Friday, May 4, 2012


The Oral History of Deadwood: Part One

In the wake of Vanity Fair's fascinating retrospectives of Friends and The Sopranos, we here at The Hairpin sat down with the characters of the late, lamented HBO original drama, Deadwood.

Al Swearengen: I was having lunch with my agent, a bonafide New York Jew, a real Heeb, and needling him about trying my can of pork and beans. "Al," he said to me, "how would you like a trip out West?" And, I won't lie to you, I was tired of all the cocksuckers in the summer stock I was doing at the time. "Scale?" I said. "Whores and dope," he said. The next thing I know, I was packing my dirtiest linen and booking a wagon train.

Alma Garret – You know what I remember? I remember they told me not to shave my pits. And then Joanie Stubbs, she said to me, look, they're right. A lot of men like it, and you are a LOCK for the Emmy. Not-shaving your pits is basically pulling a Monster. And then Calamity Jane got the nomination instead. To be fair, I don't think she was shaving her pits either. I was always out of place on that set. Thank God for the laudanum, while it lasted.

Doc Cochrane – Alma and the laudanum (shakes head).

Seth Bullock – I had a lot on my plate. For my purposes, Alma was easier to deal with while she was still on the damn stuff. You think the rest of us were sober as judges? The crew begged us to lay off the whiskey.

Al Swearengen – People think I'm unpleasant. Seth was the unpleasant one. Grousing, grousing around, constantly. We tried whores. We tried dope. I feel like I tried to be friendly. I made numerous overtures. He'd just put on that damn hat and stomp off, like he had somewhere to be. With the Widow Garret, mostly, as it turned out. Maybe she coaxed the occasional smile out of him, but I never saw that smug cocksucker so much as nod his head.

Alma Garret – Seth? Everyone told me to give it up. Calamity, Joanie, the Borg Queen. Jane would show up, loaded, day and night, trying to get me to read her copy of "He's Just Not That Into You."

Calamity Jane
– Huh! That man was into her snatch like it was made of molten gold, he was just always going to be more into being fuckin' NOBLE about everything, all the fuckin' time. I was the idiot. I'd have done anything for her. She had that way about her, just ask Ellsworth. Too goddamn late for THAT, isn't it?

EB Farnum – We always had problems with the suits, that was the worst of it. "EB, you're not likable," they'd say. "All of the focus groups hate you. You come across as sort of a petulant, whiny, conniving sort, without any real redeeming qualities." Well, then why did they make me mayor?

Sol Star – After he became mayor, there was no dealing with Farnum. The Jew jokes? It began to seem like he'd been holding back before. Say what you want about Seth, that was never his way. Sure, he'd be snide about Trixie, he'd double-check the register to make sure I wasn't giving away rakes, but he never rode me about being a Jew. I don't know where any of them got off doing it, anyway. D'ya remember seeing any churches? Apart from that one, nutcase preacher, where was everyone getting their whole Christian thing on? Anyway, I'm a Scientologist, now. Fewer jokes, if you can believe it.

Wu – I was tired of going on callbacks for Miss Saigon, if you want to know. And I liked Swedgen. He treated a man right.

Part Two to follow next Friday.

45 Comments / Post A Comment

Melissa Locker@facebook

I had to stop watching Deadwood when my kid was little because I was worried his first word would be COCKSUCKER!

Heat Signature

@Melissa Locker@facebook We had to stop watching Deadwood because we were no longer able to pirate HBO's signal. ALLEGEDLY.


@Melissa Locker@facebook "Worried"?


@Melissa Locker@facebook it's horrifying and hilarious when your kids pick up funny/bad dialog. when my littlest was 3 he was running around tellign people to bite his shiny metal ass. :/ but also <3

Spooky Behaviour

This is the greatest Hairpin post of ALL TIME. Nicole, can we be best friends and read books and watch Deadwood together?

The Lady of Shalott

AHHHHHH DEADWOOD AHHHHHHHHH Great television show? Or GREATEST television show?

And WHYYYY was it so cruelly cancelled? It's like HBO wanted us to suffer.


@The Lady of Shalott GREATEST.

Prostitute Robot From The Future

@The Lady of Shalott I miss it so much :(


@The Lady of Shalott Greatest. I know a lot of people yammer on about The Wire being the "Greatest," and while I admit, The Wire was fucking fantastic, it just cannot compare to Deadwood.


I was about to get really upset about the heeb stuff unti lI realized it was the characters and not real people.





fondue with cheddar


At first I didn't like the character because he seemed to stereotypical, but that was before I realized how awesome he was.


@jen325 WU AMERICAN!!!!

He is so so awesome.



This is seriously the best thing that could have happened to me this morning. The things I would not do for Deadwood...


Times I realized I maybe wasn't like everyone else:
After half a season of Deadwood I started reading reviews for it, and apparently every other word said was profanity? I did not notice, I thought they were speaking like normal people.


Nicole, this is the greatest. There's going to be a part two!!!

I respectfully submit that the tag on this post should read "Timothy Olyphant in a hat"


@TheBelleWitch Isn't the hat implied?


@@serenityfound The hat is always with us.


Just finished season 2 on DVD last night!! I love this show so much.


Mornin'! Best time of day to go fuck yourself!

God, I loved that show. Fucking cocksockers that took it off the air.


@Kirs Hooplehead Box Office doesn't know what they've got comin' for 'em.


Favorite thing: Borg Queen shout-out. Now I just want a Golden Girls/Sex in the City with Alma, Jane, Trixie, and the Borg Queen.

Princess Slayer

Part two involves a nude Timothy Olyphant, right?


@Princess Slayer Completely naked, except for his hat...


Tim Olyphant in A and/or The Hat fans, I have to ask - you are all watching Justified, right?

Because, mmm. Yes.


@alpelican WANT. i am waiting for netflix to get it. or for it to be on sale at target. either way.


@alpelican Yes. Yes. And yes. Although I missed this last season because I had to cancel cable. But will netflix this shit out of it when it's on.

Other men who look good in cowboy hats: Joel McHale and Josh Holloway (learned from the paintball episode of Community). I would like all three of them, in cowboy hats, in my bedroom. Now.

Princess Slayer

@alpelican JUSTIFIED. The third season was over far too soon. I need more Deputies Raylan and Tim in my life.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

Ugh there is a Calamity Jane quote that I love and I can't remember what it was - she's outside in the rain, upset - I think it's the pig episode? or she's by the pig pens? It's not "Be fucked!" although that's pretty good too.


@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) "I don't drink in a bar where I'm the only one with balls!"

fondue with cheddar

@Brunhilde YES. Love her so much.


@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) "You with that ugly fuck by your own free will, Doc?!"

fondue with cheddar

@BadWolf Oh, Swidgen.


i love this show to death. LOVE it! unhealthy obsession with seth. *cough* i may or may not have named one of my kids seth. *cough*


I justified watching season one *the second time* because the first viewings I kept thinking of Seth as Todd from GO.

Now I just try to figure out how to incorporate the "WU, Swegen finger cross of togetherness into my wedding vows.


@Reap_What_You_Sew AMERICA!


@Reap_What_You_Sew instead of "I do" say "hang dai"


Maybe my favorite thing ever! I watched the complete series on HBO go this past summer, cause I had a lot of time off. And I was so, so bummed when it ended. I love Tim O on Justified, but man I miss Deadwood. Also, I love the tags for this post.

fondue with cheddar

I LOVE THIS, by the way. So much.


Sol, I love you forever, but we need to talk about this Scientology thing. Call me.

(Also, did you guys notice Trixie in Hunger Games?!)


@Lucienne Yes! I was like, 'with Trxie as her mom, no wonder Katniss is such a badass!' I think Paula Malcomson is mind-blowingly good in pretty much everything she does, but is so underrated.

I'm crossing my fingers we get an excellent Trixie quote in Part 2.


Google must know me, since googling "Deadwood Vanity Fair" led me here. But where o where is part 2?

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