Friday, May 11, 2012


New Friends, Surprise Babies, and the "Rare Phenomenon"

1. I’ve been good friends with this dude for five years. I don’t want to be overly maternal or meddling, except: about five weeks ago, he was feeling mopey and went to a strip club after he got off work. He "struck up" a conversation with a young lady who was working there, and they discovered that they have a "lot in common!" Here is the sum of information he’s given me about her:

1) she became a stripper to avoid the government lien against her wages;
2) she has a government lien against her wages because she
3) dropped out of school and owes several thousand in student loans;
4) she dropped out of school because she went to jail;
5) she went to jail because she was a drug addict and
6) stole from several family members, neighbors and friends to support this habit;
7) when she got out of jail, she had a baby;
8) she doesn't have any contact with the father, so no support or help from him;
9) she has no plan to get a job;
10) she wants to apply for disability because she's "got a lot of problems!"

I swear I have no problem with her having gone to jail or being a former drug addict except:

1) they've only known each other for five weeks and
2) he's already given her a lot of money and
3) helped her finance a new car and
4) agreed to move in with her and support her so she could be a "stay at home mom" and
5) they just announced their engagement on Facebook;
6) Every time he ever talks about her, he prefaces it with "I feel like we're moving really fast" and
7) "All of her friends love me, and all of my friends are concerned about our relationship! Weird, right?"

I feel like a terrible person for being so distrustful. My boyfriend of three years, who has known this friend for 33 years, says to "let him handle this in his own horrendous way" since the friend hasn’t asked for help. Tell me what to do! Because to me, it sounds like "kidnap him for deprogramming" time.

1) We cannot always save our friends from the terrible mistakes they make.
2) Or, more precisely, we should avoid our own desire to save our friends from
3) every terrible mistake they will make. People pretty much do whatever the hell they want anyway.
4) Your concern about your friend’s new relationship will certainly register,
5) but he will still have to figure it all out on his own. 


10) You could rent a van, a few contractor bags and some duct tape.
9) You could take him to a secluded place and tie him to a chair in a very cold room.
8) Play loud music and dump cold water on his head and
7) take his favorite stuffed animal and shred it to pieces in front of him while he sobs.
6) Keep at this every few hours until he behaves in the manner you’d like.

Beyond kidnapping and reprogramming your friend, who sounds like an adult, maybe you should just wait for the universe to right itself on its own. Some things just have to be played out and no one can be saved from them. This may be part of some important life journey for your friend the dude. Strippers are people, too. And the problems of hers you list are not all crimes. We don’t live in a Hawthorne novel. I’ve lived with a stripper and some of them are positively delightful. And everyone’s got money problems. And former drug addicts and ex-convicts also deserve love. The best thing you can do at this point is wait it out. So far it’s just money, and it sounds like he’s happy. If you’re truly his friend, you want him to be happy. Take lots of pictures of this lady when you get the chance, and obtain samples of her DNA and fingerprints. If the guy wakes up in a bathtub with a scar where his kidney once was, you may be glad to have them. Certainly let him know of your concerns. But then you have to let him grow up and wither away on his own, like some kind of terrible chia pet.

2. So, I’m seeing a dude. We’re both seeing other people (and are both cool with that). It’s been a couple months. He lives with his ex as to more conveniently co-parent their daughter. I believe him that it’s over between them.

Hairpin turn — his ex just delivered their second child. I found out about it when the child was, oh, six hours old. He has since tucked tail, said he “didn’t know how to tell” me about it, and made efforts to make it up to me.

I want the partner-and-kids thing someday. I am not fully clear on whether he’s available for this, eventually. I’m here until next May (grad school), but I could stay. If I did, it would be for him. If not, I’d probably flee to one of the coasts (or wherever I found a job).  

These letters always do the thing where “the better he is at the start, the more dumped he is at the end.” He’s not perfect — he prefers odd haircuts, he’s not super emotionally expressive, and oh, more baggage than Beyoncé visiting South America. But he’s what I want. We’re wired the same, and thus he feels deeply familiar to me. I won’t say, yet, that I love him, but that’s around the corner. If I need to leave him, though, I need to do it sooner rather than later, right?

I always pre-emptively dump, as a rule. But I’m not exactly sure what exactly you’re in that requires dumping. You have a non-exclusive relationship with a guy who also happens to be having babies without telling you. If you want him so badly, why are you sharing him? I’m pretty sure you could find a dude with a better haircut and who is emotionally expressive with slightly less baggage somewhere else. I don’t know what the percentage of people being “wired the same” is, but probably moderately high. And this dude seems pretty busy having babies and dating other people. Sounds like you will have to dump him to win his love anyway. If you dump him and he then decides to be with you instead of living with his ex and dating other people, you may be onto something. If not, maybe you can make a go of it with someone else you’re seeing.

3. Dude here, but I feel like Ask a Dude is the only judgement-free way to get an honest opinion on this. Here's the rub: sometimes, when I'm totally alone, I like to blast music and dance all around my house, sometimes in front of the mirror sometimes just around my room/living room/bathroom/kitchen. This has been a regular occurance for my entire adolescent/college/adult life, often when I'm excited about something or getting ready to go out. It just occured to me that maybe this isn't a universal male trait. Is this weird/effeminate/unusual? Does A Dude do this?

P.S. I'm straight. Not sure if this is relevant info but I'll throw it out there anyway.

Dude! I have a fake plastic guitar and sometimes pretend I am The Pixies and we’re the musical guest on SNL. In our own homes we are all rock gods and dancing fools. This sounds like a totally okay thing you don’t have to worry about. Kind of adorable in the abstract.

4. So I've been dating this guy for about six months now and it's all great — he's super intelligent, really fun, we get along really well and the sex is AMAZING. Like best-I've-ever-had, throw-me-down, do-me-ten-times amazing. With one eensy problem. Kissing is a rare phenomenon. We kiss each other goodbye when I leave in the morning, and while sometimes repeated, these are just pecks — no open mouth at all. We were making out pretty hardcore in the beginning but that has all faded away.

A couple weeks ago, I broached the issue. He asked, "What do you want to do?" I said, "I want to make out. We never do that." His response? "Make out? No. Guys don't want to do that." I was like, WTF? My mind was blown. I had never heard such a crazy statement. In my bountiful experience, no guy has ever NOT wanted to make out. Kissing is not just for girls, right? In any case, this guy is apparently not into it. I explained that kisses are definitely a big part of the sexual experience for me — they heighten foreplay, turn me on. He made an effort to kiss a bit when we banged the next time, but that quickly dropped off again.

A caveat: I may have a halitosis problem (who doesn't?), but I always brush my teeth before any kind of romantic encounter, so there shouldn't be any sort of breath issues impeding our mouth-on-mouth action. My ex was one of the most amazing kissers in the world, and I certainly miss how turned on I get from a good makeout session. Because no matter how AWESOME the sex is, it would always be improved by kissing. Plus making out, in my opinion, is sometimes better than the sex act altogether. Please advise me.

Guys do love to make out. Making out is pretty great. Kissing is not just for ladies. You may have found a guy who is just not that into it. But on the plus side, you’ve got the Ten Times Over and Over Again kind of guy. You’ve spoken with him about it. But maybe you need to set up some kind of reward system. What are you willing to trade kisses for? Get one of those egg timers. And a minute of kissing gets _____ and 5 minutes of kissing gets ______ . I’ve never heard of anyone not liking kisses. But maybe he has a thing about kissing. It doesn’t sound like breath has anything to do with it. So you can

1) Get a van, duct tape, and contractor bags.
2) Bring him to a secluded place where you won’t be disturbed.
3) Tie him to a chair
4) and don’t let him leave until he likes kissing you a lot.

5. Okay, so I've been dating this guy for a little over a year and I have to say, I've never been really crazy about him. He's very nice and respectful but he just doesn't meet all of my requirements for a long term manfriend/potential husband. For instance, he doesn't have anything resembling a career, let alone a full-time job, and he lives in his parents' basement. 

I'm pretty much over it and want to end things, but here's my problem: his parents bought us tickets to go on vacation with them. Not like, a little trip, either, but to a foreign country across the ocean. A week-long trip. They bought my plane ticket and everything, and the trip is planned for about two months from now. I've asked my friends and they all have different opinions. I don't know whether I should break up with him now and pay his parents for the ticket and see if I could use the credit later, or if I should take the trip and break up with him after that. If I did the latter, I think everyone would feel like I used them, even though I didn't ask for them to buy me the ticket! We talked about it one time and then I had found out they booked the trip. Help!

Dump him. Get out! They can bring some cousin or neighbor of theirs. Do this sooner rather than later. You’re unhappy, and going on a giant trip and having the dude propose to you in front of some golden fountain or whatever will be a miserable experience. Also faking it the whole time must be exhausting. Just dump this poor dude and let the healing begin.

Previously: Smanging, Semi-Secret Affairs, and the 88 Percent.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude? (300 word max, please.)

Photo by Rapha – Serrana/Flickr

328 Comments / Post A Comment


Dude, date* me.

Okay, on to reading the actual questions. Hope his advice dampens my lust in inverse proportion to the amount this dude's picture dampened my panties**.

[* The definition of "date" is "have sex with", right?]
[**Ew, I said panties, and I hate that word. I think I just ruined my own day.]






nevernude cutoffs

@wee_ramekin Same.
edited to add "homina homina"


@wee_ramekin I can't even properly express how much I agree with you in hating that word.


@atipofthehat Can we get this on a t-shirt?





@atipofthehat i will buy that tshirt

Reginal T. Squirge

I think that's Kevin Corrigan.

New Commenter Name

yeah, I don't like that word either, but DAMN I get what you're saying.



Please allow me to suggest the term "wee underkins."

New Commenter Name

What if Picture Dude is also Dancing Dude (LW3)? Oh God, I need air.


@wee_ramekin Aauughh, that word!!


@atipofthehat Suggestion submitted, reviewed and APPROVED (final vote: Yea: Every single 'Pinner; Nay: Leggy Blonde).

Now stop getting your wee underkins in a twist and GET TO WORK on those T-shirts! You wouldn't want to hold out on us and be accused of a being a liar, liar with wee underkins on fire, would you?


@wee_ramekin I'm one hundred percent serious that I want that tshirt. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.


@atipofthehat "Crotch wrappers." (I am also a proponent of the phrase "moistens my underthings.")


@stuffisthings Now I'm trying to think of a lady equivalent for "banana hammock." ("Taco shell"?)

(EDIT: Sorry, I'm terrible.)



The best underpants-with-a-slogan-on-them I ever saw were men's briefs that said right on the front, in the Burger King typeface and colors, "Home of the Whopper."

(I guess that slogan would always be true for some definition of "Whopper," for the guy who chose to wear them.)



Don't torment wee_ramekin just when she's getting over TSG!


@atipofthehat I ALWAYS ORDER FISH TACOS WHEN I GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TO THEREEEEEEE, BUT SHE STILL DOESN'T LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I guess being Really Obviously Gay is not enough to win the TSG's love :'(.


@wee_ramekin I was actually just wondering what was going on with this and you and Taco Lady! Is that strange and stalkery?


@atipofthehat What's your sample size?


@Hellcat Grrrl, if that's "creepy and stalkery", then I don't want to be normal and a person who doesn't violate others' boundaries!


(Uh...that...didn't come out the right way.)

Nothing ever happened with the TSG and me. I mean, she summarily rejected me via non-response to the little note with my number on it that I left her asking her out for coffee sometime. I avoided the taco joint for about...2? 3? months because of A) shame and B) the desire to not make her feel uncomfts. But one day I was really hungry and forgot about The Shame, and ended up at the taco joint when she was working. She didn't seem afraid of me or anything, and even remembered my special order, even though I hadn't been there in over two months. Which - idiot that I am - caused my poor starved heart to beat a little harder. TSG, WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOUUUUU?!

Crushes, man. Why they even gotta do a thing?


@wee_ramekin Awww, man; I'm sorry. And I can't believe it's been that long since the note; it feels like yesterday I was checking in on the story...


@stuffisthings Literally LOL-ing. Literal.


@stuffisthings I kind of like to say "puts the cream in my coffee", but for a variety of other things too, like music I like or whatever.

runner in the garden

@wee_ramekin sorry if this is a dumb question: these are all stock photos, right? And everybody just pretends that they are photos of the actual Dude/Lady/Couple, because it's more fun that way?


@DIEAUFLAUFFORMCHEN! What? I missed Taco Girl not getting her souffle puffed in/by a tiny crockery. I am desolate. And also bewildered. How could she not? Maybe she is locked in a role of Lady's Companion to a crotchety matriarch who refuses to allow her joy when she is not knitting mobcaps/ selling tacos? Yes, yes, that must be it.


@wee_ramekin Wait..the picture is actually THE dude? I thought it was a stock photo. Okay, damp panties as well


@musicello11 @runner in the garden I don't think that the pictured dude is actually The Dude. I think they just find stock photos of persons wearing sunglasses and use them. BUT, there is the distinct possibility that the pictured dude exists somewhere in this world, and wherever he is, wee underkins are dampened, I am sure.

@PistolPackinMama Awwww, darlin'. I appreciate your support! I believe she has a girlfriend. I think she's also exercising her constitutional right to not be attracted to me which, ya know, I guess is fine (*!SOB!*).


@wee_ramekin Yeah, is that dude actually the dude? He is HOT. (yeah, this isn't the most thought-out contribution, but I'm late as hell to this anyway. Call me, dude)

And Sour Cream

@all NO NO NO, no more comments about that picture and undergarment-related reactions to it, because that is definitely a picture of my brother. I mean, it can't possibly be, cause how would that happen? But seriously though, it is. Agh, the more I look at it, the more I'm convinced. except my brother doesn't normally slick his hair back like that. But that is HIS FACE. and he wears aviators like that. AHHHHH!!! This is bothering me so much that I actually stopped lurking to make this comment. How did you get a picture of my brother???

And Sour Cream

@And Sour Cream Okay, I went to the Rapha - Serrana Flickr page, and I do not see this photo. What is going on??

nevernude cutoffs

@And Sour Cream is your brother single? asking for.... this thread.

New Commenter Name

@nevernude cutoffs
ummm... do you have any more pictures? I think we need to compare, you know, to help you. To help you decide if it's really him up there. You know.


@wee_ramekin Does he remind anyone else of Desmond from LOST? (by which I mean, yes he's extremely hot.)

And Sour Cream

@Curiouser and curiouser So I emailed my brother the picture, and he says it's not him. Clearly that means my brother has a doppelganger who slicks his hair back and wears pin-striped button downs with a hint of douche.
@nevernude cutoffs Sorry, but he's married to an Awesome Lady


it sound superb@m


LW3 Are you Nick from 'New Girl'? Because you sound like you are Nick from 'New Girl'.

Also, you sound kind of awesome. JUST DANCE, BOY.



Does this rule cover lip-syncing "I Feel Pretty" if you are dancing and fake-singing to West Side Story and it happens to come on?

No specific reason. Just wondered.


@@serenityfound Given my tendencies to do this very dance routine myself, I often wonder what will happen when I meet An Awesome Dude and we shack up. And now I feel much better knowing that we'll just be dancin' around together.
LW, any chance you live in Denver? Want to come over later and dance in my living room?


@atipofthehat Uhm, yes. Double points for singing in a ridiculous falsetto and accent and/or accessorizing with scarves while you sing/dance.

@sox One of my requirements for if I ever shack up with An Awesome Dude or An Awesome Lady is that they have no shame about singin' and dancin' like crazy at home (and sometimes inappropriate public situations).


@atipofthehat Have you heard Little Richard do 'I Feel Pretty'? I'm thinking it is just what you need.


@sox My dude and I dance like crazy people around the kitchen and living room all the time. We got Spotify for this very purpose!


@@serenityfound I was wondering if he was my Dude. Because he totally does that. And has this adorable/hilarious zombie robot dance.


@@serenityfound Not exactly dancing, but every time "Viva La Vida" comes on the car radio, my boyfriend and I begin harmonizing. We never talk about it before or after; it just happens (<--twss).


@sox Hey, I am in Boulder! Has there been a greater Denver Pinup yet? Regardless of the answer to that question, can there be one? With dancing? And air guitar?


@@serenityfound I am waiting for the beautiful day when my musician BF joins me in bursting into "cover" songs in which I replace the existing lyrics with a narration about our cat and her dinner. I prefer to borrow from hair bands but maybe he can add a new dimension to this game... instead of just staring with a slight "oh dear" face, and then continuing what he was saying before the music took over.


Seriously, singing and dancing is required! This is why music is made!


@jeevessaid I'm in Boulder too! Well, I'm in France, but my heart is still in Boulder, and the rest of me will be back shortly. I understand there have been Pinups, but since I haven't been there, I am holding fast to the hope that there will be more in August. With dancing!


More baggage than Beyoncé visiting South America... BAHAHAHAHA!!

OK, going back to read.


LW2, if the dude with the weird haircut and his own particular moral code also carries a compressed air tank attached to a captive-bolt pistol, do not let him flip a coin.

Porn Peddler

@atipofthehat I can't like this enough.

Reginal T. Squirge

I was thinking more Lloyd Christmas but this works, too!


Dude #3, you need a girlfriend? Cause that is indeed adorable and awesome.


@QuiteAmiable I wish there was a website where people could just disclose one embarrassingly dorky thing they did, and then someone else could read it, say, "I THINK THAT IS ADORABLE" contact them, and then date the hell out of them.


@Statham I think that was supposed to be okcupid?



@QuiteAmiable Dear Dude #3. I listen to the radio in the mornings and dance around to songs I like. My new bloke likes to listen to metal in the mornings loud. He never thought he would find a girl who liked that, and I thought I might get laughed at for dancing.

Somewhere, out there, is a girl dancing around to the radio up loud, and you will find each other!


Ohhhhhhhh the break-up with a trip scheduled. Yes, yes. This is the worst. But do it. DO IT. Break up with him. The trip would be the most exhausting experience of your life, like A Dude mentioned. And from the poor S.O.B.'s perspective, there are certainly worse ways to get over an ex than a two-week trip abroad. So there, you can even feel a little less guilty about the break up.



@Emby yeah break up beforehand. it sucks and i know someone who was on the other side, had already scheduled the trip and was broken up with and she was pissed that he didn't do it even earlier, ie. before the tickets were booked but I think the longer you leave it the worse it gets.

actually she was able to get a refund via sob story to the airline, so maybe he can try that.


Yeah, I did this once. We lost ALL chemistry. Slept in separate beds. I felt really insanely guilty before, during, and afterward (I went because it was for his birthday and I didn't want to dump him right before his birthday? Big, milestone birthday? ughhhhhh). Lots of uncomfortable silence. We both knew it was over and yet we just couldn't talk about the slow-moving car crash happening right in front of us.

Basically, we got back, essentially said "So... um." to one another and never spoke again.


@Emby When I got dumped just before the giant 10th-anniversary trip of a lifetime to the Galapagos Islands, his mum went with me instead. We had as fantastic a time as I could have had with anyone in the circumstances, and it was still the trip of a lifetime.


@Emby I completely agree. You should most definitely not go on a trip. Even at their most fun/amazing, trips with other people can be awkward and stressful. And secretly know that you're going to dump him when you get back will not help. Do him and yourself a huge favor--if you know it's over, dump him.


@Emby A million times yes, yes, yes, you have to break up with him now. For every single reason. I know it sucks, but this is by far the better option.

I know the stakes are way lower here, but: in college, I was in a vaguely similar situation--I think I was trying to decide whether it would be worse to break up with him before or after Valentine's Day/a birthday/whatever big event was coming up. And I was literally STUDYING A CALENDAR to try to figure out the best day to do it. My roommate came in, I explained what I was doing, and she calmly said, "If you're looking at a calendar trying to figure out when to break up with him, the answer is 'today.'" And she was so right, and I took a deep breath and did it that night. And it was the right thing to do.


@liznieve : /

Disco Sheets

@OneTooManySpoons Your friend is THE SMARTEST.


@liznieve I had this exact same situation. Went to Hawaii for two weeks with no sex and hung out with his mom the entire time. Fortunately upon our return I found out I was accepted to grad school 3000 miles away so I was spared the "thanks for the vacation, I'm not in love with you anymore" speech, and he didn't ask to follow along.


@OneTooManySpoons That is the truest thing. When the question is "when should I break up with him?" the answer is always "now." (or the next time you see him or whatever.) Learned that one just recently.


@Emby I had a similar sort of thing too. My graduation was looming (boyfriend had graduated and was long-distance at grad school) and he and his parents were planning to come to my graduation. I felt really bad, because I had to break up with him over the phone since we were apart, but definitely a better choice than waiting until he, his parents, my parents, and me were all having dinner after my graduation or something.




@Emby happened to me. i broke up with him and was able to use the ticket to go to san francisco instead. win win (he was a jerk)!


@Emby YES. Break up before. When I was in high school, my boyfriend and his family decided to come on a cruise with my family. It was planned months in advance, and I started getting antsy before, to the point where my mom said, "I don't know what you're thinking about, but please don't do anything til after."
It ended up being okay, just not as much fun as it should have been. I mean, it was fantastic to be on a cruise, but I was trapped on a boat with a dude I was WAY over.


@Emby Delurking to join this breakup/vacation thread. My first boyfriend of like a year and a half broke up with me a week before we were supposed to go on a beach vacation together, after ignoring me for two weeks...on my birthday. But on the bright side, I got to go on a great vacation with my family instead.
LW, DO THE DUMPING BEFOREHAND! It will be better for the dumpee in the long run.


Hah, I'm probably the only person who has been on that trip with somebody they wanted to break up with, I was 16 and stupid and hadn't been out with anybody before and freaked out and broke up with him as soon as we got to the hotel room. Then wandered round Cologne on my own. It was awful. Lesson learnt.


@jaimie Yes! People always have this idea that it's best to deliver the news in person, which, while usually true, is very much not true for a long distance relationship. Do not let the other person get super excited about seeing you, and then break up with them! Do it on the phone, and that way nobody is spending time and money and energy traveling for a sad thing.

Also, definitely break up with your girlfriend BEFORE she is going on a fun spring break vacation with just her girlfriends, not the day she gets back. Just sayin', that may have happened to someone one time.


Dude who dances alone, wherever you are, you can marry me anytime and then we can dance alone together?!


@redheaded&crazie I am imagining dude getting his groove on (with hairbrush micriphone!) And maaaaaybe in my head he looks like Tom Hiddleston. All of this is improving my afternoon immeasurably. Such adorbs, I can't even.


@redheaded&crazie I sooooo wish my boyfriend sometimes got the urge to turn up the music and dance like a fool sometimes. He is wonderful in most ways, but he categorically refuses to dance. even alone. or with me :(


1. Don't touch it.
2. Don't touch it.
3. To quote "U Can't Touch This," break it down.
4. Tell him to make out with you or he won't get to touch it anymore.
5. Do it now and not after vacation, or he and his parents will be fighting the urge to reach out and touch you (and by "touch" I mean "slap").


LW5: I dated a guy and went on an across-the-ocean trip when he was already cheating on me with someone else. And broke up with me two weeks after we got back. And wouldn't have sex with me while we were on the trip but refused to explain why. IT FUCKING SUCKED. I felt lonely the whole time we were on the trip and couldn't get him to talk straight with me even though I knew something was wrong. I think the fact that he didn't sack up and tell me the truth way before the trip is indicative of a massive lack of character on his part. Don't be someone with a massive lack of character.


@hands_down "Don't be someone with a massive lack of character." needs to be a on t-shirt. That I'm wearing.


@sox It needs to be on seven t-shirts so I can wear one every day.


@hands_down This also happened to me (minus the cheating), and it was to stinking Disney World. I spent three days at the Happiest Place on Earth with an anxiety stomachache.


LW3: The only thing that would be ridiculous is if you did not do this. I don't know if I could trust a person who does not sometimes pull a Calvin & Hobbes. I would also recommend colander as a space-man helmet and putting your cushions on the (you have to have just mopped/vacuumed!) floor and walking around like you are just arrived on an alien planet.

Can this be an open thread for recommendations on what sort of make-believe grown-ups like to do when they live alone / their roommate is not around?


@leon.saintjean All of Jane's makeup tutorials and a cross between ballet/modern dancer to Fever Ray. I swear I've only crashed into shit and broken things once or twice.


@leon.saintjean You rang?


@leon.saintjean I have definitely done some kind of twisted kung fu/wannabe rocker moves in my socks to most of Queen's discography. Particularly "Flash". But who hasn't, amirite?



One huge bonus to having a toddler in the house is that you can always do these things together, in front of anyone!

Cat named Virtute

@leon.saintjean I dunno, I wander around sans pants and sing off-key folk songs while doing the dishes even when my roommate is home. She's not the kind of person who inspires much in the way of shame I guess.

I just like peeing with the bathroom door open sometimes. It's the little things, y'know?

Reginal T. Squirge

Sometimes you just gotta air guitar the fuck outta some Led Zep.


@area@twitter FLASH! AH-AHHHHH!


@@serenityfound KING OF THE IM-POSSIBLE!

Lily Rowan

@leon.saintjean I mostly just sing a lot. I was so psyched the day I walked in my front door right as "Papa Don't Preach" was coming on my iPod. Sang the whole thing, full-voiced! Since I don't live in a romantic comedy or sit-com, no one was actually overhearing and falling in love with me, FYI.


@@serenityfound It's fun to come up with other lyrics to that line.

While taking out the garbage, "TRASH-AH-AHHHHH!"
While visiting the ATM, "CASH-AH-AHHHHH!"
While making potatoes, "MASH-AH-AHHHHH!"


@Lily Rowan This is basically how I come home from work every day.



@larea@twitter "Gordon's alive!"


@leon.saintjean I sometimes put music on when I'm cooking dinner, and I use whatever utensil I've got to hand as the mic, and then I dance around the kitchen, singing along to the music, striking poses and stirring pots.

I am not concerned about doing this in front of other people, because the people who wouldn't be OK with that just aren't the sort of people I'd be friends with anyway. Mostly the people I am friends with would either laugh and/or join in.

Life's too short not to have random, silly moments of joy like that. :)


@sox The OTT hair and make-up that never makes it out of my house! Which is also great for practicing ones Oscar acceptance speech. It's good to be prepared.


@leon.saintjean The only way I move from one room to another in my apartment is by running and sliding around in my socks.

Also I wear pants at home 0% of the time.

fondue with cheddar

@leon.saintjean Unfortunately, not everybody does. I'm so self-conscious that I don't even do it when I'm alone. :(

I had an emotionally abusive dance teacher (who was also my neighbor and friend's mother) who made me very self-conscious about dancing (among other things). I took classes with her from age 5–13, and she had a profound effect on me in ways that I'm just starting to understand.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Amount of time I don't want to wear pants at home: 80%. Amount of time I have to wear pants at home: 100%. Stupid dude roommates...


@leon.saintjean I have a really good "blaring Le Tigre while cleaning" routine that I enjoy when I'm home alone.

WHO TOOK THE MOP dun dun dun dun duh-dun dun dun dun


@leon.saintjean I specifically have a "No Pants Dance" playlist for use when no one is around and I can rump shake in my chonies with reckless abandon.

17th Floor


I spit out my diet coke because lolz were emerging. I can't wait to try this as soon as I leave work.

Judith Slutler

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher After living in a series of apartments with ancient, splintery hardwood floors that had nails sticking out, I finally have a place with beautiful new smooth floors - you best believe I slide around the place often.

I do wear pants at home, but if it's hot outside, I like to tear off my shirt the moment I walk in the door and strut around in my camisole.

Also, I do most of my singing to Bill Withers. And work on my "Tightrope" dance routines.


@@serenityfound - More things I do home alone:

-When needing to be cleanshaven, shave all of my beard except the mustache. Watch "Boogie Nights" w/ subtitles on, recite all Burt Reynolds lines / act out his part in living room. THIS IS NOT A HOLE IN THE WALL, PAL!

-One time semi-recently when the roommate was out of town, I covered my entire kitchen in plastic bags, bought three bottles of Andre Brut, and put "Back Dat Azz Up" on loop, dancing and spraying champagne ALL OVER THE PLACE. This is a lot of setup/cleanup, but OMG it is so fun. On the rare occassion I get drunk home alone, it gets elaborate.


@Emmanuelle Cunt Hahaha yes, I also practice the Tightrope! I almost have it down.


@leon.saintjean I have a blanket/couch fort set up in my living room right now! The only difference between this and when I was a kid is that it now has a real nice tv in it. ADULTHOOD!!


@17th Floor Please return to post the one's you come up with.

@OhMarie BF has been dropping blanket fort hints lately. I should facilitate. If I do it tonight, there will be a movie on a pricey laptop and a caramelized onion/gorgonzola/arugula/pinon pizza in it. #grownup


@Cat named Virtute I use the bathroom with the door open all the time because I live alone and my cat will pull up the carpet if I don't let her chill with me. It's really awesome except when I have guests and forget about it.

fondue with cheddar

@laurel Ooh, do it! I made a blanket fort several years ago with my ex and our friend (or maybe she was his girlfriend already at the time, IDK) and it was so awesome. It was big enough for all three of us; it filled the entire living room! We brought the cats in with us and ate ice cream and made a little hole in it so we could watch TV from inside. So much fun.


@@serenityfound You really think they'd mind?


@leon.saintjean I have the big-hair challenge whenever my gentleman associate leaves town. How big can I make my hair? Can I beat last month's challenge? Will I ever be able to make all 14 inches of it stand on end?! It's the only time I use hairspray with any regularity.


@atipofthehat haha yes, children can be used to validate all sorts of ridiculousness. espeially silly dancing. Mine are a little too young to dance yet but like being joggled around to "Wiggle It" and anytrhing by Beyonce


@leon.saintjean recently the bf and I did an elaborate impromptu rendition of "everybody dance now" with him doing the beatboxing and me singing the lyrics, only without any sort of enunciation. We also had a dance that went with it and managed to keep our facial expressions very serious for several minutes.

Also: blanket forts are really underrated.

fondue with cheddar

@aphrabean Sometimes I used to put my hair in tiny braids while wet, and when it was dry I would unbraid and frizz it out and pretend to be Roseanne Roseannadanna.


@jen325 Well, this is going to happen soon, for sure.


@leon.saintjean This all sounds like so much fun. I somehow manage to be self-concious even when I'm at home alone, so I've never really done any of this, except for singing quietly to myself (don't want the neighbors to hear) and messing with my hair/makeup after watching Jane's videos.

fondue with cheddar

@aphrabean Yay! Another fun thing is to take a small section of hair, twist it as tightly as you can, wrap it around a curling iron, and repeat until your whole head is done. It's fun because you look like medusa while you're doing it, and then when you're done you shake it all out and it gets really poofy!



Vera Knoop

@leon.saintjean My best New Year's Eve in recent memory was spent at home with my wife, dancing as ridiculously as possible (which is very) to nerdcore in our tiny living room. That's how I know it's for real.


@Vera Knoop [best Whitney Huston voice] "How do I knoooow?" "Just trust the dancing"

fondue with cheddar

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher SERIOUSLY. IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.


I don't walk through my house, I two step through my house, singing my lungs out. If it's a really good day, the dog gets in on the dancing AND singing action.
Also, the dog and I love to wrestle, and as soon as I decide we are done and stand up, he runs forward and nips me in the butt. It's SO weird.

E Wren

@Emmanuelle Cunt It doesn't matter where or who I'm with: when Tightrope comes on I always close my eyes and shake my head while singing "Whoaaaaaa!" with her at the beginning. I have carpet so practicing happens in the kitchen. Edited to say that I'm also wanting to learn it on the ukulele.


@aphrabean I like doing my makeup extremely oddly and taking copious photos.


@antilamentation I mostly pretend I'm Laura Ingalls Wilder when I'm cooking and wearing an apron. Then I feel very fortunate to be eating something that is not a bowl of wheat kernels.

Vera Knoop

@E Wren That song is my workout jam, today and forever!

Queen of Pickles


When I am alone in the house, cleaning or cooking or doing responsible things or whatever, I have full-on two-sided conversations with myself, very LOUD ones! About FEELINGS! Sometimes I use funny accents. Or sing. Or rap-battle.


@leon.saintjean Late to this party (per usual...ah, work), but on New Years Eve this year, my husband and I were alone and painfully bored so we pretended we were from the 1950s and hanging out at a soda bar. We even put on outfits and everything. We pretended like we didn't know each other and he was trying to get me to dance with him at the (pretend) jukebox and smoke (pretend) cigarettes. Our dialogue was replete with "gollys" and "gees" and "swells"...and a few "hey, Toots." Yeah he would totally kill me and hide my body in the woods if he knew I was declaring this on the Hairpin.


@antilamentation Everything is definitely a microphone, including, sometimes, just my hand holding an imaginary ice cream cone.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Come live with me! We can slide all over and never wear pants. And I can sing "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" from start to finish without the music while cooking three different dinners for the entire week.

I wear pants as little as possible. Of course, I also wear shirts as little as possible. My second-favorite outfit is a pair of loose boxers and a Champion shaper sports bra. (My absolute favorite is a bathrobe and nothing else.)


@leon.saintjean That sounds like SO MUCH FUN!!! I have to try that straight away!


@@serenityfound OMG. Have to wear pants 100% because of stupid dude roommates toooooo. Moving in with my fiance THIS WEEKEND and I'm not gonna wear pants for, like, the first year, just to make up for lost time.

El Knid

Don't dump the non-kisser because he doesn't like kissing. Dump him because he says things like "No. Guys don't want to do that." Not only is he totally wrong, but that kinds of thinking is a total cop-out, displays a truly lame inability/unwillingness for self-awareness, and overall just kind of a fucked up way to look at things.


@El Knid This. THIS.


@El Knid It's true. That is the kind of statement that totally invalidates all of his redeeming qualities.


@El Knid Agreed. Hey non-kisser: Speak for yourself, Dingus.



What about the secret 3-billion-males meeting where we voted unanimously on all of our likes and dislikes?


@atipofthehat Duuude you don't remember? That just turned into an epic bro-sesh where we ripped the sleeves off our t-shirts and chugged beers and crushed the empties on our foreheads and arm-wrestled while constantly grunting.


@atipofthehat You should come to the next one! I'm bringing key lime tarts for the potluck.


@El Knid For sure, he can PERSONALLY not like kissing but trying to blame all mankind for it is weird and a way to try and make her feel like she has unfair expectations. I went out with a guy who was an amazing kisser but then revealed a few encounters in that he doesn't like to kiss and all kissing stopped for basically the next 6 months until I broke up with him (for lots of other reasons but the non-kissing didn't help!) Sometimes I find me and my husband now falling out of the makeout habit because I too like more of a throw-me-down-go-to-town kind of lovin' BUT we always end up havin' a good neckin' sesh eventualy.

Basically entirely unrealted but we got married recently and we were very careful to NOT have a crazy long tonguey kiss...do people not realize how uncomfortable that makes people!? I watched ALOT of wedding shows in the lead up and no, no people do not realize.


@El Knid
Dude, yes. This is why I am making annoyed faces at Dancing LW: not only is he asking approval on a common, harmless quirk, he's worried about it because it may be feminine, which apparently is a (negative) thing you can deduce. Shut upppp.

Ham Snadwich

Ryan Pequin has opinions on this subject.


@Inkcrafter YES! Dude. Get over yourself. And be grateful that although you just negged every femme lady or gent out there, apparently a whole buncha ladies want to knock boots and dampen knickers with you because of of your embarrassing (not) habit.

i make lists

@The Angels Have the Phonebox Also: farting is farting, everybody farts.


@The Angels Have the Phonebox As does Ryan North.

Porn Peddler

LW4: KISSING. KISSING. AAAAAGH. MAKEOUTS ARE THE BEST. I love the sex but the right kiss is ohhhhh dear god, the reaction that can inspire... Grope-y makeouts, ideally with shirts off, lots of rolling around, ugh and please include beards and long hair. shit. I have to say, the only person I know who does not like to kiss and make out is kind of a raging juicebox.


Cat named Virtute

@Third Wave Housewife YES MAKING OUT FOREVER!

Also, I just don't understand getting to the sex part without the makeouts! You just look at each other and go, "sex, now"? Perhaps I am just stuck in the kiss-foreplay-sex model (what can I say, it works for me), but the build up from the moment when you look at the person and dive for one another's faces to the moment that they're between your legs is the besssssst.

(oh god when am I going to have sex again oh god it is spring and I feel like a feral animal).


@Third Wave Housewife RIGHT?!!??! Kissing is the #1 thing I won't give up ever why would I want to stop making out!?!? IT IS THE BEST.

Reginal T. Squirge

I dated a girl (for a while) who didn't like to make out. She was otherwise awesome. I mean, she liked kissing just not for extended periods of time. Still, that was pretty crazy. How could you not love just kissing like a teenager sometimes? It keeps you young!


@Cat named Virtute My ex hateddddd to kiss and I am trying to remember how sex went. I think that was kind of it. He was always very blunt, like "wanna have sex?" And I'd say "sure" and then I think we would like maybe briefly kiss a little? Once in a while? Then I probably gave him head instead of kissing and then came the sex.

He was terrible.


@Third Wave Housewife YES TO MAKEOUTS. My boy forgets sometimes so I...ah...remind him. This works best if you don't have a lot of clothing on.


@terrific I am sorry for laughing at your comment. But he just sounds so terrible!


@Third Wave Housewife Juicebox to the max. The only proper response to, ""Make out? No. Guys don't want to do that" is, "Have fun having sex with other guys, then. See ya!"

Porn Peddler

@Cat named Virtute YES. Urrrrrrrrgh and the better it is before the straight-up fuckin'...the better the fuckin'.

@Reginal T. Squirge That would make me a little sad. And I think the "kissing like a teenager" is the best part- there's nothing more frustrating and thrilling than TEENAGE MAKEOUTS. It's so strong and lustful and RAGING HORMONES and turn-your-head-around maddening. makeouts are the best omg want

Edit: JUST HEARD MISTER'S CAR PULL UP. what do you mean cleaning my apartment today fuck off


@Third Wave Housewife & @Reginal T. Squirge My bf's mom was recently in town and crashed with him and we kind of sneaked around to fit in some fool-around time and it felt very teen romance. It kiiind of ended up being a lot of fun!


@Reginal T. Squirge Aaaaahh I did this to a guy once, because he was a really bad kisser. I LOVE making out, only, only with good kissers! With him, I always felt like the entire lower half of my face was being assaulted, it was terrible.
(Maybe I was the bad kisser in that relationship? Totally possible, maybe we just weren't kissing compatible.)

Porn Peddler

@themegnapkin I firmly believe kiss compatibility is a thing. When I first met mister, wow, what a mess. Horrible horrible horrible. We had to work on that. Now we are good! But it took work to get there, you know?

Alternately, a guy I kind of sort of saw during college? We were kiss compatible from the start. Phenomenally so. EEEEEEEEEEEE!

dj pomegranate

@Third Wave Housewife OH MAN you guys I dated a dude in college who was you know, nice and smart and everything and the fourth day after we began to "officially" date, we tried to have a make-out session and I dumped him the next day. It was so, so, so terrible. So uncomfortable. So not an actual fun make-out session. It fizzled out all my attraction and hope for that relationship. Make-out compatibility: it's important!


@Third Wave Housewife

I was MAD for a woman once, a long time ago, and when I finally got to kiss her, it was AWFUL.

NO to the hollow kiss of the mouthvoid!


@terrific Yup that's how it goes down (heh) sometimes in my household- just "let's do it!" and then we begin with some BJ action to get things going. I enjoy that and it kind of serves the same get-me-going purpose as a makeout session so it works for us!

New Commenter Name

@Third Wave Housewife
Okay, so please list out the steps you took when working on the kissing?
I've kissed really awesome kissers before and
now I'm married to a really super awesome husband who is only so-so with the kissing. But the sex is top notch thankfully!! So there must be a way to bring the kissing up to hothothot levels too.


@atipofthehat Oh my god, the hollow kiss of the mouthvoid is the fucking worst! Appropriate tongue and suction please!

Atheist Watermelon

@Cat named Virtute 8 LONG MONTHS. AAAAGHH. i'm surprised i haven't involuntarily begun to hump trees.


@Maven "The Hollow Kiss of the Mouthvoid" sounds distressingly (and appropriately) H.P. Lovecraft.

Porn Peddler

@Curiouser and curiouser Extreme directness. In the beginning, he was making some EGREGIOUS mistakes, like sucking on my lower lip as if his goal were to tear it from my face. That had to be corrected IMMEDIATELY because ew. I still give direct requests if something really is not working for me, but in general it's a body-language thing. Like. am I squeaking/moaning/grabbing at him or am I trying to move my head away/hold his head back to make him slow down? I mean, we are not super-awesome-kissing all the time, but MUCH BETTER than the beginning (we know each other better now, obviously, so time spent together and making out is a factor) and more frequently smokin' hot


@Cat named Virtute Getting to the sex part without the makeouts:

6:42 am, Friday morning
me: hey. hey. HEY
bf: snrgh?
me: I have to go to work in half an hour so we should have sex
bf: mmrgf!
6:44 am
me: pass me a towel?

Reginal T. Squirge

@themegnapkin Oh, no! Does this mean that maybe I'm a bad kisser? Does this give me a valid excuse to look up all the ladies I've ever kissed and ask them for evaluations? Done!


@Third Wave Housewife Ah man I love a good make out too, but the BF doesn't have the same "nostalgic sneaking around while the parents are upstairs" feeling about them. I want those first time butterflies!


@Reginal T. Squirge No no no! I'm sure you're a great kisser. But, maybe a good excuse to have fun practicing.


I don't like making out. Kissing a few times is okay, but making out... Maybe it reminds me too much of being a teenager? Or maybe I'd like it with a phenomenal kisser.

Porn Peddler

@Xora I mean. A lot about being a teenager was absolutely horrible. For example, I'm in my twenties and way too many of my friends report frequently having sex in their cars. Move out of your parents' houses, it's disgusting. That kind of sneaking around.....ick. The intensity of the butterflies during sloppy makeouts, however...


@Cat named Virtute I recently had the best make out sesh of my life that made me feel like a high school kid!

New-dude-I've-been-making-out-with was walking me to the bus stop for the last bus of the night after some parties etc. We started making out in the street before we got to the bus corner and I THINK that was probably when the bus came, but we just kept pretending that it was really late and stood on the sidewalk making out as late night walkers and drivers straggled by for about forty minutes. I kept saying, "I'm really worried! The bus is never going to come, I have to do something!" And he finally said, "LISTEN it is the first warm night in months, it is spring time, and you are standing in the street kissing a dude, STOP BEING CONCERNED ABOUT ANYTHING!" And I agreed.

Eventually I had to walk home over a mountain about three miles, and he walked with me about twenty blocks out of his way it was grand as shit. And it turns out that walking home three miles in cowboy boots in the middle of the night on windy roads coming down from all the whiskey and that pot you thought smoking was a good idea after an in street make out can be an incredibly invigorating experience!!

Queen of Pickles

@Curiouser and curiouser
To show someone else how you'd like to be kissed:
I once read in a book (Guide to Getting It On - best book of books) that you should say, "Can I show you a way that I like to be kissed?"

Then he stays still, and you kiss HIM with the right slowness, pauses, movement, etc. Eventually he starts to imitate you, and if he is a good one, he will care enough about pleasing you that after a few times, he will automatically shift into Your Preference of Kiss.

I tried this a year ago. Totally worked.


Contractor bags are SO IMPORTANT AND I NEVER EVEN REALIZED. Solving conflicts just got real.


@okaycrochet But surprisingly quite expensive!

I mean... so I've heard.


LW3 cute dancing dude is the best.
The rest made me cringe.

What can we learn from this? Well, everyone just needs to dance around and pretend they're in bands with plastic guitars or whatever, and stop being in confusing relationships.
Problems = SOLVED


@emilylouise I'm not a creepy stalker or anything, but I don't think you've been around in a while, and I'm glad you're back.


@dtowngirl Aw! Yeah, at my new job I've been much happier (and busier, which I think goes hand-in-hand) so I've been reading posts but haven't had the time to comment much at all! Thanks for the shoutout :)

New Commenter Name

Dude 3. Everyone loves you because you are awesome. Also remember this: if / when you have children they will TOTALLY join you in dancing around like loons and it will be the best fun you've ever had.


@Curiouser and curiouser

Ah! My little girl (coming up on 20 months) is constantly asking me to dance, or dancing on her own.

Just add music!


@atipofthehat Do you have a name? Do you like to dance?



I can't wait to play this for the little one. THANK you!


@Curiouser and curiouser YES. My dad is a huge Madonna fan (?) and when my sisters and I were wee he would play her CDs and we would all dance and sing around my parents’ bedroom and it was THE MOST FUN. It was a special fun awesome thing we did with my dad. <3 you dad!


@atipofthehat I want to have a dance party with just all the songs from Yo Gabba Gabba. My sister and I played this one so much while dancing with my nephews/niece that her husband actually got mad at us and yelled at us to find a new jam. But... party party, ye-ah!


There's nothing inherently effeminate about having a good time for yourself, LW3. And if there were, whatever, it's a good time. Rock on.



There's also nothing wrong with being inherently effeminate! And at least dancing hasn't been banned yet.


@atipofthehat Indeed!

fondue with cheddar

@atipofthehat In my experience, the best people are the ones who embrace both their feminine and masculine sides.


Has LW 3 never seen Risky Business?

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@anachronistique His question actually reminded me of that part of In and Out where Kevin Kline is listening to those audiotapes about how to be a "real man" and he fails the no-dancing test.


Last person, with the vacation plan. Totally agree, dump him and miss the trip. But they'll probably have to eat your ticket. One way the airline industry fucks us all is that once the reservation's made in your name, you're the only one who can use it. Maybe trip insurance would mitigate that, or maybe if it's like a tour with a big travel agency.
But don't go. You should not go. And you should not do some awful math like, "If I go, then I will not be able to dump him for at least six weeks after we get home."


@noReally Or reimburse them for the ticket, pay for a destination or date change, and go somewhere awesome on your own? Perhaps Iceland? Or Paris? Or Marrakech? Or Rio? Traveling alone: it's AWESOME! You will have so much more fun without this juicebox and his parents.

Miss Maszkerádi

@mlle.gateau THIS. Can't recommend solo traveling highly enough. The happiest week of my life so far was a week spent mostly alone (met some friends for lunches and coffees but was mostly wandering around by myself) in Prague. Absolute soul-restoring marvelousness.


@mlle.gateau Awww, I agree with most of your statement, but this dude doesn't sound like A Juicebox™. It just sounds like they aren't meant to be together.

Honestly, if anyone has a hint of juiciness about them, I think it's the LW for staying with a person she's just not that into for *one entire year*. (Although maybe this "not into-ness" is a relatively recent development, in which case, no one is a juicebox and carbonated beverages for all!)

Reginal T. Squirge

LW1: Never tell your friends you hate their SO. It always ends in tears.


@Reginal T. Squirge It is acceptable 6 months after they break up to allow for the backslide. I once made the mistake of telling a friend I always hated her boyfriend a couple weeks after I thought they broke up (she knew, obviously, but I never actually told her or bad-mouthed him). WHOOOOOOOPS I had totally misunderstood her and they dated for like 9 months after that.


@Reginal T. Squirge I'm gonna disagree in this ONE case. Because you're not saying you hate their S.O. You're saying you're worried your friend blindly walking into a scam. (At the very least, ask if marriage legally obligates him to her debts.)

Cause if this guy does emerge to clarity a few thousands of dollars later, he's going to be like, "where were my friends? Why didn't they say anything?"

But say it ONCE.


@beerd This is true. Legally, marriage does usually involve both people taking on each other's debts as joint debts, and in this case that should at least be discussed/the friend should be aware of what he's doing before he does it.


@Reginal T. Squirge I maintain it's OK when dude is obviously abusive. And then you have to tread gently. "I motherfucking hate your gaslighting mansplainer manchild abuser boyfriend. am worried he doesn't seem to make you happy, and some of the stuff he says really upsets you a lot." Or "hell no he can't move in with us if you are going to invite him to move in, I understand. I need to find a place to live, so you need to decide if he can take my sublet."




@realtalk My guess is because his parents are generous to someone they think will get their semi-deadbeat son the fuck out of their basement.

dj pomegranate

@realtalk REAL TALK.

Passion Fruit

@realtalk There are lots of reasons. You're confused or lonely, and so are they; they say they're getting their shit together, so you try to wait it out; the sex/company/kissing/weed is good, or at least better than nothing. I think people have all types of unsatisfying relationships because it is better to them than being alone. They come around though.

Lily Rowan

#2. Lady. That's not much of an ex, if they live together and have been having sex as recently as 9 months ago. I mean, right?


@Lily Rowan yeah i don't know, i really can't be with somebody who can't own up to stuff that is hard to own up to. yes. telling me (hypothetical me, I'm not lw2) that your ex is pregnant by you would probably be a brutal conversation to have. but, you kind of have to just bite the bullet.

at least, that's how i see it.


@redheaded&crazie ...so that i can dump your ass, would be my personal response. but anyway.


@Lily Rowan RIght. Possibly not an ex at all and he's actually cheating?

Lily Rowan

@paddlepickle Or at least a non-monogamous current partner! Which is fine, but.

But whatever, the LW has only been seeing the guy a couple of months and maybe the whole thing will just fizzle out anyway.


@paddlepickle Yeah, so sketchy! "So there's this thing I haven't mentioned to you yet. Did I say 'thing?' Um, baby. I meant baby. As in I just had another one with my 'ex' that I live with. Heh!"


@BoozinSusan We were making our child's dinner and I fell on her and she somehow conceived! I don't know how these things work!

dj pomegranate

@BoozinSusan "Life is so crazy, amirite? Another beer?"


@dj pomegranate ::in creepy voice:: "Drink uuuup!"


@dj pomegranate also this is all reminding me of my boss's favourite saying: "always easier to apologize than ask permission!"


@BoozinSusan Yeah, and this is another issue in this case. Even if they are consensually non-monogamous, this means the guy isn't using protection with his ex (and possibly not with others?). It's ok to be non-monogamous, but you have to be honest about it so your partners (and potentially their other partners) can be protected!

Lily Rowan

@meetapossum But the LW says she knows they are both seeing other people, so I hope she's protected regardless of if the "ex" is one of those "other people" in her mind...


@redheaded&crazie Is he/she an asshole? In my experience people who say that are always juiceboxes.


@bitzy definitely. well, kind of. pretty much yeah.


@Lily Rowan I'm of the "living with someone and having a baby with them"= COUPLE, persuasion, myself.


@Lily Rowan I would hope so. It just seems to me if he conveniently kept this pregnancy a secret for 9 months then who knows what else he's been saying to/hiding from her. Just bad news all around!


@Lily Rowan You are totally right! It is especially sketch that he waited until the baby was born to tell her too - that subject should have been brought up sometime before the kid started drawing breath.

In tangentially related news, my ex-boyfriend's mother left his father Bob-and-Eli-Style (I told the whole story in the post) and his mother's Eli is also still living in his "ex"-wife's house for "co-parenting" purposes. Amazingly, that whole unstable situation has managed to go on for 5 years! So I guess people can make it work, but only if two people are raging narcissists and the other person has the lowest self-esteem on the planet.


LW1 Oh dear, I have been where you are. Not the exact stripper-place where you are but the general vicinity of "Oh my god dearest friend what kind of life decisions are you making?" Now, I don't believe that strippers should never ever be allowed to love or have families. Everyone deserves love and the family of their choice. Do you sir or ma'am! But the money thing? The financing a care for someone a little over a month after meeting them? That right there is setting off red flags in my head with "ALARUM!" printed on them in bold font. I have money and love issues.

But the thing is, your friend is going to do what your friend is going to do. You can express your concern, of course, but know that the more emphatic you are the more you will push your friend away. They will feel as if you are judging them and distance themselves from you. Ask me how I know. So what can you do? You can be there for them. In case in ultimate disaster and also in case of ultimate happiness. You know like a friend. I know it's hard to not judge. I am such a judgy-judgeperson. But don't. Be there. Be neutral. Do the best you can.

Faintly Macabre

@hairouna Yeah, I had a friend who made what most of us considered a disastrous life choice. It was really hard not to straight-up tell her that she was making a terrible decision, but I knew it wouldn't change her mind and only make her upset. Instead, I just listened purposefully didn't tell her everything would be great and it was a great decision. A few years later, it's still too early to tell if everything will work out in the end, but we're still friends, and she still turns to me for advice, which lets me help her a little bit instead of watching helplessly.

(This probably sounds super-controlling, but it was the kind of situation where anyone who knew her well and knew what she was getting into had serious, serious doubts.)


@Faintly Macabre I'm a proponent of the gentle, calm, rational, loving explanation of what exactly concerns you about this relationship with absolutely NO commentary on the SO's personality. Stick to the bare facts, not your opinion of this person. Always be non-confrontational. Do not attempt to get your friend to agree to take action. This is strictly an informative conversation, and what the friend does with the information is entirely up to them.

Because it is possible that in the wave of love-pheromones they are not thinking through all the rational real-world problems. I once had a friend who got married at the age of 20 to a horribly manipulative girl because, and I quote, "it's not like we have any property or anything, so it won't be a huge legal battle if it doesn't work out." Two months after they got married, she was pregnant. He is regretting that decision quite a lot. I laid down my concerns about the marriage from the beginning, and in exactly this way, and while we are not exactly besties anymore because she is pretty awful and wants to be around him all the time, we are still very much friends and he's said since he was glad I was looking out for him. As the years have gone on, he's also said that he is starting to see what I was talking about on some of those concerns.

My point is, put the reasoning in his hands, and let him do with it what he will. If he chooses to ignore it, never speak of it again. You did your part as the friend to warn him about potential danger. The fact that he chose to walk into that danger, fully conscious of all its potential, is up to him. And yes, sadly, there is nothing you can do about that except not say "I told you so" when the danger is actualized and he realizes you were right all along.

And hey, maybe you're wrong. That'd be nice, right?


This dude is good and cute and I like him but the response to LW4 is lacking, I think. It sounds like he kind of blew off her request (Guys don't like that? Huh?), which is problematic no matter what she was asking about. And he also doesn't address that there WAS lots of making out when they first got together, but now it's gone. I feel like something more insidious is going on than just "he's got a thing about kissing".

But you're still really cute, dude, like I said. Kiss me?


@paddlepickle I agree on both of those issues. (That picture! So hot!) But ummm, if was down with rubbing faces before why is this such an epic request now? Was he doing it just because he thought women liked it? Why is he making essentialist statements about what men and women want? (Flag on the play!) Something in this milk is not clean, methinks.


@hairouna I work at a dental clinic and my first thought is whether she could have periodontitis (which would lead to very bad breath) and to go get a dental checkup. Buuuut that's just me.


@BoozinSusan That could definitely be a legit thing. I had a broken tooth that made my mouth extra fragrant for a bit. (Too much info?) But she says that he liked it before. Enough so that it wasn't a problem until much later. It's one thing if he never ever wanted to kiss, but to be okay with doing something for quite some time and then suddenly stopping is odd. Especially for such a juicebox reason. Unless the halitosis that she mentioned is a recent development and he can't bear to bring it up with her?


@hairouna This might make me a juicebox for suggesting, but it's definitely possible that there are some periodontal/dental problems here that recently arose. It doesn't make sense that he'd be gung-ho for kissing in the beginning and now say he "doesn't like it." And making a throwaway comment like "guys don't like making out" sounds a little defensive/cagey to me.


@BoozinSusan a water pik was literally one of the best investments i ever made. i have all my wisdom teeth, a couple of crowns, and chubby cheeks (lots of nooks and crannies) and it is AMAZING! you would not beelive how clean your mouth feels! i bought mine for like $50 at target.


@BoozinSusan not to be gross, but... it IS allergy season. that can make halitosis issues worse.


@BoozinSusan If you're a juicebox then let's be a six-pack because I'm now wondering the same thing. There are some health issues that could suddenly affect one's breath. However I am far more comfortable speculating on whether or not he is an asshole than if she has a disease.




@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher INTERVENTION


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I JUST saw that episode!


@heb ahem!


This would have been my response to LW2, I think. Simple:

"We’re both seeing other people (and are both cool with that). It’s been a couple months.". . ."I’m here until next May (grad school), but I could stay. If I did, it would be for him." ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUNG LADY.

Probably why I don't get asked to write these very often.

dj pomegranate

@paddlepickle Now go to your room and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID.


@dj pomegranate And DON'T COME OUT until you've written "I WILL NOT BASE MY LIFE DECISIONS ON JUICEBOXES" 100 times.


@wee_ramekin I need that on a t-shirt, too. And I just bought a set of little typewriter letter stamps, so I might well make one.


i'm too distracted my this dude's picture to concentrate. dude, you're HOT. pushing all my pnw beardy buttons.


@LeafySeaDragon I'm so glad that other people have the PNW beardy buttons too. seriously, this A Dude, get at me!

m. marie

@LeafySeaDragon I know right?! It looks like Aidan Turner in aviators. Yummmmmmmmmmmm.


@realtalk There's a reason to live in the PNW, and it ain't the weather. Except I heard it's nice out today? I'll find out as soon as I escape my windowless basement dungeon. And then I'll go find a patio and a beer and do some beard-watching.


@Brunhilde it's GORGEOUS! i'm outside and gardening, and coming inside just to click 'still listening' on my pandora.


@LeafySeaDragon Oh? Well then I think something just came up and I'll be leaving work early today!


About LW3; Its fine, in fact I'm sure its fairly normal.
My dude does it. He'll dance around in his PJ's, or in his jeans with his leather bracelet and skull rings on and pretend he's Angus Young or Rob Zombie or Robert Plant. It usually involves dancing and/or singing, sticking his tounge out a lot, going 'YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH!' really loudly at various points, sometimes pulling his dick out and flashing me, making the Devil horns, air guitaring and occasionally when that's not enough breaking out the Guitar Hero.

Honest to fucking god though, I HATE IT! I should also probably mention that my dude is 45 so it makes the whole thing that much more ridiculous. I don't know, its one of those things that seems really cute and funny and endearing at first but after you've seen him dance around in his underwear for the 100th time pretending he's a rock star it gets really old.


@ReginaSavage You're just a poo-poo head.


@purefog You obviously have never lived with a guy that has done this.

I will also add that its particularly annoying when you get home after a long day of work and just want some QUIET and he's got the stereo turned up as loud as it will do and not only refuses to turn it down but also freaks out on you for even suggesting it.


@ReginaSavage You're right, and I take it back: "but also freaks out on you for even suggesting it." HE'S a poo-poo head.


LW 3 makes me want to have a spontaneous dance party.


LW#2 - I think the two of you are perfectly matched. He is a juicebox who lied about making a baby with his live-in girlfriend (who you think is an ex), and you apparently have the shortest memory and lowest expectations on the planet.

I say, hang in there. He'll change, and eventually, be devoted only to you, and not his two other kids by his current girlfriend. And hey - when he fucks around on you when you are pregnant (or shortly thereafter), please show the next girlfriend as much respect as you are showing his current girlfriend.


@karion I approve of this tough love.


LW1: normally I would say to stay out of it, but then I saw this:

6) Every time he ever talks about her, he prefaces it with "I feel like we're moving really fast"

It sounds like he might be asking for some help, or advice, or feedback or something. Next time he says that, I would just ask him a lot more questions about it. "Why do you say that?" "How do you feel about that?" etc. Open-ended questions, ones that are free from judgement (ie not "Is that what you really want?" or "I KNOW, RIGHT?!"). Give him the space to voice any concerns he has. He may not be giving himself that space right now, which allows him to stay on this non-stop path. If you let him feel nervous or confused around you, he will be better able to figure out what he really wants.


@dk This is great advice.


"You have a non-exclusive relationship with a guy who also happens to be having babies without telling you." Maybe I am missing something, but it SOUNDED to me as the guy was ALSO telling her "I'm not making rumpy-pumpy with my ex," which seems to be one of those, whaddayacallit, oh yeah, lies. A BIG lie, in terms of the now-gestated consequences. Which -- when coupled with her statements against suitability, and weighed against her statements as to why she likes him -- sounds like DTMFA territory to me.


@purefog And who could have predicted that a guy who can't be bothered to move out of the marital home would be motivated by convenience in other ways?


@purefog Well, she said it's been 'a couple months' and that things are over with the ex, so it's possible that they've been dating for like, three months, and he stopped banging the ex 6 months before that. Still mad sketchy though, yeah.

Sarah Rain

"If you want him so badly, why are you sharing him?" Was this put in just as poly-bait?


@Sarah Rain Ha, I think so. I'm not poly myself but I cringed at that.


@insouciantlover Nah, ya think really? Probably just an ignorant A Dude and this hasn't occurred to him ever in his life. I doubt The Hairpin screens every single A Dude candidate for his overarching knowledge of all things Hairpin, or even for unwavering openmindedness.
If you can forgive that one thing though, don't you agree this girl should leave him behind? I would assume if he's willing to be poly, then he should have the maturity to bring up subjects like impending babehs he sired.
*ETA, I know everything I know about polyamorous anything because of this website, so apologies if I stand corrected about any of the above!


@Sarah Rain I think maybe A Dude was responding to this explanation from the letter: I want the partner-and-kids thing someday. I am not fully clear on whether he’s available for this, eventually.

That to me read as if she were saying, "I could partner and have kids with this guy." In that context, "why are you sharing him?" sounds less like, "hey, don't be poly" and more like, "if you're thinking about that kind of commitment, why are you seeing other people?"


Based on the established pattern, I really expected the advice for the letter beginning with "Okay, so I've been dating this guy for a little over a year and I have to say, I've never been really crazy about him" to be "Marry him!"


I would really love to submit a question for A Dude, but I'm really nervous about sending an email from my account. Is that paranoid? Or would it be more paranoid to set up a dummy account to send one innocuous email?

fondue with cheddar

@chnellociraptor I've sent a couple questions (though not specifically to A Dude) from my personal email account which includes my first and last name, and nothing bad happened.

One of them was an IUD question, and I did get a very sweet response from Lola (A Nurse) to thank me for my question and let her know she was writing a big post about IUD's.

Not to invalidate your concerns, but I'm sure you're safe. This is the hairpin we're talking about! Everyone is awesome and respectful, including the contributors.


@chnellociraptor I say use the dummy account and embrace your paranoia!

*tips foil wizard's hat that blocks the radiation AND the alien mind-readers*


@chnellociraptor I have a Hairpin account! It's incredibly useful. It also has my real name attached to it, but you can modify that as you choose.


@chnellociraptor The only reason I can think not to use your real email account is if you're already friends with Edith and every male she knows and you think A Dude will know who you are and you're asking a question about a situation he is already familiar with IRL.


I have just suddenly, horrifyingly realized that I don't know if I would have any idea if I had a halitosis problem. It is like Febreeze, where the people who really have stinky houses don't even use it because they don't realize their houses stink?

dj pomegranate

@KeLynn I worry about this all the time. My mom is good at telling people for exactly this reason, usually in a mom way ("I think you might want to brush your teeth before we go out...") Otherwise, how do you know?!?!?!

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@KeLynn Lick the back of your hand and leave for 30 secs, then smell it. There'll always be a slight smell but that's normal. If it's a strong smell then your breath is stinky. Sounds weird but it works. Kinda hard to do discreetly while in company though 'What? I'm just eating peanuts off the back of my hand!'


@Speaking of cake, I have cake - I tried this and....I think I'm OK? There was a smell. I'd call it more than "slight" but definitely not "strong." I'm off to brush my teeth, I think.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@KeLynn Yeah you're OK, the non-strong smell is normal. Yay for no halitosis! You can also breath into your cupped hand and smell, but I find the hand-lick more effective.

Hmmm I am disturbingly well-up on breath-testing methods....


@Speaking of cake, I have cake Oh man. I can tell right now that this is going to become A Thing with me!


@dj pomegranate Best convo I ever had with my Ph.D. advisor:

Her: (blah blah blah breathing fumes on me)
Me (blinking): Would you like some gum?
Her: No, thank you.
Me: Yes you would.
Her: Oh. Ohhhh. Yes, please.


So since there is always so much breakup talk here - Someone I know just got dumped in one of those things everyone but her saw from a mile away (the dude was just so sketchy) and now she's totally miserable to the point of doing rash things and making me worry she might hurt herself and I don't know what to do or how to help.


@parallel-lines Call her and email her all the time and tell her you're there for her. If you live in the same city, take her out for drinks/dinner/coffee, or have her come over (when your boyfriend is not there) for bad tv/ice cream/sobbing.


@parallel-lines Buy her a calendar and some gold stars?


@parallel-lines If you think she is actually possibly going to hurt herself, you can call campus health/security if she is a student. Or, the police if she is not. Or a suicide resources line. I know it sounds dramatic. But. It's been known to happen that such resources are needed.

I mean it. Overreacting on this one is not the worst thing you could do if you start to see real warning signs.

If by rash/hurt you mean sleeping with inappropriate dude/ladies being mean to bosses or drinking beyond problem drinking, then what @TBJ says, all the way.

ETA: Or, if you have a counselor/GP you see or can contact, ask them for help if things are getting chaotic/scary/dangerous.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

LW #3! Call me!

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@quickdrawkiddo *phone hand gesture*


@quickdrawkiddo Hey, I don't know you. And this is crazy. But here's my number, so call me, maybe?


John Snow, is that you?
Are you at the Wall right now?
Are you and Ygritte gonna bone?
How do you get your hair like that???


@insouciantlover ASK A JON SNOW

Every answer, Ygritte jumps in after and goes all You know nothing, Jon Snow.




"Arya, you can rain death on the dragon ships AFTER you help Daddy J get the guests settled in the Tower Room. And don't make the sign of the silent skull at me or I will save you exactly zero of my cinnamon cookies tonight." -how Game of Thrones ends in Melis' head


@insouciantlover I'm so confused! Gwen left Downton Abbey to become a secretary AND NOW SHE'S BEEN CAPTURED BY JON SNOW IN A FROZEN TUNDRA HELLSCAPE.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher OMG this... this is so brilliant I'm kinda thinking someone already has a tumblr account in which they do this exact thing.

Also, I love that I have read some 8000 pages of ASOIAF and I still manage to spell Jon's name wrong. SORRY BASTARD.


@melis Okay okay BUT I must say...

*mild aftertaste of spoiler ahead*
Arya has her a BADASS character arc, yo.


@melis Oh I like this much better!




@insouciantlover ASK A PHD WESTEROSI


@insouciantlover Personally, I think Ygritte would offer way better advice. Cuz Jon Snow, he knows nothing, you see.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher OH MY GOD, I cannot like this enough. I was so so so excited last night when Ygritte said "You know nothing, John Snow" for the first time! Ugh, I'm getting chills.
I am such a geek!!!!!

The Lady of Shalott

I feel a tiny bit left out because this Dude (photo-wise) does not do it for me. :( I like my dudes clean-shaven with short hair! I cannot help it.

fondue with cheddar

@The Lady of Shalott He sort of looks like Bradley Cooper and Kenny Loggins' love child.


@The Lady of Shalott Clean-shaven with short hair, and also wearing a uniform, amirite?

Artressa Vandelay

@The Lady of Shalott: I dig him. He looks naughty.

The Lady of Shalott

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It's good when a plan comes together!


@The Lady of Shalott I'm with you. Though I have been known to like a bearded/shaggy dude or two, there's something about this one that just...doesn't do it for me.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Preferably Navy whites.


I imagine #3 as Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Totally adorable.


@Shara eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


Oh CRAP. I heard this segment on NPR yesterday and I forgot about it until there were already like 827048547 comments on this post! I did not know that Rookie Mag has an Ask A Grown Man VIDEO segment. With a lineup of hot men including Jon Hamm answering fucking questions on a video.

Tavi Gevinson is going to take over the world people. And you know it.

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@sox Dayum, I wish stuff like this had been around when I was a teen...


@sox We can only hope that it WILL be her, and not the right-wingers. Tavi, I will be your William Wallace if you'll be my Robert the Bruce! Except w/o all the betrayal that results in my agonizing death!


Last letterwriter?

Don't break up with him AND do the family holiday while pretending you're still together.

Don't ask me how I know that. It's enough that I've been there and can tell you not to do it. Trust me.


Regarding LW4: I have a very good physical relationship with my boyfriend of more than a year, and we don't kiss that much either. Correction: We kiss constantly, but little affectionate smooches. Rarely make out, regardless of our excellent sex. I've brought it up, and he suggested that it was "just natural" that the making out faded. I get it a little more than you do, it sounds like, but I still miss it. Grr.

A R 3287

I'd be happy to date someone not into making out. It really doesn't do all that much for me in and of itself, unless I am like totally crazy about the person (so I guess I can recognize how it would be upsetting if I were totally crazy about someone who never wanted to kiss me). I've been hooking up with a guy who's really into making out and I hate the way he kisses, way too soft and sensitive, I just want to be slapped in the face instead. Argh.


@A R 3287 i'm not into kissing much either, i hate tongues (near my mouth), gross. kissign other places = awesome. i get really claustrophobic when someones face is in my face.


From experience: Don't go. You will feel terrible and will be unable to enjoy the trip. Their money is going to waste either way, and if you don't go you will save yourself a loooooot of grief and trouble looking in the mirror, to say nothing of the horrifying scenario A Dude described.


This dude can tie me to a chair ANY time. Except, if you touch Puffy, I WILL CUT YOU. :-)

Also, LW4 LOL just no run away. RUN AWAY

Aaaand LW5, you remind me of this one time that I had this boyfriend I was dating for a year when his parents invited me to a 2 week long trip to Peru completely paid for. And then, a few weeks later we broke up. And I found out he was cheating on me with his ex and at least one other girl the entire time we were dating. More like... I accepted it. Because deep down I knew the whole time and ignored little signs (AND big ones). This is something I never talk about (our relationship and the breakup) because even after two years, it is a stark reminder of the mistakes I made and the lessons I needed to learn the hard way.

End of tirade. ugh feelings...


dude who dances! kindly marry me. you are perfect!!!


This A Dude looks so much like my husband that I spent a good 5 minutes squinting at the picture. It can't be him though because my husband would never buy sunglasses as nice as Ray Bans, he would almost immediately break or lose them.


"Sounds like you will have to dump him to win his love anyway."

Uh, no. I mean, it could work. But a dude that falls in love with you only after you dump him is a dude that will quickly loose interest again after he has you back.


I am a girl and not that into kissing. It's actually really annoying--I wish I loved kissing, I sometimes feel it's one of those litmus tests of being awesome that I'm failing. And that I'm the Evil Fiancee the romance hero has before getting with the real heroine. Evil Fiancee hates kissing, puppies, and the countryside but loves money, makeup and big cities!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

LW #3 is a straight male. I am a straight female. If he lives near me, we should like get married or something, is all I'm saying.

Chloe H@twitter

she is a stripper who apparently "9) she has no plan to get a job;" which makes this person's question sound less like rightly-placed concern for her friend and more like douchey judgment about one stranger's legitimate employment.


to dump him to win his love anyway. If you dump him and he then decides to be with you instead of living with his ex and dating other people, you may be onto something. If not, maybe you can make a go of it with someone else you’re seeing.invisible indoor dog fence

Shahzaib Soomrow@facebook

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