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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

95

The Essential Pocket Guide to Monster Survival

Globsters

One of the earliest recorded globsters – The St. Augustine Monster of 1896.

Class: Unidentified organic mass

Threat Level: 1.5 out of 5 screams. (They might be lifeless, but they are SO gross.)

Summary: Globster” is a term used to describe unidentifiable, seemingly dead carcasses that wash up on seashores. That this phenomenon is so common as to need its own name, and that that name is “globster,” is really all you need to know. In 2003, the 14-ton Chilean Blob globster motionlessly and silently terrorized a nation — onlookers probably reported feeling as though the mass was “looking at [them], seriously, get it awayyyeeee.” In this one particular case, scientists allegedly found that DNA from the blob matched that of a sperm whale, but ask yourself: wouldn’t it be clever of globster monsters to mimic the DNA of natural animals?

How to Survive: It doesn’t take a water scientist to guess that the main reason globsters come to land is because they’re looking for human blood. You should be staying 100 yards from any coastline, at minimum, at all times. Especially while menstruating. What non-evil thing has ever emerged from the water of its own accord? Not one thing! 

Jersey Devil

Cute shoes!

Class: Winged biped

Threat Level: 2 out of 5 screams.

Summary: According to legend, the Jersey Devil was born to New Jersey resident Mrs. Leeds in 1735, after she understandably wished that her thirteenth child would be born a devil so she could be done already. This creature — bony, winged body, spindly hoofed legs, and a horse-like face — immediately set about roaming the New Jersey Pine Barrens for the rest of eternity. Sightings continue to this day, and are recorded by American heroes “The Devil Hunters.” The illuminatingly vague reports include:

2007: “In January, a man watched a strange creature fly out of the woods.”

2009: “Strange screeches were heard and a singular hoof print found in Mayetta.”

Spooky stuff.

How to Survive: Unfortunately, no known defense mechanisms against the Jersey Devil exist.

Dammit.

Bigfoot

A little hot, right?

Class: Bipedal humanoid

Threat Level: 2.5 out of 5 screams. (There are some who propagate the idea that Bigfoot is relatively non-threatening, but doesn’t it seem suspicious that the only people around to say how non-threatening he is are alive?)

Summary: Bigfoot are usually described as being 6-10 feet tall ape-like humanoids, with red or brown hair covering their entire bodies. Presumably, there are both male and female Bigfoot, but because of the way they walk, most Bigfoot just kind of seem like guys and are thus usually referred to as “him.” Sightings are common, and occasionally frightening; watch this stirring news story about the experience of self-proclaimed mountain man Tim Peeler for just one example. Lest you have any doubt about Bigfoot’s existence, Jane F%#*ing Gooddall said “I’m sure that they exist.”

How to Survive: If you see a Bigfoot, your prehistoric ancestral instinct is going to tell you to make out with him. Do it! Use your sexuality to get what you want: survival. For seduction tips, consult what appears to be a very to-the-point manual.

Drop Bears

Closest known visual approximation.

Class: Mutated arboreal carnivorous marsupial

Threat Level: 3 out of 5 screams

Summary: If at first glance these creatures look like sweet and cuddly Koala bears, look closer. These beasts “drop” from trees onto unsuspecting hikers and tear them limb from limb. Cynics at Wikipedia suggest that drop bears are not “real,” but why, then, would the Australian Museum list them in their species catalog? Later, the Museum would backpedal, claiming the page was intended as a joke. The reason you don’t get the “joke” is because drop bears are serious. Deadly serious.

How to Survive: Arm yourself with knowledge: watch this short, authentic documentary, which definitely does not feature the filmmaker’s grandmother and friends as unpaid actors displaying varying degrees of enthusiasm. Finally, locals suggest putting Vegemite behind one’s ears to ward off drop bears. It’s gross, but you know what’s grosser? Decapitation.

Tiyanak

Possible Tiyanak.

Class: Undead humanoid infant

Threat Level: 4 out of 5 screams.

Summary: This creature disguises itself as a harmless, adorable baby, drawing in its victims by crying in mock helplessness so that unsuspecting bystanders will pick it up. At that moment, the Tiyanak will transform into a tiny, vampiric nightmare, alternately described as “a little old man” with a right leg that is “much shorter” than the left, a small “nut-brown” person who floats, or simply a clawed and fanged baby. All awful! You can look them up, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

How to Survive: Treat each crying baby you see as though it were a potential elderly floating vampire with short leg syndrome, and flee. If it WAS a Tiyanak, you will have just escaped certain death. If it WASN’T a Tiyanak, at least you will have escaped a crying baby.

Astral Spiders

Are these normal spiders or astral spiders? It depends which plane you’re on.

Class: Higher realm-based arthropods

Threat Level: 5 out of 5 screams. Spiders! Terrifying!

Summary: Astral spiders are like normal spiders, except that they exist on the astral plane and can only be seen clairvoyantly. They tend to attack those that meditate or otherwise participate in out-of-body experiences, and are 100% worse than real spiders in that they cannot be crushed with books. They will also devour your aura. Try saying THAT three times fast, only don’t, because it might summon the spiders.

How to Survive: First of all, you could just stay on your own plane where you belong. But if you insist on plane hopping, the Australian mystic Robert Bruce recommends ridding yourself of astral spiders by cleansing your atmosphere with his Purple Fire Audio (bottom of the page). Incredibly, you can download the 5-minute mp3 for free. It involves imagining you and your room covered in raging purple flames. Very soothing; I feel less spidery already.

 

Katie Heaney loves this stuff, and thinks you should also check out the very cool and very scary “10 Famous Ghost Pictures and Their Story.”



95 Comments / Post A Comment

TheBourneApproximation

Spiders?! Spiders!! Aaaah!

vittoriama

great pictures here@v

whateverlolawants

The Bigfoot video with Tim Peeler... I love America.

Couldn't the drop bears be rapid koalas? Rabid, I mean.

Finally, Etsy sellers, you've found a new market: Jersey devil protective talismans.

boysplz

@whateverlolawants There's no rabies in Australia! They're certifiable cryptids.

They're certainly rapid though.

whateverlolawants

@boysplz Wow! No rabies in Australia! They don't know what they're missing.

Also, doing a Google image search for cryptids turns up some really creepy results. I love it.

youresmalltime

I thought this said an essential guide to Pocket Monster survival.

1) Surf eastern coast of Cinnabar Island.

nyikint

@Third Wave Housewife

Is it bad that Katie's description of Bigfoot made me think of the dude you wrote about seducing one time? Tall, long red hair and hot?

Am I remembering this correctly?

redheaded&crazy

@nyikin where are all the tall red headed hotties in my life???

rupert you don't count you're just a picture

anachronistique

@redheaded&crazie Rupert is also only tall when he's standing next to Daniel Radcliffe.

redheaded&crazy

@anachronistique :'( why do you have to kill my dreams and break my spirit

it's okay rupert i would still do you. for those shoulders. helloooo shoulders.

Porn Peddler

@nyikin HAHAHAHAH WHAT. When did I do this?! I have never seduced a tall redhead!

Tall with lots of hair? Oh yeah, totally into that.

meetapossum

@redheaded&crazie I know one tall red-headed British hottie who is not just a picture. (Well, actually I know two, because they're brothers, but one is gay.)

nyikint

@Third Wave Housewife Well, if you haven't seduced a tall redhead, you need to now! Just so you can fulfill the image that a random internet stranger has of you..

@redheaded&crazie C'MON YOU GUYS, HOW ARE WE NOT MENTIONING CONAN? And this guy as a left-field contender.

meetapossum

The obvious answer to the Jersey Devil is just not to go into the Pine Barrens, because Pineys are weird, and so's the Jersey Devil.

meetapossum

Also, Napoleon's brother spotted the Jersey Devil, so it seems pretty legit.

noodge

@meetapossum I've camped in the pine barrens, just before Halloween, and although I was scared of the Jersey Devil, I was much more frightened of the Pineys. (to the point of using things to try to block the light from our small campfire when we heard pineys approaching in the distance.)

ironhoneybee

@teenie I just tried to camp in the Pine Barrens last weekend, but had to head home because of all the ticks and—seriously—timber rattlesnakes. Mrs. Leeds and her devil baby would have been a welcome alternative.

fondue with cheddar

@meetapossum I grew up in New Jersey just outside the edge of the Pine Barrens. I loved the stories as a kid and was terrified of the Pine Barrens until my teens when I discovered that the Pine Barrens were the best place to have sex. Pineys are indeed a strange lot, but I'm familiar enough with them that they don't really worry me. At least no more than any other random strangers.

meetapossum

@jen325 Oh, I actually have nothing against Pineys, and I think the Pine Barrens are actually pretty lovely, but you know, New Jerseyians! We need something to make fun of because everyone makes fun of us.

fondue with cheddar

@meetapossum You're right, but while Pineys are easy to make fun of, maybe we shouldn't make fun of other New Jerseyans because the rest of the country does it so well already. At least that's the conclusion we reached in a comment thread on an earlier post about North vs. South Jersey. Jerseyans unite! :)

Every state probably has its version of the Piney. We should make a list!

meetapossum

@jen325 Um, clearly the best part is Central Jersey ;)

I am curious as to what other states call their Pineys, though!

fondue with cheddar

@meetapossum Oh, don't you start! ;)

I suppose hillbillies would be like Pineys, right?

SarahP

I am horrified that I will one day be swimming in the ocean and kick a globster. Even if it's dead! "Foot coming into contact with Globster" is now going to be the subject of every single one of my nightmares.

meetapossum

@SarahP And now I have my own new nightmare. Thanks, SarahP!

SarahP

@meetapossum If there is just one thing at which I excel, it is sharing my stress, paranoia, and neuroticism with others.

Leslie Popplewell

@SarahP Fears like this are why all my swimming is confined to swimming pools, properly clorinated. Who knows what your foot is bumping into down there?

OhMarie

@SarahP I thought the same thing. I'm already terrified of maybe stepping on a crab!!

SarahP

@Leslie Popplewell One of my least favorite feelings in the world is to have my foot or leg hit a wad of seaweed while swimming. And NOW I'm going to fear it's a Globster!

MoonBat

@SarahP I live near Saint Augustine, and we don't actually call them Globsters, that would be impolite. We stick to "tourists", or "snowbirds". And we don't kick them. Especially since they tend to be so painfully sunburned all of the time.

Nutmeg

@SarahP Ugghhhhhh seaweeeeed. I got super spoiled the year I lived in Hawai'i and was all, "WAIT YOUR OCEAN LOOKS LIKE THIS???" By the time I came back to the east coast I had forgotten what it was like to rinse the seaweed out of the inside of your bathing suit after a day at the beach.

Of course I don't swim in the ocean any more because Boston

fondue with cheddar

@SarahP What was that movie where someone tried to push a whale carcass and they ended up pushing through it and they fell into the dead whale? That is my nightmare.

SarahP

@jen325 What. WHAT. WHAT?!?!?!

@Nutmeg New England is definitely the worst for seaweed somehow getting in all the most private parts of one's bathing suit/body.

fondue with cheddar

@SarahP I'm sure I saw it somewhere. It was fiction, but still IT WAS THE GROSSEST THING.

leonstj

Aaaaaaaand there goes my Amazon recommendations. Amazon is now telling me I should buy the Mugaritz cookbook, a pastry wheel, a fountain pen, and a Kindle collection of "50 Paranormal Sex Stories (Erotica)"

redheaded&crazy

@leon.saintjean god, a PASTRY WHEEL?! it's like amazon doesn't even get you.

sidenote: i would buy "50 paranormal sex stories"

Megasus

@redheaded&crazie Me too.

redheaded&crazy

@Megano! would you rather:

sex with an Other or a dementor?

JadedStone

@redheaded&crazie OR is that the best threesome ever?

frigwiggin

@redheaded&crazie Oh man! One time I was hanging out at a friend's house and we came across these books that either her mom or one of her aunts had owned--Hot Blood I and II, erotic horror story anthologies. Oh, it was a treasure trove. The only story I remember is one called "The Thang," where a guy (I think?) pays a stereotypical gypsy lady to make his penis bigger, and it grows to like six feet long and takes him on a rampage, much to everyone's horror. And it is never referred to as a penis, only as "the thang." EROTIC.

gtrachel

@redheaded&crazie I read "sex with an otter" and I was like, "that could be fun..."

meetapossum

@frigwiggin And now I have just been reminded of the movie Bad Biology, which involves a runaway penis.

Megasus

@redheaded&crazie Definitely a dementor, because I have a hood/cape fetish.

redheaded&crazy

@Megano! not to mention it would be a soul baring experience

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie you're cut off from the internet for that one

tessamae

OMG. THAT KOALA PIC IS THE BEST THING EVER.

Prostitute Robot From The Future

@tessamae That thing scared the crap out of me. Like Evil Bert, that shit is just wrong.

laurel

@tessamae It made me lol.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

While I'm clearly not the authority here, I have to say that scary-dead-non-dead babies are more scream-worthy than astral spiders. Not to say that spiders aren't Always Terrifying (they are!), but it's always scarier in movies when a baby cry leads to horror.

applestoapples

Can we put these in order of likelihood of representation in a future SciFi Channel feature? I really want to see a movie about Drop Bears.

tessamae

@applestoapples Starring Tiffany and Debbie Gibson again, natch.

Heat Signature

@applestoapples (assumes Comic Book Guy voice) I believe you meant to spell it "SyFy", as that is the channel's proper name.

applestoapples

@Heat Signature I'm aware. I typed SciFi out of protest.

Porn Peddler

y'all post the best shit right before I have to go to work on Wednesdays :/ I love cryptids! (globster is one of the best terms for those suckers. I like montauk monster as a general term.)

Ellie

@Third Wave Housewife I was surprised to see no mention of "the" Montauk Monster! (I thought the picture at the top was of it at first)

sudden but inevitable betrayal

I just want you to know that putting the link to the 10 Famous Ghost Pictures article in your bio means I am DEFINITELY going to click on it and scare myself. So, great, Katie Heaney! JUST GREAT.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@sudden but inevitable betrayal I'm never sleeping again.

Megasus

@sudden but inevitable betrayal I did not even see that, and I refuse to look.

feartie

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Dammit! I clicked too -eeeech. Now I'm home alone and slightly unwell. I shall try to find something distracting on cute overload or cake wrecks to get me through.

tessamae

@sudden but inevitable betrayal NO. The one with the dead mother in the backseat WITH THE GLOWING EYES AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*rocks self for comfort*

anachronistique

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Really? The huge MS Paint red arrows didn't make you giggle?

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@anachronistique You mean the GHOSTS OF MS PAINT ARROWS?

The Lady of Shalott

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Ahhh I always look at things like this and then SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF MYSELF WHY WHY DO I DO I WHY.

Wikipedia is great for these photos. Like, that one photo of the little girl in England in the 70s with the SPACEMAN in the background? And her family was all DUDE WTF when they got it developed? Trufax: Usually when I'm reading online I just PgDn PgDn all the time, but with scary photos I have to use the arrows to go down sloooowly IN CASE IT'S TOO SCARY FOR ME.

Megasus

@The Lady of Shalott THERE ARE LOTS OF THOSE SPACEMAN PICS. OMG THOSE CREEPED ME OUT SO MUCH FOR SOME REASON!

The Lady of Shalott

@Megano! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Holy crap, that scares me EVEN MORE.

New Hoarder

Re: monsters. Can we talk about this? http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/05/29/mermaids-animal-planet-body-found/

I am pretty much suicidal over missing it.

tessamae

@New Hoarder I KNOW. And I just searched Animal Planet's listings, it's not scheduled to be on any time soon. :(

Emby

@New Hoarder Did you learn about that thanks to Snopes.com??? Cuz I did!

twinkiesandwine

@New Hoarder I heard about it and then lucked into a re-run on Monday, but I was more upset about the Navy causing mass whale beachings with their radar experiments than about a mermaid cover-up/conspiracy.

I do confess that I got bored when they started getting into actual science-y talk and switched to Keeping Up With the Kardashians (which can be nearly as terrifying as the toxic-sludge monster mermaids they were talking about on the show).

frigwiggin

Oh my god! Hairpin! You don't even know how much I love cryptozoology. Possibly too much while still being an employed human being. I was obsessed with my brother's Monstrous Manuals from D&D when I was a kid, and when I learned about REAL fake-real creatures, my heart just exploded. My favorite is the nuckelavee, the skinless man-horse with a single terrible eye, bare flesh, and pulsing veins that is also somehow a Scottish water elf. Google image search is a treasure trove.

New Hoarder

@frigwiggin One of my fave books to trot out at social events: The Feejee Mermaid and Other Essays in Natural and Unnatural History. Ahhhhhh

Heat Signature

@New Hoarder Oh, we have a cryptozoology museum in the city I live near, and it claims to have the original Feejee Mermaid! We took our four year-old son there, and it was awesome.

frigwiggin

@Heat Signature Ahh! Why can't there be one near meeeeeee

Heat Signature

@frigwiggin Why not start one of your own? Banks are full of people who adore cryptozoology and are just itching to lend money to anyone even tangentially connected to the field.

frigwiggin

@Heat Signature Now THAT would truly be living the American dream.

stormageddon

@frigwiggin Oh man, Monster Manuals.

Thanks for the nuckalevee tipoff, truly, he is glorious. Personally, my favorite Scottish water pixie death-horse-man is the each usige. Eats everything but your liver. (why????)

But I mostly love how the Scots have multiple kinds of murderous water-pixie-horse-men. I mean, we haven't even touched the kelpie, here.

JadedStone

There was a freakishly scary baby.. thing.. in the graphic comic Witch Doctor. It gave me nightmares for days. I can't find an actual picture of the freaky thing but this gives you a 'feel' of the book: http://captaincomics.ning.com/forum/topics/preview-witch-doctor-vol-1-under-the-knife

It's VERY good though!

ALSO - did anybody else watch the weird documentary show about these things? Beast Wars? I think that's what it was called. It was terrible, but almost amazing? Especially the CGI re-enactment at the end.

sceps yarx

@Jade I definitely think Tiyanak should be upgraded to 5 out of 5 screams. Thanks for the comic rec!

saythatscool

Did Katie Heaney just tell me to go fuck a Bigfoot?

redheaded&crazy

@saythatscool POSTHASTE.

laurel

@saythatscool Yes, and you know what they say about cryptids with big feet?

(Seriously, though, the bigfoot in that drawing is adorable. I'd go on a picnic with him.)

Katie Heaney

@saythatscool YUP

Pocket Witch

How many screams does melis rate?

cbrownson

UGH WHERE WERE THE TRIGGER WARNINGS?

Is It a Hat?

Cute shoes! This cracked me up for a second...then I went back to being terrified.

Hello Kidney

While we're on the topic of TERRIFYING(!!!), did everybody hear about the Real Life Face-eating Zombie-man?

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@Hello Kidney I have seen it mentioned many many times but I refuse to actually read about it on the grounds that I need to sleep again at some point in my life.

fondue with cheddar

@Hello Kidney That was terrifying, indeed! My coworker and I have been discussing it, and he said he read somewhere that there are at least a couple other stories like that one that haven't been publicized. JUST SAY NO TO BATH SALTS.

staircases

I'm thinking I should relabel my textbooks, because I'll basically read anything labeled Katie Heaney and love the snot out of it. I do think the Jersey Devil should have its rating increased, though. It attacked a group of people and there were multiple witnesses!

Kate Kane

I read "Pocket Monsters" in the headline for this twice. Damn you, Pokemon.

And now I'll actually read the article, okay? Okay!

Inkling

REGARDING DROP BEARS:

My dad has a great story about hiking and camping off-site in Yellowstone. When approached by a group of concerned, ready-to-tattle hikers, he explained that he and his brother are scientists, studying Callawastics (cah-lah-WAS-tics, named by James Callawastic). Callawastics are nocturnal gopher/bear hybrids which hunt by dropping from the treetops and subduing humans by breaking their necks. The only way to prevent Callawastics are to beat the bushes and lower-hanging limbs with sticks and yelling when going out at night. Dad warned them that the issue was being kept under wraps to preserve tourism.
This was of course a load of crap, but later on the trail, he overheard a different group of hikers confronting a park ranger about the Callawastic problem. When the ranger denied this, the hikers replied "yeah, the scientists SAID you'd cover it up!"

I assume the animals are coincidental, but in my mind, I will credit my father for their inclusion on this list.

Time Platypus

When I saw the title somehow I thought this was a survival guide FOR monsters.

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