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Lies, Kissing Biblically, and Translucent Officewear

So, I’ve been dating an AMAZING guy for the past seven months. He is loving and sweet and we’ve recently started talking like we have a long-term future together, which is exciting! I just have one concern that I think maybe is a big deal but maybe it’s only a big deal in my mind? Which is where you come in.

Basically it’s that I told a little lie to a new boyfriend who has surprise! Turned into a long-term boyfriend who I love a lot (see above). When we first got together, I was a virgin. The wrapping was still on the package. I had had some serious boyfriends before and we had done everything BUT actual sex. The issue is I didn’t tell me new guy this and when we had sex for the first time, he had NO IDEA it was for real the first time for me. I didn’t tell him because 1) I didn’t want him thinking I was inexperienced, and 2) I didn’t want him to feel pressure or think he was making me do something I didn’t want to do (trust me — I REALLY wanted to do it). I also kind of told him that I had had sex with my last boyfriend and we even swapped stories about our “first time” (it wasn’t a complete lie … I told him about my first time doing some real “I’m all grown up now” horny teen action).

So now my issue is, I’m maybe going to be with this guy FOREVER and EVER, and I have this lie out there. Should I tell him now? Would you be upset if you were in his position and found out about this? Should I just take this to my grave with me??

There are very few good reasons to perpetuate lies long term. Especially in healthy relationships. They eat away at you. They hang out in the back of your mind the same way donuts allegedly stay in your stomach for thousands of years. Get out from under. Your sexual history is a completely natural thing to have embellished, but if you really like this guy, and he’s a guy you want to be with, lay the truth out there for him. Either he’s the sweet guy you think he is, or you’ll find out he’s not the one for you. Don’t just explain that you lied, tell him why. I suspect he’ll understand. That you’re even worried about this means you’re probably not the kind of liar who can go to the grave with a lie. That’s okay. The longer you keep this from him, though, the worse it will seem later. Not the actual lie, but WHY you lied and why you never trusted him with the truth. That’s worse than the lie, the fact that you didn’t trust that he could handle the truth.

So there’s this guy in my workplace I love to death — but there are some … problems with his wardrobe. He’s older and I don’t think he’d ever had a job as a Corporate Curmudgeon, so this might be new to him, but under the harsh, unforgiving lights of cubicle culture, the button-ups he wears become sort of … translucent. It’s a nipple party, Dude. A nipple party eight hours a day, five days a week.

The solution is obvious to me — undershirt! Fruit of the Loom — but because I’m female, I’m finding it a bit difficult to approach. If he were a fellow female, I’d just pull him aside in the bathroom, but since he’s not, if I mention anything it sort of smacks of me … looking at his nipples? (Which, to be fair, when you gaze into the nipple, the nipple gazes back at you.) I’ve thought about approaching his girlfriend at social events after a few drinks and asking her, but what do you suggest?

I’m not entirely clear why you can’t talk to him about the nipple show. Or why you’re so distracted by his nipples. Are guy nipples as distracting as lady nipples? I have never really thought about this. You can send me his email and I’ll send him a heads-up. “Dude. Your nipples are showing. Get an undershirt.” I’m pretty sure if you could say this to some lady you could say it to this older dude. “Hey, pal. Can I talk to you about something? A few of us have noticed you don’t wear undershirts and your nipples are a bit too friendly. Get a few t-shirts. Or some duct tape.” You may want to confirm with others in your office that this is an actual problem. If it is, okay. Friends would tell friends things like this. And friends would accept that people were being friends in telling us things like this. If no one else in your office thinks it’s an issue, you may just have to stop thinking about some old man’s nipples. In the old days some guy would have a terrible hairpiece and we would just have to accept this quirk. Surely you can avert looking at the dude’s nipples. His eyes are like a foot north of them.

So, I’m an asexual lady (which means that I’m not sexually attracted to anyone, consult the internet for more) and I’m seriously into one of my friends and have been for a while. This dude and I live a few hours away from each other now, so we don’t see each other often, though we do talk pretty regularly, and we’re going to be closer again this summer. We’re both bad at talking about things like feelings, so we haven’t addressed the relevant issue (i.e. I think he’s into me too, so maybe we should do something it). I’ve never had sex, and I’m not particularly interested (I realize this is new and different!), but I’d probably be willing to have sex with him if he wanted to, but obviously this is something that we’d need to discuss. I’d love to be assertive and make moves, but given our mutual shyness and my uncertainty in all things sexual, I’m hesitant. And even if nothing happens with this dude, there will be another dude later on who I’ll have to tell I don’t want to bang him. (For the record, I haven’t been in a relationship since realizing I’m asexual, and before that, things were just Really Weird in the sex department.)

So I guess my question is twofold: how would you, A Dude, feel if a lady you probably like told you she cares about you a lot romantically but isn’t interested in sex with anyone (not just you! you are wonderful and attractive and good!)? What would be the best way for her to explain/reveal this to you? And second, I realize that sex isn’t the only stumbling block here, but if you have any advice for me and my dude, I’d love to hear it.

How would I feel? I’ve been in stranger relationships. And I’ve seen worse situations for couples to be in. With worse obstacles to overcome. This is another situation that calls for the truth, too. If I really liked someone and they really liked me, that would be great. These particular complications are not unfamiliar to me. But if you guys like each other enough to work on them together, you’ll be in good shape. Even if sex is never possible or at the very least unlikely, that’s not the only thing relationships can offer: companionship, support. The world’s a lonely place. That you’d even consider having sex with this dude when sex doesn’t interest you is a pretty big compromise. Which makes me think you really do like this guy. And if he’s worth liking, he deserves a chance to figure all this out with you. And give yourself a chance. I’ve had some pretty strange sexual relationships proposed to me in the past. And I wish I had been more adult and less scared to deal with them together with my partner. I regret losing a person I cared about over stuff like this. If he can’t handle it now, maybe he would be strong enough to handle it later. It’s always better to find out than wonder. And it’s probably worse in your mind than it is in reality. Give yourself a chance to be happy, too.

My boyfriend and I were out of town, having a nice walkabout in the main street area. We spotted a good mutual male friend of ours. As we were going up to say hello, a girl dramatically ran up and kissed him. Not a ‘this is my sister and we’re having an afternoon shopping trip’ kiss either, but an ‘I know this woman in the Biblical sense,’ kiss. Which would be fine, I’m no prude, but this woman isn’t his wife. We know because his wife is not only awesome and better-looking, but one of my best friends. We clutched our pearls in dramatic Southern fashion, and Boo had the common sense to usher me away unspotted before I caused an oh hell naw Jerry Springer scene.

Now what? We’re both very good friends with the couple, and do couple-y double date things together all the time. Being the rational male-type, Boo insists it isn’t our place to say anything. The perpetrator should come clean on his own, and we should stay out of it. Naturally, this is at odds with my loyalty to my girl friend, who I know would want to be informed, and would do the same for me. In addition, I’m the owner of the world’s worst poker face. She’s going to know something’s up if we suddenly cancel our double dates, act strange around them, or heaven forbid I lunge across the dinner table and kick her husband in the nuts. She’s going to be pissed if she finds out we knew and didn’t say anything. I would also feel bad ruining the bromance between our guys by saying something, causing a divorce and subsequent division of friend assets. I don’t want to take sides, but I’m admittedly biased. Should we wait until it comes up, or blow the whistle? Please help!

You think this guy is sleeping around on your friend now? Or in the past? If you’re sure that it’s current, then I guess you already know what you have to do. And he probably shouldn’t be making out with people in the street, regardless. You might let your boyfriend know you can’t live with it, and force him to go tell the guy that he has to come clean. Give him a week to get it done before you take your friend out for drinks to drop the bomb. If it’s what you would want her to do for you, what you would expect her to do for you, you really have no choice. The consequences of all this could be pretty steep. But Polonius was right. “To thine own self be true.” Or whatever he said. If you can’t handle lying, the truth will come out of you soon enough. But give the guy a chance to do the right thing if you’re conflicted. A shot across the bow. He shouldn’t be brazenly kissing ladies in the street. It sounds like he wants to be caught. Or he’s a victim of some weird kissing lady who’s loose on the streets. Being a real friend is sometimes hard. Your boyfriend may not like this answer and may not want to help you. Give him a week to get it done, too. But also be prepared for a shitstorm.

Previously: Sixth Senses, Approachability, and the Penniless Nomad Actors.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude? (300 word max, please.)


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