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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

250

The Ministry for Boyfriend Review

The Ministry for Boyfriend Review, first established on the sly by an anonymous suffragette in 1918, has spent 94 years serving tirelessly in the field of boyfriend management and evaluation. Until now, the Ministry’s process was rigid and secret: the concerned and curious best friends of women who date (questionable) men would hear of our services through a network of female acquaintances. These upstanding best friends, who always know what’s best but are practically never listened to anyway, would send file folders of damning evidence (photographs, receipts from the couples’ dates out, testimonials from friends and witnesses) to the Ministry for evaluation. Officials would then examine the evidence, judging whether or not the boyfriend in question was so inadequate as to merit an official query. If so, the Ministry would send a copy of the Boyfriend Acceptability Index to the best friend for completion.

The form was simple, but top-secret — until now. Current Ministers of Boyfriend Review are backlogged beyond belief due to an unprecedented increase in unsuitable boyfriends, and have therefore decided to leak the form for public consumption. It is their hope that the world’s best friends will start taking matters into their own hands.

Best Friends: Fill out the form below, assigning and subtracting points as directed, starting with a score of 100. Any final score below 60 results in a failing grade, and a recommended termination of the relationship.

Godspeed and good boyfriends.

THE BOYFRIEND ACCEPTABILITY INDEX

(To Be Filled Out By The Girlfriend’s Best Friend)

Level I Offenses – Subtract 5 points each if he...

- Gets inappropriately drunk once.
- Accessorizes unnecessarily, to point of distraction. (Chains, bracelets, necklaces, man rings, etc.)
- Wears glasses that he does not need in order to see.
- Licks his fingers.
- Wears a baseball cap more than one-third of the time. Subtract an extra 5 points if it is worn backwards, and another 5 points if the brim is bent inside out.
- Has any of the following hanging on his walls or doors in 2012: Grateful Dead posters, Bob Marley posters, Pink Floyd posters, Phish posters, beads.
- Doesn’t hold the door open for your friend, or anyone else.
- Talks just a little bit too loudly.
- Refers to semen as “splooge.”
- Stresses her out by constantly being late.
- Has an unsatisfying text message response rate.
- Talks about politics a little too much, is a little too insistent about his views.
- Is proud of having never voted because voting is “meaningless.”
- Calls her multiple times when she’s out with you, her best friend.
- Chews loudly.
- Chews ice cream.
- Tips poorly.
- Has too much product in his hair.
- Has not enough product in his hair.
- Never washes his hair.
- Gives you unsolicited relationship/love advice.
- Seems frightened of being left in a room alone with you.
- Rolls his eyes at something you say (and he doesn’t even know you!).
- Uses swear words as though fulfilling a rigid daily quota.
- Overzealous use of obnoxious slang. (“Word,” “tight,” “rad,” “dope,”and any other slang that happens to bother you, The Best Friend.)
- Doesn’t own a suit.

Level II Offenses – Subtract 20 points each if he...

- Gets inappropriately drunk every time you hang out.
- Refuses to spend the night at her place.
- Is antisocial, and seems bored/annoyed when out.
- Doesn't watch TV or movies, or read novels. Ever.
- Uses baby voices.
- Admits to her, when pressed, which of her friends he would sleep with. (You and I know she shouldn’t be asking those questions, but HE SHOULDN’T BE ANSWERING.)
- Has ever stood before her, while she was lying on the bed before/after sex, and made her admire his penis.
- Doesn’t respect the number 1 priority of her best-friendship with you.
- Doesn’t understand that the BEST part of dating HER is that HE gets to now hang out with YOU.
- Makes references to other girls/”babes” in front of you and her.
- Is unemployed.
- Never wants to do what she wants to do.
- Frequently borrows money from her.
- Refuses to “put labels on” the relationship.
- Speaks on her behalf.
- Encourages her bad or self-destructive behavior.
- Discourages what is really harmless behavior, like getting tipsy with you, her Best FRIEND.
- Interrupts her, constantly.
- Is bossy and controlling.
- Accompanies his girlfriend everywhere.
- Never leaves enough money when it’s time to split the bill.
- Encourages him to follow her to a different city, away from you, The Best Friend.
- Relies on her for constant emotional reassurance.

Level III Offenses – Subtract 40 points each if he...

- Gets inappropriately drunk every time you hang out with him and your friend, and tells you the same story about this OTHER time he got inappropriately drunk. Every. Time.
- Is a former/present internet sex addict.
- Has a secret second (actually, first) girlfriend.
- Doesn’t say “I love you” to her (your friend, not his secret first girlfriend).
- Seems sexually uninterested in your friend, as well as all other women in general.
- Doesn’t introduce her to his parents.
- Comments on your cleavage/sexually harasses you in any way.
- Makes repeated cutting or sarcastic remarks about her.
- Doesn’t make any effort to get to know her friends (namely, you).

Extra Credit: Add 3 points each if he...

- Is interested in making friends with YOU, not just perfunctorally acknowledging your presence when necessary.
- Has picked up your tab, because impressing you is important to him.
- Is a good and caring texter.
- Is an incredible cook and/or baker.
- Owns more than two pairs of shoes (tennis shoes and those loafers).
- Is willing to hold her purse in public when she needs to use the bathroom.
- Celebrates her birthday AND yours.
- Is remarkably hot. Which doesn’t excuse all evils, but definitely some.
- Has cute guy friends and wants to introduce you to them.
- Consults you for gift ideas and scheduling surprises for her — even if it’s just to make you feel included.
- Self-identifies as a feminist, and behaves accordingly.
- Is willing to help you move.
- Great to have around at a party.
- Happily weighs in with “guy POV” advice, but only when you request it.
- Gets his girlfriend a refill when her glass is empty, and then asks if you need a refill as well.
- Sits in front next to the driver when the taxi has four people in it.
- Shows affection to his girlfriend without engaging in PDA.
- Has a nice apartment where you are frequently welcome to hang out and watch Mad Men on his huge plasma TV.

Scoring:

90-100: Hmmm ... unusually high marks. Do you think he might be hiding something? Keep an eye on this one.

80-90: Well, he isn’t up to your standards for her, of course, but if your friend wants to date him, we see nothing too egregious.

70-80: Technically, he’s fine, but be sure to constantly remind your friend, through pointed remarks and raised eyebrows, that she can do better.

60-70: This man is passable, but he just scrapes by. I’m sorry. Even though it’s your friend dating him, you’re really the one who has to suffer through it, aren’t you?

<60 FAIL: Congratulations! You were right all along. The Ministry’s Boyfriend Removal Services are available and waiting for your call.

<0: Typical. No one is good enough for her, and no one ever will be. Except for you, because you are a perfect best friend.

Katie Heaney and Chiara Atik have never, ever been wrong about a friend’s boyfriend, and have unquestionably flawless objective judgment, though one time Katie liked a boy who wore camo-on-camo outfits. (Chiara’s taste is above reproach.)



250 Comments / Post A Comment

PistolPackinMama

I am dying here trying to stifle my hysterical laughter in the library. Choking, tear-stained professorship is so undignified.

This is a perfect demonstration of the sublime, perfect, perfectly flawed nature of best-friendship.

planforamiracle

@PistolPackinMama Man, if it weren't for your comment I'd be taking this stone-cold seriously. THANK YOU for the reality check!

PistolPackinMama

@planforamiracle Welllll... I mean. Truth and humor are not necessarily mutually exclusive. So, you know.

I am so tempted to run this on some less than fab boyfriends of friends I have met in my time.

(I just did- I quit when BFFs ex-BF tipped out at -190. ABUSER... he is one.)

planforamiracle

@PistolPackinMama yes, totally! I instinctively ran it on my own, current gentleman friend, sooo....

PistolPackinMama

Ooops- I accidentally deleted that. Sorry. Basically, that BFFs exBF was a really terrible person. He really was abusive. Now I am sad...

Katie Heaney

@PistolPackinMama that is one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. thank you :)

Gnatalby

@planforamiracle I did it for my current gentleman texter. He scored -116. Yikes.

PistolPackinMama

@Katie Heaney Aw... you are so welcome.

It hits all the right points, in my world. My family and I have running jokes about silly indexes and secret societies. I feel like I am in an eternal boyfriend evaluation of my BFFs man-friends. And BFFs. We so often have both their best interests and our own best interests at heart, contradictorily and simultaneously.

<3 for all those reason.

Minx Whatmore

@Gnatalby ummmm so I'm posting under my alternate account name...

my ex got -205

my current dude gets 127...

anyway I LOVED this, it's so, so gooooooood. so exactly what it is like! especially the bit about the best part of being with her being that he now gets to hang out with you. my best friend's boyfriend seems to have finally got this to a small degree. yessss.

Blackwatch Plaid

@Minx Whatmore I was just about to comment to that effect. Guy before current boyfriend: idek, like -100? Current boyfriend: 120 or so. Go us and our improving life choices!

jhonsons

This woke me right up. lol@j

deepomega

All I can add to this is that when I was in high school my band had a song called When I Spooge. So.

boyofdestiny

@deepomega MP3s or it didn't happen

LeafySeaDragon

"Has ever stood before her, while she was lying on the bed before/after sex, and made her admire his penis" why is this on the negative list? *ducks*

terrific

@LeafySeaDragon Also, does "look! It's like a helicopter!" count as forced admiration?

liznieve

@terrific
And what if a woman does it with her breasts? And says "BEHOLD!" everytime they are revealed? Uh, asking for a friend.

beeline96

@liznieve I think my friend will be saying "BEHOLD!" at her next big reveal... hahahahaha

PistolPackinMama

@liznieve Behold is just about the best word ever, so it gets an eternal pass.

Statham

@terrific My friend's bf is probably one of the nicest people out there, but he loves to do a good helicopter at the bedside every once and again, but he can't help himself.

alannaofdoom

@liznieve Well now I'm - I mean, uh, my friend is going to start doing this.

Katie Heaney

@terrific CHIARA AND I ARE SHARING HORRIFIED EMAILS RE: THIS TOPIC

spoondisaster

@LeafySeaDragon I learned about the "pride stance" or something today from my gentleman caller, which is, in his words, "when a guy has just had an orgasm so his penis is flaccid but still pretty big and he stands up and shows it off for the admiration of all present." Penis-owners, they are silly.

LeafySeaDragon

@spoondisaster i have never heard this articulated, but YAS! pre or post, admiring it is really to the benefit of all. and it's sexy.

spoondisaster

@LeafySeaDragon It is. If I didn't admire it I wouldn't be interfacing with it, but for the sake of thoroughness, let's look at it some more. Penises are great!

The Hyperbolic Julia Set

@beeline96 I think if it is mutual admiration involving the exclamation "BEHOLD!" that goes in the extra credit range.

beanie

@LeafySeaDragon does it count if he acts out the scene from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" where Jason Segel goes "have I got a surprise for you?" while Kristen Bell tries to dump him?

megancress

@LeafySeaDragon My best friends new boyfriend apparently likes to stand on his (my bbf's that is) bed and helicopter towards the open window. I'm pretty sure our neighbours think our house is a den of vice.

My own boyfriend refuses to show me the helicopter however, with uncharacteristic shyness. It's only intensified my need to see something that I had no feelings about before.

Craftastrophies

@spoondisaster I can confidently predict that if someone did this to me, I would either just grab it and hold on, or lick it - not a sexy lick, like a 'bleh' lick.

I am... not a mature person, I guess?

digsapony

@Craftastrophies My reaction would be the same. Or to try and helicopter my boobs, which I have TOTALLY never done.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

What if both partners often do a silly naked dance (accompanied by exclamations of "whoo!" and "nakeeeeeeeed!") for the other before hopping in the shower? Also asking for a friend.

Craftastrophies

@digsapony Oh my gooooooood. [lightbulb goes on over head].

Jeez, we have a lot of rude... friends. How come our friends are having so much fun? :P

D.@twitter

@megancress I haven't heard of it until just now. I will have to make inquiries accordingly.

parallel-lines

Watch out for the girlfriend peer focus group, they are a rough crowd!
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-girlfriend-tests-poorly-with-peer-focus-group,194/

alexah

semi-unrelated, but I want to start a post called "WHY HASN'T HE TEXTED ME!!!"

EpWs

@alexah BECAUSE HE IS A JUICEBOX SET HIM ON FIRE

russell brandom

@alexah I believe Listen Up Lady might have some useful advice here.

Craftastrophies

@russell brandom Oh no! "Listen up, lady! If your man snores like a buzz-saw and makes less than $35,000 a year, toss him to the street with the recycling." But he's darling, really!

klemay

Guys, I dated a -184. :(

PistolPackinMama

@klemay !!!!!!! Live and learn, I guess? I am too scared to do the add-up. I'd rather just go straight to the breakup bunker.

EpWs

@PistolPackinMama Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

rararuby

@PistolPackinMama I did the add-up and my dude did much worse than he deserved to - he gets drunk most of the times we go out, and is unemployed at the moment, and has had to borrow some money off me lately for unforeseen expenses. HE'S NOT A SCRUB, you guys. He also picked up all the extra credit, so...

ReginaSavage

@rararuby Odd because my dude totally failed but still did far better than I expected.

nonvolleyball

@rararuby but does he get "inappropriately* drunk? I feel the subjectivity of that metric is key here.

rararuby

@nonvolleyball He's Scottish, so by his cultural standards, no. By American ones? Yowza.

nonvolleyball

@rararuby ah. my husband & one of his college friends knew a Scottish guy who they still imitate (although I'm not sure if he ever actually said this specifically) saying: "the drunker I get, the stronger I feel--& right now, I'm fuckin' Superman." it sounds really amazing with a brogue, so you should just have your boyfriend say that, thus ensuring everyone finds him so charming they're still talking about him more than a decade later.

terrific

@rararuby I feel you! My dude is unemployed but it's so not his fault and he has a job offer on the horizon and I felt SO BAD taking away those 20 points... but then the +3 section made up for it.

bombazinedoll

@terrific I think some of those things need to be amended. I assumed it was meant for the type of person for whom being unemployed is the thing that they are known for. Chronically unemployed.

In addition, I used to pay for everything with my bf, because we were both in school, but I had a good paying job. Then when I was unemployed, he payed for everything. Now we just stay in because we are both broke.

rayray

I thought for a moment that this might be the new name for 'Ask a Dude/Lady'. Cos that's kind of what those are? Except the letter writers do the positives first and then the negatives.

travelmugs

@rayray Everyone who writes into 'Ask a Dude/Lady' should be required to take this test about their significant others first, that we we get, "I'm living with a guy whose a -240, but I'm interested in my hot male co-worker who is a +35," instead of the wishy-washy, "I love my boyfriend and he's great and all these unmentioned mysterious redeeming qualities, but he belittles me/kicks small woodland creatures/bathes only monthly/hasn't had a job since the Clinton administration."

The Hyperbolic Julia Set

@travelmugs YES! So much easier to understand!

camanda

My best friend periodically talks about a male friend of hers who is interested in her (feeling is not mutual). I haven't even met him, but he's totally a -64. She's probably never going to let me meet any of her future hypothetical boyfriends.

redheaded&crazy

i personally am down to 55 and I haven't even started on level II offenses

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie i'm talking about me by the way. not anybody's boyfriend. me.

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie SERIOUSLY WHO DOESN'T LICK THEIR FINGERS? THAT'S THE BEST PART.

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie oh just get rid of me, i'm revolting

EpWs

@redheaded&crazie Don't go, we love you!
(I was loath to interrupt this because I kind of wanted to see how far you'd go with it, but...)

nonvolleyball

@redheaded&crazie my husband frequently has to remind me that it's rude to loudly smack my lips in public when I'm eating tasty things. (I don't even realize I'm doing it!) & frequently said lip-smacking accompanies finger-licking, so you are not alone.

redheaded&crazy

@nonvolleyball HAH! my coworkers make fun of me for making "mmmmmm" noises when I'm really enjoying my food.

WHATEVER I LIKE FOOD OKAY

redheaded&crazy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher no i ... i think i'm done. i mean done here. with dating. forever.

(i did significantly better on the level II and III offenses)

ThatWench

@redheaded&crazie FINGER LICKING IS THE OBVIOUSLY BEST WAY TO CLEAN THE FINGERS.

Also, the feller and I are kinda both guilty of baby-ish voices (mostly in private, mostly to the cats?)

camanda

@redheaded&crazie I'm totally paranoid that my one poor eating habit is going to render me a spinster at the ripe old age of 24: it is that I eat my food like someone's going to steal it. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I like food! I want to eat alllllll the food! Immediately! I'm totally terrified of going on dates that involve meals because of this.

redheaded&crazy

@camanda idunno. i do this too? my last boyfriend found it endearing. he was awful though so ...

whatever, I eat food. la dee da

editrickster

@redheaded&crazie My boyfriend does this too. I do it now just to piss him off, except he knows when I'm faking food satisfaction.

annveal

@redheaded&crazie I started to rate myself before I realized it was terrible idea. I will just...try my best...with the next one.

Xanthophyllippa

@camanda @redheaded&crazie You two can come eat with me anytime. As long as you don't chew loudly like a camel, we can eat ALL THE FOODZ very quickly and then lick our fingers and possibly also our plates ew no I'd never do that except for the times I do.

But never in restaurants. I use my fingers to scoop the debris up and then lick them.

roadtrips

@Xanthophyllippa Oh, can I go on dates with you guys? I just went out with a friend and she had to point out like 5 times that I had (large pieces of) food stuck in my teeth. AGH I am going out on a first date in two days and I can't learn to eat like a civilized person in that amount of time. What to dooooooo.

Xanthophyllippa

@roadtrips Order soup?

camanda

@Xanthophyllippa Oh man, I am so in. And is this a good time for me to mention that I eat the lettuce dregs that fall out of my chicken sandwich at Red Robin? With my hands? Because I do. THEY'RE COATED IN MAYONNAISE AND CONSEQUENTLY DELICIOUS. And they never fall on my fries where I could at least pretend I don't notice them and eat them that way. Stupid lettuce.

camanda

@Xanthophyllippa Oh man, I am so in. And is this a good time for me to mention that I eat the lettuce dregs that fall out of my chicken sandwich at Red Robin? With my hands? Because I do. THEY'RE COATED IN MAYONNAISE AND CONSEQUENTLY DELICIOUS. And they never fall on my fries where I could at least pretend I don't notice them and eat them that way. Stupid lettuce.

camanda

@camanda Hey, how did this double-post? That's not cool.

nonvolleyball

@camanda I also do this--& my husband & I have been known to make a salad out of the lettuce layer that some restaurants use when plating sandwiches, etc.

on one of our first real dates, said husband & I went to a BBQ place & realized after we'd ordered that we'd gotten the most non-date-friendly things imaginable: wings & ribs, I think. but then we were like, "so you're cool if I'm about to be gnawing on bones & covered in sauce?" I think the solution is to find someone who's almost as gross as you are (but who will occasionally correct you if you've gotten too carried away in public).

Inkling

@camanda
(1) Mmmm the dregs I KNOW
(2) That eating habit may be endearing to guardian/caregiver types? They will want to be like "Nooo, it's okay, you're in a safe place. No one will take it. There is more food here. I will get you more food. Shh-hhh." At least, that is my response.

Also, I JUST figured out that I always ignore my boyfriend's friends a bit, because my first boyfriend was super jealous and it's kind of leftover from that?! So I'm gonna stop! And be better! THIS POST HAS HELPED ME WITH MY LIFE!

Bitterblue

@redheaded&crazie I was scared to count ? Because I have the feeling I would be a terrible boyfriend by this metric? Does this count for lesbians? God I hope not. Also does this mean I'm a scrub??? Ahhhhhhh

But ... you need to lick your fingers to get the deliciousness off!! Also "splooge" is hilarious! For some reason we got "fertilized" eggs at work and I went around calling them "eggs! now with extra rooster splooge!" because I'm witty and also 5. *abashed face* I'm a scrub you guuuuys!

Xanthophyllippa

@Bitterblue Aaaand you work where, now?

@camanda @Inkcrafter: We need to eat together ALL the time. Because the other day when I was gobbling my Wendy's cod fillet in the car (I was not driving), I actually licked the lettuce detritus off the wrapper because it was covered in tartar sauce. I also used the wrapper to scrape off the tartar sauce because there was too much of it, but then promptly dipped my fries in it. Why yes, I am a revolting hog; why do you ask?

camanda

@Xanthophyllippa @Inkcrafter Revolting hog 'Pinup time!

EpWs

My friends and I have narrowed this down to two rules:
1. Does he wear [a lot of] hair gel?
2. Does he drive a Jeep Wrangler?

Both of these things should automatically disqualify a dude from datingship, or, if they're already dating, qualify as the only red flags that count.

Emby

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher :( What's wrong with my jeep?

planforamiracle

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher My dad narrowed it down to one rule: Does he enjoy food/eating/cooking, and similarly, does he have decent table manners?
This has been a pretty good litmus test, although sadly it doesn't rule out snobs. And most of my boyfriends have been good dudes with bad table manners. So I think I like your rules better!

EpWs

@Emby Look, the Jeep test has worked for multiple friends' ex-boyfriends/potential boyfriends/etc. Sorry dude. I don't know how it works, it just works.
@planforamiracle I like it!

Emby

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Well, I am pretty bad news, so you're probably right to avoid...

leonstj

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher - You remind me of my jeep (and now, off to spotify!)

ironhoneybee

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher My mother's only dating advice to me consisted of warning me off men who had gunracks in their pickups.

Artressa Vandelay

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher: Really? Who doesn't like a guy in a jeep? I think it's the dudes in polo shirts with popped collars ya gotta look out for.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@Artressa Vandelay: It depends heavily on the Jeep.

Kind of beat up, daily use Wrangler with dog in passenger seat, beach and hiking gear in the back = good

Pimpin' Jeep with street rims or giant mudders, flawless paint, obnoxious stereo system ('poser Jeep') = bad

Artressa Vandelay

@Too Much Internet: True! I was definitely picturing a dog (a big dog, probably a mut) and outdoorsy gear.

EpWs

@ironhoneybee This seems flawless. Adopting immediately.

slutberry

@Too Much Internet Too Much Internet got it right. Too Much Internet got it good.

I have wanted an old beat up pickup for as long as I can remember.

grammarqueen

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Oh man, I drive a Jeep Wrangler. But I'm a woman. I've been driving that thing for almost 12 years now (for real!), and nearly every guy I've ever encountered has thought it was super hot, including my current boyfriend... so maybe this is opposite for girls?

EpWs

@grammarqueen I don't think it applies to ladies with hair gel and Jeeps, only dudes.

LaLoba

@Emby I have longed for a jeep wrangler since I was about seven; I always imagined I'd be driving a red one around by this point in my life. I think it might have something to do with Kevin Bacon's character in Tremors, or with Jurassic Park.

Alas, many facets of the wrangler would be deeply illogical for my life. Therefore, I have decided that you can just take me on jeep outings on rocky hillsides on Sundays. Let the haters hate themselves while they are stuck in the mud with 2 wheel drive and can't hang out of the side of their vehicle wearing sunglasses and hanging on the frame!

ReginaSavage

My dude and I almost constantly refer to it as "splooge". Really I've yet to find a better word for it. Splooge just seems like the most appropriate word for it!

redheaded&crazy

@ReginaSavage splooge is the best term for it

tessamae

@ReginaSavage Wait, I've always thought it was spooge?! No L! I just used it today over on another thread.

Aaaaaaaaaand now I'm embarrassed.

ThatWench

@tessamae Considering that it's in the category of "things people are constantly inventing new/updating old slang for", I think you were just helping the evolution along. (See: never-ending debate/confusion about "come" versus "cum".)

Onymous

@ThatWench It's like how between 2008-2010 porn was officially spell pr0n.

Danzig!

@ReginaSavage Baby batter!

options

@Onymous I had no idea :)
Article

beeline96

I haven't even read this yet but as soon as I saw "Katie Heaney and Chiara Atik" I BEAMED and SQUEALED and I'm SO EXCITED because I know it's going to be amazing.

planforamiracle

So semi-serious question here:
My fella NEVER sleeps over and it hurts my feelings. But, he has the valid excuse of being too tall for my bed. He is 6'4" and I have a footboard. We've been together for 2.5 years but haven't discussed moving in together and there is no way I can get a new bed just for this minor gripe. But how could I handle this?

ReginaSavage

@planforamiracle Remove the footboard.

planforamiracle

@ReginaSavage Hahah. Believe it or not, I've thought of that ;)
It's integral to the structure of the bedframe.

beeline96

@planforamiracle Cut his feet off.

PistolPackinMama

@beeline96 You beat me to it. (I think it is worth the new bed. I do.)

nonvolleyball

@planforamiracle this may be a ridiculously implausible suggestion depending on the design of your bed, but if the footboard is just a little taller than the mattress, maybe you could get a foam pad for the top (or even a new, puffier mattress) so that the footboard wasn't any higher than the mattress itself?

...that's how my bed works, but my mom inherited my bedframe from her great-aunt for her first post-college apartment, so I'm not qualified to dispense advise on anything manufactured in the last 50 years.

EpWs

@planforamiracle I've got the same issue. #tallboyfriendproblems

rararuby

@planforamiracle I had this very problem, 6'5" boyfriend + footboard + early starts for me + longer commute from his place = almost no weektime sleepovers. I moved house eventually, and had a divan but then we just broke up after a while.
The few nights he did sleepover were the worst - he could only sleep diagonally across the bed.

ETA I should say, if I had been both committed to the relationship and to staying where I was living, I would have invested in a new bed.

ReginaSavage

@planforamiracle Then clearly your bed is made of fail. I don't know, I bought a steel bedframe for like $30 and its great.

alannaofdoom

@ReginaSavage @beeline96 A Skilsaw (or a handsaw if you're really dedicated, I guess) could help with both of those!

ThatWench

@planforamiracle As a 6'5" person myself, I believe the solution is obvious: footboards are the devil and should never be acquired in the first place.

In seriousness, and as a variation on nonvolleyball's thought, maybe look into getting a second(?) box spring as a way to get up higher? Aren't they supposed to be super-cheap?

planforamiracle

@nonvolleyball @rararuby thanks for your helpful input . I kinda feel like it shouldn't matter who sleeps over at whose house but.... here I am hung up on it!

Danzig!

@planforamiracle Get a bearskin rug and fuck on that

Unless you're vegans, in which case... Stick with hardwood,* I guess

*I mean this in both ways

anachronistique

@alannaofdoom Or talk to this dude Procrustes.

boyofdestiny

Guys are the worst, amirite?

redheaded&crazy

@boyofdestiny ursorite

PistolPackinMama

@boyofdestiny I find ebola worse. Never opens the door, borrows my money AND turns my guts to liquid in a horrifying, painful death process.

But maybe that's just me?

Bittersweet

@boyofdestiny: No.

beeline96

@boyofdestiny Acceptable guys are the best!

leonstj

I got worried it would be all negatives. I was down to an 80 just on things I do, let alone things I might occassionally fuck up if I weren't single.

Luckily I cook amazing dinners every Sunday for Mad Men and practically am always broke cuz of buying people drinks (humblebrag!). And the tv is gigantic, but its my roommates, not mine. Can I still get points?

meetapossum

@leon.saintjean As if you needed another reason for all the women of the Hairpin to want you to find a ladyfriend!

leonstj

@meetapossum - I am far less charming when I get home drunk from happy with los hombres Thursday nights and demanding on blasting "Kiss From A Rose" 30-90 times in a row, spilling grenadine all over the kitchen floor while attempting to make cocktails I really don't need and trying to like, make hummus out of black beans, or whatever dumb shit I do when I'm wasted.

Lucienne

@leon.saintjean I don't know what you're talking about, that sounds ideal to me.

beeline96

@leon.saintjean Nope, still sounds like a lot of fun!

BuffyBot

@leon.saintjean all of this is charming. or maybe I'm just not charming? although most recently the song I demanded on repeat was "Call Me Maybe" in the past it has been "Kiss from a Rose"

tessamae

@leon.saintjean "Kiss from a Rose" was made to be blasted and grenadine is delicious. End of story.

EpWs

@leon.saintjean I feel like "Is a male 'Pinner" should get some extra credit.

packedsuitcase

@leon.saintjean I love that you included "making hummus out of black beans" in the list of stupid things you do whilst drunk.

Nicole Cliffe

@leon.saintjean FIND LOVE, LEON. ARE YOU IN THE NEW YORK AREA?

theotherginger

@Nicole Cliffe @leon.saintjean ARE YOU IN TORONTO? I know many awesome ladies that lurk on the hairpin and never go to meetups... just saying...

Nicole Cliffe

I also have a super-hot female friend in the DC area.

leonstj

@Nicole Cliffe - I cannot find love. This is a hopeless place, no matter how many yellow diamonds are in the sky. (GUESS WHAT I'M DRUNK LISTENING TO ON REPEAT!)

ImASadGiraffe

@leon.saintjean Come to Chicago. There are not many guys like you and you would find love (ahem, I'm single).

Alixana

I had this college boyfriend that I dumped for dirty sheets and being mean to my mother, and my BFF was like "thank GOD, his super tight pants were really a major problem for me." None of those things are on this list!

ironhoneybee

@Alixana I've never met either of you, but his super tight pants are also a major problem for me.

Alixana

@ironhoneybee Strangely, I never really noticed them? I must have had some sort of tight-pants blind spot.

DianaPrince

@Alixana - You sound like you're doing okay without a list. Good call on the mom thing especially.

Alixana

@xx-xx-xx He said she was a bitch! (to me, not to her). I threw a book at him. I think it was a paperback, in my defense.

PistolPackinMama

@Alixana That's an awful thing to do... to a book.

And yes, good call on the mom thing. What?!

Infinite Jess

@Alixana COLLEGE BOYFRIEND OFFENSES, oh my lord, such mistakes I have made.

- Wears utilikilts
- Wears cheap sunglasses with nylon strap that goes around the back of the neck
- Five-point geometric star-shape tattoo
- Pedophile jokes
- Suicide Girls as his computer desktop
- Techno music, only techno music, all the time, JESUS GOD
- Thinks you are dumb for liking Mean Girls, which I think we can all agree is the best movie
- Muttonchops
- Takes you to a party with some "cool people" who turn out to not know him and are famous for hosting orgies at their parties, which he knew but did not tell you about, in hopes that you would participate in an orgy, which they did not end up hosting that night because they were politely standoffish towards the strangers at their party and everyone just watched funny Youtube videos and ate snacks and it turned out being an ok party, but, SERIOUSLY.
- Gave you mono which didn't fully incubate until after you broke up.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

"Is a good and caring texter."

Oh Christ I have no idea what this means...I'm screwed.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@josiahg Does "BRING BACK COOKIES AND COCONUT JUICE" count as good and caring texting? The majority of the texts in my relationship boil down to who's picking up which snacks on the way home.

tessamae

@josiahg RIGHT. What about when their first text is always "hey". Just "hey". Forever. Definitely. No matter what time. No matter if we have plans. No matter if I saw him yesterday or a week ago. "hey".

Katie Heaney

@tessamae -75 POINTS AUTOMATICALLY

DH@twitter

@josiahg

Sleaze-metal lyrics are good, caring texts, right?

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@werewolfbarmitzvah
Yes, and I'm pretty sure that "on the train home now with bourbon" also counts as good and caring texting, so I guess we're both okay.

redheaded&crazy

@Katie Heaney can we seriously have a full article dedicated to why texting is so important to me (the we me not the me me) because OMG IT'S TEXTING WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH.

i'm asking for a boy

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@josiahg Ex: Replies "wtf", "that sucks," "i'm sorry baby," "hugz when u get home," "i love you," etc. when you send a complain-y text about your shitty day

ms. alex

My college roommate/bff had a long-distance boyfriend, and when he came up to visit for the first time, we gave him a questionnaire. All I can remember about it was that we also required him to break a coconut w/o any tools, which he succeeded at. We approved of him.

Lila Fowler

@ms. alex How did he break the coconut?!

DianaPrince

@Lila Fowler - I also want to know the answer to this!

ms. alex

@Lila Fowler We allowed MMA gloves (if I remember right, there wasn't a whole lot to them), and he punched it.

DianaPrince

@ms. alex Ouch.

PistolPackinMama

@ms. alex I... I... You need to try and recreate that questionnaire and then make it widely available on the Pin. Please. Because I have a feeling it will be PRICELESS.

EpWs

@ms. alex Am now adopting the coconut test. Perfect.

ms. alex

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher "You want to date our friend? Okay. Here's a coconut."

EpWs

@ms. alex I will have to carry half a dozen of them around in a tote bag at all times.

packedsuitcase

@ms. alex With no more explanation than that.

Bitterblue

@ms. alex this is amazing. I second the call for a reproduction of this questionnaire.

I also want to know the reasoning behind the coconut, but also kind of want it to remain a mystery. Retain that coconut mystique, you know?

Ellie

My best friend's boyfriend is Irish and I can't evaluate him because I feel like the standards are wildly different. (E.g. I cannot understand the pants he wears.) It's like Lizzie in Queen of Babble where she can't tell Andrew is incredibly lame because he's British. Except I really like my best friend's boyfriend, so I think I'm ok.

Lila Fowler

@Ellie "It's like Lizzie in Queen of Babble where she can't tell Andrew is incredibly lame because he's British."

Aaaah. My boyfriend is from NotAmerica and I definitely have spent some time wondering if there's a bunch of stuff I'm missing because of the cultural/language barriers. I think he's A+, but we haven't been dating long and I have a bad track record so....?

thebestjasmine

@Ellie <3 <3 for the Meg Cabot reference.

PistolPackinMama

@thebestjasmine "I want to take that blowjob back!"

Equestrienne

+5 points for each Grateful Dead poster. That is all.

leonstj

@Equestrienne - my beads are from Mardi Gras, and I only kept the ones which were throws from Krewes or given out at places I eat, not just like, random ones that flew off balconies. So they should be okay.

And I mean, I also have my cups, doubloons and a motherfucking Zulu Coconut in my room. So my beads are definitely okay.

Cat Hall@facebook

@Equestrienne Mardi Gras in NOLA can be forgiven. +10 pts for Zulu Coconut.

martinipie

@leon.saintjean ZULU COCONUT means you win all the boyfriend points.

beeline96

Following @planforamiracle's question about boyfriends and beds, does anyone have any tips for:

a) getting your boyfriend to stop snoring
or
b) falling asleep and staying asleep despite another's snoring, for a very light sleeper who often falls asleep after the boyfriend is already asleep and snoring, and who can't use earplugs due to her sensitive sinuses?
or
c) buying a good white noise machine?

Wikipedia tells me I will lose, on average, 1 hour of sleep a night :(

LeafySeaDragon

@beeline96 i keep a fan on all night and sleep to the far left of a king size bed. and i kick him periodically. get him a neti pot, it'll help.

alannaofdoom

@beeline96 to deal with snoring:
1) Cover boyfriend's nose and mouth.
2) Wait.

*These claims have not been evaluated by the FDA.

(Wow, I'm really punchy this afternoon. I'm... just going to show myself out.)

beeline96

@alannaofdoom I told planforamiracle to cut her boyfriend's feet off... so I definitely deserved this :) I do, however, want him around in the morning.

Alixana

@beeline96 I find a sharp elbow to the ribs highly effective.

canary

@beeline96 Okay, so here's what you secretly do. It might not work if your boyfriend is a serious snorer, but for the occasional ones, it usually does.

When he starts to snore, gently and inconspicuously nudge him until he partially/completely wakes up. You may need to nudge harder and harder until it works. Usually, this will cause him to change positions, which will cause the snoring to stop at least long enough for you to fall asleep. Repeat as necessary. Be ready to pretend you're asleep in case he looks at you.

veryanonymous

@beeline96 If you have a smart phone, get a white noise app for it and listen to it as you fall asleep. They often have "sleep settings" as well, so you can make it automatically turn off after awhile.

tessamae

@beeline96 Um, Breathe Right strips. They may be unsightly, but they worked wonders on my ex-bf!

TheBourneApproximation

@beeline96 My three-stage plan:

1) Elbow in the ribcage and/or light jostle.
2) Pillow over my own head.
3) Go downstairs, fall asleep on couch, wake up two hours later, and trudge upstairs to fall asleep again in bed because I am still only half awake.

I have only had to go to stage 3 once, but by god it worked.

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

@canary This is what I do. ALL. THE. TIME.

My other trick is that I've had to take benadryl for my allergies and thus sleep through all the things.

Reginal T. Squirge

@beeline96 Cut his feet off.

iceberg

@canary Yup. Increasingly aggresive shoving/poking is the way to go for the occassional non-chronic snorer!

maiasaura

@beeline96 The elbowing is good except that I am apparently kind of aggressive when sleepy and annoyed and once caused my boyfriend actual pain with a WWF-style elbow to the solar plexus and triggered a long series of in-jokes about how he had weaponized his girlfriend, so YMMV.

Also, according to his mother, his father had some sort of minor surgical thing done by his dentist that magically ended the snoring forever?

PomPom

@beeline96 I have just gone through this, with my boyfriend's snoring having gotten so loud that we were taking turns sleeping on the couch. It became a pretty unhappy problem for both of us. He tried Breathe Right strips, which helped somewhat but not enough. (Some people swear by them, though, so YMMV.) What has worked for us is a white noise machine. I was very skeptical of this solution because his snoring was SO FRICKIN LOUD, but I'll be damned if it didn't work. We got the Sound Conditioner Sound Screen SleepMate Electro-Mechanical White Noise Machine from Amazon, which I recommend unreservedly.

Better to Eat You With

@beeline96 I place one hand gently in the middle of my husband's back when he starts up and leave it there for a minute or so. This wakes him up just enough to stop the snoring, but not all the way. It almost always works.

Inkling

@beeline96
Remember that website mentioned in a post here, simplynoise.com? The brown noise is awesome on oscillation, kind of oceanic!
Also, if you/a friend has an iPhone, a $4 app is one that has 45 minute NON-LOOP recordings of extremely varied sleep noises in the categories of Ocean, Rain, Thunder, Beach, Forest and Static. The varieties are like Overflowing Gutter or Splashy Rain on Canvas or Medium Rain with Coming Storm--the specificities almost sound pornographic, like someone has a fetish for specifically "splashy rain, fat drops on car roof with medium thunder" but I DIGRESS.
You probably have a program on your computer (like Audacity) that allows you to record things, so even if you don't have an iPhone, you could pay someone the $4 and record all the sounds for sleeping.

Sylvia A. Rudy@facebook

@beeline96 I, too, am a very light sleeper who is sensitive to snoring.. When I have to share hotel rooms with snoring people, I have something called "sleepphones" (which can be found on Thinkgeek or at their eponymous website). They're cushy earbands with earphones in them so you can lie on your side and not hurt yourself with the earbuds (or have to plug your ears in the first place). I play white noise or binaural beats on it from my phone, and even set my alarm so I don't wake anyone else with it.

cmonster

-193!!! for my last boyfriend. geez. secret girlfriends really bring down the score.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

I am routinely skeptical of my friends' new boyfriends but the one time I thought R. had chosen well the boyfriend turned out to be a secret disaster! Which is to say, thanks for the quiz because I need something more than my subjective perceptions which are obviously terrible.

Tropical Iceland

Whoops, my boyfriend just scored 103.

To be fair, my boyfriend is a train hopper and actively recovering heroin addict whose been living with me for four weeks, which happens to be exactly how long we've been dating. All of his belongings fit in a backpack and he's been homeless for three years? But he's really cute!

smartastic

@Tropical Iceland So you're using the term 'boyfriend' loosely, eh?

frigwiggin

Yeah, I am scoring wayyyyy worse on this than my boyfriend is. (I talk loudly when excited. And when on the phone. And on days ending in Y. :( I can't help it.)

frigwiggin

@frigwiggin However, I own more shoes than he does. Ha! I knew that would come in handy. (It did not come in handy yesterday when I forgot to bring work shoes in my bag [I rode my bike] and he was trying to figure out which pair I wanted after he offered to bring some to me. "The brown and tan ones? These look white! What's an oxford?")

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

@frigwiggin Ha!

I still don't think of you as a loud person. Your boy just has the MOST SENSITIVE EARSIES.

sarah girl

@frigwiggin I just snorted at "What's an oxford?"

I don't really talk too loudly, but I laugh too loudly ALL THE TIME. I'm not even joking, I have gotten in trouble for it multiple times, mainly by waking people up. :(

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

Guuuys. I definitely ask my boy who he would sleep with, but then I respond with mine too? Neither of us are fans of the whole ONLY YOU ARE SEXY TO ME BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT EXCLUSIVITY MEEEANS.

Besides. Then we would never have had multiple hilarious conversations about who would get first chances with (MUTUAL DREAM GIRL) in the (not at all likely considering pending wedding) case of break ups.

DH@twitter

I cheated, tallied up for my gentleman lover, and am pleased to award him 111 points (he got inappropriately drunk once).

DH@twitter

@DH@twitter

I guess I might be somewhat biased.

tibia

@DH@twitter Samesies! Except I think my boyfriend's total was like 123. Is that even a possible number?

DH@twitter

@tibia

YES and your dude should wear it with pride, man.

KilgoreTrout

I'm so glad that chewing ice cream is universally unacceptable. Thanks Hairpin for reinforcing my opinions!

BattyRabbit

@KilgoreTrout I didn't even realize that was a thing people did, and now I'm horrified! Do these people also chew yogurt??

martinipie

@KilgoreTrout Wait, what are we including here? Because I occasionally bite a Popsicle....

redheaded&crazy

@KilgoreTrout i also didn't even realize this was a thing until HORROR OF HORRORS I was eating ice cream and observed myself chewing it.

IS THIS A REGULAR THING I DO AND NEVER NOTICED? AM I DOOMED TO SOCIAL ALIENATION?

worst of all this takes another 5 points off my score

Nicole Cliffe

No, I love you. I love you no matter what.

Xanthophyllippa

@martinipie That makes you freaky, but not undateable. Popsicle-biters make my teeth hurt in sympathy.

My dad chews his coffee.

anachronistique

@KilgoreTrout Do you people just swallow the peanut butter cups or whatever WHOLE?

KilgoreTrout

@anachronistique good point. Ice cream laden with goodies is ok to chew. I will frown at you as you chew though.

Fodforever

My BFF is engaged to a 100! (He does have a couple 5 point deductions and one 20 point, but like, does everything on the 3 point addition list!).

Onymous

I missed that we were supposed to start at 100!
That makes the scoring make way more sense, but also less amusing.

The Hyperbolic Julia Set

This list hilarious, but incomplete. It is missing CRUCIAL character flaws like flagrant disrespect for religious or other beliefs, suggesting marriage like 1 week into the relationship, making fun of/disbelief in PMS, rubbing snuff, eating all the chocolate, inability to properly use a condom, and support for the "confederate war against northern aggression." And yet, most appropriately, the ex that turned out to be the lead screamer in a death metal band is like a -100 and the husband is an 85, so maybe additions to the form are unnecessary :)

Minx Whatmore

@The Hyperbolic Julia Set

I love all your extra suggestions, but my current dude who scored above 100 has a metal band... so yeah maybe it just depends on what works for you? :)

Also I love your username!

redheaded&crazy

@The Hyperbolic Julia Set oh god "confederate war against northern aggression"

Apocalypstick

@The Hyperbolic Julia Set Snuff? Seriously? Did he at least let you borrow his time machine?

Danzig!

I tried to set up an internship with this department through my MPA program but they never got back to me. Thought about filing a complaint with the EEOC.

TheDragon

I tried to be as objective as possible, didn't answer yes to any of the "Best friend" questions, and my friend's fiance still scored in the -200's.

charlottecat

This is really funny.

And to totally derail (I never remember this at the right time!): what ever happened to that Arianne Cohen (something like that?) lady and the diaries?

TheDragon

-260 to be exact.
I'm just sad there wasn't an option for "tries to get you to cheat on your best friend with him. After she's had his child"

I really really really want his balls gone

Minx Whatmore

@The Kendragon AH YES. My god, I'm so sorry that happened to you both!

EpWs

@The Kendragon Whoaaaaaaa.

Better to Eat You With

@The Kendragon Your friend has a terrible case of bad taste in men. Several of my friends and most of the women in my family have it, too. It is usually incurable, sadly.

TheDragon

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
Can we BURN HIM WITH FIRE?

Nicole Cliffe

@The Kendragon Fire fire fire fire cleansing power of fire

The Lady of Shalott

My boyfriend and I went through this TOGETHER and he still managed to score an 86. I think I'll keep him.

AND I think now I have a lever to get him to quit referring to "bitches" so, baby steps. Baby steps.

happy go lucky scamp

@The Lady of Shalott gah my boy does that too... bitches be crazy has becoming his new favourite phrase and i'm trying to beat it out of him.

mystique

@The Lady of Shalott What did YOU score?

The Lady of Shalott

@mystique I plead the fifth.

Xanthophyllippa

@sparkles Use a frying pan.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

"Willing to hold her purse" like come on, you have to hold her purse for like ten seconds and you've probably carried heavier things, so if you don't like it, then you are not a good BFF's boyfriend.

happy go lucky scamp

@Rookie do they get bonus points for pretending to model the purse while they hold it?

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

I had never thought of that! But yes. +3 for being OK with holding a purse and not looking like doing a favour for your girlfriend is THE WORST THING EVER OMG WHAT IF PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE A MAN WHO CARRIES A PURSE EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT. + 10 for modeling the purse. And another +1 if he smizes!

redheaded&crazy

@Rookie yeah i dunno, i mean sure i guess +3. i make all my guy friends hold my purse all the time. they make fun of me mildly in a "shit girls say" kind of way but they sure as hell hold it! who says no to "can you hold my bag?"

nonvolleyball

@redheaded&crazie I usually go with "mind if I emasculate you for a sec?"

redheaded&crazy

@nonvolleyball i am so going to start using that

Xanthophyllippa

@nonvolleyball They probably agree because they're afraid the emasculatory alternative to holding your purse will be even worse.

MopRocks

Well, we aren't best friends, but my roomie's bloke scored a -162. I wish we were close enough for me to tell her what a bad person he is.

Scandyhoovian

Oooh, fiance scored 109. I dinged him 20 for never wanting to sleep over at my place before we lived together (blah blah something about hating my mattress topper blah blah) but he gained all the points back in the extra credit.

Me, however... I'm not doing so well (WHO DOESN'T LICK THEIR FINGERS? I say 'word' all the time... and I am somewhat bossy. Hrmmmm).

Katie Heaney

@Scandyhoovian one nice thing about the Boyfriend Acceptability Index is that it immediately combusts when you try to turn it on yourself, because you are BEYOND JUDGMENT!

D.@twitter

@Scandyhoovian My boy got over 100% too...and I did take away some points, but he just made so many of them up by being wonderful! Like, move helping, CHECK, purse-holding, CHECK, refills, CHECK, &c. &c. I realize that he is rare, and I try and tell him often how sweet and wonderful he is. :)))

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

OK. What if, THEORETICALLY, you have a friend who you exchanged drunken "I love you!"s with in front of her bf, and then said bf responded with "You guys should kiss" in a I'm-totally-joking-unless-you're-cool-with-that-I-guess-that-would-be-ok-for-me-to-watch way? And also they have been dating for years and have lived together for a while and just moved into their first together place.

I guess what I want to know is does he automatically lose a million points for that.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

Also can you punch him in the testes whenever you want now.

Bitterblue

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me AHHHHHH WHAT THAT IS HORRIBLE Yes, yes to both things, punch him a million times.

I had an ex who would suggest that my BFF and I could kiss and he could "watch" (we are incidentally both bi but I don't feel that way about my friends, that's just weird? idk) and I regret that I did not punch him into an alternate dimension for it. I guess ripping a hole in the time-space continuum would have been bad, but still. WORST COMMENT EVER TO SAY, ESPECIALLY to a bi woman, ASSHOLE. Fuck. I need some calming green tea now.

zdravo

i love this comment thread and this article SO HARD.

Gabby Ooh@facebook

I'd like to see what some of the guys on here would score!

http://100percentmatch.tumblr.com/

Aa@twitter

@Gabby Ooh@facebook

Um, I scored a 9. Mostly because I get really bored when going out to the bars all the time, I don't watch television (ever), and as a grad student I am currently unemployed (aside from my TA duties) - lost 60 points for these items alone!

Where are my points for being a cunnillingus enthusiast, a buyer of flowers for no special occasion, a close friend of my SO's parents, and the primary cook/cleaning person?

Aa@twitter

THE GIRLFRIEND ACCEPTABILITY INDEX
(To Be Filled Out By The Boyfriend’s Best Friend)

Level I Offenses – Subtract 5 points each if she...
- Conspicuous application of make-up (see caking)
- Vocal frye
- Accessorizes unnecessarily, to point of distraction. (Chains, bracelets, necklaces, rings, etc.)
- Used to fawn after neckless dude-bros, but is now all into skinny tattood guys (wants an accessory rather than a boyfriend)
- Wears hats for any other reason than for providing warmth in cold weather
- Wears hi heels during non-formal occasions, but complains about wearing high heels
- Constantly sends text messages to best friend
- Constantly wants to read unfunny text messages received from her best friend
- Has a DVD copy of Amelie
- Refers to her vagina as ‘down there’
- Thinks yoga is exercise
- Pronounces the greeting ‘hi’ as hi-eeee!’
- Has crushes on fictional characters from television or movies
- Reads ‘Young Adult’ novels
- Has more male friends than female
- Takes longer than 30 minutes to leave the house
- Always forgets something critical after leaving the house
- Always orders something she doesn’t really want and then eats her boyfriend’s meal instead
- Overzealous use of obnoxious slang. (“Besties/BFF,” “amaaaaaazing,” “seriously?!?!,” “don’t you just LOVE this???”, and any other slang that happens to bother you, The Best Friend.)

Level II Offenses – Subtract 20 points each if she...
- Hits on every bartender, every time drinks are happening
- Interrupts conversation at a bar with triumphant statements like ‘Ooooh this is my JAM!” and drags your friend to the dancefloor to dryhump in public
- Has a ‘purse dog’
- Baby talk and/or pouty face (used for boyfriend and/or purse dog)
- Wears sweatpants with words on butt
- Owns anything ‘be-jeweled’, sequined, or glittery
- Reads lifestyle magazines such as Cosmo, Glamour, etc – or – rants about the media patriarchy while constantly buying those stupid magazines and watching banal television shows
- Used to froth over James Franco and Don Draper but is now super-gaga over Ryan Gosling or whoever the media patriarchy tells her to like
- Has a manicure that prevents her from using her hands
- Constantly comments on what movie/tv characters are wearing or how ‘hot’ they are
- Talks openly about defecation, while defecating, with the door open
- Dates him because he was in a band
- Doesn’t want him to practice, play shows, or tour with band
- Makes references to other men/”hotties” in front of you and him
- Frequently expects him to buy her things
- Never leaves enough money when it’s time to split the bill
- Interrupts him, constantly
- Is bossy and controlling
- Accompanies her boyfriend everywhere
- Relies on him for constant emotional reassurance

Level III Offenses – Subtract 40 points each if she...
- Get inappropriately pouty and baby-talky when she isn’t the center of attention during a US Open Tournament
- Disappears to email/chat with ex-boyfriends when she’s not getting enough attention during Wimbledon
- Wants every night to be a ‘Girls Night Out’, but wants boyfriend to come along and be ‘one of the girls’
- Is 5’3” but is full-on Electra Complex with your friend who is 6’1”
- Tries to set you up with all of her other shallow, club-hopping and backstabby friends
- Loves receiving oral sex but showers infrequently

Extra Credit: Add 3 points each if she...
- Doesn’t navigate the world solely based on consumption and opinions of other people’s consumption
- Doesn’t listen to Top 40 radio music
- Gives a damn about social and environmental justice, and realizes that her day-to-day decisions have a political dimension that she should actively take responsibility for
- Doesn’t use plastic bags whenever possible
- Shops for groceries using the periphery rather than the aisles
- Can enjoy and finish a meal without checking her phone
- Doesn’t pluck her eyebrows down to thin and sickly little arched lines
- Is remarkably hot (ie no make-up, intelligent, political, physically fit, etc). Which doesn’t excuse all evils, but definitely some
- Self-identifies as a feminist, and behaves accordingly (ie, recognizing that the world cannot be divided in half based on gender - and that race, class, religion and other factors have proven to be much more salient)
- Great to have around at a party
- Happily weighs in with “girl POV” advice, but only when you request it
- Gets her boyfriend a refill when her glass is empty, and then asks if you need a refill as well
- Sits in front next to the driver when the taxi has four people in it
- Shows affection to her boyfriend without engaging in PDA.
- Thinks that a ‘nice apartment’ is actually nicer without a huge plasma TV dominating the whole damn living room and focus of interaction

Scoring:
90-100: Hmmm ... unusually high marks. Do you think she might be hiding something? Keep an eye on this one.
80-90: Well, she isn’t up to your standards for him, of course, but if your friend wants to date her, we see nothing too egregious.
70-80: Technically, she’s fine, but be sure to constantly remind your friend, through pointed remarks and raised eyebrows, that he can do better.
60-70: This woman is passable, but she just scrapes by. I’m sorry. Even though it’s your friend dating her, you’re really the one who has to suffer through it, aren’t you?
<60 FAIL: Congratulations! You were right all along. The Ministry’s Girlfriend Removal Services are available and waiting for your call.
<0: Typical. No one is good enough for him, and no one ever will be. Except for you, because you are a perfect best friend.

tiptoemammal

@Aa@twitter We need to talk about parallelism. This refers to a state where all items in a list are in the same form. Your first list, for example, has items that read variously as, "Subtract 5 points each if she Vocal frye" and then "Subtract 5 points each if she Has a DVD copy of Amelie." Your list would be easier to read if all the items were in the form of the second egregious offense, about owning a copy of a darling French film starring Audrey Tautou. That is to say, all of the items on your list should complete the phrase, "Subtract 5 points each if she..." by beginning with a verb, and then going on to list some completely valid behavior such as doing yoga for exercise, owning something shiny, or admitting to the same bodily functions that men admit to. Here is a link to a great resource for writers on the subject of parallelism: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/623/1/ Happy writing!

Aa@twitter

@tiptoemammal

Your response is a Level III offense.

Particularly when I've found so many egregious offenses in your comment history. First, you seem to have a flimsy grasp of what a complete sentence might entail. Also, you still seem to think it's acceptable to use the Oxford comma? How quaint.

Happy Writing!

Heather Miles

@Aa@twitter Does this mean I can't date your best friend? Shucks. That's crushing, heartbreaking, and you're wrong about Oxford commas. I am thoroughly impressed with your display of grammatical knowledge, however, and am currently removing my excess jewelry, glitter, and vocal "frye" in the hopes of improving my score. Also, I got you a cartoon! http://stephentall.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/oxford-comma2.jpg You're welcome.

Aa@twitter

@Heather Miles
Thank you for the cartoon! And take heart, the Oxford comma isn't really gone, it's just invisible now. Still there, but only in our collective imagination.
We may want to discuss some extra credit after class, yes?

rayuela

@Aa@twitter
Subtract __ points if:
appears to exorcise his profound contempt for women by writing very long comments on The Hairpin.

andrew_graham

Took two hits from the Level III Offenses category. I assume this means I fail at being dateable.

sognodisonno

Personal experience insists that I urge the points be changed for the following from -30 to -50, at least.

- Encourages him to follow her to a different city, away from you, The Best Friend.

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