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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

481

Amusingly Horrible Things I Have Said: The Bracket

This is the last in a series of tournaments pitting the amusingly horrible things people have said to one another ... against one another. This round turned out to be a little trickier than the past few (see: strangers, moms, bosses, significant others), with submissions skewing a bit more "horrible" than "amusing." [Nervous laughter.] So we skipped the starting 32, and headed straight to the Sweet Sixteen! An impartial judge picked the "winners," but the big "winner" still needs to be determined, if you'd like to vote. And yes, it's not seeded; it's unamusingly horrible; we're idiots.

1. At my male (I’m a girl) best friend’s wedding, while drunkenly congratulating him and his bride: “Your uncle just told me he thought it’d be me.” She, rightly, still hates me.

2. My friend sarcastically asked me if I like her new “pixie” cut. I knew she was slightly unhappy with it. Me (totally slipped out): “Mmm, sort of reminds me of Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men.” Friend: “That's widely considered the worst haircut in cinema history.”

3. Past boyfriend and I are messing around in bed when my cell phone rings. I check caller ID and see that it's my dad calling. BF, jokingly: "Tell him you can't talk because your mouth is full." Me, laughing: "It wouldn't be all that full..."

4. "I can't place your accent — where are you from?" "I'm deaf."

5. "I think you should ... you know ... fix this," I said, as I made gestures pulling my face back, indicating that I think my mother should get a facelift. 

6. What I meant to say: "I slay me!" after making a bad pun and laughing at it. What I said: "I kill myself!" in front of a guy whose mother had recently committed suicide.

7. A very short guy friend of mine introduced me to his new, tiny girlfriend, and I was genuinely thrilled for him. So much so that I gushed "Oh my god! It's so great that you finally found somebody who's shorter than ... ahhh."

8. On a booze cruise, I went up to my friend and his girlfriend. They'd been dating a long time and living together. I, being drunk, said to my friend, "Hey, when are you gonna ask this nice girl to marry you? Huh?!?" I pestered him about this for at least five minutes, asking his girlfriend, "When do you think he's gonna ask you, huh???" She giggled and said, "I don't know." My friend looked a little upset, but I was too drunk to notice. I was later informed that he had already asked her to marry him several times, and she kept saying no.

9. Went into the bedroom/coat room at a party, where my friend had put her cats for the duration. Bumped into a an acquaintance who had recently finished a two-year prison sentence, and the first thing out of my mouth was the nonsensical yet totally offensive "OH MY GOD, CAT JAIL."

10. Around Christmastime, I'm sitting on the C train at 86th Street station, and a well-dressed Upper West Side old lady laden with FAO Schwartz shopping bags decides to stick her arm in the closing doors so she can board the train in spite of the fact she's too late and another train is right behind us. But instead of opening again, the doors remain closed around her arm. She's wriggling to try to free herself for what seems like ages, and all the other passengers, including me, are beginning to panic that the train will take off with her still stuck in the door like that. We're all picturing it dragging her along the platform, hearing the awful screams in our imagination. A couple of guys get up and start pulling on the doors, yelling, "don't start the train, someone's stuck!" and, just when we think she's a goner, they finally open. She boards the train, and as she walks over to take a seat, my adrenaline still pumping, I yell to her: "I hope it was worth it!" Everyone stares at me. I hear someone say, "What's WRONG with you?"

11. I met a boyfriend/girlfriend who had both been fired from their amazing dream jobs (at different places) the same week. "Ugh that sucks, but it's also kind of cute?"

12. My new roommate, commenting on an old roommate she had a conflict with: "She said she didn't like my aesthetic." Me: "What aesthetic? ... I mean, what's not to like about your aesthetic?"

13. Me, a freshman in college, very tiny (it’s in my genes), to a friend: “I can’t believe you’re leaving school for an eating disorder! I mean, I think *I* weigh less than you!” Her: "..."

14. "At least you get some time off school." Me, in a condolence card signed by my fourth grade classmates for a girl whose dad had died of a heart attack.

15. "Well, I don't think you're a very good writer." In eighth grade, in response to my aspiring-writer best friend, who had (accurately) told me she didn't think I could handle a séance, which I had proposed we conduct in front of the boom box that had mysteriously started playing an Adam Sandler tape.

16. "I can sort of see how he would leave you."



481 Comments / Post A Comment

DianaPrince

I pictured the same person saying all of these things... and she is awesome.

annejumps@twitter

@xx-xx-xx ...Ohhh I should have read the intro.

TheGenYgirl

@xx-xx-xx Me too! I was like "Give her a reality show!!"

Slapfight

@xx-xx-xx I assumed it was Lena Dunham.

wee_ramekin

@xx-xx-xx I actually thought, for some reason, that it was Edith saying all these things? And I was seriously shaking my head in open-mouthed horror until I read your comment.

DianaPrince

@Slapfight @TheGenYgirl We should definitely try and sell this pilot. Between Girls and The New Girl, the time is ripe.

iceberg

I once admonished my (then 10 years old) nephew for playing silly buggers when he chucked his bowling ball in such a way that it ended up in the next lane over.

A single tear rolled down his cheek as he quietly said "I wasn't being silly."

WORST AUNT EVER.

nonvolleyball

@iceberg I know someone who told her young (like, 6-ish) son to "put on his big-girl panties" when he was complaining his arm hurt after a fall. turned out it was broken. (I should've put this in Nicole's thread. Nicole, are you reading? you are the best mother ever.)

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@nonvolleyball: WALK IT OFF

Emby

@Too Much Internet RUB SOME DIRT ON IT.

iceberg

@nonvolleyball Oh yeah my mum sent me to school in denial about my fractured arm. She got a lot of hard stares from the teachers when she had to come pick me up because I couldn't write without crying due to the broken arm.

atipofthehat

@Too Much Internet

CRAWL IT OFF

fierce_pierce

@nonvolleyball After my sister was bounced off a trampoline onto a gravel parking lot (what, it was like, 1991, didn't everyone sit on the springs?), our parents told her to just man up. She even swam in a swim meet. Crawled out of the pool sobbing. Three days later they took her to urgent care. That arm was BROKE. And to think my parents used to think children's services would come and get us all! For whatever reason I don't know!

@serenityfound

@nonvolleyball I broke my foot at jump rope team (don't ask) practice, but my dad didn't believe me. He honestly told me "Walk it off" and "Sometime you've got to play hurt!" and forced me to go to school. After three days in a row coming home early because of the pain, he finally took me to get an x-ray. ....that was 15 years ago and we still tease him about it.

Verity

@iceberg I went to school with bronchitis once. Although I didn't feel that bad at the beginning of the day (except for not being able to keep up with my sister on the walk to school, as I couldn't breathe; she got cross at me for being slow), and by the time I staggered home my dad immediately saw I was ill and let me take his place in the doctor's appointment he was luckily about to have. But still, sometimes you can't tell how bad things are!

Bebe

@Too Much Internet I told my nephew to "walk it off" one day, but apparently way too many people had been telling him that and he was sick of it, so he said, "No! YOU walk it off!"

And then I laughed in his face. Strangely enough, he still loves me.

DH@twitter

@Bebe

When I was nine I was bouncing on the bed, fell off, smashed my forehead against a desk, and my mom was like, Let's get a butterfly closure for your fountain of gushing blood! Of course, when I was five I tripped and fell facedown on the sidewalk and had two black eyes for a couple of weeks, so I guess she figured after that my head could handle anything.

She does say that re the black eyes, she was afraid to take me out in public because people would think she hit me.

Jenivere

@iceberg I told my mom that I needed to go to the ER for stomach pains once when I was in college, and she gave me a ride but said, "You know I'm missing Stargate for this!" Turns out I needed my gallbladder removed.

living internationally

@iceberg
Times my little brother broke his wrist while in my care over the weekend = 2
Times I noticed = 0

But in my defence,
Times my older doctor brother noticed = 1/2
Times actually injured brother seemed bothered by having a broken wrist = 0

TheDragon

@DH@twitter
I was running and doing somersaults onto the bed with my cousin and sister, and cousin had the brilliant idea to try it blindfolded. I went first. I missed the bed and landed on my head on the floor. I blacked out for at least a few minutes while they debated which was worse: Telling the family that I was knocked out, or leaving me without medical attention.
They decided that telling was worse.

mlle.gateau

@iceberg When I was in high school, I slipped in the bath one morning and broke one of my front teeth in half. My dad made me go to school with half a tooth until he could get me to the dentist. I was not a popular kid before that trauma, and it did little to aid my cause.

I should also add that while I was studying abroad in college, my aunt passed away, and rather than call me like a human being, my dad sent me an email to let me know. This email was essentially an obituary, and I had to read it like five times to figure out what the hell was going on, since I did not call my aunt by her given name. THANKS DAD.

Faintly Macabre

@Verity When she was seven, my sister spent about 3 months being told by our mother to stop whining and exaggerating her coughing. Turns out she had double bronchitis. Whoops! (My mom is actually a very caring/worrying sort normally, I promise!)

swirrlygrrl

@@serenityfound Haha - I was totally on a jump rope team in elementary! I went to competitions, and summer camp, and my team was on a telethon (we traveled like 2 hours to get there). I tried recently and can still do a few tricks.

cmonster

@iceberg In elementary school, my friend shot a soccer ball into the arm of the goalie. He fell to the ground crying while we teased him, "Get up, you big baby!" Broken arm. Oops.

Two weeks later, he fell out of his dad's truck and broke his OTHER arm. I blame brittle bones.

TheDragon

My mom also told my older sister to "quit being such a drama queen" about two seconds before she fainted and chipped her jaw on the church pew in front of her.
Actually. What happened next is way worse. It was like something out of a play. I will do my best to describe it. We were lined up in the pew from center aisle like: Dad (D), Me (K), Little sis (A), Big sis (E), Mom (M).
Mom: "Quit being such a drama queen"
E: faints. Thwacks chin.
M: catches her and tries to pull her onto pew, but can't quite get it.
K: Realize what is going on and reach out to help M.
A: Sees K reaching with both arms, thinks K is trying to hug her and hugs K.
K: Pats A on back, picks up A and moves her to the other side of K
D: Grabs K's hand as she moves A, and pulls her to the aisle to go up for communion.
K: "Dad, E"
D: "Hush. This is holy time"
K: "but dad!"
D: "HUSH" Gets host, and finally can't talk
K: "DAD. E fainted. Go help Mom"
D: "Why didn't you tell me?"
K: Head explodes
Priest: Looks amused.

koko

@iceberg When my little brother was about 6 or 7, he was playing kickball in the back yard and tripped over the ball, then broke his fall with his arm. My mom was up on the deck and started cracking up, and yelled over "Shake it off! What, do we need to go to the hospital or something? hahaha" at which point my dad informed her that one of my brother's arm bones was actually poking out of his skin. Turns out he broke both bones in his arm in 2 different places. My parents ended up spending the night in the ER with him, and the Dr. had trouble setting the bones, so they had to re-break his arm FOUR times! My mom felt so terrible. As payback, my brother has never let her live it down (he is 27 now).

winslow

@iceberg When I was in second grade, my dad sent me to school with a raging case of chickenpox that he insisted was "just a couple of bug bites". Three hours later, the nurse sent me home with a note for my dad that said, essentially, "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU"... because my father was a) her doctor, and also b) the doctor for like 90% of the people who live in my hometown. GO DAD.

JaneDoe

@nonvolleyball
My dad told me to shut up, stop crying, and sit down, or go to my room(I guess I was disrupting the movie he was watching), after my sister broke my wrist and I didn't know what was wrong with it. I went to my room. I was like, 8.

JaneDoe

@DH@twitter
CPS was actually called on my parents, because I constantly had new bruises, and my teachers thought they were beating me. Daily convo w/ Mom.
Mom:"What happened?! Where did this bruise come from? What did you do?"
Me:*looks at it*"I dunno." *shrugs and walks away*
Mom:*shakes head exasperated*

branza

@iceberg When I was a college freshman, my grandma very unexpectedly passed away. Instead of telling me and/or taking me to her funeral, my parents neglected to say anything for two weeks, until I was supposed to be PICKED UP BY HER for my fall break. Needless to say, she did not show up for that. They said they thought that it would stress me out during midterms. This was nine years ago and every time I think about it I still get a little mad.

finguns

@branza My mom did the same thing when my grandad died! I was already making a trip home on the day of the funeral, and she waited until I got out of the car -- an hour before the funeral! -- to tell me. Thank goodness I wasn't late.

Oh and also, not one but two of my grandparents died during exams my first year of law school. The school was very nice about letting me reschedule exams twice, but my grades probably suffered. So, on the one hand, fie on your parents for dictating your experience of grief, but on the other, you probably would have been stressed out during midterms.

Amphora

@The Kendragon Hahahahaaaa! This is holy time!

TheDragon

@Amphora
My dad has the zeal of the convert. All of us cradle Catholics in my family are like "church = excuse to dress pretty but it kind of sucks" Dad; "church = THIS IS HOLY TIME"

Xanthophyllippa

@The Kendragon Now I want a t-shirt that says "this is holy time" across the tits.

lisma

Oh #13. That is sort of an unforgivable thing to say.

Saaoirse

@ginalouise 13 is the worst thing.

Quinn A@twitter

@ginalouise Yeah, I think that one is probably the worst. "OH MY GOD CAT JAIL" cracked me up, though. And "what aesthetic?" is so completely a thing I would have said without thinking.

lisma

@Saaoirse It actually pains me to read it. It's so mean and so thoughtless.

hopelessshade

@ginalouise It is a wildly unforgivable thing to say. But it is also kinda a very college freshman thing to say.

allthepie

@ginalouise Yeah, that one's not that amusing, just straight horrible.

whateverlolawants

@ginalouise Yeah, I almost cried reading it, b/c people said some really stupid shit to my sister over the years as she struggled with an eating disorder. I'm not sure if it was ever on that level, though. #13 is definitely the worst and not amusing.

Also, that shouldn't have been pitted against #14, which is bad too. Not worse, but it should have made it to the 2nd round. The fact that it was said by a 4th grader is its redemption, I think.

Sydney C

@ginalouise

13 is so so terrible, but it reminds me of an amusingly wonderful thing I overheard. I was shopping at this cool store owned by this rad woman in her 60s. A young woman was talking to her about how she wore a size 0 and this happened:

Young girl: Yeah, I've just always been small. It's in my genes.

Rad lady: Give it time.

!!!

whateverlolawants

@whateverlolawants PS- I'm not trying to be too hard on #13... we've all said something awful. Obviously she knows it was bad. Hopefully not amusingly bad.

whateverlolawants

@Sydney C I don't know, that seems kinda mean. I mean, maybe girl was oblivious and annoying, so I get where rad woman was coming from. But if everyone in her family stays small over time, it probably is in her genes, and rad woman wouldn't know that.

Saaoirse

@whateverlolawants Yeah, no- whoever said it remembered it this long, and clearly knows how bad it is, so this shouldn't be about hating on her.

@whateverlolawants I think that whole "don't talk about other people's bodies unless you're very very close to them and it's about health" guideline is useful here.

harebell

@ginalouise Yes.
So is #6. That one makes my stomach drop. I wonder why it didn't make it any further.

Ten Thousand Buckets

@ginalouise 13 for sure. For some reason I thought it was between 5 and 15, and wanted to vote for 13 any way.

I know somebody who is naturally a size 2, and easily drops to a 0 if she forgets to eat dinner. She has this whole rant about how people are always worried about her weight and they'll come up and say "Oh my god, you're soooo skinny!" and it pisses her off because nobody ever does stuff like that to fat people. I've been able to keep my mouth clamped firmly shut, but it's not easy.

entangled

@ginalouise agreed. worst by far. I mean, I can understand how someone can be young and dumb and say it without realizing how hurtful and utterly wrong it is (eating disorders can and do happen at any size! denial of that fact only makes them worse). eek.

Ellie

@Ten Thousand Buckets My coworkers tease me about being thin (most of the people in my office are noticeably overweight) and it legit makes me feel bad because it embarrasses me and also because I hate the idea that other people might negatively compare their appearances to mine. (I used to have an eating disorder and have spent a lot of time like literally in tears over how much I hated my body, eating habits, etc.) BUT, I don't complain about this (I hope mentioning it here doesn't count as complaining) because, OBVIOUSLY.

I kind of really legitimately dislike the person who submitted #13. Sorry #13. Repent!

Saaoirse

@Ellie Sorry to keep coming back in on this thread- can you tell I'm trying not to write an essay?- but gosh, it is SO COMPLICATED. No-one should ever have to feel embarrassed or bad about their body, but everyone does, all the time. And because the media image of the perfect woman is small, it seems less bad to comment on thinness, because it has to be a complement, right? Except wrong, because then it gets to being about making thinner women feel bad to make fatter women feel better, which sucks just as much even though it happens less systematically. The problem is that we make it into a moral issue- it feels deeply and morally wrong to be fat, and being thin must make people feel like they're perceived as being smug. When people choose these things- and people choose both, although often it's not a choice- it also becomes political. When, jesus, it should not be.

Hellcat

@Ten Thousand Buckets Ugh, but this is, I've found, A Thing. Not so much anymore, but throughout my the majority of my adult life, I've dealt with acquaintances, coworkers, and even total strangers saying exactly that (and worse), unprovoked and often with a disgusted face (and sometimes a weird, almost Valley Girl inflection). Most of my family is on the skinny side (except for Uncle Wayne--he's a big one!) and, until my mid-30s, I barely broke 100 pounds. It was nothing I was doing on purpose yet people still had to say shit. Of course, some did it in "nice" ways, while others did not, but either way it felt tiresome, especially because I don't think I was running around making smalltalk about others' sizes. (Oops, except maybe that remark above about Uncle Wayne!)

I don't know if Size 0 Dinner-Forgetter is the type that sort of shoehorns the topic of her smallness into conversations for no apparent reason; if so, I can definitely see that being really annoying (because, oh boy, I know a few of those too). But her rant, I think, is a valid one in and of itself. I will add, though, that I also don't know about other people making remarks to larger people's faces or not (I know I wouldn't, to anyone, large, medium, or small), but I'm sure it happens all to often. My rambly point is that it's happened to me more times than I can count... and, strangely, in those exact words!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Ten Thousand Buckets I'll admit, I'm kind of like that. And it's probably really rude of me.
I used to be a little bit bigger, never fat or anything, just hopelessly average, and then I lost a few pounds (my eating habits changed because of really minor un-life-threatening health reasons) so now I guess I'm just skinny everywhere and not pear-shaped anymore, and people seem to love commenting on HOW THIN I AM as if I don't eat (which is not true), and tell me that I should drink more and cook all my food in bacon fat. Drinking and three meals of bacon may sound delicious, but I'm pretty sure it would be a bad idea. Or they ask me why I joined a gym, because I'm already so skinny! (I'm genetically predisposed to high blood pressure and heart disease, and I used to lose my breath just running across the street to make the bus?)
So, basically I think what I'm trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with our bodies, no matter what other people think, as long as we're taking care of them. Oh and that jokes about eating disorders are never funny.

Hellcat

@Rookie Those things do, in fact, sound delicious but I suspect one could ingest them right in front of the faces of certain people... who would still say, "You're so skinny; do you ever eat?" in an obnoxious, faux-nice-with-judgy-undertones voice.

TheDragon

@Hellcat
When I was in the best shape of my life (I ran every day and rode and trained horses) people would make comments on how unhealthy I was and how I should "eat a damn cheeseburger." I also grew 6 inches in 14 months that year, and would eat everything in sight. I think my mom worried she would go broke trying to feed me.

One of my XC teammates mom's told me that I "looked like an Auschwitz victim"

Hellcat

@The Kendragon JEEZALOU! The Auschwitz thing is just layered with wrong... like an onion of inappropriateness! And, holy hell, if I hear one more "Eat a [whatever]" (to me or a famous lady or anyone), I might slap everyone.

I had a coworker--in front of many other coworkers--all but outright accused me of bulimia because I... went to the bathroom to wash my hands after eating a bacon cheeseburger from Wendy's. Anyone who knows me knows that (A) I would never barf up my delicious Wendy's, and (B) certainly not in bathroom at my job; it's filthy in there! There was also a bossy (and loud) lady shopping in the Barnes & Noble where I used to work. She found a book on eating disorders in the self-help section and, with it, walked up to me, grabbed my arm, and proceeded to squawk about how "It's time to do something about this." I gave her a look of horror and she began stage-whispering, "You can tell me!" instead. This was just too weird! And, again, I was thin (and probably technically still am, but I've finally got some rounded grownup lady parts now) and a bit bony, but nothing that I thought was disturbing at that point. But I started to wonder eventually if I was gross or something... but then figured that, if anything was disturbing, it was the socially inept cretins who touch strangers in a bookstore.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@The Kendragon that's not even amusingly horrible. That's just straight-up horrible.

@Hellcat I mostly listen to their recommendations just because I love talking about food. I talk to my foodie coworkers about cooking shows. And, actually, come to think of it, the very girl who made the bacon-and-drinking recommendation made it while I was impatiently waiting for my food to arrive at a tapas bar. When I had a drink in my hand. But for all I know, she's got her own stuff to work out first. (For the record, I'm totally okay with putting some healthy weight back on, and am working on it.)

Hellcat

@Rookie Context and the relationship definitely make a difference too. Like my rude coworker was not my friend and was obviously being a jerk. But if one of my actual friends was worried or even just thought I might look better one way or the other, and mentioned it, that's more or less OK. Or even just jokey "move your bony ass" remarks... among friends! For that matter, I know that there are also some nice but sort of clueless people who maybe regard "skinny" as a synonym for "in shape" or "cute figure" (ha--the latter sounds so old-fashioned!), and those people mean no harm. Anyway... I am rambling again; I think your mention of delightful tapas-bar food distracted me... context, tone of voice, and lack of that snide voice beneath the "compliment" do wonders if people just simply can't resist remarking on stuff like this. Also, not bringing up an eating disorder in mixed company is probably a good strategy too.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Hellcat That's the funny thing. My close friends have never made those comments, probably because they know that I mostly know how to take care of myself. And we do our best to support each other's body hangups/diet stuffs/other things of the like.

Unless you're the "friend" who doesn't eat meat because it might not be organic and that's not fair to animals and elaborately explains to a waitress that you want the chicken salad without the chicken, and because you couldn't just say what you wanted, they accidentally bring you a salad with chicken and you pull a fit until they throw out the chicken (so much for reducing consumption) and then during dinner make a sarcastic comment about my friend who is hospitalized with an eating disorder. If you're that friend, you can go suck on a lemon.

yeah-elle

@ginalouise Just reading it made the bottom of my stomach drop out. The Worst, seriously. Even more so, because it doesn't seem like it was a mistake, a drunken blurt. It was just a thoughtless, cruel thing to say.

Hellcat

@Rookie OOOOH, she sounds like a... well, I'll just use that "popular" catch-all... a handful!

What I love about all of my friends is that if any of us were to say, for lack of a better example, "Do I look OK [fat, bony, pregnant, like Bea Arthur] in this?" we'd all know that the person is legitimately asking for an opinion, not a compliment or a lecture. In the same vein, if any of us asked if we needed to unload a few pounds, we'd assume s/he wanted a real answer. I do know a couple of people (men and women) who do that bitter thing when someone smaller makes a self-disparaging remark about a butt looking big in some pants or whatever--that whole "Oh, please!" thing as if you're fishing for compliments or bragging when you really just want to know if the pants are no good. Large or small, those are not good shopping buddies and they too can suck a lemon!

parallel-lines

@ginalouise Yeah, I'm with you. I can't watch Curb Your Enthusiasm for the same reason--reading these I was just like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

slutberry

@ginalouise Ergh. Once when I told a friend I had struggled with severe eating disorders all through highschool, she said, "But you weren't even skinny!"

parallel-lines

@sniffadee My mother once said something similar to my therapist when I got put into treatment for bulimia in high school. He just made this really sad face and looked at me knowingly, like, "Oh...this makes sense now."

slutberry

@parallel-lines Ugh, I know. Like the only danger of eating disorders is losing too much weight.

lisma

@parallel-lines oh my god, I feel like that is my life and my own therapist, but my therapist is a lady.

entangled

@parallel-lines that's better than the psychiatrist I was seeing for general anxiety disorders when my eating issues started getting really bad. when I mentioned that I was starting to feel overly consumed with the fact that I had lost a few pounds and getting overly obsessed with monitoring and restricting my eating, his response was that "yeah, it's really exciting when the weight starts to come off." a year or so later, when I was starting to recover, I mentioned that I noticed the same behaviors in a work friend who wore a size 0 or 2 (my mistake describing her in those terms). His response was that it was obviously a huge concern and maybe I should find some helpful but not pushy way of helping her. (I would have fired his ass, but I was moving in a few weeks anyway.)

and while I don't really like mentioning my own size (because what does it usually have to do with my point), I feel like here it's at least somewhat relevant that I was pretty small-sized myself when my therapist congratulated me on my obsessive food restriction.

ThatWench

@Hellcat "if I hear one more "Eat a [whatever]" (to me or a famous lady or anyone), I might slap everyone."

So, I want to ask more about this one, specifically re: famous people, and more specifically re: media-presented images of famous people. (Obviously, this would be a very very awful thing to say to/about people in our own lives.) I guess the question is: when does trying to be actively media literate when it comes to body image crossover to problematic body-bashing?

To back up, my premise includes the following: (A) entertainment/fashion industries will only present a certain, limited body type as "attractive", (B) some folks involved in entertainment/fashion engage in unhealthy behaviors to look like this limited body type, (C) plenty of energy goes into further making media-presented bodies look like this mythical "ideal" (camera angles, photoshop, wardrobing choices, etc) (D) which altogether creates a climate that fosters body-image insecurity in virtually every human being.

In response, I have been known to (among other things) actively call out places where I see this message coming through. And to some degree, I can see where one can draw a line between, "this media presentation of this body image is unhealthy" and "this media-presented body looks unhealthy" and say that the latter has strayed into problemmatic territory. But the issues are still so close together in my mind - especially if we know that some of those bodies *are* unhealthy - that I've probably spent my share of time on the "problemmatic" side of the line.

Is there a further distinction that can be made between saying (thinking) these things about the actual famous person and about a particular presentation of them? As in, "I'm not saying Jessica Alba necessarily needs more cheeseburgers in her diet, but this cover photo of her sure makes her look like it"?

I mean, I get that there's the problem of conflating food consumed with appearance, in addition to the problem of conflating appearance with health. I just... there is a relationship between the three (it's not a one-to-one, obviously), and I want to tease out where we've decided that the line is between "good" and "bad" sentiments/statements/actions around that fact.

(I hope I haven't crossed the line into saying something insesnitive/offensive/horrible here, but if I have, I trust the Hairpin commentariat to let me know in a nice way, because that is why I love this blog so.)

Ten Thousand Buckets

@Ellie, @Hellcat, @Rookie I can definitely see that comments on thinness could get annoying, especially if they're loaded with implications of problems. But as it's been mentioned, skinny is seen as good, and fat bad, so for a person who could stand to lose 10 pounds, listening to somebody complain about being thin is rough. I don't aim to diminish any of your feelings, but some people (my example, not you guys) really need to be more situationally aware. Of course, my person could use some situational awareness in regards to a lot of things.

I have a pretty healthy body image these days, but used to have a terrible relationship with food. Not to any eating disorder level, but there was a lot of shame wrapped up in consumption, which led to secret - and really fast - eating. So if I scarfed the one brownie and didn't get caught, I'd immediately go for another because I didn't enjoy the first one, as I was all wrapped up in panic and fear. It's easy to slip back into that headspace, and being told that any of my concerns about weight aren't valid because it's way worse to be skinny (because people always mention it) than fat (because only rude people mention it) is fairly horrid.

Hellcat

@Ten Thousand Buckets Oh, I hope I wasn't horrid; my point was just that the horrid does go both ways. Also, I'm guessing that the people who are horrid would find a topic to be horrid about no matter what the size or shape of their target. Now that I think about it, those people probably tend to be the ones who confuse "keeping it real" with having no sense of tact or minding one's own business.

Ten Thousand Buckets

@Hellcat Oh, no, no. You're fine. You guys are discussing issues up there, it's totally different from throwing yourself a pity party.

Ellie

@Ten Thousand Buckets Oh I totally know! Being skinny is definitely seen as good. I'm not complaining about being thin, it just really does make me feel bad to have attention called to me like that, and that it makes me think the people who do it feel bad about how they look, which makes me feel bad. I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to make myself sound like a saint or anything . . . I really feel that way! Not going to lie, I definitely want SOME people to think I look better than they do (e.g., girls I hate, romantic rivals) but never people I like. I was actually going to elaborate about how I would never complain about being thin because being thin is honestly so fantastic, but then I didn't want to contribute to the value judgment on thin=good which I know is not only wrong but hurtful. I do feel really lucky to be so happy with how I look, because for so long I was so UNhappy with it, and I "count my blessings" about it a lot. I know this sounds so talking-out-of-both-sides-of-mouth but I honestly DON'T GIVE A FUCK what other people look like and do not judge people by their weight, just personality and character. I just care a lot about what I myself look like, because I'm so vain. When I was more eating disorders I had very harsh standards for all women and I would constantly be judging like "She'd look better if she lost 5 pounds," even with attractive girls. I totally don't think that anymore - I have a much more holistic approach to finding other girls attractive. I'm not even really that thin (I think I'm pretty average - I'm a size 4/6) but I feel terrible saying that because I know a lot of people probably would say I was? And sometimes I feel like I still wouldn't mind losing 5 more pounds? I don't know. Argh!

Hellcat

@Ellie I think it's OK to feel lucky; feeling lucky is appreciating yourself as opposed not appreciating someone else because of something like weight (sort of; I don't know if I said that like I wanted to). Of course, it's OK to feel proud too, especially if you, by way of a conscious decision and some hard work, made some physical changes that you now feel lucky about (again, if that makes sense). Feeling lucky is certainly not necessarily feeling superior. I think maybe, in this weight-centric society, it's a difficult thing to comprehend that being happy with your appearance is not being "conceited"--you can feel lucky to have a nice apartment for cheap, you can feel lucky that you've got a job you love, or lucky that you're a really accomplished singer... but feeling lucky about being thinner/more conventionally attractive/taller/boobier/whatever than others might seem somehow wrong? Appreciating yourself is not bragging; bragging is bragging, you know? And non-jerks can do one with out the other. I don't know.

I do know that I feel lucky that, of all the things I have to deal with or think about regularly, weight isn't one of them, and I definitely can appreciate that some of my friends do have that extra thing to keep in mind--which is kind of why I know it's OK to feel lucky (because they said so!).

I feel like I just typed "lucky" 900 times!

Ellie

@Hellcat Thanks for the reply! I totally agree. My mom told me that when she was a socially conscious college student at Berkeley, the dad of the family friends she was living with once told her "You know Martha, it's not virtuous to be poor." Obviously there's more to it than that, but I definitely agree that it's ok to feel grateful for what you've got, and pleased with yourself if you got it through hard work (or just lucky/appreciative if you didn't) if you're not bragging or a jerk or whatever.

entangled

@Ellie I love what that guy said. We're so obsessed with conflating moral value on things that are in and of themselves morally neutral. It is not virtuous to be poor OR rich and so many people think one or the other makes someone an inherently better person. The same sort of moral weight gets conflated with thinness all the time.

whateverlolawants

@Hellcat I totally relate to what all of you are saying. I see it like this: being female-bodied, I face disadvantages in terms of people feeling like they can just comment on my body, like my body is an object, etc. Within the female-bodied community, also, there is a privilege, and having some kinds of smaller bodies confers some privilege on their owners- i.e., people will still give you shit, but they won't treat you in the egregious, specific ways they might treat a larger woman.

So we all have legit complaints with the ways people approach our bodies, and some of them are specific to being a small woman, or being considered attractive. I believe that large women are treated worst and given the least advantages. Within the heavily-scrutinized hierarchy of female bodies, they get the shortest end of the stick. We should all be sensitive to that, and I can tell everyone here is.

All that said, there is a world of specific, stupid shit people say to small women, and I've heard a lot of it, and I don't like it for a lot of reasons! Even "compliments" are made at the expense of other body types, and it sounds like none of us like that.

Xanthophyllippa

@Hellcat Bea Arthur just made me laugh out loud, because I have a colleague who dresses like Dorothy Zbornak (only less colorfully) and I refer to her as "Bea" to another colleague when we bitch about her.

crisisalert

Oh my god the face lift one.

Bebe

@crisisalert This makes me feel sooo much better for the time I pointed out to my mother that her grays were showing and it was time for her to go to the salon. At least I didn't tell her to get surgery!

VendingMachine

@crisisalert When my mom turned 40, I sent her a dozen yellow roses and a mylar balloon that said "Wrinkles are God's way of stepping on your face." I was 19 (and a little jerkbutt). I'm still apologizing for that one.

Slight Joy
Slight Joy

I spit out my tea laughing reading #9.

oboe-d-amore

@ Yeah, I literally laughed out loud at that one.

redheaded&crazy

OH MY GOD HAVE NOT MADE IT PAST NUMBER THREE BUT I CANNOT BE LAUGHING THIS HARD AT WORK

number three whoever you are i love you and want to be your friend

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie oh my god number four

MoonBat

@redheaded&crazie #3 is the winner, in absolute hysterics!

JessicaLovejoy

@teenie Really, after recently responding to "Why do you love me?" with "..........", I feel like I could have at placed in this, if give the chance!

JessicaLovejoy

@JessicaLovejoy "at least placed in this, if given the chance." Good corrections for English time!

noodge

@JessicaLovejoy ...how did this end up above my comment, when you were responding to my comment?
HAIRPIN MAGIX!

whizz_dumb

@JessicaLovejoy I'm more offended by the "Why do you love me?" question than your answer. That is one of the worst fishing for compliments possible. I think I'd respond with something smartass or awful. "I don't know, why is the sky blue? Chemistry? I...didn't mean 'I don't know'. Boy am I dumb." And then I'd start listing all these things that are awesome about her but the damage would be done and I'd be back on the trail to singleness.

ThatWench

@whizz_dumb I think it could be asked from a place of self-confidence and security without being terribly offensive. I mean, if you assume your partner's first response will be deer-in-headlights, and having a hard time putting words on it, and maybe that will also be your partner's last response. Maybe asking it is a round about way to a sentiment more like, "what is it that is making this relationship one worth having, in your eyes?"...

...but as the askee, it's hard to know that your partner is coming at it from that angle.

noodge

...are there casting calls for these? and have I really missed every one?

redheaded&crazy

@teenie i knooooooooooow right?!

baklava!

@teenie I am so full of regret at missing out on the boss one.

noodge

@baklava! so ARE there casting calls for these? I'm really asking?

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@teenie I submitted FIVE quotes from the same horrible ex-boss and not a single one made it onto that bracket! I don't know if they were lacking in horrible-ness or amusing-ness.

dj pomegranate

@quickdrawkiddo But how did you know to submit in the first place?!

baklava!

@teenie I just saw a link on the Boss one that was all like 'next: Amusingly Horrible Things Strangers Have Said. Submit!' This one doesn't have one though!

thebestjasmine

@teenie I know, seriously. Is there a secret PinSignal that goes out that no one has clued us into?

whatsherface

@teenie I don't know how I could've missed them all too...I would have CLEANED. UP. on the boss one.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@dj pomegranate Some of them have had those "next up: this kind of amusingly horrible thing!" postscript like @baklava! mentions. In fairness, I would probably not have had the balls to submit anything to this one as I am on a constant quest to forget all the horrible things I've said (and I'm too full of shame to find any of them amusing).

bangs
bangs

@teenie They all had "submit" links at the bottom of them. This one doesn't, as it says it is the final installment.

baklava!

@bangs Ohhh... reading carefully!

maebyfunke

One time, ages ago, I was with a group of friends and a guy one of them had been hooking up with was brought up. Somehow it came into my mind to say, "Yeah, but he had no idea how easy you'd be." Amusingly horrible. Do not even understand how that came out of my mouth!

sox
sox

@maebyfunke Last summer I was about to go home with a guy I'd been dating on and off (and was blindly in love with),and my friend, who wasn't even drunk, said "Come ON sox, you saw He's Just Not That Into You."

If only I could have entered this on her behalf...

maebyfunke

@sox Omg... tell me it was at least not in front of him.

sox
sox

@maebyfunke Luckily no, but it did take awhile for me to warm back up to her. Unfortunately she's having a rough dude time right now and I just keep reminding myself that she really needs my support because I've been there and know how it SUCKS.

mirror_father_mirror

@maebyfunke My old roommate, upon hearing that I was pretty sure my ultra-conservative religious parents assumed I was still a virgin, replied, "Reeeally?!? But you're kind of a slut!"

(I can't say I was offended. Now that I'm old and have settled down, I look fondly back on that particular Slutty Summer.)

Megasus

Oooh I think 13 takes it.

New Commenter Name

I vote for 13.

4 - this is terrible, but can I admit here that this cracked me up?
6 - cringe cringe cringe, I can totally imagine myself saying something like that. I have -what is that German word?- sympathy embarrassment? secondary embarrassment? for the person who actually said that.

Also, I have said some horrible things. I should have submitted something.

nonvolleyball

@crane your neck no, that's not right--schadenfreude would be like, "oh, thank god other people are more awkward than I am." maybe just straight-up empathy?

Antonius Block

@Curiouser and curiouser Fremdschämen? (Schadenfreude is taking pleasure in someone else's misfortune, which I don't think is quite what you're getting at.)

Anji

@nonvolleyball I usually call it "secondhand embarrassment".'

Also, infinite sympathy to #6. My brother did something similar in high school and has never forgiven himself.

whateverlolawants

@Anji I said something even worse than #6 to a friend, totally by stupid accident. I haven't forgiven myself either, even though the guy still seems happy to see me.

Faintly Macabre

@Curiouser and curiouser My college team's socially inept coach was infamous for yelling at a girl who was sort-of cheating on another team and getting angry that she seemed to be ignoring him. Finally she turned to him and said, "I'm DEAF."

He also spent a "pep" talk telling the team to prepare to spend most of the day losing. Actually, we could probably make an entire 32-item list from him alone.

Heike

@Curiouser and curiouser "fremdschämen" but I see someone has already said it. No matter! I'm feeling it for nearly all of the 16 sentences.

butter-milk

@Curiouser and curiouser
came out of lurkerdom to say...IT IS CALLED FONTRUM!!!

fuck fuck fuck

@Faintly Macabre ahhh one of my very good friends is deaf and has a cochlear implant, which has a green blinking light on it. we went to the movies a few months ago, and a guy told him in a really douchey tone to get off his cell phone (what kind of phone has a blinking light on it...and is not used for talking, only for holding up to your head??). i love when my friend gets to pull out "I'M DEAF!" unfortunately if you're really good friends with him eventually it will get pulled out on you.

werewolfbarmitzvah

CAT JAIL! I love it!

lostinautocorrect

CAT JAIL! Yes. Though 16 for my serious answer.

causedbycomma

I actually have a lot of respect for #10. Is that bad?

ilikemints

@causedbycomma Yeah, me too. Lady was acting pretty foolhardy.

beeline96

@causedbycomma As someone who gives up and waits for the next T to avoid getting out of breath when the train inevitably leaves seconds before I get there... I think I'm with you on this one.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@causedbycomma I thought the same thing! People who don't know how to act on/around the subway make me see red, especially when they endanger others.

Blackwatch Plaid

@beeline96 As someone who has forced the T doors open and pissed off others on the train, I relate to that lady. It's sort of fun to be all dramatic and fling them open like Aragorn.

Ophelia

@causedbycomma I think #10 in my head all the time.

carolita

@ilikemints What was she gonna tell her grandkids when she got killed after being dragged through the tunnel? "Yes, grammy's dead because she's one of THOSE people, little Johnny."

Nutmeg

@beeline96 Do you hate the people squeezing on while the driver makes 8 loud announcements about how this one crowded train is followed by 4 more trains, all going the same way, people? Because I do.

carolita

@Nutmeg once a conductor made the best announcement. He said, "folks, there's another train right behind this one with wall to wall carpeting and cable TV."

Ellie

@beeline96 I will. not. run for a train or bus no matter how close I am to it. I find it super undignified. Even if I can tell it's going to pull away if I don't run I still won't do it. This might be a really stupid philosophy.

KatPruska

@carolita A conductor on the 3 train made an impassioned plea for humanity each time the doors opened: "Please, folks, be kind to your neighbors. If you let your friends off of the train before you step onto the train we can all be moving right along. Please, be kind to each other." All crisply and deliberately enunciated. Either we were on his last.good.nerve or he had reached some higher level of zen conductor enlightenment.

(Also, I have not forgotten you re-nyc social anxiety picnic!)

carolita

@KatPruska I always wonder if train conductors are about to lose their shit when they're super-nice. Or maybe they're just beginners, all idealistic. I once met a train conductor, a driver, actually. She drove the B train, I think. I met her at a WNYC meetup a few years ago. She was very nice.

Ellie

After watching Kontroll I now compulsively imagine elaborate backstory for the employees of all public transit systems.

Nutmeg

@carolita I LOVE that. Riding public transportation alone for the last year+ has caused me to fall in love with MBTA employees by accident ("this train is a BRAINTREE TRAIN BRRRRRRAINTREE, GOING TO BRAINTREE")

slutberry

@Nutmeg And the lady who says "Mass Eyeee and Eeeear Infirm'ry!" at Charles MGH!

my new city has a desperately superior subway system, in cleanliness, noise, and efficiency, but damned if I don't miss the T.

dj pomegranate

@KatPruska I was on the train in DC once on a busy weekend where there were for some reason a lot of big groups of like, HS or college aged kids traveling on the Metro. The trains have three doors per car, but these groups of kids would all try to cram in the same door together, thus slowing everyone down and causing general disruption. Finally the driver had had enough and made a clear, slow announcement: "May I have your attention. Please use all available doors to enter and exit the train. If you use all available doors, you will all end up on THE SAME PLATFORM. I repeat, YOU WILL ALL END UP ON THE SAME PLATFORM, you will just be ten feet apart from each other. I promise that you will be able to find each other on the platform after you have exited the train using ALL AVAILABLE DOORS."

yrouttasight

@Nutmeg I've been on the train with that guy! I think he says Braintre at least 50 times before closing the doors. God help you if you are on the train expecting to go to Ashmont after that.

EternalFootwoman

@dj pomegranate I do adore the Metro drivers, particularly when they snark on tourists and field trips (because I am terrible). I figure that if you don't say funny things, it might be a fairly repetitive job.

Xanthophyllippa

@carolita The ONLY time I'm super-nice is when I"m about to lose my shit. I'm not a conductor, though.

Gertrude

I recently implied to a (rather short) male friend that he could probably pick up some dapper sweaters at Crewcuts. I am a jackass.

ayo nicole

@Gertrude But that is so FUNNY.

carolita

@Gertrude crewcuts has some cool stuff, which is why they piss me off -- make them in my size or don't send me that catalogue, jcrew!

anachronistique

@Gertrude "There's a boys' sale at Dillards today!" "What kind of boys?"

Lu2
Lu2

I'm glad #10 didn't make it to the finals. I can sort of see that! I mean, it probably came from that scared/angry place where you yell at a kid for doing something stupid and dangerous before hugging them in relief. Only I wouldn't want to hug the rich lady with the shopping bags after yelling at her.

carolita

@Lu2 YOU're glad? I'm glad! ;) But I'd never hug that overprivileged biddy. I'd have to step on her shopping bags a little before scolding her some more. THEN I might hug her. Honestly. You don't just stick your arm in a doorway when your arm is as thin and fragile as an old bird's leg.

QuiteAmiable

Number 4.

_questingbeast

@QuiteAmiable I sort of think 4 is hideously awkward but not really horrible? I'm not sure 'they're deaf' would occur to me straightaway either. But then, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

Note to self: if I ever go deaf, mess with people by telling them I'm 'deafanese'

hopelessshade

@Too Much Internet Except that then you'd have post-lingual deafness (thx wiki) and as such, would already know how to speak. It wouldn't be Joey from West Wing, it'd be your old grandfather without his hearing aids.

Ophelia

@Too Much Internet Or you could just walk around loudly saying things like "DUE TO THE UNFREEZING PROCESS, I HAVE LOST MY INNER MONOLOGUE."

Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook

Me just last week while discussing the most white trash names with a co-worker: "For a guy, definitely Danny........I mean.....like people call you Dan, but that's ok. You know, like someone's uncle Danny. You know!"
Followed by anxious laughter and trying to pretend like I did it on purpose.

Lily Rowan

@Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook I totally talked shit about a "white trash" name to my grandmother once. A man's name that (a) her name is the female version of, and (b) she gave to her son as a middle name. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

highfivesforall

@Lily Rowan Ugh, this is why I never like talking about name connotations with people. They vary wildly from person to person, and yet we hold onto them so strongly, myself included! It's way too easy to offend people.

Lily Rowan

@highfivesforall Or, take a tip from me and Kerri up there, and don't insult names to the faces of people who have those names!

highfivesforall

@Lily Rowan That would certainly avert most of the difficulty, but you never know if someone's mom has your most hated name, or, even worse, one of their children. Not worth it! (I say this from, uh, experience.

DrFeelGood

@Lily Rowan haha. I once said to my german in-laws, "I mean ROLF, who names their kid ROLF, for christ sakes... like ROLF THE DOG"? Of course, Rolf is a very common German name.

Anji

NGL, I can't honestly say that I completely disagree with #10. I see this kind of shit on the DC Metro all the time and I'm just like "...is losing a limb/getting smushed worth making the train when there's another literally three minutes behind this one?" (Seriously! There are signs everywhere that tell you when the next train is coming! It's not some kind of mystery!) However, I've also never seen it get to quite the same panic-inducing level where the train might actually take off with a person still trapped in the doors, thankfully. But then again, even that seems kind of mild based on my experience commuting in from Maryland this morning, wherein I had to board an Amtrak train directly from the MARC in the rain, rather like a bizarrely well-appointed lifeboat in the middle of Baltimore County. I guess it's good that I decided to wear boots instead of flats today.

#9 is basically the funniest thing I've read all day. CAT JAIL.

Anji

@Anji I should note that my commuter experience this morning did actually involve someone jumping in front of the train I was on, and I've been trying to get the sound of the air brakes + the giant thump out of my head all day.

whateverlolawants

@Anji Oh my lord... I've always been so scared that will happen when I ride a train. I ALWAYS look for jumpers/pushers. My condolences that you experienced that. Awful.

Anji

@whateverlolawants I'm glad I didn't actually see anything, since I was in the fourth car. Honestly, I'm mostly bothered because of the effect it's had on the train crew, who still managed to be totally professional and handled it all with sensitivity, despite being visibly upset. Thank you, though.

leastimportantperson

@whateverlolawants Oh my sweet god I never thought about PUSHERS.

spoondisaster

@Anji I remember reading somewhere that train engineers have a high rate of suicide/depression and also pretty short careers because of the frequency of people committing suicide by jumping in front of trains. It's horrible. I'm sorry you had to be there for that.

whateverlolawants

@Anji I can't imagine how they pulled it together after that. Poor folks. Really sad.
@leastimportantperson I've seen two harrowing scenes in movies/TV that I never could get out of my head.
@spoondisaster I've wondered about that before. I feel really bad for them... just trying to do their jobs and having all that happen.

Anji

@spoondisaster, @whateverlolawants Yikes, I think I read the same thing once. I know it's a huge problem in Japan, with all the high-speed commuter trains there. I was glad to see this morning that there was an entirely different crew on the train, which hopefully means my usual crew has been given some time off.

redheaded&crazy

you know, for all the dumb things i've said in my life, i'm strangely drawing a blank. i think this is one of those "viewing the past through a rosy lens" things.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@redheaded&crazie Lucky...I can still remember all the racist/mysogynistic/insensitive/otherwise crud I spewed during high school and the first couple years of uni. **cringe**

ilikemints

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) Me too :S

swirrlygrrl

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) This. This a million times. Particularly as a (white, straight, able-bodied) Marxist feminist in women's studies. The number of times I just dismissed the perspective of women of colour in particular for not getting on my version of the feminist trolley is horrifying.

redheaded&crazy

@swirrlygrrl oh guys by drawing a blank i meant "i can't think of any that I wouldn't be far too embarrassed to even share here. even me (dedicated oversharer). even here."

slutberry

@redheaded&crazie I once told my sister, who was super shy, had just started going to school after homeschooling her whole life, and took everything Very Seriously, "It's no wonder you don't have any friends!"

Ugh. We were pretty awful to each other back in the day.

melis

I HAVE INFINITE COMPASSION FOR EVERY SINGLE ENTRANT

redheaded&crazy

@melis i bet you ARE every entrant. 14 in particular i can picture

melis

@redheaded&crazie Shows how much you know, none of those are even in allcaps or italics so how could it be me??

redheaded&crazy

@melis touché i'll take "amusingly horrible things melis has said" for a follow-up post ... but it better be fucking seeded!!!

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie confession: i had to look up the definition of what seeding is

melis

@redheaded&crazie We can start here.

frigwiggin

@redheaded&crazie I still don't know what it means because I'm too lazy to open a new tab and type the first two letters of Wikipedia in the search bar.

PistolPackinMama

@melis ME TOO.

(I made a felon cry once.)

sarah girl

I got the reverse of #5, when my normally wonderfully supportive mother told me to consider Botox! I was 24.

baklava!

@Sarah H. My also normally wonderfully supportive mother bought me a bar of (French) soap and 'French Women Don't Get Fat' for my birthday one year. Whoops!

dj pomegranate

@Sarah H. My mom also suggested that to me. I was 26.

The Lady of Shalott

@Sarah H. My lovely mother started suggesting I consider plastic surgery at age 11.

Why??? Why do they do this?

Fodforever

@Sarah H. "You'd be pretty if you got a nose job." -My mother to me at 19.

Needless to say I was well into my 20s before I owned my sweet beak.

anachronistique

@Sarah H. My mom actually started getting Botox for her migraines, and her eyebrows now do this weird Jack Nicholson thing. It's a little scary.

ilikemints

I like how #16 has no context.

SarahP

@ilikemints I think that one was my favorite.

julia

@SarahP Why is it not the worst one? It is clearly the worst one.

Reginal T. Squirge

@julia Yes. Clearly.

veryanonymous

@julia Well, I think that's why the context is important. What if the friend had just admitted to cheating? Or stalking? Or yelling at the cat to stop purring?

Kitty

I once told my friend who wearing an awful fake fur hat (awful to me), "I can't wait until hat season is over". That totally slipped out and was probably the worst thing I've ever said.'

themegnapkin

@Kitty If that's the worst thing you've said, you are lucky!

slutberry

@Kitty One time I saw a girl with this slouchy beige hat on and it was ALLL I COULD DO not to walk over and say, "Excuse me, do you have any idea how much your hat looks like a foreskin?"

EpWs

CAT JAIL

sharkburp

My friend and I are looking at our facebooks, making fun of all the dumb photos of people and this slips out of my mouth "none of my friends are as trashy as yours"..... Needless to say she was pissed for some time.

melis

@sharkburp I refuse to believe that someone with your handle and avatar combo doesn't have trashy friends (is it too late to get nominated for this contest?).

sharkburp

@melis drunk lindsay lohan is mildly offended.

beanie

@sharkburp I told my boyfriend that his family was "white trash with money". Still haven't lived it down.

noodge

convo between myself and a lady who is close friends with Mr. Teenie's crazy ex...
me: so, how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?
lady: 29
me: (because COME ON, everyone in their 30's says they're 29, and there's no way those wrinkles could be there if you're actually 29) HAHAHAHA SHUT UP! no really?
lady: no, really, i'm 29
me: HAHaha...? oh... WOW, you look.... GREAT I totally thought you were like, 27?
lady: (seeing completely through my BS) mmmhmmm.

spanglepants

@teenie I don't say I'm 29! I say I'm 32. (I'm actually 31, but apparently wishing my life away.)

Oh, squiggles

Idea! Tell I everyone, all the time, loudly, that I am 15years older than I actually am. And I just look that fucking fabulous...

carol0626

@Awesomely Nonfunctional My grandmother always said that if you're going to lie about your age, tell people you're older than you are so they think you look great. I can barely remember how old I actually am so I inadvertently lie about my age all the time.

slutberry

@spanglepants When I was very very small I used to tell people "When I was 32 I had a son named Billy and he ate up all the blueberries so I spanked him a thousand times and flushed him down the toilet."

I frequently have to bite my tongue in order not to say that whenever I hear "32".

Gracefully and Grandly

I was just thinking that I missed the amusingly horrible things people said tournaments and voila! Here it is! I think number 3 is my favorite (are we allowed to have favorites?) I want to say 13 is the winner which is just horrible. But then again, it depends what those face lift gestures were (if the gesture was more extreme is 5 a dash more amusing than plain horrible?)

TheUnchosenOne

Once, after I got dumped (like seriously minutes afterwards) I was talking to a friend about it on the phone and his mom basically said number 16 about me. When he told her he was on the phone with me, she said she was glad she didn't say it louder. Later that night I was at his house hanging out and we made a big deal about it without ever coming right out and saying I knew what she said, and she seemed kind of mortified. I soon got a very nice hand-written apology in the mail.

JessicaLovejoy

Lay off the poor guy, he was only sent there on charges of puuuurjury.

Ophelia

@JessicaLovejoy And for pooping in the witness box.

Reginal T. Squirge

@JessicaLovejoy Reduced from second-degree meowder

redheaded&crazy

let's be real, haven't we all at least thought #16 once in our lives?

Scandyhoovian

@redheaded&crazie seconded!

slutberry

@redheaded&crazie It's usually, "OH GOOD HE LEFT--- aww, I'm so sorry!"

I have a couple of friends who have been together for years and I would be SO HAPPY if he ever finally left her because she is awful to him. And she was my friend first. Until she was too awful to him.

mpdg

I misunderstood the title and thought that one person had said all of these things. I was dying.

13!!!

Gracefully and Grandly

Also, I think we all know where that cat-hating husband from yesterday's Ask a Married Dude needs to go...

fabel

Maybe I'm a horrible person, but I thought all of these were firmly in the "amusingly horrible" category. So, now I want to see the rest (the ones that weren't incuded). I don't care how horrible they are!

fabel

Oh, and um, voting. 16!!

rocknrollunicorn

@fabel I am completely with you on this. I mean, the majority of these were thoughtless but said without malice. I want some REALLY BAD ONES, please.

candybeans

@fabel i sort of want to meet all these people! (the speakers, that is.) They sound pretty great.

Hot Doom

@fabel yep. ALL HILARIOUS.

redheaded&crazy

ladies do you ever feel like there's a time of the month when you are excessively full of mirth and can't stop laughing at anything (opposite PMS)? because that is my day, right here, on the hairpin

noodge

@redheaded&crazie

hot! hot! hot! hot! hot!

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@redheaded&crazie Once upon a Friday afternoon I read the Reading Between the Texts column and started laughing... and just could not stop. After about twenty minutes of sitting at my desk laughing like a maniac, I realized there was no end in sight to my giggle fit and had to bodily remove myself from my chair.

Today, alas, I am not having that problem :(

i make lists

@quickdrawkiddo When my 100 year old great-grandpa died, he had an open casket. My sister and I went up together to see him, and I noticed that he had an adorable old man cardigan on, so I said, "I like his sweater." My sister laughed, which caused me to laugh...and I just couldn't stop! I had to pretend I was crying.

I still feel kind of bad about it.

planforamiracle

@redheaded&crazie I have nicknamed that psycho-happy-mirth-jolly feeling "being Roger the Rancher" because, DUH, jolly roger + jolly ranchers. If I'm in an excessively gleeful mood, and just about to calm down from a laugh attack, my boyfriend calls me Roger the Rancher and then I'm off in giggle land all over again.

Xanthophyllippa

@redheaded&crazie Yes - last Friday, when I accidentally thwapped myself in the head while trying to raise the passenger seat in my friend's car back up after I'd had it down so I could rummage around the my bag (in the backseat) and the seat came flying up so quickly it almost knocked me into the dashboard. I laughed for 20 minutes straight.

Tuna Surprise

I think 14 is the worst! Somewhere there is an adult who is haunted by this message and has told his/her therapist that they would go to school on every Saturday and Sunday just to have another hour with their dad.

I'm nominating my friend A--- who said to me (after find out I was getting divorced): "Have you ever considered that he never loved you in the first place"? Well, A---, as a matter of fact, I haven't ever thought about that before now. Thanks for planting that seed in my head!

melis

It really was a tuna surprisingly hurtful thing for her to say.

noodge

@Tuna Surprise yeah, people say the worstest sometimes in divorce situations. I had a couple of friends ask me, after my ex started seriously and monogomously dating really quickly (2-3 weeks) after the end of our 10 year relationship: "do you think he was cheating on you when you were still together?"

what is wrong with people?

harebell

@teenie People are amazing.

One or two weeks after my father died, a friend of mine told me her parents were divorcing because her dad was unfaithful. Then, she says to me, one-on-one, "It would be better if he were dead instead."

Uhhhhhhhhh no.

Tuna Surprise

@melis
It was hurtful, but nothing that a good fish-based pun can't fix!

EternalFootwoman

@harebell I had a middle-school friend who told me she thought I had it much easier than she did because my father was dead (hers was a deadbeat who spent very, very little time with her). Nice.

Faintly Macabre

In high school gym class, my very sensitive/dramatic friend was telling a group of us how her mother made the family wear red on a certain day of the year in memory of her dead grandfather (I think).

Me: "Why? I mean, it's not like he cares anymore."

She told me I was horrible and left gym class to cry for the rest of the period. (We did make up later, though!)

jaimie

@Faintly Macabre Haha I love this, it's something I would think but probably not say. But I did something similar recently when my (very old, long-ill, long-suffering) grandfather died and my mom was telling me about the simple, no-frills grave side service they were going to have for him. I said something like, that's what he would have wanted because I'm pretty sure he was an atheist (I remember him saying once after he got sick that he didn't believe in god). My mom isn't super religious, but she is enough that I think the idea of him not believing (and thus going to hell?) really upset her.

jaimie

@jaimie Oh and on a lighter note, this also reminded me of one time when my boyfriend and I were hanging out with a friend of his who has Asperger's, whose dad died fairly recently. He mentioned that he was wearing a shirt that used to be his dad's, and added, "Might as well, not like he could use it anymore!"

MoxyCrimeFighter

@jaimie I would absolutely say that, and as far as I know, I do not have Asperger's.

My siblings and I do this thing wherein if we see something we like belonging to our parents, we dibs it. We call it "final fives."

EternalFootwoman

@jaimie I would definitely have made both the comment about wearing red for the dead grandfather (and also rolled my eyes extensively when she cried) and about the dead father's shirt. I attribute this to my very low level of emotional sensitivity and lack of sentimentality about death.

Or I'm just an awful person.

Sierra Charlie

Years ago in the early stages of our relationship, my boyfriend made soup from scratch for me for dinner. The first thing out of my mouth after a taste was, "Wow, this tastes like it came out of a can!" I meant that it tasted professionally made, it really was meant as a compliment. We still laugh about that one.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Sierra Charlie Heehee! Definitely more amusing than horrible :)

baklava!

Oh no, I just remembered mine (I hope they never read this)... there was this poster I had thought for months looked JUST LIKE my friend's dad. One day he was driving us sort of nearby and I made him take a detour to see the uncanny resemblance. I gleefully pointed it out--"there you are! isn't that CRAZY?!" and then after it was silent in the car I realized how hurtful it might be to point out how much someone looks like an illustration of Gollum. What was I thinking.

BoozinSusan

@baklava! Commence the desk giggling...

Scandyhoovian

My lord, I was cracking up really hard by #3 and it just got worse and worse. And I'm still at work. Best post ever.

Also, I maintain that probably most awful thing I've ever said to someone is either that time I told someone "Just fucking come already" during a particularly disappointing drunken hookup, or it's the time that I got so fed up with a bad setup that I actually leaned to my mother -- WITHIN EARSHOT OF THE GUY -- and told her "don't get attached to this one" when I was forced by circumstance to bring him to their house to meet them when I hadn't intended to introduce them at all.

Atheist Watermelon

@Scandyhoovian hahahaha!!! You're my HERO for saying that first one. I have totally almost said that to several guys. Who told them lasting longer was always a good thing?!

branza

@Scandyhoovian There was this guy I dated for two months, who for the second month of us dating thought I was cheating on him. After he dumped me over AIM I just typed I SHOULDA CHEATED ON YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE

PS I feel like I was justified!
PPS What 24 year old dumps someone on AIM?!

heyhaley

I was driving a few of my friends downtown and started ranting about how much I hate this certain kind of purse that's really popular at our college. Just going off about it for no reason whatsoever. "Like, they're not even cute at all, I don't GET it!" Friend, from the backseat: "Oh, you mean like the one that's in my lap right now?" She reads the Hairpin and is somehow still my friend. Hi Nikki! I like it on YOU!

suiterkin

@heyhaley VERA BRADLEY??? Burn them all!

heyhaley

@suiterkin Not even! That would have made more sense! They're the sort of plain, yet expensive looking totes with a brown leather handle? Longchamp Le Pliage, I think? See, they're not even bad. But every. single. girl has the same one which is what induced my disproportionate rage, I think.

elmephants

@heyhaley I'm so glad I'm not the only one who doesn't understand that trend! They're so boring and they look like something you'd get free with a purchase of something else. I completely understand your rage.

EternalFootwoman

@heyhaley I know exactly the bag! I discovered their existence when I went to grad school in a city where approximately 87% of women carry this bag. I was in total shock the day I discovered how much they cost.

jeffersonia

It's obviously 13! No contest. Mothers don't care what you say to them because they BEEN knowing you're an asshole.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

#13 is the worst...hands down. "It's in my genes" just adds the finishing touch, like WTH.

mynamebackwards

I was at jo-ann fabrics with a friend once and the slow-as-molasses girl at the fabric cutting counter was going on and on to her coworker about how led zeppelin was her favorite band and she showed the girl her new jimmy page button and said, "this is robert plant. he's an amazing singer" to which I said, "don't you mean jimmy page? also, he is their guitarist" and she mumbled something, TOTALLY embarrassed, so of course I didn't stop there and said "but they're your favorite band, right?"

ugh. I am an asshole.

ilikemints

@mynamebackwards You are fantastic.

Anji

@ilikemints Agreed. You can never put someone in their place enough when it comes to the Zep.

TheJacqueline

@mynamebackwards oh my god this is the reason I get all paranoid and nervous when people ask me what kind of music I like. I just know songs!! I can't tell you everyone's name!

Oh, squiggles

@TheJacqueline Yes! me: "I like music...you know, the stuff that sounds good?"

spoondisaster

@mynamebackwards Oh god, probably the meanest thing I've ever done/said is music related as well. I was at a Halloween party last fall, not dressed up, and was making conversation with strangers because it was a kind of fratty party and I only knew the person who brought me. I asked a dude in a sweater vest and a button down what he was dressed as and when he said "no one, just wearing my regular clothes." I said "oh, you could be Morrissey!" and he said "who?" And when I said "you know, Morrissey? the Smiths?" and I got a blank stare and at that point I was so flabbergasted (I was drunk and cranky) that I said "uh, the post-punk proto-emo late 80s/early 90s English band? no? seriously?"

Since then I've learned to keep my mouth shut and also not to go to fratty parties.

Emma Peel

@Awesomely Nonfunctional ha, this is me. I wonder if there will ever be a point when I can just admit that I like having music on sometimes but I am not and will never be a Music Person? My first boyfriend (I was 18) told me once he nearly got over his crush on me when I told him I didn't listen to much music. (In retrospect this may have been a better outcome for everyone involved; he was a juicebox.)

Does Axl have a jack?

@spoondisaster Not the most horrible thing I've ever said, but certainly one of the most musically pretentious, to a wee Hot Topic salesgirl who pointed out the band t-shirt sale to me: "Nah, I wouldn't wear the shirt of any bands whose shirts you would sell here."

BoozinSusan

@armyofskanks amazing.

Lacey 1211@twitter

My dear, delicate flower of a father reportedly said to my mom, in the er, while she was in labor with me, in the middle of a contraction, to "quiet down, it can't hurt that bad, you're causing a scene." Her response was to bite him on the shoulder, he needed stitches. He also also once got down on his knees and danced around her after she slipped in a puddle on a dance floor. Turned out she had broken her arm so badly that the bone was sticking out. Ah, dad. At least I know where I get my incredible sense of tact from.

Bebe

@Lacey 1211@twitter I'm sorry, and I am sure your dad is normally a wonderful man, but he kind of deserved those stitches.

And I haven't even had a baby!

dj pomegranate

@Bebe Right? I'm on Team Mom for this one. Come on!

MoxyCrimeFighter

@Lacey 1211@twitter AND SHE DIDN'T DIVORCE HIM?! Seriously, though, I think my mom would have bitten off my dad's dick and yelled, "See how you like it!"

Hellcat

@Lacey 1211@twitter I feel like I want your parents to be at every party I ever go to!

gobblegirl

5 is way worse than 1!!

Bebe

Grad School Friend: "So, over the break, I broke up with my girlfriend."
Me: "Thank GOD."

In my defense - the girlfriend in question happened to be a not-very-nice-or-good girlfriend, and he definitely deserved better.

Steph

I once sarcastically asked a deaf guy (who I didn't know was deaf b/c I'm an idiot) "What are you, a mime?"
It's still the worst moment of my entire life.

baklava!

@Steph omg, the tears... now I'm an asshole for laughing

Steph

@baklava! Things that make it even worse/more hilarious:
1. The guy was super hot and I was trying to flirt with him
2. He didn't even know I said it, but his friend did, who promptly schooled me, which made the original guy curious what was going on, so the whole thing had to be explained again while I stood there, mortified.
3. To his credit he just laughed. Cute and a good sense of humor. He was probably my soul mate and I ruined it by being a tool.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Steph "He was probably my soul mate and I ruined it by being a tool." Story of my life, girl.

Jaya

"Aww, you're not THAT fat."

Oh, squiggles

@Jaya That has been said to me sooo many times.

contrary

@Jaya I gained a bunch of weight from medication a few years ago and was really upset about it one night and my best friend said "it's okay though, you know, your face is still pretty." UGH. see also "you're fat for YOU but not fat for other people" (what?)

Jaya

@contrary Oh no! I said it when I was like 15 to a friend of mine, and as payback definitely had it said to me a bunch after I came back from studying abroad in Italy and had gained about 25 pounds.

annev6

#1. I hate the person who said this for about 3 reasons. Though I'm sure in real life she's lovely.

mirror_father_mirror

@annev6 I have had that happen to me. The uncle part, not the telling-the-bride-about-it part.

annev6

@mirror_father_mirror That's so mean, for the uncle to say, not you to hear. Well, I guess depending on your emotions it would also be mean for you to hear. It's someone's wedding for crying out loud. Can we not all keep our opinions for ourselves for 4 hours?

stealthkitten

Oh God. #14 is too close for comfort. When I was in 6th grade my German teacher was murdered. I, in an extremely misguided and naive attempt to make everyone feel better, quipped, "At least no homework tonight!" It still makes me cringe in shame.

dj pomegranate

@stealthkitten And then immediately you feel that warm wave of shameful shame wash over you. Haven't we all been misguided and naive?! *cringe*

It's like we have to fill in the uncomfortable silence but can't think of anything because there is nothing really to say and our mouths just DO THINGS. STOP IT, MOUTHS.

redheaded&crazy

@stealthkitten HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY

but seriously, he always did assign too much homework didn't he

Tuna Surprise

@stealthkitten
That's terrible! And to think, there was probably a German word to express how awful you felt but NO ONE WAS THERE TO TEACH IT TO YOU!!!

Hellcat

@stealthkitten Oh my goodness, you just made me remember that my sixth-grade teacher was murdered too. But not when I was in sixth grade. However, when I heard the story of what happened, it was so completely insane and outrageous that I think I might have made a face that was... well, less horrified and concerned than it was eagerly fascinated. Ugh.

Hello Kidney

@stealthkitten Just last week in the middle of a light-hearted group conversation, a coworker who recently had a hysterectomy due to uterine cancer said, "It's so weird to think I'm missing an organ!" to which I (trying to keep the mood light, like an insensitive imbecile) replied, "Meh. That was a lame organ anyway. Who needs a uterus?"

In my defense, I was thinking of how horrible periods are sometimes and how if she was done having kids... Nope! Forget it. I'm just awful.

alpelican

So, anyone else filled with burning shame and regret for some horrible things they're now remembering that they've said?

Anji

@alpelican Yep. There's something I once said as a 6-year-old that is so objectively awful, I honestly get really upset whenever I think about it. And I've never told anyone about it, ever.

alpelican

@Anji I was in high school and I absolutely, positively should have known better. It was totally inexcusable. I vaguely remember apologizing in deep shame and I hope that memory is accurate.

wee_ramekin

@alpelican Yup.

In college, I was in a class with this Hispanic girl who mentioned that she was Jewish. I looked at her all goggle-eyed and laughed as I said "But you're Hispanic!!" (I...don't know why I thought that Hispanic people couldn't be Jewish?). She just stared at me with her mouth open.

>_<

atipofthehat

@wee_ramekin

Points if you said it to her in Ladino.

Amphora

@alpelican #6 reminded me of the time my group of friends were going through the "Yo momma" joke phase (we were in college, late bloomers to elementary school humor). Forget what I said, but I said it to my friend who I had temporarily forgotten had lost his mother to cancer at a young age. Felt like a jackass for days.

anachronistique

@wee_ramekin This happened to me when I went to Rosh Hashanah services in college. I kept my mouth shut, but I just stared.

Flies in my eyes

@alpelican Oh dear that is similar to my shamful comment. I have an annoying habbit of sometimes switching the "yo momma" or "that's what she said" jokes to the male alternative and thinking that's witty. In undergrad a male friend said "Nice ass, you must work out?" as I was getting out of the car and he was behind me. I replied "Yeah, on your dad!".
Not so funny, his father had died a few years earlier. I apologized later in the night, cause it took me a couple hours to realize my faux pas, he was totally cool with it luckily. He just laughed and said, "Guess the joke is really on you then, right?"
Thank god for people who take things in humor and stride :)

mirror_father_mirror

@wee_ramekin Eh, I've heard worse. I am half Mexican, but look white. In high school, I was selected as a National Hispanic Merit Scholar, and they announced it over the loudspeaker. I got an astonished WTF look from a friend, and when I said "Uhh...you've met my mother, right?" she practically screamed, in the middle of the lunchroom, "I JUST THOUGHT SHE WAS ITALIAN!!!"

Ooh, also! In elementary school, when my mother would pick me up from school, kids asked (more than once) if she was my maid! I didn't even get how fucked up that one was until many, many years later! Yay racism!

Amphora

@mirror_father_mirror That's so horrible! My friend's sister has this problem too - "No, I'm not his maid, he just looks a lot more like his Nordic father!"

Sea Ermine

@mirror_father_mirror Ah I had the same thing happen to me when I had to go on stage in an assembly to get the National Hispanic Merit Scholar thing (my mom is Colombian and while my features are a lot like hers my skin is way lighter). I had to explain it to a bunch of people and it took forever. Which was then immediately followed by people asking me if my parents sold cocaine.

EternalFootwoman

@mirror_father_mirror That happened to me and my mom a lot. She has straight black hair and I had blonde curls, so people always thought she was my babysitter. Of course, my dad is almost thirty years older than she is, so people always thought he was my grandfather. Good times.

lafleur

The single worst thing I ever said was in front of my friend to our third friend. We were all sitting around, chatting, and Third Friend said, "Well, when I get married--" I cut her off without thinking and said something like, "Don't you mean if? Although, you'd probably be the one to settle."

Commence tears and silent treatment for days.

oh, disaster

I'm cringing and laughing at the same time. Cringaughing.

redheaded&crazy

@oh, disaster yeah what's the word for it? mine is like a guffaw followed by incredulous nervous laughter

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@redheaded&crazie Guffawful? Criggling?

sarah girl

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) CRIGGLING, i love it

dj pomegranate

My college roommate's mom had recently gotten remarried and we were discussing the wedding. I don't remember why I said it but I definitely said, "Ugh, all I know is that if I get married I won't ever play [name of classic love song] because everyone always plays that song and it is just the cheesiest. I mean, can't you think of another song that everyone else hasn't already played? Ugh, so unoriginal. Right?"

You know where this is going. Turns out that was their first dance song.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@dj pomegranate But you know in your heart it was the worst song ever.

Reginal T. Squirge

@dj pomegranate WHAT SONG WAS IT?

steponitvelma

@dj pomegranate I essentially did the exact same thing, but over facebook. Worst thing is that I had been to the wedding and had to leave before the first dance, so it almost looked like I knew and said it on purpose. Ugh, I still feel awful.

beanie

@dj pomegranate was it "At Last"? I'm guessing that.

whateverlolawants

@beanie That's my guess too. Bleh.

noodge

there's this one: my college roommate Polly and I didn't get along very well. One day her boyfriend comes to the door and asks "is p..p..p..p..polly here?" and I replied "n..n..n..no!" because I thought he was kidding or being silly! he went home and was apparently very distraught over his stutter that he was still struggling with.

(this is the first of what would become many instances where Teenie thinks that people are talking different to be silly, and she makes light of it, only to find out there are real reasons they talk that way. i just can't seem to train myself to NEVER MENTION OR MOCK HOW SOMEONE TALKS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!)

beanie

@teenie hooo boy I've done this so many times. I think I have no awareness? My friend had a tick that made him blink a lot...and I would do it back because I thought he was doing it for fun?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?

TheDragon

@teenie
I've been on the recieving end of that. I've mostly worked through it now, but I used to stutter on "th" sounds, and I'd get STUCK. Then they would just come faster and faster until I spit the word out finally. So "the" became Th...th...th...th..th..th..th.th.th.ththththththththTHE.
My seventh grade class called me "The Machine Gun"

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY "TH" WORDS THERE ARE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE?

noodge

@The Kendragon I am so glad I don't know you in person, because i would find it impossible to resist imitating you because I think you're doing it to be funny. And then I would have to kill myself out of mortification.
@beanie - I'm so glad it's not just me! is this what happens when someone grows up in a dramatic family where people talk with funny accents and lisps and stuff for effect when they're telling stories?

Arrie B.@twitter

@teenie As a waitress, I once repeated back the order of a patron as he said it: "Ch-ch-ch-chicken?" He nodded, and as I was walking away, my face turned beet red and I realized he had a stutter.

In my defense, my dad and I do this thing where we intentionally stutter the word "butter" b/c it drives my mom crazy at the breakfast table. "Pass the b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-butter, baby?" I thought that's what he was doing.

SarahDances

I said an awful thing this past weekend!

I went grocery shopping with the new boyfriend, and he joked about me preparing to judge him over his food selections. I saw a guy on a Segway in the produce section, and said, "Dude, you want to talk about me getting judgy? Who the hell goes to the grocery store on a goddamn Segway? What is up with that?"

...and then Segway guy emerged from behind the next aisle, and I saw his prosthetic leg. "...neeeeevermind...."

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@SarahDances I sentence you to three months in Cat Jail!

Verity

I laughed out loud at 14.

So many memories of awful things I have said are flooding back. Aged about 13, when a girl in my class asked me if I thought she had lost weight, I scrutinised her carefully and said, "No, I think if anything you've put on weight". (I was young! I thought she wanted an honest answer and didn't realise that in general people take being told they have gained weight as an insult!)

In a conversation with my now-boyfriend, after he had told me that he had a disability and explained that he was deaf in one ear: "That's not even a proper disability". (Oh god, I know. It's the worst thing ever. My only excuse is that I was attracted to him even then and panicked a bit when talking to him, leading to complete and utter stupidity. Somehow, we still got together. It's lasted three years so far.)

caddie

@Verity Possibly this is the horrible thing I'M going to say, but I'm deaf in one ear, and you were totally right. How dramatic to lead with "I have a disability." Please. Your boyfriend and I are never going to be SWAT officers, but I encounter no discrimination and essentially no challenges in life from my "disability."

Verity

@caddie It wasn't a big dramatic "I have something important to tell you"-style thing; I think he had just casually described himself as disabled (or similar. It was a while ago). I know it's not necessarily the most challenging thing, but he finds that it affects his daily life enough that he's in the process of talking to doctors about hearing aid options.

branza

@Verity When I first met my friend C, he told me he was foreign. Upon inquiry, he revealed that he was from Britain. We all dismissed it as "not a real country"

Verity

@branza We are definitely imaginary here, it's true. :)

sox
sox

I'm voting for 5 since it is equally as amusing as it is horrible, whereas 13 seems to have more horrible and less amusing.

A couple of years ago, my coworker's mother had to have emergency surgery for a large tumor in her stomach and he was going home to be with her as things didn't look good. In a meeting just before he left, everyone was giving their "best of luck"s or whatnot, except for me, who inexplicably said "Oh whatever, we know you're really going to away to the beach!"
Literally no explanation for what possessed me to say that, and at that time I might have been too embarrassed to be able and own it/apologize. Luckily she has been in good health since then!

liznieve

After former President Reagan died, I said "Eh, it's OK, it's not like he remembered it" (he had Alzheimer's.) A girl sitting next to me stormed off leaving a trail of tears behind her. Her grandfather had Alzheimer's.

WHOOPS.

(I still feel bad)

rocknrollunicorn

I can't judge #5 because I don't know her relationship with her mother. I know so many moms who would totally deserve that comment for all the harsh things they said about their daughter's appearance over the years.

I actually think that most of these were total slips of the tongue, and I can't even hate on #13 because that just seems thoughtless. #10 was well-deserved... I think that, at almost every level, the less-horrible comment won out! For some reason, the Javier Bardem comment is the worst to me. I must be completely superficial.

rocknrollunicorn

@rocknrollunicorn Actually, #16. It is terrible, and certainly not something I would accidentally say to anyone!

Alixana

Me, to friend who had brought an unidentified guest to our weekly dinner night: "Hey, how are things going with that married guy you're dating?" Friend: "Have I introduced you to [married guy I'm dating]?". Whoops.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Alixana That is TOTALLY something I would say.

Nicole Cliffe

Whatever, that's on her!

Alixana

Friend A to friend B, regarding Friend B's brand-new engagement ring: "Awww, it's almost as big as mine!".

caddie

@Alixana Wow, that summons up a clear mental picture of Friend A, and it is not a flattering one.

Alixana

@caddie Naw, she's a sweetheart and I'm pretty sure her (fairly ostentatious, to be honest) ring is some kind of family heirloom. Still.

carolita

@Alixana reminds me of a model "friend" who got a boob job. I said, hey, you got just about the same size as me (implying that I admired her restraint and wish to look realistic). She said, "I wouldn't pay four thousand dollars for boobs the size of yours!" But they WERE the size of mine, heheheheheheh.

Hello Kidney

@carolita Where the crap are you guys buying boobs for just $2000 each?? Jeez, I'd get three at that price.

Ellie

Hahaha I was like "It's 13!" before I even looked at the bracket and then it was.

Some of these are funny but that's one of the most horrible things I can imagine saying to another person.

JoanHaulAway

I will just never understand #8, people that pester their friends about getting married. What the fuck business is it of yours?! Marriage is kind of a shitty proposition these days, in case you didn't notice?!?

Ten Thousand Buckets

I once accidentally implied that my best friend's sister was sleeping around by asking who the father of her second baby was. I did not realize that she had married the father of the first baby.

To this day, I feel like an ass when I think about it.

whateverlolawants

@Ten Thousand Buckets I was introducing my boyfriend to a sweet, religious married couple I know. I'm not sure he realized they were a couple. I mentioned her pregnancy (which she'd announced already) and after a minute, he turns to the guy and says, "So, are you, like, the father?"

I was so embarrassed. I'm not sure if he even was. They handled it with a laugh and hopefully forgot about it... I really hope they did.

diesel_vontrapp

Me, working in an expensive retail establishment, to pretty, young-looking customer whose name on ID did not match name on credit card: "oohhh, did you just get married??"
Pretty, young-looking customer "um, no, actually... divorced."
Me, trying to salvage situation: "Oh! Well! You certainly don't look old enough to be divorced!"

To this day, I die.

OhMarie

@diesel_vontrapp Oh god, I did this exact thing to someone at work when I noticed that their email address changed. :(

Does Axl have a jack?

@diesel_vontrapp I can't speak for the ladies on the other end of your conversations, but as a lady who has a divorce under her belt at a relatively young age, I have had that same exchange lots of times and it has never really been a big deal, like, at all. So maybe don't feel too bad!

whateverlolawants

@diesel_vontrapp I've probably had enough of those exchanges in my 7.5 years of retail that I rarely make any comments at all now. I made so many embarrassing assumptions in my first years.

But then again, yesterday a woman said she was moving to my city, and I said, "Oh yeah, the real estate is so much more affordable here!" Not horrible, but I wondered why on earth I said that and what she thought I thought of her.

frigwiggin

Oh god. I cannot admit the worst thing I've said on here because I still burn with embarrassment thinking about it, and it was genuinely (if thoughtlessly) hurtful to someone with a serious illness (that I didn't know about). Ugh argh agh.

I will admit to telling a friend at sixth-grade art summer classes that she looked like a horse. I meant it well, like she had this beautiful long face and hair, and also she loved horses. But she still didn't take it well.

Also, the first time I ever saw/touched a penis, I started laughing and commented, "It feels like Stretch Armstrong!" Oh, college me.

P.S. Please don't hate me

@frigwiggin
"The first time I ever saw/touched a penis" deserves a thread of its own.

Amphora

@P.S. Please don't hate me First time I fooled around with College Boyfriend #2 I reached for the bulge in his pants and nothing was there. I stared at his crotch in obvious surprise, not realizing he just had a small penis. He totally noticed.

Verity

@P.S. Please don't hate me It really does.

Oh, squiggles

@frigwiggin OMG stretch armstrong! Hahaha

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

@frigwiggin STRETCH ARMSTRRRONNNG.

fuck fuck fuck

@frigwiggin the first time i ever touched a penis, i was making out with a guy behind a frat house and he just PUT IT IN MY HAND WITHOUT WARNING! so i did the right thing and ran away, slipping in mud and losing my phone and ID in the process. three years later i do not look that boy in the face.

Hellcat

@frigwiggin Oh, I hear you on the horse thing! I once told my ex's friend that he looked like a greyhound. I really didn't mean it in a nasty way at all... but it came right out before I realized that some people might not like that. I still think things like this, and they're almost never mean-spirited (sometimes some people just look like other animals!), but I am better about stifling these thoughts now.

hulia

@P.S. Please don't hate me Based on how hard I just laughed (am still laughing...) at @lighter fluid's story, that thread will be NSFW due to risk of extreme giggles.

whateverlolawants

@Hellcat I know what you mean. I knew a guy once who looked like a lemur. I think he owned it, though.

Hellcat

@whateverlolawants You see? It happens! That sounds perfectly normal(ish) to me, and when I read it, I didn't automatically assume that the person is hideous. But I suppose not everyone thinks that way, and I guess I can see how someone might not like hearing something like that. I have been told I look like a meerkat, but I think that was more regarding my mannerisms? Oh, I don't know.

whateverlolawants

@Hellcat I'd think it was cool if I looked like an animal, unless it was a rhino or something. Hell, embodying the spirit of a rhino isn't that bad.

Meg White totally looks like a King Charles Cavalier spaniel.

roadtrips

@whateverlolawants I DATED a guy once who looked exactly like a lemur. And I used to tell him that, thinking I was being so cute. In retrospect, maybe not the best animal to be compared to? But he really did look like one.

mustelid

@frigwiggin @P.S. Please don't hate me: oh god yes.

This is the abridged version, but the first time I ever Did It, the dude didn't actually make it in before the show was over (visual: a hot dog lying in a bun). (Also, it was not his first time.) So aftward, eager to know if I had 'lost my virginity' or not, I said, "So... did that count?"

I also once said to a guy, "Oh! You're uncircumcised!" It was not the first time I'd seen his junk, but it was the first time I'd seen it soft and I was surprised (it was the first one I'd seen) but I think he read it as disgust, whoops.

branza

@Amphora The first time I had sex with my then-boyfriend I totally blurted IS IT IN YET?!?!?! at him.

IT WAS

DrFeelGood

@frigwiggin haha the first time I saw a penis do it's.. thing, I said "Is that IT?"

SarahDances

@DrFeelGood The first time I was fooling around with a guy who took his pants and underwear off, I leapt off the bed, horrified, and wouldn't come back until he put it away. Thankfully, he was too much of a sleaze to be traumatized!

whateverlolawants

@roadtrips Was his name Andy?

Verity

When I first saw my boyfriend's penis, my reaction was "We should measure it!". And we did. I don't even know what I was thinking.

(Also, I was immensely detached/clinical about everything and had conversations like "so, have you had any sexual partners of any sort? I need to know because of STIs" and "If I got pregnant, I would have a termination. How do you feel about that?" months before we actually had sex. It seemed like the sensible thing to do!)

frigwiggin

@branza I meant to come back here earlier, but THIS. THIS STORY. Ahahaawwww. Please, people, more hilarious first-time-penis stories! (Or first-time other things! We are all-inclusive!)

candybeans

I used to tack "your MOM" onto everything in late high school/early college to try and be funny, a la, "I've got so much reading to do for bio!" "your MOM has so much reading to do for bio!" etc. Until I learned that the mother of one of the girls on my hall, with whom i tried to be funny most often, had died shortly before the beginning of the school year. I also thoughtlessly did this with someone whose mother I knew had died after a very long and public illness. Still squirming with shamebarrassment ten years later.

Amphora

@candybeans YES I have done this too and still feel bad about it!

Faintly Macabre

@candybeans At a party early in college, I said something like, "Haha, [my friend]'s my MOM!" (I have no memory of why I said that now.) She asked if we couldn't talk about moms because it made her sad. Fast-forward two years, and I find out her mother had died from falling down the stairs halfway through freshman year. Though she barely told people, so I don't think she held mom jokes/references against people who didn't know.

PotatoPotato

@candybeans: This happened to other people when I was in high school. Your Mom jokes were just becoming A Thing where I lived, right around the same time that a classmate's stepfather shot the mom and turned the gun on himself. People would make Your Mom jokes to said classmate, and she'd just say, "My mom's dead." And people would think she was joking, and then they'd realize she wasn't, and it was awkward for everybody in the room.

rocknrollunicorn

@candybeans One of my closest friends (and thus a person I joke around with all the time) lost her father about 6 or 7 years ago, and I can't tell you how many times I have made some dumb "your dad" joke, or did the obvious pause-and-desist right before doing so. I swear, parents are a minefield, but I will never learn.

EternalFootwoman

@candybeans My father is dead and I can honestly say that those types of jokes don't bother me at all. Maybe if someone's parent is recently deceased, they'll be a little sad, but honestly? You're sad because your parent had died. It's not like you forget about it and then someone makes a "your mom" joke and then you think, "O, right...geez, now I'm sad." So I wouldn't worry about it.

salty

@candybeans My mother is dead and yo momma jokes don't bother me. Sometimes people make this ludicrous face after they've made one to me and realise my mum's dead and it is pretty hilarious. I'll take all the yo momma jokes in the world in exchange for the giggles I get when I see *that* face. Don't worry about it too much!

beanie

When people would ask me why I hadn't gotten married yet (which is a terrible thing to ask anyone!), I would respond with "I'm waiting until we are older so I'll get better presents". I said this in front of a girl who got married while my group of friends was all still in college. I felt like a huge dickbag after.

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

@beanie Oh god. What am I doing getting married in grad school? I need to wait until everyone is rich. XD That's the best retort for a horrible question.

adminslave

Loving these! As to #14, I really wouldn't sweat it. I lost a parent in middle school and got one of those gigantic cards everyone signed, and I swear I have only read like 2 of the messages, as the whole thing seemed so fake and forced (it was clearly a class assignment by the well meaning teacher). At least you were being honest! The more sickly-sweet the message, the more I blanked them from my memory.

At a party in my somewhat transient large hometown city (not NYC) I went on a drunken rant about all the people I meet at parties now are from rural/suburban Pennsylvania, etc etc (mostly just bitching about how moonie-eyed they were when they had moved to a very diverse place, etc.). Immediately, a bunch of people admit to being from PA, and I remain, an asshole.

adminslave

@adminslave Oh and one Thanksgiving at my Aunt's house, I confused her trainer's SON with her HUSBAND. Awkward! In my defense, her husband was not the kid's father, he was very young, like 30, the kid was at least 18 and they had identical slicked faux-hawks and gym bodies. Also: alcohol.

Heat Signature

@adminslave Your aunt invited her personal trainer to Thanksgiving? Is there more to this story?

adminslave

@Heat Signature more to the story: she's weird! And her "personal training" consisted of mostly a starvation diet with occasional weight lifting, she ended up looking like a husk of her former self. The truly weird part of the day: when my cousin (her daughter's) boyfriends roommate gave my aunt a long drawn out massage (she was very vocal). How do people do these things without massive amounts of alcohol?

Heat Signature

@adminslave Can I please be invited to your aunt's Thanksgiving this year? Because this sounds way more rad than our usual holiday.

adminslave

@Heat Signature Sure--you're invited! I hope you like kugel ;).

highfivesforall

Oh god, I just remembered one of my worst ones. I was out for drinks for someone's birthday who I did not know very well, and one of her friends was talking about how her baby's face was so squishy(?), and I made a joke that I hoped she wouldn't have kids, if she thought it was okay to squish them. Of course it turns out that she was actually talking about her real child.

In my defense, I had never before met someone my age (21 at the time) who had a baby (that I knew of), so I wasn't exactly on the lookout for it. Also she said a number of other very strange things that night. She didn't seem that offended thankfully, and then the birthday girl puked all over the bathroom and needed to be carried home, so my comment was not the most memorable event of the night. Hooray!

highfivesforall

@highfivesforall Also, I just want to say, what a wonderful day for discussion on the hairpin! Books, parenthood, and awkwardness!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@highfivesforall So I'm not a huge baby person. Like, I love the babies that I'm related to, but I just don't get all Beatlemania every time I see a baby.
I forget what the context was but at Christmas dinner a couple of years ago I said something to my sister about how I don't like babies. An hour after my cousin told us she was pregnant.

Jenivere

I want to be friends with #9. Actually it sounds like something a few of my friends would say, so who knows? Maybe I already am?

superfluous consonants

my dear husband can get VERY enthused about internet things--play this game! watch this video! immediately!--and in his excitement can get a little...railroady? occasionally when he recommends something too vociferously, i will...not look at it?

i try to keep my tiny rebellions low-key, but one time after he reminded/nagged me to look at something, i said, "sometimes you tell me to do things and i deliberately don't do them." WHAT?

the confused puppy look i got for that one will haunt me the rest of my days.

Hellcat

@superfluousconsonants This whole thing, oh my god, right down to the puppy face. My BF is like this; it's show-and-tell every time I arrive at his place, or he gets here (often about things I don't much care about). His enthusiasm is very cute, as is he, and I know he just wants to share stuff he likes with me. But sometimes, man...

planforamiracle

@superfluousconsonants BAHAHAHA I love this! I can totally picture the situation too. It's not just you telling him that makes me laugh, it's the sheer silly angst of the sentiment: "you told me about it too many times/too enthusiastically so i will take pains to not care about it" that amuses me. Mainly because I recognize it very well! My fella does this sometimes and I usually just smile and nod. I guess I am due for a similar outburst one of these days.

Hellcat

@planforamiracle Ha! Not an outburst, per se, but I got caught making a low yet obviously distressed "ohhhhhhhh" sound (sort of like that noise Marge Simpson makes) when mine was trying to show me some YouTube thing. He gave me a look as if to say, "You will enjoy this and I will pretend I didn't notice that mean sound."

kitkat88

@superfluousconsonants Oh god, the person I am dating now does that to me too (like, outright says "I don't want to watch your stupid video"), but they do it constantly and without remorse. It's totally stupid and trivial, but I end up crying about it every time. I'm in med school (aka loneliness school), so nobody wants to hear my depressing medicine talk, but nobody wants to see the funny youtube videos I watch either ;_;

allthepie

@kitkat88 DTMFA. Understandable to do it once in a while, but to consistantly shut you down? Nah.

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

I'm pretty sure I have blocked out everything I've said that was amusingly horrible. I have a very powerful suppression urge.

Though...I did describe my fiance to my mom as the guy in the picture with the squishy face(when we first started dating forever ago). It wasn't to his face...until my mom repeated it endlessly. I mean. His face is squishy. But aaah. Mom. What. What. Why are you repeating the horrible things I say?

Somebody has looked at my engagement ring, looked at my fiance and sternly told him that he should've gotten a bigger rock and then laughed. (Uncomfortable because god we are so frigging poor, and the person who said it knew it, but blazed on anyway, looking to me for support hazing him for a gift that I actually am still impressed by.)

Hellcat

@SheWhoReadsInSkirts Aww, I like a squishy face; my BF has one too (very round with dimples. So cute). I just wish I could come up with a better, more flattering way to express this... because he certainly did not like my gleeful, drunken "BIG FAT FACE!" complete with pinching. (He got over it though, and now he knows it's a compliment. I hope.)

TheDragon

I told one of my cross country teammates in high school that "when you're super out of shape, just being on the team and finishing races is a huge achievement"
I meant it as a "I know this is harder for you than those of us who have been running for years, and I am so impressed by your tenacity and desire to get in shape." However, as soon as I said it I realized how awful it sounded and that she probably didn't want to hear that from the girl who was built like a fence post.

PistolPackinMama

Get rid of your beloved Hairpinners, seriously, we are revolting.

With love.

TheDragon

OH God. One time I butt dialed the guy I was dating in the middle of my mom and I having a deep conversation about how I couldn't see us together for very long, and everything that I couldn't stand about him.
It was NOT a good day.

Inkling

@The Kendragon
That's especially unlucky, because whenever people (my dad) buttdials me, I just hear "....mmmmmraaooh....htssss...mmMM! ......ornns..."
Maybe my dad just has an especially fat accountant butt.

TheDragon

@Inkcrafter
Well I butt dialed him, and then took my phone out of my pocket and set it on the counter cause it was digging into my butt.
I will say, guys I'm dating/talking to have butt dialed me twice and left messages and I've totally listened to the whole thing. One time I found useful information. The other time it sounded like your dad's butt dials. (I really hope I wasn't dating your dad)

DrFeelGood

@The Kendragon I never hang up on butt dials. Sometimes you hear some VERY interesting things!

Inkling

@The Kendragon
MY FATHER IS A LOVELY MAN. YOU WOULD BE LUCKY TO DATE HIS VOLUPTUOUS NERD BUTT.

TheDragon

@Inkcrafter
I'm sure I would be, and I do appreciate a voluptuous butt... I just don't think I'm old enough to date a man who has offspring old enough to read the 'Pin!

PotatoPotato

So I used to walk from my apartment building, through an underpass to a friend's apartment building, and he was super excited because somebody had discarded this beat up old symphonic organ in the underpass. I went to visit him, took a look at said musical instrument, and it didn't really live up to my expectations, based on how excited he was about it. A whole bunch of common friends were there that day, all hanging around, and I blurt out, "Oh, hey, Friend, I saw your organ. I wasn't impressed."

Crickets. And then somebody bursting out laughing, my face burning, and me sputtering explanations. Not that kind of organ!

What's funny is, I googled "organ" to remember what kind it was before I posted here, and that same friend came up with 6 hits in Google's personalized G+ results.

planforamiracle

@PotatoPotato That is so funny! I have never really heard people use the word "organ" to mean dicks, but I guess not many people talk about the musical instrument.

once I was sharing a tender moment with a dude, after some vigourous bedroom activities. I said "I can see your pulse" meaning that I could see his heart beating, but he thought I said "I can see your balls" and was like.. well.... yes.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Why is this the last bracket? WHYYYYYYY?

themegnapkin

@Rookie Right? I have a few entries for amusingly horrible things frenemies have said to me.

telling_everyone

I've said a lot of cringe-worthy things but the best is probably when, in middle school, I told my best friend that I didn't want to eat dinner at her house because her family was annoying

LaLoba

The first time I slept in the same room with my just-now-no-longer-boyfriend, I fell asleep on his bed (a twin mattress on the floor :/) and he passed out (tequila) ON the floor, sort of near me, sort of wrapped in a tiny blanket. I think he was trying to be a gentleman by not crawling into bed with me, but it was not a smooth moment for him that night or morning. Upon waking, I looked from th e bed (mattress) over at him, crumpled on the floor, and said,

"You look REALLY pathetic." AAAAAAAAAAGH IT JUST CAME OUT he did not let me live that down for years.

Also one time a friend asked if she could borrow a cardigan to go out in and started putting it on and I shouted, "NOOO you're going to stretch it out!!" She looked at me like "WTF BITCH" and wore it anyway. To be fair she stole like all of my sweaters and is no longer my friend.

Nutmeg

AHHHH SO MANY it is terrible :( I am feeling hella vicarious-and-not-shame right now.

But okay, probably (among the) worst is the time in high school when I read and signed a petition while my friend was still slowly reading it, and I was all, "Oh, come on, I already read that thing; aren't you done yet??" and he got all angry and told me he is dyslexic

LittleEdie

Whatever, #10 is hilarious!!

redheaded&crazy

@swirrlygrrl oh guys by drawing a blank i meant "i can't think of any that I wouldn't be far too embarrassed to even share here. even me (dedicated oversharer). even here (supportive welcoming community)."

redheaded&crazy

@swirrlygrrl oh guys by drawing a blank i meant "i can't think of any that I wouldn't be far too embarrassed to even share here. even me (dedicated oversharer). even here (supportive welcoming community)."

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie wow way to go champ

EpWs

@redheaded&crazie I <3 u

planforamiracle

Once, I was first finding out what polyamoury was by having it explained to me by a friend who had several partners. She was describing one as her "primary" and another as her "secondary" meaning that she and her primary were basically 2gether 4ever, and she had secondary partners who might come and go. At 19, I was pretty open-minded and intrigued about the whole thing, but I accidentally said I thought it sounded "kind of cultish?" I DON'T KNOW WHY! maybe just the terminology seemed odd to me? To her credit, she just played it cool like I hadn't just insulted her values. Ugh. Still feel the shame about that one.

mystique

This is really terrible you guys, but...it happened when I was in 5th grade. We were playing a game of "how is this person not like the other" and it would be like "he's wearing a t-shirt and she's wearing a sweater!"

So I decided I would try for a joke (even though I hardly ever talked in class) and said one guy was "an alien!" No one laughed, and my teacher snapped, "That isn't funny." It wasn't until I was in my adult years that that memory resurfaced. Then I realized she thought I meant it because he was black.

....yup. There's a lot more going on there (I was the only other PoC in that class, and it was a super white town...), but. yeah.

whateverlolawants

@mystique That sounds like a game RIPE for awkward comments.

dj pomegranate

@whateverlolawants Right? I partly blame the teacher for this one. You are just asking for it making 5th graders play that game!

billie_crusoe

Because I can't find a better thread to jack: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT DRAG RACE. (Actually, I'm going to bed because I have to work too early, but tomorrow, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT DRAG RACE.)

AJ Sparkles

Okay. *Cracking knuckles* First week or so of freshman year of college, I'm smoking out with a new group of people. Stoned off of my ass towards the guy who just joined,"dude(duuuuuude), you MUST be burnt already, you've got like one eye going off over there." He was cross eyed. Annnnd, all the horror just came swimming back. Maybe this is more just horrible rather than amusing.This is why I don't smoke anymore.

frannypants

I once went to a bridal shower that my friend's (single) older sister was throwing for her, and what I ended up leading with when I introduced myself to her was "Wow, I would hate myself so much if my younger sister got married before I did." She kind of grimaced and tried to shrug it off, and I realized immediately what a weird, awkward thing it was to say, so I just Kept. Going. "No, like, I'm just saying if it was me I would feel so pathetic. I mean, but it probably will happen to me, because my sister is so much cooler than I am. But god, I will seriously want to just kill myself. Like I don't even know how I would get through that." My eyes were getting wider and wider with horror the entire time but I just didn't know how to make it stop! Finally I just said "Well, great party!" and walked away. Every time I remember that it makes me feel like I shouldn't be allowed out in public.

temporal_paradox

@frannypants My wedding-related story: when my younger brother got married, I had family and friends constantly telling me not to worry and that I would be next, blah blah blah. I, truly, was not feeling any of that stress or jealousy because, although I didn't know my new sis-in-law very well, I thought she was very good for my brother. However, after the wedding ceremony, my other younger brother decided to slip away to smoke some weed and he was gone for a Very Long Time. After looking (I thought)everywhere for him, the decision was made to take the family photos without him. Later, at the reception, we were seated and eating when my dear pot-head brother must have realized that missing the photos was maybe Not Okay and that maybe our parents might figure out what he was doing when he disappeared. So he started picking a fight with me, saying that it was all my fault because I didn't look for him in what he thought was the obvious place, in the newly-wed's car. After several rounds of my saying "I'm not going to talk about this right now" and "Now is not the time or the place to get into an argument." he finally said something that pushed the wrong button and during the silence of a song change which coincided with a lull in the general conversations going on in the room, I said, very loudly, "I am trying very hard to make this --ing day a happy one and you are not helping!" Knowing looks were exchanged all over the room, and I saw my sis-in-law mouth the words to my brother "I told you so." Oh, how I wished for a power to unsay words. But I kinda shrugged my shoulders and said "Welcome to the family!" Then I made myself as invisible as I could for the rest of the night.

whateverlolawants

@temporal_paradox That's so condescending that they assumed that!

jackeemarie

Don't see how 5 made it so far (should have been 1 in that round)...but 13 is definitely the worst of the two.

Inkling

Errrgh, my now best friend, then acquaintance's very close and beloved parent definitely committed suicide, but the friend believes it was an accident, and one time I accidentally referred to it as a suicide. In the context of a very angry fight when I was mad about being emotional bootycall: "I only ever hear from you when you wake me up at [ungodly hour] to talk about [parent] or [very toxic friend]."

I know we weren't close then, but why why why didn't I try to be more understanding. Seriously kill me.

EternalFootwoman

@Inkcrafter I'm more interested in how this person thinks their parent's suicide is an accident when someone who was an acquaintance knew otherwise.

Inkling

@EternalFootwoman
Without details, I assure you it is very, very apparent--from an outsider's perspective on the incident itself and an insider's perspective on the aftermath. I'm not purporting myself to be a super smart know-it-all detective, but I think anyone who hears how it happened and what happened next would be... skeptical, at best?
Even if I'm not mistaken, what a shitty thing to say!

janejanejane

Once, while driving my sister-in-law to the bus station, she told me she had a question to ask me but she warned me it might affect my driving. Then she asked me if I thought the miscarriage I had suffered several months earlier was my own fault.

Inkling

@janejanejane
NO.
Did it affect your driving to where you squished her side of the car into a compost heap??

dj pomegranate

@janejanejane WTF WHO SAYS THAT

finguns

@janejanejane I cannot even think of a world where someone would think that was ok to say anywhere, much less when you're driving.

janejanejane

@Inkcrafter

I was actually able to hold it together because I didn't want to injure my husband or myself but it was such a terrible thing to say and so clearly premeditated that it was funny in a really, really awful way. Needless to say my relationship with her is not the same.

chnellociraptor

I can't stop laughing at cat jail. Loudly. Please let it get an honourable mention or something.

One time recently, my best friend and I were having separate, simultaneous conversations within a large group, and I just like COULD NOT focus on my conversation and what I was trying to say because all I could hear for her voice. So out of NOWHERE, I just turned to her and said, "Can you just STOP TALKING?"

Yeah, I'm still apologizing for that one.

Genghis Khat

Oh god. Mine is so bad. I was at a haunted maze for halloween where scary things would jump out at you while you maybe got a little lost. So there were employees of the amusement park throughout the maze in corners with flashlights and directions to bathrooms, emergency exits etc. So my friend I are getting a little lost and I turn a corner and bump into an employee who is a little person. I scream SO LOUD and he goes "It's okay! I just work--" and I scream "OH MY GOD IT'S A REAL ONE!" That is like, the worst I am have ever felt about myself right after that, and it really illustrated for me how shallow the PC layer is over my language even though I think of myself as a progressive person. I would never purposefully call a little person "it" or think of them as a carnival freak, but apparently it doesn't take much for me to go there. Uuuuuuuugh so bad.

redheaded&crazy

@Genghis Khat oh my god it's a real one

oh my god it's a real one

i am dying

Xanthophyllippa

@Genghis Khat "Little person?" Really?

Genghis Khat

@Xanthophyllippa I apologize if I'm out of date, but that was my understanding of what the preferred terminology is for people with dwarfism. If I'm out of line please let me know!

Xanthophyllippa

@Genghis Khat I have no idea. I just didn't think anyone actually used that term. (Sorry, I think MY comment came off as much jerkier than I meant it.)

Genghis Khat

@Xanthophyllippa No worries. FWIW I didn't mean to sound sarcastic if I did. I try to be good about language and I really honestly do appreciate correction, especially in a place like the hairpin where people are gentle.

Lisa Frank

This is not the worst thing I've ever said, but it is the most embarrassing.

It's parent's weekend at camp, I'm 13. I see my friend Lindsay walking with her family, I walk up to them and say, "Hey Lindsay, is this your brother?" "This is my sister." Me looking around wildly, "Where?" Her whole family looks pointedly at her "brother," and I actually turned and ran away in embarrassment.

This is the most horrible thing I've ever said. I've been debating even posting this, because I feel so awful about saying it but... I was walking to McDonalds with a friend of mine. We're joking around and having a generally dumb conversation when he confesses that he was molested by a clergy person when he was younger. My response? "That makes sense." I instantly felt bad the moment I said it, but still. More horrible than amusing actually.

_questingbeast

Drunkenly interrupting a speech at my mum's second wedding at what I believed to be a 'comedy' moment: 'Well, third time lucky eh?' Did not get the laugh I was expecting.

redheaded&crazy

@questingbeast boy have i ever mis-estimated a lot of "comedy" moments in my life.

annev6

@questingbeast That cold, deafening silence you were overwhelmed by after you said that? That's where I LIVE.

Xanthophyllippa

@annev6 Howdy, neighbor!

Rebecs

I am disappointed that #2 didn't make it further in the bracket. Although, I guess the really great part of #2 is the friend's response to the horrible thing said. Still, spit out my oatmeal when I read it.

tequiza

"Well, at least you don't have to pick out what to wear everyday," to inmates at a women's correction facility.

paddlepickle

It's not something I SAID, exactly, but once I saw a guy in a big coat standing on the sidewalk shaking a can, so I put some change into it.

He was salting the sidewalk.

matilda

Aah #7 is why I'm so wary of dating short guys! I always think that this is what everyone must be thinking when they see us!

DrFeelGood

Oh man, some of these are so great. I'll share one that was said to me, by my partner. Mine are just too shame inducing, but this was hilarious in it's delivery. Sitting at a dinner table, with all my in-laws and talking about college and college majors, my husband announces to the table, "Yea, well, in college, everyone knew that ________ major was the dumb-kid major". Which is what I had majored in, and he was being totally serious, but did not know that is what I had majored in. The best was pretending to be mad for awhile, even though I thought it was hysterical.

Inkling

@DrFeelGood
My sister always advised me to not date/hang out with Communications majors, because it's a stupid easy/shallow major to go into, and who is she dating (down)?
A freakin' Communications major!

mirror_father_mirror

I have been waiting for one of these, so that I could admit to the most weirdly terrible thing I have partially repressed in my memory. In...first grade? I was friends with a small Chinese girl who had a tiny voice. And I remember telling other kids, when they would talk to her, that she can only understand you if you talk in a high voice. And then I would "translate" what they were saying to her, by repeating it in a baby voice, with sing-song baby language. I did this for an entire school year. As horrifying and weirdly racist as this was, my only defense is that, for some reason I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THIS WAS TRUE. I have no idea why she put up with that shit from me.

So, Cynthia from Mrs. Kasai's class, if you're out there...I'm sorry.

baklava!

@mirror_father_mirror WOW.

Ten Thousand Buckets

@mirror_father_mirror Haha, what?

mirror_father_mirror

@Ten Thousand Buckets @baklava! I KNOW RIGHT?!

Although if the worst thing I can ever remember saying is from when I was six, maybe I'm getting better? I definitely don't do that to people anymore.

Inkling

@mirror_father_mirror
I mean, that is the age when you pretend to be animals or have strange disabilities etc literally all the time, so maybe she just has a very dim memory of playing a game with you all year and you don't have to feel guilty? Probably most 6 year olds would tell you off if you were hurting their feelings!

MakeMeAGibsonPlease

ladies, for the record, I was the person who submitted #13. Eleven years later, I still feel HORRIBLE about it, and often want to e-mail that girl and tell her I truly, truly hope she got the help she needed. FWIW, it's something I learned from, and have made every effort to be as sensitive and kind as possible to the many women I have known since then who have gone through eating disorders. my only excuse is that I was 17, and had never before known anyone with an eating disorder and didn't really "get it". since then, I have absolutely gotten it, and to my knowledge have never said anything to an eating disorder sufferer in that realm of horriblness.

themegnapkin

@MakeMeAGibsonPlease Really, if I had caught the notification that they were collecting these things, I could have come up with worse stuff, said when I was much older than 17. I cringe thinking of the thoughtless, unintentionally horrific things I've said. I hope you have, but if you haven't yet, you need to forgive yourself - we all say things we regret.

redheaded&crazy

@MakeMeAGibsonPlease *big hugs*

whateverlolawants

@MakeMeAGibsonPlease Aww, it's good to hear from you and know you have a way different perspective now. I'm sorry if I freaked out about it upthread too much. And I would've submitted a couple if I'd known about this...

Also, at least you didn't ask someone, in front of a girl with an eating disorder, if "losing weight makes you lose brain cells," as a nasty girl said in front of my sister after my sister made a mildy ditzy comment. Yes, someone did that.

And tried to Facebook request me years later!

Xanthophyllippa

@whateverlolawants Facebook needs a third option after "Add friend" and "Not now" - "Burn with fire."

ohbladi

I said something so awful one time that I'm terrified to write it down because everyone will think I'm a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE person because it's not amusingly horrible, it's just straight up horrible.

When I was 18 and a freshman in college, one of my friends committed suicide. Two days after it happened, I was in a car with my friends (we were all friends with him) and we were all driving back to our hometown to go to the funeral.

If you've ever seen Heathers, you'll know the song "Teenage Suicide- Don't Do It". All of us had worked on a film research project that involved Heathers the year before. We had to watch it several times and eventually we picked up saying "Teenage Suicide- Don't do it!" in a sing-songy voice and would say it at random, sometimes if something Heathers-esque prompted it but eventually it was just entrenched in our daily vernacular without reason.

We had just gotten in the car and I was talking to my boyfriend at the time on the phone, who was also coming home for the funeral and someone said something that I no longer remember, and in reply I said,loudly but COMPLETELY WITHOUT THINKING, "Teenage suicide- don't do it!" ...

The car and my bf went silent and I realized what I had said and didn't even know what to say or do. I still think about that and I'm absolutely horrified with myself. I wasn't thinking at all! Saying that phrase had become so automatic and commonplace for me and for all of us and I had in no way even started to process the fact that such a horrific thing had actually happened that it just came out. Every time I think about that moment I hate myself a little.

I'M SO, SO SORRY, FRIENDS AND UNIVERSE FOR PUTTING THAT OUT INTO THE WORLD.

redheaded&crazy

@ohbladi I officially forgive you for saying this horrible thing. You have apologized! You have regretted it! You have Learned Your Lesson (probably not because thinking before you speak is a weird habit-breaking lesson to learn but that's okay). They have all probably either forgotten about it or moved on from it. Sometime when you are drunk with them you can be like "remember that time?! OH GOD THAT TIME. IT WAS AWFUL. MY DAYS HAVE BEEN NUMBERED BY SLEEPLESS REGRET." maybe throw in some weeping.

seriously. You do not need to keep hating yourself even a little!

whateverlolawants

@ohbladi I'm guessing they were just glad they weren't the one to do it.

Andrea Karim@facebook

I feel like #10 was perfectly reasonable.

Andrea Karim@facebook

Here's something to never say: "OMG, I just HATE the name [insert old fashioned name here] so much! Why would anyone ever name their child that? It's just the worst."

I have a friend who does this every now and again, and she always manages to pull, out of thin air, a name of one of my beloved great-aunts.

call_me_pippa

just read through all these comments = pretty psyched for law school finals next week!

also I thought it was funny how the comments thread sort of degenerated into a confessional booth towards the end here. you are all forgiven.

Hello Kidney

@carolita Where the crap are you guys buying boobs for just $2000 each?? Jeez, I'd get three at that price.

girlcub

Freshman, sitting on a bench with the sweetest girl in school:
Me: "That parking lot guy is so annoying. I heard he used to be the principle and he got demoted all the way to parking lot attendant."
Sweetest girl in school: "That's my dad."

AmandathePanda

I am white, and I said the following in response to a friend, who was expressing how weird it was to be mistaken for being Asian when she feels she is very clearly black: "But, you have black people hair! Oh God..."

Xanthophyllippa

@AmandathePanda I was passing a group of high school girls a while back and almost shat a brick when one of them turned to another and said, "You're my favorite Asian."

Vanessa Formato@twitter

When my fiance was maybe 10 and his brother was 12, they got into a fight (as usual) and he yelled "yeah, well YOU CAN'T READ!" His brother runs away bawling. Why? His brother is dyslexic, which my fiance didn't really understand at the time. The worst part is their mother, also dyslexic and struggling to get the school system to help her dyslexic son actually get an education, finds out and also starts crying. Fiance hides in his bedroom, like you do at age 10.

Nicool

When I was in grade 2, I sat beside a boy who had a crush on me and he would do incredibly foolish things to try and get my attention. One day I was particularly fed up with his behavior and decided that I needed to tell him off, so when I saw him tumble out of his desk and start rolling around on the floor, I went ballistic and yelled something along the lines of " WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT! I DON"T LIKE YOU AND I NEVER EVER WILL.STOP ACTING SO STUPID AND GET OFF THE FLOOR!" It turned out that he was less messing around trying to get my attention and more having a seizure and needed medical attention. Needless to say I still feel awful about it.

pwomp

I realize I'm suuuuper late to this and I don't know if anyone will ever even read this comment, but I just discovered this website and this thread in particular spoke to me. I have to share mine.
My boyfriend was kind of recently in a serious car accident in which he was driving, hit a tree and his friend was killed. So obviously this is a minefield for an idiot like me who never thinks about what she says. A little while ago, he was showing me this set of knives that are supposedly used for cutting bone and skinning animals. "Pretty cool, right?" he said. "Sure, perfect for a murderer!" I replied, meaning it as a joke, then immediately after the words came out of my mouth I realized what I had said and wished I could drop dead right then and there. Ahhhhhh I feel so so so awful. I'm the worst. I didn't apologize right away either. We just both pretended I didn't say it...

Anne_Hedonia

Non-Amusingly Worst thing I've ever said: My mom's best friend had three sons. I grew up with them and was particularly good friends with the middle one, B. Two nights before Christmas, the year B and I were turning 16, he took a walk late at night by himself. Crossing a small, shallow stream, he tripped, hit his jaw on a rock, and died from exposure. Needless to say, it was a horrible, ghastly thing. Two days after he died, we were at mom's best friend's house, comforting her. I had to walk a long ways to get there, and when I walked in, I practically yelled: "God, it's SO COLD out! I am FREEZING TO DEATH!!!". The longest silence in history ensued. No amount of apologizing has erased the cringing I feel to this day from that one...

linkaccu

But instead of opening again, the doors remain closed around her arm. Debenhams Discount Code

linkaccu

Past boyfriend and I are messing around in bed when my cell phone rings. I check caller ID and see that it's my dad calling. Click here

1963248500@twitter

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bill.marks

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