, but for the most part a simple, "Oops, sorry" would really go a long way towards making ME feel more comfortable being around someone who farts in front of other people.

sidral mundet

Today is the best. I love talking about poop!

My brothers and team sports have made me pretty open about my pooping habit. Which is good because it happens at least twice a day. At the office. BUT when I first start sleeping over with a new boo I get mad constipated and have crazy stomach cramps. Has anyone conquered this??

ReaseRuben

@sidral mundet with me, only time and trust fixes the constipation....

sidral mundet

@shelbysays Trust: booo :(

SarahP

When I first met my husband, he didn't have a bathroom door, just a tapestry hanging where said bathroom door should be. I have a shy bladder, so I had to run the faucet whenever I wanted to pee. Then once, weeks later, I went to the bathroom (just to pee! I swear!) and he called, from the other room "IT'S NATURAL TO POOP! YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUN THE FAUCET!" Apparently he thought I was pooping every time I went in there.

WaityKatie

@SarahP Oh my god, what is this bathroom with no door??

SarahP

@WaityKatie I recently rediscovered that old tapestry in the back of our linens closet and discovered it's quite pretty. In my head it was hideous and awful... I guess because it wasn't a door when I wanted it to be a door? I would've hated anything in those circumstances.

lesimon

I am a Lady, but in college I worked at a boys' sleep away camp (note: this literally the best thing ever and everyone should do it.). All the ladies slept in one cabin with an attached bathroom and then there were big group bathroom deals around camp. So options: poop in bathroom in cabin full of other 8 ladies? Or poop in group bathroom where I can see over the stalls and there are teenage boys?
Sometimes I would set my alarm for 5 am so I could walk out in the crisp dawn and have the bathroom ALL TO MYSELF. It was glorious.

guenna

i never used to be weird about it, but between my co-workers and our only-sometimes-fully-functioning toilets, i seem to be developing quite a phobia about going at work. See, first off, the ladies room SUCKS. the stupid 'low flow' toilets require at least 2 flushes no matter what, sometimes as many as 4 or 5 (which negates the whole point of low flow, hello!). i could throw a small clean piece of TP in there, and it still might not flush all the way on try #1. so I'm CONSTANTLY worried about whether i double checked that, and if not, that someone else will enter the bathroom, see the toilet (that i flushed 3 times already) and think i am a digusting person. and i worry about *that* because i once heard a couple of the other girls talking about the fact that a guy in our dept. (who is super nice) apparently smells up the bathroom, according to the other guys who make fun of him. Which is awful, and i told them so. but this is my WORST FEAR EVER now. that people could be talking about me and my work bathroom habits at all freaks me out, let alone that people could be making fun of me. not that i think there's anything wrong with me, but the functional problems in our bathroom definitley mean there's room for assumptions. all because the damn. toilets. won't. just. flush.

wow, i feel much better now. this eats at me every single day.

gobblegirl

@guenna Oh my, that's horrible. Do you work near a starbucks? Perhaps a twice-daily coffee habit needs to appear.

entangled

@guenna so I am pretty non poop shy in general, but I do have to say that switching from an office where my company had the whole floor (and thus I knew all the bathroom goers) to a building with a bathroom shares between several different companies' suites has been awesome for this. the assumption that it is a stranger in the next stall always applies!

guenna

@gobblegirl unfortunately no... but we do have restrooms on other floors, so sometimes i'll make trips to the lesser-used ones.

Lucille 2

@guenna I know exactly how you feel! At my old office, I sat directly across from the ladies restroom, and got used to knowing when various people's coffee kicked in. It was horrible and gross and really freaked me out everytime I used the restroom, knowing exactly how much my coworkers could hear.

Luckily for me, my new office has the auto-flush toilets with sensors on high alert. It's not uncommon for the toilets to flush six times in one sitting, because I turned my head to check out a split end while I was sitting there. It's a huge waste of water, but the sound drowns out anything and everything.

OxfordComma

@Lucille 2 : Quick fix--place a couple of squares of TP over the sensor. No more auto flush enema.

Verity

@guenna The flush on the toilet in my boyfriend's flat is awful - it often takes multiple flushes just to get rid of paper. Incidentally, the toilet at his parents' house used to be just as bad, but they had their bathroom redone right before he moved out. Worst timing ever.

Xanthophyllippa

@OxfordComma I...may love you for this suggestion. Wow.

OxfordComma

@Xanthophyllippa : It changed my life. Truly. :)

ImASadGiraffe

Are there any good non plug-in air fresheners for the bathroom that aren't potpourri or something? Because my bathroom is in a vintage Chicago apartment building and there are no outlets in there.

sidral mundet

@ImASadGiraffe Matches! I guess with a candle, if you want to be fancy.

itiresias

@sidral mundet We have that in my apartment, but then it's just like "oh, someone shit, burning the poop candle in homage"

boysplz

@ImASadGiraffe I keep my cat's litter box in my bathroom and I bought this bad air spongey type thing at bed bath and beyond that did a good job of covering her (and my) smells up. The pet one is kinda strong smelling for the first week or so but I've used others and they're fine. They last like three months and are all natural ( I think you could eat them and be fine if that's your thing) I really recommend them! Here's a link!

Killerpants

@ImASadGiraffe I second the match burning. It really does an amazing job of killing the smell almost entirely. Plus I love the smell of burnt matches!

ImASadGiraffe

@boysplz I definitely thought of that first but I'm having a party on Saturday (not enough time to order/ship) and realized that I had nothing...so I will get some matches, and leave a candle in there in case anyone wants to be fancy. Thanks 'Pinners!

many things do not fly

My mom has a bottle of that stuff, too! It's called Parfum No. 2 or something like that. Get it? GET IT?

Which is a perfect segue into the fact that my manfriend refuses to admit that women poop. They make flowers. I can't decide whether referring to poop as 'my flowers' is creepy or adorable.

MoonBat

@many things do not fly It is adorable, and he is a Keeper. Just saying.

parallel-lines

Poop aversion is such a first world problem it's really hard for me to not roll my eyes. Like, someone might hear you and think you're a fully functional human being, GASP. Do you think someone with no clean water in Africa is all like, "I sure I hope I have some spray, someone might hear me!"

I know it's an issue for people and I'm not trying to be a jerk, but seriously--don't waste a bunch of water by running it just because someone is too delicate to deal with the fact that you poop. Fuck em, bombs away.

I will say this--people who hang out in communal bathrooms for way too long when you need to poop are fucking jerks. Like, if someone is taking more than two minutes and just sitting there quietly they are obviously trying to poo and don't want to stinkbomb you so LEAVE ALREADY.

Porn Peddler

@parallel-lines YES. I never knew people did the faucet thing and I heard someone do it in my suite once in college and I was like GIRL WHAT. THE FUCK. ARE YOU DOING IN THERE. SAVE WATER, OMG

dj pomegranate

@parallel-lines Yeah, the first time I heard someone say that they run the water so no one hears their bathroom business, I was dumbfounded. I had no idea that this was a thing. Everybody does their business in the bathroom. Sometimes it is stinky business. Everybody should just deal with that? I mean, clean it up, spray some air freshener, whatever, but DONT WASTE VALUABLE PRECIOUS CLEAN WATER in an effort to hide the fact that your body functions like every other human body? I just do not get this at all.

sarah girl

@parallel-lines I will say, I run the faucet if (god forbid) I have to vomit in a public place. Now THAT I know people don't want to hear.

Princess Slayer

@parallel-lines Thank you. Thank you! The only time I have to run the water when I pee is, like, when I'm peeing into a cup for a doctor and my bladder becomes terrified of the cup.

down the rabbit hole

@parallel-lines POOP STANDOFF! It is The Worst.

the roughest toughest frail

@parallel-lines AMEN. Dude, everyone poops and everyone pees. We learned this back in pre-school. Running the faucet isn't fooling anyone.

BuffyBot

@parallel-lines So yesterday at work I went into the bathroom and there was obviously someone in a stall so I went in and worked through my pee-shyness while waiting for them to leave. When she did, I got down to business and only then did I realize there was a third woman and I'd walked in on their poop standoff and then the one woman gave up at the thought of outwaiting two people. Seriously, all public bathrooms need a loud fan or music, I can't take the stress.

PistolPackinMama

@parallel-lines cholera cholera cholera cholera nationalized water as a public health measure John Snow cholera cholera Stories in the time of Cholera by Charles Briggs cholera cholera. Need for clean water being a huge source of mortality in some parts of the world cholera.

Public health.

But also culture!

Poopshame- a really good way of keeping conversation off things like "clean water and sanitary toilet facilities... human right?" Article 44 in the UNDHR... All people have the right to sanitary water and toilets that don't contaminate the water supply?

They are linked.

PatatasBravas

@PistolPackinMama Everything you say is my favorite!

likethestore

I don't even like saying the word poop, let alone talk about the act.

maybe partying will help

It's funny, I will talk all day to my gent (or really anyone else) about period stuff, but the pooping parts are between me and my butt.

maybe partying will help

I do have one defecation-related opinion, however, and it is that I wish squatting-style toilets would become de rigeur in the US. So much easier than sitting!

maybe partying will help

Oh, I also have one good defecation-related story. It is this: once upon a time at Girls Camp (holla at me former Mormon girl campers), someone left a giant pile of nonsense in the Port-a-potty. My mother, being my mother and also a lady who doesn't like cleaning up other people's personal messes, made a sign and stuck it on the door. This sign said BUYOC: Break Up Your Own Crap.

WaityKatie

@maybe partying will help But...what do you do with your pants/underwear? Do you take them off? (this may be the stupidest question ever but I have always wondered this).

Lucille 2

@maybe partying will help I only recently discovered this! One night while reading in the bathroom, I propped my feet up on the front of the sink (directly in front of the toilet) so I was in a modified squatting position, and my knees could act as a book stand. IT CHANGED MY WORLD. So much easier.

maybe partying will help

@WaityKatie

Honestly, I'm not sure how a toilet designed for squatting would work (they might exist in other countries? not sure) but from my (vast) experience pooping out of doors, squatting seems easier to me.

slammysosa

@maybe partying will help
Squatting toilets are SO UNPLEASANT. Especially when you're 17, traveling in Asia for the first time with a large group of your peers and have tummy troubles even in the most ideal eating situations. Ten years later I still have nightmares about holding a squat for an extended period of time over one that didn't have a roof. AGONY.

WaityKatie

@slammysosa I've never tried one of the real squat-toilets, but I always imagine that my legs would really hurt from being in that position? But then I get ashamed that maybe everyone else's legs are vastly stronger than mine/I am deeply defective, because everyone seems to think squat-toilets are so amazingly wonderful.

maybe partying will help

@slammysosa

Oh my, that sounds horrendous. o.O

@WaityKatie

Don't feel defective! I just have found that a squatting position makes the whole business a little easier.

Alli525

@maybe partying will help
Ahahaha I hope the pun was intended.

SuperGogo

@WaityKatie I used a squat toilet for two years while living abroad. There's definitely a learning curve to the correct squat that doesn't kill your legs. The secret is to squat much more deeply than you think you would. Like, your feet should be flat and your shins and back of your thighs should touch all the way from your knees to almost your ankles. You have to be more conscience to lean forward so your pee stream doesn't go forward instead of down, but it's MUCH more comfortable. Also, pooping never takes as long anyway because of giarrdia/dysentary/general developing world GI problems.

WaityKatie

@SuperGogo Maybe you can answer my other queston, re: the pants. What do you do with your pants??

SuperGogo

@WaityKatie They stayed around the ankles...and occasionally got piddled upon. Seriously, even after two year of practice, I would occasionally still get pee on my pants/undies. It sucked.

littlestcabbage

@SuperGogo Here's what I want to know: HOW DO YOU GET ANY READING DONE IN A SQUAT TOILET? Seriously. My best reading is done in the bathroom when I'm sittin' to poop.

Xanthophyllippa

@SuperGogo @WaityKatie When I used the squat toilets in China, I didn't have to squat that far at all -- I just stuck out my butt, placed my feet a little more than shoulder-wide, and squatted with my thighs at about a 45º angle to the floor. Seriously, not only were they not almost touching my calves (I'd have fallen over and landed IN the squat toilet if I did that), they weren't even parallel to the floor - just like chair pose in yoga. Then I'd reach back and pull the crotch of my underwear/pants forward so they didn't get in the way.

The hardest parts were remebering to roll my pant legs up first (because you don't want to trail on that floor, and when I saw the Chinese women rolling up their pant legs I knew the conditions would be far worse than American standards) and remembering to bring a little packet of kleenex in there with me because toilet paper is not common in public restrooms.

And Sour Cream

@SuperGogo I totally agree with your squat posture. If anyone is familiar with how Chinese people squat, it is that. It takes awhile to get your leg muscles to relax enough to let it happen, but once it does, it uses no muscle strength and just relies on physics to keep you up. It totally changed my life when I figured it out, and now I prefer squat toilets when I'm in a public bathroom, cause then you don't have to touch a toilet seat or hover! Seriously, magic! Although, I am pregnant now and am just starting to show. I'm a little afraid to think of how I'll be able to get that low and then get back up once I actually have a pregnant belly.... Also, I put my pants at my knees, and I have never peed on them or my feet?

@maybe partying will help It's basically just a hole in the ground that flushes.

H.E. Ladypants

I have zero issues with doing my business in public in private. It takes me all of ten seconds. Just woosh and then I'm done. Also, I have no issues with my manfriend knowing what's going on.

What I don't get, though, is that when my boyfriend (or other people, I guess) say that they're stomach hurts, meaning that it's time to poop. When I have to go, I just feel like I have to go and it's certainly not my stomach. Do other people really feel like they have upset stomachs or is that just a more delicate way of saying that your bowels are full? An inquiring lady wants to know!

Porn Peddler

@H.E. Ladypants Perhaps something to do with your gentemanfriend's diet...

KeLynn

@H.E. Ladypants - I think it's just a delicate way of saying this. Or, they actually have an upset gut, in which case it can hurt. Even though it's not *exactly* your stomach, it's the general area/category.

martinipie

@H.E. Ladypants Yeah, I know people like this, and people who take forever--I assume its a diet thing also.

iknowright

@H.E. Ladypants Sometimes I have the same...way of going...as you do, but I also think people with difficult stomachs or certain forms of IBS or different diets may have actual painful stomachs. Actually from reading some article's comments on here months ago I discovered that some people do take like 15 minutes to go, so I've recently taken up that technique if I haven't naturally gone before work. In other words, instead of "feeling the urge" and going quickly, I'll take a book and sit in there and it'll happen in about 10 minutes. This is probably TMI, but I enjoy learning about the various ways people do poop things!

WaityKatie

@iknowright I've had stabbing, horrible stomach pain after eating certain foods. Sometimes it's gas, sometimes it's other "digestive issues" but sometimes I get it right after I eat the food, so I can't even poop it out for up to a few hours!

Deanna Destroi

@H.E. Ladypants I do have this issue! Not every time, but sometimes I feel a bit nauseous or stomachachy when I have a major poo on the way. I'm super careful with my diet due to competitive athleticism/a sensitive stomach, so I suspect it's just jerkbowels.

slammysosa

@iknowright Yup, IBD = major pain. The best way I can describe it is it's like someone grabbed by colon and twisted. This is also why, despite having lived with a bazillion roommates and being generally embarassed about it, I still keep a magazine under the sink. I'm pretty sure I read the entire Little House on the Prairie series in the bathroom when I was eight, and old habits die hard.

Jane Err

@H.E. Ladypants I've always wondered something similar to this, regarding Dude Poos. I've noticed (and it may not be universally true. . .probably not) that a lot of dudes I've known, when they have to poo, have to poo RIGHT THIS SECOND IMMEDIATELY HURRY PUT A TOILET BENEATH ME. As if their body had no idea that anything was culminating down there, and then all of the sudden its an emergency.

I don't get it. Don't you know you have to poo!? Why do we have to pull over immediately off the interstate because you didn't realize you had to poo, ex-boyfriend? Like, I can usually be like, hmm, perhaps something may happen within the next hour or two, if I allow. However, if it is inconvenient, I'm sure that I can stave it off until a better time. Pip pip, cheerio.

H.E. Ladypants

@Jane Err Huh. See that's the way it works for me. I don't feel anything (really nothing at all) then suddenly "oh, hey, I have to go." It's much like the realization that you have to pee. Suddenly there's a sensation and it's all "oh, hey, I should do something about this soon." And then I do. And it takes all of fifteen seconds.

The idea of being able to stave it off is so foreign to me. I mean, I can obviously hold my bladder but there is discomfort and really, the longer I wait the worse it gets. My bowels work exactly the same way. I really have no idea how people hold off going for long periods of time without getting terribly uncomfortable. I mean, I know people do but I have no experience with this. (Nor do I have experience with poops that take more than 5-15 seconds to happen but I also take people's word that this exists. Still totally foreign to me.)

OxfordComma

@H.E. Ladypants , @Jane Err: Yup, my body does the panicky poo, too. Sometimes I can hold it, most of the time, there had better be a goddamned bathroom within a 10-second walk from me.

Also, my stomach *often* hurts, regardless of whether or not I have to shit. Hurray for unidentifiable mystery colon problems!

WaityKatie

@OxfordComma I kind of have both? Like, sometimes it's building for an hour or whatever, and other times it just STRIKES, like Garfield's "nap attacks." Poo attack.

OxfordComma

@WaityKatie : UGH. The worst, right?

littlestcabbage

@WaityKatie Yup, exactly. I have had to get off the subway to deal with The Sudden Poops. I've had to get out of long queues to wander down the street and sneak into a bar's bathroom. The best was when the Mister and I were stuck in Downton Pittsburgh traffic on our way to film a scene for The Dark Knight Rises and I had to go, like, immediately. Traffic was completely stopped, so I just got out and ran down the street several blocks till I found a McDonald's open (it was exceedingly early). Unfortunately, Mister didn't have his phone and somehow when I got back to where I'd left him in our car, traffic patterns had shifted and he was nowhere to be seen. I walked along traffic and didn't spot him and we weren't reunited for another hour, which was the point at which he borrowed a stranger's phone to call me. It was bananas. All because of my stupid guts.

In our (nerdy) house, we refer to my digestive tract as My FTL. We are Battlestar Galactica fans. Just as the Faster Than Light drive takes a while to spool up before Galactica can jump, my FTL needs time to spool up in the morning. This is why, even if I just have to put on clothes and walk out the door, I need at least an hour in the morning before I can leave. Gotta wait for that blasted FTL.

iknowright

@slammysosa Oh god, when I have those pains I can't even read! Do you feel crazypants when the pain happens for you? Sometimes it's so awful for me that I start to black out or have to bite something. I hate that IBS/IBD has to be poop related, because I know all the people who don't suffer from it are probably like, "uhh, like....poop makes you faint? Puh-leeaze, drama queen!" But OH MY GOD the pain. To this day I never know if I'd give up IBS or migraines first. Both make me think I'm dying, so it's quite the toss-up.

slammysosa

@iknowright Oof. I've only fainted once, but it was at school, I brained myself on the toilet and my roommates thought I was dead. Do you have the muscle pain after an flare? I swear I couldn't straighten up for a week after that because my guts were so sore from squeezing. Before I got it under control, it'd be an exercise in patience. Lots of hanging out on the floor waiting to make sure my tummy was really, truly done. Hence the library under the sink, and occasionally a blanket.

My IBD is triggered by stress - often times I won't even realize I'm stressed out until my stomach goes nuts - and I've taken antidepressants off-label for the last ten years to control it. My primary care decided to give it a whirl after a particularly bad bout where I got sick every single time I ate happened to coincide with a catastrophic knee injury and my grandpa's funeral. Most other docs I've seen haven't heard of the tactic, but every time I try to kick the Wellbutrin habit my colon tries to pull an Alien. As long as I stay on the meds, avoid trigger foods (excessive grease and cheese, my two favorite things) and accept that some days are just going to be bathroom-centric, it doesn't define my life like it used to.

Jane Err

@H.E. Ladypants, @WaityKatie, @OxfordComma This is fascinating! I had no idea that so many people got poo attacks! I wholeheartedly apologize if I made it sound as if it was something weird and unholy.

I'm so glad we're talking about this.

OxfordComma

@Jane Err : Dude, no worries! I'm glad to know that there are people who can actually poo in five minutes or less...and I'm also RELIEVED to know that I'm Not Alone in the world of stupid bowels.

meetapossum

Oh, I have a pretty good work poop story.

So a few weeks ago I went into the ladies' room to the handicap stall (because it's my favorite), and there was this giant mound of poop in the toilet. Like, little poop nuggets piled up into a mountain. I'm not really squeamish about those kind of things, so I went to flush it, but the poop WOULD NOT BUDGE. Fully submerged in water, but did not move an inch.

A few hours later I went back, tried to flush it again, and it still wouldn't move! What on earth could cause that? I mean, what did that person eat? Glue??

WhiskeySour

@meetapossum I, too, have seen the sticky, unflushable poop mound. The one I saw was oddly positioned at the very front of the toilet bowl. I can only assume a child produced it?

martinipie

@meetapossum My dad has a similar story about discovering a poop mound his grandfather caused, and, being a little kid, could not physically understand how so much poop could be produced. I think mystifying poops are a fact of life!

boysplz

@meetapossum I work in a relatively large office and the men there leave the strangest things in the toilet sometimes. The one that still baffles me is the day I saw a toilet that had been filled with toilet paper with a giant pile of poo sitting on top of it. We have like eight stalls so I feel like there would have been another place to go if the toilet was clogged, but who knows? I still wonder about that one.

WhiskeySour

@boysplz This is so gross, but has anyone else ever seen the aftermath of a full-blown poop-splosion? I remember being maybe at most 6 years old and going off do my business at a store, but everything was covered, literally covered in poo: the toilet, the stall walls, everything. I still to this day have no idea what possibly could have happened in there. I remember running back out to tell my mom about it, and she told me to just flush it. And I remember being all, "I caaaaan't!" because literally the flush handle was also covered in poop. So I dragged my mom in there to do it for me. And she walked right back out to tell the employees of the store the horrors we'd seen. It was clearly so traumatic for me that I remember this 20 years later, but I'm sure it was way worse for the poor employees who had to clean up that disaster area.

FoxyRoxy

Guys. Wow. All of this, wow. I have a bad stomach so I had to abandon most of my bathroom issues for the sake of logistics but I never leave the door open or go 1 or 2 in front of a man. I just feel like boundaries are important and frankly, I don't want to watch a man do these things either. Everybody poops but I do not need front row seats. I have lots of different issues with public restrooms though sometimes I have to ignore them and go to my happy place. I can't pee squatting or standing up because it scares me so camping is not something I ever want to do again in my life. This guy I'm... spending time with is weird. He goes to the bathroom in my guest bathroom even though my bedroom has an ensuite bathroom. He turns on the fan and the faucet and takes a very long time. I never told him to use the other bathroom. I actually love this little habit even though he leaves the seat up when he pees. I don't want him to use my toilet at ALL. It's mine, it's super clean, the seat is down, and only can a man use it if we are in a serious relationship. This felt good.

Porn Peddler

OKAY PINNERS: Do you remain seated to wipe or do you stand up at, as my mom called it, "half-mast?"

martinipie

@Porn Peddler What! Sitting! whaaaat!

itiresias

@Porn Peddler uh, obviously half mast. i'm not sticking my hand NEAR that toilet water.

sarah girl

@Porn Peddler I literally don't understand how you can stay completely seated? Where do you put your hand/arm?! Half-mast here.

martinipie

@Sarah H. Maybe I'm interpreting "standing" too dramatically...I guess there's a forward lean, but you gotta be sitting a little bit to keep the cheeks spread, right?

WhiskeySour

@Porn Peddler I just recently learned that this is A Thing. I am a sit-wiper.

redheaded&crazy

@Porn Peddler do we really have to have this conversation again it is traumatizing TRAUMATIZING I TELL YOU

kickupdust

@martinipie I know right? THERE'S A STANDING OPTION?

I also don't get the squatting-while-going thing... like, the toilet seat is only going to touch you on your legs, as long as there's not visible dirt/poo on there, why?

MoonBat

@Porn Peddler 45-degree lean to the left, I am a reach-around-er. And wetwipes, always (I keep them in my desk and tuck some into my pockets at work, for #1 and #2, I don't like bits of tp all up in the fine china and I want to scrub it all properly).

itiresias

@kickupdust I've always agreed with that, but never admit it because people seem to largely think it's disgusting.

sparrow303

@kickupdust Squatting consistently, no. But squatting in the hideous, befouled Porta Potty at a music festival? Yes and always. And that goes double for the women's bathroom at my school.

itiresias

@fishiefishfish oh fuck yeah. i mean, it's situational. i'm just saying i sit down at like, Target sometimes because, whatever.

dj pomegranate

@MoonBat We have similar styles! I didn't really know there were other options than the reach-around, really...

itiresias

@itiresias music festivals ARE THE WORST BATHROOM EXPERIENCES IN EXISTENCE. only time I've pooped outside was at Camp Bisco, you guys, it was horrifying. and by "it" i mean the conditions that drove me to poop outside.

Once at Bonnaroo I was changing a tampon in a portapotty and heard a person vomiting in the one next to me and FELT THE SHAKING AND HEARD NOISES OF people having sex in the OTHER one next to me. i've referenced that many a time as my all time low in life.

dale

@MoonBat Leaning ftw! Except at work, with our ultra-sensitive oh-you-moved-1-cm automatic toilets, then you end up with a toilet flush before you wanted it.

Megasus

@Porn Peddler It depends!

dj pomegranate

@itiresias HOW CAN YOU HAVE SEX IN A PORTA POTTY what is that i cant even

Killerpants

@Porn Peddler Leaning sideways while sitting! Occasionally half-mast (ahhahahahha love that).

Sex in a porta potty is my personal vision of hell. If there were a 3rd person in there chewing food loudly and smacking their lips, it would complete the complete picture of All The Most Horrible Things.

KeLynn

@Porn Peddler - "half mast" entirely. I don't understand how to keep sitting while I wipe. It's not just leaning forward. But it's not fully standing. It's like...in the middle? My ass is entirely off the seat.

expattycake

@WhiskeySour Seriously, I literally just found out people wipe while standing when for whatever reason it came up in a conversation with my husband. I was like "Can you even do that? Don't things... clench together?" It helps that over here there is very little water in the bowl and instead it gets pumped through when you flush. (Which for the record does a much better job than the swirly water style toilets.)

New Commenter Name

@itiresias
Sex in the portapotty at Bonnarroo? What now? That's ...that's... okay there are no words.
Music festival bathrooms are like the most disgusting horrifying cesspools.

OxfordComma

@Curiouser and curiouser @itiresias : People do this at Renaissance Faire, too, WTF.

OhMarie

@Porn Peddler I definitely sit, but my husband stands ALL THE WAY UP AND TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE TOILET WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING.

martinipie

OK, I think it is safe to say TMI is no longer an issue...anyway, do people have "poop schedules" like I do? It's almost always at the same times, multiple times per day. I do not understand people who are like "Yeah, I haven't pooped in a couple days" like it's nbd. It's not even an option for my body! Maybe it's all the fruit and veg I eat?!

themmases

@martinipie Yeah, I have a specific time right after I get home from work... I wish I could change it so it wouldn't be almost time when I'm still working. Except, I will end up skipping sometimes if that schedule is thrown off, when on vacation or on the weekends.

dj pomegranate

@martinipie I am also like this! But my mom is not...she doesn't poo if super-stressed or traveling--like DAYS. Days! I don't understand this; does it mean you digest slower, or does it all just hang out waiting for Home Bathroom? Bodies, they are weird!

sarah girl

@dj pomegranate I don't get it either, but I do know that when I went on a trip to Japan in college, I just DID NOT POOP for the first... almost week? I hardly even noticed, which was even weirder! I did get a little uncomfortable toward the end, but it wasn't excruciating.

What was weirder is that other people in my group had the same issue! I guess it was some combination of new food/jetlag/stress/etc.

Lily Rowan

@martinipie Oh, totally. Almost always when I first get up (so then I can get in the shower and clean off!), sometimes after work, too. Always at home. I guess have some issues?

The first time I took a cruise, I wasn't sure if the public bathrooms always stank so bad because of ship plumbing or everyone using them to poop instead of the tiny bathrooms in the tiny cabins. Now I'm pretty sure it was the latter.

HeyMatilda

@martinipie I read something on the interwebs that you are definitely supposed to go after every meal or 3x a day. That means all systems go!

KeLynn

@martinipie About every other day, and 95% of the time it's about an hour after I wake up. A hot cup of tea helps to keep things on schedule. I do kind feel like I should be going more often, especially because sometimes it will be 3-4 days even. But I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit, so I don't know why things don't move through more quickly.

My "schedule" has changed wildly throughout my life, though.

And I will only weigh myself on the mornings that I poop. Because (TMI) for a while I was weighing myself every day, and my weights were all over the place. Once I started weighing only after pooping, everything stayed a lot more consistent.

And even more TMI and secret, I look forward to the morning before my period, because I always poop, and it is always the lightest I am all month, so I like to keep track of that day's weight specifically to see if I'm losing/gaining.

KatieBarTheDoor

@Sarah H. @dj pomegranate Same here. My body is super particular about where it wants to go. On one trip to Europe it was probably 8 days before I could poop. I don't think it's a mental thing, because I try telling it "seriously body, we are comfortable here, it's fine!" but it won't listen.

Also, I hiked the Inca Trail in Peru last year, and you have to have porters with you. They set up a little tented toilet each night at the campsite, and then they have to pack everything up and keep carrying it until the end of the trail (4 days). This time I was fully on board with my body's reluctance and I didn't poop that entire time, because this poor guy would have had to CARRY my poo in a plastic bag for days and I just could not even. (Nor could I go in the woods-- peeing is fine, but pooping sans toilet ain't happening.)

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@martinipie Ah! My boyfriend is like that. He has very specific times every day when he NEEDS to poop and if he's late it's like the world is ending. I am on a semi-schedule, but sometimes I get busy and just hold it awhile.

byrdfish

@martinipie Every morning. Sometimes, I will snooze my alarm only to have my butt alarm go off and I must get up. I think the morning thing started for the reasons @Lily Rowan mentioned, cleaning, etc. Sometimes I do poop at work/alternate hours of the day though, if nature calls. But a normal, regular day, 1 poop in the morning.

fabel

@martinipie Yeah, I remember my college roommate admitted to me that she hadn't gone the whole first TWO WEEKS of school. TWO WEEKS. And my boyfriend only goes twice a week, apparently, which shocked me. I have...certain times, yes, usually in the morning, & then again when I get home. And sometimes again, later. (So yeah, the casual "I haven't gone in a few days" thing is painful to hear)

himay

@byrdfish Ditto, to the T. The second I am actually coherent-awake, my body says it's time to go. Once in awhile the schedule gets out of whack. I have coined it as my "poopertunity", because it seems to be a small window, and if I pass it up there is no telling when the next one will arrive.

byrdfish

@himay I too can miss the "poopertunity"! It sucks because usually it comes back around the time I absolutely do not want it to...thanks bhole!

krisisisipoo

In high school I became the, "I HAVE TO POOP/FART" girl. If I had to poop or fart, I loudly announced it, so my fart did not come as a surprise and/or my extended absence did not create uncomfortable "we know what's going on, but we're going to pretend we don't" situations for my friends. Now? Less obnoxious, same concept.

pterodactgirl

@krisisisipoo This is like the opposite of my friend who farts silently and then likes to whisper to the person next to her "IJF..." (acronym for I just farted...) Somehow I find both hilarious though.

themmases

My boyfriend and I have been super open about it ever since we discovered, to our glee, that the black Halloween Dots (they're all blood orange flavored!) make your poop green. Then it was all about checking in every day to see who got to poop green first. We just keep a candle in there and a candle in the living room and you are expected to "light a poop wall" immediately before or after.

For a long time before he moved in my favorite way to bother him was by talking about how he "loves to poop in my bathroom" because he did it every weekend he visited. Now that he lives here, I've changed that to talking about how pooping is his hobby and he "loves to poop" because he does it every day. Still works!

oh! valencia

@themmases WHAT? You tease him for pooping every day? That's a normal thing for bowels to do.

kickupdust

@oh! valencia yeah, that's why it's funny! like, not mean teasing, just goofy couple-y teasing is how I read it.

themmases

@kickupdust Yep, I promise I know (from experience :D ) that it's normal to poop every day! That's what makes it so fun to pretend it's a thing.

redheaded&crazy

i'm pretty self-conscious about all this stuff. i don't know how to change who i ammmmm :'(

madge

@redheaded&crazie you don't have to change who you are, just how you behave, right? i don't know what your specific self-consciousness is about ... but you can decide how you're going to behave and feel weird about it and do it anyway ... after 10 or so times it won't feel weird at all.

redheaded&crazy

@madge yes! okay i totally do what i have to do at work no matter how weird it makes me feel. but i still try to do it as quietly as possible or wait til somebody is flushing or running a sink or something? :\

also, farting. i guess my goal this week is to fart and then let people know it was me? OH MY GOD THAT SOUNDS TRAUMATIZING.

*breathes into paper bag*

madge

@redheaded&crazie haha the only way i ever tell anyone i farted is by opening the car window (auto) right after! i was just concerned that you were holding it in all day or something cause i know someone who did that and she grew an extra asshole or something? not officially, but it caused a problem. but you aren't doing that, so, yeah.

i try not to poop when someone is right there next to me if i can help it, too -- but that's just common courtesy right?

the roughest toughest frail

@redheaded&crazie one of my best friends absolutely refuses to fart in public. I lived with her for about 2 years and she has never (admitted to) farting in front of me. Not that I'm advertising when I do, but she seriously holds it in until she can make it to the bathroom or her bedroom.
Ultimately, you do you. Don't feel like you need to change because a handful of other people are more comfortable talking about poops and farts -- there's another handful of people on the other side, who would rather die than admit they've passed gas. Different strokes and whatnot.

redheaded&crazy

@madge there are only two stalls in my bathroom at work so yeah i will totally turn right around if somebody else is already in there and i need to poop. but what if you've already started and they come in! STRESS.

Also, I don't really fart that much (oh my god why am i even talking about this) but one time i don't know what i had eaten but i was in a car with just my ex who was notoriously loud/up front about his farting and I COULD NOT STOP and they were so smelly and anyway, it was kind of awesome retribution. That's the only time I can think of that I didn't feel totally uncomfortable with farting. Good story huh guys?

OxfordComma

@redheaded&crazie : Yes, yes, it is. :) ...Hey, it's okay to feel awkward, or to want to keep your shits and farts private. No one is requiring you to be otherwise. *hug*

evil betty

I love this thread, I could talk about poo all day. I have so many beautiful poo-related stories!

For instance: One morning when I lived in uni accomodation my friends and I found a giant unflushed poo in one of the communal toilets. It was so big it curled around the bowl several times. We christened him Mr. Whippy. He was so magnificent that pictures were taken to document the occasion.

nonvolleyball

@evil betty one of my mom's college friends was a plumber, & took a polaroid when he produced "the biggest poop he'd ever seen." the reason I know this is that there's a photo of one of my mom's other friends with said polaroid tucked into her hippie-style headband (it was the '70s), & I demanded an explanation.

sidral mundet

@evil betty Eeee me too! One year I gave all of my siblings a poop-related book for Christmas. Like 4 years ago.

itiresias

@evil betty In college, my roommate left her camera at our guy friends' house, and they left it in their bathroom for a week and gave it back after all seven of them had left a picture of their poop and a picture of their balls on it.

boysplz

@evil betty I worked at summer camps for a few years and once one of the kids dropped a poo that was supposedly the size of like, two Nalgene bottles that a counselor had to break up to get it down the toilet. At the end of the summer they sang a song (The Log) about it at our staff party.

madge

@evil betty one day this kid i used to know -- he was about 15 at the time -- ran excitedly into the room and grabbed my hand and made me go look at one of his poos. "it looks just like a nike swoosh!" he was so proud.

enantiom3r

@itiresias Some of my guy friends text each other pictures of their balls with fair regularity, and somehow it never stops cracking everyone up.

littlestcabbage

@evil betty My brother once called me (we live on opposite coasts) because he'd taken a shit and needed to tell someone about what'd happened. The poop was so tall and so straight that it fell straight down into the toilet and then tipped, like a felled tree in slow motion, and PAINTED HIS TAINT with its tip. He was, understandably, dumbstruck and needed to share it with someone.

I only found out later that after he called me, he called a number of our mutual friends. We all still talk about That Time M Called To Talk About His Painting Poo.

nonvolleyball

@littlestcabbage I think you need to know that when I got an email from the Hairpin last night, containing this comment, it was such a ridiculous story that I was compelled to read the entire thing to my husband immediately. which I'm sure your brother & his friends would appreciate.

littlestcabbage

@nonvolleyball M will undoubtedly be pleased that his painting poop was heard round the world.

(In other news, thank god I live in a family where this kind of conversation is normal. Can you imagine NOT knowing that this bizarre thing had occurred?)

itiresias

I cannot believe people have so many unhappy feelings about this. I think it's all about personal comfort. My boyfriend is ridiculously open about all bodily functions: tells me about his poops in detail, tricks me into getting close to him before he has to fart (and I hit him and run away, or, honestly, am too lazy to actively care), expects praise when he holds in farts so he doesn't fart on me, uses FourSquare mostly to track the places he poops, has accidentally farted during sex, accidentally burps during sex not that irregularly. Last night, was being adorable towards me on my front porch, came inside with me saying "oh I gotta poop something fierce," joined me in bed after and had mindblowing sex with me.

And that is his personal comfort level. As for me, I have no qualms with my SELF pooping and farting and everything ever, but I prefer not to really talk about it with other people in general, whoever they are. Maybe once in a while if something really ridiculous (or funny) was going down. Sometimes he can tell I'm pooping if I'm in the bathroom for too long, and it's not like I deny it, but it's not like I call attention to it? I try to fart when he's out of the room, but it's not the end of the world if it happens. Same goes for everyone else in my life.

It gets tiring sometimes that he's so openly gross, but it also makes me feel comfortable with myself, because I never feel like I'm going to gross him out or be unattractive because of normal body things. Or my terrible allergies that make me snore like a lumberjack and produce a lot of snot from time to time.

entangled

@itiresias "uses FourSquare mostly to track the places he poops"
this is probably the best thing I have heard all day.

Killerpants

I haven't even read all the comments, and yet this is still probably one of the best things that has ever happened.

redheaded&crazy

@Killerpants people were really itching to talk about it right?

(i know that if i were cooler i would have thought of a punnier word than itching)

itiresias

@redheaded&crazie Eh, good enough.

boysplz

@redheaded&crazie It's almost as if they has to dump all their feelings, so to speak.

Killerpants

@redheaded&crazie Yes we were! I love talking about this stuff. I have learned SO MUCH. And still not through all the comments yet.

annejumps@twitter

@boysplz We're just trying to let it all out and clear the air.

catsoncatsoncats

@Killerpants Everyone was waiting for someone to start this movement.

Hambulance

@Killerpants It's just a shame that some were irritable...

PoBoyNation

@boysplz Seems to be going smoothly so far!

steve

I've developed an academic framework to interrogate the pervasiveness of stink discourse in our societal institutions. It argues that the construction of stink as a seemingly natural category emerged to reconcile the conflict between the Enlightenment ideal that everybody poops and the reality of some poop smelling worse than others. I call it critical poop theory.

sparrow303

I can do anything anywhere-- I live in the city, I am never close to my own toilet!-- but I cannot fart in front of a man. It's almost pathological. I don't think I'm allowed another boyfriend until I can sort this out.

pterodactgirl

I don't really have anything to say about my own pooping habits (they are mostly unmarred by neurosis,) but this I thought this was extremely funny and relevant to this thread's interests. I love Marlo Meekins.

http://marlomeekins.tumblr.com/post/26076888340

Nutmeg

I have never been Bathroom Shy (the only thing I hate is when I'm in the bathroom and someone tries to talk to me), but after the year I wasted overdosing on laxatives (25 every other day = lost so much sleep that year because I was up at night, shitting), I can do terrible things with my butt ANYWHERE. Nothing makes you less poop-shy than peeing fluorescent liquid out your butt in your college's campus center bathroom.

Nutmeg

@Nutmeg Also, I was residential in an eating disorder center for six weeks, the first week of which I did not poo at all because of refeeding. Our bodies were all so busy screaming, "OH MY GOD NUTRIENTS, LET'S GROW YOU SOME NAILS" that our intestinal bodily functions were of the highest interest to everyone there. I smoke American Spirits, and everyone on smoke break in the morning would get pissed at me for how long they took to smoke, and would yell, "Come ON, [Nutmeg], I have to poop!!!" This is also the place where I got into the habit of yelling, "I FARTED" after farting, which took a few weeks of being outside in the Real World to get over.

Jessica Messica

I deman solitude when pooping in my relationship, but it's not motivated by poop embarrassment: I don't care if he hears or smells anything but poop time is my time, it's quiet and reflective, so do not barge in this bathroom to grab something or start shaving or even spray me with a water gun, please. I am thinking, damn you.

WaityKatie

@Jessica Messica I agree, plus, some of us just like to do our personal stuff in private, y'know? Same with personal grooming things. Why does someone have to be up in my business ALL THE DAMN TIME just because we are having sex? People take the togetherness thing way too far. I am a separate person, I need to do my stuff in private!

Lucille 2

@Jessica Messica THIS. My boyfriend and I are pretty open about saying "I need to poop before we leave, be right out", so he knows exactly what is going on, but when he barges in while I'm pooping, or even knocks on the door to see how it's going, I am THIS close to flinging poo at him.

Princess Slayer

I used to know this asshole who kept claiming that girls don't poop and I HATED HIM for it because it was part of his larger worldview that women aren't people. So I think of him sometimes when I poo and it becomes vengeance poo.

whereismyrobot

@Princess Slayer I knew a man (In his thirties), who I asked me if women fart. I said of course and he said, "I knew it, my girlfriend told me you didn't, but one time I heard her in her sleep!"

Women that do that are doing us all a disservice.

TheMnemosyne

Also since we're on the subject: Can anyone explain to me the restroom phenomena wherein someone manages to pee/poop on the seat/walls/floor of the ladies' room? GUYS WHAT ARE YOU DOING. HOW DO YOU. I DON'T EVEN.

maybe partying will help

@TheMnemosyne

I would also like this explained. I have gone into the restroom at work and there has LEGIT BEEN PISS ON EVERY SEAT. What is that.

TheMnemosyne

@maybe partying will help I have seen it ON THE FLOOR. By the side of the toilet. Even if you're one of those weirdos who "hover" (don't even get me started on how asinine this practice is) you would have to be severely drunk/physically impaired to miss the toilet entirely, amirite!?

anachronistique

@TheMnemosyne If none of us hover-pee, none of us would HAVE to hover-pee!

maybe partying will help

@TheMnemosyne

Also why would you not clean it up? I can see having a really bad day/being sick/whatnot, but otherwise, man, please wipe the seat off if something gets on it. :(

WhiskeySour

@TheMnemosyne Too much booze? Someone in the dorms when I was in college apparently (drunkenly - I hope?) took a shit on the floor next to a toilet and then strategically placed a plunger over top of it to hide the evidence. But nobody knew anything except that the bathroom was gaining an increasingly noxious smell. It took, if I remember correctly, more than a week to pinpoint why that bathroom smelled so horrifying. And then of course everyone had to talk about the phantom plunger poop. Oh college.

stormageddon

@TheMnemosyne Public restroom? It's not ladies. It is little boys with their little fire hose wieners, and rude moms who don't mop up (I always mop, thank you, who wants my kid's piss on the sole of their nice shoe.)

fabel

@maybe partying will help It's the hoverers! (I am one, but I'm pretty skilled at aiming)

iknowright

Ok, I have a question for all the free, door-open poopers: do you have poop issues? Because I have IBS and sur la rag-related intestinal responses and often have a painful stomach and I think that's why I have become such a private pooper. I never know when a trip to the jane is going to take a turn for the worse. So, anyone who poops in front of their sex partners, are you so comfortable because your stomach is always pretty much comfortable?

Also we have a fan in our bathroom because of the humidity, and it basically stays on for like 3 hours after any shower, plus there's a dehumidifier in the bedroom (connected to bathroom) that I turn on at all hours, and these two things have come in quite handy at masking sounds. I'm also reassured by the fact that I have the most unobservant bf in the world who doesn't notice his own pee everywhere (this is its own issue, squick, of course) so I take comfort that he'd never notice what I'm doing in there.

meetapossum

@iknowright I think that's my friend's deal. He also has IBS and is incredibly open with everyone about pooping, and I think it's partially because he doesn't really have a choice.

districter

@iknowright I think IBS has made me more open about pooping, especially with my boyfriend. I just felt like it was really important for him to understand so when I am like "HORROR PAIN FIND A BATHROOM" he knows what is up. No open door or anything, but no secrets. He even hung out with me during my colonoscopy prep (the broth drinking and tv watching parts) and took me home from my colonoscopy.

Boog

@iknowright My bf has IBS and sometimes he needs his space, he generally tells me and I know when it's going to be bad. At that point I leave him to do his thing. Also, I had to have surgery on my left butt cheek and he helped take care of me so we are WAY over being embarrassed about our bodies/bodily functions.

OxfordComma

@iknowright : I prefer private pooping, but because I have a seriously sensitive stomach, everyone can just fucking deal with the fact that I may be in the loo for 20 minutes.

sceps yarx

@iknowright arg, you guys, I have a sensitive stomach/IBS too, and it's really terrible! I call it "stressarrhea"! It makes me less comfortable with people hearing me poop, but more comfortable with talking about it, because it is such a chronic problem. Whenever I hear other women talking about being constipated, I'm like, that sounds lovely, I would like some constipation please.

OxfordComma

@sceps yarx : But when I *do* get constipated, it is DAYS of bloating and pain and horribility before I can go again.

UGH.

iknowright

@districter HORROR PAIN FIND A BATHROOM is the perfect descritpion of how I feel as well. I have informed my bf that if this is ever the case and we are in a social situation, we will have to make the swiftest exit ever before poop starts exiting and ruining my life. He says he gets it? But he's only ever had to leave a place with me once, and it was just the two of us and brunch, so I'm still not sure how much he understands that it is a dire emergency situation. Ahh, bodies!

iknowright

@sceps yarx Yes, I think that's a good explanation of why I would never leave the bathroom door open between me and my bf -- I have such fears/issues about the bad kind of poo being heard, that I don't want to let any kind be noticed/known about.

On the other hand, my mother is fantastic and hilarious and since my bf is not amused by poop or fart stories/jokes, often I will call her and say things like, "I know you've been worried all day so I thought I would call to inform you that I have pooped, and everything went smoothly. Also, I farted but blamed it on a customer. Okay, bye." She for real keeps me sane. But even her, I don't want hearing me poop.

I do think constipation can be an emotional issue too? So I don't know if I'd trade the kind I have for the constipation. Ours might be painful and smelly and embarassing, but at least once it's out, it's out. I can't even imagine the stress of not being able to go for days and days. Poor butts :(

kickupdust

OKAY WAIT. I just realized I had the best poop story ever and haven't told anyone!

back in the day when I was still new to roasting asparagus and I was THRILLED by it. we're talking roast the whole bunch, inhale them, repeat every day. and I did not cut the spears down at all, they stayed full size. and I mean... they REALLY stayed full size.

so one morning I pooped and when I wiped I felt this really odd sensation, so I looked at the tp to see what was up, as you do.

and there was a whole spear of asparagus laying there. it had travelled my intestines and come out whole. worst/best thing ever.

and the moral is: chewing is important.

frigwiggin

@kickupdust Hahahaha, whaaaaat.

Megasus

@kickupdust I thought I had low stomach acid for a while (but actually I didn't apparently) and I was taking these digestive enzymes to keep it under control, and most things did not get broken down properly, especially if I ate too much of it at once.
The moral is: Stomach acid is also important.

sarah girl

@kickupdust OH MY GOD I thought "roasting asparagus" was a euphemism for something at first, AND THEN IT KIND OF WAS

kickupdust

@frigwiggin I know! I wanted to tell everyone but I also wanted to hide forever and ever and ever.

darklingplain

@kickupdust Those stories are the best (worst). I once ate this big chunk of pepperoni without peeling off the casing and it came out whole in my poop. At first I was afraid it was like a piece of my intestine, before I remembered.

WaityKatie

@kickupdust But...how did you swallow them whole? That's like on the level of sword swallowing or something!

kickupdust

@WaityKatie I couldn't tell you. I am a pretty champion gagger, in fact. it is a poop mystery for the ages!

enantiom3r

@kickupdust AHAHAHA that's amazing! I'm so glad there's a place we can share these stories.

(relatedly?) We made a ton of borscht last week and had some serious neon-pink poops... and that's how the bf and I realized my metabolism is approx. 1 day faster than his. Who knew?

frigwiggin

@enantiom3r This happened when I was doing elder care! Another one of our roster of nurses fed our client borscht and both his urine (in the catheter bag) and poop were reddish-pink--I thought there was blood in his pee for sure and freaked out a bit until I saw the note she left for just such occasions.

Does Axl have a jack?

@enantiom3r I once ate a red velvet cupcake that must have had all the red food coloring in it. I was seriously about to go to the hospital before I remembered it.

little sausage

My friend and I talk about pooping a lot, apparently. It's gotten to the point where we now have a secret code so that we can continue our poop discussions in public without getting horrified stares. What can I say, I feel good right after I've had a huge dump.

boysplz

@little sausage Oh definitely, I love that I save friends that I can share the satisfaction of a good poop with. I also really like having a cat for this because she gets really happy after pooping and I sing her the Sarah Silverman poop song.

sam.i.am

@little sausage We have adopted the Sports Guy's habit of refering to pooping as "taking my talents to South Beach." Which comes in handy, because if we're out somewhere and the Dude needs to go home and poop, he'll say, "Hon, we need to head home. I still have lots to do to get ready for our trip to South Beach."

Also, what's up with dudes taking FOREVER to shit? I mean, I pretty much don't go into the bathroom until the train is ready to leave the station, and once I'm there, the entire process takes all of 2 minutes. If I want some quiet time to sit and read the Internet, there are more comfortable seats than the toilet.

enantiom3r

@sam.i.am on the topic of dudes' poos: I KNOW! I always end up waiting around for my boyfriend to finish. Apparently for him it's the wiping that takes all the time, so he's either very messy or very thorough.

insouciantlover

@little sausage I am That Friend who other people text when they've had a really incredible poop in a public restroom.

SylviaWrath

@enantiom3r There is nothing worse than seeing dingle berries your guys ass. Whoa. Sex is paused and shower is turned on.

LauraRebecca

@SylviaWrath This is *horrifying.* I didn't know human dingleberries were possible.

OxfordComma

@SylviaWrath : Oh, God, I just about spat water on my monitor while reading that.

SylviaWrath

@OxfordComma I know. It has happened. I was drunkly helping my very drunk (now ex) boyfriend take off his underwear and yup, DINGLEBERRIES (cue Psycho shower scene music) . It was absolutely horrific. They are forever ingrained in my mind. If your dude has a very hairy ass, it's likely he will get dingleberries at some point. And my ex was actually very very clean, but guys just don't know how to wipe properly it seems.

I buy these: http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=369022&catid=184682&aid=338666&aparam=369022 and they do WONDERS.

Megasus

I have no poo hangups guys. Well, like a little bit if I am having upset stomach issues (which is quite frequent because I am lactose intolerant and sometimes they sneak it in things) and like, people are over, but it's not enough to stop me from doing it.

dale

When my g/f and I first started dating, she was extremely shy about bathroom stuff. Like, she might pee, but the door was closed and the fan was on. Anything more, and she'd probably invent an excuse to go out and use a public washroom. Now? Eh, we couldn't care less. We do give pooping privacy (as in, not trying to hold a conversation in the same room, but the bathroom door is generally open), but peeing's no big deal. And farts? Maybe I'm still 12, but they make me laugh (whether they are mine or hers), so those are nothing anymore either.

liverwortlaura

@dale there is some sort of joy in being able to share and revel in an awesome fart! I feel blessed that my husband and I seem to share that adolescent sense of humor!!

dale

@liverwortlaura It's trueeeee! I mean, as long as she's across the room from me when it happens, then I can laugh at the noise! It's a funny noise!

If she's too close, though, then I have to pretend to be asphyxiating. I'm such a charming significant other.

JadedStone

This is amazing and I've read all the comments.

Sometimes I just wanna brag about a really epic poo.

Cavendish

I have a crazy amazing poop story.

A long time ago I lived overseas for about 6 months. I typically have poo problems when traveling, but did manage to go eventually, though they were always tiny rabbit pellety poos. I didn't think it was a problem until I flew home. I was in the airport, made it through customs, and had an ominous rumbling in my tummy. I made it to the bathroom and proceeded to poop more than I ever have in my life. I had to stop midway and flush because the bowl was filling up. I am not exaggerating in the slightest! It was insane. I don't remember feeling bloated or uncomfortable before this, but I must have been! It was like the minute I was on US soil my body relaxed enough to go.

I made the mistake of telling my husband this story (no one else knows) and now whenever I'm having trouble pooping he asks if we need to go to the airport.

stormageddon

@Cavendish A. LOL at your smartass husband, and B. I always have to shit as soon as I walk in my parent's house, where I have not lived for 15 years. Home is where the bowels move.

paper bag princess

@Cavendish Almost this exact same thing has happened to me. Like, every time I come back from a trip abroad.

insouciantlover

@Cavendish Okay, and did you not want to immediately tell someone after the epic poop? Like, call your mom, call a friend, anything? Like, the awe and excitement over the mass exodus can barely be contained? Or is that just me.

maybe partying will help

@stormageddon

Dude, every time I sit down at a computer I have to pee! I have no idea where this Pavlovian response stems from, but it happens at computer lab computers, work computers, my laptop at home...strange body storytime.

billie_crusoe

@Cavendish Flying while constipated is THE WORST. The change in pressure, and bloating, and, ow.

whereismyrobot

I have the bathroom fan that comes on automatically when you turn on the light. I will never move.

supernintendochalmers

@whereismyrobot I WANT THIS IN MY LIFE

living internationally

@twinkiecowboy Just move into a flat/house where the bathroom has no window - the fan is a requirement (at least over here it is - you crazy american building regs are crazy)

stormageddon

I get shy in public, particularly at work, and have perfected the poo-lean, a particular trajectory that greatly eliminates the splash-sound. At home, I don't really care. I used to be modest, and then I had a kid, who demands privacy for his own movements, but gets distressed if the bathroom door is shut (he's three). I can pee wherever, thanks to being drunk a lot as a college kid, and also camping, and also camping while drunk.

I have a friend though, who loves to poop at work, thinks it totally satisfying.

She calls it shitting on the company's dime.

I smell burnt toast

@stormageddon My dad's most oft-repeated advice to me and my siblings is: 'always poo on company time'.

tmsteele2000

You know what I think is odd? We're all about romantic dinners and lingering over sexy food with our mate and all that, but really, masticating and swallowing your food is really just pooping in reverse.

I'm pretty much okay with all of my biological processes by now. It took me a while, but I finally got to the point where holding in a poop at work was way more uncomfortable than looking a coworker in the eye at the sinks after she heard me drop one. Now I'm like, "That's right. It was me. Guess who won't be squeezing her ass together for the rest of the day?" One less thing to be stressed out about on the drive home.

dj pomegranate

@tmsteele2000 "I'd love to go out with you! What did you have in mind?" "Well...I thought we could...meet up and poop in reverse together tonight...

all the bacon and eggs

@tmsteele2000 There's a South Park about this. REALLY.(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Hot_Catholic_Love)

OaklandBooty

I have too many hang ups to even go anywhere with this...BUT! I love that the Japanese toilet sound masker translates to "sound princess" (more or less).

travelmugs

@sidral mundet I lived in a warehouse loft with 5 roommates and one bathroom. The rooms were set up more like cubicles: no ceilings. Everyone had to get over any toilet shyness very, very quickly.

redheaded&crazy

this begets another question which has maybe been discussed above (so many comments aiee)

do you sit or squat in public restrooms?

i sit. yep i sit right on down there. usually i wipe the seat first. apparently my coworkers are all disinfecting the seat and shit before they go, which is great for me i guess!

sam.i.am

@redheaded&crazie sit, for sure. I'm not licking it. What is going to be on the seat that can leach into my body through my ass-skin?

(If there is a scary answer to that, DO NOT TELL ME.)

madge

@sam.i.am sit. yes. unless the bathroom is, like, an old gas-station bathroom and the place just looks awful and i don't want to touch anything with anything

Boog

@redheaded&crazie I am a sitter, sometimes I lay down TP on the seat. But when it comes to rest stop bathrooms I totally squat...yuck

WaityKatie

@redheaded&crazie Sit all the way, and people who squat, you need to wipe the damn seat off when you're done, please! I hate how squatters have this air of cleanliness and moral superiority, and then they piss all over the damn seat and leave it there for everyone to accidentally sit in. Thanks a lot, squatters.

Scandyhoovian

@redheaded&crazie I sit, and I've always wondered how anyone can relax enough to go if they're also trying to hover over the seat and not touch it. BUT. Not more than a few weeks ago I experienced the very first instance in my nearly 30 years of life in which I understood, exactly, why people want to hover.

Has anyone else ever had the sudden and somewhat violent urge to go whilst waiting for a bag in the baggage claim at LaGuardia?

THAT BATHROOM IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST BATHROOM IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Just for the record. In that moment, I wished that I could levitate.

Killerpants

@redheaded&crazie Sit, but lay down TP on the seat if it's a public restroom. Because just wiping off all the pee and poo splashes (YES poo splashes, some low-flow/high-pressure flush toilets splash the contents onto the seat), just doesn't do enough for me. Call it illogical, but I do not want the seat that was just covered in pee/poo water touching my skin.

timesnewroman

@WaityKatie hahaha yes yes yes

meetapossum

@Scandyhoovian Oh, LaGuardia: The bus station of airports.

Also, I sit!

New Commenter Name

@redheaded&crazie
Normally I sit right down, although there have been overly disgusting bathrooms where I've done the hover squat.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@redheaded&crazie I sit. Who the fuck cares! Not me.

femwanderluster

@redheaded&crazie
RE: Squatting. I absolutely prefer to squat rather than sit whenever I'm not at home. For this reason, I've developed a mean pee-shot; I can aim--take me to London, I'll bring home the gold.

However, I have never met a toilet seat that could not be lifted.
I use the tip of my shoe to lift the seat up, straddle all tall like and let 'er rip. The bonus to this method is that, not only do you save ladysitters from pee bespotted toilet seats and yourself the hassle of touching said seat to clean up any stray drips, but you have less to squat around, since the seat is typically bigger than the bowl. Everyone gets to pee happy. (It really is fun to aim, lol! Also, random tip for outdoor peeing: remember gravity and adjust your feet/the direction of your stream. Don't wanna end up ankle deep in your own urine. Or...maybe you do? Different strokes. ^_^)

femwanderluster

@femwanderluster
Also, I wear skirts pretty much all the time and hate wearing underwear, so that makes things much easier.

Plant Fire

@redheaded&crazie I stand (I'm a girl btw). I'd like to sit (and used to sit until I figured out how to pee standing) but so many people squat and pee on the seat that I'm too grossed out to sit on their pee droplets and don't want to accidentally touch it when wiping up. So I lift up the seat lid, straddle the toilet, and pee straight down. This way I don't sit one someone else's pee and I don't pee on the seat because I lift it first (and always put it down afterwards for the next person).

Boog

I am not a shy pooper. My Dad has Crohn's disease and growing up we usually had to stop and wait for him to do his business. Dealing with his stomach problems made it seem natural to me. I also leave the door open when I pee and my bf is the total opposite. I guess I'm overly share-y.

SylviaWrath

Try living in San Francisco, where there are only SPLIT bathrooms, therefore NO sinks or fans to hide your poo noises. You just have to own it. Luckily there is almost always a window to open, but the smell usually lingers into the "railroad" style hallways.

When I go out in public (to a Target/TjMaxx etc) I usually don't have a problem pooping in the public bathrooms because A) They always smell like old sour smelling baby diapers and B) those bathrooms are DISGUSTING, I usually squat to pee and layer with toilet seat covers when I have to poo. C) Usually a TON of activity in those bathrooms because most people are pooping at that time too. D) Did I mention the smell? I think we should talk about pooping at work, that's rough. Usually everyone sees your shoes...once they see your shoes..forget it.

iknowright

@SylviaWrath This is one of the reasons I stopped living in SF. Paying like, $800/mo to share 1 bathroom with 3 people, all of whom are forced to hear me poop (I swear those hallways are echo chambers)? I love cities, but every other big city I have lived in has had smarter set-ups than this. Though I know a lot of NY apartments have bathrooms connected to the kitchen (see: recent Terry Richardson photos of Paz de la Huerta) and sometimes NOT EVEN A SINK IN THE BATHROOM AREA AT ALL WHAT.

insouciantlover

@SylviaWrath oh, my friends lived in one of those railroad style homes in Duboce Triangle with one single tiny split bathroom right in the middle of the hall! The toilet was so close to the sink that you had to sit sideways. But the place was a steal at just $3000/month!

SylviaWrath

@iknowright SERIOUS ECHO CHAMBERS. I would usually hear everything, even someone just peeing. BUT my old roommate's boyfriend would come over and take a huge dump almost every time and I NEVER EVER heard him. It was weird, maybe he's a poo catcher? I almost feel that's a dead give away. By the kitchen ? WHAT NO WAY. I refuse to make mac and cheese and then have to catch a whiff of my bf's (or anyone else's) poop. So wait, you have to dump next to your meatloaf and then come out and wash your hands in the kitchen? Yeahhh NO.

littlestcabbage

@SylviaWrath I dated and eventually lived with a man who HATED it when you would speak to him while he was in the bathroom OR speak to anyone on the outside when you were in the bathroom. I'm a chatty cathy, so this was hard. We eventually bought a house and the master bath had a shower, a soaking tub, double sinks...and a toilet closet. He thought this was the greatest thing ever, because it meant I could brush my teeth while he did his business (in silence). In fact, we removed the door from the bathroom, since the whole floor was just the master bedroom so no one would inadvertently walk in and see you showering, and the only thing anyone (he) was shy about was the stuff that happened in that tiny poop closet.

madge

aaand i think this might be the place to drop (haha) the best poo-related tv episode ever: peep show. is that normal pooing you're doing?

hmoney

This thread almost makes it worthwhile to be waiting at home for the air conditioning repair man on a 100 degree day. Two responses:

First, yes to everyone irate at co-workers who don't understand the importance of using the poo bathroom for that business, and not the heavily-trafficked 2-staller directly opposite someone's desk.

Second, I remember the first time I was in Germany the friend I was visiting explained to me that German toilets are designed with a "shelf" so that you can take a close look at the poop before flushing away and thus track your digestive health on a daily, perhaps hour to hour basis. This was told in the context of an admonishment to make suitable use of the toilet brush. It seems to be constant in Germanic countries, and maybe elsewhere. Thoughts?

supernintendochalmers

@hmoney Yes, this poo shelf was standard when I lived in Prague, too! Thanks but I'm not a doctor, I'll pass on that.

annejumps@twitter

@hmoney I've heard this too. Amazing.

littlestcabbage

@hmoney I actually can't believe I got this far into the thread before I saw a mention of The Shelf (which we call The Examination Shelf). For those who can't picture this, here's a great photo example: http://zuidholland-rose.blogspot.com/2011/01/little-bit-about-where-i-am-living.html

My best pal is Dutch and whenever I visit, I regularly smoke myself out of the bathroom. Why let the poop be exposed to air like that? It's 80% more noxious without a water barrier! It's really just cruel, cruel business.

See also: Almost every Dutch person I know has a calendar in the bathroom. Why? I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW.

Also also: Dutch toilets flush in so many different ways that on one trip I took a photograph of every new toilet I encountered. Push button, two button, handle, pulley, chain, lever, step flush, pull flush, pull-knob...the list goes on. It's baffling.

the angry little raincloud

@hmoney Oh my god, yes, how did we get hundreds of comments into this before mention of The Dreaded Shelf? Why, lord, why?

I actually lived in an apartment, in Austria, for a year with a shelf toilet. I had food poisoning once in that apartment. Oh, the humanity!

And, then I had some American friends visiting (a couple on their honeymoon), who were staying with me. The Dude went into The Toilet Room--because the toilet was in an entirely separate room from the bathtub and sink-- emerged several minutes later, shaking his head and muttering, "That's just not right."

Freud and his anal fixations seemed to make a lot more sense after living in Austria.

Scandyhoovian

My office bathroom is inexplicably a two-stall bathroom in which one is HUGE FOR HANDICAP ACCESS and the other is teeeeeeeeeeensy weensy. We have no handicapped people on our floor, and that big ol' handicap stall has become the unofficial Pooping Stall, partly because you cannot see people's shoes in the big stall from the small one (but you can see small-stall shoes from the big one), so it lends an air of privacy that sitting in the small stall does not. What's bad is when someone really has to go but the only stall open is the small one, and they're obviously somewhat poo-shy, and then there's this awkward silence while they wait and hope that big-stall person is nearly done and about to flush.

I'm personally usually pretty OK just doing what has to be done in there, but if I feel like I'm going to have a particularly noisy gas accompaniment to my poo, I try to wait 'til someone flushes or turns on a faucet to let it go if I'm not alone in the bathroom.

KeLynn

@Scandyhoovian In my office there are a few separate, 1-toilet bathrooms. Not one big one with stalls. But there is one bathroom that is unofficially the "poop bathroom" that is ALSO very unfortunately located right off of a conference room. As in, there is no way to get in or out of this bathroom except through the conference room. I have been in meetings in there and literally 20 minutes into it, someone will come out of the bathroom dying of embarrassment. You know they were in there happily pooping away, then we all walked in to have a meeting, and they just sat in there waiting and hoping we'd leave and we never did so they finally just had to leave.

I never use this bathroom for this reason. I think it became the poop bathroom because it's the most private one available IF the conference room is empty, but STILL. That's like poop-embarrassment roulette because you never know when people are going to crowd in there.

But ALSO if you are in a meeting in there, sometimes people will get up from the meeting and go to the bathroom in there. I mean, even just peeing, we can all hear everything and we are trying to pretend we can't, just walk down the hall to the other bathroom geeze.

kellyannecat

I was so anxious about pooping in my boyfriend/now husband's presence that when we first started spending the night together, I'd sometimes dream that I was pooping the bed. I would leap out of bed, thinking, "I'm pooping!" but by the time I got to the bathroom and was fully awake, I'd realize that it was just a dream. Two babies and one colonoscopy later, we are well beyond poop modesty.

timesnewroman

Ok, ladies (and gentlemen): there is nothing wrong with not wanting to fart in front of your sexual partners/friends/family members. It does not mean you are uptight or (as was said upthread) "not meant to be" (!!!). In my case, I do not do it in front of other people and I don't really want other people to do in front of me. I don't shame people! Of course if it happens, it happens - when it's someone else, I either pretend I didn't hear or I laugh it off, depending on who it is; when it's me (when I'm curled up in the foetal position and laughing I swear I always fart accidentally, it is terrible) I apologise and attempt to grin charmingly/abashedly. But I don't let them out if I can help it and when I'm around people who do just let it all out without bothering to control it/apologise, I find it a bit rude and gross. It is probably for the most part about upbringing. I've never had a boyfriend where we just farted freely in front of each other every day and I loved those guys just fine, thank you!

KeLynn

@timesnewroman Agreed!!! Don't fart near me, I won't fart near you. I think this is just good manners.

fondue with cheddar

@KeLynn I know! It's not because of uptightness or even embarrassment (because we all do it); it's because I don't want to smell their farts and I don't want to subject them to mine. FARTS SMELL BAD!

redheaded&crazy

this also makes me want to talk about poo related sex things BUT I AM AT WORK AND I HAVE SOME BOUNDARIES YOU KNOW but i dunno, talk to me people!

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie ok FINE i'll go first so one time we were doing this (butt sex) but it just felt to me like i had to go #2 (as people say) so anyway i don't know we thought it would be easier in the shower but then it still felt like that so then basically i ended up pooping while he was in the shower right next to me. OH MY GOD!

i dunno but it felt like kind of like a landmark for the relationship. it was kinda good. even though normally NEVER NO NEVERRRRR.

And Sour Cream

@redheaded&crazie I totally feel you! I have tried anal a few times, and sure there is some physical pleasure, but I cannot get past that feeling that I'm about to poop. It feels like you're pooping! And then I get all paranoid about pooping on myself and the guy, and I can't enjoy anything. The shower actually sounds like a good idea, cause at least if that happens, it's a relatively easy clean up.

paper bag princess

I actually love pooping at work, am I the only one? The toilets are like, industrial strength and I drink a lot of coffee so I love knowing I can just let 'er rip and it'll be gone in one flush. The plumbing in my apartment is ancient and it's a pain in the butt (HA) because it always needs multiple flushes or just straight-up clogs.

New Commenter Name

@lizzle
ha! Yes, see my reply to the thread below.

camanda

@lizzle The bathrooms in my store are great, I've never had a problem with the plumbing and the auto-flush actually works. I do try to go before the store opens, though, because our customers are gross and render half the stalls unusable by the middle of the day. I miss my old jobs and our private bathrooms.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@lizzle Me too! I'd way rather poop in public because the plumbing (har har) is probably better than my apartment. Plus if there's an issue, it's their problem to deal with, not mine!

SylviaWrath

Also, does anyone experience what I call The Poo Showdown? Where there's a woman in the stall right next to you and the bathroom is DEAD SILENT and you both tap your foot waiting for one another to leave. You then have the dreaded moment where you both realize you both have to poo. You then come to terms that either: you have to just go for it and hope she goes for it too, leave and withhold, or wait for another person to come in to create some white noise. I usually just go for it.

Oh and don't even get me started on the Uncle Teds of the pooping world. They're the ones that LINGER FOREVER, putting on makeup, fixing their hair etc and just taking FOR.FUCKING.EVER to leave totally preventing you from your private poo. When I know a girls gotta go, I BOLT.

sarah girl

@SylviaWrath Oh my god, I once had a Poo Showdown in high school, but it ended with the other girl suddenly going "PLLLLLLBTH PTHHBHTTHPBHTH" making the nastiest fakest farting/pooping sounds (with her mouth, if that isn't clear). It was simultaneously the most horrifying and hilarious thing that happened to me, maybe in all of high school.

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@SylviaWrath
Yes! Solidarity!
I..... actually prefer to poo at work. You know... large industrial toilets, etc. My house plumbing relies on a well and septic tank and I fear toilet clogs. I have a preferred work bathroom for pooping, it's far far away from my desk, on a different floor of the building, in an out of the way area not heavily populated by other ladies. The chances of a poo intrusion in that particular bathroom are small, but it has happened and I know just what you are describing!

meetapossum

@Curiouser and curiouser I prefer pooping at work, too! It's kind of a nice break.

narwhalsandwich

@Curiouser and curiouser Libraries make me poop.

darklingplain

@narwhalsandwich I thought that was just me! I don't know what it is about them, but five minutes after I walk in, I'm heading to the bathroom, almost without fail.

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@narwhalsandwich
Speaking of libraries.... I have a funny library bathroom story. When my best friend and I were young kids, maybe 11 -12 years old, the public library was very close by and we would often walk there together. This particular day, my friend had to use the bathroom while we were there and I waited for her outside the door. Apparently while doing her business, my friend farted really loudly and obnoxiously. There was a lady in the other stall who, upon hearing my friend's fart, responded with a horrified "JEEZ!" My friend stifled her embarrassment, ran out of the bathroom, told me the whole story, and we laughed until we cried. We still laugh about it now.

narwhalsandwich

@darklingplain not at all! I've actually talked about it with my friends and several of them agree!

amarz

@Curiouser and curiouser the Paid Poop

SylviaWrath

@Gone Away Lass The Ostrich. Brilliant. I'm using that in the future.

britishpetroleum

The other night, I was talking to this guy (a straight, single guy for reference), and the subject of using bathrooms in other countries came up. I mentioned the doorless stalls at that "South of the Border" tourist trap and how unbelievable/mortifying I thought that was. He told a story about pooping in a public place Tibet, which was similarly open for others to see. I had only met him that night, and though we weren't flirting per se, it was two single people having a good conversation. I found myself oddly impressed that he could say that to a relative stranger in such an offhand, matter-of-fact way. I have to say, it did make him seem MORE attractive (what??). Don’t know if this situation would work in the reverse, like would he be turned off if I shared that story.
I feel like most people either never ever speak of it or find potty humor pretty much the funniest fucking thing ever and giggle at any mention of bodily functions. I live at the point where those 2 perspectives meet, kinda like how libertarians are somehow both liberal and conservative. I've been single for so long that the idea of talking about going to the bathroom with a dude that I also want to fuck seems impossible, but I've definitely done it in the past...I don’t know how you cross that bridge. But you just do. Scary shit…

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@britishpetroleum
I think maybe it's one of those double standards, where it's more or less socially acceptable that dudes poop, but not ladies.
As proof of this, my husband loves to talk about his poop but refuses to accept that the ladies do it, too. He often reacts with anger and revulsion at the mere suggestion of ladypoop.

britishpetroleum

@Curiouser and curiouser I guess it's also the way he talked about it? I've known plenty of guys that make poop and fart jokes, or think it's fascinating, but that didn't make them more attractive or anything. He seemed just very mature about it. Like, "I had to poop in front of other people and wasn't that weird, but there you go. Other countries are different!" It was like a confirmation of his general attitude toward life, if I'm not reading too much into it.

I could never be that nonchalant about it (must be something you learn in the Peace Corps?). And, stretching here a bit, maybe that's indicative of my attitude towards life. Hmm. What We Talk About When We Talk About Poop.

annejumps@twitter

@Curiouser and curiouser And that's not that uncommon, which is why I think it's odd that people on here are like "Where do ladies get that idea??"

MissMushkila

@britishpetroleum Apparently the main boys bathroom at my boyfriend's high school did not have doors on the stalls. It was a major (well, minor) controversy because the ladies had stall doors. This would have been approximately 6 years ago in Minnesota.

britishpetroleum

@MissMushkila I recently found that a lot of high schools are like that. If I were a high school boy, I would be heading up the sit-in to protest that particular atrocity.

SylviaWrath

@lizzle I agree. The industrial strength toilets certainly help and eliminate smells. but do your coworkers know when you're pooping? Do you care? Coworker knowledge of my poo-ing bothers me for some reason.

paper bag princess

@SylviaWrath We share a bathroom with other offices on the floor, so if there's anyone else in there it's almost always a stranger. At my last office, there was ALWAYS at least one other person (only one bathroom for a bunch of ladies) and I just got used to it. If I'd tried to wait until it was empty I never would've gone!

angelinha

These comments are great and...I am off to the work bathroom. We have two men's rooms and two women's rooms on our floor, and all are single-stall.

SylviaWrath

@angelinha YOU ARE SO LUCKY

angelinha

@angelinha Also. Quinoa poops??

billie_crusoe

@angelinha Quinoa poops? Try wheat berry poops!

amarz

@angelinha ugh. made me never want to eat it again

angelinha

@amarz I was fine with it...after I went weeks trying to figure out WHAT kind of deadly illness/parasite I had.

angelinha

@angelinha See also: steel cut oat poops.

billie_crusoe

I thought this was going to be about the female urination device, which I recently bought (I went with the Go Girl) and have so far only mastered with my pants around my ankles. Which defeats the point, so: tips for successfully peeing in a funnel with your pants up?

BuffyBot

@che I use PeeMates, they're disposable and you just have to push your pants down a little.

billie_crusoe

@BuffyBot That looks like a more fail-proof design. I can manage to pee on myself when squatting, so I might not be the best candidate for this... But I wanted a reusable one for camping and stuff. I will master it! (I think when I try to just pull my pants down a little, I end up tilting the funnel spout and that's how it backs up and spills. I've only tried it at home, so far, thankfully.

BuffyBot

@che The first time I tried it out was at homecoming, and I totally ended up peeing on myself, thank god it was raining so I could disguise it. It's fine now though.

billie_crusoe

@BuffyBot That sucks! The Go Girl works fine without pants in the way, so it can't be too hard to figure out.

Squirrelly

@che I have several urination devices and I highly recommend the pStyle. If you keep your pants on with the GoGirl you run the risk of having your pants close up around the device and flinging pee everywhere, and the Shewee is prone to overflowing. But the pStyle is like a luge for urine, and it's long enough to provide good clearance. It's rigid, so you can't discreetly fold it in your pants, but peeing outside whenevs is so balla you don't need to hide anything!

etheline.

When I first moved in with my fiance, we had a week-long, poopless standoff. Neither one of us wanted to pull the trigger first, and it started to get totally uncomfortable.
That was a year ago, and even now we try and avoid being in the apartment at the same time mid-day, 'cause our respective lunch breaks are for private bathroom time, and that is sacred.
When I first moved into a college apartment, my roommates' schedules pretty much left me just Wednesday afternoons to have solo space for this. My boyfriend at the time actually stopped the car one day when I mentioned I was only going Wednesday afternoons.
(He sucked in many ways, but he taught me to be more comfortable that way).

annejumps@twitter

I just want to poop every morning before I shower and go to work. That's all I want. But they had to go and discontinue my favorite high-fiber cereal.

maybe partying will help

@annejumps@twitter

I hate when I have to poop IMMEDIATELY after taking a shower. Why can't you have that urge BEFORE I'm all shiny and clean, body?

Boog

@annejumps@twitter Yes! Most annoying thing ever.

meetapossum

I really like this. We need to have more threads about gross things. The Best Time I Accidentally Excised My Own Cyst.

Xanthophyllippa

@meetapossum I once did that too.

meetapossum

@Xanthophyllippa Was it also really cool/super gross??

Xanthophyllippa

@meetapossum Yep. :)

camanda

I have digestive issues as well, often unpredictable, and have my entire life. Two things: one, happily they only got really bad after I left high school (we could only go between classes, the bathrooms were nasty, and then there's sharing the space with other high school girls), and two, I've basically accepted that this is how it is.

I am self-conscious enough about it that I try to be very careful about what I eat at restaurants and then, if it's up to me, I go home immediately after the meal (so I get things like shopping done before I eat). There's no place like home for the troubled tummy. Still, I'm not going to hold it if I don't think I can hold it -- that only leads to trouble. Deal with it, fellow patrons!

camanda

Also, my house is the best for pooping, because we have four toilets (two and a half baths plus one behind a screen in the basement) and also we all have terrible digestive problems and are open with each other about it. I keep books in my bathroom expressly for pooping and occasionally bring my computer in there. I may have written Hairpin comments in there. Okay, I definitely have.

The only bad thing about the openness is I have one of those dads who walks into an occupied room, farts, and leaves.

OxfordComma

@camanda : Oh, I sympathize! I was actually way nicer to my students about their need for the restroom during my classes because of this--I know what it's like to be desperate, and I didn't want them to feel that way.

...I, too, have written Hairpin comments from the bathroom.

We are not alone!

camanda

@OxfordComma It was really terrible -- like I said, I'm glad my problems weren't that bad at the time. I was pretty lucky in that we had separate, individual, locked bathrooms down in the music wing and my band director was fairly gracious about giving us his keys when we had to go.

I am relieved that it is not just me. Sometimes I am in the bathroom so long that I manage to pound out entire blog entries. Lactose-intolerance is a productivity enhancer!

OxfordComma

@camanda : I read most of "Shogun" in two weeks because of my bowels.

PRODUCTIVITY, BITCHES.

slammysosa

@camanda God bless smart phones.

anachronistique

@camanda At my parents' house, there are three bathrooms - the tiny master bath, the downstairs bathroom, and the "kids' bathroom". Somehow due to lack of space the kids' bathroom ended up with a bookshelf. Full of books. And magazines.

IT'S KIND OF THE GREATEST THING EVER.

OxfordComma

@anachronistique : AWE. SOME.

annev6

"I cannot pee in the ocean or any body of water because I just cannot."
Because you are a decent fucking human being, more like.
(If you pee in any body of water OTHER PEOPLE SWIM IN you are CRAZY and DISGUSTING and I RENOUNCE you! Renounce! You!)

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@annev6 I don't think I've ever gotten into a pool/lake/ocean/etc and not peed almost immediately. Sorry. :/

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Or the shower! My bladder is very suggestible.

meetapossum

@annev6 Oh, come on, it's the OCEAN. Or a lake. Or a river. Everything pees in that.

frigwiggin

@annev6 "I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it."

littlestcabbage

@sudden but inevitable betrayal I dated a guy who was very open about the fact that He Would Pee In Your Shower (while showering). It was one of the things I liked about him. I know that there are people who somehow find the idea gross, but I do not understand these people. Peeing in the shower IS THE CLEANEST PEEING YOU CAN DO. There's soap and water involved, for crying out loud, and almost certainly clean underwear after!

annev6

@sudden but inevitable betrayal That's fine but I will need a note from you saying that to show to everyone so that when I outright completely refuse to swim in non-chlorinated bodies of water they know it's not because I'm nuts.

Also - peeing in the shower is totally fine and not weird. I mean, I guess it's weird to like, tell someone you did that in their shower if you're a houseguest - just like it would be weird for me to admit to friends I've stayed with that I've sometimes used their razors without asking when in a pinch.

Ginger Snap@facebook

@littlestcabbage yesss! also, i'm 8 months pregnant, peeing in the shower is sometimes the only way i can get my bladder empty! i don't care! if you think its gross, just be grateful you're not in there with me, i might pee on you.

camanda

I have thumbs-upped an inordinate number of comments on this post.

dale

@camanda I am trying very hard not to split a gut laughing at some of the funnier tales...I don't want to have to explain to my coworkers what I'm laughing at...

camanda

@dale "What's so funny, dale?" "POOP!"

byrdfish

Ok, how do y'all feel about gettin' frisky when a poop has been had earlier in the day?!? I must MUST wash my butt/vag if I have pooped since I last showered. NO EXCEPTIONS.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@byrdfish I won't have anal sex if I've pooped since my last shower (or if I feel like I have to poop), but vaginal...yeah, no hang-ups about that.

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@byrdfish
Yes, I make sure to wash up really well! I fear an unpleasant poop surprise during sex.

angelinha

@byrdfish I have never even thought about this.

miss buenos aires

I'm a little surprised that no one has quoted 30 Rock on this:

"Love is hiding who you really are at all times, even when you're sleeping. Love is wearing makeup to bed, and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That's love."

Sherbet Gravel

As for lingering smells, do not underestimate the effectiveness of lighting a match. It seriously is the best, and no air freshener can touch it. Mah boo & I keep a candle in the bathroom that we have NEVER EVER LIT & many books of matches that we go through with an unspoken "Yes... for THE CANDLE..." understanding. And hoo-effing-ray for the exhaust fan to keep farty-splashy noises down!

liverwortlaura

@Sherbet Gravel I'm amazed this hasn't come up more!!!! The perfect solution!

sudden but inevitable betrayal

I am one of those people that always has to pee, so I've gotten pretty good at squatting in random places and just shaking off (whatever!). One time I was driving somewhere with my boyfriend and I had to go so he found a secluded spot and I hunkered down and SURPRISE, suddenly I was pooping. I started yelling, "I'm pooping! I'm pooping! I need TP! Help!" and he grabbed me a handful of napkins from the car and I couldn't manage it because I was laughing so hard and he said, "Should I wipe you?" I did eventually pull myself together enough to wipe my own butt, but even now I remember that moment and think, "wow, that man was willing to clean up my poopy butt. That's love!"

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@sudden but inevitable betrayal I'm going to put that in my vows when/if we ever get hitched.

liverwortlaura

@sudden but inevitable betrayal i love this SO MUCH

femwanderluster

@sudden but inevitable betrayal
I just had a fit of laughter so thorough I'm crying. I can totally see myself in the same sitch..."I'm pooping! I'm pooping! Help!" LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH Amazing.

WhiskeySour

@sudden but inevitable betrayal I'm crying laughing, too. I think you win this thread.
"For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in poopy butts, in clean"

A R 3287

Ahh so many thoughts on this matter! When I was a little kid I was sooooo squeamish about these things esp. peeing outside. Now, no more.
I have IBS and I go A LOT during the day. I drink a ton of water so I pee all the time too, so maybe, like, every other time I go to the bathroom? (This kind of sucks when I have my period because it wastes tampons! I HAVE taken a shit with a tampon in, but it is really difficult and requires a lot of careful concentration.) I can go instantly, and really fast, I can almost go on command. I also can go really quietly. I think wiping standing up is super wack and I don't understand it AT ALL. Of course, I wipe the "wrong way." I use wet wipes though and haaaaate when I am without them. Honestly, I probably rely on them a little too obsessively . . . I even wipe "in" (but then I know it's really clean, esp. before sex).

I feel sad for people who can't go "in front of" (aka in the same apartment as) a boyfriend or whatever. Honestly, I hate scatological things, prefer not to talk about them with other people, and am really turned off by others' discussion of all poop related functions. But, I don't have problems doing it (discreetly) with others around? I don't know. Maybe just because I think I'm great at doing it unobtrusively. I don't have a complex about it but I find it unappealing to announce what you're doing or whatever.

I also really love peeing outside, and also will pee in any body of water . . . I think it's a little gross to pee in a pool, so I try not to, but that's what chemicals are for, and I can't say I've never done it.

fondue with cheddar

@A R 3287 I'm a front-to-backer too! I love use wet wipes, but I much prefer flushable ones because ew. But I'm sensitive to fragrances, which presents a problem. Baby wipes are available unscented, but they're not flushable (at least not the ones I've seen). Have you encountered any flushable unscented wipes?

A R 3287

@jen325 I use Cottonelle - they are flushable! And not in the "baby stuff" section, which is nice. I like the ones with aloe the best, though they're more expensive.

fondue with cheddar

@A R 3287 Good to know they make them! I don't know if I look in the wrong section or shop in the wrong stores, but I never seem to find flushable unscented ones. I'll look for them!

OxfordComma

@A R 3287 : Pooping with a tampon in--AUGH!!!!!!!!

I hate it when you've *just* changed it, and THEN your bowels decide now? Would be a great time to shit?

!!!!??!@#$!@#%!!!

simalie

@A R 3287 @OxfordComma Is this like, a poop not having enough space to make it past the tampon thing? Or like, a hygiene thing? Inquiring minds, you know!

I always just sort of hold the tampon string out of poop's way with a bit of TP, and then wipe carefully, but I have had some particularly hard/dry poops that struggled to make it past the spot in my colon where the tampon was pressing on it.

In other news, despite having read every single comment, it still feels like TMI to be writing about this! And I am generally pretty shame free when it comes to bodily functions.

A R 3287

@simalie I think it's more like it's more annoying/difficult to hold the string out of the way during that. I also think it's pretty uncomfortable, I guess from a "too many objects in one place" standpoint (ew).

simalie

@A R 3287 Haha yeah, this discussion is all very...ew. But interesting!

I understand, I guess I just never thought about what *I* do, much less what others do, I just sort of...do it. This whole thread has been like "Wow, people do that? Wait, what do I do again?" for me.

fondue with cheddar

@A R 3287 I've seen some pictures on the Internet that suggest there's no such thing as "too many objects in one place".

I prefer to poop without the tampon, but if I just put one in I just tuck the string up between my labia and it stays out of the way. I have no issues pooping with one in unless, like @simalie said, the poop is too hard and dry. But if the tampon is saturated enough the pooping will push it out anyway.

@simalie It's not the kind of thing people really talk about but it's a subject everyone can relate to, and we've all got deeply ingrained habits and opinions. It IS interesting!

OxfordComma

@simalie : No...It's more that the muscles I use to poop seem to push my tampon out of my vaginal canal.

IRRITATING.

MissMushkila

Recently, I was at my boyfriends and didn't go to the bathroom to pee after morning sex/before his shower, so when he finally got out of the bathroom I raced in there. Afterwards he was like, you could just come in during my shower, I think we might be at that level. I just looked at him and said, "No. We are not at that level. That level does not exist."

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@MissMushkila
Peeing is so not a problem for me. I could pee anywhere, anytime, ...I could probably pee with an audience..? But poop? No. I had a friend staying with me once, and she entered the bathroom while I was taking a shower, AND SHE POOPED!! She just sat down and carried on a conversation with me which I thought was odd enough, but then the telltale smell, and the flush, and OMG I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!

iknowright

@Curiouser and curiouser Were you grossed out or impressed?

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@iknowright
I was grossed out and slightly offended.

Verity

Oh god, I HATE for anyone (especially my boyfriend) to hear me when I'm in the toilet, particularly when pooing. (I could barely even write that, gah.) Ensuite bathrooms are horrible because you know the other person is right there on the other side of the thin wall and non-soundproof door. I fear moving in with my boyfriend because of this.

amarz

I have developed kind of a Pavlovian response type deal since I have lived with my boyf. Poo urges (with a few emergency "hey maybe I shouldnt have eaten that two week old icecream cake" exceptions) almost always occur when my guy has just left for work. Like... he'll be getting dressed or packing his dinner to take with him and I'll feel The Quickening. I have told him "GO TO WORK NOW. I NEED TO DO SOME UNPLEASANT THINGS" more than a few times.
We also have poo-pouri. FWIW it does work quite well. I wish it was available in every public bathroom

redheaded&crazy

@amarz "The Quickening" LOL

lue
lue

I love my bathroom fan. It automatically comes on with the light, so I don't even have the if-the-fan-is-on-they'll-know feeling.
When I was a kid, the fan switch also turned on these super bright lights (like you use in lizard cages) which my dad called Poopin' Torture Lights. Nobody in my family could poop without those lights on.

iknowright

@lue Hahaha!! I love that, it's like a Poop Interrogation Room.

Once I lived in a house that was always freezing so I'd always take the space heater into the bathroom with me. For about 6 months after moving I had trouble going poop unless the room was really hot!

Kulojam

@werewolfbarmitzvah My ex-husband took my camping for our honeymoon. 12 days of rain-soaked hiking and camping. I did not poo the entire time. Not even a little bit. I wasn't shy about pooping in front of him, it was the hole in the outhouse that got me.

Also, I wore his shoes to go pee in the middle of the night and peed on the laces. He got sooooooooo mad at me. Like, dude? I can't aim mine, alright?!?!

These things should have tipped me off sooner...

werewolfbarmitzvah

This might be the best comments section in the whole history of comments sections. The 10 year old in me is so happy about all of this poop talk going on today. What, there was a healthcare bill...? Screw it, let's talk POOP!

Lurkasaurus

Speaking of poop embarrassment...

(I CANNOT believe this is my first comment on the Hairpin. I might go find myself another username after this and continue to fiercely pretend this never ever ever happened to me. But it is just too good.)

I was studying abroad in Germany, Home of the Poopshelf Toilets. My host mother lived in an ancient West Berlin apartment with really finicky plumbing and one of the aforementioned poopshelves. This dear old toilet was unable to handle the strain of attempting to process bodily waste AND toilet paper at once, so my host mother (we were not close) had advised me to flush first, then wipe, then flush again. Most of the time I forgot, leading to semi-frequent clogging incidents, but using the plunger I could usually get things flowing again. UNTIL. One night, I'd been having stomach troubles, resulting in some unusual productivity and a lot of toilet paper damage control (which of course I undertook before I flushed). When I tried to flush, the toilet clogged. Par for the course. I grabbed the plunger and set to work...but no matter what I did, the toilet just would not unclog! My repeated attempts at flushing were raising the water level dangerously--the toilet was getting close to overflowing. That was a disaster I did NOT want to introduce into my chilly, awkward relationship with my host mother. Feeling desperate, I shoved the plunger down farther into the hole of the toilet, trying to break things up. I broke something alright... When I pulled back up on the plunger, I came away with only the wooden handle.

THE HEAD OF THE PLUNGER WAS STUCK IN THE TOILET.

I could not BELIEVE this was happening to me. But all of my desperate attempts to brainstorm some way to Macgyver the thing out of the toilet came up empty, and after sitting in the bathroom for 20 minutes or so evaluating my chances of survival were I to jump out of the 11th-story window, I realized there really was no way around it. I'd have to go get my host mother.

Once I'd explained the situation to her (I don't really remember the details of that conversation), she grabbed a pair of plastic gloves and headed to the bathroom, me trailing behind like a mortified lost puppy. My host mother put on the gloves, reached into the toilet and yanked the plunger head out, cursing up a storm (German is a very effective language to curse in) and literally wailing.

We never spoke another word to each other for the next month and a half I lived in her apartment. As much as possible, I used the bathroom at the student center from then on, and I alwaysalwaysalways flushed before I wiped.

frigwiggin

@Lurkasaurus Traumatizing! Ah! What a bummer that your host mother wasn't terribly understanding about it, though. I don't LIKE making other people deal with my poop, but shit happens! (Pun fully intended.)

angelinha

@Lurkasaurus Amazing.

angelinha

@Lurkasaurus Also, Awkward Moments With My Host Family needs to be a thread. The best time my thirteen year old host sister dripped period blood all over the bathroom floor, every month?

queen of overshare

I created an account just to discuss this!

I grew up with my mother, great big hippie, in a tiny house with one bathroom. It was normal to have her barge in while I was showering or taking a bath and settle down- usually we'd have a little chat (sometimes consisting just of "UGH!" "I know, I don't know what I ate"). To be fair, I did the same to her. To this day we discuss exceptional poos and remarkable farts. I called her up the other day and ended up describing "an apocalyptic poo."

Also, if I'm having trouble getting going, I sometimes do a wiggly little hip seated maneuver that, in my head, I call "the poo dance."

dancing devushka

I also totally created an account to be able to comment on this. Yay poop I guess.

I fall in the open about pooing camp, but I am secretly ashamed because I have too look at what I've wiped off on the TP and what's in the bowl EVERY TIME.

This is because once, after I came back from a trip to South America, I notice tiny white WORMS on the TP!!!! I'm not sure what possessed me to look that time, but I'm glad did because it meant I got my intestinal parasite taken care of. But since I do a lot of traveling still, I compulsively check my poop for little beasties.

iknowright

@dancing devushka Oh lord that is horrifying (though I'll admit I sometimes wish it turned out I just had some really obscure parasite for the past 10 years and with the pop of a pill, surprise!, all stomach illnesses cured!) -- did you not have any symptoms before noticing those buggers?

OxfordComma

Oh, this is the best thread in the history of threads.

So, here's the thing:

For some folks, not even Just the Dudes, it is NORMAL to need 20-30 minutes to take a crap. For serious.

I have weirdo, sensitive, twitchy bowels, and when they say it's time to go, they mean NOW, and it will probably take them a while to finish their business.

I get a lot of reading done in the bathroom, and no, I have no qualms about leaving books in there. I flush with the lid down, so particulate matter is minimal, and that's also why God made soap.

I am so SO grateful that the Boyfriend is also of the long-pooping needs, so we never judge each other for taking a while. We're also cool with farting in front of each other--see twitchy bowels as per above--and honestly? It's just nice to know that we can laugh about it instead of being embarrassed (but no judgment if you don't feel this way! :).

Also, because of my stomach issues, I put on my makeup while going to the bathroom, every morning. My last roommate was so amazing, not only was she not fussed by that, we actually worked out our getting ready time so she could shower while I used the loo. Seriously, great friend, right there.

(But if she hadn't been comfortable with that, it would have been fine, too--I get it! I really do.)

In short:

Some people take a long time to shit.

Please don't judge us.

OxfordComma

Also, my stomach varies WILDLY between diarrhea and constipation for days.

Makes traveling a nightmare.

...And no, I don't need more fiber. And yes, I eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and healthy fats. There is no rhyme or reason as to why my bowels pull these stunts--believe me, the doctors have tried to figure it out.

My diagnosis is pure contrariness.

byrdfish

@OxfordComma Your habits sound just like my live-in's! He has sensitive bowels and takes forever to do his business. I, on the other hand, am the quickest shitter in history. In the time it would take to pee, I have shit. 5 minutes tops, you know, unless I have crazy bowel issues going on myself.

emmeli

Haha! This is the longest comment chain ever. Because this is the "internet" I will feel comfortable sharing with you that my live in boyfriend and I are totally open-bathroom users (the bathroom is TINY and the door practically hits your knee!) but what really cleared up any lingering couples embarassment was when I had traumatic surgery last year and was on painkillers for a while. Then you can't poop and it becomes an obsession, like chugging water and chomping fiber pills and then, I got this horrible horrible thing I would never wish on anyone called a *fissure* that I'd had before and "pops up" (literally) from time to time, but worse than EVARR before so he had to deal with me like crying and trying to go to the bathroom. Luckily, I couldn't go anywhere at the time so I didn't have to try and deal with this in public too much :\ but having bathroom issues outside of regular bathroom issues must be SO HARD , like trying to bring your wipes and /or water / or whatever into public restrooms with you (so scared of being pregnant / old...)

carolita

My best friend, Juan, used to say, "I have to go make a phone call" when he had to take a dump. So for ages, I thought he was making phone calls in the toilet.

I am a poop checker: I always check to make sure everything looks normal. Weirdly, I got this habit after getting a dog, and checking her poop out to see if I was feeding her right. It just became logical to check my own, too. I knew I was a good owner when I found myself checking my dog's poop. She used to look at me do that, like, "okay? everything in order?"

But I have to tell you about two things I learned about pooping late in life. One was wiping. The "reconnoitering wipe" that just checks how bad the situation is back there, before going in with the appropriate amount of TP. I learned that from a hilarious discussion on the subject with my BF's son, who'd had a few mishaps. It's nice to know you can talk to your BF's son about anything, isn't it?

And the other, is that you should breathe a little like you're giving birth, if you get stalled. It's not good to push too hard! You should try to just let it all come out on its own. The bowels have muscles that know what to do. If it's not doing working that way, you probably need to eat more fruit.

I remember being little and me and my little brothers occasionally yelling to our mom, "Mommy! I'm STUCK!" and her saying, "You need to eat more fruit!" It's true!

Oh, hey, also, there's also a whole website dedicated to pooping, did you know that? I'm not sure how I found it, I think I was looking for those "no more monkey ass" wipes as a joke present? http://www.poopreport.com/

slammysosa

@carolita Oh yes, the doggie poop check. Pupster had some major tummy issues for the first four months after I brought him home, to the point where my mom would call for a daily poop report. He won't make eye contact while taking care of business, but definitely gets happy when I tell him "good poops today, baby!" Probably because he knows it comes with a grain-free, fat-free, chemical-free, organic pumpkin treat.

Canned pumpkin is a miracle-worker when it comes to doggie diarrhea, btw.

Killerpants

@carolita "reconnoitering wipe." ahahahhahhaa. Brilliant. Also, I think I do that but didn't realize it.

living internationally

Ah - reading this on the john - WIN

Also I still have nostalgia for the pit latrines I used in Africa - once you get over the smell and fly and thought of what could be living in the hole (and trust me you really have to need to go to get over that)the squat is fantastic.

And I may have synched up with a friend while we were there so we would ALWAYS end up talking about our poop while we simultaneously pooped in adjoining latrines (there was one hole - that is lack of privacy my friends). And now I'm sad because he lives on the other side of the planet and I haven't spoken to him in ages.

Long story short - bonding over poo (literally) in Africa

living internationally

@lessis'more Also NEVER LOOK AT THE HOLE WHEN WEARING A HEAD TORCH

Hot Doom

Ooooh my poopy hang-ups!

I can't poop when others are in close proximity or hearing distance. In fact, the idea of other people hearing me poop freaks me out so much that the only two recurring dreams I have are of 1. dying in an exploding plane and 2. pooping in a stall in a public outdoor plaza and the stall doors all disappear around me.

I am also an avid baby wipe user, though I have not yet revealed this to the husband. I think he secretly is too though. I take pride in my squeaky clean bum.

Linette

I would like to share a story.

On my very first date with the man-friend, everything was going exceptionally well, and I had informed him that I would be staying at his place that night because he had been plying me with champagne all evening and I was not fit to drive. He offered to get me a cab, and I declined in a way that made it pretty clear that he should definitely want me to stay.

So far, so good. I enter his apartment for the very first time, which is nice and clean and well-furnished and all things that one would hope for in a man-friend's apartment, and I go to the restroom, where THE MOST MASSIVE TURD awaits me in the toilet.

Just, you know. Hanging out. Floating. Being a turd.

It is a testament to how into this man I was that I just flushed it and said nothing and went to bed with him as if I hadn't just encountered his, shall we say, worst side. I discovered later that this toilet is a notorious pain in the ass - you have to hold the handle for about a year just to make sure your business has really gone all the way down and isn't coming right back up. He was not actually the sort of person who would leave his poo sitting around all evening while he went on a date. I have never told him that my first impression of his home was somewhat poo-tainted, and never shall.

This is just to say to all those who are really scared of their person hearing/seeing/experiencing their poo-time in any way, that if your person is really into you, they will probably not stop being into you because they encountered your poo. So speaketh experience.

apples and oranges

I don't know if anyone is still reading but this was amazing and I laughed soo much. And also want to share a poop story. So - sometimes when I get really anxious I just poop A LOT. Also occasionally the morning after drinking. Once after hooking up with a more-or-less stranger dude and spending the night at his place, I woke up feeling a. anxious as hell; b. hungover. It was poopin' time. I spent 30-40 minutes in his bathroom just pooping, then not pooping but waiting for the next one. Because I thought it would be worse to keep getting in and out of bed. Eventually when I was all pooped out I left the apartment without saying goodbye.
Thankfully, his bathroom had a fan.

Purpleisafruit

I registered just to comment on this. Earlier this year while backpacking through India I got very sick with a stomach bug. My lowest point was sitting on the toilet and yelling out to my boyfriend that I was about to faint - he ran in just in time to catch me while I simultaneously pooed and fainted. I painted. As An Extremely Clean Person I was mortified but as A Sick Person I just didn't care. Now THAT'S love.

Serafina

@Purpleisafruit Oh no, that is such an unfortunate thing to have happen on vacation (it sounds like a vacation?). I'm sorry. :c

Though it reminded me of this one time I had the /nastiest/ four-day food poisoning right before Thanksgiving. I had some bad yogurt I guess? I woke up in the middle of the night and my guts were like "oh man you have no idea what's in store for you," so I got up to go to the bathroom and fainted in the doorway, waking up my roommate and soiling myself with nasty diarrhea. And then the janitors had to come through the dorms to clean the shit stain off the carpet and I think they knew it was me because of the looks they gave me, but for the next four days I was either vomiting, spitting up bile/water, or having diarrhea, or all at the same time; or I was asleep, or legitimately unconscious. So unfun. I couldn't even eat Thanksgiving food which is the best! because of my stomach thing, and I can't eat pumpkin pie which used to be my favorite! because the yogurt was pumpkin pie spice flavored. And any time I think about pumpkin pie I lose my appetite, which at first my friends thought was funny so they were jerks about it and constantly brought it up. (But I didn't tell them how bad it was.)

(I never told anybody that story in all its glory before.)

redheaded&crazy

okay i know this has been said above but damn y'all i am impressed with how much we like to talk about shit! I mean.

DAMN.

einahpets17

@breccia re: cats staring at you while they poop: YES. Our crazier cat totally loves litter boxes and pooping and peeing, and she often locks eyes with you (with a vacant stare) while she does it. Her poop face is ridiculous - you can see her whiskers move with each "push."

einahpets17

@A R 3287 and @Oxford Comma - Pooping with a tampon in is the worst! Especially early on when you are extra crampy. Plus my bowel translates uterine cramps into intestinal cramps, causing more poop woe than usual.

Scandyhoovian

@einahpets17 Mine does that, too! First two days of my period always come with less-than-normal unfun poop woes. :(

einahpets17

RE: standing up to wipe - this is how drips get on the toilet seat, people!!! Unless you are a TP ninja or something.

TheDragon

I will always always pee outside. On road trips I will gas up, drive 5 miles out of town, pull over, and pee.
I was also practically raised outside... so there's that...

TheDragon

@The Kendragon I also just realized that my dog has better manners than me. I don't have a problem pooping in front of a highway of truck drivers, and he will NOT poop if anyone is outside. Road trips stress him out so much because he has to poop in front of me and he HATES it.

Xanthophyllippa

@The Kendragon Dogs always look so embarrassed when they poop. Their eyebrows suggest they are deeply worried that we're judging them.

lemonadefish

A number of things related to this thread:
I love peeing anywhere, on anything, in front of anyone.
I will poop at work, but I try not to grunt if others are in the bathroom.
I believe my husband and I had pooped with each other in the room before we ever had sex. We never close the door, and occasionally call each other in to look at funny shaped turds. We often IM each other at work to announce having pooped.
I cannot poop if the toilet seat is padded. Never! It seems like sitting on furniture.
It took me nearly 10 days to poop after arriving in Thailand to find squat toilets. I wasn't freaked out or anything, I just had a hard time convincing my body that it was allowed to poop while squatting.
The cat does not like anyone to watch him poop, but sometimes he hops on my lap while I am pooping. He is always annoyed when it's time to wipe.
My freedom with elimination may stem from growing up with a composting toilet with no door (had to pee outside, never really experienced private pooping...). But my husband is just as free, and grew up in a regular suburban fashion, so who knows?

uneauwhat

I was thinking about this recently. The whole farting thing while my partner is around... HE DOESN'T CARE... I apparently sleep fart, which is super unsexy, and he thinks it is hilarious but he never makes fun of me for it. It only came up once when I asked him what I talked about in my sleep and he was like do you mean what your bum said?

Ginger Snap@facebook

@uneauwhat i do the same! the other day it woke my guy up who over slept for work, he's lucky huh?!

alphonsegaston

Good grief, I'm a 78 year old female who has never realized how difficult toilet issues are for some people. True, I don't like to make loud noises in public bathrooms and often wait for another person to flush, but the level of strange behavior here is, well, interesting. At my age it is impossible to avoid farting whenever, and I just laugh it off. However,I pride myself on teaching for over 40 years with nary a public fart.

lemonadefish

Oh! Is anyone still here? Everyone who wishes they had a bidet! Get a sprayer that hooks to your toilet tank! Like this! http://www.pottypail.com/ there are several on Amazon for around $40. My apartment in Helsinki had one like this (only permanent) and it was awesome for rinsing my Diva cup, in addition to tidying up after poos.

Killerpants

@lemonadefish You may have changed my life forever.

fondue with cheddar

Oh, and by the way...I would love to organize someone's bathroom, and I would approach it as SERIOUS BUSINESS just like Jolie. Organizing IS fun!

Decca

Oh Hairpin. Thank you. I worked the evening shift at my restaurant last night and during the last hour began to feel a little "off" in my stomach. By this stage most of the diners had gone home and we were just cleaning up. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I had diarrhea. I came home and spent a miserable night running in and out of the bathroom, my misery tempered only by reading each and every single one of these comments on my phone. Solidarity!

Jane Err

@Decca The Hairpin needs an App, stat.

Boog

On a poop related note...I started doing yoga and came across poses that help you poop. Here's a link to some of my favorite poses for those times when you're struggling to go.
http://fullpotentialyoga.com/articles/poopasana.pdf

Myrtle

Painkillers and pooping-argh. But it got me thinking about people who use squat toilets and how they think sitting on a public seat is disgusting and unsanitary, plus that sitting immobilizes the largest muscle in our bodies and no wonder we Westerners strain and get hemorrhoids (Did I mention I'm on painkillers? My brain is crazed) so I got up and squatted over the bowl and by golly, problem solved.

nissaday

Wow, so much discussion! I read about half of the comments, but don't have time to read all of them. My thoughts: wipe front to back so as not to bring poop germs to your other sensitive areas. And I have a bit of poop-phobia as well. I can now pee with other people in the public bathroom without much stress, finally. But people!! Imagine if any of us ever went to JAIL and had to use that toilet that's out in the middle of the cell! We would all die of impacted bowels.

hilbilly

this is seriously going to change my life, holy shit (!).

Serafina

I Do Not use public bathrooms except in cases of extreme emergency, and there hasn't yet been an emergency that extreme. It took me forever to find a bathroom on my college campus that I could use (and now that I've graduated but still work on campus I use it exclusively). It's pretty nice - the biggest one on campus, with yellow wall tile and terra-cotta floor tile and lovely large stalls with the squeakiest doors ever. It's pretty much the last bathroom on campus without a sensor flush system, and the best part of all is that it's in such a weird place that there's only been someone else in it a couple of times!
I also Do Not poo in front of people, but I had an ex who squatted on the toilet like a baseball catcher when he did. He was much more Everybody Poos than I am. (I am, however, very much Everybody Farts.)

Ginger Snap@facebook

i hate when people have to address your poop. yes, yes, everybody does it but (dad) when i'm in the bathroom you don't have to walk by and say "ARE YOU POOPING?!" also, (stranger) when you learn that I am lactose intolerant, you do not have to say something like "oh doesn't that make you shit like crazy or something?" because first, no. not always, sometimes it just feels like I drank drano and my stomach lining is coming off, and two: that part of it is just not necessary to bring up! most people feel bad about it anyways because they could not live without dairy so just have sympathy and keep quiet lol!

and a funny story, when i was about 7 months pregnant, i went into preterm labor my lovely boyfriend spent the night there with me, peeing ain't no thing with us, so it wasn't a big deal that the bathroom in the room just had a curtain instead of a door. we don't really talk about poop, tough. I have an IV in so i'm peeing like crazy and hes peeing, were really over it at this point we just want the baby to stay inside. then around noon all of a sudden he says "i have to poop so don't listen" and i almost pooped too from laughing so hard!

rocknrollunicorn

My boyfriend and I are moving in together soon and recently had a conversation about bathroom habits when he asked if he could leave the door open while peeing so we could continue a conversation. I was hesitant to agree and then told him that while peeing, EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE, is okay, but never while pooping. Because I just don't want to be one of those couples anytime soon, if ever. We agreed to this rule.

Also, I've only read like 1/8 of the comments, but so far this is the best commenting section EVER.

T A@twitter

"Man, I really love organizing things."
Jolie, can I be your friend? I'm in the process of (another) international move, and I realize that you are what's missing from my life. Alternatively, will you marry me?

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