Monday, April 9, 2012


50 Shades of Grey

An exclusive look at the list that women everywhere are masturbating to!

Light grey
Dark grey
Medium grey
Musty beige grey
Mauve-y grey
Old man whiskers grey
Duck Duck grey
Wall Street banker’s couch grey
That’s totally a really light blond hair grey
That’s totally a really light blond pube grey
Dolphin body grey
Seal body grey
Walrus body grey
Steve Buscemi body grey
Oops I forgot those English muffins were back there grey
Nintendo box grey
Bodily discharge grey
Cloudy morning grey
Cloudy evening grey
Sardine grey
Tuna Salad grey
Vomit after eating grey tuna salad grey
Lavender tea grey
Opium tea grey
Squirrel grey
Garbage can grey
Quarter life crisis grey
Full moon grey
Half moon grey
Winter feet grey
Pedicurist vision fade upon seeing winter feet grey
I went to college caesious
Seriously I’m really smart you should consider producing spawn with me liard
Drunkard fingernail grey
Bad hash grey
Good hash grey
Winter depression grey
Spring depression grey
Summer depression grey
Fall depression grey
Pillow drool grey
Unclean coffee machine grey
Bad steak grey
Dirty sock grey
Must clean shower tomorrow grey
Must take shower tomorrow grey
Dead for three days grey
Dead for 18 days grey

Lauren Bans is an editor at GQ.

61 Comments / Post A Comment


anderson cooper silver


looks are very important though. @n


I'm going to be American as fuck because I can gray


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I was going to say when one spells it gray.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Just don't make everyone else angray.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher

A creative writing teacher I had in college took me to task for using grey. Being a very mature sophomore, I used Madeleine L'Engle as my argument for why it was ok for Americans to use grey.

Hmm, guess I'm still using that argument. There've gotta be others though, right?


@nyikin Maybe just hungray.


@DH@twitter Zachary's eyes were gray the way his last name was spelled, while Adam's were grey

fondue with cheddar

@sovereignann@twitter That was a nice segray.

The only time I spell it "grey" is when I'm talking about Gandalf.


@jen325 What do you want, Gandalf Greyhame? Let me guess. The key of Orthanc? Or perhaps the keys of Barad-Dur itself? Along with the crowns of the seven kings and the rods of the five wizards?


@sniffadee Madeleine L'Engle. The best.


@oboe-d-amore I would marry Adam Eddington without thinking about it twice.


Hungover owl grey



AARP hot tub gray


I work in a tiny corporate library and one of our patrons requested this book. My boss was very tempted to talk to her about the numerous public libraries in the area, but instead we just ordered the book for the lols. And for our patrons, of course.

Also: Adam Eddington's eyes grey.


@DH@twitter And, of course, Zachary Gray (or, in The Moon By Night, Zachary Grey).



I seem to recall at some point Polly (maybe not Polly, maybe Vicky?) makes some distinction between the two words, based on Zachary and Adam's eyes.

Jessica Stites

@DH@twitter YES true + amazing. I believe that according to Vicky, Zachary's were steely, while Adam's were sea-like. Like a sexy dolphin.


@Jessica Stites

So I looked this up (the "Look Inside!" feature on Amazon is maaaaybe my favorite invention?) and the passage concerned is confusing. From A Ring of Endless Light:

"...Zachary's were steel-grey, not sea-grey like Adam's but metallic. Well--Adam's eyes were gray, and Zachary's were grey, the way his last name is spelled."

BUT VICKY HIS LAST NAME IS ONLY SPELLED "GREY" IN THE MOON BY NIGHT. WHAT IS GOING ON. This must be an editing/edition issue. Edit: yes, it is! I looked in another edition, and that passage has the spellings reversed, as they should be! Goodness me the saga of Zachary Gre/ay and eyes.


OMG I laughed for like 20 minutes.


This review has exiled the novel to my island of never-to-be-read books. Because, argh. (Haha.)

So, brain matter that has not been lost due to stabbing pens in my eyeballs grey?


@whatsherface "The New York Times gave P.D. James (no relation!) a nice little review for her Death Comes to Pemberly, which I assume is about digging up Jane Austen's arm bones and banging the keyboard of a MacBook Pro."

Don't mind me, I'm just cracking up over here. Snark, it is my favorite.

Springtime for Voldemort

@whatsherface Thank you for bringing this review into my life. I kinda hate 50 Shades, mainly for this exact reason, as perfectly summed up in this article:
"The Kink: I get that this is supposed to be BDSM Lite for people with Aztec-pattern Kindle Fire covers, but the ideas about "alternative lifestyle" sex (James's actual words) are kind of hilarious. It's like it was all filtered through that sexually precocious but ultimately clueless friend from Catholic elementary school: Oh, yeah, S&M is all burgundy leather dungeons and sub-dom contracts. Also, if you spray Mountain Dew in your vagina after sex you won't get pregnant."


The woman who wrote this book was on the radio this morning. She didn't take herself/ her novel seriously AT ALL, which was good and endearing, though didn't make me want to read Fifty Shades of Grey.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher: Love the snark, but have you read Death Comes to Pemberley? A really enjoyable meld of James and Austen, even if you're a little disappointed that Wickham isn't the victim...


Whoa whoa whoa, is lavender tea not... lavender? I am appalled.

Also "Steve Buschemi body grey" is awesome. As a concept, not a color.



a small sea

@atipofthehat Kanye West's "That Shit Grey"

nevernude cutoffs

@a small sea ain't it Gray?


Animal Planet is incomplete without Steve Irwin, so screw that stinggrey


My dad mistakes things that are pink for things that are grey a lot, but when I told him he might be sort of colorblind he told me that is impossible.


I am a dog so everything looks grey.


Cubicle wall grey.


Homer Simpson's leftover old hogie grey.


@sovereignann@twitter I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.


@frigwiggin Oh, how can I stay mad at you?


@frigwiggin Are you going to eat it?


@iceberg and @ frigwiggin That's also the episode where the kids visit Duff Gardens which means I can't get the song out of my head "Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you, I'll have a Duff, you have one too! Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you, I'll have a Duff, you have one too!"

Aaaaand you're welcome.


DUFF GARDENS ... HURRAH! *collapses*

Cupcake Coven

@sovereignann@twitter She'll need to take these... and these... and these.

Thank you, Doctor.

Oh, I'm not a doctor.


@Cupcake Coven Can't talk. Coming down.

@Verity Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!


I had a long layover for post-Easter travel day yesterday, and, lacking internet access to pull up the Hairpin Guide to getting classy drunk at airports, I read excerpts of "Shades of Grey" at the airport bookstore, cracking myself up and annoying people around me.

Women Laughing Alone with Shades Of Gray.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@travelmugs If only it was always Women Laughing Alone with Shades of Gray, rather than Women Wanking Alone with Shades of Gray :(


Is that dust inside the vintage ring I'm wearing today? no, it doesn't come off when I spray it with the canned air and now my coworker is probably going to yell at me for using all the canned air again and it looks like dust, can rings get dusty? this is why I shouldn't go looking up inside the jewelry I inherited from my grandmother who I never met grey


"Well, I found my first grey toe knuckle hair" - Liz Lemon.


Photoshop grayscale grey?

fondue with cheddar

Get Rid of Your Grey, Seriously, It's Revolting.

George Templeton Strong

Discovery that someone whose literary taste I admire is reading Fifty Shades of Grey gray to describe my face and mood upon learning this.

George Templeton Strong

@George Templeton Strong And I'm almost positive that whole line can be expressed in one simple word in German.


@George Templeton Strong: Greydenfreude.


Payne's Grey is the only good grey.

Anita Ham Sandwich

Did anybody else grow up playing "Duck, Duck, Grey Duck" instead of "Duck, Duck, Goose"? It's one of those things you don't know you did differently until it comes up quite randomly. Seeing "Duck Duck Grey" on the list makes me hopeful this didn't just happen in my tiny Midwestern town.


@Anita Ham Sandwich It's a Minnesota thing. Unless your tiny Midwestern town is not in Minnesota; then I don't know what the deal is.

Anita Ham Sandwich

@Canard It IS a Minnesota town! Thanks for the clue.


@Anita Ham Sandwich I bet that's what gave Bob Dylan away, when he was pretending he wasn't from Minnesota so that people would take him seriously. A serious game of "Duck, Duck, Goose!"


I don't get it


@MalPal Relationgrays


Last night my medical student volunteered "timpanic membrane grey."


Am thinking of hastily writing fanfic based on this called Fifty Shades of Beige.

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