Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Memorable Last Calls

"Finally, I pulled her drink away as I refunded her $8, letting her know that it was time for her to leave. She didn’t seem to like that. She grabbed her bag off of the stool, stood up, reached towards her eye socket and removed her glass eye and set it on the bar."

...And other tales of bar-ejections.

Elsewhere: "When I want to find good places to eat in a city I don’t know, I ask for recommendations from a bartender or barista who cares about what they do. They rarely steer me wrong."

62 Comments / Post A Comment

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

ive not been kicked out of a bar yet bc i am an alcoholic angel.


@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood My bartender friend says he's never have to cut me off because right when he thinks he should, I decide to close out.


.... oh... right@v

nevernude cutoffs

Hellllllooooo FBI story man.


@nevernude cutoffs Oh man, even that tragic red eye couldn't disguise those good looks! Let's all give him our numbers on cocktail napkins.


@nevernude cutoffs Thought the same about Flask Man. Oh heeeeeey there. WINK.


@nevernude cutoffs Dibs on Guinness Man.


I was on a jury for a case where the bartender tried to kick out a drunk dude, so he came over to the side of the bar, picked up the coffee pot, poured hot coffee on her, smashed the coffee pot, and then attacked her with it! She was pretty much fine (it was a Russian bar, and several of her burly countrymen pulled the guy off before he could do any serious damage) but the he-said-she-said that went through the trial was ridiculous. We as jurors felt like the most responsible drinkers on earth.


Um. That woman with a glass eye is AWESOME.


@Kirs My uncle knows a guy with a glass eye, and sometime he'll do creepy things, like tap it with a fork, or really wiggle it around, with people who don't know it's glass.


C'mon, #6, that's your answer? DULL DULL DULL. They asked because they wanted a story about a strange bearded dude who hadn't slept in 36 hours being carried out the door without any pants or keys while yelling about his wingdangdoodle.


@frigwiggin With a name like Sother Teague, I'm pretty sure you're doomed to a life of boring responses to interesting questions. And pocket squares. And pleated pants.



"Hey Sother, what's best thing you've ever done that should have gotten you arrested?"

-"I jaywalk from time to time, I suppose."

"Hey Sother, if you could meet any person dead or alive, who would it be?"

-"I guess it would be cool to meet Al Gore."

"Hey Sother, if you could travel to any period in history, what would it be?

-"I don't know. Timetravel sounds a little ridiculous."



@insouciantlover The best time Sother Teague and I had a solemn one-on-one about my drinking.

Judith Slutler

@frigwiggin Plus, "no third time"? Dude must be working at some tony-ass bars if he's allowed to hand out SECOND CHANCES.


@frigwiggin Yeah, I was gonna say...Sother Teague, you're no fun!

Cat Jail



My friends and I were kicked out after one of my friends drunkenly fell and knocked over the DJ table, scattering (and probably breaking) equipment all over the floor. Think that's the only time I've been kicked out, and that wasn't my fault, personally.


Old dude should know that you only snack on the olive bar when the bartender isn't looking. And use a toothpick!


@insouciantlover Or just don't do that, seriously it makes bartenders so mad! So many of the really ugly stories I have heard from bartender friends start with someone grabbing an olive or an orange wedge. And no one ever uses toothpicks. So gross!


My favorite used to be when they closed the place down and locked all the doors and I was still inside. Thanks, O bartender & manager & waitstaff friends.


@atipofthehat Here it's called a lock-in;.it happens frequently enough with country pubs (and you don't necessarily need to know the owner or whatever) and it is AWESOME.

Sunny Schomaker@twitter

I was a bartender/cocktail waitress at a German bar/restaurant. There was a priest (late 20s, perhaps) hanging out at the bar, being kind of obnoxious, but that was pretty much SOP at that place. Then he joined a group in my section. They seem to be fairly amused, so I just kept an eye on the situation. Later on, he propositioned me (the passage of time has rendered the exact wording obscure, but it was rack-centric). I gave him a look of Extreme Disapproval. Taken aback, he ambled off to the bathroom. The table told me that he was getting tiresome, and they asked me to ask him to sit somewhere else.
"So you guys don't know him?"
"I'll take care of it."
He returned from the bathroom, and I informed that he had to go. He told me that he left his coat at the bar next door (they are connected), so I escorted him to the door. His "friends", relieved to see him go, started chanting my name, prompting one of the bartenders to remark, "you must feel like Larry Bird." (Which was weird because it was Wisconsin, and Larry Bird had retired. I assume it was some sort of sarcasm.)


@Sunny Schomaker@twitter Ugh, people who invite themselves into your group! I had an encounter with one of those a few years ago, at birthday drinks for my brother.

Blind drunk, this woman decided to sit with us, pester all my brother's friends, call for drinks and insist she would pay, paw at my far-too-polite little brother who kept shooting me desperate looks until I was able to convince her to get up and come to the bar with me, where I tried to convince her to leave us alone. She kept saying "I just want to buy you all drinks! Why won't you let me buy you drinks?" so in the end I thought Sod it and let her order ten shots of sambucca in this central London bar, at £3.50 each.

As soon as they're poured, she downs one, turns to me and says "Your brother said you'd pay." I was aghast, because I was working in the lower echelons of publishing and couldn't really afford to blow £35 on drinks for my brother's friends. But I knew that the barista would end up in trouble if I didn't pay, so I did, got the woman kicked out (oh, should've done that sooner!), had a quick cry in the toilets, sorted myself out and got to be the cool big sister for a few hours.

And then I ate nothing but dry pasta for the next two weeks.


@Sunny Schomaker@twitter Hit on by a drunk priest in Wisconsin? Can you write a memoir??


@glitterary i don't know if AGHAST is a strong enough word for this story!!!!

"I'll pay I'll pay I'll pay" *drink* "You pay."

Jesus. Some people.

Heat Signature

@redheaded&crazie I had a similar experience to this, but with my brother-in-law and enormous orders of chicken wings instead of a drunk woman and alcohol.

Faintly Macabre

@glitterary Oh, wow. You are a nice person and awesome sister, though! I would have stolen her wallet and paid for them [if I were a brave/criminalish person].


This friend of a friend was being obnoxious to a barmaid in some shitty New Orleans dive (since turned into yupster watering hole or vintage t-shirt shop, sadly), so she gave him some sort of concoction that made him vomit so hard he got a nosebleed. She then threw him out of the bar, at which point he wrote on the front of the building, WITH HIS NOSE-BLOOD, the word "Bitch."


@Lemonnier That is amazing.


@Lemonnier Almost certainly a Cement Mixer. I *may* have served one or two in my life. Always to a patron who deserved it.


@Lemonnier I do not sanction the use of the word "bitch," but he does get points for resourcefulness.


Patterson House makes me very happy, since my last name is Patterson and that is totally the kind of bar I would want to open.


@Megano! Well, it's either that or star in a long-running, incredibly boring Canadian comic strip.


@frigwiggin What!?


@Megano! Sorry, whenever I hear the name "Patterson" my mind jumps straight to For Better or For Worse.


I've only been kicked out of a bar once and it was definitely not my fault. One of the girls in my friend group got disgustingly wasted - as in, projectile vomiting in the bartender's face - and we were all turfed out, even though I was nowhere near her when the incident happened. It was extra devastating, because I had just met my (platonic) soul mate - we had an amazing ten minute conversation about the virtues of Steve Reich and Mexican food before I was kicked out. And I never saw him again. *wistful stare into middle distance*


@Decca ahh this is a great story.


The only place I've ever been kicked out of was an after-hours club in Tegucigalpa, Honduras. I wasn't misbehaving, they just didn't like that I was there with a Marine that was working at the US Embassy I think?


Man I just got kicked out of a bar tonight.. touche Hairpin, touche.


Spotted on the upper east side, S causing a commotion on the street yet again. Sounds like somebody was spending too much time in the girls room. We know you're a "good girl" S but it looks like the bouncers don't! Maybe next time you should tip better.


@redheaded&crazie bahahahahahaha :(


@NotBlairWaldorf (i commiserate though, i once tried to sneak booze into a bowling alley and the result was that myself and all my friends were not served liquor for the rest of the night. and i'm too embarrassed to show my face there again. good times!)


I've yet to be kicked out of a bar. I was kicked out of a McDonald's once, though.


Not to be a downer, but they really couldn't find a single lady bartender with a great "you've gotta leave" story? I find this hard to believe.


@mustelid I bartended and have several. One guy bit me once, hard on the arm, for refusing to serve him further. My barback, a monster of a boy, dragged the dude out by his greasy ponytail. While I disinfected the bite with top shelf vodka.

maybe partying will help

Man, I've never been kicked out of anywhere, not even an Internet message board. I must be doing it rong.

Stories like these always put me in mind of my favorite weird word and the context I read it in:

"The patrons gave a yell of approval. Somebody with an accordion tried to drag the Russian from his seat, but he shook his head violently, red-rimmed eyes gone wide, and croaked, "No! I will not sing! I cannot sing!"

Nobody took it amiss. Usquebalian dejection is no novelty in an Edinburgh pub." (Intervention by Julian May)

sudden but inevitable betrayal

One time a bartender yelled at me to get out of the men's bathroom (I was having a conversation with a friend and didn't want to wait for him to come out to keep talking!), but that's the extent of my bar trouble. And I have never been cut off, even when blind drunk and stained with my own puke.


I'm usually talented enough at faking sobriety to not get kicked out of a bar, but one time my friend & I were drinking at several different places in the city & were prevented from entering a place. We walked up, IDs in hand (we were 22), & the guy at the door was just like "No."


The Best Time I Got 86ed From a Sketchy Go-Go Bar

One night, my friend Judy, her boyfriend, her boyfriend's friend and I got it in our heads that we wanted to go to The Dolphin, the creepiest go-go dive in Philadelphia. I guess we wanted to see some tatties. So we're sitting at the bar, drinking our $2 PBRs, and Judy and I notice that the bartender is PILLED THE FUCK OUT. Can't focus her eyes, grabbing at and missing things in the cooler, slurring her words, the whole nine. I whisper as much to Judy and she concurs. The bartender observes our exchange and barks "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?" at us and we say no, of course not. The bartender wobbles away, and Judy and I exchange a look.

The bartender must have seen us look at each other out of the corner of her eye, so she calls over the bouncer, and he comes over and tells our group, "I'm really sorry to do this, because I know you haven't done anything wrong, but the bartender has asked me to tell you to leave and that you aren't welcome here anymore."

Faintly Macabre

@Clare Oh, yikes. Probably no different from the dancers--when my mom worked with methadone clinics/drug-addicted mothers, half her clients worked at Delilah's. I can't imagine The Dolphin's any better.

A four-star review on Yelp: "However, again ,if you are looking for an absolute dive, one in which you could have typhoid when you leave, this place is for you.. And, just disregard the faint smell of what smells like a decaying body, I am sure it's nothing."

And the obligatory "If you think dives are bars named "The Dive," don't go. If you're interested in some actual Philadelphia history and character, sit yourself down at the bar." Yes. People definitely go to the Dolphin to learn about Philadelphia's history.


My friends and I have somehow never been kicked out of our watering hole, even after girl fights, vomiting, and giant wooden table breaking. However, you can pretty much count on somebody else being thrown out every weekend. My personal favorite was the drunk couple who got into a verbal brawl with the group next to them (I'm not sure why), only because of their actions leading up to the fight. The woman and her manfriend were slow-dancing in the middle of the tiny bar while she sang karaoke to "My Heart Will Go On" WHILE their(?) 12-year-old daughter sat glumly at the table, texting the whole time.


I was cut off on my cruise ship. I was only allowed to drink again the next day when I signed a statement promising to behave better for the duration of the cruise.


@BuffyBot now THATs what I'm talking about!!!!


@BuffyBot I was kicked off of a flight once (before takeoff) for being 'too intoxicated to fly.' Vacation drunks!


No joke that FBI thing happened to me too! I finally asked the dude to leave when he put his arm around a woman who was there with her husband. It's weird what I'll allow in the name of a tip.

the angry little raincloud

So, I dated a guy for nearly five years who, in those five years, managed to get banned from many of the drinking establishments within a 10-block radius of his apartment. He got banned from one shortly after we started going out, and intermittently from others throughout the years. I probably should have taken that as a sign. (I tend to ignore warning signs.) Keep in mind, he was no young fresh out of college 20-something. He was 30 when we met. In Brooklyn, for chrissakes. Be warned, children, Klonopin does not always make you all warm and fuzzy!

In the weeks before our final breakup, he managed to get banned from three? four? bars in his neighborhood. It was really irritating because, well, I liked some of those places. So I guess it was good he dumped me (yes! he dumped me!), since I couldn't very well go back to those places...


Negroni season isn't for amateurs.


@the angry little raincloud The near-universal laid-back attitude towards Klonopin (and other benzos) is so insane to me. "It's like the most addictive thing you can be prescribed, hahaha! So fun!" --Everyone.

the angry little raincloud

@riotnrrd That dude totally could have gone pro!


I have been kicked out of bars for things my friends did! Like the time one guy I vaguely knew crawled under our table and proceeded to quietly vomit for about 20 minutes before someone noticed. Everyone at the table got kicked out, for aiding and abetting, I guess.

the angry little raincloud

I have never been thrown out of a bar, but I will admit to exhibiting some occasionally bad behavior that makes me sheepish to return for a while. I have this habit-- which I picked up while living in a place without open container laws-- of wanting to take my unfinished drinks with me. I paid for it! I want to finish it (or maybe just have the glass). But maybe just not now... A few months ago I tried taking a half-drunk flute of champagne with me, and, alas, the bouncer was not amused. I've been too embarrassed to go back to that place since.

Fine. I shouldn't be mocking ex-boyfriend above, because clearly I also have not mastered some of the finer social niceties of being an adult.

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account