Aphrodite, Goddess of Love and Desire: "They never stopped fornicating."
Apollo, God of the Sun and Music: "Mamma Mia!"
Ares, God of War: "I've been traveling."
Athena, Goddess of Wisdom: "I'm a scapegoat! Talk to Zeus."
Demeter, Goddess of Agriculture: "Greek yogurt. Any other stupid questions?"
Dionysus, God of Wine: "I admit it, we've been drinking Manischewitz."
Hades, King of the Underworld and God of Hidden Wealth on Earth: "Hidden wealth in Greece?"
Hephaestus, Crippled God of Fire: "Burn it! Burn it!"
Hera, Queen of Marriage and Empires: "That's heracy! Hera-cy."
Hermes, God of Travel: "It's been rough since the Hercules boom."
Hestia, Goddess of the Home and Cooking: "Can I take credit for Greek yogurt?"
Poseidon, God of the Sea and Creator of Horses: "I just like horses, okay?"
Zeus, King of the Gods: "Did you talk to Athena?"
E.A. Weiss is a writer in New York. Follow him around.