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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

174

In Case of Snakes

Snakes are terrifying creatures. These giant devil worms not only look like giant devil worms, but they also have the ability to kill you without even using a gun. Furthermore, I refuse to trust an animal without eyelids — nothing freaks me out more than something that sleeps with its eyes wide open because ... how can you dream? But perhaps the most terrifying thing about snakes is that you never know which way they're going. With their wacky body motion, the movements of these beasts are utterly impossible to read. Before you know it, they'll eat your grandma, and then they'll eat you, and then they'll eat the bowl of cake batter you were just about to eat. That’s just the way these jukey animals choose to live. But there is hope! What follows are some common snake scenarios and what you can do to best survive them. Good luck!

Snake on Boat

Your first gut instinct may be to jump off the boat and into the water. But that's actually the worst thing you can do. Snakes can swim. A snake will unquestionably follow you into the water. And the only thing more terrifying than a snake is a snake in water, because everyone knows that a snake in water will just enlist the help of his water-cousin, the eel, and then BAMMO! Two versus one.

What you need to do is fight your impulse to jump in the water. Look around? Do you see a pole? There are always a variety of pole-like tools on boats. Use that pole to whack that snake to death. Yes, just like that, keep hitting it until there is blood splattered everywhere. Now smear that blood on your face. You look cute!

Snake Outside

First of all, why are you outside? Outside is the natural environment of a snake and your chances of running into one are of the greatest probability. The best advice I can give is to never go outside.

But if you must venture there, I strongly advise you do so only with a mongoose, the natural enemy of the snake. Because if you're going outside without a mongoose as protection, you're clearly a crazy person with a death wish. People may say walking around with a mongoose is also a sign of a crazy person. Well, let them!

Snake on Plane

Forget evasive maneuvers, it’s time to be a hero. Crash that plane into the ground. Because of you there is one less snake in the world.

Snake in Book

If a snake is in a book, shut that book! And if said book is in a library, burn down that library! Yes, libraries, books, and reading are all very important components of a well-functioning society, but more important is that we don’t have snakes in our books. This goes for actual snakes in books and pictures of snakes in books.

Snake in Bed

If a snake slithers into your bed while you're sleeping, run. If a snake slithers into your bed because you want it there ... because of your unique sexual tendencies ... then, hey man, whatever floats your boat. This is however, incredibly dangerous and often perceived as "a weird thing to do" by the rest of the human population.

Snake in Tornado (not to be confused with a “Snake Tornado”)

If you're being chased by a tornado that sucked up a snake during its path of unbridled destruction, you should handle this situation as you would handle your average run of the mill non-snake-containing tornado. Run to an underground shelter or bridge. Please keep in mind that at any moment the snake may become disengaged from the tornado and launched at you as if it could fly. That being said, let us all take a moment to be thankful snakes cannot fly.

Snake in Giant Trash Compactor

You’ve actually found yourself in the movie Star Wars: A New Hope. What you’re dealing with is not a snake but a giant parasite known as a dianoga.

Don’t worry about this snake-like creature; you have bigger problems ... like ... how did you get into a movie? And how are you going to get Harrison Ford to make sweet, sweet love to you?

Snake in Space

If you’re in space this means either:

A) You're an astronaut, and by nature very dashing and intelligent. Use these qualities to defeat the snake.

B) It's the year 3100, when technology is so advanced that even an everyday non-astronaut commoner like you can get to space using a space elevator. Since it's 3100, this means the Great Snake War has already occurred and the human race has successfully annihilated all snakes (and their eel cousins, too). What you’re looking at is most likely a rogue strand of string cheese. But please be aware that even though snakes and eels have been exterminated, there are still turtles. And what really is a turtle other than a snake with legs and an impenetrable shell?

Molly Ghuzzi lives in New Jersey. Her blog, Palpably Weird, is available on the internet.



174 Comments / Post A Comment

Nicole Cliffe

THIS IS RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR NEWSLETTER.

Nicole Cliffe

@Nicole Cliffe OH, and Edith has already heard my story about why you shouldn't wear headphones while walking your dog on trails in Utah. Because the rattlesnake will finally tire of warning you, and will instead STRIKE AT YOUR LEG, purposely missing, until you finally notice and run away.

Verity

@Nicole Cliffe That is terrifying.

The Lady of Shalott

That picture of a person and a snake happily in bed together is making me very happy for some reason. But....secret confession time: I love snakes.

But even speaking as a person who loves snakes, once I killed a snake with a shovel in the yard because it crept up and startled me while I had a shovel in my hand. I'm sorry, snake. You were a victim of Wrong Place, Wrong Time, Wrong Easily-Startled Lady Holding a Shovel.

remargaret

@The Lady of Shalott Snakes are valuable predators,it is good to like them!

@serenityfound

@The Lady of Shalott I. Love. Snakes. (as long as they aren't poisonous) As a child, I often tried to catch the gopher snakes in our backyard and had several teachers with classroom snakes. On the other hand, I also grew up in rattlesnake country and am super paranoid about them.

EpWs

@The Lady of Shalott Do snakes ever do anything BUT creep up on us? They are inherently creepy.

pterodactgirl

@The Lady of Shalott I love snakes too, since my daycare had several that we were allowed to hold and care for. I guess I was just indoctrinated by the snake faction at a young age? True Fact: when I was four or five I saw a girl get bit ON THE FACE and I totally blamed her because she'd been handling the snake wrong. I would probably be on the wrong side in the Great Snake War.

Ophelia

@pterodactgirl I think that you might wind up on the RIGHT side in the Great Snake War, since clearly they will be the ones writing about it afterwards.

pterodactgirl

@Ophelia They will be the ones hissing to their grandsnakes about it in the great Snake Oral Tradition, you mean.

Slapfight

@The Lady of Shalott I too love snakes. My friend had one that would wrap aroind my neck and through my hair and fall asleep. So cute! And their skin is so amazing.

Slapfight

@Slapfight Also, I take things falling asleep on me as a compliment.

Ophelia

@pterodactgirl I truly hope the remaining, bitter humans abbreviate the great Snake Oral Tradition as SnOT.

pterodactgirl

@Ophelia Oh man, they would have to, wouldn't they? Except for the favored few Vichy humans who would be careful to call it by its full name.

OhMarie

@The Lady of Shalott I love them too!! I wanted a snake so badly as a kid, but was told no because my Grandma is terrified of them and would never come to our house again.

MoonBat

@pterodactgirl My boa bit my lip once but it definitely was my fault, I sneezed while holding her in front of my face, startling her. Also she was just a wee baby snake at the time.

okaycrochet

@@serenityfound Snake love! Mostly big snakes for me though. There is a banana-yellow boa constrictor in the Bio building at the university I attended, and her name is Charlotte, and she just lounges around in her cage except you can take her out any time you want to play with her outside and BIG SNAKE YAYYYYYYYYYY especially because with her draped over your shoulders in the sun it was like a big heavy warm happy muscly... feather boa? YES.

@serenityfound

@okaycrochet OMG. You are SO. LUCKY. I got to (help) hold a great big boa in first grade and have wanted one ever since. You could just take her out and play with her WHENEVER??

candybeans

@MoonBat ahhh that sounds really cute! a baby snake getting startled by a sneeze and biting! (i picture this not really hurting, which is what makes it cute; does it hurt when a baby snake bites your lip?)

laurel

@okaycrochet I picture you looking something like this.

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher This is so true that snakey-types are even classified by their creepiness. Herpetology comes from the Greek herpeton or creeping animal. Because of the creeping.

MoonBat

@candybeans No it didn't hurt, it was like being flicked in the upper lip, except with some bleeding, their baby fangs are rather sharp! But she was only a foot long at the time. And had an affinity for wrapping herself around my ponytail and snoozing while enjoying the body heat radiating from my head. I accidentally "wore" her to dinner once, not remembering her until the waitress complimented my "exotic hair accessory". She looked like a tiny version of the snake in the shower photo above. Boas have beautiful faces.

okaycrochet

@laurel So THAT'S why I was so, incredibly, completely popular in college. Picking up a snake... the ultimate beauty transformation into 90's pop sexy lady! (I want to believe this so, so badly)

remargaret

Fun fact: my first job, at age 16, was trapping snakes in the swamps of SC. Instilled a healthy respect for them. Also, cottonhead venom smells bad.

hallelujah

@remargaret I lived in SC for a short time a few years ago, and heard so many bonkers legends about the swamps! Like monsters and stuff! Coming from NYC (Harlem, no less), I was not cut out for that shit.

PistolPackinMama

@remargaret smells bad how?

spoondisaster

@remargaret Ugh, my parents live on a swamp (they lovingly refer to it as marsh) in SC and I have lost count of how many poisonous snakes my dad has reported killing them. He even skinned one and made it into a belt.

But that sounds like a pretty cool job, how did you find that?

remargaret

@PPM smells kinda musty and fishy, definitely smells like it is supposed to do you harm.
@spoondisaster George Washington hated the swamps (marshes, ok) of SC too. I got the job thru school - we were required to do a summer research project, so I was a field research assistant. My options were snakes or tobacco worms. I still think I chose wisely.
Your dad's belt sounds rad :)

spoondisaster

@remargaret That sounds awesome and I am jealous. The best research assistant job I had involved watching fruit flies have sex. Wrangling snakes sounds much more exciting.

parallel-lines

True story: I once had an elderly landlord hand write the words "no snakes!!" on one of those store bought prefab apartment leases, which he then presented to me for a legally binding signature.

He really did not like snakes!

SarahP

@parallel-lines Maybe it was only for your lease. Do you look like a kind of person who would being snakes into an apartment?

parallel-lines

@SarahP No way. It was just so weird and completely out of left field, like, "Hey you, NO SNAKES!" and I was like, "Uh, yeah, of course."

parallel-lines

I also have a horror story about SNAKES COMING OUT OF OUR DRAINS every spring when I lived in a rural area back in high school. Country folks, please tell me you know what I'm talking about. Snakes in the tub!

Spooky Behaviour

@parallel-lines Well, I probably will never shower again. NEVER AGAIN.

hulia

@parallel-lines GAHHHHHHHH! WHAT?!

I... do not like snakes. And am REALLY happy this wasn't a thing in our rural area. Maybe because we had well water?

@serenityfound

@parallel-lines I used to be terrified that a poisonous snake would crawl up into the toilet and bite me in the ass if I tried to use the bathroom at night. Always had to turn a light on.

EpWs

@@serenityfound Poisonous toilet-dwelling snakes fear the light.

sovereignann@twitter

@parallel-lines OK, OK, OK, (deep breaths) OK, so between this and loo rats...I'm never going to the bathroom with the lights off again. I wonder if the snakes are in search of the loo rats...also, ever since that X-Files episode with the fluke-man...I just. I mean,I have no words. Also, I have no idea how I'm going to sleep tonight. Although apparently it will be with a full bladder, I have to say.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@Spooky Behaviour: "Can you hand me a towel?"

parallel-lines

@hulia They were just garter snakes--totally nonpoisonous--and usually they were babies but still, it was pretty grody.

EvilAuntiePeril

@serenityfound @sovereignann@twitter I have this same fear about loo rats after I found evidence of a rat in my flat and tried to get my landlord to deal with it by blocking the GIANT hole under the boiler. He claimed that the rat must have swum out of the toilet, regardless of the fact that all evidence (a trail of broken sugar-egg-shells) pointed straight to the boiler.

I kept the lid shut for weeks, and to this day, cannot go to the toilet in the night without a quick check for rodents splashing about in the bowl, preparing their assault on my pantry.

parallel-lines

@hulia It was nowhere near as bad as this place http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1349679/Desperate-realtor-slashes-price-Idaho-home-infested-SNAKES.html

Ophelia

@parallel-lines AAH! I was JUST looking for that article. YES!

null

@@serenityfound I had a similar fear! I passed it on to a small child I was babysitting when I was about 10 years old.

spiraldawn

@parallel-lines Is this the time to tell the story of how my roommate discovered a bat hiding under the rim of the toilet seat by the wings flapping against her ass?

@serenityfound

@Too Much Internet THAT IS THE MOST AMAZING PHOTO. I still want a badass snake like that. I only fear toilet/poisonous snakes.

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It's science, yo.

@EvilAuntiePeril If they're coming up through your loo, assaults on your pantry are the things I would be least concerned about. Unless pantry is some new fancy slang with which I am unfamiliar...

Does Axl have a jack?

@parallel-lines *head tilt* I'm...actually a little bit jealous of your baby garter snake-emitting drains. On my personal scale of cute things that would make me happily squee if I found them in my bathtub, they're below kittens but above hamsters.
/weird

sox
sox

@parallel-lines I cannot actually hear my thoughts right now because of the screams in my brain resulting from the thought of this, the photos that Too Much Internet posted, and the memory of that article awhile back about the couple who bought the house on the snake infested land. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

EvilAuntiePeril

@@serenityfound heeee!

NuckingFux Nix

@spiraldawn Or the time to tell the story about the time my boyfriend found a bat stuck in our bathtub drain only after stepping into the tub naked? Apparently bats can fit through holes the size of a quarter. A QUARTER, PEOPLE.

Punk-assBookJockey

@parallel-lines Exactly! I scrolled through this looking for the "snake in bathtub" scenario.

Verity

@spiraldawn NO IT IS NOT

TheDragon

@parallel-lines
We never had snakes in the drain, but scorpions and centipedes would fall in from the bathroom window and chill in the bathtub. I still can't take a shower without thoroughly checking for creepy crawlies.

musicello11

@@serenityfound THAT IS ALWAYS MY FEAR AT NIGHT.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@Too Much Internet NOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYYYY, WHY WITH THIS PICTURE, WHY??????

embley

I feel that this post was written specifically for me. Thank you, Molly, for everything about this. And thank you, Rudyard Kipling, for instilling in me a deeply rooted and paralyzing fear of snakes. Rikki-Tikki-Tavi 4evah!

sovereignann@twitter

@embley I used to read that all the time. Also, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was my favorite once a year show. I think it was on every year around Easter for some reason. (This comment brought to you by old-ish person whose early childhood did not include tapes or discs of any kind.)

themmases

I love snakes because the only snake I've met recently ("Verlaine") loved me. When it comes to animals, and really most people, that's all I need.

Lucienne

@themmases Okay, but be careful when you start your gun running career!

sovereignann@twitter

@themmases OK, snakes who have names and live in aquariums I'm cool with. Snakes I run across in a field or who come up my drains (!) I'm not so cool with.

Spooky Behaviour

I don't think I've ever laughed at a post that made me so physically uncomfortable/tense/terrified. I feel really strange. Like, I'm smiling but I'm also nauseous at the thought of snakes flying (why don't they fly? Wouldn't that really fit in with the whole minions-of-the-devil thing they've got going on?). I also live in a mild but constant fear of snakes somehow being in my apartment. In Toronto.

sarah girl

@Spooky Behaviour Ugh I feel you, I am stupid-terrified of snakes. The illustrations were so hilarious and funny, but still, tiny internal screams over here.

nogreeneggs

@Spooky Behaviour Agree with both of you. Having a mild anxiety attack, but also laughing?

Vicky

I must confess my affection for snakes is not based on any real life vicky/snake interaction but instead because my cat's favorite toy is a little stuffed snake that he likes to carry around in his mouth (by the scruff of its plush snakey neck).

Dancercise

What about the snakes on Snake Island? "Local legend claims there are five snakes to every square meter..."

Antonius Block

@Dancercise Mãe de Deus!!

Maria

@Dancercise What @Antonius Block said.

New Hoarder

@Dancercise "The viper population is also at risk from inbreeding, effects of which are evident in the population." Explain.

New Hoarder

@Dancercise "For a long time, the island's only inhabitant was a lighthouse keeper." Waiting for the tell-all book.

New Hoarder

@New Hoarder "The Golden Lancehead is the only species of snake on the island, yet is considered in danger of extinction since it has no other habitat and might be wiped out by wildfire."

I dunno, after reading this too: http://www.nationalgeographic.com/fieldtales/snakeisland/ I am feeling sort of affectionate towards this poor little mega-deadly guy that HAS NO PLACE ELSE TO GO. *sniff*

BoozinSusan

One time I was swimming in a river in a rainforest with a bunch of other people and then a big lime-green snake started swimming next to me and then it went on shore and hissed at all of us and it had really sharp fangs and I think I shivered for, like, the rest of the day.
The end.
For everyone with snake phobias: you're welcome.

Amphora

@BoozinSusan Whoa! That's some Poisonwood Bible shit!

NeenerNeener

@BoozinSusan I'm a huge animal person, but there is no way I will ever go swimming in a river in the rainforest.
Related, I will also never go swimming anywhere in Australia.

BoozinSusan

@NeenerNeener That's a good idea. Because if Shark Week taught us anything, it's that Australia is just code-word for death. If the sharks don't getcha, the BOX JELLYFISH WILL!

NeenerNeener

So you decide to maybe try the fresh water to cool off in, and then all the alligators eat you instead.

tortietabbie

@BoozinSusan And if the box jellyfish don't, the STINGRAYS TOTALLY WILL.

EpWs

@tortietabbie And if the stingrays don't, the SWIMMING POISONOUS WATERSNAKES WILL.

BoozinSusan

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher and if the swimming poisonous watersnakes don't, THE WALLABIES TOTALLY WILL

gobblegirl

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher And if you get out of the water, the HUGE SPIDERS WILL EAT YOU. THEN A SNAKE. http://www.news.com.au/travel/news/spider-eats-snake-caught-on-camera/story-e6frfq80-1226332961171

sovereignann@twitter

@NeenerNeener Oh heavens, box jellyfish. I think it was on NatGeo where I saw them (one of which is basically invisible!) and what they do to people and decided with all the HD technology, there's no real need for me to actually swim around the Great Barrier Reef.

plumb-bob

@BoozinSusan Oh, it's not that dangerous really. I've lived in Australia most of my life without being bitten by anything more deadly than a mosquito. Though there was that morning a few weeks ago that my husband went into the kitchen to find the cat playing with a redback spider, and the Brown Snake we saw chillin' (warmin'?) by the side of the path in the countryside last week, which we looked up on the internet to find it's ONLY THE SECOND MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD. But nobody got bitten, so it was fine!

Kate Kane

Life in Australia:

Nutellaface

@gobblegirl WHY.

lora.bee

"And how are you going to get Harrison Ford to make sweet, sweet love to you?"

When someone finds the answer to this, please let me know.

Beericle

@lora.bee
Also, you know in the Indiana Jones movies, he hated snakes, which only makes me love him more.
-sigh-

BoozinSusan

Also, this girl (awesomely) seems like a mix between McSweeney's and Hyperbole and a Half. I like your style, grrrrrl.

EpWs

The snake-outside-the-house picture is making me so giggly that people are looking at me funny. Will probably have to fake a coughing fit/seizure to cover. So generally MORE FROM MOLLY, PLEASE.

Jane Err

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Totally, I just want it framed, unexplained, in my house somewhere.

MISTAKE.

DH@twitter

Nooo I love snakes!

EpWs

Also, relevant to snakes and also grad students: FAQ: The Snake Fight Portion Of Your Thesis Defense. Hat tip to the 'Pinner who alerted me to this.

Amphora

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Bahahahaahaha
Q: Are the snakes big?
A: We have lots of different snakes. The quality of your work determines which snake you will fight. The better your thesis is, the smaller the snake will be.

EpWs

@Amphora Although if you get a poisonous snake, it often means that there was a problem with the formatting of your bibliography.

Amphora

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Having just finished my master's thesis a week ago, I would not put it past Rutgers University to institute such a policy!

EpWs

@Amphora There were times during the course of prepping for my defense when I would actually have preferred a snake fight. (Congratulations!)

Lucienne

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Haaah, this is brilliant!

Canard

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Posted on the Facebook wall of my grad student husband. Let's see if end-of-semester sleep deprivation has amplified his sense of humor or removed it!

VolcanoMouse

@Canard Holy crap, lady. You are me, but from two and a half hours in the past.

Or am I you from two and a half hours in the future? LET ME TELL YOU YOUR (boring) FUUUUUTURE (hint: husband still has not finished that paper, more coffee was administered).

VolcanoMouse

@VolcanoMouse No, wait. I am confused. Or in a time warp.

EpWs

@Canard Let us know how it goes/went? (Or if you and VolcanoMouse are the same person but in a time warp, we already know? I'm confused.)

anachronistique

@Amphora RUTGERS! *fistshake*

Canard

@VolcanoMouse I think I am you! And he has STILL not finished that paper. Right?

His response to the post was "Bring it on."

Canard

@Canard (replying to myself because I can't seem to edit) This time, at least, sleep deprivation seems to be manifesting like drunkness. Which is great for me (on the infrequent occasions I've made contact with him over the last week), because Drunk Mr. Canard is basically the most fun being in the universe.

Katie Heaney

This is very funny and I will be coming back to that picture of the man leaving his house to a giant snake monster quite a lot, I think.

harebell

If you ever revise this, I vote for "Snake Falling Out of a Tree on You," which is my personal major phobia and also definitely something they do.
I lived somewhere once where we discovered a green mamba in our backyard -- one of the types that actually does hunt by falling out of trees onto potential prey and is very, very poisonous. So disgusting. Luckily we managed to kill it, and never saw any other ones. It's all about the long stick to hold the head down while you kill it. Ughitty ugh ugh. Wanting a mongoose now. :)

EpWs

@harebell Where did you live?

/fear

harebell

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It was in Accra, Ghana. We had a big yard. Lifelong fear of snakes after that!... but in the US I think you would have to go wading in the Everglades with all the imported Burmese pythons to be in any danger of replicating the experience.

TheDragon

@harebell
I accidentally kicked a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake while on a hike when I was about 6 years old, and since then I've become very very careful about hands and feet placement, but I've never had any problems since.

Ophelia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLaX8UvVUQw

fabel

I actually like snakes? But then again, I've never run into one. Where are there snakes?

(This was very funny though :))

TheUnchosenOne

I am pretty sure there is a documentary about what to do in case you ever discover snakes have been smuggled aboard a plane, and subsequently escaped from captivity. I don't remember what it was called. Samuel L. Jackson narrated it. It seemed very helpful in case snakes were ever discovered on a plane!

spoondisaster

@TheUnchosenOne I think one of the strategies involves saying the word "motherfucking" a lot. Somehow snakes are afraid of that word-- don't ask me how, it's science.

sceps yarx

This post made me feel very confident in my drawing skills. Yay drawings!

Maria

Did not know snakes didn't have eyelids. Also this may be the greatest thing I have ever read.

MollyculeTheory

The way the first snake is drawn kind of makes it look like it has arms and instead of hissing it's coming in for a hug like "oh my god, hey girl, I haven't seen you in forever!"

TheUnchosenOne

Snakes fall into my category of living creatures called "You Will Be Left Alone If Encountered Outside But If You Come Inside I Will Murder You, Seriously, What Were You Thinking." This category also includes nearly all arthropods.

Xanthophyllippa

@TheUnchosenOne Essentially anything with more than four limbs falls into that category for me.

SarahP

I like snakes! But I have never lived in a place where they were poisonous, so that would probably change my mind.

NeenerNeener

@SarahP
Here's a fun fact: Maine is the only state that doesn't have any poisonous snakes.
I have no further information currently.

SarahP

@NeenerNeener Waaaait, the state in which all of Stephen King's books are set... has no snakes? He managed to make Maine creepy without the use of snakes?!

NeenerNeener

@SarahP
He did, though sometimes he had to rely on clowns or bird/insects born of fog, animals coming back from the dead, etc. to do so. The man truly has a great imagination.

SarahP

@NeenerNeener I bet there was a snake in that Sematary.

joie

@NeenerNeener what is Alaska, chopped liver? THERE'S A REASON I LIVE HERE.

travelmugs

I'm now reading a book about snake-handling churches, "Salvation on Sand Mountain" thanks to the other week's Books About Real People requests, so this really freaked me out. What should I do about Snakes In Church? Burn the church down?

EpWs

@travelmugs Leave.

travelmugs

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Start a mongoose-handling church?

KatPruska

@travelmugs I'm picturing a Sharks and Jets situation, complete with dance numbers while holding a snake or a mongoose and it is glorious inside my head right now.

Why aren't there more kitten-handling or hedgehog-handling churches? (I mean, yes, I get it, snakes are dangerous and clearly god loves me more if I can hold them without dying, or whatever, but surely the skin-tearing sharpness of kitten claws and teeth are a hazard too!)

laurel

@KatPruska This is such a good question.

JaneDoe

@KatPruska
Bathing them is hazardous to your heath.

travelmugs

@KatPruska Man oh man, I would join a kitten-handling church in a heartbeat.

myrna.minkoff

@Dancercise Atomic weaponry. Kill it with science.

Equestrienne

Ok, so I'm definitely a snake person. Can we please discuss Titanoboa for a minute? Amazing. Also, mongooses are the creepiest little red-eyed squirrel weasels and I hate them.

TheDragon

@Equestrienne I work at petsmart, an I love letting our little pythons chill coiled around my left hand/arm while I work.
As a super outdoorsy kid growing up on the edge of town in the SW United States, snakes were just a part of life. I don't like running across them outside unexpectedly, but I don't understand the mindless terror. You can out pace most snakes at a WALK. They aren't ninjas. They are slow, and fragile, and as long as you see them they aren't gonna get ya.

Xanthophyllippa

@The Kendragon I routinely run them over while biking, because from afar they just look like a stick in the trail and most of the time I'm looking ahead and not down.

sarah girl

Did anyone else have to nervously lift their feet off the ground while reading this? Snaaaaakes *cries*

null

THIS IS THE BEST. When I was a kid I found our boa constrictor(that had escaped from its cage months before) coiled up in the middle of an old photo album that had been in our basement. I screamed and threw the album across the room.

EpWs

@klaus I am picturing the world's biggest photo album.

null

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher hah, it was pretty big! It was a three ring binder type. The snake was pretty long, but on the younger side.

gobblegirl

Snake-avoidance tip #1: Live in a place where it is tundra-like for 8 months of every 12. Snakes will not follow, because snake-parkas are impractical and expensive.

@serenityfound

@gobblegirl And yet, so fetching.

spoondisaster

@gobblegirl How do they keep them on with no arms or shoulders?

KatPruska

@spoondisaster double-sided tape

The Lady of Shalott

@spoondisaster Staples.

spoondisaster

@The Lady of Shalott I wish I could thumbs this up more than once.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@The Lady of Shalott I would be okay with someone (not me! DO NOT TOUCH) stapling a snake. Sorry.

nogreeneggs

Related: Thing I most hate about gardening: surprises. Like last weekend, when I thought was picking up shrub clippings but was actually picking up a giant toad (and some shrub clippings).

redheaded&crazy

my closest call with a snake-like creature was the centipede I found just chillin on the wall right above my headboard. UM. NO. CENTIPEDE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING SO CLOSE TO MY BED.

you know how they say that we swallow spiders because they come into our mouths at night to sleep well I have a persistent and terrible fear that this will happen with a centipede :S

/kindof snake-related

also can somebody please tell me what to do in case a centipede crawls in my mouth while i'm sleeping other than immediately cleanse my mouth with fire because that's the only solution i can come up with but it sounds painful

TheUnchosenOne

@redheaded&crazie Good news! There's no need to worry about that because no spider or centipede will ever go anywhere near your mouth.

But if it does happen, the Seinfeld remedy of cutting bleach with mouthwash is probably your safest bet.

Xanthophyllippa

@redheaded&crazie Because I am stupid, I started posting something about centipedes being made of dust and Satan, then wondered if I really meant millipedes. Because I am stupider than stupid, I googled "house millipede." If you need me, I'll be squatting on a chair for the rest of the night, rocking back and forth and keening softly to myself.

Betsy Murgatroyd

@Xanthophyllippa When I was staying at a friends loft in Chicago I was up really early and on the computer and heard this skittering across the wood floor. It was a millipede the size of my hand. And not one of those 8 cats got up to see about it. I just let it disappear into a crack into the floor because I was frozen to my chair. It makes me shudder and wave my hands around just thinking about it.

Xanthophyllippa

@Betsy Murgatroyd HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKAY I will not be sleeping tonight.

Errin Julkunen Pedersen@facebook

my completely rational fear of snakes (and small rodents, for that matter) is that they will make their way up my pant leg and into my vagina. i am completely terrified of this, and it gives me anxiety to even type about it.

in related news, we had a little garter snake living outside our house that has been giving me nightly panic attacks. solutions have included: never taking the toddler outside, getting dogs, getting chickens, or the true solution, which came to fruition last night: my husband chopping its head off with a shovel. go ahead and hate on me, it was one of the manliest, handsomest things he has ever done on my behalf.

dtowngirl

@Errin Julkunen Pedersen@facebook I have the same fear about spiders!

oh well never mind

@Errin Julkunen Pedersen@facebook Freuuuud!

Spooky Behaviour

@Errin Julkunen Pedersen@facebook I think my snake-phobia can be partially traced back to a late-night anime show I saw *briefly* on Teletoon when I was about 11: A monster was raping a woman and then somehow got a snake to slither into her vagina. It was horrible and traumatic. *deep shudder*

Better to Eat You With

@Errin Julkunen Pedersen@facebook Kiss the Girls? Totally ruined Westley from The Princess Bride for me, and I didn't even watch the whole damn thing. (And I think the somehow involved milk, somehow.)

dtowngirl

I feel pretty neutral about snakes. As long as they stay out of my business, they're fine. Spiders on the other hand...I kill them with a baseball bat. Or a bazooka. Or fire.

dale

The drawings here really make this. So good!
I don't mind snakes, so long as we keep our distance from each other. My g/f likes to find & pick up little garter snakes when we're out hiking, and then she wants to hand them to me, and there is just. no. way.

TheDragon

@dale
I have been know to do this. Also to examine scat in detail to determine from which animal it came from...

TheDragon

My Aunt (Mom's Brother's Wife, not Mom's sister) had an abusive father and truly horrible brothers growing up, and they would put live snakes in between the sheets on her bed. Needless to say, she's a little messed up about snakes. My cousin and I made beaded "snake" art work in summer camp, and her dad told her that she couldn't show hers to her mom. She said, "I already did. I told her it was a worm"

Xanthophyllippa

@The Kendragon HA! When I was little, my mom found me bent over a crack in the sidewalk, peering at something. She came over to see what I was looking at and I said, "Look, Mommy, a woom!" (because I could not say "worm"). She bent down a little further and saw a garter snake peering right back at us.

Verity

I think I have mentioned this before on here: when I was about eight or nine I went to a local wildlife park which had a special thing going on where people could hold snakes and various other things (tarantulas, cockroaches etc). I was sitting with a snake on my lap when it suddenly bit me. I didn't want to do anything to make it crosser, so I just sat there quietly until a staff member walked past, noticed the snake had its teeth in a small child's finger, and prised its jaws open to get it off me. And then I wanted to prove I wasn't scared of snakes, so I had the company who ran the event come to my house for my next birthday party. WHY.

laurel

@Verity God, little girls are so weird! And great! But weird!

Barry Grant

You do realize that snakes are beloved by the goddess don't you?

http://www.google.com/search?q=minoan+snake+goddess+statue&hl=en&safe=active&prmd=imvns&source=lnms&tbm=isch&ei=O3SgT9SPOa7OiALcs9jSAg&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&ved=0CBkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1104&bih=1075

But yeah, they freak me out too if I come upon them unexpectedly.

EpWs

@Barry Grant Who expects snakes? No one, if you are not in the snake exhibit. They are the Spanish Inquisition of reptiles.

Barry Grant

@Barry Grant Apparently I'm not very good at this whole "Internet" thing ...

Inkling

I was picking up big rocks to line my garden bed, and one in my yard has two snakes living under it! Ahhhh they are so cute and I like to think they sunbathe together on the garden rocks when I'm at school :)

TheDragon

The only snakes I have MASSIVE problems with are the pythons that people release in Florida. They are wreaking HAVOC on the ecosystem.
They even eat alligators! Which leads to the craziest thing ever.
Alligators can survive for several MINUTES after their heart stops beating. (They stay all limp and dead looking, but they come back.) So a python will constrict a gator, think it's dead, and start to eat it. The alligator will eventually wake up, either right after being eaten or while being eaten, and bust it's way free from inside the snake. (Both usually end up dying)

ImASadGiraffe

You could also get the Honey badger to eat the snake. Honey badger don't care, Honey badger just smacks the shit out of it.

gadfly

A little late to the party here, but this summer a four footer of a rat snake made itself at home in my house. In urban Houston Texas. I finally saw it - FREAKY - and shooed it outside with a broom.

Later my cleaining lady FOUND A SKIN the snake had shed. Also, about six weeks later I STARTED TO FIND BABY SNAKES ALL UP IN MY HOUSE.

I am not afraid of snakes in general, but in my house? No way. I did hire some sort of critten guy who plugged up some outside holes. And a spot where a tile had come loose in my bathroom. No more baby snakes.

pama

, I take great moral offence to the idea that Joss Stone's version of 'Fell in Love with a Girl' was superior.obat herbal kolesterol

pama

Joss Stone's version of 'Fell in Love with a Girl' was seagrass furniture

www.bulksmsbase.com

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