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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

330

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do With Dignity

Six months ago, I wouldn’t have said I thought my life was awesome. I was definitely thinking it, but I would never have said it. That would have made me sound like an asshole. I had a sweet job, I was living in a ridiculous apartment, and I was sharing it with the boyfriend of four years I thought I was going to marry. Then ... stuff got less awesome. Six months shy of my thirtieth birthday, our relationship ended abruptly, I had to move out of his (ahem, his parents’) apartment, and I still had my sweet job, but he worked there too, making it slightly less sweet on a day-to-day basis. I was sad and I was jarred. It felt like that party in college when I was dancing with a guy and the girlfriend I didn’t know existed threw a beer can at my head. Not only did it hurt, but I looked really, really stupid.

I was ashamed that I hadn’t seen it coming, but I was also ashamed that the breakup turned me into what I most feared: a cliche. A lonely heart approaching thirty, just a wine spritzer and a skirt tucked into my nylons away from rom-com heroine status. Slowly, though, I began to realize something, cliches are cliches because a lot of people find them to be true. During my earlier twenties, I’d watched in horror and pity as many of my older girlfriends ended relationships on the cusp of that numerical milestone. I know I keep dwelling on thirty, but don’t try to tell me thirty is nothing. Thirty is still a big deal! People may say thirty is the new twenty, but those people are all over thirty.

After three paltry months of being single, I’d like to posit a theory. Cliches should be treated homeopathically, with more cliches. Dealing with a break-up should be cliche jiu jitsu. It should be like hydroplaning, for those of us who didn’t grow up in New York and actually learned to drive. Rather than slamming on the brakes to avoid crashing into the image of yourself twenty years from now with a mustache and a child’s barrette pinning back your wiry gray hair, just let that car coast. Lean into everything that you think is going to make you the lame recently single girl you don’t want to be, and this my friend, this will set you free. Here’s what I mean: 

Cliche number one: Everyone knows what the cashier at the liquor store is thinking as you pay for that cheap bottle of Merlot in your exercise clothes. He’s thinking you’re going home to get drunk alone because you can’t handle your feelings. I say, drink alone for as long as it takes! Why? Because it will help you sleep! Unless you have a sweet pharmacology hookup, it’s going to be sad in bed, with all that quiet and dark and hours and hours to think about how everything’s going to be different than what you imagined. Even if that body next to you used to seem like a really heavy camping backpack you weren’t particularly looking forward to getting scoliosis for, you’d worn it close, passed off some of your body heat. It was part of you, so it’s natural to mourn not only it, but at least a couple of degrees celsius of you that “it” made off with. And don’t just drink alone, drink around people! You’ll probably say a lot of embarrassing shit, but you’ll also figure out who your true friends are. They’re the ones who didn’t ditch you at the bar when you were talking to a support beam you thought was a person. And if you're worried about becoming an alcoholic, let me assure you: if you’re really meant to be an alcoholic, it’s going to happen anyway. Live it up while you can!

Cliche number two: When you see a grown woman with cat hair all over her work clothes, you can’t help but imagine her cracking open a fresh can of Friskies in her studio apartment, squirrelling away a few quarters change from the purchase to put toward a singles' cruise to Jamaica. And you know when she finally makes it to Jamaica, the first thing she’s gonna do is get cornrows. Screw it, get a pet! Preferably a cat. Yes, you will become the crazy cat lady. Who cares? If you’re more of a dog person, get that cat a leash and walk it around like a dog. Just don’t get a dog. You’re very vulnerable right now, and dogs are a BIG responsibility. Yes, you will discover the seedy underbelly of fellow cat women at work who constantly group-email pictures of cats in human wigs, but ... they won’t seem seedy anymore! They’ll be your people! Know why? Because they have known something you are only just beginning to understand: animals love you, with uncomplicated, unfaltering joy. And you deserve to be reminded that you are worthy of that kind of love, no matter how many times you checked your ex-boyfriend’s text messages and then yelled at him while pretending you’d done nothing wrong by violating his privacy. If a cat seems like too much, get a snake. If a snake is too much, get a fish. But if you kill that fish, give up. You don’t deserve to be loved.

Cliche number three: When someone posts on Facebook all the time, it’s because they don’t have any real friends to call, text, or actually meet up with in person. Post on Facebook ALL THE TIME. I know you used to think the people who did that seemed so pathetic and lonely. Guess what, you’re lonely! You won’t be forever, but the person you used to spend all your time with isn’t there anymore. So even though they're very small, those stupid “likes” — or better yet “comments” — people post when you put up that picture of you hugging a cute dog? They’ll make you feel like someone in the universe SEES you. It’s okay to want to be seen, just as long as you don’t do it forever, I mean those people who constantly post on Facebook are fucking losers, am I right? But seriously, loneliness isn’t the most humiliating of all emotions. Being desperate is. And you’ll be that to. Which brings me to...

Cliche number four: When you see a recently single friend making out with some stranger in the middle of a bar, you never think she’s doing it because she wants to, you think she’s doing it because she’s sad. Who cares? Throw yourself into the arms of the next available taker. Can’t you both want to *and* be sad? You're going to be in pain regardless, so why deny yourself a welcome distraction? You may think you need time before getting physical with new people. Your friends might even say, ‘you’re damaged goods, you’re all fucked up, you need to heal.’ They are right. But what they don’t understand is that you’re treating a hemorrhaging heart wound, not high cholesterol. I promise, you will get to the point where you’ll get sick of going out every night, where you’ll actually opt to stay home and write down your thoughts on your own current crisis, you’ll start going to the gym again and eating when people don’t force a plate of fries in front of you. But until then, let people be as kind as they want to be. With their tongues. In your mouth, pervert. If you wanna go further, it’s your life. But since you’ve already got a lot to deal with, I recommend making decisions you’ll only mildly regret.

And finally, cliche number five: broken, damaged people always want to give you advice on how to live your life in order to reassure themselves that they’ve gotten past being broken and damaged. So give LOTS of advice. Tell your friends to break up with their shitty boyfriends, tell them they shouldn’t get married without living alone at least once, hell, write a whole piece for a website about how to get over the thing you’re still trying to get over. Breaking up is kind of like food poisoning. You feel terrible, you puke, and then you feel a little better. Getting your feelings out is the puking part, which is all advice is, really, just not quite so smelly. And if it helps someone in the process, well that would be pretty cliche, wouldn’t it?

Hallie Haglund is a writer at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. But she writes other stuff too.



330 Comments / Post A Comment

Nutmeg

this is relevant to my interests :(

Bro-lo El Cunado

@Nutmeg Ugh. Mine too. We just cut off contact again after 3 weeks of talking. It's like a mini-breakup and I'm back to feeling blue.

beams!

@Nutmeg me too, but don't worry, summer's coming!

Emma Peel

@Bro-lo El Cunado I've done that four times in the last six months. It's the worst. The good thing is: every time you bounce back a little faster.

iceberg

@Bro-lo El Cunado You've got to go cold turkey!

Bro-lo El Cunado

@iceberg I know! I knew better! But oh so hard to resist...

iceberg

@Bro-lo El Cunado Like a band-aid - right off!

annaphallactic

@Bro-lo El Cunado I had to cut off contact with my ex permanently. He was overposting on my Facebook wall like he was pissing on his territory (I had just started dating someone else), and when I'd see him he'd treat me like I was the pathetic one for leaving him. FTS. Not worth it. It's been almost two years, I'm now engaged to the dude I'd started dating after the breakup, and I still can't be fucked to reintroduce ex's domineering bullshit into my life.

the angry little raincloud

@Nutmeg Extremely relevant. I'm a pathetic cliche wrapped within a stereotype wrapped within a, well, whatever. I would like to make-out inappropriately with random young men at a karaoke bar soon. Who's with me!?!?

LolaLooksFrench

@the angry little raincloud I'm in like Flynn.

the angry little raincloud

@LolaLooksFrench That Karaoke Killed the Kat thing on Friday? For reals? (I'm serious.)

LolaLooksFrench

@the angry little raincloud If you caught me 2 years ago, I would have lived 2 blocks from there. Then I ran out of money and had to leave Brooklyn.

mattewmc

is so perfect.@t

branza

Step 6: apply this advice to all situations in your life that suck, forever.

Amphora

@branza Makes me feel better about going to CVS late last night, buying a bottle of wine, and drinking it alone...

sugar cubism

@Amphora Your CVS sells wine? Lucky.
Having a night that leaves you needing to get some CVS wine? Hugtown.

Amphora

@sugar cubism I know, Chicago liquor laws are pretty lax. I can buy tequila at the drugstore at 9am on a Sunday.

To be fair, I wasn't totally alone - my cat was there.

sarah girl

@Amphora You took your cat to CVS?!

iwearaFEZnow

@branza There is liquor everywhere in Chicago. My brain can't handle it. Stupid Puritan-founded East-Coast ways!

Amphora

@Sarah H. Hahah! Clarification: he was there when I DRANK the wine.

Lemonnier

Well, this article makes it pretty clear that 20-something is the new 13. Good lord.

Woman Laughing Alone With Boas

@Lemonnier I do not feel prepared to recognize that this is relevant to my interests when there is still a whole week until the next time I see my therapist. :(

Lemonnier

@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas My life always seemed to dump unpleasant nonsense on me the day after I saw my therapist, so I would have to wait almost a whole week to talk to her about it! UGH.

purefog

@Lemonnier And, of course, 13 is the new -7!

miwome

@Lemonnier THAT WOULD ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME TOO

Canard

That's where your name is familiar from! Loved your Flop House episode!

hodgmina

@Canard The Flop House! Such a great podcast (and that was a good episode).

chrysopoeia

Oh this is so very timely for me.

Nicole Cliffe

My break-up fantasy is to be awakened in the middle of the night by two pleasant men in suits. 'Nicole,' they say. 'Your relationship is over, please come with us.' They take my phone and laptop, hand me a unitard, and take me to a wilderness camp with a bunch of other dumpees for two months. When I return, everyone has already been briefed on the breakup, I look really healthy and fit and nonchalant, and then my ex is hit by a car.

It's still a work in progress.

Reply » 111
City_Dater

@Nicole Cliffe

I love this.

The only advice dumpees ever need follow, in my opinion, is: "don't forget to eat once in while. Carry a banana with you every day and make sure it is gone by the time you get home."

sarahf

@Nicole Cliffe That was the greatest break-up fantasy I've ever read.

noodge

@Nicole Cliffe does everyone get a different colored unitard, depending on the type of breakup? like, marriage is a green unitard; marriage breakup because of cheating is a red unitard; fiance is a gold unitard, etc?

Nicole Cliffe

I like the way you think! Dumpees given a 'I just don't know who I am, anymore' justification get a camo unitard.

Shaman

@Nicole Cliffe Best. Reality. Show. EVER. Like... First Wives Club meets Rambo

EpWs

@Nicole Cliffe This is an improvement on the breakup bunker.

TheUnchosenOne

@teenie "I love you but I'm not in love with you" gets a magenta unitard. No reason other than that was the last reason I was given and I would have wanted that color at the time.

@Nicole Cliffe This is relevant to my interests.

Killerpants

@Nicole Cliffe Wow. That is inspired. This is now my perfect breakup fantasy as well.

parallel-lines

@teenie replace 'unitard' with 'sweatpants' and YES.

Roxanne Rholes

@parallel-lines Right? If I've just been dumped, I am going to eat my feelings, and then being in a unitard will only make me feel worse. Yoga pants and sweatshirts, please.

Gracefully and Grandly

@Nicole Cliffe I think you should start this as a business. I don't know how exes getting hit by cars fit into a business model but, details.

mayonegg

@City_Dater "Don't forget to eat once in a while" sounds like nice advice, though I feel like "Don't forget to stop eating once in a while" seems more applicable to...some...of...us.

romastrega

@teenie We need stripes! Mine would currently be a combo of red, magenta, etc. Or maybe color blocking?

Heat Signature

@mayonegg Right? I am definitely one of those people who would NEVER forget to eat, and in fact would likely ONLY remember to eat. And eat. And eat. And then eat some more.

noodge

@romastrega one day, someone will arrive with a MESS of a unitard, and everyone is like "SWEET JESUS! what happened?!?!"

KiraShea

@Nicole Cliffe I can't even say how much I love this and all you 'Pinners. You make me proud to be myself.

gtrachel

@Nicole Cliffe Brilliant.

TheDragon

@Nicole Cliffe
What if YOU are the dumper but it still hurts. (like hypothetically your ex is a mentally abusive drug addict who you saw for 5 hours a week while LIVING together, and you just had to get out, but you still love him to bits?)
CAN I PLEASE BE INVITED TO WILDERNESS CAMP???

gobblegirl

@Roxanne Rholes The wilderness camp will have all sorts of fun hikes and swims planned, you'll be fine! Unitards for everyone!

sceps yarx

@gobblegirl I'm breaking up with you because I still haven't gotten over my early-life divorce and associated feelings of shame and failure: navy blue unitard.

I'm breaking up with you because I you told me you want kids soon: sky blue unitard.

I'm breaking up with you because I can't handle moving for your grad school: burgundy unitard.

(I'm picking out some colors for my friends.)

Nicole Cliffe

@The Kendragon Oh, honey, of course. People who fall into the "partner forced your hand through relentless campaign of awfulness" category are always welcome at wilderness camp.

Gordon Bombay

@Nicole Cliffe there are lots of friendship bracelets and hair braiding circles.

TheDragon

@Nicole Cliffe
Good. Cause wilderness camp is right up my alley.

Statham

@Gracefully and Grandly You go out and hire Frank Martin to do it for you.

solaria

@Nicole Cliffe Okay, for "I'm starting to think that your shitty behavior was a tactic to force me into ending this so that you can add it to the list of things you guilt trip me for/oops, looks like you should have taken that ultimatum a little more seriously", I choose electric purple. Or some other kind of pretty, angrey purple.

sevanetta

@teenie I'm afraid that would have been me. My last breakup was a long distance one where the guy was trying to convince me NOT to move back to where I gew up (where he lived). The one before, the guy had convinced me to move to a developing country, then four months into my year long contract, he decided he didn't love me any more and moved back home, leaving me in said developing country on my own.

Anyway, I know we all know it, but this is seriously the best break up scenario EVER. (much better than what usually happens to me, where my exes cite wanting to not be in a relationship as a reason, then marry the next girlfriend after me.)

BKjen

I love this so much.

noodge

you forgot cliche #6: do something that marks you out as a "liberated" woman - like pole-dancing, going to strip clubs, chopping your hair off.

I did the first and third thing there, and it was pretty awesome. and pole-dancing is now something i love so much that i do it weekly, i now have arm muscles, and I dream of doing it competitively.

missedconnections

@teenie Oh god yes change your hair. Dye it. Get those bangs you were thinking about but weren't 100 percent sure on. I cut off eight inches of hair after a break-up. Guess what? I looked adorable.

Also, promise yourself that you are not going to be bitter and petty because you are STRONGER and MORE MATURE than that. Then torch everything he ever gave you/left behind. Or pawn it for more cheap wine!

noodge

@missedconnections yes, BURNING THINGS! In my third post-separation move (about 10 months after we split) I realized I was still moving around my wedding dress?!?! my girlfriend suggested burning it, and we torched it in a barrel in the backyard. it felt awesome.
I had already pawned my rings about 6 months prior.

wee_ramekin

@teenie See now, that is something wedding-dress related that I can get behind! WITH FIRE!

missedconnections

@teenie I once threw a box of letters and pictures into a river. Agree, it felt awesome.

peculiarity

@teenie I was surprised "changing your hair" was not on the list of cliches. It's a time honored tradition among women who have just had a break-up.

My mother is 51 and recently (like a month ago, right after her mother's death) my step father dumped her and they got a divorce. Last weekend I was helping Mom hang pictures and mirrors at her new place and she said out of the blue, "I think I want to do something crazy with my hair like a new style or a weird color."

The cliche is multi-generational. You have to change your hair, it's like the break-up law.

TheUnchosenOne

@teenie I feel like the "change your hair" bit also applies to dudes. I had long hair a few years ago and buzzed it all the way down a couple days after a break-up.

iceberg

@teenie Post-breakup haircut = the BEST.

eiffeldesigns

@teenie OH! I need to do something with my stupid wedding dress. This is a contender. I sold my engagement ring to pay for my divorce lawyer. Sad.

noodge

@Kirs something about burning it was reaaaaaaly purifying. i highly recommend it :-)

Bro-lo El Cunado

@iceberg My new hairstyle/color may be the best thing to come out of my breakup. Like, seriously. I love it.

elizabeast

@teenie I'm such a fan of burning things post breakup. I was kind of annoyed that my ex and I had a rich digital life that left me with very few things to burn. His favorite tshirt though? Burned that shit. After I cleaned the toilet with it (that may or may not have been inspired by Singles).

TheDragon

@Bro-lo El Cunado And then you get to waltz by the ex looking better than you ever did with him, and think secretly "Suck it."

Bro-lo El Cunado

@The Kendragon This. I've also lost 20 pounds while he's puffy from drinking and getting stoned and not exercising. In many ways, I'm winning.

wharrgarbl

@peculiarity I'm guessing it's because you're generally at least partially consulting your partner's preferences about how you're styling/coloring/shaping your hair. And also you have someone to talk you down when you come home from your stock-brokering job with a bottle of manic panic and the opinion that you'd look rocking with sapphire blue hair.

purefog

@missedconnections Awesome, but. . .littering.

Snicker-snack!

@teenie Yep. I died my hair bright red, got a tattoo, and promptly started dating one of his friends. I also lost a lot of weight because I couldn't figure out how to feed myself, but, damn, I looked hot.

Jen Alien-Spouse@twitter

@teenie

My Mum burnt her wedding dress - but she did it as she was moving the last of her things out of the house, and made sure there was just enough left of it to be identifiable in the ashes.

Yeah, you could say that wasn't the easist of divorces.

I have heard of Valentine's dances for bitter singles, where the high-light of the evening was the destruction of the momentoes. I particularly loved the sound of the dry ice method, where things were doused in liquid nitrogen and then smashed with a hammer.

EpWs

@Kirs This is one time when the "Set It On Fire (TM)" approach is not only a great idea, but also TOTALLY LEGAL (as opposed to "Set Him On Fire" which is rarely legal).

sandwiches

@teenie Also getting a really stupid tattoo. ...I wish I were posting this for a friend. *bangs head on desk*

Sietske@twitter

@sandwiches Well, what did you get?

sandwiches

@Sietske@twitter Tragically and to my continuing shame, a line from the Tao Te Ching in a serif font on my previously un-besmirched hip. In my defense, it was my first long-term, "real" relationship, out of which I got dumped two weeks before my birthday: a culturally appropriative tattoo and a month of ingesting nothing but bananas and beer is probably a pretty mild amount of fuck-up-ery in response. Right? Right?

...I'll show myself out.

Peanut

@sandwiches No, child. Stay. You are among your people now.

sandwiches

@Peanut Haha. *hugging everyone in this bar*

Myrtle

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher You guys remember that this is how "Burning Man" got started-?

slutberry

@TheUnchosenOne I would be so sad if the Gentleman cut his hair because we broke up (I would also be sad because we broke up). He has had his hair long for 16 years (AND SOME OF THOSE YEARS HE HAD A MULLET HAHAHAHAHHAHAA)

Dirty Hands

This is JUST WHAT I NEEDED, thank you. I will lean into every cliche I find.

britishpetroleum

I mostly agree with going with the flow of your break-up. But while turning 30 is a big deal, I don't think it has to be a tragic big deal. I tried to look at it with a positive attitude (which is not my default setting, by any means), and it wound up being wonderful. It's like I summoned a good birthday with my Secret (TM) mental powers. And when everything is still kind of shitty and not what you expected in your thirties, you can always claim late-bloomer status. It's a powerful salve.

H.E. Ladypants

@britishpetroleum So much of my twenties were awful. There was so much loss and fear and sadness. There were many good things and a few great things in there, too, but I have spent the last two years saying that I can't wait until I'm 30. I can't wait to have a new decade. It feels like a turning point and a chance to start fresh.

I turn 30 this month and I am throwing the biggest party I can possibly imagine. Being 30 will be awesome.

SarahP

@H.E. Ladypants I'm excited for when I turn 30, too! But I'm 26, so I have a little while longer to plan a big party.

britishpetroleum

@H.E. Ladypants Me too...I didn't have a particularly hard time in high school, so I was probably due for some struggles in my twenties. And I'm not normally this person, but it's all about your mindset. I was living with my parents without the whole career thing figured out (still haven't really figured that out), not dating or in a serious relationship, and had experienced some serious setbacks. So it's not like I was happy because everything was magically perfect. I dunno...maybe it had to do with having a clearly delineated fresh start.

kella

@britishpetroleum I went the positive-attitude route as well, and it really helped at the time. I am almost 32; the breakup was almost exactly 2 years ago. He was a cliche too: married within 6 months of our 7-year relationship being over. Last week I died my hair pink. Still single, still winning!

kella

@kella ETA: I can't believe I forgot this part: After the breakup, my sister and her cat moved in! Best roommates ever.

themegnapkin

@britishpetroleum I don't think turning 30 is even a big deal? I went out for dinner and drinks the night before my birthday, and as midnight approached, I thought I would feel different. . . but I didn't. At 12:00, the bartender carded me, I drank a beer with my friend, and we toasted the upcoming year, because chances are it would be better than 29. If anything, 30 was only relevant to me because it was around when I realized that nobody ever figures anything out (you think you'll know everything by 30, right? You'll finally be settled in your life/career/whatever? Nope!!!!), and that setting goals to be achieved by arbitrary ages is ridiculous.

britishpetroleum

@themegnapkin I don't think it's a big deal, either. I guess with every year of my twenties passing, I felt more and more anxiety about it. Birthdays were a thing to dread, especially the extra attention. And with 30, I decided just to say fuck it, have some fun, and enjoy the fact that other people wanted to celebrate me.

britishpetroleum

@kella I'm so, so envious of your pink hair. Always wanted to do that, but my hair is so dark, I would have to bleach the life out of it. You are clearly winning. But I do have noticeable highlights!

Speaking of cake, I have cake

@britishpetroleum Sorry to semi-change the subject, but has anyone ever met/been the woman who marries the guy who's just out of a reeeallly long relationship that went nowhere? I'm genuinely curious about them, as I've only encountered (among my peers anyway) the ex from the long relationship whose time was wasted for years - I've never met the Megan Draper in these situations, at least not to my knowledge. Would be interesting to hear their take!

Hello Dolly

@themegnapkin THIS, a million times. Age is just a number, how many times you've ridden the planet around the sun. 30 isn't even halfway through, when you think about the average life span. I had a bowling party for my 30th (because I revel in my dorkery) and didn't feel any different. It was probably one of the best birthdays I've had.

Kate Kane

@themegnapkin Yeah, the closer I got to 30, the more I realized it wasn't going to be some big, life-changing milestone. #34 is this year and I plan to have an "Older Than Jesus" party, but that's about as near to big deal town I think my 30s will be.

madge

@Speaking of cake, I have cake huh. i never thought about this, but i am totally the megan draper in my relationship.

my man was married to someone else for like 9 years, he moved here from abroad to be with her, and i knew her already, so i met him, too. and years later they broke up and we got together almost immediately after.

mostly i thank this previous wife because she brought this wonderful man into my orbit and helped him learn enough about what he wanted that he ended up with me. it's all good. :)

sevanetta

@britishpetroleum and H.E. Ladypants: THIS WAS ME! The latter half of my twenties sucked so much that I spent the last 3 years of it saying 'I can't wait to be 30 and to start my 30s, it HAS to kick the arse of being 27/28/29'. So I summoned magical birthday luck, had a fabulous time visiting friends for my 30th and feeling super loved. I had moved back to where I grew up (which I wanted to do, it's a beautiful subtropical area), changed jobs, and lots of things were really good. Then, a month after my birthday (in January this year), after I had given up on finding anyone (single for 3 years) including through stupid online dating, I met the most wonderful man (through stupid online dating). It's early days of course, but he is brilliant.

So step forward bravely through that 30th birthday, friends!!! 30s KICKS THE ARSE OF 20s!!!

Craving Brownies

@sevanetta you are giving me some hope. 27 & 28 sucked and now 29 is completely a mess. On the positive, my husband and I miraculuosly survived the near-divorce year and now we're doing okay in our relationship, just horribly confused careerwise and what we want in life.

sevanetta

@Craving Brownies You guys can do it! I've done the career change too. Seriously, 27, worst breakup ever, 28, writing a Masters thesis while working fulltime then getting dumped again at the end of the year just when I had handed thesis in and thought life was improving, 29, scored new job and moved back to where I grew up, took up online dating again in a huge way, then scaled back my efforts because I decided I was actually happier being single and not bothering to date all the horrible men I managed to find online... it's actually more complicated than that but that will do. anyway. part of doing what you want to do is working out what you do NOT want to do. maybe you guys can both meditate on that? anyway, big hugs from me and reassurance that you will make it past your late twenties, truly the worst part of your life that no one tells you about (people are happy to bitch about other life stages like having kids, getting old, divorce, health problems etc but absolutely NO ONE warns you that things just turn to shit in your late 20s). The thirties, my friend. The thirties are where it's at.

Lily Rowan

You can't get over someone without getting under somebody else, am I right, ladies??

Nicole Cliffe

@Lily Rowan 'An Inconvenient Truth: The Sequel.'

wee_ramekin

@Nicole Cliffe So...so Gore gets under...a new planet?

DH@twitter

@wee_ramekin

He's like the opposite of Galactus. Instead of eating planets...he eats planets.

/terrible joke

Lily Rowan

Y'all funny.

iceberg

@Lily Rowan I know you're joking kind of but honestly what really helped me to get over an asshole ex was making out with a completely unsuitable rebound boy. I shouldn't have dated him for the next few weeks but for the first time I ended things with the dude instead of the other way round, a "relationship" was over and I didn't crumble to bits... It was really good for me. So I think rebound flings are actually great.

Lily Rowan

@iceberg Oh yeah, definitely only joking in the phrasing.

Slapfight

@Lily Rowan Spite sex is one of my favorite kinds.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@Lily Rowan And for reals though, all joking aside, this was actually THE thing that got me over my huge traumatic breakup at the end of college. Nothing else worked. Getting out there and meeting other dudes gave me a new lease on life and a newfound confidence that I never knew I could have - taking time alone to heal turned out to be very, verrrrrry overrated.

the angry little raincloud

@Lily Rowan Oh, sweet Jesus yes. And, really, anyone? Inappropriate making out with inappropriate young men at karaoke bars. Anyone????
Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I have no shame and will happily be at Sing Sing by myself with a Sapporo. Or twelve.

TulipBubble

@the angry little raincloud Haha funnily enough, I (newly in your sad, sad, miserable shoes) was actually flirting with an inappropriately young man at Sing Sing on Saturday night. It was helping until someone started singing a particularly memory-inducing song and I had to go in the bathroom and cry.

the angry little raincloud

@TulipBubble What is it about Sing Sing that leads to such things!?! But the crying is bad. I'm sorry. I tend to have a very strict hairband/cheesy 80s/punk rule when it comes to picking karaoke songs, as I don't want to be the person triggering bad relationship memories.

Anyway. Uh-hum. If anyone wants to get me drunk (OK. Fine. You just have to be in my presence when I'm drunk, and egg me on), I can tell a sordid tale of me and a 24 year-old hedge fund dude. Guess what? I wasn't 24 (more than a decade over that, in fact, when this happened). There's a fabulous twist involving a man in a suit on a bike as well.

God, I love karaoke.

TulipBubble

@the angry little raincloud hahaha Sing Sing brings out a lot of emotions. And I'm embarrassed to admit that the song in question was not actually a love ballad but rather 'We Built This City'...

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

I drank by myself on Monday and totally loved it, because I was behind on my "Lost Girl" episodes on the Syfy channel and caught up. It was a delight.

Megasus

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose The werewolf dude whose name I can't remember right now was not nearly naked enough this season, am I right?

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Megano! Dyson! I'm actually more of the Dr.-Hotpants-Lauren-isn't-naked-enough persuasion myself, but I have to respect Dyson's musculature.

alexah

I'm so sick of people in their 20's whining because they're almost 30 and they're aren't like Hillary Clinton or some shit. Just wait until you are 2 months shy of your 35th birthday, unemployed, had to move back in with your parents, some skeevy dude you dated because now you are in your mid-30's and you better jump on whatever you can get has given you herpes. Then you can whine about giving in to all the sad cliches. Until that happens, you still sound like an asshole.

wee_ramekin

@alexah Meh. I think anyone blundering around in the midst of a break-up of a four year relationship has the right to lean into as many clichés as she wants to. What really makes someone sound like an asshole is tearing down other people when they talk about how they're coping with emotional pain, amirite?!

alexah

@wee_ramekin I'm not trying to break anybody down. Break ups are hard no matter what. There's just a lot worse things that can happen than still being single by the time you hit 30. That's the part I take issue with.

avocadoamp

@alexah Yeah! Like CANCER or DYING or being held wrongfully without trial in Guantanamo. You mean those kinds of things, right?

Lemonnier

@alexah Hey, I was just surprised to discover that "turning thirty and not being partnered is a terrible thing for a woman and all such women are pitiable" apparently *isn't* sexist bullshit. NOW I KNOW.

DickensianCat

@Lemonnier Also, do you have cat hair on your clothes? GOD HELP YOU if there is any cat hair, woman. ME judging YOU with a splash of side-eye: it's so on.

iceberg

@Lemonnier I think reaching a major life milestone and not being partnered with the partner you expected to be partnered with forever can probably knock people for a loop regardless of gender? And *some* cliches in this regard might just turn out to be helpful coping strategies.

Lemonnier

@DickensianCat CAT LADY SPINSTER JOKES ARE SO FRESH AND ORIGINAL

themmases

@Lemonnier And so now being mean to someone who mentioned the sexist bullshit because she herself feels sad about it is our awesome new recruiting strategy! I'll alert hivemind HQ.

Lemonnier

@iceberg Sure, but 30 is not a major life milestone for *everyone,* and regarding unpartnered over-30 ladies with "pity and horror" is more than a little offensive and sexist.

Lemonnier

@themmases I feel sad about sexist nonsense, so I get a pass for perpetuating it? That doesn't make sense. Unless this was written far more tongue-in-cheek than I thought?

Killer Kitties

@alexah An awful coworker of mine once told me she wanted to kill herself before she ever turned 30. I told her my best friend, who didn't make it to 25, would GLADLY TRADE PLACES WITH HER.

Oh, squiggles

Pain is pain, and I feel sympathy for everyone who is feeling it right now! Sometimes lashing out is a symptom of that, so if anyone is feeling some hard times in their life, here is a kind thought for you!

Slapfight

@wee_ramekin I agree, though the writer is tearing down single over 30 women with cats. I'm sorry she's going through a breakup. So am I. The judgemental tone of this piece surprised me quite a bit.
Sometimes I forget that I'm a walking punchline.
Obviously this is not directed at you, Wee Ramz, but I can see why some people are taking issue with this piece.

Slapfight

@Slapfight But maybe I'm misunderstanding the tone of the piece. In fact, I probably am.

NeenerNeener

@Lemonnier
I don't think it's about perpetuating it. One day, close to thirty, I was in Walgreen's, recently out of an eight-year relationship, and I looked in my basket and there was cat food, hair dye, and tampons. And I laughed at the situation I found myself in, not because I actually thought I was pathetic, but because here I was, this walking stereotype. I could laugh about it because I was secure enough to know that wasn't all I was, despite the sexist judgment someone could make just by looking into my shopping basket.

Slapfight

@NeenerNeener I dig this.

wee_ramekin

@Slapfight Huh. I am legitimately surprised by the backlash directed at this article. It seemed to me that the author was taking on each one of these clichés and saying "Yeah?! So?! So fucking WHAT if I am a single lady over 30 with cats? So what! So what if I make out with a stranger? Who cares?! These aren't bad things! Do you realize how dumb you are for thinking that those things are bad?".

I read the article as the author taking on each of the beliefs that she might have ascribed to prior to her break-up and realizing that those judgments are the judgments of assholes who lack perspective (as, I suppose, an asshole would. After all, they are sandwiched between two butt-cheeks!).

iceberg

@wee_ramekin this is how I read it too.

Slapfight

@wee_ramekin yeah, having looked back I realized it's probably intended to be interpreted that way. Especially since she writes for the Daily Show. I know I got annoyed by something up top and read the rest expecting to be irritated by the rest. I could be sore as I'm over 30 and just gone through a breakup. ;) And I'm not a cat lady! I'm an animal hoarder!

DickensianCat

@wee_ramekin I think it's about tone. To me, the implication of the piece is that when you do these utterly mundane things like buying wine in sweats and pick cat hair off your clothing, people are fine-tooth-combing you with their eyes, making assumptions, and judging you for them when in reality, nobody gives a fuck. It sounds kind of mean, but one of the best things my dad ever told me when I whined about what people might think about a choice I made was "you're way too self-centered." And it's true. 9 times of out 10, people are so wrapped up in their own insecurities and hardships that it wouldn't even begin to occur to them to judge you for stupid shit like this, and on the off chance that they are? Their problems are much bigger than your own.

@Slapfight I think it's mostly the cliche of single older women with cats -- that they're sad, that they're lonely, that they're "cat ladies." She's not actually talking about older women who own cats, but the social stigma around being seen as one (not being one, being perceived as a "cat lady") and saying "fuck that noise. If I want a cat, and I want to be one of those women, judge me all you want. I WILL JOIN THEIR RANKS."

Signed, chick who has gone to work covered in cat hair. Ew..?

Slapfight

@S. Elizabeth Ha! When I get home I immediately change into pj's so NO ONE KNOWS HOW MUCH CAT HAIR ACTUALLY COVERS ME.

alexah

@wee_ramekin It seemed to me that she was more upset at the idea of turning 30 and still being single than losing the person she was in love with. That the worst thing that could happen was to be 30 and still be single. 30 comes, you deal with it and then life keeps going on. But I like your take on the cliches. like @slapfight, I got annoyed by something up top and wasn't really interested in the rest of the article.

wee_ramekin

@Slapfight Girl, can we talk about how much I covet your hair (from your userpic)?

Coooooooovet. Co-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-vet. It is the Precious of Hairs, and I am the Gollum of Styles.

Slapfight

@wee_ramekin Ha! Thanksss you! I got lazy and it's the lowest maintenece ever.

wee_ramekin

@Slapfight Hmmmm. Did I scare you off with my covetousness? Because now instead of a swoopy-bangs short haircut as your userpic, I see a picture of Angela Lansbury. As much as I <3 Mrs. Potts, there is nothing about her style that I covet.

Mingus_Thurber

@Slapfight Eh, don't worry about it. I was a single lady with cats at 35 (thus a punchline); now I am a single lady of 42 with cats *and the person everybody else wants to be (or be around).* Seriously: cat hair everywhere, yes, but also fantastic glasses, a crowd of really nice, really smart, really funny friends, enough time to hang out for hours, a job that pays well and gives me random days off, good relationships with my family folks, and good clothes. Plus, I can cook.

Strangely, I recently ended up with an LD boyfriend too, which is perfect. As long as he's 600 miles away, I can't get sick of him, and I can still have people over for dinner every night if I want.

Pathetic Cat Lady Cliche segues into Fabulous, Hip Woman With Enviable Vests Who Looks Younger Than She Is in no time at all.

rocknrollunicorn

@wee_ramekin I'd agree with you normally, but I feel like there is a lot of shitty judgement going on in this post. I get that she's in pain, but in her world, it seemingly takes a devastating break-up to: drink wine alone after working out, own a cat, or drunkenly make out in a bar.

Basically, the tone of much of this piece unexpectedly offended me, so I get where alexah is coming from. The author makes it sound like all of this behavior is only acceptable because of her dire situation. And I usually enjoy tongue-in-cheek takes on sexist bullshit, too. (Also I have neither a cat nor a break-up, so I'm not all butthurt or anything.)

Dr Clownius

@wee_ramekin hahaha, i only ever saw the angela lansbury, and i was very confused for a minute.

Slapfight

@wee_ramekin Ha! No, not at all. I had changed it right before you complimented me but it hadn't shown up on the site yet. What's odd is that it's still my old picture on my home computer.
@Mingus_Thurber Our lives sound quite similar. :) I have no complaints. Upon first read it just seemed very "shut up you lame single over 30 harpies" which is very un-Hairpinesque. But then I read it all in a more satirical tone and thought it made more sense.
@Dr Clownius J.B. Fletcher has a wonderful head of spun caramelized sugar.

Opos

Who knew 5 1/2 years wouldn't heal in a few months? Everyone? Of course I'm asking, "Why do I still want to drink wine alone most nights? Why do I suddenly want a cat? Why do I keep saying stupid things when I actually get out and drink with other people?" I've been working on making the answer "Whatever, I'm doing it anyway". Internet posts affirming the message that taking care of yourself however feels right are helpful. Screw dignity (for now).

noodge

@Opos i tell ya what, i've found some of the best friends i've ever known during my least dignified moments. people who see all of you, even the embarrassing parts, and still think you're fucking awesome, will be with you forever.

sox
sox

I would disagree that saying your life is awesome makes you sound like an asshole. You can say it in a way that does make you sound like one, but you can also just own it.
That said, minus having a job like writing for the god damn Jon Stewart Show, this was basically me at 29, and I have been literally all of these cliches. Last year I even threw on a fleece and realized I didn't give f*ck that it was covered in cat hair. (Not sure if that was a low point or a high point, but...)

Loz
Loz

This is wonderfully written.

Scandyhoovian

Something about the whole "just do it because people are gonna assume you are doing it anyway" attitude rubs me the wrong way.

SarahP

@Scandyhoovian I didn't mind most of it, but the bit about being an alcoholic definitely rubbed me the wrong way.

Lily Rowan

@SarahP I can see the jocular phrasing being off-putting, but it was hugely revelatory to me to realize that I could buy a bottle of wine for myself at home and that was OK, because the action itself is not a problem, because I am not a problem drinker.

And self-medicating with a glass of wine is way cheaper and lower-impact (FOR ME) than therapy and/or psych drugs, when dealing with short-term issues.

sox
sox

@Scandyhoovian I'm taking issue with the 'you aren't worthy of love of love if the fish dies' part, myself. (so many fish died when was growing up. so. many.)

Oh, squiggles

@sox Fish are so hard to take care of! They die for completely indiscernible reasons!

Scandyhoovian

@Awesomely Nonfunctional Oh my lord, fish. My family got a few goldfish once (maybe 10 years ago?) and they were great and wonderful until one day one of them like, snapped and started freaking eating the other ones. THEIR TAILS. THEIR POOR RAGGED LITTLE TAILS. We tried to separate the crazy cannibal fish from the others but it was too late, the others died of shock and the little fucker that did it all smugly owned that tank all on his own until he died a year later.

Then, instead of more fish, we bought a dog instead.

TheDragon

@all
I work at a pet store. Only wizards can keep fish alive.

Inkling

@Awesomely Nonfunctional
They don't just die if you do your research before you get one, just like you would any other pet. It kills me, people who complain about fish dying and know nothing about them, keeping goldfish in bowls or some bullshit.
The only difference between a fish and a land pet is you're in charge of a fish's whole environment, their earth and air, so you gotta make sure their atmosphere doesn't get nasty.
I hope I don't sound too mad at any of you, but a lot of people have this attitude towards fish like they're not even real animals. Some people buy species without knowing anything about them, treat them like decoration, and when the fish die of neglect, act like it's the fault of the fish. This animal has been evolving for a long time, and has a lifespan of at least a couple years! If you keep killing fish, sorry, that is your fault and you are responsible, just like any other pet.
Argh argh argh argh.
On the goldfish thing, they might not have had sufficient environment. They get very big and breathe heavily, so they need more air and room than one would expect. It's possible that a smaller space made the normally-docile fish begin to suffocate and turn on each other--but of course, there are crazies in every species. There's tons of media involving goldfish in tiny stillwater containers, so a lot of people think that's the right way to care for them. It makes me nuts :(

Oh, squiggles

@Inkcrafter So I guess you have gone ahead and assumed that I didn't do any research, tried to be a responsible fish owner, and still had inexplicable deaths...ok.

Considering how much salmon I like to eat, I am a pretty horrendous person to the fish-folk.

TheDragon

@Inkcrafter
I'm just gonna say one more thing and bow out:
We have people come into the store who know EVERY last detail about their fish, their tanks, and bring in water quality samples that are PERFECT, and their fish are still all dying.
Fish are a big responsibility, and it rubs me the wrong way that the author said that if you can't keep one alive, you don't deserve love.
In my opinion, fish are some of the hardest animals to keep alive, and therefore, them dying doesn't make you unworthy of love. It just means you weren't able to keep a very delicate animal alive.
(Ok. There are exceptions. If you kill a pleco, you might not be worthy of love...)

Inkling

@The Kendragon
Yeah, you're right--it's not like it's impossible to have a fish accident. Taking care of a tank in itself has a lot of intricacies, let alone the various species of fish.
I don't like it when people act like it's a joke that their fish die all the time--like "fish! They love to die for no reason, amirite." I know they're cheap and easy to obtain and misrepresented in media, but they have a real drive to live like everything else. If you have an accident and your fish dies, that's sad. If your fish are continuously dying, you are the common factor in their deaths, and there is something you're doing as a pet owner that is wrong.

ETA: LIKE HERE THERE ARE TWO GOLDFISH IN A HALF-FULL BOWL OF UNOXYGENATED WATER. It didn't even register at first, but yep, there it is again! Don't listen to the media, guys, goldfish bowls are a conspiracy!

eiffeldesigns

You know what? Being single in your 30s isn't all that horrible. I kicked my husband out a few months before I turned 33. He had been cheating on me with multiple "friends", so it was like a double whammy hurt fest up in my head. And I didn't eat (I lost 20 pounds). And I cuddled with my cats and my dog (although, seriously, I love my dog but he puts a cramp in my style sometimes. Sorry cute boy, I can't stay out late because if I do I'll have to possibly clean up dog poo in my condo). I drank entire bottles of wine by myself while posting on facebook and twitter. And I drank entire bottles of wine with my friends. And cried and said stupid shit to them. A lot.

And then I found an awesome rebound boy- who was patient, and kind and super hot. And who broke up with me on Monday. And now I get to do it all over again! I'm already down 3 pounds! I actually just picked off cat hair from my sweater! And I'm really fucking sad right now because he was awesome, but we both knew it wasn't working, but we are adults now (adults!) and broke it off before one of us (read me) got hurt any more than necessary. But I learned a lot and I know I'll be better eventually. And I will find some other nice gentleman caller who is meant for me.

DH@twitter

@Kirs

You are an awesome human. Please take all these Internet hugs.

Slutface

@Kirs We're twins! I just broke up with my rebound boy too. We only dated for about a little over a month so I'm not too broken up over it. I'm still trying (and failing) to get over my ex that I was with for five years. I keep hoping I'll meet someone who will make me forget him, but I know that's not really possible. I need to get over him myself.

eiffeldesigns

@DH@twitter I will take these internet hugs. Because I really need them right now.

@Slutface Rebound boy and I had just gotten past three months. In many ways this is harder than the divorce- with exhusband there was a lot (a lot!) of anger given the circumstances. Anger is much easier for me to handle than sadness. Rebound boy is just sad. No one did anything wrong. We still like each other. But our lives are just not in the same place right now and might not ever be. Honestly, I'm mostly going to miss the sex, because, dear lord it was good. Really good. After 11 years with the same man I had no idea how good it could be again.

Slapfight

@Kirs Seriously. You will and are awesome. Something great about being in your 30's is not caring what 20-somethings assume about you. Because who cares? That said, I'm sorry the writer is going through a rough patch. It sucks, I know, and I'm glad she's doing things to make herself feel better. But being over 30 and single you'll have to take my opinion with a grain of salt and a few stray cat hairs.

Slapfight

@Slapfight I'd edit this if I could. I think I misunderstood the tone of the piece.

electric_feel

@Kirs Thank you for being you! My rebound and I are obviously on the cusp of cutting things off but just haven't quite sat down and said so and had (fingers crossed) breakup sex right now. I know that it's incredibly necessary for this to happen -- I NEED TO BE SINGLE, DAMNIT -- but impending breakup with the guy I started seeing two weeks after my engagement broke off is... not... going to be fun.

So thanks for reminding me I'm not the only one. Wooooo!

eiffeldesigns

@electric_feel good luck! It will probably suck, but we have to remember that we will always feel better eventually. We can start listening to that Kelly Clarkson song on repeat :-) Shit like this makes us stronger.

peacrow

@Kirs Good God, you are in my brain. I actually just said the "sadness is more difficult than anger for me" line to the guy who dumped me after four months. I wasn't angry at him at all, unlike my boyfriend of four years, who I hated by the end. I really like the four month guy, but he's not ready for a relationship, I guess. I'm bummed. But so, so glad that I'm not the only one more depressed over a short relationship ending than the Big Relationship.

eiffeldesigns

@peacrow It's so counter intuitive that I thought I might be crazy. I mean, I only knew the dude for 3 months! But, the pain is palpable and their is no shame in it. If it hurts, it hurts and no one can tell you how long or how hard you should mourn the end of a relationship.

Chesty LaRue

@Kirs @Slutface @electric_feel @peacrow
Hey, here are some more internet hugs.

AnalogMetronome

@Kirs How to Act Like an Adult When Relationships End by Kirs.

But seriously, kudos (and hugs) to you! You go on with your bad self, even if your bad self is a little hurty. I admire that a whole lot.

EternalFootwoman

@Kirs Ohhh, I hear you on this one. I just got dumped after four months and in many ways, I'm taking harder than the end of my engagement several years ago. I think a lot of it is that, after that big heartbreak, I thought I was done being sappy and "in love". I really believed that I was going to be rational and in-control when it came to relationships. So the fact that I let myself get so invested is a blow to the ego.

Nina B.@twitter

I'm convincing myself I don't have to cut off contact (too... hard...) because I'll be moving to Indonesia in August and that, I'm sure, will pretty much do it. That said, I'm doing a trial don't-text-him run. It's going okay. I feel less shitty.

I'm glad there are so many 'Pinners who can commiserate. Makes things a little less lonely.

ThatWench

@Nina B.@twitter My life is not your life, but after my second breakup ever, I learned that the "no contact whatsoever" was so very important for me. I may have gone through every cliche there, as well (we're just friends! now with benefits! now just friends again!), but when graduation allowed for a complete cut-off of contact (no accidental encounters in the dining hall), the stress level just became so much better.

So my recommendation is always for a complete no-communication ban for at least a few months. A degree of smugness about "I have many friends who love me for just me, I have no friend deficit and therefore your friendship is not required for my well-being" is also recommended.

TheDragon

@ThatWench
Yeah... I tried to do that. Except we went: Just friends! Friends with benefits! Not friends! Friends! MORTAL ENEMIES who know all of the others most vulnerable spots!
So I blocked him on the fb and have been avoiding texting/calling (I have his number memorized unfortunately). It is helping. Finally, something is helping.
From now on, I think I will be a no-contact-ever girl in breakups

Chrestomanci

@Nina B.@twitter I have just got through one solid month of no contact with The Love of My Life (barring a couple of messages where he asked to meet up and I said no). It's really really hard and I miss him like crazy but I know it's the right thing to do. Compared to breaking with previous boyfriends, where I tried to remain friends and put myself through the emotional wringer, this time I feel so much...clarity I guess. And I'm learning so much about myself! No contact ftw!

fabel

I'm in a relationship (Congratulations, how wonderful; there, I did it to myself) but I am also the girl buying cheap merlot in exercise clothes and walking around with cat hair all over me. What am I going to do if I have a sudden breakup, if that's how things already are for me? :(

DH@twitter

@fabel

Start buying really expensive wine, maybe?

TheDragon

@fabel MORE CATS!

ThatWench

@The Kendragon Oh, dear lord, I just had a vision of myself post break-up, and I would totally be a more-cat person.

Gilgongo

@fabel Hee hee... me too! I was thinking the same thing.

RK Fire

@fabel: Yeah, substitute the cheap merlot for "box of crackers and a ton of cheese" and it's me in a nutshell.

Kate Kane

@fabel Yep, more cats. And maybe downgrade to Mad Dog 20/20?

hallelujah

These would be very relevant to my interests, except I was (and remain) pregnant when I was unceremoniously bounced. So no wine, pole dancing, or cats, and casual sex is a much more complicated endeavor than it's worth. Womp.

noodge

@hallelujah well... pole dancing isn't a no-go (my sister did it when she was preggo! up til... 7 or 8 months I think) and you can still change your hair! and... go to strip clubs? hm. and get a unitard?
I'm sorry you got dumped. that guy sounds like a serious shit taco with horrible timing.

iceberg

@hallelujah JUICEBOX. If he was kiddo's dad, probably kiddo is better off without such a shining example of howe not to treat people?

hallelujah

@iceberg This is what I tell myself! Better to know now than to expose my son to such a horrible example of a man in his formative years.

@teenie Haircut! Unitard! Strip clubs! These are all actually great & I probably be employing them in the near future.

Slapfight

@hallelujah You should look up Christina Applegate's Funny or Die sketch, Prenatal Pole Dancing. It'll make you laugh for a minute. Sorry about the lame dude.

ThatWench

@hallelujah Juicebox x 1000. Per the thread below, could you also plan on lots of dog-borrowing? A friend with a dog you could walk/puppy-sit for?

gobblegirl

@hallelujah Pregnant in a unitard is a great look. Good luck with everything, you and your lil one will have fun together, drinking milk late into the night.

sevanetta

@hallelujah major hugs. I hope you have good people (family/friends) around you! more hugs! my god!

OhMarie

I really liove the idea of fighting cliche experiences with cliche jiu jitsu.

Also, I always advocate getting a new job if at all possible when you break up with a coworker, but having that job be "writer for Jon Stewart" really throws a wrench in things. Um, maybe one of you can, like, swap with a Colbert Report writer??

thebestjasmine

How was there no mention of a lot of ice cream and french fries?

Also, dogs may cramp the going out style, but they're way better when you're crying than a cat.

Bro-lo El Cunado

@thebestjasmine Dogs > cats when comforting a crying owner. The "why are you making that weird noise?" sad eyes get me every time.

TheDragon

@thebestjasmine
YES! I cry and my cat TAKES off. I cry and my dog becomes a 65 lb teddy bear/blanket who wants nothing more than to be curled up as close to me as he can until I feel better.
If you are really pathetic and gross, you will offer your dog a bite of your ice cream and french fries, because you feel like he is the only constant in your life and you want to thank him for that.

sox
sox

@thebestjasmine Pshh. My cat licks my tears from my sorry sad face. But whatevs, it doesn't matter what kind of sentient being is comforting you, by all means have one!

TheDragon

@sox If I am being quietly sad, my cat will come cuddle on my lap, purr and look at me lovingly. If I am sloppily sobbing, kitty can't handle it, and it's time to call in the mutt.

Megasus

@The Kendragon My dog is a big cuddlebug when I'm sad too!
Also if I sound scared for whatever reason (one time when I was playing a new Silent Hill game) he runs into the room to see what's wrong. I dunno if it's a herding dog thing (I have never experienced it with any of my other dogs, but they were mostly outside dogs) but he is very in tune with my emotions.

Opos

@The Kendragon All of this now makes me miss my (long-dead) dog who can't be here to mourn relationships with me! Wah wah wah wah. Dogs are the best companions for experiencing emotions without having to explain yourself. Cats are great for laughing at when they follow the laser pointer or jump in the box.

TheDragon

@Megano!
Mine is a herding dog too, and he has to "check" all the rooms in the house before he will go to sleep. He also chased off a man who was really really drugged up and wouldn't let go of me. (I was weeding in the front yard and the man grabbed me, and Ry jumped the back fence and muscled him away without biting him or hurting him.) That dog has a home for life, even if I can't always go out when I want to.

ThatWench

@thebestjasmine I would also comment that borrowed dogs can also "help" in this way. One of my most complete and public breakdowns may have taken place while sitting on the floor of a shop in a beach town while pretending no one could see me because my face was buried in puppy neck. (The dog belonged to the shop, that sort of beach town shop.)

sevanetta

@ThatWench and everyone on this thread... So the cat story I need to share is this. When I moved into my new place last year (transitioning from sharehousing to living on my own, while all my friends had long since married/moved in/had kids), feeling sensitive about being 29 and single for a couple of years... a cat turned up. I don't like cats. This cat decided it loved me and it stayed. A year on, I have grudgingly assumed responsibility for it and feed it (it still roams around). (Another neighbourhood cat which actually belongs to someone also hangs around for food too.)

It was like that Gilmore Girls episode where the 2 cats show up at Lorelei's house. I felt like I was having catladyhood thrust upon me. (why couldn't an abandoned dog have adopted me???)

Vera Knoop

@thebestjasmine My cat curls up on or next to me and purrs at me when I cry. YFMV, of course (your felines may vary).

TheDragon

I am not sure I agree with the "stop it at kissing advice" When I dumped my drug addicted ex, I promptly slept with enough people to multiply my "number" by...about 7x.
Guess what? No self slut shaming here! I felt sexy, I learned a lot, and I had fun.
But I also got a dog, so what do I know?

iceberg

@The Kendragon Do you, of course, but for some people it might be too hard to separate that intimacy from emotional intimacy *cough* looks at self *cough* so keeping it casual in terms of how far you go can help keep the relayshe casual too.

TheDragon

@iceberg
I don't know if it is because I was sexually assaulted as a child, or it it's just how I am, but to me connecting and talking attaches me to them way more than sex. So I made sure to do all my talking to friends and only sleep with guys who were sexy and fun, but I couldn't really stand.
Now that I actually am clawing my way back into the dating game again, this strategy is biting me in the ass. So it's a flawed system. (I kind of feel like all ways of coping with heartbreak are flawed systems, to some extent, though.)

RNL
RNL

@The Kendragon Yes! It's sooooo easy to have lots of sexy casual fun when you don't connect easily with sex partners, but sooooo hard to date.

I'm coming out the other end of my recovery from the end of 5 year relationship and trying to have actual caring relationships with the men I have sex with, and it's... difficult. I've left a number of sad, confused men in my wake. I keep having this feeling like "why are you still here?" and "why are you telling me about your boring job/hobby/etc?" and "why are you holding my hand?". I'm getting better, but I'm still pretty much the jerk people worry about dating.

TheDragon

@RobotsNeedLove
I actually do ok at this. My problem is more now that I'm allowing myself to get attached, I get attached WAY too fast. Or I sleep with them too soon. Or I go for the type of guys I have been sleeping with, and try to force something to happen between us, when it's an obviously awful idea.

RNL
RNL

@The Kendragon I feel you. I have done each, probably all together. Date wrong guy, sleep with way to fast, get attached, act attached, and then either: 1) get hurt; or 2) get freaked out and run. Then have more casual sex.

TheDragon

@RobotsNeedLove
Exactly. Runrunrunrunrun or crycrycrycrycry or both is how it seems to end up.

CasualElegance

@RobotsNeedLove OMG Yes. I am the person your mother warned you about. I've pretty much been on MakeOutTour 2012 since my last breakup and I think it's helping? I think it just takes time (like a year) to get over someone you were really in love with, and if 'dating' a bunch of guys helps you get through that time then so bit it.

parallel-lines

I'm in the process of planning a wedding and sometimes I really miss my 'bottle of rose and thai food while watching pirated Food Network' nights. The cat hair, not so much. I guess the only thing I can say is do everything you've ever wanted to do but couldn't do because of your relationship. I traveled a lot--sometimes alone--and had so much fun but what made it better was that snowboarding trip was all about me and I didn't have to wait for someone to catch up. I spent a lot of selfish time learning new things and pushing myself out of my comfort zone and it was wonderful!

/end unsolicited advice.

iceberg

@parallel-lines excellent advice. also, if he, like, hated Thai food, go eat tons of it, if he never wanted to go to the museum or whatever, go there, &c.

Barry Grant

@iceberg
Except don't take up cigarettes again because your ex hated them. Doesn't work out very well.

iceberg

@Barry Grant haha yes. does not apply to self-destructive things.

roadtrips

@Barry Grant I have upped my breath mint consumption to about 10 a day since my breakup with a health fanatic... I quit smoking before I even met him but it's so tempting now to start again. There's something about sitting with a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes and a good book that sounds really therapeutic to me.

Megasus

Oh man, I kind of lucked out on the breakup bed deal, since we were barely speaking and certainly not sharing a bed anymore for like, the last 6 months. And he was never around, so not having him there was literally not different for me, though it's been a bit of an adjustment for the dog, since he has to wait much longer to go out.

eiffeldesigns

@Megano! My poor pup had a very hard time after I kicked my ex out. He had been home with him every day, all day for an entire year since he was unemployed (conveniently getting a job a week after I kicked him out). I had to put him on Prozac for dogs because he developed some behavioral issues. :-(

Megasus

@Kirs Mine is not too bad, but he is definitely lonely. And I feel bad for his bladder (he has papers down but he would rather wait than use them now). He waited for the ex to come back at the door for a little while, but not too long.

Oh, squiggles

Um...as a lifetime dog owner, I am just not that experienced with owning cats (cat allergy). Is owning a cat that much less responsibility than owning a dog?

TheDragon

@Awesomely Nonfunctional
Yeah. If you are going away for a weekend you can just fill the litter box with fresh littler, leave out food and water, some toys/blankets, and go. (So same thing if you have to be gone for a long time during the day).
Cats are just much better at independence.

eiffeldesigns

@Awesomely Nonfunctional Immensely different. Cats don't need anything but some food, some water, and some place to go to the bathroom. I could leave them for days with an auto feeder and big ol' litter box. But I can't leave the pup alone for more than 10 hours, tops.

wee_ramekin

@Awesomely Nonfunctional Plus, there is a lot less guilt involved in cat ownership, for me at least.

With my dog, if we haven't gone to the dog park in a while, or if he's left alone for more than 4 hours, or if I feel like he's had a really boring day, I start feeling immensely guilty and like I'm abusing him (I realize that that is an overreaction).

My cats, on the other hand, are felines of the indoor/outdoor persuasion, so I never worry about them being bored. I don't even start to worry about their safety unless I haven't seen them in 24 hours.

faustbanana

@Awesomely Nonfunctional Unless you have a 19 year old cat who needs special food and fluid infusions every other day and oral medicine twice a week and I can't go anywhere aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

Megoon

@Awesomely Nonfunctional Cats are honestly easier than fish. Probably a wash in terms of maintenance, but if you forget to feed the cat, it tells you (I have two! I don't forget to feed them; that's just an FYI).

redheaded&crazy

i think my dog may actually be a cat in disguise.

she doesn't like going to the dog park.

she doesn't like going for walks.

she doesn't mind being left alone.

??? cat dog ???

Amphora

@Awesomely Nonfunctional In my experience, the advantage is that a lot of cats don't destroy things when you leave them alone for too long. But my cat is a rescue and he needs at LEAST as much emotional support as a dog.

Hellcat

@faustbanana Aww, I'm sorry. I don't really have anything to add yet about the breakups but, for a little more than a year, I had an adult cat who needed the fluids and stuff; I so get it. He was a good boy, just not very healthy. I miss him. You're a good pet owner for doing all of that.

Vera Knoop

@redheaded&crazie And I have a cat who follows me from room to room, flops over with no dignity, and fetches. Perhaps there was some sort of mix-up?

EternalFootwoman

@redheaded&crazie CatDog...CaaaaatDog...alone in the world is a little CatDog.

DH@twitter

If my relationship ends, you will need to confiscate my Tori Amos CDs, because it's all too easy to imagine myself spinning "Northern Lad" on repeat and gulping wine out of the bottle.

nonvolleyball

@DH@twitter aahhh!!! that came up on shuffle the other day & I (in the process of brushing my teeth with my not-going-anywhere spouse in the next room) almost started crying at the "he don't show much these days..." part. I'd totally forgotten about that song, & how poignant it is.

if we're talking Tori breakup songs, though...Hey Jupiter ftw.

BattyRabbit

@DH@twitter I pretty much listened to nothing but Tori for several months after my last break-up. My last.fm profile was the saddest thing ever: "Putting the Damage On" is still like my #5 most played track because of that break-up.

TyrannosaurusWreck

"I promise, you will get to the point where you’ll get sick of going out every night, where you’ll actually opt to stay home and write down your thoughts on your own current crisis, you’ll start going to the gym again and eating when people don’t force a plate of fries in front of you." YES. I second doing all the crazy though. This is exactly how I got over my huge breakup, and it SO WORKED.

stuffisthings

A cat will never love you. At most, they love the food that you provide for them.

wee_ramekin

@stuffisthings gives userpic the side-eye

I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO THERE, BORDER COLLIE! I know that border collies are smart, but do you honestly think I can't tell the difference between a human bean and a border collie disguised as a person?!

sarah girl

@stuffisthings Nuh uh! Tell that to my cat who will spend literally hours curled up in my lap.

parallel-lines

@Sarah H. She just wants to steal your body warmth/soul (probably more the first that the second).

Kate Kane

@Sarah H. Aww, my cat who just passed away did the same. If I was in any way not moving, she had to be near or on me. She'd also get really upset when I'd go away for more than a couple days. Poor dependent kitty!

sarah girl

@Kate Kane Yep! Mine was a stray who wandered into a friend's garage one day (she couldn't keep him), and I have no idea what his life was like before that. He is veeeerrrryyyyy lovey, though, and frequently does the kneading thing on my stomach, so I'm pretty sure he has some attachment issues. He's friendly with everyone, though, not just me, so that helps.

Also, he always seems to demand lap time after my boyfriend leaves from a visit, so I suspect there's some territorial stuff going on, too. ;)

Vera Knoop

@stuffisthings Sure. Whatever you need to tell yourself to feel better about carrying around little plastic bags full of poop.

Genghis Khat

I've never done it with dignity unless I didn't care about the guy. Just lots of looking back and cringing.

celacia

Re: cliche #1: As the clerk at a liquor store, I just want to point out that we don't really speculate about what you are going to do with that wine. Unless the clerk is an asshole there is almost certainly _no_ judgement going on. (Until you become a regular, and then we really only judge you if you are a jerk.)

LaLoba

@celacia It wasn't at a liquor store but . . . one time I purchased two forties of Olde English and a package of Sour Patch kids from a boyish clerk at Albertson's. He said, "Now THAT'S a recipe for heartburn if I've ever seen one."

He judged me, and he was right to do so.

celacia

@LaLoba (Ok, I _might_ judge the people who are buying 40s at 10 am. I admit it.) But someone buying a bottle of wine, cheap or otherwise, dressed however? Nah.

maebyfunke

@celacia This reminded me that one time I went to the liquor store on Friday for a bottle of wine, then went back for another one on Sunday and as I was leaving, one of the guys who worked there said, see you tomorrow! in kind of an asshole way? I'm secure in my drunkeness though, so I just thought it was funny.

KaiMcN@twitter

I need to get dumped, I really want a cat.

gobblegirl

@KaiMcN@twitter
Me: Hey, KaiMcN, you look nice! Let's date.
You: Ok!
Me(five minutes later): I need to find myself. I'm moving to Peru. Without you.
...and scene.
Okay, now you can get a cat to help you get over me (I am assuming the above exchange broke your heart into a million pieces).

KaiMcN@twitter

@gobblegirl I will NEVER love again! What kind of monster would bring a cat into this broken home?! What if you come back from Peru and have missed me that whole time but you think I'm weak for running out to get a cat before the stamp on your passport was dry?!

Why are you pushing me so far away? I'll stop calling. If that's really what you want. You don't have to leave!

beezus.

Last time I got dumped, I couldn't stop calling/texting my ex. So my best friend made me change his name in my phone to "CALL CHRISTIE." It totally worked -- everytime I went to text or call, I just pictured her disapproving, frowning face, and I texted her, instead. My small piece of advice: If you are going through a breakup, recruit a friend who will let you do this.

peacrow

@dahlface Doing this. My friend totally told me to call her instead of him. I also considered giving one of my friends his number and they could only give it to me if I had a real reason to contact him. But it'd be to easy to get number, even when drunk, circumventing my friends keeping the number. This seems like a better idea. Thanks! :)

redheaded&crazy

@dahlface ugh, further piece of advice for the friend in this scenario: you can't get your friend to call you instead of the ex unless they want to. don't take it personally

baklava!

@dahlface Also I recommend creating a fake email address for your ex if you really feel like you want to write to them all the time. Then it can just go to 'them' but also to 'nowhere' and you can just cringe to yourself when you go in there a couple of months (years, whatever) and delete it all.

LaLoba

I broke up with my boyfriend over the weekend. Then I immediately slept with a dude who has been trying to get with me for a couple of months.

I actually like him a lot.

But I still feel like a dick.

I bought a box of Franzia. I've been to four social gatherings in the past week; I brought it as my contribution to each one. The box has a handle. It is meant to be carried place to place.

Can I be heart broken and giddily infatuated at the same time?

I finally changed my sheets and took the forty pounds of clothing off the floor.

If the sun keeps shining; things might look up. Or I'll see every movie at the theater and keep playing pool with the crowd of toothless old men at the dive bar on Tuesday nights.

LaLoba

@LaLoba ALSO... it is okay to break down in tears during dance class.

Tell them about it, and take their sympathy. Dance hard with little care for technique. Let that come later. Don't cry in the coffee shop or the bar, but cry in dance class. Don't forget your water bottle.

rocknrollunicorn

I hate to be "that" person -- wait. No I don't, I actually appreciate being old enough to be "that" person. But when you adjust to the idea of thirty, you will realize that life is awesome over here. Off the top of my head, I'll say more orgasms, and less crazy. It's nice.

datalass

@rocknrollunicorn Well, then I'll be that person right along with you. For me, when I reached 30, I finally felt like my skin fit or something. But the truth is, I love adulthood. The orgasms. The small-batch bourbon. The novels whose symbolism escaped me even in my precocious youth. The non-weirdness of having friends who are 20 years my senior or 10 years my junior. The sense of really knowing what I'm doing at work. The feeling that I'm well-equipped to retort to the stupid come-ons I hear on the subway. All of that. I like it.

eiffeldesigns

@rocknrollunicorn Adult relationships are great. I met my husband when I was 21. And he acted like he was 16. So I was so pleasantly surprised to start dating in my 30s and have it be so... nice. No games. No bullshit (and if there was any of that, then over, quick). And always yes to more orgasms (rebound guy gave me my first and I can only hope more will come).

@datalass And bourbon! Yes!

nonvolleyball

@datalass I love this. sometimes being a grown-up doesn't get the appreciation it deserves.

the angry little raincloud

@rocknrollunicorn Oh, yes, the sex is so much better post-30. Oh, so much better. Oh, yes. But I have a sneaking suspicion I'm doing the whole being a grown-up thing wrong, sometimes, as I'm still kind of a mess post-heartbreak. But where are you finding these adult, no bullshit men? Because I'm finding dudes in their late 30s and 40s who certainly have the game-playing/bullshit/asshole thing covered.

roadtrips

@Kirs Oh God, it's amazing, isn't it! I met my ex when he was 23, and before we seriously got together it was like months and months of hemming and hawing and making out and then him sleeping with someone else and then not returning my calls and then telling me, drunkenly, that he was in love with me. So frustrating! And before him I had just gotten used to unreturned text messages, canceled plans, and running into men I'd slept with at parties and having them act like they didn't know who I was. NOW, a few months after my breakup with my ex, I'm seeing someone in his early 30s. When I asked him if he wanted to go out sometime, he returned my message WITHIN 20 MINUTES. No canceled plans, great sex. It's incredible. I'm never going back.

peacrow

K. So I got dumped, and I was leaning into the cliches before I read this article. Go me! I have a cat, and I'm catsitting, so talking to a cat all day is NO PROBLEM. I drank alone... but it was a liter of vodka, not a bottle of merlot. But cheap vodka, so it counts. (But lead me to drunk dial him... not a cliche to lean into; I feel horribly guilty. But of course I got drunk as an excuse to call him, so I knew what I was doing.) Posting on FB a lot. Why am I still FB friends with him? Because we said we want to be friends still. Doubt it. Gave a friend advice today, and have another friend in crisis. An excellent distraction.

The only one I can't get behind is going out and feeling frisky. My normal high libido is just shot. The thought of touching another male disgusts me right now. I really hope it returns soon, because I've got a couple guys waiting in the wings, one I want to bang so bad, after the "sex with anyone but him seems so sad" passes. So, I shall chop my hair off on payday and dye it dark brown. Already bought part of the hair-dye concoction. :)

annev6

@peacrow Also hit up Sephora or Elf or H&M and buy something that you decide will change your life. Like a new eye liner or dress. Do you know how to put on fake eyelashes? You should get some fake eyelashes. And wear them. And you should spend 4 hours getting ready to go out while listening to music and drinking alone so by the time you get to the bar half the fun has been had and you feel gorgeous. If you are chopping off all your hair buy a fascinator or pretty barrettes. Do these things. *whispers* Trust me.

Amphora

@peacrow I know what you mean about the aversion to hookups thing. For a while after a break up it always seems like there's this "eww stranger" vibe.

Tiktaalik

When I broke up with my college boyfriend of 5 years, the first thing I did was grab my BFF (@remargaret, you around?) and drive 5 hours to spend the weekend with my parents. In the car, we detailed everything (EVERYTHING) that I was so, so glad I didn't have to worry about anymore, like his crazy mother, disturbed/clingy sister, weird teeth, foot odor, strange knack for breaking my glasses, argumentative nature, etc. It really made it incredibly easy for me to just let it all go. Not to say I was totally fine after that, I certainly did my fair share of wallowing in my apartment alone and eating ice cream, but it really, really helped to just get it all out there. Other key ingredient to successful breakup: no contact, for as long as you can sustain it. Once you go a day, it gets so much easier to do 2 days, then a week, then before you know it it's been 3 months and honey badger don't give a shit.

redheaded&crazy

@Tiktaalik I wrote this list down on my phone and was very comforted by it for a long time. then eventually I realized I didn't need it anymore! Great feeling. The best feeling.

annev6

A comforting, or more upsetting, thought (depending on how you look at it): All those people you think are silently judging you in your sweatpants at the liquor store really aren't giving much of a shit about you. Go forth and sweatpants-booze it away, darlin.

Amphora

@annev6 When the homeless guy out front high fives you, you know you've found a kindred spirit...

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@annev6: A liquor store cashier judges no one.

baklava!

@annev6 I did once have a convenience-store clerk excitedly ask me if I was having a party when I bought two bags of break-up chips and a pint of break-up ice cream.

Emma Peel

@baklava! I once was super sick, with a yeast infection on top of it, and went to CVS in my hot pink pajama pants, snowboots and winter coat, to buy Monistat and half-price Valentine's candy.

The creeper in line behind me decided to hit on me.

kitkat88

@baklava! That happened to me once too! I said "Nope, but you can come if you want anyways. I'm marathoning Parks and Rec." I wasn't trying to hit on her or anything, I had just reached the pinnacle of not caring. She actually considered it too!

gtrachel

I've enjoyed reading about Hairpin breakups. But I found this story unimaginative. Sorry. Maybe being single as you approach the terrifying age at which you suddenly become a pathetic loser will give you some perspective?

Amphora

@gtrachel was it....cliched?

TheDragon

@gtrachel I have to admit, I felt like it was almost more Cosmopolitan than Hairpin. I still enjoyed it, and am immensely enjoying the discussion, but it didn't hold a candle to some other hairpin dating/breakup articles like the "Breakup Bunkers" and "End This Terrible Relationship You're in, Please"

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

Can you imagine the adulation given to the person that figures out how to boobytrap the mind into doing only positive things after a breakup?

'S/he dumped me suddenly after 4 years. I was such a mess, I alternated between Super Squats and p90x, ate right, learned French and trained on Avid to cut the first edit of my friend's directorial debut, where I met my new boy/girlfriend.'

karion

I loved the cuss out of all of this.

Also, Wednesdays on the internet are like Sunday nights on television.

Hellcat

@karion Yes! This analogy is perfect!

ohbladi

@karion Like in a Mad Men completely incredible blow your mind kind of way or in a Whitney way?
(sidenote- is Whitney still on? I hope not)

wanderluster

I broke up with an ex of over two years in December. And then adopted a dog, and started going to the gym like a maniac. Four months later, I'm down 30 pounds and dating the manager of said gym. Ideal breakup timeline!

ru_ri

I'm going to very briefly be That Person because this gives me Feelings (sorry):
It's JUJUTSU for the love of all the dogs.
Thank you, I am better now.

Mairzy Doats

As someone who is allergic to your cats, please try to remove at least some of the cat hair before coming into a communal office space. It's not that I don't love your animals, it's that your animals make my eyes burn and my nose clog.

Jenn@twitter

I already do lots of this (p. much everything but number 4), am not single nor near thirty (YET).

my life is just that awesome, I guess?

Waiting

I guess this article makes me really happy in that, I feel less shitty for succumbing to cliches under crap circumstances. Cliche number 5 really hit home for me. I tend to give a lot of advice (I swear it is well-intentioned) and like, I'm realizing that it's like a nervous tick and I need to stop.

hoo:ha

Correction: DO get a dog. Even if you aren't going through a break up. They are more responsibility than cats. This is a good thing. I got my pug in the middle of my "crazy swingin' 20's" and the fact that I HAD to come home every night to feed someone/let them poop outside probably kept me from making some MAD mistakes. Plus 7 years later he is still here, still my best friend, and the magic is still alive. God I hope my future marriage will work out half as well!

Isabel

I really wish this existed when I went through my breakup last year. I think it would have been much more helpful than that "This American Life" about breakup songs.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Step # (wherever we are now): Potatoes. Cheese.

*drops mic, walks away*

daylightspool

HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW?!

Esther

I'm going to be that person and just remind everyone that alcohol is a depressant and as glamorous as it sounds to drink wine alone in your room listening to shoegaze and cleaning your room by 4am you might end up just having a panic attack and calling a crisis hotline.

just. hypothetically. you know. be careful.

Waiting

@Esther Omg, I do this to myself ALL THE TIME... drinking alone when you're upset can be really bad.

sprayfaint

Relevant: While coming off a bad breakup, I drank a bottle of wine alone and wrote a short piece about killing my goldfish, which ended up getting published (first and only time).

rhymeswithholly

I was broken up with via Facebook on Friday. No warning at all. This person whirled through my life like an emotional tornado and I'm left devastated without a clue of what to do.

April Lynn@facebook

I bought the winexbackspell@gmail.com 2 months ago now and within 6 weeks my ex and i got back together again and now we are happy again with our relationship than before. It was not an easy task by any means but without the win ex back spell guidance and knowledge it would have been impossible. We have just come back from a small holiday and we are ready to try again!

Thank him so much.

April Lynn@facebook

My husband and I was married for 9 months. Back in April, I asked for a divorce. I told him that I didn't love him. I was trying to find a way to make him mad at me. A week before our divorce was final, I told him that I didn't want to lose him and that I really did love him. But i find out with me threatening him with the divorce that he has loose interests in me,i was confuse why i make the suggestion because i really love him and i was thinking everyday not knowing what to do so I heard about this therapist oniha of the winexbackspell@gmail.com through a good family friend. I went straight out and tried to find the way to make my relationship the strongest type,i told the winexbackspell@gmail.com all my problems and he told me to cast a spell that will make him love me more and more forever,which I bought and act according to what he said,after everything
with the preparation. Then I found the spell working,he starting acting normal more than before,he always look at my eyes and always say their is sexy beauty in my eyes,he always look at me and always say,i need you always my love,this words which he say makes me look alive and feel like a woman,and i am so grateful being with him always. I am so thankful to have finally found true love into my life and soul,it was all i ever dream of. I realized that I was not only lying to my husband. He has show me the way and let me do the right thing to fix what I have done.

Carolina Pal@facebook

I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another woman. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help.And i saw a testimony of a spell caster who help a girl called michelle and i said let me give it a try so i contact him for help and he cast a love spell for me which i use in getting my love back and now i am a happy woman.For what you have done for me,i will not stop to share your goodness to people out there for the good work you are doing.I hope God blesses you as much as you have help me to get my Love back,visit him on ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com,he is the only answer to your problems ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com

Jessica Ruiz@facebook

My name is Jessica Ruiz from Florida I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine Lucy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Dr Shiva. I email Dr Shiva the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr Shiva for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is: hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too.

Rita Patson@facebook

I was having serious relationship problems with my husband and it had resulted in him moving out.Everything got worse,he started going to strip clubs frequently,getting drunk and passing out..Sometimes when we talked on phone,he would threaten me,he was just not himself and our children were suffering for all the drama. I really love him and we had been married for 15yrs which gave us three beautiful daughters..I had also lost a lot of money on therapists and spell-casters..I was in debt and I felt my world crumbling..I was introduced to a spell caster by a friend who he helped with the same thing and I thought it was just a scam all over again but this time it was different..I did all he asked me to and after a few days,he started getting better,he started calling,texting,things just changed between us,emotions,our love.He has a job and has been sober since and am also out of debt..Its a miracle I never believed was possible,I had lost all hope until I found him..He works and if you have the same problem I did,he is the solution: templeoflove1@gmail.com...

marlae

I appreciate all you have done for myself and my family. My name is harry and after contacting so many fake spell casters that only played with my heart you´d got what I wanted: my family back. Your sincere kindness and thoughtfulness inspires me. You have touched my heart deeply and I will forever be grateful that you got rid of all the negative influences that surrounded my wife and I. Now we are back and my son is very happy again, with his parents together... Thanks ANTOGAI antogaispelltemple@yahoo.com all my gratefulness

elle49

Thank you for this. I am reeling after a break up after 3.5 years, and being told I'm not the one.

Tenayah90

“My Dear friends online, my name is Tenayah From uk, I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, i was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine Lucy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Dr oduwa.i email oduwatemple@yahoo.com the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr oduwa for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is: oduwatemple@yahoo.com you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family

Denise Perry@facebook

My name is Rose i never believe in love spell until my friend introduce me to a powerful spell caster called DOCTOR SAKURA,here is my story i marriage to David at the beginning we love and care for each other but after 15years of our marriage with three lovely kids my husband traveled to Canada for a business trip coming home he came with another woman and he ask me to fill device document i refuse it was like a dream to me my husband drove me out of the house and bring in another woman but DOCTOR SAKURA helped me out with his powerful spell my husband return back to me and beg forgiveness,all thanks to the great doctor SAKURA if you need his help contact him with this email he can also be of help to you, sakuraspelltemple@gmail.com

Jones Nicole@facebook

I want to thank Dr Shiva for helping me to get my love back.My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago and told me he is not interested in me anymore and i want him back so badly that i went to the net and in searching for help and i saw so many good talk about this spell caster and i contact him and explain my problems to him and he cast a spell for me which i use to get my boyfiend back.If you need his help email: reunitingexspell@yahoo.com

Molly Stacey@facebook

my ex breakup 4 months ago and i was so depressed and devastated in getting him back.A friend of mine introduce me to a spell caster and i tell him my problem and i was guaranteed with 3 days to get my result and guest what the great miracle fell on me the third day and truly my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness even when i cost everything.God has truly blessed you with a very special gift. I just wanted to say thank you so much for the time that you took with me and helping me to get my ex back, i am so happy. You are the perfect spell caster i have ever met,you can contact him with this email Ogalalovespell@gmail.com he can help you all

Lucy Hollywood

I am Miss Lucy Hollywood., From united states of America.I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also cant do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY THE WIFE OF MY BOSS IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS EXCEPT IN GETTING YOUR EX OR MAKING YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU MORE THAT WILL SUITE YOU. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a man should give to a woman,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my boss use to love his wife so much. I was binging to think that i was not doing the right thing to him that will make him love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my boss wife office to ask her the secret that made her husband love her so dearly,In the first place she refused in telling me,She asked me why i am asking her such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told her the reason that made me ask her about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before her for her to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask her,She opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what she want to tell me,The wife to my boss started to say to me that she used a very powerful spell on his husband to love her,And the spell that she used is harmless, But the spell is just to make him love her and never to look for any other woman except her. I QUICKLY ASK HER HOW DID SHE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,she said that a friend of hers also introduce her to him. Then i also ask her how i can meet with this spell caster.SHE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS Dr.Ekpiku. My next question to her was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,She said she is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really she gave to me this spell caster email and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next two days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always continue telling the world about his wonderful work towards me and also to other that came to you before and also the people that will also get to you from my story that i narrated online now.. I will want to say to the entire world that you should not cry over noting again, That there is a great man that has been helping individuals to restore there Joy and smile in there faces !! The direct email to get this man is : Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com This is what i want to tell you all out there,That is thinking that all hope is lost ok..Thanks

Rosida Macualy@facebook

i am very happy today for what God used doctor kizzekpe a great spell caster to do in my life. i had misunderstanding with my husband in the past and so it led us to break up for 2 years but one day i saw a post of Mrs SONIA who posted on the internet that Doctor kizzekpe a great spell caster helped her with a spell that brought her Husband back so i decided to contact Doctor kizzekpe the great Spell caster to help me and he assured me that my Husband will come back to me luckily today i am very glad to write on this wall that RUMEL my husband has come back to me as the great spell caster Doctor kizzekpe said. Do you have a problem with you Husband, boy friend, girl friend, relations or in your office and you think you have lost them?worry no more because Doctor kizzekpe the great spell caster can help you just as he helped me bring my Husband back home. contact Doctor kizzekpe today via email:kizzekpespells@outlook.com..........RUTH

Bradley Speck@facebook

I had a problem with my boyfriend six months ago,which lead to us apart.
When he broke up with me,I was no longer myself,I fill so empty inside
sorry.Until a friend of mine told me about one of her spells that helped in
same problem too. i email the spells and I told him my problem
and I did what he asked me to briefly make. the long story Before I knew it
what happened,not 48 hours,my friend gave me a call and he
come back to me and told me he was sorry about what was going to happen, I'm so
grateful to these spells and will not stop publishing his name on the internet
just for the good work he has doing.If you need his help,you can email him at
(UNIQUELOVESPELLCENTER@YAHOO.COM)and he will also help you to Dr.TRUST(
UNIQUELOVESPELLCENTER@YAHOO.COM) I will be forever grateful to you.

Cindy Kylie@facebook

This is my testimonial on how DR Lawrence of drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com brought back my lover within 48 hours, I came across DR Lawrence email address through my search in the net few days ago, so i emailed him about my condition and how my lover left me. He told me it would take him only 48 hours to get my ex back to me, my ex called me before 48 hours begging me to forgive him and forget about the past and he is ready to make up for lost time.drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com or call him on +2348034182596

Frank Silver@facebook

HELLO Am Frank Silver i have read testimonies about this great spell caster called Dr. Ekpiku how he helped people to bring their lover back. so i decide to give him a try, i am here today to give my own testimony on how this great man brought my ex back within 48 hours for just to contact him. this girl has broke up with me over 6 weeks but she came back just within 48 hours that Dr Ekpiku said he will make her come back to me. just contact this man and he will bring your ex back here is his email address mail. Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com

Frank Silver@facebook

HELLO Am Frank Silver i have read testimonies about this great spell caster called Dr. fadeyi how he helped people to bring their lover back. so i decide to give him a try, i am here today to give my own testimony on how this great man brought my ex back within 48 hours for just to contact him. this girl has broke up with me over 6 weeks but she came back just within 48 hours that Dr Fadeyi said he will make her come back to me. just contact this man and he will bring your ex back here is his email address mail. doctorfadeyitempleofspell@hotmail.com

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Bradley Speck@facebook

My name is B.J.i am from Dubai, i want to thank Dr.Malaa for the spell he did for me after i lost my husband to another lady at his working place, Dr. Malaa cast a love spell for me and in 3 days my husband return home to my kids with so much love,he can solve so many problems so if you need his help!! contact BESTSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM or call his mobile number on +2348159645271

Frama Willis@facebook

Without DR DAHIRU a lot of people would have been dead through heart break. My case is not different from heart break, I am married woman with 3 kids and there was a time when i was having problem with my husband because he was having an affair outside our marriage and this was making me feel bad. So i tried finding solution to my problem by reading a lot of relationship tips on the internet and that was how i came in contact with DR DAHIRU contact details and through the help of DR DAHIRU my husband left the girl he was having affair with and he came back to me and our kids. After a job well done by DR DAHIRU i felt that it will be unfair if i keep this secret to myself and that is why i am going to drop the contact details of DR DAHIRU right now, They are: arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com or add him on facebook (Arewa Dahiru) To enable you have a taste of his nice work

Frama Willis@facebook

Without DR DAHIRU a lot of people would have been dead through heart break. My case is not different from heart break, I am married woman with 3 kids and there was a time when i was having problem with my husband because he was having an affair outside our marriage and this was making me feel bad. So i tried finding solution to my problem by reading a lot of relationship tips on the internet and that was how i came in contact with DR DAHIRU contact details and through the help of DR DAHIRU my husband left the girl he was having affair with and he came back to me and our kids. After a job well done by DR DAHIRU i felt that it will be unfair if i keep this secret to myself and that is why i am going to drop the contact details of DR DAHIRU right now, They are: arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com or add him on facebook (Arewa Dahiru) To enable you have a taste of his nice work

Camille Bruno Valdez@facebook

My name is Camille bruno Valdez my partner and I have been trying for a baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 5 months before somebody told us to contact this spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him at this email; arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com, for him to help us, then we told him our problem, he told us that we will either conceive in February 2014 or March 2014,but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to try anything. And I'm glad we came to Dr Dahiru, Because his pregnancy spell cast put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done. contact him via email: arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com if you are trying to get a baby or want your lover back. he has powers to do it, he has done mine you can as well add him on facebook (Drdahiru Arewa) To enable you have a taste of his nice work too.

Ekuma Solutiontemple@facebook

My name is Floa Dee, and I base in UK...My life is back!!! After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr Ekuma, which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet,I came across a lot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Elizabeth,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr Ekuma's e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before Dr Ekuma, is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man... If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try ekumasolutiontemple@gmail.com anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here's his contact: ekumasolutiontemple@gmail.com

osasjoel

To all that are out there who has suffered heart break relationships for a long time that wish to get back with there ex-lover, restore there broken marriages, want to win a lottery, you have been sick for a long time and wish to recover now, money spell, good-luck spell and many more, when i mean many more, any problem you are passing through in this life, contact the following email to get your spell casted to get an everlasting solution to the problem: ajayiololo@yahoo.com the great and best spell caster that brought back to me my baby father / lover. Also the last time i talked with DR AJAYI OLOLO that i wish to testify of the goodness of his spell casting in my life, Just the way i have read so many people own that made me contact him with his email which is: ajayiololo@yahoo.com, He said i should include that all those that wish to seek for his help should contact with there phone number and country they from on the content of there email they are sending to get help here with his powerful and reliable spell casting because he is always busy in the temple most times.

Vera Morgan@facebook

I have just found the right one and the greatest spell caster on earth who has brought back my happiness and turned my world around by helping me get my ex partner and helped me get back my life cause i was totally frustrated after 6years of hardship and pain, a friend of mine buzz me on my email saying i should cheer up cause solution has come. At first i was like what are you saying, then she mentioned the name ‘EBOEHI’ and i must thank my savior Great DR EBOEHI who has play a very vital part of my life making me a great person and the most happiest person today you are a great man who is bless by powers with traditional healing spell caster, after Great DR EBOEHI has help me get my ex back he also help me recover what i have lost in past years i must thank him (Great DR EBOEHI) the life he has restored back for me and my happiness. Now i am doing well in my work and also with my partner, Great DR EBOEHI is a very great spell caster you need to know just meet him and with your problem and it will be over.. Email him via: (supernaturalspelltemple@gmail.com)

Vera Morgan@facebook

I have just found the right one and the greatest spell caster on earth who has brought back my happiness and turned my world around by helping me get my ex partner and helped me get back my life cause i was totally frustrated after 6years of hardship and pain, a friend of mine buzz me on my email saying i should cheer up cause solution has come. At first i was like what are you saying, then she mentioned the name ‘EBOEHI’ and i must thank my savior Great DR EBOEHI who has play a very vital part of my life making me a great person and the most happiest person today you are a great man who is bless by powers with traditional healing spell caster, after Great DR EBOEHI has help me get my ex back he also help me recover what i have lost in past years i must thank him (Great DR EBOEHI) the life he has restored back for me and my happiness. Now i am doing well in my work and also with my partner, Great DR EBOEHI is a very great spell caster you need to know just meet him and with your problem and it will be over.. Email him via: (supernaturalspelltemple@gmail.com)

Martins Lanaya@facebook

I am very happy, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr Adodo has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell, i was married to this man called Steven we were together for a long time and we loved our self's but when i was unable to give he a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can't continue anymore then i was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email (dradodojattotemple@yahoo.com) then you won't believe this when i contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell cast and bring my lost husband back, and after a month i miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Adodo for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems you can contact he today on his mail ( dradodojattotemple@yahoo.com) and he will also help you as well

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