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Friday, April 6, 2012

170

Meditations on 13 Bits of Graffiti in the Ladies' Room at the Pub Trivia Bar

IBlameThePatriarch.com
go, read, know
You mean this whole mess was just one patriarch this entire time? Well, goddamn, I blame him, too.

Don’t be sexist, bitches HATE THAT
… You know, fair enough.

Lady 1: douchebag
Lady 2: douchebag is a hygienic product I take that as a compliment!
Lady 3: They give you yeastie beasties! Ew!
Something about this exchange is unexpectedly cute. Is it the “yeastie beasties” part? I think it’s the “yeastie beasties” part.

College is for people who
Who what? Who WHAT?!

I would rather have diamonds in my pussy & dicks round my neck!
Can we please all put this on our family crests forever, creating family crests from scratch if necessary? Let’s make a pact, right here on the wall of this bathroom stall.

Lady 1: I just want to fall in love
Lady 2: me too but women are disposable in ATX
Lady 3: bullshit, women are never disposible
Awwww, you guuuuys! I’m counting this as three signatures on the pact.

The worst part about having sex with Jesus is he’s always trying to cum in your heart
This is NOT what I was taught in church growing up, can someone PLEASE confirm or deny this??

Lady 1: “Life without music would be a waste” –Nietzsche
Lady 2: Well at least you spelled it correctly … I think you don’t get Nietzche
Just so we’re clear on this, the first girl spelled “Nietzsche” right, but got the quote wrong. The second girl got her condescension right, but misspelled “Nietzsche.”

Did you remember to clean your VAG?
Well, I tried, but it’s so difficult sometimes, I wish there was some sort of easily accessible educational resource, perhaps an Internet website where I could—

WashYoVag.com
omg sisterhood

Lady 1: [name redacted] has the smallest dick I’ve ever seen on a grown man
Lady 2: Baby dick!
Lady 3: I concur!
Well, it doesn’t seem to be slowing him down any.

Lady 1: A lot of people shit with pens
Lady 2 has added one letter so that it now says: A lot of people shit with penis
The first lady is correct, but the second lady is correcter.

Barbacks clean these bathrooms. We just want a pretty girl to smile at us.
Augh! There’s boys in here reading our secrets! Cover this all up quick, they can’t know about the diamond pussy pact.

Previously: The Contraception "Debate."

Lauren O'Neal lives in Austin, Texas.

Image via vectorkat, via Shutterstock

170 Comments / Post A Comment

Messy Jessi

Is this in Austin TX? I think I know that baby dick guy

Woman Laughing Alone With Boas

@Messy Jessi I think I've seen that baby dick graffiti, but because it is in a bar, I can't remember which one?

Lauren_O'Neal

@Messy Jessi Dear God, is there anyone in this city who doesn't?!

BoozinSusan

@Messy Jessi Micropenis? (I learned about that from Dear Prudence)

TheGenYgirl

@Messy Jessi I must have missed that lyric...

Oliver St. John Mollusc

I am love this forevarrr

redheaded&crazy

@quickdrawkiddo oh my god i'm dying

Emby

Favorite bar bathroom quote: "If you had to take a cab here, you don't belong here."

These are good, too.

stuffisthings

@Emby $500 says that bar is in DC.

Emby

@stuffisthings You win $500! It's at The Raven.

tibia

@stuffisthings The best DC bathroom graffiti (in theory) is all the "grout" puns written teeny-tiny in the tile grout in the bathroom at Tryst. Unfortunately a lot of the puns aren't that funny. Too bad, because I had grout expectations.

stonefruit

@tibia ugh, Tryst. That place needs to be burned with fire (TM), I'm sure pretension and disdain are highly flammable.

SarahDances

@Emby Best DC area bathroom graffiti I've run into is at the Quarry House in Silver Spring, for this exchange alone:

Lady 1: R.I.P. Estelle Getty!
Lady 2: And Bea Arthur!
Lady 3: And Rue McLanahan!
Lady 4: GOLDEN GIRLS 4 LYFE

iwearaFEZnow

@tibia AAhh! I just got blindsided by homesickness just for Tryst (sorry, family).

@stonefruit but…chocolate chip belgian waffles! and animal crackers! Maybe it's just that I grew up with the place, but I can't hate it, pretention and all.

sarah girl

@SarahDances Quarry House's graffiti is FASCINATING. There's so much of it!

SarahDances

@Sarah H. I know! I'm certain I've taken entirely too long in there on more than one occasion because I was too busy reading.

stuffisthings

@Sarah H. My fav. (from the men's room) is "Virginia is for dummies" written inside a Virginia-shaped piece of missing paint.

redonion

@iwearaFEZnow The animal crackers! I mean, I just can't hate a place that gives me animal crackers. But I have lots of good Tryst memories.

stuffisthings

@Emby Well I'd come collect but I don't live within walking distance of the Raven, and I'd hate to be disapproved of by bathroom graffiti.

Also, coming back from lunch I just overheard someone loudly say to her friend "Fuck your fascinator!" -- would someone please write this in a ladies' room for me?

tibia

@stuffisthings I live around the corner from the Raven, you are welcome to move in temporarily if you split the $500 pot with me.

Tulletilsynet

@tibia
I was all, Hey I have been in Toilet Grout! and then I remembered I was a dude. So I guess not.

Oh, squiggles

Perfect. I love, love bathroom graffiti.

I have a picture of one that details a conversation about weight, weight gain/loss, and how "fat is hot".

wee_ramekin

LOL forever at that alt text. Edith, you beautiful fucking genius.

atipofthehat

@wee_ramekin

NIMIS RUDIS IN CONIUNCTIO

stuffisthings

@wee_ramekin Jus' chillin' with my anchor and my lion, what?

atipofthehat

@stuffisthings

In New York City, most women are Allegorical or Heraldic, with a very few exceptions.

stuffisthings

@atipofthehat I like my women like I like my statues of women. (Granite-hard and covered in bird shit?)

stuffisthings

@stuffisthings Nine feet tall or busty, is what I meant to say.

atipofthehat

@stuffisthings

Ah! Now you've gone and reminded me of an ex.

stuffisthings

@atipofthehat Was she statuesque? Or did you just put her on a pedestal?

atipofthehat

@stuffisthings

When we sat down at a cafe table there was no place for her knees and we had to relocate.

Judith Slutler

I'm so disappointed that "washyovag.com" isn't a real website.

Last night my bf discovered anti-circumcision graffiti in the men's room, and this led to me finding out that he actually thinks circumcision is legitimate for hygiene reasons, which was pretty weird? Also that one of his friends' moms is Jewish but atheist and didn't have him circumcised.

Circumcision chat.

noodge

@Emmanuelle Cunt my ex wasn't circumcised, and didn't have good hygiene, and was really really demanding about blow jobs. so i thought i hated uncircumcised sexy times. but then life saw fit to give me plenty of opportunities with uncircumcised men during my post-separation sex escapades and i realized that, no, my ex was not just an asshole, he was negligent about genital hygiene. so i think uncircumcised is the way to go now.

Judith Slutler

@teenie Yeah, I was kind of like... Um, girls have to learn how to washyovag.com, is it really so hard for little boys to learn how to deal with a foreskin? Whatever, no son of mine is gonna get snipped for no reason.

Bebe

@teenie I honestly (as a woman) can't really tell the difference? I mean, length and girth are far more important than a little extra skin or whatever. And I don't particularly care what it looks like either. It's more about what it does than how it looks.

But yes, cut or uncut, hygiene is critical.

noodge

@Emmanuelle Cunt @Bebe
yes to all. and after i wrote that i was thinking it sounded weird, like who am i to dictate whether a boy should be circumcised or not? it feels like the type of objectification women deal with, and i was worried my comment would be seen as dickish. but then i remembered: yes, i want to be a mother someday, and will have to make this decision for my (potential future) son. sooooo... i'm not being dickish? yay!

Beaker

@Emmanuelle Cunt Circumcision has been shown to reduce vaginal-to-penile HIV transmission by at least 50% in a number of studies in Africa (HIV virus targets the Langerhans cells that are concentrated in the foreskin, so no foreskin = less chance of viral infection!)

That's not what your boyfriend was referring to about hygiene, but at least you could say there's a medically valid reason for circumcision?

tibia

@Beaker There's also recent evidence that circumcision may help prevent prostate cancer! But I think only if you are circumcised before you become sexually active.

Das Rad

@Emmanuelle Cunt I was firmly of the mindset that circumcision was an antiquated religious practice and was certain that I was not going to circumcise my newborn son. Well, it turned out the wife had an opposite view, and she won. For all the anxiety I had about it, they numbed him up real good, and he slept like a baby during the process and afterward, showing not the slightest hint of any pain. So now I say do it or don't, it's not that big of a deal either way. Just my opinion.

wharrgarbl

@Beaker Or...people could just use condoms. I mean, if we're going to be running a science-based cultural-change campaign, and all.

@teenie You don't actually have to make the call unless there's an anatomical problem causing a medical issue. Older boys and adult men can still get snipped, if they want to!

Don
Don

@teenie Your first comment just blew my mind.

EpWs

@tibia Seriously? HOW?

noodge

@Don really? in what way?

Beaker

@wharrgarbl Oh, of course condoms is the best way to go! But these studies were mostly done in areas where condom use is either not widely practiced or not easily accessible - you can always take a condom off/not use one but you can't re-attach your langerhans cells. I don't think anyone thinks circumcision is the best for lowered HIV risk if you live in a developed country/have access to condoms.

meetapossum

@tibia Do people frequently get circumcised AFTER becoming sexually active???

I don't really mind either way, but I do sometimes prefer uncircumcised because it makes HJs way easier.

Don
Don

@teenie I've never thought about the predicament of being faced with a dirty uncircumcised weiner before. Terrifying.

mustelid

@Beaker I'm not sure if they've done follow up studies, but the study I remember reading about that discovered the "link" between circumcision and reduced risk of HIV infection was pretty flawed by the experimental design.

Basically, they were circumcising adult males. And they were telling these adult males, "You can't have sex for the next six weeks while your penis heals. But if you absolutely must have sex, you have to use a condom. Here's how to use a condom." So like, six fewer weeks of sex plus the knowledge of how to use a condom may have had a little bit to do with the reduced infection rate?

Anyway you are referencing some cells and other sciency shit so maybe there was a follow-up study that established an actual link? But I'm not about to go googlin' "circumcision hiv" at work so I'll leave that to someone else.

Also agree with wharrgarbl that a better way to prevent HIV transmission is probably to encourage condom use rather than circumcision.

noodge

@Don yeah, it was pretty bad :-(
@tibia - one of my gentleman callers from my footloose and fancy free days was starting to experience a contracting of the foreskin, and was facing the real possibility that he would have to be circumcised. also, in a lot of developing nations men are being circumcised as adults in some health initiatives aimed at reducing HIV rates.

Aloysius

@Emmanuelle Cunt Women have a clitoral hood, which is physiologically equivalent to the male foreskin. If a study came out saying that cutting that off would lead to reduced rates of HIV infection, would you believe we should allow that type of female circumcision?

LornaLoo

@teenie Can't they just do a dorsal slit on that particular problem? Don't wiki that if you're at work, like I just did.

ThundaCunt

@tibia i saw a mini documentary about a man who was circumsized as a child and later in life had reduced feeling in his penis tip and was upset...he made a prosthetic foreskin to try and regain the sensation in his penis and was very envious of men who had foreskins....so there's that too, i guess.

i have two sons. one is and one isnt.

iceberg

@Emmanuelle Cunt We didn't, and now i wish we had because it's really fucking hard to clean that thing, it's so tiny and arrghhh I am talking about my son's penis on the internet stop stop stop.

NeverOddOrEven

@ThundaCunt They sell those! Penis Socks or something...

tibia

@NeverOddOrEven I believe on Friends Monica and Joey figured out baloney was the most convincing substitute.

zidaane

@Emmanuelle Cunt You have heard of cheese dick right?

beeline96

@zidaane I have a funny memory of first hearing "dick cheese" while having pizza at a restaurant. Alas, my experience with actual unhygienic, uncircumcised penis led to a UTI requiring a hospital stay.

So guys, get rid of your dick cheese, seriously, it is revolting and could cause your ladies a lot of problems.

NeverOddOrEven

@beeline96 Good Lord, why does this even need to be said?!

noodge

@NeverOddOrEven for the most part, it doesn't. but there are still people out there who haven't gotten the memo? my ex used to think i was being "prissy" if I couldn't handle the... aroma. it was SERIOUSLY the worst.

zidaane

@beeline96 Ask a clean lady moment.

beeline96

@NeverOddOrEven I think maybe it's more important to warn ladies about the dangers of dick cheese ---- the pizza-eating came years after the actual dick-cheese experience, which happened to be with the first guy I ever slept with. No one warned me that this was A Thing. It's not like my grade school teachers or MOM ever warned me about UTIs, either.

Now I know.

meetapossum

@beeline96 Yeah, why is that always left out? A brief, "Oh hey, remember to pee after coitus" would prevent SO MANY UTIs.

NeverOddOrEven

@meetapossum Or a stern, "Don't sleep with dirty boys!"

My first (and second, and third) UTI was caused by a Dirty Boy. I pissed blood.

purefog

@Don One word: SMEGMA

fondue with cheddar

@teenie It IS the worst! I've only been with one uncircumcised guy, and I went down on him and didn't pull the foreskin back right away and actually had it IN MY MOUTH. It was covered in the foreskin so it probably didn't come in contact with my tongue, but still! And holy crap the smell was bad when I finally pulled it back. It actually knocked my head back and made my eyes water. Not to mention the gagging. HORRIFYING.

noodge

@jen325 yes! that's what i'm talking about! i would try to just drool on it and work it with my hand a bit so my face wouldn't get the brunt of it, but it was just awful. and if my face screwed up from trying not to breathe it in he would get all butt hurt. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE, NEW WIFE OF EX-MR. TEENIE.

meetapossum

Ugh, ladies, I am so sorry for you all. I've really been reading all your stories with a look of horror and disgust on my face. 'Pinner Dudes, clean your genitals! And tell your friends to do the same!

zidaane

@meetapossum Ha- what is the converse of that...
"Ladies- make that sour shit candy."
We have our own hell.

meetapossum

@zidaane Haha! Yes, I guess that should apply to everybody. Everyone, clean your genitals! And put good things in your body so your sexual excretions aren't rancid.

fondue with cheddar

@teenie Ugh, I can't believe he didn't keep that shit clean. In the case of my dude, we only had sex a few times and I NEVER went downtown after that incident, so I have no idea if uncleanliness was his usual state or not. I wasn't willing to take the chance. But your ex was MARRIED to you! The least he could have done was make his penis palatable for you. Instead, he got upset at you for having a natural reaction to nasty funk smell? He sounds like a real winner, cut from the same cloth as my ex husband. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE NOT WITH HIM ANYMORE.

noodge

@jen325 ME TOO! it's a classic example of a woman getting a serious relationship with a controlling douchebag when she's so young she hasn't yet developed her sense of self. it's been an awesome 3 1/2 years since, figuring myself out, finding friends and love, and how great life and love can be!

Slapfight

@All, I am not choosing to cut the skin off anyone's bits. Done way too much research on the subject, considering i have no kids. I will teach my hypothetical future son to wash. I've never had a problem with uncut dudes before, re: smegma. Sounds terrifying. Shudder.

fondue with cheddar

@teenie Yeah, it's pretty important to know who you are before you get married, even if you don't end up with a douchebag! I'm so happy you've moved on. You seem like a pretty fabulous lady!

Judith Slutler

Also I'm sorry bar back who cleans the women's room, but "we just want a pretty girl to smile at us" is like, super whiny.

EpWs

@Emmanuelle Cunt But...they clean your bathrooms! Therefore you must sleep with them! But only if you're pretty!

stuffisthings

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher As a former barback, I can attest that what he probably meant is that it would be nice just to be recognized as a human by other humans, period (not counting drunk guys who want to order and don't know what a barback is).

wee_ramekin

Ladies, ladies, please! Don't you realize that we're dealing with a 100% Genuine Nice Guy™ here?

God, bitches never know a good thing even when it's right in front of them...

atipofthehat

@Emmanuelle Cunt

"Women want a lot of things from one man. Men want one thing from a lot of women." So, smile if you're pretty!

TheDragon

@wee_ramekin Aren't about, oh. 99% of all interactions with the male sex with 100% Genuine Nice Guys? According to them anyway.

stuffisthings

Fine, I WON'T ask how your day is going.

contrary

My school library is overwrought with some pretty impressive bathroom graffiti (I take pictures of it a lot, don't judge me). Recently there have been a lot of passive aggressive typed notes being taped up that influence even MORE writing. The other day someone wrote "It's okay to look up at the sky sometimes" and under it some one wrote "only if you're wearing sunscreen" (truth!), but then under that it said "not if semen is shooting out of the sky!" It's a pretty prominent medical school, I would think that people would know the sun doesn't ejaculate at will, but maybe I missed that part of astronomy in undergrad because I was so distracted by the bathroom graffiti.

AniaGosia

@contrary You thought you were blinded by the sun's rays, but all along it was the sun's semen! Who knew?

Bebe

@contrary For some reason this reminds me of a line in a Frank O'Hara poem, "A True Account of Talking to the Sun at Fire Island," in which the sun says, "I know you love Manhattan, but you've got to look up once in a while."

Maybe that was just a trick, though - to make people look up and then BLAM - sun semen facial.

redonion

@AniaGosia So those first really sunny days of spring we're all happy and glowy with new sunshine pregnancy. But by the end of the summer in the dog days when the sidewalks are shimmering and it's like "Clothes?!" and we all want to die in a vat of ice and why can't we just be done with this sunshine already, it's the end of the gestation cycle?

fondue with cheddar

@Bebe Is that why we slather on sunscreen? In order to trick the sun into thinking he already got us?

olivebee

Man, I need to spend more time in bar restrooms. I usually try to get in and out as quickly as possible, but little did I know there was such a goldmine to be, um, mined.

Princess Slaya

My favorite/regular bar in Philly has the best graffiti on the walls, plus magazine clips of hot dudes (Patrick Swayze Shrine). You Philly 'pinners know what I'm talking about. (Is being a 'pinner a thing?)

noodge

@Princess Slaya hell yes it's a thing! and hell yes that's a good bathroom!

Megasus

@Princess Slaya I don't live in Philly but that sounsd like a great bathroom.

MoxyCrimeFighter

@Princess Slaya POPE! Also, I think it's...Raven Lounge? has a graffiti bathroom that's fun.

wee_ramekin

WHO IS COLLEGE FOR?!?!

Debt-ridden parties need to know...

sarah girl

The second douchebag comment is a (slightly bastardized) Wet Hot American Summer quote!!!

Also, the one and only time I've written on a bathroom wall (I know) - At a bar in DC, saw the following exchange:
- "Occupy DC was here"
- "GET A JOB"

I kind of saw red, pulled a pen out of my bag and scribbled "WHAT JOBS???" underneath. Felt good.

sarah girl

@Sarah H. Also, the hilariously ironic cherry on top: The name of the bar is Recessions.

melis

"Alexa? We do need a Druid, and you have certainly cast a level-5 charm spell on me."

dracula's ghost

@melis GOOD ONE, BETH

melis

@dracula's ghost HEY JJ

SAVE ME A WAFFLE MAN

dracula's ghost

@melis
WHERE ARE WE GOING
A BIG SECRET PIZZA PARTY
OH BOY I LOVE PIZZA
YEAH, WELL

sarah girl

@dracula's ghost WHERE'S THE PHONE

WHERE'S THE FUCKING PHOOOOONE

dracula's ghost

@Sarah H.
I want Victor back
Yeah well we all want him back, Sammy, but he's not coming back.
My name isn't Sammy

melis

You're doing it! You're - oh my god! Oh my god, you're saving them! You're actually doing it! I can't believe you're saving them! You saved them!

dracula's ghost

@melis next time we go camping, YOU drive the van

melis

@dracula's ghost You're all right by me, Victor Pulak. I'm okay, you're okay.

stuffisthings

@melis Good jokes, I should write them down in my gournal.

melis

You listen to me, you cigarette-smoking piece of shit. Mr. Kickass. Mr. Rubber Burner. I was in the Viet Nam war.

dracula's ghost

@melis maybe you should talk to him

stuffisthings

(I want you inside me)

dracula's ghost

@stuffisthings from before

melis

Show me the fever
into the fire!
taking it higher and higher!
nothing to fear
it's only desire!
taking you higher an higher
be a believer
a spirit igniter!
taking it higher and higher
ending is near
the future is brighter!
taking you higher and higher

ooo

higher
higher

ooo

higher
higher

ooo

wee_ramekin

@melis *rips sleeves off of T-shirt, dons cotton sweatshorts...slow-motion airborne high-five*

dracula's ghost

@wee_ramekin will you show me this, what did you call it? A new way?

Megasus

Oh man, you know where else has pretty great bathroom grafitti? Bus stations.

LornaLoo

My personal favorite lady bathroom bar graffiti is in Lansing, Michigan at Mac's.

L1 - Wash and eat yogurt
L2 - How do you wash yogurt?

Also, in second place, in the men's bathroom at Phyllis's Musical Inn in Chicago:

"Billy Corgan blows goats for wine change."

Das Rad

@LornaLoo Inquiring minds want to know just what you were doing in the men's bathroom at Phyllis's.

LornaLoo

@Das Rad the urge to purge knows no gender boundaries.

Judith Slutler

@Das Rad Huh, I crash the men's bathrooms at bars any time the lines for the women's bathrooms are too long.

LornaLoo

@Emmanuelle Cunt Indeed. But, sadly I was not actually in the men's bathroom at Phyllis's. My dearly passed away friend reported this information to me.

LornaLoo

@Emmanuelle Cunt Yup. It's a perfect memory of that particular friend.

elysian fields

Oh my God! It was the Patriarch all along! THE ECUMENICAL PATRIARCH OF CONSTANTINOPLE! Damn it, Bartholomew I, I KNEW it was you!!! You bastard!

atipofthehat

"Euripides pants, Eumenides pants."

atipofthehat

@atipofthehat

SEMPER UBI SUB UBI

martinipie

@atipofthehat Yessssss thank you. My classics prof just made this joke and now it is stuck in my head.

purefog

@atipofthehat NUNQUAM!

boysplz

@atipofthehat Ha! I've heard both of those jokes in my Latin education. Well played.

Two-Headed Girl

The best bathroom graffiti around here is in my favourite hipster cafe, which, I know, but the man dancing with a be-penised unicorn gets me every time. See also: "Harry Potter, your wand could be more sonic."

Does Axl have a jack?

@Two-Headed Girl Unicorn drawings! One of my favorites is a unicorn with a flower wreath around its neck with 'Magic lives in the heart' written under it. Such an amusingly unlikely thing to find on a bathroom wall.

scariel

I've carried a sharpie into good graffiti'd bathrooms so many times, but I can never think of what to say. It's like my pledge to get a tattoo someday (once I figure out a cool enough idea).

frigwiggin

It's not setting the bar high, but the best graffiti I ever saw said, "Toy Story 2 was an okay movie."

wee_ramekin

"Avatar was fine."

atipofthehat

@wee_ramekin

In a bathroom context, your username becomes, perhaps, a wee-wee bit eccentric.

wee_ramekin

@atipofthehat Oh piss off.

atipofthehat

@wee_ramekin

Why you no-good four-flusher!

wee_ramekin

@atipofthehat Urine for a surprise if you think I'm going to keep doing this with you all afternoon.

atipofthehat

@wee_ramekin

I'm just looking out for number one, wee.

*leaves seat up*

stuffisthings

This pun thread is already circling the drain.

atipofthehat

@stuffisthings

rammy-kins bailed because she's yellow.

wee_ramekin

@atipofthehat Ugh...I'd rather bail than listen to you bladder on about nothing.

malcontent

My favorite bathroom graffiti is in the Classics library at my university -- someone drew a column around the slit on the toilet paper holder where you can see how much toilet paper is left and wrote "isn't it ionic?" next to it. Some people continued the song, one person wrote "IRONIC," and another wrote "no, it's doric!" The last one is my favorite. I love classicists.

wallsdonotfall

@malcontent I see your nerd graffiti and raise you a whole book: http://www.crescatgraffiti.com/

nonvolleyball

@wallsdonotfall UChicago ftw!

BuffyBot

Woman 1: DON'T FUCK LARS!
Woman 2: He's dirty!!
Woman 3: and he lies!!!
- Princeton, NJ

"You are so fucking beautiful. Probably."
-Jersey Shore

"#DRUNKGIRLPROBLEMS"
-PA

Favorites.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

While I enjoyed all of this, "omg sisterhood" had me spit-laughing at my desk.

BosomBuddy

In the women's room near my office:

L1: BAD WOLF
L2: wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff
L3: Don't blink. Blink and you're dead.
L4: Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.

To which I should add: this stall is bigger on the inside.

meetapossum

NOTCHES
(series of notches, counting)

Be yourself (or just be someone else, duh)

purefog

"Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinal, as it makes them soggy and hard to light."

steponitvelma

Best I saw in a bar bathroom in Portland: "I will stab every one of you bitches in the face. Love, Stabby McFaceStabber"

NeverOddOrEven

Ooh! Ooh! A place to share my favorite piece of ladies room graffiti! Ahem -

"Ball movement, bitches!"

I like to imagine it was a basketball team member during post-practice drinks. Buuuut maybe not talking about basketball.

feartie

I saw 'I believe in Sherlock' in huge letters under a bridge, which was quite sweet.

'Punch your boss' on a wall in Glasgow. Glasgow being the place it is, probably someone took this as sincere advice.

Audley

@feartie A bunch of people at my college did an extended series of Sherlock-related chalkings around our campus. They always made my day when I saw them on the way to class.

ranran

Austin has the BEST graffiti of anywhere I've ever lived! Every time I'm at Beerland, especially, I think of how I should document it. Also at the end of SXSW I was pretty drunk at Sidebar and saw some graffiti that said "[full name of guy I know] has HERPES!!!!" which struck me as the funniest thing ever at the time. He didn't think it was as funny as I did, though.

I'm positive I've read some of these before, and it's driving me nuts that I can't figure out where.

Lauren_O'Neal

@ranran It starts with an H and ends with an ole in the Wall.

ranran

@Lauren_O'Neal Ahhhhhh yes! Thank you.

Texian

@Lauren_O'Neal HITW - Great bar! Live music, pool tables, beer and only a block from the co-op! It's been 20 years (sob!) but the memories live on! They are hazy but good.

Non-anonymous

One of my personal rules is that if I see graffiti that consists of nothing but a URL, I will never ever visit that URL. You're going to have to make some token effort at convincing me if you want me to look at your crappy website.

HydrogenJukebox

Art school bathroom graffiti is the best, I think. But me, I'm just waiting to find the right bridge on which to paint "I don't want the world, I just want your half".

dracula's ghost

@HydrogenJukebox GOOD REF!!!!!

katiethegreat

Lady 1: Some boring question or other
Lady 2: YES
Lady 3: no
Lady 4: maybe?
Me: I don't know, can you repeat the question?

The only time I have ever felt moved to graffiti in a toilet! It took me soo long, biro does not work well on that type of wall and I did not have my sharpie with me!

Spooky Behaviour

My favourite bar bathroom graffiti was an anarchy A followed by "satin rules".

Oh and "even Hitler had a girlfriend", which for some reason has haunted me for, oh, six years. Like I want to sit down that lady (?) and have a chat with her: Don't go down that rabbit hole, lonely Green Room patron, no good comes from envying Hitler in any capacity*!

*understatement

StandardTuber

@Spooky Behaviour:
in one stall at college, I changed "Satan rules," to read "Batman rules." It was the only
thing to do, since I couldn't erase it and I didn't want to stare at that.

Jane Err

My favorite, ever:
Lady 1: Perkins eats pussy like a champ!
Lady 2: Because he has a tiny dick.
Lady 3: Not true! His dick is so big it has eyelashes! EYELASHES!!

And then one lovely human had drawn a giant penis with cartoon-deer eyes and huge 40s eyelashes.

Glorious.

atipofthehat

@Jane Err

How do you get this mascara off, anyway?

throwaway style

bathroom graffiti in austin, a small enough town/scene where you could generally figure out who most of the claims are about, making it that much more enjoyable. my favorite was in a red river bar some years ago, when i was in a band called homewrecker (there are a million bands called homewrecker, fwiw) and my singer wrote "homewrecker. we fucked your man." which someone fixed to read "homewrecker. we fucked your doberman."

Pitch Blease

I'm just here to sign the "I would rather have diamonds in my pussy & dicks round my neck!" family crest pact.

meanderling

Pub trivia in ATX? Somebody tell me where this bar is! Also, I am ridiculously excited that my city of current habitation is mentioned/awesome/etc. Oh god, is my Texas Small Town Girl showing? I think so.

Also: the bathroom graffiti in the bathrooms on UT campus is also pretty philosophical. Something about Austin, I guess.

Sorbee

@meanderling I go to the Wednesday one at Gourmand's on Webberville road. It's fun!

Nutmeg

I text my brother whenever I see Dr. Who related graffiti (weirdly, so far only in the women's bathroom at the Garage in Harvard?) and I don't really know how he feels about this but he's had his chance to complain.

Brunhilde

My favorite around Seattle is "UW degrees" with a big arrow to the toilet paper dispenser.

sovereignann@twitter

"I would rather have diamonds in my pussy & dicks round my neck!" These both sound incredibly uncomfortable. Diamons would be kinda pointy where I don't want sharp pointy things and I have a hard time not picturing the second one as being shrivled up things like when movies show people with human ears around their necks--and the smell. Sorry, apparently today is literal day.
Also, graffiti from the men's room at Lee Harvey's in Dallas: "Anyone can pee on the floor, be a hero and shit on the ceiling."

niceheathenism

"The worst part about having sex with Jesus is he’s always trying to cum in your heart"
Oddly appropriate to the paper I'm supposed to be researching right now! Maybe I can use it as a subtitle?

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