Thursday, May 17, 2012


Life and Death and Coffee

"The relationship between coffee and risk of death was even more dramatic in women. Those who drank one cup per day had 5% lower odds of dying during the study compared with women who drank none. Those who consumed two or three cups a day were 13% less likely to die, those who downed four or five cups were 16% less likely to die, and those who drank six or more cups had a 15% lower mortality rate."


health, death, coffee, life

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I fucking love it when studies validate my unhealthy lifestyle. *raises cup in salutation, trembling uncontrollably*

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@Decca I know right! Finally I can keep doing something I love!!


@Decca There are also studies showing that drinking coffee decreases the risk of dementia, Parkinson's, diabetes, depression, and tooth decay. For real. Good morning!


@Decca I know! I was actually thinking maybe I would make today Day 1 of switching back to green tea, but I've just been given the perfect excuse not to bother!


@themmases This news comes on a particularly caffeinated day for me. 5 cups in and I've cleaned the house, done two loads of laundry and set up a Facebook fan page for Margaret Atwood's mechanical hand.


@sudden but inevitable betrayal seriously


@Decca I'm going to make it my goal to match you cup for cup, because you're now my hero (straps on camel-back full of coffee). Watch out co-workers.


@Decca I am inspired. More coffee!!!!


@redonion I'm just getting to my first cup now! So far behind ... Must drink coffee ... It's adderall for the uninsured!

Passion Fruit

@Decca Dang, girl. Daang.


hello everyone :) thank you so much for this@l

Daisy Razor

So what they're saying is that if I drink 40 cups a day, I'll never die. Right? Science!

Marquise de Morville

@Daisy Razor You'll never get old!


WHAT ABOUT TEA!? Because I drink a fuckton of green tea.

Tragically Ludicrous

@Megano! That fights cancer!


@Megano! Yesss. I am only a social coffee drinker, but I loooove green tea.


@Megano! Yeah, I stopped drinking coffee when I started working at home and it is toooo haaarrrrddd to make coffee and clean it all up. Chai tea! All day!!


@Megano! Yo, I work at a lab where we study green tea. Shit's got mad antimicrobial properties. So you're all good.


@BoozinSusan I'm hoping it's preserving my insides.


I... AM... INVINCIBLE!!! \o/


@Scandyhoovian I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO...scared

Oh, squiggles

@Exene Jessie Spano you step away from those caffeine pills now.


@Scandyhoovian "Here's the door to your body, see? And these are oversized novelty germs. That's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. 'Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Move it, chowderhead!' We call it, 'Three Stooges Syndrome.'"
"So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible!"
"Oh, no, no, in fact, even a slight breeze could --"


@meetapossum Yes. YES. Simpsons for all occasions.


My chances of death are 100% so I'll do what I want.


I love the headline and lead text:
Coffee linked to lower risk of death
A study finds that older adults who drink java are less likely to die than those who don't.

....I'm pretty sure that risk of death and likelihood of dying are still....100%. For everyone.

Heat Signature

You'll take my coffee from me when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands, which I am statistically 15% less likely to have, apparently.


six or more cups of coffee a day?!?!?!

kind of makes me want to do an experiment and see what would happen if i drank that much coffee. that is an insane amount of coffee. i feel that i would behave as though i were taken over by the phoenix


state your daily caffeine intake!

1 medium coffee most mornings and if i have a coke later on i'm jittery all night and can't sleep


@redheaded&crazie Two cups a day. Any more, and I shake. Any less, and I migraine.


@TheLetterL 2-3 cups of deliciousness. 2 is pretty average. 1 is fine. I get headaches on less than 1, though.

Heat Signature

@redheaded&crazie Well, pre-pregnancy it was As Much As I Could Handle, which typically meant two or three 16 oz. coffees. But NOW I am only drinking ONE 16 oz. coffee in the morning with a small iced coffee in the afternoon on occasion when I'm feeling wild and free.

dj pomegranate

@redheaded&crazie One cup in the morning with cream and sugar. Occasionally a second cup in the mid-afternoon. Anything past 6 pm and I can't sleep til 1 am. I don't get headaches without it, I just feel incomplete!


@redheaded&crazie Medium cafe au lait most mornings. Second one late morning or early afternoon if it's been a bad day.

Lily Rowan

@redheaded&crazie Yeah, I have one cup of coffee in the morning and one Diet Coke at lunch, and that is it, or I can't go to sleep.


@Lily Rowan i want to know where all the six cuppers are at! who are you people?! I am impressed, astounded, flabbergasted???


One at 10:30 whilst reading yesterday's Hairpin and one at 4:30 whilst I read today's Hairpin.
Some ruts are enjoyable!


@redheaded&crazie If I can drink the pot in three mugs, I'm going to call it three cups.


@redheaded&crazie I'm a tea drinker. I love coffee, but coffee doesn't love me. It makes me itchy, twitchy, and tummyachey. I usually start the day with black tea, then at noon I switch to green tea or herbal. But I'm still an insomniac, go figure. Once in a while (especially if there's a pastry around) I'll have a proper afternoon tea time with black tea, ooooh.


@redheaded&crazie I switched back to tea recently but I was doing just one cup in the morning. Sometimes I would have two but I'd get shaky hands at 10 AM and feel like people would think I had the DTs. I cannot imagine drinking 6, I think i would die.


I had a friend who was working and doing some intense exams and he thought he'd started having a bit of a breakdown as he'd get really shaky and overwhelmed.
Then he realized he'd drank 6 cups of coffee that day.
He dropped down to 2 after that as he didnt enjoy being turned in to a human hummingbird.


@teaandcakeordeath These days it's 1 or 2 in the morning and trying to switch to green tea in the afternoon. Still has caffeine; doesn't make you crazy.


@redheaded&crazie I'm at 1.5-2 cups on a normal day. But it gets up to 4 if I'm tired/stressed. Coffee is very soothing.


@redheaded&crazie I just finished my third-- I could definitely do six in a day & sleep that night. Coffee/caffiene doesn't make me jumpy at all, or even really wake me up that much (which is why I'll usually stick with 1 most mornings-- more is pointless)


If my cup of coffee automatically refilled itself all day, I would sip on coffee alllll day. As it stands, I drink a large (14 oz?) mug in the morning ~ 6, then 12 oz when i get into work (8:30), then another around 11, and one in the afternoon... yikes. I need the 1) energy 2) thing to do with my hands 3) thing to put in my mouth 4) ability to focus.
Coffee, i loves you.


@redheaded&crazie One or two cups, strong and black (like my heart), before 2pm. I feel actual sorrow some afternoons, knowing I can't have anymore coffee until the following morning.

Lila Fowler

@redheaded&crazie Right now, I drink about 4 cups a day. When I was teaching, I drank 8+ cups a day (one cup per class). When I was in university, I drank 1 pot of coffee in the morning and 1 pot in the afternoon.

I am going to live forever.


@redheaded&crazie 1 medium coffee usually. Sometimes another around 3 if I need it. Sometimes one after dinner if I'm eating out.

When I had a terrible receptionist job where I was bored all the time, I would just make myself coffee for something to do. I would definitely have at least 6 cups a day, and I'd have one before bed to help me sleep (???). That's when I had to force myself to stop drinking coffee after 1pm.




^-- i have had half a cup


@redheaded&crazie I think you get used to it. In my 20's I drank that much coffee and slept like a baby every single night. As I got older I gradually drank less just because I was working more and didn't have the time. 6 cups of coffee would probably make me throw up if I did it today, but I dot think it would bother me if I eased into like, like if I had one extra cup every day for a week and every week until I got up to to 6 cups a day.

Now I'm craving coffee.


@laurel Same. Although that sorrow is at least 50% not being able to take a book to a coffee shop and pretend I'm still in college and get unstructured free time.


@redheaded&crazie I do one 12 oz. americano (2 shots) with milk and sugar in the morning and maybe one 8 oz. (1 shot) in the afternoon or after work. Never more than that and never never never after 6pm.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

One Girl, Six or More Cups


@Bus Driver Stu Benedict the vibrations would be rockin

fondue with cheddar

@BoozinSusan This tea has a lot of caffeine and makes me jittery if I drink it on an empty stomach. My palate is sensitive to the bitterness of some teas, but this is really tasty!


@redheaded&crazie One cup of black tea, with milk, around 10am, during the work week. Nothing on the weekends. Apparently I am on death's doorstep.


@finguns Yeah, my dad drinks an entire big thermos at work plus a cup in the morning and at least two cups at night, and he's still in bed by 11 at the latest. No idea how he does it, other than adamantium guts.


@redheaded&crazie my grandmother used to have about 18 cups a day. She was...energetic. However, some of that excessive consumption was a carryover from her recovery from alcoholism, a switch to a more benign addiction. Plus AA always had it. Also she was a little cray.


@redheaded&crazie About zero. I have chocolate sometimes? But I don't drink tea or coffee at all, so possibly I am ENDANGERING MY HEALTH.


@redheaded&crazie one or two mugs per day. Any more and I get bitchier to the customers at work. Skipping coffee has the same effect, unsurprisingly. I'm starting to drink decaf at night, so I can have the lovely coffee taste without staying up all night.


Whatever, haters. It's not about the years in your life but the life in your years, and I plan to spend less of that life drinking watered-down diesel fuel. BAM.

Porn Peddler

@I AM DIAPHENA and none of your life enjoying the victimless, hedonistic pleasure of a smooth, well-brewed cup of coffee.



@Third Wave Housewife Trust me, my pleasures are much more hedonistic. The only people coffee pisses off is Mormons.

Porn Peddler

@I AM DIAPHENA ...have we met?


If I just add another cup of coffee, I will achieve maximum invulnerability! Palpitations and tremors? No! That's just my body trying to handle so much life-force!

Also, best part of the article: "A 1674 petition by aggrieved women in London complained that coffee left men impotent, "with nothing moist but their snotty noses, nothing stiff but their joints, nor standing but their ears," according to the book "Uncommon Grounds: The History of Coffee and How It Transformed Our World."

Dr. Allison Absinthe@twitter

@TheLetterL I'm rereading a book on coffee right now (not the one you mention but I'm blanking on the name of mine) and evidently the men responded with a hilarious petition of the own, talking about how strong coffee makes their sperm and members.

Dr. Allison Absinthe@twitter

@Dr. Allison Absinthe@twitter Aha! http://www.amazon.com/Coffee-Book-Anatomy-Industry-Bazaar/dp/1595580603/ref=sr_1_13?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337265379&sr=1-13 I'm dreading getting to the part where they talk about cartels and slave labor and I start looking askance at my own coffee habit.


Based on this morning's comsumption alone, I am immortal. Jittery and tense, with permanently stained teeth, but immortal.


@City_Dater And based on my lack of coffee consumption for the last 20 years (not allowed), I'll be kicking the bucket in T minus 10...9...8...

oh, disaster

Yesssss. Take that, smug MRI tech who totally judged me when I joked that I hadn't had my coffee yet at a 7 a.m. appointment. "You know coffee's bad for you, right?" Just take pictures of my insides, please.

dj pomegranate

My juicebox ex forbade (via emotional abuse) coffee consumption for the two years we dated, and I am tempted to send him this article. This is definitely a bad idea, so I'll just be over here, gloating over my second cup of the day.

Heat Signature

@dj pomegranate You are a better person than I. He would've been stabbed within a year.

elysian fields

@dj pomegranate the fuck?? Huh ... what? I would have pushed him out the window. Immediately. And then chugged one of those enormous Dunkin' Donuts iced coffees. And then thrown the cup at his head.
Thank God you're free to drink what you please!

dj pomegranate

@elysian fields Yeah...he said that coffee was unhealthy and that he cared about me and I should care about my health etc. We got into a lot of arguments where I was like "...but it's not actually unhealthy..." and he was like "WHY RISK IT?!" I finally gave up and stopped drinking it around him. Then I finally gave up and dumped him. BEVERAGE FREEDOM FOR ALL!

H.E. Ladypants

@dj pomegranate My boyfriend can't stand the smell of coffee.

I told him early on in our relationship he'd just have to learn to deal with it because if it came down to him vs. coffee, coffee would win.

He's learned to deal with it.

(Good on your for getting your freedom to caffinate back!)


@H.E. Ladypants I don't love the taste of coffee, but I looooove the smell. But not coffee breath. It makes me want to puke.

Tragically Ludicrous

I can only think of this. Especially the end, where you turn into a superhero! Effectively.


Did anyone else start humming this but IMMEDIATELY? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poNxrtz_p40


what's up with the smug techs who are smug about things that aren't factually proven? I have a classmate in my evening Darkroom Photography class who is a radiology tech, and he takes good photos, but he loves to talk in the darkroom and is soooo smug and condescending about ridiculous beside-the-point things (like how long he has lived in a certain place). He likes to wear his white doctor's lab coat in class, too.


@harebell oh, that was supposed to be a reply to @oh, disaster up there. whoops. not far enough into my first cup of coffee, i guess.

oh, disaster

@harebell He wears his lab coat in the darkroom?! A few friends wear them for work (one a chemist, others grad students) and they all say they take them off ASAP because they hate them.


@oh, disaster he says it's because the darkroom chemicals might stain his clothes otherwise. but it's a pristinely white lab coat from work with his name & medical company embroidered on it that he uses for work, so... dubious.

adding to the cognitive dissonance, some of his photos are quite good -- they are all just very, very meticulous.


Waaaaaait a minute, if the researchers didn't PROVIDE the coffee (they didn't), then this could be linked more to income/lifestyle than to actual coffee consumption. No way I could afford six cups of coffee a day (unless it was instant, which, no) on my budget. And wealthier people have higher life expectancies. So it's more like if you have a lifestyle where you regularly have six or more cups of coffee a day, you're probably wealthy enough that you can afford a better means of living.

Maybe? Whatever, I'm tryig to defend the fact that I don't drink much coffee.


@SarahP Also, wouldn't someone who developed certain health problems potentially give up/cut back on caffeine? I'm thinking of hypertension, but I'm sure there are others.


@TheLetterL good point, diabetes would be another big one i'd imagine

elysian fields

@SarahP This was my first thought, too ... wealthier people probably drink more coffee, which means they're probably healthier in the first place than people who are less wealthy.
I'm sure you're totally healthy and will live forever*! Even without coffee.
*not forever forever, but you know what I mean


@SarahP I drink the free coffee at work. Plus, the type of coffee they're talking about (black!) is what, $1.50? I'd hope they'd do control of people in the same socioeconomic class. Otherwise, not valid.

Marquise de Morville

@SarahP As others pointed out, there should be socio-economic controls. Coffee is not that expensive if you have a coffee-maker at work and make your own drip coffee. If I had one I would be drinking way too much. Or you could make coffee like my late great-grandmother that was so weak it looked like tea.

H.E. Ladypants

@Jennifer@twitter I would argue against the idea that weathly people drink more coffee. Drinking coffee doesn't mean drinking fancy coffee or even buying a cup from someone else. A lot of people just make coffee at home. Buy a big can of Maxwell House and you can easily make a whole pot of coffee for $1.50 a day.

I grew up in a very, very blue collar town/region and I don't see nearly as much coffee consumption, even here in New York. Where I grew up people working night shifts or long shifts in the mines or the oil field routinely drank enormous thermoses of coffee. Kids often started drinking coffee (usually black) in their early teens and it wasn't uncommon to drink five or six cups on a weekend morning or at a diner sitting down chatting with friends.


@H.E. Ladypants Yup, agree. The only reason I mentioned socioeconomic classes is because those drastically affect how long you live. If you're working in the mines all day, you are probably going to have a shorter lifespan than a banker.

H.E. Ladypants

@H.E. Ladypants Rural coffee anecdote time: Ages and ages ago there was a lady who opened up a fancy coffee shop in a small town in my rural, very cowboy state. Now, cowboy and cowboy-types tend to drink very strong, very black coffee. (After I moved away from home I started using sugar- 2 tsp- in my coffee. Every time he saw me do this my dad would drawl, "what're you drinkin'? Kool-aide?") So this poor lady got a bit of slack from the local community. Finally she challenged one of the guys to come in, swearing that she would brew him the strongest coffee he'd ever had in his life.

Duly, the gentleman reported for his cup of coffee. She gave him a mug full (a MUG FULL!) of espresso. The guy took a sip. Then,

"Ma'am, that's a mighty fine cup of coffee."

And thus, a tiny coffee shop, in a tiny town, in the middle of nowhere went on it's way, convincing some of the locals to enjoy lattes and iced coffee and occassionally, handing out mugs of thick black espresso to cowboys who were happy with her "really strong coffee."

H.E. Ladypants

@Jennifer@twitter Ah. That makes quite a bit more sense. And agreed.


@H.E. Ladypants Yes, while I agree that there should be more controls in the study--socioeconomic class being one of them--I would also definitely NOT assume that wealthier people drink more coffee and are therefore skewing the study that way. I think they just drink more expensive coffee.

I mean, I have no actual statistics, but just based on observation and anecdote, I've worked some manual/blue-collar jobs and it's basically just a coffee drinking party all day long.


As I nervously wait for my appointment at the GP to check out a mystery lump, this article has me chugging my lukewarm coffee like a boss because clearly it fixes everything. I WILL NEVER DIE NOW AND THE WORLD SHALL BE MINE.

fondue with cheddar

@Ialdagorth It shall! The lump is just your body getting all knotted up with excitement over how long you're going to live.

Seriously though, good luck! *hugs*


I love how "13% less likely to die" implies there is a chance I could live forever.


Between the amount of water I'm supposed to drink, and the amount of coffee I want to drink, I'll never leave the bathroom.


@Smallison Don't forget juice.


does this count for decaf? is it the coffee, or the caffeine? because I think if I drank more than a cup a day I would be 1.) unemployed 2.) very alone with no friends or lovers and 3.) unhappy - caffeine just makes me unbearable.

Oh, squiggles

@teenie It seems to be more coffee, than caffeine itself, so feel free to drink up all the decaf and still feel smug :)

The Lady of Shalott

My boyfriend regularly drinks three or four gigantic cups of coffee every day. I have seen him, with my own eyes, drink a large cup of coffee and then go directly to bed. And fall asleep in like thirty seconds. It is AMAZING, if I drank anywhere near that much coffee I would vibrate myself to death.


@The Lady of Shalott actually that makes for the perfect nap. It takes a while for caffeine to hit. So, 1) drink cup of coffee, not in a hurry but also without dawdling over it. 2) IMMEDIATELY lie down for nap. 3) wake up 15 minutes later, totally alert and ready to go for hours!
This is what my husband & I both do in times of pinch... especially me now that I have a sofa in my office!


@The Lady of Shalott My dad is the exact same way. Like he almost will fall asleep at the restaurant, after having coffee with dessert. It's insane.


I don't drink coffee, soda, or anything with caffeine (I stick to herbal teas) because it gives me stomachaches. So one time recently, a friend of mine made me some chai tea, and I didn't think anything of it, but my body reacted immediately to this sudden intake of caffeine that it wasn't used to. I went INSANE. My heart was pounding out of my chest at light-speed, my eyes felt like they were going to pop out, I could NOT stop talking a mile a minute, and I developed a sensation that I imagine Restless Leg Syndrome feels like. I've never done cocaine, but I assume the reaction I had would be similar to that of being coked up.

Long story short: I am happy to die several years earlier than the rest of the population if I never have to feel that way again. Question for the masses: is that what drinking coffee always feels like? If yes, do you guys ENJOY that??

H.E. Ladypants

@olivebee No, that is what an overdose of caffeine feels like. It's not a fun feeling. If you've gone this long without caffeine and then doused yourself with a large cup of it, it's entirely possible to get more caffeine than your system can handle.

Ordinarily coffee makes me feel both more awake and a bit more relaxed at the same time. I've been drinking coffee since I was 12, too, so I also have a tolerance that allows me to have a few cups without starting to get "the jitters."


@olivebee Coffee has never made me feel that way - not even when I first started drinking it. Mostly, it makes me not tired and lethargic. I tried once, for about a month, to quit coffee and never quit getting headaches and being tired. The withdrawal effects should have abated within about a week, but for me they persisted. The first cup I had after a month of abstinence did make me pretty high, though, but it was euphoric rather than edgy/jittery.

Oh, squiggles

*Mentally makes note to toast to 100th birthday with booze-laden coffee


Coffee is the lifeblood that fuels the dreams of champions.


Wait, no!!!! I just quit coffee cause it makes my insides feel sad. I think. I love coffee. I'm in withdrawal. The tea is not enough.


Can I just say something? As a person who no longer drinks milk but loves light iced coffee, I have recently discovered FRESH CASHEW MILK ICED COFFEE, a new thing that is better than anything.

Sure, it took 7 years to be able to buy a Vitamix, but it was WORTH IT.

Porn Peddler

One cup of coffee being, of course, six ounces.

So yesterday I had.....four cups?


Anyone else read it like, "Those who drank one cup per day had 5% lower odds of dying during the study"?

No? Just me then?


Caffeine has no stimulating effects on me of any kind, except for stimulating my stomach to try to puke (watery, like Americano) coffee out or my bowels to kick into overdrive. It's so tasty though!


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