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Monday, April 2, 2012

316

Signs of Possible Snobbery: A Partially Fictionalized Facebook Exchange

(Yesterday) D: K I have always thought the world of you. It bums me out you don't answer my Facebook messages. Did I do something wrong? Do you dislike me or just don't have time to answer. It would be so cool to hear from you but I don't want to be foolish and waste your time by trying to contact you.

(Yesterday) K: Hey D – I don't really know what to say. I don't want to be a jerk, but you send me a lot of messages and I don’t always have time to respond to them. Also, I'm in a relationship and sometimes the things you send me are kind of inappropriate. I don't dislike you, but maybe it would be good to take a breather for a while. I hope you don't take this the wrong way – I really do wish you well, and I hope you are doing okay.

(Yesterday) D: My messages are meant to be harmless but I don't know if you remember trying to make out with me when you knew I had a girlfriend makes you calling my messages 'inappropriate' is well hypocritical. I personally think not answering people's messages is flat out rude and incosiderate a sign of possible snobbery. Your not someone I care to know anymore. Goodbye.

(Today) K: Dear D, Your suggestion that my failure to answer your Facebook messages might be a sign of possible snobbery truly upset me. I realize now that my self-regard has spiraled out of control. I would like to make an effort at atonement by answering just a few of the messages you’ve sent me over the years, messages that I selfishly allowed to go unanswered.

D: Yo kid how ya been?

K: I've been better. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, as you probably know from reading my relationship status, which I changed back to “single” a mere 27 minutes ago. 

D: How goes it?

K: If by 'it,' you mean my general health, my relationship with my family, or my yoga practice, 'it' is going fine. If by 'it', you mean my dissertation or my financial outlook, I have to admit that 'it' has seen better days.

D: Was just thinking of you putting ice in my tip bucket.

K: I fear that elaborating any further will imply that I have some nostalgic feelings towards this incident, which I don't, so I will just agree that yes, that is an event that occurred eleven years ago, one that inexplicably kicked off a four-month-long relationship between us.

D: How ya doin?

K: Fine. I'm not sure why this message is accompanied by a friend request from you, since as far as I know, we were already Facebook friends. Did you unfriend me at some point and then friend me back again? I don't want to know anything about the drama that is going on in your head, so I will accept this request without comment.

D: Hey so the question I really want to ask you is what are you listening to these days?
K: Are you sure that you don't really want to ask me about my relationship status, as I deleted that category from my profile today? Anyway, I've been listening to Sufjan Stevens a lot lately, thank you for asking.

D: Hey kid how goes it?

K: As I believe I may have mentioned before, it is going fine.

D: Yo whay up KP Hope this week is going better what

K: This message makes no sense and those are not my initials, but thank you for what appear to be the good wishes.

D: Come down to the city to help me buy suits.

K: We haven't seen each other in over five years. Why would I travel to a different state to help you run errands?

D: Lol should I just not bother IMing you as I never get a response?

K: Lol, probably.

D: Hey kid

K: Hey! Please stop calling me “kid.” Although I was arguably still a child when we first met, more than a decade later I fear that the epithet is no longer applicable, and you’re kind of creeping me out.

D: Hey, homie

K: Haha, just kidding! “Kid” will do just fine.

D: Hey

K: Hey.

D: Hey

K: Hey…

D: Hey

K: Hey!

D: You never answer anything, in bloody Europe and I can't get an answer from you. ;)

K: You know, you might be surprised at how difficult it is to motivate oneself to respond to messages that are sent to you on Facebook between the hours of midnight and 3 am and consist entirely of variations on the term “Hey”!

D: You showed up in my dreams last night

K: Oh really? Please don't tell me any more about this as I am not interested.

D: I'm feeling a little tipsy. Wanna make out?

K: I absolutely, positively, 100% do not.

D: This is just a random attempt to contact you.

K: This is part of my years-long attempt to avoid telling you straight-out to leave me alone. Is it working?

D: Hey would you be willing to read some of my writing and give me your opinion?

K: I feel like I already read quite a bit of your writing, so, no.

D: Hey kid

K: Hello, D.  How are you? I'm doing well. The city is beautiful in the springtime, and graduate school continues on apace. Sometimes I wonder if enrolling in this program was the right choice, as my twenties seem to have somehow melted away beneath me, leaving me little that is tangible to show for them. Still, I cannot complain — over the past few years I've begun to build what amounts to a life: I have a lovely apartment, a close-knit group of friends, and a relationship that — while still in its early stages — gives me hope for the future. The truth is that hearing from you is always a mixed blessing. On the one hand, as my sophomore year of college fades into the distant past, my memories of both you and the teenager that I once was grow blurrier, and the speed with which the years pass strikes a chill into my heart. And yet, I confess that sometimes your messages serve as a necessary reminder of how much I've grown since we first encountered one another, and to appreciate the extent to which my standards and self-respect have flourished since those early college days. I hope these reminiscences on our shared history are not unwelcome — It was lovely to hear from you, D, and I do hope you'll keep in touch. Sincerely yours, K.

D: Have a lovely evening beautiful

K: Thank you. I shall.

Kristen Roupenian preferred MySpace.



316 Comments / Post A Comment

parallel-lines

So, basically...you'd, like, still sleep with me, right? You know, if I wanted that kind of thing. Which I might, but...who really knows, kinda too much commitment. Just checking.

Kristen

@parallel-lines Yeah, I'm pretty sure I could have ended this exchange years ago if I'd just responded to every message with "No, I have no interest in sleeping with you."

Actually, I'm kind of wishing right now that I had rewritten this entire exchange with variations of that sentence as my reply.

parallel-lines

@Kristen Sadly, that only seems to encourage them to try harder.

Emby

@Kristen But what if I remind you of that time I stuck it there? No? What about there but in that one place? So hot. Mmmm. So hot.

NorthSouth

@parallel-lines It is so true! Even writing: "Stop sending me dirty gifs: my boyfriend thinks they're funny!" doesn't work.

photoalice

Hey.

Katie Heaney

@photoalice wats up

Bebe

@photoalice How's it going kid?

nyikint

@Bebe Yo whay up?

(↓ yes, that was the best part!)

whizz_dumb

@nyikin Yo whay up (aww you^ beat me to it) yo whay up is the best.

Emby

@Bebe Greetings and salutations, champ.

wharrgarbl

@nyikin Heeeeey.

Ophelia

@wharrgarbl Hey, I was thinkin' aout u.

Beericle

@photoalice Hey.

wharrgarbl

@Ophelia Hope this week is going better what

Ophelia

@wharrgarbl hey just wanted to say hey

jurassic snark

Call me a snob! If there's anything I can't stand it's pointless text messages/facebook messages/emails/phone calls, basically any attempt at communication that is just for no reason at all from people I had connections with years ago.

themmases

@jurassic snark And if it's so important to the writer that you respond, they should at least have a question or an update on their life or a movie recommendation. Some days, I think I could settle for a complete sentence.

jurassic snark

@themmases Yeah, or else, what is there to reply to? I have this problem on OkCupid a lot. Someone will write a message that leaves no real room for reply, and then I'm just like "...."

bangs
bangs

@jurassic snark Same. My mom sends me pointless texts all the time. I feel bad, but I have to take a stand and just not respond.

atipofthehat

@jurassic snark

lol rite?

WaityKatie

@bangs When my mom first discovered IM, she used to send me messages all the time, but they were all in formal letter format, i.e. "Dear WK, Dad and I went to look at cars yesterday. We saw one we liked, but we're not sure if we're going to get it yet. How are things with you? Love, Mom." Every IM was like this. I never knew quite how to respond. Eventually she gave up and went back to regular emails.

byrneunit

@WaityKatie My mother still does this with Gchat and - on very special occasions - texts. One word responses to her lengthy chat missives have yet to cause any change in her behavior.

bangs
bangs

@WaityKatie That sounds kind of adorable! My mom texts like a 13 year old girl with lols abound. I shudder to think what would happen if she knew we could facetime. Luckily neither of us know how to facetime.

every tomorrow@twitter

@byrneunit I just helped my aunt buy her first smartphone and taught her how to text a few weeks ago and she texts in formal letter format also. Including in response to my texting her 'Are you enjoying Angry Birds?'

turdsandwich

@jurassic snark uh, a dude here. this is inexcusable. i only ever did this on facebook once. with a girl who once asked if we could get married if we reached 35 and neither of us were married. and we're still buddies. and it involved sending her a mix i thought she'd like. basically, it was a message I'd send to, oh, any friend. wait. what?

thebestjasmine

@WaityKatie When my mom discovered gchat, she kept commenting on my gchat status messages until I finally had to block her so she wouldn't see them (and otherwise, my mom and I get along great).

Her text messages also constantly make her seem like she's drunk. My sister and I trade them and laugh and laugh.

Kate Kane

@WaityKatie The first time my mother texted me I had to text back asking what the hell she'd just typed. It was her own version of chatspeak with random missing letters. She told me she thought that was just how it was done. (Now she has a phone with a screen keyboard that she can't get the hang of, so no more texts from mom.)

Craftastrophies

@bangs I have a friend who will just sent me picture texts. Of... random things that she likes. A lamp in a store. A flower. Whatever.

What am I meant to do with that??

Harriet Welch M@facebook

@jurassic snark MY DAD! Your mom is my dad.Only he is really persistent and learning the touchscreen.
One of the first texts that I got was
"Hey ldom, hyad OK. ur mom n i r comin home soon. wybt?"
He seriously thinks that he can just abbreviate everything and I will understand because I am under 30.
PS that translates to
"Hey lovely daughter of mine, hope you are doing ok. Your mom and I are coming home soon. Will you be there?

He says I'm not "hip to the jive". I make it a point to reply to him with perfect spelling, grammar and punctuation. I've gotten used to his crazy though. Now it's a game my friends/brothers/husband and I play. "Decode dad's crazy tween speak"
He also loves to type out "Why the face" when he means WTF. He's a funny guy...you know. When I can actually understand what he's saying.

nyikint

Any possible sympathy towards D. faded the minute he (she?) wrote "your" instead of "you're".

Kristen

@nyikin In the original message, he misspelled 'snobbery.'

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@nyikin lol i think ur the snobbiest 1 evr

nyikint

@Kristen Frankly, I find his spelling errors flat out rude and incosiderate.

iceberg

AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH this is so wonderful I can't even stand it. At first I was annoyed by "partially fictionalized", because I didn't know if I'd be able to tell which parts were real, but but it was so glaringly perfectly obvious... I love it so!

iceberg

@iceberg Also, this text exchange happened to me:
[missed call from a number I didn't recognize]
[text from same number] "Dam that how u do me"
[me] "I think you have the wrong number"*
[him] "It me, [dude's name] in miami"

Ah, the back story to that dude's texts is probably more interesting than anyone who ever legitimately meant to text me.

elizabeast

@iceberg If I were you, I would have played along for as long as possible. I want to hear this story!!

wobbletown

@iceberg I'm baffled by persistent wrong-number phone calls, especially when they leave messages. For about a year I would get occasional calls from someone's drunk uncle in Grand Rapids, MI. He would always leave a message, which meant that he would always get my voicemail saying clearly, "hello, this is Firstname Lastname, please leave a message." Not exactly ambiguous.

Ophelia

@wobbletown Ugh. I have one of these right now, but it's always an accidental butt-dial that leaves a heinously long message of nothing on my work blackberry. I'd called and texted nicely a few times to say, "hey, your phone keeps calling mine, can you delete this number," and no dice. So a few days ago I left a profanity-laden rant on this dude's voicemail. Haven't heard back since :).

Judith Slutler

@Ophelia For a while I was getting emails from a Canadian insurance representative about someone else's car insurance. She sent me multiple emails over the course of two weeks, even though I responded to each one saying "this is not the right address". I mean, it said "the contents of this email are confidential" right on each one, and yet I kept getting this Canadian person's insurance info. It was pretty damn unprofessional.

HeyThatsMyBike

@wobbletown I had this! But from a woman named Colleen's mother, lover (who was possibly married to her friend?), and various creditors. I've had conversations with each expressing them I am not, in fact, Colleen, and each conversation was pretty equally awkward.

sophia_h

@iceberg I used to have a wrong number texting buddy -- for some reason she never changed the number in her address book for her friend so whenever I would get a text for "Natasha" I'd be like "hey, Jessica, still not Natasha here, how's it going?" We had a few nice conversations, but come on! Who's that dumb? This went on for years, literally.

every tomorrow@twitter

@wobbletown I've gotten five calls in the last week from the same wrong number, and they go "Sorry, wrong number!" and hang up every time, so they KNOW it's the wrong number but they KEEP CALLING.

wee_ramekin

@sophia_h Is it wrong that every time I see you post I want to type-scream in all caps THAT I LOVE YOUR G-D STORIES AND G-D IT I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE MORE ALL THE TIME FOREVER?!?!

Because uh....if it's wrong? I don't wanna be right.

(The hand-grasp over the crossword puzzle! *my heart melts*)

sophia_h

@wee_ramekin Is it wrong that I don't want to tell you that's wrong? *grin* Seriously, you are too sweet. And I will write more soon, I promise! I just have to get my next idea so I'm not writing just for the sake of it, which turns out terrible stories in my experience. Also I have to write Sherlock POV next and that's always intimidating. A genius I am not.

candybeans

@every tomorrow@twitter every person I know in LA with a 323 number has gotten at least five voice mails, calls, or texts from spanish-speaking wrong numbers. I had a 323 number, and got these with relative frequency--any time an unknown caller from a 323 number called, in fact, it was in spanish. never any in english, mind you. this is one of my many LA mysteries. (Another: Why are you all so angry? and, Do you *really* think that botox makes you look younger?)

Better to Eat You With

@every tomorrow@twitter I get call after call for someone named Linda. (My name is Victoria.) Calls from doctors' offices, family members, various friends, and one elderly lady who screams "LINDA!" when I answer the phone--sometimes she calls back two or three times in a row after I tell her it's the wrong number. I've had the same number for 8 or 9 years, and this just started last year.

Last Thursday, I kid you not, the same doctor's office called 17 times and never left a message. Linda must be in some urgent condition, but I wouldn't know, because I am not Linda.

thebestjasmine

@sophia_h I texted a wrong number once, and then I got a series of dirty texts in reply (thank goodness, no pictures). It scarred me.

Kate Kane

@wobbletown I got a breakup text from a stranger last month that was Quite Dramatic - there was a "goodbye forever" and everything! I had no idea how to tell them they hadn't actually gotten the last word with whoever. Unfortunate for them, but I'll take that over getting any more mystery dick pics.

Jen Alien-Spouse@twitter

@iceberg

I used to get a lot of wrong numbers from a diverse group of total stoners, probably my number was one digit off their dealers, and I would always try to sound particularly British when I answered them, just so the callers would get a bit paranoid that they had dialed internationally and would therefore be paying a huge phone bill.

That got old though, so I changed my number.

wee_ramekin

@sophia_h Oh girl, please don't feel pressure! I completely understand you needing time to come up with a concept and not just churning stuff out. I only requested more because I had seen in the comments on the article that you were thinking of ending 'A Matter of Degrees' with that final installment, and I sense that there's more to...come. Heh. Such as, perhaps, acting on what Sherlock said at the...climactic moment (heh)...of the previous story?

Hee! I just want to kudos you again, because I do think that these are really brilliant.

Also, I want to let you know that I tried reading some other stuff from the Sherlock/Watson fandom because I liked yours so much and figured that this might become A New Thing for me. But nope, the other stuff I checked out was not HALF as good as yours. Not even half of the character development or scene-building that you generate. So. There's that.

sophia_h

@wee_ramekin Aw, thanks, and no worries, I didn't feel pressured, I just wanted to keep expectations low since I'm not sure what my timeline is. :) And yeahhh, I did kind of leave a breadcrumb trail with that one line, didn't I?

There is some good stuff out there, though there's also some really cracky stuff, and a lot of things with characterizations that I don't agree with. I will say that I spent ALL of yesterday reading Performance in a Leading Role, which is an alternate universe story in which the guys are actors who meet doing an Ang Lee film in which they play a couple. It sounds terrible, I know, and I NEVER read AU stuff myself, but it's actually incredibly well-written and a very popular story for a good reason. So if you have like, eight hours to lose to a 165,000 word story I would recommend it.

Emby

Oh dear. Put that candle out, D. It's not giving out any more light.

paddlepickle

AHHHH. I'm dying. Dead. I died. It was a good way to go.

I've got a guy who has been texting me "What's up" approx. every two months since I ended our very brief and very casual (I thought! jesus) relationship a year ago. He switched to "What's up" after "Horny?" failed to elicit a response, but that's not working either. Can't wait to see what he tries next.

iceberg

@paddlepickle Groooooss. Horny is the worst word ever (for such a nice feeling too)

pettycoat

@iceberg

So glad I'm not the only one with an aversion to this!

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@paddlepickle I bet he's on reddit, complaining about being "friendzoned".

Sydney C

@paddlepickle

I once received a text from a former sexting buddy (after 2 years of radio silence) that said, "I'm so hard right now." I texted back, "Good for you." He responded, "I think I have a problem"

paddlepickle

@Sydney C HAHAHAHA. I hope you responded "I agree".

PistolPackinMama

@paddlepickle Hi sorry I haven't been in touch work has been busy...

Sure, yeah. Whatever.

redheaded&crazy

oh god am I D i think I might be

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheaded&crazie hey

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheaded&crazie hows it goin

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheaded&crazie thinkin about gettin lunch now

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict probs sum broiled tilapia... sound good?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict theres a lunch special @ that place down the street... you remember that place ;)

Jenabeba

@redheaded&crazie There may have been a tiny, weeny moment of painful recognition from my side also. In most areas of my life I am very sane, fabulous, normal individual .... most ....

redheaded&crazy

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict I'm feeling a little tipsy. Wanna make out?!

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheaded&crazie oh hellz yeah

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheaded&crazie take the rest of the day off btw ;;;)

purefog

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict I saw a restaurant menu last week with fish tacos made with "sushi-grade tilapia." HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@purefog Sounds like an adventure!

spanglepants

I would block this person on Facebook and not feel even a tiny bit guilty.

theharpoon

What positive answer do these "Hey" message people possibly think that they can expect? It baffles me.

Decca

@theharpoon

Been trying - to meet you

bitzyboozer

@Decca Must be a devil between us.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Are you saying every "Hey" message I've received has been a thoughtful lyrical reference and I've just been blowing them off as banal? Uck I feel like such a jerk...

laurel

Maybe all along those 'Hey' texts were an effort to get a Pixies lyrics exchange going. I think I'm going to interpret them that way from now on.

LabRat

@josiah My dear friend and I cannot start any conversation with "Hey" as it immediately devolves into a back-and-forth recitation, including air guitar.

itmakesmewonder

Ask a Presumptuous, Semi-Literate Ex

whateverlolawants

@itmakesmewonder Have I got some candidates for that!

KJH
KJH

"You were in my dream last night" is never, ever cool. And weird from people in relationships. And confusing if you like them, even if they then turn round and say 'yes and you were some hybrid of footstool/sturgeon, and stole my skateboard' or something bizarre and utterly not sexy.

angelinha

@KJH I met up with an ex for friendship coffee (never do that) a couple months after we broke up (really, never do that) and one of the first things he said was that he'd had a dream about me the night before. In which I went camping. With him and my new (non-existent) boyfriend. And A BEAR ATE MY NEW BOYFRIEND. He told me this over friendship coffee. That was the last coffee outing.

nonvolleyball

@angelinha this dovetails with a broader issue I have, wherein peripheral friends tell you about their dreams all, "weird, huh? so random" when said dreams have REALLY OBVIOUS SYMBOLISM & you then feel awkward about this unwanted window into their psyche.

Elvis Costello's Spectacles

@KJH I had a dream that a friend of mine kept sending me photos of eyebrows (not his) with no accompanying commentary. I told him this, because I thought it was funny. Now I'm worrying that I may be a creepy person & that there is some awkward, obvious symbolism to eyebrow pictures that I had missed. :(

KJH
KJH

@nonvolleyball Yeah a friend just said 'I dreamt I was living with my lady but married some dude for some technical legal reason, and he lived next door, and she was mad, and these other dudes wanted to kill me for marrying him. Isn't that WEIRD?!!?!!1!'.
Ummm... not really. You're newly bi and also muslim...

nonvolleyball

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles yeah, I think you're good. I'm talking about stories like KJH's, where you're like, "...seriously? I didn't need to know that. but now I apparently do."

Ophelia

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles No, that is the sort of dream I wish people would share more often!

staircases

@KJH My mechanic, who is twice my age, has told me this on several occaisions. I never know what to say. "...sorry...?"

frigwiggin

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles I personally kind of love being in other people's random dreams. Of course, I don't think anybody's ever told me about a really symbolic/sexual dream before--it's more things like, "I had a dream where you turned into a Slurpee and then started melting on the sidewalk, so I panicked and called 911!"

Nutmeg

@KJH A few of my friends have had sex dreams about me, and is it weird that my response is always, "HAHA, that's awesome!"? Because I do talk about dicks a lot. The best time was when my friend said he had a dream about me, and went on to describe this long, elaborate dream (he is a crazy dreamer and remembers them, THE BASTARD) without mentioning my name at all. When I asked him where I was in the dream, he said, "Oh yeah, we banged on the couch at the end."

Verity

@nonvolleyball I had a dream once that was so full of painfully obvious symbolism that I was ashamed of my subconscious. (I had a really heavy bag of books on my back and couldn't walk fast, and was scared of letting my university tutor down. Then I fell over, and couldn't get up because of the weight of the books however hard I tried, and my boyfriend was asking why I wasn't getting up and I was upset that he didn't UNDERSTAND. At the time I was struggling with depression and it was affecting my university work. Seriously, self?)

(I should note that, unlike his dream-self, my boyfriend was nothing but supportive.)

Tulletilsynet

@KJH
Actually? When my wife says I was in her dream, I'm not usually offended. I hope it's mutual.

whateverlolawants

@Nutmeg This reminds me of Mila Kunis's reaction to Natalie Portman telling her about her dream (or was it a dream?!) in Black Swan.

whizz_dumb

Does this mean you won't fly to California to help me bring the groceries in from my car? I have 5 bags and I don't like to make separate trips.

whizz_dumb

Oh and I could really use a hand trimming my neck-hair line ;)

olivebee

Oh man. People like this who lack SO MUCH social wherewithal provide me so much amusement on Facebook. But that's when I am viewing from afar and not involved. I imagine it's not very amusing at all to interact with it.

tony123

visitor writing for me if possible feel free to let me know, im always look for people to check out my web site.
G-spot

elizabeast

Men, get rid of your ideas about what you think we have. Seriously, they are revolting.

wharrgarbl

"Snob" does not mean what this person appears to think it means.

Judith Slutler

@wharrgarbl "snob" = anyone who won't have sex with me!

wharrgarbl

@Emmanuelle Cunt Not, as it turns out, an actual definition! Someone should probably let D know. He's looking awfully déclassé out here amongst his betters with his peasant usage.

laurel

@Emmanuelle Cunt C'mon! He's such a Nice Guy!

nevernude cutoffs

I was facebook messaged by an ex who "could smell me" (take that any way you would like)

ilikemints

@nevernude cutoffs Eww.

Changeling

@nevernude cutoffs
:( :(

nevernude cutoffs

@ilikemints I guess it was my 2001 perfume smell floating around ten years later, but it I still had the same reaction as you.

HeyThatsMyBike

@nevernude cutoffs I wish there was an "opposite of like" option for upvoting. It wouldn't be a downvote by any means, because this is a great comment, but I actually writhed with discomfort and dislike while reading it, so "like" isn't QUITE right...

Also, ew.

laurel

@HeyThatsMyBike I want a button that's just o.O

wharrgarbl

@HeyThatsMyBike Maybe we could have a little button that, instead of a thumbs-up, is a D:? Because an ex messaging you with "I can smell you right now" would get all the D:s ever.

HeyThatsMyBike

@wharrgarbl Yes, that is the button I need. Terror face.

theharpoon

@HeyThatsMyBike and the next message would be "ch ch ch ah ah ah"

leastimportantperson

Who wants to join me in burning Facebook to the ground.

LeafySeaDragon

@leastimportantperson i have had enough of facebook. i have like a bunch of fb friends and not one single person messaged me happy birthday this weekend when i damn well KNOW that they had a pop up for a week letting them know it was coming. *grumps*

ps it turns out i have been pmsing hard this birthday weekend. so apologies to the internet for 'my birthday this' and 'my birthday that'

Beericle

@LeafySeaDragon Happy Birthday. Hey.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@leastimportantperson
I felt the same way, until my lady pointed out that it's a great babyphoto transmission mechanism. So, a controlled burn?

Bitterblue

@leastimportantperson BURN IT TO THE GROUND AND SALT THE ASHES. LET ANY WHO WOULD TRY SUCH AN ATTEMPT AGAIN LOOK ON THE RUINS AND FEAR THE DESCENT OF OUR WRATH.

fabel

@LeafySeaDragon THAT'S HORRIBLE seriously, happy birthday

whatsherface

@LeafySeaDragon Happy birthday!! From, internet friends that are way cooler than your other internet friends. :)

Pela

@LeafySeaDragon Happy birthday! I actually hate all the birthday-on-facebook shenanigans, because it's all the people I don't like trying to get back in touch. Bleah.

angelinha

I got two Facebook chats last week, a couple of hours apart, from the older son (a man at least 10 years my senior) of my old church youth group leader. The first one said "hey sexy" and the second said "hey sweetie how you doing." He's never said anything inappropriate to me before but in the spirit of being direct and nipping inappropriate behavior that makes me uncomfortable in the bud, I sent back a message saying that I don't appreciate being called "sexy" or "sweetie" and thanking him in advance for understanding. The next day it seemed a little over the top, but this partially fictionalized exchange makes me feel affirmed in my decision!

parallel-lines

@angelinha Sometimes I think women are taught we're supposed to be nice and polite and not cause tension even when people come at us acting really really obviously gross. No way, fuck nice. So I've made it my business NOT to be nice to these people--like slobbery dude who tried to touch me on Saturday night in the taxi line. NO. Get away from me. And the ex who emailed because he's sexually unhappy in his relationship--yeah, that's not appropriate and I don't care. I'm sure I come across as extraordinarily bitchy sometimes but I think some people need to be reminded of appropriate boundaries and reminded quite harshly if needed.

Bitterblue

@parallel-lines I tell my coworkers I have a PhD in Bitch. So yeah that's DR Bitch to you, thanks. It's very freeing giving yourself permission not to be nice.

camanda

@parallel-lines @angelinha I had a very sweet, very naive, fresh-to-adulthood (she had just turned 18) coworker at Christmastime who had a problem with a much older male coworker, and I told her in no uncertain terms, "Be a bitch." This guy is creeping you out. Why the hell do you want to be nice to him? I get that you have to work with this guy and don't want to step on toes*, but if he's being inappropriate and it's making you uncomfortable, don't let him carry on. I hope she eventually took it to heart; she's the type that's going to get that kind of attention for a long time to come and she needs to know how to handle it. I had to fight with her to get her to agree to tell my manager what was going on, so there was no way she was taking the direct approach at the time.

* Okay, maybe I don't, since I don't like this same coworker and I am frosty to him at best whenever I have to work with him. It took him like six months to mention to another coworker that "I don't think she likes me very much." A regular Werner Heisenberg, that one.

nogreeneggs

@parallel-lines This! I feel like a lot of girls don’t know that they are allowed to set boundaries because guys are always pressuring them not to by calling them bitches or crazy. But honestly, who care if some jerk thinks you're a bitch?

At my old job (which was also my first “real” job) there was this Creepy Guy who would email and instant message me constantly. He then got my cell phone number off of our phone tree and started texting me outside work constantly asking me out or asking inappropriate questions about my personal life. I had never even talked to this person IRL, I would just see him around the office and get bombarded with messages from him. It is so stressful to constantly have to deflect inappropriate attention or make up plans that you have to avoid giving any real information or appearing available. This harassment went on for MONTHS because I only told him in nice, non-offensive ways that I wasn’t interested. Also, a few other coworkers (also guys) were pressuring me to be nice and not be so rude or stuck up. It’s not being stuck up to not want to be messaged every second of every day! That’s a normal thing not to want. I eventually started going to therapy for anxiety where my therapist told me that I had to be CRYSTAL CLEAR with this guy and tell him he was being inappropriate.

So I told CG in an email that he was being inappropriate and that I was not interested and he needed to stop talking to me at or outside of work. About a week later he sent me back an email saying I was being ridiculous and that I was a bitch but he did stop talking to me and my life got a lot better.

Don’t let anyone pressure you into remaining in a situation that you are uncomfortable in just so you can be polite. End PSA.

highfivesforall

@parallel-lines Yes boundaries! I had to have words with a dude who was trying to hit on a girlfriend I was out with last week, and kept putting his hand under her chin?? I told him, it is not okay to touch the faces of people that you don't know, because it makes them very uncomfortable, even if you didn't mean for it to. He looked shocked, but apologized, and I was so proud of myself, and she was very relieved! I didn't even have to be that mean, but I did have to step out of my comfort zone, assisted by a few(several?) martinis. So, hooray for being a jerk when the situation calls for it!

LilyMarlene

@parallel-lines Seriously. There is an inverse relationship between my age and my levels of not giving a fuuuuuck about being nice, sweet, compliant, What Others Think, etc.

I shudder when I think back to the nonsense I put up with in my youth just to keep people from being angry with me or thinking I wasn't a perfectly nice girl, and it makes me sad that there are girls who are doing the exact same thing at this very moment. I want to form a Fire-Breathing Bitch Task Force to look out for all the girls everywhere.

I find comfort in knowing I am making up for lost time now. RAWR.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@all: I seethe when I see a guy get his slime all over a girl whether it be constant messaging or deciding a girl is public property to touch, my hackles go way up. Definitely shut that stuff down - in fact, I find that decisiveness to be a pretty attractive quality? Like, it has 0 to do with being 'a bitch', and everything to do with self respect.

Jen Alien-Spouse@twitter

@parallel-lines

Several years ago I had a co-worker who seriously creeped me out, and I was too young to say "Look. You wiping your face down my bare arm and e-mailing inappropriate photos is making me uncomfortable and GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Looking back, I could probably have got him fired.

JessicaLovejoy

D: Was just thinking of you putting ice in my tip bucket.

This sounds like a gyno with a particularly cold speculum.

redheaded&crazy

@JessicaLovejoy wouldn't the line be "was thinking of putting my tip in your ice bucket"?

although that doesn't sound very flattering

Decca

What about the one dude on your Facebook that, without fail, will comment on every single one of your status updates, photo uploads, or event acceptances? The one dude who knows that nothing will ever happen between you two because you've told him explicitly, and whom you don't even really want to be friends with because he's not that interesting or funny, but whom you feel guilty about deleting altogether? And who is is the most banal commenter of all time! "Looks cool". "What is this?" "Ha ha".

bitzyboozer

@Decca Urgh! For me this dude was an ex who I broke up with on particularly bad terms and then YEARS later had a crisis of conscience over whether to accept his friend request. I did, he pulled this crap, I unfriended him.

nevernude cutoffs

@Decca Ughhh, I had that guy, and then had to delete him, because he friended another guy I once dated that lived in a different state. They had never met, and the creepy dude friended him, based entirely on seeing our comments to each other on my page. I felt like a definite line was crossed, because the creepy dude was someone I talked to twice in high school, and never after.

Get rid of your facebook, seriously, it is revolting?

halfheartedyoga

@Decca BLOCK. Why feel guilty?

MilesofMountains

@Decca I finally got rid of one of those! But then another one popped up to take his place. And the worst is that it's never outright hitting on you, so you can't call them on it because then you're the bitch who freaks out at someone for saying "looks good!" about your new haircut.

kickupdust

@halfheartedyoga block and then buy yourself something nice in celebration!

atipofthehat

@Decca

kewl comment lol

Elvis Costello's Spectacles

@Decca I had someone on my Facebook who, instead of commenting on photos like a normal person, would write stuff like "you look great in your profile photo!" ON MY WALL so *I'd* end up looking like an asshole if I didn't write a grateful reply. I use the internet to try and AVOID awkward social interaction, not to create it. *crawls back into cave*

slutberry

@Decca OH MAN I have had TWO of those and they are SO URGH. One of them is a guy that I do have a decent relationship with friend-wise, but then we had an awkward drunken evening where I was much drunker than him and had to explain later that it had, in fact, allll just been the booze and I had no interest in starting a relationship. Best comment on a photo from him: "You'll kill me with those eyes". Yesss... yess I shall. I have the Magical Eyes of Witchery, and they shall kill you with the power of the Internet Gaze...

The other one was the Creepy Highschool Guy Who Wasn't Even My Friend. After several messages suggesting that I break up with my boyfriend and come bone him, I sent a message saying, "Look, you have to stop hitting on me", and he responded with "sorry" and I haven't heard from him since. I was pretty direct with him because he was the guy who got in trouble in highschool for taking cell phone pictures of girls in the hallway without asking their persimmon first.

baklava!

@MilesofMountains This! Mine (work friend from 10+ years ago) actually went so far as to give me crap about commenting on a common friend's status and not his... under my comment he writes "hey what is up [baklava!] I guess I'm not as funny as [common friend] lol jk but I do miss you". I feel awkward because he's in the middle of what seems like a tough divorce but... ugh.

camanda

@Decca My best friend had one of those! I think he's stopped now, but it even creeped me out to see him immediately comment on almost everything she posted.

sophia_h

@Decca I have two of those guys too, and what is worse, I have been seriously dating (Creeper 1) or married (Creeper 2) to the SAME PERSON the entire time I've known these guys, so it's not like they think they're going to get any action. They just have zero social sense, and I think me being married seems "safe," like it's cool and they can just say whatever they want because obviously they don't mean anything, right? Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha.

log lady

@MilesofMountains I call that sort of thing "testing the waters". I had a guy I'd met 2-3 times who can plainly SEE on my profile that I've been in a relationship for two years, respond to a post I made about warm-weather music recommendations with an innocuous-seeming youtube link to a decent song, which was then followed by another youtube link with his addendum "harder? or deeper? harder." I commented on that with "I BEG YOUR PARDON" and he immediately apologized and deleted it. Just testing the waters.

HeyThatsMyBike

@Decca For me this person is a WOMAN who HAD A CRUSH ON MY DAD IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She happened to move to the town next door even though they both grew up a state over, and then her daughter skated with me. I have her on all kinds of limited profile viewing because she was commenting on EVERYTHING and constantly telling me to say hi to my Dad for her. Every once in a while, I'll post a Mobile Upload or something in a category in which I must've not blocked her, and BAM! Instacomment!
Also she sent me a fb message about helping her rescue a Great Pyrenees 3 hours away from where I live and 15 hours from where she lives. It was...out of the blue.

stuffisthings

@teffodee OK I realize it's totally a typo but "ask their persimmon first" made me snort.

slutberry

@stuffisthings It was a typo, but I also noticed it and then left it in because, well, you can never have too much persimmon!

kickupdust

@knuckle sandwich the "I BEG YOUR PARDON" part is my faaaavourite.

stuffisthings

@teffodee I'm not sure I know what a persimmon is. Is it like a tomato? Hang on, I'll just go ask my ex girlfriend on Facebook.

slutberry

@stuffisthings I asked your ex girlfriend, and she said it is a sweet fruit. It looks kind of like a tomato but tastes more like a mango/banana hybrid. It is delicious unless it is not ripe or too ripe.

frigwiggin

@teffodee Persimmons are the best fruit. (Fuyu, anyway. Hachiya are too much bother. But fuyu! I like the weird gelatinous bits.)

stuffisthings

@teffodee But is it pronounced "pers-imon" or "per-simmon"? I bet that girl I once awkwardly propositioned would know!

EDIT: (Obviously I understood "ask their persimmon first" as "ask them about persimmons first" -- then, anything goes!)

Nutria

@kickupdust I really need to start using "I BEG YOUR PARDON" more often.

niq
niq

@Decca my mother (married to my father for more than 30 years) had one of those for a while. Gross and awkward. I don't know if she eventually blocked him or he gave up. That guy never stood a chance, but his creepy facebook messages didn't help his cause.

Diana

You just sent me spiraling Vertigo-style into memories of high school and this one guy who would IM me every hour on the hour to say "wats up". Please note that it was always "wats" although sometimes he switched "up" to a "^" sign. Sometimes he got crazy with it and asked "wats ^ witchu". This continued for TWO YEARS. I'm bad at confrontation.

WaityKatie

@Diana I want to have sympathy for your plight, but I'm too abashed by the fact that IM existed when you were in high school.

dormilona

@Diana Your experience reminded me of a guy in high school who'd IM me (on AIM! oh AIM...), and say "hey" and I'd ignore him, then he'd add that he loved me. And then get upset when I didn't respond. As an awkward teen that freaked me out immensely.

ghechr

You are very patient. This kind of annoying behavior would have resulted in immediate unfriending.

Kate M.D.

Emerging from LurkerVille to say OH MY GOD THANK YOU for letting me know that this is a thing that happens to other people, and it's not just me, and I'm not just being a rude passive-aggressive jerk for ignoring these morons.

However, I have a question for y'all, because my inappropriate, incessant, unwanted, and ignored Facebook messager recently sent me an enormous missive about how his mother has cancer and only has a month to live, and we used to be friends, and he could really use a friend right now. I called him with the intent to explain to him that I'm sorry he needs a friend but I am really not that person, but chickened out after hearing a twenty minute description of his mother's prognosis.

I had to leave to go on a date (WITH MY BOYFRIEND, I emphatically explained to him), but I (cringe) told him I'd "talk to him later." Haven't talked to him since. Not sure if I'm an insensitive jerk if I just... don't.

On a related note, does anyone have any tips & tricks for avoiding being dragged into uncomfortable situations due to a dysfunctional need to help every pitiful person with their pitiful crap? Asking for a friend with martyr syndrome.

atipofthehat

@Kate M.D.

Tell him his mom could really use a son right now and this isn't the time.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@Kate M.D. A simple, unqualified "No" is usually a good bet. You don't have to explain or apologize. If you continue to engage, they'll continue to harass you. And you are not obligated to talk to this juicebox any more. Even if his mother has cancer.

spoondisaster

@Kate M.D. I figure something like "I'm sorry, I know this is a horrible situation for you, but I can't be what you need." Is even that too nice? I don't know.

Kate M.D.

@spoondisaster That was so what I wanted to do! I swear! I did everything but write out the phone script before I called. But the almost-crying about the near recovery and the latest scans caused me to chicken out SO HARD, which is why I probably should have avoided the phone in the first place.

It might be complicated by the fact that we were acquaintances for years after we hooked up, and would occasionally hang out, and I was friendly for way too long because I have only recently learned how to weed out male friends who are not really friends, but pretending to be while complaining about how they are "nice guys" being "friendzoned" on reddit (high five for that one, Fig. 1).

If we're nice, it's mixed signals. If we're not, we're rude, snobby bitches. Thankfully, lurking on the Hairpin has inspired me to stop feeling obligated to be nice to toxic people. Mental health! It's the best.

spoondisaster

@Kate M.D. Man, are you me? Because I am dealing with the same exact thing in my life. The Hairpin has been incredibly inspirational.

Snood Mood

@Kate M.D. You could maybe tell him you aren't qualified to deal with his very intense situation, and recommend he find a group, or a professional councillor who is.

sevanetta

@Kate M.D. oh my god. I have a friend who said that to me... 'could really use a friend'... such a long story but basically, we were good friends in high school, she has fallen off the rails in numerous ways over the years and she DOES THIS. She disappears for years then swoops back in and wants to be closesoclose, but I can only read it as passive aggressive digs at me (I invited her to a yoga class, thinking it would be something in common we could enjoy together, and she got mad at me because she said I didn't tell her how hard it would be!) and that instead of actually wanting to spend time with me, she just wants to complain to me!

I mean, that's what 'could really use a friend' says to me. It says 'I treat people like shit/I feel awful about myself so I don't have/don't think I have any friends, as to me the purpose of a friend is for ME to complain and YOU to listen, please be with me so I can complain to you'. (and in the case of my 'friend', make passive aggressive bitchy statements towards me).

God! Thankyou Hairpin for making me feel less bad about feeling like I 'owe' my friend interactions. I don't owe someone who just wants to drain me emotionally! None of us do!

isavedlatin

The Mistakes always come back, and Facebook is their faaaavorite.

eoporto

No joke, I am friends with one of these guys too. Every few months he'd be all "Remember when we almost made out and I thought you weren't interested?" until I was like, "It's silly to keep talking about this. We should just go out for drinks and make out." All the sudden, he had a girlfriend. I laughed for days.

kickupdust

the other day I was like, "maybe I should have facebook again..."

so thank you, the hairpin, for reminding me that it's just not worth it.

Waiting

This is definitely really funny. I enjoyed it. But I mean, couldn't K just have blocked him on Facebook instead of sort of perpetuating this? I mean I think if she didn't get some kind of enjoyment out of receiving his attempts at contacting her then she would have blocked him. And I mean who wouldn't, they are funny. I just don't know how much we can criticize "D" for being so persistent. With these types you really have to shut the door COMPLETELY for them to stop.

wharrgarbl

@MalPal We can criticize D in direct proportion to how much of a juicebox drama-llama he turns into in response to that door being shut completely.

Guys who push and push and push and push past normal "please stop pestering me, I'm not interested but want to communicate that politely instead of yelling at you" signals until they finally get a "Dude, back the fuck off" and then cry because of mean, horrible, yelly bitches in whom they weren't even interested anyway, god, you can't just be nice to a girl without her getting all internet-hysterical on you? Those dudes can cry me a fucking river.

wharrgarbl

@MalPal I mean, basically, D threw a "you're a bad person" tantrum in response to her--politely! kindly!--telling him that she did not have the time or inclination to nurse his weird eternal-crush-object fantasy by writing back every. goddamn. time. he managed a monosyllabic e-grunt followed by a click on the ol' "send message" button.

Which is exactly what most women who put up with this crap for far longer than they're comfortable with are trying to avoid: the tantrum. The nigh-inevitable emotional lashing-out that follows the whole "put your foot down" thing, because refusing to pay attention on-demand means you're the bad guy here.

I mean, yes, by all means, block that asshole. He's got it coming. Evil, facebook-blocking bitches of the world, unite. But let's not act like the Ds of the world are forces of nature with no control over their constant boundary-pushing and water-testing and therefore no responsibility for any of their own skeazy moves.

E
E

@MalPal Agreed. Why not just defriend him? I don't love the vibe here, which is like, I'll let you annoy me and annoy me and annoy me and then finally I'll burn you hard and make fun of you. I get that he's lame, but maybe I don't understand facebook "friends" because the only ones I have are actual friends.

leastimportantperson

@E Yeah this is actually happening to me right now, and every time I've tried to get him to stop, he has only escalated his behavior. So there's that. This may sound pathetic to you, but I am afraid to unfriend this person on Facebook and am just letting my account just sit there untouched. So! Yeah! I'm not loving to vibe of people being like, wow why can't you just deal with this person who has no respect for your boundaries whatsoever.

Kristen

@MalPal Honestly, it wasn't until he sent me the last nasty message and I finally went back and looked at everything he'd sent me over the years that I realized how out of control it had gotten. Like, for most of it I wasn't even that annoyed that he was sending me a million messages; I actually felt a vague sense of guilt hanging over my head, like, 'Oh, I owe D a message.'

But the fact that, by the end, he felt entitled to a.) demand that I answer messages he had clearly put no effort into, messages that were basically just codes for "do you want to bone me now"... and then b.) lash out at me when I told him straight out that I didn't want to talk to him anymore...that was what made me angry. And I think that subconsciously knowing that telling him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore would provoke some kind of incident is what made me avoid a straight-up confrontation for so long.

DickensianCat

@E I agree. I don't mean to gang up on K here, and it was an entertaining read, but why she didn't not only unfriend but block D as soon as he called her a snob is puzzling to me, unless her mindset was "let's see how far he'll really go since I'm not emotionally invested enough to get that offended or frightened."

Maybe being ruthless in extracting parasites like this from your life becomes easier with age? I have known a couple of people who seem to constantly amass creeps like this (of both sexes) on their FB lists, but who seemingly relish telling me stories about them and "what they said now" so much that their "disgust" with the person starts ringing a little disingenuous.

leastimportantperson

@DickensianCat I can't speak for Kristen, but I have no problem WHATSOEVER unfriending people for any reason. I do it all the time. I mean seriously, constantly. It doesn't bother me. It's very unsettling when someone who you considered a friend or an acquaintance even starts crossing the line like this. And I'm telling you, when I told my version of D to stop, it did not go well, and he absolutely only got worse. He called me a series of horrible names and is now trying more and more often and in weirder ways to get me to respond. I mean, I'm seriously not asking for pity, I'm just saying, it's really easy to understand if you've been there. Really really easy.

DickensianCat

@Kristen My apologies, I think I understand a little bit better now. It seems like at first his messages were just a mild annoyance and it didn't even occur to you that you needed to get your guard up until you took a step back after he got nasty and realized "wow, this guy is a total creep." " I hope you did end up blocking him, though, and that hopefully you'll never hear from him again.

HeyThatsMyBike

@DickensianCat For the record, it appears the last "real" message was the one where he called her a snob, so she may have done just that.

DickensianCat

@leastimportantperson I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like this person has additional contact info and channels for harassment in addition to Facebook, and that is very scary. have you talked to anyone about this or forwarded his emails/messages to the service providers or someone you can trust?

Waiting

@MalPal Everyone here is highlighting important facets of the issue. I think the standard "safe" way to deal with this kind of person is to avoid confrontation and simply withdraw the temptation for them to contact you (blocking them). I think that generally the more someone is willing to cut people out of their lives (as in, not feeling guilty about it), the less problems they have. I just don't want anyone to put their safety at risk by not dealing with a person like this as swiftly and safely as possible.

E
E

@leastimportantperson I want to respond to this by saying that if someone is frightening you, that's a really good time to learn to set your boundaries. I had what was looking to turn into a real life stalker one time- a person I broke up with who didn't take it that well. And everything I read said to do two things. First, document everything, times dates, what was said. Second tell them firmly ONCE that you will not be responding to them and you are documenting what they say, and they are not welcome to contact you. It really worked.

You can't stop someone from being a creep. That's never your fault. But given that the world is full of creeps, and you shouldn't be forced to hide from your life forever, I really think it's important that every single person learns to set boundaries.

Lastly, your situation sounds different from the author's to some extent. The above article is humorous, so it sounds like she didn't feel in real danger, and also he defriended her at one point and she chose to refriend him. That's why I dislike the tone, because it's like, "look how dumb this guy is for doing stupid things to get my attention, but I'm still paying him attention."

Changeling

My D just messaged me at 5 am this morning after years of no contact. I didn't even know we were still friends on facebook!

And now I have one less facebook friend.

Reginal T. Squirge

This can all be solved with one sentence. Feel free to copy/paste: "I don't ever want to speak to you again."

Megasus

S that D. Shut it down.

redheaded&crazy

@Megan Patterson@facebook "Suck that Dick" really Megan? really.

Megasus

@redheaded&crazie Hahaha. That gives me an idea though. If you were like "GOD HOW MUCH IS A PROSTITUTE I WILL BUY YOU A PROSTITUTE IF YOU NEVER MESSAGE ME AGAIN" if that would work.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@redheaded&crazie: REDHEADED that is TERRIBLE and also the FIRST THING I THOUGHT OF

Elvis Costello's Spectacles

But he's such a Nice Guy!™ He always asks how you are, and lets you know he's thinking of you. I bet you always end up going for the assholes. Women, amirite?

paddlepickle

Oh! Also there's a guy I made out with once who messages me from time to time. Last time he asked "Are u married yet lol" and I said "no but I'm seeing someone" (lies) and he replied "Well I'm coming to NY soon, can I see you. . .secretly? lol".

HeyThatsMyBike

"Sometimes I wonder if enrolling in this program was the right choice, as my twenties seem to have somehow melted away beneath me, leaving me little that is tangible to show for them. Still, I cannot complain — over the past few years I've begun to build what amounts to a life: I have a lovely apartment, a close-knit group of friends, and a relationship that — while still in its early stages — gives me hope for the future. "
It's so weird that you are me, Kristen!

Clare

I know a guy like this. I went out on one date with him when he was in Philadelphia for a weekend (he lives in Ohio) and every few months I get an "I don't know what I did for you not to talk to me anymore, but I've had a hard year and I want to keep in touch."

I don't know what dude wants from me, because I'm not about to move to Cleveland.

wharrgarbl

@Clare Attention? Validation? A friendly voice on the other end of the free phone-sex he's hoping to have?

everythingbagel

UGH. this man is a disgusting combination of the loser my friend married and the last guy I was involved with. I alternated between cringing and shaking my head while reading.

leonstj

Is it completely wrong that "lol" bothers me more than people who are just intolerable? I mean, you're not really laughing out loud, are you?

And when you use it as a nervous giggle? WHY WHY WHY are you including your nervous giggle in online communications? You have a delete key and the ability to think before hitting send or return or whatever, you get to be COMPLETELY YOUR BEST ALL OF THE TIME when writing online. You don't actually have to type all of your neurotic bullshit.

I mean, part of me feels like it is deceptive to be all charming and shit when FB messaging, when really you are an inept bundle of nerves who responds to a touch on the arm with the suggestion that we all do so many shots that you decide to sing "Get Low" at the top of your lungs in the middle of Delancey. But I feel like this is one of those acceptable deceptions? Can't we all just pretend online at least to be as smooth as characters in a Hammett story?

wharrgarbl

@leon.saintjean "Is it completely wrong that "lol" bothers me more than people who are just intolerable? I mean, you're not really laughing out loud, are you?"

I actually got my own, soundproof office because of my constant, hearty "HO HO HO"ing in response to office emails.

HeyThatsMyBike

@leon.saintjean Yes! Grown men who use lol are especially troublesome to me for some reason.

WaityKatie

@leon.saintjean I always read it aloud in my head as "loll." I like when people use it as punctuation as well. "I'm doing ok, lol." That doesn't even mean anything. God I hate the internet.

meetapossum

@leon.saintjean "Yeah, my parents got divorced a couple years back. It was really tough, LOL."

WaityKatie

@meetapossum "And by tough I mean HILARIOUS."

dj pomegranate

@WaityKatie Yesssss, I have a dear friend whom I love in person, but the lol-as-punctuation is threatening our e-relationship ... "I made chicken last night, lol! I didn't make enough for leftovers though lol" is just so hard to read while remembering that I actually really do like this person.

whizz_dumb

@leon.saintjean So is it annoying when I use "haha" in text? Because I do it a lot hahaha.

laurel

@leon.saintjean I don't understand why they'd want to seem easily amused.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@whizz_dumb
Patty Berglund does it all the time in Freedom, so I always think of that.

Ojo
Ojo

@WaityKatie I have a cousin who does something similar, but instead of "lol" it's always "<3". She also likes to post really angry statuses on Facebook, so it'll be like:

"OMG u asshole I h8 u so much, u know who u are u ASS! <3 <3 <3"

It's incredibly weird.

WaityKatie

@Ojo That sounds horrifying. I would block her FB updates. Also, whenever I see <3 it takes me a minute to figure out what it is supposed to be. (less than 3? what?). In other news, I am an Old.

wharrgarbl

@Ojo Maybe she's trying for a :< but doesn't understand how emoticons work? That's like the only thing that makes sense to me on that one.

fabel

@whizz_dumb I hate lol, but I used to over-use it in my teen years & still can't seem to transition? so everything is "ha!" or "haha" or "hahahahaha" (which just looks...insincere?)

Judith Slutler

@WaityKatie Gahhhhh a friend of mine dated a guy who played WoW and pronounced it "wow", and said "lol" out loud and pronounced it loll.

Awful.

dj pomegranate

@Emmanuelle Cunt lol i spent all day playing wow, like, all day!1! LOL WOW LOL

WaityKatie

@Emmanuelle Cunt That guy sounds awesome! I have often thought about replacing actual laughter with "loll." I imagine saying it in a kind of deadpan, Noel Cowardish way, also. Loll.

Hellcat

@whizz_dumb I think I like the "hahaha" for the most part, though I mostly use the "ahahahahhahaaa!" version. It just makes sense to me mainly because I and a few of my friends have laugh outbursts fairly frequently, so maybe it just seems authentic to me...

I do not know about people who punctuate with "lol" though. So often the thing they just said is not even meant to be funny so what the hell is that?

Vera Knoop

@WaityKatie Rhymes with "how droll."

iceberg

@whizz_dumb Personally I think "haha" is adorable! I don't know why but it seems more genuine than lol.

meetapossum

@whizz_dumb I used to only use "haha" when I first got on the internet because I thought "lol" was stupid. I still stick usually to a series of "hahas", but I also laugh pretty much at everything in real life anyway, so I feel like it's ok. I like to use "hee!" when I'm just genuinely delighted with something.

PistolPackinMama

Online dating guys who send you a one line email that is basically a chat, even though you refuse to chat? And then you don't reply and they are salty, or you reply by saying "send me a note I don't chat" and they say "I feel we should chat because of X shared interests and I am sure you will agree." And then you're like NO I WON'T BECAUSE I SAID SO ALREADY GODDAMN.

Those guy are really annoying.

wharrgarbl

@PistolPackinMama There's nothing hotter than guys ignoring your stated preferences after literally ten seconds' worth of real-time interaction. Like, mmm-mmm, gimme some more of that disregarding clearly-expressed wishes. Makes me want to meet that person in a private, secluded, unverified location pretty much immediately.

PistolPackinMama

@wharrgarbl Well, exactly. Men who can't take no for an answer on the internet always always listen when you say no in real life.

sevanetta

@PistolPackinMama OH GOD YES. I had a policy of refusing to respond to one liners ('hey' 'how ar u' 'you're eyes a pretty' WHAT). Then, there was the opposite end of the spectrum, like the time I got a guy writing a massive email about himself to me (literally 6 paras and not a single question for me to answer) so I wrote 'I'm sorry, but you didn't ask any questions so I don't know how to respond' and then I got another massively overwhelming email full of essay questions.

The kicker was that he was above my age range (I'm 30, he was 42) and, which is more important, I just.didn't.find.his.photo.attractive. so there was no point. I got a couple more pissy emails about how we had so much in common, and I :wanted: to write 'Sorry, did you not read my actual profile?' but I didn't. I SHOULD HAVE.

Megasus

@sevanetta I would be terrible, and tell them to reread what they just wrote to me and then think about why they're still single.

insouciantlover

You know what I love to do? When I have received long pitiful/angry/neurotic messages from people who I limited contact with in some way, I like to respond with one dismissive, emotionless word. Unsubscribe. Really takes the wind out of their sails.

Vera Knoop

@insouciantlover Yes! I have done this too. And I always feel a little like an asshole, but also SO GOOD.

Lemonnier

SO TIMELY. I just got this a couple days ago, via Facebook:

Hi
I getting divorced. Just thinking about pass crushes, I never saw your twin again, I still think I made out with you. I know this sounds silly and please take this as a romantic comedy. I'm glade you are doinn well. Some one in [redacted] was thinking of you.

I never made out with this guy. HOW ON EARTH DOES ONE RESPOND? Do I even want to know?

wharrgarbl

@Lemonnier One responds with blocks. One block for every romantic comedy ever made.

highfivesforall

@wharrgarbl I am picturing physical blocks, made out of wood, hurled at the messenger, one for each romantic comedy ever made, so, hundreds(thousands?).

wharrgarbl

@highfivesforall I like that mental picture. Thousands and thousands of blocks! (Romcoms are a very old genre.)

chickaboom

@Lemonnier Wait, this is truly special. It really takes it to the next level. On top of it, what a great line. "Please take this as a romantic comedy" ? YES.

fabel

This was SO funny. LOL.

No, but seriously, I have one of these dudes & when I don't respond (even though I'm CLEARLY online) he waits like 20 minutes and then is like "guess you don't wanna talk lol" (but he obviously doesn't believe this, because he'll FB-chat me again like 2 weeks later?)

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This is why I never ever ever turn on facebook chat EVER. All my real friends have gchat and the only people who ever try to talk to me on facebook are like my friend's creep older brother who I only hooked up with that one time because tequila and it was my birthday okay?!? Ugh.

candybeans

@Steph seriously. Facebook chat ONLY elicits creeps and past hook-ups for me, too. Like this guy I went on three dates with six years ago, who then failed to call me for two months after I wasn't ready to have sex with him, and now thinks that we should "hang out" now that he lives in my city. That chat box with his name popping up nearly gave me a heart attack, and I just signed out without replying. Dude. You lost your chance about five times over.

sarah girl

I have this dude (although he's chilled out a lot recently), and thanks to the Facebook ticker, I've learned that he's that dude for quite a few people! It's actually hilarious, though, because he is always just a LITTLE too late with his comments. Like, someone will post on Friday that they went to a concert, then on Monday night he'll go "nice, where?" A girl posted that she was going on vacation to New Zealand (and had said several times that it was a 10-day trip); he commented on that status THREE WEEKS LATER with "still in NZ?"

I like to imagine that he is forever rushing into rooms just as the last person is leaving, calling out "Wait hold on, what happened? That jacket is awesome, how much was it? Where are you goiiiiiiing"

michaeladaniel@twitter

@Sarah H. Okay, that is just a little bit sad and adorable, but I am thinking back to my social anxiety days, and remembering -being- that person. So. Everyone should feel free to ignore those comments! It is possibly an awkward person, learning the ropes.

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@michaeladaniel@twitter Agreed. As an awkward person who spends WAY too much time constructing and re-writing completely innocuous comments and posts, I feel for him.

okaycrochet

You will stop seeing D on purpose, but your mutual friends will forget and D will be there sometimes. When you leave he will text you "You boobies look bigger lol" and "Come to [public university] and stay in my room lol." If D is persistent, you will eventually block him on Facebook, Myspace, AIM, Gmail, and your cell phone. Though afflicted with penis-for-brains, D is techy-savvy. He will then text you somehow using the internet in a way you can't block. You will change your number. He will start messaging your sister. And all because you made out with him in his car one time when you were 17.

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I have a guy that I mistakenly had sex with a few times. Although the sex was really good, he has personality of a cardboard box (I sincerely thought he was just shy).
So, every now and then I get these comments on facebook chat that consist of:
J:Hey.
J:Hey.
J:Hey.
J:Did you fix your webcam?
And then I close out facebook.

Sierrararar

This, all of this, except I'd only ever been friends with the guy and he always stopped just at borderline inappropriate. And commented on EVERYTHING on my facebook, EVERY SINGLE THING. Eventually he got blood-boilingly angry at me for not inviting him out when I was back in my hometown and sent me a few maniacal facebook rants before deleting me. Thus followed about 8 months of peace before he re-added me. But he's keeping his distance now at least.

gfrancie

OMG THAT guy. I had a few of those. They linger like ants or something. With one, he would contact me every six months to see if I was still in a relationship. Finally I blocked him. Because every conversation was like that. YES we made out/had sex once upon a time. NO that is not going to happen ever again. No really. It isn't.

Dreamfall

I feel kind of bad cos i've been that guy. :(

Anyway here is an amusing video about the subject

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyU4FeVdUa4

redheaded&crazy

ugh for some reason this is now reminding me of that "look up girls in your area" app or whatever that I heard of and have no idea if it's real or not.

i think my fb profile is pretty private ... i feel like having a public fb profile is how you end up getting messaged by creeps :S

Kate Kane

@redheaded&crazie Girls Around Me? Yeah. Ick. It got pulled from the app store, but I'm sure someone's just waiting to replace it. So, so creepy.

wharrgarbl

@redheaded&crazie It does appear to be real, yes. There are instructions on how to kill the social networks' permissions that let it work, though, and Foursquare is working on fixing part of what lets it (and similar apps) work.

sea monster

so, I created an account just for this...
I have a similar situation going on, except I didn't ever make out with the guy, and he's... mentally handicapped? But I get on average, a FB message every day and it's usually Hi... Hi... Hey... What's up?... Hi... How r u? But occasionally it slips into "I miss u" or "Ur my only friend" or "I wish I had a girlfriend like u" territory. Only, we were never close and I don't want to be his only friend and I know nothing about him and he knows nothing about me except we were involved in the same organization. I would chalk it up to him being a manipulative asshole, but I really don't think that he realizes that he's doing this, and I feel like I should just be nice, but its more than a little creepy and UGH!

Also, I've told him I'm married and that toned it down for a while. And he didn't really start until I moved across the country, but STILL!

wharrgarbl

@sea monster Block him. You've got pretty much nothing to lose except a chronic, low-grade level of feeling creeped out and guilty. Aaaaand it's entirely possible that nurturing some comfortable private fantasy about how close you two are and how he might have a shot with you is something he's doing rather than going out and meeting a pool of for-real available partners. So it also doesn't sound like he's got a lot to lose by getting blocked, except maybe the passing sting of a slightly-bruised ego.

Porn Peddler

My person-who-vaguely-fits-the-bill re: facebook dudes who try to talk to you when single recently began just...trying to antagonize me by commenting on my shit. It was awesome because it was blatantly obvious.

Harriet Welch M@facebook

I have this person in real life. It's more awkward for sure. This happens almost every time I go out.

Dungeon Master: Hey
Me: [awkwardly trying to find anyone to rescue me] hey
awkward silence
Dungeon Master: rant about whatever
Me: [Making "help me" eyes at dudes all over]
Dungeon Master: So, do you want to go out sometime?

This kid asked me out 87 times in 7th grade. I was nice to him because I thought (think?) he was mildly autistic. I have met one brief boyfriend and one AMAZING 30 day one night stand by making "help me" eyes at random dudes. I am married now. My husband thinks it's funny when we run into him. My husband's friends buy him shots.

He's nice and really harmless. It would just be mean of me to be all "Step off asshole". The kid just really doesn't have any friends. He's a minor nuisance to me, but it would be a real blow for me to just be a jerk. I don't really care if anyone thinks I'm a bitch, but I don't need to be unnecessarily unkind to someone.

whateverlolawants

I now have the confidence to log onto my dead OKCupid account and see the horrible messages that have probably piled up since I got into a relationship. I will simply respond (in my head) in this manner. Then delete the account.

I guess I always did that, but now I feel like I can do it again.

Also- I recently asked, on a FB status, if anyone had a copy of a certain book I could borrow. (The Hunger Games, if you must know.) And among all the unhelpful "I have it on my Kindle!" responses, my D said, "I already lent it out. Why am I telling you this? BECAUSE I MISS YOUR FACE!"

Dude. I don't miss yours.

Hammitt

I flirted with a guy when I was 15. When I was 16, he came to visit me (I had moved) and we made out. When I was 19 he sent me a box with all of our IM conversations printed out and cut up with relevant passages highlighted. When I was 20, he told me that despite living 400 miles apart and not having seen one another for four years, we should probably date. When I was 23, he flew across five states to discover that I wasn't planning on sleeping with him.

He's now happily dating someone else and we talked for the first time in four years. I'm on his Christmas card list now. Things get better.

Tulletilsynet

Was this post meant as a letter to an advice columnist?

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What does it say about me that I have at least 3 guys from whom I randomly get texts & fb messages like this? And after almost 5 years of never answering (because I've been in a relationship, and also just because), still they pop up every once in a while. 5 years!

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I guess a lot of people had such conversations on Facebook, especially women that have a lot of people in their friend list. Since I started using My Life to manage my online identity and connections I stopped receiving such messages on Facebook, they are very annoying and I am glad I don`t receive such messages anymore.

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I started using My Life to manage my online identity and connections I stopped receiving such messages on Facebook, they are very annoying and I am glad I don`t receive such messages anymore.
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I started using My Life to manage my online identity and connections I stopped receiving such messages on Facebook, they are very annoying and I am glad I don`t receive such messages anymore.
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